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Tag: relationship advice

“It’s Over!” Really?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“It’s over,” Lois, a defeated-looking woman, said to her husband as they sat in my psychotherapy office. She was more angry than sad. Tim was crestfallen.

At the moment of Lois’ definitive pronouncement a subversive doubt bubbled up in my mind. “I think there are two kinds of ‘It’s over,’ I said. “In the first, it is over—one or both people have given up on the relationship and it is not salvageable. All bridges to reconciliation have been burned and hopelessness sabotages any wish to preserve the relationship.”

Tim looked even more devastated.

“But there’s a second kind of ‘It’s over,’ “ I continued.

“It’s not really over, and the person who says it is doesn’t want it to be, but he or she is so afraid of getting burned again that hopelessness protects against additional suffering.”

Lois gently nodded her head.

“Which is it?” Tim asked.

“The second,” she said.

Declaring that the relationship is over serves various functions. Sometimes it means just what it says—the relationship cannot be resuscitated and it really is over.

At other times, a relationship that seems past salvation can and should be saved.
Here, the seemingly fatalistic declaration “it’s over” can be a self-protective strategy that shields a spouse against re-injury and pain and lessens the likelihood of shock and devastation. It also hides the deeper connection between the couple that still exists beneath the hurt and fear and hinders the pessimistic partner from trying to salvage the relationship. Once you realize this, it can restore unexpected hope.

At first Lois and Tim had little reason for optimism. They had slowly grown apart over twenty years because they each focused more on work and parenting than on each other. We examined what brought them together, what they originally shared, where they were struggling now.

I encouraged them to work on four levels:
o Self-care
o Pulling “weeds”
o Accessing shared meaning
o Dreaming together about a better future

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How to Accommodate Different Career Drives in Your Relationship

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

We tend to focus on the classic reasons why relationships can go sour (i.e., lying, cheating, abuse, etc), never realizing that a lack of compatibility can force a wedge between any couple.

More often than not, the termination of a relationship is the result of two people who, at their core, are incompatible, and unable to respect the aspects of each other’s personality that they could not understand.

When we try to force our partners to pour nicely into the molds we’ve created, we are challenging their natural instinct to shape themselves however they may choose. Often, this occurs in relationships where one person is naturally ambitious and driven and the other is more relaxed and settled.

One of the worse things you can do is attempt to fit your ambitious partner into a conventional mold, or try to change anyone for that matter. I’ve been on the receiving end and it isn’t fun. If you happen to be interested in/involved with an ambitious person, here are seven things you need to know.

1) They will choose work over a date night.

Sometimes, I prefer to work instead of going out with my significant other. The pressure to appease their loneliness would frequently force me out of my zone and into a dress and heels for an evening of distracted dining, rushed conversations, and unsettled energy. The whole time I’m on the date, I’d be taking notes and answering work emails. I would end the night frustrated because I missed hours of work.

Advice:

Set a mandatory date night once or twice a week. This is an opportunity for your partner to break away from work and a chance for you to get the affection and attention you need. If at any point you feel you are on the back burner, express this to your partner and offer some suggestions for how to resolve this.

2) Don’t be intrusive.

When your partner is occupied with their work, the worst thing you can do is to be intrusive. It will not only frustrate your significant other, but more than likely you will feel rejected.

Advice:

It is a mistake to think that you can distract your mate from work with sex or other ploys. When the focus is high and the thoughts are flowing, intimacy is the last thing on your partner’s mind. Learn when your partner is in his or her flow and give them space to create.

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Keeping a Relationship Private: When and Why

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Here’s a reason why less is more when it comes to your relationship…

There was a time when relationships were sacred and served as a revered space where two people could find solace, trust, and support. Driven by a commitment to honor, love, and respect, sacred relationships require a few essential elements to maintain. At the top of the list was privacy.

People used to protect their relationship from the influence and opinions of the outside world. Times have changed.

In a society driven by cyber interactions, social media has quickly become a personal diary for many. A virtual container for our emotions, memories, and experiences, social media preserves the most precious moments of our lives. Valuable when used in moderation, the medium keeps us connected to our friends and loved ones. When abused, social media can be a stage for humiliation, exploitation, and shame.

One bad social media encounter can quickly show you that not everything needs to be shared with the World Wide Web. While social media is rapidly transforming into the primary communication source for this generation, the idea that what goes on inside of your home stays inside of your home is one rule that should still reign true, especially as it pertains to your love life.

Love is inspiring and it’s perfectly fine to share your admiration for your partner, but mindfulness is imperative. You don’t have to keep your relationship secret, but here’s why it’s important to maintain some privacy.

1) You open yourself up to the opinions of others.

How quickly we forget the lessons learned in childhood. Chances are if you grew up with African American parents, you were told to keep family business out of the streets. Our parents and grandparents knew the consequences of speaking too loosely about family affairs. By discussing your issues with outsiders, you open yourself up to the opinions of others.

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Why 50/50 Relationships Don’t Work

by Robin Tranin RELATIONSHIPS

The idea of an equal relationship is nice in theory, but it doesn’t work in reality.

The truth is, there’s no way of knowing how much someone loves you. You’ll never know for sure how somebody really feels about you. All relationships are inherently unequal, even in friendships. This would’ve bothered me years ago, but I learned awhile back that this was purely due to my pride and not because there was anything that was actually wrong with this concept.

For a long time, I was worried that I wasn’t pulling my weight in my relationship. Part of me still worries about that. I think about how much more money my girlfriend makes, how she has given me a home, and how she has stuck with me throughout my transition into a woman.

I think about how unfair it must be for her, how I haven’t done enough to make her happy.

But in doing so, I’ve done nothing except cause myself pain, and it also makes her unhappy to hear me being so cruel about myself. She tries to reassure me that I do pull my weight by cooking and cleaning, by taking care of her needs, and by being her emotional support. She says that when I downplay my contributions to our relationship, I’m “score-keeping,” which she very much dislikes.

There is an example of score-keeping in the movie The Joy Luck Club, which features a relationship between Harold and Lena, a couple who splits everything right down the middle. Harold is all about “fairness.” For instance, he labels everything in the refrigerator as either his or hers, and he keeps track of how much everything costs. This causes a get strain in their relationship, and they end up splitting apart because of this.

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LOVE Lessons to Know from Top Achievers

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Business owners can offer insightful — and inspiring — love advice.

There’s something pretty damn inspiring about CEOs. Not only because they were able to master their field and rise to the top, with many coming from very little, but also because of the sheer amount of passion, dedication and well, faith, that comes with the job title. When you consider your professional goals, you might have ‘run your own company’ somewhere toward the top, and for good reason: the benefit of being in charge of your professional future (and of the team reporting to you) is exciting and liberating. But what about being in control of your love life, too?

While having a successful resume and love life aren’t quite the same, they do require those same qualities: passion, dedication, and faith. That’s why business owners can offer insightful — and inspiring — love advice. They’ve not only had to learn how to manage that unattainable work/life balance, but they’ve discovered how to start, run, and flourish in something they love.

Here, nine CEOs share their best piece of dating advice. Who knows, it might just be the pro tip that helps you rise to the top of your latest match’s Tinder feed (or take your existing relationship to a new level):

1. When You’re With Someone You Love, Be Present

“I log over 150,000 miles a year traveling the world for ARIIX. The best piece of advice I have learned from running ARIIX is to make my husband and children my number one priority. In order for me to maintain a proper work/life balance I specifically carve out time between trips to be with my husband and children, after all they are the ones that keep me going. Whenever I am at home with them, I make it a point to be present — usually we have at least one meal together with a ‘no shop-talk’ rule, and I keep my phone upstairs.” -Deanna Latson, founder and chief product officer of ARIIX

2. Try Not to Rush Toward The Finish Line

“As a married mom and an entrepreneur, I try to remember that what I’m signed up for is a marathon not a sprint. In both life and work, I’m trying to build something really solid that will last. Some Saturdays, I’m not at home because I’ve prioritized work — but I often walk out of the offices earlier than other team members in order to make bath time and bedtime (and my husband does as well).” -Jennie Ripps, CEO and founder of The Owl’s Brew

3. Be With Someone Who Loves What You Love

“I’ve been in two serious relationships since starting my company nearly 20 years ago. There is a stark contrast between the two, and the biggest differing factor was an interest in what my company does. Find someone who has a genuine interest in what you do.

In my past relationship, the woman I was with had zero interest. She could not understand my frustrations, my wins and my losses. She didn’t care. The problem with this sort of relationship is that the company is the CEO’s baby. It’s as if she had no interest in my son.

I am now married to my best friend, who understands my company inside and out. She is a partner in so many different ways and constantly has good advice and completely understands every challenge, every win, and every loss.

This is so important because there is only one person in the world who has no ulterior motives and has only my best interests at heart. I’ve heard CEOs say their employees are like family, but I believe that’s only because their family doesn’t get what they do. Nothing can replace a true partner in life.” -Jeremy Shepard, founder of Pearl Paradise, Inc.

4. Find A Routine That Lets You Play

“Managing my love life and my business has always been a challenge for me but I’ve gotten better at it over the years. My best advice is to get on a routine and stick with it. Set boundaries for yourself around your business and make dedicated time per week for your love life that will not hamper your chances of success with building your company.

What works for me is working late every night and getting home at 9:30 p.m. That being said, Friday afternoons and Sunday afternoons are set aside for making deposits into my relationship.

This way nobody is surprised or caught off guard and you and your significant other can fall into a rhythm and not feel cheated. The reality is to make it in today’s tough business world your business is probably going to have to be your priority or at least tied for top priority along with your relationship.” -Bryan Clayton, CEO of GreenPal

5. Get Out Of Your Head And Talk To Strangers!

“While running your daily errands, at a cafe or on your morning commute (whether it be on a train platform, parking your car or even waiting to cross the street), force yourself to smile at the intriguing stranger next you and simply utter the word, ‘Hi.’ You really have absolutely nothing to lose except an opportunity.” -Lori Cheek, CEO and founder of Cheekd

6. Don’t Treat Your Partner Like A Business Partner

“Through the years of running various companies, I’ve realized that you cannot treat your significant other like you would someone in your business life. What do I mean by this? If you send your significant other a Google Calendar invite, or otherwise directly schedule them into your day in your calendar even if it’s an 8 p.m. dinner date, the reaction you get back will not be pleasant!

Your significant other wants to know that they are special to you and you will not treat scheduling time with them in the same way that you treat your business meetings. Let’s face it — we all do it just to stay organized, especially as our days get more packed. But, perhaps think of another way of remembering those date nights!” -Keith Shields, CEO of Designli

7. Try Your Best To Remain Flexible

“There are a lot of parallels between marriage and running a company. The best advice for both is to be flexible. The only certainty in marriage and business is change and those who can adjust, change and constantly improve will be happy at home and successful in business. Don’t be afraid of change or obstacles, embrace them and you will grow and prosper!” -Nick Braun, Founder & CEO, PetInsuranceQuotes.com

8. Listen To Your Partner And Celebrate The Little Things

“Running a business and love are very similar. The number one key to doing either successfully is mastering the art of communication. Listening to the other person, repeat what you heard for clarification, removing ego, understanding what the end result looks like, and willing to be wrong to achieve that end result.

It’s also important to celebrate the little wins. In business, we sometimes forget to celebrate our victories, and in relationships we forget to appreciate the small things.” -Austin Iuliano, CEO of Snapchatmastery.com

9. Remember You Don’t Have To Do It Alone

Maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend has been very difficult, but has ultimately strengthened our bond. As a business owner and also entrepreneur I have gone through some crazy highs (receiving funding to grow the business) to some very difficult lows such as getting unjust lawsuits filed against the business. This has ultimately affected our relationship and really made us go through really difficult times in a very short period of time.

My best advice though came from when I realized that I wasn’t the only one feeling this struggle of the lowest lows. As a business owner, I felt like I was the one feeling all of the burden and stress that came from owning a business, but I wasn’t. My number one fan was right there alongside me feeling every pain that I was feeling. Both of us didn’t try to fake putting on a strong face and be the one who said ‘it will all be OK.’ We went through the most difficult times and we did it together — she’s got my back and I’ve got hers!” -Ryan Chan, CEO and Founder at UpKeep

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Simple Wisdom about Bad Behavior

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

My mother imparted her most valuable relationship wisdom in seven words.

When I was a little girl growing up in Brooklyn, I learned a lesson of great value from my mother. If someone said or did something unkind (a nasty person at the supermarket checkout counter, for example) my mother would say, “She must be a very unhappy person.”

She didn’t say this to make excuses; it was simply a calm observation that I translated into this advice:  “Don’t take things quite so personally; unhappiness or insecurity can make people say stupid things.  When other people act badly, it has to do with them, not with you.”

My mother’s words helped me to be less reactive, to pass on less intensity than I receive, to see people as more complex than their worst behaviors, to develop empathy, and be curious about why people do what they do.

It’s a perspective that serves me well in my work as a psychotherapist. Away from my consulting room, however, I do not always operate at this high level of maturity. It remains something to aim for.

My mother’s words are so important because we do tend to take things personally.  We also misread people’s motives all the time (We think it’s snobbery or disinterest when it’s shyness).

In the absence of facts, we are left with our fantasies (“I’m boring,” or “He doesn’t think I’m important enough to say hello to me.”)  We engage in mind-reading which, in contrast to intuition, humans have no talent for.

Remember this: Often the other person’s bad, insensitive, or hurtful behavior boils down to what my mother would say: “She must be a very unhappy person.“

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Save Your Marriage from Becoming a Sinking Ship

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

What are you avoiding in your relationship that can kill it?

Watch out for these silent relationship threats.

Forget about infidelity or lying to your spouse about your finances: there are other, less-talked behaviors that are just as destructive to a marriage ― and you and your partner are probably guilty of some of them.

Below, marriage therapists share six behaviors that can silently kill a marriage.

 

 

Spending time together as a couple is important, but don’t let your friendships fall to the wayside in favor of yet another night of takeout and Netflix. It’s unrealistic to depend on your S.O. to fulfill all your socialization needs; giving each other space by heading out for girl’s night out or a meetup with the guys could do your marriage some good, said Ryan Howes, a psychologist in Pasadena, California.

“It’s so important for both of you to build and sustain friendships with others,” he said. “Through your friends, you can gain other experiences, perspectives and support that may actually enhance your relationship. You have to have confidants outside the relationship.”

 

 

If you rarely reach out and touch each other ― or have reached the point where you only have “special occasion sex” (birthdays, anniversaries and vacations) ―it may be time to address the elephant in the bedroom: You’re well on your way to asexless, passionless marriage, said Debra Campbell, a psychologist and couple’s therapist in Melbourne, Australia.

“You don’t have to be having sex every day, but some kind of near-daily sexual or erotic acknowledgement is important in relationships,” she said. “It might be the slightest touch; it’s not always about orgasms and getting hot and sweaty.”

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Through Thick and Thin …Your Biggest Argument Before and After the Wedding

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

There is one fight that all couples have before they tie the knot.

Mike reared his wide eyes toward Julie. “That is NOT the reception budget that we agreed on last week!”

Julie, dumbfounded, blinked back at her red-faced betrothed. “We’ve discussed this at least three times already. You always go back on your word about these things.”

Lacy: “Which color do you like better for the boutonnieres, pink or teal?”
Robert: “Sure. Whichever. I really don’t care.”
Lacy: “Why can’t you act like you care about this wedding for five seconds??”
Robert: [Blank stare]
Lacy: “Pick your own colors. I’m done.”

Jake: “You do realize that once we’re married, you can’t go to your parents every single night for dinner.”
Josh: “Um, dear, you knew you were marrying my whole family when you said yes.”

It is the fight for control

Although this fight is usually subdued, it can be emotionally reactive and masked by the denial of both partners. Engaged couples are especially at risk of mishandling this pattern because greater issues are often disguised as wedding planning stress, or the conflict is avoided altogether because of the myth that premarital couples shouldn’t fight.

Behaving in controlling ways – either overtly or covertly – gives a person a semblance of certainty and comfort, usually as a way to manage their own insecurities about the relationship or their own self-worth. In the moment when we should team up with our partner and share our vulnerabilities with them most, we wall ourselves off to emotionally protect ourselves.

Marriage is about bringing two completely different worlds together to create a shared experience of life and love. It makes sense, then, that this transition often consists of friction, disagreements, and a normal resistance to change – like a “my way or the highway” mentality.

Underneath all fights for control are deeper questions of:

“Can I really trust that we are a team? That you will stand up for me to the rest of the world above all else? Do you really, truly GET me? Will you still love me, even if I completely disagree?”
Dr. John Gottman’s research revealed that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help. So, what can you do to tackle the pattern of control before it starts?

Do not wait until things get worse to address them. Learn how to manage these patterns in a healthy way for your relationship right now.

Here are some ways to avoid getting caught in the fight for control:

1. Don’t sweep it under the rug

Avoidance will only prolong conflict and make it messier and harder to deal with the next time. When you are experiencing frustration, resistance, or insecurity with your partner about something, bring it up by using a softened startup. A trap that couples often struggle with is the “I was waiting for you to bring it up first” paradox. Be assertive, be brave, and be respectful of your partner’s otherness when it comes to conflict and differences.

Control is about winning. If 69% of the things couples fight about are completely unsolvable, then the goal should be less about being right and more about understanding, validating one another’s point of view, and maintaining respect.

2. Know yourself

Become aware of how you tend to fight for control. Do you put others down, shame your partner, or shame yourself? Do you play the victim role or manipulate through blame or entitlement? Do you hide your emotions from your partner but feel lonely, disconnected, or anxious about certain aspects of marriage?

Self-awareness takes mindfulness, vulnerability, and a willingness to accept responsibility for your part in the conflict. It is not your partner’s job to uncover your tactics. Accountability will allow you to be more assertive and honest in those moments when you want to shut down or lash out the most.

3. Check your connection

How are you doing at staying connected to each other? Feeling validated by your partner through the thick and thin of wedding planning holds so much value. Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown the importance of maintaining intentional connection by creating shared meaning and responding to your partner’s bids for connection. Prioritize date nights and quality time together with no wedding talk allowed.

As marriage and family therapist Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage, says: “control is just an illusion.” You will never be able to control, change, or know with complete certainty that your partner will be there for you and show up for the relationship at all times. There is no guarantee that your marriage will last. This is the risk of being in a relationship.

What you can guarantee is your own willingness to show up, to resist the need to be right or to control your partner, and to turn towards the opportunities to address your differences in order to build a strong foundation toward lasting marital vitality and success.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Arranged Marriage – Time to Bring It Back?

by MONROKin LOVE

News Flash: Life is not the movies. Marriage is extremely difficult and unnatural. You have to constantly work on yourself.

My father was working as a math professor in Sydney, Australia in 1976. He was one of the very few Indian immigrants there at the time. Like many of us, he turned 30 and all of his friends started getting married. Out of options, one of his friends suggested he take a trip back to India to try and meet someone, because that’s what was done – in fact, it still often is. He decided to go back home to New Delhi and summoned his mother for help. She alerted the troops and was able to find him 21 girls to go on dates with. Impressive numbers, 20 years before mainstream dial-up. The 21st girl was my mother. He was 31, she was 24. He proposed to her on their first date. (My mother will say the 20 girls before her rejected his proposal, he will say she is the only one he asked – the jury’s still out.) She was looking for three things: someone intelligent, someone that lived outside of India, and someone that wouldn’t beat her. He checked all the boxes, (fingers crossed on the last one). Two weeks later they were married.

Two strangers starting a life together in a foreign country. It sounds like a bad reality show. He had told her he was all set up in Sydney, had a great job, awesome place, friends, etc. She arrives to find out that he was more eccentric than she had thought. Dad was living in an apartment that was completely unfurnished and sleeping on a green yoga mat. He had equations written on the walls and had one pot in which he made franks and beans every night for dinner. He was giving all his money to literally anyone that asked and had $100 in savings, which contrary to your suspicion still wasn’t a lot in the late ‘70s. His best friend was a man named Ernie, who lived off the Sydney Harbor on a tiny patch of land the size of a bathroom where he and my father would boat out to and get trashed. This was NOT what she had hoped for.

Somehow, they managed to put in 15 solid years of work into the marriage. She helped him balance his life. She gave him two daughters that adore him. She taught him countless things like dental hygiene, how to save and invest their money, how to eat properly, and even how to swim! She saved him from himself.

He was nothing but an unpublished assistant professor when they met, paper after paper rejected. He worked tirelessly and with the support of my mother has now been published in every major mathematical publication worldwide, has won countless awards, and serves on the Nobel Prize Committee. He has given her a life she had never imagined. European vacations, property ownership, and the best lesson of all, that a glass of wine every night won’t kill you. (they’re drunks!)

It appears that when you start at rock bottom, things can only get better. As if this wasn’t enough, after 15 years, they fell in love. They now have been married for 37 years.

News Flash: Life is not the movies. Marriage is extremely difficult and unnatural. You have to constantly work on yourself. It’s almost impossible to be head over heels in love with someone, every day, forever. You fight, you make up, you change, you grow, you fight, you make up, you change, you adjust and then eventually you are too old to give a shit and then you die.

If your first marriage fails, statistically your second marriage has a higher percentage of failing, and third even more so. Why? Because it is impossible to obtain 100% of your happiness from another person. We set the bar so high, and then are disappointed.

What my parents have managed to do is to try and focus on the good the other person brings you, versus the things you can’t stand. If you only focus on the good, you are setting yourself up for success. Example: He doesn’t take out the trash, but HE DOES work hard all day, earn a good living, and hates sports!

There is no such thing as the perfect man or woman, it’s a myth. Even if you were to find the perfect someone, you would be over him or her and bored in a matter of time – these are the facts.

Once you accept that he’s not going to fill your wine glass when it’s low (the #1 quality I look for in a man), you will have an easier time. Whether it’s easy or not, I will say this: there IS something special about sharing a lifetime with only one person. Maybe it’s time for our generation to start from scratch with someone, rather than go into a relationship expecting compatibility and perfection. Grow together; it’s a gamble on both sides. What makes you think you’re so great?

6 Steps to Create a Breakthrough in Your Love Life

by Jo Millerin LOVE

I’ve been helping a dear client through the unraveling of her eleven-year marriage, which is giving me pause to reflect back on the gold of my illuminations surrounding relationship breakups. Six years ago, I was facing the disillusionment of my own marriage, and struggling with a “why me?” belief that life was happening to me. But as the fog of fear slowly began to lift, I caught a glimpse of a gift that would heal my heart and change the relationship I had with Love forever. There is nothing quite like adversity for discovering who we really are at our core. Whilst I had zero control over the behavior, actions and choices of others, I clung to the realization that I had full control over my own, and in that illuminating moment, I realized that life was actually happening for me. What follows is a self-compassion guide of what I learned when I chose Love over fear.

Acknowledge the hurt you feel is very real. There’s a certain brand of pain reserved specifically for the ending of a romantic relationship or marriage and it’s often a bitter tasting cocktail of disappointment, anger, resentment and just plain suckery. So often, we’ll do anything to avoid the taste, but these shadow emotions are just as important for us to feel as the brightness of joy, peace and love. They’re all essential parts of living the whole human experience. Glossing over this critical step not only sets you up for the likelihood of a rinse, repeat heartbreak, it denies you access to the illumination you’ll need for empowering different choices required by your future self.

Take a morning, a weekend or a “Get me outta here” reprieve to sit with the suckery and acknowledge the heft of the blow. Write, rant, cry it out. The pain needs to release. Setting it up and allowing it to do its job doesn’t have to feel like you’re rubbing salt on the wound, its simply a self-honoring act of kindness you can give to yourself.

Be Kind. It’s hard when everything hurts. Lashing out, talking trash, blaming, dissing, judging, and attacking may feel justified and downright entitled, but ultimately we’re adding suffering to the pain, and more pain will surely ensue. I’m a big fan of self -compassion; I like how it softens my edges and the edges of those around me. It sets the bar of what to expect of myself and offers an invitation for others to follow suit. If you have kids, be mindful of their own pain and the fact that they see and feel everything. Our words, and our behavior are the lessons we’re learning and teaching. Kindness takes crappiness to higher ground.

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Across the World, He Rode for Love

by zfortadminin LOVE

The story of Dr. Pradyumna Kumar Mahanandia and Charlotte Von Schedvin looks like every a Bollywood potboiler, except it’s real.

In this cruel world of instant makeout and instant breakups, this love story will reinstate hope in true and selfless love.

pradyuman
Image Credit: Satyanarayan Patri/Facebook

Pradyumna Kumar was born in a poor family in Orissa, which supported themselves by weaving clothes. Pradyumna did not let his poor financial condition come between his love for art and education. In 1971, he joined the College of Art in New Delhi and became a renowned artist who made stunning portraits.

His popularity reached Sweden, and a 19-year-old Swedish student decided to come to India to get a portrait done from him. While making her portrait, Pradyuman fell in love with the beautiful Charlotte Von Sledvin. Charlotte too, saw the goodness in the artist and fell in love with him instantly.

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Decorating Tips for a Healthy Relationship and a Happy Home

by Eliza Hurwitzin LOVE

Communication is key when decorating together.

I moved in with my boyfriend a couple of months ago and it’s been great! We get along really well. He makes me laugh, he’s kind and thoughtful. He built an Ikea couch! Okay, he followed the directions, but that’s extremely complicated! He buys me chocolate when he knows I’m annoyed. He’s sweet, but his interior decorating skills, are severely lacking. It’s not just that my boyfriend is disinterested in that stuff; it’s more that, it kind of stresses him out. In the beginning I was kind of bummed that we wouldn’t be going to antique stores and tag sales together to pick up unique finds. Isn’t that what all couples do? I felt irritated annoyed at him and angry every time I was shopping alone, but also resented it when we did shop together and he seemed miserable. I felt like I was dragging him and nagging him and it wasn’t fun for either of us. But throughout the process, I learned just how to combat this issue in order to make decorating fun, stress-free, and better for both of us. Here are the most important tips I can offer.

Keeping The Lines of Communication Open

Communication is key when decorating together. One of our biggest fights was when I brought back a big, beautiful, abstract painting that I wanted to hang above the television. Just as I was about to put in my favorite one up, my boyfriend told me he didn’t like it. I felt like this was an attack against me and I was really hurt. Then I remembered all the times I turned down his decorating ideas. We both realized that we needed to take each other’s needs into consideration and decided to talk more about what we wanted the apartment to look like. In the end, I was happy he spoke up, because it opened us both up to the possibility that we could turn our apartment into both of our dream homes, without one of us feeling unheard and unexpressed stylistically.

Be Willing to Compromise

If you couldn’t guess, my boyfriend and I have very different styles. I like to fill my home with cute tchotchkes, paintings, and artwork. If it were up to me, I’d fill my home with bright colors and patterns everywhere. Whereas Mmy boyfriend, on the other hand, likes to keep things minimal. Living together, I’ve had to let go of some of my collecting tendencies, while he’s had to embrace my style quirks. Though it wasn’t easy in the beginning, it’s a necessary part of home decoration. You want your home to reflect both of your personalities and styles. Your home is a place where you both want to feel comfortable and at peace.

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When Partners Refuse to Better Themselves

by Rachel Meghanin RELATIONSHIPS

You can’t dictate your partner’s life.

You want what’s best for them, but sometimes that may not line up with what they decide to do with themselves. Ultimately, they are their own person, and sometimes you have no control over their decisions.

My Experience

I dated someone once who didn’t want to better himself at all. He was comfortable having no ambition, smoking weed and drinking all the time, and working dead end jobs. Believe me, I do not judge for any of that, but the fact that he was a grown adult happy with spending all of his money on liquor and dropping out of college was concerning to me. I wanted to be with someone that I could relate to, and maintain similar desires. He was unhappy, but didn’t want to change.

I encouraged him to go back to school. He said that he would, but didn’t put the effort into applying. I begged him to cut back on drinking, but he continued to drink a lot. He just wanted to get wasted and high all the time. The floor of his room would always be covered in beer cans and weed resin. I didn’t want to live that life.

Not to mention the fact that he cheated on me. He told me after it happened and immediately started crying. He promised to change and never do it again. After that, every party we went to ended up with him making out with multiple people. I wasn’t surprised. A few months passed before he broke up with me.

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How to Help a Partner with a Mental Illness

by Rachel Meghanin Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

There is such a stigma attached to various mental illnesses.

Most people suffering tend to keep it a secret to those they don’t know, for fear of being labeled as “crazy”. When it comes to having a romantic partner, it can be difficult to open up.

Telling your partner about your struggle takes a lot of bravery and trust. If your partner is understanding, that is a very good sign. If not, they aren’t worth staying with. A good partner is one who accepts every part of you. Because that’s all mental illness is, really. Just another part of what makes you as a person. It dictates your strengths and weaknesses, and controls what makes you tick.

For those of you who have a partner with a mental illness, it can get frustrating at times. You want to be able to help your loved one through their struggle, but it is not always effective. This isn’t your fault. It is just as much out of control for your partner. Mental illness is just like any other illness.

There are plenty of ways that you can support your partner through their struggle. Here is how:

1. Understand that your partner is not one to be “dealt with”.

If that’s the perspective you have about the situation, then that’s already a major issue. No one should have to be dealt with. People are not to be dealt with, mentally ill or not. Instead, learn to cope alongside your loved one. Attempting to escape out of fear will help no one.

2. Educate yourself.

Learning about your partner’s mental illness will help you understand where they’re coming from if they become distant or moody. It will also help you realize that their mood is not to be taken personally, and is typically a side effect of whatever is going on in their head. It will mean the world to your partner, as it shows you are committed and willing to sympathize with them and their struggle.

3. Accept that sometimes there isn’t much you can do to help.

Sometimes someone struggling with mental health problems is consistently in emotional pain. A lot of times, loved ones can give up on them, saying that they don’t know what to say or do. They feel like they’ve exhausted their resources and have no more advice to give. But a lot of the times what a mentally ill person seeks is not advice, but just someone to listen and be physically and emotionally there for them.

4. Communicate openly with your partner.

Allow them to communicate with you. Encourage them to speak their mind and tell you exactly how they’re feeling. Listening to them can help them make sense of what’s going on in their brain, and your support and open mind will help them recover from any sort of anxiety or panic they may be feeling.

5. Help them help themselves.

Encourage them to seek therapy, go to support groups, and generally reach out when they need it. As stated earlier, sometimes there isn’t much you yourself can do, and getting them to seek professional help is sometimes the best solution if things get particularly bad. Go with them to the doctor if they ask you to or are afraid to go alone. If they’re in a really bad place and feel suicidal, don’t hesitate to take them to a hospital. Not doing so is harming rather than helping, and it’s imperative that you support them through trying times.

6. Create a safe environment.

Every human being is entitled to feel safe and loved. Sometimes those with a mental illness feel that they do not deserve this basic right, that they are evil or unworthy of love. This simply isn’t true. A safe environment is crucial in the physical and emotional sense. Don’t get mad or frustrated with them so much that they are afraid to come to you in times of crisis. Maintain a safe space where they feel open and comfortable, and unafraid to be vulnerable. In addition, helping them create a good physical environment is also important.

7. Check in on them.

Reminding them to take their pills or eat or any other necessity is a great way to show them that you truly love them. Sometimes your partner may feel overwhelmed or distracted, and will honestly forget. You don’t need to become their keeper, but simple reminders are a healthy way to express how much you care about them.

8. Do not gaslight them.

This is a form of abuse. If there are legitimate problems in your relationship unrelated to your partner’s struggle, do not write it off as just something they’re “imagining” or “making up” as a result of their illness. Let them air their legitimate concerns, and if you are at fault for something bad going on in both of your lives, take responsibility and don’t dismiss your partner’s feelings by insisting that it’s just part of their illness.

9. Don’t tiptoe around them.

You are not on thin ice or walking on eggshells. It is usually not your fault if your partner has any sort of panic or anxiety attack. Treat them how you would treat any significant other, with honesty and love. People dealing with mental illness genuinely want to be treated normally, and doing otherwise can even become a source of your partner’s anxiety.

10. Love them for who they are.

There is way more to your partner than their mental illness. You fell for them for a reason, and what you love about them should be your primary focus. Don’t treat them like freaks because of their struggle. Support them, but also do everything you can to maintain a loving a healthy relationship. They will do the same.

How Many People Have Stayed with a Partner for Financial Reasons?

by Sarah Ewaldin RELATIONSHIPS

If you ever needed a reason to make your own money, and not depend on someone else, here comes a compelling stat:

A survey conducted earlier this year of 2K people in the U.K. revealed that 16% of Brits have stayed in a relationship because of financial reasons in the past. In the present, 28% of Brits are staying in relationships due to financial reasons (though that may not be the only reason).

Some of the aforementioned financial concerns are that 35% of respondents said they couldn’t cover living expenses without their partner’s help, and 10% said their partner paid for luxuries.

I have some questions about methodology here: We don’t know the age ranges of the respondents, or how much they make, among many other things. We can’t extrapolate to see if this is true of any other countries.