Tag: Marriage

Rekindle Your Relationship And Fall In Love Again

by zfortadminin LOVE

Great way to get sparks flying!

Stop reading for a moment, and think back to the first few weeks after you met your spouse or love partner.

Actually try to visualize an early date where you were cuckoo for CoCo Puffs about this amazing person. And they felt the same about you.

Remember how it felt falling in love, how happily distracted you were, how you couldn’t wait to see her — how everything he said was interesting and funny.

Remember how you felt the two of you were special? Meant for each other. Destined to be together.

And now . . . not so much.

Now you’ve been together for a while — maybe years. And the bloom is off the rose. What was once endearing or funny now gets under your skin like a bad rash. The differences you found so appealing now divide you like a knife. It’s past time to rekindle your relationship.

Frustration, resentments, hurt feelings, and unmet needs are always simmering just below the surface. One wrong word, one sideways glance, one exasperated sigh is all it will take to cause the lid to blow. And blow it has — many times. Too many times to count.

Bickering is a daily sport and full-blown fights dot the landscape of your marriage like bleeding soldiers on a battlefield. Whether your particular fighting style is a head-spinning screaming match or a silent treatment freeze-out, both of you are exhausted, hurting, and so tired of living this way.

How did it come to this? What happened to the joy, the fun times together, the great sex, the intimate talks? Where are those two people who fell so head-over-heels in love?

If you spend more time in your love life fighting or feeling angry, hurt, or resentful than you do enjoying the connection, then it’s past time to take action. Right now you must do something about it if you want to save the relationship.

Here are some ideas on how to rekindle your relationship and fall in love again:

Do you really want to stay?

Before you begin working the relationship, be very, very honest with yourself.

Do you really want this marriage to work?

Are you invested in it enough that you’re willing to make some changes?

Do you truly want to have a happy, healthy, intimate connection with this particular person?

If the answer is no, and you’ve been with this person a long time, go to counseling anyway to be absolutely sure it’s not just your anger clouding your judgment. Get professional support to help you navigate this huge decision whether to end the marriage or not.

However, if the answer is yes, and you know with certainty you want the relationship to work, then read on.

Remember the foundational premise

Both  you and your spouse or partner must embrace this foundational premise: your relationship together takes priority over everything else in your life.

That includes your children, your parents, your friends, your work, your hobbies, your chores, your television, your computer, and your egos.

The relationship itself must be viewed as a separate living, breathing force that the two of you are charged with care taking. I’m not suggesting you lose your individuality. But as two individuals, you are jointly responsible for nurturing your connection as you would your child.

If your relationship isn’t solid, everything else in your life will be negatively impacted. Your happiness as a couple is essential to the security and happiness of your children, your job performance, and your mental health.

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Trusting Your Instinct

by Susanna Leein LOVE

I’ve never been one to trust my gut, follow my instinct, or listen to that little voice inside, and that’s how I found myself, at 26, saying “I do” in front of an official justice of the peace, the greatest Elvis impersonator I’ve ever seen, and a man I’d known for 3 months.  I didn’t marry an Elvis impersonator, I married a man I’d known for only 3 months, total.  I thought I was being romantic and carefree, disregarding societal norms and traditions.  As someone who’d had a million one-night/few-night stands, but only a couple adult relationships, I thought that the hardest part of being married was finding someone to marry me.  So when the opportunity came up, I grabbed it and ran, forcing solutions to any possible roadblock between me being alone, and me having legal proof that I was loveable.

At the time we started dating/got engaged, he hadn’t paid his rent for several months, so I insisted that he move in with me, rent free.  It’s not like having him there would raise the rent I was already covering, so what did it matter?  It was a small price to pay for the validation of being an integral part of someone’s basic needs being met.  He was unemployed, and couldn’t afford the rings, so I bought them.  Did you catch that?  I BOUGHT MY OWN WEDDING RING.  I also used my accumulated airline miles to cover our flights to/from Vegas, where I also paid for the actual wedding.  If that’s not romance, what is?

You’re probably thinking “Damn, the sex must’ve been mind-blowing, to turn you out like that!”, and I regret to tell you that the sex was nothing more than garden-variety.  It was fine, just fine.  Not great, not OMG, just fine sex, nothing to write home about.  But he was willing to only have it with me, and I thought that his lack of quantity of partners meant more than quality.

Now I wasn’t a total pushover, I did require him to get a job before we took our vows, which he kept until we’d been married for 2 weeks.  After that, he was unemployed for quite a while, long enough for me to max out my credit cards taking care of us, including keeping our social life active, because I really enjoyed spending time with our friends.  His and mine, they all got along, and we had great nights hanging out at our apartment with everyone, big spontaneous parties that were fun, truly fun.  I guess I was drunk so much that I didn’t realize that those were really the only fun times.  My marriage was like the boat ride in Willy Wonka: it started off exciting, but quickly became a seemingly inescapable nightmare.

Here’s the thing: I could’ve avoided the whole mess you’re about to read, if only I’d listened to my gut.  See, the night before the wedding, we got into a huge argument.  We were in our hotel, about to go gambling, something set him off, and all of a sudden, we were screaming at each other.  Right there in the hotel suite, in front of our wedding clothes and everything.  I left the room, heading down to the snack bar to catch my breath, to get some air that wasn’t hanging heavy with anger.  I was sitting alone at a big, round table, when I heard a voice say “Don’t do this, don’t marry him.”  It was a voice inside my head, but so calm and clear that it sounded like someone else.  I indulged in considering that option, and felt a wave of peace wash over me that was quickly chased away by worries and but-thens.   “But then I’ll have to admit that everyone who questioned us was right.”,  “But then I’ll have to give back the wedding gifts, and we’ve already opened them, and I don’t have the money to pay people back.” One friend had given us a bedding set from our wedding registry, and we’d already had sex on it, making it unreturnable, I assumed.  I chose ease over instinct, and here’s what happened:

After he quit his job, he very, very leisurely searched for another one.  By “leisurely”, I mean that he mostly spent his days playing video games, and circling a few want-ads in the paper.  I had to find another part-time job to cover our expenses, because what I brought in as a touring comedian and part-time artist’s model wasn’t enough to cover the living expenses for two.  I could easily take care of myself, but now I was married, and responsible for the welfare of another adult as well.  After several months, he landed another temp job.  Then lost it.  Then got another, keeping it for nearly 4 months before declaring it BS, and walking off mid-shift.  He then decided that he had burned bridges with all the temp agencies in our town, and since I was insistent that he financially contribute, our only real option was to move to a remote town in Oregon, where he would apprentice for his uncle as a cabinet maker until he had the skills to support us wherever we wanted to live.

We sold our cars, and I gave up my dream apartment to go live in a truckstop-town full of secrets, a Mayberry on meth.  His uncle was “sober”, meaning that he smoked a lot of weed, but only occasionally had a beer or 6.  I’m not blaming the weed or booze for his laziness, but the cabinets never got made, and our situation did not improve. There were no jobs for him to get, after he failed the drug test for the one supermarket in town that had an opening. I guess I’d never known actual misery before, and being aware of that, and the impossibility of getting out of it all only made it worse.  After having my life threatened by a confused and angry tweeker who wandered into the porn store where I was a cashier for $20 a day, 3 days a week (our only source of income, btw) we moved to a bigger city. My husband quickly got an actual full-time job, but our relationship never flourished, or even recovered to the level of previous discontent.  I tried several times to end it, but, not wanting to repeat what he saw as the mistakes of his 5-times married father, he refused divorce.  Whenever I’d suggest it, he’d pull out the dramatics, one time actually throwing himself on the ground and repeatedly punching himself in the head.

I was afraid of his rage, his yelling, I remember being on the phone with him while I was on the road working, him loudly shouting accusations about why I hadn’t called him sooner after the show, and being scared to move, scared to sit up in my hotel room bed for fear he would somehow know, and it would somehow make him yell more, even though he was hundreds of miles away, not actually physically present.

After a few years of taking my vows seriously, and respecting the sanctity of our marriage, I resigned myself to the idea that it was just easier to stay married, but spend as much time as possible away from home pretending I wasn’t, than it was to get out of it.

Eventually we broke up, while I was out of town.  I cried all the time during my marriage, but not once over the death of it, never regretting the end at all.  To this day, the only thing I do regret was not listening to the voice I heard in Vegas, that of my small but clear instinct, which could’ve saved me 4 years and 4 million tears.

 

Should Relationships End?

by Riley Silvermanin LOVE

Not too long ago I had to listen to a lecture for work reasons that was about the topic of whether or not it was a good idea for a couple to live together before they got married.  The lecture was skewed towards people of faith, so the natural conclusion was that it wasn’t better.  Rather than fall back on the old standard of living in sin, however, the speaker backed his position up with actual numbers, citing evidence that the divorce rates for people who got married after living together were significantly higher for those who “shacked up” versus those who didn’t make Jesus cry. Thus, those who wait till marriage are more likely to have a successful marriage.

These numbers, I should point out, are fiercely debated and a quick Google search on them yields hundreds of different articles questioning what other factors, like age, economics, etc., could have a stronger correlation to the divorce rates than the shacking up does.  I would also argue that a factor to consider is that the very people who would wait till marriage to live together out of fear of their parents or God or both, are the same people who probably aren’t too likely to consider getting a divorce as a really viable option either.  So of course those people have lower divorce rates. But do they necessarily have happier marriages, or are they just more likely to stay in a bad marriage because they won’t consider a divorce?

What if, and just come with me on this, what if we completely threw out the idea that the single greatest marker of a successful marriage, or any relationship, is that it doesn’t end? It seems crazy, I know, but just think about it.  Each and every one of us probably has at least one great relationship in our past with someone who we ultimately didn’t end up staying with.  What if that wasn’t a failed relationship, but was actually a resounding success? …a resounding success that just happened to end at some point.

Maybe, just maybe, the very real possibility exists that great successful but ultimately short-term relationships are not only possible, but in many, many cases they are so by design.  I could think of the amazing, five month long relationship I had with a woman named Hilary that started in 2009 and ended in 2010 when I moved to Los Angeles as a failure I suppose but I don’t see it that way.  I think the two of us helped each other through a strange transitional moment in both of our lives. It was beautiful while it lasted and then it came to an end when it had to.  I can think of the fact that my parents’ marriage, which is going on forty years’ strong, is not my father’s first marriage, and the fact that I wouldn’t exist if he and his first wife had felt they had to make it work.

So often we let the culture teach us that ending a relationship is the result of a personal failure on our part.  We didn’t work hard enough, we didn’t make the right effort, we were too selfish, etc.  And maybe that’s true sometimes.  But I think the reality is that humans are complicated beings with more and more complicated lives and sometimes we’re so complicated that what is best for us one year might not be the next, or five, ten, fifty years down the road.  Sometimes no amount of work, no amount of attention, will make a relationship last.  Sometimes separating from your partner is the most loving thing you can do.

Modern Marriage Part 1: Why I Eloped

by Alexandra Norrisin LOVE

Don’t freak out or anything. But I have some news. I got married. And to tell you the truth, not much has changed.

We are all living in a new world now. Priorities are shifting. Spending $30k to feel like a rich princess for a day in what is effectively a quinceanera for grownups, may not be your bag, and it wasn’t ours either.

Most of our close friends are spread across various cities, states and other countries; and the idea of something very private between us made public, rendered by my boyfriend extremely uncomfortable. While I am a little more comfortable with receiving attention, I would rather spend that time and money going out to visit them; or hosting them when it’s convenient for them and we can spend time together individually.

Here’s the other thing; eloping is fun. It is easy. And most importantly, it is about the two people getting married. There is no other time in a relationship when other people are invited in; no funeral for the end of one, no party for electing to stay single. No one cares about your anniversaries. When you elope, you get to do things the way you want to, on your own terms, without having to worry about keeping other people happy.

For us, as an international couple in our early 30s; in a relationship for nearly two years, and living together for half of that time, being married allows us to start making long term plans. I can actually start seeing myself staying with him long term and developing our lives together in one place like real grown ups.

A wedding wasn’t our focus, it was simply solidifying our existence as a team. I like to compare it to signing the mortgage on our love. The event itself was an afterthought; a whim, really. Something we discussed in pragmatic terms for some time and when the stars aligned, we went for it. We were never officially engaged, and ‘fiance’ was a term I never coveted nor used. In the weeks leading up to our shotgun love mortgage, I contacted close friends and family to invite them down, but when I saw my husband-to-be’s visible discomfort with any form of attention, I reeled it back in.

Once we get settled, we do plan on having a party with close friends and some family, maybe even several of them, in different places, as a kind of honeymoon/reception double feature. With a healthy distance between being married this sounds like our kind of adventure. One where any feelings of pressure surrounding being put on display, or entertaining others with our private feelings and plans together, grow rapidly smaller in our rear-view.

On our wedding day, my boyfriend brought his father who was visiting from out of town. I brought my friend to officiate and double as my emotional touchstone. We spoke to our other close ones on the phone.

My mother was ready to hop on a plane, but wouldn’t make it in time. I really wanted her to be there, but she has always been one to offer immediate and unflinching support, without holding on too tightly. I’ve always been a wanderlust out on some other part of the world as soon as I could get my hands on it, and she knew this was on the horizon for us, so this was no surprise and we were okay.  My recently estranged brother was crestfallen not to be there, but took the opportunity to break his silence with some very kind things that opened up our relationship in a lovely way.

My mother-in-law to be, however, made her objections known over the phone. I can imagine this sort of thing is hard for a lot of family members, and especially a mother, protective of her son.  She and I have very different ideas about marriage, which I completely understood. She kindly, firmly and respectfully filibustered our plan over the phone. As soon as he caught wind of this, my future father in law swiftly instructed his son to get me off the phone and be there for me while he started the car.

The sincere care I heard for both of us (though, obviously mostly for him) came through amidst her reservations, and the warmth and eager support I received immediately from his father solidified a profound love and appreciation for a family I barely knew. I saw a lot of my husband in him. As I sat in the back seat of the car heading to the chapel,  I watched them both for a moment and took in how fortunate I was to be in their company.

We arrived at the very friendly little chapel, expecting to sign the papers and be on our way, when they happened to have a room open up at the end of the day. I think it might have helped that they liked us, as they let us go inside and make up our own ceremony. It was silly and fun and just for us.

In the aftermath, despite being alternately nervous about taking the leap, and dismissive of the whole idea of traditional marriage, I have been pleasantly surprised with how relaxed things have felt since we pulled the trigger. It feels like a weight’s been lifted and married life is actually a lot fun so far. That honeymoon period is real, y’all.

One thing that I’ve found interesting, has been how much everyone else freaks out about it all; both eloping and our marriage in general. It’s like there is something in us that needs to explode a little bit  and let that Bridget Jones out of her diary for a second, and I sympathize. I get excited for my friends when they are excited about their love.  We have all been encouraged to get excited about the pomp and circumstance of it all, practically since birth.

I love sentiment and I do like jewelry; but tradition isn’t the right fit for us. I don’t like the idea of having a dress I will never wear again collecting space in my closet. The idea of an overpriced rock on my hand to mark someone’s claim on me isn’t appealing either.

With that said, I will most definitely accept a ring, or a necklace, or earrings (wait no, I’ll probably lose those, maybe a bracelet) just for the hell of it. My grandmother instilled this in me with her very glamourous collection of baubles. As wonderful and beautiful as those things are, however, we don’t have that kind of money right now. The way he routinely plugs my phone in for me when I forget, or how he kisses my head before he leaves for work early in the morning while I sleep, are the kinds of things that squeeze my heart more than trying to get him to fit into a box of things he is prescribed to do.

Here is our To Do list, while we chip away at our hefty collection of debt and pull ourselves into an improved financial situation:

  • Adopt a dog and a cat to grow up together (his idea, I’m fine with it)
  • Sell our cars and get one slightly shinier one to share (my idea, he is fine with it)
  • Find an affordable apartment of our own, with enough space for our friends or parents to visit (an idea we share equally); ideally with a room that can also double as our solitude from each other’s farts– or an office…

Even if we wanted it, traditional stuff doesn’t have much room to fit on that list.

In another relationship, at another time in my life, with a different person, perhaps all of this would be different. Perhaps an extravagant affair or someone I call “fiance” for a year would make sense. As we have grown together, I have learned that anniversaries, birthdays and other forced gift-events are not going to work for us. But, every month he dutifully budgets taking me out to whatever new restaurant he’s discovered which has at least four stars and 200 yelp reviews, and to every single movie theatre in a 15 mile radius, as long as we can get there before the trailers start. That is what works for us, and I am kind of proud of that.

What is your idea of a modern wedding?

Marry the Man that Asks

by MONROKin LOVE

A comedian friend of mine by the name of Paul Danke, once gave me some very sound advice “Marry the man that asks you to marry him, because the men that want to get married, GET MARRIED.”

As modern day women, independent, self sufficient, and sometimes downright arrogant, we can forget that it takes two people to be in a relationship. We often feel that we are the masters of our own universe, and that our dream guy is just going to fall out of the sky because we “manifested” it. We fail to realize that we can’t actually get married unless someone asks us to be his wife. Yes, feminism aside, the power ultimately still lies with men. We can decline, but they have to ask, and cough up 3 months salary in jewelry.

The problem is, there are only a certain number of men around that are willing to do that. We can date guys, fall in love, break up, have passionate romances, but only a few of those men are ready enough to be adults and step up to the plate. Rejecting them can be a dangerous game.

What is the #1 reason we reject people? Because we think we can do better. Taller, more handsome, better job, different family, bigger penis, whatever. We can dream up an endless list of the things we would like to have. I always thought I was going to marry a French diplomat that loved female stand up comedians. I married an Egyptian talk show host that grew up in New Jersey. AND HE IS JUST GREAT.

The reason so many of us are single is because we are delusional about our own self worth. We think we deserve the world, but what we really deserve is standing right in front of us. It’s what we’ve attracted. It’s the universe presenting us with a gift. Do we open it or regift it to someone else?

Nothing can stop a man that wants to get married and have a family life. They aren’t afraid to take the plunge. Who does that leave behind? Divorcees, commitment-phobes, lifetime party boys, basically not anyone that was on your “list.” These guys can be a lot of fun, but do not be fooled — expect nothing from the guy who cancels plans last minute because they “have a buddy in town.”

“Marry the man that asks you” is basically saying “Marry the man that loves you the most” aka is willing to spend the rest of his life dealing with your mood swings, unprovoked fury and (often psychological) criticisms in an effort to be with you. I’ve often been asked what my “type” is. I don’t have a “type.” My type is anyone that likes me; guys that aren’t into me are a turnoff, because I like myself. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing someone that feels he is “out of my league.”

It’s hard out there. With Tinder and the myriad of online dating services, it’s easy to feel like the possibilities are endless. It’s a false illusion. Sure, there’s always a penis around the corner, but it doesn’t have a ring on it.

7 Things I Learned From Marriage That I Couldn’t Learn Anywhere Else

by Virginia Jonesin LOVE

Marriage: It’s two people really digging deep, getting to know each other and share each other’s lives, to give and take strength from each other as needed. 

In my standup comedy act, I sometimes ask the audience “Who’s married?” and a lot of hands go up.  Then I ask them, “Who USED to be married?” and feign amazement when lots of the same hands go up.  I berate them for making the same mistake twice-

“Who ARE you people?  Who on earth says, well, that sucked- let me try it again with some other asshole?”

I only sort of mean this.

But I don’t entirely not mean it.

I was married for eight years.  That’s right, in a row, because anyone can take breaks, Janice!

My marriage ended badly, but that doesn’t mean that it was all bad.  I learned a lot about what marriage is.

The first thing I learned about marriage is that it’s not about the engagement or the parties or the wedding, those public, social media things.

It’s the opposite of that.  It’s the ultimate private thing.  It is two people making a life together, alone.  It doesn’t have anything to do with looking pretty in a dress or if your mom enjoyed the profiteroles at the reception.  There is a whole industry geared up to tell you that marriage is about paying 100% more for shoes because they are white, and if you don’t have the right diamond ring, it means he doesn’t love you enough.  It’s not about that.  I learned a lot of things about what marriage isn’t, or wasn’t for me.  It’s not an endless meet cute.  It’s not (necessarily) about pleasing God or childrearing.  It’s two people really digging deep, getting to know each other and share each other’s lives, to give and take strength from each other as needed.  If you primary motivator to get married is not the desire to make and share a life with that person, you should look at what it is you really want.

The second thing I learned about marriage is that you could be so proud and excited about spending the rest of your life with another person one second…

like the time I came home and found that my spouse had spent the day spontaneously putting up shelves for me, and just as aggravated the next day, when that same spouse had totaled his car doing something stupid.  It’s the same person.  “I’m so lucky, I can’t believe I’m married to you!” is the flip side of “OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M MARRIED TO YOU.”  They’ll feel the same way about you sometimes!

They WILL do stupid things, and you will too.  Committing to the rest of your life together means that you’re going to have moments of strength and weakness, days when you can take on the world and days when you can’t get out of bed.  If we were all paragons of virtue and strength every day, we wouldn’t need other people, we’d just be constantly having sex with celebrities.  I think.  And we’d never be sick or tired or unemployed or lonely, because we’d be so busy kicking the universe’s ass every single day.

The third thing I learned about marriage is that it can transform you.

The support of another person, plus all the time you save from online dating, means that each of you can really figure out what you want your life to look like, and make that life.  Sure, you’ll probably stop matching your bra and panty sets and you’ll start eating more bread, but you can become a more fulfilled person.

The things your partner does will reflect on you in a way they never have before, both good and bad.  If they spout off at a party, fail to keep their promises, or behave antisocially, that’s your problem too.  Of course, if your spouse is a Nobel-prize winning doctor, some of that rubs off on you, as well.

I also learned that your spouse is who they are.

People can change behaviors but they can’t really change their identities.  When I met my husband, he was leaving a marriage that ended in infidelity.  Ours ended the same way.  He’s married again and I suspect it’ll end with another woman’s number in his phone.

One good thing about being united with another human being is that you can learn more about who you are, by contrast.  “That’s his thing.  That’s my thing.”  You can find out more about where you overlap and don’t overlap.

 Sex will get really good.

Really, really good.  Having sex with one person who is committed to having good sex with you, having years to figure each other out, means married sex, although the phrase lacks luster, can be incredible.

Your spouse will know you better than anyone.

I regret that my marriage ended badly, because there are things I want to tell him sometimes that only he’ll get.  The person who was closest to you for ten years is hard to lose.

The thing I learned when my marriage ended was that all endings are sad.

Every person who tells you they are divorcing deserves your sympathy and condolences.  Even when the marriage was bad, had been bad for years, there is a sadness in ending something that you hoped would last forever.

The last thing I learned is that other people like being married, and when they’re healed and feeling strong, they’ll seek it out again, and I won’t.  And that’s OK, too.

What are the things you learned from your marriage?

10 Ways to Make Your Significant Other Feel Like They’re the Only One

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

“I had an opportunity to have a long discussion with her fiance the day before he proposed”

My daughter recently became engaged, and I had an opportunity to have a long discussion with her fiance the day before he proposed about her, marriage, and living life together. The topic of how hard he wants to work to make his fiancee, and soon to be wife, feel special and loved came up repeatedly in our conversation.

What can a husband do to help his wife feel special and know that she is loved?

This list, built after years of observation and experience, will help stimulate ideas of your own for helping your wife feel special.

Send her a love note

Handwriting notes and letters is becoming a lost art in an era of instant communications and technology. A love note, written by hand, is an expression that communicates love, caring, and giving of one’s time and self.

A short note sharing your love, your admiration of her, your appreciation of her special traits, and your commitment to her speaks volumes about how special she is.

Learn to speak her love language

Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages has been a true revelation in many relationships. Chapman makes the case that most people receive messages of love in one (or more) of five different ways. The way we receive love is our “love language.” The five languages are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch
  • Receiving gifts
  • Acts of service

My primary love language is words of affirmation; my wife’s is quality time. So hearing from her how wonderful I am communicates love to me, but that love language doesn’t work for her.

I need to give her undivided attention and lots of it for her to feel love. Take time to determine which love language works for your wife or partner, and then speak love in her love language.

Get ‘er done

Do you have a “honey-do” list a mile long? I know that with my hectic schedule, my list never seems to end.

Doing things that are on her list is a good way to show how special she is to you. If she sees you doing the things that are important to her, she will feel love and devotion. Painting the family room, cleaning up the garage, or following through on a commitment to the kids will make a big difference in how she feels about you and about her worth to you.

Call her on the phone

A phone call in the middle of the day lets her know that you are thinking about her. Consider calling at a random time, when she will least expect it, and just tell her that you are thinking about her, wanting to know how her day is going and to communicate love. It is easy to get caught up in all the business of the day, and she knows it. So taking time to call and let hew know she is important will make a big positive difference in her day.

Send sweet text messages

If you have the ability to communicate via text message, consider sending texts that communicate love, and maybe even flirt occasionally. Here are a few suggestions to get your ideas flowing about what might work for your partner.

  • If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together!
  • Thinking of you makes me smile.
  • Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
  • I just moved you up to the top of my TO DO list

Plan a romantic getaway

Find someone responsible to take the kids and make plans for a weekend away. Plan everything out, choosing things that she likes to do. For example, make dinner reservations and get tickets for a play, a movie or an event she would enjoy. Reserve a hotel room, pack her bags, and make sure her calendar is clear. Some quality time with things she loves to do is an awesome way to communicate how special your wife is to you.

Make it physical

Lots of dads will read this and think sex. But remember, our partners want to be touched in more ways than we like to be touched. Consider an extra long hug in the morning, or a kiss hello or goodbye that lasts about 15 seconds. A back rub, foot rub, or a tender massage communicates worlds about your feelings for her. Physical touch is important in a relationship, and while it often leads to sexual touching, your wife will love the extra attention and the feeling of being touched without it having to lead to something else.

Listen fully engaged

With our busy and demanding world where work tends to invade every moment of life, it is easy to be distracted at home. Even the kids can create significant distractions from meaningful communication. One habit my partner and I picked up long ago is setting aside 30 minutes each evening to just talk. No television, no kids, no telephone or computer, no friends. Having half and hour for just us has really helped with our communications patterns and allows me to be fully engaged in the conversation.Active listening, where you listen with all your senses for intent and feeling, is a big communicator of love and affection.

Cook for her

There is something a bit romantic and something that communicates love and caring when a man cooks for his woman. Plan ahead for a meal she likes. Find a recipe, get the ingredients, and the follow the recipe to create a great meal for her. A little pampering like being able to eat a meal that she didn’t have to plan for or prepare goes a long way in letting her know how much you care.

Give her a break

One things our partners don’t usually get at home is a break. From the time she gets up until the time she crashes into bed, it is usually one very long day with more demands on her time that she can fill. This is especially true if she is a stay-at-home mom where she is likely starved for adult human contact. And moms who work outside the home also tend to carry with them all day their responsibility as a mother. Giving her a break from the stresses of the day can really communicate love. A hot bath with some music she enjoys while you clean up, go through the bedtime routine with the kids and get things ready for the next day will really help her feel your love and your specific concern for her and her needs.

Whatever you do, make sure that you regularly communicate how special your wife is to you. Little things are big things, and it is important to identify how she receives your communication of love and to make time to make these little expressions happen.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

10 Sex Secrets to a Happy Marriage

by zfortadminin Sex

Writer Brian Orme says, “I’m 41 years old, and have been married to the same beautiful woman for almost two decades. Over the years I’ve had to work through some myths and misconceptions about sex.

Many of these misconceptions started early, before I was married, and they’ve taken years to straighten out. If I could send 10 sex and intimacy tips to myself before I was married, this is exactly what I’d say.

Sexual intimacy doesn’t happen like it does on TV or in the movies

Much of what you know about sex comes from advertising, TV and the movies. In other words, sex looks like a spontaneous, flawless connection of love-making filled with romance, music and candles in windowsills. Sexual intimacy does not work like that. Don’t be disappointed — real sexual intimacy is different than the movies, but it’s much better in the long run.

A note on frequency. Brace yourself.

Right now you’re thinking marriage is filled with sex almost every second of the day and thousands of times a week. You should live in this dream world for as long as you can and ride your trusty unicorn into the Skittle-stained sunset where you pet your wild Ewok and cross the Bridge to Terabithia. Stay there. As long as you can. That is all.

Sex is like fine wine — it gets better with age

Sexual intimacy is something you get better and better at. It takes communication, practice and time. Right now you think your sex IQ is at a genius level, but you really don’t know everything.

Sex is not just about getting, but giving

Are you laughing? I’m serious. Sex is something that requires both of you to give. And it’s good to give. Don’t be a taker all the time. Sexual intimacy is a great place to model sacrifice and service. If you get that into your head now, the getting will be even better. There’s great beauty and mystery in the giving. Be generous.

Men and women don’t think about sex the same way

For you, sex is wrapped up in physical attraction and it’s very visual and instantaneous. However, you might want to sit down for this one. Women think about sex in terms of the relationship, their security and how much they feel loved and pursued. For you, sex is like a light switch without a dimmer — you’re totally ready at any moment. For her, sex is like a crockpot that takes a good part of the day to come to a simmer. You will both be frustrated by this. That’s okay; it’s part of God’s wiring to bring you together on a deeper level.

Sex doesn’t complete you

Right now, you are putting a ton of stock in the power, importance and value of sex. Let’s be honest, you think about it constantly. You need to know sexual intimacy is fantastic and satisfying and incredible in so many ways, but it’s not meant to be an idol. You will need to fight this and work to keep sex in proper perspective — as a gift from God to be enjoyed in marriage.

Sex can be fun and funny and playful

There are many angles of sexual intimacy, and some of them you’re totally unaware of right now. You think of sex in one dimension — serious pleasure. However, sexual intimacy done right is a form of vulnerability and authenticity, and when you totally love someone and have nothing to hide — and I mean nothing — you are free to be your truest self.

Be romantic and pursue her

Make sure she knows you want her in more ways than just the physical. Pursue her mind. Pursue her heart. Pursue her in every way possible. Remember, she doesn’t think about sex like you do — you’re all skin and eyeballs, and she’s all heart and soul.

It’s more mysterious than you think

Again, right now your thoughts about sex are pretty simple. You’re stuck in the physical, but God designed sexual intimacy to be way more complex than two bodies finding their way together. It’s hard to explain and I don’t fully understand it, but something magical happens in the act of sex, something cosmic that links you to her in a way that’s soul deep.

Sex in marriage is a form of worship

Most of your thoughts about worship are confined to religious places. So, when I say sex is worship, you probably think I’m nuts. But soon you’ll get a bigger picture. It’s a fun point in our spiritual journey. You can have unashamed, unabashed, unadulterated sex as often as you want with your partner.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

5 Surefire Tips for a Successful Marriage from Real-Life Couples

by zfortadminin LOVE

Marriage can be both a source of joy and sorrows. Through ups and downs, couples can bolster their happiness by following these five tips that real life couples find work for them.

Share the housework

Research finds that couples that split household duties, including cooking, cleaning and child rearing, enjoy more sex and are happier than couples where the woman tackles “feminine” tasks and the man tackles “manly” tasks.

Lamar and Ronnie agree.

“We do everything as a team. We’re a team at work but also at home, you know with raising the kids. So teamwork has been instrumental in our marriage,” says Ronnie.

All you need is love

A majority of couples say love makes their marriages successful. Saying it to each other and remembering it can help strengthen relationships. Joel and Michael realize the importance that love plays in their marriage and celebrate it.

“I really don’t think there’s any difference between gay and straight marriage. It’s just two people who love each other and are going through life together. Marriage is marriage. Love is love,” says Joel.

Pack your bags, but not the kids

While parenting feels fulfilling, sometimes taking a break from the kids and focusing on the each other is greatly needed. It helps couples re-join and allows kids to gain some independence. Trina and George knew they needed some kid-free time away.

“We decided to start taking vacations without the kids because we knew almost immediately that it was important for us to stay connected,” George said.

Trina says the couple goes away mostly for weekend trips and the location doesn’t matter much.

“It really is about being together being exclusively together,” she says.

I want to hold your hand

Couples who hold hands with their spouses show the world that they love each other. They also provide strength, comfort, and affection to each other.

“It’s very much a sign of or a silent way of saying I love you,” says Lee, who has been married to Harry for 67 years.

Have fun together

Laugh together. Go on adventures. Play games. Share new experiences and have fun together to boost your marriage.

“I think the secret to our marriage is to be honest and open and laugh whenever we can and spend time with each other,” says Michael, who has been married to Joel for two years.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Wait Before Tying the Knot

by zfortadminin LOVE

Helen Fisher says that if you wait about two years before getting married, it could boost your chances of leading a happy, life-long marriage.

In some ways marriage has taken on a terrifying role in today’s society because of what can come after: divorce. It’s not an unreasonable fear considering an estimated 40 to 50% of married couples in the US have divorced.

But, anthropologist and human behavior expert at Indiana University who’s spent decades studying different aspect of love, Helen Fisher says that if you wait about two years before getting married, it could boost your chances of leading a happy, life-long marriage.

“There was a recent study in which they asked a lot of [dating] people who were living together … why have they not yet married and 67% were terrified of divorce,” Fisher said on Big Think.

“Terrified of not only the legal and the financial and the economic but the personal and social fall out of divorce.”

Interestingly, this fear of divorce is actually giving way to healthier marriages, overall, because people are taking more time getting to know each other before tying the knot, Fisher said.

And time is the only one way to reactivate a part of the brain — responsible for logical decision making and planning — that shuts down when you first fall in love with someone new, which can explain the irrational behavior of two people who are madly in love:

“One of the problems with early stage intense feelings of romantic love is that it’s part of the oldest part of the brain that become activated — brain regions linked with drive, with craving, with obsession, with motivation,” Fisher, who has studied the brain on love, said. “In fact some cognitive regions up in the prefrontal cortex [shown below in red] that have evolved more recently begin to shut down — brain regions linked with decision making [and] planning ahead.”

This intense feeling of love can cloud your ability to think logically or rationally about the person you’re with. Therefore, by allowing time for the brain to adjust to the new situation and feelings you’re experiencing, you can recognize whether who you’re dating is actually right for you.

“I think … this slow love process of getting to know somebody very carefully over a long period of time is going to help the brain readjust some of these brain regions for decision making,” Fisher said. “You’re going to get to know how this person handles your parents at Christmas … how they handle your friends, how they handle their money, how they handle an argument … etc.”

Ultimately, you want to get a good sense of your partner’s behavior during these real life situations, which is why Fisher suggests to wait at least two years. That way, you’ve been around the annual treadmill of life twice with your partner, and, therefore, should have a good sense of how they handle themselves under different circumstances.

“I think people should marry when they feel like marrying but from what I know about the brain if it were me I’d wait at least two years.”

Curated by Timothy
Original Article

Divorce Lawyers Share What to Do to Stay Married

by zfortadminin LOVE

The best source for marriage advice? Divorce attorneys. Before you protest, just think about it: Every day at work they see the types of marital problems that lead otherwise happy couples to split up.

With that in mind, we recently asked 11 family law attorneys to volunteer their best love and relationship advice. See what they had to say below.

1. A sustainable marriage is not about love, it’s about tolerance.

“Can you tolerate all your partner’s quirks? Even the ones that you don’t like, are they tolerable? Don’t marry your partner thinking that any of his or her quirks are going to change, improve or wane. As we get older, your partner’s quirks will only magnify. So if you can’t tolerate it now, you for sure are not going to be able to tolerate it in the future. Tolerance may not be romantic, but it is the key to a long lasting marriage.” — Melissa B. Buchman, an attorney in Beverly Hills, California 

2. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. 

“Unfortunately, many couples I see going through a divorce ascribe bad — or sometimes terrible — motives to everything their spouses do. What is the harm in assuming or presuming the best? Even if you’re wrong, it hurts no one. And it may be the start of a better relationship.”  — Randall M. Kessler, an attorney based in Atlanta, Georgia

3. Don’t be afraid to feed your spouse’s ego now and then.

“Silly as it may sound, your spouse wants to feel strong, sexy and attractive. I have seen spouses cheat because someone else showed them attention and made them feel good.” — Christian Denmon, an attorney in Florida 

4. Put your spouse before your kids. 

“This may not be the most popular piece of advice, especially for parents, but after watching countless people get divorced because they allowed themselves to slowly drift apart over the years, I honestly believe it’s true. We are all busy these days. It’s far too easy to put your job, your house, your activities and your kids before your spouse. Don’t do it! While many people believe that their kids have to come first, if they don’t put their spouse first and their marriage eventually sours, it’s not going to be doing the kids any favors. If you value your marriage, choose to put it first.” —Karen Covy, an attorney and divorce coach based in Chicago, Illinois 

5. Don’t wait until it’s too late to work on your marriage.

“Work on your marriage while it’s still a good marriage, don’t wait until there’s a problem. ‘Work’ does not have to mean counseling, it can simply be having a set date night once a month.” — Carla Schiff Donnelly, an attorney based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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The Married Millennial – Are We Too Young?

by RJ Newellin LOVE

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different.

I got married at 21. By today’s standards, that makes me a unicorn.

When I show up with a new tattoo, nobody bats an eye. But the second I say I’m married? I might as well have joined a cult.

“How old are you, again?” my yoga teacher asked.

I answered honestly. “I’m 21.”

Her face must have gone through fifty shades of pity. “Are you sure?”

In our early twenties, we are expected to make adult decisions. Finishing college, choosing our careers, voting in elections – these are not tasks for children. As an adult, I’m allowed to make choices for myself. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

If we can smoke cigarettes in our twenties (risking cancer), own a credit card (and a lifetime of student loan debt), or joining the military (at 18, mind you) – why is marriage such a scary concept to us?

Traditional marriage goes against what many of us have come to know.

“How long have you been together? Because when I was in my twenties…”

This is a trick question. It doesn’t matter how long we have been together – her mind is made up that I am too young. Her conclusion is probably drawn from her own experiences at 21 – and that’s not a bad thing.

A year before, I would have agreed with her. I’ve had every reason to not believe in marriage. My experiences with long-term relationships began much younger than most, and nearly all of them ended in heartbreak. I know what it’s like to think you’ll spend forever with someone, only to leave – or be left. My own parents divorced. My friends’ parents divorced. I’ve been to more divorce dinners than actual weddings…and that’s because I don’t like weddings.

Before my husband came along, I swore off the possibility of long-term relationships completely. Monogamy was a lie. Marriage was an outdated system. Why would a strong, career-minded feminist like myself willingly give herself legally to another person?

I argued this point whenever marriage was mentioned. I questioning my friends’ life choices and cut my own relationships short when things got too serious. I was content to spend the rest of my life as a happily single woman. Now, here I am, with a ring on my finger.

Is it scary? Yes. Do I question my decision? No.

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different. I can’t predict the next ten, twenty, thirty years. But no matter how my life turns out, I will be grateful for having shared it with him.

Nobody can predict the future, and that’s what makes marriage so huge.

I know a couple that dated for ten years before getting married. They divorced after one year. I also know a couple that got married six months after they met. They’ve been married for thirty years, and counting.

There is no guarantee that any relationship will survive. Our generation has been raised to value reward over risk. We want results, now. To many of us, marriage just sounds like a really expensive mistake. It’s easier to live together and have children together, without the hassle of expensive paperwork.

“Why invest in a marriage when you can have all the perks without it?” asked basically everyone.

As soon as our engagement announcement went live on social media, my inbox overflowed with congratulations…and concern.

“Have you been with him long enough to be sure?”

“Does this mean you giving up your career?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“I know it’s not my business, but…”

Sixty years ago, getting married in your twenties was totally normal. But then again, more of us had stable jobs in those days. People weren’t as afraid of the future then as we are now.

Nobody knows where – or who – we’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years. For many, this is why being “tied down” to any one person is terrifying. But for some, this is all the more reason to commit to something – or someone.

We’ve now been married for one year. So far, so good. We know that marriage is hard work. And it’s more than likely that we won’t be the same people in ten years. That’s not a bad thing. It means we’re growing – and hopefully, we’ll grow together.

Maybe you are also in your twenties, and you were hoping this article might help you decide whether to get married or not. My question for you, is – why?

Do your life choices reflect what you want, or what other people want? This applies to everything, not just marriage. Self-sabotage occurs by comparing ourselves to others and waiting for outer validation.

When my lover got down on one knee, he didn’t say, “Hey, friends and family, should she marry me?”

And I didn’t say, “Hold on a second,” and then get out my phone to Google national divorce statistics.

He simply asked, “Will you marry me?”

And I said, “Yes.”

Marriage is a choice between two people, to be made every day for the rest of life. I feel ready, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Love is all that matters. Embrace the way it lives for you.

Are we TOO young?

Call the Wedding Planner! Six Global Wedding Traditions You Must Add to Your Big Day

by Maria Shehatain LOVE

You’ve fantasized about that person, imagined yourself standing next to them at the altar, leaning in to kiss them. In Sweden, you’re allowed to play out that fantasy.

You did it, you’re finally getting married! You’ve finally found someone you’re on the same page with. No more overanalyzing, they ARE that into you. You’ve dreamt about this moment your whole life, or possibly only really thought about it in the last month. Either way, wearing white, tossing the bouquet, and smearing wedding cake all over your partner’s nose are great ways to bore everyone else to tears. Sure your parents would love a traditional wedding, but these ARE traditions, just not your own…yet. Here are six wedding traditions that will make your guests actually want to come to your wedding.

1. Norwegian Surprise –

Norwegian Wedding Cake

Cake? Yes please. Wine? Definitely. Cake with a bottle of wine in it? Norway, you geniuses. Norwegian wedding cake known as Kransekake, is a cone shaped cake with a series of layers of cake rings piled on top of each other. The bride and groom are meant to lift the top ring, and however many rings stick to the top of it is how many children the couple will have and yada yada yada, there’s wine in the middle! Eat your way to your drink, and enjoy!

2. Chinese Runway –

red chinese wedding dress

You spend hours, months, years searching for the perfect dress and quite frankly, one isn’t enough. In China, they know that. Three different dresses make their way into this day, first comes the traditional qipao, then comes a western style wedding gown, and then comes a ball gown. A ball gown, just like the fairy tale princess you always knew you were. You’ve exercised for months, your hair and make up are on point, your tan is real, and there’s a photographer following you around everywhere you go. Why would you only wear one dress? Pick a few good looks, practice your one-knee-out standing pose, and walk down that runway, I mean aisle, in your favorite style.

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The Married Millennial: What Marriage Isn’t

by RJ Newellin LOVE

The Wedding industry in the United States has an estimated worth of nearly $60 Billion. That may be no surprise, but did you know that the Divorce industry is booming, too?

Recent findings suggest that the Divorce industry’s total worth in the U.S. is $50 Billion or more. It makes sense, then, that most lifestyle websites will have a “Weddings” section and a “Divorce” section, with little to say about the marriage in between.

Marriage isn’t cool, these days. Stable relationships simply don’t make headlines. Hollywood magazines are constantly on the lookout for wedding announcements and breakup scandals. Paparazzi follow newly married celebrity couples, denying them privacy. When the whole world is waiting for them to screw up, is it any wonder that most famous marriages fail?

If our famous role models are divorcing, our parents have been separated, and our newly engaged friends are over-sharing ring selfies left and right, it’s understandable that we have warped ideas of marriage.

To define what marriage actually is, let’s consider what it isn’t.

Marriage is not a blissful horseback ride into the sunset.

Most people do not have their lives figured out, their hearts fully mended, or their finances in perfect shape before tying the knot.

Before I met my husband, I said I would never marry unless I: (1) had become wildly successful, (2) conquered my anxiety, (3) made a million dollars, and (4) owned my own home. But then, I met him…and there went all my plans.

On the other hand – marriage is not a bummer. At all.

Our relationships reflect our inner states – and how you value your partner shouldn’t change just because you’re married. Happy unions are not as rare as you’d think. People who are genuinely happy with their partners are actually less likely to talk about it on social media, or in public. Unhappy people, on the other hand, are much louder about their dissatisfaction. Marriage, by itself, does not make people unhappy. Life does. It’s been said to “Never take advice from someone you wouldn’t trade places with.” This applies to marriage tips, too.

Marriage is not about “settling” or compromising on your dreams.

Sure, my checklist didn’t happen in the order in which I planned it, but since being with my husband, I’ve accomplished more than ever before. He encourages me – and because we have similar goals, we work well as a team. You don’t have to be alone in order to achieve your dreams, as long as your partner is truly supportive.

If you expect your partner to set aside their goals in order to make the relationship work, this is a problem. If you’re thinking that marriage will change your partner (or you), it won’t.

Marriage is not about you.

It’s not your partner’s job to make you happy – it’s yours. We all have problems, but your spouse can only do so much. There’s a reason why people say the first year is the hardest: our personal expectations almost never match the reality of a lifelong partnership. Nobody “fixes” us.

When we date, we often present the perfect package. We offer the best versions of ourselves – and this is not a bad thing. Unfortunately, there are two sides to every coin, and you need to be willing to work on your issues. Marriage brings only one guarantee, and that’s vulnerability. It is a commitment to working on yourself, while encouraging your partner in their journey.

Marriage is not the end of freedom – not anymore.

I can’t tell you how many people asked me “why?” when I said I was getting married in my early twenties. There’s an outdated image of a 1940’s housewife begrudging her chores, and a 1940’s husband who’s dying to cheat on her.

It’s 2016, people! Marriage has changed as much as we have. My partner has a career, and so do I. He has friends, and I have mine. We do fun things together, and have no qualms about going places on our own. Nowadays, people can get married because we want to. Not because we have to.

Marriage is not the end of sex, or dating.

The longer you’re together, the more opportunities there are to be creative. Being married is not an excuse for complacency. You may not sweep your partner off their feet every day, but don’t forget to make them feel valued. Intimacy is only as important as you make it…So make it important.

Marriage is not everything.

My relationship with my husband is number one to me. But if I don’t have a life outside of our marriage, it’s unhealthy. Maybe that’s why marriage doesn’t make headlines: we’re all just people living our lives. It’s not as glamorous as a wedding, or as dramatic as a divorce, but I like this better. Much better.

In the end, Marriage is what you make it.

It’s like any other thing, except it involves another person who is equally important and committed. Marriage might have changed in meaning, but love itself has not. Commitment relies on communication in order to thrive.

Marriage looks different on everyone. Choose your own adventure.

There are countless variations to the traditional marriage model. In the Western World, gender roles don’t matter the way they used to. Women can choose to have careers, or stay at home – and so can men. These days, most of us get married for love, and having children is optional. Some couples live together, and some live apart. Monogamy is a choice between two people, and some marriages skip it altogether. Regardless of gender, religion, race, sexual orientation, married or unmarried, we all deserve to love – and be loved – in the way that’s right for us.

Top Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do

by zfortadminin LOVE

When it comes to marriage, what you don’t know really can hurt you.

Whether because of shyness, lack of interest or a desire to preserve romantic mystery, many couples do not ask each other the difficult questions that can help build the foundation for a stable marriage, according to relationship experts.

In addition to wanting someone with whom they can raise children and build a secure life, those considering marriage now expect their spouses to be both best friend and confidant. These romantic-comedy expectations, in part thanks to Hollywood, can be difficult to live up to.

Sure, there are plenty of questions couples can ask of each other early in the relationship to help ensure a good fit, but let’s face it: most don’t.

“If you don’t deal with an issue before marriage, you deal with it while you’re married,” said Robert Scuka, the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. It can be hard to keep secrets decade after decade, and reticence before the wedding can lead to disappointments down the line.

The following questions, intimate and sometimes awkward, are designed to spark honest discussions and possibly give couples a chance to spill secrets before it’s too late.

1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?

A relationship’s success is based on how differences are dealt with, said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute. As we are all shaped by our family’s dynamic, he said, this question will give you insight into whether your partner will come to mimic the conflict resolution patterns of his or her parents or avoid them.

2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?

With the question of children, it is important to not just say what you think your partner wants to hear, according to Debbie Martinez, a divorce and relationship coach. Before marrying, couples should honestly discuss if they want children. How many do they want? At what point do they want to have them? And how do they imagine their roles as parents? Talking about birth-control methods before planning a pregnancy is also important, said Marty Klein, a sex and marriage therapist.

3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?

Bradford Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, pointed to research his organization has sponsored that indicated that having had many serious relationships can pose a risk for divorce and lower marital quality. (This can be because of a person having more experience with serious breakups and potentially comparing a current partner unfavorably with past ones.) Raising these issues early on can help, Dr. Wilcox said. Dr. Klein said people are “hesitant to explicitly talk about their past” and can feel retroactively jealous or judgmental. “The only real way to have those conversations in an intimate and productive way and loving way is to agree to accept that the other person had a life before the couple,” he said.

4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?

If two people come from different religious backgrounds, is each going to pursue his or her own religious affiliation? Dr. Scuka has worked with couples on encouraging honest discussion around this issue as the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. What is more, spouses are especially likely to experience conflict over religious traditions when children are added to the mix, according to Dr. Wilcox. If the couple decide to have children, they must ask how the children’s religious education will be handled. It is better to have a plan, he said.

5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?

It’s important to know how your partner feels about financial self-sufficiency and whether he or she expects you to keep your resources separate, said Frederick Hertz, a divorce lawyer. Disclosing debts is very important. Equally, if there is a serious discrepancy between your income and your partner’s, Dr. Scuka recommended creating a basic budget according to proportional incomes. Many couples fail to discuss sharing finances, though it is crucial, he said.

6. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?

Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of financial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator, according to Mr. Hertz. Couples can also frame this question around what they spend reckless amounts of money on, he said.

7. Can you deal with my doing things without you?

Going into marriage, many people hope to keep their autonomy in certain areas of their life at the same time they are building a partnership with their spouse, according to Seth Eisenberg, the president of Pairs (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). This means they may be unwilling to share hobbies or friends, and this can lead to tension and feelings of rejection if it isn’t discussed. Couples may also have different expectations as to what “privacy” means, added Dr. Klein, and that should be discussed, too. Dr. Wilcox suggested asking your partner when he or she most needs to be alone.

8. Do we like each other’s parents?

As long as you and your partner present a united front, having a bad relationship with your in-laws can be manageable, Dr. Scuka said. But if a spouse is not willing to address the issue with his or her parents, it can bode very poorly for the long-term health of the relationship, he said. At the same time, Dr. Pearson said, considering the strengths and weaknesses of your parents can illuminate future patterns of attachment or distancing in your own relationship.

9. How important is sex to you?

Couples today expect to remain sexually excited by their spouse, an expectation that did not exist in the past, according to Mr. Eisenberg. A healthy relationship will include discussion of what partners enjoy about sex as well as how often they expect to have it, Dr. Klein said. If people are looking to experience different things through sex — pleasure versus feeling young, for example — some negotiation may be required to ensure both partners remain satisfied.

10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?

Dr. Klein said couples should discuss their attitudes about pornography, flirting and expectations for sexual exclusivity. A couple’s agreement on behavior in this area can, and most likely will, change down the line, he said, but it is good to set the tone early on so both partners are comfortable discussing it. Ideally, sexual exclusivity should be talked about in the same way as other day-to-day concerns, so that problems can be dealt with before a partner becomes angry, he said. Dr. Pearson suggested asking your partner outright for his or her views on pornography. Couples are often too scared to ask about this early in the relationship, but he has frequently seen it become a point of tension down the line, he said.

11. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?

Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages,” introduced this means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. Ms. Martinez hands her premarriage clients a list of the five love languages: affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. She asks them to mark their primary and secondary languages and what they think is their partner’s, and discuss them. Mr. Eisenberg said that a couple needs to work out how to nurture the relationship, in a way specific to them.

12. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?

Can you imagine the challenges ever outweighing the admiration? If so, what would you do? Anne Klaeysen, a leader of the New York Society for Ethical Culture, said that couples rarely consider that second question. Ideally, marriage is a life commitment, she said, and it’s not enough to just “click together,” as many couples describe their relationship. A marriage must go deeper than that original “click.”

13. How do you see us 10 years from now?

Keeping the answer to this question in mind can help a couple deal with current conflict as they work toward their ultimate relationship goals, according to Mr. Eisenberg.

Dr. Wilcox said this discussion could also be an opportunity to raise the question of whether each partner will consider divorce if the relationship deteriorates, or whether they expect marriage to be for life, come what may.

Curated by Timothy
Original Article