Tag: Love

Does Age Really Matter in a Relationship?

by Lorraine Rockin LOVE

Statistically speaking most people form relationships with people close to their own age.

If you look around you, you will most likely find that your friends, neighbours and relatives are in relationships with people between two to 7 years older or younger than they themselves are.

Women have traditionally married men a couple of years older. There are a few rational reasons for this. In the past a woman wanted someone who was a bit more established than she was, and anecdotally men want to wait longer before they have families.

In my own life I have dated men up to 16 years older than I am, and also men up to 9 years younger. The younger I was it seemed, the older my partner was!

When I was 18 I had a 2 year relationship with a man of 34. He was just 10 years younger than my Dad, and was actually friends with him. I benefitted from his maturity, but eventually found the relationship a bit stifling. We were both volunteers for St. John’s Ambulance, and that was the only thing we really had in common.

During the time I was dating the older guy, I met a man of 22, and we had an on-off relationship for a couple of years. In many ways I was the more mature of the two of us, he was a musician and a bit of a skirt-chaser. The advantage of the relationship was that we had so much in common. We both enjoyed the same kind of music, and with that as a background would talk into the wee hours of the morning over endless cups of coffee, with our gang of mutual friends. My first really long term relationship was also with someone virtually my own age. We had similar backgrounds, similar interests, and in most ways were a perfect fit.

When that relationship broke down, I played the field for a few years and dated both younger and older men. Each age group seemed to have some advantages, younger men were mostly energetic, adorable and a tad insecure, awed by your profound knowledge! but had a totally different frame of reference. Older men were more likely to nurture and want to protect little old you, but tended to want to be “in charge”!

I remember telling one of my younger dates (He was 21, I was 30.) that I had gone to see the World’s Fair with friends, he replied that his parents had taken him – he had been 9, I had been 18, literally double his age! His tastes in music were vastly different, and his idea of a good time was dancing the night away at a party, my taste was maturing into an appreciation of Wine and Fine Dining!

My affection for him was almost condescending, and I did not like that he brought that out in me. I also found that men of my own age, despite the natural differences in personality, at least understood the same social and political references, and had seen the same movies that I had seen!

I had noticed that in many May/September romances of any kind, it is the power imbalance that strains the relationship, so if that is evened out in some way, by money, prestige, or even just personality, then relative power is not an issue.

In my opinion, similarity in tastes and experience is more important than age; but you are much more likely to find those similarities in someone fairly close to your own age. As you age, the gap can actually widen a bit. A 50 year old woman and a 40 year old man (or vice versa) probably have much experience in common, and, in North America at least, maturity is a great leveller.

Each relationship is unique, of course, what works for one is not necessarily good for another.

Problems due to different tastes can be worked through if both parties are willing to compromise. There are mature 20 year-olds, and immature 40 year-olds. As with any aspect of a relationship it works if you both really want it to. Just look at Madonna! – or maybe that’s not a good example.

Age may be just a number, and we are all as old as we feel, or as young as we look,  Right now I am married to a man who is 6 months my junior, but looks and acts his age, whereas I look and act 10 years younger! The older I get it seems that age becomes just demographic information, and inside my head I can remember being 19, which makes me younger than my children!

7 Things I Learned From Marriage That I Couldn’t Learn Anywhere Else

by Virginia Jonesin LOVE

Marriage: It’s two people really digging deep, getting to know each other and share each other’s lives, to give and take strength from each other as needed. 

In my standup comedy act, I sometimes ask the audience “Who’s married?” and a lot of hands go up.  Then I ask them, “Who USED to be married?” and feign amazement when lots of the same hands go up.  I berate them for making the same mistake twice-

“Who ARE you people?  Who on earth says, well, that sucked- let me try it again with some other asshole?”

I only sort of mean this.

But I don’t entirely not mean it.

I was married for eight years.  That’s right, in a row, because anyone can take breaks, Janice!

My marriage ended badly, but that doesn’t mean that it was all bad.  I learned a lot about what marriage is.

The first thing I learned about marriage is that it’s not about the engagement or the parties or the wedding, those public, social media things.

It’s the opposite of that.  It’s the ultimate private thing.  It is two people making a life together, alone.  It doesn’t have anything to do with looking pretty in a dress or if your mom enjoyed the profiteroles at the reception.  There is a whole industry geared up to tell you that marriage is about paying 100% more for shoes because they are white, and if you don’t have the right diamond ring, it means he doesn’t love you enough.  It’s not about that.  I learned a lot of things about what marriage isn’t, or wasn’t for me.  It’s not an endless meet cute.  It’s not (necessarily) about pleasing God or childrearing.  It’s two people really digging deep, getting to know each other and share each other’s lives, to give and take strength from each other as needed.  If you primary motivator to get married is not the desire to make and share a life with that person, you should look at what it is you really want.

The second thing I learned about marriage is that you could be so proud and excited about spending the rest of your life with another person one second…

like the time I came home and found that my spouse had spent the day spontaneously putting up shelves for me, and just as aggravated the next day, when that same spouse had totaled his car doing something stupid.  It’s the same person.  “I’m so lucky, I can’t believe I’m married to you!” is the flip side of “OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M MARRIED TO YOU.”  They’ll feel the same way about you sometimes!

They WILL do stupid things, and you will too.  Committing to the rest of your life together means that you’re going to have moments of strength and weakness, days when you can take on the world and days when you can’t get out of bed.  If we were all paragons of virtue and strength every day, we wouldn’t need other people, we’d just be constantly having sex with celebrities.  I think.  And we’d never be sick or tired or unemployed or lonely, because we’d be so busy kicking the universe’s ass every single day.

The third thing I learned about marriage is that it can transform you.

The support of another person, plus all the time you save from online dating, means that each of you can really figure out what you want your life to look like, and make that life.  Sure, you’ll probably stop matching your bra and panty sets and you’ll start eating more bread, but you can become a more fulfilled person.

The things your partner does will reflect on you in a way they never have before, both good and bad.  If they spout off at a party, fail to keep their promises, or behave antisocially, that’s your problem too.  Of course, if your spouse is a Nobel-prize winning doctor, some of that rubs off on you, as well.

I also learned that your spouse is who they are.

People can change behaviors but they can’t really change their identities.  When I met my husband, he was leaving a marriage that ended in infidelity.  Ours ended the same way.  He’s married again and I suspect it’ll end with another woman’s number in his phone.

One good thing about being united with another human being is that you can learn more about who you are, by contrast.  “That’s his thing.  That’s my thing.”  You can find out more about where you overlap and don’t overlap.

 Sex will get really good.

Really, really good.  Having sex with one person who is committed to having good sex with you, having years to figure each other out, means married sex, although the phrase lacks luster, can be incredible.

Your spouse will know you better than anyone.

I regret that my marriage ended badly, because there are things I want to tell him sometimes that only he’ll get.  The person who was closest to you for ten years is hard to lose.

The thing I learned when my marriage ended was that all endings are sad.

Every person who tells you they are divorcing deserves your sympathy and condolences.  Even when the marriage was bad, had been bad for years, there is a sadness in ending something that you hoped would last forever.

The last thing I learned is that other people like being married, and when they’re healed and feeling strong, they’ll seek it out again, and I won’t.  And that’s OK, too.

What are the things you learned from your marriage?

Single Women Are the World’s True Romantics

by zfortadminin LOVE

Are single women the World’s true romantics?

Beautiful woman in a summer garden blossoming roses.

I am sitting with my sister-in-law, a contented wife and mother of four, in the garden of her summer house on a balmy afternoon. We are discussing the recent remarriage of a friend of hers, an older man who might have been expected to marry a different sort of woman—less arm-candyish and more compelling—than the shiny young blond he ended up choosing. My sister-in-law goes on to observe how none of her single older female friends, whether divorced or widowed, are dating. She says it matter-of-factly, but the obvious implication is that this is an unfortunate situation, something to be clucked over. Looking across her dock at the seagulls companionably weaving in and out of the water, I find myself thinking that I am just like these women, uncoupled and dating no one. The truth of the matter, however, is that far from seeing this as something to be pitied, a large part of me sees it as a condition of inadvertent freedom to be devoutly held on to.

Lest you think this claim is no more than some form of adroitly rationalized sour grapes, let me hasten to add that I have arrived at this point of view only lately. Like most other heterosexual women, I have spent much of my adult life in relationships with men, as either a girlfriend or once, briefly, as a bona fide wife. After I got divorced in my late thirties, I pretty much expected to marry again and, within the next decade, came close to doing so twice. On both occasions—one contender was an immigration lawyer with an acute case of separation anxiety, the other a compulsively womanizing psychiatrist—I pulled back, unwilling to take the next step. I was afraid of the claustrophobic feeling I associated with being a couple—the way it closes off other romantic options, for one thing (certainly if you’re monogamously inclined, as I am), and, for another, dictates that you go through life two by two, like the animals entering Noah’s ark.

Sometimes it seems to me that the prospect of waking up every morning to the same face seems like too much of a muchness, a condition primed to induce restlessness in all but the most emotionally sedentary of us. Getting tired of one’s partner isn’t all that different, when you think about it, from wearying of one’s own too-familiar self. To be quite candid about it, being identifed as a couple has always made me feel a bit entrapped, like finding yourself inside a room with the door locked from the outside. I understood implicitly what Michael D., one of the patients in Stephen Grosz’s book,The Examined Life, was getting at when he explained that “when I’m in a couple, I feel I’m disappearing, dying—losing my mind.” It may be an exaggeration of my own sentiments, but not by much.

And, indeed, who among us hasn’t experienced on occasion the smug, airless “we”-ness of couples, the enforced common ground of their thinking: “We love Verdi,” or “We’ve never gone for Indian food”? Of course, you could argue that this commitment to an unchanging dual identity is a small price to pay for feeling less alone in the world. No matter that it takes a certain degree of clear- eyed, bottom-line calculating to become a couple in the frst place, a cumulative (albeit largely unconscious) assessment that there is no one better for you out there. Or that if there is, the chances are small that you will discover each other— and now is an improvement over never.

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Beautiful Words For Love (No Direct English Translation)

by zfortadminin LOVE

Perfect for when English fails you.

When we try to express how we feel for a spouse or loved one, sometimes the English language just comes up short.

Thanks to London-based illustrator Emma Block and the diamond company Vashi, we now have an illustrated dictionary of words for love from around the world that have no English equivalent.

Block told HuffPost her favorite word in the series is the Welsh word  “Cwtch.”

“It’s a lovely word. It means a hug/a safe place provided by a loved one,” she said. “I have no idea how to pronounce it though!”

Check even more words out below (and good luck pronouncing them!).

  • VASHI/EMMA BLOCK
  • VASHI/EMMA BLOCK
  • VASHI/EMMA BLOCK
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Transforming Anger into Trust, Love and Turn-on

by John Winelandin Mind, RELATIONSHIPS

I work with a number of men who struggle with their woman’s anger. I am certainly not immune :-). My girl can be downright nasty when she feels I am “misbehaving” and I have found over the years, the need to develop a special set of skills and a whole new attitude to her anger. The primary problem is that men tend to want to avoid anger and resentment like the plague. So when our partners are in a mood, the general response is either attack or avoid. Neither create much love or trust. Sound familiar?

There is another way…well….two ways I have found that work beautifully and can actually create intimacy and relaxation where there was rancor only moments ago. The most artful approach is to use humor, physicality, play and sexual energy to overcome her mood. That might look like kissing her madly until she giggles, to saying “God damn you are hot when you are furious at me” to throwing her over your shoulder and saying, I love it when you are so bratty. The concept is to lean in to her anger with love, like you are encountering a tropical rainstorm. Breath it in. Enjoy it! Allow it to nourish you.

The second method involves a beautiful dialogue techniques that requires more skills and patience. The most important element in this work is the commitment that you will not make her wrong for whatever she is feeling. Her feelings, all of them, are welcome and even appreciated. This is a massive difference to what most women experience in the world and it opens a whole new realm of deep relating possibilities, including better sex, when it is embraced. Let’s face it. Your lover is suffering when she is angry most of the time and creating a container where anything she feels is safe is incredibly liberating and healing for her.

3 STEPS TO TRANSFORMING A WOMAN’S ANGER INTO DEEP TRUST AND LOVE!

Again, most men have the knee jerk reaction of resisting anger and will go to great lengths to do so. But if you go with the flow you can actually, instantly turn your interaction into a playful, passionate moment where you maintain your masculinity while she can own her emotions and really trust she can’t do anything you can’t handle. I dive into this practice Transforming Anger into Deep Trust and Love explaining this entire concept. Here are the three basic steps:

1. Get aware (this requires a certain level of courage, generosity, meditative concentration…. And frankly, just the ability to feel into your partner) when something is brewing under the surface, and instead of avoiding it, let it happen.

2. Then allow your partner free rein to say what they need to say. Periodically you are going to stop them and repeat back, word for word, what you are hearing as much as possible. And then when she is done and you say, “Is there any more?” she’ll say, “No.” And the very first thing you want to say is, “That makes sense. I understand why that would bother you. I understand why you would be mad. It makes sense that you are mad.” The words: That makes sense, are key to whole process… those three words validate her entire experience and make her feel seen, accepted and loved!

3. And finally, the third piece (which is the hardest piece for a lot of men, a lot of people in general in fact) is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and empathize with what she is feeling. I know, this is especially hard if they are mad at you! It’s important to know you do not have to agree with her, all you have to do is be able to see how it makes sense from her perspective given her history and shared experience. As you learn to really try your best to put yourself in your partner’s shoes you will actually start to feel like their experience is more important than yours. It’s a really deep and beautiful spiritual practice when you can say, “All right, how you are feeling about this is more important to me now than whether I agree with it or not.”

Surprising Definition of LOVE

by zfortadminin LOVE

It feels so good to say and to hear the words “I love you,” but what do they really mean?

In order to talk about what makes a relationship successful, it is crucial to have a working definition of love. This is something you can remind yourself, and each other, of during the inevitable ebb and flow of any long term relationship. Defining love is not an easy task. Poets, philosophers, neuroscientists, therapists and just about everyone else have tirelessly tried to answer this question. Our working definition of love comes from what we have seen work for the couples in our practice as sex and intimacy therapists.

Of all of the couples we see in our practice, the couples who have the most successful relationships know, or learn, that intimacy grows and is sustained not just in moments of connection, but in moments of tension. Moments of connection, such as touching, looking at one another, having an enjoyable shared experience, talking or having sex are all part of the glue that keeps relationships together. Likewise, moments of tension including differing desires, disagreements, misunderstandings, hurt feelings and anger, if done well, can also be part of the glue that holds your relationship together. When you come to conflict with the intention of sharing difficult feelings and deepening empathy and understanding of one another, and you learn to repair breaks in connection, you begin to build a sense of trust for one another that you can make it through challenges. Since every relationship has tension, knowing that you can make it through challenging moments is also part of the glue that holds relationships together. Doing both connection and tension well are essential to sustainable love.

Most relationships start out with a feeling of attraction and then move into two somewhat distinct phases. The first is the experience of falling in love (the “honeymoon period”), and the second is the experience of long-term loving. Not every relationship moves from the first phase into the second, and the ones that do so successfully are able to experience a love that is not narrowly defined. In our upcoming book, Making Love Real, we explore what love means. Articulating what we mean by love helps us to understand why we choose the people we choose to love (even when it does not feel like a choice). In this blog series we will explore why we love who we love and how to sustain it.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Where to Find the Ultimate Man-Who Owns Their Stuff

by BigScaryDuckin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Sexy Conscious Awake MEN: Who We Are, What We Want and Need From Women

Do you ever wonder if the kind of man you dream about actually exists or if he’s a figment of your imagination?

For those of you who have never met him, of course you do!

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Modern men have made the men in romance novels and fairy tales look like urban legends.

Most men, strongly, believe that women want men to be more like women, while most women cringe at the idea of dating a man that acts like the female in the relationship.

Truth be told: most women think they want the Ultimate Man.

A man who can protect and provide. A man who is masculine but not macho, open, confidant, humorous, amazing in bed, great at fixing shit, thoughtful, respectful and loving.

It’s as if the Ultimate Man is the answer to most women’s dissatisfaction with dating fragmented men. (Men who have pieces of what women want and a whole hell of a lot of what women don’t want).

If it’s true that most women are looking for the Ultimate Man, where the fuck are these amazing men?

Do they actually exist? Are they who we want them to be or think they are? Or are most women living in la-la land about what is and isn’t real?

Where Are The Men You Are Looking For and Who Are They?

The kind of men most women are looking for are the stuff of fantasies.

Let’s face it, even the most amazing men are flawed. All men, no matter how evolved: fart, burp, stink, have bad breath at times, forget shit, don’t know how to read minds, and will get old and have saggy balls one day.

For all you ladies looking for Edward Cullen or Christian Grey, vegetarian vampires don’t exist, and bondage is way sexier in fiction.

At some point women need to step away from the fantasy of men and come back down to reality where the real men you are looking for exist.

The kind of men you are looking for are: Sexy-Consciously Awake Men.

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Sexy-Consciously Awake Men can grow lasting and healthy relationships with women.

These men stand out from the rest in two very key ways:

  1. Their great capacity to LOVE women for all that they are;
  2. Their level of personal accountability (they own their shit, they are capable and they show up).

Consciously Awake Men aren’t concerned with titles, labels, or ways people define them. They know who they are. They live for the truth. They live in certainty and can navigate the unknown with a sense of curiosity instead of fear. They make decisions from clarity. They’re self-assured, confident, and don’t need to protect their image.Their actions speak for themselves.

“What you feel at the core of a conscious man is that he’s found something worth fighting for, even dying for. He has faced death – death to self, death to desire and death to all forms of ego gratification. The paradox is that losing his fear of death is what creates a man’s ability to be completely open to love.” Graham R White

We can practically hear you ladies shouting: “yes, Yes, YES!”

Of course you are looking for this kind of man. We don’t want to burst your bubble, but we also don’t want to lie to you. So, while the thought of being with a man that has a deep love for women might make you reminiscent of Prince Charming, Consciously Awake Men are not your knights in shining armor. And they’re definitely not coming to save you. They won’t hunt you down and chase you to prove something to you. This is not to say they won’t try. Men like this will put in more effort than you have ever known, but you have to reciprocate or else what is the point?

These men are not interested in offering a princess a fairy tale. These men are waiting for their Queen to appear so that they can welcome her into their kingdom. Do you feel the difference?

These men want an equal-not a girl who needs saving.

It’s because of this that life with one of these men forces you to grow in ways you never knew you could. These men are MIRRORS. They won’t take on what isn’t theirs. This means your insecurities and trust issues are yours, not his. He’s different in that he won’t run away. He’ll hold space for you. He’ll dive into the fire with you. He’s not scared. But you can’t be either. Or you won’t last.

Dealing with your shit, confronting your shadows, your suffering, your fears, your pain; that’s no small task, BUT HE’S DEALT WITH HIS AND WILL CHOOSE A WOMAN WHO’S DEALT WITH HERS.

But it’s the only way we-as humans-will ever fully experience the magnificence of unconditional love.

So, ladies, if you want a man of this caliber you’d better put on your mud wrestling suit, darling. Things are gonna get dirty.

What Do Sexy-Consciously Awake Men Want From Women?

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Consciously Awake men want women who, first and foremost, know themselves. These women are drop dead sexy. It doesn’t matter if they’re dramatic or high maintenance.

The Consciously Awake MAN loves women for all that they are. He rides the waves of emotion, loving it. But these same men cannot and will not be with women whose first inclination is to seek out a man and hide behind him. They don’t want to fill your emotional gaps. They’ll walk away. The Consciously Awake Man doesn’t seek relationships to hide out or to lose himself in. He looks for a relationship to connect on the most intimate levels imaginable. He looks for a relationship to take him to places he can’t go on his own.

“Sexy-Consciously Awake Men are everywhere, most of you just can’t see us. We are mirrors. Without full acceptance of who you are, as you are, in your entirety, you will never see us. In the reflection we provide you will see yourself fully. In order to see us you must be able to see beyond yourself and your emotions. If you feel good, we’ll amplify that and if you feel bad, our presence will amplify that too. If you can’t embrace that and thank us for it you’re not ready to have us in your life. We hold the entire planet in our hearts and that means that we can handle you and your emotions, the question is can you?” Paul Cooper

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In other words, to be with a Sexy-Consciously Awake Men you MUST:

1) Love yourself. Fully. Completely. Unequivocally.

(Meaning, don’t try so hard to be someone you are not. Everyone is imperfect and flawed, but you are one of a kind, and what you have to offer no one else does. If you don’t love every square inch of you, how can you ever expect someone to love all of you, if you don’t?)

2) True love requires you to know your worth. Insecurities are fine. Own them. Making your problems about your man is unhealthy. You cannot stand in your love if you are sinking in fear.

(Meaning, don’t project your bullshit. Own your experience and stop looking to someone else when you don’t want to take responsibility.)

3) Loneliness is not a good start to getting into a relationship. You need to be a 100% YES (do you hear us, not a partial yes, 100%) on your own. A 100% YES doesn’t mean “happily ever after with 2.2 kids and a white picket fence.” In other words: This relationship serves my highest good. This relationship facilitates my growth. This relationship is built on trust and respect, not dysfunction and co-dependency.

(Meaning, relationship is about evolving and growing. It is about staying present and engaged. If you need someone to be something for you, you are in relationship to escape accountability and that house of cards will come crashing down. There’s nothing worse than your reality dismantling, because your relationship is an illusion.)

Who Are The Kind of Women Sexy-Consciously Awake Men Desire?

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There are women an Evolved man simply passes over. There are women who he engages, maybe for the night. There are women he connects with for a season, and then there is one remarkable woman that he chooses who is ideally suited to him for the journey.

~The Woman He Passes Over:

  1. She lies to avoid being embarrassed.
  2. She creates drama rather than owning her own truth.
  3. She uses deception and plays games.
  4. She’s negative, jealous and petty.
  5. She makes life up because she’s not proud of who she is.
  6. She projects her fear and issues onto everyone else.
  7. She attacks when she’s feeling vulnerable or unloved.
  8. Her need to ‘know’ outweighs his right to privacy.
  9. Her position changes depending on the argument.
  10. She’s looking to be rescued but won’t save herself.

~The Woman He Engages For An Evening:

  1. She keeps her attitude in check, unless someone provokes her.
  2. She looks after herself, except when it’s inconvenient.
  3. She’s close to family and friends, but they’re a lot of drama.
  4. She has high standards for a man – higher than for herself.
  5. She’s a whole lot of fun – but very little substance.
  6. She’ll drop everything to help a friend – and expect a man to drop everything for her.
  7. She willingly takes him into her body, but her heart is closed.
  8. She’s a woman who has enjoyed the world – but knows very little about it.
  9. She knows there’s something deeper, but hasn’t pursued it.
  10. She wants to know she makes a difference, but she’s afraid to make a change.

~The Women He Takes For A Season:

  1. She knows what she wants, and she’s making it happen.
  2. She’s responsible for herself and any children she has.
  3. She’s made a commitment to look after herself and it shows.
  4. She’s close to family, except the dramatic ones who she avoids.
  5. She has high standards for herself, her friends and men.
  6. She has good friends who support her and also give her space.
  7. Her body and her heart are ready to meet his.
  8. Her life demonstrates she’s aware she’s part of something larger.
  9. She takes on life with purpose and intention.
  10. Who she is makes a difference and people tell her so.

~The Women He Partners With For The Journey:

  1. Her standards are clear and she refuses to settle.
  2. Her family, friends and community turn to her for wisdom.
  3. She makes looking put together effortless, even if she’s busy.
  4. She sets clear boundaries and not even family will cross them.
  5. She is the standard that others look to for inspiration.
  6. She has the kind of friends that few have intimate access to.
  7. Her body, heart and soul are open to exquisite partnership.
  8. She has taken on the responsibility of leadership.
  9. Her purpose is clear and her intention creates ripples of change.
  10. Who she is creates an ideal synergy in partnership with one very particular magnificent man.

Graham R White

Women: If you REALLY want to know what MEN want from you, you need to take a seriously long look at the things men reflect to you, because you are the one sabotaging your love and the only way you are going to get the kind of man you think you want is if you literally understand why you behave like this and then STOP doing the things that keep men like this from you.

What Sexy Consciously Awake Men Need to Commit?

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When these men are ready to join forces with a woman, they look for women who have integrity. You need to do what you say and say what you do. You need to not be confused about major things in your life and know what you seek. You cannot be the kind of woman that sits on the fence. We want action and passion. We refuse to collect cobwebs waiting around for life to make your decisions for you.

Being Consciously Awake means practicing self-awareness, keeping high standards for yourself and for your life, and playing in the fires of your soul. When we do that, as men and women, we want our partners to be on the same path. Otherwise, we end up being a therapist for our partners, missing out on the deeply balanced emotional connection we crave from our significant other. And as far as men are concerned, we get it, ladies. You want and crave a remarkable man. But we want to know, are you the type of woman a remarkable man is looking for?

So, Women, If You Are The Kind Of Woman Who Is Looking For A Man To:

  1. Save you
  2. Rescue you from being alone, so you can hide out in relationship
  3. Give you everything in life without you having to work for it
  4. Looking for a fairy tale
  5. Make you feel better about yourself than you actually feel about yourself

If any of these ring true—then you are not looking for a remarkable man. Frankly, you don’t deserve him. But-more than anything-you’re trying to ESCAPE. And as long as you are trying to escape the responsibility you have for your own emotional well-being, and happiness, you will find disappointment in men at every turn.

If you’re looking for a Sexy-Consciously Awake Man to be your true love, the power lies in your hands. You may want to give away that power. These men want you to own your power. Seriously. STOP giving away your power, women. You have the power to create KINGS in men.

What does this look like in action?

It means you stop lying to men and yourselves. If you feel something, feel it and speak your truth. Don’t hide. Don’t run. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable, knowing you can grow. Don’t allow our bullshit to disconnect you from what you know to be true in your heart. Don’t be afraid for the relationship to end.

Remember: live in reality and cut the bullshit. Allowing yourself to succumb to fear kills your hopes, dreams, romances, and possibilities.

Know your worth.

These men will tell you’re beautiful in a way you’ve never known. These men will put their energy into you. You will feel it in their touch, in their presence, and how valued you feel. But this takes you deeper in love with yourself than you already are. These men aren’t here to make you feel worthy. They’re here BECAUSE you’re worthy.

Love these men.

FULLY. Even if it scares the living shit out of you. That means holding us to a higher standard when we aren’t showing up. Call them to be bigger than they are. They need your support. This is also unconditional love.

But it’s met on the other side with a deep respect. Don’t call them out because you want to put them down. Call them out because you want them to be even more magnificent than they already are.

If you can do this for yourself, you’ll have won their hearts.

XO, Sam Hershberger and Kelly Marceau with excerpts from Graham White of (What Evolved Women Want) and Paul Cooper of (IAMPAULCOOPER).

Much love to Graham, Sam and Paul, and all that you contributed to make this article come into existence. It would not be what it is without you. I LOVE and RESPECT all of you.

If some of you ladies read this and you want to find this caliber of man and you don’t know how or you don’t know how to become the kind of women a man like this would want contact me. I can help you bridge the gap.

Note to the reader: I am now providing services for women and men who want to live awakened lives. I am offering this due to the heavy demand of my fan base to go beyond writing into something much deeper. If you feel that you are constantly repeating patterns and never getting exactly what you want from life or your intimate relationships I have formed a team dedicated to showing you the truth of who you are, so you can embody your truth and lead a powerful existence. YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO WASTE. YOUR LIFE IS PRECIOUS. Your hopes and dreams matter. My WORK WITH ME page is under construction, so if you want to work with me and the team CLICK THIS LINK for more info on what we do and why. We are here for you, if you are willing to show up for yourself.

the-team-kellys-site

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Get Even Closer Together Doing Good During the Holidays

by zfortadminin LOVE

The reason why Christmas is a national holiday, whether you celebrate it or not, is because it symbolically represents the season of giving. Many of the other religious holidays in December including Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are the same way.

Personally, I’m a giver. It’s more fun for me to figure out unique ways to bless someone with a gift than it is to think about what I’m going to receive from other people. Don’t get me wrong. I still act like a little kid on Christmas morning when my wife gets me the gadget I’ve been salivating over the entire year. But, I really enjoy giving to others. It’s a huge motivator and it helps puts life into perspective for me.

I’m sure you hear this all of the time, but think about giving back to the community, especially during the holiday season. Even if you read this article after Christmas or even during the Spring or Summer, it’s never too late. You can be generous any time of the year. In fact, you might put even bigger smiles on people’s faces because you showed generosity during a time when they least expected it.

Here are 4 creative ideas you can use to give back this holiday season.

1. Anonymous Giving

Giving anonymously is great because the recipients won’t know who the gift came from. As a result, they won’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of needing help. If you really want to make someone’s day, seek out that single mother who busts her butt to provide for her kids or that struggling family that works hard but can’t seem to get ahead. Buy a $50 to $75 toy for each kid and a grocery store gift card for a Christmas dinner. If you have a coworker in mind, get to your office or workplace a little early and deliver it anonymously to their desk or locker.

2. Over Tipping

You probably have people in your life who you see regularly throughout the year such as hair stylists, mailmen, dry cleaners, restaurant servers, and garbage men. Some of these people expect tips and some don’t, but during the holidays especially, you can put a smile on their faces by giving them a big tip to show your appreciation. There’s nothing better for people in the service industry than to get a big fat tip.

3. Give Away Your Christmas Decorations

After the holidays, give away your Christmas decorations to your neighbors and other young couples that don’t have much. After all, if you’ve been married for more than a few years, you start realizing how quickly you accumulate Christmas decorations. Decorations are expensive, and you could bless other families by giving yours away and starting fresh the following year.

4. Take a Homeless Person To Lunch

The majority of homeless people I’ve come across are either mentally ill or just had a tough break in life and don’t know how to turn things around. However, interacting with homeless people can be a wildcard at times, not knowing if they’re going to try and hurt you or be cool. Be sure to take precautions if you do choose to try this tip out. The idea is to get together with a few other people, find a homeless man (or woman), take him out to lunch around the holidays, give him a gift card to a hotel to use for a night’s stay, and buy him a new outfit. You’d be surprised at how receptive they’ll be. They’re not all just looking for booze money.

Seriously, try giving if you haven’t already. If nothing else, it’s pretty fun, and the more creative you get with it, the more memorable it becomes. Also, the more you give back, the more blessings you end up receiving because your eyes are opened to all of the good things you have in your life.

How are you giving this holiday season?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Self-Love or Narcissism: Am I Being Selfish?

by zfortadminin LOVE

What does it mean to love yourself?

In our fast paced world, it can be easy to neglect the thing that matters most–ourselves. Between family, work, school, bills, appointments, and a million other things, our focus is divided among a lot of stressors. To call attention back to what’s important, I recently wrote an article called The One Nutrient That Is Missing in Nearly Every Diet. That magical nutrient I described in the article was self-love.

As soon as the article was posted, I found my words being disputed by a frenzy of naysayers. A lot of people claimed that good health does not include self-love and others said that there is already too much self-love in our society. Worst of all though, many people believe this supposed abundance of self-love has led society to become narcissistic.

In pursuit of the truth, I decided to explore these concepts more deeply and get the lowdown on the differences between narcissism and self-love, and whether or not self-love is a crucial part of health.

To get some clarification about the psychological development of narcissism, I sought out the professional insight of Dr. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic. Dr. Chamorro-Premuzic is CEO of Hogan Assessment Systems and a Professor of Business Psychology at both University College, London and Columbia University. He defines a narcissist as “someone who is self-obsessed, holds unrealistically high self-views, and craves others’ attention and admiration.” The doctor went on to explain to me how narcissism deprives people of their emotional health. “They typically have a high need for approval and are entitled and self-centered. And while they may seem superficially charming, they are actually very cold and lack empathy.”

In a culture that places so much meaning and value on physical appearance and wealth, it’s easy to mistaken self-love for narcissism. But by definition, narcissism is an excess and that excess leads to an unhealthy self-absorption. It leads people on a never-ending quest for fulfillment which can’t be found through vanity or greed. Rather, fulfillment should come from a place of peace and gratitude. The same place in which self-love comes from.

Loving yourself means appreciating yourself for who you are as a person. It’s the ability to see yourself from an internal place rather than basing your worth on exterior value. Self-love is about knowing the deep depths of yourself, being grateful for exactly who you are and who you aren’t. Self-love is also being able to take criticism constructively and use it to better yourself rather than blame your shortcomings on others. When you love yourself, it is easy to take responsibility for yourself.

Licensed therapist and coach Melody Wilding says that “having a sense of self-esteem is important and critical. It means you honor your own emotional and physical needs and that you take care of yourself, and through doing that develop a capacity to practice an ability to love others. Narcissists, on the other hand, never develop that capability. They may have not had their emotions validated as a child or were emotionally abandoned in some way, so they don’t develop the capacity to sense the emotions of others.”

Narcissism steals a person’s ability to love themselves. Although you might assume that entitled and selfish people love themselves too much, a narcissistic person is an unfulfilled person. A person who feels like they need to take everything for themselves doesn’t have what they actually need. But a person who is full of self-love is satisfied and content. Not greedy. They can give love because they have love.

To get a deeper understanding of how narcissism can affect a person’s daily life, I went to Robert Weiss, senior Vice President of clinical development at Elements Behavioral Health. Mr. Weiss illustrated to me that “a typical narcissist can, and will, spend hours upon hours perfecting and toiling over a work project to get it just right. The narcissist’s ultimate goal is to impress and win admiration from others, meaning that all their hard work isn’t really related to doing a good job and feeling good about it, but more connected to their fantasy of all the kudos they will get when the work ultimately gets turned in. People who practice self-love simply recognize their need to take a break, relax, refuel, maybe exercise or rest and most importantly, to foster the deeper connections in their life. Thus, healthy people automatically self-nurture while also keeping a close eye toward maintaining and fostering important relationships and connections. Narcissists, on the other hand, lack a healthy sense of self-love and will work themselves to the bone for external validation, while actively dismissing anyone and anything that gets in the way of their achieving the desired reward.”

Self-love allows people to more deeply connect with others and the world around them. It fosters emotional, psychological, and physical health. If we cannot appreciate the depths of ourselves through self-love, we certainly cannot appreciate the depth of beauty of in the people or world around us. Self-love, unlike narcissism, is not about vanity. Instead, it’s about vitality. Loving yourself is getting to the internal core of your human existence and finding that sweet spot where you can be yourself and be happy with who you are. Self-love is a constant journey towards fulfillment while narcissism hollows you out.

Just like on an airplane when the attendants say you must put your own oxygen mask on before you help others, it’s kind of the same thing with self-love. The more you embrace self-love and carry the empathy that comes along with it, the more aware you become of both yourself and others. The more comfortable you become within yourself, the less it is about you and more about the good of everyone around you. When we love ourselves, we naturally build an environment of love. When we love ourselves, we build harmony.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Do You Deserve in Love in 2016?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

I recently left a relationship that I was not happy in. Although my ex was definitely an unconditional lover, it painfully bothered me that the man I loved was not taking care of his responsibilities.

Since I’ve entered my twenties, I’ve been looking for more than just a good time; I need a stable partner who will be able to meet our shared expenses and obligations in the future. So, I was faced with the crucial, inevitable decision of calling it quits.

I cried the first few nights, but every night after was a learning experience. I realized that no matter how much he loved me, I needed more from the relationship than he could give.

While I was still in it, he kept telling me that I made the entire relationship about me, saying, “You are only worried about your happiness. What about mine?”

Although he was right about his happiness being important, I realized something: my happiness is just as important, and I cannot—and should not have to—sacrifice mine for his.

Half of a couple can’t be happy while the other half is miserable. If neither is happy, then the relationship is already over.

A few weeks after the big break, I began asking myself what I wanted out of a relationship. Who am I? What do I need?

I wrote down a list of my nice-to-haves and my non-negotiables. This allowed me to see my past relationship for what it was: not what I really wanted. And thus, I experienced little pain and was able to move on gracefully.

Don’t get me wrong, I felt incredibly terrible for breaking his heart. I have always been the one to break things off, but I wasn’t so sure if I ever broke a guy’s heart until the day I broke his.

But I had to learn to forgive myself because I knew the relationship wouldn’t last. And it was better to break his heart now than to stay in it for far too long and inescapably break it later.

He eventually told me I was his only source of happiness, but just as you shouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness, you shouldn’t be responsible for another’s happiness either.

Happiness should come from within. If you have it before you enter the relationship, once ties are severed and the mourning phase is over, you will surely have it again.

The greatest lesson I learned is that you have to know what you want before the relationship starts.

When people say, “I don’t know what I want, but when I see it, I’ll know,” they are usually the ones who stick around in a relationship longer than necessary because they weren’t sure of what they wanted from the beginning. This causes unnecessary trial and error and a lot more pain.

It doesn’t take long to ask yourself what it is you desire and write it down. You may not know for certain right away, but you should at least have a rough idea. Getting to know yourself better can help with this.

Dating can also help refine your list, but making a serious commitment before really understanding your requirements in a relationship can be detrimental.

Typically when we go into a relationship without truly understanding our requirements, we end up trying to change our partner, which never ends well.

A loving relationship is meant to be the reward of knowing what you wanted and receiving it. Getting into a relationship in order to figure out what you want is backwards.

Ask yourself what it is you appreciate in a partner. What will cause you to write off a potential partner (perhaps not having the same goals and dreams)? This is important because if we don’t determine what we will and will not accept, we end up accepting anything.

But even more importantly, don’t forget about yourself. Get to know your own personal likes and dislikes. This is the one time where everything can be about what you want.

When we’re in a relationship, we’re always so busy trying to learn about another person’s wants, needs, goals, and aspirations that we oftentimes forget about our own.

During this time you don’t have to ask anyone for affirmation. All of your decisions are your own. No one can tell you who to be.

And while in a relationship, you still have to remember that you complete yourself. The man or woman you’re with does not define who you are, and you do not need him or her to be complete. Your self-esteem should not begin or end with how that person feels about you.

Be willing to give the person you love the shirt off your back, but your self-worth? Never give them that.

You have to honestly know that you will be happy with or without them. This little piece of knowledge makes it easier for you to leave a relationship that causes you anguish, and find one that better serves you.

That’s not to say that relationships are perfect and no one will ever hurt you; that’s certainly not the case. Every person will come with his or her own flaws, and every relationship will require a little work. You just have to know what you’re willing to work through and what you’re not.

Some words of advice my wise mother once gave me: you are the prize. How big of a prize you’re worth winning is defined by how much you love and respect yourself. You determine how much you are worth. Nobody else.

Sometimes love can turn into a battle that we want to win but can’t. Many relationships aren’t meant to be. That doesn’t make it your fault, and it doesn’t make it the other person’s fault; it just makes it life.

Whatever the case, you should never sacrifice your dignity at the expense of a futile relationship.

As for me, I couldn’t wait for him to be who I needed him to be. And I couldn’t change him either. I had to do what was best for me and for him as well.

If it were meant to be, it would’ve been right from the beginning.

I just have to go out into the world and find someone who better suits me. In the meantime, I am discovering a lot about myself, things I would’ve probably never known otherwise.

You must never get so caught up in your other half’s happiness that you forget about your own, and what matters most to you.

By the time I get into my next relationship, I will have better clarity of what I want and what I need.

But for right now, I am the love of my life. I am hoping that eventually I can share my love and happiness with another being, and he can share his with me.

Romance does not only consist of loving another, but also finding it easy to love oneself in the process. And I have to remind myself to never lose sight of that self-love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Your LOVE LIFE —20 Ways to Make it Better

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Start improving your love life now with these 20 romantic resolutions and love tips.

Romantic resolutions

Ways to improve your love life

Romantic resolutionsCommit to date night.

Set a date night once a month. It doesn’t have to be expensive — just some special time with your partner.

Romantic resolutionsWrite him a love note.

Love notes and cards aren’t just for Valentine’s Day. Give him a “just because” love note. It can be sweet and romantic, or sexy and racy. Leave it taped on the bathroom mirror or on the refrigerator so he’ll find it in the morning.

Romantic resolutionsLearn something new for the bedroom.

Is your sex life a little stale? Read a book on Kama Sutra or learn a special sexual technique to try out with your partner. If you are looking for a new position, check out SexInfo101.com’s Sex Position Guide with over 100 3D animated sex positions.

Romantic resolutionsTake up a new hobby together.

Enroll in a cooking course, take a dancing class, learn how to ski — whatever you do, do it together. Taking up a new hobby can get you excited about life and your partner.

Romantic resolutionsMake a scrapbook.

If you forget what even brought you together some days, it’s time to make a scrapbook or photo album and reminisce about your time as a couple. Online albums are great, but nothing beats a good old-fashioned scrapbook. Work on the project together, using photos, ticket stubs, your wedding program and anything else you have that reminds you of special events in your life.

Romantic resolutionsTell him what turns you on.

Instead of being bored in the bedroom, tell him what turns you on. If you want to be satisfied when it comes to sex, you can’t be shy. Let him know what you like (and don’t like), and encourage him to do the same.

Romantic resolutionsGet away for the weekend.

You don’t need a holiday as an excuse for a weekend together. Rent a cabin in the mountains or a room at a spa resort. Even if you don’t go out of town, the change of scenery at a hotel or bed-and-breakfast can give your relationship a romantic boost.

Romantic resolutionsSchedule sex.

Work, kids and other obligations can leave very little time for sex. So, put it on your calendar. On the first of the month, schedule sex appointments with your husband for the entire month. Do your best to keep every appointment.

Romantic resolutionsStay fit & healthy.

What would a resolution list be without mentioning health and fitness? Instead of committing to losing X number of pounds, commit to staying fit and healthy. If you haven’t had a checkup lately, schedule it today. Work out and shop for healthy foods together. Being fit and healthy will make you feel better about yourself — and improve your sex life.

Romantic resolutionsPlan your future.

Instead of drifting through life, sit down with your partner and plan your future. What goals do you want to achieve? Whether you are planning to buy a house, purchase a new car or save for a dream vacation, make a budget and game plan, then stick to it together.

Start improving your love life now with these 20 romantic resolutions and love tips.

Romantic resolutions

Romantic resolutionsTake your TV out of the bedroom.

Spending time in front of the TV keeps your attention off each other. Remove the television from your bedroom to open up free time to reconnect with your spouse without the distraction of Fox News, ESPN or Family Guy.

Romantic resolutionsDo something nice.

Sounds simple enough, right? Small things really matter. Wash his car for him. Pack him a lunch. Bake his favorite dessert. Do something nice for your partner to show your love.

Romantic resolutionsStop being jealous.

Be secure enough in your relationship to know he’s not stepping out on you. Let him have time with the boys without feeling jealous or suspicious. You might find that the less jealous you act, the more time he’ll want to spend at home with you.

Romantic resolutionsLearn more about your husband.

Even if you have been married for decades, you can still learn more about your partner. Check out the book All About Me for couples. It’s filled with thought-provoking questions to capture your relationship in a meaningful yet fun way.

Romantic resolutionsEngage in PDA.

You don’t need to make out in public, but you should certainly show your love. Hold hands, hug, kiss and compliment each other. These little public displays of affection show your spouse that you are proud and happy to be together.

Ways to improve your love life: Single girl

The rest of these resolutions are for those who are single and looking for a healthy, loving relationship.

Romantic resolutionsHave more dinner parties.

Dinner parties are a fantastic way to meet new people. Make it singles only. And for every person you invite, have her bring a single person you don’t know.

Romantic resolutionsRefuse to deal with flakes.

If you meet someone new who doesn’t stack up, break it off. Love yourself enough to reject flakes and jerks.

Romantic resolutionsGet out more.

You can’t meet anyone if you never leave your apartment. This year, commit to getting out more and expanding your horizons. Do volunteer work. Take a class. Go on a singles cruise. Put yourself in the position to meet plenty of new people.

Romantic resolutionsBreak bad habits.

Do you smoke? Stop today. Tend to interrupt people? Become a better listener. Do a self assessment and break bad habits that are unhealthy or annoying.

Romantic resolutionsBe determined to make this the best year of your life.

No matter if you are single or have been married for 20 years, set out to make 2011 your best year yet. Wake up each morning with a fresh attitude. Try to learn something new every day. And treat people (and yourself) with the love and respect they deserve.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Want to Fall Deeper in Love? Take Up These Sex Habits

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

Sex can be, and can be used for, so many different things. But early in a relationship, once you get through a couple of awkward rounds, sex can play a big role in building intimacy and even falling in love.

There is sex that is straight up sex for sex’s sake— passionate, charged, carnal. There’s awkward, first-time with someone you really like sex. There’s random hookup sex. There’s long-term couple trying to spice it up sex. The list goes on—but building intimacy during sex is one we rarely talk about.

Warning: The following sex acts may lead to the awkward “Oh crap one of us said “I love you” during sex— does it count!?” dilemma. Don’t worry. It happens to the best of us. It’s no need to be embarrassed, even if it is really awkward. Just remember you’re not alone. (And the generally consensus seems to be that it doesn’t really count.) Between a really intimate act that you’re doing, heart racing, hormones all over the place, it’s so easy to let it slip out in the moment.

But what are the more intimate sex acts? The ones that can make you feel so connected to your partner and overwhelmed with emotions? Here are 6 sex acts that help build intimacy.

1. Kissing

I know it may seem basic, but don’t discount kissing as a very important sex act. And maybe the most intimate one. Along with cuddling, a lot of people avoid kissing during one-night stands because of this. It’s something we do all the time, but sometimes we can get distracted during sex and not do it as much as we should. But if you stick to positions where kissing is an option, you’ll really feel connected to your partner.

2. Missionary

Maybe because it’s sort of the classic go-to position, there’s definitely something romantic about it. Your faces and your entire bodies are very, very close, and the weight of whoever is on top keeps you in constant contact. And it’s not just for hetero sex. So whoever you are, there can be all the eye contact, kissing, and intimacy you can handle.

3. Oral Sex

Oral sex is intimate no matter what, because you’re getting up close in personal with parts of the body we’re normally taught should be kept hidden. But while every man I’ve ever met unselfconsciously loves a blow job, a lot of women find someone going down on them incredibly intimate— almost intimidatingly so. Maybe it’s because you end up with someone’s tongue basically, or definitely, inside you, or maybe it’s just that we’re taught to be even more ashamed of our vulva and that people don’t like going down on it. (Both of which are ridiculous.) In any case, for a lot of women getting to a point where you’re completely comfortable with oral sex means a whole lot of trust.

4. Undressing

When you’re new in a relationship it’s probably all about tearing each other’s clothes off, but then it slows down. I’m not saying you need some kind of big cheesy striptease, or to make a whole event out of it, but there’s something really sexy and romantic about building up from just a bit of kissing, to heavy kissing, to feeling each other, and then slowly going beneath the clothing and removing them completely. All of that combined with making out can be a really connect you to your partner.

5. Side-By-Side

Similarly to missionary, having sex facing each other, both of you on your side, has the benefit of all over contact and your faces being close for kissing, or just some sickly-sweet staring into each other eyes. But while in missionary, one person is definitely dominant within the position, when you have sex side-by-side there’s a more even playing field. Especially if you’re having lesbian sex and mutually fingering each other, it’s a really leveling, connecting position.

6. Post-Sex Cuddle

If you are a better person than me and lay there without making a horrible awkward joke, it’s when you kind of bask in a little love halo (if you’re having sex with someone you have romantic feelings for). Taking some time to relax into that and just enjoy it is a sure way to build intimacy.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Change Your Context for Love in 2016

by zfortadminin LOVE

Here are just three things you can do that will have an immediate impact on the quality and depth of your relationship…

2016 – a brand new year filled with hope and possibilities. And, resolutions resulting in a rather pronounced uptick in gym memberships, healthy diets, exercise goals and so on. But what about the most important relationship in your life, the one you share with your significant other? It is so interesting that at the beginning of each new year we tend to focus so much on our health and looks, yet you rarely hear about couples resolving to have an even deeper, more fulfilling relationship. I suspect it’s because most don’t know exactly what to “do” to achieve those clearly desirable results.

Well, unlike the exercise and dieting regimes you have to stick to for quite some time before seeing any effects, here are just three things you can do that will have an *immediate* positive impact on the quality and depth of your relationship – sans the sweat and kale…

#1: Change Your Context

How many times have you heard the expression: “She broke my heart!” or something similar? As if the heart can actually be “broken” –think about that for a moment. This is simply a context or belief system that only serves to put fear of abandonment and rejection into the best of relationships. And when you avoid a fear, you are much more likely to experience its manifestation and all the drama that comes with it.

The great thing about contexts is that *none* of them are true. They are merely a lens in which we see our world.

For 2016 consider another, much more empowering context where it is our ego that is fearful of being hurt or broken. And our Heart, as our true essence, can never be hurt or broken, is never needy and loves unconditionally. Within this context your only concern is a trashed ego, rather than the complete decimation of your very soul.

The great thing about contexts is that *none* of them are true. They are merely a lens in which we see our world. However, some contexts are inherently much more empowering than others. Not too long ago I had a 30-something female friend ask me for relationship advice and the conversation went something like this:

HER: “I’m afraid to tell my boyfriend how I really feel about him. What should I do?”

ME: “What are you afraid might happen?”

HER: “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

ME: “What would happen if he didn’t?”

HER: “I’m afraid it might break my heart.”

ME: “If your boyfriend doesn’t feel the same way, what would end up being hurt and devastated – your Heart… or your ego?”

HER: “Huh?”

ME: “What if the true essence of who you are, your Heart, cannot be hurt or broken? What if it is your ego that experiences all the pain and suffering? Within this context, the worst that could happen is that he trashes your ego, but he cannot, in any way, hurt your Heart? The next time you experience hurt or pain in your relationship imagine your Heart watching it serenely from a distance as a slow-motion train wreck that mangles your ego. If you did that, how would you feel?”

HER: “That does take away much of the fear.” she responded.

The next day she called me to say that shift in context made all the difference in the world as she was now able to be vulnerable with him without the fear of devastating pain.

Remember, a context is simply a world view –one that can be adopted *instantly* if you choose. And in so doing with an empowering one, remove much of the fear of loss and drama from your relationship.

#2: Communicate Authentically

Not too long ago I was interviewed on the radio by a female host who happened to be a relationship coach. While waiting to go live we chatted for a bit where she shared how she just entered into a new relationship and started to experience regular orgasms with her new love –something she rarely, if ever had with her previous relationships.

Once we were on the air for a while I decided to turn the interview tables around. So I asked her the following question: “What would happen if you shared with your partner what you really wanted from him in the bedroom?”

And this is where it got interesting. The initial dead-air was palpable as she struggled with her own visceral reaction to that possibility. She then blurted out: “Oh my God! That put me right back into the ‘cave’ with the ‘kids’ thinking he would be so hurt or angry that he may leave us!” Talk about genetic imprinting. Essentially, she was terrified of abandonment if she risked really sharing what worked for her sexually speaking.

And, she’s not along. A British University study shows that about 87% of women vocalize (i.e. “moan”) during intercourse primarily to: a) hurry their man up so he just gets it over with sooner rather than later, and b) to boost his self-esteem.

The problem is that when either party is not being fully authentic in expressing their feelings and desires it will inevitably lead to diminished fulfillment or even breakup.

Ladies, men aren’t mind readers. And when they get hard, their brain stops functioning as all the blood goes to their penis. From their perspective (thanks to porn), hard pounding is what you want and any false encouragement from you will not help matters.

Ladies, men aren’t mind readers. And when they get hard, their brain stops functioning as all the blood goes to their penis.

So for this new year resolve to be authentic with your man about what really works for you (and if necessary, what doesn’t). Of course this goes for men too, however I find that if a man pleases his woman in the way she wants, that becomes his ultimate sensual reward.

Now here’s a tip on how to position this to your man so he doesn’t feel like a loser in bed. You might consider saying something like this (you may want to include subtle batting of eyelashes, a purr in your voice and a smile that melts his heart):

“Sweetheart, I cannot begin to tell you how much I love you and our lovemaking. And I’ve been thinking, how would you like to explore some other ways of pleasing each other that may take us to whole new places?”

Trust me on this one, his eyes will glaze over and his tongue will be hanging out like a happy puppy dog before you even finish the last word. Then be ready to gently coach him so you both experience new heights of pleasure and fulfillment that neither of you ever thought possible.

#3: Insist on Presence Over Performance

Put a sign on your bedroom door that says “Presence”. For 2016 resolve to remove the word “performance” from your lexicon and replace it with “Presence”. Presence is simply being in the moment with full attention, no distractions, goals or agendas. Presence automatically creates a space where you both can fully flourish and share a profoundly deep, fulfilling experience with each other without the stress of trying to “perform”. Both men and women experience sexual performance anxiety, insisting on Presence instantly eliminates it for both.

Establishing Presence in the bedroom is really not that hard and here’s what my partner and I do almost every time we make love. First, you schedule a time when there will be *no* distractions whatsoever for at least an hour or so. You might want to start out by taking a shower together and gently scrubbing each other down (I recommend ladies receive first), but avoid overt sexual contact. Then you might consider giving each other a massage in the areas each of you indicate will relieve most of the stress of the day – again, avoid overt sexual stimulation.

Once you are both fully “warmed up” (especially important for the woman), the man starts to please his woman in the way she wants while holding off his own sexual release. Remember, there are no goals or agendas here –so even if she doesn’t (or chooses not to) experience a climax, respect that and take great pleasure in giving to her selflessly. Then, she will be likely ready to enthusiastically reciprocate in the way you want.

This kind of Presence-based lovemaking can last literally for hours and leave you both more energized when done than when you started.

Instant Rewards

The problem with most resolutions is that they typically take a great deal of effort and time before you realize any noticeable benefits –which is the primary reason why so many give up after only a month or two.

Not so with the ones I shared above. Each one by itself will provide an immediate positive shift in your relationship experience which only reinforces the habit. Do all three and 2016 will be the year that your relationship transformed into one beyond your most cherished dreams.

And that makes for a very Happy New Year…

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Have Scientists Found a Formula for LOVE?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Love in the Age of Big Data

Scientists believe they’ve discovered a simple formula for happy relationships. Reader, I tried it.

The Science Of Love In The 21st Century

science and loveOnce upon a time, in the Pony Expresso cafe in Seattle, a man and a woman began to experience the long-mysterious but increasingly scientifically investigated thing we call love. The first stage is called “limerence.” This is the spine-tingling, heart-twisting, can’t-stop-staring feeling, when it seems as though the world stops whirling and time itself bows down and pauses before the force of your longing. The man, a then-44-year-old University of Washington research psychologist named John Gottman, was drawn to the woman’s wild mane of black curly hair and her creativity: She was an amateur musician and painter as well as a psychologist like himself. The woman, a then-35-year-old named Julie Schwartz, who’d placed a personal ad in the Seattle Weekly that John had answered, was turned on by John’s humble little car—voted the ugliest vehicle in the University of Washington faculty parking lot—and his expansive curiosity. He read physics and math and history and kept a little spiral-bound notebook in his pocket that he used to jot down things his companions said that captivated him.

They talked avidly; it felt as if they’d known each other forever. Over the following months they drew closer and closer, proceeding through subsequent stages of building a fulfilling love relationship. John learned about the unhappy home life growing up in Michigan that had driven Julie to spend so much time in the forest by herself, and Julie learned about John’s desire to understand deeply earth’s biggest mysteries, like the nature of time. Although they were afraid—they’d both been divorced before—they confided their admiration for each other, John’s for the courage Julie showed in her therapy practice by helping the “sickest of the sickest,” schizophrenics and Vietnam veterans on Skid Row, and Julie’s for John’s absurdist sense of humor. They kayaked together. They joined a synagogue. They married and had a daughter, fulfilling one of John’s longtime dreams, and bought a house on a forested island three hours north of Seattle, fulfilling a dream of Julie’s. They fought. They attended couples therapy. Through their conflict they came to love each other more.

Twenty-nine years after that first date, John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman stood on a black stage in a ballroom of the Seattle Sheraton in front of about 250 other couples, young and old, straight and gay. The intense intimacy of their relationship was on full display: They finished each other’s sentences, bantered with each other and talked candidly about how their struggles had made them stronger. Julie wept. John held Julie, caressing her hair. The rest of us, seated in chairs that had been hooked together in sets of twos, watched them with yearning.

We’d come to see the Gottmans because the pair has spent the last 20 years refining a science-based method to build a beautiful love partnership yourself. They reveal it over a two-day, $750-per-pair workshop called “The Art and Science of Love.” “It turns out Tolstoy was wrong,” John told the crowd in an opening lecture. “All happy relationships are similar and all unhappy relationships are also similar. … Is there a secret? It turns out, empirically, yes, there is a secret.”

Over decades, John has observed more than 3,000 couples longitudinally, discovering patterns of argument and subtle behaviors that can predict whether a couple would be happily partnered years later or unhappy or divorced. He has won awards from the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Council of Family Relations and has become the subject of increasing public fascination. He went on Oprah and the “Today” show. A book he co-authored that summarizes his findings, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is a New York Times best-seller.

His work took off because the consistency of his predictions is astonishing. One 1992 experiment found that certain indicators in how couples talked about their relationship could forecast–with 94 percent accuracy–which pairs would stay together. This was magic–a virtually foolproof way of distinguishing toxic partnerships from healthy ones even before the couples knew themselves–but it was also science, so it appealed to our contemporary desire to use empirical data to better our lives. Walk by any newsstand, or trawl the Internet for three minutes, and you’ll find data-driven methods to improve everything we do. “Is This the Ultimate Healthy Meal?” “The Best Workout Ever, According to Science.”

You might expect love to be the last frontier breached by data. It is the Antarctic of the human experience, richly feeding the oceans of our emotions, yet somehow remaining elusive and unknown. Philosophers have argued over it for millennia without arriving at a satisfactory definition. Poets like Erich Fried capture its strange mix of pleasure and pain, the sense of its essential ungovernability: “It is foolish, says caution / It is impossible, says experience / It is what it is, says love.”

I first encountered Gottman’s research last year in an Atlantic article called “Masters of Love.” It went viral; my own friends posted it on Facebook saying, “This is what it comes down to.” Finally, love had been harnessed in the laboratory, seen, understood and broken into building blocks we could all apply to our lives.

The article proposes a recipe for becoming a love “master” instead of a love “disaster” by responding the right way to what Gottman calls your partner’s “bids for connection.” A “bid” is when your lover points out your kitchen window and marvels, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” You could go “Wow!” and get binoculars (an active “turn-towards”); mumble “Huh,” and keep reading your newspaper (a passive reaction, less good); or say, “I’m sick of your fucking birds. What about the broken garage door?” Gottman found that masters turn towards their partners’ bids 87 percent of the time. Love, he concluded, comes down to “a habit of mind.”

And habits of mind take work to instill. Everyone at the workshop was given a kit in a box with a handle. Inside were decks of cards proposing questions to help us learn about our partners (“how are you feeling now about being a mother?”) or offering ways to connect erotically (“when you return home tonight, greet each other with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds”). A manual provided us with a vocabulary to demystify and contain some of the scary things that go on in love: fights are “regrettable incidents,” the things that make us feel good together are our “rituals of connection,” the dark inner chasms that regrettable incidents seem to reveal are our “enduring vulnerabilities.”

One of the Gottmans’ employees, Kendra Han, estimated that a quarter of the couples in attendance were the kind of ickily self-aware duos who try this kind of thing for “fun and enrichment” while the majority were in some state of “relational distress.” The prevailing mood was a mix of hope and fragility. “This is already not going well,” I overheard one woman say, laughing a little. “My husband’s late.”

As I watched the Gottmans from my own seat two rows from the stage, I felt anxious, too. I had come with my own love problem to solve.

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Cuban Love …And Where Are the Babies?

by zfortadminin LOVE

…they will be waiting a long time.

HAVANA — A magnetic energy courses between Claudia Rodriguez and Alejandro Padilla, binding the couple in clichés of intimacy: the tendency to finish each other’s sentences; hands that naturally gravitate toward one another; a shared laughter that forms the soundtrack of their romance.

What their love will not bear, for the moment, is a family. Though they plan to marry and have children, they will wait — until they are no longer sharing a small apartment with a half-dozen others, or perhaps until obtaining diapers and formula is no longer a gamble.

In short, they will be waiting a long time.

“You have to take into consideration the world we live in,” said Ms. Rodriguez, 24, who says she has had two abortions to avoid having children too soon. Clutching Mr. Padilla’s hand, she said, “It would be so much harder with a child.”

By almost any metric, Cuba’s demographics are in dire straits. Since the 1970s, the birthrate has been in free fall, tilting population figures into decline, a problem much more common in rich, industrialized nations, not poor ones.

Claudia Rodriguez and Alejandro Padilla are planning to marry, but they are not certain when they will be able to afford to raise a child. Ms. Rodriguez, 24, said she has had two abortions to avoid having children too soon. Credit Daniel Berehulak for The New York Times
Cuba already has the oldest population in all of Latin America. Experts predict that 50 years from now, Cuba’s population will have fallen by a third. More than 40 percent of the country will be older than 60.

The demographic crisis is both an economic and a political one. The aging population will require a vast health care system, the likes of which the state cannot afford. And without a viable work force, the cycle of flight and wariness about Cuba’s future is even harder to break, despite the country’s halting steps to open itself up to the outside world.

“We are all so excited about the trade and travel that we have overlooked the demographics problem,” said Hazel Denton, a former World Bank economist who has studied Cuban demographics. “This is a significant issue.”

Young people are fleeing the island in big numbers, fearful that warming relations with America will signal the end of a policy that allows Cubans who make it to the United States to naturalize. Until recently, a law prohibited Cubans from taking children out of the country, further discouraging many from having children to avoid the painful choice of leaving them behind.

Those who remain in Cuba say they are also reluctant to have children, citing the strain of raising an infant in a country where the average state salary is just $20 a month.

“At the end of the day, we don’t want to make things more difficult for ourselves,” said Laura Rivera Gonzalez, an architecture student, standing with her husband in central Havana. “Just graduating doesn’t mean that things are resolved. That won’t sustain us.”

Ms. Gonzalez embodies a common feature of the Cuban demographic crisis: As the government educated its people after the revolution, achieving one of the highest literacy rates in the world, its citizens became more cautious about bearing children. Scant job opportunities, a shortage of available goods and a dearth of sufficient housing encouraged Cubans to wait to start a family, sometimes indefinitely.

“Education for women is the button you press when you want to change fertility preferences in developing countries,” said Dr. Denton, who now teaches at Georgetown University. “You educate the woman, then she has choices — she stays longer in school, marries at an older age, has the number of children she wants and uses contraception in a more healthy manner.”

There is another factor that alters the equation in Cuba: Abortion is legal, free and commonly practiced. There is no stigma attached to the procedure, helping to make Cuba’s reported abortion rates among the highest in the world. In many respects, abortion is viewed as another manner of birth control.

In Cuba, women are free to choose as they wish, another legacy of the revolution, which prioritized women’s rights. They speak openly about abortions, and lines at clinics often wrap around the building.

By the numbers, the country exhibits a rate of nearly 30 abortions for every 1,000 women of childbearing age, according to 2010 data compiled by the United Nations. Among countries that permit abortion, only Russia had a higher rate. In the United States, 2011 figures show a rate of about 17.

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