Love Archives - Page 6 of 9

How to Navigate the Grace Period

April 27, 2016January 22, 2024 by Christian Cintronin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Whether you’re hazy about commitment, new to a relationship, or playing the field it’s best to approach this grace period with honesty and mutual respect.

Dating is like buying a house. It may not be a particularly romantic metaphor, but they weren’t lying when they said, “Home is where your heart is.” Real relationships require work and commitment just like purchasing a new home. Before you move into a new house there is an escrow period. Why should your relationship be any different? There is a grace period after you met someone you really like and before you’ve decided to purchase a one-way ferry ticket to Monogamy Island? But how do you navigate this period? How do you talk about the rather tense subject of potentially sleeping with other people? And how do you ultimately know when you’re ready to commit?

Courtship has changed over the past 50 years. There was a simpler time when people got married as virgins, chaperones accompanied people on dates, and doctors endorsed cigarettes. But our sexually liberated times have given rise to people taking control over their sexual wants and needs. That’s great, but that can leave a lot of people with a murky understanding of what’s “normal” in dating. You probably don’t tell someone you’ve just met you’ve been casually seeing a few guys. You probably don’t want to spend your fourth date talking about Julia, your friend with benefits. You may not even want to mention them until you’ve dissolved your benefits agreement. But it’s important to find a balance between honesty and consideration for your and your partner’s feelings.

I personally have been on the receiving end of many an awkward conversation with guys I’ve really liked. “Sorry, I’ve been dating a couple of people and it’s really working out with someone else.” It’s like a gunshot wound to the chest. Here you are picking out china patterns and not only are you no longer in the running for America’s Next Top Partner your “relationship” was a figment of your imagination. That’s a tough, dry pill to swallow but it is a harsh reality for the new arena of dating in a post-Tinder, post-Sex and the City, pre-Apocalypse dating world. People will be dating, sleeping with, and talking to other people and you will need to find a way to navigate that space.

Whether you’re hazy about commitment, new to a relationship, or playing the field it’s best to approach this grace period with honesty and mutual respect. Let’s say you’ve met someone you really like and things are going really well. After a few dates you will want to check in on how you both are feeling. It doesn’t need to be a grandiose conversation about commitment. You will want to clear up if you are casually dating or seriously seeing each other. You may want to ask if they are seeing other people and disclose if you are. It’s also a good time to calmly tease your feelings on monogamy. It will be unclear until you mention it. Finding out your shiny new dance partner is dating a few other people can be a huge shock. So why not temper the surprise by being as honest as you can as early as you can? I have found it’s best to be honest because then you and your partner can approach your relationship as it is rather than how you both want it to be.

As your relationship progresses you’ll want to have periodic check-ins to be clear about how you are both seeing your future together. Do you want to be in a committed relationship, would you prefer a throuple, are you interested in open relationships? These are important conversations you will want to organically come to. You don’t need to push them, force them, or turn them into a huge confrontation. But it’s good to clear the air. Your best bet is a calm, casual four sentence conversation. You ask a question, they answer, you accept what they say, and you move on. This will avoid any needless escalation or discomfort. In my experience it’s good to ask and be as open and diplomatic as possible. If you feel the situation starting to escalate try to just reiterate your commitment and excitement about the relationship. That way you don’t let fear or insecurity needlessly escalate the situation.

Handling these conversations can be tough. It’s easy for these honest moments to unearth a lot of baggage. The key is to be honest, open-minded and respectful. If your partner tells you they have opposing political views you wouldn’t immediately break up so why should you do that if you have different views on sex, relationships and boundaries. Sometimes the biggest hurdle to establishing healthy and happy relationships is our own personal idealized version of a relationship. That great person you are spending time with is a full-fledged human being so entertain their individual beliefs, opinions and experiences. If you have a calm conversation you can understand how the other person sees your relationship and how they see you. Now this doesn’t guarantee a marriage proposal or that you will not break up. But it does guarantee that you’re on an even playing field and having a healthy conversation. It also ensures you are entering into a relationship with the healthiest perspective you can.

There is no right or wrong way to date. There are billions of people on the planet and there’s someone out there for everyone. But you can never go wrong with establishing honest conversations with people you sleep with and date. If you are honest and open during this grace period it will help you establish healthy patterns and develop organic intimacy as your authentic self. That’s better than implying monogamy if you’re not ready or dating a few people. It also allows you to see how well you can communicate, empathize, and handle tense conversations. Even if it doesn’t go well you’ve worked on the key skills to a healthy long-term relationship for next time. Once you’ve done that you’re in a better position to make it work or attract your right match.

Defining Cheating. What Is It to You?

April 28, 2016January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

I found myself getting anxious about a certain app that my partner uses, and spent weeks torturing myself.

Before cell phones, cheating was a series of deliberate actions: secretly flirting (in person), arranging times and places to meet (also in person), and then physically ‘doing the deed’ – definitely in person. But now, in the age of smartphones, is there such a thing as “modern monogamy?”

Back in the day, catching your spouse cheating was a dramatic and devastating event, because it all happened IRL. There were physical and emotional risks involved with cheating, which is why it was – and is – a serious heartbreaker.

Cheating used to have a relatively standard definition, for the majority of traditionally monogamous couples. It’s not so simple, nowadays. Now that Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and various texting apps have become so ingrained in our social lives…what is cheating, really? And what do we do if our partner defines it differently than we do?

At its most basic, cheating involves stepping outside the boundaries of your relationship. For many of us, sexual contact with another person is a definite no-no. But what about sending/receiving sexy photos on Snapchat? Or a romantically emotional affair with a close friend, via text messages? If your boyfriend is following a bunch of flirty, bikini-clad girls on Instagram, could that be considered cheating?

It depends. What is okay for one couple may not be okay for another. Relationships are a ‘choose your own adventure’ story – just don’t wait until the line is crossed to tell your partner where it is.

Because you are reading this article, perhaps you’ve been questioning whether you’ve cheated or been cheated on. The past cannot be changed, but taking a few simple steps can save you a lot of worry in the future. There are a million articles about cheating – how to catch it, how to do it, how to avoid it. Before you go into the ‘how-to,’ it’s probably best to establish the ‘what is.’

Problem: You’re uncomfortable and unsure about the boundaries of your relationship.

Solution: Ask your partner what cheating means for them. It’s that simple.

It can be hard to establish boundaries, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Most of us don’t want to come off as too serious, until we have to. But why wait until something goes wrong? It might not be sexy to talk about boundaries, but it can protect you from a lot of seriously un-sexy situations down the road.

If we find ourselves worried about our partner’s fidelity, it’s tempting to stifle our feelings because we don’t want to appear ‘needy’ or ‘paranoid.’ Unfortunately, suppressing our feelings can result in them manifesting down the line – jealousy, resentment, and insecurity will inevitably hurt you more than your partner. Trust goes both ways, but so does fear. You probably know when your partner is upset about something, even when they’re holding it in. Wouldn’t you rather know what’s the matter, before it gets out of hand?

In order to avoid breaking your partner’s trust (or vice versa), it’s important to establish boundaries early on. And it’s not just about your partner – ask yourself, what does cheating mean, for you? Define it for yourself, and then sit down with your loved one and ask them what they think. Remember – it’s a discussion, not an interrogation. Their definition may be different than yours, and the more you talk about it, the easier it will be to meet in the middle.

This conversation is not meant to “trap” them or force them to adopt your point of view. Talking about your worries (and allowing your loved one to voice theirs) is about loving. The goal is to reinforce mutual trust. Using “I” statements and reminding your partner how much you trust them can make all the difference.

Without trust, there is no love. And that can be difficult when there is no communication. Maybe your partner is just as worried as you are. Talking about boundaries can actually be a very freeing experience for both of you.

I recently had this conversation with my partner, and I am so glad I did. I found myself getting anxious about a certain app that my partner uses, and spent weeks torturing myself with negative self-talk and paranoid imaginings. I didn’t want to come off as jealous, so I did nothing. As a result, I caused my partner a lot of undue worry because I was acting so strangely. When I finally sat down with him to talk about the app, I was overwhelmed by how validating it was.

For me, cheating means purposely breaking a partner’s trust. Now that my spouse and I have consciously established what this means for us, I am even more confident that I don’t have to worry about it.

Being honest about your feelings is infinitely safer than acting on assumptions. Your partner most likely has their own set of rules based on their background. It may be completely different than yours, and that doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.

So what is “cheating,” for you? How have cell phones and social media changed the way you view monogamy? Share your thoughts in the comments, below. The more we learn about ourselves, the more we learn about each other.

7 Steps for Loving Someone With a Mental Illness

June 8, 2016January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin LOVE

Are you constantly worried about your partner’s mental illness? Are you afraid that things will never get better?

The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness this year. 1 in 17 people continue to live with chronic mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression. The chances are pretty high that you will fall in love with someone who suffers from a mental illness or mood disorder. It’s also extremely likely that you’ll both find unexpected obstacles on the road to happy endings. No love story is complete without a few bumps in the road, but mental illnesses can throw a lot of unexpected hurdles into the mix.

That said, I’m here to deliver good news.

Your relationship is not doomed. The very fact that you’re reading this article is a sign that you care deeply about your partner, and that is immensely valuable. You are taking time to do your research. That’s important. The more you know about mental illness, the better off you’ll be in overcoming it together.

More good news:

If your partner suffers from a mood disorder or mental illness, this does not make them weak. Behind every “I’m fine” lives a special kind of strength that’s not common for the average person. That said, If your partner is not aware of their own mental illness, or you feel they are endangering you or themselves, stop reading and help them find professional help immediately. If your partner is emotionally, mentally or physically abusive toward you, get as far away as possible.

This article is not meant to diagnose or treat mental illness. It’s about loving someone in active recovery. I’m going to assume, for the sake of this article, that your partner loves you and wants to make you happy. Your partner wants to overcome their illness. And they’re trying.

I’m trying.

The morning after a difficult night, my brain sounds a little like this: I feel so ashamed of my [meltdown/episode/panic attack/etc]. I wish he didn’t have to see that. I want to be better. I want to make my partner as happy as he makes me. I would love to go the rest of my life without this happening again…but what if it does? What if I never get better?

And then my partner wakes up and says he loves me. And I find strength. My mind discards my toxic thoughts and decides: I will keep fighting – for both of us. Opening my heart to my partner and committing to making him happy was the biggest decision I ever made. I worried my issues would make me unlovable, that it would become too much for him. I still deal with those fears. But time and time again, my partner proves me wrong. He reminds me that he’s in this, with me.

Mental illness has not made us weaker than the average couple. I think it’s made us stronger.

Now, you may be wondering –If your partner struggles being happy, how can you be happy together? If your lover is afraid to leave the house, how will you go on adventures? If they suffer panic attacks when you feel everything is going well, what’s going to happen when life throws in new challenges?

It’s a learning process. My partner didn’t always know how to cope, and in many ways we’re still learning. But in spite of the struggles we’ve faced, our relationship has been overwhelmingly happy.

Many people confuse need with neediness. Know the difference: If a person has an asthma attack, you give them an inhaler. If a person has a panic attack, the antidote is equally important. This may be my battle, but I’m not the only one fighting. And that has made all the difference.

As the partner of a person with a mental illness, you are also at war. Here are your weapons.

Step 1: Know your enemy.

Understand your partner’s illness – causes, symptoms, and recommended treatments. Most mental illnesses can be overcome. Your partner most likely isn’t “crazy” – they’re a regular person who needs help overcoming trauma or negative childhood programming. Understanding this can be the difference between alienating your partner and growing closer with them. If they go to therapy, show your support by encouraging them. Talk with them about what they’re going through. And if you both go to therapy, that’s even better. For your partner, knowing that you’ve got their back is a huge deal. And the more you know about the monster, the better equipped you’ll be to fight it. This means becoming familiar with your partners emotional triggers, coping strategies, and what they need in moments of crisis.

Step 2: Don’t leave your partner in the battlefield – but make some distance if you need to.

If you’ve graduated Step 1, you know what they’re dealing with. You understand the monumental effort it takes for them to cope with their pain, and you know that support from you is critical for their recovery. So if (or when) the battle gets too intense and you’re suddenly unable to cope, make it clear that you love them and that you’re not leaving. Then step away. Why? Read step 3.

Step 3: Take care of you.

To play on a team, all players need to develop their strength individually in order to work well as a unit. This is ultimately their battle. They know this. On airplanes, when the oxygen masks come down, you’re told to put yours on before helping anyone else. Here’s why: you can’t help anyone if you’re suffocating. Once you’re able to breathe again, you’re strong enough to assist your partner.

Step 4: Reassure them. A lot.

With anxiety and trauma-induced disorders especially, we worry. A lot. If you told your partner you loved them this morning, by the afternoon and they might be falling into a spiral of doubt. They may believe you when you say you love them, but certain mental illnesses can make it difficult to retain the feeling. It might feel ridiculous to reassure them so much, but it’s better to say ‘I love you’ too much than too little. Think of your relationship as an hourglass. Flip it over with reminders every once in a while, so the love keeps flowing.

Step 5: Don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay to give them space.

It’s important to separate yourself from their illness. If they’re unhappy because of you, you’ll know. But if they’re dealing with the symptoms of their mental illness, it’s not your job to feel responsible for it. I love my partner, but when I’m unhappy as a result of my illness, it actually makes it worse if he blames himself. Guilt and fear go hand in hand – one exacerbates the other. Your only job is to be supportive and understanding. Relationships are a two-way street, and you can’t do all the work, all the time. Just like drinkers at the pub like to say: know your limit, play within it. It’s not always your fault. Sometimes they need space to recover, just like you do. If you’re struggling with guilt, go back to Step 3 and repeat.

Step 6: Let your partner love you.

Your partner is not helpless. They can take care of you, too. Let them! Spend quality time together and see each other for what you are – two people in love. Mental illness is like having a physical ailment – if you spend every waking moment worrying about it, you miss out on life.

Step 7: L-I-V-E.

Mental illness thrives on fear. It eats fear for breakfast, it drinks fear at night. Lucky for us…Love is stronger than fear. In my favorite film, Harold and Maude, Maude says: “Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go!” All you can do is your best. Do that, and let love take care of the rest.

*Source: National Alliance on Mental Illness

You Are the Love Affair

June 20, 2016January 22, 2024 by Kalistain LOVE, Mind, Wellness

A journey through the dimensions of your being, from soul to the Infinite Abyss; then forward as consciousness fully embodied into the Infinite. A direct path to authentic being. One can spend years in meditation or stripping layers of emotional wounds and shadows. These are honorable and meaningful practices, however, there is a more direct path. Entering into the Abyss at the core of being, all that is not truly you is dissolved effortlessly. Layers of inauthenticity, “seeking energy”, reaching, pushing, trying… dissolve. What remains, is simply and profoundly your true essence. It is the deep home coming, connecting you directly with your Source, aligning you with the true heart and depth of your unique being and creations.

YOU are the LOVE AFFAIR of the Infinite Abyss and Everything Arising. You are the miracle in between that love. Simultaneously Nothing and Everything, birthing something exquisitely new in every eternal moment.

5 Honeymoon Tips for Twenty-Somethings

June 28, 2016January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin LOVE

A lot of young newlyweds feel too broke, too stressed, or too busy to go all-out on their honeymoon. If that’s you, don’t stress! When you’re young and in your twenties, a boring adventure is out of the question.

You can have an amazing time without breaking the bank. And once you’ve reached your destination, there are plenty of creative ways to make the most of it.

Here are five of the most important things I learned during the honeymoon planning process.

Have an open mind.

I like museums, but my husband likes the beach. We made a list of places that had both. My first choice was France; he wanted Fiji. Both were WAY out of our price range. So when we couldn’t make up our minds, we decided to pick an affordable place that we were least likely to visit any other time.

The last place we ever expected to travel (but still really wanted to go) was Bali. So that’s where we went.

To my surprise, it actually ended up being much cheaper than our other options. And because we knew very little about the culture going into it, Bali was an amazing learning experience for both of us. I can’t imagine what would have happened if we had remained stubborn with our first choices. We might never have seen this faraway place!

If all goes well, you two have the rest of your lives to travel together. Don’t stress about the where so much. Talk about your interests, and make it a fun discussion. Draw destinations out of a hat if you must, but make the decision together.

Less is more.

Our trip was three weeks long. For a couple on a budget, this was quite ambitious. And to spend so long in a place we’d never been, well…that took some daring! If trekking around a foreign land for a month seems like your cup of tea, go for it. But if relaxation is what you’re into, don’t underestimate what you can accomplish in a week or two.

Pros of a longer trip: Total cultural immersion, seeing more sights, and adjusting to a new way of life together.

Cons of a longer trip: It’s more expensive and stressful, especially if you’re staying in a lot of different places.

In the end, we were glad we spent three weeks in Bali. But everyone is different, so make sure you know what you’re in for before booking tickets!

Do your research when buying cheaper airfare.

We bought our tickets on the Kayak app, which made our airfare significantly cheaper than anywhere else. But what we didn’t realize was just how long our layovers were. Often, cheap tickets mean longer layovers and no checked bags. It’s definitely something to talk about before you book.

Because we ignored the fine print, my husband and I spent the first three nights of our honeymoon sleeping in airports. If you don’t want this to be you… do your research!

Define your comfort level in advance.

Do you want a luxurious hotel, or does AirBnB sound more fun? If you’re the adventurous type, I highly recommend AirBnB. But if you’re set on luxury, skip the guesswork and book a hotel in advance.

We stayed in several AirBnBs, which had its ups and downs. While staying in private rentals was cheaper and gave us a better understanding of Bali’s culture, we didn’t have hot water for most of our trip. When we finally splurged on a luxury hotel, I nearly cried with joy. Two weeks into our trip, we were finally enjoying bubble baths and drinking wine together. If I had been up front about my comfort level in advance, we might have avoided cold showers altogether!

Having a budget is one thing, but don’t compromise your comfort level on a honeymoon. Know your non-negotiable desire. If it’s romance, make decisions with that in mind. If both of you crave adventure, then that’s where you should splurge.

For a honeymoon, put your money where your needs are. Save the stress for a different trip.

Remember your first priority: each other.

The most important thing on any honeymoon is your partnership. Your trip will only be as fun as you are. So, relax! There will definitely be obstacles during your trip. Things won’t always go as planned, because that’s life. But don’t let the logistics of your trip get in the way of why you’re there.

Look at your honeymoon as an allegory for your marriage: You can’t control the future, but you can love each other as life unfolds. Solve problems together, be considerate of each other’s needs, and have fun like the best friends that you are.

In the grand scheme of things, your honeymoon won’t matter too much. You can travel the world right after your wedding, or save money to go all-out years later. You can enjoy celebrating each other in a foreign country, or fake a weekend getaway with a tent in your backyard and a bottle of wine. Either way, have a blast!

You’ve made the commitment to be adventure buddies for life. Vacation is what you make it. Marriage is what you make it. So make the most of both.

5 Tips for Non-Violent Communication to Use in Any Relationship, Inspired by John Cena

July 8, 2016January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

On July 4, John Cena reached the hearts of millions with a simple, yet powerful PSA called We Are America.

You can watch it here.

This video could not have come at a better time. Today, war is everywhere; racism is a deadly epidemic; homophobia is a danger…and the political climate is stormy, to say the least. Chances are, you will run into a great deal of heated conversations this week – both on social media and IRL.

“Non-Violent Communication” is a term you might hear thrown around in meditation classes or therapy sessions – but it’s much more than that. It’s a powerful tool that everyone can use.

Consider the issue from all angles.

In We Are America, Cena asks viewers to close their eyes and picture the “average” American. He doesn’t start out by telling us what we’re “supposed” to think; he simply asks for our point of view.

Aristotle once said, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” You can listen to another person’s views without giving up your own. Keeping an open mind gives you a better chance of discovering what you have in common. This creates a foundation of trust.

Remember – the goal is ultimately for the other person to entertain your point of view, just as you’re entertaining theirs. If you offer yourself as an example of what peaceful communication looks like, they may be more likely to reciprocate.

State your observations, facts first.

After asking viewers to picture their “average” American, John Cena offers some rapid-fire facts about our country. “51 percent [of American citizens] are female,” he states. “So first off, the average American is a woman.” By offering hard data to support his position, Cena solidifies his perspective as true.

In personal conversations, using “I” statements and presenting undisputable facts are the most effective ways to communicate peacefully. For example: “I’ve noticed that you use a number of racial slurs from time to time,” is a lot less divisive than just saying “You’re a racist.”

Rather than labeling them outright (“racist”), present some facts and/or previous incidents (“racial slurs”) to support your position.

Empathy is a superpower. Use it.

By expressing your feelings about a certain subject, you’re initiating an emotional exchange. In the PSA, Cena argues against the wrong definition of “patriotism” that people use to justify hatred. But he doesn’t say “stop being bigots, America.” Instead, Cena offers empathy: if we really want to love our country (and he believes we do) then we ought to love the people in it – regardless of gender, orientation, religion or race.

“After all, what’s more American than freedom to celebrate the things that make us – us?”

Notice he said “us.” We all deserve acceptance; that’s the point.

To receive empathy, you must also give it. By saying something like, “I feel sad and scared that you would _____,” you’re being vulnerable. And that gives the other person space to lower their defenses and be vulnerable, too.

Add value.

In the video, John Cena gives us a choice to add value to our lives by contributing directly to the country we love. He effectively communicates that our point of view matters. And to be needed is to be important.

Instead of saying “you’re holding me back,” one might instead say “I need support from you in _____.” Articulating your needs in this way shows others that they can be a meaningful part of the solution.

When we explain our needs to others, we add value to their cooperation. And cooperation is the goal of non-violent communication.

Don’t be afraid to make requests.

For people planning to celebrate their patriotism with fireworks and flags, John Cena ends the PSA with a simple call to action (of sorts). “Remember that to love America means to love all Americans…because love has no labels.”

You can’t change a person’s mind; all you can do is offer them an alternative. This can be done with a final request: “Would you be willing to stop using words like ____?” “Would you like to talk to a professional?” or, “Would you be interested in hearing more about this next time we meet?” Questions like these leave the ball in their court. The rest is not in your control.

Nonviolence means knowing when to walk away.

At the end of the day, your opinions are yours. But facts belong to everybody, so here’s the most important one: Love is the single most powerful force on the planet. It’s available to all of us, free of charge. And the more you practice it, the stronger love gets. Nonviolent communication is one of the most effective ways to bring lasting change in a world that really needs it.

Have Something Uncomfortable to Share? Here is When

July 28, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

After a long stint of online dating, Gemma Halliday had finally found the needle in the haystack she’d been looking for: an attractive, gainfully employed guy with “nothing weird or scary about him” — or so she thought.

“He seemed really nice,” the 31-year-old romance novelist from Los Gatos, California, says of her first phone call with the suitor. He even had “cereal-commercial cute” kids and a picture-perfect home. Halliday learned something else, too.

The man also had a wife — who was in a coma.

“At first I was a little shocked,” Halliday says. “It was very ‘Desperate Housewives.’ In the back of my mind it was like, ‘What happens if she wakes up?’ ”

When to drop the bomb

As strange as the news was, Halliday appreciated his honesty. “Had he waited to tell me, I would have felt he was hiding something,” she says.

Undeterred, she decided to meet the guy for a coffee date, but as it turned out, “the chemistry just wasn’t there,” she says.

But for other daters with secrets — a history of sexually transmitted diseases, a conviction for drunken driving, an obsession with “Star Trek” — the tell-and-then-kiss approach doesn’t necessarily work.

Take Tony Gilbert, 46, from Los Angeles. Throughout his 20s and 30s the body-care products salesman suffered from severe psoriasis, a red, scaly skin condition that covered 20 percent of his body. Besides the itching and discomfort, there was the painful matter of having to tell a date that things might look a little “unsightly” but that “it’s not contagious.”

Rather than share those details over an initial cup of coffee, “I got to know [the person] first, and if I thought we might get intimate, I would tell them,” says Gilbert, who is now married and completely psoriasis-free, thanks to medication he has been taking for five years.

Good decision, says Kimberly Flemke, a therapist on staff with the Philadelphia-based Council for Relationships, a nonprofit relationship-counseling group.

“If you have a big secret, you want to have that trust established first so you know that the person is going to honor your privacy,” she says. “You can’t do that in a new relationship because you don’t know the other person yet.”

How soon is too soon?

Besides, waiting to reveal a potential deal breaker such as herpes or $300,000 in credit-card debt is just good dating decorum, says syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage, author of “The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family.”

“You don’t want someone to reveal too much at first because that itself is a deal breaker,” he says. “If somebody sits down on the first date and says, ‘I’m into spanking,’ even if you are into spanking, [too], you might react negatively to that.”

On the flip side, “withholding information like ‘I’m a cross-dresser’ till the wedding night” is bad form, he says. Once you’re seeing the person a few times a week and sleeping together, it’s time to come clean about any secrets that could affect the relationship.

Even then, Flemke says, there are no guarantees your secret will be met with open arms.

Jude Chosnyk, a 48-year-old technical writer from Seattle, can attest to this. Once she became sexually involved with her then-boyfriend, he revealed that he thought he was “a woman in a man’s body” and began wearing women’s underwear and stockings to bed.

“At first I thought it was a fantasy thing,” says Chosnyk, who didn’t mind a little role-playing. But then, “it kind of overtook the relationship, especially in the bedroom. It turned me off, and that’s why I broke up with him.”

Context is everything

When spilling the beans, giving your secret a bit of context can greatly help your case, Flemke says.

“Instead of dropping a bomb and watching the person sit there and absorb the information, say that if you didn’t see the relationship going somewhere, you wouldn’t have said anything,” she explains.

It’s perfectly acceptable to tell your partner you’re nervous about how your big reveal might impact the relationship, she adds. That way, your partner’s likely to have “a little more compassion and empathy.”

Caitlin Weaver, 29, is banking on this.

After breaking off her engagement to her fiancé and canceling the wedding earlier this year, Weaver, who runs a financial research institute in New York, started an anonymous blog about her newfound singledom.

“The idea was to chronicle my commitment to staying single for six months,” she says. “But the problem is that now I have started dating someone, and I’ve been blogging about him.”

Her solution? To stop blogging about her boyfriend (although she still blogs about other aspects of her life) and fess up that she did. “We weren’t serious when we started dating,” says Weaver, who has been with her beau a couple of months and hopes the back story — that she started her blog as a way to “process” how she feels about dating — will help soften the blow.

“I think the fact that I do want to tell him means that we’ve built up some trust,” she says. Now, “it’s just a question of if the blog is a big deal to him.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

20 Ways to LOVE

August 2, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

How will you celebrate love this weekend!? This video was made to share some ideas…please watch it here. We believe it’s the little things that count, creative surprises, things unspoken. We’re excited to hear your unique ways of expressing love, please share in the comments below!!!

Curated by Erbe
Original Video

Alien Encounter (AKA: A Non-Monogamist Goes to a Wedding)

August 15, 2016January 22, 2024 by Lisa Lauretain LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

“’Til death do us part,” has always been replaced in my mind with, “’Til next Tuesday, then…we’ll see.”

When I was a child, I used to play house. Like most children, I would mimic what I grew up with, so, of course, I was often a single mother. I did have a healthy example of a relationship through my grandparents who to this are completely and madly in love. While I realize that high levels of commitment are possible, I tend to find them improbable, and have never desired them in my own life. I haven’t entertained the concept of marriage or long-term monogamy since back in the days of cabbage patch kids when I would receive pretend phone calls from a pretend absentee husband (who was always named after the boy I had a current crush on) telling me he’d be late again and to go ahead and start pretend dinner without him.

In my more recent romantic endeavors, which are slightly more real, I still never pretend to say forever. I’m the kind of person who changes so much from day to day, let alone year to year, that I think it’s unfair to make such a promise when you know it can’t be kept. I believe that marriage is great for some people, but fewer than we’re willing to admit, and definitely not me. “’Til death do us part,” has always been replaced in my mind with, “’Til next Tuesday, then…we’ll see.” So the thought of weddings seemed as make-believe as the phone calls I was receiving from Scott when I was seven years old in my playroom kitchen.

I’ve been lucky enough to have a lot of queer friends, who up until recently didn’t even have the legal right to exchange vows, in addition to a lot of nomadic wanderers like myself who are equally either against or afraid of commitment. Those I know who are married were already in their matrimonial state when I found them, and lucky for me, I’ve never had to buy a dress just to watch them prove their love for one another. This luck has lasted for about fifteen years, but came to an abrupt end this last winter.

My current partner, like so many others, has a family. And his family, also like so many others, likes to get together around the holidays. His cousin happened to plan her wedding on January 2 in Florida. A strange date to me, but who am I to judge? This date happened to be a great way to ensure that everyone’s holidays revolve around a one special bride. Because it’s really the only time of year his family sees him, he was guilted into attending this silliness. Now, I’m not big on holidays, but I love New Years Eve. I also love trips to Florida, hotel sex, and free cake. I was promised all of these if I were to accompany him on this journey. So I went. And I discovered a few things, including but not limited to: weddings are weird.

The first thing I learned was that weddings have websites. As if the bride and groom are comedians trying to get road gigs, they’ve got an “about” page, a bio, and a schedule of events. Upon visiting their dot com, I discovered many things about the bride and groom. Apparently the bride was romantically sleeping off a headache before she came out of the bedroom. That’s when the groom got down on one knee! They like each other because they both like board games. Amazing that two people with such distinct similarities could ever have found each other. The schedule of events page at one point actually read, “the bride and groom will then go to their room, and be in there for approximately a half hour, before coming down to the reception…” Did they just tell us they were gonna fuck?! I’m sorry. “Consummate?” And a half hour? I can’t tell if they’re joking.

Before the ceremony

So we drive from California to Daytona where we meet his family with the usual, “hey how are ya, nice to meet ya, please don’t think of me as your next daughter-in-law…” greetings. Oh, did I mention I hadn’t met his parents yet? Yeah, so that happens. It’s fine. When you’re in a place surrounded by alligators, your partner’s parents don’t seem so bad.

The next day is the big event. Until now the only weddings I’d ever attended were Catholic, so I’m expecting a long ceremony including a full mass and no kiss at the end. I’m wrong. I’ve already had much of the hotel sex I’d been promised so I’m in a fairly good mood. It also helps that the wedding was not at a church, but rather held on a large patio at a hotel with a nicer pool than ours, making me wish I’d worn my swimsuit under my dress.

The ceremony

As soon as we get there, I feel as though I’m being sized-up by the entire family. I wish I’d brought a sign to wear around my neck that reads, “I’m not trying to join. I’m also not the reason he got divorced.” But I hear signs are out of fashion for weddings these days. In an attempt to keep it cool and casual, I stuff my face with hors d’oeuvres. I look around and there doesn’t appear to be any free cake just yet. Then I remember from the few weddings I’ve been to that the cake comes later. I decide I can wait, but not long.

Everyone eventually starts to head over to the chairs, set up in two separate columns, as if to say, “we like each other but we’re not family YET.” All the guests are asked to grab a rock from a basket. I think my question, “are we going to stone the bride?” is a fair one at this point. We take our seats and I learn something else about weddings: they have programs. Great, I love plays! I look for the bride’s headshot and bio with a blurb about how she’s been doing off-Broadway projects for so long and she’s super grateful to join the touring cast of RENT. It’s not there. But a schedule is, which is nice because I’m able to treat it like a countdown to cake.

The music begins and I can’t help but be distracted by a couple making out on the beach. They look like they’re really going for it, and I don’t understand why we’re all looking back at a bunch of girls in bad dresses walking awkwardly down an aisle when sexy fun times are happening right in front of us. The bride is wearing white, adding to the ever-growing list of things I don’t understand. I mean, we all read the website, right? They were living together. Am I being presumptuous when I say she’s probably not a virgin anymore? Maybe it’s possible with this couple, but honestly, why are we all so inclined to pretend? It’s like the “ooos” and “aaahhhs” that come out of everyone’s mouths as they look at the people marching one by one. It all feels so rehearsed, and why? BECAUSE IT IS! They rehearse these things! “Ooooo, the bride is glowing!” Well sure she is, and so are all of us. This is Florida, and that’s not glow, that’s sweat.

Dad symbolically kisses the bride goodbye forever, like he’s never going to see her again, before sitting in the front row where he’s got a better view of her now than he did when she went to college. “Goodbye forever…or until you move back in with me and your mom because you realize you shouldn’t have spent so much on a wedding and should’ve used that money for a down payment on a house.”

The next thing that happens is possibly my favorite thing in the world. The bride’s aunt gets up to speak. She reads a passage from one of the bride’s favorite books, which happens to be a Winnie the Pooh book. It’s cute because it’s about friends that last forever, but that’s not why I’m so psyched. The passage begins with the words, “Pooh is in me, Pooh is in all of us.” How am I not supposed to laugh?!?! WHY IS NO ONE ELSE LAUGHING?!?!?!

The man wearing the white collar tells us to think a positive thought for the bride and groom and put that energy into the rock before we pass the rock toward the middle of the aisle where someone with a basket will collect it. Great, I don’t even get to keep the rock?! Fine, I wish them good sex for as long as they can stand each other and the courage to get out of it if and when they ever feel it’s time before passing my rock to the middle.

As people are talking about forever, I can’t help but think to myself, how can you be so bold? How can anyone make a promise even for tomorrow, in a world where literally the only thing that’s for sure is change? How do you know you’re still going to be boring two years from now? Let alone fifty?! Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re an American woman who can buy her own land! You don’t need this. And his family doesn’t need goats in exchange for you. So why go through all of it? If you need the attention, become an actor.

The wedding is officially over and it’s time for cake! No? Still no cake?! Oh great, pictures. My partner’s mom tries to get me to pose with the family. I politely decline, three times. After two it feels a little less polite but I just don’t want to be a part of this memory. I want to be like a ghost. You feel my presence but you can’t quite put a finger on just how I look or what I say or how much cake I eat. Speaking of cake…

The reception

We head up to the reception and the bride and groom theoretically head up to their room to fuck like they said they would. I finally get some free food, and quickly realize that nothing’s free. My asparagus and potatoes come at the cost of waiting through several speeches before my partner’s mother switches her seat so she can sit next to me and attempt a Spanish Inquisition about her son, and myself, and how we met. It’s as though she’s expecting a sweet, romantic story. I tell her “online” and am vague with my answers in hopes to shut it down.

Throughout the evening, people cling on their glasses prompting the bride and groom to kiss. That’s right, like dogs with a pre-conditioned response. It’s Pavlov’s kiss. I can only hope this trained response carries over into their day-to-day lives. Maybe after the honeymoon, he’s at a work meeting and someone at the conference table accidentally hits their water glass with a pen. Next thing you know, he’s planting a big wet one on his boss. “Oops. Sorry about that, boss. I just got married.” “Ahh,” everyone gets it and laughs it off because he’s trained now.

I think it’s important to mention that I’m a person who likes to play games when she’s bored. So, I begin to play a game with my partner. I tell him that every time we hear the group say “Aw” at something adorable and/or sickeningly sweet, it’s one more guy that gets added to the gangbang he owes me for coming to this wedding. We may not be quite as traditional as the bride and groom, but we like games just as much!

So, we’ve watched the ancient tradition of a woman being given away as though she’s switching owners. We’ve also watched a series of awkward dances while I successfully avoided the dance floor myself, not because I don’t love dancing, but because I feel twerking is inappropriate in front of Christian grandparents with heart conditions. I’ve also successfully avoided pretending like I care about catching fake flowers at the end of the night. And best of all, I finally get my cake!!!

So, why do we get married?

The night was as successful as it could be, but I can’t help but wonder why this all still happens? Why do we still feel the need? I understand there are tax breaks that come with marriage, and certain rights that a married couple has that no one else does, like insurance coverage and other protections. But it doesn’t seem to be about that. If it were, everyone would just do this in a courtroom. So why? Why do people who are supposedly utterly and completely in love feel a need to go through this whole charade? And why is it so highly valued by some? I’ve grown up with girls whose main goal in life was marriage, and who feel like they’re not whole until they find someone to take through this archaic ritual.

It’s my understanding that love is between the people who are in it, and if it’s real, it doesn’t need to be shouted about. If you happen to be a person who needs a promise of forever, why do these particular traditions stick around? Why does the female need a rock that was probably found by an African living a terrible life just so some woman living across the globe can have something shiny on her finger? Why does she wear a big white dress to pretend like she’s this pristine, virginal thing when really she’s someone who should be proud of her past, whether it’s peppered with mistakes or not, because it’s what got her to where she is now? Why does the groom dress like all the other men and just stand there while he’s “given” a woman, “his” woman? Why is there an aisle? Why do all of these people need to be here to watch? When you look at it, really look at it, the only thing that makes sense about a wedding is the cake. I know why there’s cake.

The entire event left me feeling like an alien or a time traveler who knows the truth but can’t say anything because it’ll mess with the time space continuum. So I’ll say it now: if you’re in love, just be in love, for however long, with whomever it happens to be with. Be nice to each other. Listen to each other. Talk to each other. And if it fades away or becomes less fun, then allow each other to go your separate ways amicably and know that you’ll always have those beautiful memories of great hotel sex.

This is Why We Believe The Bitter Blogs and Cynical Tweets about Modern Relationships

September 8, 2016January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

What Do You Believe About Modern Relationships?

If you Google ‘Modern Relationships,’ you’ll find a medley of bitter blog posts and cynical tweets about why Millennials fail to commit. Our Facebook feeds are full of reasons why modern love is doomed.It can seem like everyone is happily single (because relationships are a waste of time), unhappily single (because break-ups are the worst), or soon-to-be single (because commitment is boring/stressful/hard). And those of us who are in relationships find ourselves crossing our fingers, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even some so-called experts are declaring a state of emergency for millennial relationships.

We believe them, so they’re right.

We say our generation is too busy, too self-involved, too distracted. Our generation blames technology, our upbringing, our finances, and each other. We swipe right, hook up, hang out, and disappear. But that’s just the world we live in. Right?

Wrong.

We all have a natural tendency to believe what we see. When our social media feeds are full of unhappy people bemoaning relationships, we can’t help but think that happy couples don’t exist. But the truth is, people in strong relationships are just too busy putting work into their partnerships to rave about how awesome they are online. And in today’s culture, avoiding social media can be like wearing an invisibility cloak.

Marriage used to be the only acceptable channel for love, sex and long-term intimacy. Nowadays, there are other options. And that’s great! There have been countless apps made to facilitate, simulate and imitate nearly every aspect of human connection. But with so many ways to diffuse our feelings, it’s easier than ever to see what we want to see, and believe only what makes us comfortable.

So what’s the real reason behind our failure to commit? Hint: It’s not me, it’s you.

Relationships are not any harder today than they were fifty years ago. The only difference between our commitment issues and that of our grandparents is simple: we just have fancy phones, now. Back in the day, a shitty relationship was still shitty, whether divorce was an option or not. Modern couples don’t have new problems; we just spend more time whining about them online.

The truth is, modern technology hasn’t changed your need for connection; it’s simply enhanced it. You, the socially connected-yet-chronically-isolated Millennial, are not too ‘damaged’ for love. You’re just more afraid of it.

It’s an easy problem to ignore; there’s nothing wrong with being single. And it’s great that we’ve accepted single life as an acceptable lifestyle in society. But there are ways to enjoy our options without writing off our need for love. Some of us really can be happy staying single forever – but too many people are simply living in denial of their needs. It’s more convenient to say we’re incapable of commitment, than to face the real issue (ourselves). With so many other big problems to deal with in life, it’s easier to buy into the notion that relationships just ‘suck,’ rather than investing time and energy into their success.

If you continually blame your heartbreak on society, know that your dream guy or girl might be, too. And denying love’s potential just makes you 100% more likely to never make that connection. Dodging relationship obstacles (rather than overcoming them) is the quickest route to failure.

Success in love is just like success anywhere else; it takes work. If you set out to run a marathon, only to quit the second you start feeling uncomfortable [or tired, scared or in pain]… you won’t even get halfway. If your goal is to make a million dollars, but you won’t take risks, bounce back from loss, endure criticism, or spend years in pursuit of that goal…you’ll never be rich. Why should love be any different?

We are fully capable of greatness. Our generation lives for passion, persistence and ingenuity. We are not ‘lazy,’ as trends had once predicted. But now that ‘lazy’ has been replaced with ‘anti-social,’ we have a new label to overcome. Millennials are devoted to making dreams happen. But when it comes to love, we’ve fallen and can’t get up.

Success in a long-term love isn’t harder for Millennials; it’s just not as mandatory. We don’t choose to see committed love as important as wealth, fitness, travel, or other #goals. We’re lonely, and it’s our own damn fault.

Changing your story begins by making a choice. If you want to find (and keep) the love of your life, a shift in perspective needs to happen. Happy relationships are like any other goal: we choose to fail every day that we don’t try.

Eat your vegetables, or don’t. Apply for jobs, or remain unemployed. Exercise daily, or complain that it’s too hard. Either way, success or failure is your decision. You can work hard to get better at love, or you can keep pretending it’s impossible. A mistake doesn’t have to mean ‘game over.’ Pain does not have to be death. You can let failure push you away from your goal, or use what you’ve learned to do better next time.

They say, “Success comes when opportunity meets readiness.” You may have a wealth of opportunity, but none of the readiness. And for right now, that’s okay. Skill and luck in love can only come with practice.

So get out there and practice.

Frustrations of the Lack of Clarity and Closure

September 16, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Are you frustrated?

I live with five girls. Well, five girls and a semi-friendly ghost who occasionally knocks stuff over in the night and eats all my fudgesicles, but I digress. We talk about a lot of things in my house, like religion and history and politics and the meaning of life, but predominantly, as much as I hate to admit it, we talk about love. Love and relationships, dating and disaster. We sit on the couch and lay on the floor and drink wine while angrily shaking our fists at the sky and asking why it all has to be so confusing. So far, we haven’t come up with an answer. Love is weird, and dating is hard, and unless you live life locked in your room clutching your box of fudgesicles (the ghost can’t get them if you eat them all in one sitting), you’re going to get hurt and be confused at some point by someone who won’t give you a clear answer on how they feel about you.

I don’t know why everyone isn’t honest about their feelings, but I do know some ways to deal and some things to remember when things get dicey. And since I can’t cuddle you on my couch and feed you chocolate, I’m going to do my best to pass on my hard-earned and tear-stained knowledge here. Good luck out there, and remember, you’re not alone in this thing.

Try to remember that it may not be about you.

It’s easy to start questioning everything you’ve done and said and eaten sloppily when someone you thought was into you starts being distant. Maybe they’re taking longer to answer your texts, maybe they’re forgetting important things you talked about, or maybe they’ve just shut you out for no good reason at all. I’ve learned through a lot of angst and heartache that there usually isn’t just one reason things are off, and it’s possible the person you’re seeing has something personal going on that you don’t understand. Be kind, try not to jump to conclusions, and don’t blame yourself; they may be fighting some demons you can’t see.

Know where your line is.

That being said, you shouldn’t feel obligated to stick around and wait for the truth to reveal itself. If you’re feeling neglected, minimized, or like you’re spending more nights crying into your pillow than dancing around to Taylor Swift, you have every right to walk away. You deserve to be happy, and if all the confusion and mixed signals are detracting from your state of mind, then there’s no shame in leaving.

Try to get some new perspectives.

Sometimes we get really tied up in our own biases and hopes and can’t see what’s right in front of us. Maybe past bad experiences are making the present mess seem worse than it is, or maybe you’re so head-over-heels you can’t see that you’re being played. Try talking it out with people you trust and friends who will be honest with you. Consult a diversity of sources. Google “mixed signals,” call your mom, talk to your friends, and if it still doesn’t make sense, go to the source and just ask what’s up.

It’s okay to simply ask for an answer (don’t be afraid!).

One of the most frustrating things about modern romance is the lack of closure. You met someone you really liked, and then they stopped talking to you. You went out with someone who declared their love and admiration and bought you a fat burrito, and then they never called. It’s a never-ending story of unanswered texts and questions all building up and weighing you down with “what ifs?” and “whys?” We’re often taught that silence is the best answer, that reaching out makes you weak and that wearing your heart on your sleeve makes you vulnerable and clingy. But sometimes it’s worth the second text, the second chance. Sometimes you need a conclusive answer to move forward. It’s ok to ask why and assert some accountability, and once you’ve done it once it makes being honest and open about your feelings and expectations so much easier.

Try to look at the big picture.

Not every tryst and encounter is meant to blossom into a relationship. Sometimes we meet people just to lose them, and as much as it hurts, it’s not the end of the line. There’s always another party, another date, another person to sweep you off your feet and make you remember why you bother with this love thing at all. It’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to take a break if you feel like your heart has been hit a few too many times. But try not to give up, keep putting yourself out there and letting people in, because while you can’t prepare for heartbreak, you can hope for love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Play Together, Stay Together

October 6, 2016January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

When kids get bored, they can easily get into trouble. That’s why “go outside and play” is one of the more common phrases parents use. For kids, play is an opportunity to get centered, learn new things, and have fun in a constructive way. But for adults, the word “play” has come to mean something entirely different.

“I don’t play games,” says the woman trying to appear drama-free.

“I’m not a player,” says the man who wants to earn her trust.

“Play” for grown-ups sounds like the opposite of fun. But what if I told you that play can actually save your relationship? What if “acting like a child” made your grown-up problems easier to cope with?

Playing together might be the most mature decision you’ve make all day!

Too often, long-term couples smother themselves (and each other) by falling into boring routines. We work, we go home, eat dinner and watch the news, go to sleep, repeat. There’s simply no time for anything else. So we worry we aren’t having sex enough, or talking about our feelings enough. We talk ourselves out of intimacy, and it’s exhausting.

My favorite antidote for worry is play. Once play becomes a priority, sex and conversation might actually come easier. We all want less frustration and more intimacy. We’d all be happier with fewer wasted moments and more time together. You don’t have to wait for vacation. You can play where you are, right now.

Play is easy, it’s quick, and it’s free. There are a million ways to do it.

When you wake up in the morning, take 5 minutes for a cuddle party. Laugh at your puffy faces and messy hair. Race each other to the bathroom, and have a toothbrush karaoke party. Just be ridiculous. You might feel stupid at first, but that’s what play is: being goofy together, on purpose.

A serious relationship doesn’t actually have to be “serious” 24/7. Happiness doesn’t always appear on its own, so we play to manifest joy.

Challenge each other to do celebrity impressions in the shower. Try making something weird for breakfast. Do ten minutes of Kundalini yoga together – if you don’t know what that is, find a video on Youtube. Those breathing exercises can be pretty hilarious.

Embrace your childlike sense of humor. We may all be adults here, but none of us have to be old.

In the evening, make dinner together and pretend you’re on a cooking show. While you’re eating, ask each other to share embarrassing stories. And if you must watch something, make a game of that, too. My husband and I sometimes take turns picking Youtube videos, and it’s actually super fun! Any cool music you’ve heard, lately? How about the latest viral cat videos? Share the things that make you feel young, goofy, and alive together.

A silly game we like to play is something I call Mystery Records. You know those bins of $1 old records in thrift shops? I like to pick a few artists I’ve never heard of (cheesy matching sweaters on the album cover are definitely a plus), and then play them at home. This makes for some really random dance parties in our living room.

Feel free to create your own silly games. Maybe you could try inventing bizarre recipes using only what you have in your kitchen. Or you could assemble some ugly, dorky outfits and recreate some ‘awkward family photos’ in your dining room. Being weird together is infinitely more fun than being bored or stressed together.

Play doesn’t always require energy. Don’t feel pressure to be ‘fun’ all the time. Sometimes, we’re tired – and that’s okay.

At night, try putting your phones down and talk about things that make you happy. If you’re feeling passionate about a new project, say so! If your partner is doing a great job at work, congratulate them. Share the dumbest jokes you’ve heard all week. Talk yourselves to sleep about the things that make you smile.

Today, if you find yourselves talking in circles about whatever’s bothering you, take a pause for play. This doesn’t mean ignoring your problems; it’s just making them easier to approach later. There are a multitude of possibilities for play in the time you spend together. Trying just one of these things can lead you to even more ideas for creating joy.

When kids get bored or frustrated, we tell them to go play. Deep down, you’re just two kids in love, aren’t you? So go outside, get out of your heads, and play.

How My Relationship and My Self Esteem Benefit from Meditation

October 21, 2016January 22, 2024 by Eliza Hurwitzin LOVE, Mind, Wellness

I started with just five minutes of a guided meditation in the morning…

A little over a year ago I was suffering from anxiety, low self-esteem, and I felt paralyzed by fear. I’m a natural-born worrier, but this was different. It felt irreparable. My emotions began to take a toll on my physical health, including severe stomach pain which caused me to go to the emergency room, where I was prescribed medication to treat my symptoms. seek medication for stomach pain. I blamed my stress on a lack of a steady job and inadequate income. My relationship with my boyfriend, which had been so solid, had turned rocky. I found myself fixating on things that I never had before. We live together and if he didn’t buy toilet paper, for example, you would’ve thought I caught him having an affair.

But it was only until I looked inward, that I truly began to understand the root of my problems. I was the one causing my inner stress and inner turmoil; therefore, it stood to reason that I also had the power to transform it. I decided to seek the help of a friend who had struggled with anxiety and she told me about meditation. Like many of you, I’ve heard the benefits of meditation touted spouted for years, but I was convinced that this practice just wasn’t for me. I’m just not patient enough to just sit. I’m restless. It’s simply a waste of time, I told myself thought to myself. I had my morning routine already, coffee, a shower, and out the door. I am a creature of habit, and though this routine wasn’t serving me well, I clung to it. Feeling as low as I did, however, was the catalyst I needed I was ready to change.

I started with just five minutes of a guided meditation in the morning, and though I didn’t feel immediately transformed, I did notice that I was able to take on the challenges of the day with ease and a lightheartedness that I hadn’t felt for a very long while. For example, when I missed the subway, that morning, for example instead of dwelling on the frustration of the later train’s crowded morning commute and how I might get in trouble at work, I let the anger roll off my shoulders . I noticed the mood shift within myself and continued to meditate every morning since then.

Before I started meditating, when I would come home to find a messy kitchen, I would react angrily before thinking. I would yell at my boyfriend, place all the blame on him, without even asking wondering how his day had been was. Through mindfulness meditation I’ve learned to be patient, compassionate and more understanding, which I came to realize is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Through meditation, I realized my expectations of what should happen were unrealistically high,held too high, so high that I was judging my boyfriend and other people, when I felt they had made a mistake or didn’t act accordingly. Though it has taken a long time, I am now able to see beyond my judgements in order to distinguish the reality behind a situation.

Letting go of negative thoughts and recognizing them for what they are, merely thoughts, I found I had stopped judging myself so harshly. My self-esteem was greatly improved, I felt confident in myself once again. I realized that my low self-confidence was a result of false beliefs about myself and my capabilities, I was judging myself just as harshly as I was my boyfriend. Meditation helped me see past these negative perceptions.

Meditating helps me to slow down and not get caught up in my anxiety. If I find myself feeling overly stressed throughout the day or following a worrying thought down all the possible negative outcomes, I take just 30 seconds to focus on my breath. Inhale, exhale, repeat, and then, I return to the present. I let my negative thoughts pass on by. I breathe in the present moment and exhale all expectations. Through meditating, I’m able to find the joy in every moment, because there really is so much to be grateful for.

How Standing Rock Showed Me How to Love

November 28, 2016January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin LOVE

In case you haven’t heard, thousands of activists have assembled in Standing Rock, North Dakota.

People from all over the world have joined in solidarity to stop disaster from occurring. Police brutality, illegal arrests and harsh weather have caused extensive damage and heartbreak. In spite of all their obstacles, the people of Standing Rock are more determined than ever to save their water. It’s inspiring, and heartbreaking.

I wanted to help. So, I went. I expected, at the very least, to be depressed by what I found there. But I was very wrong. The circumstances that brought this community together were certainly unfortunate, but the love I found there was unprecedented. Standing Rock has changed my life, in nearly every aspect. The way I organize and lead, how I approach my relationships, and how I see myself – it’s all shifted in a better direction. My goal in going was to give, but in doing so, I received some truly wonderful gifts.

“I’ve rarely seen so much love, gratitude, determination, resilience,” Jane Fonda said after a recent visit. I agree, wholeheartedly.

Standing Rock taught me more about love than anywhere else I’ve been on Earth. It is with deep gratitude that I share these things with the LoveTV community, and I hope that readers take them to heart.

Here are a few concepts I learned from the elders and community of Standing Rock, that apply directly to love. You can use these ideas to improve your own life, wherever you are – and trust me, the positive effects will be contagious. Feel free to try out one (or all!) of the challenges I’ve shared here. Let us know what happens in the comments, below.

Community is everything. Seek it out.

To “commune” is to participate in intimate communication with another person or group. At Standing Rock, a group of thousands collaborated in creating a conscious community. Coming from Los Angeles, I was initially uncomfortable with trusting a total stranger to help me pitch a tent. In less than a day, however, I was the stranger offering help to countless others.

The difference between isolation and community is simply showing up. At Standing Rock, thousands united with a common goal. This manifested in prayer, discussion, action and co-creation. It’s easier to love yourself when you’re part of something bigger, and community is available wherever you are.

Community challenge:

Find your tribe. Go on a walk with friends once a week. Call your out of state relatives and offer support. Allow yourself to be needed. You’ll be impressed by the results.

Gratitude is love’s strongest muscle. Use it.

At Standing Rock, we were on sacred ground. Prayer was happening everywhere, whether it was chanting around a sacred fire, dancing beneath the stars, meditating in silence, or simply putting in a day’s work. An atmosphere of gratitude penetrated every aspect of life at camp.

Prayer is gratitude, expressed. That’s it! Whether you’re thankful to a higher power, or you’re just glad the world is spinning – express it. Gratitude is as much for your benefit as it is theirs.

For me, saying “thank you” is the quickest shortcut to deeper connection. By looking a friend, partner, or stranger in the eye and offering the gift of gratitude, you’re consciously saying ‘I’m here.’ That’s love, in the purest sense.

Gratitude challenge:

Offer gratitude to someone in your life. Whether it’s a quick text, email, or delivered face-to-face, tell them why you appreciate them. Did a friend send you a note that made your day? Did your doctor give you excellent care a few months back? Tell them! Pay attention to how it makes you feel, and how they respond. Repeat this the next day, and the next – until gratitude comes easily. Notice how your world improves.

The goal of debate should be finding agreement. Argue with this in mind.

Standing Rock is a resistance camp, but their goal is peaceful resolution. At one demonstration, activists thanked the police for their presence, even after some of us had been maced and beaten. This gratitude was genuine, because police had honored us by being present. Even if neither side “won” that day, conflict was diminished by searching for agreement. That, in itself, is a win.

At another gathering, #NoDAPL activists were peacefully protesting with signs in hand. Across the street, an angry mob of #ProDAPL protestors began screaming at the indigenous people gathered there. I approached them, peacefully. It took some time to get them to stop yelling, but once they did, I asked them why they were protesting. Surprisingly, our opposition wanted a lot of the same things we did. If this were a talking circle, where we all tried to find agreement, there would be no need for signs, pepper spray or riot gear.

The truth is, conflict doesn’t always have two sides. People often fight over different versions of the same basic needs. The Standing Rock Sioux (and their Native American allies) have made agreement a priority in resolving conflict. This same tactic can be applied to domestic arguments, family disagreements, and diffusing hostility from opposing views.

Agreement Challenge:

Think of an unresolved conflict in your life. Do you and your partner disagree on a specific issue? Is your family politically split? Try removing your need to be “right” from the equation, and entertain perspectives on both sides. Exploring why people feel the way they do often says more than the feelings themselves. Is there one thing that you can all agree on? That thing might be your one-way ticket to resolving the conflict, once and for all.

Love is more important than anything else in your life. Take good care of it.

At Standing Rock, everyone had one goal in mind: save the water. This goal was aligned with each person’s core values and their love for the planet, themselves, and each other. It was love! That’s what was most important.

In this extreme environment, nobody cared what my day job was. Nobody asked how much money I had. Love required my heart, my focus, and a pair of helping hands. That’s it.

Relationships are as important as you make them. Prioritizing love (for yourself, others, and the world) is more crucial to your mental and spiritual well being than all the money in the world.

Love challenge:

Perform some acts of love today, whenever opportunities present themselves. Open a door for someone, write a thoughtful note, offer a compliment or a thank you. You have no idea how big the impact will be until you try it.

Standing Rock is everywhere. It lives in every act of love, every grateful thought, and every positive action. I will carry these truths with me always.

I hope that you will, too.

How Loving My “Little” Helps Me Build Confidence

December 9, 2016January 22, 2024 by Lisa Lauretain Mind, Wellness

Since I was eight or so years old I’ve made many attempts at utilizing various forms of traditional “western” therapy to no avail. In the past couple of years, I’ve begun to work with more mystical therapists like healers, hypnotherapists and intuits. It just so happens this is the right direction for me. As someone who over analyzes nearly every event and moment of her life at a constant, incessant rate, I’m not the type to benefit from “talking it out.” All my brain does all night long is talk it out. I need people who can help me calm down, meditate, and find proper and more intuitive coping mechanisms.

I went to see therapists originally as a child because of my father’s imprisonment for child abuse. Surprise surprise, I’m a comedian with daddy issues! These issues often come into play for me, but so do a whole bunch of other life issues. When I get upset, I don’t always know what to do, as I wasn’t raised with super effective coping mechanisms or a lot of proper communication. I find myself particularly lacking when I feel fear. Fear has always been pretty big for me. I’m afraid to put my head under water, afraid of heights and steep drop-offs when hiking, which really sucks because I LOVE hiking, afraid of driving on the highway, which super sucks because I live in LA, basically, you name it, I can come up with a reason to be afraid of it. I used to get really mad at my fear. I would yell at myself, “toughen up, power through it, quit being a baby!” This was not helpful.

What I got to see once I pushed through.

I started speaking with a hypnotherapist who took me on a journey into a beautiful meadowy field that I created in my own mind. I met a little version of myself there and I started to have a conversation with her. We called her, ever creatively, “Little Lisa.” Little Lisa is the version of me before the shit hit the fan in my life. We all have this small person, even those of us without heavy traumas. There’s at least one point in each of our lives where life started to get real, where our childlike wonder and amusement took a more serious turn. This happens to a lot of people in middle school because we turn into “adults” and horrendous things start happening to our bodies, in addition to being asked by those older than us to start taking more responsibility. However, those of us with childhood traumas have younger littles. And some of us have a lot of littles. My major little is me at around four or five years old. This is how old I was when I first started feeling depressed. It was when I started getting made fun of a lot. It was when, for whatever reason, I realized life wasn’t JUST about having fun and being a goofball.

One of the way easier parts of the trail, but not at its toughest because I couldn't manage taking a pic while also trying not to fall to my death. — One of the way easier parts of the trail, but not at its toughest because I couldn’t manage taking a pic while also trying not to fall to my death.

My hypnotherapist asked me what my little said I should do when I feel badly. Little Lisa said, “Just dance, ya goof!!!” and then began to dance around like a crazy, goofy Muppet. Because this left me with such a great feeling, I began to go to this little girl whenever I felt distressed. I would ask her to help me, especially when I felt scared. But it wasn’t really effective in my day-to-day life.

Then I spoke with my intuit. We weren’t even talking directly about my fear when she too brought up the concept of Little Lisa. Her suggestion to me was to go back to that little girl. I said, “I do, but when I ask her what to do, she doesn’t really know.” She replied that it wasn’t really fair for me to be asking my little for guidance. She was probably more afraid than I was. Why would you ask a scared child for advice? That child needs to be loved.

Then she told me what I really should be doing when I go back to this little girl. I needed to hold that little girl, cradle her in my arms, stroke her hair and her cheek and tell her that everything is okay, that nothing is her fault, and that she’s a good person who deserves good things and that above all, she’s safe. Soothe her, tell her that she is loved, over and over again.

So I did just that. I lay in bed that night, closing my eyes, imagining my little five year-old self, and cradled her lovingly until adult me actually fell asleep. It worked!

This didn’t exactly change my life overnight, but by being kinder to my inner littles, I’ve actually become kinder to the adult version of myself that exists in the now, and thus have been able to accomplish more. Like when I was alone on a very difficult hike in Hawaii. I was faced with a steep drop off and the trail was getting progressively narrower. I wanted to push on because it was so beautiful, but I felt I couldn’t, I was so overcome with fear, I froze. Before, I would have told myself to “Shut up. Just get through it. Quit being stupid! Quit being weak!” But with my new-found wisdom I took a seat on the ground, breathed deeply and said something more along the lines of, “You’re doing great. You’re being very brave, and you’ve gotten through so much. This is very scary, so you should be very proud of yourself once you’ve done it.” With patience and kindness, I got through it. There were tears and some shaking, of course, but it was amazingly beautiful on the other side of that fear, and I was so glad pushing through paid off.

I’ve used this tactic in my day-to-day life since then. When I’m afraid of a situation, when I get jealous, when I stress out because something didn’t go the way I wanted or needed it to, or when I suffer a tragedy, or even just a minor set back, I find a little. I go back to whichever one feels triggered. Sometimes it’s that 4-5 year-old. Sometimes it’s me from only a few years ago when I was sexually assaulted and felt defenseless. Sometimes it’s me from just a couple of years ago when I was physically assaulted and felt helpless and voiceless. Sometimes it’s me as a teenager, sometimes a pre-teen, and sometimes even a baby. Whoever it is, when I let her know she’s loved, and that yes, sometimes life isn’t fair, but she deserves better and is safe, it makes the me of now feel loved, and safe, and as though life might just be okay.

So find your little, or littles, give them big hugs and kisses, and tell them that though life is full of challenges, they are loved.