Love or Drugs: Do You Have an Addict Lover that Can’t Choose?

February 24, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Love or Drugs?

A Hopeless Ultimatum: ‘It’s Me or the Drugs’.

When you love an addict, you spend a lot of time and energy hoping he or she will change. You probably put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior. The addict may steal from you, lie to you and make promises that he doesn’t keep. He or she may disappear for days on end and neglect you or other family members, including children. The person you fell in love with doesn’t seem to be there anymore.

You may reach a point that you feel you can’t take it anymore and you threaten to leave. You issue the ultimate threat:

It’s drugs or me.

You hope he’ll choose you. You expect him to choose you. Anyone who really loved you would choose you, wouldn’t he?

It’s not that simple.

The Nature of Addiction

The nature of addiction is that the addict is obsessed with using drugs. He chases the effect provided by drugs compulsively and on a level that is far beyond his control. No matter how much he wants to choose you, he can’t.

If he could simply choose to stop, he wouldn’t be an addict.

The urge to continue to use drugs is both psychological and physical. Attempts to discontinue use result in extremely unpleasant, even dangerous, side effects. If he tries to stop, he may experience shaking, sweating or a sense of extreme panic. In some cases, discontinuing drug use abruptly can lead to seizures or death.

When an addict uses drugs over a long period of time, he experiences changes to his brain. Levels of chemicals in the brain known as neurotransmitters are altered. Not only is the pleasure center of the brain affected, but there are also changes in the way the addict learns and makes decisions.

Experiencing life under the influence of chemicals is his new normal, and life without mind-altering drugs feels terribly abnormal to him. At this point, his relationship with drugs has become the most important relationship in his life. Anything that threatens that relationship is likely to be discarded, not because he wants to choose drugs over you, but because he has to. He truly doesn’t have a choice.

He will choose drugs over everything, not just his relationship with you. Drugs will come before his job, his friends, his other family members, his church, his goals, his dreams and even his basic survival tools such as food and water. He may forget to eat and may neglect personal hygiene.

Your Role in Breaking the Cycle of Addiction

Loving an addict is painful. You stand by helplessly watching your loved one destroy himself and you may feel hopeless. The more you scream, yell or threaten, the more he turns to drugs and tries to blame you. You may try to set limits and ultimatums to no avail and eventually you may decide to end the relationship if the addict won’t give up the drugs.

You are truly powerless over his addiction.

You can’t control or cure his addiction, but you may have some influence over him. Family members may join together for an intervention. If you follow through on ultimatums and threats and learn to stop enabling addictive behavior, there is a chance the addict will be willing to take steps to get help.

The most important thing you need to focus on is taking care of yourself. Put energy into focusing on your own life instead of trying to control him. Join a support group such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Learn as much as you can about the disease of addiction, and about your own codependence.

Although it is painful, remind yourself that if the addict chooses drugs over you, it’s not personal. If addicts could choose not to use drugs, they wouldn’t be addicts.

Choosing to stay in the relationship is a personal decision. As long as you live with an active addict, you need to get help and support for yourself. Offer as much love and support to yourself as you offer to the addict. Learn to set boundaries to protect yourself, and know that his rejection of you is caused by addiction, not absence of love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How an English Editor Ended Up with a Moroccan Tribesman

March 8, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Publishing executive falls for Moroccan man she first planned to cast in a book

Now successfully wed to Abdellatif, a Berber tribesman from a mountain village

My best friend stared at me as if I had announced that an asteroid was about to obliterate life on Earth.

I had just told her that I was moving to Africa to marry a man I had met only six months previously, and her reaction was typical of the scepticism which greeted me whenever I told anyone about my exciting plan.

‘You’re utterly mad,’ she said. ‘You hardly know him. He could be a rapist, a conman, anything.’

My other friend Bruce’s reaction was initially one of surprise, too. ‘What?’ he asked, his eyes looking as if they might pop out of his head.
Bruce was my 28-year-old, 6ft 8in rock-climbing partner. We share a close but platonic friendship, and he was my companion on the trip to Morocco in 2005 which had resulted in my momentous decision to move there.

Deciding to move to North Africa had initially felt like a huge risk, but by the point where I was telling friends about it, I’d come to terms with the fear and was feeling steady again, and ready to make the move.

Sharing my news with friends and family felt like the first step of a long climb.

I’ve always had a bit of a wild streak, and I was never one of life’s fitters-in. Eschewing decent, steady men with proper jobs, I’d been involved with a succession of penniless poets, actors and singers.

They were charming, handsome and seductive, but not the sort of men with whom you could settle down. It was as if I deliberately chose the unsuitable ones in order to avoid commitment.

And, now, as far as my best friend was concerned, I had trumped them all.
It was easy to see why she might think this. After all, my inamorato, Abdellatif, was a Berber tribesman from a mountain village in south-west Morocco, who looked impossibly exotic in his native turban and robes.

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Ladies, Why You Have to Spell it Out for Us Men

March 13, 2017January 22, 2024 by Eric Lampaertin LOVE

Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen, seemed to have an almost supernatural way with women. He was a divisive figure, what with his mystical influence over Tsar Nicholas II and his wife Alexandra, but also with his womanizing of Mother Russia. He resembled an evil creature akin from a Tim Burton movie, and yet, managed to charm any beautiful devushka that came in contact with him, including the tsarina, as if he had access to their brains.

Thankfully, men don’t have this uncanny ability to control the minds of women. Other than Rasputin and Professor Xavier, us men struggle to read women’s thoughts, let alone control them. The majority of arguments I have with my wife is because I haven’t done something she wished I did. And herein lies the problem, wish. Perhaps you’ve said this to your husband, or you’ve heard your girlfriend surprise you with it; “I wish you…”

Women seem to have this natural ability to sense what their other half wants or needs. They just know, call it intuition, but women know. A lady doesn’t have to wish for her sister to do something. They just know. How do you do it? I once saw a pentagram of five women having separate conversations and being able to understand and respond to each other. All at the same time! I trembled as I witnessed this quintuple communion. I can’t even understand my own thoughts. How are you multitasking conversations? Maybe that’s why you ladies were mistaken for witches and burned at the stake. You freaks us men out with your supernatural powers.

Most men don’t have this ability to just know when their lady partners need them or want something. We need to be asked. And that’s where a lot of arguments seem to seed. Women expect men to have this intuition and we simply don’t, which understandably frustrates you because it seems like we don’t care about you. My wife has often become angry and betrayed by my actions, because I simply didn’t know. To me, she inexplicably gets angry at something I didn’t know about which therefore seems a little irrational. To her, I am insensitive idiot for not being attentive when she needs me. As George Carlin once said, “Women are crazy, men are stupid, and the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

To you lovely ladies, we seem stupid, and to be honest, we often are. So maybe, if we’re as stupid as you say we are, try and not be so angry at us. And instead teach us, show us, spell it out for us. We’ll slowly learn, very slowly; I must emphasize how slow this process will be. But we will learn. I adore my wife. She is everything to me. I try my best to be a good husband. But some days, she looks at me like a brain damaged ape who’s looking at a Jackson Pollock painting.

Please, ladies, don’t expect us to read your mind. We are not Rasputin. Both in his telepathic ability to read and with his, it is rumored, his 13 inch penis.

Body Language Signs That Indicate Attraction and So Much More

April 5, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

How to Know if Someone Likes You

It is often difficult to tell if someone likes you. Most people aren’t direct enough to come right out and say what they mean, so looking for other, less direct, cues can help. Body language often says just as much, if not more, than our verbal interactions, and a better understanding of body language can help you figure out what people think of you. The following article may help you tell if someone likes you before you’re in a relationship.

Many of these actions are gender neutral, but some would definitely be strange coming from a woman. Women tend to have other cues of signaling interest, in some ways more complicated and discrete than men, whether they realize this or not.

Remember, even if someone is interested in you, that doesn’t mean they are ready to move forward. If you like somebody, try encouraging their interactions and responding in kind. If you react in a neutral or indifferent way, your prospect is likely to think that you aren’t interested. If you like something someone does, remember you can reinforce it with a compliment. Communication is key to relationships, along with being honest and vulnerable.

Noticing You

A guy who likes you will be very aware of your presence, and you may notice him noticing you: glancing, smiling, trying not to stare. He may laugh at your jokes, pay close attention to what you say, and consciously or unconsciously mimic your movements.

1. He laughs when you laugh. One of the key things to look for is synchronicity. When two of you are amused at the same things, this is a major plus. Try not to force this, but laugh naturally. If he laughs at your jokes, that’s extra points.
2. He mirrors your movements. When you drink from a glass, he does also. If you cross your leg, he’ll have his leg crossed. If you both have your legs stretched out, you’re both wearing similar clothes, similar colors, or have the same posture — these are all good signs.
3. He smiles often when looking directly at you. Of course men smile, and they can be friendly. But if he has a certain extra smirk for you that he doesn’t for the rest of people, or if he particularly is giving you extra attention — then there’s something that’s positive happening.
4. You catch him with a “deer in the headlights” look at you. Once I decided to run outside with one of my friends in the rain because I was overwhelmed by a party. This was a totally insane feminine thing to do, but when crossing one of the windows I definitely saw a pair of eyes fascinated by this splurge of a moment, not to mention being covered in rain and stuck in your clothes doesn’t hurt.
5. Looks to you to see if you caught something strange in a group setting to see if you’ll laugh too. He wants to be on the same wavelength. Men desperately want to believe in ESP.
6. His eyebrows raise. Not dramatically, but enough to acknowledge that you are a special, keen woman.
7. He uses your name frequently because he likes it.
8. He may awkwardly compare you to women in his life whom he admires — like his mom.

Proximity: Getting Close to You

A guy who really likes you will want to spend time with you and be as close to you as he can without being too obvious about it. The easiest way to tell this is his physical proximity. Does he try to get a seat next to you at group hangouts? Does he constantly appear in places you frequent? These are all signs that he likes you.

1. He appears in places you frequent randomly, whether on purpose or not.
2. He stands near you in social scenes.
3. He actively prevents other guys from connecting with you. He’ll find ways to block them, so that he has your attention instead.
4. He uses his feet to communicate with you. He taps to music, he points to you, he touches you with his feet
5. If he is driving you in a car by himself, he’ll act particularly altogether to try to impress you. He may give off clues that he likes you considering (1) part of his brain is needed to concentrate on the road (2) the setting is more private and intimate. Consider if he is trying to be personal while he drives, or if you are but a shadow in the car that he never knew was even there.
6. He offers his jacket when it’s cold. Again, he wants to come off as a gentleman. I suggest keeping the jacket and giving it back another day so that you have some kind of form of connection with him for a later day.
7. He scoots closer to you.
8. When seated he gives you less space than usual if by you.
9. He leans into you when talking. This way he can hear you better and be closer to you.
10. He crouches inward to be cuter to you. Sometimes guys know that they are intimidating, so if they try to make themselves cute, than they’re trying to be more accessible to you.

Touch

Touch is a huge indicator of desire, and a guy who likes you will want to be in physical contact as much as he can. Here are a few big signs related to physical contact and touch.

1. He looks for excuses to hold your hand, whether palm reading, helping you off a ladder, being scared, high fives, handing you an object, etc.
2. He looks for ways to touch you in non-creepy ways, such as your shoulders and arms. He wants to break the physical barrier between you, and get you used to his sense of touch. He also wants to come off as gentlemanly. He may squeeze your shoulder during an emotional moment, or he may touch you when someone else is around who is flirting with you… because he wants you to remember him, not some other guy.
3. He really likes you if he randomly plays or touches your hair. Men like hair a lot more than you think, and it is a huge sign of affection if he goes for the fro. The longer his hands stay on your head caressing hair, more likely he has a thing for you.
4. He lays his head on your shoulder. He obviously feels comfortable enough with you.
5. If he lays his head in your lap, he feels even more comfortable with you.
6. He hugs you on sight.
7. He hugs you several times in a single day. If he can’t stop hugging you for every small deed, then he really wants to be close to you.
8. He guides you through a crowd by the small of your back.
9. Random high fives. He gives you lots and lots and lots of high fives… for everything.
10.He hugs you from behind. This is unusual, but probably means they are super excited to see you and can’t even wait for you to turn to look them in the face.
11. He gives you big bear hugs.
12. He picks you up and spins you.
13. He kisses your hand.
14. He kisses your forehead.
15. He grabs at your elbow.
16. He dances with you or next to you.
17. He wraps his arm around yours while walking.

Nervous Behavior

We’re all familiar with the anxious, overwhelming feelings that can arise from having a crush on someone. If a guy is kind of flustered and odd around you, it may be because he likes you and doesn’t know how to deal with it.

1. He crashes into objects in the area out of nervousness.
2. He forgets where he is going out of nervousness. He may forget incredibly basic information about you too, because he is nervous.
3. He has a sudden amount of energy and wanders everywhere like a kid on sugar.
4. He adjusts his crotch area. This should be understood.
5. He plays with any rings on his fingers out of nervousness.
6. He plays with objects on the table out of nervousness. He needs to do something with himself because he is brooding with emotion.
7. He suddenly has the need to adjust one of his socks and pull it up. This is an old trick, but for whatever reason if you do something entirely endearing, this is a knee-jerk reaction by men that is telling of only one thing: I like her.
8. He grooms his hair when around you. Any kind of knee-jerk reaction to groom shows they want to look their best, whether for vanity or because you are in the room.
9. He stares at you for too long.
10. He smells of cologne.

Open, Confident Body Language

If a guy really likes you, instead of acting nervous he may actually act extra confident and happy around you because you simply make him feel good. If he’s using lots of open body language, and it seems as though he can really relax in your presence, this is a sign that he feels comfortable and free when you’re around.

1. He has better posture because you gave him a surge of confidence.
2. His body language allows him to show his wrists meaning he is comfortable around you since this is a vulnerable place on humans.
3. He licks his lips, generally subconsciously.
4. His nostrils open. Essentially, the more open the body language, the better. This can manifest in the strangest of ways, such as the nostrils.
5. He stretches out his legs and body. If he can make more of himself prominent in a room, then you’re more likely to gander at him.
6. He stands taller. You make him feel confident, and women dig tall guys over just about anything else.
7. Puffs out chest. He is feeling confident, and he wants you to see him as a protector.
8. Has more open body language rather than crossing arms, legs, keeping his palms toward himself.
9. He sings random songs around you or whistles. He is happy and free.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Love On the Brain? Here is Why You Feel That Way…

April 10, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Love is an inevitable part of the human experience, and ironically, the least understood.

Love on the brain? Ever since the beginning of time, we have been trying to understand what this all-consuming, life-changing feeling is all about. But we haven’t reached satisfactory answers, or a definition of love that everyone can agree on. One thing we all agree on, though, is that love comes from the heart, right? Think again, because this tenet has been proven wrong.

Dr. Helen Fischer, an anthropologist and expert on romantic love, conducted thousands of fMRIs, and found that when one is in love, it is the hypothalamus that gets activated. The hypothalamus is the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions, sleep, hormones and physical expression of emotions. So, that urge you feel to hug, kiss and make love to your partner comes from here. Every time you cuddle or have sex with your partner, your body also releases oxytocin, which is the hormone responsible for attachment. This is how someone comes to be “special” to you.

The hypothalamus is also the pleasure-and-reward centre of the brain. When you’re in love, a large amount of the happy hormone called dopamine is released. This is registered in the hypothalamus as a reward, which kicks off a mechanism similar to addiction. In the presence of the object of your desire, happy hormones are released and you feel great. In their absence, the level of these hormones dips … and you feel like shit. All you want then, is for your lover to come back. Sounds like addiction, right?

According to Dr. Helen Fisher, love has the three characteristics of addiction: tolerance, withdrawal and relapse:

Tolerance means that you want to see more and more of your partner to feel the same level of happiness and satisfaction. You want to go from dinner dates every weekend to mid-week lunches, to nights over, to moving in together.

Withdrawal means that when your partner is not around, you don’t feel good. You feel low, unhappy and crave them.

Relapse is extremely common. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as actually getting back with your partner, but even when you’re reminded of them, you are relapsing.

Have you ever wondered why you feel more energetic and generally healthier when you’re in love? That sparkle in the eyes of those in love isn’t mythical or just a fancy twist of words. Love is a visceral experience, and your body chemistry changes because of it. It is an antidote to illnesses and actually increases one’s lifespan. It makes sense that the pain of losing a loved one is so extreme, and hard to bounce back from. Because just like love, breaking up is also biological.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

I Don’t Know How to Love Men

April 17, 2017January 22, 2024 by Clementine Francesin LOVE

I don’t know how to love men. There. I said it.

I didn’t grow up with a positive male figure. The constant male presence in my life was toxic. So the only men that looked good to me were in the books and the movies and the songs. Now, that I am an adult, well I’ve been for quite some time, I’m still romantically developmentally arrested. I don’t know what to do with men. I don’t think I trust them. They kind of scare me; the ones with conditioning to be dishonest, to abuse, to entitlement, the disposal of women, but not in like a murder-y way, but in “on to the next one” kind of way. But also murder! Rape!

Feminism is a response to the patriarchy aka oppression.

Look, I don’t want to be used. I’m fragile! I can’t keep breaking. I spend every day trying to build myself up. It’s exhausting.

Am I a Lesbian?

Sometimes I think I have no attraction to men. Maybe I’m a lesbian in denial. But, I can’t say that I really like women either. But that could be denial talking. But, sometimes any man that shows me any kindness I think I could love. I have this exterior of “I love no one.” But, any bit of kindness a male shows me I think could be love. But, since it screws with my, “no love for me, please” narrative I shut it down. I was never taught how to love. I didn’t see it growing up. What I saw was poison and I think I’ve been spending my life avoiding poison.

I really do believe I could live the rest of my life without ever being in any kind of relationship. But, it’s tough because I do find people attractive. For nearly a decade I was incredibly infatuated (read: http://www.lovetv.co/the-safety-of-my-unrequited-love/) with a celebrity. I’ve been head over heels for teachers, for co-workers, but no one’s ever reciprocated. But, in hindsight, I’ve noticed I’ve been my own cock blocker. If a guy shows interest I immediately see his shady or charming ways and it turns me off. Or I make sure we stay “just friends” because I’m not into him and I don’t want to be, but I could probably fall for anyone who shows me any kindness, if they’re persistent enough. And that makes me think I’m weak.

Romance, is it Weakness?

I guess to engage in romance equals weakness to me. Or should I say vulnerability? Vulnerability makes one susceptible to pain and if there’s anything in life I want to avoid it’s pain. I’m always in pain. I live between no emotion and a ball of emotions and that is as a lonely woman alone. Loneliness is easier. But is it? The idea of handing my feelings to someone and giving them power to affect me is so daunting. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of girl who could just go through guys, whatever that means, but I also want to hide.

Work In Progress

Maybe I’m like the boys who assume that any woman who gives them attention must want to bang them. But, also I believe no one is interested in me, and that maybe I’m highly unattractive and maybe I’m too mean. They say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else which I don’t think anyone actually follows, but I want it to be true for me. But maybe that’s my way of holding off from moving forward. If I stay in the “work in progress” phase I’ll never have to face anything.

I think if someone I was intensely attracted to asked me out I would say yes. But maybe that’s not true. Sometimes, I want love so much that I think I won’t be able to stand not having it at this very moment, but some days I quiet the want, bury it enough so it doesn’t ruin my day.

I could spend two years, twelve years, or twenty years not doing the love thing in order to avoid discomfort. But, it’s comparable to staying on the bench forever because I’m afraid to get in the game.

Are you in the game? I’m ready to get my head in the game.

Relationship 911: Unpacking Shame

April 25, 2017January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin LOVE

The ways we perceive the actions of others reflect how we see ourselves. I knew I had a problem with shame because of how I’d been treating my partner.

It began innocently enough.

“Are you really going to eat all of that?” I’d ask playfully, as if monitoring his eating would negate my own cravings.

“You did what in high school?” I’d gasp, appalled at whatever crazy anecdote came up. As if I were Mother Theresa.

I was looking at his past under the same negative microscope with which I judged my own. This served to confirm my belief that my mistakes made me a bad person.

Shame was deeply rooted in my relationship history, but I covered it with false bravado, impulsiveness and deflection. Subconsciously, I kept focus away from my own negative qualities by looking for them in others. Even in those I loved.

At the time, I saw this as a positive behavior. I would point to something I saw as a fault in my lover, then actively assert myself in “helping” him fix it. I thought that this made me a good partner. But in truth, I was anything but.

I didn’t know how to love someone without trying to improve him or her somehow – even if my words said otherwise, and even if I didn’t really want to change them. I couldn’t help myself. Judgment, blame and shame were all that I knew, even when life was good.

“Blame is [a] defensive cover-up for shame. Blame maintains the balance in a dysfunctional system when control has broken down.” – John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

I could say that I developed these habits because of my religious upbringing, where love came with conditions. Or I could blame my actions on past relationships, because they all seemed to have been dysfunctional in this way. But to actually solve the problem, I would have to look at the common denominator in these factors: me.

I didn’t know how to love myself without pretense or perfectionism. And because I didn’t take the time to admit this before I entered the relationship, it took a big toll on my partner. I was ruining my life, without even realizing it.

At the time, I was convinced that I was in the right. I believed that caring for people in spite of their shortcomings was the same as unconditional love. The very foundation of my relationships had been poisoned by shame. I acted defensively by default, manifesting of my own deepest fears. I truly loved my partner, but I was doing it wrong.

It took a great deal of therapy, self-reflection and rock bottom moments for me to finally have the guts to look in the mirror and acknowledge the fearful person staring back at me.

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Love and Obsession: How to Tell Them Apart and Leave One Behind

May 22, 2017January 22, 2024 by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

I’ve been the target and I’ve been the obsessed and neither of them feel great.

Scenario One: You can’t stop thinking about him. You go to sleep thinking about him and wake up wondering what he’s doing. When you wake up, you already have a message from him saying that he can’t stop thinking about you either.

You’re in new love!

Scenario Two: You can’t stop thinking about him. You go to sleep thinking about him and wake up wondering what he’s doing, and hope you’ll see him soon. You feel like your connection is so strong, you’ve just got to be together. You think you’re in love.

You’re not. You’re obsessed.

Obsession and unrequited love can seem extremely romantic, and are frequently romanticized in works of fiction. Love stories like The Princess Bride, Pretty in Pink, Edward Scissorhands and The Notebook all have love stories that originate in one-sided obsession. In many films, this single-minded pursuit is rewarded by the return of that love. In real life, that could happen, but more frequently it does not.

Music is rife with obsession- in Late Night, Maudlin Street, Morrissey (the OG romantic obsessive) says “I could list the detail of everything you ever wore or said or how you stood”- Stevin Merritt’s The Magnetic Fields lets a girl know that he’s just a fan who remembers every dress she ever wore. Pretty much all Evanescence songs are about obsession or stalking. Look out for fans of that band.

If you’re not loved back, obsession can lead to unhealthy attachment, stalking, or just profound unhappiness as the obsessed person refuses to let go of the object of attachment, perhaps believing that they have no power to do so, and missing out on other possible partners while they are blinded by their pursuit of one. In the circular logic of obsession, the obsessed person will sabotage new relationships to self-fulfill their belief that they can only be happy with the object of their obsession. “SEE, THERE IS NOBODY FOR ME BUT CARLA!”

Real love is much more practical than people think- attraction is magical and capricious, chemical in many ways, but in the day to day, love is something two people make together with words and deeds, because they are attracted to each other and care for each other, and it’s not something you can do with yourself. Like the tango, it takes two. If you say to yourself, “If only they knew how much I loved them…” you can stop right there. You’re not in love, you’re obsessed.

I’m Not Really Obsessed, Am I?

Sometimes the slide from normal crush to unhealthy obsession feels gradual, and you might not even notice- but if you’ve been interested in a person for a while, you’ve made your interest known, and it’s not returned- it’s time to back off and try to leave that idea behind. You’re not in love, because you don’t really know this person. You’re imprinting on some traits you like and filling in everything else with information of your own making. You’re in love with an idea of them, and that person you think you love likely doesn’t exist.

I’ve been the target and I’ve been the obsessed and neither of them feel good. If you know someone cares for you and you don’t feel the same way, you feel pity and guilt and can feel like a failure for not feeling the same way. If you’re obsessed with someone who doesn’t care for you, it feels like you’ll never care for anyone else.

A friend of mine was telling me about going to a wedding of a woman he was obsessed with, and how he thought it was important that he go and support the bride, even though it made him want to collapse as he stood in a room of happy people watching her pledge her eternal love for another man. He spoke about his feelings for her, the length and depth and passion of those feelings, and it would be easy to assume that she was an ex lover, but they had never been anything more than friends. This didn’t keep him from feeling betrayed, from being miserable, and from cutting other dating pursuits short because they failed to measure up to her, his impossible goal.

OK, I’m Obsessed. How Do I Get Out?

You might think that you’re stuck obsessing over someone, because they’re perfect for you and WHY DON’T THEY SEE THAT?, but you control your own mind and thoughts and feelings. You do! You can let go of obsessive thoughts and feelings and make healthier choices. Try the following:

Distance yourself from the object of your obsession, don’t go to places you know they are, don’t stop by their coffeeshop, etc. etc. If you’ve been stalking them on Facebook (which is sort of like an obsession machine in of itself), consider hiding or blocking them until you feel more clarity.
Don’t feed your obsessive thoughts.

Humans love being sad, or feeling sorry for ourselves- it is pleasurable to scratch that itch that makes us miserable. We also love being in love, and sometimes obsessive thoughts can feel like that, you can get a little shot of endorphin thinking about them. What if you see them today? Will they pursue you? Etc. But you do control your thoughts. Your thoughts are made by you. When you start thinking about the object of your obsession, try to let it go. Replace it. Have a thought or phrase handy ready to replace it, like a mantra. It can be something or nothing, it can be a nonsense phrase- just have something ready to reset your unhealthy thought cycle.

Distract yourself- with a new hobby, book, or activity. Go to the gym and concentrate on yourself. Don’t let idle thoughts go to the person.

Think of this as practicing good mental hygiene, keeping your brain clear- you’ll be amazed at how quickly you retrain your brain to stop dwelling on one person- and one day you’ll see them at the Trader Joe’s and be surprised at how ordinary and non-magical they seem! You’ll be more open to meeting people who like you back, and whom you can find something real with.

One Man Analyzed The World’s Languages to Discover At Least 14 Different Kinds of Love

February 28, 2018January 22, 2024 by Sarah Burrisin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

There are at least 14 different kinds of love that one man was able to uncover simply by analyzing the world’s languages.

Dr. Tim Lomas at the University of East London has been a lecturer in positive psychology for the past five years. In a report from The Conversation this month, Lomas explained that there is nothing more expansive than the feeling of love. It ranges from the love you have for your favorite pair of shoes to the love you have of your child or partner.

In the 1970s, psychologist John Lee put together his own identification of love. So, Lomas noted that he isn’t the first to look into the way the world loves. However, there’s more than just the six “styles” of love Lee developed, and Lomas has them.

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Check out the full article reprinted with permission from The Conversation below:

No emotion, surely, is as cherished and sought after as love. Yet on occasions such as Valentine’s day, we can often be misled into thinking that it consists solely in the swooning, star-crossed romance of falling deeply “in love.” But on reflection, love is far more complex. Indeed, arguably no word covers a wider range of feelings and experiences than love.

So how can we ever define what love really is? In my new study, published in the Journal for the Theory of Social Analysis, I’ve made a start by searching the world’s languages for words relating to love that don’t exist in English.

Most of us use the word love fairly liberally. I use it for the deep ardour, care and respect I have for my wife. But I will also call upon it to describe the unshakeable bonds of kinship and history I share with my family, and the connections and allegiances I have with close friends. I’ll even use it in relation to our cheeky dog Daisy, the music of Tom Waits, Sunday morning lie ins and many other things.

Clearly, whatever love is, it spans a great deal of emotional and experiential territory. Needless to say, I’m not the first to notice this. For instance, in the 1970s, the psychologist John Lee identified six different “styles” of love. He did so by studying other languages, in particular the classical lexicons of Greek and Latin, which boast a wealth of precise words describing specific kinds of love.

Lee identified three primary forms of love. “Eros” denotes passion and desire, “ludus” refers to flirtatious, playful affection, and “storgē” describes familial or companionate bonds of care. He then paired these primary forms to produce three secondary forms: ludus plus storgē creates “pragma,” a rational, sensible long-term accommodation. However, eros combined with ludus generates “mania,” signifying possessive, dependent, or troubled intimacies, while eros and storgē form the charitable, selfless compassion of “agápē.”

This analysis seems like a good start, but an incomplete one. After all, it mostly just concerns romantic partnerships, and doesn’t account for many of the feelings that fall within the ambit of love.

Untranslatable words

I decided to expand on this work as part of a broader lexicographic project to collect so-called “untranslatable” words that pertain to well-being, a work-in-progress which currently features nearly 1,000 words. Such words can reveal phenomena which have been overlooked or under-appreciated in one’s own culture, as I explore in two forthcoming books (a general interest exploration of key words, and an academic analysis of the lexicography). In the case of love, then, untranslatable words help us understand the bountiful variety of emotions and bonds that are in English subsumed within the one word “love.”

My enquiry yielded hundreds of words from around 50 languages (which of course leaves many languages still to be explored). I analysed these thematically, grouping the words into 14 distinct “flavours” of love. Some languages were particularly prolific in their lexical dexterity, especially Greek, which contributed the most words by far.

As such, in a spirit of poetic consistency, I gave each flavour a relevant Greek label. I call these “flavours” to avoid implying that relationships can be exclusively pigeonholed as constituting just one form. A romantic partnership, say, might blend several flavours together, generating a unique “taste” which might subtly change over time.

14 flavours

So, what are these flavours? The first three do not concern people at all. They refer to people’s fondness and passion for certain activities (meraki), places (chōros) and objects (eros). Note that this usage of eros reflects its deployment in classical Greece, where it was often used in the context of aesthetic appreciation rather than romance. Indeed, like love itself, all these words can be used in varied and changing ways.

Each of these flavours is a “compound” of related terms from various languages. For instance, the connection to place denoted by chōros is reflected in concepts such as “turangawaewae,” “cynefin” and “querencia” – from Māori, Welsh and Spanish respectively – which all pertain in some way to the sentiment of having a “place to stand” on this Earth, somewhere secure that we can call home.

When it comes to love between people, the first three are the non-romantic forms of care, affection and loyalty we extend towards family (storgē), friends (philia), and ourselves (philautia). Then, embracing romance, Lee’s notions of pragma, mania, and ludus are joined by the passionate desire of “epithymia,” and the star-crossed destiny of “anánkē.”

Again, these labels all bring together related terms from diverse languages. For instance, the spirit of anánkē is found in terms like the Japanese “koi no yokan,” which roughly means “premonition of love,” capturing the feeling on first meeting someone that falling in love will be inevitable. And likewise the Chinese term “yuán fèn” can be interpreted as a binding force of irresistible destiny.

Finally, there are three forms of selfless, “transcendent” love, in which one’s own needs and concerns are relatively diminished. These are the compassion of agápē, ephemeral sparks of “participatory consciousness,” such as when we are emotionally swept up within a group dynamic (koinonia), and the kind of reverential devotion that religious believers might hold towards a deity (sebomai).

Clearly, there any many ways we can love and be loved. You and your life partner might well experience feelings of epithymia, pragma, or anánkē, but may also – or alternatively, instead – be blessed with moments of storgē, agápē and koinonia. Likewise, a deep friendship could similarly be suffused with some mixture of flavours such as pragma, storgē, agápē and anánkē, in which we feel a profound and fated bond of lifelong connection.

Moreover, this list is merely preliminary, with other flavours potentially yet to be acknowledged. So hopefully we can be reassured that even if we are not romantically head-over-heels “in love” – in that archetypal Hollywood fashion – our lives may still be graced by love in some precious and uplifting way.

Falling in Love Onstage: Finding My Lover Through the Magic of Theatre

March 30, 2018January 22, 2024 by Rae Meghanin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I’ve been a performer for my entire life. Now, I’ve met my love thanks to the theatre.

A majority of my friends are involved in the theatre scene, which isn’t especially surprising since I was part of a theatre troupe in high school and studied theatre in New York City. It also isn’t especially surprising that the only people I’ve really dated have been involved in the entertainment world as well.

High school and college was filled with romantic drama surrounding my theatre crushes. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of falling for people that have played my onstage love interests a few times. Onstage chemistry is very important to me, and sometimes those feelings bleed into real life.

Do I always act on it? No. That would be unprofessional. But I have slipped up once or twice.

However, there was one time where it was actually successful. I met my dream man through my “Rocky Horror” shadowcast. Which was, in all honesty, something that I expected would happen since I was a kid. Rocky is incredibly important to me, and there’s no way I could have ever dated someone that didn’t like it.

I met Chris a little after I joined Rocky around last year. We had known of each other in passing at cons and such, but didn’t become friends at first. One of the few times we did talk was via Facebook message, where he gave me advice about how to construct a costume piece. I didn’t think anything of it.

Around the time I joined his cast was when we really became friends. I had a falling out with a few friends, so I turned to him for help getting through the tough time. We ended up quickly becoming best friends, with me staying at his house often and going on adventures constantly. He treated me well, but again, I didn’t think anything of it in a romantic sense.

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Then the on-stage romance began.

A few months into our friendship, I started playing Columbia. He plays Eddie, so it made perfect sense that he would be performing with me in my first show. I was so nervous about the performance, and I couldn’t put my finger on why. Something just felt weird about playing my best friend’s girlfriend. Maybe it was a subconscious thing, who knows.

Cut to a month later, and we’re dating. After a three-show day in late October (our prime season), we realized we had something more to our relationship and took it to the next level.

Now, Chris and I have performed together as Eddie and Columbia with three different casts, traveling as far as Toronto.

It’s an interesting life we have, being two performers who date, not to mention live together. Our life consists of making costume pieces, constantly practicing at home in front of the TV, and me reminding him which days he’s performing (I’ve become almost his Rocky secretary in that sense).

Before every show, we usually get ready at home, me sitting in front of a mirror for an hour trying to cover my eyebrows with a glue stick, and him making sure his beloved leather vest is good to go.

Doing Rocky on tour feels akin to being in a traveling circus, and it can be a very high-strung and energetic environment. For that, I am grateful for Chris. He keeps me grounded through all of the stress of performing, and it’s comforting to know that whenever I feel insecure or nervous on stage, he’s right up there with me.

Even when one of us isn’t performing, the other is usually in the audience showing support. The amount of pride I feel when I’m in the crowd watching him emcee a show is like nothing else, in fact, I usually tend to turn to the person next to me and say something along the lines of “He’s so weird. I’m so proud of him.”

Once the show’s over, and after we’ve had a traditional late night breakfast with our castmates, we usually go home and immediately pass out. We tend to spend the rest of the next day at home, doing chores and watching “Friday the 13th” movies like the homebodies we truly are. It’s important to find balance.

I’m eternally grateful for the life I currently live. I get to write all day, perform all night, and get to do it alongside the love of my life. It honestly everything I could have asked for, and it’s only the beginning. We have plans to travel all around the world to perform, and we hope to continue doing for as long as we possibly can.