Defining Cheating. What Is It to You?

April 28, 2016January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

I found myself getting anxious about a certain app that my partner uses, and spent weeks torturing myself.

Before cell phones, cheating was a series of deliberate actions: secretly flirting (in person), arranging times and places to meet (also in person), and then physically ‘doing the deed’ – definitely in person. But now, in the age of smartphones, is there such a thing as “modern monogamy?”

Back in the day, catching your spouse cheating was a dramatic and devastating event, because it all happened IRL. There were physical and emotional risks involved with cheating, which is why it was – and is – a serious heartbreaker.

Cheating used to have a relatively standard definition, for the majority of traditionally monogamous couples. It’s not so simple, nowadays. Now that Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and various texting apps have become so ingrained in our social lives…what is cheating, really? And what do we do if our partner defines it differently than we do?

At its most basic, cheating involves stepping outside the boundaries of your relationship. For many of us, sexual contact with another person is a definite no-no. But what about sending/receiving sexy photos on Snapchat? Or a romantically emotional affair with a close friend, via text messages? If your boyfriend is following a bunch of flirty, bikini-clad girls on Instagram, could that be considered cheating?

It depends. What is okay for one couple may not be okay for another. Relationships are a ‘choose your own adventure’ story – just don’t wait until the line is crossed to tell your partner where it is.

Because you are reading this article, perhaps you’ve been questioning whether you’ve cheated or been cheated on. The past cannot be changed, but taking a few simple steps can save you a lot of worry in the future. There are a million articles about cheating – how to catch it, how to do it, how to avoid it. Before you go into the ‘how-to,’ it’s probably best to establish the ‘what is.’

Problem: You’re uncomfortable and unsure about the boundaries of your relationship.

Solution: Ask your partner what cheating means for them. It’s that simple.

It can be hard to establish boundaries, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Most of us don’t want to come off as too serious, until we have to. But why wait until something goes wrong? It might not be sexy to talk about boundaries, but it can protect you from a lot of seriously un-sexy situations down the road.

If we find ourselves worried about our partner’s fidelity, it’s tempting to stifle our feelings because we don’t want to appear ‘needy’ or ‘paranoid.’ Unfortunately, suppressing our feelings can result in them manifesting down the line – jealousy, resentment, and insecurity will inevitably hurt you more than your partner. Trust goes both ways, but so does fear. You probably know when your partner is upset about something, even when they’re holding it in. Wouldn’t you rather know what’s the matter, before it gets out of hand?

In order to avoid breaking your partner’s trust (or vice versa), it’s important to establish boundaries early on. And it’s not just about your partner – ask yourself, what does cheating mean, for you? Define it for yourself, and then sit down with your loved one and ask them what they think. Remember – it’s a discussion, not an interrogation. Their definition may be different than yours, and the more you talk about it, the easier it will be to meet in the middle.

This conversation is not meant to “trap” them or force them to adopt your point of view. Talking about your worries (and allowing your loved one to voice theirs) is about loving. The goal is to reinforce mutual trust. Using “I” statements and reminding your partner how much you trust them can make all the difference.

Without trust, there is no love. And that can be difficult when there is no communication. Maybe your partner is just as worried as you are. Talking about boundaries can actually be a very freeing experience for both of you.

I recently had this conversation with my partner, and I am so glad I did. I found myself getting anxious about a certain app that my partner uses, and spent weeks torturing myself with negative self-talk and paranoid imaginings. I didn’t want to come off as jealous, so I did nothing. As a result, I caused my partner a lot of undue worry because I was acting so strangely. When I finally sat down with him to talk about the app, I was overwhelmed by how validating it was.

For me, cheating means purposely breaking a partner’s trust. Now that my spouse and I have consciously established what this means for us, I am even more confident that I don’t have to worry about it.

Being honest about your feelings is infinitely safer than acting on assumptions. Your partner most likely has their own set of rules based on their background. It may be completely different than yours, and that doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.

So what is “cheating,” for you? How have cell phones and social media changed the way you view monogamy? Share your thoughts in the comments, below. The more we learn about ourselves, the more we learn about each other.

The Things You Undervalue About Dating

June 9, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Cuddling, sharing, and happiness! These are just some of the things we can enjoy about dating someone.

1. By default, you always have someone to do things with.

2. And you can communicate using special eye-code when other people are around.

3. You get honest (read: invested) fashion advice.

4. And like, you finally have someone to make your choreographed dreams come true.

5. Sofa time is accompanied by hi-tech foot-warming technology.

6. There’s also the sweet, sweet relief of a simple hand-holding sesh.

7. You see a SIGNIFICANT improvement in meals…

And finally someone will appreciate your smooth moves in the kitchen.

8. …and twice the manpower for cleaning up (and other boring chores)!

9. Let’s not forget: Joint. Streaming. Accounts.

Guilty pleasures are best shared!

10. In fact, sharing things in general…

11. …and saving $$$ as a result!

(AKA money left over to do even more things together!)

12. Your knowledge improves from adopting their smarts and interests…

13. …and so does your hygiene.

14. Let’s not forget the comfort of sleeping with your S.O.’s shirt while they’re away.

Bonus points if you have a pet — you get all their attention too!

15. Just having someone special to hug and hold is awesome…

…and best of all, even staycations in your sweatpants can be considered sexy.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Have Something Uncomfortable to Share? Here is When

July 28, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

After a long stint of online dating, Gemma Halliday had finally found the needle in the haystack she’d been looking for: an attractive, gainfully employed guy with “nothing weird or scary about him” — or so she thought.

“He seemed really nice,” the 31-year-old romance novelist from Los Gatos, California, says of her first phone call with the suitor. He even had “cereal-commercial cute” kids and a picture-perfect home. Halliday learned something else, too.

The man also had a wife — who was in a coma.

“At first I was a little shocked,” Halliday says. “It was very ‘Desperate Housewives.’ In the back of my mind it was like, ‘What happens if she wakes up?’ ”

When to drop the bomb

As strange as the news was, Halliday appreciated his honesty. “Had he waited to tell me, I would have felt he was hiding something,” she says.

Undeterred, she decided to meet the guy for a coffee date, but as it turned out, “the chemistry just wasn’t there,” she says.

But for other daters with secrets — a history of sexually transmitted diseases, a conviction for drunken driving, an obsession with “Star Trek” — the tell-and-then-kiss approach doesn’t necessarily work.

Take Tony Gilbert, 46, from Los Angeles. Throughout his 20s and 30s the body-care products salesman suffered from severe psoriasis, a red, scaly skin condition that covered 20 percent of his body. Besides the itching and discomfort, there was the painful matter of having to tell a date that things might look a little “unsightly” but that “it’s not contagious.”

Rather than share those details over an initial cup of coffee, “I got to know [the person] first, and if I thought we might get intimate, I would tell them,” says Gilbert, who is now married and completely psoriasis-free, thanks to medication he has been taking for five years.

Good decision, says Kimberly Flemke, a therapist on staff with the Philadelphia-based Council for Relationships, a nonprofit relationship-counseling group.

“If you have a big secret, you want to have that trust established first so you know that the person is going to honor your privacy,” she says. “You can’t do that in a new relationship because you don’t know the other person yet.”

How soon is too soon?

Besides, waiting to reveal a potential deal breaker such as herpes or $300,000 in credit-card debt is just good dating decorum, says syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage, author of “The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family.”

“You don’t want someone to reveal too much at first because that itself is a deal breaker,” he says. “If somebody sits down on the first date and says, ‘I’m into spanking,’ even if you are into spanking, [too], you might react negatively to that.”

On the flip side, “withholding information like ‘I’m a cross-dresser’ till the wedding night” is bad form, he says. Once you’re seeing the person a few times a week and sleeping together, it’s time to come clean about any secrets that could affect the relationship.

Even then, Flemke says, there are no guarantees your secret will be met with open arms.

Jude Chosnyk, a 48-year-old technical writer from Seattle, can attest to this. Once she became sexually involved with her then-boyfriend, he revealed that he thought he was “a woman in a man’s body” and began wearing women’s underwear and stockings to bed.

“At first I thought it was a fantasy thing,” says Chosnyk, who didn’t mind a little role-playing. But then, “it kind of overtook the relationship, especially in the bedroom. It turned me off, and that’s why I broke up with him.”

Context is everything

When spilling the beans, giving your secret a bit of context can greatly help your case, Flemke says.

“Instead of dropping a bomb and watching the person sit there and absorb the information, say that if you didn’t see the relationship going somewhere, you wouldn’t have said anything,” she explains.

It’s perfectly acceptable to tell your partner you’re nervous about how your big reveal might impact the relationship, she adds. That way, your partner’s likely to have “a little more compassion and empathy.”

Caitlin Weaver, 29, is banking on this.

After breaking off her engagement to her fiancé and canceling the wedding earlier this year, Weaver, who runs a financial research institute in New York, started an anonymous blog about her newfound singledom.

“The idea was to chronicle my commitment to staying single for six months,” she says. “But the problem is that now I have started dating someone, and I’ve been blogging about him.”

Her solution? To stop blogging about her boyfriend (although she still blogs about other aspects of her life) and fess up that she did. “We weren’t serious when we started dating,” says Weaver, who has been with her beau a couple of months and hopes the back story — that she started her blog as a way to “process” how she feels about dating — will help soften the blow.

“I think the fact that I do want to tell him means that we’ve built up some trust,” she says. Now, “it’s just a question of if the blog is a big deal to him.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

LOVE Lessons to Know from Top Achievers

August 9, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Business owners can offer insightful — and inspiring — love advice.

There’s something pretty damn inspiring about CEOs. Not only because they were able to master their field and rise to the top, with many coming from very little, but also because of the sheer amount of passion, dedication and well, faith, that comes with the job title. When you consider your professional goals, you might have ‘run your own company’ somewhere toward the top, and for good reason: the benefit of being in charge of your professional future (and of the team reporting to you) is exciting and liberating. But what about being in control of your love life, too?

While having a successful resume and love life aren’t quite the same, they do require those same qualities: passion, dedication, and faith. That’s why business owners can offer insightful — and inspiring — love advice. They’ve not only had to learn how to manage that unattainable work/life balance, but they’ve discovered how to start, run, and flourish in something they love.

Here, nine CEOs share their best piece of dating advice. Who knows, it might just be the pro tip that helps you rise to the top of your latest match’s Tinder feed (or take your existing relationship to a new level):

1. When You’re With Someone You Love, Be Present

“I log over 150,000 miles a year traveling the world for ARIIX. The best piece of advice I have learned from running ARIIX is to make my husband and children my number one priority. In order for me to maintain a proper work/life balance I specifically carve out time between trips to be with my husband and children, after all they are the ones that keep me going. Whenever I am at home with them, I make it a point to be present — usually we have at least one meal together with a ‘no shop-talk’ rule, and I keep my phone upstairs.” -Deanna Latson, founder and chief product officer of ARIIX

2. Try Not to Rush Toward The Finish Line

“As a married mom and an entrepreneur, I try to remember that what I’m signed up for is a marathon not a sprint. In both life and work, I’m trying to build something really solid that will last. Some Saturdays, I’m not at home because I’ve prioritized work — but I often walk out of the offices earlier than other team members in order to make bath time and bedtime (and my husband does as well).” -Jennie Ripps, CEO and founder of The Owl’s Brew

3. Be With Someone Who Loves What You Love

“I’ve been in two serious relationships since starting my company nearly 20 years ago. There is a stark contrast between the two, and the biggest differing factor was an interest in what my company does. Find someone who has a genuine interest in what you do.

In my past relationship, the woman I was with had zero interest. She could not understand my frustrations, my wins and my losses. She didn’t care. The problem with this sort of relationship is that the company is the CEO’s baby. It’s as if she had no interest in my son.

I am now married to my best friend, who understands my company inside and out. She is a partner in so many different ways and constantly has good advice and completely understands every challenge, every win, and every loss.

This is so important because there is only one person in the world who has no ulterior motives and has only my best interests at heart. I’ve heard CEOs say their employees are like family, but I believe that’s only because their family doesn’t get what they do. Nothing can replace a true partner in life.” -Jeremy Shepard, founder of Pearl Paradise, Inc.

4. Find A Routine That Lets You Play

“Managing my love life and my business has always been a challenge for me but I’ve gotten better at it over the years. My best advice is to get on a routine and stick with it. Set boundaries for yourself around your business and make dedicated time per week for your love life that will not hamper your chances of success with building your company.

What works for me is working late every night and getting home at 9:30 p.m. That being said, Friday afternoons and Sunday afternoons are set aside for making deposits into my relationship.

This way nobody is surprised or caught off guard and you and your significant other can fall into a rhythm and not feel cheated. The reality is to make it in today’s tough business world your business is probably going to have to be your priority or at least tied for top priority along with your relationship.” -Bryan Clayton, CEO of GreenPal

5. Get Out Of Your Head And Talk To Strangers!

“While running your daily errands, at a cafe or on your morning commute (whether it be on a train platform, parking your car or even waiting to cross the street), force yourself to smile at the intriguing stranger next you and simply utter the word, ‘Hi.’ You really have absolutely nothing to lose except an opportunity.” -Lori Cheek, CEO and founder of Cheekd

6. Don’t Treat Your Partner Like A Business Partner

“Through the years of running various companies, I’ve realized that you cannot treat your significant other like you would someone in your business life. What do I mean by this? If you send your significant other a Google Calendar invite, or otherwise directly schedule them into your day in your calendar even if it’s an 8 p.m. dinner date, the reaction you get back will not be pleasant!

Your significant other wants to know that they are special to you and you will not treat scheduling time with them in the same way that you treat your business meetings. Let’s face it — we all do it just to stay organized, especially as our days get more packed. But, perhaps think of another way of remembering those date nights!” -Keith Shields, CEO of Designli

7. Try Your Best To Remain Flexible

“There are a lot of parallels between marriage and running a company. The best advice for both is to be flexible. The only certainty in marriage and business is change and those who can adjust, change and constantly improve will be happy at home and successful in business. Don’t be afraid of change or obstacles, embrace them and you will grow and prosper!” -Nick Braun, Founder & CEO, PetInsuranceQuotes.com

8. Listen To Your Partner And Celebrate The Little Things

“Running a business and love are very similar. The number one key to doing either successfully is mastering the art of communication. Listening to the other person, repeat what you heard for clarification, removing ego, understanding what the end result looks like, and willing to be wrong to achieve that end result.

It’s also important to celebrate the little wins. In business, we sometimes forget to celebrate our victories, and in relationships we forget to appreciate the small things.” -Austin Iuliano, CEO of Snapchatmastery.com

9. Remember You Don’t Have To Do It Alone

Maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend has been very difficult, but has ultimately strengthened our bond. As a business owner and also entrepreneur I have gone through some crazy highs (receiving funding to grow the business) to some very difficult lows such as getting unjust lawsuits filed against the business. This has ultimately affected our relationship and really made us go through really difficult times in a very short period of time.

My best advice though came from when I realized that I wasn’t the only one feeling this struggle of the lowest lows. As a business owner, I felt like I was the one feeling all of the burden and stress that came from owning a business, but I wasn’t. My number one fan was right there alongside me feeling every pain that I was feeling. Both of us didn’t try to fake putting on a strong face and be the one who said ‘it will all be OK.’ We went through the most difficult times and we did it together — she’s got my back and I’ve got hers!” -Ryan Chan, CEO and Founder at UpKeep

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

You Want a Relationship: How to Avoid Those Who Don’t

October 3, 2016January 22, 2024 by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Does your partner flip on you, very affectionate one day and cold the next?

Your friend gets engaged. Another friend gets engaged. Two friends move in together. Another friend is on vacation with a guy she met three months ago.

You check your phone.

You don’t have a response back from a text you sent last night.

What’s going on? Why does your boyfriend keep saying he’s busy and that you expect too much? Well, he’s not your boyfriend officially, but you’ve been dating for a couple of months, so at some point he’ll be your boyfriend, right?

Congratulations! You’re dating an attachment avoidant!

Does this sound like your partner?
“My partner always seems to be comparing me unfavorably to some past, or ideal future partner”
“My partner flips on me, very affectionate one day and cold the next.”
“My partner seems to find it difficult to emotionally connect with or support me.”
“My partner gets uncomfortable when I get too close.”

Conversations with an avoidant:

A: “I’m surprised that you’re angry that I was seeing (other friend), I thought you knew I was seeing other people.”
B: “Of course I knew you were seeing other people, you kept giving me your address and asking how my weekend was over and over and re-introducing me to your cat, and sending non sequitur texts that you were also sending to other people, and going offline for long periods of time. What is it that you want?”

A: “Oh, I don’t like to stay in anything too long if it’s not working.”
B: “It seems like you planned for failure- I didn’t hear from you much, and we weren’t really building on any kind of intimacy, because you didn’t want it. Romantic attachment is not something that just happens to you, like winning a lottery or being hit by a bus. It’s something two compatible people who like each other build. If you’re just running through women looking for the ‘right’ one who will make you have emotions, that’s not going to work.”

It sometimes feels like everyone on the dating scene is an attachment avoidant. That’s just because avoidants are busy meeting new people, like Alice’s White Rabbit, they’re always late for another date! Although it’s hard to believe, they only represent 25% of the general population.
50% of adults have a “secure” dating style, they’re people with healthy boundaries who aren’t afraid to connect with the right person, and who are actively looking for that connection. 25% are “anxious”, people who are obsessed with connection and overly concerned about their partner’s love and fidelity, and 25% are “avoidants”, who are always looking to meet but never to connect.
It can feel like everyone on the internet is an Avoidant because:

Secure people tend to enter into healthy, balanced relationships, and they tend to stay in them for long periods of time. If you meet one, it’s because they’ve left a long relationship, not because they just “have been dating around” for a decade.

Avoidants tend to bounce out of relationships pretty quickly, and they don’t date other avoidants, because if two people are avoiding returning a text, that fizzles out pretty quickly.
Avoidants see most people as “crazy” or “anxious” or “clinger stage 5” because they see healthy interest in another person as something to be avoided.

What do I do to stop dating attachment avoidants?

First thing– let go of the idea that it is naïve or old-fashioned to want a relationship. Relationships make us live longer, happier, more fulfilled lives.

Second thing– They say that the only way to find a prince is to kiss a million frogs. Your path to meeting someone who actually wants to get to know you and have a relationship is through filtering avoidant partners. Call ‘em f*ckbois, call ‘em ghosters, call ‘em whatever you want, but stop calling ‘em:

If you meet someone who says “All my exes are crazy.”

Or “You want to know if we’re dating? I really don’t like labels.”
Or “I need a lot of space.”
Or “Work’s so busy, I don’t have time for anything serious.”
Or “Women are always trying to trap guys into relationships.”
Or “I’m not ready to commit” (even after dating for months or years)

Just stop interacting with them. You don’t owe them anything. Keep meeting new people. When you meet someone you like who’s clear about wanting to see you again, who makes plans and keeps them, who listens to you and shares intimate details with you, think about continuing to see that person.

I was talking with a friend, and she told me a story about “my boyfriend, but he isn’t really my boyfriend, he’s just a guy I’m sleeping with, you know. I mean, who has a boyfriend anymore?”

I told her that I had one.

She asked, “How did you do that?” She thought maybe I had some grandfather clause or a deal with the devil.

I told her, “I have a new rule I’m following, and it’s simple: I don’t have sex with people who don’t want to be with me.”

She stared at me wide-eyed.

I continued: “I know it sounds weird and unachievable, but it isn’t. I met someone who was secure and who cared about me, and who wanted to be in a relationship. Before that, I made out with a couple people, and kissed lots of people, but I didn’t have sex with anyone until I met someone who really wanted to be with me. I’m not missing anything but a series of disappointing partners, feelings of rejection, and being made to feel unreasonable for wanting something more.”

It’s totally OK to date casually, but it’s also OK to want something more. Don’t listen to people who tell you differently. Date to find the people worth keeping, and move on from partners who don’t want the same thing that you do!

Based on quotes from Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Protecting from Dangerous Cyber Encounters

October 4, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

The UK’s National Crime Agency recently reported that sexual assault associated with online dating had increased by six-hundred percent. That’s a shocking statistic at odds with what has become an accepted way to meet people romantically. And while many individuals have had pleasant, or at least neutral experiences with online dating, those promoting the activity are often simultaneously selling it.

Mary Aiken sees herself as a bulwark against the commercialism of romantic encounters. Her aim is not to tear down technology that has widened our social circles marvelously, but merely to balance what she calls “the army of marketers” telling us that cyberspace is good. What is not good, says Aiken, or at least very different from normal behavior, is how quickly we disclose personal details online.

Called “hyper personal interaction,” it is well documented that people disclose personal details at double the rate the normally would when they are online. What results is a false sense of intimacy between two people, and while this feeling may aid the romantic connection promised by dating services, it can equally result in misunderstandings. And sometimes those misunderstandings occur over serious matters such as one person’s desire to become physically intimate.

Of the sexual assaults documented by Britain’s crime agency, “71 percent of these assaults took place on the first date and either in the home of the victim or the offender,” says Aiken. It is not the case that sex offenders have migrated en masse to online dating platforms. Instead, navigating new social rules introduced by the Internet is complicated. Though to be clear, sex without consent is a crime.

When a cyber encounter moves offline into the real world, there are four identities parties must navigate: two real identities and two cyber identities, i.e. avatars that present an idealized version of an individual often for the purpose of attracting a mate. Unfortunately, sex crimes that result from online dating are likely to be unreported, partly because victims fear their online exchanges will compromise their case. If anybody has been a victim of a sexual assault associated with online dating, however, it is essential to report it immediately.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

My Crush Method Protection

October 13, 2016January 22, 2024 by Eliza Hurwitzin LOVE

I blame it on my grandparents.

I think I’ve always had an idealized image of love and relationships. Part of the blame goes to Hollywood, with romantic comedies being a staple of my childhood. But I place the rest of the blame on my grandparents. They were high school sweethearts and were still completely and totally in love with each other. They would go on walks together every morning. Run their daily errands together. Watch Jeopardy together. Their days were spent, side by side, and the mundane errands never seemed to be mundane to them. I assumed it was simply because being together was joy enough. One of my favorite things they had hung up on their fridge, next to the artwork from me and my brothers and sisters and cousins, was a “Love Is…” comic strip by Kim Casali that said “Love is Having Someone to Hug.” Just like their relationship, it was simple, sweet and perfect. It was exactly what I wanted.

I clung to this notion of the perfect relationship desperately and because of these firm convictions and my stubbornness, I didn’t date in high school or college. I rarely even considered it. Though I would develop crushes, they never panned out, because as soon as I found a flaw, I would end it. If I couldn’t imagine growing old with him, taking a morning stroll together, it was over before it began and I would wonder why I was still without love. I remember one guy in my photography class in college; he had long hair and I felt a connection with him immediately. He was nice and seemed smart; there really was nothing wrong with him! I sensed that he liked me, but when he asked me out I declined. I had somehow convinced myself that he was pretentious. Another guy I went on a couple of dates with was a little too short for my liking…The thing is, I’m 5’1 so why would I bother being so picky about a vertical challenge that I suffered from too?!

Other times I would develop crushes on guys who were clearly disinterested. One crush in particular was on and off for 3 years. This is just way too long, but you can’t help your emotions. I had no reason to develop a crush on this guy. We barely ever spoke. He was shy. I was shy. He was from my hometown and I would only see him when I returned home from college for the summer and holiday breaks. Because of our lack of communication, I was able to create this long, unspoken, but deep connection between us. I call this the crush method form of protection. For someone who wanted a relationship, but didn’t really want a relationship, the crush method was perfect and non-threatening. Without any actions, there could be no consequences. Looking back, however, I realize these crushes were just another way of protecting myself from a committed relationship. I was letting fear decide my fate. Why take a risk on a relationship, I thought, if it wasn’t going to last? My mom would tell me that I was too picky and had my standards set too high. Although part of me knew this was true, I was unwilling to let go of the idea of a perfect romance.

By the time I was in my mid-twenties, I still hadn’t had a serious relationship. I started to feel embarrassed and worried that love just wasn’t in the cards for me. I was on all the dating apps and sites, to no avail. I was ready to give up and resign to a life alone until I realized that maybe, just maybe, my mom was right. Perhaps I was being too picky. It was time to lower my unrealistic expectations. But if let go of my standards, would I also have to let go of my idyllic, romantic notion of love? I was willing to give it a shot, but had a feeling it would prove difficult. After all, this was a belief that I was practically born with.

Fortunately, I quickly realized that this wasn’t a notion I had to let go of. What I did have to let go of was taking dating so seriously. By doing so, I was setting unrealistic expectations that every date would/should end in a lasting relationship. It wasn’t until I started dating for the fun of it, rather than finding the absolute perfect person, that I was able to find love. I did have to date a couple of duds in the process, though. There was a guy who was a terrible listener. Another guy who seemed lazy and unmotivated, and didn’t seem to have goals or ambition. Not only did those duds helped me realize what I want and need out of a relationship, but they also showed me that no one is perfect, everyone has flaws, but despite that, there is something redeemable in us all. The bad listener was so funny and fun to go out with. He would tell me long stories about his past, his family, and his childhood that would never cease to make me laugh. But I grew tired of his inability to hear me when it was my turn to speak. This, in my opinion, was selfishness. I learned that listening is a trait I care most about. Though the lazy guy couldn’t tell me one future goal of his or even past accomplishment, he had a vast knowledge of music. He had some passion, though it didn’t translate to any action. Still, I learned a lot. Because I opened myself up to the dating world, I knew what I was looking for in another person, and I found him. A good listener. A kind person. Someone to make me laugh. A hard worker. No, he wouldn’t meet my unrealistic expectations set in my early teen years, which was basically a mixture of Prince Charming and Jake Gyllenhaal. He’s short. He’s funny. He’s incredibly messy! No he wasn’t perfect. But neither am I. Nor is our relationship joyous and happy all the time, as I imagined my grandparents to be, but it’s ours and because of that, it is perfect. Though the person you love may be different than you’d expected, your relationship should be exactly how you envision it.

Dating Across Cultures: The Reasons This Woman Did

November 11, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

What are the reasons why we find love with the Indians?

A Jewish friend of mine remarked once, only half joking, that he believed Indians are the true Chosen People. With no offense to Moses, I had to agree. I lived in India for about three years and my husband (currently known as my husPad, thanks to his appropriating the iPad he “gave me,” — but that is another column) is from New Delhi, which, in addition to providing me with lots of Indian friends and in-laws, have given me a pretty good perspective on the desirability of the people from the world’s largest democracy — and how to woo them.

Before getting to “how,” let’s start with “why.” There are obvious reasons one would want to date an Indian, such as how successful and professionally desirable they are. Indians dominate as engineers, doctors, lawyers, venture capitalists and entrepreneurs. They make up a large proportion of our graduate students — just walk around the campuses of Harvard, Columbia or Stanford or and you will see these incredibly attractive brown people all over the place. Which leads to point number two. Indian people tend to be really good looking. According to Wikipedia*, “India holds the highest number of Miss World winners, only to be tied with Venezuela.” (*That feels a little like citing The National Enquirer but I am going to go with it.)

Most Indians are innately gracious, social creatures; they highly value friends and family and have a calendar filled with various holidays and occasions to celebrate, which they typically do with gusto. Those endless jubilant dance numbers in Bollywood movies pretty much channel the Indian soul. Moreover, Indian men love to dance. If for no other reason other than you want someone to dance with you (or without you for that matter), date an Indian.

Ok, now that the stock for single Indians is up, you need to be on your game if you want to date one. If you are Indian, you can skip the rest of this post and spend the next four minutes savoring your desirability. If you are not Indian, keep reading to learn seven things that should ingratiate you with them. The first five have to do with Bollywood. Indians take Bollywood and their celebrities very seriously.

1. SRK

Two things you need to know about these initials. One, SRK is short hand for Shahrukh Khan, one of India’s premiere Bollywood celebrities. Two, you must have an opinion about him. He is a polarizing figure. Indians either love him or hate him.

2. Favorite actor

If you are pinched for time, you can simply claim SRK is your favorite and move on. But, if you want to take some initiative, I highly recommend you familiarize yourself with some Bollywood actors and choose a favorite. Some safe, attractive possibilities: Salman Khan, Aamir Khan, Hrithik Roshan and Amitabh Bachchan. Kal Penn does not count.

3. Favorite actress

See above. You need to have a favorite. You could claim that it is Aishwarya Rai, who is familiar to most Americans, although you will then be suspect as Aishwarya, while extremely beautiful and successful, is a pain in the neck. She has a reputation for being a major diva. Better options: Rani Mukherjee or Kareena Kapoor.

4. Favorite Hindi movie

It should be obvious by now that you need to have a favorite Hindi movie. If you bust out something like, “Yea, I loved Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,” you are very likely to get a second date. If not something straight out of the Kama Sutra. One strong recommendation: “3 Idiots”. It’s a newish film with crossover appeal. Major bonus points if you suggest seeing a Hindi movie together. Most major cities have theaters that screen Bollywood films otherwise you can easily stream one through Netflix, etc.

5. Bhangra

Bhangra is the percussion-heavy music that is featured in most Bollywood films. It has an irresistible beat that will motivate even the most dance-phobic types to hit the floor. Showing an appreciation for Bhangra will score you points. Finding a place that plays Bhangra music and going there together is sure to get you something straight from the Kama Sutra, especially if you exhibit the right dance moves, i.e. patting an imaginary dog while screwing in an imaginary light bulb.

6. Food

Indians love their food. Probably more than they love dancing. Unless you are willing to take some serious initiative in the kitchen, plan to go out for an Indian meal. Although this can be tricky. Many Indians would agree that it is often tough to find a good Indian restaurant, even in major cities. If you want to be adventurous and score some points, I suggest you try cooking him/her a few Indian dishes. You can get the basic spices in most grocery stores. I’m happy to share a dal recipe that is unbelievably tasty. (Really, it is called “Mrs. B’s Magic Dal.”)

7. Language

Indians love when you speak their language. (Note: there are hundreds of languages spoken in India. Aside from English, Hindi is the most prevalent but not all Indians speak Hindi so you might have to determine his/her native tongue.) Before we got together, Sanjay was greatly amused by my reciting various things in Hindi to him. I got a tourist book and told him among other things, that I was missing my green socks. Now there are several iPhone apps that will give you translations. I suggest you pick up a few and break them out at an appropriate time, probably somewhere well into the second date. You don’t want your date to think that if things go south, you will resort to stalking.

Good luck and let me know how these suggestions work out. I hope Laxmi, Goddess of Prosperity, smiles on you as you endeavor to date one of her people.

Oh yea, I almost forgot to mention: one more big bonus when it comes to dating an Indian: communication with cabbies. Think I’m kidding? New Yorkers: Just imagine if you could stop a taxi during the 4pm transition time and your date could say, in Hindi, “Hey brother, will you please take us to Spring and 6th?” You’d find Laxmi did indeed smile upon you.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What 2016 Taught Me About Love: A Widow’s Perspective

December 31, 2016January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin LOVE

If there is one thing I have learned and continue to learn from my husband’s sudden death, it is that Love Heals. It’s true.

In the summer of 2011, I thought I already knew everything about love. After all, I was 35 years old, and very happily married for 4 years, 9 months, and counting. It had taken me such a long time to find my soul-mate, my best friend, my everything – and I had already been through traumas and past relationships an boyfriends that were absolutely awful and that weighed heavily on my heart.Most of the men previous to my husband that I had been with, did not treat me too well. And then there were the ones I wasn’t with. None of the good guys were ever interested in me. They always wanted my skinnier, blonder, smaller friends. I had been through rejection so many times – un-returned love – that phrase: I love you as a friend – it could have been my bumper sticker. So after all that, I was finally gifted with this beautiful and loving and decent and kind and inspiring man, who wanted nothing more in life than to spend every day finding more ways to make me safe and happy. And we would love each other and laugh together and grow old together and live in NYC and then retire in Florida, and live happily ever after. Well, that was the plan.

Yeah. I knew everything I needed to know about love.

Until I didn’t.

On July 13th, 2011, everything that I thought I knew about life and about love, got tossed into a blender on high-speed, and hasn’t stopped spinning since. For that was the day that life, as I knew it, stopped. My beautiful husband of 4 years and 9 months, who was just 46 years old and had zero symptoms or warnings, left for work and never came home. He went into cardiac arrest, and they found him collapsed on the floor. Massive heart-attack. His life gone, and mine forever changed. I was about to learn so many new things about love, whether I wanted to or not.

2016 was my fifth year without him. It was, by far, the year that was filled with the most amount of changes, transitions, emotions, and questions. I had a lot of “firsts” in my 5th year of life without my husband. For the first time since his death, I could actually begin to see and feel what it might be like to consider the possibility of someone else. I met someone in a completely unexpected way, where neither one of us was pursuing the other, but there was a very natural connection between us as we continued to talk and get to know one another. We met in person this past spring, and face to face, that connection was undeniable. Because he is also widowed, we shared special moments together such as going to visit his wife at the cemetery, and going to my husband’s favorite beach in Florida, where I had scattered his ashes. I had my first kiss since my husband’s death, with this person, and it was really quite lovely. I was so afraid that kissing someone else would feel weird, wrong, or incredibly sad. But it was none of those things. It was special and in the moment and somehow in slow-motion, and I could feel my husband’s presence there, and he was insanely happy for me. I think I heard him breathing a sigh of relief for me. All the things that I had feared, about having feelings for someone else, turned to dust. Like I said, I thought I knew all there was to know about love. But before my husband’s shocking death, I actually knew very little. Here are just a few of the bigger lessons I learned about love, in the year 2016:

It’s Possible to Get Butterflies Again

Remember that feeling of being 16 or 17, and going out with a boy that you really liked a lot, and your stomach did these sort of flips and went upside down and back around again, and you felt like you were floating on a cloud? Yeah. I had no idea that it was possible to feel that again at age 44, and as a widow, to boot! When I met my widower friend in Florida this past spring, I felt exactly that, and it was magical. It was also kind of hilarious. After spending almost an entire day together driving around to different places in his truck, and being treated like a lady by the most genuine gentleman I had ever witnessed, he drove me back to my parent’s friend’s house where I was staying, and we stood next to his truck and said goodnight. The front light went on as we were out there, which I found hysterically funny. Even funnier was walking into the house, where my mom’s friend anxiously awaited my news. “So … how was it? Was there that same connection in person? Did he kiss you?” – “I think I kissed him!”, I responded, giggling like a teenager. I can’t explain it, but something took over that night, and that week, inside me. It was like I had this courage in saying and acting upon how I was feeling. I had no problem at all telling this person that I wanted him to kiss me, and I had no problem being flirtatious and slightly forward, in the hopes of that happening. The “other” me would have never done something like that. I would have been way too afraid, too shy, and too concerned with what he would think about me. But let me tell you something – nothing is as terrifying as losing your love and the life you knew, and having to start over again, when you don’t even want to. Having to live life again, when everything inside you just wants to lay down and stop the pain. Everything else pales in comparison. So taking a chance and going in to kiss someone, because I really like them, and it feels nice? Sure. Why the hell not?

Modern Day Dating is a Shit-Show

So, as it turns out, this wonderful man who I still have this beautiful connection and growing friendship with, is not yet in a place to label us as something, or to take that risk on love or a relationship. So, we continue to build and marinate in what we now have, and we see what happens. In the meantime, spending time with him in person opened me up to the realization that I no longer wish to be alone in this life. I will love my husband forever and he will always be my soul-mate, but the heart expands for more love, and humans were not meant to be alone. The thought of not having someone to share life with, ever again, just makes me feel awful inside. So, on the suggestion of my grief-counselor back in April, I joined a couple of dating sites, in the hopes of having some light-hearted and casual fun again, and maybe going on some nice dates again, and feeling attractive and wanted again, because those were things that were now awakened inside me. I wanted more.

Dating sites are not for the faint of heart. I learned this pretty quickly after joining them. People communicate differently today. To me, it’s barely communicating at all. Most of the men don’t want to actually TALK – they just want to get your phone number IMMEDIATELY, and then text endlessly until one of us dies. Whenever I would mention meeting up in person, they would run away like little boys and disappear forever. (I’m guessing most of them were probably married and looking for a discreet side-piece. Yuck.) You run into all types on there. Lots of liars. Lots of guys who don’t know what the hell they want at all. Guys who will talk up 4 or 5 women at the same time, then just stop contact with the ones who probably won’t sleep with him immediately. There are mean people, nice people, weird as hell people, people with unbelievably strange sexual fetishes that they feel comfortable telling you about after a 5 minute chat on the site. (I could have done without knowing that Jerry from Long Island wants to sniff my dirty feet and panties, for example. Eewwwww.) There are people who will hurt you and say mean things, just because they can. My very first date from the dating sites, sent me a text the day after our date, to inform me that we will not be going out again, because “I don’t date fat girls, and you’re fat. You don’t look fat in your profile pic, but you are.” I told him that he didn’t look like an asshole in his profile picture, but he is. It wasn’t all bad though. Really. I grew a thicker skin being on those sites, and I realized pretty quickly that none of it was about me. The way people act, the way they treat women, how they behave – all of that is a reflection on them, not me. And for all the jerks and the guys who were mean or just disappeared entirely, I met many more both in person and in chatting, that were simply just nice and down to earth people. I had a couple of really nice dates, and one that blossomed into a great friendship that I think will be a life-long one. There were quite a few guys on the sites who genuinely thought I was beautiful, and who found me attractive. This did wonders for my ego, which was so wounded by my husband’s death, and by going 5 years without anyone wanting me or saying I look pretty or that they miss me or love hearing my voice or seeing my face. In the end, going on the dating sites gave me evidence that other men in the world, besides my dear husband, would find me desirable again. It gave me some of my confidence back, and that is a beautiful thing.

Having Your Heart Broken Really Sucks

So after a couple of months on the dating sites, I met someone. Another widower (I’m sensing a pattern here) here in NY. We began talking, and then met in person a few weeks later. Things went well. I knew early on that this was not a person I would end up with long-term, for several reasons, but he made me feel good about myself. He couldn’t keep his hands off me, and for a girl who was told her whole life I love you as a friend, it felt kind of amazing. I got lost in it. I let the tiny little red-flags that I felt pinging in my heart about him slide, because it felt so damn good to feel wanted and sexy again. My heart cried out for him and felt for him, because he is a widower, and his loss was so sudden and tragic, and his story tugged at my heart. I treated his heart with extra gentle care, always being 100% honest with him about my intentions and where we were headed, because I never wanted to be the person that caused him additional pain. We drifted into a relationship with each other, and for the first time since my husband’s death, I was intimate again. The sex was new and exciting and often, and I brought him into parts of my life that are special to me. He met my friends. He met my widowed community, and I took him with me to the support/social group I run for widowed people through Soaring Spirits International. We continued our relationship for about 5 months, and then things ended rather abruptly and badly. He lied about a lot of things. He tried to make a fool of me. He replaced me in a hot second, with another widow even, and in the cruelest of ways. I’m pretty sure he was seeing her while he was also with me, which means he was cheating and not being honest with me for months. The worst part of all this, is that he refused to acknowledge ANY of it, and didn’t respond to my attempts to get some clarity on why he would do this to me. I was not in love with him, but I did love him. As a human being. As a friend. As my first relationship and intimacy after my husband’s death. All of those things were special to me. Thinking they were special to him too, and that I was special – and then finding out otherwise, really hurt. And whenever things really hurt for a widowed person, it just makes us long to have everything we lost, back again.

Good Things Take Time

So as 2016 comes to a close, I have learned so many things about myself, about others, and about love and dating after loss. One big thing I learned is that you can’t force someone to see something or feel something, when they just aren’t there yet. Sometimes its simply not possible to see something that’s right in front of you, until you are truly ready to see it. Just 2 years ago, if you had told me that someone would have given me butterflies in my stomach or that I would be having my first kiss soon, or that I would be in my first relationship, and suffer an awful heartbreak – I would have laughed in your face. I couldn’t even picture myself in any of those positions at that time. I have come to know and believe that good things take time, and you can’t live someone else’s grief or pain or process for them. They have to do it themselves. But you CAN offer support and friendship, let them know that you truly care and that you aren’t going anywhere. And then you just say that over and over, and find ways to show them, and then you sit back and hope that they can hear you.

If there is one thing I have learned and continue to learn from my husband’s sudden death, it is that Love Heals.It’s true. Love is the great healer of all things, and all good things are born out of love. If there is someone out in the world that feels like there is no point, or feels like they are not worthy or capable of a joyous life, the love of another person, when accepted, can heal those wounds. Simply loving another person for everything they are, right this minute, today, without expecting them to be anything additional or anything different – can heal even the most damaged of hearts.

I heard something soon after my husband’s death, in the days where I felt darkest and most hopeless, that resonated with me deeply. A married couple who had been been together for decades, were dealing with the husband’s illness. As he lay there dying, in his last days, his wife cried to him and she asked: How am I supposed to live without you?

He replied: Take the love you have for me, and spread it around.

That’s it right there. Grief is just love, with no outlet. It is love, with nowhere to go. When you open your heart and continue to let love in, that is what brings the person you lost feel closer than ever, and that is how you can live again.

Happy New Year, and Happy Loving!

Real Life Dating vs. “The Bachelor”: Two Different Journeys

January 6, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin RELATIONSHIPS

So, as we approach a new year of 2017, and season #847 (I lost track long ago) of The Bachelor, which began this week with 30 women competing for the love of a mop-haired dude named Nick who mumbles and has a lisp – I thought it might be fun to do a humorous but accurate comparison of reality-show life in the dating world, vs. real life in the dating world. Hey, I’m a 45 year old widow who just moved back in with her parents because I can no longer afford life as an adult in NYC. What else do I have to do right now, besides create comparison articles that give me another excuse to lightly mock the hilarity that is The Bachelor? Answer: Nothing. So here we go ….

Meeting for the First Time:

The Bachelor	In real life
On The Bachelor, a first meeting with your new guy starts off by pulling up to a literal mansion, in a limousine, followed by 29 other women who are also meeting your guy/their guy for the first time. You get about 20 seconds or less to make your first impression and say hello – and on this week’s premiere episode, we saw everything from girls feeding Nick maple syrup from their fingers, to a girl dressed up in a dolphin costume. (although everyone on the show insisted she looked more like a shark, but whatever.) Also, if you really impress your new man, you just might receive a “first-impression rose” from him. But, there’s only a 1 in 30 chance of that happening, so the competition is fierce. You also have to worry about what all the other girls are doing, wearing, how they are behaving in comparison to you. In this week’s premiere, more than 15 of the 30 women showed up in red dresses. This was a major cause of trauma and stress for them, and caused them to drink more wine. (what doesn’t on this show?) Also, when meeting your new man, and sharing a moment with him outside laughing or kissing, there is a very good chance that you will be interrupted mid-conversation, by one of the other 29 wine-swilling, red-dress wearing, determined ladies. Just trying to complete a conversation with your new love interest, in reality-tv land, is a huge challenge. Lastly, the first night you meet, might also be your last. If he doesn’t find you appealing enough, he will send you packing on night number one. Harsh.	In real life, a first meeting with your new guy might be the result of friends hooking you up, or of taking a chance on one of the many dating sites offered to us regular folk who don’t go on television to meet our future partners. If you live in a major city, your date probably doesn’t have a car, and you might not want him knowing where you live anyway, in case he’s a serial killer. So it’s really best to meet in the city and just jump on the subway. If you live in the burbs, I still think most people when meeting for the first time, probably meet at said date location. Again, he might be a serial killer. If you really impress your new guy on your date, he may or may not buy you dinner. Where this dinner takes place is another fun mystery! It could be The Ritz, or it could be McDonald’s. Or he could be really cheap and take you for coffee. Either way, there’s no guarantee that he will buy your dinner, (or coffee) as sometimes you meet ungentlemanly dudes who slide the bill over to your side of the table after dinner, and say with a smirk: “Time to settle up.” (not that that’s happened to me personally or anything).If you make a good impression, you may or may not get a goodnight kiss, or sometimes you may mutually decide to go much further, and turn it into a goodnight “hookup.” Then it may get all kinds of awkward the next week, when he never calls you back or texts you even, after exchanging bodily fluids and drinking way too much wine. So, the first night you meet, might also be the last night you ever hear from him again. Or, he might turn out to be a serial killer. Harsh.

The Bachelor

In real life

On The Bachelor, a first meeting with your new guy starts off by pulling up to a literal mansion, in a limousine, followed by 29 other women who are also meeting your guy/their guy for the first time. You get about 20 seconds or less to make your first impression and say hello – and on this week’s premiere episode, we saw everything from girls feeding Nick maple syrup from their fingers, to a girl dressed up in a dolphin costume. (although everyone on the show insisted she looked more like a shark, but whatever.) Also, if you really impress your new man, you just might receive a “first-impression rose” from him. But, there’s only a 1 in 30 chance of that happening, so the competition is fierce. You also have to worry about what all the other girls are doing, wearing, how they are behaving in comparison to you. In this week’s premiere, more than 15 of the 30 women showed up in red dresses. This was a major cause of trauma and stress for them, and caused them to drink more wine. (what doesn’t on this show?) Also, when meeting your new man, and sharing a moment with him outside laughing or kissing, there is a very good chance that you will be interrupted mid-conversation, by one of the other 29 wine-swilling, red-dress wearing, determined ladies. Just trying to complete a conversation with your new love interest, in reality-tv land, is a huge challenge. Lastly, the first night you meet, might also be your last. If he doesn’t find you appealing enough, he will send you packing on night number one. Harsh.

In real life, a first meeting with your new guy might be the result of friends hooking you up, or of taking a chance on one of the many dating sites offered to us regular folk who don’t go on television to meet our future partners. If you live in a major city, your date probably doesn’t have a car, and you might not want him knowing where you live anyway, in case he’s a serial killer. So it’s really best to meet in the city and just jump on the subway. If you live in the burbs, I still think most people when meeting for the first time, probably meet at said date location. Again, he might be a serial killer. If you really impress your new guy on your date, he may or may not buy you dinner. Where this dinner takes place is another fun mystery! It could be The Ritz, or it could be McDonald’s. Or he could be really cheap and take you for coffee. Either way, there’s no guarantee that he will buy your dinner, (or coffee) as sometimes you meet ungentlemanly dudes who slide the bill over to your side of the table after dinner, and say with a smirk: “Time to settle up.” (not that that’s happened to me personally or anything).If you make a good impression, you may or may not get a goodnight kiss, or sometimes you may mutually decide to go much further, and turn it into a goodnight “hookup.” Then it may get all kinds of awkward the next week, when he never calls you back or texts you even, after exchanging bodily fluids and drinking way too much wine. So, the first night you meet, might also be the last night you ever hear from him again. Or, he might turn out to be a serial killer. Harsh.

The Living Environment:

THE BACHELOR	IN REAL LIFE
On The Bachelor, your new love interest lives in a mansion, paid for by a television network. There are lots of cocktail parties and pool parties at this mansion, and there are always lots and lots of other girls at these parties too. YOU also live in a different mansion, or sometimes in various beautiful hotels, whenever your man decides to travel somewhere “amazing”on this “journey” that the network also pays for. You do not live by yourself though. You live with all the other women who are also desperately competing for your man’s love. There are lots of roses given out at random times, and also, during a “ceremony” where multiple girls receive roses. If you get one, you get to stay longer in the mansion or hotel. The living environment you will be in is extremely emotional. You will be living with loads of women, and these women are hormonal, have periods, and have been cut off from the internet and television while on this reality show.	In real life, your new love interest hopefully lives on his own, in a house or an apartment that he rents or owns himself. This is not a guarantee, however. You may be dating a guy who lives with his mommy, or who is “separated” from his wife, but in reality, he’s “never going to leave her.” Your alcohol situation is up to you in real life, so the amount of wine you choose to drink is optional. If you receive roses or other flowers from your man, it is because he really likes you, and you should thank him. You will not be living with multiple women, unless you live in NYC – then you may live in a 2 bedroom apartment with 21 people. If you go on a date with your new man, at least you know that at the end of that date, you won’t be asked to leave your own home. Its pretty much guaranteed that as awful as your date is, you will still be allowed to return home when it has ended. No sad rejection limo necessary. In fact, no limo at all.
The producers also supply them with endless amounts of wine and other alcoholic beverages. They drink wine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Whenever food appears, nobody eats it. They only drink more wine, and they drink it out of the hugest wine glasses you have ever seen in your life. Your roommates will walk around sometimes in bikini tops, towels, mini-skirts, and sometimes they will make innuendo comments about not wearing underwear. There is a lot of crying. Endless amounts of sobbing coming from all of these women, and you may find yourself sobbing too, should your new man not be paying enough attention to you on a particular day, or should you find yourself out of wine for an hour or more. In between dates, you will spend a lot of time at the mansion, gossiping about other people’s dates with Nick, and making assumptions and probably crying. There is also a lot of sitting around and staring longingly out various windows, like in those commercials for depression medication.
Your roommates will also do a lot of the same, because apparently nobody on this show works, or they have fake jobs that allow them to take 3 months off to film this ridiculous show. You will be rooming with a lot of dental hygenists (there are a minimum of 3 in each season – I think its in the contract), spokesmodels, “dolphin-enthusiasts”, small business owners, and other made up careers that don’t actually exist. There will be a lot of sitting around in hot tubs, holding your giant glass of wine. You may go on a date one night, and come back to find your suitcases sitting out by the front door of the mansion. This means that Nick has sent you home, and you have to go ride in the sad rejection limo.

THE BACHELOR

IN REAL LIFE

On The Bachelor, your new love interest lives in a mansion, paid for by a television network. There are lots of cocktail parties and pool parties at this mansion, and there are always lots and lots of other girls at these parties too. YOU also live in a different mansion, or sometimes in various beautiful hotels, whenever your man decides to travel somewhere “amazing”on this “journey” that the network also pays for. You do not live by yourself though. You live with all the other women who are also desperately competing for your man’s love. There are lots of roses given out at random times, and also, during a “ceremony” where multiple girls receive roses. If you get one, you get to stay longer in the mansion or hotel.

The living environment you will be in is extremely emotional. You will be living with loads of women, and these women are hormonal, have periods, and have been cut off from the internet and television while on this reality show.

In real life, your new love interest hopefully lives on his own, in a house or an apartment that he rents or owns himself. This is not a guarantee, however. You may be dating a guy who lives with his mommy, or who is “separated” from his wife, but in reality, he’s “never going to leave her.” Your alcohol situation is up to you in real life, so the amount of wine you choose to drink is optional. If you receive roses or other flowers from your man, it is because he really likes you, and you should thank him. You will not be living with multiple women, unless you live in NYC – then you may live in a 2 bedroom apartment with 21 people. If you go on a date with your new man, at least you know that at the end of that date, you won’t be asked to leave your own home. Its pretty much guaranteed that as awful as your date is, you will still be allowed to return home when it has ended. No sad rejection limo necessary. In fact, no limo at all.

The producers also supply them with endless amounts of wine and other alcoholic beverages. They drink wine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Whenever food appears, nobody eats it. They only drink more wine, and they drink it out of the hugest wine glasses you have ever seen in your life. Your roommates will walk around sometimes in bikini tops, towels, mini-skirts, and sometimes they will make innuendo comments about not wearing underwear. There is a lot of crying. Endless amounts of sobbing coming from all of these women, and you may find yourself sobbing too, should your new man not be paying enough attention to you on a particular day, or should you find yourself out of wine for an hour or more. In between dates, you will spend a lot of time at the mansion, gossiping about other people’s dates with Nick, and making assumptions and probably crying. There is also a lot of sitting around and staring longingly out various windows, like in those commercials for depression medication.

Your roommates will also do a lot of the same, because apparently nobody on this show works, or they have fake jobs that allow them to take 3 months off to film this ridiculous show. You will be rooming with a lot of dental hygenists (there are a minimum of 3 in each season – I think its in the contract), spokesmodels, “dolphin-enthusiasts”, small business owners, and other made up careers that don’t actually exist. There will be a lot of sitting around in hot tubs, holding your giant glass of wine. You may go on a date one night, and come back to find your suitcases sitting out by the front door of the mansion. This means that Nick has sent you home, and you have to go ride in the sad rejection limo.

The Dates:

The Bachelor	In real life
On The Bachelor, you should be prepared emotionally and physically for some pretty bizarre dates. You will or will not be chosen for the honor to go out on a date with your new guy, via a “Date Card” that is send via host Chris Harrison. Should you be chosen for a date, you may be lucky and receive a “one on one” date with your man, where you actually get to be alone together for a few hours, or you may be selected as one of a dozen or so others, to participate in a “group date”, which sounds like an orgy but it’s not. Group dates often involve silly activities such as pretending to be comedians and telling jokes about your man onstage, playing a sport of some kind to compete for more time with your man, or other silly-ass things. You will have to find a way to stand out in the crowd on this group date, like maybe pretending to fall ill or faking an injury during the sport playing, so that said man-meat will come running to your rescue. Your man, and other women on the show, may use words to describe the date or to describe anything at all, like “journey”, ‘amazing,” or “terrified.” Please know that in the world of this reality-show, everything is always amazing, and everyone is always terrified. Terrified of getting their heart broken, terrified of rejection, terrified that they won’t get the rose tonight. Terrified, terrified, terrified. If you are lucky enough to get a one-on-one date with your new man, who, in this case is a mumbling fool named Nick who says stuff like: “I don’t know how to sit sideways on a couch” – you will be in store for an incredibly cheesy, manufactured romance-filled day. It may start out with a picnic on a beach or in a park. You may be taken on a helicopter ride over some exotic island somewhere (this show looooves helicopter rides almost as much as they love the word “journey”), or you may be asked to jump off a cliff or skydive or some other risky thing, with your new man, to show that you can trust each other and take chances together. Because everyone knows if you can skydive together and not die, that means you are compatible for marriage and for life. Your date may include dinner, which nobody in the history of the show ever eats. You will drink wine, because not a day goes by without wine drinking. Cameras will follow you everywhere, and you may or may not receive a rose on your date. If you do not receive a rose, you may be asked to get into the rejection limo and go home, because your new guy doesn’t see a future with you. Sorry. If things go well, your date may end with a “private performance” outside somewhere, by some random country artist that is supposedly famous but that nobody has ever heard of. You may make out during this dance, because you get so lost in the moment of thinking that any of this is real in any way, shape, or form. You may tell the cameras that you felt so special and that this was one of the best nights of your life. Then, the very next night, Nick will go out with someone else, and it will probably involve a helicopter or picnic or rock climbing, and you will be sad and jealous. Enter more wine. If you should be one of the lucky ladies to make the top three choices for Nick’s heart this season, your last date with him will be an ‘overnight date”, that comes with the option of staying in the “fantasy suite”, where they turn off the cameras so the two of you can sleep together. If you are the third girl of the three women on dates, you should be aware that this man-whore has probably just got done sleeping with another chick, and then another chick before that – just hours before you sleep with him. In the morning, you will enjoy breakfast with your new man served in bed, and then you will leave promptly so he can get ready for his next date soon. Nothing like feeling special!	In real life, you should be prepared for some pretty bizarre dates. You never know what you’re getting into on the dating sites, or through friends, or out at singles bars. Once you are dating your person for awhile, and have gone on some dates together, you will probably decide to see each other exclusively, and so you will not be competing with a bunch of other women. Yay! You may decide to stay home one night as a date, and rent a movie together and cuddle. No cameras will be following you on your date, so you can do as you please. You can keep getting to know each other, and let yourself be adaptable to different things happening on your dates. Explore new places and conversations. You may get lost in the moments, and there may be intimacy. Enjoy it. When you date someone, whether its two times or for 7 months, try to think of it as getting to know someone new. Making a new connection. If you look at it that way, then no connection will ever feel pointless or like a waste of time. In real life dating and in life, every connection serves a purpose. As for intimacy, I prefer the real life way to the reality show one. Both parties involved in the relationship shall decide if and when the time is right for intimacy. You will not receive a creepy invitation from TV host Chris Harrison, inviting you to stay overnight and supplying you with a key. Instead, you and your partner will make these decisions together, like adults. Real life sex is very complicated and messy, and not as seamless as they make it look on TV. Sometimes you might be having your period. Or the condom doesn’t work right. Or he can’t perform right with the condom. Or you aren’t sure if this guy is really worth you starting up a whole new birth control plan (its a huuuuuge pain in the as, and expensive!) for. Or one of you just isn’t in the mood. Or one or both of you has children, so you have to figure out WHERE to do it and when the kids won’t be around. And then after you have sex, a whole new set of emotions emerges. Things become closer. More intimate. In real life relationships, there are no producers or cameras or manipulating tactics going on. Its all up to the two of you, and where you want to go next.

The Bachelor

In real life

On The Bachelor, you should be prepared emotionally and physically for some pretty bizarre dates. You will or will not be chosen for the honor to go out on a date with your new guy, via a “Date Card” that is send via host Chris Harrison. Should you be chosen for a date, you may be lucky and receive a “one on one” date with your man, where you actually get to be alone together for a few hours, or you may be selected as one of a dozen or so others, to participate in a “group date”, which sounds like an orgy but it’s not. Group dates often involve silly activities such as pretending to be comedians and telling jokes about your man onstage, playing a sport of some kind to compete for more time with your man, or other silly-ass things. You will have to find a way to stand out in the crowd on this group date, like maybe pretending to fall ill or faking an injury during the sport playing, so that said man-meat will come running to your rescue. Your man, and other women on the show, may use words to describe the date or to describe anything at all, like “journey”, ‘amazing,” or “terrified.” Please know that in the world of this reality-show, everything is always amazing, and everyone is always terrified. Terrified of getting their heart broken, terrified of rejection, terrified that they won’t get the rose tonight. Terrified, terrified, terrified.

If you are lucky enough to get a one-on-one date with your new man, who, in this case is a mumbling fool named Nick who says stuff like: “I don’t know how to sit sideways on a couch” – you will be in store for an incredibly cheesy, manufactured romance-filled day. It may start out with a picnic on a beach or in a park. You may be taken on a helicopter ride over some exotic island somewhere (this show looooves helicopter rides almost as much as they love the word “journey”), or you may be asked to jump off a cliff or skydive or some other risky thing, with your new man, to show that you can trust each other and take chances together. Because everyone knows if you can skydive together and not die, that means you are compatible for marriage and for life. Your date may include dinner, which nobody in the history of the show ever eats. You will drink wine, because not a day goes by without wine drinking. Cameras will follow you everywhere, and you may or may not receive a rose on your date. If you do not receive a rose, you may be asked to get into the rejection limo and go home, because your new guy doesn’t see a future with you. Sorry. If things go well, your date may end with a “private performance” outside somewhere, by some random country artist that is supposedly famous but that nobody has ever heard of. You may make out during this dance, because you get so lost in the moment of thinking that any of this is real in any way, shape, or form. You may tell the cameras that you felt so special and that this was one of the best nights of your life. Then, the very next night, Nick will go out with someone else, and it will probably involve a helicopter or picnic or rock climbing, and you will be sad and jealous. Enter more wine. If you should be one of the lucky ladies to make the top three choices for Nick’s heart this season, your last date with him will be an ‘overnight date”, that comes with the option of staying in the “fantasy suite”, where they turn off the cameras so the two of you can sleep together. If you are the third girl of the three women on dates, you should be aware that this man-whore has probably just got done sleeping with another chick, and then another chick before that – just hours before you sleep with him. In the morning, you will enjoy breakfast with your new man served in bed, and then you will leave promptly so he can get ready for his next date soon. Nothing like feeling special!

In real life, you should be prepared for some pretty bizarre dates. You never know what you’re getting into on the dating sites, or through friends, or out at singles bars. Once you are dating your person for awhile, and have gone on some dates together, you will probably decide to see each other exclusively, and so you will not be competing with a bunch of other women. Yay! You may decide to stay home one night as a date, and rent a movie together and cuddle. No cameras will be following you on your date, so you can do as you please. You can keep getting to know each other, and let yourself be adaptable to different things happening on your dates. Explore new places and conversations. You may get lost in the moments, and there may be intimacy. Enjoy it. When you date someone, whether its two times or for 7 months, try to think of it as getting to know someone new. Making a new connection. If you look at it that way, then no connection will ever feel pointless or like a waste of time. In real life dating and in life, every connection serves a purpose. As for intimacy, I prefer the real life way to the reality show one. Both parties involved in the relationship shall decide if and when the time is right for intimacy. You will not receive a creepy invitation from TV host Chris Harrison, inviting you to stay overnight and supplying you with a key. Instead, you and your partner will make these decisions together, like adults. Real life sex is very complicated and messy, and not as seamless as they make it look on TV. Sometimes you might be having your period. Or the condom doesn’t work right. Or he can’t perform right with the condom. Or you aren’t sure if this guy is really worth you starting up a whole new birth control plan (its a huuuuuge pain in the as, and expensive!) for. Or one of you just isn’t in the mood. Or one or both of you has children, so you have to figure out WHERE to do it and when the kids won’t be around. And then after you have sex, a whole new set of emotions emerges. Things become closer. More intimate. In real life relationships, there are no producers or cameras or manipulating tactics going on. Its all up to the two of you, and where you want to go next.

The Proposal:

The Bachelor	In real life
On The Bachelor, should you survive the creepy and tacky “Overnight Date”, and make it into the top two choices for the best wife, you will then have to wait around anxiously, wondering if you are the one that Nick will propose to, or if your love story will end with a sad limo ride to the airport and nothing to show for it. Your man will meet some key members of your family, on television, in a contrived visit where they all get to know him in the course of an hour or two. You will meet his family as well, and they will all pretend as if this is all a perfectly normal way to meet the person you choose to spend your life with. Your man will be visited by a man representing an expensive jewelry store, and he will choose engagement rings, not only for you, but also for the other woman who may become his wife if you don’t. You will get up on the morning of your proposal/non-proposal, and you will stare longingly out at some gorgeous ocean or misty skyline, as you sip your coffee in your silk bathrobe and cameras film you pondering life’s events. Eventually, a limo will pick you up, you will be all dressed up in an elegant gown, and you will walk down a ridiculously long and complicated path to get to your future fiance or your future ex-boyfriend jerk who dumped you on national television. He will take your hands in his, he will review your entire few weeks relationship so the TV audience has a nice build up, and then he will keep us in suspense just a bit longer before either letting you go, or proposing.	In real life, a marriage proposal can happen anytime, in a number of ways, places, circumstances. Real life families are messy and dysfunctional, and their involvement will depend on your relationship with them. A proposal can be planned or spontaneous, and can happen in so many different ways. My husband proposed to me the Sunday before Christmas, in NYC, underneath the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. It was magical, and meaningful for us, because I’ve always been a christmas freak. A friend of mine proposed to his now wife while they were sitting on the couch together watching a movie. He just decided in that moment that he wanted to be with her like that every day, so he turned to her and said casually: “Would you do me the honor of being my wife?” She said yes, and they went out ring shopping the next morning after breakfast. Every kind of proposal in real life is beautiful to me, because it is so real and it is two people deciding to blend their lives together. There are no cameras or pomp and circumstance (unless you want that), like on a TV show, but to the two people involved, it’s the biggest and most important thing in the world. And it should be. Love IS the biggest thing in the world, and it always will be.
If you are proposed to, you should know that literally 5 minutes earlier, he just dumped the other chick. You should also know that as soon as just a few hours ago, he wasn’t even sure which of you he was going to choose TO BE HIS WIFE. Again, way to make someone feel special! If you are proposed to, sweeping music will play under you as you kiss and he picks you up and spins you in the air and you laugh and laugh. Three months later, you will be all over People magazine, there will be some weird cheating scandal, and you will break up.

The Bachelor

In real life

On The Bachelor, should you survive the creepy and tacky “Overnight Date”, and make it into the top two choices for the best wife, you will then have to wait around anxiously, wondering if you are the one that Nick will propose to, or if your love story will end with a sad limo ride to the airport and nothing to show for it. Your man will meet some key members of your family, on television, in a contrived visit where they all get to know him in the course of an hour or two. You will meet his family as well, and they will all pretend as if this is all a perfectly normal way to meet the person you choose to spend your life with. Your man will be visited by a man representing an expensive jewelry store, and he will choose engagement rings, not only for you, but also for the other woman who may become his wife if you don’t. You will get up on the morning of your proposal/non-proposal, and you will stare longingly out at some gorgeous ocean or misty skyline, as you sip your coffee in your silk bathrobe and cameras film you pondering life’s events. Eventually, a limo will pick you up, you will be all dressed up in an elegant gown, and you will walk down a ridiculously long and complicated path to get to your future fiance or your future ex-boyfriend jerk who dumped you on national television. He will take your hands in his, he will review your entire few weeks relationship so the TV audience has a nice build up, and then he will keep us in suspense just a bit longer before either letting you go, or proposing.

In real life, a marriage proposal can happen anytime, in a number of ways, places, circumstances. Real life families are messy and dysfunctional, and their involvement will depend on your relationship with them. A proposal can be planned or spontaneous, and can happen in so many different ways. My husband proposed to me the Sunday before Christmas, in NYC, underneath the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. It was magical, and meaningful for us, because I’ve always been a christmas freak. A friend of mine proposed to his now wife while they were sitting on the couch together watching a movie. He just decided in that moment that he wanted to be with her like that every day, so he turned to her and said casually: “Would you do me the honor of being my wife?” She said yes, and they went out ring shopping the next morning after breakfast. Every kind of proposal in real life is beautiful to me, because it is so real and it is two people deciding to blend their lives together. There are no cameras or pomp and circumstance (unless you want that), like on a TV show, but to the two people involved, it’s the biggest and most important thing in the world. And it should be. Love IS the biggest thing in the world, and it always will be.

If you are proposed to, you should know that literally 5 minutes earlier, he just dumped the other chick. You should also know that as soon as just a few hours ago, he wasn’t even sure which of you he was going to choose TO BE HIS WIFE. Again, way to make someone feel special! If you are proposed to, sweeping music will play under you as you kiss and he picks you up and spins you in the air and you laugh and laugh. Three months later, you will be all over People magazine, there will be some weird cheating scandal, and you will break up.

So, after this humorous look at reality-TV dating and love versus real-life dating and love, what do you think? Which sounds better to you? For me, I think I will stick with real life. I don’t really like wine enough to stand around drinking vads of it on the daily, I cant see living in a giant house with 29 other women, and there’s no way in hell I’m going skydiving to prove my love for someone. Even though there is a lot of risk in real-life dating of getting your heart broken, or getting rejected – life is all about risks, and taking a chance could often lead you to the most wonderful, beautiful thing in the world. Everything beautiful starts with somebody making that first move, and then it just grows from there. I think that most of the audience for The Bachelor is young women. At least from what I have seen, a lot of women watch the show. I don’t think they watch it because they WANT what they see on the show. I think they watch it because it’s a form of escape, its a form of fantasy, and it’s a form of silly, meaningless fun. This might seem like a strange comparison, but I think that a lot of women watch The Bachelor for similar reasons that men watch porn. We KNOW none of it is real, we know its all fake and manipulated and that most of the couples that get engaged on the show end up breaking up later anyway – but watching it is a turn-on anyway. It brings to life that image of the knight in shining armor, coming to rescue us. More importantly, we see ourselves as that final girl that was chosen. Out of all those women, he chose HER. We see ourselves as HER, and then we think about the relationships we have in our own lives, and consider how lucky we truly are – because that person, my person, chose me. Out of everyone in the universe they could have chosen, they chose me.

Limos and roses and exotic islands and hot tubs aside, give me real-life romance and love any day of the week. Fantasy is fun and a nice escape to look at, when you don’t feel like thinking about anything. But real life, true, intense, beautiful, all-encompassing love??? That’s hot!!! And I don’t even have to rush out of the Fantasy Suite the morning after, so they can prep it for the next girl.

Why Women Love Dating in a Different Age Bracket

February 2, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

10 women tell their stories of how their relationships with older or younger partner make them happy

He Was Ready to Become a Dad

Despite an age gap of more than a decade, Colleen Smith and her husband Damian cite many factors that make their marriage work, including her role as the oldest child in her family and their common interests. But it was his dad potential that really won her over. “My husband is 13 years older than I am. The age difference has been good for us because I have a daughter from a previous relationship and Damian was more mature and able to navigate the delicacy of becoming a stepfather,” she says.

He’s an Old-Fashioned Gentleman

“My fiance is 30 years older than me,” says Tirzah Allen. While she waits for people to pick their jaws up off the floor, she explains the benefits of marrying someone old enough to be her dad. “The best thing about the age difference being so dramatic is that we both teach each other so many things about our generations,” she says. Ted is a big fan of old-fashioned chivalry, making sure to open doors for her, pulling out her chair and bringing her little gifts. “I love that he is such a gentleman. I always feel like a lady because he always treats me like one,” she says.

He Makes Me Feel Young

When Marianne Bright first met Christopher Farquhar, she didn’t know that she was graduating high school when he was just starting it. “He has such an old soul,” she exclaims. But she says the age difference, however small it is, is good for their relationship. “He appreciates my point of view and values my opinion as much as I do his. Plus, his boyish personality helps me be more relaxed and better enjoy the funnier things in life. I also tease him about being younger than my youngest sibling. That’s always fun at family gatherings!”

He Balances Me Out

Suzi Pugh says her marriage works because of the 14-year age gap between her and her husband, not in spite of it. “There certainly are some tricky aspects to our age difference but his responsibility and no-BS attitude balance me out. He’s the ying to my yang and all that jazz!” she says.

He Has an Ageless Soul

When it comes to true love, two decades don’t matter as much as you’d think, says Caitlin Constantine. “My husband’s got 18 years on me, but honestly, it’s one of those things that rarely comes up in our relationship unless we’re talking about specific cultural touchstones. But those things are really just cosmetic,” she explains. “The important parts—the parts of us that are most compatible—are without age!” The couple is passionate about endurance sports and takes every opportunity to train together for their next race. Their racing team even earned them a Couple of the Year award.

Caitlin says they share an outlook on life too. “We both tend to prize intangibles like ideas, experiences and relationships over the pursuit of materialistic things like fancy cars or big houses,” she says, adding they’re both “total do-gooders.” She explains, “Brian once said that one of his main goals in life is to be useful and that’s something I feel strongly about too.”

He Keeps Me Calm

“I love the fact that he’s older and has a different perspective on things than I do,” says Tammy Macias, of her husband, who’s 19 years her senior. She adds that all his life experience comes in handy for her as well. “He’s much calmer in stressful situations than I am!”

He’s Not Afraid of My Success

Meghan McCann has always been an overachiever, but all her hard work has paid off—she has an established career in a field she loves, a house, and spends a lot of time traveling. The only problem was she felt like she was running laps around guys her age. So when she met her fiance Dave and found out he was nearly a decade older, she saw the age gap as an advantage, placing them on equal footing. “Because of where I am in my life and career—what some men would consider ‘ahead’—we connected better than I did with men my age I had previously dated.”

He Loves Being My “Boy Toy”

When Cathy Shipp met her would-be husband Kevin, it was love at first sight, despite the fact that she is significantly older. “We have a lot of fun with the older woman stereotype! He calls me ‘cougar,’ ‘cradle robber,’ ‘old lady,’ and stuff like that. And I call him my ‘boy toy!'” she says. “He’s just plain great.”

He’s Older But Acts Younger

Heather Gannoe may be 12 years younger than her husband Jeff, but she often feels like the responsible adult in the relationship. His playful nature and energy make her laugh, but she says he does know how to be a grown-up (when he has to be). “Sometimes he acts younger than me, but he has a good head on his shoulders, takes things seriously when necessary, but doesn’t get uptight over things. Something I think that kind of wisdom really does come with age!” she says.

She Takes Care of Me

“I scored with our 8-year age difference!” Jan Graham says of marrying Robin Wright. Not only is the age gap not an impediment but she says Robin’s stability has allowed her to do the things she’s most passionate about, like running her fitness blog and starting a life coaching business. “My wife is further along in her career and brings home most of the bacon, not to mention she has all that great experience and wisdom stuff too,” Jan says. “Yet she’s young enough at heart to join me on adventures and boogie down on the dance floor and just be a crazy silly goofball sometimes!” The age gap has had another unexpected benefit: Jan points out it has spared them for going through menopause at the same time. (Way to find the silver lining of hormonal havoc, ladies!)

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Dating App Are You Using? See If You Are On the Right One.

April 3, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

The best dating app out there right now is totally up for debate.

Some people love good old, reliable Tinder, while others prefer meeting friends of friends through Hinge or making the first move on Bumble. A lot of it comes down to personal preference. But what isn’t up for debate are which apps we’re actually using. And according to technology company Quantcast, which looked at over 480,000 searches from January 6, 2017- February 5, 2017 for Bustle, there’s a really, really clear winner when it comes to the most searched for dating apps right now.

Before we dive into all the top ones, I’m not recommending you go and download all of the most popular apps right away. You need to stick to what works for you and — crucially— you don’t want to overwhelm yourself. “They say you can have ‘too many cooks in the kitchen.’ I say you can have too many apps on your phone,” Erika Ettin, online dating coach and author of Love at First Site, tells Bustle. “I generally recommend that my clients stick to two apps, with the caveat that they use them proactively. This does not mean getting 20 matches a day and writing to none of them. This means limiting the number of matches they get to, say, three to five, and then reaching out to all of them. If, of three matches, one converts to a date, that is more than enough to line up per day! Just like you archive your emails (well, I do), I advise keeping your app inboxes clean.”

It’s really sound advice. So keep it in mind and check out the most popular dating apps this year:

1. Tinder Was The Clear Winner

Damn. I mean, damn. Seventy-four percent— that’s total domination of the market (and the pie chart). It seems like we’re creatures of habit and we really do like sticking to Tinder to get us by.

2. OkCupid Was Runner Up

OkCupid came in second, which was no surprise to me. Of the less “app-y” dating apps, all of my friends use OkCupid, and some have had a lot of luck on it, so I’d say it’s a safe bet.

3. Grindr Held Its Own

It may have only gotten five percent of searches, but that’s enough use to nab Grindr third place. It’s well-established, easy to use, and people love it.

4. PlentyOfFish Came In Fourth

We’re already down to four percent of the market, which pales next to Tinder, but is still enough to rank POF at fourth place.

5. eHarmony Rounded Out The Top Five

Finally, eHarmony — and their commercials that I cannot escape whenever I go to visit my mom in New Hampshire — finished out the top five. Maybe it’s their advertising campaign, maybe it just works, but it nabbed three percent of the usage.

Well, if you want to play a numbers game then there’s a clear winner on which app people are using this year. But like I said, it’s more about what works for you. You’re better off having three matches you actually speak to than 40 you rack up and ignore. Stick with what fits.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Even Though It Can Be Maddening, Why It’s Great to Be Dating

April 10, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

It true, here is how it can be rewarding, fun, and even powerful.

One of the hardest things in life is starting over. It is true with anything, really. If you’re a writer, the hardest part of writing any piece, is formulating those first few words at the beginning. If you’re an artist, the hardest thing is looking at that blank easel or paper, and trying to narrow down your topic of inspiration. And if you are a female who finds herself single again – the absolute hardest thing, is starting over. Whether you are single by circumstance, due to a break up, or because you were widowed young – navigating the dating scene and modern dating sites can be extremely frustrating, maddening, and even downright depressing.

But please know that in addition to all of that, it can also be rewarding, fun, and even powerful. It’s true.

The Maddening Part

There are some real whack-jobs on these dating sites such as the guy on that one site who wanted to pay me to smell my feet and then clean my apartment or the other guy who had a fetish for watching fuller-figured women shove spaghetti in their mouths. You get the idea. And the ones who aren’t can be plain old-fashioned rude. Guys who stop all contact out of nowhere, otherwise known as “ghosting.” Guys who lie in their profiles and then for weeks, telling you they are single when in fact they are very much married. Guys who just want sex and aren’t very smooth about getting it. These characters are out there.

All I could think, at first, in having to deal with all these lunatics online who didn’t seem to be too worthy of my time, was: “Dammit. I wouldn’t have to do ANY of this, if my husband weren’t dead forever. Can I just have THAT LIFE BACK NOW PLEASE???” But the thing is, the answer on that Magic 8 Ball always comes back the same. “No.” So I have no choice but to begin again, and once I began to accept that, I could start to see the dating sites in a whole new light.

There are a lot of genuine, real, kind men out there. Men who are just like me, and who are just trying to navigate their way through the life they have right now, and find something or someone they connect with. So, while the rest of you fellow single people are out there navigating like I am, here are a few reasons why starting over with dating can be positive, freeing, and powerful. Read on:

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT:

I need and want different things. I require someone who has an empathetic heart. I need someone who makes me feel safe and protected. I need someone who is emotionally stable and healthy. I need for the person I’m with to understand that my late husband is a piece of me, forever. And that my love for him and his for me, is the very reason that I’m able to want and desire a great love again now. I need someone who is secure enough in themselves to understand that the heart expands, and that they are not in a contest. Each love you have is unique, because each person and each connection is unique. Being jealous of a love from the past is not something I will put up with, and not the kind of person I want in my life today.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WON’T PUT UP WITH:

In my earlier days, before I was fully grown emotionally, I would have put up with a lot more from a partner than I do today. Today, I will not accept racism or hatred, however veiled, of any kind. I will not date anyone who treats other people with disrespect or unkindness. A long time ago, a friend told me that if a man is rude or standoff-ish to their waiter/server on a first date, she considered that a sign of how he will treat HER in the future when he is in a bad mood or life isn’t going well, and she wouldn’t see him again. I have adopted this same principle. It’s a very clear and easy way to show a lot about someone’s character. How do they treat people in the service industry? It’s very telling. Lastly, if I sense any red flags at all, or if something just feels “off” with someone I just began dating, I’m going to go with my instincts and assume that something IS off. Every single time I have ignored my instincts, I have regretted it. That’s not going to happen again.

When you’re a little older, these are the types of things that you start to get better at. You have to get your heart broken open a few times too many, in order to be able to spot the ones that might not be truthful. And let me tell you, there is a lot of power and freedom in saying to someone: “No. I deserve better than what you have to give me.”

YOU DON’T TAKE EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY:

Remember back in high school, or even college years, where every little thing that happened to you in your personal life, was literally the end of the world? Where every break-up, every fight, every boy that didn’t return your feelings, sent you into a spin-cycle of depression and endless sobbing? When you are older, those things just don’t matter much anymore. They slide off your back a lot easier than before. Because you have lived. You have experienced life, and it isn’t always pretty. You know there are disappointments. You know that people can hurt you. When you know all this, and then it happens from some stranger on a dating site, it doesn’t sting quite as much.

Sure, its never awesome when somebody makes you feel bad or makes you feel unattractive or unwanted. But really, when you think about it, anyone who would go out of their way to make someone else feel bad, has a lot of issues going on within themselves. Most of the time, when someone treats you poorly, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and all their unresolved issues. Once you know this, it’s much easier to just accept things for what they are and try not to read too much into them, or predict the future. A text exchange with someone on a dating site is just that – two people talking and attempting to get to know each other. Sometimes these conversations will go well. Other times they won’t. Sometimes they will go nowhere or be boring or you wont click or connect. Other times you think that you did connect, and then he stops contacting you.

There are a million different variables and reasons why some things just don’t work out. If you try not to take it all so seriously, and take the pressure off of yourself that you NEED TO MEET YOUR SOULMATE RIGHT NOW!!!! – the entire dating experience becomes not only more tolerable, but sort of fun. Think of it as meeting lots of potential new friends. There are quite a few guys on the sites that I didn’t connect with on a relationship level, but who have become good friends. The ones that went nowhere, they probably weren’t meant to. Keep trying, and don’t take any of it to heart.

YOU HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE:

There is beauty in wisdom. In strength. And there is beauty in living a life of struggle and surviving. These days, even though I will admit to still being insecure about my fuller figured body, I am also a lot more secure in my own beauty, and I know that a lot of that beauty comes from an inner-light. If you show confidence and joy and an ease within yourself, that is reflected, and others see it as beautiful. Its an attractive quality. That is why when you are in a relationship and really happy, it seems like other guys are hitting on you and flirting with you all the time. They ARE! Because you’re giving off this joy and this peace as you strut your fine ass down that street, they pick up on that, and they want to be around it.

ADMIRERS AND COMPLIMENTS:

It’s the same way on the dating sites. Your inner-glow shows up and makes an appearance in your profile pictures. Men pick up on this, and they want to be around you. I will admit also, it feels really nice to be told, even by total strangers on dating sites, that you are indeed attractive, that you have a great smile, pretty eyes, anything like that. We are all human, and we want to feel wanted and cared for, and it feels good when someone else recognizes things in us that maybe we didn’t even see .

When I first started dating again one of my biggest worries was that I was convinced that nobody would or could ever love me in the beautiful way that my husband did. And in a way, I was right. Nobody WILL love me the exact way that he did. But why would I want them to? Someone new will love me in their beautiful and unique way. Once I figured that out, the fears about it started to drift away, and I started to get more excited about the idea of “someone else.” And now I’m finding that although I will always miss my husband, it is exciting and fun to discover someone new that you begin to care about, and all the many ways in which they choose to show you love.

YOU ARE BRAVE

The big thing about getting out there again and diving into the dating scene, is that it’s actually quite brave. It takes a lot of courage and energy to literally “put yourself out there” in mind, heart, and soul – and take the chance of getting hurt or rejected. But after having my heart broken a few bazillion times, I have started to figure out that someone’s rejection of me simply means that they are not the person who will appreciate what I have to offer and who I am and what I have been through. So I don’t want them. Which means, technically, I’m the one rejecting them. See how I turned that around? All it takes is a bit of humor, and a little perspective.

It can feel really good, and really powerful, to be able to get into the world of dating. There are so many interesting people in this world, so many to choose from. Some are so totally wrong for who you are, and others are so totally right. Some might be right if the timing were different, and others might be right if you were more compatible. And then, there is that someone, that could be the exact right person, at the exact right time, and you never would have known that, had you not taken that chance.

Love is a beautiful thing, and love is always worth the risk.
Every single time.

7 Rules for Tapping Your Intuition in Love

April 20, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

From mind-reading on a date to tuning into psychic alarm bells, how you can use your sixth sense to find the perfect man…

Are you fed up looking for love in all the wrong places? It might be time to tune in to your intuition. As a psychic consultant, I believe the real reason we struggle to find the perfect partner is because we ignore our instincts.

We turn our back on our inner wisdom and listen to what people tell us rather than using our sixth sense. The results are confusion and heartbreak. You might think love is complicated, but when you use your instincts you’ll see it’s simple.

Follow my steps for getting in touch with your intuition and you’ll be able to mind-read your dates and suss out the Mr Rights and Mr Wrongs — and find a partner who is perfect for you…

YOUR SECRET POWERS

Did you know you can read minds?

We all have intuitive power. All of us have had feelings about people that have been correct, yet we can’t put our ﬁnger on why we felt the way we did.

We often know when a partner is lying to us, even if every logical sign is to the contrary. The problem arises when we choose to ignore these feelings.

‘I knew something wasn’t right from the start,’ my client will tell me, a month after her date has run off with her best friend. ‘But I hoped for the best.’ If only she’d listened to her inner wisdom.

How to tap into that intuition

Often, our minds are ﬁlled with daily chores, worries and problems. When our mind is full like this, we’re far away from our intuition and, as a result, we make bad decisions — particularly when it comes to relationships.

So set aside half an hour a day to clear your mind. Turn off the radio, TV and your mobile phone, close your eyes and let go of your thoughts and worries.

Intuitive thought comes from a calm place, but it also comes from taking notice of the signs the world is giving you . . .

SEVEN RULES OF INTUITION

Rule One: Believe In Yourself

The minute you begin to doubt yourself, your intuition stops talking to you.

Rule Two: Relax

The mind must be calm to let the right energy come through.

Rule Three: Listen to your dreams

Intuitive thoughts often come to us in dreams. So when you wake up, jot down as many details as you can remember, which will help make clearer the messages your dreams are trying to give you.

Rule Four: Notice coincidences

If you bump into an old friend, keep in touch. The universe is trying to send you a message — let your intuition be your guide.

Rule Five: Don’t ignore your feelings

Don’t try to suppress negative feelings with a chocolate bar. Instead of snacking to make yourself feel better, face up to what is making you unhappy.

Rule Six: Pay attention to your body

How often have you heard people say such things as ‘He makes me sick to my stomach’? Take time to listen to what your body is saying.

Rule Seven: Practice

No one would take an exam without study. It’s the same with intuition — use it every day to build up your powers.

UNDERSTAND YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIPS

Love cycles

Do you understand why past relationships ended? I’ve counselled many clients who have lived out the same bad relationship over and over again. Their partners change, but the relationship is the same.

Here are the ﬁve negative love cycles I see clients repeat over and over again:

You never get past the first few dates;
He leaves you for his ex;
He stops calling you;
He cheats on you;
He’s never good enough for you.

Don’t ignore psychic alarm bells

Now that we’ve identified the cycles, it’s time to take responsibility for your past relationships. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck with negative feelings. What warning signs did you ignore in the relationship?

Have you ever replayed a situation in your head after a relationship has ended and said to yourself ‘I knew something wasn’t right when he said that’? That’s a psychic alarm bell.

Look at your past two relationships or dating experiences and see if you can identify the alarm bells.

Write out three or four pages about each one, from how you met to how it all ended. Now, take a good look at what you’ve written and work out which warning signs you chose to ignore.

Did he ever talk about his former girlfriend and, if so, how did you feel at the time? Were there any unexplained date cancellations? What were the situations that gave you cause for alarm, but you brushed over?

You will see there was at least one alarm bell, and most likely four or ﬁve. Here is the important part: Learn from them. Look out for them in your next relationship.

Asking painful questions

Ask your intuition why you seek out these kinds of relationship. It might be painful, but it’s only in taking responsibility that you can move on.

If you never get past a few dates, is it because you are picking partners you aren’t suited to? If so, why?

If you keep going for men with former girlfriends in the wings, is it because you don’t think you really deserve a man with a clean slate?

And if no man is ever good enough for you, is it really because a bad relationship or complicated family background left you terrified of being hurt?

The biggest block to finding true love is self-esteem. Tune in to your higher self to access the confident, happy, loving you.

‘SEE’ YOUR SOULMATE

Now that you’ve reconciled your past, it’s time to look to the future.

I’m always amazed by how few people have taken the time to consider who is their perfect partner — Mr Right.

The Power of 100

This is a psychic tool to imagine your perfect mate. Take a piece of paper and write out at least 100 things you would like in your future partner.

You could include ‘qualities’ such as ‘loves watching EastEnders’ and ‘can ride a bike with no hands’. Write only positive statements.

Once you’ve noted the qualities you would like, you will have a picture of the person with whom you want to spend your life.

Believe it or not, that person exists and is on his way. Your soulmate might be a new person or an old friend who drifts back into your life at exactly the right moment.

DATING

Mind-reading when you meet

Feelings are the messengers of the intuition. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re spending time with a new love interest. Most people have a few nerves when they’re dating, especially if they’re really interested in someone, and this is ﬁne. But do you feel anything else? Happiness? Comfort or discomfort? Unusual levels of anxiety? Take note.

How to spot Mr Wrong

You might meet people who aren’t good relationship material — you’ll need your intuition to be on the alert for men who aren’t what they seem to be.

There are three types of Mr Wrong: Married Men, Players and Commitment-phobes. Each comes with his own early warning system. If he pays only with cash and can’t see you at weekends — is he married? If he says charming things, but his actions say he couldn’t care less — is he a game player?

Listen to those psychic alarm bells.

How to spot Mr Right

Once you’ve got past the first few dates, how do you know love is long-term? Your intuition has a special way of showing you that a man genuinely cares.

There are many psychic love signs — he might choose dates that match your taste — but mostly it is just a feeling. Finding Mr Right will make you feel warm, contented, special and safe.

By tuning in to your powers of intuition you will find this true love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Why I Prefer for the Woman to Make the First Move

May 3, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

For 23 years, I’ve always felt like it’s been my responsibility to make the first move in dating situations.

It’s not like anyone has ever formally told me this would be my responsibility either.

It’s just one of those concepts that has been instilled in me by society — whether through popular culture or other forms of media — for about as long as I can remember.

And I’m not sure why.

I feel we’re at a place right now, as humans, where gender shouldn’t affect our behavior — or, at the very least, shouldn’t restrict it.

I’m sure there are women at the bar who would love to approach a guy they’re interested in but stray away from doing so because of conventional dating standards.

At the same time, I’d love for a woman to approach me. Here’s why.

1. I’m shy, also.

It’s difficult to always be the one responsible for making any type of first move.

If I don’t make an attempt to approach you, it doesn’t always mean I’m not interested in you — it’s just that we, as men, can get shy too. And rejection isn’t always how we’d like to end the night.

It would definitely be refreshing for you to approach us once in a while, especially if you’re just sitting around hoping we’ll approach you.

At the end of the day, the first move is just that — the first of many potential moves.

We might just be too shy to make it, early on.

2. I won’t spend half the conversation wondering if I’m bothering you.

It’s difficult trying to create something out of nothing, and conversation is definitely not the exception, especially when you’re approaching a complete stranger at the bar and can’t really tell whether or not he or she is into you — or just entertaining your presence out of politeness.

And while we appreciate your efforts to conserve our egos, if your intentions aren’t on the same plane as ours, it’s really only leading us further down the rabbit hole.

For that reason, if we’re not 100 percent certain there’s chemistry, we may end up pulling the plug on our next move entirely, just to avoid bothering you.

3. I like a girl who knows what she wants.

Women who aren’t sure what they want are usually the ones who end up getting hurt, further down the road.

With that said, part of maturity is understanding what qualities to look for in another person and striving towards that.

It’s attractive to see a woman who is mature enough to act on her desires, regardless of any social “norms” that would suggest against it.

It will also lead to more successful relationships as a result of her being proactive about her own wants.

4. You don’t settle.

Nowadays, people are terrified of being single; they’ll settle for the first person who walks into their lives and shows them some attention.

Naturally, this is not a recipe for success. This is actually the fast lane to failure.

In my mind, “settling” comes from a place of insecurity. The way I see things, if you know your own self-worth, you’ll make sure you get something — or someone — you deserve.

It might take time, and it definitely requires more effort than just waiting for your number to get called — regardless of who’s calling it.

5. It’s intimidating, and I find that sexy.

If a woman ever approached me at the bar, to be quite honest, I think I’d be a bit taken aback. But not in the bad way, frankly, I think I’d be impressed.

See, a woman who makes the first move shows she can thrive on the offensive side of things, too — and that can be intimidating.

But it’s also extremely sexy — the same way Angelina Jolie maintains equal parts intimidation and sexy.

In fact, I feel like Angelina Jolie has no trouble picking up guys at the bar, or had no trouble doing so back when she was single.

And I’m all about that.

6. I know your intentions from the jump.

I feel like the whole concept of flirting or courting another human being is a game; you want to show the other person you’re interested, but at the same time, you don’t want to show your hand too early on and risk coming on too strong.

A lot of times, however, men will misread the “signals” within this game of dating.

I mean, you might think you’re “playing hard to get,” but I might just take it as you’re not into me and back off.

When a girl takes it upon herself to make the first move, I won’t have to worry about trying to read — or misread — signals; I’ll already have a head start on deciphering your intentions from the get.

7. It shows me you’re confident.

Confidence is the most attractive human quality imaginable, so to see you walk up to me — without any fear of rejection — will always be sexy.

It also tells me you’re not insecure about certain aspects of your character or appearance, which is why you chose not to hide in the corner of the bar like the rest of the girls.

When I see a confident woman, it only makes me want to find out exactly what it is behind it — or what’s driving it.

That’s the basis of intrigue, and it will only encourage a more upfront, give-no-f*cks dynamic to the chase.

8. I know you don’t want to be “just friends.”

There’s nothing worse than pressing a certain girl for days, even months, only to find out she’s made reservations for your ass in the “friend zone” since the very beginning.

I mean, it’s not that you’re uninterested in being friends with her; it’s just that you haven’t been on the same page as her, which becomes frustrating.

If women made the first move more often, we’d be able to distinguish between “friends” and “potential dating options,” which suddenly makes everything clearer.

After all, in most cases, it’s better to keep those eggs separated.

9. You defy convention.

It’s 2015; there shouldn’t be “norms” that still hold the greater population hostage to certain social situations.

If you’re a woman who sees a guy she likes, go talk to him. I doubt we — the entire male gender — will decide to just abandon any responsibility to reciprocate.

It’s not like that. We’re all humans here, humans with needs and wants — and we should all feel free to act upon these desires, regardless of our gender.

10. You’re not the type of girl who waits for things to come to her.

The fact that you possess the ability to see something you want and go and get it is a testament to your overall ambition.

It will show us you’re not complacent relative to matters of life. More importantly, it shows us you’re not complacent regarding the people in your life, either.

It doesn’t make you any less “feminine” to go approach a male at the bar. I’m not sure how gender even comes into play, quite frankly, with respect to making the first move.

When you see something you want, you should feel free to pursue it — regardless of gender or any societal norm urging you to wait for someone else.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article