Tim and Sarah McEown never saw their 22-year age difference as an obstacle in their relationship, until Tim had a heart attack.
Curated by Erbe
Original Source
Tag: Dating
Breaking Up Without Breaking Down
Breaking up is the worst. Adjusting to life after you’ve ended a relationship you’ve emotionally, sexually, and financially invested in, is effing terrible, even if you’re the one who broke things off. Trust me, I break up a lot, and it never gets any easier. And while I can’t promise that I always follow my own advice to a tee every time a relationship goes belly-up, I can tell you that this simple roadmap will make adjusting to newly single life a lot less difficult.
Set Boundaries for Contact
Breakups can flatten you emotionally, but you’re going to have to keep it together enough to handle the practical parts of separating. Even if you and your ex-sweetie didn’t combine finances or cohabitate, chances are you’ll need to coordinate the return of a few personal items, fill out some paperwork, or negotiate who gets custody of the Netflix and HBO Go passwords. Be very clear about your needs in terms of scheduling, and be honest with yourself about whether or not you can handle seeing your ex face to face. Text messages and email are great ways to communicate effectively while still preserving some privacy if that’s what you need. If you’re dealing with big stuff like mortgages or vehicles, be sure to have a lawyer handle that. For the little things, see if a friend can help out by picking up those books you left at his apartment or dropping off that spare key you’re holding onto.
Go Easy on Mutual Friends
Speaking of friends, don’t be a jerk to the ones who know both of you! While “friendship custody” can definitely be a thing, don’t pressure your friends to cut ties with your former partner. If they want to talk about the breakup or what she’s up to now and you’re not in the mood, gently remind them that you’re hurting and that you’d prefer to steer clear of those topics. Do your best not to take out any residual anger, jealousy, or grief you have for your partner out on your pals, and be sure to check in before you launch into an unscheduled vent session. If you find that some friends are keeping their distance from you while staying buddy-buddy with your ex, respect their choice, but find a way to let them know if you’re feeling hurt by the loss of their friendship. In most cases, clearing up this awkwardness will get that relationship back on solid ground.
Indulge in Self-Care
Processing the end of a romance on top of your everyday obligations is tough. Schedule time out from your job, family obligations, and social life to pamper yourself. That can mean different things for different people–athletes might schedule in extra time at the gym or prepping for a half-marathon, foodies might take a day to tour a local farm and cook a gourmet meal, and fashionistas might start the day at the spa and finish up with a shopping spree. Also be sure to pamper yourself daily, taking time to reflect in your own way by meditating, journaling, or calling a friend to take emotional inventory and keep yourself in balance
Why We Love, Why We Cheat
Anthropologist Helen Fisher takes on a tricky topic – love – and explains its evolution, its biochemical foundations and its social importance. She closes with a warning about the potential disaster inherent in antidepressant abuse.
How about Making Yourself Online Datable
Online dating is part of the modern single person’s landscape. Everyone’s doing it, and most of us are doing it wrong!
There are certainly good things about dating on OKCupid, Match.com and Tinder- if you’re new to an area, if you want to meet people out of your regular social circle, or if, in the case of eharmony.com, you want to meet divorced Christian dads in the suburbs- but these formats have their own particular do’s and dont’s.
Here’s a list of common mistakes the online bachelor can avoid (to not kill chances of a possible date):
- A Woman in Headshot- When I see a dude on a dating site with his arm around a pretty lady, I don’t think “Hey, she’s really pretty, I’d better step up my game”, I think “well, if he hadn’t pissed her off, he wouldn’t be floating around like a loser online still”, which is where, you may point out, I am also floating.
- A Blurred or Cropped Out Woman in Headshot – Hey, I feel for you guys. Unlike women, who celebrate every dinner, haircut, and outfit with a photo session, guys only get pictures taken when they’re on a date with someone or when they are on a bass boat. Please try and get a decent selfie, or ask a friend “Hey bro, can you do me a favor? I need a picture of myself.”
- Abs Pictures- Sure, he stopped eating bread and he does five thousand crunches a day, but when’s the last time he read something longer than the list of ingredients on a protein shake? A tendency to post pictures of one’s torso sometimes speaks to a desire to show it to many people.
- Generic First Message. There are real studies saying it doesn’t matter what your first message is, and the best method is to scattershoot HEY HOW ARE YOU to a hundred women a week, but I have personally never responded to a HEY HOW ARE YOU message, and can’t imagine I would do so unless it was sent by Johnny Depp.
- LONG Opening Message, mentioning EVERY interest and hobby I have and their thoughts about it. This starts to feel stalkery. Wait, how did you know I’m eating a bagel? Are you watching me right now?
- Talking Solely About My Appearance: it doesn’t seem like there’s a desire to find out about my personality, right?
- Pen Pals- Once we’ve established contact, and written a couple messages back and forth, ask me out. I’m here for men pals, not pen pals! Also, if you live five hundred miles away, don’t message me- this is not a sexy chat service and I’m not coming to visit you in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas. Ever. Unless you are Edward Scissorhands or Captain Jack Sparrow. Then, anything is possible.
10 Signs He’s a Keeper
He might be falling in love with you
1. He makes a point to check in with you before making plans. The two of you might not yet be at the point where you naturally spend every weekend together, but he checks in with you before making plans to go on trips or away for a day to visit his family. Because you have plan priority.
2. He gets upset if he doesn’t hear from you all day. That “Hey, how was your day” text means not only was he thinking of you, but he’s wondering what you were doing that was so much better than messaging him.
3. He assumes you’re his de-facto plus one. When he says, “Hey, I have a wedding in November” as a way of inviting you instead of actually asking, it means he’s taking things pretty seriously.
4. He makes a point to take you to his favorite places. He takes you to his favorite bar or “the best” (in his mind) place to get pizza. This means he’s letting you into his world. He’s saying, “I trust you not to lurk outside of this place with a knife, waiting for me to show up if I ever break up with you.” That’s a big deal.
5. He sits through Scandal because he knows it’s your favorite. No man would want to sit through a girly show unless he’s either (1) trying to have sex with you or (2) trying to get brownie points. If he’s already had sex with you, then he’s just trying to rack up the points. And no guy cares about getting in your good graces unless he actually cares about your good graces in the first place. If he didn’t see things going anywhere, he wouldn’t waste five hours of his time binge-watching Gilmore Girls with you.
Six Signs You Are Ready For A Keeper
Yep. You read that title right. There are tons of articles about how to know if the object of your affection is a keeper. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say that whether they are or not is immaterial if you are not ready to reciprocate keeper status. It is difficult to know if you are ready for a keeper. As always, I can only speak from my personal experience, but here are a few things that had to shift significantly before I was ready to keep and be ‘kept’.
1. You Are Looking For Your Equal.
One of the great romantic myths is that your significant other completes you in some way, that one plus one equals a happy whole. That implies that you are each half people stumbling around in the dark waiting for your life to begin once you find that missing puzzle piece. But I’d rather see it as finding someone who compliments you – two complete humans who together form an awesome team.
Here’s another way of looking at it: Why would you want to be with someone with whom the balance is uneven? Why ‘settle’ for someone – it will only lead to resentment. Or, why put yourself in a position of deference, constantly trying to prove your worth to someone? Ultimately, mutual respect will breed relationship longevity. Not as sexy as co-dependency, sure, but absolutely vital if you want something substantial.
2. You Are Able To See Things As They Are.
Forget X-Ray vision – the ability to see things as they are is the true super power! It is one that I have occasionally and one that makes life easier in general. When you can see things as they are (i.e. not how you would like them to be, nor a catastrophized version), then you know what you are working with and have the power to decide whether this person is right for you. An added bonus that comes from being a seer of The Truth Of Things is that you kinda have to give up the idea of changing someone. The ability to accept someone unconditionally is another step on the way to keeper status because you get to practice one half of that romantic ideal – unconditional love.
3. You Would Rather Be Single Than In A Not So Great Relationship
So now that you’ve gained that elusive aforementioned super power and you realize that you can’t change anyone and that the choice is always yours, it becomes pointless to continue pursuing something that is not right for you. Standing on your own takes courage. It can be lonely being single. But in my experience it is so much lonelier being in a relationship that isn’t working. Ultimately, I think it comes down to this – if you are holding on to someone that isn’t making your heart sing, then there is no room for anyone else. Clear the space and do the work. Which brings me to…
6 Traits Men Find Incredibly Irresistible
He’s looking for these traits and they have nothing to do with looks!
While a sultry dress and stilettos may make him look, what really gets him going might surprise you.
So you’ve spotted a guy who looks like he could be the man of your dreams across the room, and before you know it, he’s noticed you too. He walks over, gives you a cheesy (but cute) opening line, and now you’re talking to him.
You and I both know that you are all that, but right now he only knows that you look great. So what will make him realize that you really are the girl he’s been waiting his whole life for and make him want to retire his little black book for good? Here are 6 personality traits that will make just about any guy fall head over heels for you.
1. You’re Not Easily Impressed
You’re not the type of woman that gets all dreamy eyed just because an attractive guy has decided to talk to you. You know that you’re the one doing the choosing. Of course, in any good relationship both partners have to choose each other, and for the right reasons, but what we’re talking about here are those first fledgling hours and subsequent dates.
The point here is not to pretend that you aren’t interested while your heart is actually fluttering and you’re secretly concerned that you’re starting to sweat; instead, consciously realize that you’re not sure if he’s all that either — after all, you just met him, how could you possibly know anything more about him than how he looks, walks and smiles?
That’s just not much to go on. So, approach the situation as exactly what it is — you think he’s superficially attractive, but he’s going to have to prove to you that he’s worth talking to, much less giving your number to. Look at this as a chance to find out if he really is a guy that you want to get to know better.
Men love this because they truly want to win you over; they’re biologically wired for the chase, so let him chase you. If you’re interested, and think he’s attractive, that will automatically show through your body language. You’ll be smiling, laughing at his jokes, your eyes will light up, and he’ll notice that.
But he’ll also notice that you’re clearly not desperate, because you know that you’re a great catch, and now it’s time for him to show you why he’d be a great catch. We’re not talking about playing games like intentionally acting uninterested or walking away from him after ten minutes.
Just be who you actually are — a woman who finds him attractive on the surface, but who needs to find out what’s underneath to be convinced that he’s the right guy for you. You know that it will take more than a few minutes (or even a few dates) for him to convince you of that.
2. You Know You’ve Really Got It Going On
You know you’re all that (and more), but not in an arrogant way. You’ve got that kind of quiet confidence that allows you to feel comfortable in almost any situation because you feel good about yourself and your capabilities.
When you’re confident your body language shows it in the way you make eye contact, the way you carry yourself, and your easy smile. Men can’t help but go gaga over a woman who’s just so sure of herself.
3. You Feel Sexy
It’s not about looking sexy, it’s about feeling sexy. I’m not talking about that low cut dress and stiletto heels kind of sexy — I’m talking about the kind of sensual, self-assured, comfortable in your own skin (and oh what beautiful skin) kind of sexy. When you feel sexy, it will automatically show through your body language, the way you move, and the way you smile.
The best way to feel sexy? It’s not about what you’re wearing on the outside; wear your sexiest lingerie underneath your outfit, even if it’s jeans and a sweatshirt at a spring barbeque. Even though you know that nobody will see it but you at the end of the evening, by wearing your soft, sexy, silky lingerie you know in your mind that it would knock the socks off of the guy you’re talking to, and that shows through. When you feel sexy, you’ll be sexy.
4. You’re Interesting
You have your own life, and wow, it’s pretty good. Guys want to know that once the two of you start dating you won’t be looking for them to be your sole source of a social life and happiness in general. Nobody wants the clinger – the girl who has no social life of her own except for going out with her girlfriends looking for men. Guys know that this girl won’t be interested in doing that once she settles down, and are afraid that then she’ll want to do everything with him.
Most men highly value their alone time, and they need to know that they won’t lose all of it if they’re in a relationship with you. It’s as simple as mentioning a project that you’re working on (non-career related), talking about an interesting course that you’re taking for fun, or a weekend getaway you have planned with your girlfriends. By casually letting him know that you have other interests (you do, right?) and that you like to spend time and have plans with your friends, he’ll feel good knowing that you’ll be ok without him when he needs his alone time.
5. You’re Interested
You want to find out more about this cute guy you just met, right? So you’re asking a few questions about him — where he grew up, how many siblings he has, any pets? Not to the point of it sounding like an interview, and certainly not questions that are inappropriately personal, but generally you’re showing him that you’re interested in getting to know him better (and you are, right?) This makes him realize that once you’re in a relationship together it won’t just be all about you.
6. You’re glowing
People that are happy, exuberant, enthusiastic, and have a great attitude towards life are very attractive to other people. It’s like there’s a light that shines from your eyes and your smile, and surrounds you, bathing you in its translucent beauty.
It’s a of mix of confidence, physical and emotional health, self-esteem, and loving your life. Men can’t help but pick up on this energy and get drawn in by it. It may have been what brought him over to you in the first place, and he’ll be so intrigued by this vibrant gem that he’s found that he won’t be able to tear himself away.
This inner glow is not something you can fake, and I know it’s not always easy to feel when you’ve been dateless for a while and may be starting to feel down on yourself and your life. If you’re not feeling the glow right now, then it may be time to take a break from the search and work on improving your happiness, confidence levels, and self-esteem.
The best way to start feeling good about yourself and your life simply involves doing things that you love, being healthy (physically and emotionally), and getting some accomplishments under your belt, even if they’re relatively simple ones.
Try your hand at something new, something slightly intimidating, and keep at it until you’ve become relatively proficient. Accomplishing things that you were initially afraid to try can be an excellent confidence booster and add tremendously to your excitement and zeal for life.
The key to each of these really boils down to being your best, authentic self. If you can focus on being true to yourself, following your own interests without trying to be something different than what you are, then everything else will fall into place.
Once you stop trying to go against your own true nature you’ll discover your own sense of self, you’ll feel more confident and happy, you’ll be more excited about life, you’ll be more loving, and you’ll start to attract the same into your life. You’ll be nothing less than irresistible.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
When Casual Sex Becomes Less… Casual
Sex is emotional. It’s an emotional activity that us humans enjoy participating in and for me it’s hella emotional. I personally wish occasionally that I could turn off my emotion faucet. It would save me a lot of trouble and a lot of regret filled text messages and a lot of crying in the bathroom at work situations. It seems that without me even trying, I often, with the help of oxytocin, hormones, and having apes as my ancestors, become attached to the naked person beside me, and that is never not complicated. Attachment and complication are basically synonyms.
See, we’re animals and being an animal includes sometimes not choosing who our heart wants to hook up with for a long while and that sucks. It sucks the big one, and not in a good way. ‘Cause not choosing who we want to hook up with for a long while can result in feelings being hurt/torn apart/shattered into a million pieces that cannot be put back together even if you block everyone on instagram. You sleep with another person in hopes that the previous person will be lobotomized but your stupid, idiot brain won’t delete the memories of them. In fact, your brain keeps rerunning those blissful moments like they’re a goddamn episode of Seinfeld.
And you’re like “Hey, brain, can you find something else to focus your energy on for a bit?” and your brain is like “Sure! How about I focus it on your taxes and remember that time he told you that your skin was soft? Let’s think about that for three hours”. This attachment is only made more complicated when you have agreed with the naked person that there would not be any form of attachment. That your hooking up would remain at a hooking up level and Christmases would not be spent at each other’s houses ever. Yet, regardless of that iron clad agreement, your stupid, idiot brain is all “Check out this image of you rubbing his head in your bed on your birthday! WASN’T THAT FUN/ ISN’T THIS CRUEL?”
And you can always sense this unwanted attachments arrival. Suddenly, you’re waiting for them to text you every single day. Suddenly, you’re willing to lose a ton of sleep just to have a conversation with them about dinosaurs. Suddenly, you get upset thinking about how holding their hand in public will continue to be an unfulfilled desire. Suddenly, when they mention seeing other naked people, it stings. It didn’t for two months, but now, you can’t bear hearing about it. You’re attached and you don’t want to be, but there is no going back at this point. You’ve shared too many childhood experiences. You’ve romantically spooned for too many hours. You’ve gotten late morning cheap brunch together too many times.
I didn’t comprehend this idea of unwanted attachment until recently when I began doing the casual thing for the first time. Before two years ago, I didn’t know what “casual” was or why it existed or how it smelled. I was in three long-term relationships back to back and even if I thought my first intercoursing with each boyfriend could possibly only be one night of awkward passion, the oral sex always seemed to lead to them meeting my mother a few weeks later. My process of coitus was: ask out a man/be asked out, go on said date with man who asked/was asked, fornicate with above mentioned man, and repeat for two years straight.
This resulted in me only having three copulation partners at 26-years-old, thus I was curious. I was curious about boinking random strangers I met at dive bars and/or friends of mine who I had a consistent flirt-on with and/or anyone on my “crushing hard on these peens” list. I was curious about fearing that I was impregnated by a generic dude named Mike who I couldn’t communicate with because he only checked Facebook once a year. I was curious about getting tested at the doctor and wondering “BUT WHAT IF??!?!” I was curious about the stand of the one night.
It all sounded daring and delicious and dangerous. So, after my last BF and I decided to call it mutual quits, I promised myself to remain single for at least 6 months, which turned into 12 months which turned into 24 months. And while I was pursuing singledom, I wanted to make sure I banged as many butts as I could and boy did I ever! I banged them butts like banging butts was going out of style and the world was about to end by butt explosion and my butt banging coupons were going to expire any day now.
There have been fun times. There have been not-fun times. There have been fun then not-fun then fun again then definitely not-fun at all times. I am happy that I did it and proud of myself that I delved into the scary world of non-committed horizontal tangoing. But, it has come with its problems, the major one being unwanted attachment. My attached to naked persons was guaranteed wanted before two years ago. I didn’t worry about saying “I like you” or having a texting limit or PDAs. I mean, the oral sex led to them meeting my mother every single time.
But, suddenly, I was late for work ‘cause I was up until 4 am conversing about dinosaurs with a body that was not my boyfriend’s. They weren’t necessarily my friend but they weren’t more than my friend either. They were just… a guy I slept with regularly. I haven’t wanted “more” with a bunch of guys I have slept with. In fact, I’ve wanted less. I’ve wanted the sleeping with them to not exist in history. But, then, with others, I’ve desired for them to hold my hand. I’ve hoped that they weren’t seeing other naked people, or at the very least, they didn’t enjoy seeing them naked as much as they enjoyed seeing me naked. I’ve hoped that I could eat turkey with their family at Christmas.
I’ve often wondered, “What does one do in such a situation? Do they end it? Do they continue on and pretend as if they’re totally cool with it? Do they ask for something deeper?” And I still don’t have an answer. Two years later. It seems that timing is a big factor in the “more” decision. Two people can both be attached but those attachments are unwanted due to circumstances out of their control. Or the circumstances are in their control but they, like me 24 months ago, made a promise to themselves and they want to keep it. Or their attachment to another naked person is greater than their attachment to you.
Whatever the reason, it stings. It never doesn’t sting and the stinging does not go, disappear quickly or easily.
What I have learned is that sex is hella emotional and I can’t change that. I can’t turn off my emotion faucet. If I hook up with someone and my heart chooses them, so be it. If I want them to hold my hand or text me dinosaur images in the middle of the night or meet my mom that’s okay. I don’t have to pretend that I’m totally cool with it being casual. I’m not ashamed of becoming attached. I’m actually starting to wish it happened more often. ‘Cause I’m realizing how special that attachment is, especially when it’s wanted by everyone.
Science of the Friend Zone
Did you know there is a scientific explanation for the “Friend Zone”? Can you get out of the friend zone and should you even try?
Curated by Erbe
Original Source
A Practical Guide To Threesomes: And Lady Makes Three…
The Menage a Trois: It’s said to be every man’s fantasy, and maybe it’s yours, too- but it can be intimidating. Of course, there are many flavors of threesomes- I’m going to address the M-F-F scenario here, but there are some good tips for everyone.
Full disclosure: (Ooh! Sounds Sexy)
I’ve been both women in the threesome scenario. I’ve been in the couple that invites another woman in, (the host), and I’ve been the visiting woman, the guest.
For many years I wondered what the motivation for the guest could be. As a host, I’m having a sexy adventure with my partner that we can enjoy reliving together again and again, and she’s likely just having a one-night stand with us when she could be out having sex with single people. Later, I had my first experience as a guest and found that the advantage of being the visitor is that you’re the dang superstar! Being the guest is giving everyone that electric first kiss, helping a couple you’re attracted to have good sex, and hopefully having some yourself!
I know that there are sometimes three-ways where nobody is a couple, but that sounds like chaos, just two girls climbing over each other, hissing, trying to establish dominance. I have no tips for that one but hide your wallet and use condoms.
Good advice for the host:
- Despite what happens in porn, don’t invite your close friend, or someone you see all the time to join you in the bedroom. That can make relationships awkward. Do you really want your fella to know what having sex with your bestie is like? The internet gives opportunities to meet all sorts of people! Take advantage of it! In the 1950’s, you would have had to take a personal out in a swinger’s magazine distributed exclusively in truck stops to find a willing third. Now, you can put an app on your phone and screen partners over lunch!
- Concentrate on finding a woman you feel curious about- odds are good your honey will agree.
- Don’t pick someone as a third that either of you are romantically interested in – the situation is too complicated as it is. Be honest with yourself.
- Talk rules over with your partner and set boundaries beforehand. Would you prefer to limit sex to oral? Are there things you want your partner not to do? Discuss them with your new friend.
Couple Travels The World And Proves Love Doesn’t Have To Slow You Down
We love to see an adventurous couple explore their love in exotic locations.
It’s no secret your soulmate makes the ultimate travel companion.
If there’s one couple that knows this, it’s Jay Alvarrez and his 18-year-old girlfriend, Alexis Ren.
We first introduced you to this dynamic duo with their incredible GoPro video that captured the couple living the California dream.
If you thought that looked amazing, you’ll be glad to know their adventures aren’t confined to the state of California.
In fact, these sun-kissed love birds have explored all sorts of exotic destinations across the globe and managed to capture some incredible Instagram photos of their epic journey along the way.
Whether Jay and Alexis are hitting up the beaches of Hawaii, hiking through the mountains or hovering through the skies in a helicopter, it’s pretty obvious being in a relationship hasn’t slowed these two down or tamed their desire to travel the world together.
Meet Jay and his girlfriend, Alexis.
When this Cali couple isn’t soaking up the sun at home…
…they’re going on grand adventures…
…as they travel all over the world together.
These two prove love has no boundaries…
…and being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to tame your adventurous spirit.
Whether these two are hovering over beautiful cities…
Newly Coupled: the Learning Curve
Adjusting from being single to being in a relationship can be difficult, to say the least. Believe me, I know. I went from ten years in a relationship to seven years out – not for want of trying I might add – to now being firmly ensconced in one for a year or so. In honor to celebrate the wondrous feat that is one full year of grown up love, I thought I’d make a list of a few of the dumb things I said early on, in the “getting used to someone being in my life” phase.
Fitting, right? I hope you can learn from my mistakes.
Here goes… This is in no apparent order – chronological, humiliation factor or otherwise.
1. “I hope to be with you as long as I can.”
I’ll come clean with you and say I had a pathological fear of forever. I am less afraid of it now but still don’t really believe in it. It went the way of my twenties. My previous relationship – the one that lasted ten years – had the big FOREVER stamp on it. When that ended, I realized nothing is as certain as USPS stamps, certainly not love. That’s not to say I don’t believe that love or a relationship can’t last a lifetime. (Triple negative!) In fact, that is what led me to say the stupid thing above. I was feeling those forever feelings – wanting the flush of new love to never end, savoring that deep warm connection between two like souls, desiring nothing more than to bask in his glow FOREV – for as long as I could… Despite what I was feeling, my previous experiences had told me that forever did not exist in the real world. And I did not want to jinx this new love, not after being in the wilderness for so long. Hence the more realistic phrasing of what I was wishing for. I said it more than once. Truth be told I said it so often it could have become my jaded yet feisty sitcom character’s catchphrase. My boyfriend was kind enough to smile, say “me too” and continue to make out with me on the couch each time. It was only months later when I had stopped that he pointed out the absurdity of it all. And by that time I had graduated to saying ‘I love you’ when those forever feelings arose.
2. “ I don’t believe in missing people”
I can’t remember the exact words but the sentiment was the above. Let me set the scene. We were about three weeks into going steady and my beau was driving me to the airport. Before we met, I had booked an awesome trip to Toronto to see friends. It was my treat to me and I was very excited. He, however, was less than enthusiastic about the prospect of me leaving for ten days and had already told me a few times before how much he’d miss me. From my Zen-like high horse, I gently implied that missing people is a sure sign of not being in the present moment and that I tried to live my life in the present. He looked a little forlorn. Clearly, not the response he was hoping for. But I was proud of myself for not feeling forced to say something I didn’t feel at the time. The irony, of course, was that I ended up missing him intensely, which was super confusing for this fiercely independent woman. We would talking for an hour each day and I even told him I loved him for the first time on the phone from three time zones away. The longest three seconds of my life was waiting for his response.
I Survived: A Run-in with my Ex
Despite being someone whose list of romantic partners is probably on the lower than average side of the spectrum, I still do find myself running into the occasional ex. Moving across the country a few years ago really lowered the chances of bumping into the vast majority of them. And not to brag too much, but for the most part I think my exes and I are happy enough to see each other. But there’s always that one, isn’t there?
Somehow, despite the fact that my “that one,” I’ll call her Sara, lives around the block from two of my friends, and despite the fact that we’ve often gotten pie and all day breakfast at the greasy spoon that is within sight of her front door, it didn’t happen for almost three years. And it didn’t even happen near their place or at that diner, but rather an ice cream shop several blocks away. Which frankly is pretty rude of her — like I know she absolutely didn’t plan to see me any more than I planned to see her but still, ice cream was involved. Let’s not initiate sadness please. This is a safe place.
I desperately hoped she hadn’t seen me when she walked in, and I diverted my eyes away from her and towards my friend while muttering, “Oh God, my ex is here.” I was unsuccessful in that, as we both made accidental eye contact while she diverted her eyes away from me and towards her friend (date?) that she’d seen me. This became increasingly clear when she decided to be the bigger person and come towards me. It technically was in violation of the “please never speak to me again” request I had made of her the last time we’d texted, but I suppose no statute of limitation had been defined. That’s on me; important rule to remember for next time.
I don’t want to dwell too much on the history of our relationship, which admittedly was hardly even worth the “R” word. Not long after we parted ways a friend of mine and I were talking about the film 500 Days of Summer, and how in that movie the only real ‘sin’ that Zooey Deschanel’s character commits is that she continued to stay with someone that she didn’t really have feelings for, despite his seemingly strong feelings for her. That’s really all Sara did with me. She just chose the worst time in my life to do that.
Desperately Seeking A Relationship Disaster
I’m a relationship expert. I’ve had so many relationships, how could I not be? I’ve had a ton of bad ones, which is where the majority of my expertise lies, and a few good ones that I’ve managed to transform into disasters. Now, I know that many of you are in solid relationships, the kind that make you feel loved, valued, and respected. Spending your time enjoying life, doing things that expand your human experience, instead of worrying constantly, and tunnel-visioning everything onto your unrequited beloved? Girl, I don’t know how you live like that! So here’s a few tips, direct from my wealth of experience, to help you take your awesome pairing straight into the trashcan. Now, I’ve used male pronouns, because my personal experience to this point has been with men, but these tips work with any gender and/or sexuality, so please plug in whichever words work best for you.
1. Care about Facebook:
Okay, when I want to tank a relationship, this is usually where I’ll start. I like to begin by throwing logic to the wind, and taking everything personally. I consider every woman who likes his posts/tweets/photos a threat. I’ll assume the worst about all situations, and expect that he’s probably sending dirty Facebook messages and dick-pics to all of them (to be a tiny bit fair to me, this fear is actually based on true history). Now, you may think, “Hey, but I’m not doing that with the guys that like my stuff, why would he?”, so again, I’ll remind you, you must throw logic aside if you want to turn something you trust into something you fear, and what kind of maniac would rather spend their nights enjoying their partner, friends or self, when they could be nanny-watching another adult?
2. Listen to gossip:
After I see suspect things on social media, I like to escalate the story I’ve created in my head by actively seeking out sources of non-factual information that will make me feel even worse. Now, like my first tip, this one also requires shunning logic. I never stop to think about the accuracy of second, third and further-hand information. I forget all about the lessons we’ve learned from playing the telephone game, that the truth gets convoluted more and more with each mouth that chews on it and spits it back out. Gossip is like a diamond, the bigger and more sparkly it is, the more the person possessing it wants to show it off. I like to rely on gossip and social media assumptions instead of direct communication. Having a conversation about my feelings and fears requires me to be vulnerable, which is frightening. Validating my suspicions with fiction leads to anger, which, when it feels justified, masquerades as strength.
3. Dig in:
If I feel like my sweetheart is pulling away, I like to really dig in deeper and hold on tighter. If one is holding a cat that doesn’t want to be held, letting it go will have far less painful results than squeezing tighter, but damnit, if I let go, I won’t be holding something soft and fuzzy anymore. I like to think that if I can just hold on, eventually that cat will stop panicking and feeling smothered and really start enjoying my tight grip, and not scratch my face to ribbons. What a Catch-22. Now, if I was more concerned with my own well-being, maybe I’d see this, instead, as tug-of-war and realize that if the other team is pulling away harder than I’m pulling towards, and I continue to hang on tight, I will only end up sitting in the mud, alone, with rope burns on my hands.
How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It
We love this approach to finding love!
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung
Often when people want a new relationship, they either look for someone to complete them or they imagine sharing their life with someone just like them. So they try to present themselves in the best possible light for their imagined future partner—either as one perfect half of a whole or as an ideal version of what they believe their future partner will want.
In my experience, finding your soul mate requires a different, far more soul-enriching approach. Here are six steps that worked for me:
1. Stop looking for your soul mate and find the missing parts of you.
This may sound counterintuitive, but it’s exactly how I met my husband. I stopped looking for “the one” after a two-year relationship ended, which I had believed was the one. I decided to turn my attention inward—to get to know and accept myself, to heal past wounds, and to explore and develop new parts of myself.
Previously, I needed to be with someone in order to feel content, to have someone love me in order to feel loved. Breaking up with past boyfriends was so painful because it felt as if I was breaking up, as if I was being torn from a part of myself.
What I discovered was that I had to learn to be whole. And when I started to work on that, my life changed.
2. Live your life as you want to live it.
When I started to discover more about myself and to follow my own path, I started to live a life that was meaningful to me. I was no longer following someone else’s rules and ideas about what I should do.
This can disappoint some people close to you, such as your family. But if you want to find fulfillment in your life, you have to fulfill yourself, not someone else!
And doing what is right for you means you will be in places, jobs, and near people that are aligned with your life path, and with you. So you will have a much better chance of meeting your soul mate, because your soul mate will also be connected to your life path.
3. Stop trying to appeal to an imagined, potential partner.
A side effect of leading the life you choose is that you automatically become more attractive. You become more real, authentic, substantial, valuable, passionate, happy, and present. This makes you more beautiful in a natural and effortless way, and it will also make you attractive to your soul mate.
Whereas when you try to make yourself attractive in order to find someone, you alter the way you behave and present yourself so that if your soul mate were to show up, he or she might not even recognize you.
So just be yourself, whether that means you dress in corporate attire or resort wear, or casual clothing or more formal, or if your preference changes at different times.
You don’t need to be a particular weight or have large biceps or wear uncomfortable shoes if you don’t like them. Go to the gym only if you love it, do yoga if you love it, walk or surf or cycle if you enjoy those activities.
A partner who you will be with over the long term will not make a decision about your worth based on a superficial aspect of your appearance. So tap into what feels right for you, do the activities you enjoy, wear the clothes that suit you and in which you feel comfortable.
You will be far more attractive to your soul mate if you look like yourself when you meet them.