Confidence can be the sexiest accessory!
We are naturally drawn to confidence in due to biology. In the animal kingdom, animals choose a leader largely due to confidence portrayed.
How can animals that act on instinct decide which one of them should be the leader?
Curated by Erbe
Original Source
I was in my early twenties when I found who I thought was my soul-mate. We were from similar backgrounds, both boarding school kids, classically educated, but under-qualified. He had dropped out of University and I was on a hiatus from community college. We were both the unconventional members of pretty conventional families. Jan was involved in the periphery of Music, and neither of us had a real job. Jan’s family was wealthier than mine, but I had the advantage of an English accent, and excellent table manners, which won over his mother, if not his big brother. His father was an American who had gone back to the US after a messy divorce, and was only fleetingly in his son’s life.
We met when my musician boyfriend was on tour. Jan was a friend of his, had visited him in LA, and brought back a message for me. Jan and I hit it off right away,we became so close in such a short time, that we were like brother and sister. We were both younger siblings, and had each come from a family of divorce.
When Guy, my boyfriend, returned he moved in to my apartment and found work locally. Jan and I would go and see him play, and to my chagrin Guy would often introduce us to “fans” as though WE were the couple! The reunion lasted six weeks, and when the relationship began to flounder, Jan was right there to offer a shoulder. When the BF moved on Jan moved in.
At first it was a fairly typical rebound relationship: Jan wanted me because I was the rock-star’s ex-girlfriend; bohemian enough to interest him, and classy enough to be comfortable in his home world. I wanted him to prove to my ex that I had moved on, that my heart wasn’t broken, and that I was still attractive. We also cared about each other, which really helped!
In most ways that counted we were compatible, sexually, intellectually and in terms of what we wanted out of life. I was the more extroverted of the two of us, but he was also very social, and our apartment was always filled with friends, we were almost never alone. It was a wonderful life, and if I ever missed my ex I pushed it down.
We both went back to school, he trained as a Recording tech, and I as a Medical tech. we found a rhythm, and we became family.
Time went by fast and suddenly it seemed I was 26, and Jan was 27. I was working in a Childrens’ hospital , dealing with life and death every day, while Jan was working in a recording studio, where getting the right microphone for the drums was his most important task. He was working mostly nights, and I worked days.
I had matured, and it seemed he hadn’t. We had been living together for 5 years, Jan wanted things to stay as they were, but I was becoming restless, needing a change.
I felt that was no longer the same person that I once had been, and though I still liked to socialize, I no longer enjoyed the “sex and drugs and rock’n roll” lifestyle that Jan still lived. I was moving towards my thirties, and I realized that I actually wanted marriage and a family. My biological clock was ticking, and his wasn’t.
One of the problems of having a long-term relationship when quite young, is that we all mature at different rates. There is a reason why most couples have a younger woman/older man dynamic. (On average, husbands are two to four years older than their wives.) Young men are reluctant to commit while still enjoying themselves; on average they delay marriage and fatherhood until later.
I had often thought that perhaps we weren’t together for the right reasons, we were friends first, lovers later, which seems ideal, but I sometimes wondered if there was a lack of passion in our gradual growth to being a pair. Had we ever really been “in love”? was that a necessary component? was ours a “marriage of convenience”? It certainly wasn’t the grand passion that my previous relationship had been.
There reached a point in my mind at which we would either break up, or marry. Then I discovered that he had a key to my best friend’s apartment and they were hooking up behind my back. I guess he had already made the decision, and forgotten to include me in it! Diana was a tall blonde model, the complete antithesis of me – short, curvy and redheaded. (As a friend of mine remarked at the time, when your “marriage” hits a rough patch it’s not a good idea to have something that attractive in your life!).
We broke up, and Jan and my friend became engaged. They married within a year of our break up (I was not invited).
I have had many relationships since then, and though I have been married twice I have never achieved the same “soul-mate” status which Jan and I had. I regret losing him in my live even now. Perhaps it wasn’t a grand passion, but in some ways it was something even better. Too bad we were both too young at the time to recognize it. Though I cannot say that we have remained friends, we have been in touch over the I have followed his career, and congratulated him when he was nominated for a Grammy. We both moved on and have done well, our lives enriched for having known each other.
Many singles find it hard to fit dating into a their busy schedule. What if you didn’t have to look any further than your commute to work?
Thomas Knox of Date While You Wait takes random acts of kindness and dating to amazing impromptu connections.
Curated by Tatiana
Original Source
When I was a teenager I was one of the legions of cliché kids who thought that our romantic futures would actually play out in the same way as they did for the likes of Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything’s amorous kickboxing enthusiast who doesn’t want to buy, sell, or process anything. I truly believed that the right girl was out there for me and that we would meet, hit it off, be separated by some turn of events and I would win her back through the cunning use of a move similar to holding up a boombox.
There were two major obstacles and one complication stopping that from being the case. First there’s the very simple fact that most lovestruck Romeos who seem charming and delightful in film would be creepy and overbearing in real life. Very few real Lloyd Dobler’s have had off-screen conversations between John Cusack and Cameron Crowe in order to decide the perfect song out of that jukebox, nor that same Cameron Crowe writing the woman he’s in love with. A real life Lloyd Dobler would likely be met by his new friend the restraining order. Second, there’s the much more pressing obstacle of the fact that unlike Lloyd Dobler, I was not a man. The added complication: I was the only one who knew that.
There was a significant time in my life when I didn’t actually think this second obstacle would really be one. This teenage rom com-obsessed version of myself had not fathomed that the idea of coming out could ever or would ever be a thing. Even using the term “coming out” wasn’t something I’d let enter my thoughts. I felt, and had convinced myself, that this tiny, inconsequential secret of mine would be one I’d live with my whole life with nary a peep.
I did come out though, at 27 years old. I want to say it was fortunate that I was single at the time of this revelation but the fact is that I have been single for most of my adult life, with the longest relationship I’ve ever been in lasting a mere five months. There are plenty of contributing factors towards this. I’m awkward, I’m geeky, and of course there was that pesky boombox I carried around for way too long. But the romantic impact of having a deep dark secret cannot be underestimated.
It wasn’t that I never dated, it was that *I* never dated. The person who would go out on dates with women that I was attracted to wasn’t me; he was this crafted male avatar, the person I presented to the world. I was a tiny, repressed woman sitting at a console somewhere driving this awkward dude around, so no matter how strongly I felt towards someone, no matter what feelings she may or may not have had back, there was always the fear that she would discover me, think I was a freak, and reject me. Living in constant fear that someone will reject you, usually is a number one cause of someone ultimately rejecting you.
As an analogy, let me reference something that may also further the case for my singlehood, the board game based on the reboot of the science fiction TV series Battlestar Galactica. Without going too deeply into the mythology of the series, one of the aspects of it includes robots passing themselves off as humans. In the board game, at least one player per game is given a card that tells them that they are one of these robots and must attempt to keep that secret hidden throughout the course of play. Of course, having this secret card informs every interaction you make in the game. Even if you’re not intentionally sabotaging the other players, every move you make runs the risk of revealing yourself. Furthermore, every player who isn’t a secret robot is constantly on their guard about these same slip ups and sabotages as well. In the world of real life, potential partners might not be searching specifically for secret robots but the scrutiny of what you may or may not be hiding is always there. While this adversarial tension might make for an exciting board game, it is not a recipe that bodes well for long-term relationship success.
Whenever I’ve spoken to former partners or read about some aspect of trans coming out during a relationship, often the gender identity is not the number one thing they cite as the reason the partnership ended. Almost consistently, the issue has always been, “how could this have been the case all along and I never knew?” The idea that someone so close to us could be keeping such a huge secret usually leads us to believe that they could be keeping more and that we wouldn’t know. For my part, I was never good at keeping secrets from those close to me, which was why I never let anyone get close to me. Now, almost six years out of the closet, I don’t even know how to let people in, because I spent 27 years keeping them out. But I think being honest with them is probably a good start.
I felt wrong. All. the. Time. I couldn’t figure out if I was being abused or if my lack of understanding of any boundaries were closing in on him and he was responding accordingly. Probably both. I underestimated the power of infatuation.
When Jonathan called, his voice was bright and excited. At this point, I hadn’t thought much of him other than that he dressed well in vintage and was a fun person to talk to. By the end of the night, after inadvertently getting caught up spending several hours talking, he was the first to acknowledge the spark, and asked if I wanted to kiss him. I blushed, sputtered out an excuse, and stared straight forward at my steering wheel. I felt something, but at this point it was premature; and my gut clenched up.
As the back and forth in planning our next meet-up transpired, it began to occur to me that I really did want to see him again. Every moment we were together, I found myself swept away and I couldn’t (and had no desire to) shake the daze I found myself caught in.
Between my frequent flyer points and his impressive gifts of return flights surprise trips to Toronto, we somehow saw each other every couple of weeks for the rest of the year. I began making plans to shift my work over to LA as much as possible. We nearly missed every return flight as our feet dragged behind us to the airport to say goodbye, and saying hello never came soon enough.
Of course, the other shoe always loomed above our heads, ready to drop at any moment. I often found myself saying something that would set him into a tailspin, and I would scurry to pick up the pieces. I could never figure out what I was doing wrong, and he would withhold the answers judiciously, like they were part of a test I never read the textbook for. He was very smart, experienced and appeared to have his life together. I was over a decade his junior; though I knew I was smart and capable, I followed his lead like a lost puppy. I was his ball of wax to mold; except that beneath the wax were my previously existing flaws and human characteristics that were not at all complimentary to his. They were eager to poke through at any inconvenient moment.
As you might imagine, the cracks in our love turned to canyons, and I found myself in a deep hole. I had gone deeper into debt attempting to keep everything afloat in a foreign country, blinded by my ambitious romantic entanglement, without any real plan. I returned to my mother’s house in my hometown to start over from scratch in my late 20s along with my bruised tail between my legs.
Each morning, I would attempt to go for a swim in a nearby pool. My body felt so heavy and tired, like I was carrying around a deadweight with my head attached to it. Swimming made me feel temporarily lighter and relieved and I could quiet my mind for a few minutes. It was the only thing I could convince my body to do aside from gluing myself to my computer. What I was going through felt like an emotional rock bottom. I had put every last egg in one basket with reckless abandon. This has been something that has served me with unbelievably unique and remarkable experiences and opportunities. But those experiences sometimes went the other way and led to disaster. In this case, it shattered me. I was devastated to a point that it had occurred to me that my breakups felt like a death. An extreme feeling that it occurred to me might not be normal.
My addiction, as it turned out, was people. More specifically, I used relationships to help me feel whole. The amount someone cared for me seemed tantamount to the number of gestures they would produce that showed me this; washing my car or building me something or even just letting me be the little spoon when cuddling, made me feel loved and therefore special and gave me value. Which stands to reason that when that person decides not to “do” these things, I feel slighted, hurt and empty. My whirlwind romance had become a drug for which I was compromising every aspect of my life; my finances, my stability and any semblance of a healthy interaction with anyone around me.
I had remembered a friend mentioning an organization which was called Co-Dependents Anonymous, modelled after the 12 step programs for recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. As fate would have it, there was a group within walking distance of my mother’s house in the middle of a suburban wasteland. I added this to my short list of things to get out of bed for, and started attending regularly.
For the first month, I had been a shadow of former extraverted self and quietly listened, shell-shocked, to the familiar stories of those around me. I was not alone, and as unique as I would love to believe myself to be, every story I heard felt like a chapter from own experience. These people were me. For the first month, I quietly wept at every single meeting, but would almost always compose myself enough to collect some thoughts to share and kept moving forward. It helped to hear from other people who were at various stages of pulling their shit together and learning what healthy boundaries felt like.
While I began to piece my life back together, I took a couple of interim jobs in depressing call centers lined with mini-cubicles, headsets and the color grey. I filled the time between calls working on the program’s steps and finding balance. I talked objectively to more people one on one than perhaps I ever had in life, alternately asking people survey questions or helping file insurance claims. As removed from my career path as it all was, I was good at it; I felt like I was contributing something constructive to the universe. This helped me feel human and that I had worth. I began to feel lighter and more awake as I readied myself to jump back into the life I had left hanging.
It is at three months when you are considered a recurring member of a 12 Step Group, and can be relied upon to participate in such things as chairing meetings and handing out commemorative chips. I mentioned to some of the members in charge of organizing the meeting for that week that I would be picking up my three month chip that night. The woman on the schedule to chair that evening, graciously offered me the opportunity to lead the meeting for the night. It remains one of my most fulfilling moments, being able to stand confidently in a leadership role in front of the group who had seen me in my most fragile, broken state, as a person who could smile with a genuine warmth from inside. The icing on the cake was having the opportunity to help a newcomer at her first meeting. I picked up my chip, held some hands, submitted my requisition with the universe for serenity and headed back to LA.
For more information, visit www.coda.org and feel free to reach out to me if you are struggling with your own codependence.
Couples argue. When two people share a life (and thus a lot of time) together, it’s unavoidable. Whereas you might feel totally comfortable telling a coworker or friend where to stick their unsolicited opinions, the stakes feel higher with a partner. You care about them. You want them to be happy. But sometimes… you just want them to see that you’re right and they’re wrong and to stop being so difficult. I hear you.
Arguing can be a good thing for a relationship if you do it right. Now, I’m not a psychologist, relationship expert, or professional mediator. What I am is a former internationally competitive debater and teacher of debate. Since this is a safe space and we’re all close, personal friends I’ll be honest: I love to argue. I love the pace and exchange and demand that I think on my feet. My partner — a truly wonderful and patient human — does not find this to be my best quality. I’m here to tell you that there are approaches to contentious moments in a relationship that ensure your voice is heard and can even strengthen your connection.
“The Pregame”
Many arguments are rooted not in the topic being argued, but the perception of what the argument says about one of the involved parties. The best way to mitigate this kind of dynamic is to make a habit of being supportive and constructive in common conversation with your partner. When they say something insightful, tell them you find it interesting. When you glean new information from a discussion, let them know you learned something. The goal isn’t a flattery-off, so don’t force these moments. Saying the little things you think in your brain as you talk with someone you care about can have a big impact when emotions run high. Even a simple “Huh. I hadn’t thought about that. Super interesting” can go a long way when you need it later on.
“The Mind Buck”
When it comes to a loved one, there is no such thing as “stuck” in a conversation. Weird Gene cornering you at the office at the holiday party is “stuck.” Changing the way you think about a situation has powerful implications for how your brain will allow you to process information. Often times we can feel an argument coming on, based on past experience. This generates stress, which does some pretty interesting stuff to brain chemistry and function. Most notably, stress can decrease activity in the parts of the brain that allow for higher level reasoning. If you feel like your critical thinking skills get worse as you get steamed, you might be right.
In this instance, you need to give your brain something else to focus on. Some people try a basic counting exercise, where counting backwards from twenty of fifty, (if you go from zero to Michael Bay in no time flat) de-escalates a situation. I found that a mantra, practiced in calm times but invoked prior to big debate rounds worked well for me. When it comes to fights with my partner, I’ve got a few choice mantras that relate to our connection that I cycle through. “My eyes sparkle when you laugh at my jokes,” reminds me of one of the best small shared moments we have. “You bring me coffee and smell my hair every morning,” is a more practically-focused meditation, and keeps our familial rituals at the forefront. “No matter what you say right now, you’ll still fart in the bed,” pulls double duty as a very true thing that makes me laugh but also something that keeps the situation in perspective. You might really want to, but don’t let your brain freak out or shut down.
“Listen, Breathe, Repeat”
The hardest but most effective rhetorical tool I’ve encountered. Even if the information being presented to you is incredibly objectionable, let the speaker run their course. Then, prior to your response, breathe deeply. Like, I’m talking diaphragm expanding, theatre warm up levels of deep breathing. Then, repeat what you’ve heard as best you can recall it. This does three things:
The kinds of people I used to debate against were not ones for brevity, so you’ll have to develop your own ways of remembering points you want to hit while they run out their words. I would pop a knuckle when I heard something I wanted to respond to, which was probably not great for my joints but effective in connecting a sensation to a statement I’d hear. I’d then try to pop the same knuckle and magically find that I was able to recall whatever point to which I’d wanted to respond.
“The Trump Card”
The bottom line is that for most people, anything is preferable to arguing. If your goal is to navigate the shortest distance between contention and drinking an IPA on the couch and laughing about your dumb tiff, nothing beats honesty. “I love you and want to enjoy our time together” tends to throw folks for a loop. That’s okay. So long as you stay levelheaded (see “The Mind Buck”) the relationship world is your oyster.
Its the 3 month checkpoint of dating a new partner! Is it time to commit? Or are you ready to leave?
Question: When should you broach the subject of where the relationship is going? I have been seeing a guy for two months and we are having another date this weekend. I know it’s kind of early but I want to know if he is dating other people. I’m also curious why he’s listed as active on the online site we met at and why we really only talk through text. What’s the best way yo handle this?
Answer: After 2-3 months of dating, it’s a good time to make a commitment. Ask yourself: Do his actions say that he’s ready to make a commitment? His actions show more about his intent.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
We sing about it, write about it and watch movies about it, but when you think about it, falling in love is crazy and maybe even weird.
It makes us feel and do things we usually wouldn’t under any other circumstances.
First of all, it physically affects our hormones and brain. In fact, scientists have shown that love affects the brain in a way similar to cocaine addiction. Not only that, it also affects us psychologically and behaviorally.
Here are 10 crazy, weird symptoms you may experience when falling in love:
When you fall in love, your cheeks flush, your heart beats faster, your palms are sweaty and your head starts spinning. This is all thanks to a rush of chemicals and hormones that flood your brain and body when you fall in love.
This leaves you with feelings of euphoria similar to an endorphin-induced “runner’s high.”
There’s nothing you can do about this; love physically makes you crazy.
From the moment you wake up in the morning to the moment you go to sleep at night, the person you love occupies at least some part of your mind. How does your brain even know to think of that person first thing in the morning? Doesn’t it have other more important things to worry about?
The truth is this phenomenon is usually subconscious and automatic, almost like your mind is programmed to do so. Even throughout the day, that person stays staunchly in the back of your mind.
As crazy as it may be, it is nice to think of someone beside you every once in a while.
We’ve all seen them: the smile texters. Smile texting is the perfect example of what happens when you’re falling in love. You experience weird, giddy feelings of happiness, even when you’re not physically with that special person.
You might smile when he or she texts you, when you hear a certain song, see a picture on Facebook or when you just think of that person.
In general, little things like that will make you smile more than usual because you are just so blissfully in love (and because of all those happy hormones flowing through your bloodstream).
People may look at you funny and wonder why you’re so happy, but you don’t even mind.
I wonder what she’s doing right now. I wonder if she’s watching the game. She loves football, which is cool for a girl. But I forget what her favorite team is … I need to ask again. Or maybe I should ask now. I’ll mention it if she texts me later.
Oh look, a bag of chips. She loves chips. But only the BBQ kind.
People in love, love to think about each other. They somehow manage to relate even the smallest things to the person they love. If your life is the universe, then chances are, your love is the sun, and everything revolves around that.
Ever heard those sappy stories of boys in the olden days throwing rocks at a girl’s window, and playing her songs on their guitar? That was then, but today, there are videos all over YouTube of men proposing to their fiancés with elaborate flash mobs that take place in front of hundreds of people.
Love will make you do embarrassing things because when you’re falling in love with someone, you will do almost anything to make him or her happy, no matter what other people may think.
Along the same lines, falling in love will make you do things you never even considered doing before. Boys, that may mean taking a yoga class or going to get a pedicure with your girlfriend (they feel really good, it’s okay to admit it).
Girls, that may mean watching “SportsCenter” for two hours or playing a couple games of FIFA. Of course, doing these things can open your mind to new activities you might enjoy. Doing them with the one you love is a great bonding experience, too.
Before, you may have rolled out of bed and thrown on some athletic shorts and a t-shirt, but you now have a reason to try to look good.
You might comb your hair more often, double check to make sure you didn’t forget deodorant, shave more meticulously and go to the gym, instead of falling asleep on your couch after work.
When you’re falling in love, you feel so happy and carefree, you can’t always keep it inside. Whether you sound like William Hung or Ariana Grande, sometimes, you just have to sing at the top of your lungs to let it all out.
You may find yourself driving out of the way to pick up your love’s favorite dinner, or calling in sick to work just to hang out with him or her.
The crazy part is that even though these things may inconvenience you, you’re happy and excited to do them. You actually take joy in making that extra effort to please your SO and show him or her how much you care.
As the old adage goes, love is blind. When you’re falling in love, everything your love does and says is interesting and amazing. Every word uttered from his or her mouth, and every move he or she makes, is magical.
Love blinds you to faults and screw ups, and even when you do notice them, you’re quick to forgive because your love can do no wrong. As it turns out, Ke$ha might be right about this one: Love is a drug.
It makes us crazy, but it also makes us happy. Love is exciting; it’s addicting, it’s confusing and it’s weird.
So, cheers to love: both our worst nightmare and our best friend.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Should we help him feel like a “conqueror”? Allowing men to take the lead sometimes helps men stay committed to the relationship. From Death of the Cheating Man: What Every Woman Must Know about Men Who Stray.
Helping a man feel like a conqueror will help him want to stay committed. It may sound odd to women, but it can be easier than you may think.
Why do men love a “ride-or-die woman”? “She doesn’t get in the way,” one of my buddies told me about his wife. It’s true; she allows him to do the things that cause him to feel like a conqueror and that helps him to feel like she’s going to ride with him no matter what. When a man feels that he has this type of woman, he will go the extra mile to stay committed because he sees her as an asset to his life. And ladies, keep in mind that just because you are in a relationship, doesn’t mean that you’re an asset…many women become liabilities.
Men love to feel like a woman will do something out of her comfort zone for us. In other words, she’ll ride, no matter what. It’s all about the little things that help us keep our heads in the commitment.
For instance, a man wants to take on a task that you see is menial. If a woman makes him fight or justify it, then she may cause him to flee. Allowing him to do it without hassle, and trusting that he is a faithful man who simply needs to conquer something, will make all the difference in the world.
I’m not suggesting that women should give men whatever they want all the time, but it’s important for women to know that a man doesn’t always want what he’s asking for; he wants to know that his woman will ride with him if he asks. That makes him feel like a conqueror and that he has a ride-or-die type of woman.
It’s really that simple…the small things make a man feel like a king!
Little do most women know that a small task like pushing the elevator button can be important to a man. We have all been in the elevator when a little boy gets in and wants to push the elevator button and his mom lets him do it. What seems like such a menial thing to a woman can be a task of conquering for a man.
I used to have a girlfriend that battled me on simple issues like where we parked when we went somewhere. No matter where I wanted to park, she’d argue that we should park somewhere else. To her she had just as much right to pick the parking place as I did.
While she was in the right to voice her opinion about the parking decision, battling me over an issue where I needed to feel like a conqueror only served to cause me to try harder to conquer. So we’d argue back and forth and I’d park where I wanted to just to conquer, or I’d reluctantly give in and flee. For a while I pleaded my case to her and tried to get her to understand that little things were important to me as a man. But she decided that it was more important to her that we were equal in all decisions and in the long run, our relationship was lost in her conquest.
However, my next girlfriend saw that this was important to me, so instead, she placed her concerns on making sure that we were always on time and as long as we were safe, she allowed me to choose the parking without hassle. Again, it may sound like no big deal to a woman, but making that small decision helped me to feel like I had conquered, and in return, I made sure I accommodated her desire to always be on time.
Those little nuances serve to remind a man how valuable a woman is in the moments where he may tire of commitment.
On a larger scale, the thing that most faithful men complain about is that they can’t get sex when they want it in a committed relationship. When a man is single or cheating, he can have sex at random or whenever he wants it. But when he’s in a committed relationship, his sexual fulfillment is based 100 percent on the clock of his woman.
As I said earlier what many women may not see is that for a faithful man, being committed to a relationship gives us a sense of entitlement to sex. If we can’t have it at our leisure, we feel rejected and no conqueror thinks he should ever be rejected. If it persists, we won’t cheat, but it can cause us to pull away from the commitment.
Ladies, I understand that men always want sex and that can be inconvenient for a woman. Some women complain that they love having sex with their man, but they can’t keep up with giving it the way a man needs it—all the time.
When a woman shows frustration, she can cause a man to feel that he isn’t welcome to have what he believes is his. Because he can’t take the cave man approach and drag her into his cave, he may retreat in frustration. This causes a lot of men to pull away over time and want to get out of the commitment where he is faced with such restriction.
Instead of completely turning him away, another approach is for a woman to negotiate without him knowing. Let him know that if he’s willing to wait until the more convenient time, he can have it the way he likes it. This helps him feel like he can have it if he wants, but that she will fulfill his larger desire if he nurtures her needs as well.
As women find themselves at these little crossroads every day in relationships with faithful men, they can keep us engaged in commitment by allowing us the small things that make us feel like conquerors. Remember, just because a guy doesn’t cheat, doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have all the desires of a conquering man.
If you help your man feel like a conqueror, then he’ll be less likely to stray and look for other places or things to conquer. So don’t underestimate the power of the small things. Remember that if it seems small to you, it’s probably big to him.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Learn flirting techniques from a professional wingwoman. Men paid her to help them make a move, apply her tips close the deal the next time you lock eyes with that sexy man at the bar.
Do you ever go out sometimes and feel like guys aren’t giving you the attention you deserve, and you can’t figure out why? That used to happen to me too. Then I became a part-time “wingwoman” — a girl who helps guys meet chicks in bars by posing as the guys’ platonic female friend. (Wingwoman services are available in many cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, Miami, and Saint Louis.) While earning my wings, I learned lots of little tricks every single girl can use to improve her success with guys. Warning: Once you perfect these moves, you might find that you’re such a powerful man-magnet, you attract guys everywhere. I used to date a guy who asked me out at the ATM!
Wingtip #1: Go out in groups of no bigger than three.
Larger groups of girls are supertough (read: intimidating) to approach. Three is a good number because your two friends can keep each other company when a guy walks up to chat with you.
Wingtip #2: Hold a drink in your hand.
Guys don’t want to be used. Meaning: They don’t want to buy you a drink right off the bat. My clients and I used to look for the girl with half a cocktail. That way, if she finishes her beverage while chatting with my guy, he could offer to buy her another to keep things moving.
Wingtip #3: Smile genuinely.
So obvious, right? But I can’t stress it enough — and I can’t believe I ever acted aloof in an attempt to seem sexier. Now I know that women smile all the time naturally (when we’re nervous, when we’re trying to be polite, etc.), so if you don’t do it at all, you look like an unapproachable bitch.
Wingtip #4: Work the eye contact.
To reel him in from across the room, tilt your chin down a bit and flash him a couple of sultry glances. (Guys love it when you look up at them — it makes them feel manly.) If the guy across the room is so gorgeous you have a hard time looking straight at him and are simply too nervous, fake it by focusing on the tiny area right between his eyes. He won’t be able to tell the difference.
Wingtip #5: Don’t immediately ask him what he does.
Some men think all women are gold diggers. A lot of my clients hated being asked what their job is. It’s that fear-of-being-used thing again.
Wingtip #6 Make positive small talk.
Once I started studying other women, I couldn’t believe how negative some of us appear. When you’re out on the town, you’re supposed to be having fun, and any complaint (“It’s hot in here!”), pessimism (“There will definitely be another terrorist attack”), or snarky quip (“Look at that chick’s belt — so 2002!”) pretty much pokes a hole in the fun-girl aura you should be projecting. Some better small-talk topics: recent vacations, favorite bands, hilarious movies. You can hit him with your deep, dark world-view some other time.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Not too long ago I had to listen to a lecture for work reasons that was about the topic of whether or not it was a good idea for a couple to live together before they got married. The lecture was skewed towards people of faith, so the natural conclusion was that it wasn’t better. Rather than fall back on the old standard of living in sin, however, the speaker backed his position up with actual numbers, citing evidence that the divorce rates for people who got married after living together were significantly higher for those who “shacked up” versus those who didn’t make Jesus cry. Thus, those who wait till marriage are more likely to have a successful marriage.
These numbers, I should point out, are fiercely debated and a quick Google search on them yields hundreds of different articles questioning what other factors, like age, economics, etc., could have a stronger correlation to the divorce rates than the shacking up does. I would also argue that a factor to consider is that the very people who would wait till marriage to live together out of fear of their parents or God or both, are the same people who probably aren’t too likely to consider getting a divorce as a really viable option either. So of course those people have lower divorce rates. But do they necessarily have happier marriages, or are they just more likely to stay in a bad marriage because they won’t consider a divorce?
What if, and just come with me on this, what if we completely threw out the idea that the single greatest marker of a successful marriage, or any relationship, is that it doesn’t end? It seems crazy, I know, but just think about it. Each and every one of us probably has at least one great relationship in our past with someone who we ultimately didn’t end up staying with. What if that wasn’t a failed relationship, but was actually a resounding success? …a resounding success that just happened to end at some point.
Maybe, just maybe, the very real possibility exists that great successful but ultimately short-term relationships are not only possible, but in many, many cases they are so by design. I could think of the amazing, five month long relationship I had with a woman named Hilary that started in 2009 and ended in 2010 when I moved to Los Angeles as a failure I suppose but I don’t see it that way. I think the two of us helped each other through a strange transitional moment in both of our lives. It was beautiful while it lasted and then it came to an end when it had to. I can think of the fact that my parents’ marriage, which is going on forty years’ strong, is not my father’s first marriage, and the fact that I wouldn’t exist if he and his first wife had felt they had to make it work.
So often we let the culture teach us that ending a relationship is the result of a personal failure on our part. We didn’t work hard enough, we didn’t make the right effort, we were too selfish, etc. And maybe that’s true sometimes. But I think the reality is that humans are complicated beings with more and more complicated lives and sometimes we’re so complicated that what is best for us one year might not be the next, or five, ten, fifty years down the road. Sometimes no amount of work, no amount of attention, will make a relationship last. Sometimes separating from your partner is the most loving thing you can do.
When it comes to bottles, cans, and men, I like to recycle. I’ve believed that most of my relationships are like the 6-Million Dollar Man, they can be rebuilt, made stronger. After a breakup, I usually leave the door open a crack, allowing for second, third, and a thirty-seventh chance at happiness with the same person. I don’t think it’s a bad idea, though it doesn’t always end up being a good one. But since I’m a pretty complicated combination of picky and eccentric, I like to really exhaust the possibilities with one person before I begin the arduous task of breaking in someone new. Just like with a new therapist, the process of explaining myself, making someone understand what makes me tick, is long and hard, so I like to do it as infrequently as possible. Now, I don’t believe that all relationships should be reconciled, abusive ones should be left as a smoking pile of ashes, but if you truly feel like your life is better with that special person in it romantically, there’s nothing wrong with exploring the possibility of a reunion. However, there’s a few things to do before jumping right back in, that help to set you up for as much success as possible (which varies situationally, of course.)
Ask yourself why you want to get back together. Do you genuinely love and miss being coupled with this person, or are you just trying to avoid the painful process of grieving and healing? Do you want to journey towards happiness together, or do you just not want the other person to move on before you have? Think long and hard about whether you want this specific person, or just someone, anyone, to end the loneliness. There’s no sense in getting back together just to be miserable. A bad relationship will not cure loneliness, it usually just makes it worse. No one likes being the single rider in line at the amusement park, but it’s easier to enjoy the ride alone than it is when you’re shoved in the roller coaster car next to some jerk who’s all elbows and armpits. And think hard about whether or not the intimacy is even what you want with your estranged beloved. The nature of a relationship is always open to evolution. Do you need them in your bed, or would you be happy with them on the opposite side of your couch? Imagine the person in a number of different roles, as a platonic friend, casual sex partner, dog walker, writing partner, or distant memory. The great part about being independent is that no one else gets to dictate what makes you feel good, and it’s okay to be content with whatever you come up with that feels right.
A relationship involves more than just you, so determining if it can be rebuilt isn’t exclusively your call. Talk about everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, and do so with an open heart and mind. You may not hear what you want to hear, but it’s important to be open to receiving the truth. Discuss why it ended, and if those reasons are ones that can be worked through together, or ones that will recur and explode again. Hash out what each of your ideal situations are, and if they’re ones that can actually mesh together.
Rebuilding a healthy relationship requires effort from both parties. When only one person works at it, it sets up an unfair power dynamic, putting the person who exerts no effort in the position of queen/king, and the other as a servant. No one is exempt, and regardless of the reasons for the breakup, there’s work for everyone to do, even if it’s just finding forgiveness (which is actually the hardest thing for most people to do). Be accountable for your part in it all, don’t refute the other person’s feelings, and be aware of whether or not they are extending you the same courtesy and kindness. A strong relationship is born from a foundation of respect and trust, not denial and blame-shaming.
Treat this as a new relationship, because that’s what it is. Even if it feels like just a new chapter in the same book, it isn’t. Breakups are periods of grieving, and grief changes us. You are not the same person you were when you first got together with your partner.
Keep the communication open, and don’t be afraid to change your mind, if you realize that it actually isn’t what you want. You truly are the only person you’re bound to for your entire life, so give yourself and your emotional health and security first priority. For a machine to run most effectively, all parts must be in good working order. You are responsible for keeping up with how the YOU component is functioning, so do what you need to do in order to keep your gears greased and turning.
Giving a relationship another chance is a beautiful and difficult feat, but so is self-preservation. Above any other tips anyone could give is this: never let the former compromise the latter.
“I go out walkin’ after midnight
Out in the moonlight
Just like we used to do
I’m always walkin’ after midnight, searchin’ for you”
– As sung by Patsy Cline, written by Alan Block and Donn Hecht
In Walkin’ after Midnight, Patsy Cline sings about walking around her neighborhood, thinking about her ex lover and wishing to be with him. She seems to be hoping that the energy of her desire will draw him out of his house and bring them together. This song is so sad and full of longing, and it couldn’t happen today.
She’d just send him a text: ‘sup? And if he was up, he’d write “u up?” and they’d start sexting and eventually hook up at her place, or behind a P.F. Chang’s.
Going back even further, you may not know that the legendary lantern signal one if by land, two if by sea was actually the way that colonist Paul Revere let his mistress know if his wife had gone to bed and she could come over.
Now he’d just Instagram a picture of two lanterns and caption it “Hey ladies”.
Classic romance films An Affair to Remember and Sleepless in Seattle both had a scene where a man waits atop the Empire State Building for a woman to meet him, his heart filled with hope and anxiety and longing, but not today. He’d wait five minutes and send her an emoji of a clock and an angry face, and she’d text him back with an eggplant and a thumbs up, or something. The main twist to all romantic films from here forward will always have to include a broken phone, or losing battery and not being able to find an outlet to charge.
Technology has completely changed the way we communicate, and late night communication in particular. If Lord Byron wanted to send a secret missive, he had to wake a servant up to hand deliver a handwritten note, and that servant had to wake up her servant, and what if your servants are sleepy, or, worse, you don’t have any? You’re limited to throwing rocks at a window or moaning out on your balcony, “Romeo! Wherefore art thou?”
Now, it’s almost too easy. Once you’ve had a couple drinks and watched Magic Mike XXL, you might reach out to a friend or ex or acquaintance in a more direct way than you would at lunchtime on a Tuesday. That’s ok, or at least, it’s normal- but if you do find that you’re embarrassed by your late night phone behavior, use my friend’s policy: he doesn’t write anyone between midnight and 7am, less it be construed as a sext. “Anything I want to say can wait until it’s daylight,” he says.
We communicate via text much more than in any other method. It’s easier than ever to use messaging to reduce physical distance between people- but be careful once you start dating, because it can make you feel more distant.
In a study published this year, Pew Research found that 25 percent of cellphone users in a relationship believed that their partner was distracted by that person’s cellphone when they were together, and 45% of internet users ages 18-29 in serious relationships say the internet and phones have had an impact on their relationship.
What do we take from all this? It’s great to get in touch on your phone, it’s great to stay in touch, but try to prioritize the people you’re actually with and have a better connection with them. Try the following:
Treat your date or outing like a job interview, and keep your phone in your purse or pocket until you’re leaving. Try leaving it in your car’s glove compartment. That’s right. Turn it off and put it in a box. It’s not your friend.
Try logging out of Facebook, so when you do decide to check it, you have to log back in to see how many people liked your cat picture. It’ll make you more aware of how often you just check in, and are able to consider how often is really necessary.
At the very least, pop into Airplane Mode to silence the delicious little buzzes and bells that let you know someone somewhere has done something. Try to live in the moment, and pay attention to the person you like doing that with.
Do you want to know if the guy you’re dating is really into you? Check the list below if they’re happening with you while dating.
1. Texts her throughout the day. You just met your boo and you have a good feeling, like, a really good feeling. You can’t stop thinking about her. You’ll text her while you’re in class, you’ll text her while you’re in a meeting, you’ll text her while you’re crossing the road. BEEP BEEP!
2. Loses sleep. By the time you get home, take a shower, and browse the internet for a bit, it’s time for bed. So, you’ll head to your room, switch off the lights, jump under the covers and call her. Because when you’re into someone, you don’t get to sleep for eight hours (unless you skip class or call in sick for work.)
3. Taps her a**. When she’s walking by, just for the heck of it.
4. Plays around. You’re going on the road to grab some dinner, and you ask “Babe, would you like anything?” and she responds “No, I just had something to eat.” But when you get back home, and begin to devour your meal she uninvitingly takes a bite. And, then, she looks at you with that sheepish smirk on her face. So, you pretend to be pissed.
5. Texts “I miss you.” And wait for her to respond, “I miss you too.”
6. Texts “I love you.” She’ll respond “I love you too.” And if you’re the really mushy type, you may take it one step further and say “I love you more.” Damn, that sounds sappy.
7. Cuddles her. At 5:00 am, when you’re half asleep, you’ll roll over to her side of the bed, put your arms around her and pull her close. And for her, that’s the best feeling ever. Every girl will agree.
8. Cleans up. He’ll help out, willingly. And even learn to put the toilet seat down. The toilet thing might take up to 10 years, but it’s a good sign when it happens.
9. Slow dances. You’re in the club, dancing to rap music (or as the older folks say “grinding on each other”) because apparently what we do these days is not exactly dancing. Towards the end of the night, when the DJ switches up the music and plays a song like “All of Me,” you’ll turn your girl around, put your arms around her waist, and look into her eyes. And actually dance!
10. Hugs her. You’re watching a movie and you want to get comfortable. So you’ll stretch out your legs (on a foot rest), inch closer and wrap your arms around her. She’ll then shuffle in your arms and rest her head on your shoulder.
11. Really listens. After making love, she may want to talk a little. She’ll fold her hands and rest them on your chest, using it as a cushion for her chin. And while she asks you all kinds of questions — because women always have stuff on their minds — you’ll stroke her hair and gently rub her arms.
12. Teases her. When she does something silly, he’ll tease her right back. Because it’s kind of cute when she gets worked up over minor stuff.
13. Looks out for her. You’re up late doing work, but you’ve had enough, so you close your laptop and head to your room. And there she is lying across the bed, sprawled out. Clearly, women can’t sleep in a straight line (it’s impossible for them). But more importantly, you don’t want her to get chilly nor be eaten alive by mosquitos, so you cover her with the sheet.
14. Watches her sleep. You finally get into bed, take a second to gaze at her, smile contentedly and then you’re off to sleep.
How many from the list have you experienced?
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
I recently received two questions that had a good amount of crossover, so I’m going to publish them both and address them.
Dear Virginia,
I’ve been seeing a man for six months, and recently I spent a holiday with his family. We have never had a conversation about our relationship or where we were headed. In the last few weeks, I noticed that he was frequently not returning my texts, and when I asked him about it and said it hurt my feelings not to hear from him, he said, well, I’m not ready to be a boyfriend, didn’t we agree that we could just stay casual?
We never had a conversation about this, casual or otherwise. Is he hallucinating? I am furious that I’m the last one to know that I’ve put six months into nothing.
Also, do I absolutely have to stop sleeping with him? I’ve gotten used to him.
Dear Virginia,
I’ve been dating a guy for five months, and when I had an accident on the streets of NYC last month, and broke my arm and was rushed to the hospital and called him, he wasn’t sure what I was talking about- the first time I needed anything from him at all, he shrugged and wandered off, telling a nurse that he wasn’t family, he was “just a friend” and he “wasn’t sure he could help.”
When was I supposed to find out I was sleeping with someone who regarded me as only slightly closer than a workmate? I am furious.
Dear Ladies,
First of all, I am so sorry. You ladies have been, either directly or indirectly, misled. One thing about the hookup culture that these guys are missing is that: it is, by its nature, temporary. To sleep with a nice person once to half a dozen times with no expectation of a future is sort of normal, but to drag it out over half a year and introduce her to family members in an attempt to look like an adult is kind of cruel. I’ve been thinking for a while about drafting a list of things you can’t get in a super casual modern dating relationship:
But! Neither of you get to continue dating without some communication. If you have expectations in the relationship, you have to keep clear on what they are. If you want more and they say they’re not ready, you might ask what that means.
I know that number 4 sounds very romantic, but it’s probably one of the other three. I’m sorry. I’d like it to be number 4. Keep in mind that whatever the number is, it’s not your fault. It’s not the way you wore your hair or how good you were in bed or how interested you pretended to be in fantasy football or garage rock. You can’t make him ready, and you can’t trick him into being ready. If after being with someone as quirky and wonderful as you are for half a year, if he says he’s not ready, 1. He’s an idiot and 2. He probably isn’t going to ready.
In any case, your only option is to set them free, back into the dating pool and out of your hair and, lady number one- DEFINITELY stop sleeping with him.
