Love can be broken down into three categories; passion, intimacy and commitment. But what comes first and what leads to what? If you can’t choose to be intimate with someone, how can you make sure it sticks around? This week we meet real couples and investigate the secret behind intimacy.
Tag: Advice
3 Ways to Prevent a Sex-Starved Marriage
Is the key to your sexual success in your marriage center around communication? Do you and your spouse actively act out your needs and desires? We take a look at underlying issues that can help you communicate your wildest desires to get the passionate sex life you and your partner crave.
Do (or did) you and your spouse have significantly different levels of desire for sex? If so, you are not alone. Did you know that 1 in 3 couples has a sexual desire gap? But just because you aren’t alone, it doesn’t mean you should be complacent about a ho-hum sexual relationship. You shouldn’t. It can lead to a miserably angry spouse, infidelity and divorce. If you don’t believe me, watch this TEDx talk on The Sex-Starved Marriage
And although solutions to this sexual divide abound in magazines, self-help books and other pop psychology outlets, there is a little talked about fact underlying the problems associated with this sexual void.
The No’s have veto power.
Here’s the scoop. The spouse with lower sexual drive controls the frequency of sex — if she or he doesn’t want it, it generally doesn’t happen. This is not due to maliciousness or a desire for power and control, it’s just seems unimaginable to be sexual if one is not in the mood.
Furthermore, there is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher desire spouse must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it and remain monogamous. After decades of working with couples, I can attest that this is an unfair and unworkable arrangement.
This is not to say that infidelity is a viable solution to disparate sexual interests. It isn’t. As with all relationship conflicts, being willing to find middle ground is the best way to insure love’s longevity.
How to Regain that Youthful Love With Your Spouse All Over Again
Long term relationships needs nurturing and care to keep the fire and passion burning bright like Day 1. We love these 5 tips to ignite the empowered love that drew you in to your spouse.
Last month my daughter got married. During the ceremony, she and her husband gazed at each other adoringly and joy seemed to exude from every pore in their bodies. I found myself wondering, Have any two people ever been so in love?
Even as I squeezed the hand of my darling husband of 32 years, I felt as if I could never have been as much in love with him as my daughter was with her man on their wedding day.
Or maybe, I mused, love just looks more radiant on young faces. Could love possibly have a shelf life? Does it have “planned obsolescence,” like modern technology?
So I did a little research.
What I learned boils down to this: Even a marriage that’s about to smash up against the rocks (barring physical or emotional abuse or criminal acts) can tack its way back into calm and pleasant waters.
We’re not just talking about doing damage control. “It’s almost never too late to start the process of falling in love all over again,” says James Córdova, Ph.D., chair of Clark University’s psychology department and head of Clark’s Center for Couples & Family Research.
Taking Too Much for Granted
“One of the things that happens in long-term marriages is that the demands of everyday life steal our attention away from our partners — and paying attention to the other is crucial for happy relationships,” Córdova says. This lack of focus on your spouse slowly unravels the fabric of a solid relationship.
Sometimes the disintegration happens over a number of years, during which the couple exist in a kind of emotional limbo. Córdova notes that, statistically, it takes couples up to six years to seek help or advice after they’ve reached a tipping point. And that, he says, only increases the impact on the marriage.
Fritz Galette, Ph.D., a family therapist who hosts the weekly “Ask Dr. Fritz” on New York City’s WWRL, agrees. “By the time I see couples, they’re often in crisis,” he says. “The discontent has been festering for years.”
And yet experts believe that even in cases where the discontent has been on a low boil, there are still ways to revive the old passion.
5 Ways to Restoke the Fires of Love
Gallete and Córdova both recommend that couples in crisis seek professional help, whether from clergy or family/marriage therapists. On top of that, the following steps — first discussed and then put into practice — can help salvage a troubled marriage.
1. Act like you’re in a new relationship. Gallete recommends that couples ask each other the kinds of questions typical of new daters’ “getting to know each other” conversations.
Jill Kaplan*, whose 28-year-old marriage had been feeling flat, realized that she and her husband, Todd (names have been changed), had fallen so out of sync that the things she was doing to please him were actually annoying him. “I thought he wanted me to watch sports on TV with him,” she says. “I really didn’t always want to, but I kept it up for him.”
It took a close friend, who observed the tension in the family room, to get Jill to ask Todd if he really wanted her company. She got a surprising answer. “It turned out that he preferred not to have me there if I wasn’t into the game!” Jill says.
“That was just the first question,” she adds. “Now we’re on to which family we want to spend holidays with and what clothes the other wears that we really like. It’s like he’s my new boyfriend. It’s like I’ve discovered a favorite old outfit in my closet: Todd looks good to me and yet our relationship has the spark of something new and special.”
2. Pay attention to your spouse. One of the biggest complaints Gallete hears is that couples feel ignored by their mates. Spouses get used to one another and, over time, don’t really notice what they’re each going through.
“Sometimes people think they’re paying attention to their spouses but they really aren’t,” he says. “I advise couples to look into the other’s eyes when they’re having a conversation. It’s much easier to concentrate on someone’s words and share when your partner is looking right at you.”
Gallete also promotes an effective technique called active listening. “When one person speaks, the other can’t interrupt. He must listen completely before he says anything — and then he has to respond.”
3. Share new experiences. For years, relationship experts (and every women’s magazine) have been advising couples to set aside time for “date night.” Córdova says that going out and doing things together on a regular basis and creating romantic rituals is good for a relationship. But it’s even better to try something out of the ordinary. Get creative and step outside your comfort zone.
Gallete agrees. “Doing something new and different together, like taking tennis lessons — which is what my wife and I did recently — enhances your sense of intimacy.”
Karen and Bob Callahan, a couple who had thought their next step was divorce, breathed new life into their marriage when they reluctantly took a kayaking course together. “Neither one of us is particularly athletic, so when our pastor [whom they had seen for counseling] showed us a brochure, we both thought, Why not?” Bob says.
“Actually,” Karen adds with a laugh, “my first thought was, ‘If we both drown, it couldn’t feel as bad as how miserable I am now.’”
It turned out that kayaking didn’t take too much athletic prowess, and the two had a terrific time paddling around a local lake. “We started making up stories about the fancy houses we saw and soon we were laughing so hard we almost tipped,” Karen says. The weekend after they received their “certificate,” they booked a B&B on the lake, where they spent less time kayaking and more time just enjoying being together.
4. Be affectionate — physically and verbally. Research has established thattouch communicates a wider range of emotions than mere gestures. “The science of touch suggests that a pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, a hug or an arm around the shoulder can save a so-so marriage,” writes Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside. “Introducing more (nonsexual) touching and affection on a daily basis will go a long way in rekindling the warmth and tenderness.”
According to Córdova, however, this prescription for tenderness must also include loving language — and it needs to be heartfelt. “I love you” should be more than a reflexive recitation of syllables at the end of a phone call. Instead, say something affectionate and sweet at unexpected times.
Loving phrases can — and should — be sprinkled generously throughout your interactions. Tell your spouse he’s amazing while you’re eating dinner. Compliment your wife’s problem-solving abilities while trouble-shooting a plumbing problem.
5. Always be kind. “It’s not important whether your partner is ‘succeeding’ or ‘failing’ when your goal is to have a genuinely loving relationship,” says Córdova. “If your partner shows up late, no matter how annoyed you are, you can still respond with kindness.”
“When Bob and I began paying true attention to how we were communicating,” says Karen, “we realized that we were [venting] when we could have easily let the issue roll off our backs.”
So they tried an experiment. One Saturday they left a recorder running. “We were shocked when we listened to it later,” says Bob. “The way we were responding to each other made us cringe. It was exactly the kind of negative communication that makes people uncomfortable when they see it in others.”
To find a remedy for that habitual behavior, Bob and Karen made lists of 10 things the other did that bugged them and wrote down their usual responses. “Then we looked at each other’s lists and discussed how we could communicate our feelings without being hurtful,” says Karen.
Once you start being intentionally kind, says Córdova, “the interaction goes to a new place — the kind you would prefer in a happy marriage.”
But, he cautions, “Being kind when you’re not feeling that way takes practice. It doesn’t come naturally at first, but it can turn into a habit.”
What’s Old Is New Again
While we can’t realistically expect our long-term partner to be the exact same person we married, Córdova says, that may be a positive thing. “It’s like you have a whole new person there beside you — someone you can date, with all the benefits of already being married.” Ultimately, he adds, it’s not so much about going back to what you had before. It’s more about going forward and building something new and better suited to who you’ve each become.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Sex IS not shameful – Shame IS hurtful
Feelings of shame can be devastating to our sex lives. One of the biggest obstacles many of my clients face in experiencing erotic pleasure is the sexual shame they have carried around with them since childhood.
So what exactly is sexual shame?
Well, none of us is born with shame! This feeling about sex may have been learned from our families, friends and peers, religious or cultural backgrounds. But this shouldn’t be a surprise to us because in our culture sex unfortunately is still very much a taboo. So many religions and customs have linked sex with shame or guilt that few of us escape entirely unaffected.
Many of us may have encountered shame for the first time as children. We were taught from a very early age not to touch our genitals, the implication being it was bad to do so. We were often given silly names to refer to our penis or vagina, as if to use the correct name was somehow offensive. And if we were caught masturbating or exploring our bodies while playing childhood games, we were told off and made to feel ashamed and guilty.
Breaking Up Without Breaking Down
Breaking up is the worst. Adjusting to life after you’ve ended a relationship you’ve emotionally, sexually, and financially invested in, is effing terrible, even if you’re the one who broke things off. Trust me, I break up a lot, and it never gets any easier. And while I can’t promise that I always follow my own advice to a tee every time a relationship goes belly-up, I can tell you that this simple roadmap will make adjusting to newly single life a lot less difficult.
Set Boundaries for Contact
Breakups can flatten you emotionally, but you’re going to have to keep it together enough to handle the practical parts of separating. Even if you and your ex-sweetie didn’t combine finances or cohabitate, chances are you’ll need to coordinate the return of a few personal items, fill out some paperwork, or negotiate who gets custody of the Netflix and HBO Go passwords. Be very clear about your needs in terms of scheduling, and be honest with yourself about whether or not you can handle seeing your ex face to face. Text messages and email are great ways to communicate effectively while still preserving some privacy if that’s what you need. If you’re dealing with big stuff like mortgages or vehicles, be sure to have a lawyer handle that. For the little things, see if a friend can help out by picking up those books you left at his apartment or dropping off that spare key you’re holding onto.
Go Easy on Mutual Friends
Speaking of friends, don’t be a jerk to the ones who know both of you! While “friendship custody” can definitely be a thing, don’t pressure your friends to cut ties with your former partner. If they want to talk about the breakup or what she’s up to now and you’re not in the mood, gently remind them that you’re hurting and that you’d prefer to steer clear of those topics. Do your best not to take out any residual anger, jealousy, or grief you have for your partner out on your pals, and be sure to check in before you launch into an unscheduled vent session. If you find that some friends are keeping their distance from you while staying buddy-buddy with your ex, respect their choice, but find a way to let them know if you’re feeling hurt by the loss of their friendship. In most cases, clearing up this awkwardness will get that relationship back on solid ground.
Indulge in Self-Care
Processing the end of a romance on top of your everyday obligations is tough. Schedule time out from your job, family obligations, and social life to pamper yourself. That can mean different things for different people–athletes might schedule in extra time at the gym or prepping for a half-marathon, foodies might take a day to tour a local farm and cook a gourmet meal, and fashionistas might start the day at the spa and finish up with a shopping spree. Also be sure to pamper yourself daily, taking time to reflect in your own way by meditating, journaling, or calling a friend to take emotional inventory and keep yourself in balance
4 Passionate Ways To Get Your Man BEGGING For More
We love these spicy tips!
With these tips, you’ll have him begging for more.
Learning how to satisfy your man sexually is a lot easier than you think. You don’t need to be a porn star or a some sort of sex crazed nymphomaniac to make sure that you give him a good time. In this article I want to teach you how to have sex to give your man the most pleasure he’s ever had in his life. (If you want to learn my best oral sex tips and techniques, you’ll find them in this powerful video.)
1. Find Out His Kinks, Fantasies And Fetishes
Every guy has certain things that are massive turn ons for them. It could be when you wear an extra tight pair of jeans or a pair of sexy heels or that top that reveals your cleavage more than usual. But with that being said, it could perhaps be something a little more wild. He might love the idea of seeing you with another woman or even another man. Or maybe he really wants to try anal sex with you. Or maybe he has a thing for feet.
If you are serious about satisfying your man sexually in the bedroom, then the most powerful thing that you can do is find out what his kinks, fantasies and fetishes are and then do them with him. Doing them with your man is actually the easy part. Finding them out and getting your man to open up is the hard part. Often your man may be slightly embarrassed or reluctant to talk about them with you. To get him to relax and open up to you is not that easy unfortunately.
One way to approach it is to tell him some of yours first. Being the first to share is a great way to get him to reciprocate. Another way is to just say that you want to try lots of different things with him. As you explain to your man each thing that you want to try with him, try to judge his reaction. Obviously he is going to look more keen and excited about certain ideas than others.
Lingerie Rules for Sexual Success
In theory, I love sexy underwear. I own the requisite number of suspender belts (two), a multitude of thongs, have previously bought crotchless pants (although God knows where they are now), and, occasionally, I even wear these items. And we all know how sexy underwear is supposed to work: you wear it, he is blown away with lust and gratitude, and you both have the best sex ever.
Except, of course, in real life, things are rarely so simple.
My lingerie heyday was undoubtedly during my student years. Back then, my 20-year-old boyfriend was delightfully responsive to any effort on my part in the underwear department. The merest whiff of stockings and suspenders and he was a shoo-in. My current 30-something man, however, is much less predictable.
Think of it like this: in the world of lighting, your 20-something male is a bog-standard lamp – he has a switch, you flick it, you turn him on. But by the time a man hits his 30s, he has matured into a more complex system altogether, a kind of finely-tuned motion sensor light. On a good day, this means you get to kick back and enjoy his advanced technology. On a bad day, it leaves you standing in the middle of the room, waving your arms around wildly, and wondering how the hell you turn the damn thing on.
The problem is, when we put on sexy underwear at the start of a night, we are making a firm commitment to both us and them wanting to have sex at the end of it. It’s a down payment on mutual lust; in my experience, couples often buckle under this kind of pressure. And even if our man does want to have sex, he might be totally unfussed by our undies. As my housemate – a relatively sensitive guy – put it: ‘By the time you’re down to that layer, your main concern is getting beyond it; it’s just an extra shiny barrier.’ Such a lack of enthusiasm on their part can easily lead to disappointment on ours.
These pitfalls are only exacerbated by the financial cost of decent lingerie. My boyfriend would probably enjoy an Agent Provocateur basque more if it didn’t represent a 50% reduction in our monthly savings. These days, nothing gives him a hard on quite like the thought of making it onto the property ladder. Conversely, nothing is likely to kill his passion quite like the thought of our future home disappearing in a cloud of lace and tassles. If I splash out on lingerie, then, we’re both going to want to see a pretty high return.
So you can see why my relationship with sexy underwear is not as simple as it once was. But this doesn’t mean I’m ready to quit the game altogether. No, instead I have developed three simple rules to help me (and people like me) enjoy a healthy relationship with my undies.
Rule #1 – No Surprises
One girlfriend of mine has sexy lingerie nailed. Firstly, she does not give a damn about the cost. Secondly, she is in awe of all female beauty, including her own (she sends me links to high-end corsets asking which I think would make her look the most adorable). Thirdly, (and this is key), she involves her boyfriend in deciding when the lingerie should be worn. Last Christmas, she bought ‘him’ a stunning corset. After its first outing, he wanted to know what would happen next, i.e. would she wear it all the time or only occasionally? Was it a one-off thing?
She explained to him, ‘This corset is your Christmas present. And now it can be Christmas anytime you want to it to be. All you have to do is say “Can we have Christmas today, please?” And I’ll make it happen.’
You see, the girl’s a genius. Because it is the ‘tada’ aspect of sexy lingerie that so often backfires. I ran this theory by my boyfriend, and he agreed: ‘If we don’t know it’s coming, you can’t blame us if we don’t rise to the challenge. At least give us a hint!’
Rule # 2 – Know your Man
In the case of my man, this means sexy lingerie is best aired by day. When we were ‘courting’, our nights out usually culminated in wild, drunken sex. Now, they are more likely to end in wild, drunken promises to do it first thing in the morning. My bloke peaks in the day; I must use this to my advantage.
Rule #3 – Know your Budget
Sexy underwear can be fun and experimental, but invest too much and the stakes are raised. With this in mind, I recently did some browsing on ebay (‘refine’ – ‘condition’ – ‘new with tags’), and managed to get some rather nice Victoria Secret undies at a 75% discount. They arrived today and, I’m pleased to say, they make my bottom look lovely. My only concern is that the lacing running down my bum crack rather draws the attention to the wrong hole (a hole that is, by long-standing agreement, out of play). Still, at that price it’s hard to complain. And, as the saying goes, never say never…
Tomorrow morning, my boyfriend and I have a rare shared lie in. I intend to get up, spruce up, put on my sexy budget knickers and one of his shirts (I have it on good authority that this is a winning combination). Then, I’ll come back to bed and wake him up with a hot brew and my own delicious self. He has been duly warned that this is coming. So, this time, he’d better wake up and smell the coffee.
How To Remain ‘Sexy’ For Life
These simple tips will keep you healthy and feeling flirty!
Don’t let your age keep you from experiencing the pleasures of intimacy. Although libido may lessen as you age, here’s how to feel sexy for a lifetime.
As you grow older, it’s easy to lose that spark in the bedroom. Boredom, loss of adventurousness, physical ailments, and other problems can challenge even the healthiest of relationships over time, causing a loss of libido and creating emotional distance. But keeping intimacy alive can have profound effects on your life.
Research shows that healthy people have better sex lives. Fit people enjoy sex more and have lower instances of sexual dysfunction that can impair their love life. If you’re experiencing a loss of intimacy, there are steps you can take to reclaim it. Here’s how to feel sexy again.
Intimacy Tip No. 1: Stay Healthy
To keep your libido revved for lovemaking you should: Exercise regularly. Your arousal depends in large part on how well blood flows through your body. Regular aerobic exercise helps keep the heart pumping and the blood flowing.
Eat right. Eat a diet low in fats and sugars and high in fiber and good nutrition. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables, plenty of whole grains, and a good daily amount of low-fat dairy products. Protein should come in the form of fish, poultry, and lean meats.
Sleep well. Good, healthy sleep gives your body the chance to refresh and recuperate. Stop bad habits. Alcohol and tobacco can harm sexual function and can negatively affect your overall health.
Communicate
Partners with a satisfying sex life talk to one another; those with an unsatisfying one need to talk to one another.
Voice your concerns. Tell your partner about changes in your body that worry you along with any other issues that bother you about your sex life.
Describe what makes you feel good. Your partner can’t satisfy you if he doesn’t know what you desire. Don’t criticize. Focus on what he’s doing right, rather than pointing out the things he’s doing wrong. Talk at the right time. During lovemaking is the right time for discussing what you like and enjoy. Save your concerns, worries, and more negative issues for outside the bedroom.
Improve Your Own Game
Try these ways to be a better lover: Think about sex. The brain is an important — some say the most important — sexual organ. Get your head in the game by thinking about your fantasies and desires more often. Write down your sexual fantasies and share them with your partner.
Touch. Maintaining physical affection is critical to keeping a love life happy and frisky. Cuddle, hug, kiss, and hold hands often, even if you’re tired or not in the mood for sex. During lovemaking, experiment with touching your partner in ways that please and arouse him.
Educate yourself. There are plenty of self-help books available that will give you tips on improving your sexual technique.
Intimacy Tip No. 4: Have Fun
Don’t forget that sex is supposed to be an enjoyable experience. Be sure to have fun in the bedroom (and elsewhere) by: Trying out different sexual positions. The tried-and-true missionary position can become stale. Experiment with new positions.
Taking a break from intercourse. Try pleasing each other with oral sex, manual sex, massage, and caressing. Being inventive. Leave love notes. Plan an erotic getaway. Try making love at different times of the day. Read a love poem. Craft a scene that appeals to all five senses. Try having sex in different locations.
Most importantly, have sex and enjoy intimacy on a regular basis with your partner.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Top 5 Tips for Giving A Great BJ
Everyone has special skills, things we take considerable pride in doing exceptionally well. Maybe you make the perfect margarita, or can parallel park perfectly on the first try every time. Not me, those particular examples are personal weaknesses of mine. I used to add too much tequila, and scrape my hubcaps against the curb nine times out of ten. I’ve gotten better though, by taking the advice of friends who excel at these things, and practicing until I achieve a functioning level of confidence and comfort with both tasks. I’m proud of my progress, and so appreciative of the help given to me along the way, that I figured it’s time to pay it forward by sharing a little of my own knowledge. My area of expertise? Oral sex. Fellatio, to be specific. If head quality was currency, I would be rich as hell, the Steve Jobs of blowjobs. I really suck (much to the delight of my partners), and I want you to, too. But from the feedback I’ve gotten, it seems as though a lot of you are shy and scared of doing it wrong, or badly. So here’s a few basic tips I’ve compiled to help you swallow your hangups and go down like a champ.
1. Don’t Worry, Be Happy
First and foremost, understand that unless you bite (without it being specifically requested), you’re doing fine. Push aside any nervous or self-conscious worries. Now, I don’t personally know most of your partners, but I absolutely guarantee that if they were given the option of getting a imperfect blowjob or getting no blowjob at all, the choice made will always be to get some sort of blowjob, and really, any sort of blowjob. You don’t need pro tactics to rock this party, because the mere act of placing your mouth on your partner’s genitals is, by nature, loving and incredibly intimate. Head is a hug that you give with your mouth. We all know the difference in getting sincerely embraced by someone who loves us, and the ol’ forced grab-squeeze-release of someone who’d rather not be bothered. Try to focus on the pleasure you’re giving, not whatever hangups might be lurking (however, if your partner’s hygiene is the hangup, perhaps suggest a little bit of bathtime-for-two fun). If the act itself turns you so far off that the affection motivating it isn’t conveyed, it won’t be fun for anyone involved.
2. Eye Contact
The right amount is essential. A few short glances is hot, but an extended, unblinking gaze is creepy (sex is not a staring contest, unless that’s a specific fetish you’re exploring). The right kind is also important. This is the only time in my entire life that I will ever endorse the wisdom of Tyra Banks when I tell you to SMIZE. Smile with your eyes as you look up. Make eye contact, smile with your mouth (as best you can with something in it, doesn’t have to be your big birthday party/just got a raise at work/spiteful selfie smile), then get back to the task at hand. By doing this, you’re sending a sweet message of “Hey Captain, I’m handling things below deck, so take a load off, stand on the bow and just enjoy the view!”.
6 Traits Men Find Incredibly Irresistible
He’s looking for these traits and they have nothing to do with looks!
While a sultry dress and stilettos may make him look, what really gets him going might surprise you.
So you’ve spotted a guy who looks like he could be the man of your dreams across the room, and before you know it, he’s noticed you too. He walks over, gives you a cheesy (but cute) opening line, and now you’re talking to him.
You and I both know that you are all that, but right now he only knows that you look great. So what will make him realize that you really are the girl he’s been waiting his whole life for and make him want to retire his little black book for good? Here are 6 personality traits that will make just about any guy fall head over heels for you.
1. You’re Not Easily Impressed
You’re not the type of woman that gets all dreamy eyed just because an attractive guy has decided to talk to you. You know that you’re the one doing the choosing. Of course, in any good relationship both partners have to choose each other, and for the right reasons, but what we’re talking about here are those first fledgling hours and subsequent dates.
The point here is not to pretend that you aren’t interested while your heart is actually fluttering and you’re secretly concerned that you’re starting to sweat; instead, consciously realize that you’re not sure if he’s all that either — after all, you just met him, how could you possibly know anything more about him than how he looks, walks and smiles?
That’s just not much to go on. So, approach the situation as exactly what it is — you think he’s superficially attractive, but he’s going to have to prove to you that he’s worth talking to, much less giving your number to. Look at this as a chance to find out if he really is a guy that you want to get to know better.
Men love this because they truly want to win you over; they’re biologically wired for the chase, so let him chase you. If you’re interested, and think he’s attractive, that will automatically show through your body language. You’ll be smiling, laughing at his jokes, your eyes will light up, and he’ll notice that.
But he’ll also notice that you’re clearly not desperate, because you know that you’re a great catch, and now it’s time for him to show you why he’d be a great catch. We’re not talking about playing games like intentionally acting uninterested or walking away from him after ten minutes.
Just be who you actually are — a woman who finds him attractive on the surface, but who needs to find out what’s underneath to be convinced that he’s the right guy for you. You know that it will take more than a few minutes (or even a few dates) for him to convince you of that.
2. You Know You’ve Really Got It Going On
You know you’re all that (and more), but not in an arrogant way. You’ve got that kind of quiet confidence that allows you to feel comfortable in almost any situation because you feel good about yourself and your capabilities.
When you’re confident your body language shows it in the way you make eye contact, the way you carry yourself, and your easy smile. Men can’t help but go gaga over a woman who’s just so sure of herself.
3. You Feel Sexy
It’s not about looking sexy, it’s about feeling sexy. I’m not talking about that low cut dress and stiletto heels kind of sexy — I’m talking about the kind of sensual, self-assured, comfortable in your own skin (and oh what beautiful skin) kind of sexy. When you feel sexy, it will automatically show through your body language, the way you move, and the way you smile.
The best way to feel sexy? It’s not about what you’re wearing on the outside; wear your sexiest lingerie underneath your outfit, even if it’s jeans and a sweatshirt at a spring barbeque. Even though you know that nobody will see it but you at the end of the evening, by wearing your soft, sexy, silky lingerie you know in your mind that it would knock the socks off of the guy you’re talking to, and that shows through. When you feel sexy, you’ll be sexy.
4. You’re Interesting
You have your own life, and wow, it’s pretty good. Guys want to know that once the two of you start dating you won’t be looking for them to be your sole source of a social life and happiness in general. Nobody wants the clinger – the girl who has no social life of her own except for going out with her girlfriends looking for men. Guys know that this girl won’t be interested in doing that once she settles down, and are afraid that then she’ll want to do everything with him.
Most men highly value their alone time, and they need to know that they won’t lose all of it if they’re in a relationship with you. It’s as simple as mentioning a project that you’re working on (non-career related), talking about an interesting course that you’re taking for fun, or a weekend getaway you have planned with your girlfriends. By casually letting him know that you have other interests (you do, right?) and that you like to spend time and have plans with your friends, he’ll feel good knowing that you’ll be ok without him when he needs his alone time.
5. You’re Interested
You want to find out more about this cute guy you just met, right? So you’re asking a few questions about him — where he grew up, how many siblings he has, any pets? Not to the point of it sounding like an interview, and certainly not questions that are inappropriately personal, but generally you’re showing him that you’re interested in getting to know him better (and you are, right?) This makes him realize that once you’re in a relationship together it won’t just be all about you.
6. You’re glowing
People that are happy, exuberant, enthusiastic, and have a great attitude towards life are very attractive to other people. It’s like there’s a light that shines from your eyes and your smile, and surrounds you, bathing you in its translucent beauty.
It’s a of mix of confidence, physical and emotional health, self-esteem, and loving your life. Men can’t help but pick up on this energy and get drawn in by it. It may have been what brought him over to you in the first place, and he’ll be so intrigued by this vibrant gem that he’s found that he won’t be able to tear himself away.
This inner glow is not something you can fake, and I know it’s not always easy to feel when you’ve been dateless for a while and may be starting to feel down on yourself and your life. If you’re not feeling the glow right now, then it may be time to take a break from the search and work on improving your happiness, confidence levels, and self-esteem.
The best way to start feeling good about yourself and your life simply involves doing things that you love, being healthy (physically and emotionally), and getting some accomplishments under your belt, even if they’re relatively simple ones.
Try your hand at something new, something slightly intimidating, and keep at it until you’ve become relatively proficient. Accomplishing things that you were initially afraid to try can be an excellent confidence booster and add tremendously to your excitement and zeal for life.
The key to each of these really boils down to being your best, authentic self. If you can focus on being true to yourself, following your own interests without trying to be something different than what you are, then everything else will fall into place.
Once you stop trying to go against your own true nature you’ll discover your own sense of self, you’ll feel more confident and happy, you’ll be more excited about life, you’ll be more loving, and you’ll start to attract the same into your life. You’ll be nothing less than irresistible.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
What All Successful Couples Have In Common
Do you have these traits in your relationship?
Want an iron-clad marriage? Take note of these universal relationship techniques.
Marriage is hard work, whether you’ve been together for just two months or 20 years. No couple jumps the broom, breaks the glass or ties the knot without genuine hopes for happily ever after, right? But every couple inevitably has issues beneath the surface—it’s how they handle these obstacles that are the telltale signs of success. We tapped a few top marriage therapists to help us identify the common denominators among couples with healthy, enduring relationships. After all, what are the ingredients for long-lasting love?
They argue.
Occasional disagreements and “fighting fair” are not necessarily signs that a relationship is falling apart. “There is good data showing arguments are OK,” says psychologist Kristen Carpenter, PhD, Director of Women’s Behavioral Health at Ohio State’s Wexner Medical Center. “As long as you have positive interactions to offset them, you’re fine. These might include good discussions, date nights, affection or gratitude. Every couple is different, but arguments are definitely OK.”
In fact, arguments can actually be effective if they’re productive. By simply bottling up feelings, you’re creating a recipe for resentment and hostility, which can destroy a marriage.
So, how do you fight right? “Couples need to be able to identify and communicate their needs,” Dr. Carpenter says. “The minute one thinks, ‘He should know what I need,’ you’re setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.” No. One. Reads. Minds. Don’t lose sight of that.
They listen.
Just as much as you want to vocalize your own wants and needs, it’s imperative to hear the other person out, says marriage therapist Carin Goldstein, LMFT. “One of the biggest things that gets in the way of problem-solving is when a couple does not want to listen to each other,” she explains. “They do not hear each other, and they do not want to understand.”
If you’re struggling with this, Goldstein says the following re-framing exercise will help. “You effectively listen by repeating back what you’re taking away,” she says. “So, say to your partner, ‘What I’m hearing you say is that, when I do X, Y or Z, you feel attacked.‘” That way, you get temperature checks along the way, rather than barreling down a course of misunderstanding. If you want to be heard, you have to listen to your partner’s needs as well.
They absorb emotions without negativity.
If two partners are both negative nellies, Goldstein admits she wonders if they’ll be able to make it through the tough times. “Successful couples use positive language; couples that I really struggle with generally have a lot of criticism [in conversation],” says Goldstein. “It comes from such a deep place of contempt, where the other person does not feel valued or heard.”
To counter negativity, Goldstein has these couples consistently practice using positive language. “I have them start a conversation by saying what they genuinely appreciate about each other,” she says. “They also need to learn to listen to their spouse’s feelings without getting defensive. Emotions aren’t necessarily there to be rationalized. Sometimes, they just need to be expressed without interruption.”
They compromise.
Goldstein says, ultimately, the couples that succeed long-term are extremely adaptable. “I’ll have couples come into my office, and they are unwilling to compromise,” she says. “Sometimes I’ll tell them, if they’re not willing to compromise, they shouldn’t come back. It is impossible to be in any relationship without the ability to change and accommodate your partner.”
Remember, no one person is right or wrong, Goldstein says. It’s never black and white; there’s always a middle ground, and lasting couples put in the time to find that place where both can coexist comfortably.
They savor their time together (and apart).
Relationships take work—and more importantly, perhaps, they take time, says Carpenter. “This means staying in touch and protecting your time together,” she explains. “It looks different for every couple. For some, it’s texting throughout the day; for others, it’s a quick phone call at lunch. It might be a week-long getaway once a year, one movie night a week, a date night every so often or just 15 minutes of cuddling a day.”
No doubt you’re being pulled in a hundred different directions, thanks to work, family and friends. But value your time with your partner by making sure your time together doesn’t keep slipping down the totem pole.
Carpenter adds that you need to find what works for you—and “if you’re feeling off, maybe it’s not enough time together and you should address it,” she says. “Or maybe you’re not taking enough time for you. It’s impossible to be your best self in a relationship if you’re not your best self on your own. Sometimes, it makes sense to take a step back and look inward.”
So if it’s getting a little too close for comfort: take that solo spa trip, or make dates to decompress with your girls. Your marriage will probably be a whole lot healthier (and you’ll both be happier) when you rejoin forces.
By Jenna Birch
Curated by Timothy
Original Article
101 Practical Ways To Improve Your Relationship with Ease
This list goes in to great depth on ways to make your relationship better!
How to reconnect, strengthen your relationship, improve communication, intimacy, and more.
All relationships need a little pick-me-up sometimes, even the best ones. To that end, we’ve compiled a list of 101 ways to reconnect with your significant other right this moment. These actions will make your partner feel loved, appreciated and desired and will, in turn, make you feel more connected to him/her. Whether you’d like to increase intimacy, find a thoughtful way to say “I love you,” or just show your honey some gratitude, we’re sure you’ll find something useful in the list below.
And since the world (and our site!) is full of loving, creative souls, we hope you’ll share with us in the comments section below the special ways you share love and strengthen your bond with your significant other. Read the whole list, or skip to your favorite category from the list below.
CREATE INTIMACY
1. Lie down on the bed … and spend two minutes looking into each other’s eyes without saying anything. (Blinking is OK.)
2. Next time you’re in bed pull the covers over your head and have a whispered conversation. If you whisper first he’ll probably whisper back—it’s incredibly intimate.
3. Listen to each other. Think you already do that? Try active listening. Ask your partner to talk about something and after each sentence (or paragraph) repeat what you heard. Start with, “I heard…” You don’t have to repeat back the words verbatim, just say what you think she said. If you misinterpret or leave out anything, your partner will correct you. Take turns doing this. It’s great for intense discussions, arguments, or just a weekly ritual to improve communication.
4. Pray together. If you’re comfortable talking about it, discuss what you pray about.
5. Do the wonder intimacy exercise. (From The Marriage First Aid Kit.) Free associate and list sentences starting with “I wonder” on a piece of paper. (I wonder if I’ll ever learn to cook. I wonder if I’ll ever cook for you. I wonder if I could love you more than I do.) Take turns reading your wonders to your partner, without judging, commenting or analyzing. This may feel silly at first, but just try it and see what happens.
6. Do the nostalgic memory exercise. (From The Marriage First Aid Kit.) Pick a shared memory from “the honeymoon period” of your relationship. Discuss the memory and take turns talking about a) sensory memories (sights, sounds, smells) b) what you were thinking and c) what you were feeling.
7. Set time aside every day for mutual silence.
8. Give each other pet names. Sure, you can call each other baby, boo, or schmoopy but coming up with a nickname only you two get is cute and provides a little laugh. Studies have shown that nicknames are a sign of a strong relationship. Others might not think “Bomboushay Yaya” is endearing but if it means something to you then that’s all that matters.
SPEAK
9. Say something positive — anything at all. Researchers have found that happy couples have a ratio of five positive comments to each negative comment.
10. Think of one quirky thing she does that you love and tell her about it.
11. Ask him what he was like when he was a little kid.
12. Tell him he looks sexy in that shirt (pants, shorts, insert the appropriate item of clothing).
13. Compliment something that he’s improved upon.
14. Tell him he makes you a better person. And then tell him how.
15. If you’re feeling anxious about something, ask your partner to be your stress absorber. Ask him to listen as you explain what you’re worrying about. The catch is that he doesn’t have to say anything — no reassurances or offers of assistance. He just has to pay attention to what you’re saying and offer you a hug or hold your hand. As you’re talking, imagine your stress dissipating as the words leave your mouth.
16. The next time she does something that makes you angry … before you say something about it stop and ask yourself, “What am I really mad about?” Little things can often be masks for deeper issues. If you decide it’s a larger issue, hold your tongue and bring it up when you’re not mad.
17. Accept her apology. If you’ve been fighting and she makes an attempt to reconcile, don’t rebuff her.
18. If she holds a notable position in her field … (or even if not) remind her of how awesome she is at her job and how it intensifies your amazement of her.
Desperately Seeking A Relationship Disaster
I’m a relationship expert. I’ve had so many relationships, how could I not be? I’ve had a ton of bad ones, which is where the majority of my expertise lies, and a few good ones that I’ve managed to transform into disasters. Now, I know that many of you are in solid relationships, the kind that make you feel loved, valued, and respected. Spending your time enjoying life, doing things that expand your human experience, instead of worrying constantly, and tunnel-visioning everything onto your unrequited beloved? Girl, I don’t know how you live like that! So here’s a few tips, direct from my wealth of experience, to help you take your awesome pairing straight into the trashcan. Now, I’ve used male pronouns, because my personal experience to this point has been with men, but these tips work with any gender and/or sexuality, so please plug in whichever words work best for you.
1. Care about Facebook:
Okay, when I want to tank a relationship, this is usually where I’ll start. I like to begin by throwing logic to the wind, and taking everything personally. I consider every woman who likes his posts/tweets/photos a threat. I’ll assume the worst about all situations, and expect that he’s probably sending dirty Facebook messages and dick-pics to all of them (to be a tiny bit fair to me, this fear is actually based on true history). Now, you may think, “Hey, but I’m not doing that with the guys that like my stuff, why would he?”, so again, I’ll remind you, you must throw logic aside if you want to turn something you trust into something you fear, and what kind of maniac would rather spend their nights enjoying their partner, friends or self, when they could be nanny-watching another adult?
2. Listen to gossip:
After I see suspect things on social media, I like to escalate the story I’ve created in my head by actively seeking out sources of non-factual information that will make me feel even worse. Now, like my first tip, this one also requires shunning logic. I never stop to think about the accuracy of second, third and further-hand information. I forget all about the lessons we’ve learned from playing the telephone game, that the truth gets convoluted more and more with each mouth that chews on it and spits it back out. Gossip is like a diamond, the bigger and more sparkly it is, the more the person possessing it wants to show it off. I like to rely on gossip and social media assumptions instead of direct communication. Having a conversation about my feelings and fears requires me to be vulnerable, which is frightening. Validating my suspicions with fiction leads to anger, which, when it feels justified, masquerades as strength.
3. Dig in:
If I feel like my sweetheart is pulling away, I like to really dig in deeper and hold on tighter. If one is holding a cat that doesn’t want to be held, letting it go will have far less painful results than squeezing tighter, but damnit, if I let go, I won’t be holding something soft and fuzzy anymore. I like to think that if I can just hold on, eventually that cat will stop panicking and feeling smothered and really start enjoying my tight grip, and not scratch my face to ribbons. What a Catch-22. Now, if I was more concerned with my own well-being, maybe I’d see this, instead, as tug-of-war and realize that if the other team is pulling away harder than I’m pulling towards, and I continue to hang on tight, I will only end up sitting in the mud, alone, with rope burns on my hands.
How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It
We love this approach to finding love!
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung
Often when people want a new relationship, they either look for someone to complete them or they imagine sharing their life with someone just like them. So they try to present themselves in the best possible light for their imagined future partner—either as one perfect half of a whole or as an ideal version of what they believe their future partner will want.
In my experience, finding your soul mate requires a different, far more soul-enriching approach. Here are six steps that worked for me:
1. Stop looking for your soul mate and find the missing parts of you.
This may sound counterintuitive, but it’s exactly how I met my husband. I stopped looking for “the one” after a two-year relationship ended, which I had believed was the one. I decided to turn my attention inward—to get to know and accept myself, to heal past wounds, and to explore and develop new parts of myself.
Previously, I needed to be with someone in order to feel content, to have someone love me in order to feel loved. Breaking up with past boyfriends was so painful because it felt as if I was breaking up, as if I was being torn from a part of myself.
What I discovered was that I had to learn to be whole. And when I started to work on that, my life changed.
2. Live your life as you want to live it.
When I started to discover more about myself and to follow my own path, I started to live a life that was meaningful to me. I was no longer following someone else’s rules and ideas about what I should do.
This can disappoint some people close to you, such as your family. But if you want to find fulfillment in your life, you have to fulfill yourself, not someone else!
And doing what is right for you means you will be in places, jobs, and near people that are aligned with your life path, and with you. So you will have a much better chance of meeting your soul mate, because your soul mate will also be connected to your life path.
3. Stop trying to appeal to an imagined, potential partner.
A side effect of leading the life you choose is that you automatically become more attractive. You become more real, authentic, substantial, valuable, passionate, happy, and present. This makes you more beautiful in a natural and effortless way, and it will also make you attractive to your soul mate.
Whereas when you try to make yourself attractive in order to find someone, you alter the way you behave and present yourself so that if your soul mate were to show up, he or she might not even recognize you.
So just be yourself, whether that means you dress in corporate attire or resort wear, or casual clothing or more formal, or if your preference changes at different times.
You don’t need to be a particular weight or have large biceps or wear uncomfortable shoes if you don’t like them. Go to the gym only if you love it, do yoga if you love it, walk or surf or cycle if you enjoy those activities.
A partner who you will be with over the long term will not make a decision about your worth based on a superficial aspect of your appearance. So tap into what feels right for you, do the activities you enjoy, wear the clothes that suit you and in which you feel comfortable.
You will be far more attractive to your soul mate if you look like yourself when you meet them.
17 Reasons to Definitely Have Sex Tonight
Who is getting lucky tonight?
1. It’s, you know, sex. And one of only a couple ways to have an orgasm, which is pretty great in and of itself. For most people, this is pretty high on the list of reasons to have sex. In some cases, it’s all about the journey, but the orgasm is a pretty great destination regardless of how you arrive there. If I need to explain to you why an orgasm is great, then get off this website and go tell your parents to install parental controls on your computer.
2. It’ll be the happiest you are all day. Sex releases endorphins, which are a great cure for a bad mood. Bad day at the office? Bang. Just feeling sort of down? Bang. You really can’t be that upset after sex.
3. Your power is out. Your options are basically read by candlelight or have sex. Guess which one isn’t going to be a strain on your eyes.
4. You’re about to go on vacation and don’t want to get sick. Studies show that sex can actually strengthen your immune system. So if you’re worried about getting sick, just have sex. It might not be as efficient as a flu shot, but it’s definitely the more fun way to have something stuck inside you of the two.
5. You haven’t done it in a while. You don’t want to get rusty. Make sure you still got it.
6. Your boss was so mean to you today. If it’s stressing you out, have sex. Getting it on can actuallylower your blood pressure and alleviate stress. Plus, getting naked yourself is way more fun than picturing all those weirdos at work naked anyway.
7. Your vibrator is out of batteries. This is the better alternative even if your vibrator isn’t out of batteries.
8. You didn’t go to the gym but you don’t want to be completely lazy. Sex counts as exercise, so if you can’t be motivated to drive there and spend an hour lifting weights, have sex instead. You won’t even realize you’re exercising.
9. There’s a knot in your shoulder you can’t work out. Sex can actually relieve aches and pains, so if you’re feeling sore or you slept on your neck weird, have sex.
10. You just got out of the shower. You’re already naked! You’re pretty much halfway there (though you might want to jump in the shower again afterward).