Relationships are like plants. They have to be nurtured, or they will die. It is easy to go from passionate lovers to random roommates if you don’t keep a watch on things. You get busy, you don’t prioritize the other person, and pretty soon you barely know one another. Here are 5 things you can do with your partner to ensure you are still a team and connected to each other.
Laugh Together
Find a show or a comedian that you both enjoy and can enjoy together. It is important to share humorous moments in life, it’s a specific kind of bond. Plus, quoting shows to one another is so much fun! If you are busy people, designate a specific night or time of the week to this. No cancellations, take it seriously. My husband and I enjoy Bravo’s “Millionaire Matchmaker” (I know!)
Don’t Yell
When having a disagreement, it is easy to let things escalate until the situation becomes a full blown war. Try your best to speak in a calm, and respectful tone even if you are upset or seriously enraged. I know, THIS IS REALLY HARD, but it can be done. Trust me, it is better for your relationship. You have to set the bar for how you are going to speak to one another, and it is important not to cross the line. Basically, don’t call your partner a piece of shit for waking you up from a nap (referring to a friend, of course).
Do STUFF
Even if you aren’t in the mood for actual sex, do other stuff. Get involved. Be careful not to let weeks or months go by without any sexual activity; remember habits can be formed overnight and can take ages to break. Once I was “not in the mood,” and one day turned into one week, one week turned into one month, and pretty soon I was in a sexless and coincidentally loveless relationship wondering where all the passion went. So keep it up. Even when you don’t feel like it, once you start you will get into it. Sexual activity has to be maintained just like your nails, or gym routine. Don’t slack off in this essential department.
TALK
It is shocking to me how some people manage to live with someone without having any real conversations. Every evening I turn off the TV, get off my computer, put away my phone, open a bottle of wine, and TALK to my husband (for at least one hour) to reconnect. I don’t mean talk about the weather, or what you have to do that week, or when the kids have to be picked up, I mean TALK ABOUT THINGS. Talk about your opinions, what you think about the current state of affairs, what your common goals are, what you see your life to be years down the line. Your feelings, what you feel one another could work on, be better at etc. (in a constructive manner) It is the only way to evolve as a couple. The alternative is growing apart.
“I love you.”
I know this sounds cheesy, but you can’t stop saying it. I say it when I get off the phone, I write sweet things and leave them on post it notes, I just find a way to say it, EVERY DAY. It is important to relay the message “hey, I love you and I appreciate everything you do.” You can even say those exact words. Remember when you first started dating? How obsessed were you with waiting to hear those words? …and when it happened? OMYGOD. BEST. FEELING. EVER. So why should we let that die? Staying in love over time is hard enough as it is, and it’s even harder if you stop saying it.
What will happen to the unfaithful people of the world?
Social scientists have long known that the majority of men and women choose partners based on the idea that both they and their partner will be monogamous, so monogamy—and monogamists—will be fine. I worry for those people who say they’re monogamous but (through no fault of their own) “can’t help themselves” to helping themselves to sex outside of monogamy’s general parameters.
Cheating may be just as natural as monogamy (after all, both sexes been doing that forever as well), but thanks to our innate preference for monogamy, few of us consciously choose to be with a cheater.
Consider what usually happens when a monogamist is confronted with the fact that their partner is a cheater. Do they squeal with joy and ask to see the used condom? Not often. Instead, the monogamist becomes angry, insulted, and hurt. Their immediate instinct is to detach themselves from the fraudulent monogamist—usually via divorce—while warning the other monogamists that there’s a cheater in their midst—usually via the internet.
Which could mean that in the very near future, for every cheat-ing site there could be a cheat-er site, containing the profiles of all known cheaters. And that’s when I really will be worried for cheaters. After all, the word “cheater” is not on most people’s top ten lists of what they look for in a partner. If we actually had a choice, how many people will choose cheaters? Who will want to partner with them?
Perhaps the cheaters could self-identify before they entered into known monogamist territory. After all, when it comes to cheaters, many monogamists claim that it’s not so much the sex that bothers them, but the lying. That’s what makes the monogamists really angry. They didn’t get to choose.
And so, in the interest of cheaters everywhere, let’s test this theory.
Cheater to monogamist: “Darling, you’re beautiful, intelligent and accomplished. I love you and want to marry you. But one of the things you need to know about me is that I get off on complicated sex moves administered by a sex worker to whom I pay two hundred dollars an hour. I will need to see her once or twice a week. Just like you see your trainer?”
Hmm. Maybe this is not a good example. Why? Because the monogamist probably doesn’t have time to see a trainer.
And that’s another strike against cheaters. Monogamists believe that if you have time to cheat, you have too much time on your hands.
No, monogamy is not obsolete. But you can see why I’m worried about cheaters. In the very near future, they may be obsolete. And that would be a shame. Because cheaters are so darn hilarious.
“I was in a room with Mad Men’s Jon Hamm. He is incredibly handsome and caught me looking at him…”
Welcome To The Friendzone!
It sounds like way more fun than it is. It sounds like there will be a waterslide. There is no waterslide, just hurt feelings between people of all genders and sexual orientations.
The nicest definition of the Friendzone is: two people meet. One person is interested in the other person romantically. The other person is not interested that way, but says they want to be friends.
Sometimes that person doesn’t really want to be friends, but it seems easier to say that than to make up a boyfriend or to say “I have no space for you in my life, and I’m not going to return your texts.”
Sometimes two people will go on a few dates before one person will say “I like you as a friend”, or “but we’ve become such good friends.” Women are trained to be polite and deferential to men, and not to say things like “I just flat out don’t find you attractive.” Also, women are worried that if we are crystal clear that we are not interested in sex, men will stop talking to us, because we are only worthy as a sexual partner/conquest/etc.
This is one of the hardest things about being a person with feelings: sometimes those feelings are not reciprocated. This happens to everyone, even Johnny Depp and Ariana Grande. Everyone. Everyone you know has liked someone who did not like them back. President Obama. Channing Tatum. That lady on Instagram who is famous for her butt. Everyone.
Sometimes men, especially men new to dating, will complain vociferously about being Friendzoned. It doesn’t sound so bad, except when you start peeling the first onion layer you find a really misogynist onion.
Fallacies of Friendzoning-First Men, Then Women:
I met someone I am attracted to. There’s a fifty-fifty shot that she’ll choose me.
It’s actually a lot lower than that. If women slept with everyone who wanted to sleep with us, not only would it be unpleasant, but we’d never get anything else done, like laundry or higher education. The Friendzone is the default zone. Almost everyone goes there. It’s not so bad. We like you, we value your company. We just don’t want to date you.
There’s something I could have done or said that would have kept me out of the Friendzone.
I’ve heard several versions of this- if a man didn’t act dominant or aggressive enough, a woman would stop thinking of him as a romantic partner. This happens with snakes and prey- if you drop a mouse into a cage with a snake who’s just eaten, the snake will get used to the mouse, and just cohabitate with it and will never get around to eating it.
This attitude heaps guilt and more anger on the rejected party. Probably there wasn’t anything you could have done. You’re just not the guy she likes. Science says it might be as much smell as anything, so it doesn’t matter what bands you put on a Spotify mix for her or whether you were wearing your nicest Scarface shirt that day. If it makes you feel better to think you could have done something different, maybe try that approach next time, but if the chemistry doesn’t go both ways, you’re gonna be right back in the Friendzone.
Despite fears, same-sex marriage will boost American marriages.
My friend Mark says he is against gay marriage – but it’s the marriage part, not the gay part he finds objectionable. Mark is a confirmed bachelor who marvels that anyone would want to get married. Still, he says, if gays and lesbians are crazy enough to want to tie the knot, they have as much right to do it as anyone else.
Plenty of same-sex couples are, indeed, crazy enough to desire marriage. This is a recent revelation for quite a few Americans, and I include myself in that number. Over the years, I have counted quite a few gays and lesbians among my friends, acquaintances, colleagues and relatives. It was always clear to me they had not just made a lifestyle choice; their different sexual nature was the way God made them. But, like many progressive, tolerant people – including, most notably, Barack Obama — I figured legal marriage for same-sex couples was not especially necessary, as long as there were domestic partnership laws that gave them equivalent rights and benefits.
Part of this assumption was attributable to the conventional gay mystique. The more flamboyant members of the gay community appeared to be having way too much fun being single. Why would they care to saddle themselves with the mundane responsibilities of marriage and forsake the endless party?
Well, the reality is different from the stereotype, as I could easily see with my gay friends. Even the party boys eventually wanted to have what their parents and brothers and sisters had: a home, a constant partner with whom they could share life and even kids. A couple of years ago my attitude toward gay marriage finally flipped from why to why-not. Reading a wise and moving essay by maverick conservative columnist Andrew Sullivan is what did it for me.
Sullivan wrote about his extended family. They were very accepting of his sexual orientation. They welcomed his longtime partner into family activities. And yet, Sullivan said, there was something not quite complete; something that made his relationship different from the relationships other family members enjoyed. Then, marriage became an option in a few jurisdictions, and he and his partner were finally able to make their pairing more than a love affair. Immediately, the rest of Sullivan’s family looked at his husband as a person with far greater significance – not a boyfriend who might easily go away, but a true member of their tribe, a real relative who was joined to the story of their family.
I think anyone can appreciate that transformation. Many of us have made the transition from being a boyfriend or girlfriend to being an in-law. If we are old enough, we have felt the shift in our own feelings when our son or daughter told us the person he or she has been dating is now joining the clan and pledging to be a permanent part of the family. It makes a dramatic difference, and it is no wonder gay and lesbian Americans long for this status they have been denied.
Marriage is a transformative relationship. That is why the passions about the issue of same-sex marriage run so hot. The deep concern of traditionalists is not just a matter of homophobia or bigotry; they believe marriage is such a vital part of our social fabric that it must be nurtured and protected. They are right about that. Marriage is a social stabilizer that is dangerously disappearing among disadvantaged socioeconomic groups that desperately need stability. But traditionalists are mistaken when they think allowing gays and lesbians to marry will undermine the institution.
Same-sex marriage will strengthen American marriage. Bringing an outcast group into the fold will be a positive social step. When we meet gay and lesbian married couples at Little League games and school plays and community fundraisers and church potlucks, we will see that they share the same concerns and joys. Eventually, even those who doubt it now will realize they have new allies who understand the virtue of leading responsible lives of committed love.
” I wrote long love letters and emails (I’m talking like thousand-word essays) to any girl who was willing to say “hi!”
There were several television programs that distorted my views on love for the majority of my life. Seemingly harmless shows like “Boy Meets World,” “Doug,” and “Family Matters” featured protagonists who were “nice guys” pining for the girls of their dreams. Living in my own little fantasy world, I modeled my life after Steve Urkel, the breakout star of “Family Matters,” in his crusade for Laura Winslow’s affections because I thought his love for her was pure and romantic. I had no idea how creepy Urkel’s character was at the time. Subsequently, absorbing the themes of this television show turned me into a borderline stalker to several women without even realizing it.
These shows made me feel entitled, like I deserved for my feelings to be reciprocated just because I had spent time and energy pursuing my love interests. It was all about my feelings, and their wants and needs were the least of my worries. For example, Steve Urkel would perform grandiose acts such as climbing up a tree outside of Laura’s window to serenade her while she was trying to sleep. He’d dress up like cupid and shoot arrows at her on Valentine’s Day, much to her dismay. There’s an episode where he literally asks her out for the thousandth time, and other than slight annoyance from Laura, this is represented as an admirable–and even endearing–act. His persistence was seen as quirky and cute, and in the end, the show represents Urkel to be an underdog. Laura’s “no” was cast aside, and he literally couldn’t take “no” for an answer. But that didn’t matter. The audience loved him. I loved him. I cheered him on along with most of America.
The worst part of the whole “Family Matters” saga is that after years of stalking and annoying Laura, the two actually end up together. She is his reward for hanging in there for so long. Steve Urkel “getting the girl” in the end did so much damage to my perception of romance.
I took cues from this show when I began developing crushes in school by attempting to replicate these grand gestures to show my romantic pursuits how much I liked them. I’d buy gifts for girls who were basically strangers and stare at them in class to let them know I was interested. If they looked uncomfortable, I didn’t care. I was persistent just like television taught me.
A lot of shows–whether intentionally or unintentionally–encouraged this behavior. The program “Doug,” a cartoon created for children, featured Doug Funnie having the hugest crush on Patty Mayonnaise, and he would continuously back down from telling her about his feelings, and this caused him great distress. To me, it also served as a cautionary tale: don’t ever let your feelings go unspoken. Doug never let Patty know about his feelings for her, and that was represented as a mistake.
“That will never be me!” I thought. As a result, I “went for it” every time I had a crush and always made my feelings known. I wrote long love letters and emails (I’m talking like thousand-word essays) to any girl who was willing to say “hi” to me once or flash me a smile in passing. In hindsight, these are incredibly shameful and embarrassing actions. I creeped out many girls, and I wish I hadn’t done these things.
It’s a thin line between love and lust. If you’re crazy about your guy but not sure if you’ve crossed into crazy-in-love territory, there are definite signs you’ve gone off the deep end.
Here are 10 of our favorite tells.
1. You start thinking in terms of the future, and it doesn’t scare you. Do you already have next year’s couples Halloween costumes planned? You’re on the edge of the cliff, my friend.
2. His happiness is your happiness. Not only do you go out of your way, instinctively, to make your man smile, but when he’s content, you’re floating on cloud nine.
3. You want him around in good times and in bad. The idea of him taking care of you post-wisdom-tooth-removal doesn’t send you into a freak-out fit, in which your voice takes on dog-hearing-only octaves as you scream, “He can’t see me doped up on Valium, drooling into a pillow!” Instead, he’s the one you want spoon-feeding you.
4. You crave physical contact that goes beyond sex—oh, and sex with him is also amazing. When you’ve had a tough day at work, burying your face in his neck is an instant cure. You sleep better when you’re in his arms. And his chest is way more comfy than your memory-foam pillow.
5. Feeling like an addict? Check. Hours spent together simply aren’t enough, and any empty space you have in your brain is taken up with thoughts of him.
6. You talk him up 24/7. From every sweet text he sends to that new—and very effective—move he whipped out in bed, your gal pals have the 4-1-1.
7. You get jealous. Not in a crazy-psycho-don’t-talk-to-my-man way, but in the sensitive-to-potential-relationship-threats way.
8. “We” and “our” have become regular parts of your vocabulary. It’s not the coffee shop; it’s “our coffee spot.” And when you get invited to your BFF’s weekend bash, you reply, “we’ll be there.”
9. Ex who? If any thoughts of your last love held on at the beginning of this relationship, they’re now long gone. Why would you think about an ex, after all, when a perfect man is right in front of you?
10. Love songs were written for you. When you start relating to the lyrics of your favorite gushy tunes, you know you’ve got it bad.
What are some other signs that you’re falling in love? If you’re in love, how and when did you know?
How much do you know your sexual self? What are your desires?
In helping us understand our sexual selves we need to understand the nature of desire. The basis of all desire is that most fundamental impulse to seek connection. I see this as a two-stage process and I could include in this not only desire for sex but also any type of desire. We cannot desire ourselves, much as we might narcissistically love and enjoy ourselves. All desire is a felt sense of longing for that which is “other” than us. If we already have it we cannot, by definition, desire it. We may enjoy it but we cannot desire it. Desire arises because of how we imagine we will feel within ourselves when we meet the object or our desire, whether that is another person, an event or an experience. We might desire a glass of wine or a good meal – because of how we experience our tongue or taste buds when we meet this other thing. We might long for contact with another person because of how we feel when we are with them. This understanding of desire also applies to internal sates. If we are feeling tired we might long to rest. If we feel stressed we may yearn for calmness. This is because we experience ourselves in relation to the “otherness” of that object or feeling.
It is only through the experience of contrast, that is to say “I feel like this” and “You feel like that” that we can experience ourselves. We might say therefore that our desire for anything arises out of a desire for contact and from a yearning to feel the otherness of that contact. It is the space between us and the other which creates the desire, the longing to have contact with them or it. This is the first stage of the process of desire, that is, the experience of self through contrast with the other.
When we merge with the otherness, as it is possible to do in profound lovemaking, we cease to experience ourselves as unique individuals and we become one with the other. Our bodies move in rhythm, our breath synchronizes, our heart seem to beat as one. If we are lucky enough and in tune enough to orgasm together there may be a deep sense of melting into one another. This merging with the other is the second stage of desire.
So on the one hand the nature of desire is to feel ourselves through the contrast with the otherness and on the other it is so that the felt otherness dissolves and we become one with the other. Eating a delicious meal or drinking the wine we become one with it, making love to the other we merge with them. We long for the otherness in order to feel connection it, to experience the return to one-ness. This then begins to have a spiritual quality to it. Fundamentally all spiritual traditions say that “God”, the divine, “Goddess”, whichever form the tradition imagines exist, created the universe in order to feel itself because being one with everything he/she/it cannot experience itself. The nature of the universe, say the spiritual traditions, is that it is constantly striving to know itself as its true nature (that is one-ness) and to return to that sense of one-ness.
This is the universal cycle – the rotation between separation and unity.
I once fell in love with a guy because I loved the way he smelled. He wore Eau Savage by Dior, and it made me swoon. It never had that effect on me when worn by anyone else, just Ben. He was a fellow journalist, and we really liked each other in other ways, but it was his smell that really turned me on.
Scientists have said that the sense of smell is overlooked in romantic encounters, mostly because we don’t notice it. Pheromones are ridiculously important in the animal kingdom, but apart from being clean, and putting on deodorant and perfume we humans don’t think of it much.
In fact, if we are too clean, and wear too much perfume, we may be confusing our olfactory (smelling) senses and confusing our romantic brains. It is said that the Emperor Napoleon would send a message to his lady love Josephine, telling her not to bathe, because he was on his way home from War! Now we probably wouldn’t want to go that far, but should we perhaps lay off on the deodorant a bit?
Some research even suggests that we may even pick our “soul mate” by subconsciously reacting to pheromones that transmit their genetic compatibility. A research study which had women smelling a variety of white tee-shirts worn by unknown males discovered that women consistently preferred the odors of tee-shirts that had been worn by strangers who were genetically compatible with them … and were actually turned off by those who were genetically incompatible. What’s more, the odors they preferred reminded them of their boyfriends.
Scientists are discovering that the hypothalamus plays a critical role in receiving pheromones through the vomeronasal organ (VNO) in the nose, and then triggering an emotion or response.
Until recently, the VNO was assumed to be an important organ in animals, but a vestigial organ—leftover from primitive times and no longer needed or functional—in humans. But in 1994, Dr. David Berliner and his colleagues at the University of Utah discovered that their 400 human subjects did indeed have a VNO, which, as in animals, detected pheromones and sent messages to the hypothalamus, which is linked to the limbic system.
The limbic system, your “primitive brain”, drives your more basic, less complicated impulses – emotional connections, your awareness of the environment and how you interact in it, the “fight or flight” response…your sexual behavior.
So should we all stop bathing and using deodorant? Probably not, but perhaps we should be aware that our own clean natural scent is the best thing to “wear” when getting close to the ones we love, Eau Sauvage notwithstanding!
Do you want to know if the guy you’re dating is really into you? Check the list below if they’re happening with you while dating.
1. Texts her throughout the day. You just met your boo and you have a good feeling, like, a really good feeling. You can’t stop thinking about her. You’ll text her while you’re in class, you’ll text her while you’re in a meeting, you’ll text her while you’re crossing the road. BEEP BEEP!
2. Loses sleep. By the time you get home, take a shower, and browse the internet for a bit, it’s time for bed. So, you’ll head to your room, switch off the lights, jump under the covers and call her. Because when you’re into someone, you don’t get to sleep for eight hours (unless you skip class or call in sick for work.)
3. Taps her a**. When she’s walking by, just for the heck of it.
4. Plays around. You’re going on the road to grab some dinner, and you ask “Babe, would you like anything?” and she responds “No, I just had something to eat.” But when you get back home, and begin to devour your meal she uninvitingly takes a bite. And, then, she looks at you with that sheepish smirk on her face. So, you pretend to be pissed.
5. Texts “I miss you.” And wait for her to respond, “I miss you too.”
6. Texts “I love you.” She’ll respond “I love you too.” And if you’re the really mushy type, you may take it one step further and say “I love you more.” Damn, that sounds sappy.
7. Cuddles her. At 5:00 am, when you’re half asleep, you’ll roll over to her side of the bed, put your arms around her and pull her close. And for her, that’s the best feeling ever. Every girl will agree.
8. Cleans up. He’ll help out, willingly. And even learn to put the toilet seat down. The toilet thing might take up to 10 years, but it’s a good sign when it happens.
9. Slow dances. You’re in the club, dancing to rap music (or as the older folks say “grinding on each other”) because apparently what we do these days is not exactly dancing. Towards the end of the night, when the DJ switches up the music and plays a song like “All of Me,” you’ll turn your girl around, put your arms around her waist, and look into her eyes. And actually dance!
10. Hugs her. You’re watching a movie and you want to get comfortable. So you’ll stretch out your legs (on a foot rest), inch closer and wrap your arms around her. She’ll then shuffle in your arms and rest her head on your shoulder.
11. Really listens. After making love, she may want to talk a little. She’ll fold her hands and rest them on your chest, using it as a cushion for her chin. And while she asks you all kinds of questions — because women always have stuff on their minds — you’ll stroke her hair and gently rub her arms.
12. Teases her. When she does something silly, he’ll tease her right back. Because it’s kind of cute when she gets worked up over minor stuff.
13. Looks out for her. You’re up late doing work, but you’ve had enough, so you close your laptop and head to your room. And there she is lying across the bed, sprawled out. Clearly, women can’t sleep in a straight line (it’s impossible for them). But more importantly, you don’t want her to get chilly nor be eaten alive by mosquitos, so you cover her with the sheet.
14. Watches her sleep. You finally get into bed, take a second to gaze at her, smile contentedly and then you’re off to sleep.
Don’t freak out or anything. But I have some news. I got married. And to tell you the truth, not much has changed.
We are all living in a new world now. Priorities are shifting. Spending $30k to feel like a rich princess for a day in what is effectively a quinceanera for grownups, may not be your bag, and it wasn’t ours either.
Most of our close friends are spread across various cities, states and other countries; and the idea of something very private between us made public, rendered by my boyfriend extremely uncomfortable. While I am a little more comfortable with receiving attention, I would rather spend that time and money going out to visit them; or hosting them when it’s convenient for them and we can spend time together individually.
Here’s the other thing; eloping is fun. It is easy. And most importantly, it is about the two people getting married. There is no other time in a relationship when other people are invited in; no funeral for the end of one, no party for electing to stay single. No one cares about your anniversaries. When you elope, you get to do things the way you want to, on your own terms, without having to worry about keeping other people happy.
For us, as an international couple in our early 30s; in a relationship for nearly two years, and living together for half of that time, being married allows us to start making long term plans. I can actually start seeing myself staying with him long term and developing our lives together in one place like real grown ups.
A wedding wasn’t our focus, it was simply solidifying our existence as a team. I like to compare it to signing the mortgage on our love. The event itself was an afterthought; a whim, really. Something we discussed in pragmatic terms for some time and when the stars aligned, we went for it. We were never officially engaged, and ‘fiance’ was a term I never coveted nor used. In the weeks leading up to our shotgun love mortgage, I contacted close friends and family to invite them down, but when I saw my husband-to-be’s visible discomfort with any form of attention, I reeled it back in.
Once we get settled, we do plan on having a party with close friends and some family, maybe even several of them, in different places, as a kind of honeymoon/reception double feature. With a healthy distance between being married this sounds like our kind of adventure. One where any feelings of pressure surrounding being put on display, or entertaining others with our private feelings and plans together, grow rapidly smaller in our rear-view.
On our wedding day, my boyfriend brought his father who was visiting from out of town. I brought my friend to officiate and double as my emotional touchstone. We spoke to our other close ones on the phone.
My mother was ready to hop on a plane, but wouldn’t make it in time. I really wanted her to be there, but she has always been one to offer immediate and unflinching support, without holding on too tightly. I’ve always been a wanderlust out on some other part of the world as soon as I could get my hands on it, and she knew this was on the horizon for us, so this was no surprise and we were okay. My recently estranged brother was crestfallen not to be there, but took the opportunity to break his silence with some very kind things that opened up our relationship in a lovely way.
My mother-in-law to be, however, made her objections known over the phone. I can imagine this sort of thing is hard for a lot of family members, and especially a mother, protective of her son. She and I have very different ideas about marriage, which I completely understood. She kindly, firmly and respectfully filibustered our plan over the phone. As soon as he caught wind of this, my future father in law swiftly instructed his son to get me off the phone and be there for me while he started the car.
The sincere care I heard for both of us (though, obviously mostly for him) came through amidst her reservations, and the warmth and eager support I received immediately from his father solidified a profound love and appreciation for a family I barely knew. I saw a lot of my husband in him. As I sat in the back seat of the car heading to the chapel, I watched them both for a moment and took in how fortunate I was to be in their company.
We arrived at the very friendly little chapel, expecting to sign the papers and be on our way, when they happened to have a room open up at the end of the day. I think it might have helped that they liked us, as they let us go inside and make up our own ceremony. It was silly and fun and just for us.
In the aftermath, despite being alternately nervous about taking the leap, and dismissive of the whole idea of traditional marriage, I have been pleasantly surprised with how relaxed things have felt since we pulled the trigger. It feels like a weight’s been lifted and married life is actually a lot fun so far. That honeymoon period is real, y’all.
One thing that I’ve found interesting, has been how much everyone else freaks out about it all; both eloping and our marriage in general. It’s like there is something in us that needs to explode a little bit and let that Bridget Jones out of her diary for a second, and I sympathize. I get excited for my friends when they are excited about their love. We have all been encouraged to get excited about the pomp and circumstance of it all, practically since birth.
I love sentiment and I do like jewelry; but tradition isn’t the right fit for us. I don’t like the idea of having a dress I will never wear again collecting space in my closet. The idea of an overpriced rock on my hand to mark someone’s claim on me isn’t appealing either.
With that said, I will most definitely accept a ring, or a necklace, or earrings (wait no, I’ll probably lose those, maybe a bracelet) just for the hell of it. My grandmother instilled this in me with her very glamourous collection of baubles. As wonderful and beautiful as those things are, however, we don’t have that kind of money right now. The way he routinely plugs my phone in for me when I forget, or how he kisses my head before he leaves for work early in the morning while I sleep, are the kinds of things that squeeze my heart more than trying to get him to fit into a box of things he is prescribed to do.
Here is our To Do list, while we chip away at our hefty collection of debt and pull ourselves into an improved financial situation:
Adopt a dog and a cat to grow up together (his idea, I’m fine with it)
Sell our cars and get one slightly shinier one to share (my idea, he is fine with it)
Find an affordable apartment of our own, with enough space for our friends or parents to visit (an idea we share equally); ideally with a room that can also double as our solitude from each other’s farts– or an office…
Even if we wanted it, traditional stuff doesn’t have much room to fit on that list.
In another relationship, at another time in my life, with a different person, perhaps all of this would be different. Perhaps an extravagant affair or someone I call “fiance” for a year would make sense. As we have grown together, I have learned that anniversaries, birthdays and other forced gift-events are not going to work for us. But, every month he dutifully budgets taking me out to whatever new restaurant he’s discovered which has at least four stars and 200 yelp reviews, and to every single movie theatre in a 15 mile radius, as long as we can get there before the trailers start. That is what works for us, and I am kind of proud of that.
I’ve never been one to care much about celebrity gossip. It turns reading entertainment magazines and websites into a bit of a minefield because while you think you’re just reading an article on the new season of Fargo, you’re always just two clicks away from finding out about the most scandalous torrid affair ever of the week. Sometimes the articles are even true!
But as arrogantly as I may scoff at these types of stories, I am not as immune to them as I like to tell myself that I am. Which brings us to Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt. As a queer girl just entering into adulthood in 2001, I was first made aware of Westfeldt through her almost-lesbian film Kissing Jessica Stein. As Mad Men became a thing and Jon Hamm likewise, one of the things I always liked about him was his long-term relationship with Westfeldt. I felt this way despite having honestly no idea what either of them are like as people outside of charming interviews and podcast appearances. Yet their breakup bummed me out.
Less than a week after that, the internet was abuzz about another celebrity breakup. At first glance it was seemingly a much less significant news story. I’m talking of course about Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy’s breakup, along with the big news that Kermit might have entered into a new relationship. That’s a real sentence I just typed out with words. This story was obviously manufactured as part of a marketing plan for the new The Muppets TV series, and thus was silly fun. We all had a good laugh sharing the story.
Was it such a joke of a story though? The fictional romance between the frog and the pig seemed to be as important to a lot of people as the breakup of the indie darling and the Emmy winner. It landed on the same trending topics pages, it spawned its own legitimate think pieces that deconstructed the very nature of Piggy and Kermit’s relationship to begin with. For a joke, it sure seemed to mimic the process when it is being taken serious.
So the question is, why do any of these stories matter to us? Whether it’s a couple of Muppets or real flesh and blood famous people, there’s some strange connection we make to the relationships of celebrities. We follow the stories as if they were plotlines on our favorite show. We crack jokes about them, make hashtags, pick teams. The advent of social media has only made this type of obsession more and more a casual aspect of our lives.
This technology is new; however, maybe the motivations behind it are anything but. American culture has no aristocracy built into its official hierarchy, and while there are economic class distinctions, the cultural elite don’t seem to directly fall across those lines. Aside from a few outliers like Bill Gates, most people can’t name a lot of major business owners, but almost everyone can rattle off the names of their favorite celebrities. Our curiosity for celebrity gossip may in fact be the same curiosity that the people of England had about what was going on with King Henry and Anne Boleyn in the 1530’s.
Celebrity gossip takes people we see as larger than life figures and makes them relatable to us. Not unlike connecting with a character in a good book, we connect with their stories and find little bits of our own selves in them. By chatting about their lives, talking with friends about them, posting tweets about them, we feel a little bit of kinship with them. Since we put them on a pedestal, this kinship means we put ourselves a little bit on one too.
Maybe this vicarious living through those we have deemed the elites also give us the ability to talk about other peoples lives in a way that makes us feel safe. Most of us are as likely to run into Jon Hamm as we are Kermit, so we don’t really risk much when we talk about either of them. It can be a way for us to vent the frustrations or anxieties we might have about our own love lives, or find things to compare them to, without feeling like we’re ultimately going to hurt anyone else.
Whatever the reason, celebrity gossip is a thriving industry and it doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of going anywhere soon.
What is your take on our fascination with Celebrity relationships?
There are rules in a lesbian relationship people don’t understand…
No matter what type of relationship you are in, there are rules, but rules in a lesbian relationship are something that a lot of #people don’t understand. I’ve been in a gay relationship for 6 years and there are rules in a lesbian relationship that none of my friends get – but that’s okay! I’ve got all of the rules #below that can really help you understand how a lesbian or even a gay relationship works!
1. THERE ARE NO GENDER DEFINITIONS
When it comes to lesbian relationships, one of the top rules in a lesbian relationship is that there are no gender definitions. Just because I work outside of the home and my partner works inside the home, doesn’t mean that I am suddenly the ‘man’ in the #relationship. It just means that I work outside and she works in. There aren’t automatically roles that lesbian relationships follow, it depends on the participants.
2. NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP HAS A BUTCH/FEMME
Also, not every relationship has a butch lesbian and a femme lesbian. Truthfully, a lot of #people have that misconception about lesbians and it’s simply not true. In my #relationship, we are just us, regular people who happen to love one another. I am not a femme or a butch and neither is my #partner.
3. SEX TOYS
Another rule in a lesbian relationship is that not every relationship has to have sex toys – and if a lesbian does use them, it doesn’t mean that she is missing something. Truthfully, a #girl can get off in so many other ways and sex toys can just be for fun. In a lesbian #relationship, us girls just want to have fun!
4. SEX DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A STAPLE EVERY NIGHT
Because you are dealing with two girls, there isn’t a rule that you have to have sex every single night. You can actually go a few weeks or even months without sex just because you don’t feel like it. Try that out with a guy and who knows what can happen to your #relationship!
5. NURTURING THE RELATIONSHIP TAKES TIME
A lot of the #time, people just assume that because two lesbians are dating, they are automatically engaged – or that just because they are in a relationship, they automatically want to settle down. Nurturing the #relationship takes a long time and trust me, a girl wants to know her partner inside and out before completely committing.
6. ANY CHEATING IS STILL CHEATING
In a lesbian relationship, any cheating, whether it is online, with another #girl or even with another guy – it’s all considered cheating. This is a huge rule in my #relationship and because of past relationships, I have a bunch of trust issues. This is another misconception that #people have about lesbian relationships – that if a lesbian cheats with a guy, doesn’t mean that she is cheating. Not true!
7. NO AUTOMATIC THREESOMES
Finally, another rule in a lesbian relationship all revolves around threesomes. Just because a girl is in another relationship with another #girl, doesn’t automatically mean that she is going to ask for a threesome. In my relationship, I can’t share – ever.
So, while these are some rules and misconceptions that you might not understand – do you get them a little better now? Lesbian relationships are normal and have rules just like anyone else! So, what other rules do you have in your #relationship?
At a certain point in every relationship, dollar pizza date nights just don’t cut it anymore. You’ve got to step up your game, and what better way to do that than get the hell out of town? Weekend trips are great, but they can also be a hassle to plan. So to save you the pain of poring over Fodor’s and Expedia, we picked out a romantic rendezvous point in every state in America. We favored smaller towns and quiet lakes/mountains/beaches to make it seem more like a “getaway,” and tried to steer clear of experiences that hinged too heavily on one really kick-ass resort. (Though we certainly dug into some hotel recs.) Enjoy your stay, and be sure to tip your B&B hosts well:
Alabama
Orange Beach
The Orange Beach area of ‘Bama had activities for you and your your frat bros (Hangout Fest! Pristine beaches ripe for dumping your cooler of cheap lager!), but it also boasts plenty to do now that you’re an adult and attempting to impress someone not wearing an airbrushed tank. You can ride the Ferris wheel on The Wharf, go mini-golfing on Adventure Island, take a glass-blowing class at the arts center, or, you know, lie on the beach. But anytime you have the opportunity to eat and drink on a boat while watching dolphins, you should always take it. So make that a priority.
Fairbanks
While reenacting your favorite scenes from Balto is romantic in its own way, a couples retreat in AK isn’t complete without some Northern Lights action. Your best bet is to head to Fairbanks. Make sure to book a place with aurora wake-up calls (many of them do this) and then decide whether you want to embark on a lights-themed van tour or dogsled adventure for the day. Keep in mind that the latter will fulfill those Balto fantasies.
Arizona
Sedona
You’re going to Sedona to marvel at all the majestic red rocks, but it’s your call whether you do this via pink Jeep tour or hot-air balloon. (But trust us: unless your date has Barbie Dream Car fantasies, there’s really only one option here.) When you decide you need a break from staring at nature, head to one of the city’s 20 art galleries to take in the fine Southwestern paintings and ceramics. Then head back outside to hike, kayak, ride ATVs, or maybe just drink wine in the fresh AZ air.
Arkansas
Eureka Springs
The very phrase “Victorian mountain village” should sell you on this AR escape, but in case you need more convincing, here it goes: Eureka Springs has outdoorsy activities (canoes, scooter tours, big cat refuges, etc.). Eureka Springs has small-town charm (chocolate shops, kaleidoscope-kite stores, dinner trolleys, etc.). But most important, it has mountain opera, which everyone knows is the best kind.
California
Napa
Napa Valley is the expected choice here, but you can mix it up by pretending to be Batman and enjoying your California wines in a legit cave. While there are many excellent, echo-y options out there, most of them are reserved for private parties (read: crazy expensive to book). But at Jarvis Estate, it’s part of the tour! After you’ve finished your subterranean wining, there’s plenty of excellent food, shopping, and river sports in Napa to fill the rest of your vacation. Also, lots more wine.
Colorado
Estes Park
You’re probably thinking this should be a ski resort town, but why limit yourself to the slopes? At Estes Park, active couples can go whitewater rafting, fishing, horseback riding, hiking, climbing, zip-lining, and ropes-coursing all in one weekend. Once they finally wear themselves out, there are spas or booze centers (wineries, breweries, and distilleries!) where they can unwind. Or just recharge before hitting salsa night at Kelli’s Lounge, which seems like the only thing to do after enjoying a booze center.
Mystic
After getting hitched, Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall famously retreated to the seaside town of Mystic. Because you also want a town that is small, pretty, and full of coastal photo ops should the admiring paparazzi, who we are sure constantly totally follow you, want a picture of you with a good backdrop, you should head here, too. The main attraction in town is the Mystic Seaport, where you can see old restored ships and a tiny recreated 19th-century village. (You better believe they have a printing press.) There’s also an aquarium, planetarium, and dining options outside that one famous pizza place. And if you’re all about authenticity, you gotta book a stay at Bogie and Bacall’s actual hotel, The Inn at Mystic.
Delaware
Montchanin (Brandywine Valley)
Montchanin is where the very lovely Inn at Montchanin Village is based, but you’re not going there to explore that town specifically (it’s an unincorporated community, anyway). You’re going there to drop your bags, maybe do a quick spin around the hotel gardens, and head out to the larger Brandywine Valley area. While you won’t be inundated with an incredibly boozy concoction everywhere you go, the region, which encompasses swaths of Delaware and Pennsylvania, does have several gorgeous manors and gardens there, including the Nemours Mansion andWinterthur, built by the Du Pont family. You can check out those, plus theDelaware Art Museum and, like, so many parks. But if your partner has a home shopping addiction, beware: the QVC studios are just over the state line.
Florida
Amelia Island Florida may be worse than New Jersey, but it does have amazing beaches. And if you’re in the Sunshine State with a boy/lady friend, you might as well find one where you’re allowed to ride horses! Amelia Island itself is pretty quiet, so you’ll get a more intimate experience than you would in Key West or Miami Beach. Plus it’s named after a princess, so you know it’s fancy. There’s requisite scuba and parasailing action, but also aPARTY BOUNCE PLAY full of inflatable slides and bounce houses. It’s technically for children, though they might be open to letting a nice-looking adult couple in.
Georgia
Savannah
OK, we know Savannah isn’t some tucked-away little town – it’s one of the largest cities in the state. But we’re willing to bend the rules a little here because it’s so ridiculously pretty. A stroll through Forsyth Park (with its trademark fountain) is a must. So is browsing the vendors (and ships) along River St. You can see a lot of the historic district through a trolley tour, which is always fun. But if you’re the type of couple that watches Poltergeist on Valentine’s Day, you can opt for a ghost tour instead. Just be sure to wear your most romantic all-black outfits.
Kauai
Look, you just can’t lose with Hawaii. You could seek out the dumpiest motel and eat exclusively McDonald’s, and your special friend would still be impressed. Not that you should do that. (Please don’t do that.) But if we had to choose a particular island for your retreat, it would have to be Kauai. Why? Lumahai Beach, Hanalei Valley, and Waimea Canyon. Google them. Book your trip. Done.
Idaho
McCall
Whether you’re looking to escape in June or January, McCall can cater to your vacation needs. In the winter, the resort town offers snowshoeing, snow tubing, and skiing off Brundage Mountain. (Also, hot springs in a ghost town. Seductive!) In the summer, you can use Payette Lake for all sorts of water sports. A Loch Ness-type figure named Sharlie is rumored to hang around, so if you wanna really make an impression and score a private patch of the lake, just shout his name.
Illinois
Galena
Yes, Galena has wine tours. Yes, Galena has carriage rides. Yes, Galena has antique stores. Yes, Galena has a 2,050-foot alpine slide. But it also has the Ulysses S. Grant Home, and nothing’s quite as sexy as dead presidents named Ulysses.
Indiana
Wabash
Wabash is home to many parks and an apple orchard, so you’ll have no shortage of romantic strolling options, and the shops range from thrift stores to doughnut hubs, so all interests are accounted for. Most importantly, there’s the 13-24 Drive In, so you can snuggle up under the stars to, uh, The Transporter Refueled.
Decorah
Decorah gets name-dropped a lot in reference to The Hotel Winneshiek, a pretty hotel boasting a tap room, “opera house,” and at least two fancy stone pillars. Obviously, you should stay there, but don’t spend all weekend cooped up in the place. Get out to Malanaphy Springs and Phelps Park for your nature fix. Head to the speedway on Saturday, if you’re into fast cars. Or go to the Wayside Skating Rink, if you’re into slower-paced races.
Kansas
Abilene
Get excited, Dwight D. Eisenhower fanatics, ’cause Abilene is the proud site of his presidential library, museum, and boyhood home!! For those who don’t like (or are merely ambivalent about) Ike, you’ll still be pleased with the town’s dinner trains and trolleys, as well as the Seelye Mansionand Brown Park Waterfall. If you aren’t opposed to cowboy kitsch, there are staged gunfights and can-can dances at the Alamo Saloon in “old town.” (Attention ghost hunters: it’s also supposedly haunted.) Finally, pro tip: book the Victorian Inn. Jay and Adrian will take care of you.
Kentucky
Brownsville (Mammoth Cave National Park)
At 400 miles, Mammoth Cave is the longest cave system in the world. That’s the kind of natural wonder that merits a weekend adventure, although you shouldn’t sleep in the actual cave – that’s creepy! (And, we’d imagine, illegal.) Book a spot in nearby Brownsville instead. There’s a B&B with a covered porch, where you can watch hummingbirds as you sip your coffee. And if you get all caved out, Brownsville is a 20-minute drive from Nolin Lake.
Avery Island
Nothing reignites a fiery romance quite like hot sauce (and the ensuing indigestion), so get yourself to Avery Island, home of Tabasco. After you’ve finished up your pancakes at a B&B in New Iberia (the isle doesn’t have hotels), your first priority is Jungle Gardens, a 170-acre collection of azaleas, camellias, an old Buddha statue, and the rogue croc or deer. If you’re a bird-watching couple (reign it in, you party animals!), there’s a separate tour of “Bird City” as well. After you’ve taken in all the pretty flowers, it’s time to tour the hella-romantic Tabasco factory. The hot sauce company has an additional restaurant and Cajun-inspired “food tour” on Avery Island, just in case your date isn’t impressed with bottling operations.
Maine
Kennebunkport
At Kennebunkport, it’s not a question of whether you’re getting on a boat. It’s what type. There are whale-watching boats, schooners, even “scenic lobster cruises.” As far as landside activities go, you obviously have beaches and a lighthouse (off Cape Porpoise) at your disposal. But the place also boasts romantic fine-dining options like The White Barn Innand a “tree spa” that’s literally in the treetops.
Maryland
Smith Island
Ocean City is crowded and full of spring breakers, so assuming shotgunning college kids aren’t what sets the mood, head to one of the Chesapeake Bay’s tiny islands instead. While they all have their merits, only Smith Island has the state’s official, multi-layer dessert: Smith Island Cake. (They really thought hard on that name.) Stuff it, and so many crab cakes, into your face while staring lovingly into your partner’s eyes. Then rent some bikes or kayaks and lap the island. Don’t be alarmed by the locals’ weird accents – the place is so remote, they still have traces of English affectation.
Massachusetts
Nantucket
You like lighthouses? Nantucket has three. You like beaches? Nantuckethas 10. You like whales? Well, you might have mixed feelings about theWhaling Museum, but it’s there! There are also tons of shops and restaurants to hit during your preppy, picturesque New England weekend, so don’t waste too much time posing for profile pictures on Brant Point.
Mackinac Island
There’s a horse-drawn carriage in the place’s logo, so you’d be stupid not to take one through the tiny, frozen-in-time island. But that’s not all there is to do. You can kayak or parasail. You can reserve spots on a “sip ‘n sail” tour (sophisticated booze cruise!). You can stuff your face with free samples of the island’s famous fudge. And if you’re a big fan of cheesy Christopher Reeve movies, you can stay at the gorgeous Grand Hotel, where they filmed Somewhere in Time.
Minnesota
Lutsen (North Shore)
The North Shore is a section of the Lake Superior coastline with all sorts of frameable scenery. If it’s the summer, you can canoe or hit up a picnic site. If it’s the winter, you can snowshoe or skate. And while you have many lodging options, you should probably go with the beloved Lutsen Resort, which boasts the Wine Spectator-approved Lakeside Dining Room.
Mississippi
Natchez
Natchez is located right on the riverbank, so you have all kinds of maritime activity options on the Mississippi River. On land, there are blues concerts happening basically every night, and gorgeous antebellum homes you can actually stay in. Don’t forget the distillery and the winery. Or the carriage tours of historic Downtown.
Missouri
Branson
This lovely Ozark town boasts everything from scenic railway tours tobutterfly palaces. The shopping and restaurant hub is at Branson Landing, which has a $7.5 million fountain production featuring fire cannons and 120-foot geysers. Think the Bellagio meets… the Ozarks. It might sound terrifying, but it’s amazing.
Montana
Whitefish
Biking and hiking are big in the city of Whitefish, as is skiing. (Bonus: when the chairlifts aren’t being use to transport skiers, they’re summertime “gondola rides.”) The Whitefish Mountain Resort also has an “aerial adventure park,” which is basically an obstacle course… in the trees. Another aerial option is a hot-air balloon ride courtesy of 2 Fly Us. As for indoor extracurriculars, consider a massage at one of the city’s spas or grab a pint at Great Northern Brewery.
Valentine
No, we didn’t just pick it because it has romance right in the name. (Although it doesn’t hurt.) Valentine is a prime location to check out the state’s sandhills, and it’s also got the Niobrara River in the mix. Take on the Civilian Conservation Corps Nature Trail, which ends at an old fire tower. At the top is an observation deck with great views of the prairie. If plains aren’t your scene, trek over to Smith Falls State Park to see the highest waterfall in Nebraska. As for lodging, you have plenty of resorts,B&Bs, lodges, and even elk ranches to choose from.
Nevada
Lake Tahoe
A couple’s trip to Nevada necessitates a redirect from the Strip and the, uh, stripping, to the state’s other wonders at Lake Tahoe. It’s huge, surrounded by trees and snowbanks, looks damn fine during a sunset, and considered by some (OK, USA Today) to be the best lake in America. The snowboarding and skiing is pretty famous at this point, but the place has just about every outdoor activity imaginable. Since it’s a resort town, there are also plenty of nice hotels, restaurants, and boutiques. And this is still Nevada, so there are places to playblackjack, if you’re so inclined.
New Hampshire
Pittsburg
“The Snowmobiling Capital of New England” is a very specific nickname, but those winter speedsters aren’t the only thing Pittsburg has going for it. Lake Francis State Park is a pretty big draw, although if you don’t like that lake, the town has five others (and almost all of them are named after Connecticut). Be sure to seek out Garfield Falls, and the steak at the Rainbow Grille. Before you leave, also be sure to congratulate the town on having one less letter than that Pennsylvania town. We assume it’s saved so much money on tourism brochures over the years.
New Jersey
Cape May
All right, get out all your jokes about “romantic New Jersey” now. You can also go ahead and mock us for picking a Jersey Shore destination if you like, but there’s a world of difference between Seaside Heights and Cape May. First off, you won’t bump into Snooki here. Second, the place has its own winery and brewery. (A brewery, we might add, with a pretty excellent sampler deal.) Third, it’s got museums and even a theater to pair with the requisite beach activities, like parasailing, Jet Skiing, and general boating. Fourth, there’s a downright impressive amount of B&Bs, meaning you won’t have to pony up for a beach house rental. Fifth, we mentioned no Snookis, right?
Cloudcroft
Don’t let the crazy-high elevation (8,600 feet) scare you away from this pretty N.M. village. Tourists routinely praise the rail trails, which afford great views of all the lush scenery and old railroads. Couples with matching goggles can shred Ski Palace. And while golf might not be the most obvious couples activity, the course at The Lodge is too good to pass up.
New York
Skaneateles (Finger Lakes) The Finger Lakes are your go-to New York destination in this arena, but there are 11 of them, and they all span different towns. So we’re picking Skaneateles, because it’s the hardest to spell. Its twowineries, art gallery,lake cruises, and neighboring strawberry fields (not the psychedelic kind) also helped.
North Carolina
Duck (Outer Banks)
When you’re discussing a chain of barrier islands in the Atlantic, “secluded” becomes pretty relative, but Duck has managed to stay (relatively) under the radar, meaning you’ll find it slightly more private than the rest of the Outer Banks. Unless you’re renting a house, you have just two hotel options: Sanderling Resort or the Advice 5¢ B&B. Don’t worry, they’re both great. This is a tiny town, so you’re mainly going to take advantage of the quieter beaches and boardwalk, but make a point to swing by Duck Donuts on at least one of your mornings.
North Dakota
Medora
We’re obviously sending you to the Badlands – ignore the name, they’re pretty! – but specifically to historic Medora. The place is home toTheodore Roosevelt National Park, and you know if it’s got Teddy’s name on it, it’s a natural beaut. You can buy carriage ride tickets at the mini golf place, or stagecoach ride tickets at the Chateau de Mores Interpretive Center, if you still haven’t gotten over your Oregon Trail obsession. For dinner, head to Theodore’s Dining Room, unless you’re ready for the wacky marvel that is Pitchfork Fondue.
Logan (Hocking Hills)
The Hocking Hills region has heaps of natural wonders – it’s just a matter of how much you wanna hike. The state park offers six major trails that take you to Ash Cave, Cedar Falls, Cantwell Cliffs, Conkle’s Hollow, Old Man’s Cave, or Rock House. They’re all spectacular, but if you want easy access to the scene above (that’s Cedar Falls), your best bet is to book a spot at The Inn & Spa at Cedar Falls. It’s pet-friendly! And it has mud wraps, which are totally sexy if you like looking like a swamp monster temporarily.
Oklahoma
Broken Bow
Broken Bow has hills (the Kiamichi Mountains) and water (Broken Bow Lake) to suit all your scenic needs. History nerds will no doubt love theGardner Mansion & Museum, which houses an extensive collection of Native American artifacts. After a long day of canoeing and history lessons, you can unwind at Girls Gone Wine, which is not nearly as trashy as the name would suggest.
Oregon
Cannon Beach
You might recognize Cannon Beach through Haystack Rock, a puffin hotspot that rises 235 feet out of the water. You can walk right up to it during low tide to gawk at all the sea life surrounding it. But if large ocean rocks aren’t your thing, the city has several other beach options at Ecola State Park, Hug Point, and Arcadia Beach. The non-sandy part of town offers constant arts festivals, glassblowing galleries, creperies, and a distillery. Put them all together and you have one wild Saturday afternoon.
Pennsylvania
Jim Thorpe
Anywhere in the Poconos is an ideal PA getaway, but if you’re planning a couples vacation, you should probably go with the town that’s oftencompared to Switzerland. Jim Thorpe boasts easy access to ski slopes and stables for horseback riding – and it’s right by Pocono Mountain Paintball, too! (You laugh, but it worked for Heath Ledger.) The town itself is full of pretty Victorian homes, including one you can actually tour: the Asa Packer Mansion.
Newport
Newport is so money, and it absolutely knows it. The town is home to so many Gilded Age manors, there’s a separate “mansions” page on its tourism site. Once you’ve gawked at enough chandeliers (and tour guides in absurd, old-timey hats), book a massage at one of the town’s several spas or head to the Newport Vineyards tasting room.
South Carolina
Landrum
You’re going to Landrum to stare at the Blue Ridge Mountains, and it’s much easier to do that at The Red Horse Inn, a popular anniversary and honeymoon destination. (You can even get your own cottage!) Landrum is also home to Campbell’s Covered Bridge, the state’s only remaining covered bridge. It’s a prime location for pictures and maybe a picnic. But if you’d rather not pack a basket, there’s always SC barbecue.
South Dakota
Spearfish (Spearfish Canyon)
It’s not often that South Dakota beats Arizona at things, but one part of the Black Hills has AZ beat. Spearfish Canyon is actually older than the Grand Canyon, and most important, less populated with screaming children. The 1,000-foot walls are much narrower, though, so keep that in mind as you wind your way through the rocks, trees, and creek. Make sure to hit Roughlock Falls, a beautiful waterfall featured in (ugh) Dances with Wolves. And do all the outdoorsy extracurriculars (climbing, fishing, biking, etc.) your nature-loving heart desires.
Tennessee
Gatlinburg
According to intel from the Association for Wedding Professionals International, Gatlinburg is the third-most popular wedding destination in the world, so this town knows a thing or two about romance. The Smoky Mountains setting allows for hiking, horseback riding, and skiing (Ober Gatlinburg is the only slope in the state). And the fact that it’s in Tennessee means you can drink moonshine at several distilleries. (Don’t worry, it’s also got wineries and breweries.)
Corpus Christi (Padre Island National Seashore)
Quick note: we’re not talking about South Padre Island, where you’re more likely to find frat bros “surreptitiously” stashing a beer bong than romance. We’re talking about the Padre Island National Seashore, a much calmer stretch of beach with the NPS stamp of approval. You might spy some newborn turtles (like this guy) crawling out to the ocean, but if you miss the baby animals march, there’s still windsurfing, kayaking, and sunbathing to keep you occupied. And you don’t even have to book a hotel in the next town over – the campgrounds are open year-round.
Utah
Park City
Those Mormons might not know how to party, but they do know how to run a ski resort. The secret on Park City got out a long time ago, but as long as you avoid the Sundance stampede, you can have a relaxing retreat. There are two major ski resorts: Deer Valley and the U.S.’s new largest ski bonanza, Park City Mountain Resort, which just this year connected Park City Mountain and The Canyons. All have their charms, and all have other snow options (like sleigh rides and snow tubing) if you need a break from carving up the slopes. Also, you can sign up for tours of the city’s food scene or a wine class from the pros. Do that.
Vermont
Quechee
This village is one of five in the town of Hartford, Vt. While your weekend might take you into West Hartford or all the way over to White River Junction, you should focus on Quechee for three reasons. One: Quechee State Park, which has the state’s largest gorge. Two: The Quechee Ski Hill, which is run by The Quechee Club. And three: the Simon Pearce Restaurant, a locally sourced eatery located on an old mill. It looks like it was painted in a goddamn fairytale – and not one of the grisly Grimm’s ones.
Virginia
Middleburg
There aren’t even 1,000 residents in Middleburg, but somehow, there are five wineries. If you love a good horse show, Fox Chase Farm is kinda famous for those. You can then follow up your classy equestrian event with an art gallery (Middleburg has several). And don’t you dare Airbnb this situation, because the local hotels are firing onallcylinders.
San Juan Island
The “San Juan Islands” consist of 172 islands, but only four have ferry service. One of them is the titular San Juan Island, which has (get your pencils ready) biking, hiking, whale-watching, plane tours, a vineyard, antique shops, a lavender farm, and an alpaca farm. It’s also very picturesque, but if your partner isn’t sold on the promise of alpacas, you might want to reconsider your relationship.
West Virginia
Lewisburg
Downtown Lewisburg is home to all sorts of cute restaurants, antique stores, and art galleries. It’s also got Carnegie Hall, which might not be the most famous Carnegie Hall, but does boast an impressive array of concerts and symphonies. The charming town has more than enough to fill a weekend, but if you feel like trekking into nature, hit up the Lost World Caverns. Then go back inside to the adjacent dinosaur museum.
Wisconsin
Chetek
The city of Chetek has six lakes to its name, so you’ll have no shortage of waterskiing venues. (Just don’t try to compete with the Hydroflites.) There’s also mini-golf and bowling to complement all your water sports. You could stay at the Chetek River Campgrounds, but honestly, that’s downright stupid when you’ve got Canoe Bay. The adults-only resort is a hotspot for anniversaries and even proposals, and frequently shows up on lists of the most romantic hotels in the country.
Wyoming
Jackson
There’s a reason Jackson/Jackson Hole comes up so much when you’re talking Wyoming: it’s kind of the place to be. You can see a lot of the gorgeous sights (Grand Teton National Park, Snake River Valley, etc.) viaan aerial tram that runs from Teton Village to the top of Rendezvous Mountain. And thrill-seeking couples will be stoked to learn about the paragliding flights from the tram’s peak – it’s the largest vertical drop in the U.S. The National Elk Refuge and Laurance Rockefeller Preserve are musts. As for shows, you can watch real cowboys compete at the Jackson Hole Rodeo or some fake cowboys sing “Bless Yore Beautiful Hide” at The Jackson Hole Playhouse.
It was 10:30 P.M. on a Tuesday. We’d met for our first date more than an hour before, and now we found ourselves shuffling our feet beside my car, struggling to say goodbye. Instead, Andrew said, “I know it’s late and you have to go home to do work, but I’m not ready for the night to end. Do you think you could stay out for just one more drink?” And that’s when I knew we’d get to a second date, readers.
While they’re not always obvious, men do give off signs they want to see you again. Some, like my now-boyfriend, invite you to stick around, unwilling to part ways so soon. I turned to a few male friends to dish on five more.
1. He’ll feel you out for the future. “I’ll mention an upcoming concert or event and ask if that’s something she’d be into seeing or doing,” says one guy. “I may not ask her right then and there to commit to coming, but I’m definitely planning to.” My guy agrees. “We’ll say something like, ‘we’ll have to try X, Y or Z,'” he says. “Making future plans, however loose, is a good sign.”
2. You made him laugh. “A sense of humor is so attractive, and if I spent the date smiling and laughing, I’m going to want more,” my friend says. A flowing conversation sans awkward silences, one that focused on common interests and lively debate, is also a great indicator you’re cruising toward date No. 2.
3. The time flies by. Have you ever been on a date with a guy who glanced at his watch after two hours only to have a holy crap expression cross his face? When a guy isn’t in a hurry to wrap things up—and is surprised by how time has flown with you—you’ve got him hooked.
4. He follows up within a few days. Any longer and you were likely an afterthought—unless he’s got a great, legitimate excuse. “It’s a balance, of course,” says another guy. “But a guy who’s into you isn’t going to let a week go by before contacting you.”
5. And the follow-up may not be about a seeing each other. “A guy who texts to ask you out for a drink at 10 P.M. on Friday is not actually looking for a second date—he’s looking to hook up,” says one guy. When a guy is into a girl, he says, the follow-up text or call might be about something more general, just to touch base and get to know you better.
What are some other signs a guy is going to ask you on a second date? How did you know you’d get a second date with your guy?
Healthy self-esteem is a prerequisite for healthy relationships. From my personal experiences, and my years spent writing about relationships, I’ve learned that poor self-esteem is the number one cause of unhealthy relationships, as well as the top relationship killer.
Self-esteem isn’t an essential need like food or water, but it’s a supplement that can either dramatically improve your life, or keep you stunted and unfulfilled. The fact is, you can only let in as much love from the outside as you feel on the inside. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you will never truly believe that someone else can love you and you will constantly be on the lookout for the other shoe to drop, for the guy you care about to leave, thus validating the fact that you are unworthy of love.
Poor self-worth is what traps us in bad relationships, what sabotages new relationships, and what causes us to feel so devastated and broken when a relationship ends.
Self-esteem doesn’t come from blowing kisses to your reflection in the mirror or repeating “I love myself” over and over. It takes time and it takes work and it isn’t always easy. Everyone’s path will be different, but no matter what, having a picture of what high self-esteem looks like, and how it can play out in relationships, is helpful and can help reveal the areas you may need to work on.
Having high self-esteem doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship, but it does equip you with the skills to identify what you want and realize you deserve to get it, and the strength to walk away if something falls short. Here are ten things people with high self-esteem do differently in their relationships:
1. Confident women don’t analyze if he likes them – they assume he does.
People with high self-esteem believe they are worthy of love and don’t question how someone feels about them. They know that they are good, competent, and lovable and trust that the right person for them will see this. They don’t attach their worth to what a guy thinks and, as a result, don’t feel stressed and anxious when a guy’s feelings are unclear. Instead, they assume he likes them and are able to be present in the relationship and enjoy it without being weighed down by fears and doubts.
2. Confident people realize if a relationship falls apart it’s because it wasn’t right, not because they did something wrong. Not everyone is a match and sometimes, two people are just incompatible. This doesn’t make either of them flawed or bad – sometimes it’s just not there. Confident women don’t take it personally when a guy doesn’t want a romantic relationship. They realize that it must not be the right match and they move on, with their sense of self firmly intact.
When a girl is insecure, however, and a guy leaves, she spirals. She may obsess, analyze, and replay every interaction in an attempt to uncover what she did wrong. She may know on a conscious level that it simply wasn’t a match, but deep down she holds on to the destructive belief that she was the problem…and that she is unlovable and the guys she wants will never want her back.
3. Confident women set healthy boundaries. Healthy personal boundaries and high self-esteem go hand in hand. Having strong boundaries means you prioritize your needs and your emotions and do not assume responsibility for someone else’s needs and emotions.
Confident women know what they will and will not accept and don’t allow themselves to be pressured or guilted into doing things they don’t want to do. They act in accordance with who they are and what they believe and don’t cater their behavior for a guy, or do things solely to keep him interested and happy. When you have weak boundaries, you may sell yourself out in a relationship and put up with treatment that you know is objectively unacceptable. Confident people don’t abandon parts of themselves in order to have a relationship. They bring their fully formed self into the relationship and if the guy wants something else, or something more, they leave.
A woman with healthy boundaries will not lose herself in a relationship, and will not allow her identity to be entirely contingent upon how he sees her. She will continue to maintain her own life outside of the relationship without giving up her friends, hobbies, or alone time. She won’t abandon important parts of herself or her life for the sake of the relationship and if a guy wants something else or something more than she’s willing to give, she’ll leave.
4. Confident women trust themselves and the decisions they make.
A key component of having high self-esteem is trusting yourself to make the right choices while also realizing you are well equipped to cope should things go awry. People with high self-esteem don’t constantly question their actions and feel conflicted about the right thing to say or do. They act on how they feel and are comfortable being their true, authentic selves.
People with low self-esteem don’t trust their judgment, don’t trust their gut instincts, and are afraid of being wrong. As a result, they either live their lives in a constant state of anxiety, or they look to others to guide them along the right path. This obviously does not do much to help one’s sense of autonomy, which is also a key element of healthy self-esteem.
