This might come as a surprise to everyone who attended my wedding last year. Don’t get me wrong – we had a blast. It was a wonderful family reunion, and the best party we’ve ever thrown. I just really, really wish it hadn’t revolved around us.
My husband and I were very happy that our families wanted to celebrate our union. If we made our mothers happy, then mission accomplished. But I didn’t want to play bride. I just wanted to be a wife.
The day we got engaged, everyone went into production mode. Where will the wedding be? Do you know what kind of dress you want? Have you decided on colors? How many people are going to be invited?
It surprised me that so many people cared. But then, I hadn’t realized just how many people lose their shit over weddings. People love them. They’re a big deal. And while I felt ready for marriage, I was not ready for a wedding.
I moved in with my boyfriend a couple of months ago and it’s been great! We get along really well. He makes me laugh, he’s kind and thoughtful. He built an Ikea couch! Okay, he followed the directions, but that’s extremely complicated! He buys me chocolate when he knows I’m annoyed. He’s sweet, but his interior decorating skills, are severely lacking. It’s not just that my boyfriend is disinterested in that stuff; it’s more that, it kind of stresses him out. In the beginning I was kind of bummed that we wouldn’t be going to antique stores and tag sales together to pick up unique finds. Isn’t that what all couples do? I felt irritated annoyed at him and angry every time I was shopping alone, but also resented it when we did shop together and he seemed miserable. I felt like I was dragging him and nagging him and it wasn’t fun for either of us. But throughout the process, I learned just how to combat this issue in order to make decorating fun, stress-free, and better for both of us. Here are the most important tips I can offer.
Keeping The Lines of Communication Open
Communication is key when decorating together. One of our biggest fights was when I brought back a big, beautiful, abstract painting that I wanted to hang above the television. Just as I was about to put in my favorite one up, my boyfriend told me he didn’t like it. I felt like this was an attack against me and I was really hurt. Then I remembered all the times I turned down his decorating ideas. We both realized that we needed to take each other’s needs into consideration and decided to talk more about what we wanted the apartment to look like. In the end, I was happy he spoke up, because it opened us both up to the possibility that we could turn our apartment into both of our dream homes, without one of us feeling unheard and unexpressed stylistically.
Be Willing to Compromise
If you couldn’t guess, my boyfriend and I have very different styles. I like to fill my home with cute tchotchkes, paintings, and artwork. If it were up to me, I’d fill my home with bright colors and patterns everywhere. Whereas Mmy boyfriend, on the other hand, likes to keep things minimal. Living together, I’ve had to let go of some of my collecting tendencies, while he’s had to embrace my style quirks. Though it wasn’t easy in the beginning, it’s a necessary part of home decoration. You want your home to reflect both of your personalities and styles. Your home is a place where you both want to feel comfortable and at peace.
What are the reasons why we find love with the Indians?
A Jewish friend of mine remarked once, only half joking, that he believed Indians are the true Chosen People. With no offense to Moses, I had to agree. I lived in India for about three years and my husband (currently known as my husPad, thanks to his appropriating the iPad he “gave me,” — but that is another column) is from New Delhi, which, in addition to providing me with lots of Indian friends and in-laws, have given me a pretty good perspective on the desirability of the people from the world’s largest democracy — and how to woo them.
Before getting to “how,” let’s start with “why.” There are obvious reasons one would want to date an Indian, such as how successful and professionally desirable they are. Indians dominate as engineers, doctors, lawyers, venture capitalists and entrepreneurs. They make up a large proportion of our graduate students — just walk around the campuses of Harvard, Columbia or Stanford or and you will see these incredibly attractive brown people all over the place. Which leads to point number two. Indian people tend to be really good looking. According to Wikipedia*, “India holds the highest number of Miss World winners, only to be tied with Venezuela.” (*That feels a little like citing The National Enquirer but I am going to go with it.)
Most Indians are innately gracious, social creatures; they highly value friends and family and have a calendar filled with various holidays and occasions to celebrate, which they typically do with gusto. Those endless jubilant dance numbers in Bollywood movies pretty much channel the Indian soul. Moreover, Indian men love to dance. If for no other reason other than you want someone to dance with you (or without you for that matter), date an Indian.
Ok, now that the stock for single Indians is up, you need to be on your game if you want to date one. If you are Indian, you can skip the rest of this post and spend the next four minutes savoring your desirability. If you are not Indian, keep reading to learn seven things that should ingratiate you with them. The first five have to do with Bollywood. Indians take Bollywood and their celebrities very seriously.
1. SRK
Two things you need to know about these initials. One, SRK is short hand for Shahrukh Khan, one of India’s premiere Bollywood celebrities. Two, you must have an opinion about him. He is a polarizing figure. Indians either love him or hate him.
2. Favorite actor
If you are pinched for time, you can simply claim SRK is your favorite and move on. But, if you want to take some initiative, I highly recommend you familiarize yourself with some Bollywood actors and choose a favorite. Some safe, attractive possibilities: Salman Khan, Aamir Khan, Hrithik Roshan and Amitabh Bachchan. Kal Penn does not count.
3. Favorite actress
See above. You need to have a favorite. You could claim that it is Aishwarya Rai, who is familiar to most Americans, although you will then be suspect as Aishwarya, while extremely beautiful and successful, is a pain in the neck. She has a reputation for being a major diva. Better options: Rani Mukherjee or Kareena Kapoor.
4. Favorite Hindi movie
It should be obvious by now that you need to have a favorite Hindi movie. If you bust out something like, “Yea, I loved Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,” you are very likely to get a second date. If not something straight out of the Kama Sutra. One strong recommendation: “3 Idiots”. It’s a newish film with crossover appeal. Major bonus points if you suggest seeing a Hindi movie together. Most major cities have theaters that screen Bollywood films otherwise you can easily stream one through Netflix, etc.
5. Bhangra
Bhangra is the percussion-heavy music that is featured in most Bollywood films. It has an irresistible beat that will motivate even the most dance-phobic types to hit the floor. Showing an appreciation for Bhangra will score you points. Finding a place that plays Bhangra music and going there together is sure to get you something straight from the Kama Sutra, especially if you exhibit the right dance moves, i.e. patting an imaginary dog while screwing in an imaginary light bulb.
6. Food
Indians love their food. Probably more than they love dancing. Unless you are willing to take some serious initiative in the kitchen, plan to go out for an Indian meal. Although this can be tricky. Many Indians would agree that it is often tough to find a good Indian restaurant, even in major cities. If you want to be adventurous and score some points, I suggest you try cooking him/her a few Indian dishes. You can get the basic spices in most grocery stores. I’m happy to share a dal recipe that is unbelievably tasty. (Really, it is called “Mrs. B’s Magic Dal.”)
7. Language
Indians love when you speak their language. (Note: there are hundreds of languages spoken in India. Aside from English, Hindi is the most prevalent but not all Indians speak Hindi so you might have to determine his/her native tongue.) Before we got together, Sanjay was greatly amused by my reciting various things in Hindi to him. I got a tourist book and told him among other things, that I was missing my green socks. Now there are several iPhone apps that will give you translations. I suggest you pick up a few and break them out at an appropriate time, probably somewhere well into the second date. You don’t want your date to think that if things go south, you will resort to stalking.
Good luck and let me know how these suggestions work out. I hope Laxmi, Goddess of Prosperity, smiles on you as you endeavor to date one of her people.
Oh yea, I almost forgot to mention: one more big bonus when it comes to dating an Indian: communication with cabbies. Think I’m kidding? New Yorkers: Just imagine if you could stop a taxi during the 4pm transition time and your date could say, in Hindi, “Hey brother, will you please take us to Spring and 6th?” You’d find Laxmi did indeed smile upon you.
They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. And according to a new survey, there is actually some truth in the fairytale phrase.
Research shows that the average woman will date 24 different men, and spend more than £2,000 before finding ‘Mr Right’.
The average date costs a woman £85.38, taking into account the money spent on money spent on hair, new clothes, travel and drinks.
This includes £2.48 on fake tan, £2.55 on a new outfit and £12.86 on their hair.
And despite most women preferring chivalrous men with manners, it seems most women like to go Dutch on a date, splitting the bill to spend £12.20 on food, £9.60 on drinks and £7.64 on entertainment.
Over the average 24 dates, a woman will spend over £2,049.12.
A spokesman for UKDating.com, which polled 2,173 of its members, said: ‘Although you cannot put the price on true love, it seems you can certainly put a price on finding it.
‘While men are still traditionally footing the bill of the date on the night, this shows how much women are prepared to pay behind the scenes to make each date successful.
Do you feel like you just can’t? What’s your motivation to exercise?
Awhile back, before I had joined and then quit my 4th or 5th gym membership, I was at my gym; doing my regular swimming routine in the pool. This routine consists of many different exercises in the water; using weights, the ladder steps, and my own body. It also involves jogging, walking, and some light swimming. I was in the middle of one of my swimming laps, when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye; I noticed an older man, probably in his late 60’s, who was in a wheelchair. He pulled his chair over to the edge of the pool, somehow plopped himself out of the chair and into the water; and very quickly began to swim circles around me. The man who was IN A WHEELCHAIR who has to pull his own dead leg-weight while he swims, was lapping me. And it wasn’t even close. He was kicking my very fat ass.
Now, you would think that something like that would be an inspirational moment for me; that it would help to motivate me; right? You would think, that because I am 45 years old, a widow, and someone who is often on the dating sites and trying to find love again, that I would see this as a defining moment, and take stock of my life right then and there. A normal person would see that moment as a turning point and say: “Wow! If that guy can find the motivation, than I have no excuse!” But I am not normal. I am someone who has always found any excuse to not exercise, and every excuse to eat more candy and Cape Cod potato chips. (they are amazing)
We are approaching a period of time when relationships are ready to go through a major redesign. The current paradigm isn’t working. People are unsatisfied in love; people don’t know how to make relationships work.
And, believe it or not, this isn’t a bad thing. Because when systems break-down, that’s when they change. I believe that’s what’s happening in the area of intimate partnership. The break-down is forcing us to move towards conscious love.
So what exactly is a conscious relationship?
It’s a romantic relationship in which both partners feel committed to a sense of purpose, and that purpose is growth. Individual growth. Collective growth as a couple. Growth that makes the world a better place.
As of now, most people get into relationships to satisfy their own personal needs. This might work for a few years, but eventually the relationship fails us, and we end up unsatisfied as a result.
But when two people come together with the intentionof growth, the relationship strives towards something much greater than gratification. The partnership becomes a journey of evolution, and the two individuals have an opportunity to expand more than they could alone. Deep satisfaction and long-term fulfillment arise as a result.
So if you’re someone who feels called to take your experience of romantic love to the next level, below are four qualities that characterize what being a conscious couple is all about. Welcome to the path of the conscious relationship. This is next-level love …
You might not realize it, but you have a romantic blueprint. We all do. It’s one of five romantic archetypes. You might be the Madonna type, who’s all about loving and giving. Or, you could be the opposite, the Cool Girl, who is more about loyalty and trust.
In order to have the most fulfilling love life possible, you need to identify which romantic archetype you align with and which love language you speak. You might relate to elements of all five of the archetypes, but we each have one that is more prominent than the others. Knowing your romantic archetype gives you valuable information about how you’re wired to give and receive love.
If you don’t understand how you tick, how can your partner know what makes you happy? Once you figure out who you are and what you need in a relationship, you can give this valuable information to your partner…and vice versa.
What’s a love language?
We’re not talking parlez-vous français here. Your love language is how you like to communicate love and how you want your partner to communicate it to you. For instance, some women feel more loved when their partner brings them a gift while others feel more loved through physical affection or being helped out around the house.
Think of it this way: Your partner might think bringing you flowers is a great way to show you love when what you really respond to is his taking the initiative to do the dishes once in a while. So, you might go through years of frustration, feeling that he just doesn’t “get you,” when in reality it’s kind of your fault for not teaching him what your love language and romantic blueprint is.
The five romantic archetypes:
1. The Gypsy:
Strengths: This is the most erotic of the archetypes. She is a free-spirited, sexual woman. She experiences sexuality as a transcendent experience connecting her with energy beyond her partner. Because of this universal connection, she can be more detached and prefers freedom to the stability of committed relationships. She knows what feels good to her, so sex is something she engages in for her own pleasure instead of to please someone else.
Gypsy Prototype: Angelina Jolie, Christina Hendricks, Sofia Vergara
Pain Points: She doesn’t have a hard time finding romantic partners but does struggle to form long-term romantic bonds and connect on a deeper emotional level.
Love Language: Touch, sensuality, and intimacy. She communicates with her body by holding hands, touching her partner when she speaks to him/her, kissing, playing footsie under the table, cuddling, and, of course, sex.
Perfect Date: The gypsy is so in touch with her physical body, she doesn’t need a lot of warming up before sex. She is erotic and sensual, so sometimes going straight to the bedroom can be an ideal date. Using feathers and blindfolds to be creative sensually makes the experience much deeper and more intimate.
2. The Venus:
Strengths: She is typically put on a pedestal and perceived as beautiful and sensual. Because she is an object of beauty, she can become disconnected or numb to her own true desires and pleasures.
Venus Prototype: Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox, Scarlett Johansson
Pain Points: She might need too much validation from external sources, which makes her vulnerable to becoming an object of pleasure instead of experiencing pleasure for herself. For example, an actress client of mine used to fake orgasms. She was more concerned with letting the other person see how amazing she was while she had an orgasm than actually experiencing that pleasure for herself.
Love Language: Giving and receiving gifts. She is not afraid to use her femininity or her flirtatious persona to receive gifts and affection.
Perfect Date: The perfect date for the Venus is to relax, get out of her head and back into her body, and be able to feel her natural sensuality through luxury. Going out to a nice dinner or ordering a bottle of expensive champagne can help her engage her eye for beauty.
One of the first life lessons little kids are taught is to always say, “thank you.”
When someone does something nice for you, you thank them. It’s a concept that is drummed into our heads starting at the age of about two. But you’ll notice that saying thanks doesn’t come easy. Very rarely does a kid remember to say it – it usually follows a prompt by a parent…now what do you say? And it never gets easier.
Gratitude doesn’t come easily or naturally to most of us; rather, it’s a skill that needs to be honed and crafted. But when you get it down, it can literally change your life. Countless studies have demonstrated that expressing gratitude can vastly increase our physical and emotional well-being.
Gratitude can also have enormous implications for your relationship…and your ability to find love if you aren’t currently in a relationship. When both partners see the good in one another and feel appreciative, the relationship is filled with love, connection, and harmony. When both partners focus on what the other isn’t doing and take each other for granted, the relationship is filled with resentment, frustration, and bitterness.
The truth is, a good relationship starts with you. When you bring positivity and happiness into the relationship, your partner will rise up to match and then your relationship will flourish. I’m not saying the responsibility is on the woman – it goes both ways. But the only person you can control is yourself.
If you want your life and your relationship to improve, you can’t blame circumstances or your partner. Instead, you need to take responsibility and make internal changes that lead to external ones. And the most important lesson is that of giving thanks.
Read on to find out how it’s done and why it’s so important.
Why Is It So Hard?
Life can tear a lot of us down. As the years go by, bitter experiences pile up and our hearts become shrouded with hurt and pain. The more jaded we become, the harder it is to see beyond the darkness and feel thankful for anything. A lot of us become the victims of our own lives and we feel justified in it. We blame our parents, our upbringing, the boy who broke our heart, the bad economy. I’m not saying none of it is valid, but when you dwell on all the bad hands you’ve been dealt, you fuel the fire of anger and resentment and this only makes for an even more miserable experience.
When it comes to relationships, expressing gratitude can be even more challenging because the stakes are so much higher. Romantic relationships can cause many emotions to rise to the surface…some are good and exhilarating, and some are bad and rooted in pain from the past. All of us look at life through a lens that is colored by our own experiences and we form certain expectations as a result. When you measure a guy against this code of expected behavior, he will always fall short and you will always feel disappointed. The reason he’ll fall short is because no one can get it right every single time. He isn’t a mind reader and he has been shaped by a whole different set of experiences.
When you think a guy should do something, and if he doesn’t it means he doesn’t care, then you ignore all the things he does that show he does care and get all riled up because of a few things that you (or rather, your unconscious mind) think a man should do when he loves a woman. You feel hurt and unloved and might start blaming him for “making” you feel a certain way. When you’re in this head space, you will not be able to appreciate anything he does and will silently resent him for not doing more. He can text you back promptly every single time and you will still get upset the one time he takes a little longer to get back to you.
When You Appreciate A Man…
Everyone likes appreciation; we all want to be seen and acknowledged for what we do. But appreciation hits different notes for men and women. Typically, women want to feel adored and cherished above anything else in order to feel happy in a relationship. Men need to feel appreciated and acknowledged. If a man doesn’t feel that, he will either leave the relationship or will stay in it and feel miserable.
When a man feels like a woman appreciates him, he will go above and beyond to make her happy. It’s not just about appreciating what he does, it’s about appreciating who he is. What men want more than anything is a woman who is happy with him. That’s really it. And a woman who expresses gratitude and is happy with who he is and what he does is the woman he wants to commit himself to.
The more gratitude you feel for him, the more connected he will feel to you and the more he will come to appreciate you. I’m not saying you’re never allowed to be disappointed or upset with him, but there is a difference between disapproving of an action and disapproving of a person. You can express your discontent in a loving way that still conveys an appreciation for his character as opposed to a punishing and blaming way that makes him feel bad or guilty.
If you want more love from your man, you need to make him feel loved and the way to do this is to show genuine appreciation for the things he does. Look at the intention, not the action. He’s not going to get it right every single time – that just isn’t possible. But the majority of the time, his intentions are good. He set out to make you happy and that deserves to be appreciated. You don’t need to give him anything in return – just you being happy with who he is and what he does is all he needs from you.
How to Train Yourself to Be More Grateful
Now that we’ve covered why it’s important to be grateful, let’s talk about tangible ways to do it.
I think the most powerful way to re-train your mind to be more grateful is to keep a gratitude journal. A teacher of mine gave me this suggestion many years ago and I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. I considered myself a very grateful person and did not see how this would benefit me at all. But then I gave it a try and wow…it was not as easy as I expected. My teacher told me to write down three things I was grateful for every day. Easy enough. The catch was that they always had to be different, as in no reruns.
As the days passed and the exercise got a little more difficult, I noticed myself changing. I started to live every day actively looking for things to be grateful for. Usually this was because I wanted to come up with three things and just be done with it, like getting in an early morning workout. I thought it would only continue to get harder but a funny thing happened after a few weeks…it actually got easier. And soon, I was finding way more than just three new things to be grateful for each day. I kept going with this for months and can affirm that it is absolutely life- changing. I felt so calm and so at ease and just happier all around.
If you are having trouble in your relationship, I highly suggest you think of two or three things every day that you love and appreciate about your partner. You don’t even need to tell him you’re doing this or what the things are. Just think about it every day and write it down. And like I did in my exercise, think of new things every day. It can be things he did for you or things about him. Focus on everything he does right and see how that impacts your relationship. (Mark my words, you’ll start seeing major changes within about a week or two.)
Even if you aren’t having major issues in your relationship, anytime your partner does something that annoys or frustrates you, just think about a few reasons why you care about him and why you’re grateful to have him in your life.
I just want to add that this does not apply to relationships where there is physical or emotional abuse. I’m talking about healthy, functioning relationships that just get rocky from time to time…as most relationships do.
If you’re single, think about what you love about your life right now. Think about what you’re appreciative for and good things that have happened throughout the day. I think writing it out is best because it makes it more real, but if that feels like too much of a commitment then just spend time every day reflecting on it.
Practicing gratitude on a daily basis can literally re-wire you. It can transform the way you think which will change the way you feel and the vibe you transmit. People can naturally pick up on the vibes someone is sending out. When you feel bitter or angry or jaded on the inside, it will come across on the outside no matter how you try to hide it. There is no faking being in a good place. You have to work on it, and if you do, suddenly everything will change and you’ll notice enormous improvements in all areas of your life.
It seems like every other day, another study comes out promising to give us the key to a successful marriage.
Why not? After all, those of us who want to be married want to stay married. In fact, a 2011 Pew Research survey found that 36 percent of adults believe that having a successful marriage is “one of the most important things” in life. While I don’t really believe that relationship success is dependent on one major “key,” and that it’s more of the right combination of the little things, a new study shows saying two small words can actually strengthen your marriage. Ready for them?
“Thank you.”
According to a new study published in the journal Personal Relationships, the key to improving a marriage is to show a little gratitude. Researchers from the University of Georgia conducted a telephone survey of 468 married individuals and asked them questions about their finances, their communication tactics, and how they express gratitude to their spouses. As the study found, expressions of spousal gratitude were a significant predictor of marital quality.
“It goes to show the power of ‘thank you,’” said Allen Barton, a postdoctoral research associate at UGA’s Center for Family Research and lead author of the study. “Even if a couple is experiencing distress and difficulty in other areas, gratitude in the relationship can help promote positive marital outcomes.”
The study also found that couples who showed higher levels of spousal gratitude were less prone to seek divorce. When couples express gratitude or show appreciation for each other, it can counteract or buffer the negative effects of conflicts. According to researchers, feeling appreciated and believing that your partner values you have a great impact on how you feel about your marriage and your commitment to making it last.
“All couples have disagreements and argue,” the study’s co-author Ted Futris said. “What distinguishes the marriages that last from those that don’t is not how often they argue, but how they argue and how they treat each other on a daily basis.”
In short, it’s the little things that matter.
Saying those two small words can do your relationship a bunch of good. But sometimes, expressing gratitude can go beyond a simple “Thank you.” Because of that, I talked to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, on how you can express gratitude to your partner each and every day.
1. Reach Out
Set aside time each day to reach out to your partner and listen to them talk about their day. As Dr. Ramani tells Bustle, “They may not be able to respond, but it becomes a touchstone, and lets them feel heard.”
2. Take Initiative
“Do something for them that they do not like to do without asking,” Dr. Ramani says. “But do it without making lots of noise about it. For example, take the car in for an oil change, clean the toilets, or weed the garden.”
3. Surprise Them
“This does not need to be big. It can be dinner on the table, making the plans and just whisking them away to something you know they like. Even try giving them a small gift that shows up in a briefcase at work,” Dr. Ramani says.
4. Compliment Them
“I know it seems small, and likely should be happening every day. But we often forget that those little words about your partner’s work, a new dress, or their smile put a swing in our step when we get them from strangers,” Dr. Ramani says. “But they can be profoundly impactful from our partners.”
5. Ask About Stuff
Don’t just listen, but engage in conversation. If your partner tells you something that happened at work, ask a follow up question the next day (i.e. “Whatever happened with that guy at work you told me about yesterday?”).
As Dr. Ramani says, “It shows not only that you were listening initially but that it is sustained. Few of us are heard any more in such a distracted world. To hear someone listening to us is a fantastic way to show gratitude.”
6. Again, The Little Things Count
Don’t be afraid to say “Thank you” or “I’m grateful” or “I noticed what you did.” According to Dr. Ramani, while those words are simple enough, they show that we notice the effort that our partner puts into the relationship and that we’re grateful for them.
In case you haven’t heard, thousands of activists have assembled in Standing Rock, North Dakota.
[Image: @OcetiCampNews]People from all over the world have joined in solidarity to stop disaster from occurring. Police brutality, illegal arrests and harsh weather have caused extensive damage and heartbreak. In spite of all their obstacles, the people of Standing Rock are more determined than ever to save their water. It’s inspiring, and heartbreaking.
I wanted to help. So, I went. I expected, at the very least, to be depressed by what I found there. But I was very wrong. The circumstances that brought this community together were certainly unfortunate, but the love I found there was unprecedented. Standing Rock has changed my life, in nearly every aspect. The way I organize and lead, how I approach my relationships, and how I see myself – it’s all shifted in a better direction. My goal in going was to give, but in doing so, I received some truly wonderful gifts.
“I’ve rarely seen so much love, gratitude, determination, resilience,” Jane Fonda said after a recent visit. I agree, wholeheartedly.
Standing Rock taught me more about love than anywhere else I’ve been on Earth. It is with deep gratitude that I share these things with the LoveTV community, and I hope that readers take them to heart.
Here are a few concepts I learned from the elders and community of Standing Rock, that apply directly to love. You can use these ideas to improve your own life, wherever you are – and trust me, the positive effects will be contagious. Feel free to try out one (or all!) of the challenges I’ve shared here. Let us know what happens in the comments, below.
Community is everything. Seek it out.
To “commune” is to participate in intimate communication with another person or group. At Standing Rock, a group of thousands collaborated in creating a conscious community. Coming from Los Angeles, I was initially uncomfortable with trusting a total stranger to help me pitch a tent. In less than a day, however, I was the stranger offering help to countless others.
The difference between isolation and community is simply showing up. At Standing Rock, thousands united with a common goal. This manifested in prayer, discussion, action and co-creation. It’s easier to love yourself when you’re part of something bigger, and community is available wherever you are.
Community challenge:
Find your tribe. Go on a walk with friends once a week. Call your out of state relatives and offer support. Allow yourself to be needed. You’ll be impressed by the results.
Gratitude is love’s strongest muscle. Use it.
At Standing Rock, we were on sacred ground. Prayer was happening everywhere, whether it was chanting around a sacred fire, dancing beneath the stars, meditating in silence, or simply putting in a day’s work. An atmosphere of gratitude penetrated every aspect of life at camp.
Prayer is gratitude, expressed. That’s it! Whether you’re thankful to a higher power, or you’re just glad the world is spinning – express it. Gratitude is as much for your benefit as it is theirs.
For me, saying “thank you” is the quickest shortcut to deeper connection. By looking a friend, partner, or stranger in the eye and offering the gift of gratitude, you’re consciously saying ‘I’m here.’ That’s love, in the purest sense.
Gratitude challenge:
Offer gratitude to someone in your life. Whether it’s a quick text, email, or delivered face-to-face, tell them why you appreciate them. Did a friend send you a note that made your day? Did your doctor give you excellent care a few months back? Tell them! Pay attention to how it makes you feel, and how they respond. Repeat this the next day, and the next – until gratitude comes easily. Notice how your world improves.
The goal of debate should be finding agreement. Argue with this in mind.
Standing Rock is a resistance camp, but their goal is peaceful resolution. At one demonstration, activists thanked the police for their presence, even after some of us had been maced and beaten. This gratitude was genuine, because police had honored us by being present. Even if neither side “won” that day, conflict was diminished by searching for agreement. That, in itself, is a win.
At another gathering, #NoDAPL activists were peacefully protesting with signs in hand. Across the street, an angry mob of #ProDAPL protestors began screaming at the indigenous people gathered there. I approached them, peacefully. It took some time to get them to stop yelling, but once they did, I asked them why they were protesting. Surprisingly, our opposition wanted a lot of the same things we did. If this were a talking circle, where we all tried to find agreement, there would be no need for signs, pepper spray or riot gear.
The truth is, conflict doesn’t always have two sides. People often fight over different versions of the same basic needs. The Standing Rock Sioux (and their Native American allies) have made agreement a priority in resolving conflict. This same tactic can be applied to domestic arguments, family disagreements, and diffusing hostility from opposing views.
Agreement Challenge:
Think of an unresolved conflict in your life. Do you and your partner disagree on a specific issue? Is your family politically split? Try removing your need to be “right” from the equation, and entertain perspectives on both sides. Exploring why people feel the way they do often says more than the feelings themselves. Is there one thing that you can all agree on? That thing might be your one-way ticket to resolving the conflict, once and for all.
Love is more important than anything else in your life. Take good care of it.
At Standing Rock, everyone had one goal in mind: save the water. This goal was aligned with each person’s core values and their love for the planet, themselves, and each other. It was love! That’s what was most important.
In this extreme environment, nobody cared what my day job was. Nobody asked how much money I had. Love required my heart, my focus, and a pair of helping hands. That’s it.
Relationships are as important as you make them. Prioritizing love (for yourself, others, and the world) is more crucial to your mental and spiritual well being than all the money in the world.
Love challenge:
Perform some acts of love today, whenever opportunities present themselves. Open a door for someone, write a thoughtful note, offer a compliment or a thank you. You have no idea how big the impact will be until you try it.
Standing Rock is everywhere. It lives in every act of love, every grateful thought, and every positive action. I will carry these truths with me always.
The Best Marriage Advice I Ever Received Was from My Parents.
Either through words or demonstration.
I feel blessed to be able to say this about my family, while dealt other challenges, my parents’ devotion toward one another was never in doubt when I was growing up.
However, there is no perfect formula for a happy and successful marriage.
I have been married for 21 years. My husband and I have been together for 26 years.
I have learned some things along the way from my own experience too.
In fact, I have learned some of my most powerful life lessons in the temple of my marriage.
For the record, I do not in any way claim to have all the answers.
Not by a long-shot!
My only goal is to share some thoughts and ideas that may be of service.
Ultimately a marriage can’t be fully evaluated until it’s over.
Perhaps that is why the “Til death do us part” is part of the marriage vows?
Some may refer to it as a marathon (as opposed to a sprint), but I feel it’s a shared pilgrimage.
This is true if you’re married for two years or two hundred.
It is always a journey with someone else, toward yourself.
If you take anything away from this article, please let this be it.
Even when people are good, loving, supportive folks they can screw it up.
It started cute. In the third episode of Supergirl’s second season, Alex Danvers, Supergirl’s sister and tough-as-nails alien fighting government agent met Maggie Sawyer, a detective who is no stranger to alien activity herself. Despite the silliness of their roles on a TV show about a superhero from space, there was something real in the spark between them. In that very first scene I found myself mentally willing them to make out. Later in the same episode, when Maggie nonchalantly discloses her sexuality to Alex, I was in deep.
But here we are five episodes later, and while that giddy queer girl cheerleading is still screaming out from my heart, giving me the feels in a time when I really, really needed it, the storyline has evolved into something I didn’t see coming. On paper it seems so incredibly simple, if you take out the coming out element to it, what you have seems like a fairly common unrequited love storyline. Girl meets girl, they start flirting, girl makes a move, and is rejected, girl is sad. And in a genre of TV like Supergirl’s blend of comic book action with relationship drama, that’s pretty par for the course. Sister show Arrow is full of the bodies of failed relationships (sometimes in the form of literal corpses who may or may not stay dead), and even Supergirl has had some hetero versions of this same arc.
Although I don’t think it’s healthy to always live in the past, I think that the ability to see it with new eyes, or looking at it with a different perspective can offer clarity.
I was home recently for Thanksgiving and was lucky enough to be joined by all 5 of my siblings. I have a big family and we’ve always been close. Though we don’t live near each other anymore and don’t get to see each other as often as we would like, we still remain close and connected. The distance only forces us to relish the time we do get to spend with one another. And this time was no different. We took breaks from the Thanksgiving festivities by watching childhood home videos, that had been left and all but forgotten in the basement. Even though I’ve seen the tapes countless times as a kid, watching them this time around took on a special significance. Not just because I’m older, and hopefully more mature, but my sister is about to get married, and therefore, I found myself thinking about her leaving us and starting a family of her own.
As a child, I would watch the home videos, only noticing the silly, ridiculous, and occasionally adorable things me and my siblings did. I would laugh at the badly choreographed talent show dances, the awkward moments caught on camera, and the bad haircuts and bold fashion choices, but this time around, I couldn’t stop noticing the interactions between my mom and dad. My parents had 6 kids, all under the age of 10 and were naturally surrounded by chaos, but they didn’t seem to let that faze them. They were so happy, patient, and I couldn’t help but notice how, amidst the yelling kids, dirty dishes, and piles of laundry, how full of love our house seemed. Sure, the videos didn’t capture many fights and arguments, I’m sure that they had, as is normal for any relationship, but watching them made the whole prospect of having a family seem like an adventure.
In the widowed community, the topic of “dating again” seems to be somewhat of an obsession by many.
When did you start dating? How did you know it was time? What did you do to “get yourself out there again?” Knowing this about others seems to fascinate everyone, and it usually begins with a list of probing questions and possibilities about wedding / engagement rings.
Some people continue to wear them. Others wear it but move it to their opposite hand. Some people keep their rings tucked away in a jewelry box or safe somewhere. A lot of widowed people add inscriptions to the rings, or add the rings onto a chain to make a special necklace. Some widowed parents might hold onto the ring to give to their son or daughter one day. The combination of things that people do or don’t do with their rings is endless. And really, it’s a highly personal choice, and everyone is different. I remember, awhile back, one widow friend telling me that after awhile, she took hers off, because she was no longer married, so wearing it “felt like a lie.”
I remember thinking to myself: That’s funny. That’s the exact same reason that I keep my rings on. Because taking them off feels like a lie.
The truth is, 5 years and 4 months after my husband’s sudden death, I still feel married. I still feel like Don’s wife. I feel that lifelong bond and that forever connection and promise and vow, and I don’t know how to figure out the rest of my time here, knowing what I know, (that he is dead and I can’t be with him anymore) yet feeling what I feel. How on earth do you just stop feeling that? It doesn’t make any sense to me. None of this does. And it never will.
Ever since losing my husband, people have been constantly asking me about finding someone new. Dating. Everybody has to know if I’m dating yet, or when I will be, or why I’m not yet, and if I’m not, maybe I should get on that immediately in order to make them all feel better or more comfortable or less awkward with my existence. I have been asked and probed rudely about the dating thing by friends, non-friends, co-workers, family, and total strangers. Never was the very fine line between the comfort of the widowed community and the return to the harsh, brutal world more clear than on my return flight from San Diego to New York, after spending a week in the understanding company of a couple hundred other widowed “family” members at Camp Widow.
![Image source: [http://bit.ly/2eYsBD1]](https://www.lovetv.co/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/wed.jpg)
And, believe it or not, this isn’t a bad thing. Because when systems break-down, that’s when they change. I believe that’s what’s happening in the area of intimate partnership. The break-down is forcing us to move towards conscious love.![[Image: @OcetiCampNews]](https://www.lovetv.co/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/oceti.jpg)
