Author: zfortadmin

Reaching a One Year Anniversary with No Drama and No Games

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

My boyfriend, Curt, and I are celebrating our one year anniversary in, like, two seconds. OK, it’s actually two weeks. The year flew by, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized this has been the most adult relationship ever.

I don’t know if this is sad or not, but even though I’ve been in several relationships, this is the first one since high school that has lasted longer than nine months — and I’m 24. Same goes for him at age 26. So yeah, we’re pretty stoked (and astonished with ourselves, frankly) that we even made it this far.

I’ve been doing a ton of reflection on what makes this relationship so much better than my previous ones, and aside from the fact that I’m dating an amazing guy, it also has to do with maturity.

Last weekend, during a little getaway trip upstate, I pitched Curt the idea of opening up a joint checking account for vacations. I know what you’re thinking: That’s batshit crazy. And maybe it is. But for us, it would make a lot of sense, since we travel together frequently and hate constantly having to pay each other back for shared expenses like gas and lodging.

I half expected him to pull over, jump out of the car and dash into the woods in hopes of escaping me and my crazy ideas. But he was actually super into it.

In past relationships, I would have never pitched any ideas like that to my partner because I simply wasn’t confident enough. There wasn’t enough trust.

Discovering deep trust is one of the many things that happen after being in an adult relationship for a year. Here are some more.

1. No drama and no games.

There’s no time for drama in a mature relationship. It’s boring. You’d rather use your precious energy on more important things, like planning awesome vacations and doing fun stuff.

Curt and I met on OKCupid. From the start, there was no shadiness. No ghosting or benching. No games whatsoever. Just clear, open communication about what we did and didn’t want.

Truth be told, we both weren’t looking to be exclusively dating anyone when we first met. He was enjoying the single life, and I had recently gone through a mildly shitty breakup. But after casually dating for a while, putting a label on it just made sense.

There was no lying or manipulating or ignoring each other to gain control. I never had to decipher Curt’s texts or anything. That shit is exhausting.

Because we have such great communication (which we work at — it’s not easy), there aren’t many ups and downs.

2. The conversations are totally different.

Even though we aren’t necessarily planning a future together right now, we talk a lot about our plans and goals. It’s a top priority to support each other’s dreams.

I love that we both independently have goals we’re working towards. Curt is both my sounding board and my accountability partner with the projects I’m working on, and I get to be the same for him.

So no, we have no time to gossip or talk about Kylie Jenner (OK, fine, maybe sometimes we talk about her) because we’re more focused on building our dream lives.

3. You actually take each other’s advice.

In the past, I was definitely too stubborn to take advice from an SO. For whatever reason, I wanted to always be right.

Curt is the one who inspired me to start side hustling in the first place. When I gave him the advice to start cooking more instead of buying meals all the time, he took it. And now he’s a master in the art of grilled cheese.

Taking someone’s advice is a clear sign of respect and trust. You need to be OK with being a little vulnerable to take advice. That type of respect only comes in a mature relationship.

4. You’re forced to learn how to navigate through challenges.

My boyfriend has a very different type of job than I do. I work in an office in Midtown where I get to rant about expensive weddings, and his work requires him to wear a uniform and have a schedule that’s constantly changing. We don’t really have weekends.

Since he’s also in the army on top of his job, he has to leave town at least once a month. Later this year, he’ll leave town for a month for training.

Our different lifestyles offer quite the challenge. But that makes our commitment to each other so much more important. I’ve realized recently that in life, there are bigger and more important things than your relationship. You have to start treating the relationship as a constant while life moves around it.

In the past, these challenges would have been a reason to break up. The more commitment you have to a person in a relationship, the more you want to figure out how to get over obstacles together.\

5. You actually care about each others safety on a different level.

The other day, Curt told me he worries about my safety more than he ever expected to. I feel the same way. The idea of anything bad happening to him crushes me.

It’s also weird knowing that I’m listed as an emergency contact in his phone.

6. Talking about the future isn’t weird.

Sometimes we talk about stuff that would have scared the hell out of me a few years ago. Of course, any discussion about the future is hypothetical, but I don’t have to blush when the possibility of living together comes up.

It’s nice to have the security of knowing I absolutely want to be with Curt for a long time. I have no doubt that he wants the same.

What does a “long time” mean? I don’t worry about it. I don’t have to constantly worry about his happiness or lose sleep over the possibility of him dumping me. He’s not going anywhere. A stable relationship provides breathing room to focus on your own happiness, too, which is so important.

Some of what I’m learning about being in a mature relationship scares me, but having my partner go through it all with me makes it less of a big deal.

We both have held each other to high relationship standards this past year, which has accelerated our growth as partners, friends and individuals. I can’t wait to keep growing with him. We’ve laid down such a solid foundation of trust on which we’ll build amazing futures.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Is this Official? His Point of View

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

So how do you know if you’re on the road to becoming a real couple, or if things are going to stay casual forever? According to guys.

When you start dating someone and things are going really well, there is usually shift towards being super casual with each other and becoming more serious. This shift typically starts happening before you’re comfortable enough to speak up and be like, “Hey, what are we doing? Are we exclusive? Are we not? Let a girl know!” And because you’re so paranoid about what’s going through his head, and how he feels, and whether or not you’re on the road to being Facebook official, you might miss some of the signs that things are getting serious.

So how do you know if you’re on the road to becoming a real couple, or if things are going to stay casual forever? A bunch of real dudes talked about in an Ask Reddit thread, and I’m sharing the responses. Here are 12 signs your relationship is getting serious, according to guys:

You Feel Less Pressure

mudra311: I think what I noticed, with my last relationship, was that she could literally show up to my apartment unannounced and I’d be happy to see her. We were so comfortable that things just ‘worked’ like that. In a weird way, when things get serious they feel more casual. When things are casual they feel more serious, if that makes sense.I love the last part of this! I knew my boyfriend and I were serious when I felt like the pressure was off. I wasn’t always stressing about when I should call him or what I should wear. Things felt more casual, which sounds weird, but it’s true.

You Don’t Feel Like You Always Have To Look Amazing

mrsmeltingcrayonsFemale: When you’re comfortable sending them pictures of you with weird faces that are really, really unflattering.Whether it’s sending horrifying Snapchat pictures, going to his house with no makeup on, or letting him see you while you’re crying and sick, being able to be your true self is a really important sign.

Other People Always Expect Him To Be With You

curiosity_abounds: I started to realize it was more serious when close friends invite me to dinners/hangouts/events and it’s assumed that he is coming with me. I realized then that others saw we were getting serious, and they approved of him being around.When things are casual, no one expects you to bring the person around all the time. But when things are more serious, people ask where your SO is when you show up to things alone, because they just assume you’ll be together.

Bathroom Stuff Is No Longer A Huge Issue

ViciousNakedMoleRat: You poop, while she’s at your place. I remember when one of my friends told me she knew things were real with her BF: it was because they could talk about pooping without feeling weird. Hey, you might never chat about your bathroom habits with your BF, but when you feel comfortable enough to do stuff while he’s around (even if you’re not talking about it), you know you’re pretty comfortable.

You Can Hang Out Together While Doing Your Own Thing

Kimbenn: With my current relationship, I knew things were serious when we could do opposite things in the same room, without talking, and still be content with being with each other. As college students one of us might be studying while the other is goofing off or both of us are studying, yet we still enjoy the presence of the other. In short, awkward silences aren’t awkward.You know you’re really comfortable with each other when you can hang out while he’s doing his homework and you’re watching your favorite show, and you go a while without talking… and it doesn’t feel weird.

You Know Each Other’s Schedules

mudra311: I remember dating someone for a month or even a few weeks and its like pulling teeth finding a schedule that works. Being in a serious relationship wasn’t like that at all. I knew everything she was doing for the week beforehand, and she knew my schedule as well. In between we would just say we were hanging out or not. I remember almost never being told we couldn’t do something. If she had to study, I would just hang and watch TV or play video games. That’s what I really miss about being with someone.Yes! Exactly!

You Start Spending More Time Together Than Apart

Leesure_: When you spend more nights together than apart it’s usually a sign. When my boyfriend and I first started dating, we took things slow and only saw each other once a week. When I realized I was seeing him every other day, I knew things were getting to a pretty serious level.

When You Include Him In Plans Without Really Thinking About It

Kudhos: I’d say when she starts making plans and include you in them. When a friend is like, “Hey, you can bring so-and-so!” and you’re like, “Cool, I definitely will!” and you assume he’ll go even before you ask, you know things are at a pretty real level.

You Start Leaving Your Things At His House

BonjourMyFriends: There’s a box of tampons in my bathroom.You know things are getting serious when you feel comfortable leaving your stuff at his place because you know you’ll be able to get it again shortly.

You Guys Respond To Each Other Pretty Quickly

wtknight: One thing I always notice is that both myself and my partner start returning calls and messages right away. If it’s casual then people return messages when it’s convenient for them. Exactly.

You Meet His Family, He Meets Yours

Work-AfterMale: I would never introduce someone to my family if we weren’t somewhat serious.When you live with your parents, it’s almost impossible for you not to meet your BF’s parents or for him to meet yours. But when you start to introducing him to grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, that’s when you know things are getting to a different level.

You Start Talking About The Future More

arrogant_ambassador: The dialogue changes. There is a sense of longevity, the idea that you will see each other in a week, a month. You begin to plan ahead, to discuss multi-tiered outings.If you’re really casual, you’re pretty careful not to talk about plans in the future, whether it’s a month or year away. When you feel like you’ll still be together in the future, you talk about it with ease.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Love is Physically Magnetic. Is this True?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Animal magnetism may be a more literal concept than it’s given credit for, according to a new study that finds that people are more attracted to their romantic partners after playing with magnets.

The research is an example of a social priming effect, an old idea in psychology that has recently become more controversial. The idea holds that when people are “primed” or prompted to think about a particular concept — such as physical magnetic attraction — it affects their cognition in surprising ways.

In this case, the magnets may make the metaphor of love as a physical force more prominent in people’s minds, leading them to report closer feelings with their partners, said Andrew Christy, a graduate student in psychology at Texas A&M University and a co-author of the new study. [13 Scientifically Proven Signs You’re in Love]

Social priming effects have become a battleground in social psychology in recent years. The entire field is in the midst of a “replication crisis,” because scientists have failed to replicate the results of many famous experiments when trying to repeat them. Social priming studies have been some of the highest-profile failures: In 2012, researchers failed to replicate one classic study of social priming, which found that people walked slower after being exposed to words related to old age, kicking off a firestorm of debate.

Today, some psychologists are unsure whether social priming really exists; others think it does, but that the effects are subtle and very context-dependent, making the effects hard to measure.

Love and magnets

In the new research, Christy and his colleagues attempted to guard against a false result by conducting their experiments twice, replicating their own research. However, independent replication by other researchers will be necessary to show that the magnetism effect truly exists, the researchers said.

In the new study, researchers focused on the metaphor of love as a physical force. They asked 120 students who were 18 to 22 years old and who were either in relationships or had been in relationships within the last few months, to fill out questionnaires about their connection with their partners. Before they began, the students were told to take a “mental break” by playing with blocks, putting them together and taking them apart. Some of the students were given magnetized blocks that attracted each other, while some had magnetized blocks that repelled each other, and some had blocks without magnets. [9 Cool Facts About Magnets]

The participants who played with the magnetically attracting blocks reported greater attraction, satisfaction and commitment in their relationships or recent relationships compared with those students given the other two block types, Christy told Live Science.

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Why Independent Women Are Saying No. Would You?

by zfortadminin LOVE

I see these changes in my friends and family and in the clients who come to me for marriage and family counseling.

These changes have taken place, for the most part, under the radar of our awareness but they are changing everything from how we deal with our health to who we elect as our next president.

A recent book review in the New York Times, from which the above picture was taken, begins:

“Throughout America’s history, the start of adult life for women — whatever else it might have been destined to include — had been typically marked by marriage,” Rebecca Traister writes in her new book, All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation. “Since the late 19th century, the median age of first marriage for women had fluctuated between 20 and 22. This had been the shape, pattern and definition of female life.”

But the times are changing, big time. An article in New York Magazine quotes Ms. Traister’s research:

“In 2009, the proportion of American women who were married dropped below 50 percent. In other words, for the first time in American history, single women (including those who were never married, widowed, divorced, or separated) outnumbered married women. Perhaps even more strikingly, the number of adults younger than 34 who had never married was up to 46 percent, rising 12 percentage points in less than a decade. For women under 30, the likelihood of being married has become astonishingly small: Today, only around 20 percent of Americans ages 18–29 are wed, compared to nearly 60 percent in 1960.”

“It is a radical upheaval, a national reckoning with massive social and political implications,” says Traister. “Across classes, and races, we are seeing a wholesale revision of what female life might entail. We are living through the invention of independent female adulthood as a norm, not an aberration, and the creation of an entirely new population: adult women who are no longer economically, socially, sexually, or reproductively dependent on or defined by the men they marry.”

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What Romantic Characters to Watch Out for In Real Life

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Petticoats and title inheritance might no longer carry relevance in the modern dating scene, but if I won the chance to share a drink and discuss the idiosyncrasies of romance with anyone—dead or alive—I’d choose Jane Austen.

Even though our boy-meets-girl encounters barely resemble those of the regency era, I promise you, Mr. Collins and Mr. Darcy types walk among us still. Ranked from most dangerous to the most heartwarming men deserving of a green light, here are six Austen archetypes you’ll surely come across IRL.

THE WILY WICKHAM — JANE GRADE: RED ALERT!

While maybe not the most conniving of Austen’s antagonists (that award goes to Persuasion’s Mr. Elliot, in my opinion), Pride and Prejudice’s George Wickham is downright dangerous. He’s a mix of good looks, charm, and heartless Machiavellian tendencies—yikes! Aside from being a perpetual weaver of lies, he not once, but twice lured 15-year-old girls into running away with him. Horrible, and now, very much illegal, sir.

What to watch out for: Maybe men today aren’t eloping with minors, but they have no qualms about using others for their own gain—in romantic relationships or even their friendships. Men like Wickham will go to great lengths to get what they want, and unfortunately, he’s not particularly concerned with morality.

Identifying 21st Century Wickhams isn’t easy—which makes them the most dangerous. One early sign? In your modern man, watch out for evasiveness and secrecy when talking about important things. If his stories aren’t adding up, and he gets touchy when you point this out, it might be a sign he isn’t entirely who he says he is.

THE SPINELESS WILLOUGHBY — JANE GRADE: RED ALERT!

When John Willoughby arrives on the scene in Sense and Sensibility, he sweeps Marianne off her feet—literally. Before she knows who he truly is, she has already declared her heart to him. Lo and behold, he recently fathered an illegitimate child and is fully prepared to abandon Marianne in a heartbeat, if it means big money. The promises! Oh, the promises! While Willoughby might be dashing and in love with the idea of love, he’s caught up in a rush of emotion and “plans” for the future without follow through.

What to watch out for: The world is full of men who love the chase and the early sparks of romance (I mean, who doesn’t?). But you’ve heard the phrase “too good to be true,” and Willoughbys are just that. Ultimately they lack commitment and are reckless with heart. In your modern man, watch for a pattern of over-promising and consistently under-delivering. Early signs might be flakiness—and later signs might be the classic Houdini act.

THE FLIRTATIOUS FRANK — JANE GRADE: FLASHING YELLOW

When Frank Churchill walks into Emma’s world in Austen’s Emma, he makes a concerted effort to woo her. And as the novel unfolds, he succeeds—at least a little bit. To the onlooker, it he seems like he’s smitten, considering all the time he seemingly wants to spend with her and all the banter they exchange. Yet, as the plot thickens, it turns out Frank was only flirting with Emma to hide his love for another.

Fortunately for our heroine Emma, her attachment to Frank Churchill doesn’t run deep. Still, the way her friends reacted upon hearing how he toyed with her emotions illustrates how selfish his actions were. He led on a woman for months, fully aware he could be hurting her and others along the way.

What to watch out for: Flirting is fun. But there’s a hard line between flirting and purposely manipulating feelings. People, even those as self-absorbed as Emma was early in the novel, aren’t puppets to be played with. While Frank Churchill has less sinister intentions than Mr. Wickham, flirting with Emma is merely a means to an end, clearly violating the dating commandment: Flirt unto others as you would have them flirt unto you.

While there’s no need to overthink casual flirting, if your real-life Frank is coming on pretty strong yet never wades into conversation of any real depth, it might be a sign he’s just having fun. Go ahead, enjoy the banter, but don’t expect much beyond that.

THE FORGIVABLE FERRARS — JANE GRADE: GREEN, BUT SLOW

Romance doesn’t come easily to everyone, especially if you are Elinor Dashwood and Edward Ferrars from Sense and Sensibility. When Ferrars meets Elinor, their connection is strong. It’s clear they’re into each other, but no advances are made. Edward fades into the background, never to be heard from. Later, it’s revealed that he’s engaged to another. Hmm…odd that it never came up during their multitude of heart-to-hearts.

Admittedly, if your target of affection is as emotionally reserved as Elinor Dashwood you’re not exactly set up for success—especially if you’re on the humbler side of things. But even though Edward Ferrars wins our hearts (and the heart of Elinor) by the end, the fact that he failed in the transparency department on such a huge scale was a big blunder. Really, Edward?

What to watch out for: Today’s man can be found making many lesser and more forgivable blunders than Edward. For instance trying to play it cool without saying how he feels (“wanna hangout” vs. “let’s go out on a date”), mentioning ex-girlfriends on dates, or accidentally drinking too much and saying something weird or awkward. While you should definitely take note of these kinds of actions, keep in mind that he’s human. Don’t be like Elinor though; feel free to call him out if he says or does something that bothers you! If you’re hanging out and it feels like a date, tell him that.

THE DETERMINED DARCY — JANE GRADE: GREEN, BUT SLOW

If you’re unfamiliar with this classic tale, in the beginning of Pride and Prejudice our hunky hero, Fitzwilliam Darcy, readily snubs his eventual object of affection, Elizabeth. Talk about a rocky start. But as their paths continue to cross, he finds himself more and more enchanted with her—and after one botched proposal and several miscommunications, by the end, he goes to great lengths (and expense) to prove to her that he’s for real. It’s his humility and determination that sets him apart as the inimitable Austen man.

What to watch out for: Today we should take note of the determined Darcys out there. Once these men have committed, there’s no ambiguity as to where they stand. This can be pretty refreshing in a dating world full of flaky Frank types. But you must remember: Darcy didn’t become the man we know and love entirely on his own. It wasn’t until Lizzie challenged his prideful arrogance, and made it clear that they were on an even playing field, that he was able to become a better, more humble man.

THE DEPENDABLE KNIGHTLEY — JANE GRADE: GREEN, GREEN, GREEN!

George Knightley and Emma begin as great friends, neighbors, and technically in-laws (her sister is married to his brother). They’re close, but over the course of the story, Emma’s actions frustrate Knightley, and he can be a bit obnoxious in correcting her.

Knightley might not be as dashing as Darcy, but the established friendship that he builds with Emma is really what functional, happy relationships are all about. At the base of any romance, there needs to be a strong foundation of friendship.

What to watch out for: What I particularly love about Emma’s Knightley is that, oddly, his way of dating is surprisingly the most modern. Knightley and Emma actually know each other before he professes his love—which is something we might take for granted in the 21st century. These days, we’re not as bound by social mandates of rank and circumstance in our courting; we’re given time—often even years—to think through if someone is right for us.

Still, it can be hard open our minds and give that guy who’s a friend a real chance. If you find your “friend” wants to be taken out of the friend zone, it is definitely worth giving him a shot. He might just be your white knight.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Accommodate Different Career Drives in Your Relationship

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

We tend to focus on the classic reasons why relationships can go sour (i.e., lying, cheating, abuse, etc), never realizing that a lack of compatibility can force a wedge between any couple.

More often than not, the termination of a relationship is the result of two people who, at their core, are incompatible, and unable to respect the aspects of each other’s personality that they could not understand.

When we try to force our partners to pour nicely into the molds we’ve created, we are challenging their natural instinct to shape themselves however they may choose. Often, this occurs in relationships where one person is naturally ambitious and driven and the other is more relaxed and settled.

One of the worse things you can do is attempt to fit your ambitious partner into a conventional mold, or try to change anyone for that matter. I’ve been on the receiving end and it isn’t fun. If you happen to be interested in/involved with an ambitious person, here are seven things you need to know.

1) They will choose work over a date night.

Sometimes, I prefer to work instead of going out with my significant other. The pressure to appease their loneliness would frequently force me out of my zone and into a dress and heels for an evening of distracted dining, rushed conversations, and unsettled energy. The whole time I’m on the date, I’d be taking notes and answering work emails. I would end the night frustrated because I missed hours of work.

Advice:

Set a mandatory date night once or twice a week. This is an opportunity for your partner to break away from work and a chance for you to get the affection and attention you need. If at any point you feel you are on the back burner, express this to your partner and offer some suggestions for how to resolve this.

2) Don’t be intrusive.

When your partner is occupied with their work, the worst thing you can do is to be intrusive. It will not only frustrate your significant other, but more than likely you will feel rejected.

Advice:

It is a mistake to think that you can distract your mate from work with sex or other ploys. When the focus is high and the thoughts are flowing, intimacy is the last thing on your partner’s mind. Learn when your partner is in his or her flow and give them space to create.

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Why He Didn’t Call Back

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

It’s interesting how things get misinterpreted in the dating game due to lack of communication between the sexes. One of the biggest examples of this is when a guy stops calling after what seems to the woman to have been the perfect 2nd date. She’s confused, he moves on and she tells all her friends about it.

So what really happens after that 2nd date to make a guy vanish from what a woman could read as an obvious love connection? Ask a woman and she will say one of many things that are nowhere near accurate.

Having dropped a few numbers myself in the past, and speaking with men out there dating today – I will present you with the real reasons why you never got a call back from that guy:

Darren S.

Single, IT Professional who dates to find his future wife.

Women consider it a perfect date because I paid and sat there smiling while they offended me and/or bored me to death with their conversation. If there is a personality clash I won’t call and she may not even know it.

I’ve had girls offend me by talking about things or other people that hit close to home, and I have had women who were just plain old lame. I don’t owe any of them an explanation because we were just dating so of course I just get rid of their number.

Brian M.

Single, Entrepreneur who dates to find a good match.

I never really learned how to say “I don’t think we are compatible” to someone…

I would say because I didn’t have the heart to tell her that “I don’t think we are compatible” upfront.  I know rather quickly whether I’m into a girl or not, usually within the first 5-10 minutes of meeting them so I know right away that I won’t be calling her back.

But I still go through the date and try to make the most of it.  She ends up having a good time, usually.  It’s really my fault for giving her the wrong impression at the end of the date because they usually ask to hang out again and I never do.

Levon M.

Hopeless romantic – Waiter at a popular restaurant

I went on a date with this one girl, she had a blast; kept calling me for like 3 weeks straight after the date asking to hang out. I never called her back because she smoked and had less than stellar teeth.

The sad part was this girl was like “Now that you met me, I bet you won’t call me back.” I asked her “why would you think that?” I thought she was crazy, even though she was right. I answered her question with a question to get off the hook then stopped calling her afterwards.

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Have Something Uncomfortable to Share? Here is When

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

After a long stint of online dating, Gemma Halliday had finally found the needle in the haystack she’d been looking for: an attractive, gainfully employed guy with “nothing weird or scary about him” — or so she thought.

“He seemed really nice,” the 31-year-old romance novelist from Los Gatos, California, says of her first phone call with the suitor. He even had “cereal-commercial cute” kids and a picture-perfect home. Halliday learned something else, too.

The man also had a wife — who was in a coma.

“At first I was a little shocked,” Halliday says. “It was very ‘Desperate Housewives.’ In the back of my mind it was like, ‘What happens if she wakes up?’ ”

When to drop the bomb

As strange as the news was, Halliday appreciated his honesty. “Had he waited to tell me, I would have felt he was hiding something,” she says.

Undeterred, she decided to meet the guy for a coffee date, but as it turned out, “the chemistry just wasn’t there,” she says.

But for other daters with secrets — a history of sexually transmitted diseases, a conviction for drunken driving, an obsession with “Star Trek” — the tell-and-then-kiss approach doesn’t necessarily work.

Take Tony Gilbert, 46, from Los Angeles. Throughout his 20s and 30s the body-care products salesman suffered from severe psoriasis, a red, scaly skin condition that covered 20 percent of his body. Besides the itching and discomfort, there was the painful matter of having to tell a date that things might look a little “unsightly” but that “it’s not contagious.”

Rather than share those details over an initial cup of coffee, “I got to know [the person] first, and if I thought we might get intimate, I would tell them,” says Gilbert, who is now married and completely psoriasis-free, thanks to medication he has been taking for five years.

Good decision, says Kimberly Flemke, a therapist on staff with the Philadelphia-based Council for Relationships, a nonprofit relationship-counseling group.

“If you have a big secret, you want to have that trust established first so you know that the person is going to honor your privacy,” she says. “You can’t do that in a new relationship because you don’t know the other person yet.”

How soon is too soon?

Besides, waiting to reveal a potential deal breaker such as herpes or $300,000 in credit-card debt is just good dating decorum, says syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage, author of “The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family.”

“You don’t want someone to reveal too much at first because that itself is a deal breaker,” he says. “If somebody sits down on the first date and says, ‘I’m into spanking,’ even if you are into spanking, [too], you might react negatively to that.”

On the flip side, “withholding information like ‘I’m a cross-dresser’ till the wedding night” is bad form, he says. Once you’re seeing the person a few times a week and sleeping together, it’s time to come clean about any secrets that could affect the relationship.

Even then, Flemke says, there are no guarantees your secret will be met with open arms.

Jude Chosnyk, a 48-year-old technical writer from Seattle, can attest to this. Once she became sexually involved with her then-boyfriend, he revealed that he thought he was “a woman in a man’s body” and began wearing women’s underwear and stockings to bed.

“At first I thought it was a fantasy thing,” says Chosnyk, who didn’t mind a little role-playing. But then, “it kind of overtook the relationship, especially in the bedroom. It turned me off, and that’s why I broke up with him.”

Context is everything

When spilling the beans, giving your secret a bit of context can greatly help your case, Flemke says.

“Instead of dropping a bomb and watching the person sit there and absorb the information, say that if you didn’t see the relationship going somewhere, you wouldn’t have said anything,” she explains.

It’s perfectly acceptable to tell your partner you’re nervous about how your big reveal might impact the relationship, she adds. That way, your partner’s likely to have “a little more compassion and empathy.”

Caitlin Weaver, 29, is banking on this.

After breaking off her engagement to her fiancé and canceling the wedding earlier this year, Weaver, who runs a financial research institute in New York, started an anonymous blog about her newfound singledom.

“The idea was to chronicle my commitment to staying single for six months,” she says. “But the problem is that now I have started dating someone, and I’ve been blogging about him.”

Her solution? To stop blogging about her boyfriend (although she still blogs about other aspects of her life) and fess up that she did. “We weren’t serious when we started dating,” says Weaver, who has been with her beau a couple of months and hopes the back story — that she started her blog as a way to “process” how she feels about dating — will help soften the blow.

“I think the fact that I do want to tell him means that we’ve built up some trust,” she says. Now, “it’s just a question of if the blog is a big deal to him.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Falling in Love in a Foreign Language

by zfortadminin LOVE

From the very first flirtation, dating a Frenchman is different

Devoid of a wingman, he’ll approach and break out some rusty high school English to compare the color of your eyes to the sky, to the river, to a bird he saw, once. When I first met my French fiancé, eight years ago now, his English was wanting, and he resorted, instead, to identifying random items in the room—table, teeth, bottle, bag.

Bless him, it worked.

But before I met my fiancé, I discovered quite a few duds in the French dating pool. These were men whose egos have remained resolutely intact after years of being brushed off by French girls who aren’t afraid of saying no. I was horrified when I realized that my all-American technique of “letting him down easy” just seemed to make French men try harder. I learned early on how to say “no” like a French girl: decisively and without apology.

After the rare “yes,” though, I learned that old-fashioned dating is alive and well in France—there is very little hookup culture and definitely no “Netflix and chill.” In fact, more often than not, both the first and the second date with a Frenchman are surprisingly devoid of so much as a goodnight kiss, which forces people in expat circles into analysis: Was something lost in translation? Have I found my way into the friend zone?

But France has no friend zone to speak of; it’s just that three is the magic number. After date three, the bise—that ubiquitous European double-cheek kiss—is retired without ceremony. You are a couple now; there is no conversation to establish this. Attempts to have such a conversation—or accidental offerings of a cheek for the bise, due to habit—both cause French men to react as though you are insane.

French men say “Je t’aime” far too quickly for my taste. I am convinced it means something different to them, because I’ve had it said to me long before the concerned party knows how to spell my name, and far before I feel ready to say “I love you” back. When my fiancé whispered it to me just hours after our first kiss—or maybe even before—I said, “I like you too,” and I tried to pretend that the translation mishap eluded me. At least I never had to worry about saying it first.

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Why We Choose a Big Wedding When We Don’t Want One

by zfortadminin LOVE

Do you want to have a ginormous wedding, or have you seriously considered eloping just to avoid the chaos? Did you have the kind of wedding that you and your fiancé wanted, or did you cave to somebody else’s wishes? I always find it fascinating to learn why brides and grooms have chosen the kind of wedding they’re planning.

Although the wedding day is supposed to be about the couple formally expressing their love, and making a commitment to one another, all the things you can have and do for your wedding often eclipse the main point of the day. It can be overwhelming and not that much fun for the couple if the bride or groom doesn’t enjoy being the center of attention at a large gathering.

Most of the brides who moan and groan to me about how they didn’t want to have a big wedding will blame it on their parents. I only believe that up to a certain point – I think brides and grooms get sucked into a competitive spirit when all their other friends are getting married around them.

Dr. Jane Greer, relationship expert and author of “What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship” has some interesting insight to share on this topic. She says lots of couples cave under parental pressure.

“Sometimes they do it because their families have a certain social obligation and standing – perhaps they have a vast array of friends and want to include all of them,” Dr. Greer explains. “The wedding becomes an event for them and their social happening, as much as it is for the actual bride and groom. If they’re comfortable paying for it, they figure, what’s the big deal? They want a big wedding and they’ll pay.”

This underscores another theory I’ve had that many couples who say they don’t want a big wedding really mean they don’t want to PAY for a big wedding. But if somebody else is picking up the entire tab, they’re okay with it. It would seem selfish to me except their parents are getting what they wanted, and nobody’s upset about the outcome. It isn’t that they don’t want to be part of a big wedding, but they’re not willing to incur the expense.

Not everybody wants a small wedding, and those choosing to throw extravagant affairs have their own reasons as well. As I said before, weddings can inspire competition. Couples whose friend-group are all getting married, too, may feel additional pressure to throw the biggest and best party in their crowd.

There’s also peer-pressure, from friends who’ve already been brides, and from single friends who just want to help, but really think you MUST do this or that, or your wedding will be incomplete. Brides and grooms who plan their own weddings without input from the peanut gallery find themselves considerably less stressed than those who have put things to a vote. And the professionals agree with me.

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Keeping a Relationship Private: When and Why

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Here’s a reason why less is more when it comes to your relationship…

There was a time when relationships were sacred and served as a revered space where two people could find solace, trust, and support. Driven by a commitment to honor, love, and respect, sacred relationships require a few essential elements to maintain. At the top of the list was privacy.

People used to protect their relationship from the influence and opinions of the outside world. Times have changed.

In a society driven by cyber interactions, social media has quickly become a personal diary for many. A virtual container for our emotions, memories, and experiences, social media preserves the most precious moments of our lives. Valuable when used in moderation, the medium keeps us connected to our friends and loved ones. When abused, social media can be a stage for humiliation, exploitation, and shame.

One bad social media encounter can quickly show you that not everything needs to be shared with the World Wide Web. While social media is rapidly transforming into the primary communication source for this generation, the idea that what goes on inside of your home stays inside of your home is one rule that should still reign true, especially as it pertains to your love life.

Love is inspiring and it’s perfectly fine to share your admiration for your partner, but mindfulness is imperative. You don’t have to keep your relationship secret, but here’s why it’s important to maintain some privacy.

1) You open yourself up to the opinions of others.

How quickly we forget the lessons learned in childhood. Chances are if you grew up with African American parents, you were told to keep family business out of the streets. Our parents and grandparents knew the consequences of speaking too loosely about family affairs. By discussing your issues with outsiders, you open yourself up to the opinions of others.

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Advice: How to Relax into Sex

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

One of the best ways to help your girlfriend to feel more relaxed about sex may be to stop having it for a while.

Q. My girlfriend is self-conscious during sex. She seems unable to fully let go and really enjoy herself.

She’s in her early 30s and has had a few partners, so it’s not lack of experience.

How can I help her to feel more comfortable so that we can enjoy a good love life?

A. Although your girlfriend has had a few previous partners, they either didn’t notice, or weren’t willing to challenge this issue, so she is lucky to have found a partner who cares enough to try to help her let go.

There are a million and one reasons why your girlfriend might be finding it difficult to relax during sex.

Some women are worried about not being able to orgasm, others just can’t switch off their inner critic.

However, if she is very sensitive, there is a risk that she will interpret what you are saying as a criticism, so a conversation about it needs to be broached with great sensitivity.

You need to let her know gently that you can feel her discomfort and reassure her that your sole motivation is to help, not to humiliate.

Whatever the cause, one of the best ways to help your girlfriend to feel more relaxed about sex may be to stop having it for a while.

That might sound counterintuitive, but sex therapists commonly use a system called “sensate focus” to help couples with sexual difficulties to go back to basics and build trust and intimacy — essential for truly great sex.

Sensate focus is not useful for couples who are having relationship problems, or who are dealing with sexual dysfunction, but it can be a very enriching exercise for couples who want to become more sexually connected.

The idea is to create an environment where you and your girlfriend can learn how to receive and give pleasure to each other.

Sensate focus is intended to be an experience in itself, so it is not a prelude to “sex” or a form of foreplay.

The central tenet is non-sexual touching and, in the initial phase, all other contact is restricted.

Instead, you focus on creating and experiencing sensation by taking turns exploring each other bodies.

Because this is non-sexual, it is non-threatening and your girlfriend should be able to respond by telling you what tickles, what scratches and what feels really, really good.

It is important to separate this experience from sex because the more relaxed she feels with touching and being touched in this phase, the more likely she is to remain relaxed when you escalate to genital touching in phase two.

Although the entire exercise is focused on helping her to relax, phase two offers you the opportunity to explore sexual responses.

When you progress to genital touching, you will be able to see how, with stimulation, her body changes as she becomes aroused.

The skin on her chest and torso will become flushed — stimulating her nipples will magnify these sensations.

Keep it slow and gentle at first, and ask her to tell you what she likes and what she doesn’t like.

Every woman has a different sensory threshold.

When it is her turn, make sure to give her positive feedback to build her confidence.

When your girlfriend is comfortable with phase two, you can move on to penetrative sex, but let her dictate the pace and always include non-genital and genital touching beforehand.

This slows everything down and ensures that she is fully aroused before intercourse.

Even at this stage, the only ‘goal’ is intimacy and connection, but orgasm is permitted.

Although sensate focus can sound like a rather prescriptive remedy, it will give your girlfriend the opportunity to unravel negative sexual associations so that she can begin to associate sex with fun, not fear.

That’s the greatest gift you could possibly give her.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

20 Ways to LOVE

by zfortadminin LOVE

20 ways to love

How will you celebrate love this weekend!? This video was made to share some ideas…please watch it here. We believe it’s the little things that count, creative surprises, things unspoken. We’re excited to hear your unique ways of expressing love, please share in the comments below!!!

Curated by Erbe
Original Video

Retro Take Aways from Venus and Mars

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

 

mars and venus

This video highlights the important differences in men and women communication styles which create problems in relationships. The presentation summarizes these differences and mistakes men and women make when it comes to relationships or dating. You will also learn what to do and what not to do to improve your existing relationship or successfully start a new one avoiding mistakes which sometimes can be to late to correct!

Do These Folks Know How to Kiss?

by zfortadminin Sex

How to kiss right… and how to avoid the mistakes of kissing the wrong way!

Good Looking Couple Kissing At The Beach

Kissing is one of the most sensual and enjoyable things that two humans can share. Learning how to kiss right can make your relationships more passionate, more sensual, and a lot more fun.

In this video, learn what men and women say is the “wrong way” to kiss, and then learn how to kiss right!

Curated by Erbe
Original Video