Author: zfortadmin

Relieving a Solo Pleasure Pattern

by zfortadminin Sex

Are struggling with orgasms or are you in a sex rut?

Dear Athena,

I’ve always masturbated in the same position (even as a young girl). I’ve tried getting a vibrator, masturbating in other positions, using running water and soliciting advice from my women friends. Nothing gets me off the way my hands in that one position do. Problem is, I have only come half a dozen times since I’ve been sexually active. I’m afraid that my one-position masturbation has affected my ability to experience pleasure in other positions, with other methods of stimulation, etc. I’ve tried approximating it during sex, but it’s not the same. How would you suggest I get out of this self-created rut?

Signed,

Masturbation Rut

Dear M.R.,

In this advice business, I’ve heard from a great many folks who struggle to find their orgasm. Believe it or not, you’re one of the lucky ones! This conundrum has two sides: On the one hand (pun intended), you’ve learned to manually get down with your bad self, with stellar results. On the other hand, you can’t get psyched about it. Big-time bummer. Let’s get some perspective on this.

First, reaching orgasm is spectacular, but it isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex. Sex is about intimacy and connection, pleasure and discovery — the process more than the product, you see. The more you obsess over achieving an orgasm, the less likely it is to happen. And it’s not as much fun! So stop worrying about how you’re going to get there, and enjoy the journey.

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What Matters to these Couples and Why We Should Care

by zfortadminin LOVE

Love is love.

Interracial relationships are beautiful.

This country didn’t always think so, however, since it wasn’t until less than 50 years ago that it became legal for mixed race couples to marry.

On June 12, 1967, the Supreme Court struck down state laws which banned individuals of different races from marrying in the Loving v. Virginia decision. Sunday marks the 48th annual celebration of this progressive milestone, aptly named “Loving Day.”

“I see Richard and Mildred Loving as strong yet soft-spoken heroes for me, my family, and generations to come,” Loving Day founder Ken Tanable wrote of the couple who helped make this decision possible. “They simply loved each other and wanted equality for all. This basic notion of celebrating love continues to be just as important today. I strongly encourage everyone to learn more about them and the gift they left us. Through knowledge, shared stories, and support, we can build a community that believes love is love.”

To celebrate Loving Day, HuffPost Black Voices asked its readers who are in interracial marriages and relationships to share their love with us. We received 30 responses from couples echoing Tanable’s sentiments and telling why their love matters. Their love for each other is absolutely heart warming.

Check out these wonderful couples below and if you’re in an interracial relationship, tell us why your love matters in the comments sections below.

TaRaea and Bryan

“My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and together for almost 9 years. Both of our parents are in interracial marriages that have lasted 30+ years.Our parents embodied the freedom to love someone based on who they are, regardless of their skin color. We are immensely thankful for Mr. & Mrs. Loving for fighting for the basic human right of marring whomever you want.” – TaRaea Todtenhoefer

Keosha and Jonathan

“Our interracial relationship matters because love isn’t simple but family is. We are getting married in August of this year, and it each day I see the strength in our love and our family. I have no need to prove our love to people who assume we are not together because the idea of a black woman and a white man being in love is beyond their reality, and quite frankly, confuses them. I cannot stop people who see me holding his son’s (now my son’s) hand in the street from assuming that I am the nanny. Not seeing our love makes things complicated and fuels an ignorance that has plagued our society for generations. I realized that I cannot fix those thoughts in people. I can just love my family. Yes, I am Black and he is White but more importantly, he is the man that loves me. And just as important, I love him.” – Keosha Bond and Jonathan Shank

Franklyn and Niki

“My relationship with my girlfriend Niki matters to me because I can freely love someone who makes me a better person and keeps me happy. She understands that being with me will be a challenge, especially in a world where some people think interracial couples are to be looked down upon. One of the most important things about my relationship is that she loves me being unapologetically Black. 

The amount of love I feel isn’t quantifiable. I’ve been with Niki for less than a year, and we’re already having our first child, but I feel so connected to her in multiple ways. Knowing that less than fifty years ago, she and I could have never been together is a daunting thought. When loving someone becomes a crime, upheld by white supremacy, I think of how fortunate I am to have someone like her.” – Franklyn Brown

David and Karl

“My relationship with my partner, Karl, matters most of all because we support each other, bring joy to each other, and help challenge each other to become our best selves.

But in doing that, we daily commit “personal as political” acts that we believe have an impact, however subtle, on how others perceive both race and sexual orientation.  As an interracial couple, we demonstrate that individuals of different races have more in common than not. This is particularly important in the gay community where race continues to be a polarizing factor in the pursuit of sexual and romantic interactions.  In the hetero-normative world, our presence has a double impact, helping to break down pre-conceived notions regarding racial divisions as well as challenging others regarding how they view same-sex relationships.A recent event serves as an illustration: we attended Karl’s 25th college reunion at Colgate University in early June.  By publicly identifying and acting as a loving couple in a mostly white and heterosexual environment, our presence required his classmates, other attendees, and their families to acknowledge our legitimacy as a gay couple and as an interracial couple.  As we also attended several events for Alumni of Color, we served a similar purpose in those social situations.” – David Pasteelnick

Jasmine and Roope

“My wonderful partner, Roope, was living 4000 miles away in Finland when we met during his first visit to New York City in 2014. We fell in love deeply and quickly soon after that. Our interracial relationship matters because we can live, laugh, and love out in the open and free of ridicule, which is a privilege that I know many still do not have even in 2016. We have both learned a lot about each other’s cultures and how different life is when you’re both a different race and nationality in America. Our relationship has opened both our minds to each other’s worlds and, I think, we’ve become better people because of it.“ – Jasmine Bayron

Sharon and Vincent

“Love transcends racial and cultural differences.  Although we come from very different backgrounds, the two of us share important values.  The silk screen in the background of our wedding picture says it all, ‘One Race-Human-One Love.’” – Sharon Dole

Chima and Laura

“Since youth, I was told that I was only allowed to marry a girl of my own race. I was warned that straying away from my dark brown skin was unethical, and unacceptable. I was informed that a relationship outside of my melanin could never work. Until I met my Laura. She was the first person to ever disprove the warnings I had been given, and helped me realize that I can truly spend my life with someone despite our differences in pigmentation. My relationship matters, because in Laura, I found a best friend, a lover, and a soon to be wife. None of this would have been possible without Loving v. Virginia.” – Chima Odinkemere

Tre and Jamie

“We are not a couple because of, or in spite of, our race or ethnicity. We are with each other because of the individuals we are and the love we share. Race and culture play a big part in our identity and life, but what makes us appreciate one another is how we as individuals integrate our experiences, think about things, and react to situations. We both believe that our relationship is more interesting than any previous, and part of the reason is our differing races. We have learned a lot about diversity from one another. While we have learned more about the cultures each one of us is from, we have also found that our relationship has made us more understanding of how individuals from all different cultures vary in amazing ways. Noticing differences in race and ethnicity does not make us think that people should be separated by their skin tone, but rather, it makes us realize that we should all come together because we have so much to learn from one another. (And we have so much different, delicious food to share among cultures!) We choose to share what we have learned from our interracial relationship with family, friends, and classmates in the hopes of spreading, understanding and promoting acceptance of diversity. The two of us have been open and honest about race and its impacts on our relationship and society as a whole from the beginning and we will continue to do so, even if the conversations get tough. All in all, we know that we are in an awesome relationship and we wouldn’t trade it for anything.” – Jamie Bergmiller

Susanna and Nikia

“My interracial relationship matters because I want our future children to look at us and experience freedom, on so many levels. When kids can see the future of the world in front of them, a reality that has overcome (but continues to fight) racism, homophobia and sexism, then we start to see real change in our lifetime. I want them to live in and celebrate that freedom.” – Susanna Speed

Darrell and Keia

“My interracial relationship matters because it shows what love really is. Two people being brought together to share their life. Skin tone should not be deal breaker for anyone. Loving a person’s heart, mind, and spirit is what’s important. Looks will fade but knowing you are with someone that is your partner in life (and sometimes crime lol) is what matters when my boobs drop and his six pack fades, we will be sitting on the porch talking crazy to another. #loveislove” – Keia Foster

April and Parker

“This is my boyfriend Parker and I. We met as campus counselors in Oklahoma. We met from his sister introducing us and we hit it off right before sophomore year of college! We found out we both went to the same college and from there it was chemistry! I love him so much and wouldn’t change a thing. We have been together for almost two years. Our interracial relationship matters because we love each other beyond our skin color and our cultures. We have to fight everyday basic prejudice from others, but we know we want to have a life together one day.Our families were initially hesitant but are both behind us. We do plan to marry soon. Our relationship matters for other people like us who want to love in the open without being banned from their families and they just want to love who they want freely. #LovingDay” – April Garrett

Olivia and Matt

“There are so many reasons why he is my person, but one reason he’s special is because he is so incredibly woke. I’ve never met a white man that tries so hard to be in tune with the black American experience. He’s been raising his adopted 17 year old African-American brother for the past 5 years since his mom passed. From watching (and re-watching) “Lemonade” or “Girlhood” to attending panels with Janet Mock and Angelica Ross or discussing the PBS Black Panthers documentary, he’s such a gem! I was so nervous to show him my natural hair, but on this day, he said he wanted to get “crown crunk.” It’s not the most flattering picture of us, but I love it. And him ✨” – Olivia Morris

Adia and Benjamin

“My relationship matters because it’s rooted in our shared faith in God and deep respect for who were are as individuals. Our relationship has helped bridge the gap on a small scale; of cultural divides in our social circles. This is my first inter-racial relationship and his and we’ve learned there are differences, but not as many as we both originally believed. Loving Ben is like home to me, a home that has no color or limitations.” – Adia Hamer

Nora and Todd

“Our interracial relationship matters because we prove to the world everyday that love has and should have no boundaries. We have been together for 25 years and have 3 amazing children. We have experienced our share of racism and bigotry from all sides but we remain and will remain steadfast in our conviction that love sees no color, and despite hardships our love is stronger and our bond is unbreakable.“ – Nora Johnson

Altheria and Francisco

“Francisco is as proud of his Mexicanness as I am of my Blackness! Instead of pretending to be blind to our differences, we acknowledge our cultural backgrounds as they have helped shaped us into the individuals we each love and admire. Our distinct cultural traditions make our lives rich and vibrant! We watch Mexican soccer and we watch U.S. football. We celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King and we celebrate Cesar Chavez. We eat tortillas and we eat cornbread. We listen to Maná and we listen to Beyoncé. We speak English, and we speak Spanish.

As individuals of color, we have a shared consciousness of how colonialism and racism and nativism and capitalism continually work together to oppress our folk. Our relationship matters for many reasons, but perhaps most importantly because we are a symbol of resistance. We resist those who want to define interracial love as deviant. Our union is not miscegenation. There is nothing “mis” or “bad” about it. Instead, it is a striking amalgamation of all the richness that our cultures means to us. Our relationship matters because we choose to live and love in a society that is intent and strategic in positioning Mexicans and Blacks at odds with each other. We resist this positioning. Through our friends and family, we are purposeful in bringing members of both ethnicities together. We were married on March 28 last year in Guadalajara, Mexico. Since our first date in 2012, we have visited more than ten countries together, our mere presence attesting to our right to choose the partner who makes our hearts sing and to the beauty of Blexican love!” – Altheria Caldera

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Up Your Intimacy Game in Your Relationship

by zfortadminin Sex

I’m not going to lie: I often walk down the street and stare at hot power couples in envy, thinking “Boy, I bet they have so much good sex.”

Sure, that might be a little weird and voyeuristic of me, but who doesn’t wonder about the sex lives of others (even perfect strangers)? It’s natural to be curious, and it makes total sense to want to emulate the habits of couples who have lots of sex.

The sad truth about long-term relationships is that, whether you’ve been dating for five months or five years, you can fall into a sexual rut (sometimes more than once). Issues like mismatched libidos, high stress levels, poor communication — all these things can keep you from having the healthy, awesome sex life you deserve. Only by being proactive and making changes to your routine — both individually and as a couple — can you see results.

I spoke to Lauren Brim, a sexual wellness coach and author of The New Rules of Sex, to find out how you and your partner can have the most satisfying (and frequent) sex. After all, sex is vital to relationships.

“Sex is often seen as something we outgrow or can easily go without, but sexuality and intimacy are an expression of our life force, creativity and love, and must be expressed to be fully realized as a people,” Brim tells Bustle. “If our sexuality isn’t being expressed, it will show up as problems in other areas of our body and life. Plus, sex is just too damn good for you to live your life without it!”

Preach, sister. If you’ve fallen off the sex wagon and are looking to get back on track in the bedroom, here are nine habits for you and your SO to adopt ASAP.

1. They Flirt Often

“The most important thing to keep your sex life healthy in a relationship is to keep the sexual energy simmering in-between the act,” Brim says. “This could be commenting when your partner looks extra hot, gently slapping, squeezing or pinching them when you pass them in the kitchen or raising your eyebrows in an ooh-la-la [way] when you see them undressing to jump in the shower. Noticing your partner’s attractiveness will make them feel desired and keep you both wanting each other in bed.”

2. They Communicate Well

I can’t possibly quantify how many times I’ve said that communication is key for healthy relationships (both in and out of the bedroom). Couples who can talk about their emotional issues as well as their sexual wants and needs are more likely to get it on more often, because they know exactly what to do to please their partner.

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Liberate Yourself from Jealousy… Here’s How

by zfortadminin Mind

How to break free from jealous feelings.

Jealousy is a killer. Relationships end because of jealous conflicts and people kill other people because they are jealous.

Imagine this. You are at a party and someone is friendly and you smile. Your partner thinks that you are betraying her. Or your partner tells you a funny story about a former lover and you feel threatened. You feel the anger and the anxiety rising inside you and you don’t know what to do.

Susan could identify with this. She would glare at her partner, trying to send him a “message” that she was really annoyed and hurt. She hoped he would get the message. At times she would withdraw into pouting, hoping to punish him for showing an interest in someone else. But it didn’t work. He just felt confused.

At other times Susan would ask him if she still found her attractive. Was he getting bored with her? Was she his type? At first, he would reassure her, but then—with repeated demands for her for more reassurance—he began to wonder why she felt so insecure. Maybe she wasn’t the right one for him.

And when things got more difficult for Susan, she would yell at him, “Why don’t you go home with her? It’s obvious you want to!”

These kinds of jealous conflicts can end a relationship.

But, if you are jealous, does this mean that there is something terribly wrong with you?

My colleague, Dennis Tirch, and I just published a paper on jealousy—and how to handle it. Click here to get a copy of the article that appeared in the International Journal of Cognitive Therapy. We describe a step-by-step approach to helping people cope with their jealousy.

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Standing Up for Yourself in Your Family

by zfortadminin LOVE

How do we break a pattern that causes distress and frustration and develop a style of relating…

Matt [not his real name] was trembling with rage. Once again, his father had humiliated him in front of the entire staff. Matt had proposed a carefully thought-out recommendation for a new project, and his father had dismissed his suggestion without giving him the opportunity to fully explain his ideas.

Matt had joined the family business eight years ago right after graduating college. He knew going in that his father could be overbearing and liked to be in control, but he never envisioned he would feel so unhappy and demeaned.

The problem was that Matt had trouble speaking up in a way that proved to be effective. He would either explode unreasonably, openly sulk or stew in silence. What he had previously considered to be a fairly good relationship with his father had now deteriorated to a superficial, often sarcastic, interaction. There were times he became so frustrated he had considered quitting but had always stopped himself because he knew it would be foolhardy when he had a family to support. Something had to change.

Matt’s struggle is not an uncommon one in families, whether family members work with each other or just face the day to day challenges that come up. Finding the “voice” to speak calmly and clearly to another person at difficult times is a challenge that does not come easily for most people. Invariably, when we are uncomfortable or in disagreement, we react in predictable ways, often “pushing each other’s buttons” and losing the ability to come to reasonable resolutions. We may say nothing, but let our disgruntlement show in other ways. We may avoid the other person and totally hold our feelings in. We may let them know indirectly that we’re upset, by our tone of voice or hurt demeanor. Or we may explode so inappropriately that those around us dismiss us as irrational and don’t take us seriously.

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How to Reenergize Foreplay

by zfortadminin Sex

One of the secrets to a more satisfying sex life is by mastering more enjoyable foreplay.

And while we here at LELO treat foreplay as serious business (because it’s our business after all – and business is good), having even more fun before you get frisky is a great way to connect with your partner; so take it from us, and you’ll be a foreplay pro in no time!
But first…

Why is Foreplay Important?

Here’s the thing; while a guy can take just 3 minutes to orgasm during sex, we ladies need a little more time and TLC to get us to climax. The orgasmic plateau – where climax is imminent – takes most women more than double the time it takes for men, so the added intimacy of a little foreplay can go a long way to your complete intimate enjoyment.
With that in mind, we’ll begin by looking at how we can extend foreplay to where you’re ready to enjoy a satisfying climax, and making him absolutely ravenous to get to the main event.

Foreplay Tip #1: Start Early

Send him a sultry sext message to start off his day thinking about what you’ll be doing to him at the end of it. After he’s arrived at work – please don’t encourage texting and driving – receiving a message from you saying something along the lines of ‘I can’t wait for you to come back tonight so I can rock your world!’ will have his mind racing until it’s time to punch out.
Having trouble thinking of the right words to send to your partner in sexual crime? Check out our list of tried and tested Best Example Sexts to get your creative juices flowing.

Foreplay Tip #2: Positive Reinforcement

When you’re in the middle of foreplay, use the power of communication and tell him what it is you like and how you enjoy being touched. For example, whisper that you ‘love being touched here’ and then guide his hand to wherever that may be for you. Knowing that he’s doing something right will make him want to keep doing it for the sole reason that he knows you like it – simple, right?

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What Spots May Inspire You to Get Down and Get Sexy

by zfortadminin Sex

Don’t knock ’em til you try ’em

You know that recurring sex dream you have about getting it on under the stars with your partner (or, you know, Ryan Gosling)? Well we think you should totally make that a reality—the outdoors part that is. And we’re not the only ones. Expanding your sexual experiences by having sex outside the bedroom can bring you closer to your partner, teach you about what turns you on, and help you feel sexually empowered, says sex and relationship expert Emily Morse, Ph.D., co-founder of Emily & Tony.

Changing locations removes you from things in your home that stress you out and gets your adrenaline pumping, which helps you get even more aroused than usual, says Morse. And get this: Sharing feelings of excitement can help couples get connected during the experience and after. “If you have these cool experiences together, you can pull from those memories when you’re having sex at home and channel that excitement,” she says.

One thing to keep in mind: Getting it on in a new location is more about having a new thrilling experience than trying to achieve a mind-blowing orgasm, says Morse. The fact is, some women could struggle to reach the big O because they might not be focused or they are limited in the kinds of positions they can do. But don’t let that stop you. It’s definitely possible to have great sex without an orgasm, and the experience will be totally worth it. Here, 11 places you should put on your sex bucket list.

Your Backyard

Morse says getting busy in your backyard is a great way to get all the benefits of having sex outdoors and away from home—without having to worry that you’ll get caught. Plus, you can always pitch a tent so your guy can, um, pitch a tent in private.

On the Couch

Maybe you’ve covered this base already, but did you know that the living room staple could actually help you orgasm? Morse says that stacking up the cushions under your lower back makes it more likely that you’ll reach an orgasm. Or you could lean over the side for an awesome twist on the usual doggy style.

At a Hotel

“Hotel sex is amazing because there isn’t any clean up. You can just check in and it can be all about sex,” says Morse. She suggests getting out of your comfort zone by doing some role-playing (you’re now officially two hot strangers on vacation). If you’re looking for something a little wilder, Morse also says that sex on a private hotel balcony is super hot—you know, if it’s actually private. “No one knows you, it’s dark, you can look over the city, and you’re still close to your room.”

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What to Do When You Want an Honorable Man and You Are With Someone that Keeps You In The Gray

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Remember that song, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” by Aretha Franklin in the 60’s? Well, it’s about time you got some. A man will respect you when you respect yourself. If he doesn’t, you shouldn’t be dating him. Period. 

As a married man standing on the side lines, I must say you single ladies have got to put up better boundaries in your dating relationships! Think: fences, walls, lines in the sand, and some firm non-negotiables. Some of you may even need to put some barbed wire and shards of glass on top of those walls if you know what I mean…

Yes, relationships are two-way streets. Yes, I understand that you want to be loved. But don’t you want to be loved by an honorable man and not a jackass? If you recognize you’re in a lawless, renegade relationship that is going nowhere, it might be time to get some better boundaries, and quick. But first, here are a few clarifying points about boundaries:

1. Setting a boundary is not making a threat

Setting a boundary is not making a threat – it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat you in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other person disrespecting your wishes. Setting a boundary shows that you respect yourself. Which is a critical piece of communication in the first 3 months of dating.

2. Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control

Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person – although some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you of that – just as some will interpret it as a threat. Setting a boundary is part of the process to define what is acceptable to you. It is a major step in taking control of how you allow others to treat you. It is a vital responsibility to yourself and your life.

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Don’t Filter This Out of Your Dating Profile

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

When I was online dating, I filtered single dads out of my searches. There was no way I’d ever get involved with a man who had that kind of baggage. Who needed to date someone with an ex and children in the mix, since dating was already complicated enough?

Then at a party, I met a man who took me by surprise. He was warm, kind, funny — so different from the jerks I’d been dating. Sparks flew. The chemistry was there. I felt hopeful again that maybe this time (after more bad dates than I cared to count), things would work.

On our first date, during a hike up a steep canyon trail, he told me that he was a father. He had two girls, ages nine and 15. I won’t lie. My heart sank in that moment.

I wasn’t opposed to having kids of my own — in fact, I wanted them. But taking care of someone else’s kids who might not want me around? Who were just old enough to form their own opinions about Dad’s new girlfriend? Who might think I was out to replace their mother? That was a whole new level of stress I didn’t know how to prepare for. I trudged up the rest of that mountain, taking in this daunting new piece of information.

But I really liked him. I couldn’t just let him go after one date. So I decided to confront my fears and simply date him and see how things progressed. Why not just enjoy it while it lasts? I reassured myself.

Cut to now, five years later. We are married, and I can say that those first several months of being together and getting to know his children was a tough, but truly valuable learning experience. My greatest fear that my stepdaughters would hate me never came to pass. In fact, they both liked me right away. They made loving toasts to me and my husband at our wedding. In so many respects, I feel lucky, blessed, though it hasn’t always been easy.

Here’s what I’ve learned about dating a man with kids: No relationship comes without risks or baggage for that matter. I would have missed out on a life-changing relationship if I made his single dad status a deal-breaker before I got to know him. And the most surprising part for me? Being in a relationship with a man who has taken on raising kids makes my life that much richer and rewarding, mostly in unexpected ways.

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Inheritance? Who Is and Isn’t Talking About It With Their Partner.

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

A survey also found that more than half admitted to not openly discussing their finances with their loved ones.

Nearly one in two people keep an inheritance secret from their partner, according to a new survey.

The poll quizzed 1,000 couples from around the UK about whether they were ‘completely honest’ with each other about their savings and debts .

The survey found that 57 per cent of those polled admitted not openly discussing their finances with their loved one.

Amazingly, the survey, for pensions advice specialist Portafina, also found that just over 40 per cent – almost one in two – admitted not telling their partner about a windfall from an inheritance.

A total of 43 per cent of those quizzed also failed to tell their loved one about all the debts they owed.

One in 10 even said they had ‘intentionally gone out of their way’ to hide their assets or debts from their loved one.

More than half of those polled said they don’t openly discuss finances with their partner

The poll found that 92 per cent of those quizzed admitted not ‘taking steps’ to protect themselves financially – such as opening a separate savings account – just in case their relationship hit the rocks.

The main reasons given for financial secrecy were that they had lost out financially after a break-up with a former partner, and also ‘feeling uncomfortable’ discussing cash, especially if one partner earned considerably more than the other.

Top of the secretive list were people from Birmingham, with just under 55 per cent confessing to keeping their financial affairs ‘top secret’.

This was closely followed by Liverpudlians, with 51 per cent, and people from Leeds and Glasgow came in joint 3rd place, with 50 per cent saying they didn’t share financial information with partners.

Couples in the Republic of Ireland were the most honest about their finances, with only 40 per cent keeping their finances secret.

secretive couples

The poll also found that 35 per cent didn’t like discussing pensions with their partner – and 30 per cent said they even kept a health problem secret from their loved one.

Jamie Smith-Thompson, managing director at Portafina, said: “It’s not unusual for friends or colleagues to talk about money when things get tight before payday, but we wanted to know just how far these conversations go and how much we share.

“We were surprised to find that over half of those in relationships don’t discuss details such as salary, debts and savings with their partner, with debts being at the bottom of the sharing list.

“While some people see this as a way of protecting themselves in the future, the benefits of sharing important financial details and knowing about potential pressure points – such as debts or changes to retirement planning – should not be underestimated.

“More openness and communication in relationships can really help people create the future lifestyle they want.”

Curated by Timothy
Original Article

“It’s Over!” Really?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“It’s over,” Lois, a defeated-looking woman, said to her husband as they sat in my psychotherapy office. She was more angry than sad. Tim was crestfallen.

At the moment of Lois’ definitive pronouncement a subversive doubt bubbled up in my mind. “I think there are two kinds of ‘It’s over,’ I said. “In the first, it is over—one or both people have given up on the relationship and it is not salvageable. All bridges to reconciliation have been burned and hopelessness sabotages any wish to preserve the relationship.”

Tim looked even more devastated.

“But there’s a second kind of ‘It’s over,’ “ I continued.

“It’s not really over, and the person who says it is doesn’t want it to be, but he or she is so afraid of getting burned again that hopelessness protects against additional suffering.”

Lois gently nodded her head.

“Which is it?” Tim asked.

“The second,” she said.

Declaring that the relationship is over serves various functions. Sometimes it means just what it says—the relationship cannot be resuscitated and it really is over.

At other times, a relationship that seems past salvation can and should be saved.
Here, the seemingly fatalistic declaration “it’s over” can be a self-protective strategy that shields a spouse against re-injury and pain and lessens the likelihood of shock and devastation. It also hides the deeper connection between the couple that still exists beneath the hurt and fear and hinders the pessimistic partner from trying to salvage the relationship. Once you realize this, it can restore unexpected hope.

At first Lois and Tim had little reason for optimism. They had slowly grown apart over twenty years because they each focused more on work and parenting than on each other. We examined what brought them together, what they originally shared, where they were struggling now.

I encouraged them to work on four levels:
o Self-care
o Pulling “weeds”
o Accessing shared meaning
o Dreaming together about a better future

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How to Enhance, Enjoy and Better an Orgasm

by zfortadminin Sex

Just can’t seem to quite get there? Or would you like your big moment to be even bigger?

We’ve got the dish from sex experts on how you can have your best orgasm yet.

Hit the hot spots

A friction position may help you have an orgasm during intercourse. Get on top, for example, so the top of your clitoris is rubbing directly on your partner’s pubic bone. Or lay on your back with a pillow underneath your butt.

You may even want to try using a vibrator during intercourse, says Laura Berman, PhD, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and OB-GYN at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University.

Talk the talk

“Men really want direction,” Berman says. Let your partner know when he’s on the right track, either by telling him what feels great or by moaning.

Learn on your own

You can’t talk the talk if you don’t know what turns you on. “To train your body to be orgasmic, you have to masturbate,” says Danielle Cavallucci, a sex coach with sex information company Sexuality Source.

Exercise your orgasm muscles

“Kegels are the classic exercise for women who want to transform feeble orgasms into fabulous ones,” sex educator Dorian Solot says. Locate these muscles in your pelvic floor by stopping yourself from peeing midstream. Then tone them by clenching when you’re not peeing. Do Kegels every day, ideally a few times a day. And keep breathing while you squeeze.

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When You are Hurting from Breaking Up…Don’t Do This!

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

It’s happening again. You put yourself out there, you fell for the guy, and now you’re sitting in his truck while he’s saying stuff like “I know I’m being selfish,” and “I just don’t want to hurt you anymore,” and, my personal favorite, “I’m really going to miss you.” What’s a girl supposed to do? Most of the time, we just sit there not knowing how to react. We either start crying profusely or get ridiculously angry, or both (both is fun), but mostly, we just think “Now what?” It’s the end of yet another sad love story, and different people handle breakup survival in different ways, but really, here’s what you shouldn’t do right after he says “it’s over”:

1. Don’t pretend to be okay

You’re hurting, and it’s crazy to think that, unless you’re some kind of cold-hearted siren or unless you didn’t really like him that much, you aren’t going to be in a little bit of pain for a while. It sucks to be broken up with. It’s rejection at its finest form, and it takes time to accept what has happened. Take a few days to recuperate. If that means shoving your face into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, do it. You have the freedom to take time to find your cool again.

2. Don’t go out that night

We all have those friends who say “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. He’s dumb. Let’s go out and get drunk tonight, it will make you feel better.” WRONG. Wrong wrong wrong. Alcohol is a depressant, so after you’ve downed three doubles and are staring at your phone while your buzz kicks in, you’re going to want to call him and either A. beg for him back or B. yell at him until you start crying again.

You could also be that girl who drunkenly flirts and dances all over everything with a penis right after a breakup just to fill the rejection bullet hole you’ve just experienced. Don’t be that girl. You might do something you’ll regret. Which leads me to…

3. Don’t get a Tinder right away

I know it seems like the best way to get over a breakup is to find someone new, but I can tell you from personal experience that that is not always the best route. Chances are, you are not ready to jump into bed, let alone into a relationship, with another guy for a while. You need to take the time to sort your wits, don’t be the serial rebound girl. Tinder is fun once it has been a few weeks, and you’ve had time to be emotional. Don’t do it because you’re alone and needy, do it because you’re confident and you’re ready to move on.

4. Don’t wait to get your things

Speaking of moving on, let’s also move out. You shouldn’t wait to get your stuff from his place. It’s just prolonging the inevitable moment when you will have to see him again and go through the emotional roller coaster that is exchanging and dividing your things. Do it all in one swoop; that way, although you might be in some serious emotional pain after it’s all over, you won’t have to relive everything after you have somewhat gotten over it. It’s like picking a scab after a few days. Yes, keep that mental image because that’s how horrible it will be.

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What Hook Up Culture is Doing to Your Emotional Life

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

When I headed off to university back in the Stone Age, girls were still afraid of being called sluts. By the time I graduated, there was a worse label – “unliberated.” It applied to girls who didn’t have sex. And no one wanted to be that.

Sexual liberation – the idea that women are entitled to the same sexual agency and opportunities as men – is at the heart of feminism. It’s great in theory. But for young women, it can be a disaster.

On many campuses today, hookup culture is the norm – especially for women who identify as feminists. Hookup culture decouples sex from commitment. It is thought to be practical as well as fun. It allows women to pursue their own interests and academic careers without the time-consuming burden of messy emotional entanglements.

There’s just one problem. It makes them utterly miserable.

“The truth is that, for many women, there’s nothing liberating about emotionless, non-committal sex,” writes Leah Fessler, who should know. As a student at Middlebury College, an elite liberal-arts school in Vermont, she was like a lot of high-achieving girls – cheery and successful on the outside, an emotional mess within. When she did some research, she discovered that her feelings were virtually universal among the campus women, and also shared by many men.

Ms. Fessler’s unsparing description of the sex lives of young feminists (Most Women Don’t Enjoy Hookup Culture, published in Quartz) is bleak. In hookup culture, commitment is seen as not only unnecessary but uncool. You can sleep with a guy for months, but God forbid you should be seen having lunch together. “Per unspoken social code, neither party is permitted emotional involvement, commitment, or vulnerability,” she writes. Young women are expected to ask for sex. But the one thing they can’t ask for is intimacy.

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Why to be Selfish in Your Marriage

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

A couple sat on my couch the other day telling me how bland and stale their marriage had become. Neither of them could understand how their marriage had gotten this way. They both talked about how in love they were at the beginning of their marriage and how they would do so many different and fun things together. Lately, though, things were just … boring. Even their sex life had become passionless.

As we talked more in depth, they felt like they were doing everything right. They were doing a date night whenever they would get a free night together; they spent lots of time together as a family going to the kids’ plays, soccer games, etc.; and they both still enjoyed making love with each other (though, they admitted it didn’t happen as often or as enthusiastically as they’d like). Things were going well. They couldn’t understand why things didn’t feel like they were going so great, though.

Sound familiar?

This couple isn’t any more uncommon than most couples that sit on my couch for marriage counseling. In fact, this couple isn’t more uncommon than most of my friends, either. Even my wife and I sound like this sometimes.

But, the truth is, the reason their relationship had become bland and boring was because they weren’t doing things for themselves anymore. While they talked about doing things together as a family and even things together as a couple, they didn’t say anything about stuff they liked to do individually for themselves. Any hobbies, interests or pastimes they liked to do for themselves had completely stopped.
Yes, you may have children and a spouse now, and your priorities have had to change. But when you stop doing things you love for the sake of your marriage, you’re going to see problems in your marriage.

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