Author: Kelley Lynn

“Dancing With the Stars” The Love Meter Review from LOVE TV – Week Two

by Kelley Lynnin RELATIONSHIPS

Here is the break down of the couple’s chemistry or lack thereof and who gave us fever this week…

So, last week, we here at LOVE TV began a fun new new venture – rating the chemistry of each pair of dancers on the hit show: “Dancing With the Stars”, in our weekly “Love Meter Review.” Tom Bergeron, TV’s wittiest host, was kind enough to share our first piece on his Twitter page (a “retweet.”) The idea is simple: While the judges panel is busy giving their scores on and judging the dancing and technique, we use our own very special and scientific method (I made it up) to determine the chemistry or lack thereof, from week to week, of each couple. Now, as the stress gets higher in the competition, or as relationships grow and change between pairs, their chemistry can also change. We also have a cast filled with some pretty colorful personalities this season, so things could get interesting. Last week, since it was the premiere episode, nobody was eliminated. This week, the first elimination took place, which I will reveal at the end of the article who went home (I don’t think anyone is really surprised here by who it was.) So, let us begin!

NANCY AND ARTEM- *Code Red

They did a Latin dance, and as much as Artem tries to build up Kerrigan’s ego, it is fragile from her many days as an Olympian, listening to the harsh critiques of Russian judges screaming at her. Seriously, when Artem tried to simply compliment Nancy during rehearsal footage, she had a breakdown and ran away crying, saying: “He’s saying nice things to me! I cant handle this right now!” Seriously, what the hell do these Olympic coaches and judges do to these athletes psyche? Artem is trying, but Nancy seems fearful of the words “good job.” She practically runs out of the room screaming. Their dance was pleasant and sweet. Len said: “you lost a bit of control, like my bladder.” Carrie Ann said that Nancy found herself out there.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: Well, I would give them a high number, but that might send Kerrigan screaming out of Hollywood and back to her safe space, so let’s go with “CODE RED TRAUMA ALERT” for this week.

ERIKA AND GLEB- *Glitter

They did the Foxtrot, and during rehearsals, things seemed a tad odd when he said to cameras: “I like her”, and she said back: “I don’t need you to like me. I need you to make me look good.” He did just that, and their dance was really nice, but I still feel a plastic-like quality to their relationship and bond. Something about it seems a bit superficial. Bruno said the dance was “a sex-trot!”, which I guess means that it was sexy. Len called it a “Beverly Hills Foxtrot”, which I guess means it was glamorous. I still think Gleb is a interesting name, but who cares, when you look like THAT!

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: “GLITTER.” Very shiny. Very pretty. Falls apart easily.

CHARO AND KEO-*Hurricane

This woman is a trip. She HAS to be in her late 70’s if not older. Can someone pleaase find out for me? I dont think its on record anywhere, her age. But those legs and those breasts and those hips, wow! And then she opens her mouth to speak, and it’s like: “what on earth is this woman saying?” Nobody knows. Even Bruno is confused, and he is the KING of nonsense sentences. They did the Paso Doble, and Charo said its a very personal dance for her, and speaks to her passion for Spain and tells the story of her life. When she and Keo speak, its as if they are on two different planets entirely. Also, she is out of control. She screams into the microphone, grabs it from Bergeron, and tries to flee the show, during the show!!! For real. Erin Andrews was interviewing her backstage, and she started running away to go back out onto the dance floor area. Keo had to literally hold her back and stop her. I almost feel like poor Keo has to babysit this crazy chick. I hope he is getting paid extra. Bruno said of Charo: “You are your own creation! You’re a tornado!” Charo replied: “You have a funny accent! Your english sucks!” Really. She said that. She is off her meds I think. Or she’s on Carrie Ann’s meds. Or Len’s. Either way, it’s not good.

Judges Scores: 6/6/7/6

Love Meter Score: I’m giving these two the score of “HURRICANE!” They are a force to be reckoned with, things are flying everywhere, nobody knows what the hell is going on, and when they talk to each other, it just sounds like gusty wind and chaos.

NICK AND PETA-*Old Couch

They also did the Foxtrot. Their relationship seems to be growing week by week. Not in a romantic way, but a nice friendship where they are comfortable together and like to tease each other and joke around. They are playful, fun, organic. Their dance was the same. Carrie Ann told Nick: “You have to breathe when you move.” So, yes, that’s helpful advice. Make sure that you inhale and exhale. Len got very grumpy after this dance, and continued that way until the end of the show. Someone must have messed around with his oat bran, or maybe he was upset because someone taped over his episode of “Murder She Wrote” on the DVR at the home. In any case, he wasn’t in a good mood, and yelled at them for being “hectic, no control, madness!” Again, like his bladder. Julianne loved their partnership.

Judges Scores: 7/5/7/6 (the 5 came from Grumpypants Len)

Love Meter Score: I’m giving their chemistry a score of “OLD COUCH.” Comfortable, a bit predictable, soft, easygoing, and you have a feeling there might be an old sock hiding inside of Nick’s Brillo Pad hair-poof.

HEATHER AND MAKS-*Blind Date

Well, this week, it will be a bit tough to judge the chemistry of Heather and Maks, since Maks injured himself indefinitely and was unable to dance. He landed wrong on his ankle during rehearsals, and it didn’t sound or look good. So, in came the substitute pro-dancer, Alan, who learned their Jive routine in a matter of hours. I thought they looked great out there, but once again, Len “Get off my lawn, you crazy kids!” Goodman, found a reason to get upset. “It was a waste! I don’t want to see hip-hop! I want to see Jive! Come out here and do a Jive!”

Judges Scores: 8/6/8/8 (guess who the 6 came from?)

Love Meter Score: I’m going to give Heather and her brand new, temporary partner, a love meter score of: “BLIND DATE!”, because that is what this was. I would say it was a successful blind date though. Not sure if there will be a second date or not, but their bond showed promise.

BONNER AND SHARNA- *Feelin Hot

These two hotties are still trying to fan the flames of all the rumors being spread from last week’s premiere, that they are dating, they are an item, etc. The chemistry between them is definitely there, and spreading like wildfire, even as they deny that anything is going on. Again in rehearsal footage, Bonner commented to cameras about Sharna’s beauty. “A pretty dance, with a pretty lady.” They were also holding hands during rehearsal footage. Not to sound like I’m in high-school or anything, but these two are SOOOO into each other! Julianne saw it. She said: “I feel like I was watching something unfolding.” Bruno told Bonner not to “go woody.” I don’t even want to know what that means. Len was STILL angry and yelling, and this time, the audience booed him. Tom Bergeron hilariously replied to Len’s grumpy comments: “Well, someone needs a sandwich.”

Judges Scores: 8/6/8/7

Love Meter Score: These two are getting a chemistry score of “FEELIN’ HOT, HOT, HOT!!!!!”

SIMONE AND SASHA- *Donnie and Marie

THey did the Cha-cha, and it was pretty hot. Fire in the background. Very passionate. On the dance floor, they were able to get across the sexy hot theme for their dance. But their chemistry is more sibling-like, and I get the feeling that Sasha is very protective of Simone, and it’s kind of sweet. He can also be a bit tough on her, and expects a lot of her. Bruno said: “You set off all the fire alarms!” She felt a bit weird trying to be sexy, but she pulled it off well.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/8

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a chemistry ranking of “DONNIE AND MARIE OSMOND.” Syrupy-sweet siblings with lots of spunk and talent.

CHRIS AND WITNEY- *Mommy is Proud

Well, since he was SO awful last week, of course this week, they make us all feel badly about saying that he was so awful, by sharing his tragic story of how he is basically dancing with an almost broken spine and back. This happened years ago, and apparently, its a miracle he is even able to move, and was told he couldn’t do his physical comedy anymore that he was so known for. Even Witney was crying while looking at his sad x-ray pictures of his spine. So, NOW you tell us!!! Anyway, he still seems defensive to me. Not sure what to make of their dance. It was once again all over the place, and I had no idea what was happening. There was a beret involved, lots of extra background dancers, quite confusing. Julianne called it “focused.” Bruno had the comment of the night when he called the pair: “Marilyn Monroe and Cecille B. Demented!” When they received their scores, Witney was talking to him backstage like he was a puppy. “See that? Good boy! Look! You got a 6! Good boy!”

Judges Scores: 6/5/6/5

Love Meter Score: Their chemistry this week was like that of an overworked, guilty mom with her 11 year old, very sensitive son. “Mommy’s gonna dance with you this week, okay? How does that sound? Does that sound fun? Yes? Good boy!!!!” I give them a score of: “MOMMY IS SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!”

NORMANI AND VAL – *Strangers In The Night

They did the Cha-cha. There is an ease between them as partners, but she seems separated from him somehow, like she is somewhere else. Well, technically, she was. Traveling and on tour with her band, but he came with her so they could rehearse during the week. Somehow, they learned the dance and it came across very well. Bruno asked: “What do they serve on that airline? You have such energy! I want to fly with you!” After the show, she was getting on another plane to China. Yikes.

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Due to the fact that they barely saw each other this week because of her crazy schedule, I’m giving them a solid score of: “STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT – EXCHANGING GLANCES.”

RASHAD AND EMMA – *Fever

How did I not notice this dude’s hotness last week? Or did I, and I’m just noticing it all over again and forgetting that I already did notice it last week? Either way, he is hot. They did the Vienesse Waltz, and it was quite sensual and sexy. Bruno called it “50 Shades of Waltz.” Carrie Ann certainly noticed Rashad’s hotness, with her comment about his: “raw, pedestrian masculinity.” Wow. Down, girl!!! Julianne noted that the way in which he holds Emma, is the way that all women wish to be held. All I know is that I wish to be held – by HIM!!!

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: This week, they’re getting a chemistry reading of: “YOU GIVE ME FEVER!” They were hot!

T AND KYM – *Milk Duds

They did the Paso Doble, and it was to “Eye of the Tiger.” A huge boxing ring was the set-up, and Mr. T was a boxer in the dance. It seemed like more jabbing than dancing, but I’m not here to judge dancing. Their relationship seems very sweet and genuine, and he seems like underneath all those chains and toughness, he might be a big ole’ teddy bear. Carrie Ann said “you are growing and expanding.” I think she meant mentally, but it sounded like she was telling Mr. T that he was getting fat. Julianne said “I think you’re crushing it.” Len took a nap in his oatmeal.

Judges Scores: 6/5/6/5 (Len woke up long enough to give the grumpy 5.)

Love Meter Score: Sorry, but their chemistry felt weak this time around. I’m giving them a score of “MILK DUDS.”

DAVID AND LINDSAY – *Energy Drink

Their song was “Bust a Move”, and he was lipsyncing and rapping and having all kinds of fun. He is so adorable. I want to put him in my pocket and take him home. They have such a great energy together. Like two little kids playing at recess. They just always have fun. Their dance was the same.

Judges Scores: 7/6/7/7

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a score of “ENERGY DRINK.” They are fun and happy and bouncy.

WHO WENT HOME:

Chris and Witney. Not really a surprise there. He looked quite upset to be the first one leaving, because it does suck to be the first one eliminated by votes and scores. He said: “I wish my surgery was noted before this week, but it wasn’t, but I had an incredible time.” He seems like he might go home hurt and angry. Perhaps Tom Bergeron should get security to gently walk him out of the building, just in case. Or send Charo home with him, so she can annoy him into quiet submission.

Stay tuned for more hijinks and hilarity from LOVE TV’s Love Meter, Next Week!!!!

Even Though It Can Be Maddening, Why It’s Great to Be Dating

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

It true, here is how it can be rewarding, fun, and even powerful.

One of the hardest things in life is starting over. It is true with anything, really. If you’re a writer, the hardest part of writing any piece, is formulating those first few words at the beginning. If you’re an artist, the hardest thing is looking at that blank easel or paper, and trying to narrow down your topic of inspiration. And if you are a female who finds herself single again – the absolute hardest thing, is starting over. Whether you are single by circumstance, due to a break up, or because you were widowed young – navigating the dating scene and modern dating sites can be extremely frustrating, maddening, and even downright depressing.

But please know that in addition to all of that, it can also be rewarding, fun, and even powerful. It’s true.

The Maddening Part

There are some real whack-jobs on these dating sites such as the guy on that one site who wanted to pay me to smell my feet and then clean my apartment or the other guy who had a fetish for watching fuller-figured women shove spaghetti in their mouths. You get the idea. And the ones who aren’t can be plain old-fashioned rude. Guys who stop all contact out of nowhere, otherwise known as “ghosting.” Guys who lie in their profiles and then for weeks, telling you they are single when in fact they are very much married. Guys who just want sex and aren’t very smooth about getting it. These characters are out there.

All I could think, at first, in having to deal with all these lunatics online who didn’t seem to be too worthy of my time, was: “Dammit. I wouldn’t have to do ANY of this, if my husband weren’t dead forever. Can I just have THAT LIFE BACK NOW PLEASE???” But the thing is, the answer on that Magic 8 Ball always comes back the same. “No.” So I have no choice but to begin again, and once I began to accept that, I could start to see the dating sites in a whole new light.

There are a lot of genuine, real, kind men out there. Men who are just like me, and who are just trying to navigate their way through the life they have right now, and find something or someone they connect with. So, while the rest of you fellow single people are out there navigating like I am, here are a few reasons why starting over with dating can be positive, freeing, and powerful. Read on:

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT: 

I need and want different things. I require someone who has an empathetic heart. I need someone who makes me feel safe and protected. I need someone who is emotionally stable and healthy. I need for the person I’m with to understand that my late husband is a piece of me, forever. And that my love for him and his for me, is the very reason that I’m able to want and desire a great love again now. I need someone who is secure enough in themselves to understand that the heart expands, and that they are not in a contest. Each love you have is unique, because each person and each connection is unique. Being jealous of a love from the past is not something I will put up with, and not the kind of person I want in my life today.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WON’T PUT UP WITH:

In my earlier days, before I was fully grown emotionally, I would have put up with a lot more from a partner than I do today. Today, I will not accept racism or hatred, however veiled, of any kind. I will not date anyone who treats other people with disrespect or unkindness. A long time ago, a friend told me that if a man is rude or standoff-ish to their waiter/server on a first date, she considered that a sign of how he will treat HER in the future when he is in a bad mood or life isn’t going well, and she wouldn’t see him again. I have adopted this same principle. It’s a very clear and easy way to show a lot about someone’s character. How do they treat people in the service industry? It’s very telling. Lastly, if I sense any red flags at all, or if something just feels “off” with someone I just began dating, I’m going to go with my instincts and assume that something IS off. Every single time I have ignored my instincts, I have regretted it. That’s not going to happen again.

When you’re a little older, these are the types of things that you start to get better at. You have to get your heart broken open a few times too many, in order to be able to spot the ones that might not be truthful. And let me tell you, there is a lot of power and freedom in saying to someone: “No. I deserve better than what you have to give me.”

YOU DON’T TAKE EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY:

Remember back in high school, or even college years, where every little thing that happened to you in your personal life, was literally the end of the world? Where every break-up, every fight, every boy that didn’t return your feelings, sent you into a spin-cycle of depression and endless sobbing? When you are older, those things just don’t matter much anymore. They slide off your back a lot easier than before. Because you have lived. You have experienced life, and it isn’t always pretty. You know there are disappointments. You know that people can hurt you. When you know all this, and then it happens from some stranger on a dating site, it doesn’t sting quite as much.

Sure, its never awesome when somebody makes you feel bad or makes you feel unattractive or unwanted. But really, when you think about it, anyone who would go out of their way to make someone else feel bad, has a lot of issues going on within themselves. Most of the time, when someone treats you poorly, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and all their unresolved issues. Once you know this, it’s much easier to just accept things for what they are and try not to read too much into them, or predict the future. A text exchange with someone on a dating site is just that – two people talking and attempting to get to know each other. Sometimes these conversations will go well. Other times they won’t. Sometimes they will go nowhere or be boring or you wont click or connect. Other times you think that you did connect, and then he stops contacting you.

There are a million different variables and reasons why some things just don’t work out. If you try not to take it all so seriously, and take the pressure off of yourself that you NEED TO MEET YOUR SOULMATE RIGHT NOW!!!! – the entire dating experience becomes not only more tolerable, but sort of fun. Think of it as meeting lots of potential new friends. There are quite a few guys on the sites that I didn’t connect with on a relationship level, but who have become good friends. The ones that went nowhere, they probably weren’t meant to. Keep trying, and don’t take any of it to heart.

YOU HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE:

There is beauty in wisdom. In strength. And there is beauty in living a life of struggle and surviving. These days, even though I will admit to still being insecure about my fuller figured body, I am also a lot more secure in my own beauty, and I know that a lot of that beauty comes from an inner-light. If you show confidence and joy and an ease within yourself, that is reflected, and others see it as beautiful. Its an attractive quality. That is why when you are in a relationship and really happy, it seems like other guys are hitting on you and flirting with you all the time. They ARE! Because you’re giving off this joy and this peace as you strut your fine ass down that street, they pick up on that, and they want to be around it.

ADMIRERS AND COMPLIMENTS:

It’s the same way on the dating sites. Your inner-glow shows up and makes an appearance in your profile pictures. Men pick up on this, and they want to be around you. I will admit also, it feels really nice to be told, even by total strangers on dating sites, that you are indeed attractive, that you have a great smile, pretty eyes, anything like that. We are all human, and we want to feel wanted and cared for, and it feels good when someone else recognizes things in us that maybe we didn’t even see .

When I first started dating again one of my biggest worries was that I was convinced that nobody would or could ever love me in the beautiful way that my husband did. And in a way, I was right. Nobody WILL love me the exact way that he did. But why would I want them to? Someone new will love me in their beautiful and unique way. Once I figured that out, the fears about it started to drift away, and I started to get more excited about the idea of “someone else.” And now I’m finding that although I will always miss my husband, it is exciting and fun to discover someone new that you begin to care about, and all the many ways in which they choose to show you love.

YOU ARE BRAVE

The big thing about getting out there again and diving into the dating scene, is that it’s actually quite brave. It takes a lot of courage and energy to literally “put yourself out there” in mind, heart, and soul – and take the chance of getting hurt or rejected. But after having my heart broken a few bazillion times, I have started to figure out that someone’s rejection of me simply means that they are not the person who will appreciate what I have to offer and who I am and what I have been through. So I don’t want them. Which means, technically, I’m the one rejecting them. See how I turned that around? All it takes is a bit of humor, and a little perspective.

It can feel really good, and really powerful, to be able to get into the world of dating. There are so many interesting people in this world, so many to choose from. Some are so totally wrong for who you are, and others are so totally right. Some might be right if the timing were different, and others might be right if you were more compatible. And then, there is that someone, that could be the exact right person, at the exact right time, and you never would have known that, had you not taken that chance.

Love is a beautiful thing, and love is always worth the risk.
Every single time.

“Dancing With the Stars” Week 4: The Love Meter Review

by Kelley Lynnin RELATIONSHIPS

Well, it was Week Four on “Dancing With the Stars”, and the show did their signature “Most Memorable Week Ever” show, otherwise known as: “the episode where everybody has an emotional breakdown.” In this week, each of the stars chooses the year of their life that was life-changing or powerful in some way, and then tells that story through their dance. It is always a tear-jerker, and we always find out a lot that we didn’t previously know about each of the contestants. As my favorite host Tom Bergeron said at the top of the show: “It is always one of our most popular and powerful shows.” Yes, it is Tom. So, since the judges panel is already in charge of judging the dancing, we here at Love TV will once again, focus on each couple’s chemistry together, scoring them on our scientific-proven “Love Meter” scale. (I made it up) So here we go. Enjoy ….

NORMANI AND VAL: Anyone for Chinese?

They did the Rumba, and her chosen year was 2012, the year she joined the pop band 5th Harmony and her life changed. The dance was dedicated to her family, who sacrificed everything so she could live her dreams. Julianne said: “You are a powerhouse.” And Bruno yelled while flailing his arms about: “You know what I like, and you give it to me!” Wow, Bruno. Is that the kind of thing that is often said in your bedroom, when it’s just you, yourself, and your right hand? Carrie Ann went into an hour-long definition of what a lift is, because she is obsessed with taking off points if anyone’s toe comes off the floor.

Judges Scores: 8/7/8/9

Love Meter Score: Giving them a chemistry rating of CHINESE FOOD. They are pleasant enough and fun enough to watch, and it tastes good going down, but after awhile, I have forgotten all about them and I’m hungry again.

NICK AND PETA: Hot! Hot!

His most memorable year was 2016, because he met his now fiance Vanessa on “The Bachelor”, and because she would kick his ass on national tv if he had said any other year but that one. Their dance recreated the experience of dating lots of women at once, and then finding love. It was seductive, it was danced to “The Shape of You” so it was more sexual than loving, and it ended by Nick grabbing Vanessa from the audience, lifting up her dress and making out with her a bit too long. Bergeron was trying to move things along before the two went any further, and comedy ensued. Bruno said of shirtless Nick: “Something new is stirring inside you tonight!” (Eww!) Len joked: “Now that I’ve seen you with your shirt off, I see that we have got so much in common.”

Judges Scores: 8/7/8/7

Love Meter Score: Well who cares about Peta and Nick this week – the real chemistry score belongs to Nick and his fiance Vanessa, who practically stripped each other naked on the dance floor and went into full x-rated mode. I’m giving these two a score of TOO SEXY LEVEL HOT!!!

NANCY AND ARTEM:  Easy Like Sunday Morning

In this case, the couple’s Foxtrot represented not one year, but an 8 year period in Kerrigan’s life, where she suffered 6 miscarriages. Hearing her talk about it in rehearsal footage was heartbreaking, as she described “feeling like a failure, and shameful.” Eventually, her and her husband went through IVF treatments, and were able to have 2 additional children to add on to the one they had naturally at the start. The dance was soft and lovely, and the judges were moved to tears. Len said that Nancy had “moved from the pack, into a front-runner. Well done!”

Judges Scores: 8/9/8/8

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a score of LIONEL RICHIE, i.e. “Easy like Sunday morning….”

T AND KYM: Hallelujah!

They did the Waltz, and the year he chose was 1995, when he was diagnosed with a rare cancer. After going through radiation and then chemo, it returned and he needed more treatment. He found his faith that year, and he says that it saved his life. They danced to “Amazing Grace” to give thanks to the miracle of being alive. Carrie Ann said: “Your faith radiated into that dance.” Julianne said: “Your story was so evident on that dance floor.”

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: Between him and Kym, they are lovely friends indeed. But between him and God? Ill give that score a HALLELUJAH AND AMEN!!!!

HEATHER AND ALAN AND MAKS: The Magic of Three

Yup, the weird threesome continues, as Maks is still unable to dance due to his injury in Week One, so he watches awkwardly from the sideline and cheers his partner on. They did the ChaCha, and the year chosen as 2015, when she married her husband Taylor. They met on MySpace, and Bergeron joked: “The most amazing part of your story is it’s the first time in a decade I’ve heard anyone mention MySpace!” She is a fantastic dancer, but I’m not here to talk about that. The weird part is that she seems to have much better chemistry with Alan, than with Maks. Her and Maks seem blah. Her and Alan are smoother. So what will happen once Maks returns to dance? Who knows. Should be some good drama. Bruno asked the pair: “Can I marry you both?” This threesome just got more interesting.

Judges Scores: 8/9/9/9

Love Meter Score: I’m giving this wacky trio a rating of THREE’S COMPANY. Let the hijinks begin.

DAVID AND LINDSAY: Contagious!

They had the Waltz, and his year was 2016, his last year playing with the Cubs, caught a no-hitter, and they won the World Series. He retired to be a full time dad, and said: “I got to live my dream, my job now is to be a good dad, so they can live their dreams.” His personality rocks. I love watching him. Julianne said: “Your spirit and energy are so infectious.”

Judges Scores: 7/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Im giving their chemistry a score of THE FLU!!! Highly contagious, and easy to catch.

RASHAD AND EMMA: Emotion

This one was super emotional, and for me, the dance of the night. When Rashad was a child, his dad wasn’t home a lot, because he thought his job was to provide , so he worked hard. Years later, when Rashad was in the NFL, his mom called him in 2006, to tell him his dad had a stroke, and his leg would be amputated. Rashad gave up the big contract to play close to home instead and be with his dad. Everyone thought he was nuts, but him and his dad grew closer and now have this beautiful relationship. At the end of their dance, he ran over to his dad, who is now in a wheelchair and was in the audience, and they both cried as they hugged each other. Julianne called it “motion = emotion. No words.” Highest scores of the season, and everyone on earth was crying.

Judge Scores: 10/9/10/10

Love Meter Score: I’m gonna go with that old classic sketch on “Saturday Night Live” from years ago that Mike Myers used to do: IT WAS LIKE BUTTAH!!!!

ERIKA AND GLEB:  UHHHHHH!?

Her story was definitely lacking the emotion that the others had. She chose 1989, because that is the year she moved to NYC and became a real adult. The dance seemed weird, because they used Madonna’s “Express Yourself”, and she seemed like she was trying to BE Madonna. So it seemed more like a weird, out of sync Madonna tribute than having anything to do with her own life. Also, Gleb’s creepy skinny moustache looks like a 70’s porn star. Len said: “It’s a bit same ole, same ole, like my bladder.” Okay, I made that last part up. But the dance was weird.

Judges Scores: 8/7/7/8

Love Meter Score: That was ALL KINDS OF AWKWARD!

BONNER AND SHARNA: Secret Lovers

They did a Foxtrot, and the year was 2016, when he became paralyzed after falling on his head off the bull. It was months of rehab, and hi career was over. “You work so hard for something, and it’s just gone”, he said. Their dance showed this struggle and his climb back up into miraculously being able to dance today. Bruno flirted: “Someone is the new leading man in town!” Bonner seems uncomfortable everytime Bruno speaks, which is hilarious.

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Between him and Sharna, I’m going with SECRET LOVERS, because they still seem to have a special connection. Between Bonner and Bruno, I’m going with a reading of THREAT LEVEL: STALKER!

SIMONE AND SASHA: Adorable

They Waltzed, and the year was 2008, which was when she was adopted by her grandparents, who told her to call them mom and dad. Her bio mom was not well, had an addiction, was in and out of jail, and Simone ended up in Foster Home until her grandpa said “I’ll take her.” At the end of the dance, she hugged her parents as they all cried. Len called it her best dance yet.

Judges Scores: 9/9/9/9

Love Meter Score: They are adorable, and their chemistry seems to grow, like EASTER FLOWERS, blooming and fresh.

GOING HOME:

Mr. T went home, unfortunately, but even HE knew he wasn’t any good. “I know I couldn’t dance, but I tried”, he said to Erin Andrews at the end of the show. He is a total sweetheart, and not a good dancer. Stay tuned next week for DISNEY WEEK, when the gang dances to Disney classics, Len takes a well-earned nap, and Bonner gets a restraining order against Bruno.

Dancing With the Stars: This Week’s Love Meter Review and Shocking Elimination!

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE

On this week’s favorite ballroom blitz extravaganza reality show, eight couples remained. For the first time ever, the show did a new theme where pairs danced to iconic Boy Bands and Girl Groups, and former contestant, runner-up to the winner, and Backstreet Boys member Nick Carter, sat in as guest judge. Also this week, was a TEAM DANCE broken up into teams of men vs. the women. As always, the 4 judges on the panel gave their opinions and scores on the dancing and choreography, but we here at LOVE TV will critique what really matters – the couple’s chemistry. Now unless you are a professional like me, please do not try to rate the couples at home. This must only be done in a professional environment, using my special scientific formula (I made it up). Just come here, and read on. Oh, and you’re welcome. Let’s get started with this week’s action:

SIMONE AND SASHA: EGG ON THE FACE

They did the Samba to a Destiny’s Child song. During rehearsal footage, Simone was asked if her partner was sexy, to which she responded, “Hmmm, thats pushing it. Sexy? No. Rashad is sexy!” (and she is right) Their dance got mixed reviews, with mostly high marks, and with Len saying “the timing was suspect, like my bladder.” Okay, maybe I made up that last part. But you can’t prove it. Backstage, Erin Andrews further embarassed Simone by bringing up her sexy crush on him. She giggled like a schoolgirl, which she is, technically.

Judges Scores: 9/8/9/9

Love Meter Score: This week, I’m giving this couple a score of EGG ON THE FACE, because it must have been slightly awkward having to practice with Sasha for 17 thousand more hours, right after saying he isn’t sexy in the slightest.

BONNER AND SHARNA: COOL DOWN

They did the Rumba, to a Backstreet Boys song, with Nick Carter being a former member AND also being Sharna’s former dance partner. So, the pressure was on. The dance was lovely, but i feel like some of their former spark has started to dim a bit, or maybe they are over each other already. There was a definite hot chemistry factor with these two, the first few weeks, and although it’s still there, its getting more lukewarm for some reason. Nick said: “I can’t be more proud of what I just saw.” Bonner claimed in rehearsals, to cameras, that he is the worst dancer on the show. Yeah, but he also has the best naked chest, and is the cutest. So, there’s that.

Judges Scores: 8/8/7/7

Love Meter Score: Giving these two a scientific score of COOL DOWN PERIOD. To be determined as to whether or not their hot status re-appears in the future.

NANCY AND ARTEM: FRIENDS

They danced to the Girl Group EnVogue, and they did the Paso Doble. Nancy was very overly critical of herself during footage, and Artem tried to comfort her while still being the firm and supportive coach. Their dance was quite nice, and you could feel the supportive and caring nature coming from her partner in their movements. Carrie Ann called it “spot on. Well done.” Nick said “My mind is blown. You have blown my mind.” Bruno made a sound that only Bruno can understand. Len napped in his Cream of Wheat.

Judges Scores: 9/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Giving these two a chemistry reading of FRIENDLY COACH, because I’m guessing that Artem is way sweeter and more friendly than any of the Olympic coaches Kerrigan is used to. They can be tyrants.

NICK AND PETA: SIBLINGS

Their dance was to the Beach Boys classic “Fun Fun Fun”, and it was a Jive. The routine had the feel of a 1950s scene, with the TV appearing black and white as if in an old music video or movie. They were pretty adorable together this week, and she was great with him in rehearsals about helping him let go of his insecurities as a dancer. Len said it was “lacking polish and finesse, like my …. oh, never mind.” Now, I may have misheard him, but I could have sworn that Bruno said the dance was “a bit like a stroke”, which was absolutely hilarious and also extremely wrong. Maybe he said something else, but Nick Carter and Carrie Ann sort of gasped when he said it, so who knows. Nobody ever knows what the hell that guy says, because nobody can understand him. Except Charo. Charo could understand Bruno, because she spoke the same crazy language.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: This week, they get a score of BIG SIS AND LITTLE BROTHER vibe, because that’s how it felt.

NORMANI AND VAL: SIZZLE

They did the Salsa, and their theme was that Val was a hot and sexy construction worker, grabbing her off the street for a sexy dance. It was very hot, and the chemistry was great this week. Bruno had the funniest and wackiest, most innuendo comment with: “It melted all my wiring, and blew out all my boxes!” Carrie Ann said that Normani’s body lines were perfection. And if it weren’t for Grumpy Len, their scores would have also been perfection. You can’t really blame him though. They woke him up from his nap.

Judges Scores: 10/10/8/10

Love Meter Score: Hot, hot, and even more hot! Like SIZZLING FAJITAS!!!!

DAVID AND LINDSAY: PAPA DON’T PREACH

They did the Argentine Tango to an N’Sync song. I always love these two. They are so darn cute, and he is the most genuine guy. The way the Chicago Cubs and his former Boston Red Sox teams support him on the show is so cool. Lindsey told him she is his coach, and he responded with “I see it like this. You’re my teammate.” He was a bit stressed out this week due to busy schedule and tension, and she helped him relax. Carrie Ann said “you don’t seem like yourself tonight.” Bruno pointed out that he almost dropped Lindsey while on a lift. David replied with: “I might come off as grumpy when I’m trying to just be serious. Was trying to be sexy for this dance, but Lindsey is like my daughter, so it’s weird.” Love them.

Judges Scores: 7/8/7/7

Love Meter Score: Since Lindsey is like a daughter to him, I’m giving them a PAPA DON’T PREACH score this week.

RASHAD AND EMMA: DRILL SERGEANT

They danced to the Four Tops, and had the Tango. During rehearsals, Emma was working Rashad like crazy, and he noticed when he said to cameras “This girl ain’t playin around. She’s serious.” It paid off, because their connection and hard work showed in the dance. Bruno said creepily: “You wanted to show us what you’ve got, and you’ve got plenty!”

Judges Scores: 9/10/9/9

Love Meter Score: Giving their fierceness and determination DRILL SERGEANT status this week, because Emma wasn’t playin!!!

HEATHER AND MAKS: STUNNER

So, after a few weeks nursing his injury and being replaced by another pro dancer as Heathers partner, Maks was finally back, and their connection was stronger and better than ever. They did the TLC song “Waterfalls”, and they had the Rumba. She was joking with him that she wanted to get the “Disney 10 score” last week and didn’t, and he promised her that she would get the 10 score this week with him. The movements were perfect, and they seemed extremely happy to be back together again. Len said: “Beautiful leg action, knockout dance.” Nick called it his “favorite dance of the night.” It was super sexy and passionate, and she is a kick-ass dancer.

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10

Love Meter Score: SIMPLY STUNNING!

TEAM BOYBAND: The men and their pro-dance partners did a fun medley that had a bit of “Magic Mike” quality to it, and was super fun. Their chemistry together as guys was a blast. They were like old friends having a great time.

TEAM GIRLGROUP: Fun chemistry, lots of athletic movement, but didn’t seem as flowing as the men’s number.

ELIMINATION:

Well, here comes the shocker. Who went home this week? Not Nick, the bachelor who can only “sort of” dance, on a good day. Not the baseball player, because he is so sweet and funny and not too terrible, and everyone just loves him to pieces. Who went home, was the girl who everyone thought would be in the Finals. The girl who got her PERFECT TEN scores tonight, as promised by Maks. The girl who had to work with a different partner on the fly, because her original one was injured. Yup. Heather went home, and you could tell that she was just as shocked as everyone else. Also, the massive BOOING coming from the audience showed their disdain for the results. Hey, at least she didn’t go home before Mr. T. Or the horror show that was Chris Kattan. Could somebody wake Len up? Who is going to tell him that Heather was eliminated? Bergeron, that will be your job. He likes you best.

6 Surprising Things I Learned While Working as a Phone Fantasy Girl in Manhattan

by Kelley Lynnin Sex

The number one fantasy we did over and over again

Many years ago, while living in NYC as a struggling actor and comedian, I worked as a Phone Fantasy Girl; otherwise known as “phone sex operator.” I had just finished a 2-year run at Radio City Music Hall, working there as a Tour Guide, and I was in desperate need of a new job. One day, while hanging out with two male friends, one of them saw an ad in the paper for a Manhattan company looking for phone girls. He said to me with pride: “You NEED to do this! You have the sexiest voice!” My other friend agreed, and the two of them “dared me” to call the number and get an interview. Being the competitive type that I am, I took on their dare, and called the number. About a week later, I was hired.

When I walked into work that first day to their Manhattan offices in a professional, nice looking high-rise building, I was taken aback at how business-like the environment was. If you didn’t know what was going on there, you would think you had just entered into some fancy Wall Street office. There were cubicles and dividers and headsets, and training rooms and conference rooms and the like. The people that ran the company and the people who worked there as fantasy girls and other staff, were some of the nicest people I have ever met. They were just regular, everyday people, like me. Struggling actors, single moms, college students, wives, all ages, all races, all sorts of reasons for taking on a job such as this. And although there were male security employees, and a few male Supervisors and Managers, the company was largely run by women.

For those of us who didn’t want the people in our lives knowing that we worked there, (which was most of us), everything was kept very discreet. The name of the company was mysterious and vague-sounding, and most of us told people who asked, that we worked for a “marketing company”, or that we did “phone sales and telemarketing.” For the most part, even the many other companies that resided in the same building as us, had no idea that it was a phone fantasy place. While a handful of my close friends have known for ages that I had this job, most people in my life had no idea. Until today. (Sorry mom and dad! Surprise!) Today, I’m coming out of the closet, so that I can share just some of the fascinating things I learned while working in the phone fantasy world. Strap in, folks. It’s gonna be good!!!

PHONE SEX IS A LOT LIKE REAL LIFE:

As I started to work more and learn more about the business, it struck me as amusing how many similarities there were in the phone fantasy / customer relationship, to the real life female / male relationship. In the phone sex world, you get paid an hourly rate, which was somewhere around $10 an hour if I remember correctly. It was “base pay.” The rest of your money comes in the form of commission, and that is based on how long you can keep the customer on the call. The longer the call, the more money you make. Now, this is very difficult, because most of the men who are calling want to get off, and do it quickly. Half of them are close to being “there” when they call, and just need to be taken over the edge. So when a guy called up who was already in mid-masturbation mode, we were instructed to try and “small talk” with him. Imagine his frustration, when he is trying like hell to orgasm, and I’m delaying it by saying: “So, how about those Yankees? That was quite a game yesterday, right?” And he is on the other end panting and impatient: “WHAT ARE YOU WEARING???” So, its a lot like real life. When it comes to sex, men want to get off, but the women won’t stop yapping! It also struck me that the man is paying so that he can get off, and yet the woman is still trying to delay his pleasure, and talk more. Its just like real life, where the man takes a woman out for a nice dinner in hopes of taking her to bed, and in the end, he could end up listening to her life story, and going home alone with an empty wallet.

THERE IS A FETISH FOR EVERYTHING:

Did you know that some men get turned on by pretending to be a bug? As in, an insect? Yeah. I didn’t either, until I took this job, and a guy called me one day, telling me that his fantasy was for me to be driving my car and then put on the windshield wipers at full speed. He, an insect hanging out on my windshield, would then get squashed over and over and over, by the wipers. This would in fact, kill him, and when he was properly murdered by my windshield wipers, he would bust out into orgasm. This guy called me over and over, every single week, and wanted that exact same conversation each and every time. The call was only a couple of minutes long, and mainly consisted of me describing my windshield wipers going back and forth over his insect body, until his eventual death / orgasm.

What I learned very quickly, is that pretty much anything in the world can be made into someone’s fetish. Things that you would never in a million years imagine how or why that is sexual or could be a turn-on to someone – is! One customer who called me regularly, enjoyed listening to the sounds of me pretending that I was vomiting. He would make me describe different things I was eating, and then he would ask me if I was going to puke. “Yup, here I go!”, I would say, and begin to make ridiculous and obviously fake throwing up sounds. There was absolutely no sex in his fantasy.

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Dancing With the Stars: The Semi-Finals Love Meter Review!

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE

SHOCKING ELIMINATION: It’s all about the Chemistry

This week was Semi-Finals Week on everyone’s favorite dance show, and each of the remaining four couples were judged one last time before seeing who would make it into the Finals. As always, the judges panel on the show were in charge of scoring the choreography, dance moves, and technical abilities of each couple. But we here at LOVE TV have a different but just as important purpose – judging the chemistry between each couple, and sometimes the chemistry in other random places where it’s appropriate (such as the chemistry between Len and his grumpyness, or between Bruno and extra-grumpy Len, when he hasn’t had his nap. ) With only 4 couples left this week, the elimination took another surprising turn, which had the judges gasping with shock at who went home. Let’s take a look:

NORMANI AND VAL: Sweet!

They did a Vienesse Waltz, which was quite lovely, and they were both very sweaty. You could barely see their faces because there was so much sweat coming off of the both of them together. Julianne said the dance was “stunning. You dance as one. ” Yes, and they sweat as one, too! Bruno said: “Sin city! Get out of there! Sexy! ” No. Seriously. That is what he said. Nobody else knows what it means either. A funny exchange proving this followed, when Bruno yelled: “Everybodys so pumped up!”, and Tom Bergeron replied: “Well, clearly YOU are!”

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10

Love Meter Score: Giving them a score of SWEAT BUDDIES, because they were sweating like fools out there, and their chemistry is very buddy-like.

DAVID AND LINDSAY: So Cute!

They did the Foxtrot, and as always, they were adorable and so likable. This guy could WIN this thing, due to all his very loyal Cubs player fans and Cub FANS fans. (Trust me, it makes sense) In any case, Bruno said: “Lots of margaritas! Joy! Fun! I watch you everyday!” Was he drunk? He was making even less sense than usual this week. Carrie Ann called the dance “much improved. You bring it!” Len called David “the boy that brings joy!” Wow, all this cute rhyming.

Judges Scores: 9/8/9/8

Love Meter Score: AWWWWWWWW!!! Their relationship just screams that phrase. Everytime I see them together , I think “Awwww!!!” They are so damn cute, and so likable, and each week, their dance isnt the best dance, but people love it to death, and they are just a big ball of “Awwwww!!!!” And they may win the whole show because of “Awww!”

SIMONE AND SASHA: Brady Bunch!

These two are pretty darn good, VERY good actually. She is like a professional dancer most weeks. They did the Jive, and it was an Arcade theme. Bruno said: “Wreckless sassy attitude!” I swear, I dont know what meds he is on this week, but I wish someone would give me some. Carrie Ann said “You danced with soul tonight.” Their dances were clearly the best of the night, and their chemistry has gotten a lot closer over the weeks. Its sort of a sibling love I feel coming from them, one of respect and mutual admiration. And they are fun. They have fun together.

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10 Perfect scores all night long

Love Meter Score: Because they are so darn cute and also sibling-like, I am giving them a score of “BRADY BUNCH!” vibe. They are like Cindy and Bobby Brady. So cute. So innocent. So Brady. The funny part is, Sasha is probably too young to even get the reference.

RASHAD AND EMMA: Delicious!

They did the Quickstep, and it was lovely. He is a great dancer, and I lovve his personality. She is a bit quirky and I love her accent, and they sort of are like two people whom you dont expect to work together, but do. They are a surprising delightful treat together. Len said something about “It was hard, then soft. Then big, then small.” Ummm, no comment. Julianne thought the dance was great, calling it “all improved. Well done.”

Judges Scores: 9/9/10/10

Love Meter Score: SCRAMBLED EGGS AND HOT SAUCE!!! You dont think it goes together, but it does!!! And its quite delicious, and strange!!! And delicious!!! I think they will be in the Finals.

SHOCKING ELIMINATION: It’s all about the Chemistry

So the bottom two couples after votes were Lindsay and David, and Sasha and Simone.

Simone and Sasha went home.

After getting two scores of Perfect Tens.

It was shocking. The judges looked mad as hell. The chemistry between the audience at home and Simone isnt as good as the love between the fans at home and David Ross of the Chicago Cubs. They just love that guy, even if he is only a mediocre dancer. Just goes to show, its that love connection and chemistry, from audience to celebrity, that counts. They love his personality. His humor. His humility. He might win. But in the meantime, Sasha was sent home one week before the Finale. And everyone was booing that choice.

Next week is the Finale, and the best part of the show, when each couple gets to do their “Freestyle” dance. Will Bruno start making some sense? Will the audience ever stop booing from this week’s elimination? Who will win the Mirror Ball Trophy and zero money? Stay tuned next week to find out ………

Dancing With the Stars FINALE: The Last “Love” Meter Review

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE

Well, kids. It’s been lots of fun writing up these “Love Meter Reviews” for this great dance show, on behalf of LOVETV. But this week, “Dancing With the Stars” came to an end, with an epic, 2-night conclusion including several dances, performances, clips, and the return of the whole crazy cast, back together again. In the end, amongst the 3 remaining couples, a winner was crowned and received the coveted (cheap) Mirror Ball Trophy prize. The 3 couples in the Finals were David and Lindsay, Normani and Val, and Rashad and Emma.

For the season, I have been judging and rating each couple on their chemistry from week to week with one another, using our official and scientific Love Meter sale (I made it up.) This week, however, since it was the finale and it’s special and grand, I have instead rated each couple and their chemistry throughout the season with the judges, and with the audience / fans. But before we break down each of the final three couples, let’s talk a bit about the Finale and the season itself.

This was a fun season, and host Tom Bergeron was his usual witty and wonderful self. (and I’m not just saying that so that his big Hollywood head will love it and he will retweet this review on his Twitter page. Okay, maybe that’s some of why I’m saying it. But it’s also TRUE!) Bergeron is by far, the funniest and most entertaining of all the TV hosts, and his partnering the past few seasons with Erin Andrews as co-host, has been very natural and lovely. Whereas former co-host Brooke Burke Charvey often looked as if she had been dropped off at the TV studio and was unsure why she was there, Andrews seems to fit right in, and her humor and sarcasm are a good match with Bergeron. So I’m giving this pair of co-hosts a PERFECT TEN for chemistry, and cuteness.

The show’s finale was filled with humor and fun as well, and some great dance numbers by the pro dancers and the stars themselves. One of the highlights in the humor department was a video segment about the strong “Bro-mance” between pro dancer Maks Chmirokovsky and “The Bachelor” Nick Viall. It showed them wearing t-shirts exclaiming their love for one another, sipping cocktails together, dancing cheek to cheek, and other hilarious things. On the Love Meter Scale for the season, I give Nick and Maks a score of “LADY GAGA BRO ROMANCE!!!!!”

The show was also filled with the return of other cast favorites, such as the frightening Charo, who performed a number playing guitar on a stool. Bergeron hilariously responded when it was over: “I’ve never seen a guitar look so scared before.” The awful dancer Chris Kattan, who was booted in episode one, returned and didn’t really do much except stand around. It looked like he was forced to be there via his contract. Bonner was there, looking hot as ever, and his nude chest looking even hotter. Mr. T was back, and took part in an embarassingly unfunny parody of “The A-Team”, that never should have left the editing room floor. Also included was a hilarious construction worker themed dance with Val and Normani, and also with Len and Bruno as construction workers on the sidelines. The best part, aside from watching Bruno get all freaky-like with his weird body movements on the dance floor, was afterwards, when Tom Bergeron said to Bruno: “I’ve wanted to do this all season long.” Then he held up the wooden score paddle, giving him a “4.” Bruno then removed his shirt and swung it at Tom, at which point Tom replaced his 4 with a 3. Hilarity ensued.
Now, onto the 3 Finalist couples ….

DAVID AND LINDSAY:

They have both connected hugely with the audience and the judges all season long. The proof of that is that David Ross is even IN the final three. He is pretty good, but he is in no way better than others that were voted off the show earlier, because they simply didn’t have the same fan support that David does. His Cubs team, Red Sox team, tons of celebrities, and fans all over the country just really really like this guy, and I’m one of them. He is a family man, down to earth, hilarious, and humble. And hes a hard worker. The judges love him too. Carrie Ann called him “the heart of the competition”, and even Bergeron called him “the pleasant surprise’ of this season.

LOVE METER SCORE with Judges: “R.E.S.P.E.C.T!!!! Find out what it means to me!” The judges had mad respect for David, and showed it each and every week .

LOVE METER SCORE with the Fans/Audience: To put it in baseball terms, “GRAND SLAM!!!” The fans love this guy. Period.

RASHAD AND EMMA:

Nobody, including Rashad himself, thought he would be in the finals, or that he would be THIS great of a dancer, but he is a natural. He also worked the hardest and longest of anyone else on the show this season, logging in 362 hours of practice time, which is over 100 more hours than any other star on the show. He wanted to win, he wanted to work hard, and he said that nothing in life has ever been handed to him before. He has worked for everything he has, and he wanted that Mirror Ball. Emma has never won either in 7 seasons, so it meant a lot to her as well to win this year. Their relationship with the judges was very fair and they seem to really love and know his work ethic. The fans got to know a different and softer and fun side to this NFL player, and they loved it. And him.

LOVE METER SCORE with Judges: Giving a score of “WORK IT, GIRL!” for his awesome work ethic and hard work.

LOVE METER SCORE with Fans/Audience: Let’s go with ice-cream. The fans love him like ice-cream. They see that ice-cream truck pulling up to their TV, and they just want more, more, more.

NORMANI AND VAL:

Because Normani has a shy and reserved personality, I think it took a while for the audience to warm up to her, and some never really did. She seemed aloof or stuck-up, but really, she was just sort of quiet and her personality came out shining more and more over the last few weeks. She said herself, she feels like she became a woman on this show, and she love that Val was able to “pull things” out of her. Val said it best when he said: “This show is about people, not dancing.’ Normani finally connected with the audience once they saw her vulnerable side, when she did the Contemporary Dance about being bullied when she was younger. The judges, on the other hand, have loved her from week one, calling her “born to do this”, and “brilliant.” She really impressed them on every level.

LOVE METER SCORE with Judges: ‘STUNNING!’ They were in awe of her.

LOVE METER SCORE with Fans/Audience: Giving a score of SEEDS AND PLANTS, because she took a while to grow on us, but now she’s beautiful and flourishing.

And now, the WINNERS of the show ………

RASHAD AND EMMA!!!!

Congrats to this awesome couple. I have never seen any pro dancer as happy and as shocked, as Emma was, upon winning. It was really sweet, and they totally deserved it. Their Freestyle Dance to a medley of Bruno Mars songs was EPIC, and Rashad was such a hard worker all season long, improving each week and becoming a very strong and natural dancer.

So, that’s the season, everyone! Hope you enjoyed our LOVE METER REVIEWS, as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them. We will see you next season, for more debouchery and shananigans. Hopefully, by then, Len will have had plenty of time to sleep, get his naps in, and be a lot less cranky. Nah. That’ll never happen.

5 Surprising Benefits of “Friends with Benefits”

by Kelley Lynnin Sex

If you’re not laughing and having fun together, then you’re not doing it right.

Summer time is just about here, and I have kicked up my dating activity a few notches or so. For the past year, I have been on a couple of dating sites, with mixed results. A lot of endless conversations that go nowhere, a LOT of first dates that don’t turn into second ones, a lot of guys who ‘just want something casual” (i.e., to sleep with me once, and then ignore me forever – no thank you), 2 short-lived relationships, and a couple of dates that turned into friendships. So, while ultimately, I am looking for the real thing – love – I am quickly finding out that this dating thing is a numbers game. It might take a long time for me to find “the one” who is out there for me. I used to be very impatient about that. Now, I am still a bit impatient, but I am trying to change my perspective and take this opportunity to meet a whole bunch of interesting (and sometimes not) new people. There has also been a lot of kissing, which I have no complaints about. So in the meantime of love coming along, I am taking a positive outlook, and just having fun.

One of these ways to “have fun” in this dating world, is to start a ‘friends with benefits” situation. Now, I’m pretty sure that everyone below age 90 knows what friends with benefits, or “FWB” is, but just in case you have been living under a rock for the past few decades, and there’s no Wi-Fi under that rock so you don’t have any internet access – “Friends With Benefits’ is the term for when two people who are friends, decide to start sleeping together. Now, hopefully you have figured out by now, that the “benefits”, is the wonderful sex that takes place between the two agreed upon parties. Now, I will not pretend that finding the perfect person to have a “FWB” situation with is easy. It’s not. It’s complicated. It is very easy to screw this up. A lot of factors have to be there, in order for this to work. First, you have to both be friends with one another, and also be attracted to each other. Also, you both have to be single at the same time. Most importantly, neither party can have stronger feelings for the other, because once sex gets involved, there is always the danger of falling in love with this person. So you have to be pretty confident that this person is someone you love as a friend, and respect, but that you won’t find yourself confusing intimacy with actual love. So, if all of these parameters are in place, and both parties agree that this is something they would like to do, it can be pretty damn enjoyable. And very satisfying.

My First Friends With Benefits Tryst

Recently, I was texting with a guy I had met a couple of months back on one of the dating sites. We had gone out on 2 or 3 dates together, and although there was definitely chemistry and attraction there, for reasons too boring to get into here, we ultimately decided that a long-term relationship probably wasn’t in the cards for us. So we decided to stay good friends, because we do like each other. And then one night, we started texting back and forth about our turn-ons, and just sort of being lightly flirty with each other. And then he said: “You know, it would probably be really good if we ever slept together.” And then I found myself saying: “I could go for that.” To which HE said excitedly: “Really???” To which I said: “Hell, yeah. Friends with benefits. I’m single right now. You’re single right now. Why not?’ And our FWB was born. A few days ago, we had our first ‘tryst’, when he picked me up and invited me to spend the afternoon at his home. We had a really great time, and plan on doing it again fairly soon. So, if you can find the right person for this, and it is tricky to do that, it can truly be a blissful thing. Here are 5 reasons why:

1-SAFETY AND MUTUAL RESPECT

Sure, one night stands can be hot, in theory. In reality though, having sex with a total stranger that you just met and don’t really know at all, is actually potential for something quite dangerous. You could be dealing with a stalker or a creep, or someone who might force you to do things you aren’t into doing, or just someone who doesn’t share the same turn-ons as you do. This is one of the great benefits of FWB. When you are friends with the person you are about to sleep with, you actually care, really care, about what turns them on, and what doesn’t. My friend and I spent the couple of weeks before our tryst, texting and calling each other to find out more about what the other likes. He flat out asked me: “Okay. So tell me everything that turns you off, so that I don’t do anything you don’t want to do.” We told each other: “This is what I like. This is what I don’t like.” (We found out that we both hate feet, which was humorous.) We started to build up the foreplay for weeks, sharing sexy images with each other through texts. It was lovely, and very arousing. So when it came time to get to the fun part, it was wonderful. Having sex with a friend is a great feeling, because the entire tone is always filled with respect, and you know and trust each other, and when you know this person would never bring harm to you, then you are willing to open up even more, and be more adventurous in bed. Which, for me, is something I could never do with a total stranger.

2- NO STRESSFUL RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS

This might be my favorite part of the FWB thing. Yes, being in a committed relationship is a wonderful, beautiful, and lovely thing. But there is something to be said for just having some intimacy, simply because it feels good and feels nice. And not having to feel guilty about that. It is pretty cool when you are comfortable enough with each other to get vulnerable and get naked, but you don’t have to think about ‘where your relationship is going” with this person, or how you can’t stand their mother and that will never change, or whatever else. FWB takes all the stressful parts that sometimes happen as a result of sleeping together, out of the equation. It’s a truly beautiful thing.

3-YOU ALREADY KNOW EACH OTHER’S “STUFF”

Friends have most likely, at some point, had long talks about each other’s pasts and insecurities and whatever else. In this case, my friend knows that it had been 7 months since I had slept with someone. He also knew that I am not in good shape and overweight, and that I feel extremely self-conscious about him (or anyone) seeing me naked. He also knows that I have been through a sexual trauma, and so there are certain things in the intimacy department, that are ‘triggers” for me, and bring me right back to that night. So he knew to stay away from those things, because it would not be a fun experience for me. Because we are friends, we had discussed all of this leading up to our afternoon delight, and it made a huge difference. I also knew things about him, which I won’t say here in order to protect his privacy. By knowing these important things about one another, it made the sex so much more carefree and open. We were both able to fully relax into it, and into the knowledge that we had each other’s backs.

4- You Can Discuss PRE-GAME

When getting ready to have sex with someone you don’t know well, (one night stand situation or just casual sex with a date) you are probably much too nervous and anxious to include laughter as part of the equation. And when you are being intimate with someone you are in love with and in a relationship with, sometimes that can turn into a lot of intensity that makes the sex feel very heavy and serious. And that is great. But there is something to be said for sex that is just really FUN. The kind of sex where you are turned on and being silly, at the same time. Where you can laugh easily, and just generally be at ease throughout the event. Our tryst this past weekend, and everything leading up to it, was very much this way. A few days before our intimacy, I started to get really nervous. So I decided to just tell him that. I sent a text saying: “I’m really nervous.” He asked me why, and I said “because its been awhile, and also I don’t feel comfortable naked. I don’t feel sexy or attractive right now.” He assured me that he would do whatever it took to make me feel wanted and sexy, and that he would do whatever I needed to help me relax. So that morning, I sent him a text, which was basically a list of what I required in order to feel relaxed and less self-conscious. First, I didn’t want to be naked and show all my fat and stomach rolls, so he suggested that I go in his bathroom once we get to his house, and change into whatever makes me comfortable. I decided on a long thin button down black sweater, and undies. Next, I told him to please put the air-conditioner on in his bedroom, because I didn’t want to be sweating profusely while being intimate. That is NOT sexy. Then, I asked him to please pull down the shades and make the room as dark as he could. Lastly, I wanted a shot or two of whiskey before we began. Our text exchanges when coming up with all of this, was beyond hilarious. He adhered to all of my demands, while also making funny as hell comments in the process. “I have a liquor cabinet, and I’ll make you whatever drink you like, but I have to say no woman has ever required downing shots before bedding me.” When we walked into his bedroom, he shivered and said: “Jesus, it’s freezing in here!” Then he made comments asking me if it was dark enough for me, and that if he made it any darker, we wouldn’t be able to see what the hell we are doing. I couldn’t stop laughing, and this set the tone for the afternoon, which was equal parts very hot, and also extremely fun. And because he was kind enough and patient enough to put up with my weird requests, which I thanked him for multiple times, I WAS very relaxed, and I had such a great time. I joked with him about how hilarious it is, the things a man will do, in the pursuit of getting laid. “You ain’t kidding’, he laughed back. Personally, I think sex should be a ton of fun. If you’re not laughing and having fun together, then you’re not doing it right.

5- AFTERWARDS, A DINNER DATE

So after being in bed all afternoon, and having multiple orgasms, courtesy of my awesome friend, he turned to me and said: “I’m starving. I’m taking you out for dinner.” Who is a fat girl to argue with a nice dinner? So, he chose a really nice steakhouse, and off we went. He ordered prime rib, and I had one of the best Rib-eye steaks I have ever eaten in my life. Salads, dessert, wine, champagne, and wonderful, post-bliss conversation. I got to enjoy myself for an entire day, with someone I respect and truly like, and I didn’t have to feel like I had sacrificed any integrity or self-respect to do it. In fact, it felt good. It felt well-deserved. It felt great. We were proud of ourselves, and we were happy. The best part of great sex with a great friend, is this: We held our glasses in the air, and we made a toast. “Cheers. To us. To feeling awesome. And to a successful afternoon. We had a good day.”

I can’t wait to do it again.

Next time, I might even let him keep the lights on.

And I’m definitely ordering lobster.

Why I am Loving the First Date

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

So while I’m waiting on love to come my way, I have come to really appreciate the truly special gifts, that come from a first date.

It was not my plan to be single again. It was not my plan to be suddenly widowed after only have 4 years of marriage with my beautiful husband, or to try to navigate through modern-day dating and dating sites. No, none of these things were my plan.

So, about a year and a half ago, when I was finally ready to actively go out into the dating world again with my full suit of armor, I was on the defense. I was hesitant, scared, and downright suspicious of all these “new men” I was meeting. What were their intentions? Were they out to hurt me? Would I ever find true love again, or would I be forced to keep going on these endless dates, until eternity?

I still don’t know the answers, but lately, I have begun to enjoy the process of figuring out the questions. Lately, I have told myself to stop over-analyzing everything, and start to be in the moment of each date. Stop being overly-suspicious, and instead, be openly-cautious and aware. Stop making judgments about men too early on, assuming that they aren’t right for me, or that this one can’t possibly understand where I’m coming from in life. I have tried to dial back my instinct to be impatient, and turn up the volume on enjoying the new-ness of a first date. Sure, things have certainly changed a whole lot in the world of dating these days, but the special-ness of that very first date is still there, if you want it to be. I should know. I have been on a LOT of first dates over the past couple years, an I have collected a lot of special memories and moments. There is something about a first date, that has a sense of magic. Here are 5 reasons why:

THAT NERVOUS FEELING:

It is 2 hours before the big date, and you are getting ready in your bedroom. You have put on nail polish and even toenail polish, for the first time in ages. You keep changing your mind between the white blouse and flattering jeans, or the bright blue more casual but fun shirt, with leggings. How casual is too casual? What If I’m overdressed? Do these shoes look okay? Do guys even look at shoes? I hope not, because I haven’t bought new ones in ages. You give your eye makeup that extra something to make your lashes stand out. You re-apply your lipstick, and your peppermint body spritzer. You anxiously drive yourself to the restaurant or pub or coffee shop or meeting location, getting there nice and early so you can control getting that first glance at him in person, before he sees you. These kind of nerves are probably even more intense these days, if you are on the dating sites, like I am.

In the old days, before the internet, you would most likely meet someone through friends or at school or work. If you were a man, you would maybe see a girl you liked, and ask her out in person. In today’s world, the online dating scene takes place in steps. For me, when a guy sends me that first message of interest, I go take a look at his online profile page to determine if I might be interested. If I am, I reply, and the conversation exchange begins. This usually goes on for a few days on the site, and then we exchange numbers. Then the texting begins. Then the phone calls, to hear each other’s voices. By the time my new guy and I meet in person, usually its at least a couple weeks or longer that we have been communicating. There is a lot of build-up. Will he look like his pictures? Will there be chemistry in person? How will I know if it’s going well? Will he kiss me? Will I want him to? These are all things you get nervous about, and those nerves give you adrenaline in the hours and minutes leading up to the date.

Your palms are sweating. Your heart is racing. That nervous feeling is everywhere inside you, and its a good thing. It makes you feel alive.

THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE:

First dates are an adventure. You never quite know what to expect. Now, this is not always a positive thing. Sometimes these surprises can be not what you had hoped or planned on. Such as: “Surprise! I look nothing at all like my pictures, and I’m clearly at least 20 years older than I said I was!” Or “Surprise! Hope you brought your wallet, because Im not paying for your dinner today!” Or “Surprise! Remember how I told you I was divorced? Yeah, well, not so much. More like seperated. But not officially. Yet. So basically I’m married. You cool with that?”

In the beginning, these types of surprises used to anger me and upset me greatly. Over time, however, I have learned not to take things like this personally, and I’ve also learned how to spot men like this much earlier than the first date, so as to avoid this from happening completely. Also, these types of surprises are definitely not the norm for my first dates. Sure, these things have happened, but only a small handful of times.

The element of surprise that I’m talking about on a first date, lies in the very fact that you don’t know this person, and they don’t know you. Yet. You are getting to know each other, and doing that flirty thing, and figuring them out, a little bit at a time. And that can be quite fun, especially once you let go of expectations about someone, and just stay in the moment of whats happening. One date I had surprised me by taking me to a gorgeous park with an outdoor ampi-theatre that sat on a lake. He took my hand and led me down the woods trail, and sat us in the pavilion, where we shared kisses and cuddling time. Another first date and I went for ice-cream, followed by stopping by an arcade to play video games, which was a total blast. I have been surprised also from many of my dates, by their life background, and some of their past jobs and experiences. One guy told me of his days working as a bouncer in a strip club. Another had a great story of meeting a stripper (unbeknownst to him) on a dating site. (lots of these stories involve strippers apparently.) I was surprised to find out that another one of my dates lived at home with his mother, but not for the reasons you might think. It was his home, and he took his elderly mother in, because his dad had died years ago, and she had Alzheimers. He didn’t want to see her living alone, and he didn’t want to put her in a nursing home, so he takes care of her. Another date used to be involved in the mafia/mob world, although he made it a point to tell me that “we don’t call it that.” The element of surprise is fun on a date with a new person, because you don’t really know whats going to happen. And that can be really exciting.

GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE NEW:

When I first starting dating, I was annoyed that I had to keep getting to know new people, over and over again. I was annoyed at having to explain my own story, to multiple new people. It felt repetitive and robotic. Lately though, something in me has shifted, and I have started to enjoy hearing about other people’s lives. I have started to enjoy the process of getting to know someone, little by little. How does he listen? What are his interests? His little quirks? What does he like to eat? What are his views on politics and religion? How does he treat people? I like to sort of sit back and watch it all unfold. It used to irritate me that I had already done that with my late husband – I already told him all my stuff, and I didn’t feel like doing that all over again with someone new. But now I focus more on their stuff, and getting to know them, and their world. And its fascinating (not always – theres lots of boring people out there) finding out things about someone. When you open your mind to someone’s world, they will open their world to you. And getting lost in that, can be loads of fun.

CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD (REALLY!):

My late husband was a gentleman. He always opened the car door for me, paid for everything when we would go out, and generally always made me feel like I was 100% safe while in his presence. He was always protecting me from any harm, while still being fully aware and proud that I am a modern, smart, independent woman. So, when I entered the dating world, this was something that I very much wanted in a new relationship. A man who knows how to treat a lady like a lady, but who also recognizes her independence and doesn’t see himself as superior to her in any way. Now, one of the great things about modern dating is that, on the dating sites, you can lay out everything you want and desire in a person, right there on your profile page. It doesn’t mean you are going to GET all of those things, but it does up the chances that a man who reads your profile and then contacts you with interest, will most likely BE some of the things you are seeking after. So, in my case, I have met quite a few men that have proven themselves to be true gentlemen, some being more “old school” than others. One man I met and knew for awhile, not only held the car door open for me, but also came around from the drivers side to walk over, and help me out of the car by offering his hand. And not only would he NEVER allow a lady to pay the bill, I couldn’t even SEE the bill. He wouldn’t let me look at it, because that is how he was raised by his dad. Another first date showed up with one single red rose, and led me around the neighborhood for the afternoon, putting his hand out anytime there was a curb or pothole in the street for me to watch out for. Two first dates came to my house to pick me up, came inside, and met my parents. One man took me for dinner at a really nice restaurant, and expressed his annoyance at a younger man sitting at a nearby table, wearing his baseball hat while inside the restaurant. “That’s so disrespectful”, he said, and it really bothered him. When I used the restroom, I found him standing just outside of it, holding my jacket out, to help me into it before we left. Another first date showed up at my home with a potted plant of Easter lilies, and addressed my parents as Ma’am and Sir. On my most recent first date, we met at a local bakery, and when I arrived, he was already at the table. When I entered the restaurant, he stood for me, pulled out my chair, and got me seated. On the table, he had pre-set a potted plant/flowers, and a cupcake box with my favorite vanilla cupcake, written in icing “Hello. Now, that is classy. Now, I have met MANY guys in my time of dating, that were not gentleman, and did not act this way. But, I will say, I have been surprised, in the best of ways, at how many men out there ARE chivalrous and gentlemanly. I think its a really wonderful thing that there are parents out there, that have raised their boys to respect and honor women, and to treat them both like ladies, and like equals.

THAT FIRST KISS:

For me, the best part of a first date, is that first kiss. I used to say that I can’t wait to have my last, first kiss – because that will mean I have found love again. And while that is still true, over time, I have come to appreciate and even look forward to, experiencing first kisses with a whole LOT of first dates. Now, everyone is different, but I am not the kind of girl that will go very far physically on a first date. However, I AM the kind of girl who, if the chemistry is there and it feels right, will do a good amount of kissing on a first date. I love kissing, and over this past year and a half or so, I have kissed quite a few guys. There are a lot of great kissers out there. Some are good, some are great, and others are off-the-charts, weak in the knees amazing. One first date I had recently, I found him arrogant and cocky and a bit self-absorbed, but he was probably one of the best kissers I’ve ever experienced, ever. We must have sat in his car for an hour, just kissing each other. Sometimes they get that first kiss out of the way upfront. Other times, its more unexpected, while standing outside of his truck, and he tells you straight up: “I really want to kiss you. Close your eyes.” Other times, you find yourself asking bravely out of nowhere: “So, are you gonna kiss me or what?” That first kiss is filled with so much intensity, passion, and anxiousness. It just feels so wonderful and perfect, feeling someone else’s lips touching yours, and lingering there. And people have such different kissing techniques. I think I might keep going on first dates, just so I can keep kissing different guys. There is so much possibility in that first kiss.

So while I’m waiting on love to come my way, I have come to really appreciate the truly special gifts, that come from a first date. Love is a beautiful thing, and I want that more than ever. But, I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on all of the unique things that can only happen, on a first date. There is only one first date with the same person, but there are MANY first dates, on the road to finding that person. Right now, I’m enjoying that ride.

Can Cat People and Dog People Live Happily Ever After? An Investigation.

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Interviews with dozens of animal lovers reveal three things you should know.

You’ve heard it before. People saying things like: “I’m not a dog person”, or “I’m really more of a cat person,” or even: “I’m allergic to both, and I don’t like pets. They are too much work.”

You’ve also heard things like: “My dog is my baby. I bring her everywhere!”, or “if he doesn’t like my kitty Muffles, there’s no way we will get along!”

While the complications of having a partner who has an opposing political or religious view is often talked about at length, the subject of “pet opposites” rarely gets discussed. So I set out to dig deeper into the feelings of “I hate cats” people and the “I’m terrified of dogs” people, and even the “I like turtles and bugs” people, to see if cats and dogs, and the people who love them, truly can live in peace together.

In short, what my investigation revealed was this:  there are a few key elements and themes to keep in mind when trying to cohabitate with a partner who is your pet-opposite.

Know Your Limits

While in an ideal world, compromise is bliss, sometimes there are situations that just aren’t going to work.

Sarah found this out when she dated a man who seemed to put his beloved pet German Shepherd, ahead of her needs, time and time again.

“I understand that having a dog is time-consuming, and I even get it that for most dog people, their dog is a part of the family. That’s fine. But when my boyfriend kept cancelling dates on me because his dog Betsy needed another walk, or one time because ‘she looks so comfortable in my lap and I cant move her’, I had to draw the line. But the last straw was when I was in the hospital after a car accident, and he didn’t come visit me, because the dog just threw up. I was in the hospital! So, at that point, I realized where I fit on his list of priorities.

“It had nothing to do with the dog. The dog wasn’t the issue for me. The issue was my boyfriend’s lack of caring skills for his very human girlfriend.”

While this may seem extreme to some, it’s not. Lots of pet lovers will do almost anything for their pets, even if it means sacrificing a relationship.

Its up to each individual to decide what they can and cannot handle, and to make sure that you and your partner share the same priorities.

Oftentimes, it’s the pet that makes the decisions on who should be in the pet owner’s life. Bobette said plainly: “I had a cat several years ago. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had simply ditched any man that my cat hissed at.”

Conversion Can Happen

It’s funny what true love will do. There are many couples who start out as total pet-opposites, but over time, the non-pet-lover turns into the biggest pet lover of all, and nobody saw it coming.

Jenny dated a man who said he hated cats with a passion. While they were together, he had no choice but to spend lots of time with her three cats. The couple broke up and remained friends, and now, the cat-hater has had nine cats of his own over the years.

Paula tells the lovely story of being in a current relationship with a cat lover, while she herself is allergic to cats. Being a dog person herself, her dog Pepsi was a huge part of her life. Pepsi was often jealous and possessive when the couple would kiss each other. But over time, Pepsi won Paula’s non-dog-loving partner over. When Paula was away, her man would take care of the dog, and would also sneak him treats when he was feeling playful. Paula says her man went with her when she had to put her sweet Pepsi down.

And according to her, he cried just as much as she did.

Jill shares that her man’s total conversion happened over time. “When we first started dating, he hated cats and I had an orange tabby. A lot later on, I brought a kitten home, and my man didn’t want me to. Fast-forward six months later, both my cats regularly climb off my lap, just to go over and snuggle with him. And he seems to like it.”

Lisa says that her husband was a dog person. One day, while at work, someone brought in some kittens “and he refused to hold the one I was petting, until I shoved it into his arms. The cat snuggled against him and he fell in love, and agreed with me that we had to take it home. I still think he did it because he was in love with me.”

It’s About Compromise

In the end, just like with anything, it’s not really about the cat or dog or turtle or parrot. It’s about compromise, and sacrifice, and communication.

If you are with the right person, and you are willing to put effort into those things, then a pet-opposite relationship can definitely work and be very successful.

Linda and Kevin are the perfect example. When they got engaged, Linda moved into Kevin’s home, along with her three parrots. Kevin was not used to having loud birds, never mind three of them, but he loves Linda more than he hates her birds, and so he compromised.

The couple uses their home office as their bird room. The door stays shut and the room is adjacent to their patio, so the birds also get a sense of being outdoors. The noise level is controlled by a noise machine kept in the room, to minimize all the yapping parrot chatter.

Although Kevin has not developed a love for the birds, he has come to understand his now-wife a lot more, and loves her empathy and big heart for animals. In return, she appreciates the space he created for her pets, and the fact that she was never asked to give them up.

Jason and his partner Eric have two dogs, and though they both love them dearly, they have different opinions about whether or not the large dogs should be allowed in the bed. While Jason loves snuggling with the dogs and letting them sleep there with them, Eric finds it distracting.

“It’s one thing when your partner is stealing all the blankets, or taking up more than half the bed — but I draw the line when my dog is kicking me out of my own bed because he won’t move!”

Since Jason gets up three hours later than Eric for work on a typical day, their solution is as follows: They keep their bedroom door closed to the dogs through the night. At 5 a.m., Eric gets up for work, takes the dogs for an early short walk, and then leaves the bedroom door open for them to have the option of snuggling up with Jason for that three hour period. Since he is up and getting ready for work and then leaving, he doesn’t have to put up with the dogs in his bed, and Jason gets to have a few hours of cuddly time with his beloved pets.

My favorite compromise story comes from Michael and Susan, who met at the office they both work at, and it was love at first sight… Until Susan went over to Michael’s place for the first time so he could make her dinner. She had to leave after 20 minutes, because she couldn’t breathe.

Michael had a cat, and Susan’s allergies were beyond extreme, even with inhalers and meds. Susan could not be in the same home where cat dander had been. Her eyes were puffy and she could barely see, and her throat began to close up.

After a few months of dating Susan, Michael decided he wanted to marry her. He told Susan that he loved her so much, he figured out a way to keep his kitty in his life, but out of his home. He made plans with his twin brother to have the cat live with him, about six miles down the road. Michael’s brother would act as main caretaker of the cat, but Michael would keep a key and stop by daily on his way home from the office, to bond with his cat for a half hour and give her dinner. After a top to bottom cleaning of Michael’s home, Susan was able to move in after they got married, and they lived happily ever after.

In the end, love wins.

Want more ways to find compromise in your relationship? LoveTV have a lot more to offer to its members. Click HERE!

 

5 Hopeful Dating Tips, From A Woman Who Finally Found Love

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Finding dating tips for women can seem easy, but what really works? Take these five pieces of dating advice from a woman who’s seen it all.

When I got married to my very best friend at age 35, I never in a million years imagined that just a few short years later, I would be in the dating world again to see if I could have a second chance at love.

But when I was 39 years old, life threw me a gigantic curve-ball. My beautiful husband left for work one morning, and never came home. They found him collapsed on the floor. A massive heart attack. His short life was over at age 46, and my life would never be the same again.

It would take me almost 4 years to begin dating again. After an initial rocky relationship fizzled, I jumped onto the dating sites and started searching. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I had no clue. I just knew that I wanted love again, because love is really everything.

I kept trying, but I kept finding men that were emotionally unavailable to me. Or who lied to me. Or who claimed to be divorced but were actually married. Or who would tell me they loved me and tell me how beautiful and funny and amazing I am, and then disappear without a trace or explanation. Or who were really good at making out in their car with me, but much better at not keeping promises or keeping their word.

I dated and dated and dated. I got my heart broken several times. But I kept trying.

And then, about 2 months ago, it happened. I met my next great love story.

We are insanely happy together, and I have become one of those annoying people who everyone hates because I am giddy in love. We are that couple that people roll their eyes at, and yell: “Yuck! Get a room!”

We are blissfully joyful, and very aware that life can change in a split second. I never thought I would fall in love a second time, and that it could be so magical, a second time. But I did. And I am.

I was there for almost three years in the dating world, and I know how challenging it can be, and how much you just want to hang it all up and say: “No more.” So before you do that, please take a few minutes to read these five hopeful dating tips. And then get out there and find your next great love story.

1. Accept that not every guy will like you.

There are lots of single men out there, and lots of single women. There will be plenty of men who you just don’t connect with. There will be guys that find you abrupt, or too tall, or too fat, or not enough fat, or too much personality, or not enough personality, or who hate your laugh, or who don’t like the annoying way you breathe in and out.

Please do not take ANY of it personally. This is easier said than done, of course, but if you can find a way to know this upfront, and not let yourself get upset or depressed everytime you go on a date that doesn’t work out, you will save yourself a TON of heartache. Trust me on this.

During my first month on the dating sites, I had a date that was pleasant but it was clear there was no real connection. The next day, I texted him to politely thank him for the date. He responded by texting back: “We will not be going out again. I don’t date fat girls, and you are fat. You don’t look fat in your profile picture, but you are fat in person.” After I got done crying for an hour and denouncing all men forever, I texted him back: “Thank you for that lovely text message. It’s funny that you say I don’t look fat in my pictures. You don’t look like an asshole in your pictures, but clearly, you are indeed an asshole. Enjoy your future dates.”

Don’t waste any time trying to figure out why someone doesn’t like you or find you attractive, or analyzing to death why you didn’t get asked out on a second date. It’s a numbers game, and the answer to the “why” is always the same: he just wasn’t the one for you. If you can keep repeating that to yourself during the dating process, you will have a much better time.

interracial couple dating

2. Remember that dating should feel fun.

When I first started my path into the dating world, I was enjoying myself. Then somewhere between month five and year two, I began to lose my stamina. It felt so robotic and pointless. It’s easy to feel this way. Dating is exhausting and stressful. But it really shouldn’t have to be.

So if this starts happening to you, take a break. Put your dating site profiles on hold, or tell your friends to stop setting you up with folks for awhile, because you are “on hiatus” and need a break. Then, when you are ready and not feeling like you’d rather poke your eyeballs out with multiple forks rather than go on one more stupid date, get back into saddle and start thinking about what looks good for lunch.

Dating isn’t supposed to be painful. It shouldn’t feel like going to the dentist or like a series of job interviews. And yes, believe me, I know it’s hard to think in terms of “fun” when you are out with “here’s another boring story about my super boring job” guy. Or “I know I told you I was divorced, but what I meant to say was not entirely separated, and by the way, my wife and I still live together, so really, I’m kind of just a married dude looking for a side piece” guy.

When faced with men such as this, “fun” is the last thing you are thinking about it. But remember what was said above — this is a numbers game. So while you will go out with some real duds that aren’t really worth your time, you will also meet some truly lovely and genuine people. In my time spent in the dating world, I ended up on a few first or second dates with guys, that, for different reasons, things just didn’t work out between us. But we remained friends. I had lots of laughs and lots of fun with some truly quality men. And you will too.

My advice for a first date? Keep it short, or at least PLAN it short. Dinner can feel too stressful and too long, if you’re stuck with someone you don’t want to be with. Meeting for coffee or lunch is great because if there is an obvious connection, you can mutually decide to extend the date and go somewhere else afterwards. And if there isn’t, then you’re only out one cup of coffee. Keep things light. Try and laugh. Have a good time.

3. Take each date for what it is — a date.

There were lots of times when I thought a first date went very well, only to be blown off afterwards, or not asked out for a second date. I would think to myself, “What happened? What did I do wrong? Why didn’t he like me? I thought this was really going somewhere.”

Many times, I got so lost inside of my own expectations and perception of what was happening, that I wasn’t really seeing things through my date’s eyes. I don’t know why that one guy never called me. I don’t know why I wasn’t asked out again. There could be a variety of reasons. But the bottom line is this: it was just one date. He has no obligation or responsibility to take it any further, unless he has the desire to do so.

Sure, the way that some guys handle how they end things with a woman is extremely sucky, but it doesn’t change the fact that they have no obligation to go forward. And if someone has decided they don’t want to go forward with you, then why would you spend even one more minute of your energy on thinking about them?

It’s a date — not a lifetime commitment. An opportunity to meet and talk with someone new. That’s it. Look at all your dates that way, with that simplicity, and you will start to let go of any pre-conceived or unfair expectations.

couple dating

4. Make a list to define your needs, wants, and deal-breakers.

After a couple of years of off and on dating, and a few non-lasting relationships, I started to notice a pattern. I kept ending up with men who were, in one way or another, emotionally unavailable to me. Not mature enough for love. Not ready for love. Still hung up on their ex-wife or girlfriend. Dating me with half their heart, waiting for something better to come along.

One day, a good friend of mine — who happens to also be a widower who has recently found love again and is now remarried — gave me some excellent dating advice. He told me to make a list that has 3 categories:

  • Things You Want In a Partner
  • Things You Require In a Partner
  • Things That Are Deal-breakers For You

For example, one thing on my “Want List” was that I love men who have a passion for food and like to cook. It’s not mandatory, but I like that. Something on my “Deal-breaker List” was anyone who is violent or abusive in any way, emotionally or physically. I have been sexually assaulted and manipulated in my past, so it is imperative that I feel 100% safe and protected around my partner. Something that was on my “Require” list was someone that would understand that I will love and honor my late husband forever, and that he will always be a piece of me, and I need a partner who isn’t threatened by that.

After the list has been made, my friend then told me the important part: “Now, if you want to keep dating people just to date and to get the experience of dating, then every guy you meet does not have to fit everything on your list. However, if you want to find love, and that is your goal, then you need to decide to never again date anyone who doesn’t fit every single requirement on your list.”

I made my list back in April. By June, I met my new love. When you know what you truly want, and you put it out there, it will come to you when the time is right.

5. Never change yourself for anyone else.

This could be the most important piece of advice, not just for dating, but in life. It is very easy to feel insecure or to compare yourself to others, when dating. When you get rejected, it’s easy to feel like there must be something wrong with you. Please know there is nothing wrong with you. Please know that every single thing that makes you who you are, is the exact reason that your person, will be in love with you.

If you lose yourself in the process of dating, then your person will never find you. Never lose yourself. The person who loves you, will do so unconditionally, and will adore every aspect of you.

And the truth is, once you are comfortable inside of yourself and in your own skin, that energy becomes contagious, and that Is when the one who is perfect for you, will be waiting, just around the corner.

With these five dating tips in mind, you’ll be well on your way to your next great love story.

Whether you are a widowed person yourself (like me), or a divorcee, or maybe simply a single woman who is still searching for that perfect someone for you, I hope this friendly advice can help. I’ve been there. And I truly believe that you can find love again, too. Happy dating!

For more great advice, check out how dating is more complicated now than ever — and even so, why it’s still worth it.

13 Dating Terms to Know, Before You Enter the Modern Dating Scene

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Here are 13 of the most current dating terms and phrases for your modern love adventures — and what they mean.

So, here you are. You are single. You are lonely. Your Saturday nights involve tubs of ice-cream and marathons of “My 600-Pound Life.” You have been through a divorce, or you were widowed young (like me). Or maybe you just haven’t found anyone yet that is better than your ice cream.

You are finally willing to “get out there” in the world of dating, but the minute you do, your confusion overwhelms you and paralyzes you. You go onto a dating site or twelve, and immediately, you are met with words and phrasing you don’t understand. What language are these men speaking? What is going on? How am I supposed to date when I don’t even know what the hell these people are talking about?

I hear you, sister.

It’s hard to keep up with modern dating terms and they can be very tough to decipher.

Just when you have learned a brand new term and actually know what it means, it starts going out of style, and is replaced with the next one. It’s like when everyone on earth is in line for the new iPhone 10, and you’re finally getting rid of your Blackberry Curve.

But before you give up completely on what the latest terms mean and how to be aware of them — fear not. I am here to act as your dating dictionary, so that you don’t have to waste your life Googling everything.

Here are 13 dating terms to know, before you enter (or reenter!) the modern dating scene.

1. Catfishing

Okay, we’re starting really simple. This one has been around for awhile now. You may know that “catfishing” is the term for someone online who is lying or tricking someone else as to who they really are — but do you know why it’s called that?

The term “catfishing” is actually referring to literal catfish. It came from an old tale told by a fisherman, about a common problem in transporting cod. During the boat ride, the cod would become under stimulated and bored, causing them to become stale and tasteless. Someone came up with the idea to put catfish in with the cod, so that they would chase the catfish and keep them moving, active, and agile; resulting in a better quality cod.

So, because the catfish were “luring in” the cod, and stimulating them, this term began being used to describe what people were experiencing with online dating. For example, let’s say you develop an online relationship with this great guy named Alex. But every time you ask Alex to talk on the phone or Skype, he has some lame excuse about bad reception. Eventually, you decide to meet Alex in person. But when you get there, it becomes clear that Alex isn’t really Alex. In fact, he isn’t even male. Or the age you thought they were.

Congratulations. You have been catfished.

2. Netflix and chill

One might think this means exactly what it says, which is: “Hey girl, let’s hang out at my place and watch a movie on Netflix and relax.” But no. It is code. What it actually means is: “Hey girl, let’s hang out at my place and fool around with no commitment or promises for anything (otherwise known as “hooking up”). I may or may not show up with a condom. Cuz that’s how I roll! ”

It Is very important to know this phrase, because if you don’t, you would innocently assume you were going to someone’s apartment to watch a movie. When you pull up “My List” on Netflix and they pull out something else, you will then realize you have gravely misunderstood this common phrase.

3. DTR

I had to look this one up myself when a guy I had been seeing for about 2 weeks asked if I wanted to “hang at his place and chill.” Which is just a less impressive version of Netflix and chill. I told him I thought it was a bit too early for that, and he said: “We can hang out. DTR. And go from there.”

He followed this up with a wink-wink type look, but I followed it up by googling: What the hell Is DTR? Turns out it’s a simple acronym. It stands for “Define the Relationship.” Because saying all three of those words took SO MUCH TIME!!! Clearly, we need to abbreviate that. Anyway, that’s what it means. And Mr. Two Weeks clearly wanted to define our relationship as: “come on over and have casual and probably mediocre sex.” No thanks.

young woman talking on the phone

4. FBO

Did you know that if you get married, have a baby, get a promotion, or get fired- that it didn’t actually happen if you didn’t post it on Facebook? It’s true! And if you are involved in a new-ish relationship, it is up to both parties to decide, hopefully mutually, when they will go FBO, or “Facebook Official.” Soon, I expect that people will no longer get engaged. They will simply change their relationship status on their Facebook pages, and declare themselves FBO. This works great for cheapskates — no ring!

5. Ghosting

This is when you are talking with someone or dating someone, and then smack in the middle of your relationship, they just disappear. They stop all contact, with no warning or explanation. It can happen online, with someone you have been seeing for months or weeks or days, and it can happen in a regular relationship that never occurred online.

It happened to me last year. A guy I had become very close with, disappeared, and blocked me from contacting him again. We had been close friends for almost 2 years. This behavior is mean, immature, and spineless. It happens often, it is common, and it is a shame. There is really no way to avoid it, but you can try your best not to take it personally. Anyone who would do this to a person is not someone you want in your life. Doing this is a reflection of them, not you.

6. Zombie-ing

This Is sort of like the sequel to ghosting. This is when the ghoster comes crawling back, out of nowhere, and wants back in your life. They rarely apologize for their ghosting, and usually will try to regain contact with simple chatter such as “Hey what’s up with you lately”, or other lame musings.

It’s not a great idea to let a ghoster back into your life. They have an agenda. Once they don’t get what they need from you, they will move on to their next victim. This behavior is also sometimes referred to as “haunting.” As in, the ghost is back to haunt you.

7. Catch and release

These are lovely men who get off on the “chase”, so they will put a lot of extra efforts into “getting you.” Flowers, flirting, promises galore. Then, once they have your attention and they no longer have to chase you down, you lose your appeal to them and they stop putting in the effort. Then, finally, they get easily bored with you, and “release” you. Dump you.

If a guy comes on very strong and very charming at the start, and it seems over the top, you may be experiencing this behavior. Be careful.

8. Cuffing season

Oh, those long and lonely winter nights can be so burdensome, right? Yes, there is a season for this, and refers to those who want to be part of a couple, only for the cold winter season. To have someone to be with on the holidays, cuddle with, and make passionate love to on cold winter nights.

A warning: as soon as that sun comes out and the weather gets warmer, you might find yourself getting ghosted! If a guy seems a bit too anxious to make you his girlfriend the day before Christmas, you might be headed for cuffing season.

9. Thirst trap

Okay, this one is just weird. This is a dude who puts up an image/picture of himself, usually on a dating site or on social media, with the specific intent on shocking people or getting lots of attention, which is also known as “thirst.” A typical picture might be of a guy’s shiny abs with a beer bottle resting on them, or beach sand placed just right (in the crevice of his rear).

This “thirst trap” type of picture is rarely ever a well-intentioned person. At worst, it’s a scam of some kind to get you to click on the image. At best, it’s a narcissistic dude who gets his jollies every time a new chick clicks “like” on his stuff. Either way, he has no intention of dating you — hence the “trap.”

Young couple arguing in a cafe. Relationship problems

10. Slow fade

Sounds like a romantic movie ending, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it is the exact opposite.

The slow fade is basically when you are dating someone, and they decide on their own, without informing you, that they are no longer interested in you anymore. So, much like the ghoster who is too spineless to have a conversation about this, they start a gradual descent into not caring. They text you less often, they stop flirting, they suddenly seem like they don’t care. Because they don’t. The communication and effort gets less and less, until you have been faded out of the picture.

This is basically ghosting, in slow motion. It’s “Ghosting Lite” for the jerk who isn’t quite ready to take on the commitment of full-on ghosting!

11. Breadcrumbing

This one is very big on the dating sites. It basically means “to string someone along”. These are guys that will act interested in you. They flirt. They send sexy messages. They compliment you. But it’s all very vague and doesn’t ever go anywhere. It seems like all they want to do is just text endlessly, until one of you dies.

I’ve talked to these dudes many times. They get you hooked on them by appearing interested and charming, then they never follow through with anything. Most of them have no intention of even meeting you in person.

However, this can also happen offline too. Just a string of non-committal dates that are vague and don’t seem to be leading to anything. Sometimes these men aren’t entirely single (but you don’t know that), or they just enjoy lots of casual and lazy dating. Buyer beware.

12. Love-bombing

While the bread-crumber leaves slow and vague trails of crumbs for you to follow, the love-bomber does the opposite. This often involves big grand gestures of romance. Passionate love notes. Roses and promises of trips taken in the future together. Lots of presents. This is to draw you into them, at which point, they begin to reveal the “real” them, which isn’t always pleasant.

A lot of love-bombing is done by master manipulators and narcissists, who can appear charming upfront, but are actually quite controlling and aggressive. If someone comes on too strong too fast, or their “attacks” or bombs of passion just feel a bit too awkward, follow your gut. Things should progress and feel natural between two people. Whenever you feel as if you are a pawn in someone else’s game, you probably are. Pay attention to those early signs telling you this doesn’t feel right.

13. Lay-by

(It’s pronounced like “laying by the side of the road until I decide you are worthy of my attention.”)

This is similar to putting something on Layaway. You want the item, but you can’t commit to it right now. These men put women on “layby” status – they are usually still in another relationship, living with someone, often even married or separated but not divorced.

They are the types who do not like to be alone. They want to have the next person all lined up on stand-by, for when and if this current relationship blows up. So they keep you in the corner, waiting, while they figure out their life. Nice, right? Yeah. Not so much. If you are dating someone and you feel like you don’t always come first for them, you probably don’t. First is their spouse or girlfriend. Then you. Maybe.

Now that you’re fluent in these modern dating terms, you can be on the lookout for terms that aren’t on your terms.

I hope that these definitions are helpful, and at the very least, entertaining. The good news is that, out of all this craziness, I DID actually find love, eventually. Now, you can follow in the breadcrumbs of my misery, and laugh your way to a healthy dating life. And if that doesn’t work, well… there’s always ice cream.

For more reading on modern love, check out this guide to dating apps — and then prepare for the worst (while hoping for the best!) by learning about the 7 most frustrating types you’ll meet on dating sites.

Tongue-Tied During Sex? Here’s the Sexy Talk Women Want to Hear.

by Kelley Lynnin Sex, SEX TIPS

When it comes to intimacy, women love communication — and that includes sexy talk.

We love to feel close to you, and for us, that closeness comes from more than just the physical. Sure, it comes from your tenderness. Your touch. That look. But most of all, it’s the words you say to us while in the throws of passion that can really get us over the edge.

So if you want to guarantee your partner has an amazing time in bed with you, and that you have an equally amazing time, check out these sexy talk phrases that most women really respond to during sex:

“You look so beautiful.”

Telling your partner she is beautiful is always welcome, but even more so when in the midst of sexy-time together. By letting her know that you think she looks beautiful or gorgeous right this minute, while she might be a bit sweaty or her hair may look like she just went through a wind tunnel at warp speed, you are ensuring her that she is always beautiful to you. This is very comforting to us, so please feel free to remind us as many times as you like. (But only if you are being genuine. Women can pick up on “lines” a lot better than you think.) The more beautiful we feel, the more relaxed we feel, which means more fun for you!

“You are so f**king hot/sexy.”

All men are different, as are all women, so feel free to choose whichever word you like to use in your sexy talk. The key word here is the curse word. Telling us that we are so sexy or so hot that you can’t control your language is pretty much an instant turn-on. Make sure you put extra emphasis on the curse word – stretch it out a bit. Let’s just say hearing these words makes us feel really really good. You telling us we are hot to you, makes us feel very hot, and then we just want to devour you.

“I want you so badly right now.”

Also acceptable is “I NEED you so badly.” You can rotate between the two if you get bored. The important thing with this one, is, again, being genuine. This should be said in the moment, during foreplay probably, and as part of the build-up and teasing. Bonus points if you whisper it in her ear before or after sucking her earlobe, kissing her neck, or holding her face and looking into her eyes.

young beautiful couple hugging and talking

“I love your body.”

It’s pretty safe to say that the majority of women are self-conscious about their bodies. Most of us feel negatively or badly about at least some areas of our bodies, and these insecurities are only magnified for us when we are naked and vulnerable and completely exposed. So, if you have been with your partner awhile, and know where her insecurities lie, reassure her that you love every inch of her. With this one, get as specific as possible, talking about individual body parts, skin, curves, tattoos, or whatever else you truly love about your partner.

“This feels amazing. I love the way you…”

The last part of this sentence will be different, depending on the couple and what you both enjoy doing in bed together, but be specific in letting her know exactly what you love, preferably while she’s doing it. Why? Because hopefully she will take the hint and keep doing it, which will lead to an incredible orgasm for you. If you love the way she makes out with you, tell her. If you love how she teases your nether regions with her fingertips, let her know. Positive reinforcement will lead to more creativity, and more trying new things. Fun!

“I love the way you taste.”

For whatever reason, most of us women are a bit nervous about what you will think of our vagina. The scent, the look, the overall chemistry of things — it’s something we generally worry about, and often make all kinds of assumptions when we don’t hear confirmation that everything is, well, peachy.  So don’t leave us wondering. Tell us. Any genuine and positive words you have about “down there,” would go a long way in building our confidence level, and ensuring that we can relax when you are pleasing us, instead of worrying about if you even want to be doing that. Hearing that you love how we taste or smell or look down there is the perfect antidote to all our insecurities, and will most likely lead to an epic orgasm.

Young Couple Lying whispering

“I could stay here forever with you.”

This one is probably better once you are in an actual relationship with your partner, as this might be weird to say during a one-night stand or casual situation. But assuming you are with one another and care about each other, it is very comforting for us to hear and to know that you are genuinely happy and content right here, right now, with us. That you’re not in any big hurry to get up and leave. That is a beautiful thing.

“[Insert yummy sound here].”

There are several versions of this, but generally speaking, women love to hear men moaning and making sounds of ecstasy, just as much as men love to hear us. There is nothing hotter than knowing and having audible evidence that you are turning someone on, when you hear their screams, their groans, or their garbled and mumbly sexy talk. We dig that.

“I love you.”

Again, not so much for the one-night stand or casual sex, or for anyone you don’t actually love. But if you are in a loving, caring, mutually exclusive relationship, and you are being intimate, nothing makes a woman feel more connected or bonded with you, than hearing you say those three words, in the midst of lovemaking. The only thing I can think of that would be better than these three words, is making it four words by adding the ultimate curse for emphasis: I f**king love you.

Now if you’ll all excuse me, I need to go and find my partner so we can put all of these into practice.

You should go and do the same — or share what sexy talk tactics you learned with them. It may require lots of practice, so keep trying out your newfound love of words until you feel comfortable. Your partner will thank you for it.

For more ideas on spicing things up in the bedroom, check out this primer on how to dominate your man or, conversely, this interesting read on what not to do during sex.

Having Sex After A Dry Spell: What Your Body Is Trying To Tell You

by Kelley Lynnin Body, RELATIONSHIPS, Sex, SEX TIPS

Here’s what to know before getting back in the saddle after a sexual dry spell.

Sometimes, life doesn’t go quite as we may have pictured it or planned it. Every now and again, life enjoys tossing a few curve balls at us, just for kicks. Sometimes these changes in life can cause us to take a short, or very long, “dry spell” — or hiatus from being intimate with someone.

Whatever your reasons are for taking a break from dancing in the sheets, there are some things you should know before diving in again.

First, try and imagine your body having an actual, physical voice.

What would your body’s voice sound like when it spoke to you? Now that you have that voice in your head, give this a read. These are all the things your body has been trying to tell you, about how it might react to intimacy after an epic dry spell.

So, grab a glass of wine and listen to your body’s important messages about re-entering a world where sex happens.

“Ouch! That Hurts!”

dry spell

If you’re feeling pain, that might be your body saying:

“Hey there sister, remember me? Your body? The one you’ve been beating up and not taking great care of lately? The one you’ve been feeding Doritos and Coke to at midnight and then expecting me to relax and fall asleep? The one you’ve been neglecting to give any exercise to, other than that walk back and forth to the refrigerator?

“Look, lady – I want it just as much as you do. I mean, let’s face it. It’s been awhile. But please, for the love of God, try and remember that we are both out of practice, and that maybe my parts don’t move that way anymore. We need to train for this. Until then, and for now, be gentle.”

Did some weird, unusual sounds happen?

If you’re surprised by your new vocal reactions, your body is probably trying to say:

“So, the last time that you and I went down this sex road, I was just a tad more of a spring chicken. I, your body, may have been a lot more silent in the bedroom. Now – and I hate to mention this, but things might be a bit … well … louder. There may be flatulence involved. Just sayin’. Maybe you might be trying to kiss your lover and have a hot make-out session, when suddenly your insides feel like they might explode, and then … BURPPP!!!! Yeah.

“You see, 5 years ago, when we had sex for the last time, I was able to eat a big bowl of chili and have zero side effects whatsoever. Now? That chili residue ends up wafting in the air, seconds after your sexy kissing session. So, be careful what you eat before love-making, and it will reduce the noises involved. Capisce? Good.”

“Maybe we should practice together…”

Your body may may be feeling neglected, especially when it tells you a story like this:

“The only action I ever get is when your hands and fingers graze over me while you’re in the shower and applying body gel. Or when your back is itchy and you scratch it with one of those long back scratcher type things. Hell, the other day I felt your fingers wandering down in the direction of your honeypot, and I thought: ‘Finally! She’s gonna give me a little somethin somethin.’ But no. You were just getting prepared to shave your naughty bits, and all I felt was razor burn.

“It’s time for me to make a demand of you. PLAY WITH YOURSELF ALREADY!!! SWEET JESUS, I NEED TO BE TOUCHED!!! Look, its been a long time since you’ve had some intimacy. You may have changed your mind about how you like to be touched, what feels good. How will you know what to tell your partner if you haven’t tested the product in ages? You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one. Dim the lights. Put on those silky panties that accentuate my delicious curves, throw on some Marvin Gaye, and let’s get it on.”

“I’m different now.”

You might need to give your body a pep talk. Really listen when it explains your mutual history, as if it were saying:

“We’ve been through a lot, you and I. And even though this body might be a bit less perfect or tight than the last time we did this, I feel good. Actually, I feel great. I’m no longer as concerned with how I look in this position or that one – I just want to feel good. Let’s get this party started.”

“Your sex life ain’t the only thing dry, honey.”

Let there be no shame in admitting that you may need a bit of lube to get things started. Hey, it’s no one’s fault. Your body may quip:

“The last time you touched your bush, the first Bush was still in office — and you still had a bush. Now, it’s smooth sailing down here, but it may feel more like a desert until we get some real practice in. Until then, let’s invest in some K-Y Jelly, and be on our way to heavenly bliss.”

“I’m a little bit kinkier now. How about you?”

Let your mind go where your body wants to go. Try something new.

“And hey, what do you have to lose?” your body may be telling you. “If you don’t like it, you just don’t do it anymore. But imagine if you DO like it! Then you just gave us both future hours and hours of pleasure. Last time we did this sex thing, you might not have been this open-minded, and I wasn’t this willing to go along. But now —why not? Right? Let’s go discover what our turn-ons are today. I promise you, our new sexual adventures will be a thousand times better than yet another Grey’s Anatomy marathon.”

So, what’s your body telling you?

Spend some time listening to your body before throwing a bucket of water on that dry spell. It’ll make it an infinitely more enjoyable experience as you re-enter your sexual world.

Need some encouragement to break that dry spell? Consider this article about how sex is good for your health, and this one about elevating your pleasure with meditation. 

6 Intimacy Techniques To Try When “Sex” Is Temporarily Not An Option

by Kelley Lynnin Sex, SEX TIPS

When your sex drive is “out of order,” here are some intimacy techniques to keep things spicy and hot!

Women’s magazines love to talk a good game with stories about people who seem to be constantly having amazing sex. In their imaginary world, couples are having sex with each other pretty much all the time, and you read these headlines that say things like: “How often should you be having sex with your partner?” or “Are you having enough sex to satisfy your partner?” and, suddenly, you feel like a failure before you have even done anything.

The truth is, the real world is much different than what traditional media show.

There are a myriad of reasons why usually sexually active couples might not be having penetrative sex.

If you’re in a relationship that regularly has sex, there are many things that can put “traditional” sex on hold. Things like low sex-drive, depression, long or short-term illnesses, injuries, pregnancies, post-pregnancy issues, stamina issues, vaginismus, side effects from medications, diabetes, age, and those periods in time when you’re simply just not feelin’ it.

And although this is certainly something to adjust to and come to terms with, it does not mean that intimacy and deep connection is not possible. There are many ways in which a couple can become and remain close, without having “traditional” intercourse.

Some of the following examples are sexual, and others aren’t. But they will all help you to stay intimate with one another. Finding creative ways to stay connected can mean the difference between a “blah” relationship and one with endless fireworks.

romantic date

Here are some great intimacy techniques to try, when penetrative intercourse isn’t an option:

1. Massage & intimate touch

Touching one another is a fantastic way to remain intimate. Often times, when intercourse and orgasm is the primary focus, things can become somewhat robotic or routine, and you may stop paying attention to the details of your partner’s body. These areas carry erogenous zones, and can act as just as much of a turn-on as the obvious “go to” spots. Touch your partner. Everywhere. Take turns giving each other full body rubdowns or massages. Use oils and lotions to help enhance or change the feeling of the touch. Light some candles, put on some music, and ease each other into a world of relaxation and romance.

2. Cuddling

Different from the interactivity of massage or intentional touch, this is the comforting act of holding one another. Yes, it sounds corny, but there is truly nothing like being held by the person you love. It sends a feeling of calm and peacefulness through their body, and it definitely creates a closeness between the two of you that is tough to achieve any other way. Embracing in the silence of each other’s arms is comforting and reassuring of your connection.

3. Make-out sessions

Often times when sex has been the focus of a couple’s intimate experiences, kissing can get lost inside all the action. In my opinion, kissing is underrated, and if you really spend some good quality time on kissing and making out with one another, it can be a huge turn-on. My partner and I sometimes have contests with ourselves, to see if we can lock lips for five minutes straight, or during the commercials of a TV show we are watching. Turning kissing into a game or competition can be super fun, and a great way to spice things up when sex isn’t in the picture.

young lovers are cuddling in the bed looking deep into eyes

4. Oral sex

If penetrative intercourse is not an option for whatever reason, but oral pleasure is, then by all means, go for it! Oral pleasure is a sure fire way to orgasm for both parties, and is very erotic and fun. There are also many ways and many positions to try this in, both when receiving and giving, so it can be different each time. Playing with senses such as warm and cool, taste enhancers, and edible oils can also be fun.

5. Stare at each other

…not in a creepy way, of course, but in a silent, deep connecting kind of way. Sometimes we get caught up in the loudness of everything or the fast-paced world we all live in. Take a few moments, or set a timer even, where talking is not allowed, and try to simply focus on each other’s breath, faces, eyes, and other details. This can be quite satisfying, when practiced regularly. I have recently done a lot of this “deep staring” with my partner, and it is a beautiful way to get lost in each other. When we do this, it feels really connected and emotional, in the very best of ways. And for an added activity, try also asking these New York Times approved questions that are “guaranteed” to make you fall deeper in love.

6. Extreme teasing

This is where you bring each other to the brink of orgasm, and then stop, and then start, or switch to a new area on their body. Lots of kissing, touching, caressing, and a combination of the senses is what this entails and accomplishes. You can include many things in your teasing, such as toys or props, to make things even more interesting. Blindfolds, dildos, stimulators, body paints, or whatever else makes you happy.

The bottom line is, the more you can find out what makes the other person tick, the more fun you will have together.

Open-mindedness and communication are everything, especially when intercourse is either limited or not possible. You can still find ways to connect, both physically, and emotionally. Try some of these suggestions tonight, and see for yourself just how fun and fresh your sex life can be, even without intercourse.

If you’d like to read about other intimacy techniques, check out these 21 things to try in long term relationships. Or these 11 ideas for newlyweds!