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More Into P*rn than You–What Do You Do?

by zfortadminin Mind

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

Is it normal for my husband to be more into porn than into me?

I got married 4 years ago. From the beginning I have had a feeling that my husband is not emotionally attached to me. Now we talk very little. He is always busy internet surfing or playing games. I feel so lonely.

He is not interested in sex any more. It has been 2 months since we had sex. I have caught him masturbating so many times while watching porn. But whenever I try to join in or do sexy stuff with him, he refuses or remains quiet.

This all hurt too much. I love him and want to be with him. All I want is to be loved and to have his time. I tried to talk to him but he refuses or says it’s not a problem or gets angry.

I feel like porn has come between my relationship and I am blaming myself. Pornography is evil. What should I do to be loved by him!

Signed,

Broken Woman

Dearest Sacred Bombshell,

First of all, you are not broken. You are a whole and complete woman no matter what is happening to you in your relationship, bedroom, or life.

You have nothing to blame yourself for. A man — or woman — cannot be driven to porn by anything his or her partner does. Read that sentence again. Your husband is an adult. He is the only one responsible for his choices. Your husband should absolutely not be choosing porn over you. That is beyond problematic.

Your question, “What can I do to be loved by him?” is also extremely troubling. That set off all of my alarms; not only as Life Coach but also as a woman. There is no right thing that you can do to be loved by the wrong person. Someone either loves and accepts who you are or they don’t.

You say that your husband has not been emotionally into you. Is it possible that your husband may be depressed and not have the emotional ability to express his sadness? Did something transformative happen personally or professionally around the time that his behavior changed?

If someone wants to numb and avoid their real lives, they can become addicted to anything. Porn is your husband’s drug of choice. It is not the adult films that are evil. The issue is that you are sad and lonely in a non-communicative marriage with no emotional or sexual intimacy. If your husband is addicted to pornography, you cannot have a healthy relationship. You can’t have a healthy relationship with an addict.

Ask your husband to join you in therapy ASAP. Show him this post. Tell him that this is a 911 situation. Let him know that you have been feeling sad and lonely in your relationship. Meanwhile, you may both find support in a 12-step group. Please note that this is not intended to treat or diagnose any illness or condition. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his own well-being.

Be Broken Ministries is a group for men struggling with porn addiction. FightTheNewDrug.org is an online recovery program and Sexaholics Anonymous at SA.org can be a great place for you both to find support.

I called you a Sacred Bombshell because I have reclaimed the word “bombshell” to mean a woman who loves, honors, and cherishes herself in mind, body, and spirit. This is what I want for you. You deserve to feel love and connection in your relationship. You deserve your man’s love and his time. Whether your husband acknowledges the issues or chooses remains in denial, I urge you to get support for yourself immediately.

Passionately yours,

Abiola

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

His Reactions Mystify You

by zfortadminin SEX TIPS

Many ballsy women are afraid to say ‘Please do this’ or ‘Don’t do that’ in bed. Here’s what some women are really thinking.

Our sexist culture unleashes many forms of toxic socialization on its inhabitants, but few lessons seem to take as well as teaching girls from the cradle to coddle the male ego, not just with flattery but with a deep unwillingness to speak truths that could cause men to feel uncomfortable or imperfect. And nowhere is this less true than in the sack. Many a woman who feels herself a ballsy broad in her daily life finds herself in bed, afraid to say “Please do this” or “Don’t do that” for fear of confronting a man looking shocked, upset, or disappointed—which can push a button installed in us as little girls labeled Failure As A Woman.

We know we should get over it already. We know we should speak up and take our lumps and men who can’t handle it are bad lovers we should be dumping anyway. It’s not like we’re not trying. The female half of the human race spends an ungodly amount of time and money trying to unlearn passivity and replace it with a dose of speaking up for themselves.

In the meantime, however, there’s a number of things women are thinking about sex that tend to go unsaid, but you men should probably know them anyway.

1. We can tell when you’re doing something because you saw it in a porno.

Most sex in porn is about what’s good for the camera, not what’s good for the participants in it, especially the women. In fact, many things that look good in porn can keep us from having fun in real-life sex. For instance, in porn the only parts of their bodies the actors often touch are their genitals, so that the camera can get a full view of the action. But in real life, sex is more of a whole-body experience, and the genital-only thing can feel cold and masturbatory.

Of course, we know that men know this, and most would deny that they’re doing stuff because it looked good in a porn and not because it felt good in the moment. So we’d rather not bring it up when you do stuff that looks better in porn than it feels in life. We don’t want to argue over whether or not that’s what you’re doing. But when you do something you picked up in a porn that doesn’t add to the real-life pleasure, we take notice and we’re often hoping you get it out of your system so we can move on to activities that are actually fun.

2. Endurance is overrated.

It’s not that cultural jokes about two-pump chumps are completely baseless. Women do like having sex, and most of us can point to at least one or two experiences where a man orgasmed as soon as he touched you, and then rolled over and fell asleep while you wondered if that was all you’re going to get. But just because women would prefer intercourse to last more than 60 seconds doesn’t mean that longer is always better. If you consider a point of pride that you can thrust away for an hour without coming, there’s a high chance your partner is lying under you wondering how on earth she can say she’d have liked to wrap it up 40 minutes ago, but is afraid to say anything because she doesn’t want to stomp all over your accomplishments. The vagina’s ability to continue lubricating itself is limited, which can make marathon sex feel more like a duty than a joy.

3. We actually do know what will get us to orgasm.

Are you trying this and then trying that and finding nothing works to get her there? There’s a strong possibility she actually knows exactly what needs to happen, because she’s had practice masturbating, but is afraid to say so because her path to orgasm has been perceived by other men or the culture at large as bitchy or emasculating. She might feel that bringing a vibrator in bed will make you feel like less than a man, or she might worry that having you eat her out at length is boring for you. So she won’t ask. If you suspect this might be the case, it’s well worth bringing up. But don’t do it during sex, when fear of judgment is that much higher. While you’re sitting on the couch watching American Idol will lower the stakes of this discussion tremendously.

4. “Getting there” is more trouble than it’s worth.

This is only true for a minority of women, but when I put the call out on Twitter for women to tell me what they don’t tell men, the women who said this were the most passionate respondents. For women who have trouble orgasming, sex could be fun, but it isn’t not because of their lack of orgasm so much as their fear they’ll disappoint their partners. They find themselves avoiding sex because they don’t want to have to endure endless attempts to bring forth an orgasm that will never come, but they still like to masturbate, even if they usually can’t reach orgasm. So, when you’re having that talk explaining that you’re not going to freak out if she starts speaking up about her needs, be clear that you’re not going to judge her if she’s feeling like orgasms don’t have to be the star of the show every time she has sex.

Many women don’t fake orgasms. But pretty much all women turn the volume up on the ones they do have, because they know you like it. This isn’t lying, but embellishment, and it would be nice if men returned the favor. Sex is no time for masculine stoicism. A little verbal appreciation in the form of moaning and groaning makes a nice two-way street.

5. Our bodies are very sensitive when aroused, so err on the gentle side.

When I put the call out for suggestions for this article, this was probably the No. 1 category, with comments like, “That’s a clitoris, not an elevator button.” Nipple-twisting was also denounced, and one woman noted that not every woman is a fan of finger-banging, which can feel rough and sort of pointless. Men who dive at your genitals with their mouths were appreciated for their enthusiasm, but not so much for their technique. Overall, the feeling was that more pressure can be added as needed, but the shock to the system of having someone overdo it can be a major turnoff.

Obviously, every woman is different, and even with these most general of guidelines, you’ll find dissenters. Communication between partners is the ideal. But have some sympathy on women who haven’t read enough self-help books or seen enough therapists to overcome their fear of speaking up. You might find that having patience and understanding will make it easier to draw them out over the long run. To encourage more communication, don’t make faces or act like your ego is hurt when women do push themselves to speak up. It likely took a lot of courage to do so in the first place.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

8 Lovemaking Techniques to Create a Deeper Connection With Your Partner

by zfortadminin Sex

Here’s how to improve your connection with your partner.

Mindfulness is being in the present moment with total awareness. But the one area where we can be the least present is in our relationships, and that includes our most intimate ones.

Mindful love-making is a whole new approach to being intimate with awareness, which means having sex not only for the sheer pleasure of it, but with our mind, body, and spirit combined, and as thoughtfully engaged as possible. Loving your partner mindfully will enhance the quality of your sex, and increase the closeness you experience together significantly. Not only will it become the type of love-making you crave, but it will be the only type of love-making you desire to give your partner.

Here are several ways to connect with your partner mindfully, and be as fully present as you can in the bedroom:

The best lovemaking is when two people are 100 percent present with each other, which means they are completely aware and sensitive of one another’s needs.

A good way to make that happen is to set aside a special time for you and your partner to have sex. That way, you know that you’re bringing your complete attention to them, and that they are getting all of you in the experience, which is a turn-on.

Mindful lovemaking can happen when both people are fully present without distraction.

Put your gadgets away. That means no phones nearby, or anything electronic that could go off and distract you. Being fully present with your partner means that you need nothing other than them to satisfy you.

Making love mindfully means being fully attuned to someone else’s body and needs.

Communicate to your partner either verbally or through touch how much you want to satisfy them. Giving them all of your attention increases stimulation and satisfaction.

Think of what would make your partner happy or satisfy them.

Showing your partner that you’ve taken the time to figure out what would excite them sexually lets them know that you care about them, and that they are very important to you.

Try surprising your partner by doing something you know they would love.

Have a bath ready with candles around it, or cover the bed with rose petals.  Have their favorite music playing, or aromatherapy oil wafting from a diffuser. Think of creative ways to set the mood for optimum lovemaking.

Ask your partner if they would like to be massaged before you hurry into lovemaking.

Make sure not to rush, and to take it slow. By being fully in the present, your senses are much more alive, which makes everything you’re touching and everything you’re feeling much more enhanced.

Make sure to put your partner’s pleasure before your own.

Show them how much you want to please them, and let them know how much you love being with them intimately. Make them feel that they are the most desirable person in the world to you. Your passion for them ignites their own even more.

After lovemaking, hold your partner.

Allow yourself to fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What You Never Tell Him About Sex But He Needs to Know

by zfortadminin Sex

Women are mysterious creatures. While they’re great at displaying emotions, often they’ll hide their hidden desires. And this is especially true when it comes to what they like in the bedroom.

The truth is women have many secrets about what they like AND what they don’t like from guys during sex. Probably right at this moment, your woman really wants you do things during sex which you not be aware of. If you can discover her hidden desires, then you’ll rock her world.

To get an idea of what I’m talking about, here 5 of the most common sex secrets she probably will never reveal to you, which again given the brilliance of our girls are not wanted all the time…

Secret #1- She doesn’t want you to go for hours

Many guys think the key to pleasing a woman is to have the sexual stamina of a marathon runner and go for hours. The problem is women get tired (and sore) during a long sex session. Secretly your woman wants you to please her without subjecting her to a lengthy sex session. If you can please her in a half an hour, then she really won’t care if you can go for hours.

Secret #2- She sometimes wants sex, not romance

While all women profess a love for romantic lovemaking filled with candles and soft music, sometimes they want sex to be a little dirty… and well sometimes downright primal. Even though romance is an important part of the sexual experience, there are often moments when you can score some serious points simply by acting in a VERY non-romantic manner. For instance, she’ll sometimes wants you to simply rip her clothes off and have a quickie.

Secret # – She wants YOU to be in control

It’s a simple truth. Women want to be with men who act like MEN. This means you should never behave in a lower status man and act like you don’t know what you’re doing in the bedroom. Simply put, you have to act like a man when you’re having sex.

Being a man is about knowing the specific things which pleases your woman and then DOING them. So when you’re in the bedroom, don’t act timid or shy. Instead give off the aura that you’re completely confident during sex and you’re in complete control of her pleasure.

Secret #4- She wants to try new things

There are a lot of different sexual experiences your woman secretly wants. Whether it’s a bit of roleplaying, threesomes or even the “big A”, she’s probably privately fantasizing about stuff you can with her (or to her). The important thing to remember is everybody has fantasies. Your job is to coax them out of her and then work hard to fulfill them.

Secret #5- She wants it in the morning

Guys are known for the ability to be ready for sex in 3.5 seconds. Women on the other hand profess a desire for extensive foreplay. That’s the reason why many guys think women don’t want a “quickie” in the morning. However the truth is a lot of women secretly want a bit of sex in the morning before they start the day. Simply try to initiate things in the morning and you’ll be surprised at her response

Women have lots of secrets they keep from men. But if you can reveal her secret desires in the bedroom then you’ll quickly become her perfect lover.

So look for the warning signs of the 5 secrets I discussed in this article, and you’ll be on your way towards sexually pleasing her.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Why Sexuality is the Hot Topic in Holistic & Alternative Medicine

by Anita Teresa Boeningerin Mind, Sex

What is the only thing left out of the holistic paradigm?

It’s called S-E-X.

Holistic health professionals will talk about everything from gut health & nutrition, exercise, acupuncture, and neti pots…but they tip toe around sex. Why is that? It is still a taboo topic. It’s an area of life that brings up discomfort and uncertainty for the majority of people in our society. Another reason is the lack of training and education. It is simply left out of professional trainings—even those who deal directly with the human reproductive system, such as gynecologists and urologists—don’t receive adequate training on sexuality. The average reproductive system specialist spends 7-8 years getting medical training, and out of those years, spends roughly 3 hours learning about sexuality! This is analogous to the training most allopathic medicine doctors get in nutrition—about 3 hours. See a parallel here?

Fortunately, the landscape is changing. The future of integrative medicine includes sexuality. How do I know this? Holistic health guru Dr. Andrew Weil is editing a series of books on Integrative Medicine, and one of those books is on Integrative Sexuality. This is the next hot topic! For those holistic health practitioners who want to stay relevant, they must start paying attention to the salient topic of sex. And for those of us who are passionate about health & wellness, it’s time to evolve the context for sex beyond just the bedroom and into the domain of health at large. After all, sexuality is the root of all our biological systems. It’s how we got here, for goodness sake!

That’s why I gathered the best in the industry to talk about this charged subject during the Sex & Medicine Summit, so we could start creating a new narrative for this important topic. What I learned from doing that series of interviews was just how vast this topic is, how it touches every area of life, and how much this conversation is needed in medical schools, board rooms, grand rounds, and health coaching trainings (well… pretty much every helping profession training). The time to start this conversation is now. Why wait until someone else initiates it?

So many questions linger in the back of people’s minds, and they wonder if they’re crazy, if they’re the only ones who struggle with issues like erectile dysfunction, strange-smelling vaginal discharge, HPV, lack of desire, body image issues (including concern about the shape and size of genitals), sexual “aberrations,” extreme hormonal swings, and much more. Once we reach a critical mass of willingness to show up and talk about our sexuality in a safe and open way, the taboo will start dropping away. The shame will dissolve. The alienation and passivity will shift into vibrancy, a pleasure-positive lifestyle, and freedom of expression. And all this leads to greater health and well-being. Healthy sexuality, to me, is the foundation of true health. Even if you are physically fit, eat well, sleep 8 hours a night, but don’t aren’t having regular, nourishing sex, (either with self or another) then you are cut off from your essential expression—you are cut off from the very source of life.

My vision for the future of integrative health is that naturopaths, health coaches, and other healing arts professionals will include sexual healing modalities in their prescriptive process. They will refer their patients and clients to the appropriate sexual health professionals in their network. They will address sexuality openly and respectfully with their clients, so that they feel safe and empowered to take charge of this delicate and incredibly powerful aspect of their life. I envision more leaders in the health field initiating discussions on the topic of sex and medicine, instead of leaving this area of life to the purview of the porn and entertainment industry, where it has languished long enough. Taking charge of your health & your health must include sexual mastery on ever-increasing levels. And it can be a most pleasurable journey!

Will You Have an Epic Sex Life? Here is the Chemistry Test

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

Find out if you and your partner is a perfect sexual match.

Having a similar sex drive as your partner will definitely keep things hot in the bedroom, but having different sexual preferences is actually the key to long-lasting sex life, says a new study.

The research, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, examined similar sexual preferences and complementary sexual preferences and how each influenced sexual compatibility and satisfaction within a relationship. (In this case, an example of similar sexual preferences was both enjoying oral sex or both enjoying being dominant in bed, while complementary preferences would look like one partner preferring to be on top while the other likes to be on bottom.) Scientists surveyed 304 heterosexual couples between the ages of 18 to 65 who were dating, engaged, or married. Some had been together only one month, while others had been together for over 30 years. Using the Sexual Activity Inventory, the couples responded to questions about their sexual fantasies and positive and negative aspects of their sex lives, including questions about what their partner did and didn’t like to do in bed. Then, they each ranked their level of sexual satisfaction in their current relationship.

The results showed that having complementary sexual preferences—rather than the exact same ones—correlated to higher sexual satisfaction. Essentially this meant that bottoms liked to be with tops and givers liked to be with receivers. It’s not exactly suprising; it makes sense that someone who likes to take the reins in bed would have better sexual chemistry with someone who is a little more submissive, rather than someone else who likes to dominate. So if your partner loves giving oral and you love receiving it, you’re obviously a match made in sexual heaven. Basically, your favorite sexual behaviors complement each other.

Interestingly, the study also found that men have a pretty big responsibility when it comes to maintaining that sexual chemistry. When guys were better able to predict what turned their partners on, they ranked their sex lives more positively and so did their partners. So why not give them a little help by letting them know exactly what you like in bed? It’s pretty much guaranteed to put your sexual satisfaction—and his—through the roof.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Why Are You Thankful For Sex?

by zfortadminin Sex

Thanksgiving!

In the spirit of the holiday, I’ve put together a list of 10 reasons I’m thankful for sex. I’m sure we can all agree there are many more than 10 reasons to be thankful for sexy time, but there is football to be watched, online sales to be shopped and pumpkin pie to be eaten. There just isn’t enough time in this day to say all my Thank You’s.

So, here goes.
My big, fat thank you to fornication!

1. Orgasms. ‘Nuff said.

2. Sex releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. They also make your hair shiny and skin smooth.

3. Sex makes babies. Babies are cute (as long as they’re not mine).

4. Sex is free (usually) and fun (usually).

5. Sex helps me connect with people. And not just the people I have sex with. Sex gives me dirty details to dish to my friends, the Internet, or even strangers on the subway.

6. Sex gives me something to write about every week. Which looks good on my resume. Which will help get me a job. Sex will get me a job!

7. Sex gives me something to daydream about during my long, boring biology lectures. (My professor may drone on, but he’s banging and I can only imagine what’s going on under those pleated khakis.)

8. Sex burns calories. Up to 300 an hour! So after today’s feast, it will only take about 25 hours of sex to burn it all off.

9. Sex helps me fall asleep at night, which is a much healthier habit than relying on sleeping pills. Plus it’s more fun. See #4.

10. Sex made me! I’d rather not think about the specifics, but some day a long time ago my parents had (gasp) sex and now here I am. And that is definitely something I can be thankful for.

Why are you thankful for sex?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

7 Intoxicating Sex Positions

by zfortadminin Sex

For those times when you want to get a little bit ~intimate~.

Sometimes all you want is the kind of daring, delightfully dirty sex that would make Christian Grey wonder what the eff he’d gotten himself into. But on other occasions, you may prefer something that feels a little more emotionally raw, like you and your partner have fused into one amazing-sex-having being. Here, seven positions to try when you’re craving the sexual equivalent of the heart-eyed emoji.

1. Spooning

If you’re the big spoon, you get to play the role of the protector. As the little spoon, you feel enveloped in a cocoon of sexiness and security. Another point in this position’s corner: when you’re on the inside, your partner can try manual stimulation, penetration, or both if that’s what you’re into. Double duty is always a winner.

Netflix via shawshankedbylindsey.tumblr.com

2. Wraparound

Change things up from missionary position by wrapping your legs around your partner’s back so you can draw them in deeper. Not knowing where one of you ends and the other begins can translate into sex so good, you’re tempted to walk down the street with a megaphone and broadcast a play-by-play.

3. Sideways

It’s the face-to-face version of spooning, so you have the added benefit of being able to gaze into each other’s eyes, thus getting one step closer to peak sappiness. If you’re feeling inspired enough to turn your session into something sweeter than even the best of desserts, you can caress your partner’s face and whisper all the things that usually feel too intimate to say. Chances are they’ll return the favor.

4. Starfish

Yes, Marnie had a bad experience with a version of this on Girls (remember Booth Jonathan and the sassy doll?), but it can still result in electric sex with the right person. To get there, lie on your back, extending your arms and legs like you know you’re the prettiest starfish in the sea. Beckon your partner over and ask them to lie on top of you, matching each of their limbs up with yours. It’ll feel like you’re touching every inch of each other, and as a bonus, you can do a lot of kissing.

Pixar via mund0-meu.tumblr.com

5. Modified Doggy

This simple variation on doggy style can bring you closer, both literally and figuratively. Lie flat on your stomach and have your partner position themselves between your legs to enter from behind, or reach down with their hand. You’ll get full-body contact, and an easy turn of your head makes it possible to kiss throughout the action.

6. Straddling

Ask your partner to sit with crossed legs, then settle in on top of them, wrapping your legs around their hips. You’ll both benefit from the eye contact, and if you’re having sex with a guy, it’s tough to do regular old in-and-out thrusting. No matter who you’re trying this out with, you can rely on grinding and friction instead. It’s like switching from hyped up hip-hop to smooth R&B, except during sex so it’s way more fun.

7. However you like it!

Maybe you think the above moves are perfectly nice, but what really makes you feel more in love is submitting to someone else during role-play or looking down into their eyes while you do your thing on top. Even more than certain positions, vulnerability is what ups the emotional ante during sex. Something that seems hardcore to one person might translate into major swooning for you, and vice versa. In that case, the only thing you can do to figure it all out is lots of experimenting. Who knew homework could be so much fun?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Are You Paying Attention to Your Sexual Soul?

by zfortadminin Mind, Sex, Wellness

Ignoring this vital source of life has caused a lot of pain and distress for many people. Making peace with it, though, can open you up to deep wells of pleasure.

The human desire for connection runs deep, like a river that winds through an individual’s heart. If this river-like phenomenon can be compared to human sexuality, then it can run through different rhythmic patterns.

Some spots will be filled with passionate torrents; others will be serene and calm. Maneuvering along this river in a boat named “LIFE” is truly one of the human being’s greatest adventures. From a soul perspective, sexuality is a merging of both masculine and feminine energies into one. We all have these special gifts that lie within us.

Yet there can be so much confusion and angst within a person who is lacking this spiritual, sexual intimacy. An artist has found a way to bring these elements to life through their work. When the creative’s connection to intimacy gets stifled, then there is no energy left for creation. What causes this lack of creativity? It might be that the sexual soul has suffered an interruption in its internal program of love and light.

A picture, it is said, is worth a thousand words. One famous picture of art deftly displays the power of mixing masculine and feminine energy, awakening the sexual soul to life. In the artwork, both man and woman are represented as streams of energy merging together. The male’s energy enters the woman, and flows through her body to the crown of her head. The woman’s energy flows out from the crown of her head into the crown of the man’s head, thereby resulting in a never-ending circular stream of energy between both people.

The sexual soul’s purpose is to keep us alive and vibrant. Honestly, though, the struggle to make peace with this sacred part of our humanity gets short shrift. There are men and women who have suffered deep scars and wounds from sexual abuse and degradation in their formative years. Responsible adults took advantage of them, making these precious young souls their sexual playmates. I use the term “playmate” carefully because the harm that comes from this abusive way of life sends the sexual soul reeling for its own true path. People can get caught up in abusing their sexuality through daily use of prostitutes, pornography or even cutting themselves from the shame, guilt and fear that haunt them.

It is clear to me that some people find using prostitutes and pornography in their sexual lives as no big deal. So be it. Moralists definitely have trouble reconciling anything like this concept within them. Sometimes, it is the moralist who finds themselves engaged in these activities under the shadows of the night.

What does healing from this behavior look like? Certainly, there must be a better way than to cut off all sexuality from a person’s life. Look friends, while monks and nuns take vows of celibacy for their religious orders, it is hard to believe they don’t have sexual energy within them. They are living, breathing human beings. Therefore, they must have this vital source of life flowing through them, too. Of course, you can definitely make the case that this is not so and say that I’m reaching for some nebulous idea that makes no sense. That’s fine. Just remember, though, that the same energy that flows through you flows through me. It can be at different levels because of lifestyle, environment, false beliefs, true beliefs, etc. But I cannot deny the fact that I have a sexual soul. You do, too.

Writing about this subject matter for me is quite challenging. I have to dig deep within my own sexual soul to come up with words. There is nothing wrong with the fact that I have a desire for a healthy, loving, intimate, sexual relationship with a woman. Yes, I know there are men and women who will read this and are my LGBT brothers and sisters. I’d want the same thing for you, too. One theory bandied about among people looking for a more intimate path involves developing this type of connection through acts of service. From being involved with causes that matter to you personally or giving time to charitable organizations and groups, among many other types of service, it gets a man or woman out of their own inner struggle (if there is one) and allows a soul to mend. This can bring a lot of fulfillment and gratitude to an individual while he or she seeks nurture and security.

The sexual soul, again, is a vital part of life. It is the life force that helps bring human beings to life. Doesn’t it make a little sense to take time and really grasp what may cause you from enjoying this aspect of life? It would take another column for me to explain all the ups, downs and circles involving my own sexual soul over my lifetime. There have been relatively few healthy sexual experiences. I’ve delved into, for me, some of the darkest areas around sex that no person should be left to explore by themselves. The atypical “dark-room-and-socks” experience has typified my sexuality for far too long.

Thankfully, I’ve been able to move from this place into a spot where I can deeply appreciate my own sexual energy. I don’t waste it on experiences that deplete this source of love and intimacy. My sexual soul is active and vibrant, despite not having a girlfriend in my life right now. Opening myself up to new ways of intimacy is not easy. It’s scary and frightening, yet I’d rather take this path now than continuing on an internal mission of soulful destruction.

As much as my own sexual soul deserves attention, so does yours. I am definitely not the final answer when it comes to human sexuality, and for that you can be grateful. However it looks and whatever form or destination awaits you, I highly recommend giving your own sexual soul the love, attention, nurturing and grace that it so deserves. You will be a better person for doing so, and the world will bow at your feet.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Is Sex Always on Your Mind?

by zfortadminin Sex

At the most basic level, sex and gender are the first defining factors we notice when we meet someone for the first time.

Sex, in this case, refers to someone’s biological gender, and the most elementary definition of gender is which sex organ a person has, and therefore (we assume) uses.

Of course, biology isn’t the only defining factor in how someone identifies. Someone’s biological sex can deviate from their own gender identity, and both biological sex and gender identity are far from binary subjects. However, our society has taught us to judge someone’s gender by their physical appearance.

Beautiful romantic woman / girl brunette lying on the bed in herIf someone’s appearance seems ambiguous, the next question people will most likely ask themselves is what that person’s sexual orientation is. These categories we put people in are the beginnings of a question that spreads through all corners of life: Is sex all we think about?

Advertisers sure think so. Everything on the market is sold to us through sexualizing a product, most often by objectifying women and further defining what it means to be masculine or feminine within our society.

Clearly the formula for making the most unsexy object, like a hamburger for instance, into something sexually appealing is just to have a dripping, tan, half-naked woman seductively putting her mouth around a bun. If advertisers think products need to be sexy in order for people to be interested in them, this definitely says something about our society’s priorities.

Sexual culture also plays a major role in defining relationships. Even today as we move toward a more “gender neutral” world (emphasis on move), it is still traditionally abnormal when a man and woman have a completely platonic relationship, or for someone of the LGBTQIA+ community not to have a sexual relationship with someone they are “supposed” to be attracted to.

The images projected on our society about male and female roles cause relationships between people of different genders to be subjected to sexual standards. There is an idea that the “right way” to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender is a sexual one and, if that doesn’t happen, it is written off in a negative light as “the friend zone.”

The base of attraction is sexual: Every time we check out someone — or ourselves in the mirror — are we subconsciously thinking about sex? Even using the term “making love” interchangeably with “sex” has created unnecessary focus on the physical act of sex within our society. This terminology suggests love cannot exist without sex, and sex cannot exist without love. Imagine the pressure.

From the first words we hear in this world — “It’s a [insert gender here]” — our biological sex is the basis for how we create our identity. From then on, there are images of sex all around us: images about how men and women are supposed to present themselves, how they are supposed to act in relationships, or what kind of sexual attraction they are supposed to feel toward each other.

The next time you meet someone for the first time, challenge yourself not to create an opinion confined by sex and gender — you might start to notice how ingrained the tendency is.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Giving Kinky a Try with Your Boyfriend

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

Who’s feeling kinky? Frisky, raunchy, saucy? Just me?

Well, my friends, I got my hands on a copy of The Book of Kink: Sex Beyond the Missionary by Eva Christina, and I’ve been doing a little reading. OK, a lot of reading. And I’ve scoped out the least scary, couple-friendly, kinky things to try this weekend. Give one (or more) a go!

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Behold, my top picks from the almighty kink book to try this weekend and what my trooper (ha!) of a boyfriend, J, has to say about ’em:

1. Acousticophilia:

“Sounds are sexually arousing, whether it’s grunting, music or the simple click of a nail against a desk. Of course, there are certain types of music that are sexually provocative, but some may get more in tune with it than others.”

My take – Maybe I can simply be a little more vocal during sexy time? Or, maybe we can get a little romantic and make a sexy time playlist. J is the music man, he should be able to put something together!

J’s take – Whenever you dull one sense, the others are heightened… I think I’m more into the blindfold thing myself, but I guess this could be interesting.

2. Vincilagnia (or Rope Bondage):

“Tying up someone can be a thrill, for both the tied up and the one who ties.”

My take – I have a set of pink, furry handcuffs at home with J’s name on them. In our relationship, he’s usually the dominant one, but I think this weekend that’s going to change.

J’s take – Is it Saturday yet?

3. Sploshing:

“This fetish is all about doing everything possible with food, from sitting in it, to rolling around in it, or throwing it. The people into this fetish don’t mind cream pies thrown in their faces or sitting in water or juice. Anything food goes, except eating it. Splosh!”

My take – I think I’m a little too much of a neat freak for this one. I hate the idea of getting messy. BUT, J and I have yet to whip out the whipped cream for foreplay…

J’s take – I feel like this is one of those ideas that would look good on paper but in practice it’s just messy and gross.

4. Uniform Fetish:

“It’s not surprising that people get turned on by someone in uniform, whether it’s a fireman, French maid or cheerleader….Much of it stems from the idea that an authoritative or a submissive figure is taking or giving up control.”

My take – OK, I know J will definitely, definitely approve of this one. First of all, he’s a sucker for sexy outfits. Second, he LOVED this schoolgirl outfit I busted out a couple months ago. Maybe it’s time to bring back my best “Hit Me Baby” Britney impression.

J’s take -YES! I am a sucker for the outfits… but who isnt! Again, is it Saturday yet?

5. Balloon Fetish (or Looner):

“Balloons make children happy. They also make many adults happy. Whether it’s touching, smelling, inflating, popping or just playing with them, people get sexually turned on by balloons.”

My take – Umm, yikes! J and I are going to skip this one. But you should check out The Book of Kink if you want to read more options like this!

J’s take – A definite skip… the only latex that hits our bed will be on my junk.

So, did you learn any new vocab lessons? Do you think you’d try any of these boyfriend-friendly kinky moves this weekend? Are you a fan of kink or are you a little more conservative when it comes down to it? Do you have any other kinky faves?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Long FOREPLAY and SEX Really Last

by zfortadminin Sex

Ever wonder what real women in real bedrooms are doing under the duvet covers?

Glamour surveyed 1,000 young women for their answers on a typical night in, timed. Here’s how many minutes you say foreplay and sex last:

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Average Length of Sex and Foreplay

Less than 5 minutes:

    • Foreplay: 23%
    • Sex: 8%

5 to 9 minutes:

    • Foreplay: 33%
    • Sex: 25%

10 to 14 minutes:

    • Foreplay: 24%
    • Sex: 28%

15 to 19 minutes:

    • Foreplay: 12%
    • Sex: 17%

20 minutes or more:

    • Foreplay: 8%
    • Sex: 22%

So, according to our survey, the majority of you spend 5 to 9 minutes on foreplay and 10 to 14 minutes on sex. How many minutes do you spend?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

6 SEX New Year’s Resolutions for Couples

by zfortadminin Sex

These resolutions sure beat dieting and promising to go to the gym.

Enough with the resolutions about diets and gym memberships. As midlifers, we know there are more important changes to make in your life for improved health and well-being, stronger self-esteem and better relationships. And while a few may involve the kitchen (wink, wink), nobody is talking about dieting here. H/T to Leah Millheiser, Nuelle’s chief scientific officer, for these marvelous Sexolutions:

1. The bedroom will not be used for electronics unless they vibrate.

No, we don’t mean your phone on vibrate mode. Bedrooms are for sleeping, relaxing and love-making. There is no room for smart phones, iPads, laptops or televisions. Bedrooms are sacred spaces and should be afforded their due.

2. Exercise all your muscles.

Working out stimulates the body and the brain and of course helps burn calories and releases endorphins. All good stuff, notes Millheiser. But, ahem, aren’t you forgetting something? The Kegel muscles — AKA the love muscles — wrap around the vagina and anus. Working them helps strengthen the pelvic floor, which supports the bladder, rectum, uterus, and vagina. Kegel exercises can improve your general health, give you better control over urinary and bowel functions, and also make sex sensational again because strong Kegels heighten your arousal, enhance your orgasms, improve blood circulation to the genitals, and increase vaginal tone and lubrication.

3. Think arousing thoughts.

Be in touch with your sensual self. Building self-confidence in your sex life will only improve it, Millheiser notes. Build a mind-body connection. News flash: You won’t be the first person in the world to see George Clooney when you close your eyes.

4. Install a bedroom door lock.

Maybe Millheiser has met your Golden Retriever who moves from the foot of the bed to between Mom and Dad when things start to get interesting. She says it is wise to keep the kids and pets at bay and distractions to a minimum. Clearly she knows from whence she speaks.

5. Talk more, fester less.

Let your partner know what you want. The more you discuss your likes and dislikes, the easier it is to have your needs met. Nobody is a mind reader. Being upset because you think your partner “should know” something makes no sense — and won’t improve your relationship or sex life. Tell them, not your best friend, when things aren’t happening for you.

6. Make it fun.

Sex toys, role-playing, whatever gets your engines revving — go for it.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Be Better in Bed this Year

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

Consider this your better-sex boot camp

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need a working knowledge of 52 sex positions or a background in porn to be ridiculously good in bed. Instead, it comes down to more subtle (and realistic) factors that you may already posses. And if you don’t, we’re here to help you hone the skills you really need to blow your partner’s mind.

YOU’RE NOT JUDGMENTAL

Whether it’s hearing out your partner’s fantasy or allowing yourself to really identify your own, being open to different desires and turn-ons is essential in a partner, says sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First. “Remember it’s all in the realm of fantasy—it’s not something you ever have to do,” says Kerner. So put aside your judgments and really listen to the desires of you and your partner. You may find that you’re into some really interesting stuff. (And if that happens to be BDSM, here’s how to have the “bad girl” sex of your dreams!)

YOU’RE INNOVATIVE

We see the arm of a couch, you see a great prop for doggie style. We see a bra, you see a bondage tool. Being creative and looking for new ways to spice things up is crucial in a lover, says sex and relationship therapist Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples. “Someone who says ‘let’s dress up,’ or ‘let’s go into the closet,’ or anything that’s a bit more interesting is great,” says Schwartz. Get creative with these 11 places you need to have sex at least once in your life.

YOU THINK ABOUT SEX—A LOT

And we don’t just mean while you’re getting busy or whenever you see that so-sexy-it-should-be-illegal guy at your gym. “Sex has a strong mental component,” says Kerner. So pay attention when you have a sensual thought or feel randomly aroused throughout the day, and don’t immediately dismiss it. “Allow yourself to feel eroticized and observe what’s sexy around you,” says Kerner. Still don’t believe your brain and your libido are connected? Check out exactly what’s going on in your brain during an orgasm.

YOU’RE ABLE TO PUT SOMEONE ELSE’S NEEDS ABOVE YOUR OWN

Practicing compassion in every area of your life is clutch, but practicing it in the bedroom can make you a seriously good sex partner. We’re not suggesting youalways put the other person first (after all, your orgasms are important too), but it can be really hot to focus on pleasing your partner every once in a while, just for the sake of satisfying them. “Maybe it’s going for it in the morning when your boyfriend typically wants to have sex,” says Kerner. Or maybe it’s indulging in a position they love or treating them to oral that isn’t just a precursor to the main event, says Kerner. It’s not about being selfless all the time, but rather about treating your partner how you’d like to be treated. We promise, these generous acts will not go unnoticed.

YOU’LL TRY (ALMOST) EVERYTHING ONCE

“It’s hard to be good in bed if you only do what you know and don’t do anything but that,” says Schwartz. “You don’t have to be willing to swing from trees, but you should have that feeling of ‘it could be fun!’ or ‘why not?'” Obviously, if your partner is dying to have a threesome and you’re not into it, then it’s perfectly justified to say no. But when it comes to new tricks, tips, and techniques, we suggest giving it shot—like these six adventurous sex tips from erotic novelists. Hey, you might love it.

YOU ENJOY SOLO TIME

No, not with your Netflix, with your vagina. Someone who is in tune with her body and aware of what feels good will be a better lover and will enjoy sex more. Women can forget how fun and pleasurable masturbation can be, especially when they’re in a relationship; and although some may think that masturbating will make you less interested in sex, very often the opposite is true, says Kerner. So use these self-love tips and check out 21 ways to have even more fun with masturbation. And if you feel like you’re neglecting your partner, there’s no harm in inviting them to watch.

YOU’RE NOT SELF-CONSCIOUS

Think of the best sex you’ve ever had—chances are your partner was passionate, enthusiastic, and just oozing sex appeal. We’re willing to bet they weren’t worried about their body, making sure the lights were off, or complaining about their belly. We’ve said it once and we’ll say it again: Confidence is the sexiest asset you can have. “Someone who says, ‘I’m sexy any way I look,’ pretty much has you believing it,” says Schwartz. For tips, read these 10 ways to be confident, ballsy, and sexy as hell in bed.

YOU KNOW WHEN TO GET A LITTLE LOUD AND CRAZY

Being able to let loose, let go, and be a bit uncensored is a great attribute in a partner. For one thing, you’ll be less inhibited, which is always sexy. Another reason: Men said that one thing they really want in a lover is for them to make some more noise, says Schwartz of a study she conducted for The Normal Bar. “Men aren’t always sure what women want and if she’s enjoying herself if she’s not giving them any direction. They want to use those sounds as direction.” This can be anything from a well-timed moan to words or phrases, like “harder,” “slower,” or “right there.” Get more advice on the art of dirty talk, right here.

YOU’RE SPONTANEOUS

When we asked real men about the hottest thing a woman has ever done during sex, a major theme emerged: taking the reins and doing something surprising or spontaneous. From waking them up with a blowjob or waiting on the bed in lingerie, these are little things that make a huge impact because they’re so out-of-the-blue. Get some ideas with these sex tips from real women.

YOU’RE PHYSICALLY FIT

Researchers know that being physically fit and active is a big aphrodisiac for women, but it can also make you better in bed. For instance, exercise boosts focus, revs up your libido, enhances your endurance, and helps you gain confidence. So pull double-duty with this better-sex workout.

YOU CAN LAUGH AT YOURSELF

Someone who is great in bed can see the fun and humor in any situation, because come on, sex should be a good time. As sex expert Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., recently told us, “You may not remember the strongest orgasm you’ve ever had, but you’ll remember the time you fell off the bed because you were so into it that you didn’t realize you were on the edge.” Weird noises, sounds, and failed positions happen, but if you can roll with it and still enjoy yourself, that’s what makes someone amazing in the sack.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article