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Curated by Erbe
Original Source: LJDGaming
Tag: sex advice
Why There’s No Such Thing as Casual Sex
There’s no such thing as casual sex.
I was reflecting on this idea of what people commonly call casual sex, which is pretty much most sex these days it seems, and it occurred to me when someone sticks their most intimate part of their body into my most intimate part of my body, that’s not casual on any level. Not for either person. Just because so many times people hardly know each other before they decide to get naked and explore each other’s genitals in one form or another, doesn’t mean that it isn’t something that affects us profoundly, and on layers and levels of our psyches and souls that we can’t fathom consciously.
I recently wrote a blog post about the wisdom and vulnerability of the vagina that has been making the rounds and many of you may have read it. If you haven’t, when you finish this one you should check it out in the archives here. It speaks in great detail to this idea for women in particular, so go check it out after you read this post.
So let’s explore how it is even conceivably possible that genital contact is casual. We can extend it to oral sex but the place where I find it most compelling to examine is of course in intercourse.
How could the merging of these two anatomical components of human existence that create new human existence be called casual in any sense? Seriously, stop and think about this. Ladies, any time you sleep with a man, any time you allow him to enter you, you have just had an intimate experience. If this man is a stranger, you basically have just participated in your own home invasion, LOL.
Guys, when you don’t know this woman, you really are using her as a receptacle, as a vehicle for your own pleasure, not saying that a woman may not be doing the exact same thing because that, after all, is the general intention in casual sex but, guys, come on, you protect your precious family jewels and then you just willy-nilly, (I really didn’t intend that pun, but let’s go with it), you find yourself inside a stranger with your most vulnerable asset aside from your heart. You’re literally inside a woman’s body, one with her for all intents and purposes, and you’re going to tell me that’s casual? And why don’t you have enough self-respect to think with the head on your shoulders instead of the one in your pants?
When You Haven’t Had Sex with Your Partner in a Long Time
I’m attracted to him, but I haven’t been able to get closer.
My husband and I have not had sex in a year and a half. We’ve had sex maybe 10 times in the last five years. I am a sexual trauma survivor. These two things are directly related, but it’s taken me years to make the connection.
Our sex life wasn’t always like this. For the first six months of our relationship, we had sex all the time. Passionate, mind-blowing sex, in fact. Knock-your-socks off sex. So you can imagine my husband’s confusion when I suddenly seemed to lose interest.
It was around the time we moved in together, and I didn’t know what was wrong. We thought it was hormonal, and I switched birth control. We thought it was related to some major life changes, so we waited it out. We thought it was a difference in libido, so we tried things like taking sex off the table for a month. We tried hooking up but not having intercourse. I started going to therapy. The problem only got worse.
My husband began to feel like I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. He stopped trying to initiate things. He grew resentful. We talked about options like opening our marriage. We had a lot of conversations about the fact that this wasn’t fair or what he wanted in a relationship. Since I have also been interested in women, he questioned whether I was attracted to men at all.
Meanwhile, I felt despondent. I felt detached and numb. I knew I was attracted to my husband, because I felt it. But I didn’t want to have sex. I wanted to kiss and cuddle without it leading to anything else. Sometimes I’d give into some form of sexual activity, but I always felt empty and used afterwards. There was always an elephant in the room. It felt like it was between us when we got into bed at night.
What’s funny is that I’m a certified rape crisis counselor. I can talk about the effects of sexual trauma on sex until I’m blue in the face. But I couldn’t internalize it and apply it to my own life. I was sure that there was a different problem. I swore that my trauma hadn’t affected me to that level. And for years, I used sex as a coping mechanism.
In the years leading up to meeting my husband, I found myself joining the “sex positive” movement. I wore it like a badge of liberation. I was determined to take back my body. I found BDSM and kink, and I jumped in with abandon. I thought I was free. It’s only now, with clear vision, that I can look back and see that I was not in an emotionally healthy place to be making these kinds of decisions. At the time, I viewed a lot of these activities as consensual but I recognize now that I was not emotionally healthy enough to be consenting. It is absolutely possible to participate in fully consensual BDSM. But for me, at that time, I wasn’t capable of it and I didn’t realize it. And the result of this is that it traumatized me more.
That all came to a head for me when my husband and I moved in. What I know now, that I didn’t know then, is that all of this is normal. What I know now, that I couldn’t internalize then, is that I was coping in the best way I knew how. And it’s because of the safety that I finally felt with my husband and in our relationship that the symptoms of my trauma finally shone through. And now I’m left undoing not only the harm that other people have done to me, but the harm I caused myself under the guise of sexual liberation.
Today, my husband and I are seeing a wonderful counselor. What we’ve learned, together, is that it’s normal for sex to be great at the beginning and to taper off when the survivor begins to feel “safe.” My dissociation and numbness around sex are also normal. It was hard for him to understand at first, because dissociation doesn’t look traumatic to someone witnessing it; it just looks like lack of enthusiasm. Which is why, for so long, my husband thought I just wasn’t into sex with him. As we, and I, start to work through this stuff, I get triggered. It gets hard. It gets uncomfortable. But I choose to think of it as progress, as a sign that I’m beginning to move through the numbing phase and onto the healing phase.
We both know that we have a long road ahead of us. We know that we won’t go back to having wonderful, consistent sex tomorrow, or even next week. But now that we’re both on the same page and the problem is clear, we feel a freedom and a closeness that we haven’t felt in a long time. The fact that we’re tackling this together brings us an intimacy that we lost when we stopped having sex. And while having regular date nights and finding activities to do together doesn’t bring quite the same intimacy that sex does, we’re taking steps in the direction of healing and we both finally feel hopeful that one day, we’ll have sex again.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
The Hottest New Sex Tape
Here’s the psychology behind why people love making and watching sex tapes, and how it can revive or deaden a relationship.
Lights, camera, action!
In a relationship, we’ve all once thought about closing the curtains, getting undressed, and hitting “record” on the camcorder. Videotaping ourselves having sex with our partner sounds naughty, especially for the modern couple looking to do more than the conservative. But while standing in front of the camera, possibly stricken with performance anxiety, have we ever wondered why we’re so desperate to film our carnal acts? Even more so, why do we enjoy watching them later?
1. The Birth Of The Sex Tape: Celebrity Overnight
We have actor Rob Lowe to thank for bringing one of the first sex tapes into mainstream media in 1988, possibly giving way for a new American sex norm. A video leaked of the actor with two women, one underage, in an Atlanta hotel room. Fast forward to nine years later, Pam Anderson and then-husband Tommy Lee’s raunchy vacation movie became one of the first viral sex videos.
These “leaked” celebrity sex tapes subsequently became an object of fascination, and even inspired some of us to record our bedroom encounters with the risk of the uninvited world tuning into our private time.
“I think that celebrity itself has a powerful influence in the general public,” Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent, and expert panelist on WE TV’s Sex Box told Medical Daily.
Kelly Chisholm, a certified sex therapist and intimacy coach, says aside from celebrity sex tapes, porn usage has also influenced couples to film sex tapes.
“[W]ith the increase of porn usage, many couples are intrigued by being a porn star in their own home,” she said.
Who suggests the dirty flick, however, may often be the male. But why?
2. Visual Sexual Stimulation: Men Vs. Women
It is known sexual stimuli differ for men and women, because they respond more strongly to it than women do. This is why pornographic magazines and videos are more directed at men, since they consume it on a greater scale. Out of approximately 40 million adults who visit porn websites annually, 72 percent are male, while only 28 percent are female.
So, does this make men inclined to pitch the idea of a sex tape?
“Men are visual. All you have to do is take a quick glance at the profits for the porn industry to know I’m right. And if they have a partner who’s ready and willing to make a sex tape, which is porn, it doesn’t get much better for them. They get to have sex and watch the sex, while possibly having more sex, creating levels of pleasure.” April Masini, relationship expert and author, told Medical Daily.
More Into P*rn than You–What Do You Do?
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Dear Abiola,
Is it normal for my husband to be more into porn than into me?
I got married 4 years ago. From the beginning I have had a feeling that my husband is not emotionally attached to me. Now we talk very little. He is always busy internet surfing or playing games. I feel so lonely.
He is not interested in sex any more. It has been 2 months since we had sex. I have caught him masturbating so many times while watching porn. But whenever I try to join in or do sexy stuff with him, he refuses or remains quiet.
This all hurt too much. I love him and want to be with him. All I want is to be loved and to have his time. I tried to talk to him but he refuses or says it’s not a problem or gets angry.
I feel like porn has come between my relationship and I am blaming myself. Pornography is evil. What should I do to be loved by him!
Signed,
Broken Woman
Dearest Sacred Bombshell,
First of all, you are not broken. You are a whole and complete woman no matter what is happening to you in your relationship, bedroom, or life.
You have nothing to blame yourself for. A man — or woman — cannot be driven to porn by anything his or her partner does. Read that sentence again. Your husband is an adult. He is the only one responsible for his choices. Your husband should absolutely not be choosing porn over you. That is beyond problematic.
Your question, “What can I do to be loved by him?” is also extremely troubling. That set off all of my alarms; not only as Life Coach but also as a woman. There is no right thing that you can do to be loved by the wrong person. Someone either loves and accepts who you are or they don’t.
You say that your husband has not been emotionally into you. Is it possible that your husband may be depressed and not have the emotional ability to express his sadness? Did something transformative happen personally or professionally around the time that his behavior changed?
If someone wants to numb and avoid their real lives, they can become addicted to anything. Porn is your husband’s drug of choice. It is not the adult films that are evil. The issue is that you are sad and lonely in a non-communicative marriage with no emotional or sexual intimacy. If your husband is addicted to pornography, you cannot have a healthy relationship. You can’t have a healthy relationship with an addict.
Ask your husband to join you in therapy ASAP. Show him this post. Tell him that this is a 911 situation. Let him know that you have been feeling sad and lonely in your relationship. Meanwhile, you may both find support in a 12-step group. Please note that this is not intended to treat or diagnose any illness or condition. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his own well-being.
Be Broken Ministries is a group for men struggling with porn addiction. FightTheNewDrug.org is an online recovery program and Sexaholics Anonymous at SA.org can be a great place for you both to find support.
I called you a Sacred Bombshell because I have reclaimed the word “bombshell” to mean a woman who loves, honors, and cherishes herself in mind, body, and spirit. This is what I want for you. You deserve to feel love and connection in your relationship. You deserve your man’s love and his time. Whether your husband acknowledges the issues or chooses remains in denial, I urge you to get support for yourself immediately.
Passionately yours,
Abiola
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
His Reactions Mystify You
Many ballsy women are afraid to say ‘Please do this’ or ‘Don’t do that’ in bed. Here’s what some women are really thinking.
Our sexist culture unleashes many forms of toxic socialization on its inhabitants, but few lessons seem to take as well as teaching girls from the cradle to coddle the male ego, not just with flattery but with a deep unwillingness to speak truths that could cause men to feel uncomfortable or imperfect. And nowhere is this less true than in the sack. Many a woman who feels herself a ballsy broad in her daily life finds herself in bed, afraid to say “Please do this” or “Don’t do that” for fear of confronting a man looking shocked, upset, or disappointed—which can push a button installed in us as little girls labeled Failure As A Woman.
We know we should get over it already. We know we should speak up and take our lumps and men who can’t handle it are bad lovers we should be dumping anyway. It’s not like we’re not trying. The female half of the human race spends an ungodly amount of time and money trying to unlearn passivity and replace it with a dose of speaking up for themselves.
In the meantime, however, there’s a number of things women are thinking about sex that tend to go unsaid, but you men should probably know them anyway.
1. We can tell when you’re doing something because you saw it in a porno.
Most sex in porn is about what’s good for the camera, not what’s good for the participants in it, especially the women. In fact, many things that look good in porn can keep us from having fun in real-life sex. For instance, in porn the only parts of their bodies the actors often touch are their genitals, so that the camera can get a full view of the action. But in real life, sex is more of a whole-body experience, and the genital-only thing can feel cold and masturbatory.
Of course, we know that men know this, and most would deny that they’re doing stuff because it looked good in a porn and not because it felt good in the moment. So we’d rather not bring it up when you do stuff that looks better in porn than it feels in life. We don’t want to argue over whether or not that’s what you’re doing. But when you do something you picked up in a porn that doesn’t add to the real-life pleasure, we take notice and we’re often hoping you get it out of your system so we can move on to activities that are actually fun.
2. Endurance is overrated.
It’s not that cultural jokes about two-pump chumps are completely baseless. Women do like having sex, and most of us can point to at least one or two experiences where a man orgasmed as soon as he touched you, and then rolled over and fell asleep while you wondered if that was all you’re going to get. But just because women would prefer intercourse to last more than 60 seconds doesn’t mean that longer is always better. If you consider a point of pride that you can thrust away for an hour without coming, there’s a high chance your partner is lying under you wondering how on earth she can say she’d have liked to wrap it up 40 minutes ago, but is afraid to say anything because she doesn’t want to stomp all over your accomplishments. The vagina’s ability to continue lubricating itself is limited, which can make marathon sex feel more like a duty than a joy.
3. We actually do know what will get us to orgasm.
Are you trying this and then trying that and finding nothing works to get her there? There’s a strong possibility she actually knows exactly what needs to happen, because she’s had practice masturbating, but is afraid to say so because her path to orgasm has been perceived by other men or the culture at large as bitchy or emasculating. She might feel that bringing a vibrator in bed will make you feel like less than a man, or she might worry that having you eat her out at length is boring for you. So she won’t ask. If you suspect this might be the case, it’s well worth bringing up. But don’t do it during sex, when fear of judgment is that much higher. While you’re sitting on the couch watching American Idol will lower the stakes of this discussion tremendously.
4. “Getting there” is more trouble than it’s worth.
This is only true for a minority of women, but when I put the call out on Twitter for women to tell me what they don’t tell men, the women who said this were the most passionate respondents. For women who have trouble orgasming, sex could be fun, but it isn’t not because of their lack of orgasm so much as their fear they’ll disappoint their partners. They find themselves avoiding sex because they don’t want to have to endure endless attempts to bring forth an orgasm that will never come, but they still like to masturbate, even if they usually can’t reach orgasm. So, when you’re having that talk explaining that you’re not going to freak out if she starts speaking up about her needs, be clear that you’re not going to judge her if she’s feeling like orgasms don’t have to be the star of the show every time she has sex.
Many women don’t fake orgasms. But pretty much all women turn the volume up on the ones they do have, because they know you like it. This isn’t lying, but embellishment, and it would be nice if men returned the favor. Sex is no time for masculine stoicism. A little verbal appreciation in the form of moaning and groaning makes a nice two-way street.
5. Our bodies are very sensitive when aroused, so err on the gentle side.
When I put the call out for suggestions for this article, this was probably the No. 1 category, with comments like, “That’s a clitoris, not an elevator button.” Nipple-twisting was also denounced, and one woman noted that not every woman is a fan of finger-banging, which can feel rough and sort of pointless. Men who dive at your genitals with their mouths were appreciated for their enthusiasm, but not so much for their technique. Overall, the feeling was that more pressure can be added as needed, but the shock to the system of having someone overdo it can be a major turnoff.
Obviously, every woman is different, and even with these most general of guidelines, you’ll find dissenters. Communication between partners is the ideal. But have some sympathy on women who haven’t read enough self-help books or seen enough therapists to overcome their fear of speaking up. You might find that having patience and understanding will make it easier to draw them out over the long run. To encourage more communication, don’t make faces or act like your ego is hurt when women do push themselves to speak up. It likely took a lot of courage to do so in the first place.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
11 Sex Tips for the Newlyweds
Finally, alone at last! Top experts offer their best tips for keeping your relationship hot and exciting long after the honeymoon.
One of the fabulous things about marrying your soul mate is experiencing a unique connection and level of familiarity. But when things are too comfortable in the bedroom, it can cause problems. “Before you’re married, your sex life has little competition in your relationship,” explains Debra Macleod, coauthor of Lube Jobs: A Woman’s Guide to Great Maintenance Sex. “But after you’re married, sex has to compete with conflicting schedules, money concerns, in-laws and eventually children. It takes a toll on your sex life, especially when compounded by the increase in sexual familiarity and the decrease in honeymoon hormones flowing through your veins!”
Though it’s important to recognize that your love life will change over time, there’s a lot you can do to maintain that spark. Here, tips for keeping things hot long past the honeymoon.
1. Reach Out & Touch Someone
Several studies show that the simple act of hugging for between 30 and 60 seconds increases levels of oxytocin, a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain and contributes to a sense of attachment, notes Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a sex therapist and author of Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man. Kissing and holding hands reap those same unique benefits.
2. Let’s Talk About Sex
Though you’d think a sex expert as famous as Dr. Ruth would give advice that was, well, sexier, she says communication is the key to bedroom bliss throughout your marriage. “If you keep your needs and desires inside your heads, then the likelihood is that your sex life will slowly diminish in strength and intensity,” says Dr. Ruth. “But if you explain your likes and dislikes, then together you can create a very good, long-lasting sex life.” No one’s saying this is a topic that’s easy to discuss– even with someone as close to you as your mate—but doing so today is like an insurance policy for the future. “With a solid foundation, even if there are valleys in your sex life, such as during the years when small babies are around, you can climb back toward those peaks,” says Dr. Ruth.
3. Hold on Tight
Sex therapist Ian Kerner emphasizes the importance of having as much physical contact as possible on a daily basis.“It may sound obvious, but once you’re married you tend to become less lovey-dovey and more complacent as you sit side by side, tapping away on your laptops, rather than holding hands or hugging.”
4. Prioritize It
After that walk down the aisle, life gets busy with daily routines and your To Do list gets more crowded, sending sex tumbling to the bottom. Worse, once you’re living together it’s easy to assume that you can have sex whenever you want, and thus you don’t make time for it. But if you don’t prioritize your love life at the beginning of your marriage, it’ll be harder to do so in the future. Kerner advises consciously making sex part of your daily schedule. For example, take a shower together each morning or go to bed half an hour earlier. If the thought of scheduling sex makes you cringe, you still should leave enough room for sparks to fly. “After all, sex can’t happen if you’re on Facebook for hours and finally collapse into bed at midnight,” says Kerner.
Keep Your Vagina Healthy and Happy
Keep your vagina healthy and happy with these tips.
After all, she IS your pride and joy!
When was the last time you thought about … how your vagina is feeling?
Does that seem like a crazy question? It’s not! And here’s why …
With your never ending daily to-do list, you don’t give your vagina the attention she needs.
Discomfort, pain, itching and burning are your vagina’s way of communicating that she needs some tender loving care. But numbness is another way she lets you know she’s feeling neglected.
And this matters because — when your vagina isn’t happy, neither are you.
Long before menopause you can experience changes in your vaginal health because of stress, side effects of medication, as well as hormonal changes. These changes occur in your early 20s and 30s, as well as into your 40s and beyond.
They also affect the vitality of the tissue, lining and walls of your vagina. The lining, which once protected your vaginal walls and tissue, thins as you lose estrogen, which causes discomfort in the forms of pain, tissue tearing, and dryness (which in addition to affecting general comfort, obviously impairs sexual pleasure, as well).
The good news is, there are simple things you can start doing now to keep your vagina healthy and happy. No matter what your age, it’s never too early (or too late) to start taking care of your vagina — here are six simple ways to do so:
1. Work Out!
Kegels are exercises you can do anytime/anywhere that strengthen your vagina muscles; keeping them strong supports you in enjoying sex more, having more intense orgasms and hopefully not developing incontinence later in life.
You can do Kegels while you’re watching television, driving (a great way to kill time at red lights), and even working on your computer — so there’s NO EXCUSE.
2. Go Commando Or Au Cotton — Your Choice!
Wear cotton paneled underwear or pop Go Commandos cotton patches into your pants. If you don’t like underwear or want to let your vagina breathe while feeling cleanly, the Go Commandos patch is the next best thing to wearing nothing at all. Your vagina will love the freedom!
Why does breathability matter? Synthetic fabrics that don’t allow your vagina to breathe lead to trapped moisture and irritation which leads to infection. It’s no surprise that yeast infections are so common today.
3. Self-Pleasure is Self Care.
If you don’t know how to please yourself, how do you expect someone else to succeed at it? If you don’t experience sexual pleasure regularly, you are depriving yourself of a basic human need.
Self-pleasuring is a way to get to know your body so that you can experience pleasure, release and be able to communicate those turn-ons to your partner.
A survey conducted by Cosmopolitan found that women are severely orgasm deficient. So ladies, make sure you know how to please yourself so you’re always taken care of — whether you’re in a relationship or not.
Either way, knowing your body and what makes you feel good is a win-win!
8 Lovemaking Techniques to Create a Deeper Connection With Your Partner
Here’s how to improve your connection with your partner.
Mindfulness is being in the present moment with total awareness. But the one area where we can be the least present is in our relationships, and that includes our most intimate ones.
Mindful love-making is a whole new approach to being intimate with awareness, which means having sex not only for the sheer pleasure of it, but with our mind, body, and spirit combined, and as thoughtfully engaged as possible. Loving your partner mindfully will enhance the quality of your sex, and increase the closeness you experience together significantly. Not only will it become the type of love-making you crave, but it will be the only type of love-making you desire to give your partner.
Here are several ways to connect with your partner mindfully, and be as fully present as you can in the bedroom:
The best lovemaking is when two people are 100 percent present with each other, which means they are completely aware and sensitive of one another’s needs.
A good way to make that happen is to set aside a special time for you and your partner to have sex. That way, you know that you’re bringing your complete attention to them, and that they are getting all of you in the experience, which is a turn-on.
Mindful lovemaking can happen when both people are fully present without distraction.
Put your gadgets away. That means no phones nearby, or anything electronic that could go off and distract you. Being fully present with your partner means that you need nothing other than them to satisfy you.
Making love mindfully means being fully attuned to someone else’s body and needs.
Communicate to your partner either verbally or through touch how much you want to satisfy them. Giving them all of your attention increases stimulation and satisfaction.
Think of what would make your partner happy or satisfy them.
Showing your partner that you’ve taken the time to figure out what would excite them sexually lets them know that you care about them, and that they are very important to you.
Try surprising your partner by doing something you know they would love.
Have a bath ready with candles around it, or cover the bed with rose petals. Have their favorite music playing, or aromatherapy oil wafting from a diffuser. Think of creative ways to set the mood for optimum lovemaking.
Ask your partner if they would like to be massaged before you hurry into lovemaking.
Make sure not to rush, and to take it slow. By being fully in the present, your senses are much more alive, which makes everything you’re touching and everything you’re feeling much more enhanced.
Make sure to put your partner’s pleasure before your own.
Show them how much you want to please them, and let them know how much you love being with them intimately. Make them feel that they are the most desirable person in the world to you. Your passion for them ignites their own even more.
After lovemaking, hold your partner.
Allow yourself to fall asleep in each other’s arms.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Are You Dissatisfied With Sex? That’s Good!
When they come to me, often they feel there is something wrong WITH THEM… what I am seeing over and over is fear and disconnection, brought about by a woman’s own body wisdom.
Whenever I sit down to write these posts, I truly never have any idea how long they will be. A title comes to me and, like a midwife, I sit down and allow myself to be used as a channel. So before you read this, scroll down and see how long it is and if you have the 5-10 minutes to read it. This one feels important, even before I begin to write the meat of it.
Lately I’ve had quite a few women come to me and express dissatisfaction with their sexuality/sex life. When they come to me, often they feel there is something wrong WITH THEM because they aren’t feeling sexual, and as I begin to work with them to help them unfurl the petals of this vital part of their feminine nature, what I am seeing over and over is fear and disconnection, brought about by a woman’s own body wisdom.
Throughout my life I have always said that the most important things I’ve ever learned I have learned through my body. Living in a world that from a very early age teaches women and girls NOT to listen to their innate body wisdom has caused a massive shut down in our ability to discern what is healthy from what may be dysfunction. We trust more what we hear outside of us, instead of what we hear from within. So many women who feel disconnected sexually are actually in a place of awakening, as their body wisdom has taken over where the mind has failed them. In their deepest heart, they KNOW that this version of sex they are being sold is all wrong for them, but because there is no body trust for most women, it becomes depression and a subscription to the mainstream mindset that there must be something wrong with you.
Sexuality in our culture has become a lot like fast food, and just as devoid of nutrition and satisfaction. We are hungry for something that we know we are supposed to get via sex, both women and men, yet after living on junk food, we are physically sick and more in need of nutrition than ever. That nutrition is the energetic component of sex that is all but lost in the way we do sex now, and yet women’s bodies are rebelling against this, even as women’s minds subscribe to the BS that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t want sex or aren’t having it.
You see the words “women’s sexual dysfunction” all over the place these days. Women are being led to believe we are broken in our sexuality as we have been led to believe we are broken in our bodies because we get periods, have babies and go through menopause. The more we are bombarded with these negative concepts via media messages, personal exchanges, and personal beliefs, the more “depressed” we become. But that depression is your soul calling you to awaken and take ownership of your powerful sexuality as you reject the mainstream models. We are in a hook up/porn culture, where sex is just something you do, for stress relief, recreation, or procreation, but there’s a whole other universe, literally, when two people who are REALLY connected merge their flesh. Like all of what I share/teach/speak and write about, I live these truths, and my sexuality has been a FORCE in my life that has taught me so much, and I know that if I had been listening to the mainstream spewing of crap, I wouldn’t have had the powerful experiences I’ve always had.
What You Never Tell Him About Sex But He Needs to Know
Women are mysterious creatures. While they’re great at displaying emotions, often they’ll hide their hidden desires. And this is especially true when it comes to what they like in the bedroom.
The truth is women have many secrets about what they like AND what they don’t like from guys during sex. Probably right at this moment, your woman really wants you do things during sex which you not be aware of. If you can discover her hidden desires, then you’ll rock her world.
To get an idea of what I’m talking about, here 5 of the most common sex secrets she probably will never reveal to you, which again given the brilliance of our girls are not wanted all the time…
Secret #1- She doesn’t want you to go for hours
Many guys think the key to pleasing a woman is to have the sexual stamina of a marathon runner and go for hours. The problem is women get tired (and sore) during a long sex session. Secretly your woman wants you to please her without subjecting her to a lengthy sex session. If you can please her in a half an hour, then she really won’t care if you can go for hours.
Secret #2- She sometimes wants sex, not romance
While all women profess a love for romantic lovemaking filled with candles and soft music, sometimes they want sex to be a little dirty… and well sometimes downright primal. Even though romance is an important part of the sexual experience, there are often moments when you can score some serious points simply by acting in a VERY non-romantic manner. For instance, she’ll sometimes wants you to simply rip her clothes off and have a quickie.
Secret # – She wants YOU to be in control
It’s a simple truth. Women want to be with men who act like MEN. This means you should never behave in a lower status man and act like you don’t know what you’re doing in the bedroom. Simply put, you have to act like a man when you’re having sex.
Being a man is about knowing the specific things which pleases your woman and then DOING them. So when you’re in the bedroom, don’t act timid or shy. Instead give off the aura that you’re completely confident during sex and you’re in complete control of her pleasure.
Secret #4- She wants to try new things
There are a lot of different sexual experiences your woman secretly wants. Whether it’s a bit of roleplaying, threesomes or even the “big A”, she’s probably privately fantasizing about stuff you can with her (or to her). The important thing to remember is everybody has fantasies. Your job is to coax them out of her and then work hard to fulfill them.
Secret #5- She wants it in the morning
Guys are known for the ability to be ready for sex in 3.5 seconds. Women on the other hand profess a desire for extensive foreplay. That’s the reason why many guys think women don’t want a “quickie” in the morning. However the truth is a lot of women secretly want a bit of sex in the morning before they start the day. Simply try to initiate things in the morning and you’ll be surprised at her response
Women have lots of secrets they keep from men. But if you can reveal her secret desires in the bedroom then you’ll quickly become her perfect lover.
So look for the warning signs of the 5 secrets I discussed in this article, and you’ll be on your way towards sexually pleasing her.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Why Sexuality is the Hot Topic in Holistic & Alternative Medicine
What is the only thing left out of the holistic paradigm?
It’s called S-E-X.
Holistic health professionals will talk about everything from gut health & nutrition, exercise, acupuncture, and neti pots…but they tip toe around sex. Why is that? It is still a taboo topic. It’s an area of life that brings up discomfort and uncertainty for the majority of people in our society. Another reason is the lack of training and education. It is simply left out of professional trainings—even those who deal directly with the human reproductive system, such as gynecologists and urologists—don’t receive adequate training on sexuality. The average reproductive system specialist spends 7-8 years getting medical training, and out of those years, spends roughly 3 hours learning about sexuality! This is analogous to the training most allopathic medicine doctors get in nutrition—about 3 hours. See a parallel here?
Fortunately, the landscape is changing. The future of integrative medicine includes sexuality. How do I know this? Holistic health guru Dr. Andrew Weil is editing a series of books on Integrative Medicine, and one of those books is on Integrative Sexuality. This is the next hot topic! For those holistic health practitioners who want to stay relevant, they must start paying attention to the salient topic of sex. And for those of us who are passionate about health & wellness, it’s time to evolve the context for sex beyond just the bedroom and into the domain of health at large. After all, sexuality is the root of all our biological systems. It’s how we got here, for goodness sake!
That’s why I gathered the best in the industry to talk about this charged subject during the Sex & Medicine Summit, so we could start creating a new narrative for this important topic. What I learned from doing that series of interviews was just how vast this topic is, how it touches every area of life, and how much this conversation is needed in medical schools, board rooms, grand rounds, and health coaching trainings (well… pretty much every helping profession training). The time to start this conversation is now. Why wait until someone else initiates it?
So many questions linger in the back of people’s minds, and they wonder if they’re crazy, if they’re the only ones who struggle with issues like erectile dysfunction, strange-smelling vaginal discharge, HPV, lack of desire, body image issues (including concern about the shape and size of genitals), sexual “aberrations,” extreme hormonal swings, and much more. Once we reach a critical mass of willingness to show up and talk about our sexuality in a safe and open way, the taboo will start dropping away. The shame will dissolve. The alienation and passivity will shift into vibrancy, a pleasure-positive lifestyle, and freedom of expression. And all this leads to greater health and well-being. Healthy sexuality, to me, is the foundation of true health. Even if you are physically fit, eat well, sleep 8 hours a night, but don’t aren’t having regular, nourishing sex, (either with self or another) then you are cut off from your essential expression—you are cut off from the very source of life.
My vision for the future of integrative health is that naturopaths, health coaches, and other healing arts professionals will include sexual healing modalities in their prescriptive process. They will refer their patients and clients to the appropriate sexual health professionals in their network. They will address sexuality openly and respectfully with their clients, so that they feel safe and empowered to take charge of this delicate and incredibly powerful aspect of their life. I envision more leaders in the health field initiating discussions on the topic of sex and medicine, instead of leaving this area of life to the purview of the porn and entertainment industry, where it has languished long enough. Taking charge of your health & your health must include sexual mastery on ever-increasing levels. And it can be a most pleasurable journey!
Fun, Intense and Intimate Sex
We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. How can we make sex more intense?
But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off-limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to tips@bustle.com. Now, onto today’s topic: how to make sex more fun, intense, and intimate.
Q: My partner and I have been together for years. Sex is important to both of us, and we want to keep growing together in our relationship. We’re lucky that sex is pretty great between us, but we want it to be even better. We want to feel like we’re learning more about each other and deepening our connection. How can we make sex more intense?
A: Thanks for your question! It’s awesome that the two of you place such a high value on sex, and are continually looking for new ways to connect. Trust me, that is going to go such a long way in your relationship! Here are my tips for making sex as intimate, intense, and fun as possible.
1. Define What Intimacy Means To You
First things first: what exactly do you mean by intimacy? What about intensity? These are powerful words that means different things to different couples. The first thing the two of you should do is talk about what intimacy means to your relationship. What does intense sex feel like, both in the moment and afterwards? What’s the kind of emotional connection you’re aiming for? What was the best sex you guys ever had like? You can’t work towards a goal until you know what your goal is!
2. Set Yourselves Up For Success
if you want to have intense sex, you have to have the right atmosphere for connection. It’s hard to bond with each other if your cell phones keep buzzing or if your pooch is pawing at your bedroom door. You guys may already do a good job at creating the space for intimacy, but it’s an important tip to remember.
You can do things in the moment, like turning off all electronics, or setting the mood with soft music and candles. You can also make bigger-picture changes like creating a weekly date night or planning weekend getaways.
3. Talk During Sex
Talking to your partner while you’re having sex is a great way to turn up the heat. Tell your partner what you want them to do to you. Tease your partner, and make them beg you to give them what they want. Describe to your partner exactly how their touches and kisses are making you feel. Even simple words of affection can make the two of you feel closer.
Will You Have an Epic Sex Life? Here is the Chemistry Test
Find out if you and your partner is a perfect sexual match.
Having a similar sex drive as your partner will definitely keep things hot in the bedroom, but having different sexual preferences is actually the key to long-lasting sex life, says a new study.
The research, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, examined similar sexual preferences and complementary sexual preferences and how each influenced sexual compatibility and satisfaction within a relationship. (In this case, an example of similar sexual preferences was both enjoying oral sex or both enjoying being dominant in bed, while complementary preferences would look like one partner preferring to be on top while the other likes to be on bottom.) Scientists surveyed 304 heterosexual couples between the ages of 18 to 65 who were dating, engaged, or married. Some had been together only one month, while others had been together for over 30 years. Using the Sexual Activity Inventory, the couples responded to questions about their sexual fantasies and positive and negative aspects of their sex lives, including questions about what their partner did and didn’t like to do in bed. Then, they each ranked their level of sexual satisfaction in their current relationship.
The results showed that having complementary sexual preferences—rather than the exact same ones—correlated to higher sexual satisfaction. Essentially this meant that bottoms liked to be with tops and givers liked to be with receivers. It’s not exactly suprising; it makes sense that someone who likes to take the reins in bed would have better sexual chemistry with someone who is a little more submissive, rather than someone else who likes to dominate. So if your partner loves giving oral and you love receiving it, you’re obviously a match made in sexual heaven. Basically, your favorite sexual behaviors complement each other.
Interestingly, the study also found that men have a pretty big responsibility when it comes to maintaining that sexual chemistry. When guys were better able to predict what turned their partners on, they ranked their sex lives more positively and so did their partners. So why not give them a little help by letting them know exactly what you like in bed? It’s pretty much guaranteed to put your sexual satisfaction—and his—through the roof.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
How to Initiate Sex With Your Man
Jump-start your love life by learning how to put the moves on your man
You’ve heard all about the benefits of having sex—it can improve your health, help you sleep and, obviously, strengthen your relationship. And the best way to have more sex is to ask for it. But for some women, that’s easier said than done. It may be because you can’t figure out a way to get the message across, or you’re exhausted, shy or just plain out of practice, says Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., sex therapist and author of Sex Talk. No matter what the reason, if you’re not sure how to give your man the hint, read on for nine tips to initiate romance.
1. Put it in writing.
Sometimes, saying, “I want you, now” out loud can feel intimidating or embarrassing, especially if that kind of talk doesn’t come naturally to you, says Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., a couples and sex therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want. But writing down your desires can help shake off your inhibitions, since you can get your point across without face-to-face contact. Pop a note in your husband’s coat pocket before you leave for work, send him an email (to his personal account!) or tap out a quick text message. What you say depends on your relationship, but, “Try to break out of your comfort zone to help build erotic anticipation,” says Dr. Nelson. Texting things like, “Can’t wait until tonight,” or “Having a naughty thought about you right now” can work to build excitement for what’s to come. Or, Dr. Nelson says, you can be more graphic than you might feel comfortable doing in person, saying something like, “Tonight, I’m getting into bed naked and will do XYZ to you…”
2. Establish an “I’m in the mood” code.
Between the two of you, come up with a word or phrase that is a secret call for sex. “Make it something that you can say in front of your kids, or even your in-laws,” says Dr. Nelson. The contrast between how ordinary the code sounds to others and what it really means to you stirs up excitement and fosters intimacy. Try something like, “Honey, can you help me balance the checkbook later?” or, “I really have a headache!”
3. Get—and stay––in the mood.
When it comes to summoning sex, getting yourself in the mood is half the battle. “You are more likely to initiate sex later if you pay attention to your own feelings first,” says Dr. Zoldbrod. Look at some erotic images, such as those in the Kama Sutra, or read a few passages from a favorite romance novel to put you in a sexual state of mind. If that’s not your speed, just spend some time thinking in detail about the last time you had sex, which will help rev your appetite. Dr. Zoldbrod also recommends going for a walk to boost endorphins, wearing lingerie to work or even thinking about your favorite celebrity crush. By reminding yourself to keep sex at the forefront of your mind all day, the positive vibes will last well until bedtime, inspiring you to make a move.
4. Send a nonverbal cue.
If verbal requests for sex are out of your comfort zone, don’t worry: non-verbal initiation can be just as powerful. Try a kiss on his neck or a little ear-nibbling while he’s on the computer or watching TV, suggests Dr. Nelson. Then escalate the gesture by stroking his arm while you’re sitting near each other. Ramping it up slowly like this serves two purposes: First, the element of surprise can boost sexual feelings; secondly, the non-verbal come-on can be unexpected, which could pave the way for spontaneous sex, says Dr. Nelson.
5. Try something new together.
Explore unknown territory as a couple, whether that means attending a free art class at your library, going to see a foreign movie or signing up for a volunteer opportunity in your community. “When couples do new things together they produce more dopamine, the feel-good brain chemical,” which will help make you feel closer, says Dr. Zoldbrod. And if you enjoyed that foreign film or art class and ended up making love when you got home? That tradition will likely catch on, so doing it after any excursion may become a delicious habit.