Did you know there is a scientific explanation for the “Friend Zone”? Can you get out of the friend zone and should you even try?
Curated by Erbe
Original Source
Tag: Emotional
When a Gentleman’s Love Language is Giving
When the love of my life and I decided to get engaged, we went on an extensive search for the perfect wedding ring. What my bride to be didn’t know was that I wanted to learn what shapes, colors and designs she liked best so I could design “the perfect ring” myself.
Sometimes, she would put on a ring and take it off immediately other times she would say, “…that’s kind of nice” and then finally, at what seemed an eternity, she said, “Wow.”. That’s when we stopped looking and I started designing a ring that incorporated all of the things that she liked in individual pieces.
When the design was completed, it required 32 Marquis cut diamonds. Try as I might to find perfect stones, I could not get 32 that matched in size, color and clarity. A bit of research found a diamond cutter in Brussels and off I went to have him cut 32 Marquis diamonds in the exact size, color and clarity that I wanted. Then, I found a wonderful jeweler, outside San Francisco, who my gut told me was the right person to build this ring. The ring itself is an open design with white gold and yellow gold interwoven and diamonds all the way around. After a wax was prepared, it was shipped to me for approval. Shipped because I live in Atlanta. We tweaked the ring just a bit and I saw a final casting before the ring was completed; when it was, it was simply spectacular.
Perhaps you can see, I have been called a hopeless romantic (more than once) who enjoys giving gifts. That is how I express my love.
Of course, the entire design, acquisition and building of this ring was unknown to my bride-to-be. When it was finished, over a romantic dinner, I showed it to her for the first time. Much to my chagrin, she looked at it and said, “It’s a beautiful ring but when would I wear it? I am a ceramic artist whose hands are in clay all day.”
To her our earlier search was simply a fun exercise while to me it was much more serious. My beloved had told me long ago that she didn’t really like diamonds. I took it upon myself to show her something beautiful in anticipation that she would change her mind. While I heard her words, I did not listen. That was several years ago. To this day, that ring sits in a safe and sadly we did not marry.
Not to be dissuaded, the one thing my fiancée complained about the most was the studio in which she worked. It was a warehouse with no heat or air conditioning and no windows. During the four months out of the year where one can be perfectly comfortable with windows and doors wide open in Atlanta, she would work feverishly while the rest of the year she either was much too hot or far too cold.
This time, when I suggested that I build her the studio of her dreams, I listened carefully as she told me what would make that studio ideal. I then added a few touches of my own, like floor to ceiling windows, a 20 foot cathedral ceiling, and, of course, heat and air-conditioning.
Each day for a month, I would be so excited to show her the progress. This was a 1,500 sq.ft.studio and I was the general contractor and assisted in the construction. Again to my dismay, my beloved showed no interest in the process.
When the studio was completed, she stepped inside and said, “…this is beautiful. Thank you.” With that, I then moved all of her equipment from the warehouse into the new studio where she quickly unpacked everything and organized the space.
She received my gift and my passion in the love language of giving.
Written by Barry
What All Successful Couples Have In Common
Do you have these traits in your relationship?
Want an iron-clad marriage? Take note of these universal relationship techniques.
Marriage is hard work, whether you’ve been together for just two months or 20 years. No couple jumps the broom, breaks the glass or ties the knot without genuine hopes for happily ever after, right? But every couple inevitably has issues beneath the surface—it’s how they handle these obstacles that are the telltale signs of success. We tapped a few top marriage therapists to help us identify the common denominators among couples with healthy, enduring relationships. After all, what are the ingredients for long-lasting love?
They argue.
Occasional disagreements and “fighting fair” are not necessarily signs that a relationship is falling apart. “There is good data showing arguments are OK,” says psychologist Kristen Carpenter, PhD, Director of Women’s Behavioral Health at Ohio State’s Wexner Medical Center. “As long as you have positive interactions to offset them, you’re fine. These might include good discussions, date nights, affection or gratitude. Every couple is different, but arguments are definitely OK.”
In fact, arguments can actually be effective if they’re productive. By simply bottling up feelings, you’re creating a recipe for resentment and hostility, which can destroy a marriage.
So, how do you fight right? “Couples need to be able to identify and communicate their needs,” Dr. Carpenter says. “The minute one thinks, ‘He should know what I need,’ you’re setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.” No. One. Reads. Minds. Don’t lose sight of that.
They listen.
Just as much as you want to vocalize your own wants and needs, it’s imperative to hear the other person out, says marriage therapist Carin Goldstein, LMFT. “One of the biggest things that gets in the way of problem-solving is when a couple does not want to listen to each other,” she explains. “They do not hear each other, and they do not want to understand.”
If you’re struggling with this, Goldstein says the following re-framing exercise will help. “You effectively listen by repeating back what you’re taking away,” she says. “So, say to your partner, ‘What I’m hearing you say is that, when I do X, Y or Z, you feel attacked.‘” That way, you get temperature checks along the way, rather than barreling down a course of misunderstanding. If you want to be heard, you have to listen to your partner’s needs as well.
They absorb emotions without negativity.
If two partners are both negative nellies, Goldstein admits she wonders if they’ll be able to make it through the tough times. “Successful couples use positive language; couples that I really struggle with generally have a lot of criticism [in conversation],” says Goldstein. “It comes from such a deep place of contempt, where the other person does not feel valued or heard.”
To counter negativity, Goldstein has these couples consistently practice using positive language. “I have them start a conversation by saying what they genuinely appreciate about each other,” she says. “They also need to learn to listen to their spouse’s feelings without getting defensive. Emotions aren’t necessarily there to be rationalized. Sometimes, they just need to be expressed without interruption.”
They compromise.
Goldstein says, ultimately, the couples that succeed long-term are extremely adaptable. “I’ll have couples come into my office, and they are unwilling to compromise,” she says. “Sometimes I’ll tell them, if they’re not willing to compromise, they shouldn’t come back. It is impossible to be in any relationship without the ability to change and accommodate your partner.”
Remember, no one person is right or wrong, Goldstein says. It’s never black and white; there’s always a middle ground, and lasting couples put in the time to find that place where both can coexist comfortably.
They savor their time together (and apart).
Relationships take work—and more importantly, perhaps, they take time, says Carpenter. “This means staying in touch and protecting your time together,” she explains. “It looks different for every couple. For some, it’s texting throughout the day; for others, it’s a quick phone call at lunch. It might be a week-long getaway once a year, one movie night a week, a date night every so often or just 15 minutes of cuddling a day.”
No doubt you’re being pulled in a hundred different directions, thanks to work, family and friends. But value your time with your partner by making sure your time together doesn’t keep slipping down the totem pole.
Carpenter adds that you need to find what works for you—and “if you’re feeling off, maybe it’s not enough time together and you should address it,” she says. “Or maybe you’re not taking enough time for you. It’s impossible to be your best self in a relationship if you’re not your best self on your own. Sometimes, it makes sense to take a step back and look inward.”
So if it’s getting a little too close for comfort: take that solo spa trip, or make dates to decompress with your girls. Your marriage will probably be a whole lot healthier (and you’ll both be happier) when you rejoin forces.
By Jenna Birch
Curated by Timothy
Original Article
Newly Coupled: the Learning Curve
Adjusting from being single to being in a relationship can be difficult, to say the least. Believe me, I know. I went from ten years in a relationship to seven years out – not for want of trying I might add – to now being firmly ensconced in one for a year or so. In honor to celebrate the wondrous feat that is one full year of grown up love, I thought I’d make a list of a few of the dumb things I said early on, in the “getting used to someone being in my life” phase.
Fitting, right? I hope you can learn from my mistakes.
Here goes… This is in no apparent order – chronological, humiliation factor or otherwise.
1. “I hope to be with you as long as I can.”
I’ll come clean with you and say I had a pathological fear of forever. I am less afraid of it now but still don’t really believe in it. It went the way of my twenties. My previous relationship – the one that lasted ten years – had the big FOREVER stamp on it. When that ended, I realized nothing is as certain as USPS stamps, certainly not love. That’s not to say I don’t believe that love or a relationship can’t last a lifetime. (Triple negative!) In fact, that is what led me to say the stupid thing above. I was feeling those forever feelings – wanting the flush of new love to never end, savoring that deep warm connection between two like souls, desiring nothing more than to bask in his glow FOREV – for as long as I could… Despite what I was feeling, my previous experiences had told me that forever did not exist in the real world. And I did not want to jinx this new love, not after being in the wilderness for so long. Hence the more realistic phrasing of what I was wishing for. I said it more than once. Truth be told I said it so often it could have become my jaded yet feisty sitcom character’s catchphrase. My boyfriend was kind enough to smile, say “me too” and continue to make out with me on the couch each time. It was only months later when I had stopped that he pointed out the absurdity of it all. And by that time I had graduated to saying ‘I love you’ when those forever feelings arose.
2. “ I don’t believe in missing people”
I can’t remember the exact words but the sentiment was the above. Let me set the scene. We were about three weeks into going steady and my beau was driving me to the airport. Before we met, I had booked an awesome trip to Toronto to see friends. It was my treat to me and I was very excited. He, however, was less than enthusiastic about the prospect of me leaving for ten days and had already told me a few times before how much he’d miss me. From my Zen-like high horse, I gently implied that missing people is a sure sign of not being in the present moment and that I tried to live my life in the present. He looked a little forlorn. Clearly, not the response he was hoping for. But I was proud of myself for not feeling forced to say something I didn’t feel at the time. The irony, of course, was that I ended up missing him intensely, which was super confusing for this fiercely independent woman. We would talking for an hour each day and I even told him I loved him for the first time on the phone from three time zones away. The longest three seconds of my life was waiting for his response.
Calling in True Love
He will see my heart first – its strength, its resilience, its magnitude, its determination, its power.
He will see my brain, and value the way I think, the logic intertwined with compassion, the depth, the simplicity.
He will see my eyes, dark brown eyes, wide with excitement, creases in the corners from smiling, and a depth that says, “I’ve been there. I understand. I’ve come through it, I’m here for you, and we’re here together now.”
He will see my skin, smooth and tan, and the curves of my body, my legs, my chest, and he will see femininity in every inch; he’ll see a softness he desires to touch and a firmness that signifies strength and health.
He will listen for my voice, the tone, the articulation, the animation and emotion injected into it that will carry him like a wave.
He will take pleasure in causing my laughter because all he wants to do is give me joy, levity, happiness.
He will recognize the rarity of my attributes and how they fit perfectly with his, and because of this, he’ll know I am the only one for him.
He’ll know this with the force of a tidal wave. He’ll know it is God’s will [greater than us, and for great purpose], that we are One, and he’ll claim our union with relentless determination, swiftly, wholly, and completely. There will be no room for interpretation. He’ll know. I’ll know. It will simply be.
By HWK
I Survived: A Run-in with my Ex
Despite being someone whose list of romantic partners is probably on the lower than average side of the spectrum, I still do find myself running into the occasional ex. Moving across the country a few years ago really lowered the chances of bumping into the vast majority of them. And not to brag too much, but for the most part I think my exes and I are happy enough to see each other. But there’s always that one, isn’t there?
Somehow, despite the fact that my “that one,” I’ll call her Sara, lives around the block from two of my friends, and despite the fact that we’ve often gotten pie and all day breakfast at the greasy spoon that is within sight of her front door, it didn’t happen for almost three years. And it didn’t even happen near their place or at that diner, but rather an ice cream shop several blocks away. Which frankly is pretty rude of her — like I know she absolutely didn’t plan to see me any more than I planned to see her but still, ice cream was involved. Let’s not initiate sadness please. This is a safe place.
I desperately hoped she hadn’t seen me when she walked in, and I diverted my eyes away from her and towards my friend while muttering, “Oh God, my ex is here.” I was unsuccessful in that, as we both made accidental eye contact while she diverted her eyes away from me and towards her friend (date?) that she’d seen me. This became increasingly clear when she decided to be the bigger person and come towards me. It technically was in violation of the “please never speak to me again” request I had made of her the last time we’d texted, but I suppose no statute of limitation had been defined. That’s on me; important rule to remember for next time.
I don’t want to dwell too much on the history of our relationship, which admittedly was hardly even worth the “R” word. Not long after we parted ways a friend of mine and I were talking about the film 500 Days of Summer, and how in that movie the only real ‘sin’ that Zooey Deschanel’s character commits is that she continued to stay with someone that she didn’t really have feelings for, despite his seemingly strong feelings for her. That’s really all Sara did with me. She just chose the worst time in my life to do that.
101 Practical Ways To Improve Your Relationship with Ease
This list goes in to great depth on ways to make your relationship better!
How to reconnect, strengthen your relationship, improve communication, intimacy, and more.
All relationships need a little pick-me-up sometimes, even the best ones. To that end, we’ve compiled a list of 101 ways to reconnect with your significant other right this moment. These actions will make your partner feel loved, appreciated and desired and will, in turn, make you feel more connected to him/her. Whether you’d like to increase intimacy, find a thoughtful way to say “I love you,” or just show your honey some gratitude, we’re sure you’ll find something useful in the list below.
And since the world (and our site!) is full of loving, creative souls, we hope you’ll share with us in the comments section below the special ways you share love and strengthen your bond with your significant other. Read the whole list, or skip to your favorite category from the list below.
CREATE INTIMACY
1. Lie down on the bed … and spend two minutes looking into each other’s eyes without saying anything. (Blinking is OK.)
2. Next time you’re in bed pull the covers over your head and have a whispered conversation. If you whisper first he’ll probably whisper back—it’s incredibly intimate.
3. Listen to each other. Think you already do that? Try active listening. Ask your partner to talk about something and after each sentence (or paragraph) repeat what you heard. Start with, “I heard…” You don’t have to repeat back the words verbatim, just say what you think she said. If you misinterpret or leave out anything, your partner will correct you. Take turns doing this. It’s great for intense discussions, arguments, or just a weekly ritual to improve communication.
4. Pray together. If you’re comfortable talking about it, discuss what you pray about.
5. Do the wonder intimacy exercise. (From The Marriage First Aid Kit.) Free associate and list sentences starting with “I wonder” on a piece of paper. (I wonder if I’ll ever learn to cook. I wonder if I’ll ever cook for you. I wonder if I could love you more than I do.) Take turns reading your wonders to your partner, without judging, commenting or analyzing. This may feel silly at first, but just try it and see what happens.
6. Do the nostalgic memory exercise. (From The Marriage First Aid Kit.) Pick a shared memory from “the honeymoon period” of your relationship. Discuss the memory and take turns talking about a) sensory memories (sights, sounds, smells) b) what you were thinking and c) what you were feeling.
7. Set time aside every day for mutual silence.
8. Give each other pet names. Sure, you can call each other baby, boo, or schmoopy but coming up with a nickname only you two get is cute and provides a little laugh. Studies have shown that nicknames are a sign of a strong relationship. Others might not think “Bomboushay Yaya” is endearing but if it means something to you then that’s all that matters.
SPEAK
9. Say something positive — anything at all. Researchers have found that happy couples have a ratio of five positive comments to each negative comment.
10. Think of one quirky thing she does that you love and tell her about it.
11. Ask him what he was like when he was a little kid.
12. Tell him he looks sexy in that shirt (pants, shorts, insert the appropriate item of clothing).
13. Compliment something that he’s improved upon.
14. Tell him he makes you a better person. And then tell him how.
15. If you’re feeling anxious about something, ask your partner to be your stress absorber. Ask him to listen as you explain what you’re worrying about. The catch is that he doesn’t have to say anything — no reassurances or offers of assistance. He just has to pay attention to what you’re saying and offer you a hug or hold your hand. As you’re talking, imagine your stress dissipating as the words leave your mouth.
16. The next time she does something that makes you angry … before you say something about it stop and ask yourself, “What am I really mad about?” Little things can often be masks for deeper issues. If you decide it’s a larger issue, hold your tongue and bring it up when you’re not mad.
17. Accept her apology. If you’ve been fighting and she makes an attempt to reconcile, don’t rebuff her.
18. If she holds a notable position in her field … (or even if not) remind her of how awesome she is at her job and how it intensifies your amazement of her.
Desperately Seeking A Relationship Disaster
I’m a relationship expert. I’ve had so many relationships, how could I not be? I’ve had a ton of bad ones, which is where the majority of my expertise lies, and a few good ones that I’ve managed to transform into disasters. Now, I know that many of you are in solid relationships, the kind that make you feel loved, valued, and respected. Spending your time enjoying life, doing things that expand your human experience, instead of worrying constantly, and tunnel-visioning everything onto your unrequited beloved? Girl, I don’t know how you live like that! So here’s a few tips, direct from my wealth of experience, to help you take your awesome pairing straight into the trashcan. Now, I’ve used male pronouns, because my personal experience to this point has been with men, but these tips work with any gender and/or sexuality, so please plug in whichever words work best for you.
1. Care about Facebook:
Okay, when I want to tank a relationship, this is usually where I’ll start. I like to begin by throwing logic to the wind, and taking everything personally. I consider every woman who likes his posts/tweets/photos a threat. I’ll assume the worst about all situations, and expect that he’s probably sending dirty Facebook messages and dick-pics to all of them (to be a tiny bit fair to me, this fear is actually based on true history). Now, you may think, “Hey, but I’m not doing that with the guys that like my stuff, why would he?”, so again, I’ll remind you, you must throw logic aside if you want to turn something you trust into something you fear, and what kind of maniac would rather spend their nights enjoying their partner, friends or self, when they could be nanny-watching another adult?
2. Listen to gossip:
After I see suspect things on social media, I like to escalate the story I’ve created in my head by actively seeking out sources of non-factual information that will make me feel even worse. Now, like my first tip, this one also requires shunning logic. I never stop to think about the accuracy of second, third and further-hand information. I forget all about the lessons we’ve learned from playing the telephone game, that the truth gets convoluted more and more with each mouth that chews on it and spits it back out. Gossip is like a diamond, the bigger and more sparkly it is, the more the person possessing it wants to show it off. I like to rely on gossip and social media assumptions instead of direct communication. Having a conversation about my feelings and fears requires me to be vulnerable, which is frightening. Validating my suspicions with fiction leads to anger, which, when it feels justified, masquerades as strength.
3. Dig in:
If I feel like my sweetheart is pulling away, I like to really dig in deeper and hold on tighter. If one is holding a cat that doesn’t want to be held, letting it go will have far less painful results than squeezing tighter, but damnit, if I let go, I won’t be holding something soft and fuzzy anymore. I like to think that if I can just hold on, eventually that cat will stop panicking and feeling smothered and really start enjoying my tight grip, and not scratch my face to ribbons. What a Catch-22. Now, if I was more concerned with my own well-being, maybe I’d see this, instead, as tug-of-war and realize that if the other team is pulling away harder than I’m pulling towards, and I continue to hang on tight, I will only end up sitting in the mud, alone, with rope burns on my hands.
How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It
We love this approach to finding love!
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung
Often when people want a new relationship, they either look for someone to complete them or they imagine sharing their life with someone just like them. So they try to present themselves in the best possible light for their imagined future partner—either as one perfect half of a whole or as an ideal version of what they believe their future partner will want.
In my experience, finding your soul mate requires a different, far more soul-enriching approach. Here are six steps that worked for me:
1. Stop looking for your soul mate and find the missing parts of you.
This may sound counterintuitive, but it’s exactly how I met my husband. I stopped looking for “the one” after a two-year relationship ended, which I had believed was the one. I decided to turn my attention inward—to get to know and accept myself, to heal past wounds, and to explore and develop new parts of myself.
Previously, I needed to be with someone in order to feel content, to have someone love me in order to feel loved. Breaking up with past boyfriends was so painful because it felt as if I was breaking up, as if I was being torn from a part of myself.
What I discovered was that I had to learn to be whole. And when I started to work on that, my life changed.
2. Live your life as you want to live it.
When I started to discover more about myself and to follow my own path, I started to live a life that was meaningful to me. I was no longer following someone else’s rules and ideas about what I should do.
This can disappoint some people close to you, such as your family. But if you want to find fulfillment in your life, you have to fulfill yourself, not someone else!
And doing what is right for you means you will be in places, jobs, and near people that are aligned with your life path, and with you. So you will have a much better chance of meeting your soul mate, because your soul mate will also be connected to your life path.
3. Stop trying to appeal to an imagined, potential partner.
A side effect of leading the life you choose is that you automatically become more attractive. You become more real, authentic, substantial, valuable, passionate, happy, and present. This makes you more beautiful in a natural and effortless way, and it will also make you attractive to your soul mate.
Whereas when you try to make yourself attractive in order to find someone, you alter the way you behave and present yourself so that if your soul mate were to show up, he or she might not even recognize you.
So just be yourself, whether that means you dress in corporate attire or resort wear, or casual clothing or more formal, or if your preference changes at different times.
You don’t need to be a particular weight or have large biceps or wear uncomfortable shoes if you don’t like them. Go to the gym only if you love it, do yoga if you love it, walk or surf or cycle if you enjoy those activities.
A partner who you will be with over the long term will not make a decision about your worth based on a superficial aspect of your appearance. So tap into what feels right for you, do the activities you enjoy, wear the clothes that suit you and in which you feel comfortable.
You will be far more attractive to your soul mate if you look like yourself when you meet them.
Why is Confidence so sexy?
Confidence can be the sexiest accessory!
We are naturally drawn to confidence in due to biology. In the animal kingdom, animals choose a leader largely due to confidence portrayed.
How can animals that act on instinct decide which one of them should be the leader?
Curated by Erbe
Original Source
Random Act of Self-Love
It’s great to do sweet things for your partner, but what about you?
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” ~Jack Kornfield
We have all heard about random acts of kindness. We’ve probably all — at some point or another — been a giver or a receiver of these little, big and sometimes life-changing moments.
The simple act of doing thoughtful, unexpected good deeds for others can fill us with joy. And when someone reaches out, out of the blue to touch us in some way, it’s something we rarely forget.
No matter what end of the act of kindness you are on, they are usually moments filled with ease, grace and love.
Acts of kindness come to us naturally, without effort or much thought. An opportunity presents itself and we act swiftly and whole-heartedly. We don’t think; we just do.
Recently a friend confided to me that she needs more time for herself. She has a demanding schedule and kids she cares for so I understand why it ‘s difficult for her to find time alone. It’s more than that, though. In listening to her, I realized she isn’t being kind and giving herself the simple joys she’s craving.
I thought of how she often extends generosity towards me — a cup of coffee, a listening ear, a meal shared.
I wondered — what if now and then she surprised herself with a random act of kindness — for herself?
What if now and then we all gave ourselves a random act of self-love?
I’m not talking about spoiling ourselves, giving in to our every whim or over-indulging. I’m referring to being honest with ourselves. So often we put our needs and wishes on the backburner and neglect our desires because we’re afraid to authentically acknowledge them.
Giving to ourselves should be a regular part of our lives. While some of us are better at this than others, for many of us, this idea feels absurd. We worry how it may look, what others may think or we feel guilty. We worry we are being selfish or that others will perceive our actions as self-absorbed.
But there’s nothing wrong with giving to ourselves.
You Can’t Calculate Intimacy with a Quota
How much weight do you place on sex frequency and your happiness?
I’m 32 years old and my sex life with my girlfriend is brilliant, but friends in much longer-term relationships have warned me it will deplete over time, and become less exciting. Is it possible to stop this decline happening?
Habit is, as you recognise, a problematic aspect of any long-term sexual relationship, but long-term companionship offers such enormous physical, emotional and social benefits that most people figure the trade off is worth it.
However, as long as a relationship remains meaningful, familiarity does not translate into boredom. When you are single you are able to have lots of relationships with different people.
When you are part of a couple you have lots of different relationships with one person. You fall in and out of love with each other all the time. You have novel sex. You have dull sex. You have make-up sex.
Sexual relationships are not static and boredom is not a passive response to over- familiarity.
It is something one or both partners actively allows to happen to a sexual relationship that is almost certainly under- performing on multiple levels.
Several surveys have shown relationship duration is positively correlated with a decline in sexual desire, sexual satisfaction, and sexual frequency, however it is not necessarily a linear, or even an inevitable, progression.
Sexual frequency can increase, or, in response to an array of mental, physical, relational, social, even financial changes.
Think about it. When you get ill, chances are you don’t feel like having sex. And if, for example, you and your girlfriend ever decide to have a baby, chances are, your sexual frequency will go through the roof.
Since none of us can predict the future, there is not much point in worrying about occasional fluctuations in sexual activity, unless of course, they correlate with a worrying decline in relationship satisfaction.
Sexual and relational satisfaction are intrinsically linked, which is why sexual difficulties are such a useful gauge of the health of a relationship. Stable relationships, in which both partners consider themselves happy and satisfied, are more likely to report higher rates of sexual activity than relationships characterised by friction and strain.
It makes intuitive sense that couples who like each other are more likely to touch each other, and because this association is bi-directional, the recipe for a good sex life is pretty much the same as the recipe for having a good relationship.
9 Tips for the Partner with a Higher Sex Drive
Great tips to even the sexual desire playing field!
If you are someone whose sexual desire needs no boosting, but your partner is not, that doesn’t mean that you sit back and wait for him or her to change—you are equally responsible for changing how you handle this issue. This post will offer you nine tips to approach your spouse in ways that will increase the likelihood that she or he will want to be close to you:
1. Don’t take it personally.
Differences in sexual desire among couples are very common. Although it is hard to have your advances rejected repeatedly without taking it personally, you need to remind yourself that a partner’s lack of interest in sex just may not be about you, your attractiveness, or your qualities as a human being. It may be a matter of a hormone deficiency or other physiological problems—or feelings the person has about himself or herself. Although you undoubtedly want things to change, try to develop a little empathy. Chances are, given the choice, he or she would prefer to feel turned on easily. It’s no picnic to feel disinterested in something your spouse or partner thrives on. He or she may feel inadequate, for example. The situation hurts you, but don’t underestimate how painful it is for your partner. Even if he or she acts defensively, your partner probably spends lots of time wondering why things aren’t easier between you. Try to be understanding.
2. Break free from the Catch-22.
If you are a man whose partner is less interested in sex than you, start paying attention to your friendship. Many women are wired this way—they can’t get turned on unless they feel close to you. This means doing the things that are important to her—doing things as a couple, pitching in more at home, being more available, and asking about her day. These are the things that can soften a woman’s heart. Do small things as well: Bring her a cup of coffee in the morning. Leave a note professing your love. Call her from work just to say you’re thinking of her. Bring home a single rose. Show your affection through random acts of kindness. She may be more likely to want to be close to you sexually when you do.
If your wife has been rejecting your advances, the last thing you might feel like doing is being kind and thoughtful. All I can say is that if you want to improve your sex life and your wife needs to feel close to you emotionally as a prerequisite, doing the things that bring you closer to her is the only way you are going to get there. You can either hold out because you’re angry, or break free of the Catch-22 and be loving. Experiment and watch what happens. Friendship is a great aphrodisiac.
If you are a woman and the more highly-sexual partner, the same theory applies: So many men have told me that their wives’ nagging about such issues really turns them off. Men can become passive-aggressive, agreeing to your demands but turning off to you emotionally and sexually. Why not approach things differently? You might feel hurt or rejected or unsexy because your spouse has been apathetic, but don’t be critical, be kind. Be complimentary. Catch your husband in the act of doing something right and tell him about it.
Look at your own behavior as well: Figure out what you might be doing that could be making your partner respond defensively. Become more of the person he wants you to be and he might become more of the person you want him to be.
3. Do something different.
Without knowing you, I can say with some certainty that your “more of the same” behavior has been to pursue your spouse for sex. And since this has become a heated, ongoing issue, you’ve gotten into roles with each other. You pursue him or her for sex, and he or she declines. The more you push, the more your partner feels pressured or angry and pulls away.
It’s time for you to try a new approach.
First, back off for a while. No matter how attracted you might be to your spouse or how ready you might be to make love, for a certain period of time you should commit to not approaching him or her. Do not initiate sex for a while and see what happens. Don’t talk about this plan; just back off and wait. Sometimes the lower-sexed person simply needs more time to allow his or her batteries to recharge. When the tug of war has ended, he or she might feel more amorous. It’s worth a shot.
Backing off isn’t easy, especially if you’re feeling turned on. But if you haven’t tried it yet, at least for a few weeks at a time, put this on your short list of things to try.
Also, stop talking about sex and focus on yourself for a change. You may have been so focused on your relationship, at least the sexual part of it, that you have probably put your other needs aside. Rather than arguing about what is or isn’t happening in your relationship, use the time to focus on yourself and find things to do that fulfill you. Go out with friends. Join a health club. Volunteer. Once your partner sees you focusing on yourself rather than your sex life, he or she just might want to be more involved in your life—in every way.
Or do a 180: Wouldn’t it just blow your partner’s mind if you were to tell him or her that you have been doing some reading and that you now have a better understanding about his or her feelings and you’re sorry about all the fighting? Think about it: Your partner has been making you feel like a sex maniac and you’ve been making him or her feel like a celibate. You’re convinced that you’re right and he or she is convinced of the opposite. And where has all of that gotten you? I can’t guarantee that telling your spouse that you understand his or her feelings better will make your partner want to jump into bed, I can tell you that making your spouse “wrong” won’t.
4. Focus on what works.
Have there been times in your marriage when your sex life was more passionate? (Yes, I know, in the very beginning—newness makes hormones run amuck. That is not the case any longer.) Examine your marriage beyond the very beginning. Ask yourself, “What was different about the times when my spouse was more interested in sex?” See if any of those conditions are reproducible. Then reproduce them.
4 ways to Navigate Your Feelings for Someone
It can feel like absolute turmoil if you don’t have the tools to know how to manage your emotions when you develop feelings for someone, from agonizing despair, to intense euphoria, and everything in between. These are likely signs of love addiction, which can be a result of an overly romanticized social view of “romantic love” as the greatest virtue one can achieve.
If you’re one of the rare people in the world who knows exactly what to say and how to act when you develop feelings for someone, consider yourself lucky. For the rest of us, it takes conscious effort to figure out what to do and what not to do in these situations.
Through many years of missteps and mistakes, I figured out the healthiest ways to manage the development of feelings for someone, and most of the work is internal.
Here are the steps that have worked for me:
1. Figure out how to be happy when you’re by yourself.
If you’re able to find happiness from within, life becomes easier, but achieving this level of independence takes hard work. I read several self-help books and made a deliberate effort to treat myself like my own best friend.
We tend to use the word “alone” when we describe being by ourselves, but using the word “alone” implies that you are not a person. The fact is, you’re technically never alone because you’re always with yourself. You’re the only person that you’re around all the time, so you have to figure out how to start seeing yourself as a person and learn how to love that person. It’s an everyday struggle, but once you feel like you deserve to be treated well by yourself, a whole world of opportunities will open up for you.
In addition to that, you become more attractive to others because there isn’t as much pressure for other people to make you happy. The foundation of most–if not all–healthy relationships begins with people that can be happy by themselves so that when they find someone they’d like to spend their time with, they do so because the other person is a complement to their lives, and not a necessity.
2. Lower the stakes.
There’s a tendency to live inside our heads when we begin developing feelings for someone. Maybe you begin fantasizing what your lives would be like together, or how happy this person will make you. But once you start going down that road, you begin idealizing a person that you don’t know that well. You haven’t lived with this person. You don’t see this person everyday. You haven’t witnessed this person’s undesirable qualities or bad moods.
You’ve created a person who is perfect, a standard that no human can live up to. You’ve cast this person as a life-preserver instead of an actual flawed human being like everybody else. This person is not a magic pill for eternal happiness.
Also, contrary to what most television shows, movies, and books will have you believe, relationships actually take hard work with years of compromise and communication. It’s not some finish line to happiness. Once you’ve lowered the stakes, it’ll help you gain some perspective and realize that while it would be nice to spend time with this person, it won’t be catastrophic if you don’t, because you won’t be missing out on a perfect relationship that doesn’t exist.
8 Tips for Mindful Love-Making
Here’s how to improve your connection with your partner.
Mindfulness is being in the present moment with total awareness. But the one area where we can be the least present is in our relationships, and that includes our most intimate ones.
Mindful love-making is a whole new approach to being intimate with awareness, which means having sex not only for the sheer pleasure of it, but with our mind, body, and spirit combined, and as thoughtfully engaged as possible. Loving your partner mindfully will enhance the quality of your sex, and increase the closeness you experience together significantly. Not only will it become the type of love-making you crave, but it will be the only type of love-making you desire to give your partner.
Here are several ways to connect with your partner mindfully, and be as fully present as you can in the bedroom:
The best lovemaking is when two people are 100 percent present with each other, which means they are completely aware and sensitive of one another’s needs. A good way to make that happen is to set aside a special time for you and your partner to have sex. That way, you know that you’re bringing your complete attention to them, and that they are getting all of you in the experience, which is a turn-on.
Mindful lovemaking can happen when both people are fully present without distraction. Put your gadgets away. That means no phones nearby, or anything electronic that could go off and distract you. Being fully present with your partner means that you need nothing other than them to satisfy you.
Making love mindfully means being fully attuned to someone else’s body and needs. Communicate to your partner either verbally or through touch how much you want to satisfy them. Giving them all of your attention increases stimulation and satisfaction.
Think of what would make your partner happy or satisfy them. Showing your partner that you’ve taken the time to figure out what would excite them sexually lets them know that you care about them, and that they are very important to you.