Author: Ansuya Nathan

Prince Charming is Fired

by Ansuya Nathanin LOVE3 Comments on Prince Charming is Fired

Once upon a time there was a little girl who grew up surrounded by amazing female role models, was treated equally along side her brothers, had little to no ‘daddy issues’, excelled at school and was encouraged to follow her dreams. She grew up to be a strong, smart, confident woman who didn’t seem to have any problems with men. She seemed to be on track for a fairy tale kinda life.

In her 20s, things were going swimmingly. She was in a loving committed long-term relationship with a good man. She was doing what she loved and seeing the world whilst doing it. Boom!

Well, if she was honest with herself – as honest as one who has decided to write in the third person can be – it hadn’t been all roses.

In the tenth year of this relationship she looked about and realized she wasn’t really happy. She felt stuck. Trapped in her ‘castle’, if you will. She’d started to think things like ‘that’s what relationships are: hard work and compromise’. She wondered if she was even capable of being on her own. But the bottom line was she stopped seeing a future with this very good man. She had no idea when or how this happened, but it was her truth. She sat with it for a long time because you don’t just throw away ten good years on a whim.

In the end, she had to end it. It was the hardest thing she had ever done. It plunged her into a darkness that lasted a year or so. But deep in her heart she felt would find love again.

Slowly, she crawled out of the woods but ended up stumbling around in the relationship wilderness for what seemed like an eternity. There were numerous beginnings – each different and magical and full of potential – but nothing stuck. Each time she gave herself readily, eager for love and companionship, and each time – fizzle…

Being a reasonably self-aware sorta gal with a fondness for math analogies, she had to admit to herself that she was the common denominator here.  She was attracted to men who ultimately weren’t looking to be in a relationship.  But she continued to rule over The Kingdom of Singlehood because while she was aware of what she was doing, she seemed unable to cease.

Further insights came to her during her seven-year reign – ones to be shared in forthcoming tales – and she took solace in the fact that she was learning much about herself. But then came the kicker…

She can’t recall exactly how it came to her. She would love to mythologize the moment by saying it was during a particularly enlightened morning meditation but it was more likely birthed in the mundane action of scrubbing the bathtub, Cinderella style.

So here it is – the proverbial kiss to wake her from her slumber.

All this time, despite her being brought up to believe she could have, do and be anything a man could have, do and be, she had been waiting to be saved. She had been waiting for her knight in shining armor to swoop in and rescue her from her boring life. Waiting for someone to take her on adventures to other lands and make her their queen. Sure it looked like she was busy doing stuff – exciting stuff, even – but she would drop that in an instant to be swept up into someone else’s fabulous life.

It was an embarrassing truth to have uncovered. There was a torrent of tears and a tsunami of shame.  She, of all people, should know better than that. She who feared the damaging legacy fairy tales might have if told to her imaginary daughters. How could she let herself and all of womanhood down like that?

Whence the fog of self pity cleared, she had the clarity to say ‘Screw that! What exactly do I need saving from??’. The fact of the matter was her life was pretty darn good. She had lived in Sydney, London, Melbourne and now Los Angeles. She was still actively pursuing her youthful dreams. She had the most supportive, incredible  family and friends a girl could know. No more fantasy. No more living in wait.

Well, almost. She, of course, ran one last time into the arms of a jester who had been wooing her intermittently from afar with his words.  Someone with whom she had never lived in the same city but when they were visiting the same town – woah! But this was different ‘cos he had a soft spot for her adopted hometown and really, really wanted to live there too, so it was a possibility, right?

Needless to say, as the jester was from her murky past of picking unavailable men, she left their week-long dalliance devastated. Finally she saw what was actually in front of her. A complete fabrication. Once again, someone whom she had hoped would pluck her out of her life. She had a 14 hour flight to mentally compose the best ever ‘this is over’ email which she made real and pressed send upon her arrival home.

Twenty-four hours later, she met the man with whom she wants to spend the rest of her days. She is not naïve. She knows there will be ups and downs. The first few months of adjusting to sharing her kingdom was hella tough. (We’ll save that for another day.) And she also knows that so many other factors play into a fulfilling long-term relationship (again, other tales to share), not just deciding that holding out for a Prince, charming or otherwise, is a waste of a life.

But she is in love with a good man who is passionate, kind, supportive of her hopes and dreams and with whom she can be a goofball.

To Be Continued…

Why My Mother Tells My Boyfriend She Loves Him

by Ansuya Nathanin Mind

I’m in a relationship, please don’t hate me!

I’m in a loving committed relationship with an awesome man. We have a beautiful home together in sunny Los Angeles and because he came with a dog, I now have one, too. Overall, it’s pretty great. So great, I’m tempted to put a mini white picket fence around the patio of our ground floor apartment. But considering I’m such a klutz, I’ll probably end up impaling myself on it somehow.

As a girlfriend of mine recently pointed out, ‘this is a MAJOR turn in events’ for me having spent the last 7 years single. Yup. That’s right: seven years.  If you gasped in horror, I forgive you. I find that to be the most common reaction to my revelation. (For some of the reasons why, read this)

So when things changed, boy, did they change. I can’t tell you how relieved my mother is. Our Skype calls now end with her telling my significant other she loves him, whether he’s in the room or not.  I’m pretty sure my Dad’s relieved, too. He rarely asks me anymore if I’m ‘eating enough’, which in my family seems to be code for ‘are you happy?’. Which I am. He can see it in my eyes. And my cheeks. I even unintentionally became the Patron Saint for Late Love to my younger female cousin, who wrote to me to ask – and I quote – “How did you manage to trust someone after being single for so long and after meeting so many sh*theads?”

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Six Signs You Are Ready For A Keeper

by Ansuya Nathanin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Yep. You read that title right. There are tons of articles about how to know if the object of your affection is a keeper. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say that whether they are or not is immaterial if you are not ready to reciprocate keeper status. It is difficult to know if you are ready for a keeper. As always, I can only speak from my personal experience, but here are a few things that had to shift significantly before I was ready to keep and be ‘kept’.

1. You Are Looking For Your Equal.

One of the great romantic myths is that your significant other completes you in some way, that one plus one equals a happy whole. That implies that you are each half people stumbling around in the dark waiting for your life to begin once you find that missing puzzle piece. But I’d rather see it as finding someone who compliments you – two complete humans who together form an awesome team.

Here’s another way of looking at it: Why would you want to be with someone with whom the balance is uneven? Why ‘settle’ for someone – it will only lead to resentment. Or, why put yourself in a position of deference, constantly trying to prove your worth to someone? Ultimately, mutual respect will breed relationship longevity. Not as sexy as co-dependency, sure, but absolutely vital if you want something substantial.

2. You Are Able To See Things As They Are.

Forget X-Ray vision – the ability to see things as they are is the true super power! It is one that I have occasionally and one that makes life easier in general. When you can see things as they are (i.e. not how you would like them to be, nor a catastrophized version), then you know what you are working with and have the power to decide whether this person is right for you. An added bonus that comes from being a seer of The Truth Of Things is that you kinda have to give up the idea of changing someone. The ability to accept someone unconditionally is another step on the way to keeper status because you get to practice one half of that romantic ideal – unconditional love.

3. You Would Rather Be Single Than In A Not So Great Relationship

So now that you’ve gained that elusive aforementioned super power and you realize that you can’t change anyone and that the choice is always yours, it becomes pointless to continue pursuing something that is not right for you. Standing on your own takes courage. It can be lonely being single. But in my experience it is so much lonelier being in a relationship that isn’t working. Ultimately, I think it comes down to this – if you are holding on to someone that isn’t making your heart sing, then there is no room for anyone else.  Clear the space and do the work. Which brings me to…

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Newly Coupled: the Learning Curve

by Ansuya Nathanin LOVE

Adjusting from being single to being in a relationship can be difficult, to say the least. Believe me, I know. I went from ten years in a relationship to seven years out – not for want of trying I might add – to now being firmly ensconced in one for a year or so. In honor to celebrate the wondrous feat that is one full year of grown up love, I thought I’d make a list of a few of the dumb things I said early on, in the “getting used to someone being in my life” phase.

Fitting, right? I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

Here goes… This is in no apparent order – chronological, humiliation factor or otherwise.

1. “I hope to be with you as long as I can.”

I’ll come clean with you and say I had a pathological fear of forever. I am less afraid of it now but still don’t really believe in it. It went the way of my twenties. My previous relationship – the one that lasted ten years – had the big FOREVER stamp on it. When that ended, I realized nothing is as certain as USPS stamps, certainly not love.  That’s not to say I don’t believe that love or a relationship can’t last a lifetime. (Triple negative!) In fact, that is what led me to say the stupid thing above. I was feeling those forever feelings – wanting the flush of new love to never end, savoring that deep warm connection between two like souls, desiring nothing more than to bask in his glow FOREV – for as long as I could… Despite what I was feeling, my previous experiences had told me that forever did not exist in the real world. And I did not want to jinx this new love, not after being in the wilderness for so long. Hence the more realistic phrasing of what I was wishing for. I said it more than once. Truth be told I said it so often it could have become my jaded yet feisty sitcom character’s catchphrase. My boyfriend was kind enough to smile, say “me too” and continue to make out with me on the couch each time. It was only months later when I had stopped that he pointed out the absurdity of it all. And by that time I had graduated to saying ‘I love you’ when those forever feelings arose.

2. “ I don’t believe in missing people”

I can’t remember the exact words but the sentiment was the above. Let me set the scene. We were about three weeks into going steady and my beau was driving me to the airport. Before we met, I had booked an awesome trip to Toronto to see friends. It was my treat to me and I was very excited. He, however, was less than enthusiastic about the prospect of me leaving for ten days and had already told me a few times before how much he’d miss me. From my Zen-like high horse, I gently implied that missing people is a sure sign of not being in the present moment and that I tried to live my life in the present. He looked a little forlorn. Clearly, not the response he was hoping for. But I was proud of myself for not feeling forced to say something I didn’t feel at the time. The irony, of course, was that I ended up missing him intensely, which was super confusing for this fiercely independent woman. We would talking for an hour each day and I even told him I loved him for the first time on the phone from three time zones away. The longest three seconds of my life was waiting for his response.

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