4. You Have Forgiven Yourself
I debated on whether to include this on the list. But, I know it in my heart of hearts to be true. We’ve all been around the block a few times, caused a few casualties and been victim to a few, too. As long as you are holding on to any guilt or resentments, it will inform your future relationships. You will either spend your time atoning for past wrongs done by you or be militantly guarding against being wronged. That’s not to say you won’t still have tinges of regret or rage at those icky memories. But accepting you might have done some dumb things or allowed dumb things to happen to you is the best way to prevent bringing your baggage with you on the Next Adventure.
5. You Listen To Your Gut
Because the truth is you ALWAYS know if they are the real deal. And I mean ALWAYS. C’mon, admit it – you know you do; you know I’m right on this. You might not know the exact whys or wherefores but you will know that something is not right. Conversely, you know when it’s right because there is ease. Things align. There is no tussling (except for, hopefully, during sexy times).
6. You Believe You Deserve Love
I thought for many years I was ready. I yearned to be in a loving committed relationship. But there was a disconnect between what I wanted and what I thought I deserved. Ask anyone what they want in a relationship and you’ll get variations on the same theme, if indeed they want one at all. Ask someone what they think they deserve and you might get something different. The more different the list is, the deeper they have to dig to uncover it – it’s difficult to admit feelings of unworthiness – then the deeper the work they have to do to unroot those beliefs. Again, believe me, I’ve uncovered it and I’m doing the work. What I wanted was the usual litany of wonderful attributes. What I thought I deserved was far less and so that is what I got for a very long time.
There are no easy answers; there are no quick fixes. But taking the focus off finding Mr. or Ms. Right and looking honestly at your stuff goes a long way. I have learned so much about myself and the way I see the world and that has helped me immeasurably in my relationship. I am so much better at seeing what is my baggage, and I try my best not to take it out on my loving, supportive boyfriend – with varying degrees of success!
It takes effort to be a good person. It’s so much easier to be selfish and self-centered and act out. Admittedly, there are no guarantees that ‘doing the work’ will yield results. However, when you find the person you want to be better for, that is a really good sign you are onto a keeper. So why not get on with the work in the meantime?