If you don’t know how to choose between two guys, I’m going to enlighten you.
I know this is a really difficult position to be in because it’s confusing to everyone involved. Unfortunately you are going to have to hurt someone that you care about by letting him go and that really sucks. If you need a bit of help on how to choose between two guys, here’s a couple of good ways to clarify that whirlwind of emotions going through your mind.
1. DETERMINE THE QUALITIES OF EACH GUY
One of the best tips on how to choose between two guys is to determine what you want in a partner. Make a list and write down qualities that you think makes a good partner. Although we all have a unique criteria when choosing a guy, there are certain qualities that a good guy should have. Qualities like loyalty, kindness, compassion and helpfulness are must-haves. Think about which guy actually has the qualities that you are looking for in a long-term partner.
2. HOW COMPATIBLE ARE YOU?
Figure out who are you most compatible with when it comes to important factors like lifestyle choices, personalities, career goals, finances and the number of children you want to have. Now number each one of these things in order of importance. This list will serve as a roadmap and it will help lead you to the guy that is the best fit for you.
3. COMPARE THE TWO SUITORS
It’s #time to be analytical and compare the two guys trying to win your heart. Write down the name of each guy next to the item that you have on your lists if he matches it. Weigh the importance of each item as you go. It will become a bit more clear which guy is better suited for you because he will match up with a lot of the things that you are looking for in a relationship and in a guy in general.
4. RELATIONSHIP DEAL-BREAKERS
Think about the things that you won’t tolerate in a #partner. Some relationship deal-breakers might be like never compromises, has no passion for traveling, calls you names, tries to control you and gets angry easily. An overly-involved #ex can also be a relationship deal-breaker. Ask yourself if either guy comes with a relationship deal-breaker.
You Are My Last Alcoholic Relationship
“…I’ve unfriended you on Facebook and blocked your phone number. You are my last alcoholic. Goodbye.”
I don’t like to say that my family is all alcoholics, but we have pretty strong numbers. My grandfather was dead at 45, his liver rotted through, leaving behind a small family and a whole town of party buddies who thought he was really great. It’s an established fact that alcoholism runs through families. It doesn’t necessarily breed other alcoholics, but it breeds codependents and nurturers and excuse makers and people who seek out alcoholics as partners.
I’m not an alcoholic, and my sister isn’t, but we find ‘em and we date ‘em. It’s what we’re good at. She is of the opinion that there’s no man in the world who’s not an alcoholic, because she hadn’t met one yet.
I can tell when someone is an alcoholic or an addict without ever seeing them use. It is my superpower, because if you are an alcoholic or addict active in your addiction,
- I will find you attractive. I will feel that magical flutter in my chest that only happens in the movies and which I now associate with fear.
- Alcoholics will tell you the same stories over and over, and they forget the things you tell them, because they weren’t listening. They tell you things when they’re drunk and they don’t remember when they’re sober. This is your problem.
- Alcoholics may brush with greatness, but sometimes they don’t seem to have achieved very much. Maybe they were nearly in a big band, or they used to be in one, or made some great art when they were younger, but now they’re 40 and call themselves a photographer but the last time they took a picture was last year sometime, or they just keep losing job after job because everyone else is a JERK.
- Alcoholics don’t prioritize sex. Personally, I love sex, and if I love you, I really want to have sex with you, lots of it. Alcoholics might have sex with you if they are able to after the bar closes and if there’s no booze in the house. And that’s abnormal. Science tells us that healthy men will prioritize sex over food, over sleep, over personal safety- but not over addiction.
- Sometimes you can tell someone is an alcoholic because nothing is ever their fault. If you hang around long enough, everything will become your fault.
- Sometimes you can tell someone is an alcoholic because they are so charming and wonderful, and when they are nice to you, it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world, and it covers you in warmth and light, and when it turns off it feels like the planet Hoth. Alcoholics are two different people. You think that once they stop drinking, the bad selfish lying part will go away and the sweet smart creative will stay behind and love you, but the fact is that the second thing is a fiction that allows the first thing to survive. The mean drunk is who they really are.
- My last alcoholic was a super smart very handsome photographer that had been a TA for twenty years and wasn’t sure what had happened. He came to visit me from San Francisco and suggested we go to a bar in LA, and at the bar in a city where he didn’t live, everyone knew his name. So I was concerned.
The First 12 Minutes —Do’s & Don’ts When Meeting Someone New
Countdown to LOVE: A new survey reveals that it takes just 12 minutes to discover whether or not you like someone.
Body odour was found to be the most off-putting characteristic for six in ten hopeful singles (59 per cent), followed by bad breath (53 per cent).
Meanwhile, four in ten of us (38 per cent) get turned off if their date starts swearing – and it appears we start judging people even before we meet face-to-face.
One in 20 singles (6 per cent) research their date online by viewing their social media pages on Facebook and Twitter.
A quarter (25 per cent) of people will also make drastic changes to their appearance so they impress a potential partner on a big date with a new haircut, new perfume or a manicure being cited as the most popular options for women.
You’re being judged! Singletons will be immediately judged on their smile, whether they make eye contact and their tone of voice, while swearing, bad breathe and body odor are big turn-offs.
Meanwhile one in 20 men (5 per cent) will grow designer stubble to impress on the day.
One in sixteen women (6 per cent) and one in 20 men (5 per cent) go on a diet in the lead up to a first date.
Making a good impression: A quarter of people will also make drastic changes to their appearance so they impress a potential partner on a big date
And it appears almost twice as many men are more forgiving and will offer their date a second chance after a bad first encounter.
Psychologist Donna Dawson said: ‘It is the little things you can do that will mean a lot and will put you ahead in the dating game.
‘For example, good hygiene and fresh breath reveal self-respect and consideration for others.
“Wearing clothes which make you feel both smart and comfortable will help you to relax, which in turn provides the confidence to create a great first impression.
‘Eye contact conveys sincerity and trustworthiness, and shows you are interested in the other person.
‘Human beings are programmed to return a smile so smiling, even when you are nervous, will get you and your first date off to a good start.’
A spokesperson from AXA, who commissioned the research, added: ‘That initial step in a relationship can be a nervous experience, but an important one.
‘You need to think about the little things that will mean a lot on that first date; it appears first impressions are formed very quickly!’
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
New Normals for Dating Today
If you are asked what modern dating means to you, what will be your answer?
When I first moved to New York in 2010, OkCupid and PlentyOfFish were the big things to join. I was 21, fresh out of a bad relationship and more than ready to meet (what I thought were) attractive, successful, smart men living in the big city. Over the course of the past six years, four of which I’ve spent single, I’ve watched the dating game change dramatically.
Just a few years ago, my friends couldn’t go into one bar in any part of time without being hit on by multiple guys, and nowadays, we all snicker to ourselves as we watch the same type of guys swiping on their phones while they’re waiting on a Jack and Coke. While there’s no one way to define ‘modern dating’ — I think it’s safe to say that technology, and dating apps specifically, have changed how singles view and respond to meeting the right person. Or in some cases, hundreds of ‘right now’ people.
“Modern dating is moving more and more towards dating apps,” Psychologist and counselor, Nikki Martinez, Psy.d., LCPC, tells Bustle. “This is an immediate gratification or rejection in many ways, and often times skips the normal courtship of talking and getting to know each other. I see the dating start and burn out much faster before they find the one. Dating has changed due to people focusing more on career into longer years, and prioritizing this, or they were married young, divorced, and are back out in the dating world. They need new avenues to meet people and connect.”
So while having options and unlimited swipes can be a way to come across folks you typically wouldn’t, how are singles responding to modern dating? Here, I asked men, women, straight, gay, divorced and more about what modern dating means to them:
1. Modern Dating Is… Netflix & Chillin’
“I am old-fashioned in that I still expect to go out for drinks or dinner with a guy on a first date (drinks if he’s from an app). But most other people view ‘modern dating’ as going to someone’s house to ‘Netflix and Chill.’ -Jenna, 31
2. Modern Dating Has… A Character Limit
“Modern dating is being able to sum yourself up in 500 characters or less and hoping you get super likes on Tinder. That being said, I don’t hate it. It takes a lot of legwork out of romance.” -Kathryn, 27
3. Modern Dating Is … Instant Gratification Relationships
“Any and all relationships happening now, now, now. We’re the generation of instant gratification in everything, and dating is not exception.” -Zoe, 28
4. Modern Dating Is… A Big Balancing Act
“At my age, modern dating is about squeezing in dates in between other priorities like work, exercise and friends. Modern dating is also very Tinder-esque: maybe not taking enough time to get to know someone before dismissing them. I don’t think people are willing to put as much time into dating.” -Hilary, 40
5. Modern Dating Is… Tedious
“The game has changed over the years and online/app based dating has replaced the once charming ‘meet-cute’ that I as a hopeless romantic still hope for.” -Jonathan, 32
Succeeding at Dating a Co-Worker
Office romances are generally not recommended, but they happen all the time, and when they do there are usually three possible outcomes.
When I was 22, I dated a coworker for a year.
Tyler and I didn’t meet on the job. We had been in a relationship for almost four years before we started working together (which, by the way, wasn’t planned). But for about a year we sat three cubes apart from each other and kept our relationship under wraps.
It wasn’t always easy. We were young and worried about our reputations. It wasn’t against company policy to date a coworker, but I didn’t know what people would think if they knew we were involved romantically — so, for those reasons, we chose to keep it a secret.
It was tricky at times. We arrived and left separately. We didn’t acknowledge each other in the hallways. We didn’t eat lunch together. We avoided our colleagues on social media. We worried about running into coworkers on weekends.
It was a bit exhausting, so I was somewhat relieved when Tyler got a new job elsewhere.
Office romances are generally not recommended, but they happen all the time, and when they do there are usually three possible outcomes. The relationship turns sour, and your reputation and career take a beating. It ends, but you’re both mature and cordial and don’t let the breakup affect your work. Or things work out.
Luckily, we fall into the last category. Tyler and I survived our year as coworkers and got married in October.
A new survey by CareerBuilder found that nearly 40% of employees admitted to having a romantic relationship with a coworker, and almost one-third of office relationships result in marriage. Meanwhile, about 5% of workers who have had a workplace romance say they have left a job because of an office relationship gone bad.
I recently asked my Business Insider colleagues about their own office romances. Here are the stories of love, heartache, and regret that seven of them shared:
‘I soon realized I had a fairly debilitating crush on our show’s story producer.’
“In 2008, I landed my first job in television production by responding to a Craigslist ad. Relatively unaware of what I was getting myself into, I accepted a $30-a-day internship offer, happy to have any semblance of employment in the midst of the Great Recession, which was in full swing.
“It turned out that I’d go on to spend the better part of the next year on the road with the Big Apple Circus, helping document the lives of dozens of performers and crew members for the multipart PBS series ‘Circus.’ And though I barely realized it at the time, from then on the course of my life would change.
“Adapting to production life on a circus lot was a unique challenge. Not only was I grappling with how to operate new and exotic camera and audio equipment on the fly, I was also thrust into a touring schedule that involved multiple stops in some of the more unsavory nooks and crannies of the American East Coast. It was awesome, but intense.
“To make matters worse, I soon realized I had a fairly debilitating crush on our show’s story producer, a beautiful but impossible-to-read narrative specialist who was very much my senior and, as I saw it, way out of my league.
“In spite of this seemingly insurmountable challenge, I was persistent about getting to know her. First by ensuring that the shoot notes I sent her after each day were impeccably thorough and detailed (and injected with my own brand of humor and whimsy), then by engaging her in conversation over the course of social gatherings in the trailers of members of the circus troupe (the trapeze artists, in particular, knew how to throw a good party).
“In this unorthodox setting, I’m pleased to report that our love blossomed. We got married in the fall of 2011, and are eagerly awaiting the arrival of our first kid this July. We still work together from time to time, too.” —Marcus Ricci, BI Studios video director
Why Sex on a First Date is Passe
Not sleeping with someone on a first date is the number one rule of dating, but why? Well, we’ve discovered there are are many, many reasons, so listen up, ladies.
In the new book, The 30-Day Love Detox, CNN Human Behavior expert and former co-host of The Doctors, Dr. Wendy Walsh, writes a research-supported prescription for slow-love. Her mission: to help single women compete for a narrowing market of men who will make a commitment in a high-supply sexual economy. Here’s why we, apparently, should not be getting it on after a first date.
1. It reduces chances for real love
Sex is lust over love but it’s still a hugely intimate act. It can be fumbling, awkward, and frankly, more than a little embarrassing when normal bodily functions happen in front of a stranger. The way the brain deals with this awkwardness is to disassociate a bit. It creates emotional distance keeping the physical intimacy in one tidy little box and the heart in another, safely under lock and key. Attempting to have both emotional and physical intimacy on a first date would be too much for our psyche’s to tolerate. And once you’ve set up the two-box system, it can be hard to break. Therefore, in one study, participants who moved fast sexually, had the worst relationship outcomes later.
2. It can bring feelings of regret
Think about it. Most women want sex for the first time with a new partner to be a mind-blowing special experience that brings them closer to a mate. And in one study called “the passion turning point” study, participants who expressed feelings of love and/or had conversations about commitment before that first-time sex, found the event to be positive passion turning point. The sex made them feel even more connected and secure. But if they didn’t have these conversations, sex became a negative turning point in their relationship, evoking feelings of regret and needs for apologies. And, who, on a first date is ready to talk about love and commitment?
3. You Can Get Really Sick
Oh yeah, that part. Most women wouldn’t give the keys to their apartment to a man they’d just met, to water her plants, yet plenty would expose their bloodstream and precious eggs to the same man. Let’s face it. Women’s unique biology makes us far more susceptible to STD’s than men. We, after all, are the ones who accept deposits. And if you think, using a condom is enough, think only about the new stat that the HPV virus one of the biggest causes of throat cancer.
4. Women don’t as often, ahem, get off
Yes, I must mention the big “O” here. Many women report that first date sex is so awkward and run on a man’s timeline, that her body doesn’t receive the necessary warm up time needed to reach climax. Men’s sexual arousal pattern is like a microwave oven. Women are more like a crock-pot. And way to put sex on slow boil is to move slowly and wait until you’ve grown close enough to have good sexual communication.
5. It can make a man run for the hills
Here’s a study I hated to read. Groundbreaking work by David Buss at the University of California, Los Angeles, showed that the more sexual partners a man has had, the more he perceives “diminished attractiveness” in each new mate. It’s a race to the bottom for him. Each new woman disappoints him more. It’s as if he is looking for some princess of a woman whose sex will tell him he’s in love. And you can be sure, if he’s pressuring for sex on the first date, this man has had many partners. But, real love, of course, is something that takes while to grow.
Dating Differences in Foreign Lands Like Korea and Iran
Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. But the way they do it in different countries is very, very different.
Here’s a glimpse into what it’s like to find Mr. or Mrs. Right in one of these five countries with distinctive dating practices.
COUNTRY: SOUTH KOREA
Dating Difference: Korean men tend to be pretty forward when they like someone. It’s typical for him to call a woman the first day he meets her and send endless text messages. Since most Koreans are well into their university years when they start dating, there are love hotels where they can go to get some privacy, reports the blog EatYourKimchi.com.
Biggest Shocker: The ways things work in courtship and the actual relationship are almost polar opposite. Chris Walker-Bush, an Australian who spent time teaching English in Korea, writes on his blog Aussie on the Road that it’s common to see Korean men carry around their girlfriend’s purse while out shopping, but that’s not likely to continue into marriage. While the man may be a bit docile and accommodating to the woman while dating, the woman slips into a traditional subservient role once the deal is closed.
COUNTRY: CHINA
Dating Difference: China is a country of extremes, with modern cities surrounded by the old, rural ways of life. And the dating space also shows these competing interests. Women in China are now more educated, but very traditional Chinese men may still want women “beneath them,” who are less educated and more subservient, reports a story on ChinaDaily.com. Still, it’s not all in favour of the men – a Chinese guy will still try to treat his woman to meals and outings.
Biggest Shocker: For those too busy to look for a date in some Chinese cities, they can get handwritten ads clipped up in public areas like parks – by their grandparents. Yes, Chinese elders help out their younger family members by looking for love for them.
What Not to Do During the First Few Dates
Forget the “rules” about dating.
There are no hard and fast rules for getting to know someone better, but there are some easy mistakes you can avoid to ensure you won’t send him off and running or give her the cold shoulder and lose your chances with someone great. According to data collected from Relationup, an app that provides live, anonymous relationship advice, 68% of their users seeking advice about new relationships want help managing the beginning phase of the relationship.
Here are five common mistakes people make in the dating process, why they don’t work, and some tips for how to overcome them.
Over- or under-texting.
If all you want to do is send texts to your crush all day long, let’s face it: you might be needy. You come alive with the intensity of a new relationship and may need a lot of reassurance, but over-texting isn’t going to help. Send too much too fast can easily overwhelm the receiver. Their desire to text may not match yours, which can lead you to overanalyze the situation and worry. However, if you tend to be guarded and don’t want to show your cards too quickly, step up and make sure that you reciprocate and initiate some texts as well. If you don’t respond or send a few flirts here and there, you may come across aloof and give the impression that you’re not as interested as you really are.
Rushing into things after a hook-up.
More and more, hook-ups are becoming a common way to meet someone. Sometimes, that one-night stand results in the couple never having contact again. However, some hook-ups mark the beginning of a budding relationship. Remember, physical intimacy doesn’t mean you are necessarily close and connected. Following a single fling, take time to get to know the other person and see what direction it takes, if any.
Replacing live conversations with texts.
Don’t fight or make apologies over texts. Texts are too ambiguous and misinterpretations can easily happen. Do the old-fashioned thing and pick up the phone (if you were texting, it’s already in your hand) and even leave a message if you have to. The tone of your voice helps set a context for what you are saying. Your humility, sincerity and willingness to work through a problem will come through when you talk to each other directly and repairing any damage made will be quick and painless.
Game Playing in Dating – How’s That Working for You?
Will men forever be commitmentphobes? Will women forever feel abandoned?
My books are gender and sexual orientation neutral. I rarely write posts for just one gender but this one is mostly for women dating men but portions of it apply to everyone.
When I was a practicing therapist working with women moving on from a relationship and getting ready to date again, I would encourage them to be a little less available than they had been in their last relationship. Women, inevitably, would say to me, “I don’t want to play games. I want to be who I am.”
Okay, well why are you an always available person? Why would anyone in his or her right mind find that attractive? (Women, believe it or not, tend to be more forgiving of no-life men even though they shouldn’t be…everyone should have a life…if you are looking for a no-life person, it’s insecurity on your part).
BUT more importantly, in pursuing this person or making sure this person likes/is attracted to YOU, you are missing all the signs that he might be a problem later on.
To break that down:
1. Having your own life and your own interests makes you an attractive person. This is true when you’re dating or when you’re married 10 years. You do not want to advertise a person with a great life who isn’t ever going to be a burden or a weepy “you never pay attention to me” girlfriend and then give it all up for a relationship. That’s bait and switch and not fair to the relationship or to you.
I am telling you that a man will hardly ever say, “What happened to the vibrant, interesting woman I met?” but he’s thinking it. Even if he seems to WANT you around all the time, the bottom line is that he really doesn’t.
If a man is going to be there for you when you really need him, you have to choose your needing him times. Do you need him when you broke a nail? When your mother said something nasty to you? When you perceived that he gave you “a look”? Or when you lose your job? It is hard in the early going to figure out if someone is going to be a good and solid partner because usually you’re not going to go to your new boyfriend with a crisis and if you do, new boyfriend will usually respond the way new boyfriends do.
But if you start with the drama and waterworks right away, over practically nothing, he might say “there there” but he’s thinking “not here, not here.” Healthy men do not want emotionally fragile women. Unhealthy men don’t either but you’re not giving him the chance to “show his face” as one or the other if you’re always going on about something.
2. If it doesn’t work out, whether next week, next year or 5 years from now, you have a life and friends and good things to go back to. So many women are left at the end of a relationship wondering what the HELL to do with herself. “I gave up my friends, my family, my classes, my hobbies to nest with Mr. Wonderful. Now Mr. Wonderful is gone and my nest is empty and so is my life.”
Yes, women want to nest but your man can fly the coop. Especially if the coop is boring and engulfing. Biologically and historically women are the nesters and men are the hunters/gatherers. But women in 2016 should be spending time outside the nest and not acting like Ms. Cave Lady waiting for Grog to bring home the bronto burgers.
3. In general, men and women bond at very different places on the bonding spectrum. This is biological and innate and nothing you can do about it. It has to do with closeness hormones like oxytocin and anti-closeness hormones like testosterone.
Based on evolutionary biology and bonding hormones, the bonding spectrum is created. The bonding spectrum goes from complete attachment to complete separation. Think of it as line that goes to 100 with 0 percent being complete separation and 100 percent being complete attachment. Women, full of oxytocin and loving attachment, bond at about 80-90 percent on the bonding spectrum.
The closer they can get to complete attachment, the better they feel (nesting). Men – lower on oxytocin and higher in testosterone and biologically wired – bond at about 50 percent on the bonding spectrum. They fear engulfment and enmeshment any higher and they fear abandonment and insignificance any lower.
Women do not get that men are NOT trying to run away. Ladies, men do want connection and they want attachment. They just want it in a different zone. Remember, men were hunters and if they were just lazing around the nest, nothing would get hunted. So biologically they are designed to be out and about to get stiff done.
So women and men just innately bond at different places (yes, there are exceptions but the average is this).
So what’s the answer? For men and women to be in complete conflict forever and ever over where on the bonding spectrum they should fall…therefore never bonding? Will men forever be commitmentphobes? Will women forever feel abandoned? No.
In Getting Back Out There, I speak about what makes a happy and healthy couple and separate hobbies, interests, friends and time apart are almost universal in happy couples.
There are plenty of couples who just naturally fall into the “come here/go away” rhythm that makes for a happy relationship. People who know, just know, that to be a happy person they need to have a happy, whole identity separate and apart from the relationship. Even if there’s marriage and kids. A happy and whole person has SOMETHING TO DO that involves her and only her outside the family unit.
But these women are not the ones that have engulfment/abandonment issues. This is for those who do: I don’t know how else to explain it but when a man is secure that he will not be engulfed if he goes higher than 50 percent, he WILL go higher than 50 percent…even to 80 or 90 percent…but it has to be for a finite period of time and it helps if the woman breaks the bond and goes back to separation than if he feels as if he’s running away or needs to pull himself away in the face of tears and recriminations.
When his visit to the higher end of the spectrum turns ugly because he tried to move back to his 50 percent, he’s going to be less inclined, next time, to visit you at 80 percent and hang around the nest snuggling and cuddling on Sunday morning. If he feels warm and loving and you are getting the affection (not sex but affection) you so dearly want, it helps A LOT to appreciate it and even be the first to jump out of bed and get on with the day. Yes, I know how hard that is, but trust me, it helps a great deal.
When he is feeling less inclined, you will do the one wrong thing you can do: chase him. You will feel abandoned and unloved and run down to get him and try to DRAG him up to 80 but now he is running toward 30 and eventually to 0, trying to get away from this engulfing crazy person. And you’ll either breakup or be doing this dance forever.
I also know women who say, “Well why do I have to orchestrate all this? Why can’t he move closer to me?” Well, dear, he WILL move closer to you as long as he knows he can move away when the time comes. Even better, if he knows you will get bored with your intimacy first, he’ll be back for more in no time. And women pout and ask, “So how is this NOT a game?” It’s NOT A GAME because it recognizes that the differing bonding zones are biological and there is really no reason to try to fight it. We can march in protest, write treatises, scream from the rooftops and hope for an evolution of the not-fairer-sex but chances are it won’t happen tomorrow because you can’t overcome biological bonding by civil decree.
So why do women have to work on separation? Why can’t men work more on attachment? Because there’s really no payoff for men to be more attached. There’s nothing THERE for them on the higher end of the bonding spectrum. Even if you get them to sit around the nest, they’re going to play video games and watch football. For them nesting still involves checking out to some degree. So nesting to him is not the same as nesting to you. What is love and intimacy to you is laziness to him and do you want Mr. Lazy hanging out playing Madden 2016? No, you do not.
Even though women say they want men closer and at 80 percent, I can assure you that you do not. Ask any woman whose husband retired early and is now driving her bananas. Even if you, as a woman, wanted to be bonded and attachment at 80 percent all the time, what exactly do you do and how does it remain special? Answer: it doesn’t. You’ll both get bored and/or dysfunctional and it will be a mess.
So what is the payoff for women to work harder on being on the separation end of the spectrum? For one, when you “hang back” during dating, you get to observe this guy. Who is he? What is he all about? If you’re chasing him or trying to get him to chase you or you’re hyperventilating because he has called in the past 15 minutes, you’re never going to be able to collect objective data. Objective Data?!?! That’s not romantic!?!? No, it’s not. But being without it has led you to disaster, hasn’t it? SO COLLECT THE OBJECTIVE DATA!
Second, when you are not always trying to DRAG your guy to the closer end of the spectrum, he won’t rebel against it…and then he will WANT to be intimate and will want to get closer when you are on the higher end. So your bonding will be deeper and richer and nicer and better.
Now a caveat to this is men who purposely keep women (or several women) at arm’s length. They orchestrate this by having more than one woman or never committing fully to one woman (even if they’re married) and they dabble in the 80 percent with each woman knowing they can separate at any time. But again, HE’S orchestrating this because he doesn’t trust women and he doesn’t want to be tied to one woman. That’s a cheater. (stop calling them players and start calling them what they are–CHEATING LIARS, players makes it sound fun).
If he’s the one playing “come here/go away” you know there’s a problem. He should not be dictating YOUR availability. You should. And that includes “call me” or “we’ll go out…” blah blah. DO NOT get sucked into this early on. Do not let him call the communication shots. Do not do it. Get a grip early on otherwise you’ll be on the crappy end of a carrot on a stick.
Third, whole people have whole relationships. Healthy people have healthy relationships. Having separate issues and your own friends and time apart is HEALTHY. So if you both separate and go do your thing and have your own interests and friends, you are healthy people and whole people and when you come back together it will be BLAM! Seriously. And this starts when you’re dating and continues until you’re married 50 years. ALWAYS have your own friends, ALWAYS have your own interests, ALWAYS take time for you: alone time and time to be good to yourself, ALWAYS take some time away from the guy and the relationship that he isn’t totally crazy about (they’ll learn that it’s okay and you and him will still be okay), and ALWAYS work on yourself and the things in you that need attention. (if you have trouble being alone, you can start there).
So the idea is to not always be available when you are dating. Do not answer every call, text or email. Do not accept every invitation to every day. And do not act like this person is the be all end all of all time. Pull back a bit, physically, mentally and emotionally. When you do bond and things are good, leave sooner than you would like. Leave it good. Leave when you really want to stay longer. Don’t linger. Be upbeat about leaving and think of it in a positive way. It’s important to not leave too early and not leave too late. It’s important to leave them wanting more.
Also if YOU leave before the guy or you start to pull away first, YOU won’t feel abandoned. If he starts to end a great evening or weekend or event earlier than you’re ready to end it, your first instinct is to get him to stay longer because you’re feeling insecure and/or abandoned. He senses your tugging and it makes him want to RUN, not walk, to his nice little “not engulfed” corner and when he’s nervous, it’s not about getting back to his 50 percent…it’s about getting to 30 or 20 or 10 percent. This is when guys disappear and women panic.
It’s very preventable unless he has BIG issues and if he does, you need to know it’s not something YOU caused. Again, another payoff to leaving early. You’ll KNOW you did nothing wrong to cause this running off craziness. It’s also important to go for 50 percent most of the time. You don’t want to make a man SO insecure that he loses his mind because they tend to do that on the lower end of the spectrum. You don’t want him to feel engulfed OR insignificant.
Remember, he does not want to feel abandoned or insignificant. So you can’t just disappear completely for a long period of time…but don’t be always available either. It takes practice but you begin to know what makes a guy feel at 50 percent.
Some romantic, truly into you guys will want you all the time, but you have to keep your own life. But not to the point where they start to feel abandoned and unimportant (dipping below that 50 percent line toward 40 and then 30 and maybe even 20! Men start to miss you and want you at 45-25, but start to think, “Screw her.” about about 20 so 20 isn’t good.) If you’re out having dinner with friends, bring him home some food. If you’re out and about, let him know you’re thinking of him, but still be out and about.
This is not a game. And you ask WHY? because to you it SOUNDS like a game. It’s not. Although the idea is to spark desire in someone else, it also gives you the bonus of having your own life (because you don’t want to pretend to go out with your friends, you want to go out with your friend) and of being able to gauge someone’s reaction to this. If a guy doesn’t want you to leave and shows signs of controlling or being a big baby, you want to know that too. If a guy has objections about you retaining your friends and your interests, you want to know that. If a guy wants you to be a no-life nobody who is only interested in you being available to him, you want to know that. If a guy runs off to do inappropriate things when you’re not together, you want to know that. If there are red flags, you want to know that (and again, OBJECTIVE DATA GATHERING).
If you pull away or are unavailable and he never tries to pull you closer, you want to know that. You want to step back and give him the chance to show you what you mean to him. How does he respond if you’re not there? Does he turn into a demanding idiot? a control freak? or does he not give a damn? Again, you want someone in the middle…gives you the space but then says, “I miss you.” and asks, in a healthy way, for some “us” time. So the payoff for women is HUGE. Being unavailable sometimes and being in control of your time actually works MORE for women than for men.
Although it seems like capitulating to the way men naturally like things, it isn’t. There is a HUGE payoff for women. A better life. More interested men. Healthier men. The ability to pull back and see your own life as well as your budding relationship. Nicer and deeper intimacy. This is NOT about playing a game. It’s about understanding the innate and biological differences between men and women and capitalizing on that instead of being a victim complaining about men who won’t commit. Take Charge Today. And don’t stop doing these things no matter how committed or how long-term the relationship is.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Millennials Dish on Dating Older
May-December romances are frequently misunderstood. When you’re dating someone older, people might assume that the dynamic of the relationship is unhealthy or fundamentally unequal.
The ‘gold digger’ stigma can also come into play, and suggests that people choose older partners solely for their money.
“It’s a time-honored tradition in Hollywood for older men to date younger women, and cougar couples have become all the rage as well,” the New York Daily News explained, in an introduction to a slideshow on the May-December relationship trope in the entertainment industry.
To learn more about what these relationships are really like, ATTN: reached out to four people who have dated someone older than themselves via email about their experiences and relationship advice.
Here are five tips for dating someone older than you.
1. Ignore the haters.
When your partner looks visibly older than you, people might get a little nasty.
Courtney Croft, a 26-year-old Nashville-based anthropologist married to a 40-year-old man, explained that while she and her partner didn’t encounter too many problems in their personal lives, other people didn’t always react well to their relationship.
“Most of the issues stemmed from other people’s initial negative reactions of us being together. It really weirded people out. I had some people flat out say it was gross that I was with someone so much older,” Croft said. “Or that certainly he had ill-intentions, because why else would a man his age be interested in someone so young? Now that we’ve been together for five years, that happens less frequently, but when he lets his beard grow out, which is gray, and we’re out in public together, we still get questioning looks from strangers.”
These stereotypes can also be internalized. Maya L., a 25-year-old writer who declined to give her last name, told ATTN: she had dated a 37-year-old man at 25, and a 29-year-old man when she was 22.
“I try to be open-minded, but sometimes you have to wonder why they’re at where they’re at. Is it weird they’re dating me (a child)?” she joked. “Is it weird they’ve been divorced, or weird that they’ve never been married?”
How to Navigate the Grace Period
Whether you’re hazy about commitment, new to a relationship, or playing the field it’s best to approach this grace period with honesty and mutual respect.
Dating is like buying a house. It may not be a particularly romantic metaphor, but they weren’t lying when they said, “Home is where your heart is.” Real relationships require work and commitment just like purchasing a new home. Before you move into a new house there is an escrow period. Why should your relationship be any different? There is a grace period after you met someone you really like and before you’ve decided to purchase a one-way ferry ticket to Monogamy Island? But how do you navigate this period? How do you talk about the rather tense subject of potentially sleeping with other people? And how do you ultimately know when you’re ready to commit?
Courtship has changed over the past 50 years. There was a simpler time when people got married as virgins, chaperones accompanied people on dates, and doctors endorsed cigarettes. But our sexually liberated times have given rise to people taking control over their sexual wants and needs. That’s great, but that can leave a lot of people with a murky understanding of what’s “normal” in dating. You probably don’t tell someone you’ve just met you’ve been casually seeing a few guys. You probably don’t want to spend your fourth date talking about Julia, your friend with benefits. You may not even want to mention them until you’ve dissolved your benefits agreement. But it’s important to find a balance between honesty and consideration for your and your partner’s feelings.
I personally have been on the receiving end of many an awkward conversation with guys I’ve really liked. “Sorry, I’ve been dating a couple of people and it’s really working out with someone else.” It’s like a gunshot wound to the chest. Here you are picking out china patterns and not only are you no longer in the running for America’s Next Top Partner your “relationship” was a figment of your imagination. That’s a tough, dry pill to swallow but it is a harsh reality for the new arena of dating in a post-Tinder, post-Sex and the City, pre-Apocalypse dating world. People will be dating, sleeping with, and talking to other people and you will need to find a way to navigate that space.
Whether you’re hazy about commitment, new to a relationship, or playing the field it’s best to approach this grace period with honesty and mutual respect. Let’s say you’ve met someone you really like and things are going really well. After a few dates you will want to check in on how you both are feeling. It doesn’t need to be a grandiose conversation about commitment. You will want to clear up if you are casually dating or seriously seeing each other. You may want to ask if they are seeing other people and disclose if you are. It’s also a good time to calmly tease your feelings on monogamy. It will be unclear until you mention it. Finding out your shiny new dance partner is dating a few other people can be a huge shock. So why not temper the surprise by being as honest as you can as early as you can? I have found it’s best to be honest because then you and your partner can approach your relationship as it is rather than how you both want it to be.
As your relationship progresses you’ll want to have periodic check-ins to be clear about how you are both seeing your future together. Do you want to be in a committed relationship, would you prefer a throuple, are you interested in open relationships? These are important conversations you will want to organically come to. You don’t need to push them, force them, or turn them into a huge confrontation. But it’s good to clear the air. Your best bet is a calm, casual four sentence conversation. You ask a question, they answer, you accept what they say, and you move on. This will avoid any needless escalation or discomfort. In my experience it’s good to ask and be as open and diplomatic as possible. If you feel the situation starting to escalate try to just reiterate your commitment and excitement about the relationship. That way you don’t let fear or insecurity needlessly escalate the situation.
Handling these conversations can be tough. It’s easy for these honest moments to unearth a lot of baggage. The key is to be honest, open-minded and respectful. If your partner tells you they have opposing political views you wouldn’t immediately break up so why should you do that if you have different views on sex, relationships and boundaries. Sometimes the biggest hurdle to establishing healthy and happy relationships is our own personal idealized version of a relationship. That great person you are spending time with is a full-fledged human being so entertain their individual beliefs, opinions and experiences. If you have a calm conversation you can understand how the other person sees your relationship and how they see you. Now this doesn’t guarantee a marriage proposal or that you will not break up. But it does guarantee that you’re on an even playing field and having a healthy conversation. It also ensures you are entering into a relationship with the healthiest perspective you can.
There is no right or wrong way to date. There are billions of people on the planet and there’s someone out there for everyone. But you can never go wrong with establishing honest conversations with people you sleep with and date. If you are honest and open during this grace period it will help you establish healthy patterns and develop organic intimacy as your authentic self. That’s better than implying monogamy if you’re not ready or dating a few people. It also allows you to see how well you can communicate, empathize, and handle tense conversations. Even if it doesn’t go well you’ve worked on the key skills to a healthy long-term relationship for next time. Once you’ve done that you’re in a better position to make it work or attract your right match.
Dating Disabled …What We Have Wrong
We need to stop believing that people with disabilities can’t do these things.
In the age of interracial, transgender, and trans-generational dating, why is it still so easy to get a little freaked when you find yourself attracted to someone with a physical disability?
The answer lies with the many false assumptions and negative stereotypes about people in wheelchairs that continue to be prevalent in our society. On top of that, we also are frequently not portrayed in the media as sexy and desirable. Unfortunately, this misinformation may be preventing you from having the most amazing romance. Drawing from my history as a clinical psychologist, whose specialty is counseling people with disabilities on the topic of dating, sexuality and romance, as well as pulling from my own exploits as a single Manhattanite on the dating scene, I am going to debunk the five most common myths that are current today.
Myth 1:
If you date someone in a wheelchair, you won’t have a fulfilling sex life, if you can have sex together at all.
Fact:
This is probably the most common myth out there, and it is 110 percent false. If you have a body and a brain, then you can have great sex. Through the media, we are often fed the image of how sex is “supposed” to look, and that image involves people with perfect bodies engaged in rigorous porno-style sex. This is very damaging for everyone, disabled or not. Creative thinking, imagination and good communication are actually the key ingredients of having a completely satisfying sex life, and these are possible for everyone.
Myth 2:
The date will be very awkward, and I will do or say something stupid or offensive.
Fact:
This myth stems from the fact that many able-bodied people still view people with disabilities as essentially different from them. Not only are one in every five Americans affected by some sort of disability, but we also need to keep in mind that everyone has issues. For some, the issues are very visible; for others, the struggles are more internal. Having a disability is like dealing with any other curve ball that life throws our way. With these facts in mind, you will see how “normal” living with a disability can be, and that your date is just like any other.
Why it’s Not OK to Snoop Through Your Partner’s Phone
Girls, girls, girls. Trust me – snooping through your BF’s text messages is not okay!
A while ago, I wrote a post about why you shouldn’t look through your boyfriend’s phone based on my own snooping experiences (something I’m still embarrassed about). It’s been over a year since that post went up, but it still gets tons of comments from girls who say that looking through your boyfriend’s phone is totally okay – in fact, they encourage it.
Girls, girls, girls. Trust me – snooping through your BF’s text messages is not okay! Honestly, I don’t care what kind of explanations you give me, there is really no excuse for going through a phone that isn’t yours. Please, please, cut this behavior out and read the reasons why it’s a terrible idea. I think, eventually, you’ll realize that you need to stop doing it for good… and your relationships will only improve after that.
It Totally Betrays His Trust
Probably the biggest reason to not snoop through your BF’s phone is that it totally and completely betrays his trust. If your boyfriend leaves his phone around you when he’s not in the room, he obviously trusts you to be near his phone without getting sneaky. Trust is one of the most important qualities to have in a relationship. Going through his phone is rude and disrespectful. Which brings me to my next point…
You Wouldn’t Like It If He Did It To You
How would you feel if you found out your boyfriend was secretly looking through your phone, reading all of your private text messages and checking up on your phone history? You’d probably feel pretty violated, annoyed and hurt. I once had an ex look through my texts when we first started dating. When he told me he did, I was so hurt by his accusations that I was doing something I shouldn’t that I almost ended things. Treat others how you want to be treated, you know?
It’s Way Too Easy To Misinterpret Things
Text messages can be really hard to interpret because you’re just looking at words – you’re not seeing the person’s expression or hearing their voice. What you read could mean something totally different than it sounds. Also, you don’t know the context of every conversation because it’s not YOUR conversation. You don’t know if something is an inside joke or about something completely different than what you think. It’s way too easy to misinterpret things and freak out for no reason at all.
How Do I Talk to a Girl in 2016: The Internet Edition
This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message from the same guy, and we discovered it was the same message.
Sometimes my friends and readers ask me questions for Love.tv that they think I might have fun answering, or that, god forbid, they actually want my answers to, so many thanks to my anonymous friend Zeke Shandy for this excellent question:
“After ten years of internet dating, I’m still, I guess, awful at it. How do I break the ice with a woman online?”
There are as many different approaches to this as there are women in the world, but I’d like to offer some advice based on my own internet dating experiences. Not showing off, but I’ve been single a lot. Lots and lots.
OKCupid released a study last year claiming it’s a numbers game, and the best bet for men is to send as many messages as possible, and that blasting “Hey, how are you?” to five hundred women will get more first responses than spending the same time to actually try to connect with fifty women. I find this lazy and ineffectual: the message of a person who is putting forth the absolute minimum effort annoys me. This also includes “Hey.” “Howdy.” “What’s up.” “How’s your weekend.” This approach employs the math of internet dating: trying to attract as many potential mates as possible so that you can sort through them later, but I am a proponent of an old fashioned idea that you might like someone because you found their personality attractive, and you don’t wish to go on 500 dates with people who just ask how your weekend was.
I also don’t like when a message seems cut-and-pasted- although again, statistically, this is not supposed to matter. This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message from the same guy, and we discovered it was the same message. Guys, I know the internet makes it feel like there are infinite numbers of single women to talk to, but there aren’t, and we talk to each other. She called him on it and he said I’m sorry, I have to send too many messages to women, I can’t write them all individually. Well, perhaps our bots can date?
Is Sharing Secret Passwords a Sign of Trust?
The New York Times reports today on the naughtiest thing that teenagers in love are doing behind closed doors: swapping passwords for their Facebook and email accounts.
It has become fashionable for young people to express their affection for each other by sharing their passwords to e-mail, Facebook and other accounts. Boyfriends and girlfriends sometimes even create identical passwords, and let each other read their private e-mails and texts.
They say they know such digital entanglements are risky, because a souring relationship can lead to people using online secrets against each other. But that, they say, is part of what makes the symbolism of the shared password so powerful.
“It’s a sign of trust,” Tiffany Carandang, a high school senior in San Francisco, said of the decision she and her boyfriend made several months ago to share passwords for e-mail and Facebook. “I have nothing to hide from him, and he has nothing to hide from me.”
In a recent study, Pew found that 1 in 3 teens surveyed share passwords with a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend. The Times explores some of the obvious downsides to this, including obsessive scouring of a significant other’s account for signs of infidelity and using the access for sabotage when a relationship goes sour. One expert they talked to compared the pressure to exchange passwords to the pressure to have sex. Have fun with the latter, kids, but I urge you to consider digital abstinence. Here’s why…
There is something pure and romantic about the idea of sharing everything, and having no secrets from one another. But it’s romantic the same way that Romeo and Juliet is romantic, in a tragic, horrible, everyone-is-miserable-and-dies-at-the-end kind of way.
Email is one of the few private spaces left in this hyper-sharing age. Sam Biddle at Gizmodo says, “This isn’t about having something to hide—it’s about keeping meaningful boundaries in an era when there are verrrrry few. We all need whatever scraps of privacy we have left, and your email is just that.”