Category: SEX TIPS

Lovemaking 4 Moves to a High Quality Experience

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

If these four sex moves are present in your relationship, then you are likely to last long as a couple.

Intimacy is an important part of any relationship. Be it physical or emotional, being intimate with your partner means being open and vulnerable to them

With this, it is understood that how your sex life looks will affect your relationship, either positively or adversely.

If these sex moves are present in your relationship, then you are likely to last long as a couple.

Respect

Respect is a very important component in the bedroom. You should show your partner that you respect their body. You should not do things that will make them feel degraded, used or guilty. You should always realise that this body belongs to an actual human being with feelings, so do not treat each other badly. If your partner says he/she is uninterested in sex, or if they do not want to engage in a particular sex act, you should respect their decisions.

Compliment

Everyone likes to feel good, especially in the bedroom. Your partner is completely naked and at his/her most vulnerable during sex, this is one time they truly need your words of approval. Never assume you have been together too long to give them some compliment on their body and their moves. Tell them how sexy you find them and how much they turn you on. This is the best way to have them bond and open up with you.

Experiment

No matter how long you have been with your partner, if you are still interested in trying something new, then your relationship is stronger than you think. You will only work hard towards coming up with new things with a partner who you still want to impress. This shows your relationship is definitely strong. If you never tire of finding new ways to please and love each other, in the bedroom and out, you are in a pretty good relationship.

Communicate

Does your partner tell you what they like in the bedroom? Do they tell you what turns them on? Do you believe that no sex topic is off limits between you and your partner? If your answer is ‘yes,’ then you are on the right track with your relationship. Every couple knows that having a no-holds-barred sex talk with each other is not usually the most comfortable thing to do, but it is very necessary. You need to talk about each other’s fantasies, pleasure, favourite moves, etc. You ought to keep up with their bedroom needs to keep things hot.

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Original Article

Advice: How to Relax into Sex

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

One of the best ways to help your girlfriend to feel more relaxed about sex may be to stop having it for a while.

Q. My girlfriend is self-conscious during sex. She seems unable to fully let go and really enjoy herself.

She’s in her early 30s and has had a few partners, so it’s not lack of experience.

How can I help her to feel more comfortable so that we can enjoy a good love life?

A. Although your girlfriend has had a few previous partners, they either didn’t notice, or weren’t willing to challenge this issue, so she is lucky to have found a partner who cares enough to try to help her let go.

There are a million and one reasons why your girlfriend might be finding it difficult to relax during sex.

Some women are worried about not being able to orgasm, others just can’t switch off their inner critic.

However, if she is very sensitive, there is a risk that she will interpret what you are saying as a criticism, so a conversation about it needs to be broached with great sensitivity.

You need to let her know gently that you can feel her discomfort and reassure her that your sole motivation is to help, not to humiliate.

Whatever the cause, one of the best ways to help your girlfriend to feel more relaxed about sex may be to stop having it for a while.

That might sound counterintuitive, but sex therapists commonly use a system called “sensate focus” to help couples with sexual difficulties to go back to basics and build trust and intimacy — essential for truly great sex.

Sensate focus is not useful for couples who are having relationship problems, or who are dealing with sexual dysfunction, but it can be a very enriching exercise for couples who want to become more sexually connected.

The idea is to create an environment where you and your girlfriend can learn how to receive and give pleasure to each other.

Sensate focus is intended to be an experience in itself, so it is not a prelude to “sex” or a form of foreplay.

The central tenet is non-sexual touching and, in the initial phase, all other contact is restricted.

Instead, you focus on creating and experiencing sensation by taking turns exploring each other bodies.

Because this is non-sexual, it is non-threatening and your girlfriend should be able to respond by telling you what tickles, what scratches and what feels really, really good.

It is important to separate this experience from sex because the more relaxed she feels with touching and being touched in this phase, the more likely she is to remain relaxed when you escalate to genital touching in phase two.

Although the entire exercise is focused on helping her to relax, phase two offers you the opportunity to explore sexual responses.

When you progress to genital touching, you will be able to see how, with stimulation, her body changes as she becomes aroused.

The skin on her chest and torso will become flushed — stimulating her nipples will magnify these sensations.

Keep it slow and gentle at first, and ask her to tell you what she likes and what she doesn’t like.

Every woman has a different sensory threshold.

When it is her turn, make sure to give her positive feedback to build her confidence.

When your girlfriend is comfortable with phase two, you can move on to penetrative sex, but let her dictate the pace and always include non-genital and genital touching beforehand.

This slows everything down and ensures that she is fully aroused before intercourse.

Even at this stage, the only ‘goal’ is intimacy and connection, but orgasm is permitted.

Although sensate focus can sound like a rather prescriptive remedy, it will give your girlfriend the opportunity to unravel negative sexual associations so that she can begin to associate sex with fun, not fear.

That’s the greatest gift you could possibly give her.

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Original Article

Here’s What Not to Do In the Bedroom

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

You probably didn’t need a study to tell you this, but research confirms that sex is one of the ingredients that’s most crucial to making long-term relationships thrive. Early on, feeling sexy and passionate isn’t hard—but things can get trickier as the years go on. Hoping to bust out of a dry spell or prevent those embers from fading? Don’t make these common mistakes.

Mistake #1: Thinking you need a “date night” to connect

If you’re like most couples, the first thing you do when you want to reconnect with your partner is put a “date night” on the calendar. “The idea is that after a fancy dinner, candlelight, and wine, you’ll come home and want to jump each other,” says Tammy Nelson, PhD, a sex and relationship therapist and author of The New Monogamy. But what really happens after a meal of rich food, a few glasses of wine, and a late night out? “Most couples want nothing more than to go to sleep,” Nelson points out.

The fix:

Send the kids out while you and your partner stay home alone. “Think of this as a sacred time for the two of you to practice ‘planned’ spontaneity,” Nelson suggests. “It’s a much better way to act out all of your fantasies, without feeling bloated and hungover the next day.”

Mistake #2: Forgoing sex because you’re not in the mood

“Having a grown-up life is exhausting, and stress and fatigue can decrease desire,” acknowledges Nelson. But if you wait to have sex until you have plenty of free time and boundless energy, you may be waiting a long time.

Plus, “for many people, particularly women, desire comes after arousal, not the other way around,” Nelson notes. “That means once your body is sufficiently aroused, you may find you are more into sex than you realized.”

The fix:

Just do it, and you’ll probably be glad that you did. If you’re genuinely crazed from obligations and short on time, you can still fit in a quickie, says Nelson. “The sexual contact will make you feel connected to your partner and can reduce the stress in your marriage.” Sex also helps release endorphins and dopamine, serotonin, and other brain chemicals that can reduce your stress during the day and help you sleep better at night.

Mistake #3: Falling into a rut

There’s something to be said for sex so familiar that you can anticipate what’s coming next. “Each of you knows the buttons to push for the other, and if you have a routine that’s giving the other a good orgasm, then by all means, keep at it,” says Nelson. That’s said, it’s not uncommon for couples to get entrenched in habits that aren’t working. They just aren’t sure how to change them or worry that speaking up will hurt the other’s feelings.

The fix:

“Pick one day a week to do something different,” suggests Nelson, “maybe a morning or an afternoon when you have more leisure time to expand on the erotic connection in your relationship.” Start by telling your partner three things you appreciate about him sexually, plus one bedroom move you’d like more of. Then listen as your partner does the same.

“Talking about sex can increase the sexual tension between you, and if you do this exercise in bed, it can really turn up the heat,” Nelson says.

Mistake #4: Worrying how your sex life stacks up

From leaked sex tapes to the latest episode of Game of Thrones, we’re inundated with sexual images—which can put an outsized amount of pressure on us to look or act a certain way in the bedroom. “Sex isn’t supposed to look like porn,” says Amy Levine, a sex coach in New York City and founder of IgniteYourPleasure.com. “Sex in real life can be awkward, takes practice, and has the potential to be incredibly intimate and vulnerable.”

The fix:

Be open-minded, Levine says. “Be present, know what feels good to you, communicate your wants and desires, be yourself, and find your confidence.” In other words, approach sex with your partner, she says, “without judgment or expectations.”

Mistake #5: Taking your emotional connection for granted

When was the last time you really spoke to your partner, other than to confirm what’s for dinner or who’s on duty to pick up the kids after soccer practice? Thanks to hectic, overscheduled days, the majority of time we spend with our partners takes place when we’re asleep, notes Paul Hokemeyer, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York City. “But quality relationships require an intimate emotional connection during awake times,” he says.

The fix:

Carve out 30 minutes of connection with your partner before shutting your eyes, Hokemeyer advises. “Turn off all electronics and snuggle or discuss the events of the day.” And while you love your kids (or the family pet) dearly, having them around at this time will “squeeze out the romance,” he notes. “Set clear boundaries and enforce them.”

Mistake #6: Not talking about sex

“The inability to have open and honest communication is at the heart of many couples’ problems in the bedroom,” says Elona Landau, a sex educator in Portland, Oregon. “Even with the people to whom we’re committed, we can’t openly talk about our wants, desires, and needs.” We either never learned how, she says, or keep quiet for fear of being judged, shamed, or shut down.

The fix:

Your partner isn’t a mind-reader, and neither are you. Want to have sex more often, try something new, or have concerns about your waning libido? Speak up. Meanwhile, ask your partner to weigh in on the state of your physical union. Just as relationships grow and evolve over time, so does your sexuality.

“Listen with ‘fresh ears’ and try to hear what your partner wants without putting it through your own filter,” says Landau. Pay attention to how you’re responding, whether you’re intrigued, uncomfortable, or somewhere else on the spectrum—and approach that with curiosity as well. “Being willing to hear the other person, acknowledge their vulnerability, and be empathetic to their needs can go a long way.”

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Original Article

Please Do This One Thing After Sex

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

How spooning can make or break your relationship

Attention all little spoons: New research shows that your love for cuddling might be the best thing to ever happen to your bond. Couples who spend more time showing affection after sex feel more satisfied with their sex lives, and in turn, with their relationship in general, according to a recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Researchers at universities in Toronto conducted two studies. In the first study, 335 participants (138 men and 197 women, all of whom were in romantic relationships and 90 percent of whom were heterosexual), completed an online survey about relationship and sexual satisfaction, their sex lives, and affection. Surprisingly, sex duration and foreplay didn’t predict relationship satisfaction, but post-coital cuddling did. (Big, little, and all spoons rejoice!) Researchers found that people who spend more time on post-sex affection—like cuddling, kissing, caressing, spooning, or expressing their love for each other—are more satisfied in their relationships and feel more sexually satisfied. This is especially true for couples with kids. While women’s relationship happiness depends more heavily on cuddling and canoodling than men’s, researchers also found that post-sex affection indirectly affects men’s happiness—it increases their sexual satisfaction, which in turn increases their relationship satisfaction.

For the second study, 101 couples (94 percent of which were heterosexual) answered questions about their sex lives, post-sex affection, and satisfaction with sex and their relationship every day for three weeks. Researchers found that on days when couples spent more time showing post-sex affection, they were also more sexually satisfied and more satisfied with their relationship than usual. Plus, those who felt these benefits during the three-week study were more likely to be happy with their sex lives and relationships three months down the line.

Of course, this may seem a little obvious—wouldn’t a couple who was head-over-heels for each other be more likely to cuddle after doing the deed anyway? But even though the effects could go both ways, the strongest effects were from after-sex affection to satisfaction, says study coauthor Amy Muise, Ph.D., postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto. This might have to do with the fact that cuddling is a positive post-sex reward; since it makes us feel good, we’re more likely to want to do it again, and we get closer to each other in the process. Plus, the power of touch can have major mental and physical benefits. While they can’t prove a cause-and-effect relationship, Muise notes, “I think couples should be aware that the period after sex could be particularly important for bonding and that, if possible, spending more time being affectionate after sex could enhance feelings of sexual and relationship satisfaction.” So we officially give you permission to cuddle a little bit longer tonight—for your relationship’s sake!

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Original Article

Yes, Women are Capable of 4 Unique Orgasms

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

There are four distinct types of female orgasm.

You gotta love routines. They get you out of the house in the morning or into the gym at the end of the day. But relying on a routine to get off in bed? Not so sweet. Here’s why: There’s more than one blissed-out, body-tingling way to a happy ending, and the more paths you travel, the more exciting sex will be (and stay). According to a recent study published in the journal NeuroQuantology, there are four distinct types of female orgasm (clitoral, vaginal, blended, or multiple orgasms). You should try them all—starting tonight.

Clitoral Orgasm

You know the external sweet spot is highly sensitive, thanks to the 8,000 nerve endings that congregate there. And if you’re like most women, it’s the go-to point of stimulation to send you over the edge. But according to Sari Cooper, a certified sex therapist in New York City and a columnist for Psychology Today, heading straight to the clitoris gives you a less pleasurable orgasm than if your partner touches, caresses, or massages other parts of your genitals before he homes in on that hot spot.

Techniques to try: “Have him make big circles with his fingers that include the shaft, labia, and upper part of the clitoral hood,” says Cooper. He can do this as foreplay or while you’re in a spooning position during intercourse. If you feel like switching to oral, have him approach your clitoris indirectly by lying perpendicular to you.
Increase your chances: Try having him use a fingertip vibrator like the Hello Touch Wearable Fingertip Vibrator ($65, jimmyjane.com). The more vocal you are about the speed, intensity, and pressure you prefer, the better the end result will be. Also, you’re going to want to read this: The Easiest Way to Have an Orgasm

Vaginal Orgasm

Though there is still some debate as to whether the G-spot exists, 30 percent of women claim they can have a big O from having the famous erogenous zone stimulated through penetration alone.

Techniques to try: First, locate the hot zone. On a solo night, explore the front wall of your vagina with your finger until you feel an area that’s rippled and spongy in texture. Touching it directly should feel pretty darn good. Then, during intercourse, have your man target his thrusting there. Try lying on your sides while facing each other, with your legs intertwined comfortably—think of two pairs of crisscrossed scissors. Keep your parts aligned and make sure his rubs against the front wall of your vagina. “This position allows for deeper thrusts that further stimulate the G-spot,” says Cooper.

Increase your chances: Achieving vaginal orgasm is more likely the longer the sex lasts, according to a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. Aim for about 15 minutes and, if it works for you, switch sex positions often. “This reduces the chance of your man ‘closing the deal’ too soon and helps your body experience new and fresh sensations,” says Michael Alvear, author of Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat. A warming lubricant can also help; try glycerin-free, water-based Pink Hot Pink Warming Lubricant for Women ($14.36, pinkapple.com).

Blended Orgasm

Experts say a combined clitoral and vaginal orgasm is the most powerful finale (it can be twice as strong and intense as either orgasm is by itself). “You’re getting the best of both worlds,” explains Cynthia Lief Ruberg, a certified sex therapist in Columbus, Ohio.

Techniques to try: The girl-on-top position is popular for a reason—it’s perfect for the double-whammy finish. But you can also try sitting on your partner’s lap facing away from him (he can stimulate your clitoris while you control the thrusting). Or, for a twist on missionary, have your guy inch his body up so your hips are aligned, and tilt your pelvis upward so that the base of his penis is on your clitoris but the rest of him is inside you. “In this position, he’s not really thrusting up and down, but rather grinding against your pelvic bone,” says Ruberg.

Increase your chances: “A blended orgasm is easier if the woman becomes very aroused before she has intercourse,” says Ruberg. Go full throttle with foreplay—lots of kissing, touching, licking, and massaging all over your bodies—and if you feel your enthusiasm waning during intercourse, go back to the heavy petting. To help your partner out a bit, tell him or her to bust out these 10 Sex Tips for Your Top Erogenous Zones All Over Your Body. (Then maybe repay the favor with these 10 Sex Tips for HIS Top Erogenous Zones!)

Multiple Orgasms

To be clear, multiple orgasms happen one right after the next, not at different times in one session (although those are great too). Studies show that multiple orgasms are possible for some women if they can withstand being continuously stimulated after their first (and second and. . .) “finishes.”

Techniques to try: Starting in foreplay, have your guy get you to your first clitoral climax using his hands or mouth (or a vibrator). Immediately afterward, he should continue to stimulate your C-spot in a slower manner for about 30 seconds, and then resume a normal pace to get you to a repeat performance. “He’s playing with your level of arousal from a heightened orgasmic state by giving your erogenous area a rest, as it may be overly sensitive to stimulation, and then increasing arousal again,” says Amy Levine, a sex coach in New York City and founder of IgniteYourPleasure.com. From there, begin intercourse, which can lead to multiple vaginal or blended orgasms, using the same technique of slowing down and speeding up, as long as you keep the stimulation going and your arousal high.

Increase your chances: If you’re feeling too sensitive, ask him to continue stroking your clitoris over a buffer like a soft silk camisole or panties, or have him switch his focus to your breasts and nipples. Cooper says touching these after climax can push some women to yet another O. (A nipplegasm? True thing, and nothing routine about that.)

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Original Article

Time for a Paint Job? What Bedroom Color is Best for Getting Turned On

by zfortadminin SEX TIPS

Look to surprising revelations about bedroom wall colors to get more of what you want

More sleep and more sex? Yes, please! A new survey involving 2,000 Brits shows a strong correlation between the color of your bedroom walls and decor with how much sleep and sex you’re having. The takeaway: People with blue rooms appear to be getting the best night’s sleep, while people with caramel-colored walls are having the most sex. Let the mad dash to invent caramel-blue paint begin!

Here’s how the survey breaks it down.

Of course, you don’t see much color with your eyes closed and the lights off, but the color of your walls and decor affects how you sleep before you close your eyes, the survey found.

On average, the survey respondents sleeping in a blue bedroom get seven hours and 52 minutes of sleep, the most in the survey, which was conducted by Travelodge, a budget-friendly hotel chain in the U.K. Builders, teachers and civil servants tend to choose blue most often for their bedrooms, according to the survey.

The study surmises that since blue has long been associated with feelings of calmness — water, blue sky etc. — the color helps us chill out before sleep.

In fact, blue also is said to help reduce blood pressure and heart rate, for more sound sleep.

“This is an amazing result, as there are specialized receptors called ganglion cells in the retina part of our eyes, which are most sensitive to the color blue,” says Chris Idzikowski, a sleep expert at the Edinburgh Sleep Centre, in a press release about the study. “These receptors feed information into an area deep in our brain that controls 24-hour rhythms, and affects how we perform and feel during the day. That interaction between light, sleep and wakefulness is supremely important.”

An amazing 58 percent of Brits in the survey who sleep in blue rooms say they regularly wake up feeling happy. Cheerio!

Certain shades of yellow come in second in promoting the best night’s sleep: seven hours and 40 minutes on average per night.

Warm yellow relaxes the body by stimulating the nervous system and calming the nerves.

Green also creates a calm and soothing vibe, which is why it appears to be the third best color for getting sleep. People with green rooms get an average of seven hours and 30 minutes of sleep per night, and 22 percent of those surveyed say they wake up “feeling upbeat and positive.”

The survey suggests that a soothing silver bedroom mimics moonlight, which cues the brain to know that it’s nighttime and time for sleep.

People with silver bedrooms get an average of seven hours and 33 minutes of sleep, while 21 percent surveyed say they are more motivated to exercise in their bedroom.

Orange, surprisingly, is close behind, with people getting an average of seven hours and 28 minutes of sleep. The warm color also creates a “stable and reassuring atmosphere and can even help digestion too — especially if you have eaten a large or late-evening meal,” according to the survey.

The color has also been found to relax muscles, so you fall asleep more quickly.

Bankers and estate agents tend to choose gold decor, the study found.

Though similar to silver, gray, an incredibly popular house paint color, didn’t perform well in the study; people in gray rooms get an average of only six hours and 12 minutes of sleep per night.

It’s thought that brown and gray can be “dreary and depressing, especially in the bedroom, and make occupants feel emotionally isolated and uncomfortable — resulting in a restless sleep,” the study says.

What’s more, the survey found that Brits with gray rooms spend the most time shopping online in bed.

Those with a brown, cream or white bedroom are most likely workaholics who take their work to bed with them at least three times per week. Shop workers are most likely to have these colors in their bedrooms.

Purple bedrooms performed the worst for sleep. On average, people in purple bedrooms get five hours and 56 minutes per night.

While elegant and artistic, the color is thought to be overly mentally stimulating. Coupled with a busy day, purple walls can make it difficult to turn off a racing mind and switch into sleep mode. (I’m guessing the color has a different affect on chipper dinosaurs named Barney.)

Most interesting, to me anyway, is that the study found that couples in bedrooms with a caramel decor scheme have sex, on average, three times per week.

Unfortunately, the study doesn’t offer any possible reasons. Is the color tricking people into thinking about Milky Way candy bars and chocolate, making them more excited? Or is that just the case in my house?

Not much magic apparently happens in red bedrooms, where couples make love once a week on average. Maybe Roxanne should have put on a caramel-colored light?

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Original Article

Why Communication about Sexual Issues Is the Hardest Challenge Faced by Couples

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex, SEX TIPS

The Four C’s of Having the Talks

Communication is the life-line for sexual happiness to survive and flourish in every long-term conjugal relationship

Sex is one of the basic instincts in human beings, and it is powerful.

Marriage is an arrangement we have created to discipline and channelise this powerful instinct in us. So, it is natural for us to think about our sex life, our sexual needs, and fulfilment, particularly when we are married.

There are three ways in which people respond, whenever their sex life sets them thinking.

 

  • Suppress or deliberately avoid thinking. This is a choice taken by those whose spouse is unavailable due to reasons such as job compulsions, extramarital involvement, religious ideas or physical incapability. Husbands and wives in such situations suppress their sexual urges out of helplessness and, thus, consciously avoid thinking of sex. This state is similar to those who have taken the oath of celibacy.
  • Ignore the thought of sex. This choice is taken by those who find the sexual connection with their spouse less important than some other aspects of their life, such as money, business, ambition, name and fame. Many busy celebrities, politicians, businessmen and social workers come in this category.
  • Give a sincere thought to sex life. This is healthy, with the exception of a small percentage of people who think “excessively” about sex. Problems may appear, in the latter, due to faulty expectations and misconceptions brought on by the media, erotic films, and novels.

David Reuben, author of How to Get the Most Out of Sex, writes: “If sex is right, then everything is right. If sex is wrong then nothing else can be right.”

Many people think about their sex life in the right direction and in the right proportion, but they may find themselves completely at a loss when it comes to “doing” something about it.

“How can my husband and I love each other so much, yet have such a dull and unexciting sex life?” asked a friend who is herself a clinical psychologist. Did she discuss the problem with her husband, a gynaecologist, to whom she has been married for over 11 years?

“I seem to be able to talk to him about everything, but our sex life,” she said, at last. “I don’t know how to tell him what I need without seeming to criticise.”

Get the signals right

Women, of all educational levels and life experiences, voice similar sentiments. Most married people lack basic information about their spouses’ sexual preferences. Our own informal survey of 70 wives found a myriad of needs they wanted to share with their husbands. But, as one woman told us, “It is difficult to know how to begin.”

Communication on sexual issues is one of the hardest challenges faced by many couples. As we do not openly discuss sexual issues ever with our parents, we do not learn how to communicate in this matter. It doesn’t occur to us to develop these communication skills even though they are very important in our relationship. We have only learnt to be uncomfortable and embarrassed with the subject. Couples often engage in the sexual act blindly believing that they know what their spouse wants based on pornographic viewing, or reading. This invariably results in an unpleasant and awkward sexual act.

Couples really do need to ask questions such as, “What would you like me to do?” “Are you comfortable?” “Does this feel pleasurable?” “What can I do to make it better for you?” “Is there anything in particular that you enjoy more, or something you do not enjoy at all?” If you are uncomfortable asking such questions, then probably you are not at a point in the relationship where you should explore sex at all. You can ask your spouse to signal to you, by squeezing your arm to suggest if she wants anything in particular.

Refrain from presuming and pretending to know what she likes and wants, as she will figure out in no time that you actually do not know what pleasures her. To begin with, young women may not know what exactly they want during the early days of their sex life; however, they soon figure out what they really want and what they absolutely do not enjoy. They may participate in these activities mechanically thinking they “should” be enjoying what their spouse is doing. Men think that they are expected to know what to do and women expect them to know it all. However, the truth is that neither of them knows it all and communication is the only master key to explore it all.

As couple counsellors, it is our continuous endeavour to make couples talk to each other openly about everything that matters to them. It is the first major lesson we teach even to those who come to us for pre-marriage counselling. For everyone in a conjugal relationship, and at all the stages of their relationship, “communication” is the life-line.

Talk, it is vital

If you wish to revitalise your sexual relationship too, communication is critical. It is not the amount or quality of sexual relations that makes or breaks marriage, but rather the degree of “fit” between partners’ sexual needs and priorities. Such mutuality comes only with communication.

Try to define for yourself and your spouse what your complaints and pleasures are. Many people are uncomfortable and shy about making specific requests, but we emphasise that open talk and experimentation are vital! No one can automatically know what pleases another, without adequate feedback.

Love does not make one a mind reader, but instead love is trusting each other enough – to ask openly and answer honestly.

Researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson say something very insightful in this connection: “Love and physical desire wax and wane throughout a lifetime. This can not only be accepted but even enjoyed, if partners can communicate.”

Two cases in point

Deepak came home from work and found his wife Sunita dressed in a long skirt. She greeted him with an enthusiastic hug and announced that she was serving one of his favourite meals – and, that too by candlelight. Instead of complimenting Sunita, Deepak responded to her efforts with an angry frown.

When Linda remarked that she was tired and wanted to go to bed early, her husband Mark bade her goodnight and settled down to watch television. The next morning there was no sign that Linda had benefited from her extra sleep. On the contrary, she snapped at Mark because he had forgotten to put the toothpaste back in the cabinet.

What was wrong with Deepak and Linda? Their sex signals were mixed up. Deepak was receiving messages that weren’t being sent, and Linda was sending messages that weren’t being received.

Deepak assumed that Sunita’s elaborate dinner was part of a plan to entice him into making love to her. That made him angry for two reasons: he had put in a hectic day at the office, and was not in the mood for romance. He also disliked being “manipulated.” But, Deepak’s assumption was incorrect. The dinner was a thoughtful gesture, not an attempt at seduction. Sunita had noticed that Deepak had been looking “down.” She hoped a festive meal would cheer him up.

Linda, on the other hand, wanted to make love to her husband, and her pretext of going to bed early was designed to tell him so. But, Mark did not get the message. He thought Linda was really tired, and she ended up feeling hurt and angry.

It is not uncommon for couples to experience such breakdowns in their sexual communication system. Sex is an extremely sensitive and personal subject. Attitudes towards it vary, moods don’t always match, and egos are generally at stake. Thus, it is not surprising that even the most compatible couples are sometimes tuned to different frequencies.

Most couples express sexual wishes with hints, code words and symbolic acts. There is nothing wrong with this. But, husbands and wives who use such signals should be aware of how easily they can be misread, misinterpreted, or simply missed. It is better to choose signals that can be clearly recognised as preludes to sexual activity – wearing particular nightwear, humming a special tune, talking about a previous romantic experience – anything that both partners will recognise and respect, but better still, is clear verbal expression.

It is strongly advised that husbands and wives do not conceal their desires out of fear of incurring a partner’s disapproval. Always take a chance. An invitation to make love is a compliment. Most partners will be flattered, and although they may not acquiesce to it on the spot, they will undoubtedly return the compliment before long.

People who can’t or won’t send out recognisable sex signals are no less a problem than those who can’t or won’t recognise clear messages when they are sent. In some cases, the lack of recognition is deliberate. A partner may prefer to ignore a signal rather than give a negative response. Or, s/he may be upset about something else, and the missed cue is a way of venting wrath, a passive aggressive act.

Can sex survive, let alone flourish, in a long-term relationship? We are pleased to report that the answer is a definite “Yes!” For no matter how long two people have been together, they can still get better and better at connecting with each other, sharing intimacy, making plans, talking about feelings and fantasies and learning how to play and touch.

Couples who never stop using their own intelligence, sense of humour and imagination to refresh their physical and emotional relationship, can have an enriching and meaningful sex life for a long, long time.

Four “Cs” of Communication

As a part of training in communication we emphasise four essential qualities [four “Cs”] that one needs to bear in mind. Communication needs to be Clear, Caring, Complete, and Continuous.

Clear. It is only Clear communication that conveys correct messages. Hints and gestures should be complemented with adequate verbal expression of your feelings.

Caring. Communicate, because you care for yourself, the other and for the relationship. Crass remarks, derision, taunts, abuses and sarcasm are uncaring and toxic to any relationship. They do not communicate, but instead end all possibilities of communication and communion.

Complete. Incomplete communication is as good as no communication, or miscommunication. It is only Complete communication that helps. Abandoning communication half-way due to frustration, shyness or other reservations, is detrimental to a relationship.

Continuous. Communication should be a regular [on-going] feature in relationships, and not only occasional. Breakdown in communication lines should preferably never happen. If it happens, urgent efforts need to be made to re-establish communication lines as soon as possible.

Connecting Psychologically

The failure to “connect” psychologically is only one kind of sexual difficulty that can arise in an otherwise good marriage. Most couples find that their sexual encounters are influenced not only by how they feel about one another at the moment, but also by job pressures, financial worries, disruptive childaren, and above all, fatigue. Moving from a busy life into relaxed moments of intimacy often becomes extremely difficult, even for loving couples. Almost 50 per cent of wives report that the “inability to relax,” is a significant problem in their sex lives. While life-long inhibitions, fears and guilt may contribute to tension, it is also hard to adjust to instant intimacy when the bedroom door closes.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The Best (and Worst!) Summer Sexcapades for 2017

by RJ Newellin Sex, SEX TIPS

Are you curious about sex on a beach? Do you want to visit a nudist resort, take a tour of Amsterdam’s Red Light District, or join a kinky sex club? Summer is the perfect time to spice things up!

If you’re an adventurous type (and I’ll assume you are, since you’re reading LoveTV), here’s a summer ‘to-do’ list…with a few naughty no-nos thrown in.

Option 1: The Summer Sex Vacation

‘Wanderlust’ is a fun word, especially with sex involved. Here are some recommendations from travelers just like you!

Must See:

1. Amsterdam: Red Light District (AKA De Wallen)

Amsterdam-May 1: Red light district (Wallen) at night on May 1 2015 in Amsterdam the Netherlands.“If you like art, go see the Mona Lisa. But if you like sex, then you’d better go to Amsterdam! The Red Light District is like the Louvre of love.” – Dave L., 34

There’s something for everyone in Amsterdam’s Red Light District. Here, live sex shows, peep shows, erotic museums and sex shops are just the beginning. So as long as you’re respectful [and totally willing], you can legally indulge in your wildest desires.

 

 

2. Treebones Resort: Big Sur, California

the rugged Big Sur California coast landscape“If you love nature, Big Sur is one of the West Coasts’ sexiest places. I get turned on just looking at the scenery!” – Kenneth O., 38

“My girlfriend and I had a wild experience in an Outdoor Human Nest at Treebones…You want to be quiet, since you’re outside in the open, but doing it under the stars blew my mind.” – Miranda S., 22

Yes, you read that right – human nest. Treebones is a lesser-known but totally worthwhile romantic getaway. Whether you want to nest under the stars, enjoy a 5-star sleep in luxury a Yurt, or make love in a giant Cocoon Tent, look no further. Come for the view, stay for the sex. (Link)

3. The Queen Mary Hotel: Long Beach, California

LOS ANGELES - August 20: Queen Mary and Russian Scorpion homeported on August 20 2009 in Long Beach Los Angeles California USA.“It was like making love on the Titanic. It doesn’t get better than that!” – Delilah B., 40

The Queen Mary is an iconic ocean liner from the golden age of sea travel. It’s even bigger than the Titanic, but don’t worry – it’s permanently moored at Long Beach. No sailing, no sinking, just sexy! Visit this floating hotel for lavish, antique accommodations and magnificent views of the harbor. But be warned – the ship is supposedly haunted, so you may not be the only ones going ‘bump’ in the night. (Link)

Proceed With Caution:

The Green Door: Las Vegas, Nevada

Apartment Number Seven and Eyehole Tinted in Green“We went there for my Bachelorette party and that was a huge mistake. I wasn’t prepared to see so many older men masturbating and watching people have sex. If you’re into orgies and solo viewing, the Green Door is for you. But I just ran home and hid in my bed. Sorry.” – Olivia G., 31

While it’s a wildly popular spot for sex tourists from around the world, The Green Door is not for everyone. Its orgy room, dungeon and infamous Sexagon are popular for swingers and voyeuristic singles, but visitors are often unprepared for just how much anything goes, here. You may love it, or you may hate it. Just make sure you know what you’re in for. Get that freak flag ready to fly! (Link)

Don’t Bother:

The Grand Canyon

View from Ooh Aah Point on Kaibab trail in the Grand Canyon“It was always on my bucket list to have sex at the Grand Canyon, but it’s actually super unpleasant. Don’t do it! The canyon is hot and dusty, there are scorpions and snakes to look out for, and honestly…the sex was beyond uncomfortable.” – Evan T., 24

 

 

 

 

Option 2: CHEAP, FREE AND DIRTY

Must See:

1. Camping Under the Stars

Couple outdoors at campsite talking and smiling“Seriously, there’s nothing like sex in a forest, desert or mountain setting. It’s freeing in every way.” – Ryan J., 23

Can’t make it all the way to Big Sur? Pitch a tent in the closest national park, light a campfire (laws permitting), and release your inhibitions. There’s nothing like nature to set off your deepest animal instincts.

2. Nudist Resort (At Our Place or Yours?)

“If there’s a nudist community in your area, it’s often cheap to join or visit. But you’ll find that nudism has little to nothing to do with sex, so if you’re wanting to get freaky, try it at home.” – Joseph H., 56

Nudist resorts are wonderful places to get some R&R. But if you’re looking to turn it up a notch, I highly recommend starting your own nudist “resort” in the comfort of your own home. It can be just you and a partner, or invite some adventurous friends over for a naked barbeque. For groups, playing sexy roles (like Nude Bartender or Swinging Chef) can make for a fun night of play. And for the monogamous, married or cohabitating, here’s a hint: certain household chores are more fun when you’re naked. So whatever your fancy, try it nude!

3. Popsicle Party

Homemade blueberry ice cream or popsicles decorated green mint leaves on teal rustic table, frozen fruit juice. Vintage style.“It was an especially hot day, so we stocked up on popsicles and ice cream treats and cooled ourselves off the fun way. I can’t believe we hadn’t thought of it sooner!” – Alice F., 30

Flavored ice cubes, fruity popsicles, sticky ice cream sundae treats – the possibilities are endless for a sensuous foodie on a hot summer’s day! There’s only one rule for ice cream play: no cones, spoons or bowls allowed.

Proceed at your own risk:

At the Movies

“We live in a super small town. It’s not uncommon for us to be the only ones watching a movie, especially on a weekday matinee. Having sex at the movies was the wildest thing we’ve ever done. But it’s super illegal, so make sure you’re alone and proceed at your own risk.” – Chelsey V., 19

Don’t Bother:

Sex on a Beach

guy and his girlfriend are on the beach

“It’s not as fun as it sounds. I got sand in all the worst places.” – James R., 27

“A lifeguard saw us and we both got arrested. And the sand…not sexy at all.” – Issa M., 30

Backyard Playtime

“Unless you’re surrounded by hedges, don’t even try having sex in the yard. Even with maximum privacy, come on. People have drones now. Someone is going to report you, and the sex won’t even be worth it. – Pamela W., 41

“Even if you don’t get caught, is your backyard really that sexy? Let’s save you some time: the answer is no.” –Andrew L., 26

Bonus Option: Try Something New, and Tell Us About It!

At LoveTV, we’re always on the lookout for hot ideas. What’s your greatest summer sexcapade? We can’t wait to hear about it!

What You’re Getting Wrong About Sex Positivity

by Ola Faletiin Sex, SEX TIPS

Sex positivity is all the rage, but that doesn’t mean your sexual habits should go unchecked.

The pillar of modern feminism is female choice. There’s the choice to terminate pregnancies, the choice to become a housewife or CEO, and the choice to view sex strictly as empowerment — or not.

Maybe you’ve heard the term “sex positive,” which is attributed to Austrian psychoanalyst and Freud student, William Reich. While the International Society for Sexual Medicine says that “sex positive” can be interpreted in more than one way, being sex positive generally “involves having positive attitudes about sex and feeling comfortable with one’s own sexual identity and with the sexual behaviors of others.”

Reich thought that healthy attitudes towards embracing sex would yield positive effects for the physical and mental health of individuals, and society as a whole. Reich would become a prime inspiration of the 1960s Free Love movement and today we see sex positivity all around us, such as “Slut Walks” conducted across the country to end rape culture.

But can you be both sex positive and critical?

sexy girl cuddling

We know that a one-size-fits-all approach never works. For the woman who asserts her right to view sex as an all-empowering act, there’s the woman who with a leerier eye towards sex. Her own sexual experiences might’ve been terrible. Or for her, sex and manipulation go hand-in-hand. Or she believes that sex is dominated by the patriarchy, and we should be wary about how we engage in it and consume it.

“Sex negative” is sometimes used to categorize people (often women) who hold those beliefs about sex. The history of this word is much newer and much murkier than “sex-positive.” However, I’ve heard people say that “sex critical” is a more accurate term for their own beliefs, and I can see why. Any good feminist, regardless of their opinions toward sex, should be critical of their ideology. The good news? Criticism and positivity aren’t mutually exclusive.

Sex positivity does not mean everything goes.

It’s not smart to encourage women and girls to embrace all aspects of their sexuality without considering the consequences. Not everyone’s built for one-night stands and hookups anyway.

While there’s not much conclusive research about casual sex’s negative emotional effects, a New Zealand study from researchers at the University of Dunedin found that promiscuity increases substance dependency problems, more so for women than men. When you think about the libations that go into making random hookups less awkward, it’s not hard to connect the dots.

That’s why it’s important to know the type of person you are before you decide who you sleep with and how you will sleep with them. It’s part of what being a sexually responsible person means. And better mental health equals better sexual health — which equals better sex. Yay!

Sex should be healthy — physically and emotionally.

sexy couple foreplay

Being sexually responsible also means putting your well-being first. Self-harm takes on many forms, one of which can be promiscuity (though not everyone categorizes promiscuity as self-harm, especially since it doesn’t cause direct damage to skin, tissue or organs).

One 2013 study of Swedish teenagers showed teens self-identifying their sexual behaviors as self-harm. Most of those teens experienced sexual trauma in their younger lives. So yes, casual sex with multiple partners is a wild and fun time for many, and masochistic ritual for others.

If you are someone with many sexual partners, examine your reasons for why that is. Do you get something positive out of all your experiences? Do you leave those encounters feeling emotionally and sexually satisfied? If you don’t, you might want to reconsider your sexual decisions. Examine your own sexual history and its pain points before choosing to engage promiscuously.

Sex positivity is about empowerment and consent.

The line between sexual freedom and sexual objectification is a thin one for women. We all know the “lady in the streets, freak in the sheets” adage. One of patriarchy’s cruel ironies: the desire for sexually adventurous women and the desire to shame them for it. Anal play, for example, has entered pop culture — what does that mean about what we expect of women? Are men going to expect female partners who’ll play with their prostates, or take it from the back?

In the sex positive sphere, it can be easy to have lots of wild sex and tell yourself that you’re exercising your liberties. But are you? Or are you just doing what you think will keep a man happy?

Sex positivity doesn’t mean never considering negative consequences, but about making sex choices that work for you.

Your sex life is yours, whether you choose to engage copiously or not at all. If you’re sex-positive — kudos. But take the time to see things with a “critical” perspective; it’ll only make your own sex life better, I promise. By doing this, you can make sure all the aspects of your sexual experience are positive, not just the physical ones.

Looking for more ways to enhance sex with a partner? Please do this one thing after sex.

Why Good Looks Don’t Guarantee a Good Lay

by Ola Faletiin Sex, SEX TIPS

Pretty people don’t actually have it all when it comes to sex.

Ah, the beautiful people, with their killer bodies and smilies, universal love from everyone, better sex… right?

The advantages that conventionally attractive people get is called “beauty privilege.” But there are ways they’re at a disadvantage when it comes to sex. Here are five reasons why being attractive could work negatively in their favor.

1. Beauty is intimidating.

How many times have you passed someone on the street that took your breath away with their impeccable bone structure? You probably thought, “Damn – they’re way out of my league.” Chances are, a lot of people think like you. Even Rihanna complained about “not getting booty calls” (hence her heavy Twitter presence). Of course, her superstar schedule keeps her busy, but insecure men are bound to be scared off by Rih’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” title.

The conventionally average-looking among us tend to be intimidated by the super conventionally attractive. What does that mean? Less sex for the beautiful. So take heart — next time you see a babe in public, spit some game. They might not be getting as much attention as it seems.

fashion models good looks

2. They might not always get honest feedback on their skills.

Being beautiful can translate to not having to try as hard. Continuous studies have proven that humans perceive those with “beauty privilege” as friendlier, smarter and just better. This carries over into many realms, sex included, If you’ve had the pleasure of sleeping with someone beautiful, perhaps they rocked your world. Or maybe they were absolutely unremarkable.

I remember a college acquaintance who hooked up with a campus heartthrob. The verdict? He just “laid there” and she did all the “work.” Is it really his fault, though? Beautiful people may live in a bubble of privilege that lets them not need to do as much work in life, so why would they in bed? Good news for them, not-so-good news for everyone else.

3. Pretty on the outside does not guarantee pretty on the inside.

I’ve met some very lovely beautiful people and, unfortunately, beautiful people that turned ugly once they said more than 5 words to me. The pretty-but-mean stereotype has a firm place in our hearts. Hello, Regina George? Blair Waldorf?

Sure, these are the pretty people that make a bad name for the rest, but there’s also science on our side: a 2011 Spanish study suggested that people with symmetrical faces (a common marker of conventional attractiveness) are more self-sufficient and have less incentive to co-operate with others. And man, if there’s anything that takes cooperation it’s sex. Good sex, at least.

4. They get used, too.

We all have feelings and no one likes when they’re hurt. No one likes being used. Those are human universals. But beauty is currency in our society. Being attractive can put you at higher risk for meaningless hookups and jerks who spend a night cooing sweet things in your ear, only to ghost on you the next day.

Too many folks just want a pretty notch on their belt and don’t care about the emotions beyond someone’s nice face and body. Which creates a fertile breeding ground for trust issues, a whole ‘nother can of worms to contend with.

good looks

5. Good looks does not always equal good self-esteem.

I know a number of conventionally beautiful women who do not see themselves as such. They see their barely-noticeable cellulite and the damn-near-invisible whiteheads on their face. From them, I learned that good looks do not always equal good self-esteem. And self-esteem is one of those things that becomes incredibly evident after you’re around someone for longer than half an hour.

Someone with good self-esteem knows how to enjoy their own body as much as their partner’s, and is more receptive to the give-and-take of sexual interaction. I’ve never slept with an Adonis with confidence issues, but I’m positive I’d rather choose an average-looking, self-assured man.

So the next time you see a dreamboat and think they have “beauty privilege,” well, think twice.

Beauty privilege might get you jobs, promotions, and the social ease that comes with everyone wanting to get into your pants — but that doesn’t always translate to an amazing sex life. For all you know they’re enduring a year-long drought. But with some confidence and empathy, you can be the one to end it for them.

For more sex tips, check out this fairly unconventional suggestion on getting the best sex of your life.

Did Millennials Kill The Sexual Revolution?

by Virginia Jonesin Sex, SEX TIPS

Millennials aren’t as sexually active as we’re led to believe. Why is that — and what does it mean?

So, everyone knows that millennials are the most sexually active generation, right?

They’re all about hooking up and moving on, without thoughts of relationships or emotional attachment. They’re just out all day on their hoverboards, snapchatting, eating black ice cream, and designing apps for people who want their dogs to meet.

We’ve seen it on Girls and Broad City, we’ve read articles about it, some of us have even written about it. This generation just can’t get enough of strings-free hookups!

Actually, no.

According to a recent study, millennials are having LESS sex than the rest of us.

 

According to a report published by the Archives of Sexual Behavior, 15 percent of 20- to 24-year-olds have not had sex since turning 18, up from 6 percent in the early 1990s.

It goes on to say that younger millennials (those born in the early 1990s) are 41 percent more likely to be sexually inactive than their peers born in the 1980s and more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive in their early 20s than Generation X.

So, despite what you’ve heard, millennials are losing their virginity later, leaving sex as a lower priority, marrying later, and in general, are having less sex than any other group in the last 60 years.

How did we get it so wrong? In a word, media.

The percentage of millennials that is pursuing lots of casual sex is more visible and sexier to gossip about. And moreover, many chaste young adults may portray more of a sexy dating life online as part of their “brand” than what they’re pursuing privately.

Is this a blip on the radar, or does this reflect a change of attitude about sex?

The American sex life used to begin at marriage, or right before, which meant that in 1950, most people got married by 22. It was not socially acceptable to have children outside of wedlock, and so sex was considered dangerous and a potentially life-changing activity.

In 1960, the birth control pill became available in the United States. As the danger of accidental pregnancy dropped dramatically, people began questioning whether they needed to get married at all. By 1975, 35 percent of people thought of marriage as an “outdated concept,” and we rejected a lot of ideas about the dangers of premarital sex as old-fashioned. American society has become more secular and our morals have changed to reflect a more humanist society. Since we no longer need to get married to have sex or children, average marriage age has increased to an “elderly” 28 in 2010 and keeps going up.

But what if the sexual revolution of the ‘60s was the abnormality, and this generation is normalizing the behavior humans had for hundreds of years, limiting their number of partners and having sex later?

What’s causing this sexual abstinence in young people? Let’s explore what might be getting in the way.

Awkward couple lying in bed looking away

  1. They’re broke.

With tuitions going up, rents in cities rising, and job requirements also increasing, money’s tight.  For the first time in more than 130 years, adults aged 18 to 34 are more likely to live with their folks than with a partner, which puts a damper on sexual activity — a factor also cooling off ardor in Tokyo. The last generation that had this level of sexual inactivity in their youth was during the Great Depression, which was another era where young people had less free time and disposable income.

  1. They’re overworked.

For kids who do get their first jobs in high-pressure environments, they may be expected to be hyper-vigilant and perpetually available to their higher-ups via their phones, put in long hours and struggle for success. This doesn’t leave them with a lot of energy or time for meeting other people or pursuing them seriously.

  1. They’re scared of intimacy.

relationship problems

A recurring theme in music and films is the danger of “catching feelings”, or, worse, of not catching them and of disappointing another person romantically. They speak of love like a disease that can happen if you’re not careful, and many would rather set that aside for now.

  1. They feel unattractive.

The very apps we credit with every kid we know hooking up might only serve the 20 percent best looking of the population. The biggest visible effect of picture-based swiping apps is the death of the “mixed-attractiveness” couple, where one person is less attractive but may be smart, charming, or fun to be with — but only in person, not online. In their increasingly demanding world of snapchat and Instagram, average-looking kids may not even bother with dating apps.

  1. Their meds don’t help.

As you might guess, this broke, stressed, and overworked generation struggles with anxiety and depression — and taking medication for it. Many are probably experiencing side effects that limit their interest in sexual activity.

  1. Porn is everywhere.

Like the sexless generation in Japan, young American men are meeting many of their sexual urges with pornography, which is 100 percent dedicated to being exactly what you want it to be, without the entanglements or dangers of intimacy with other people. They are also the first generation that had pornography available to them as soon as they thought they might want to see some, with the availability of the internet on every computer, tablet, or phone they’ve ever had.

So it might not be about a change in attitude, but just some really specific circumstances that are keeping millennials from having sex.

I would guess that this group’s sexual disinterest is only temporary, and in general in keeping with their interest in delaying adulthood. As this generation finds its way in our great big beautiful world, they’re going to want to have sex with it. The revolution need not be Tinder-ized.

One Couple’s Radical Approach To Solve Their Sexless Marriage

by Amy Rettein Sex, SEX TIPS

My husband and I found ourselves in a sexless marriage after having our son two years ago.

Sound familiar?  That’s because it was the same problem so many other long-term, committed couples experience: one of us wanted a lot of sex, one of us wanted none.

We’d started as an extremely sexually active couple.

Even after the two year mark, when those brain chemicals that make us unbearably horny are supposed to wear off, we were unable to resist one another. When we married, it was with the mutual understanding that a healthy sex life was a top priority to both of us in a long term marriage.

So six weeks after my c-section, when I wasn’t even feeling a tingle of emotion, he started to get concerned. When we did finally try, it was the worst sex either of us has ever experienced. I hated it and my body responded accordingly. We had to stop two minutes into it as our bodies rubbed together, chaffing with the friction of dry skin against dry skin.

As months went on, he began to blame me for his growing unhappiness and I blamed him for pushing physical intimacy that I had no interest in. It was a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle.

In desperation, I made an all encompassing effort to find my missing libido. But counseling, crystals, massage, visiting an energy healer, yoga, boudoir photos, talking to a doctor, and anything else you’ve ever heard or read about didn’t work.

So, we decided to take a radical approach to solve our sexless marriage.

Irritated sick couple on bed at home

My husband would take a three week vacation from our family during which he was allowed (and encouraged!) to have as much sex with as many strangers as he’d like.

For any readers who may be formulating assumptions about how that conversation went, it’s important to note that I was the one who first stumbled upon the idea of a sex-cation for my husband, and I was the one who did the convincing.

We’d explored the concept of an open relationship, threesomes, and polyamory already. None of those structures sat well with us. Long term, we wanted to be in a monogamous relationship. He’s an intensely committed human who prefers stability to change. I don’t have the emotional and/or intellectual resources to grapple with the philosophical and logistical questions that come up during multi-person relationships.

In all of my journaling and therapy, I found myself coming back to one problem over and over again — and that was blame. Hormones do some weird things to both men and women once a baby enters the picture.

My husband had quietly started blaming me when our new infant cannibalized our lives. In his mind, he’d imagined becoming a father later in life and felt that I’d pressured him to move up the timeframe. In some ways, he was right, but the choice was always his.

Caught in his own disappointment and blame, he failed to meet my needs as a new, breastfeeding, semi-depressed mother. I needed empathy more than anything, and that’s the one thing he failed to give me. Unlike his quiet blame, mine was a loud, raging anger.

In my mind, the misery of that first year of motherhood was almost entirely on his shoulders. And it made my vagina clam up.

From there it spiralled. As a man with an unusually high sex drive, he was miserable. He felt rejected and abandoned. He felt as though I’d misled him in my sexual willingness before pregnancy, that I’d stolen his opportunity to experience a varied and healthy sex life while he was still young. Not knowing what else to do, he just kept propositioning me.

I, unsurprisingly, felt pressured by him, as if he believed it to be my duty to surrender my body to his needs. Even after the first year of motherhood, I found myself piled under domestic demands. On top of washing diapers, arranging childcare, keeping the house clean, and managing our schedules, I was at the helm of my startup — a company that was rapidly growing. At the end of the day, there was nothing left for me to give, and from my fed-up perspective, my husband just needed to grow up and get over it.

I know it sounds ugly; it was. There’s nothing about a suddenly sexless relationship that’s pretty.

I wanted out. He wanted out. So I made the decision to give us both what we wanted. He would leave for three weeks and finally get his sexual needs met. I would manage the household, catch up on work, and be left blissfully alone. At the end, we’d come back together and hopefully be able to view the situation with fresh eyes.

Guess what? It worked.

He left for a large city in Southeast Asia shortly after. We’d spent a significant amount of time there in the past, and he already had friends who lived in the region. Our rules stated that he could only begin his time of freedom once he left the city we lived in, and could only engage with women neither of us had previously known. All of the dating apps he used, needed to create with email accounts he’d delete after he returned. He was not allowed to give out contact information, give his last name, or meet the same person a second time. This was designed to be a physical experience, not an emotional one. Any questions I had were not only allowed to be asked, but he would be obligated to answer truthfully.

The second he walked out the door, I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders (or, I guess, my loins).

Young parents

Fearing the lack of help from a second parent, I’d built backup plans upon backup plans for handling our little one which resulted in our household running better than it ever had. Once I got the baby down for sleep, I’d journal and then read. Two things I hadn’t done for enjoyment since I was pregnant.

Without any external demands, I found time to run during my lunch breaks, and even hired a sitter to go out with friends on several occasions. When I came home those nights, I’d crawl into my big empty bed and sleep until morning. Those were the first times in over a year I’d slept through the night. It was positively glorious.

Instead of anxiety over what my husband was doing, I felt relief at having one less person to “service” in my life. I could actually pay attention to myself, something I’d all but forgotten how to do.

Across an ocean, my husband was working out his own issues.

He was finding that he still had worth. Women wanted, not rejected, him. And through his many encounters, he discovered something that saved us. I had not been the one to force domesticity upon him — he’d always wanted it. It was, like I’d been insisting, his choice all along. The encounters he had reminded him sex was necessary, but it didn’t make him happy. He found that he loved me deeply and craved the safety of our monogamy. His flings were physically satisfying yet emotionally devoid.

When he returned, the blame spiral reversed itself. He understood that he had chosen me as his partner willingly and any pressure he’d felt was nothing more than a way of blaming someone else for his unhappiness in early parenthood. That renewed love and understanding showed itself in the form of empathy towards me. Because of that, I felt supported. And because of the weeks alone, I felt refreshed. We had sex a few times.

Those few times encouraged him, which caused him to show me more appreciation, and so on, until the pain of our post-baby lives had dissipated.

My nether regions slowly woke up.

A year later, we can call ourselves happy without a hint of a lie.

We’re not back to our pre-baby sex lives, but we’re up to a healthy few times a week— far from a sexless marriage. Our solution may not work for everyone (heck, it may not work for most!), but my hope in writing this is that I’ll reach at least one person out there who is out of options. Someone who is looking for a solution where there seem to be none. If you’re out there, don’t be afraid to veer off the path and find a new way. Find something that works for your relationship, no matter how crazy it seems.

For more reading about solving a sexless marriage, check out this article that can help you determine how much sex is healthy, or this helpful advice on regaining your sexual confidence.

Tongue-Tied During Sex? Here’s the Sexy Talk Women Want to Hear.

by Kelley Lynnin Sex, SEX TIPS

When it comes to intimacy, women love communication — and that includes sexy talk.

We love to feel close to you, and for us, that closeness comes from more than just the physical. Sure, it comes from your tenderness. Your touch. That look. But most of all, it’s the words you say to us while in the throws of passion that can really get us over the edge.

So if you want to guarantee your partner has an amazing time in bed with you, and that you have an equally amazing time, check out these sexy talk phrases that most women really respond to during sex:

“You look so beautiful.”

Telling your partner she is beautiful is always welcome, but even more so when in the midst of sexy-time together. By letting her know that you think she looks beautiful or gorgeous right this minute, while she might be a bit sweaty or her hair may look like she just went through a wind tunnel at warp speed, you are ensuring her that she is always beautiful to you. This is very comforting to us, so please feel free to remind us as many times as you like. (But only if you are being genuine. Women can pick up on “lines” a lot better than you think.) The more beautiful we feel, the more relaxed we feel, which means more fun for you!

“You are so f**king hot/sexy.”

All men are different, as are all women, so feel free to choose whichever word you like to use in your sexy talk. The key word here is the curse word. Telling us that we are so sexy or so hot that you can’t control your language is pretty much an instant turn-on. Make sure you put extra emphasis on the curse word – stretch it out a bit. Let’s just say hearing these words makes us feel really really good. You telling us we are hot to you, makes us feel very hot, and then we just want to devour you.

“I want you so badly right now.”

Also acceptable is “I NEED you so badly.” You can rotate between the two if you get bored. The important thing with this one, is, again, being genuine. This should be said in the moment, during foreplay probably, and as part of the build-up and teasing. Bonus points if you whisper it in her ear before or after sucking her earlobe, kissing her neck, or holding her face and looking into her eyes.

young beautiful couple hugging and talking

“I love your body.”

It’s pretty safe to say that the majority of women are self-conscious about their bodies. Most of us feel negatively or badly about at least some areas of our bodies, and these insecurities are only magnified for us when we are naked and vulnerable and completely exposed. So, if you have been with your partner awhile, and know where her insecurities lie, reassure her that you love every inch of her. With this one, get as specific as possible, talking about individual body parts, skin, curves, tattoos, or whatever else you truly love about your partner.

“This feels amazing. I love the way you…”

The last part of this sentence will be different, depending on the couple and what you both enjoy doing in bed together, but be specific in letting her know exactly what you love, preferably while she’s doing it. Why? Because hopefully she will take the hint and keep doing it, which will lead to an incredible orgasm for you. If you love the way she makes out with you, tell her. If you love how she teases your nether regions with her fingertips, let her know. Positive reinforcement will lead to more creativity, and more trying new things. Fun!

“I love the way you taste.”

For whatever reason, most of us women are a bit nervous about what you will think of our vagina. The scent, the look, the overall chemistry of things — it’s something we generally worry about, and often make all kinds of assumptions when we don’t hear confirmation that everything is, well, peachy.  So don’t leave us wondering. Tell us. Any genuine and positive words you have about “down there,” would go a long way in building our confidence level, and ensuring that we can relax when you are pleasing us, instead of worrying about if you even want to be doing that. Hearing that you love how we taste or smell or look down there is the perfect antidote to all our insecurities, and will most likely lead to an epic orgasm.

Young Couple Lying whispering

“I could stay here forever with you.”

This one is probably better once you are in an actual relationship with your partner, as this might be weird to say during a one-night stand or casual situation. But assuming you are with one another and care about each other, it is very comforting for us to hear and to know that you are genuinely happy and content right here, right now, with us. That you’re not in any big hurry to get up and leave. That is a beautiful thing.

“[Insert yummy sound here].”

There are several versions of this, but generally speaking, women love to hear men moaning and making sounds of ecstasy, just as much as men love to hear us. There is nothing hotter than knowing and having audible evidence that you are turning someone on, when you hear their screams, their groans, or their garbled and mumbly sexy talk. We dig that.

“I love you.”

Again, not so much for the one-night stand or casual sex, or for anyone you don’t actually love. But if you are in a loving, caring, mutually exclusive relationship, and you are being intimate, nothing makes a woman feel more connected or bonded with you, than hearing you say those three words, in the midst of lovemaking. The only thing I can think of that would be better than these three words, is making it four words by adding the ultimate curse for emphasis: I f**king love you.

Now if you’ll all excuse me, I need to go and find my partner so we can put all of these into practice.

You should go and do the same — or share what sexy talk tactics you learned with them. It may require lots of practice, so keep trying out your newfound love of words until you feel comfortable. Your partner will thank you for it.

For more ideas on spicing things up in the bedroom, check out this primer on how to dominate your man or, conversely, this interesting read on what not to do during sex.

Having Sex After A Dry Spell: What Your Body Is Trying To Tell You

by Kelley Lynnin Body, RELATIONSHIPS, Sex, SEX TIPS

Here’s what to know before getting back in the saddle after a sexual dry spell.

Sometimes, life doesn’t go quite as we may have pictured it or planned it. Every now and again, life enjoys tossing a few curve balls at us, just for kicks. Sometimes these changes in life can cause us to take a short, or very long, “dry spell” — or hiatus from being intimate with someone.

Whatever your reasons are for taking a break from dancing in the sheets, there are some things you should know before diving in again.

First, try and imagine your body having an actual, physical voice.

What would your body’s voice sound like when it spoke to you? Now that you have that voice in your head, give this a read. These are all the things your body has been trying to tell you, about how it might react to intimacy after an epic dry spell.

So, grab a glass of wine and listen to your body’s important messages about re-entering a world where sex happens.

“Ouch! That Hurts!”

dry spell

If you’re feeling pain, that might be your body saying:

“Hey there sister, remember me? Your body? The one you’ve been beating up and not taking great care of lately? The one you’ve been feeding Doritos and Coke to at midnight and then expecting me to relax and fall asleep? The one you’ve been neglecting to give any exercise to, other than that walk back and forth to the refrigerator?

“Look, lady – I want it just as much as you do. I mean, let’s face it. It’s been awhile. But please, for the love of God, try and remember that we are both out of practice, and that maybe my parts don’t move that way anymore. We need to train for this. Until then, and for now, be gentle.”

Did some weird, unusual sounds happen?

If you’re surprised by your new vocal reactions, your body is probably trying to say:

“So, the last time that you and I went down this sex road, I was just a tad more of a spring chicken. I, your body, may have been a lot more silent in the bedroom. Now – and I hate to mention this, but things might be a bit … well … louder. There may be flatulence involved. Just sayin’. Maybe you might be trying to kiss your lover and have a hot make-out session, when suddenly your insides feel like they might explode, and then … BURPPP!!!! Yeah.

“You see, 5 years ago, when we had sex for the last time, I was able to eat a big bowl of chili and have zero side effects whatsoever. Now? That chili residue ends up wafting in the air, seconds after your sexy kissing session. So, be careful what you eat before love-making, and it will reduce the noises involved. Capisce? Good.”

“Maybe we should practice together…”

Your body may may be feeling neglected, especially when it tells you a story like this:

“The only action I ever get is when your hands and fingers graze over me while you’re in the shower and applying body gel. Or when your back is itchy and you scratch it with one of those long back scratcher type things. Hell, the other day I felt your fingers wandering down in the direction of your honeypot, and I thought: ‘Finally! She’s gonna give me a little somethin somethin.’ But no. You were just getting prepared to shave your naughty bits, and all I felt was razor burn.

“It’s time for me to make a demand of you. PLAY WITH YOURSELF ALREADY!!! SWEET JESUS, I NEED TO BE TOUCHED!!! Look, its been a long time since you’ve had some intimacy. You may have changed your mind about how you like to be touched, what feels good. How will you know what to tell your partner if you haven’t tested the product in ages? You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one. Dim the lights. Put on those silky panties that accentuate my delicious curves, throw on some Marvin Gaye, and let’s get it on.”

“I’m different now.”

You might need to give your body a pep talk. Really listen when it explains your mutual history, as if it were saying:

“We’ve been through a lot, you and I. And even though this body might be a bit less perfect or tight than the last time we did this, I feel good. Actually, I feel great. I’m no longer as concerned with how I look in this position or that one – I just want to feel good. Let’s get this party started.”

“Your sex life ain’t the only thing dry, honey.”

Let there be no shame in admitting that you may need a bit of lube to get things started. Hey, it’s no one’s fault. Your body may quip:

“The last time you touched your bush, the first Bush was still in office — and you still had a bush. Now, it’s smooth sailing down here, but it may feel more like a desert until we get some real practice in. Until then, let’s invest in some K-Y Jelly, and be on our way to heavenly bliss.”

“I’m a little bit kinkier now. How about you?”

Let your mind go where your body wants to go. Try something new.

“And hey, what do you have to lose?” your body may be telling you. “If you don’t like it, you just don’t do it anymore. But imagine if you DO like it! Then you just gave us both future hours and hours of pleasure. Last time we did this sex thing, you might not have been this open-minded, and I wasn’t this willing to go along. But now —why not? Right? Let’s go discover what our turn-ons are today. I promise you, our new sexual adventures will be a thousand times better than yet another Grey’s Anatomy marathon.”

So, what’s your body telling you?

Spend some time listening to your body before throwing a bucket of water on that dry spell. It’ll make it an infinitely more enjoyable experience as you re-enter your sexual world.

Need some encouragement to break that dry spell? Consider this article about how sex is good for your health, and this one about elevating your pleasure with meditation. 

6 Intimacy Techniques To Try When “Sex” Is Temporarily Not An Option

by Kelley Lynnin Sex, SEX TIPS

When your sex drive is “out of order,” here are some intimacy techniques to keep things spicy and hot!

Women’s magazines love to talk a good game with stories about people who seem to be constantly having amazing sex. In their imaginary world, couples are having sex with each other pretty much all the time, and you read these headlines that say things like: “How often should you be having sex with your partner?” or “Are you having enough sex to satisfy your partner?” and, suddenly, you feel like a failure before you have even done anything.

The truth is, the real world is much different than what traditional media show.

There are a myriad of reasons why usually sexually active couples might not be having penetrative sex.

If you’re in a relationship that regularly has sex, there are many things that can put “traditional” sex on hold. Things like low sex-drive, depression, long or short-term illnesses, injuries, pregnancies, post-pregnancy issues, stamina issues, vaginismus, side effects from medications, diabetes, age, and those periods in time when you’re simply just not feelin’ it.

And although this is certainly something to adjust to and come to terms with, it does not mean that intimacy and deep connection is not possible. There are many ways in which a couple can become and remain close, without having “traditional” intercourse.

Some of the following examples are sexual, and others aren’t. But they will all help you to stay intimate with one another. Finding creative ways to stay connected can mean the difference between a “blah” relationship and one with endless fireworks.

romantic date

Here are some great intimacy techniques to try, when penetrative intercourse isn’t an option:

1. Massage & intimate touch

Touching one another is a fantastic way to remain intimate. Often times, when intercourse and orgasm is the primary focus, things can become somewhat robotic or routine, and you may stop paying attention to the details of your partner’s body. These areas carry erogenous zones, and can act as just as much of a turn-on as the obvious “go to” spots. Touch your partner. Everywhere. Take turns giving each other full body rubdowns or massages. Use oils and lotions to help enhance or change the feeling of the touch. Light some candles, put on some music, and ease each other into a world of relaxation and romance.

2. Cuddling

Different from the interactivity of massage or intentional touch, this is the comforting act of holding one another. Yes, it sounds corny, but there is truly nothing like being held by the person you love. It sends a feeling of calm and peacefulness through their body, and it definitely creates a closeness between the two of you that is tough to achieve any other way. Embracing in the silence of each other’s arms is comforting and reassuring of your connection.

3. Make-out sessions

Often times when sex has been the focus of a couple’s intimate experiences, kissing can get lost inside all the action. In my opinion, kissing is underrated, and if you really spend some good quality time on kissing and making out with one another, it can be a huge turn-on. My partner and I sometimes have contests with ourselves, to see if we can lock lips for five minutes straight, or during the commercials of a TV show we are watching. Turning kissing into a game or competition can be super fun, and a great way to spice things up when sex isn’t in the picture.

young lovers are cuddling in the bed looking deep into eyes

4. Oral sex

If penetrative intercourse is not an option for whatever reason, but oral pleasure is, then by all means, go for it! Oral pleasure is a sure fire way to orgasm for both parties, and is very erotic and fun. There are also many ways and many positions to try this in, both when receiving and giving, so it can be different each time. Playing with senses such as warm and cool, taste enhancers, and edible oils can also be fun.

5. Stare at each other

…not in a creepy way, of course, but in a silent, deep connecting kind of way. Sometimes we get caught up in the loudness of everything or the fast-paced world we all live in. Take a few moments, or set a timer even, where talking is not allowed, and try to simply focus on each other’s breath, faces, eyes, and other details. This can be quite satisfying, when practiced regularly. I have recently done a lot of this “deep staring” with my partner, and it is a beautiful way to get lost in each other. When we do this, it feels really connected and emotional, in the very best of ways. And for an added activity, try also asking these New York Times approved questions that are “guaranteed” to make you fall deeper in love.

6. Extreme teasing

This is where you bring each other to the brink of orgasm, and then stop, and then start, or switch to a new area on their body. Lots of kissing, touching, caressing, and a combination of the senses is what this entails and accomplishes. You can include many things in your teasing, such as toys or props, to make things even more interesting. Blindfolds, dildos, stimulators, body paints, or whatever else makes you happy.

The bottom line is, the more you can find out what makes the other person tick, the more fun you will have together.

Open-mindedness and communication are everything, especially when intercourse is either limited or not possible. You can still find ways to connect, both physically, and emotionally. Try some of these suggestions tonight, and see for yourself just how fun and fresh your sex life can be, even without intercourse.

If you’d like to read about other intimacy techniques, check out these 21 things to try in long term relationships. Or these 11 ideas for newlyweds!