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Doing Relationships Right Based on Watching My Parents Do It All Wrong

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

I learned that when you remained calm, you could actually have an intelligent conversation and come to an agreement without ever raising your voice. It was groundbreaking.

When I was 5 years old, my dad was using hard drugs and my mom was cheating on him. I don’t know who earned the title of chicken and who of egg, or which came first, but the end result was the same. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional household where everyone was walking on eggshells. It was clearly an environment ill-suited to the healthy development of young kids.

Thankfully, I was too young to remember a lot of it or I blocked it out. Relatives tell me that I didn’t talk for months at a time as a kid (something that’s hard to believe, since my verbosity has more than made up for it since).

My parents eventually had a reckoning, pledged to clean up their act, and decided to try to save their marriage. While they did, in fact, stay together — and as far as I know, got sober and honest — they continued to fight like cats and dogs. The water under the bridge was at constant high tide, sloshing with resentment and distrust. And my brother and I were the innocent fish caught in the fury. I remember having to put on my headphones and blast Gloria Estefan cassette tapes on my boom box just to stay sane and drown out my parents’ constant bickering.

Growing up, there was not a night that went by in my house without raised voices, tear-stained cheeks, and all-around bad feelings. In fact, after more than three decades of nearly constant battling, it’s almost a miracle that my parents are still together. I say “almost,” because it’s possible it would have been better for everyone if they had split.

I know my story isn’t unique. In fact, I personally don’t know anyone who had a “normal” household growing up. Regardless, like many of my peers who survived dysfunctional childhoods, I made a conscious decision the moment I set foot into the adult world at age 18 that I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes my parents made. Of course, like many others, I also went on to make a lot of the same mistakes my parents made. I watched the patterns of dysfunction play out in my dating life throughout my late teens and early 20s, as I picked partners who familiarly reeked of high drama. I set myself up for failure without even realizing I had a choice in the matter.

When I reached my mid-20s and narrowly squeezed out of yet another relationship earmarked by substance abuse and infidelity, I finally caught my breath long enough to realize that I could take control of the situation and shape my own future. I think a part of me knew I had to get these bad experiences under my belt before I could clear the cobwebs enough to realize functionality and happiness were my actual desires for long-term commitment.

Then, I met my now-wife.

I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I WITNESSED WITH MY PARENTS AND REALIZED I HAD BEEN ACTING AS IF I WERE THEM OR SOMEHOW STILL UNDER THEIR SPELL.

From day one, my wife has been a true beacon of normalcy. My love and respect for her was so pure that I knew I had no choice but to get in line and become the partner I was meant to be. Before this relationship, every time tension arose, my default was to erupt in a pile of stinky dysfunction filled with finger-pointing and epithets. But with my wife, I completely changed my conflict patterns and started doing something amazing, instead.

I stopped and allowed myself time to process.

I thought about what I witnessed time and again with my parents and realized I had been acting as if I were them or somehow still under their spell. I told myself that I was my own person. I could rise above this and choose to be the adult in the relationship that I had never observed, but knew in my heart I had always wanted.

So, I did the exact opposite of what I saw my parents do.

I pretended that instead of winning an argument (whatever “winning” means, because there’s really no such thing), my goal was to preserve the sanctity of peace and love between me and this woman I respected the hell out of. I learned that when you remained calm, you could actually have an intelligent conversation and come to an agreement without ever raising your voice. It was groundbreaking.

Every time we resolved a dispute using actual listening and polite words, I felt like I had won the lottery. I could sense myself drifting further and further away from the paradigm that was my parents and the way I thought things had to be.

Over the seven years my wife and I have been together, we’ve raised our voices fewer times than I can count on my hand. That doesn’t mean we’ve repressed issues of importance or ignored problems. It doesn’t mean we’re saints who never face the same problems as every other couple. It just means we make a conscious effort to uphold compassion and respect as our pillars. The rest sort of melts away as less important and we’re able to just talk.

Am I mad at my parents for creating a hostile environment? No. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m grateful my parents showed me exactly what not to do so I could grow up to create the home I had only dreamt of under the drowned sound of yelling and the thump of Gloria Estefan blasting in my ears.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Fixing Competitive Attitude in Your Relationship

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage. Many marriages could be saved if spouses improved the ways they communicate with each other.

It’s often the simplest bad habits that get couples into trouble. Once a marriage gets on a rough track, negativity grows. Problems escalate as both spouses repeat their mistakes again and again. Take a look at the following communication mistakes and learn how they can be resolved.

1. Yelling at your spouse.

When you feel angry, you probably start raising your voice. Anger creates tension. As tension builds, you look for a way to release or express it. Yelling at your spouse becomes a quick and easy option, although it often causes more trouble than relief.

It may feel good to unleash your tension on your spouse when they upset you, but the sense of satisfaction is often short-lived. Whatever you say in your angry state is likely to add fuel to the fire.

Yelling unleashes lots of strong, negative emotion. No matter what you are trying to communicate at that point, the emotion is going to take center stage. That’s what captures the listener’s attention most. Unfortunately, your spoken message will be diminished or even misunderstood, because you set up your partner to be defensive and frustrated rather than responsive and understanding.

It’s not that you can’t express some strong emotion when you speak – you’re not a robot, after all. But yelling goes well beyond the line. It sets the stage for an exchange of heated emotions rather than clearly communicated words. Even if your emotion is the message you need to share, a purely emotional exchange can easily transform into an exhausting, destructive habit. At some point, emotions need to be communicated in a way that allows you to move past them, not fuel them.

Let Your Words Speak Volumes To Your Spouse

When you can keep your emotion in check, your message can really shine through. This doesn’t mean you should try to shove your emotions out of the way. They may be a very important part of your situation. But remember – the whole point of communicating is to be clearly understood. To do that, your channel of communication must go two ways. Excessive emotion interferes with that. Take a little time alone to help you ride the wave of feelings and let them settle on their own.

Another option is to take a quick exercise break before you continue the conversation. Exercise is a terrific stress reducer and it can easily distract you from your intense feelings. It’s pretty tough to focus on your troubles when you are nearly out of breath … You may also find it helpful to write out the things you want to say so you take care to deliver your message more clearly.

It’s OK to take your time talking about something that makes you really emotional. You’ll get through the problem more easily if you can keep your spouse on your side instead of pushing them away.

2. Having a Competitive Attitude.

Some competition is OK, but anything that isn’t mutual and playful could build a wall.

Competition is all around us. Football games on TV, soccer games at the high school, getting ahead at work, Christmas displays in the neighborhood — you name it and someone will try to win it. You may have to stay ahead of the game in some areas of your life, but your marriage is not one of them. When one person is always the winner, both spouses lose.

Maybe a little competition between the two of you at the racquetball court is OK. And perhaps you can rib each other with your basketball tournament predictions. But that’s about it. Anything that isn’t mutual and playful could build a wall between you.

If you find yourself building a “case” in the back of your mind with supporting bullet points for every disagreement, you may win the argument nearly every time. However, you may do more to exhaust and demoralize your spouse than anything else.

Think about Why You Need To Win

A person with emotional insecurities may overcompensate by trying to look superior to his or her spouse. When they stay on top, they feel stronger and more confident. They may have trouble being vulnerable, even with their spouse. To do so would expose their insecurities. This would clash with their belief that they are successful.

Does this sound like you? Does your spouse tire of your victory dance and your need to always have the upper hand? Maybe they just want you to come back to earth a little. They are probably far happier to be around you when you show some imperfections. You may not be used to your spouse showing tenderness toward you. If you married a great person, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You don’t have to win to feel satisfied.

3. Making Marriage about Me Instead of We.

Have you ever stopped to listen to the chatter going on in your mind? Most likely, it’s focused on you — what you look like, how you just messed something up, what you have on your schedule later, what you are looking forward to, etc.

Naturally, this chatter is somewhat biased because it’s from your perspective. But how about the chatter that relates to your spouse? Is it all about how much fun you will have later, what you expect from your husband or wife, and what kind of mood you are in?

Take Your Spouse’s Viewpoint and Make Their Day Better

Generosity and considerate behaviors can go a long way toward nurturing a great marriage. Instead of wondering if they’ll ever load the dishwasher right, do something you know your spouse will appreciate. Be forewarned: they may not throw you a ticker-tape parade because you did it. Don’t get caught up in the “what’s in it for me” trap again.

If you continue a pattern of being more generous and thoughtful toward your spouse, they’ll eventually say or do something as a response. They might hold their comments back at first because they don’t know if this trend will stick. They may be waiting to see if this generosity is a gimmick or a set of new, positive habits. When they see that you are genuine and consistent with your efforts over time, your message will be clear. Let those selfish thoughts pass by and keep doing loving things for your spouse.

Here’s another secret about making an effort like this: Feelings follow actions. In other words, you may not feel loving at first when you do these generous acts. If they don’t say anything at first, you may really wonder why you are bothering at all. Keep going anyway. The more you act with generosity, the more you’ll naturally feel generous and loving toward your spouse.

Change Marriage Communication Mistakes by Changing Habits

It takes some practice to change old marriage communication mistakes. It’s amazing how the energy between spouses can change so much with just a few changes. When you understand how it all fits together, you can make real progress in your relationship right away.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Had Sex..But He Isn’t Calling Back? Here is Why.

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

After a fun and crazy night when the man does not text you back, it leaves you all puzzled and agitated. If you are wondering why your man or the guy whom you had a steamy session with is not calling or texting you back, then there can be a few reasons for the same.

In this article, we are here to share some of the reasons as to why a guy has not texted back after sleeping with you. Than fretting about the issue it is always best to wait for a while and then confront the person to know the exact reason. While you’re waiting, listed here are some of the possible reasons. Read on to know more about the reasons that help you to analyse why this happened. There is an awkward moment that makes them do this, especially when it has been a special moment for you and the guy just suddenly disappears leaving you all puzzled. So, let’s find out why men refrain themselves from texting or contacting you after a steamy hot session.

Busy With Work

Do not jump to any conclusions, as your man might be busy with work and really does not have the time to contact you. His work might keep him busy!

Feeling Awkward

He might not be feeling guilty about the whole thing but, for sure, he might be feeling awkward about what happened between you guys.

He Did Not Like It

Maybe he had certain expectations which he thinks you did not live up to which is why he is not keen on texting you back.

Is Not Serious

This might be a casual love session for him and he has moved on. This does make you feel awkward for sure but this can be one of the reasons.

Is Unwell

He may genuinely just be down with viral flu or fever and may not be in a state to talk to anybody. All you need to do is to just wait, may be he would call you back eventually!

Does Not Want To Take Responsibility

He may think that after this the relationship would get serious and he may not be ready to take the responsibility of it yet and that is why he scooted himself!

He Has Somebody Else

He realised that he already has his lady love in his life and you were just a mistake and he does not want to repeat it in his life and that is why he is not contacting you anymore.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Is a Friend in an Abusive Relationship?…Here is How You Can Help

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

How can you help?

If you have a friend who’s in an emotionally abusive relationship and now wants to leave, you may be tempted to run around with sparklers and a party hat. But as wonderful as this news is, there’s a question that arises when your friend decides to take this wonderful step forward: how can you help? Emotional abuse doesn’t leave bruises, but it’s still dangerous, damaging and horribly traumatic. According to Martha Brockenbrough of Women’s Health, emotional abuse “can range from verbal abuse—yelling, blaming, shaming, and name-calling—to isolation, intimidation, and threats. It also commonly shows up as stonewalling and dismissing, behaviors that make victims feel alone and unimportant.” And just because you can’t see the scars of emotional abuse, doesn’t mean that they’re not present: it can leave survivors with post-traumatic stress disorder or other lasting mental health issues.

Your friend’s desire to leave their abusive relationship should be encouraged; but leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is not simple, and figuring out how to best be a supportive friend at this time becomes complicated, as well.

As a friend in this situation, you will likely rapidly discover that, like the relationship itself, the break-up may be terrifying and brutally upsetting. If you’re in this situation, I sympathize deeply, but I also applaud you for wanting to help your friend — your support is crucial. Fortunately, there are things that anybody with a loved one or friend in this position can do to help ease the situation, whether it’s offer practical help, emotional support, or help them access professional advice. Here are seven ways you can offer support to your friend while they try to claw their way out.

1. Recognize That They May Not Listen To You

One of the most important things to understand when supporting your friend is that the break-up of an emotionally abusive relationship is not at all the same thing as the break-up of a relatively healthy one. Emotional abusers typically make sure that their partners are entrenched on a variety of levels, and make the process of breaking free stupendously hard. As “Today” relationship contributor Gail Saltz notes, emotional abusers use a wide variety of manipulative tactics to convince the survivor “that you cannot live without him, and because he has undermined your confidence and feelings of self-worth, you believe it.”

So recognize that the break-up may be very long and drawn-out, and that the well-meaning advice you usually give to friends going through for break-ups (“just leave them/find somebody else/get out of this city for a while”) will likely not apply. Many people in emotionally abusive relationships leave more than once, only to return due to their partner’s manipulation.

This pattern of break and return may also mean that they “go back” on earlier promises to leave, and may ignore or not fully listen to suggestions that this was a dangerous idea. Your friend is caught in an exceptionally powerful hold, and that may be very frustrating for you as you watch their two-steps-forward-one-step-back journey towards freedom. Be aware of this.

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How Working Long Hours Really Effects Your Relationship Life

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Apparently, being “married” to your job isn’t actually detrimental to your real marriage — or any romantic relationship for that matter.

No one wants to be working long hours all the time, so when you have to, you might feel a little guilty — for sitting too long, not getting any exercise, and, of course, not spending time with the person you love.

Well, there are ways to minimize the impact of sitting (so it doesn’t kill you — duh), and exercises you can do at your desk, but is there a way to repair the damage caused by long hours to your relationship?

The movies have created a picture in our minds of the hardworking man or woman mesmerized by the glow of the computer screen late at night juxtaposed next to an image of the partner anxiously waiting for that him or her to pull into the driveway.

But a new study published in the journal Human Relations contradicts that trope completely. Apparently, being “married” to your job isn’t actually detrimental to your real marriage — or any romantic relationship for that matter.

A team of researchers out of Switzerland and Germany gave 285 couples online surveys to test the “conventional wisdom [that] long hours at work dry up employees’ romantic relationships at home,” where they answered questions about their relationship and career goals, working hours, and relationship satisfaction.

Their main hypothesis was that “optimization” of one’s personal life — deliberately investing time, attention, and energy into the relationship — is linked to relationship satisfaction.

However, what they actually found was that couples who spent more time apart due to work obligations actually made more of the time they did have together to compensate for the time apart, creating a good balance in the relationship. They also found that career-focused people were more realistic about what they should expect from their personal lives.

When you really think about it, it’s not a huge surprise: When you spend a lot of time with your partner, it becomes much easier to fall into a comfortable routine and more difficult to make the effort to carve out actual quality time. Who needs a real date night when you just Netflix and chill every night anyway?

Regardless, it’s probably still important to not kill yourself with overtime at the office. After all, many past reports have shown that employees who take time for themselves to recharge — even taking a vacation! — wind up drastically outperforming those who live at their desks.

So find out if you’ve been overworking yourself and take a breather if you need to. But if you’re still set on getting all your work done, and you’re conscious about your relationship (as Shelly Bullard would put it), you can have a little faith that your significant other will still be there for you when you get home.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

In and Out of the Same Relationship? Here Are the Most Important Take Aways!

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

According to research, the majority of people have been in an on-again/off-again relationship at some point in their life.

The 2009 study published in Personal Relationships found that 60 percent of people have, at least at some point in their life, been with someone, broke up with them, then ended up with them again — and maybe again and again and again. It’s a pattern that can be difficult to wiggle out of once it becomes a habit, even if it’s quite clear that you’re completely wrong for each other.

The problem with these relationships is that they’re not just potentially unhealthy, but they can be toxic as hell. Although things may seem fine when you’re back together, all that constant breaking up and the roller coaster of it all, takes a toll, emotionally, psychologically, and even physically. There’s also the fact that, at least according to research, these types of relationships eventually end up coming to an end and not on a very pretty note either.

But while that’s the case, not all is lost. There are some things you can learn from on-again/off-again relationships, even if you don’t realize it until after the fact. Here are nine lessons these relationships have to teach us.

1. People Rarely Change

While it might not be something you want to hear, human beings are, in general, creatures of habit. It’s not that we don’t want to change or better ourselves by cleaning up some of our messy behavior, but we’re just not that great at it. It’s not a personality flaw, as much as it’s human being flaw.

2. You Don’t Know How To Feel Secure

When you’re in a relationship that is on-again/off-again, it’s hard to feel confident with not just what you have with your partner, but in how you feel about yourself. There’s a lot of second-guessing going on and it stems from the fact that your romantic relationship always feels like it’s hanging in balance and you could lose it at any given moment.

3. You Realize It’s Hard To Move On

If every time you break up with your partner, you end up with them weeks or months later, how are you supposed to move on to either someone new or give yourself time to heal? You can’t. You become to addicted to the pattern and too dependent on that person, assuming that the cycle will go on forever.

4. The Drama Isn’t It Worth

So. Not. Worth. It. Think about it: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life going through a breakup with the same person every few months for the rest of your life? You’ll look like you’re 80 when you’re only 40, because of the stress it takes on your life.

5. Old Problems Eventually Come Up

When you’re in an on-again/off-again relationship, you realize that not only do people never (or at least rarely) change, but since that’s the case, the problems that plague your relationship are likely to come up every single time you get back together. Why? Because you two haven’t changed enough to prevent them from popping up again.

6. It Really Confuses The Senses

You’re together. You’re apart. You’re crying because you’ve broken up and are sure you’ll never love again. Then you’re back together. And you’re happy. And you’re skipping through the streets. Then you break up again and you’re crying on the floor. But wait — did they just text? OK; so maybe you’ll be skipping in the streets by tomorrow again. Do you feel confused? Well, you should.

7. There’s Probably A Very Good Reason You Keep Breaking Up

The reasons why people break up runs the gamut. Sometimes love dies, sometimes you realize you’re growing in opposite directions, or maybe one of you cheated, or one of you wants to join the Peace Corps. No matter the reason for the split, you broke up for a reason, so there’s really no point and going through it all again.

8. The Makeup Sex Isn’t Worth It In The Long Run

Yes, makeup sex is great! But there’s only so many times you can break up, have makeup sex, only to break up again, for more makeup sex. It sounds good in theory, but more than anything, it’s exhausting.

9. You Don’t Have Time For This Bullsh*t

You really don’t! If someone can be with you, then be without you, then be with you again… and so on and on, that’s not what you need or deserve. You want someone who can commit and is in it to win it; not someone who thinks you’re their personal yo-yo.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Your Relationship Life Evolves from the Very First One

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Your first relationship has a huge effect on the relationship that come afterward.

Having your first relationship is such a steep learning curve — you’re learning how to be a good partner, you may be having sex for the first time, you’re dealing with your first relationships fights, and, inevitably, your first breakup. But even after the breakup, it’s not over. Your first relationship has a huge effect on the relationship that come afterward. Exactly how much varies from relationship to relationship — and how long you have between them.

If you’re like me and tend to wait a long time between relationships, then there’s a better chance that — while you’ll still have some old habits and hangups — baggage may be less present and inform your relationship less. My first boyfriend liked Dungeons and Dragons way more than he liked me, and I’m totally over it. (Totally. Tote. A. Ly.)

It also depends how good or bad your first relationship was. If you had a horrible or traumatic relationship, those cuts may feel even deeper and fresher as you go into your next one, so your first relationship is going to carry over with you more. If your first relationship was more a case of just trying to be a grownup, no training wheels, and it sort of fizzled out, it probably own’t have the same hold on you. But it’s always there, to some degree or another.

Here’s how your first relationship shapes all the ones after:

1. It Can Help Form Your “Type”

Whether your first love is a brunette bombshell, a red head, short or tall— it sticks with you. Even if you don’t mean to do it, or actively seek it out, there’s a good chance that you’ll start to seek out similar types. Maybe that type is nerdy brunettes… maybe, possibly.

2. Or Who You Avoid

… or, if it was a seriously bad relationship, there’s a chance that you’ll end up hating brunettes or blondes and avoiding them for no good reason. Relationships can leave a bad taste in your mouth, bad enough to avoid anything that looks remotely similar.

3. Your Learn Good And Bad Habits

The first time you’re in a relationship is really formative — you learn how relationships work. Or at least you think you do. The good and the bad habits you form during your first relationship are hard to shake. If you learn how to listen and be supportive, that’s great, but if every tiny disagreement turns into a massive fight, so you just stop communicating, then you learn that habit too, and it can be really damaging for future relationships. You have to be sure to take the positive into your future relationships, but be willing to let go of bad habits.

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Curious to Find Out If a Relationship Will Last with Nearly 100% Accuracy?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships can be dragged down by negative emotions like sadness and hostility. The negativity becomes “like quicksand … the couple steps in and they just sink deeper and deeper”.

romantic coupleDoctors Julie and John Gottman have been studying relationship psychology for 40 years.

They claim the ability to predict with 94 percent accuracy whether a relationship will last.

They’re in Auckland to train clinicians, and met with Story’s Kim Vinnell for an exclusive interview.

The Gottmans shared a few of their key principals for making a relationship work:

  • Express the fondness and admiration you feel. Don’t just think it, say it.
  • Turn toward your partner’s bid for connection. Dr Julie Gottman says if your partner says “Look at that boat”, respond with, “Wow Charlie, that’s a beautiful boat”.
  • Talk about beliefs and values — they don’t need to be the same, but they do need to be discussed.
  • Everybody has conflict. Most conflicts are never resolved. Dr John Gottman says the masters of relationships are “very gentle with each other”.

Dr John Gottman told Story most arguments arise from personality differences, and those differences have to be accepted.

He says the masters of relationships say, “Here’s what I’m thinking, and here’s what I need from you”.

In a good relationship, Dr John Gottman says we see people saying things like “I might be wrong” and “I’m sorry”.

Relationships can be dragged down by negative emotions like sadness and hostility. The negativity becomes “like quicksand … the couple steps in and they just sink deeper and deeper”.

The Gottmans’ research suggests all couples, regardless of gender and sexuality, have similar problems.

However, social barriers — such as workplace prejudice and isolation from family — make some qualities more important in same-sex relationships. Those qualities include a sense of humour and ability to calm down during an argument.

The Gottmans say gay and lesbian partners are less likely to use controlling and hostile emotional tactics.

“What makes relationships work is not that we’re perfect”, Dr John Gottman believes — saying it’s all about “managing miscommunication and repairing.”

Watch the video HERE for the full Story report.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Easy Ideas to Create More Connected Intimacy

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.” ~John Bulwer

If there’s one thing we all want, it’s intimacy.

We want to feel deeply connected to other people, fully seen and appreciated by them, and secure in those relationships.

We can have a million and one acquaintances online, but if none of our connections feel intimate and meaningful, we will ultimately feel alone.

There’s actually some interesting research that shows we tend to value physical possessions less when we feel loved and accepted by others, because relationships can provide a sense of comfort, insurance, and protection. They truly are the most valuable things in our lives.

I remember when I completed my last promotional tour. It’s something I used to do for work—travel around the country promoting products at sporting events, concerts, and retail locations. I chose this career partly because it seemed adventurous, and partly because it allowed me to distract myself with constant change and motion.

Although there were more than 20 people on the tour, I frequently stayed in separate hotels because my responsibility was to care for the tour dog, and the group often stayed in places that didn’t allow pets.

I’d just decided to leave NYC shortly before this job, after slowly climbing out of years of self-loathing, depression, and isolation. I wanted nothing more than to make real friendships, but I simply didn’t know how.

I saw it happening all around me. I saw women forming bonds that I knew would last for years, while I frequently felt awkward and insecure. I saw romantic relationships blossoming, while I had a superficial fling with someone I hardly knew, who hardly knew me back.

Though I was trying to open up to people and create space for them to open up as well, I still felt alone, love-deprived, and terrified that these feelings would endure. As a consequence, I frequently sabotaged myself and potential connections.

I assumed there was something wrong with me for struggling in relationships, when it was actually my thinking that manifested everything that felt wrong.

I’m sure there are countless other people who’ve been in that place before: feeling isolated, disconnected, and confused about how to change it.

Others still experience something different but related: They have meaningful friendships, but still feel there’s something lacking—like there could be more love coming their way, romantically or otherwise.

I’ve learned a lot about giving and receiving love over these last several years, and I’ve dramatically transformed my thinking and sense of connection as a result. If you’ve ever wanted to feel more loved, you may find these tips helpful:

Open Your Heart

1. Initiate meaningful conversations.

The first step to feeling more loved is creating close relationships, and that starts with meaningful, engaged conversations. These don’t necessarily need to be deep and spiritual in nature. They just need to be honest, authentic, and reciprocal.

You can initiate this type of exchange with anyone at almost any time simply by asking about the other person, fully listening to what they have to say, and then finding common ground. Naturally some people will stay shut down, but it’s worth the risk of feeling vulnerable to find the ones who won’t.

2. Give the gift of your presence.

Often when we converse with people, we’re not fully listening; we’re formulating our response in our heads and waiting for our turn to talk. We’re not only doing the other person a disservice when we do this; we’re also shortchanging ourselves.

Think about the last time you really opened up to someone. It likely required you to feel a level of comfort and trust, even if you didn’t yet know that person very well. The act of opening up is itself an offering of love. It’s an invitation to let someone in.

In recognizing this and welcoming it by fully hearing other people, we are, in fact, receiving love.

3. Open up your love valve.

Just like a heart valve prevents blood from flowing backwards, our love valve might block the flow of energy in our interactions. This generally happens when we get too caught up in our head, thinking, analyzing, and wanting more, instead of being present and allowing a natural give and take.

Come into the moment, take the pressure off the situation, and avoid the urge to fill silences with chatter. Instead, picture the interaction as something cyclical in nature, where there’s a balance of sharing and listening, giving and receiving.

When we clear the mental clutter and allow this type of flow, we are in essence choosing to be love.

Open Your Mind

4. Change your beliefs about the world and love.

When we tell ourselves the same things over and over again, we end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you tell yourself that people don’t care, you’ll put that energy into the world and then easily find evidence to back it up. If you tell yourself you’ll never experience love, you’ll create mental barriers and then subconsciously repel it.

Tell yourself a different story: There’s a lot of love in the world, there’s plenty to go around, you deserve it, and it’s coming to you every day.

5. Consider that love might look different than you visualized it.

In telling yourself that love is coming to you every day, you’re not merely lying to yourself; you’re taking responsibility for recognizing the love around you.

It might not be from the person you want to be with romantically. It might not meet the standards and criteria you defined in your head. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

When a friend pushes you to reach your potential, it’s an act of love. When a family member takes the time to listen to you, helping you form insights about your life, it’s an act of love.

See and appreciate the love all around you and it will surely multiply because you’ll come to potential new relationships with a sense of wholeness instead of lack.

6. Give love when you’re tempted to judge.

Ultimately, this is how we all want to be loved: without judgment, pity, or condescension. Commit to giving this kind of love, both in your existing relationships and in new ones you might be tempted to avoid.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow your instincts when you feel like unsafe around someone. It just means you look below the surface, give people a chance, and in doing so create the potential for more meaningful, mutually supportive relationships.

Make the conscious choice to be understanding and compassionate. While getting isn’t the intention of giving, this will likely set the stage for you to receive the same consideration in return.

Open Your Eyes

7. Value the people who are there.

Sometimes we get so caught up looking for romantic love that we forget to appreciate the friends and family who are always there, offering their support. At least I did. Despite my chronic fear of being seen and judged, and my instinct to self-sabotage, I spent a long time believing that I was incomplete.

I know you might be thinking that friendships aren’t the same as romantic affection, and I understand. I felt this way too. But we don’t attract romantic love into our lives by focusing on what’s missing. We attract potential partners by radiating love.

Take an inventory of all the people who care. There are likely far more than you realize.

8. Recognize the love you’re not giving.

It’s far easier to pinpoint what we’re not getting than it is to be honest with ourselves about what we’re not giving. Perhaps you want people to check in with your more frequently. Are you checking in with them? Maybe you want people to ask more about your personal life. Are you asking them about theirs?

Give the type of love you want to receive. Give praise. Notice the little things. Offer help without it being asked of you.

I’m not suggesting you should always be the one giving. If it feels like a constant one-way street, then it might be time to reevaluate that relationship. But in most healthy ones, giving more freely creates an environment of consideration and generosity.

And then of course there’s the other side of this coin: Ask for what you need! There’s one relationship in my life that’s often felt unbalanced. Recently I asked this friend if she’d call me sometimes just to talk, as opposed to calling for advice. I asked, and now she does.

9. Look deeply at your needs and intentions.

Sometimes when we go out looking for love, we’re really trying to avoid giving ourselves what we need. There’s pain in our past we don’t want to acknowledge; or there’s an emptiness inside that we don’t want to fill on our own.

If you’re feeling a hole somewhere inside, take a close look at what might have caused it. Be strong enough to acknowledge what you need to do for you, whether it’s having a long overdue conversation with a family member, working on your self-esteem, or finding a sense of purpose in life.

We all deserve to feel loved by the people in our lives, but first need to be willing and able to love ourselves. That’s what it takes to feel deeply connected: to feel deeply connected to ourselves and confident in what we can give.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Decoding When He Touches Your Leg

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Biologically, we are hardwired for communication – our fingertips have a huge number of nerve endings and are one of the most sensitive parts of the human body.

Sense of touch also plays a very important part in our romantic and emotional relationships. Men and women exchange body contact all the time, in many situations. But sometimes, it’s hard for women to differentiate between contact that may have a sexual meaning, and that which doesn’t.

So, what does it mean if a guy is touching you? Here are some answers to this question:

Face

We judge beauty by the symmetry and other facial features. Lips and kissing, on the other hand, are two of the most important aspects of our sexuality.

The importance of the face is obvious, and that’s why we rarely let anyone touch it. A stranger on the subway can touch our hand, but we won’t let him touch our face, and everybody instinctively knows this.

If a man touches you on your cheeks or any other part of your face, it’s a sign he desires to be closer to you, even if he is masking it in a neutral gesture like removing an eyelash. If he wasn’t interested in you, he would probably point it out verbally, and not go ahead and touch you.

Hair

The hair carries a big statement about our personality. It is seen by all and at the same time, it’s a way we send a message to the world. If a guy is touching your hair he is responding to your statement, most likely in a positive way. This doesn’t always involve a romantic motive, but it easily can. If he continues touching you, the probable answer is – yes.

Hands

Hands are the part of your body designed for touching. A lot of social gestures like handshakes or high-fives are common place in many cultures. Mostly, these gestures are devoid of any emotion. Yet, the duration of hand-to-hand touch can say a lot about its meaning.

If a guy holds your hand longer every time you great each other, there might be something there. Be aware of this the next time he touches your hand in any way.

Maybe he is trying to tell you something.

Legs

For the majority of men, women’s legs are a big turn-on. A light touch on your thighs, especially if you’re sitting down and facing the man you’re talking to, is always a way to become more intimate. Sometimes men will act as if they touched you accidentally.

This is probably a way of testing your reaction. Usually, if they conclude you’re into them, the next touch will be a longer, but equally light, caress across the length of your leg.

Back

Touching someone’s back carries a message of support and reassurance. It probably originated in ancient history, when people literally needed someone to “have their back”. But this is true for your upper back, and the area just beneath the shoulder bones.

If his touch gets lower, it carries a more intimate meaning. The area of the lower back is really sensitive and the longer a guy leaves his hand on this part of your body, the more you can be sure he is attracted to you.

Shoulders

In our culture, tapping on the shoulders is seen as a universal gesture of compliment. A boss will pat his subordinate on the shoulder after a successful project, and a sports coach will do the same to his players.

If a man touches you like this, he is either doing the same, or maybe using the opportunity to get close to you. This is even more likely if that guy is normally shy and introverted.

Sides and Hips

A woman’s sides, waist and hips have a strong sexual symbolism. In one sense, they represent the woman’s ability to bear children (remember those caveman figurines that represent women with enormous hips). If a guy is touching you in this area and you’re standing face-to-face, this is a clear indication that he wants to pull you closer.

Don’t be surprised if he tries to kiss after this particular touch, especially if it lasts for more than a second.

As you can see, touching can mean a lot of things in a lot of situations. Have faith in your knowledge about different touches as well as your gut feelings about them.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Don’t Try to Change These Things in Your Partner

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Accept your partner for who he or she is and don’t try to change him or her.

There is no shortage of relationship advice available, and one of the most common phrases is: Accept your partner for who he or she is and don’t try to change him or her. While you may be able to make minor tweaks — like getting your significant other to wear dress pants instead of athletic shorts when you go out to eat — trying to make major changes to your partner is not part of a healthy relationship. Here are 4 things you will never be able to change about your significant other — no matter how hard you try.

1. Personality

It is nearly impossible to get someone to behave exactly the way you’d like. People are who they are, and though some personality traits are due to social conditioning, there is no way to turn your partner into a “perfect” version of how you think he or she should act and be. In fact, the propensity for change diminishes greatly once you turn 30, and we’ve known this for over 100 years. Groundbreaking Harvard University psychologist William James’ text, “The Principles of Psychology,” published in 1890, found that your personality stabilizes in adulthood. Part of the text says, per New York Magazine’s Blog Science of Us: “In most of us, by the age of thirty, the character has set like plaster, and will never soften again.” Additional research has shown that our core personality traits have a strong genetic component attached to them and remain constant throughout out lives.

2. How your partner relates to his or her family

Families, especially your partner’s parents, can be a touchy subject, and if any sort of criticism of them comes into the conversation, it’s like walking into a mine field: an explosion can happen at any time. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., a professor of human development at Cornell University, tells the Huffington Post, “[P]eople’s feelings about their own families are deeply ingrained, and they are not likely to alter significantly after you tie the knot.” He adds that, “[y]ou can come to compromise, but if your spouse and your family don’t get along, pressing for change is not likely to work. Instead, I’d tell you to give your S.O. a free pass to avoid unnecessary get-togethers. Family togetherness is nice, but not at the expense of your relationship with your partner.”

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How an Open Relationship Can Possibly Work

by Lisa Lauretain RELATIONSHIPS

None of this is meant to be a guide for you personally, although take it as such if you find it to be useful.

My current partner and I got into our relationship very soon after we had both ended monogamous relationships. I met him a week to the day after my previous partner had moved out of our apartment, and he was ten months out of a marriage. Needless to say we weren’t interested in striking up anything super serious. However, after a while, we ended up falling pretty hard for each other and realized that we were in fact, accidental or not, a “couple.” This struck a chord of panic in both of us. How were we going to hang on to our freedom if we jump back into being in love? But we have managed to keep that freedom alive and well to this very day. This fact gets a log of questions from a lot of people, mostly: how is a couple a couple if they’re to remain free?

I had been dating many couples and individuals that were parts of couples in my post-breakup escapades, and realized that it just might be a perfect set up for someone like me. Every monogamous relationship I’d been in had ended because of my wanderlust. There were other issues, of course, but the curiosity of what I might be missing was the consistent straw that broke the camel’s back; every camel, every time. So after a bit of discussion, my partner, we’ll call him “Aaron,” and I decided that if we were a couple, we would remain “open.” We would make no promises of commitment, as neither one of us had ever been a fan of such concepts, and we would be free to date whoever, whenever. Now that we’ve been together for over a year, some rules have come into play, but we retain our general freedom. For us, it works, and it works great. But it’s not for everyone. Here are some of the reasons that I think we’ve had success.

  • We are communicative. Like, overly so. I’m not just talking, “how was your day, dear?” I mean we spell things out crystal clear and try to do so before a problem can even arise. He was a counselor for about fifteen years and I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was eight. We know how to talk. We even go so far as letting each other see our threads, be they in Tinder, Kik or texts. If he’s going on a date, I know with whom, what they look like, where they’re going, and anything else I might be curious about. Now this is optional. There are times I don’t want to see what he’s been texting with people, or know what they look like. For some reason this is especially true when he’s going out with a straight girl. I think because if there’s no chance of my involvement, I just lose interest. However the where and when is not optional. This is a safety concern, as everyone should check in with someone who cares about them before they meet with a perfect stranger. Rather than me letting a girlfriend or my mom know, I tell my partner. That way if I disappear, he can at least lead the cops to the person’s Tinder account.
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How to Navigate Office Romance and Retaining Respect

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Office relationships happen, and there’s no getting around that — but who says there aren’t still rules to follow?

A burning question often on the minds of some professionals — outside of when their company will start participating in Taco Tuesdays, or if they’ll get to work at home more — is whether or not to act on their desires to get to know a coworker … a little better. We’ve all seen office romances play out on TV shows and in movies. Sometimes, they work; sometimes, they don’t. Is it really worth it to mix business with pleasure?

That’s a question only you can answer, my dear — though, there’s a pretty good chance HR might have something to say about it. (Yeah, non-fraternization policies can take the steam out of your affair.)

Regardless of what’s kosher with company policy, at the end of the day, you’re gonna do what you think is best.

Office relationships happen, and there’s no getting around that — but who says there aren’t still rules to follow? Here to help those itching to date a coworker are a few relationship experts weighing in on the dos and don’ts of workplace love.

DO:

  • Find out about company policy. Before you give the okay to meet up for drinks, it’s important to learn what your job has to say about dating coworkers. As Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman, psychologist and author of Dating From the Inside Out, notes, your romance may or may not be in violation of company policy. “This may be less of an issue if you are in different departments, or on separate floors,” says Dr. Sherman.
  • Practice discretion. “Avoid public displays of affection,” advises dating strategist Michelle Roberts. No matter how tempted you are to play “grab the booty” between meetings, don’t do it.
  • Determine if your potential love interest can keep quiet. “If he or she is the office gossip, your secret will be out in the open before you have the first cup of morning coffee together,” alerts Philip Petree, author of The Man Puzzle.
  • Make sure you have more in common than just work. Seriously, why waste your time — and possibly risk your job — for someone who just might be a dud? “Many work relationships start because the majority of your time is spent together in the office. Be intentional about getting to know the person outside of your job’s building,” recommends Sherica Matthews, author and relationship coach.
  • Treat your colleague the same as everyone else. “You may have a tendency to favor them in some way and soon others may begin to pick up on the fact that maybe there is something going on with the two of you,” cautions Dr. Gary Brown, a licensed psychotherapist.
  • Share career goals. Who says you two can’t discuss your hopes and dreams? “Make sure your significant other is comfortable with your role at the company — including future goals and desired positions. You don’t want to feel like you have to apologize for your accomplishments, keep your wins to yourself, or let a successful career slowly creep into the bedroom,” points out Sarah Patt, matchmaker for It’s Just Lunch, an online dating service for busy professionals.
  • Be prepared for an awkward breakup. “Nothing is worse than having to see your ex on a regular basis. Seeing someone you dated at work every day can be a huge distraction and make it hard to move on, so be prepared for what can happen,” notes relationship expert Lori Bizzoco.

 

DON’T:

  • Cozy up to people above or below you. Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and dating and relationship coach, strongly warns professionals from pursuing a subordinate or boss as a love interest. And, in many ways, it makes sense. Don’t jeopardize your credibility.
  • Forget to see if your love is single! “While that flirtatious but married coworker may seem very appealing, don’t fall for those classic lines — like, ‘my spouse doesn’t understand me,’ ‘the marriage has been over for years,’ or, ‘we’re staying married for the sake of the children.’ A person who cheats will eventually cheat on you. Save yourself a tremendous amount of heartbreak by steering clear of the married coworker,” notes relationship counselor Nancy Pina.
  • Try to resolve issues at work. Couples argue — that’s a given. But one thing you shouldn’t do is bring that drama into the office, especially if you work together. “Settle it outside work. No one wants to hear it, even it if happens to provide some entertainment. Workplaces are definitely less tolerant of this kind of nonsense,” says Kristy De Leon, licensed marriage and family therapist.
  • Come or leave work in one car. “Everyone notices a single car left in the parking lot,” reminds Christine Baumgartner, dating and relationship coach.
  • Have sex in or around the office. Save that nooky for the bedroom! “It may be exciting and incredibly tempting, but don’t do it. Someone always sees or hears you,” alerts Dr. Matthew Anderson, author of The Resurrection of Romance: How to Create and Sustain a World Class Romantic Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime
  • Company correspondence is not private. “If you must talk to your in-office inamorata, use a cell phone in a private space, where you can’t be overhead,” recommends Tina B. Tessina (aka Dr. Romance), PhD, psychotherapist, and author of Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences.
  • Deny it. Did you ever think what you would do should your company find out about your romance — and it’s a no-no? Dr. Nancy Irwin says fess up. “Admitting your office romance and taking responsibility shows integrity,” notes Dr. Irwin.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Defining Cheating. What Is It to You?

by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

I found myself getting anxious about a certain app that my partner uses, and spent weeks torturing myself.

Before cell phones, cheating was a series of deliberate actions: secretly flirting (in person), arranging times and places to meet (also in person), and then physically ‘doing the deed’ – definitely in person. But now, in the age of smartphones, is there such a thing as “modern monogamy?”

Back in the day, catching your spouse cheating was a dramatic and devastating event, because it all happened IRL. There were physical and emotional risks involved with cheating, which is why it was – and is – a serious heartbreaker.

Cheating used to have a relatively standard definition, for the majority of traditionally monogamous couples. It’s not so simple, nowadays. Now that Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and various texting apps have become so ingrained in our social lives…what is cheating, really? And what do we do if our partner defines it differently than we do?

At its most basic, cheating involves stepping outside the boundaries of your relationship. For many of us, sexual contact with another person is a definite no-no. But what about sending/receiving sexy photos on Snapchat? Or a romantically emotional affair with a close friend, via text messages? If your boyfriend is following a bunch of flirty, bikini-clad girls on Instagram, could that be considered cheating?

It depends. What is okay for one couple may not be okay for another. Relationships are a ‘choose your own adventure’ story – just don’t wait until the line is crossed to tell your partner where it is.

Because you are reading this article, perhaps you’ve been questioning whether you’ve cheated or been cheated on. The past cannot be changed, but taking a few simple steps can save you a lot of worry in the future. There are a million articles about cheating – how to catch it, how to do it, how to avoid it. Before you go into the ‘how-to,’ it’s probably best to establish the ‘what is.’

Problem: You’re uncomfortable and unsure about the boundaries of your relationship.

Solution: Ask your partner what cheating means for them. It’s that simple.

It can be hard to establish boundaries, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Most of us don’t want to come off as too serious, until we have to. But why wait until something goes wrong? It might not be sexy to talk about boundaries, but it can protect you from a lot of seriously un-sexy situations down the road.

If we find ourselves worried about our partner’s fidelity, it’s tempting to stifle our feelings because we don’t want to appear ‘needy’ or ‘paranoid.’ Unfortunately, suppressing our feelings can result in them manifesting down the line – jealousy, resentment, and insecurity will inevitably hurt you more than your partner. Trust goes both ways, but so does fear. You probably know when your partner is upset about something, even when they’re holding it in. Wouldn’t you rather know what’s the matter, before it gets out of hand?

In order to avoid breaking your partner’s trust (or vice versa), it’s important to establish boundaries early on. And it’s not just about your partner – ask yourself, what does cheating mean, for you? Define it for yourself, and then sit down with your loved one and ask them what they think. Remember – it’s a discussion, not an interrogation. Their definition may be different than yours, and the more you talk about it, the easier it will be to meet in the middle.

This conversation is not meant to “trap” them or force them to adopt your point of view. Talking about your worries (and allowing your loved one to voice theirs) is about loving. The goal is to reinforce mutual trust. Using “I” statements and reminding your partner how much you trust them can make all the difference.

Without trust, there is no love. And that can be difficult when there is no communication. Maybe your partner is just as worried as you are. Talking about boundaries can actually be a very freeing experience for both of you.

I recently had this conversation with my partner, and I am so glad I did. I found myself getting anxious about a certain app that my partner uses, and spent weeks torturing myself with negative self-talk and paranoid imaginings. I didn’t want to come off as jealous, so I did nothing. As a result, I caused my partner a lot of undue worry because I was acting so strangely. When I finally sat down with him to talk about the app, I was overwhelmed by how validating it was.

For me, cheating means purposely breaking a partner’s trust. Now that my spouse and I have consciously established what this means for us, I am even more confident that I don’t have to worry about it.

Being honest about your feelings is infinitely safer than acting on assumptions. Your partner most likely has their own set of rules based on their background. It may be completely different than yours, and that doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.

So what is “cheating,” for you? How have cell phones and social media changed the way you view monogamy? Share your thoughts in the comments, below. The more we learn about ourselves, the more we learn about each other.

How to Maintain Your Independence Within a Relationship

by Robin Tranin RELATIONSHIPS

While my partner was living her own life, I was living only for her, and when she’d come home from work, I’d excitedly greet her like a lost puppy.

There’s been a common theme in all my relationships.  Every time I’ve been overly codependent, it has always signified that I’m feeling insecure about how lovable I am.

There’ve been instances when I’d dedicate most of my life figuring out how to make my partner happy, and I’d inevitably lose my own identity in the process.  This isn’t to say that affection is a bad thing or that one shouldn’t strive to make their partner happy; but when somebody else becomes the majority of your life, that’s when problems arise.

Ever since I’ve learned how to be happy on my own, my relationships have flourished.  This doesn’t mean that I’m perfect.  There are still times when I become very insecure and needy, but those situations have decreased significantly over time.

Here are some benefits of having independence within a relationship.

  1. Less Pressure on Your Partner

During a very codependent phase of my life, I realized that my hobbies all somehow involved my partner.  My hobbies were hanging out with her, cooking for her, and trying to make her happy.

This is when I realized a very important lesson in life: nobody wants to be your hobby.

While my partner was living her own life, I was living only for her, and when she’d come home from work, I’d excitedly greet her like a lost puppy.  While acting this way occasionally can be very sweet, doing it every day became overwhelming.

She wanted me to live my own life and encouraged me to reestablish old friendships because she felt way too much pressure being someone else’s whole world. Knowing that you are someone else’s everything is a huge responsibility, because in some ways, you’re making them feel like your moods are completely dependent on them.

By figuring out how to be happy on your own, you take that pressure off of your partner because they don’t have to constantly worry about whether or not you’re happy.

They can continue living their own lives without feeling stressed out about your well-being.

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