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I Survived: A Run-in with my Ex

by Riley Silvermanin RELATIONSHIPS

Despite being someone whose list of romantic partners is probably on the lower than average side of the spectrum, I still do find myself running into the occasional ex.  Moving across the country a few years ago really lowered the chances of bumping into the vast majority of them. And not to brag too much, but for the most part I think my exes and I are happy enough to see each other.   But there’s always that one, isn’t there?

Somehow, despite the fact that my “that one,” I’ll call her Sara, lives around the block from two of my friends, and despite the fact that we’ve often gotten pie and all day breakfast at the greasy spoon that is within sight of her front door, it didn’t happen for almost three years.  And it didn’t even happen near their place or at that diner, but rather an ice cream shop several blocks away.   Which frankly is pretty rude of her — like I know she absolutely didn’t plan to see me any more than I planned to see her but still, ice cream was involved. Let’s not initiate sadness please.  This is a safe place.

I desperately hoped she hadn’t seen me when she walked in, and I diverted my eyes away from her and towards my friend while muttering, “Oh God, my ex is here.” I was unsuccessful in that, as we both made accidental eye contact while she diverted her eyes away from me and towards her friend (date?) that she’d seen me.  This became increasingly clear when she decided to be the bigger person and come towards me.  It technically was in violation of the “please never speak to me again” request I had made of her the last time we’d texted, but I suppose no statute of limitation had been defined. That’s on me; important rule to remember for next time.

I don’t want to dwell too much on the history of our relationship, which admittedly was hardly even worth the “R” word. Not long after we parted ways a friend of mine and I were talking about the film 500 Days of Summer, and how in that movie the only real ‘sin’ that Zooey Deschanel’s character commits is that she continued to stay with someone that she didn’t really have feelings for, despite his seemingly strong feelings for her.  That’s really all Sara did with me.  She just chose the worst time in my life to do that.

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101 Practical Ways To Improve Your Relationship with Ease

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

This list goes in to great depth on ways to make your relationship better! 

How to reconnect, strengthen your relationship, improve communication, intimacy, and more.

All relationships need a little pick-me-up sometimes, even the best ones. To that end, we’ve compiled a list of 101 ways to reconnect with your significant other right this moment. These actions will make your partner feel loved, appreciated and desired and will, in turn, make you feel more connected to him/her. Whether you’d like to increase intimacy, find a thoughtful way to say “I love you,” or just show your honey some gratitude, we’re sure you’ll find something useful in the list below.

And since the world (and our site!) is full of loving, creative souls, we hope you’ll share with us in the comments section below the special ways you share love and strengthen your bond with your significant other. Read the whole list, or skip to your favorite category from the list below.

CREATE INTIMACY

1. Lie down on the bed … and spend two minutes looking into each other’s eyes without saying anything. (Blinking is OK.)

2. Next time you’re in bed pull the covers over your head and have a whispered conversation. If you whisper first he’ll probably whisper back—it’s incredibly intimate.

3. Listen to each other. Think you already do that? Try active listening. Ask your partner to talk about something and after each sentence (or paragraph) repeat what you heard. Start with, “I heard…” You don’t have to repeat back the words verbatim, just say what you think she said. If you misinterpret or leave out anything, your partner will correct you. Take turns doing this. It’s great for intense discussions, arguments, or just a weekly ritual to improve communication.

Couple Listening To The Music From A Smart Phone

4. Pray together. If you’re comfortable talking about it, discuss what you pray about.

5. Do the wonder intimacy exercise. (From The Marriage First Aid Kit.) Free associate and list sentences starting with “I wonder” on a piece of paper. (I wonder if I’ll ever learn to cook. I wonder if I’ll ever cook for you. I wonder if I could love you more than I do.) Take turns reading your wonders to your partner, without judging, commenting or analyzing. This may feel silly at first, but just try it and see what happens.

6. Do the nostalgic memory exercise. (From The Marriage First Aid Kit.) Pick a shared memory from “the honeymoon period” of your relationship. Discuss the memory and take turns talking about a) sensory memories (sights, sounds, smells) b) what you were thinking and c) what you were feeling.

7. Set time aside every day for mutual silence.

8. Give each other pet names. Sure, you can call each other baby, boo, or schmoopy but coming up with a nickname only you two get is cute and provides a little laugh. Studies have shown that nicknames are a sign of a strong relationship. Others might not think “Bomboushay Yaya” is endearing but if it means something to you then that’s all that matters.

SPEAK

9. Say something positive — anything at all. Researchers have found that happy couples have a ratio of five positive comments to each negative comment.

10. Think of one quirky thing she does that you love and tell her about it.

11. Ask him what he was like when he was a little kid.

12. Tell him he looks sexy in that shirt (pants, shorts, insert the appropriate item of clothing).

13. Compliment something that he’s improved upon.

14. Tell him he makes you a better person. And then tell him how.
Couple having picnic on beach

15. If you’re feeling anxious about something, ask your partner to be your stress absorber. Ask him to listen as you explain what you’re worrying about. The catch is that he doesn’t have to say anything — no reassurances or offers of assistance. He just has to pay attention to what you’re saying and offer you a hug or hold your hand. As you’re talking, imagine your stress dissipating as the words leave your mouth.

16. The next time she does something that makes you angry … before you say something about it stop and ask yourself, “What am I really mad about?” Little things can often be masks for deeper issues. If you decide it’s a larger issue, hold your tongue and bring it up when you’re not mad.

17. Accept her apology. If you’ve been fighting and she makes an attempt to reconcile, don’t rebuff her.

18. If she holds a notable position in her field … (or even if not) remind her of how awesome she is at her job and how it intensifies your amazement of her.

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10 Ways to Make Your Relationship Last

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Keeping falling in love with your significant other!

Love that lasts is the result of partners embedding themselves in each other’s brains in a positive way. Memory circuits and pleasure get all wound up together so that the other person becomes integral to the very structure of your brain, and you become part of the structure of his.

Here are some steps toward making your love last:

1. Take your partner’s breath away. Do something amazingly thoughtful and out of the ordinary and try to incorporate an element of surprise to it: a loving note tucked into a pocket. A special dinner on an otherwise ordinary night. A playlist made up with his favorite songs. These thoughtful acts will embed you in his memory.

2. Do something special on a regular basis. Call him every day just to touch base for a few minutes. Make his favorite meal once a week. Once he begins to expect these things, you will always be close to his awareness.

Sensual Passionate Couple

3. Engage in lots of eye gazing. New couples seem to do this naturally, but don’t drop this strong bonding behavior just because the relationship has progressed. This is one way to keep the romance alive and is especially powerful when making love.

4. Learn what pleases your partner sexually. Make it clear that his pleasure is your pleasure, and you want to discover everything about what turns him on. He’ll be happy to have you experiment with him.

5. Teach your partner what you like. Likewise, making you happy will make him feel good. And research shows that the sexual pleasure of one partner increases the pleasure of the other partner.

6. Boost lasting love with sexual novelty. When things get humdrum and routine, there is not going to be as much of a hormonal/neurotransmitter reaction, and arousal is lessened. While you don’t have to break out the whips and chains, a little novelty can increase anticipation, which means that more hormones are secreted. The result? Hotter, more thrilling sex for both of you.

7. Do something edgy. If you get your partner’s heart rate up, he may associate the feeling of excitement with you and he may develop more powerful feelings for you. Going on a roller-coaster ride, taking a balloon trip, shooting the rapids—anything with a touch of danger to it—can make him fall more deeply in love with you.

Couple cooking while having a glass of wine in their kitchen

8. Do something great for someone your partner loves. If you show kindness and love for someone he loves, you will earn major points. When you enter a relationship, you also enter a relationship with all his family and friends. Show him that the people who are important to him are important to you.

9. Summarize and immortalize loving moments. Don’t be afraid to give voice to your love. Tell him how you feel. Write a loving note or poem. Lovers have been doing this from the beginning of time because it works.

10. Boost the chemicals of love. There are many brain chemicals that go into the feeling of love and attachment. Oxytocin is known as the bonding, trust, and cuddle hormone. Oxytocin is enhanced by watching romantic movies together, holding hands, cuddling, and long, loving eye contact. Women usually have more oxytocin than men, but according to one study, a man’s level of oxytocin goes up 500 percent after making love. Being too busy to make love pushes couples apart.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Argue–From a Debate Professor

by Lexi Notabartoloin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Couples argue. When two people share a life (and thus a lot of time) together, it’s unavoidable. Whereas you might feel totally comfortable telling a coworker or friend where to stick their unsolicited opinions, the stakes feel higher with a partner. You care about them. You want them to be happy. But sometimes… you just want them to see that you’re right and they’re wrong and to stop being so difficult. I hear you.

Arguing can be a good thing for a relationship if you do it right. Now, I’m not a psychologist, relationship expert, or professional mediator. What I am is a former internationally competitive debater and teacher of debate. Since this is a safe space and we’re all close, personal friends I’ll be honest: I love to argue. I love the pace and exchange and demand that I think on my feet. My partner — a truly wonderful and patient human — does not find this to be my best quality. I’m here to tell you that there are approaches to contentious moments in a relationship that ensure your voice is heard and can even strengthen your connection.

“The Pregame”

Many arguments are rooted not in the topic being argued, but the perception of what the argument says about one of the involved parties. The best way to mitigate this kind of dynamic is to make a habit of being supportive and constructive in common conversation with your partner. When they say something insightful, tell them you find it interesting. When you glean new information from a discussion, let them know you learned something. The goal isn’t a flattery-off, so don’t force these moments. Saying the little things you think in your brain as you talk with someone you care about can have a big impact when emotions run high. Even a simple “Huh. I hadn’t thought about that. Super interesting” can go a long way when you need it later on.

“The Mind Buck”

When it comes to a loved one, there is no such thing as “stuck” in a conversation. Weird Gene cornering you at the office at the holiday party is “stuck.” Changing the way you think about a situation has powerful implications for how your brain will allow you to process information. Often times we can feel an argument coming on, based on past experience. This generates stress, which does some pretty interesting stuff to brain chemistry and function. Most notably, stress can decrease activity in the parts of the brain that allow for higher level reasoning. If you feel like your critical thinking skills get worse as you get steamed, you might be right.

In this instance, you need to give your brain something else to focus on. Some people try a basic counting exercise, where counting backwards from twenty of fifty, (if you go from zero to Michael Bay in no time flat) de-escalates a situation. I found that a mantra, practiced in calm times but invoked prior to big debate rounds worked well for me. When it comes to fights with my partner, I’ve got a few choice mantras that relate to our connection that I cycle through. “My eyes sparkle when you laugh at my jokes,” reminds me of one of the best small shared moments we have. “You bring me coffee and smell my hair every morning,” is a more practically-focused meditation, and keeps our familial rituals at the forefront. “No matter what you say right now, you’ll still fart in the bed,” pulls double duty as a very true thing that makes me laugh but also something that keeps the situation in perspective. You might really want to, but don’t let your brain freak out or shut down.

“Listen, Breathe, Repeat”

The hardest but most effective rhetorical tool I’ve encountered. Even if the information being presented to you is incredibly objectionable, let the speaker run their course. Then, prior to your response, breathe deeply. Like, I’m talking diaphragm expanding, theatre warm up levels of deep breathing. Then, repeat what you’ve heard as best you can recall it. This does three things:

  • Let’s the other person feel heard;
  • Regulates your heartbeat, avoiding that “rage tremble” feeling we’ve all experienced;
  • Gives your mouth a second to catch up to your brain.

The kinds of people I used to debate against were not ones for brevity, so you’ll have to develop your own ways of remembering points you want to hit while they run out their words. I would pop a knuckle when I heard something I wanted to respond to, which was probably not great for my joints but effective in connecting a sensation to a statement I’d hear. I’d then try to pop the same knuckle and magically find that I was able to recall whatever point to which I’d wanted to respond.

“The Trump Card”

The bottom line is that for most people, anything is preferable to arguing. If your goal is to navigate the shortest distance between contention and drinking an IPA on the couch and laughing about your dumb tiff, nothing beats honesty. “I love you and want to enjoy our time together” tends to throw folks for a loop. That’s okay. So long as you stay levelheaded (see “The Mind Buck”) the relationship world is your oyster.

True Intimacy is Greater Than Sex

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Whenever we speak of intimacy, the first thing that comes into people’s minds is sex. True intimacy relies on knowledge — on knowing people just as well, if not better, than they know themselves.

Here are a few things you’ll want to try:

1. Tell her she’s beautiful.

There is no shortage of men who are willing to compliment women on a daily basis. The difference between them and you, however, is that when you tell the woman you love that she’s beautiful, it isn’t with ulterior motives.

2. Write her a love letter.

Give her a physical thing that she can go back and reference whenever she misses you or feels uncertain of your love, and she’ll feel much more secure — and happier.

3. Take a vacation together.

One of the best ways to become more intimate with your lover, to get to know and understand her more deeply, is to take a long trip together. Not just a weekend — two weeks minimum.

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The Push and Pull of Building Intimacy in a Relationship

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Building intimacy after past hurt is easier with these tips!

As a therapist, I often hear couples complain that whenever one partner tries to get close, the other pulls away. It’s a painful reality that love isn’t always as easy to give and receive as we’d like to think. Many people have developed defenses that make them intolerant of too much love, attention or affection. Our personal limitations and insecurities are regularly acted out in our closest relationships. Very often, our current reactions (especially our overreactions) are based on negative programming from our past. In the blog “Why You Keep Winding Up in the Same Relationship,” I discussed how and why we form defenses that make it difficult to get close. In this blog, I want to offer a few ways to work on overcoming a fear of intimacy that may exist in our partners and even in ourselves:

Don’t build a case

Although relationships can feel like a tug of war with one of us struggling to pull closer while the other resists, engaging in the blame game is never the solution. Too often, we build a case against the people we are involved with. We use their flaws against them, cataloging their shortcomings in our minds until admiration slowly erodes into cynicism. When this transformation occurs, we become highly attuned to our partners’ less desirable traits. We start to filter and distort our view of them, so that they fit into the case we’ve built against them. We fail to see our partners as they really are, with strengths and with weaknesses. When we don’t see all aspects of a person, we become bent out of shape ourselves. We may act out or behave in ways of which we don’t approve. Conversely, when we interrupt this tendency to build a case, we can focus on ourselves and act in ways that truly represent who we are and how we feel. Staying vulnerable, open and compassionate toward our partner can make them feel safe and allow them to take a chance on being close. Being our best is the surest way to bring out the best in our partners.

Look at ourselves

If we notice our partners pulling away at certain points, it’s helpful to explore ways we might be contributing to the problem or even provoking it. Be open to the reality that we help create the situations we’re in. A good exercise is to look at what our partner does that we dislike the most, then think about what we do right before that. If a partner is unwilling to open up, do we do anything that might contribute to them shutting down? Do we nag? Get distracted? Do we talk down to them by trying to fix their problems or telling them what to do? Do we complain to them? Do we ever draw them out or just let them vent? We can take a powerful position in making our relationship closer by changing our own behavior. As psychologist and author, Dr. Pat Love says, “Feel your feelings, then do the right thing.”

Identify patterns

When people feel close, they react. Sometimes these reactions are positive, and sometimes they are negative. The reasons for this are complex and have a lot to do with how we’ve learned to see ourselves and the world around us throughout our lives. We may respond perversely to positive treatment, because it conflicts with negative ways we’re used to being seen or related to. Wherever these challenges come from, we can start to overcome them by identifying destructive patterns and dynamics in our relationships. For example, when our partner pulls back, how do we respond? Perhaps this action creates a certain amount of desperation within us, which in turn might leave us acting more needy or dependent toward them. Our distressed behaviors may make our partner more critical, perceiving us as weak or clingy, and they may then pull back further. Alternately, a partner’s withholding may leave us angry or hardened against him or her. We may withdraw in response and become colder in our actions. Naturally, this too will leave us estranged and emotionally distant from each other.

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Catching the Love Bug

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Falling in love can be a magical feeling. Did you know there are lots of natural side effects and exciting uncontrollable changes that happen?

We sing about it, write about it and watch movies about it, but when you think about it, falling in love is crazy and maybe even weird.

It makes us feel and do things we usually wouldn’t under any other circumstances.

First of all, it physically affects our hormones and brain. In fact, scientists have shown that love affects the brain in a way similar to cocaine addiction. Not only that, it also affects us psychologically and behaviorally.

Here are 10 crazy, weird symptoms you may experience when falling in love:

1. Your hormones go wild.

When you fall in love, your cheeks flush, your heart beats faster, your palms are sweaty and your head starts spinning. This is all thanks to a rush of chemicals and hormones that flood your brain and body when you fall in love.

This leaves you with feelings of euphoria similar to an endorphin-induced “runner’s high.”

There’s nothing you can do about this; love physically makes you crazy.

2. You wake up and go to sleep thinking of someone other than yourself.

From the moment you wake up in the morning to the moment you go to sleep at night, the person you love occupies at least some part of your mind. How does your brain even know to think of that person first thing in the morning? Doesn’t it have other more important things to worry about?

The truth is this phenomenon is usually subconscious and automatic, almost like your mind is programmed to do so. Even throughout the day, that person stays staunchly in the back of your mind.

As crazy as it may be, it is nice to think of someone beside you every once in a while.

3. You smile when you’re alone.

We’ve all seen them: the smile texters. Smile texting is the perfect example of what happens when you’re falling in love. You experience weird, giddy feelings of happiness, even when you’re not physically with that special person.

You might smile when he or she texts you, when you hear a certain song, see a picture on Facebook or when you just think of that person.

In general, little things like that will make you smile more than usual because you are just so blissfully in love (and because of all those happy hormones flowing through your bloodstream).

People may look at you funny and wonder why you’re so happy, but you don’t even mind.

4. You become a little obsessive.

I wonder what she’s doing right now. I wonder if she’s watching the game. She loves football, which is cool for a girl. But I forget what her favorite team is … I need to ask again. Or maybe I should ask now. I’ll mention it if she texts me later.

Oh look, a bag of chips. She loves chips. But only the BBQ kind.

People in love, love to think about each other. They somehow manage to relate even the smallest things to the person they love. If your life is the universe, then chances are, your love is the sun, and everything revolves around that.

5. You do embarrassing things.

Ever heard those sappy stories of boys in the olden days throwing rocks at a girl’s window, and playing her songs on their guitar? That was then, but today, there are videos all over YouTube of men proposing to their fiancés with elaborate flash mobs that take place in front of hundreds of people.

Love will make you do embarrassing things because when you’re falling in love with someone, you will do almost anything to make him or her happy, no matter what other people may think.

6. You do things outside of your comfort zone.

Along the same lines, falling in love will make you do things you never even considered doing before. Boys, that may mean taking a yoga class or going to get a pedicure with your girlfriend (they feel really good, it’s okay to admit it).

Girls, that may mean watching “SportsCenter” for two hours or playing a couple games of FIFA. Of course, doing these things can open your mind to new activities you might enjoy. Doing them with the one you love is a great bonding experience, too.

7. You suddenly care more about your appearance.

Before, you may have rolled out of bed and thrown on some athletic shorts and a t-shirt, but you now have a reason to try to look good.

You might comb your hair more often, double check to make sure you didn’t forget deodorant, shave more meticulously and go to the gym, instead of falling asleep on your couch after work.

8. You sing.

When you’re falling in love, you feel so happy and carefree, you can’t always keep it inside. Whether you sound like William Hung or Ariana Grande, sometimes, you just have to sing at the top of your lungs to let it all out.

9. You go out of your way.

You may find yourself driving out of the way to pick up your love’s favorite dinner, or calling in sick to work just to hang out with him or her.

The crazy part is that even though these things may inconvenience you, you’re happy and excited to do them. You actually take joy in making that extra effort to please your SO and show him or her how much you care.

10. You go blind.

As the old adage goes, love is blind. When you’re falling in love, everything your love does and says is interesting and amazing. Every word uttered from his or her mouth, and every move he or she makes, is magical.

Love blinds you to faults and screw ups, and even when you do notice them, you’re quick to forgive because your love can do no wrong. As it turns out, Ke$ha might be right about this one: Love is a drug.

It makes us crazy, but it also makes us happy. Love is exciting; it’s addicting, it’s confusing and it’s weird.

So, cheers to love: both our worst nightmare and our best friend.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Men Speak Out: The Secret to Keeping Him Committed

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Are you willing to let your Man take the Lead? How adventurous are you in Love to step out of your comfort zone and try out a suggestion from your partner? 

 

Should we help him feel like a “conqueror”? Allowing men to take the lead sometimes helps men stay committed to the relationship. From  Death of the Cheating Man: What Every Woman Must Know about Men Who Stray.

Helping a man feel like a conqueror will help him want to stay committed. It may sound odd to women, but it can be easier than you may think.

Why do men love a “ride-or-die woman”? “She doesn’t get in the way,” one of my buddies told me about his wife. It’s true; she allows him to do the things that cause him to feel like a conqueror and that helps him to feel like she’s going to ride with him no matter what. When a man feels that he has this type of woman, he will go the extra mile to stay committed because he sees her as an asset to his life. And ladies, keep in mind that just because you are in a relationship, doesn’t mean that you’re an asset…many women become liabilities.

Men love to feel like a woman will do something out of her comfort zone for us. In other words, she’ll ride, no matter what. It’s all about the little things that help us keep our heads in the commitment.

For instance, a man wants to take on a task that you see is menial. If a woman makes him fight or justify it, then she may cause him to flee. Allowing him to do it without hassle, and trusting that he is a faithful man who simply needs to conquer something, will make all the difference in the world.

I’m not suggesting that women should give men whatever they want all the time, but it’s important for women to know that a man doesn’t always want what he’s asking for; he wants to know that his woman will ride with him if he asks. That makes him feel like a conqueror and that he has a ride-or-die type of woman.

It’s really that simple…the small things make a man feel like a king!

Little do most women know that a small task like pushing the elevator button can be important to a man. We have all been in the elevator when a little boy gets in and wants to push the elevator button and his mom lets him do it. What seems like such a menial thing to a woman can be a task of conquering for a man.

I used to have a girlfriend that battled me on simple issues like where we parked when we went somewhere. No matter where I wanted to park, she’d argue that we should park somewhere else. To her she had just as much right to pick the parking place as I did.

While she was in the right to voice her opinion about the parking decision, battling me over an issue where I needed to feel like a conqueror only served to cause me to try harder to conquer. So we’d argue back and forth and I’d park where I wanted to just to conquer, or I’d reluctantly give in and flee. For a while I pleaded my case to her and tried to get her to understand that little things were important to me as a man. But she decided that it was more important to her that we were equal in all decisions and in the long run, our relationship was lost in her conquest.

However, my next girlfriend saw that this was important to me, so instead, she placed her concerns on making sure that we were always on time and as long as we were safe, she allowed me to choose the parking without hassle. Again, it may sound like no big deal to a woman, but making that small decision helped me to feel like I had conquered, and in return, I made sure I accommodated her desire to always be on time.

Those little nuances serve to remind a man how valuable a woman is in the moments where he may tire of commitment.

On a larger scale, the thing that most faithful men complain about is that they can’t get sex when they want it in a committed relationship. When a man is single or cheating, he can have sex at random or whenever he wants it. But when he’s in a committed relationship, his sexual fulfillment is based 100 percent on the clock of his woman.

As I said earlier what many women may not see is that for a faithful man, being committed to a relationship gives us a sense of entitlement to sex. If we can’t have it at our leisure, we feel rejected and no conqueror thinks he should ever be rejected. If it persists, we won’t cheat, but it can cause us to pull away from the commitment.

Ladies, I understand that men always want sex and that can be inconvenient for a woman. Some women complain that they love having sex with their man, but they can’t keep up with giving it the way a man needs it—all the time.

When a woman shows frustration, she can cause a man to feel that he isn’t welcome to have what he believes is his. Because he can’t take the cave man approach and drag her into his cave, he may retreat in frustration. This causes a lot of men to pull away over time and want to get out of the commitment where he is faced with such restriction.

Instead of completely turning him away, another approach is for a woman to negotiate without him knowing. Let him know that if he’s willing to wait until the more convenient time, he can have it the way he likes it. This helps him feel like he can have it if he wants, but that she will fulfill his larger desire if he nurtures her needs as well.

As women find themselves at these little crossroads every day in relationships with faithful men, they can keep us engaged in commitment by allowing us the small things that make us feel like conquerors. Remember, just because a guy doesn’t cheat, doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have all the desires of a conquering man.

If you help your man feel like a conqueror, then he’ll be less likely to stray and look for other places or things to conquer. So don’t underestimate the power of the small things. Remember that if it seems small to you, it’s probably big to him.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Can a Relationship Be Recycled?

by Susanna Leein RELATIONSHIPS

When it comes to bottles, cans, and men, I like to recycle.  I’ve believed that most of my relationships are like the 6-Million Dollar Man, they can be rebuilt, made stronger.  After a breakup, I usually leave the door open a crack, allowing for second, third, and a thirty-seventh chance at happiness with the same person.  I don’t think it’s a bad idea, though it doesn’t always end up being a good one.  But since I’m a pretty complicated combination of picky and eccentric, I like to really exhaust the possibilities with one person before I begin the arduous task of breaking in someone new.  Just like with a new therapist, the process of explaining myself, making someone understand what makes me tick, is long and hard, so I like to do it as infrequently as possible.  Now, I don’t believe that all relationships should be reconciled, abusive ones should be left as a smoking pile of ashes, but if you truly feel like your life is better with that special person in it romantically, there’s nothing wrong with exploring the possibility of a reunion. However, there’s a few things to do before jumping right back in, that help to set you up for as much success as possible (which varies situationally, of course.)

  1. Take an honest self-assessment.

    Ask yourself why you want to get back together.  Do you genuinely love and miss being coupled with this person, or are you just trying to avoid the painful process of grieving and healing?  Do you want to journey towards happiness together, or do you just not want the other person to move on before you have?  Think long and hard about whether you want this specific person, or just someone, anyone, to end the loneliness.  There’s no sense in getting back together just to be miserable.  A bad relationship will not cure loneliness, it usually just makes it worse.  No one likes being the single rider in line at the amusement park, but it’s easier to enjoy the ride alone than it is when you’re shoved in the roller coaster car next to some jerk who’s all elbows and armpits.  And think hard about whether or not the intimacy is even what you want with your estranged beloved.  The nature of a relationship is always open to evolution.  Do you need them in your bed, or would you be happy with them on the opposite side of your couch?   Imagine the person in a number of different roles, as a platonic friend, casual sex partner, dog walker, writing partner, or distant memory.  The great part about being independent is that no one else gets to dictate what makes you feel good, and it’s okay to be content with whatever you come up with that feels right.

  2. Talk it out.

    A relationship involves more than just you, so determining if it can be rebuilt isn’t exclusively your call.  Talk about everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, and do so with an open heart and mind.  You may not hear what you want to hear, but it’s important to be open to receiving the truth.  Discuss why it ended, and if those reasons are ones that can be worked through together, or ones that will recur and explode again.  Hash out what each of your ideal situations are, and if they’re ones that can actually mesh together.

  3. Build it together.

    Rebuilding a healthy relationship requires effort from both parties. When only one person works at it, it sets up an unfair power dynamic, putting the person who exerts no effort in the position of queen/king, and the other as a servant.  No one is exempt, and regardless of the reasons for the breakup, there’s work for everyone to do, even if it’s just finding forgiveness (which is actually the hardest thing for most people to do).  Be accountable for your part in it all, don’t refute the other person’s feelings, and be aware of whether or not they are extending you the same courtesy and kindness.  A strong relationship is born from a foundation of respect and trust, not denial and blame-shaming.

  4. This is new, go slow.

    Treat this as a new relationship, because that’s what it is.  Even if it feels like just a new chapter in the same book, it isn’t.  Breakups are periods of grieving, and grief changes us.  You are not the same person you were when you first got together with your partner.

  5. Take care of YOU. Pay close attention to how you feel at all times.

    Keep the communication open, and don’t be afraid to change your mind, if you realize that it actually isn’t what you want.  You truly are the only person you’re bound to for your entire life, so give yourself and your emotional health and security first priority.  For a machine to run most effectively, all parts must be in good working order.  You are responsible for keeping up with how the YOU component is functioning, so do what you need to do in order to keep your gears greased and turning.

Giving a relationship another chance is a beautiful and difficult feat, but so is self-preservation.  Above any other tips anyone could give is this: never let the former compromise the latter.

 

 

Capture his Heart and Go Deeper in Love

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Are you longing to go deeper in your dating relationship but not sure how to connect and take your relationship to the next level? Eric Charles gives a man’s point of view on what your beau is looking for. 

What does it take to get a man to truly commit and want only you? It’s a question I’ve been asked more times than I could ever quantify.

What men desire most is a woman who inspires them to be their best self. Being that woman is a much different mindset than what most women typically do these days.

So what’s the major error that trips women up? It’s their focus. Instead of focusing on the feelings and experience they create for the man, the woman fixates on her own wants, her own worries, her own fears. And amidst this completely self-absorbed mindset consumed by what she wants, it’s no wonder that she’s unable to hook a man’s interest in a significant way, one that goes beyond just hooking up.

Sure, that woman might cook him dinners, perform in bed, and tell him how much she likes him, but none of that stuff penetrates a man’s psychology on a deep and meaningful level. Forget about just getting commitment. When you really understand and master the art of tapping into the deep parts of a man’s psyche, he will want to move mountains to possess you.

Men don’t start out there when they first meet a woman, though. She needs to reach him at that level by recognizing his ambitions, his fears, his motivations, his “mission” in life and where he ultimately wants to “win.”

Here are four ways to reach a man deeply and make him want to commit and devote himself fully to you.

1. Understand: Choice is Everything

I have a confession to make, when I was revising this article to get it ready for publishing, it was three ways to make him commit… not 4.

The original article came off cold, harsh, and even depressing because I had left out the most important element of all.  So in this revised version, I made sure to convey the most important piece of the puzzle right at the beginning.

Who you choose is by far the most important factor in all relationships.  So one of the most important ways to make a guy commit is to get really good at understanding the reality of relationships, love, and your specific guy.

In my personal life, I meet all sorts of people.  Some people are easy and fun to be around… I can spend hours with them, talking about things, laughing about things, and just genuinely enjoying their company.  Being around them doesn’t require effort and I don’t want anything from them.  I would have just as much fun driving in the car with them and chatting as I would doing something “exciting.”

On the other hand, there are people who I meet that immediately make me feel uncomfortable and defensive.  I feel like I have to constantly be  on my toes, choose my words carefully, and being around them is far from pleasurable.

Between those two extremes, there are all sorts of people who fall somewhere in the middle.

As a writer who talks about dating and relationships, what has always amazed me when it comes to relationships is how people completely disregard compatibility.  They describe what it’s like to be with their guy and it almost sounds like they’re talking about their arch-enemy… there is no comfort, no trust, no compatibility.

Sometimes the relationship started out well and then over time disintegrated into something that resembles resentment and abuse rather than love or respect.  Sometimes the relationship was never good to begin with, but the woman wants me to show her “relationship magic” to “make it work.”  This is what I equate to trying to shove a square peg through a round hole.

Personally, I needed to date around and experience several relationships before I had a good understanding of what I really wanted, valued, and resonated with in a relationship.  In my late teens and early twenties, for example, I knew that I wanted a girl that had a hot, fit body and a beautiful face.

Now, in my thirties, I realize how much I value having a woman who really “gets” me… a woman that I can talk to for hours every day and never feel bored… a woman who I can laugh with for hours and hours on end… a woman that I know how to be there for and who knows how to be there for me.

It took me a while to figure that out. When I realized it, I mentally revisited my past relationships and realized something very important that I want to pass along to you…

When I think of relationships that didn’t work out for me in the past (ones where I wanted things to work out and I got dumped), I realize that the woman I was with at the time was never going to be that woman with me.  Even if she wanted it to work.

I can clearly see now, years later after all the emotion and attachment is completely gone, we never would have reached that level of intimacy that is ultimately valuable to me in a relationship.

I couldn’t see past my attachment to those relationships, though, or past my blind desire to make things work because I didn’t want to fail, I didn’t want to be rejected, and I didn’t want to lose someone.

All those emotions have nothing to do with love or compatibility.  They’re just fear, ego, and a false sense of identifying with relationship success.

Real relationship success is not about making a relationship with someone work when, at your core, you and him are ultimately incompatible.  It can be hard to see if you’re blinded by fears of loss, self-doubt and relationship fantasies that you want to come true…

The thing to realize is that people with great relationships don’t have the great relationships because they know great relationship secrets or psychological loopholes of the male mind.  Fundamentally, people in the best relationships all have one thing in common: they don’t have relationships with people who are not a good match for them.  They don’t let them into their life.

And what’s the easiest way to know if they’re a good match or not?  Plain and simple – how do you feel about yourself when you’re with that person? Do you feel better about yourself?  About life? About the things that upset you?

Or… do you feel insecure?  Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells?  Do you feel like you’re suffocating… holding your breath in anticipation of a relationship that you desperately want to come into existence but always seems just out of reach?  Helpless, powerless, and afraid they’ll do something to hurt you?

How you feel with the person you’re with is the best indication of whether you’re with someone who’s compatible or not. How much you want it to work is the worst indicator of a good relationship (in fact, usually the people who tell me how desperately they want something to work are highlighting how incompatible they really are from their partner)

2. Attraction:

The guy you’re into has to be sexually attracted to you. This is not a radical claim, it’s just fact. If he doesn’t feel a sense of biological, physical attraction to you, then nothing else I say will matter. His physical attraction isn’t the end-all be-all of his desire to be with you, but it is a required foundation.

That’s the bad news… if you want to call it that. The good news is that some of the most powerful seductresses the world has ever known were not the most beautiful.

My advice is to strive to be as attractive as you possibly can, and fortunately, this is largely in your control. And for the things you can’t control…. own it.

Too many women kill their attractiveness by walking around with insecurities and no self-esteem because they feel that something about their appearance is flawed and they’ll never be good enough to attract the man they really want.

Whatever your supposed fault is, I can guarantee that your self-doubt is far more unattractive. Nobody is perfect and no man demands or expects perfection. But those who own their imperfections are massively more attractive than those who do not or cannot.

There is definitely something attractive about a woman who owns her imperfections and is totally OK with them. Conversely, being insecure is a massive energy drain to you and the people around you. Insecurity stinks of desperation and desperation kills attraction.

So change what you can to be sexier and more physically alluring and appealing. Spend more time at the gym, eat healthier, learn how to apply makeup to enhance your best features, train your voice to be pleasant and seductive (tape recording yourself works wonders), master attractive body language and facial expressions, dress to flatter your figure, you get the point.  And that which you can’t change… own it.

3. Reach Him Deeply


What makes you irreplaceable in the eyes of your man? Your ability to reach deep into the depths of who he is and inspire him. To put it more bluntly, you must offer something that is much more rare and valuable than sex if you want him to treat you as something important in his life. I mean… duh, right?  And yet this obvious truth gets distorted and overlooked.

Ask yourself: what are you bringing to the table besides a physical hookup that he values deeply?

Sex is readily available. Having it isn’t enough to make a relationship and withholding it isn’t enough to cast some kind of “love spell” on a guy (maybe it worked 100 years ago, but withholding sex till X date is just plain obsolete now….he’ll just go somewhere else).

Men have a deep unconscious fear that their life, their contribution to the world and their existence is pointless, meaningless, and insignificant. At the same time, every man has hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

And here’s the major lesson: In order for a man to feel truly alive and truly fulfilled, he needs to be pursuing his deepest aspiration and his “mission” in life.  Your ultimate gift as a woman is to inspire him to do that, to realize his ultimate potential as a man.

4. Put Energy Into the Right Places

Creating the foundation for a strong, healthy relationship comes down tot putting energy into the right places. Worrying and stressing is not putting energy into the right places.

If you’re still stuck in feeling needy and out of control, you’re not going to see the necessity of bringing that value to the relationship because you’ll still be fixated on your own worries, your fears, your insecurities. And with that fixation, you won’t be able to put energy into the relationship, you’ll have wasted all your energy needlessly worrying about stuff.

I understand that after you’ve been continually hurt and disappointed by men using you, you may have formed some insecurities and frustration around relationships. But in the end, those emotions do nobody a favor – they repel men, they waste your energy, and they make everyone miserable.

The only way to get out of that cycle and move towards building a firm foundation that leads to a good relationship is to find your own self-love and fulfillment independent of a relationship.

Remember: a relationship will never fill an emotional void, complete you, or “make you” happy. You have to show up to a relationship “whole” and happy already. If you show up “broken,” the guy will either leave or you’ll attract the type of guy who will take advantage of you… then leave.

The energy you put into the relationship is the only thing that matters. Putting energy doesn’t come from a self-absorbed place, it isn’t attached to feelings of anxiety, fear, worry, anger, rage, resentment. You are outside of yourself and putting energy into giving him that “extra something” that makes you valuable, rare, and inspirational to the guy.

I don’t care if you like it.  I don’t care if you think it’s fair or unfair. It is a simple truth that people value those who bring a unique, special, meaningful value to the table.   If you honestly think that you can have a man want to choose you and only you forever without bringing something deeply valuable to him… then you’re either choosing very low quality men or you just haven’t thought through reality yet.

Sex is not enough. And loving him the way you want to be loved is not enough either. When it comes to him choosing you, you have to love him in the way that’s deeply meaningful to him. Your energy would be better spent figuring out what this is rather than worrying about him leaving you.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

“Normal” Sex for a Long-Distance Couple

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex, SEX TIPS

How much sex is considered ‘normal’ for a long-distance couple?

First off, “normal” is highly overrated. Let your freak flag fly, as I always say. But if you’re trying to figure out whether your sex life in a long-distance relationship is normal, there are a few signs things are easy breezy — and a few things you can add to your repertoire to ensure a healthy and thriving long-distance relationship. “Long-distance relationships put intimacy to the test,” says relationship psychotherapist Rachel Moheban-Wachtel. “Although the physical connection isn’t as prevalent, there are things couples can do to keep the spice alive in their relationship across the miles.”

Some of it is pretty practical: Be sure to have frequent “date nights,” travel to see each other regularly, and keep your sext game on fleek. But she also includes some other concepts — things like trusting your partner and sharing fantasies with each them — that are incredibly important in any relationship, and vital to keep an LDR going strong. It’s never, ever a good idea to compare your relationship with anyone else’s, but if you’re pining for your love from afar and are feeling a little panicky about how your situation holds up, here are a few things that should be present in every healthy sex life of couples who live in very different zip codes.

1. Date Nights

Sure, everyone knows how to Skype, but do you schedule regular date nights with your partner that are a bit more involved than just a “hey, wassup” via video chat? If so, props. If not, perhaps you should consider it. “Technology today makes it easier to have the same type of dates in long-distance relationships as couples do when they live in the same city,” says Moheban-Wachtel. “’Go to a movie’ together by watching a movie at the same time and texting comments,” she suggests. Or “play games together, such as ‘name that tune’ or ’21 questions.'”

And don’t do all of your dates fully clothed. “Schedule a phone sex or Skype date to share desires or engage in sex talk with each other,” Moheban-Wachtel says. This’ll keep things hot between face-to-face visits — and it’s fun! (More on this later.)

2. Daily Verbal Communication

It takes ~two seconds to send a text. And though it’s superfun to lob texts back and forth all day, your romance — and sex life — will take a hit if that’s all you do. “People’s lives are busy,” Moheban-Wachtel says. “Texting is so much easier and faster that many long-distance couples fall into the trap of sticking exclusively to this type of communication.”

Don’t do it, she warns: “Break out of the cycle and reconnect every night before bed by having a phone conversation. You’ll feel more like you’re a part of each other’s lives, and solidify the connection on a daily basis,” which will lead to better sex when you’re face to face — or screen to screen. “Also, if you’re ever upset, verbal communication is the only good way to handle the situation,” says Moheban-Wachtel. “Speak in person or over Skype about these heavier feelings,” she recommends.

3. One Word: Trust

For the best sex of your life, you must trust your partner. One way to foster trust is to be sure to speak to your partner daily — but not just about the quotidian mundanities of life (though those are important too). “Maintaining a daily connection lets you know the other person is thinking about you and vice versa,” Moheban-Wachtel says. “Actively work to maintain the other person’s trust by reassuring them they’re the only one for you.”

How to do this? “Share your lives,” she says. “Make plans. And be as open as you can with each other about your goals for the relationship. You build trust by letting the other know the level of commitment you have, and how you want the relationship to grow.”

4. Lots Of Cuddling

When you fly in for a visit, don’t hit the town night and day. “Face-to-face interaction is vital,” says Moheban-Wachtel, so “take advantage of your in-person time together by staying in and enjoying the intimacy of being together.” Sex will obviously be on the menu, but for the best sex life — LDR or otherwise — make time to snuggle. “Touch, cuddle, enjoy each other physically, since distance doesn’t allow you to experience this part of your relationship,” Moheban-Wachtel says.

5. Sexting Regularly

Couples in a long-distance relationship become expert sexters sooner or later — sextperts, if you will. This is a good thing, Moheban-Wachtel says: “Not only is sexting normal when you’re separated by distance, it’s also healthy. Keep the spark alive and maintain a sexual connection with pictures and shared fantasies.” It’s fun to change it up in this realm by incorporating Snapchat and other photo/video apps, so as to keep things playful and keep each other excited and interested.

6. Love Letters

I don’t know if I would call this “normal” in this day and age, unfortunately, but this is, by far, my favorite method of keeping an LDR sex life fresh: Write hand-written letters to your long-distance love. If you’re already doing it, mad props — and things are likely smoldering in the bedroom too. (Have you ever read James Joyce’s dirty letters to his wife? Caliente.) “It’s easy to get caught in a rut of using the ever-accessible text messaging and email,” Moheban-Wachtel says. “Break away from it once in awhile and surprise each other with a handwritten message.”

So get out the stationery (or go to the store and buy some, because I bet you don’t have any) and put pen to paper to express your feelings. “Old-style traditional letters are great, even with surprise gifts,” she says. If you can get in the habit of sending care packages to your boo every month or so, and vice versa, this will cultivate serious feelings of anticipation and happiness — and you know where those feelings lead. (Hint: in the direction of great sex.)

7. Frequent Visits

Sign up for a credit card affiliated with an airline, because it’s time to rack up the frequent flyer miles: “Too much distance can lead to more misunderstandings, loneliness and possibly an unnecessary disconnect,” Moheban-Wachtel says. “Unless financial stress, exams or major life obligations are a concern, plan to visit each other every weekend or every other weekend. This way, the distance won’t feel quite as stressful.”

In some instances, this is much easier said than done — if you’re in LA and your beau is based in NYC, it’s unlikely you’ll be jetting back and forth every other weekend. If it’s a physical possibility, heed Moheban-Wachtel’s advice by all means. If not, prioritize face time (in addition to FaceTime) as much as possible. “By making the effort and going out of your way to see each other, you show you are working to keep the relationship alive and healthy,” says Moheban-Wachtel. Also, guess what you can do when you’re in the same room as your partner that you can’t do from afar?

8. Skype Sex

You knew this one was coming. Partly because I warned you, but also partly because — duh. It’s 2015 and we can Skype whomever we want whenever we want, wearing whatever clothing (or lack thereof) we want. “Some couples worry intimate dates over Skype is sleazy,” Moheban-Wachtel says. “It’s not. It’s normal, healthy — and necessary.”

As such, “surprise your partner with sexy outfits and different ideas on how to experience virtual intimacy,” Moheban-Wachtel suggests. Now there’s a term you don’t hear every day: “virtual intimacy.” I like it! “Maintain the sexual momentum and romance in the relationship by taking advantage of and embracing the virtues of technology,” she says. The more you trust your partner, the more comfortable you’ll feel — but keep in mind that Skype (or whatever your video chat of choice may be) sex takes practice. The more you do it, the more at ease you’ll feel doing a sexy striptease “with your partner,” aka in a room alone by yourself.

9. Being Present

Here’s an easy one: Find out what turns your partner on and do it, Moheban-Wachtel says. “Is it lingerie? Buy something new,” she suggests, and surprise your partner via video chat or next time you see them. “Is it fantasizing? Make sure to act these fantasies out when you see each other in person.” It boils down to paying attention to your partner: “Every person and couple has their own unique ways of getting excited by another person,” she says. “Understanding these will help you keep things exciting every time you meet.” This is as true outside the bedroom as it is within. If you love when your partner shows up at the airport to greet you with a clean shave, thank him when he does just that. And the same goes for whatever your partner appreciates about you — do it, and notice what effect that has on him.

10. Sharing Your Fantasies

Here’s what’s up, Moheban-Wachtel says: “If your partner is into sex toys [and you are too], embrace it. Use them to spice things up and keep the intimacy alive.” No worry if your fantasies don’t align with your partner’s, though it’s always a good idea to be as GGG as possible. “If toys aren’t your thing, flirt and have phone sex to describe exactly what you want and wish to do to each other sexually,” she says. “This can be just as spicy and sexy.” Whatever the fantasy may be, talk about your desires with your partner and vice versa for a fulfilling and top-notch sex life in an LDR — or just a regular old LTR.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Improve Your Love by Avoiding these Dating Pitfalls

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships are filled with twists and turns. But there are some common pitfalls you can avoid to be sure your relationship is strong and deepens. 

Millions of couples endure the nightmare of relationship breakdown every year and the divorce rate shows no sign of slowing. It seems that many people find it very difficult to form lasting, happy relationships and here are 5 common mistakes that kill relationships. Get rid of them from your relationship and you’ll enjoy a happier love life.

1. Without doubt, the single worst way to spoil your relationship is to be argumentative because you need to be right. This is DEADLY. Argumentative people will argue to the nth degree until they “win” about everything and anything. They will not listen and consider their partner’s viewpoints and will rarely if ever compromise. Any criticism, even if fair and justified will be met with defensive and sometimes angry responses as the need to be right overrides the need to compromise and improve the relationship. Try not to get into silly, futile arguments and remember that winning arguments isn’t the objective, but what is best for your relationship – if you want it to last.

2. Respect for each is absolutely fundamental. This means accepting and loving your partner for the wonderful, unique human being they are. However, many people actually believe they “own” their partner, and expect them to conform in ways they deem appropriate. This is more like slavery than love! Your partner is not your private property, they certainly aren’t your slave and it isn’t conducive to a happy relationship to restrict their freedoms by treating them this way. Your partner may want to grow in ways you may not like or even feel comfortable with but preventing their growth not only stifles them but you as well. Because your partner will treat you in the same way. Instead of restricting each other’s freedoms, it is far better encourage your partner to grow and become the person they want to be. Indeed, this is the only way true love can flourish.

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Build Your Relationship on Communication

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Building a strong relationship takes time and mutual effort. The Cornerstone of success starts witht he way you connect and communicate.

You likely don’t need to be convinced that communication is foundational to a great marriage. If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know how hard it can be to understand that person to whom you’ve pledged your life. You’ve seen molehills transformed into mountains because of miscommunication and misunderstood. You’ve experienced the frustration of feeling like you’re not being heard.

If a couple knows how to talk to and listen to one another with understanding and respect, there are few problems that can’t be overcome. On the flip side, when the communication skills are lacking, it doesn’t take much to break a marriage.As you evaluate your own relationship, here are some things to focus on.

Communication Begins with Listening

If you’ve ever tried to talk to someone who just wouldn’t listen, you know it doesn’t work too well. Instead of creating understanding and connection, it produces frustration and isolation.

All of us, men and women, have got to learn to listen patiently. It isn’t easy though. Sometimes we assume we understand what our mate is saying, and instead of really listening to them when they are talking, we spend the whole time plotting our response. We mentally shoot down points that they may not even be making, and we miss their point entirely.

My spouse deserves to be heard. I need to fight the temptation to “know what she is going to say.” I must be quiet, stop and listen to her – and I don’t just mean physical quietness, either. I need to refrain from mentally rehearsing my argument and really give her my full attention and focus. My undivided attention validates who she is and conveys my respect for her feelings. It gives her a sense of value, and it fosters co-operation, rather than competition, between us.

In many couples there is one person who is more verbal than the other. Two thirds of the time the woman is more verbal than the man, but sometimes it is the man who talks more. It is especially important for the talker to learn good listening skills and to give your mate the time to talk. If you feel like your spouse isn’t communicative enough, make sure you’re giving them a chance to open up. If you are filling the air with words, your spouse won’t be able to share unless they are willing to fight for “air time”. That isn’t likely to happen, and instead it drives them deeper into privacy.

If you want to improve the communication in your marriage, start here. Invite your spouse to share what’s going on in their heart. Shut everything else out – the TV, the computer, the phone – and focus on them, resisting the urge to pass judgment or argue. Keep an open mind and hear out their perspective.

Make the Effort to Truly Understand

How many times have you and your spouse had an argument, only to discover that the fight could have been avoided if you had truly taken the time to understand one another? My wife and I have had times where, as we worked through an area of disagreement, we discovered that we didn’t really disagree at all…we only thought we disagreed because we were too impatient to fully understand one another.

Too often we’re just listening to the words and not really to the heart. We have to listen to the whole message. There needs to be a clear commitment to listening to what my spouse is trying to say, and to be a safe environment in which they can share their deepest feelings.

The key word here is empathy – where I’m trying to see what it‘s like to look at life through their eyes. Sure, my viewpoint is so clear to me and my position seems so right, and I’ve got my points that I want to make in this discussion. But winning the argument can’t be what it’s about. As it says in Phil. 2:3-4, “look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” We’ve got to work hard to empathize; to see life from our spouse’s perspective. And when we do that, we can connect so much better because we’re stepping into their world. It feels so good to be understood.

We need to listen with more than just with our ears; we really need to go below the surface. Researchers estimate that 65% or more of our communication is non-verbal. Paying attention to body language and your spouse’s actions will help you grasp what they mean by the words they say. And the more our spouse senses that we are truly hearing them, the more secure they will feel to continue sharing at deeper levels.

The deeper we go, the more intimate the relationship becomes. A good marriage is one in which the couple is continuously growing in transparent disclosure. We need to seek to understand our spouse to their core. Rather than growing complacent or trying to fit them into your own mould, put in the effort to get to their heart. Just listen and let them express who they are. As you get to know their heart, you’ll likely grow in your desire to be with them.

Authenticity and Sensitivity

If we want to grow in our marital intimacy, it requires that we be authentic with one another. There is no place for deceit or dishonesty within marriage. The intimacy we are pursuing is one in which we are fully known, and yet fully loved.

Full transparency is risky, because it requires us to lay our heart bare for another to see. We fear sharing at this depth because there is a chance we will be rejected when the person sees us for who we really are. And that’s why it’s so critical to foster a sense of safety. My spouse needs to know that if she shares what’s really going on inside, I’m not going to reject her or drop the hammer on her. She also needs to know that she can take my words at face value and believe what I’m saying to her. If that trust doesn’t exist, then we have no communication.

Of course, if we are really being honest with one another, there are going to be times when we have to share our disappointments and frustrations towards one another. The key in these instances is to do it in a sensitive, positive way: to speak the truth in love. Truth should never be used to bash the other person, with the defence that “I’m just being truthful.” Truth need not be conveyed harshly; there is always a way to say things kindly. Ephesians 4:29 puts it like this: “Do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it might benefit all who listen.” We need to be gentle and use words that encourage one another, and remain open to working things through in an honest but positive way.

Forgiveness

Some couples are not on the same page because they haven’t worked through issues of forgiveness. It is impossible to develop meaningful communication in a marriage apart from a willingness to freely forgive one another. Every marriage goes through tough times, and if we are going to pull through those things we have to cut each other some slack and be willing to put things behind us.

Someone put it this way: If friendship is like the bricks in the wall of your marriage, understand that the mortar is forgiveness. Forgiveness is what holds the friendship together. I tell couples when I have the privilege to marry them, “There should be nobody in this world that you will be more patient with than the one whose hand you’re holding now at the altar.” But the funny thing is, I can be the most impatient and the most unforgiving with my spouse. I’ll be gracious to other people and everyone thinks that Dave’s such a nice guy. Meantime, I don’t cut my wife and kids the slack that they deserve and they’re the ones I love the most. It needs to be the opposite.

If you are reading this and you know there are issues between you and your spouse, look each other in the eye and say “You know, we want to move on from here. We want to work things out. We want to have a great marriage.” And to forgive feely is the real secret to that. Forgive as the Lord forgave you – completely and unconditionally. As you release your spouse, you’ll discover that it is a gift to yourself as much as it is to them.

Learning to communicate with your spouse is a lifelong process. There will be ups and downs – times when you’re clicking on all cylinders, and times when you feel worlds apart. But if you commit yourselves to working to understand one another, sharing yourselves transparently and forgiving through the hard times, you will have a strong foundation upon which to build a marriage that you love being a part of.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

My Interview with My Parents on Love, Sex and Intimacy

by Sunah Bilstedin RELATIONSHIPS

I sat down with my parents over some wine and nostalgia to see if I could decode, and hopefully recreate, the components of a good marriage someday.

I’m in my late 30’s and have yet to marry.  I am, conversely, a product of two wild, unique, and beautiful loving parents who have been happily married for 47 years.  I’ve always had a sneaky obsession with asking long-term couples what their secret is. As if, through magical osmosis, their wisdom will become a part of me and I can then find forever happiness in a mate. My parents, along with my brother, Tauno, and I immigrated to New York City from Copenhagen, Denmark in 1986. Before Denmark, we lived in Vancouver, Canada, where I was born. They met in Calgary in the winter of 1967 and married at July 28th, 1968 at City Hall in New York City.  My father purchased a $1 ring from St. Marks Place for my mother. It broke the next day. She threw it out. They never wore wedding rings again.  English is a second language for them both. They spent a total of four times together before they got married.  I can barely get a man to commit to storing my number and full legal name into his cell phone.  I sat down with my parents over some wine and nostalgia to see if I could decode, and hopefully recreate, the components of a good marriage someday.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The first time they met, my mother was stuck in the kitchen. She had been given the job of personal chef for a dinner that her older brother had planned.  According to legend, when my father came in the kitchen, my mother was in the middle of making a delicate roux. The sizzle she felt standing next to him ruined the sauce and her single life forever.  They met again at a party a few weeks later. This time, my mother was not relegated to the kitchen. When he saw her getting ready to leave the party he created a moment in a staircase and stole a kiss.  She kissed him back.

DAD: Yngve Biltsted – 72 years old, married mom at 25 – Danish: I didn’t want to let her go without making an impact

MOM: Leyla Biltsted – 68 years old, married dad at 21– Turkish: It was the smoochiest smooch I ever had! (Translation. It was really hot. )

He wanted to make an impact. I wonder if that’s what we all want. Someone to cast a ripple in our water.

Dad: Although we didn’t speak any words that first night, I already had chemistry with Leyla.

Mom: There are no words for it. I looked into your father’s eyes and that was it. And there’s no rhyme or reason for it. I have to say there’s a certain feeling. When I first met him, I felt emotionally safe.

GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER

They had only spent 3 nights together, mostly at parties and in groups, when my father moved from freezing Calgary to rainy Vancouver.

Dad: We started writing each other. That’s when the feelings really started to come out.

Mom: But we already knew each other. Intuitively.

Dad: We had already decided that it was pretty much it.

They already knew they were it? Without having sex?  Despite the fact that the subjects of this love-stigation are my parents, I needed to know more about how their initial attraction played out in the bedroom. I took a long terrifying breath, and pounced.  I asked them about their first time. He planned a visit to go see her, making it the fourth time they’d ever laid eyes on each other.

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The Anniversary Letter

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Do you ever wonder how your love effects your friends and family?
A deeper look from an astute daughter for her parents on their 25th Wedding Anniversary.

Dear Parents,

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

Indian Brides Hands Holding BouquetThank you so much for everything you both have done for me. I know I’m not good with expressing my emotions but I’m giving it a try today. You’ve provided me with everything I have ever wanted and much more. I am eternally grateful. I’ve been told about how humble and modest I am by my friends and quoting Jaju, “it is all because of your upbringing by your parents”, so well done both of you.

I’ve never seen a more stable couple, adjusting to each others needs and desires in a more healthier and more understanding manner. You fit together like two puzzle pieces. You compliment each other like no one else can. You make up for each others shortcomings, never leaving the other one’s side. Basically, I think you were ‘made for each other’. So thank you Chachu for bringing them together and providing me with the best set of parents anyone could ask for.

You have both always supported me through everything; my whining, my tantrums and my bad days. You have never forced me to do anything your way, letting me make my own decisions and still standing by my side through thick and thin. Thank you for trusting in me and shaping me into the young woman I am today. They say “you are a product of your parents”. So, I think it is safe to say you have created a pretty decent product. Wherever I am today, all my accomplishments have only been possible because of the two of you. If there is a bright future ahead of me, I only have you two to thank for it.

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