Save Yourself From These Dating Pitfalls

First dates are awkward as it is, as trying to get to know someone can have it’s challenges in any situation. When it comes to choosing a place, here are 5 date pitfalls to avoid:

COMEDY SHOW

I am a comedian, and every time I see a couple on a date in the audience I think WHY??!! Not only can you not talk to the person, but you don’t really know anything about them yet, let alone their sense of humor. Both parties are always reluctant to laugh in fear of the other person taking offense.

Comedian: “You know that awkward moment right after you finish where it’s like UH COULD YOU NOT BE HERE RIGHT NOW”

(Guy looks at girl smiling nervously.)

After the show it’s only more awkwardness. As you’ve basically been sitting next to a stranger for the past two hours you really have no idea what to say. Going to a comedy show is something that you should do when you are comfortable with a person, i.e. AFTER you’ve gotten to know them. Save this night out for when you are committed and need a break from Netflix.

ANYTHING ATHLETIC

We want to avoid starting off a potential relationship by competing AGAINST one another. Also, not everyone is athletic. You could really end up embarrassing someone. Once a guy asked me to go bike riding in Venice Beach. I was too chicken shit to tell him “listen, it took me like 6 years to learn how to ride a bike that ended in my mom enrolling me in “biking school” which was basically an indoor gym for uncoordinated children to ride around with training wheels on.“ Needless to say, I shouldn’t have to bring my helmet and kneepads to get to know someone. Activities that require teamwork where you can excel/learn together tend to be better suited for dates, like a cooking class or wine tasting.

Unique Romantic Surprises for Making Love Last a Lifetime

Looking for Romantic Ideas to surprise your mate? Romantic surprises are a lot of fun to organize for your sweetheart. Use the romantic ideas below as inspiration for your own creativity. Making love last a lifetime is worth the little bit of effort and ingenuity it takes to thrill your beloved with some of these romantic surprises.

  1. Hide little romantic love notes everywhere. In pockets, in wallets, in purses and in the glove box; in the fridge, under the keyboard, in the dryer and in the toolbox; in a book, in the newspaper, in a magazine and in the phone directory. Hunt around your home to discover unique hiding places. Some of your love notes might not be found for months! What fun! SURPRISE! Go to Romantic Ideas for Heartfelt Words of Love.
  2. Arrive home with their favorite take-out food. Be sure that your mate hasn’t already prepared dinner or the effect may not be so “romantic”. SURPRISE!
  3. Write a romantic love letter. Send it to them the old fashioned way, snail-mail! A romantic idea that’s been around for centuries! They will appreciate the time you took and the love pouring from the page. Need inspiration? Check out our Free Romantic Love Letters or our Romantic Love Letters to Copy. SURPRISE!
  4. For a romantic idea with a bit of drama,try a little role-playing. Decide who your “character” will be and dress the part. Do this away from one another. Arrange to rendezvous in a public place like a bar, restaurant or museum at a certain time. Pick a place where no one knows you or is unlikely to recognize you. Arrive at the meeting place early and practice being your “character”. At the meeting time, find eachother. You can keep the characters around as long as they are useful. This one is a lot of fun! SURPRISE!
  5. Do something unexpected for your partner just to make them happy. Fix something broken or spiff up the house. Be careful not to do something that makes them feel like they “should have” done it but you beat them to it! Sometimes a romantic idea doesn’t seem so romantic until you see the love and appreciation in your partner’s eyes. SURPRISE!
  6. Serenade your love with a song. If singing is not your best thing then bring a DVD player along and lip-synch. If you are brave enough to really sing, it will be a much more powerful romantic surprise idea, but do what you can… SURPRISE!
  7. Have dinner in some unexpected place like on the roof or in the barn or in the attic. Be sure to remember the candles and a nice bottle of wine… SURPRISE!
  8. Commission a romantic portrait drawn from a photograph of the two of you. This makes a wonderful personalized keepsake, , a very romantic idea. Some artists will even draw you in the setting of your choice or show you doing something fun or romantic. SURPRISE!
  9. An easy romantic idea: Deliver a nice cuppa tea or coffee to your sleepy sweetheart before they get out of bed in the morning. SURPRISE!
  10. Place a single flower (a red rose is classic) on the seat of your baby’s car before they go to work in the morning. SURPRISE!
  11. Hide romantic coupons in unexpected places. Tuck inside a CD or DVD case. Slit open food packages or boxes, slip inside and tape or reseal. The same can be done with any kind of packaging; toothpaste boxes, soap boxes or laundry detergent. Another romantic idea: Steam open a piece of mail that you know they will open and insert the coupon. (bank statement, credit card bill, tax refund check) Reseal. SURPRISE!
  12. Fill a room with helium balloons. Present them with a needle. SURPRISE!
  13. Here is a sneaky and romantic idea. Blindfold your beloved and take them on a drive. See if they can guess where you are before you let them remove the blindfold. Have a friend set up a romantic picnic in advance, with all the trimmings. “Accidently discover” it with your partner. SURPRISE!
  14. Have a limousine pick up your sweetheart at work and whisk them away for a fancy lunch and for an even sexier romantic idea, plan on making love too! SURPRISE!
  15. Buy tickets to an event that your partner really wants to see or do. Keep your romantic surprise a secret until the day of the event. If it takes place after dinner, then you can eat dinner beforehand at a restaurant and have the waiter give them the tickets when they give them the check. Or if you usually pay, the tickets can be tucked into the dessert menu…SURPRISE!
  16. Pay attention to what your partner marks or circles in a mail order catalogue. They will probably even show you what it is that they like. Here is the romantic idea: without them knowing, order what they have marked and have it sent to their work or wrap it up and give it to them yourself. SURPRISE!
  17. Sneak away from a party or family gathering and make out or even make love. Ask your sweetheart for “help to get something from the car” or “their opinion about something in the den”. You get the romantic idea! SURPRISE!
  18. A summertime (or warm climate) romantic idea. (unless you are a polar bear!)Play a game of Hide and Seek with your sweetheart. Find a hiding place that is very private. Strip. Wait for your lover to find you. SURPRISE!
  19. Most people will love this romantic idea.Conspire with your partner’s boss, to arrange a “Day Off Work” for your mate. When they arrive up at work, they will be sent home. You can take it from there… SURPRISE!
  20. When your beloved must travel for business, pack a Body Guard in their suitcase for “protection”: A small teddy bear. SURPRISE!
  21. For a relatively inexpensive and sweet romantic surprise idea:Show up at home with a fancy coffee drink or a decadent sweet. Choose something special that your loved one wouldn’t ordinarily buy for themselves. SURPRISE!
  22. This romantic idea takes a little bit of planning but is well worth it.Take your sweetheart out to dinner to a restaurant where they have never been. Plan everything in advance so that your table is ready when you arrive, the food and drinks are ordered; no waiting. You have prearranged everything. When the wine is served, they will bring a bouquet of flowers for your beloved. The note in the flowers can read something like, “To the Sweetest Love I’ve Ever Known”. When dessert is brought, the waiter will deliver a small gift with a romantic greeting card that says, “Thank you for an Enchanted Evening and a Lifetime of Love.” SURPRISE!
  23. When your sweetheart is trying on an outfit, pay for it before they leave the dressing room. SURPRISE!
  24. Show up at your partner’s work with a single red rose for them. SURPRISE!
  25. Be waiting in the bathtub when your beloved comes home from work. Offer them a glass of wine and suggest that they join you. SURPRISE! This is one of my personal favorite romantic ideas!Go to more Romantic Bath Ideas.
  26. Take your partner on a short walk. The romantic idea is to have everything set up for you while you are out. Have a friend deliver and set the table with a gourmet meal. They can even stick around for a while to serve the dinner and “wait” on you. You can offer to reciprocate with a surprise romantic evening for them and maybe they’ll even clean up… SURPRISE!
  27. For the romance readers, here is a romantic idea just for you!Order a personalized romance novel written using your names and details. The perfect romantic love story for reading out loud… SURPRISE!
  28. Here’s a romantic surprise idea that will help banish the winter weather blues.On a miserable winter day,go to the beach…at HOME! Decorate a place (basements and attics are great for this) with lounge chairs, beach towels and maybe even real sand. Buy coconuts, pineapples and mangos. Make some of those tropical rum drinks with the little umbrellas. Put on some Hawaiian hula music or reggae. Turn up the heat! (Bathing suits optional). SURPRISE!
  29. Put a blanket down on your lawn. Pretend you are on a deserted island with your mate. Don’t forget the Daiquiri’s and “Wilson”. (Like in the movie Castaway) SURPRISE!
  30. Tuck a romantic love note in a small plastic bottle and float it in the bath—under the bubbles! SURPRISE!
  31. Bake a treat like cookies, brownies or browse our free romantic recipes for other romantic ideas you can eat. Have them delivered to your sweetheart at work. SURPRISE!
  32. Fill your partner’s car to the brim with red or pink balloons. Alternatively you can fill the trunk with helium balloons. When they open it, the balloons will come streaming out. Attach a card that reads, “You Raise Me Up” or “I’m not just full of hot air when I tell you I Love You!” SURPRISE!
  33. Turn your home into a five star restaurant complete with menu, wine list, fresh flowers, candle light andromantic music. Have a delicious meal prepared and give them extra special table service. Don’t forget dessert! (and dancing?) SURPRISE!
  34. Here is an idea that I originally used with my children one Easter morning. It is excellent as a romantic surprise idea too.Make a String Maze for your mate to find a small gift or token you have made or bought for them. You will need a ball of yarn or string. If the gift is small enough, start by winding the end of the string or yarn around it. Starting at the gift, unwind it all over your house (and yard, weather permitting) over and under and all around (Sh-h-h-h-h!) until it eventually leads to your sweetheart. They must follow the string (winding it up as they go) until they get to the end and the gift. SURPRISE!
  35. Go on a helicopter tour of your area with your sweetheart. If the pilot is willing, visit your neighborhood and other romantic landmarks of your relationship. If you can get them from home and all the way to the helicopter blindfolded, then so much the better! Don’t forget the wine! SURPRISE!
  36. Here’s a particularly decadent romantic surprise idea that you and your beloved will always cherish the memory of. Reserve a room in a nice hotel in your town or a nearby town. Arrange to meet your beloved in the lobby at a certain specific time. Make sure it is after “check in”. Before they arrive, go up to your room and put a big bouquet of fresh flowers by the bed. If the hotel doesn’t have “turn down” service, you do it, complete with decadent chocolates on the pillows. Sprinkle the bed with rose petals. Put romantic music on a CD player you have brought from home. Putcandles in the bathroom and run a hot bath with sensuous bath oil or romantic aromatherapy bath salts. Have an ice bucket and a bottle of champagne chilling. Put more candles by the bed and some massage lotion. Light the candles, start the music and get down to the lobby with your bags before your sweetheart shows up. SURPRISE!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Who’s My Emergency Contact Now?

So, you’ve broken up.

You’ve taken their number out of your phone so you don’t text in moments of weakness. When you drop your cat off at the groomer’s and they ask for an emergency contact you say, “I don’t have one. I guess if I don’t come back, you have to set the cat free.”

Best case scenario: you came together, you challenged each other to be your best, inspired each other, learned from each other, then evolved so much you grew apart and mutually decided to consciously uncouple. Worst case scenario: everything else.

Here are some tips to help you deal:

Mourn the plans you made together.

It could be that annual trip to Batfest in Austin, TX, it could be your aunt’s wedding in Boston, it could just be the new Iron Man movie. Notice and release your disappointment in each thing you won’t be doing together. You’re creating a new reality map in your brain without that person in it.

Disconnect electronically.

This might be the hardest part, because we all want to be supercool adult people. That doesn’t mean you need to see when this dude is out to dinner with a girl whose haircut is very similar to your own, and he doesn’t need to know when you’re out at karaoke singing the Stevie Nicks songs that he used to hear in the shower. You don’t have to delete them, but certainly turn their feed off for a couple of months while you get your head together. Even though it sometimes feels good to dwell on the object of your affection, scratching that itch will just contribute to an obsession and will delay your healing.

Cut off communication.

One of the hardest parts of a breakup, especially of a long relationship, is that you find that the person you used to get comfort from is the last person you should speak to. Talk to friends. Talk to family. Talk to your pastor. Don’t talk to each other. Part of your job right now is to get this person’s smell out of your nostrils, literally and figuratively. Once you stop hanging out with them, you’ll stop saying things like “but we’re so good together!”

Depressed Man After Split Up

Ditch the Knick-knacks.

If you have stuff of theirs that reminds you of them, and it bothers you, put it away. You can even throw it away, if you want. If something is in your house that makes you sad, get rid of it, unless he gave you a couch or something, in that case throw a blanket over it until it doesn’t make you feel sad anymore, because that’s a nice couch.

How to Argue–From a Debate Professor

Couples argue. When two people share a life (and thus a lot of time) together, it’s unavoidable. Whereas you might feel totally comfortable telling a coworker or friend where to stick their unsolicited opinions, the stakes feel higher with a partner. You care about them. You want them to be happy. But sometimes… you just want them to see that you’re right and they’re wrong and to stop being so difficult. I hear you.

Arguing can be a good thing for a relationship if you do it right. Now, I’m not a psychologist, relationship expert, or professional mediator. What I am is a former internationally competitive debater and teacher of debate. Since this is a safe space and we’re all close, personal friends I’ll be honest: I love to argue. I love the pace and exchange and demand that I think on my feet. My partner — a truly wonderful and patient human — does not find this to be my best quality. I’m here to tell you that there are approaches to contentious moments in a relationship that ensure your voice is heard and can even strengthen your connection.

“The Pregame”

Many arguments are rooted not in the topic being argued, but the perception of what the argument says about one of the involved parties. The best way to mitigate this kind of dynamic is to make a habit of being supportive and constructive in common conversation with your partner. When they say something insightful, tell them you find it interesting. When you glean new information from a discussion, let them know you learned something. The goal isn’t a flattery-off, so don’t force these moments. Saying the little things you think in your brain as you talk with someone you care about can have a big impact when emotions run high. Even a simple “Huh. I hadn’t thought about that. Super interesting” can go a long way when you need it later on.

“The Mind Buck”

When it comes to a loved one, there is no such thing as “stuck” in a conversation. Weird Gene cornering you at the office at the holiday party is “stuck.” Changing the way you think about a situation has powerful implications for how your brain will allow you to process information. Often times we can feel an argument coming on, based on past experience. This generates stress, which does some pretty interesting stuff to brain chemistry and function. Most notably, stress can decrease activity in the parts of the brain that allow for higher level reasoning. If you feel like your critical thinking skills get worse as you get steamed, you might be right.

In this instance, you need to give your brain something else to focus on. Some people try a basic counting exercise, where counting backwards from twenty of fifty, (if you go from zero to Michael Bay in no time flat) de-escalates a situation. I found that a mantra, practiced in calm times but invoked prior to big debate rounds worked well for me. When it comes to fights with my partner, I’ve got a few choice mantras that relate to our connection that I cycle through. “My eyes sparkle when you laugh at my jokes,” reminds me of one of the best small shared moments we have. “You bring me coffee and smell my hair every morning,” is a more practically-focused meditation, and keeps our familial rituals at the forefront. “No matter what you say right now, you’ll still fart in the bed,” pulls double duty as a very true thing that makes me laugh but also something that keeps the situation in perspective. You might really want to, but don’t let your brain freak out or shut down.

“Listen, Breathe, Repeat”

The hardest but most effective rhetorical tool I’ve encountered. Even if the information being presented to you is incredibly objectionable, let the speaker run their course. Then, prior to your response, breathe deeply. Like, I’m talking diaphragm expanding, theatre warm up levels of deep breathing. Then, repeat what you’ve heard as best you can recall it. This does three things:

  • Let’s the other person feel heard;
  • Regulates your heartbeat, avoiding that “rage tremble” feeling we’ve all experienced;
  • Gives your mouth a second to catch up to your brain.

The kinds of people I used to debate against were not ones for brevity, so you’ll have to develop your own ways of remembering points you want to hit while they run out their words. I would pop a knuckle when I heard something I wanted to respond to, which was probably not great for my joints but effective in connecting a sensation to a statement I’d hear. I’d then try to pop the same knuckle and magically find that I was able to recall whatever point to which I’d wanted to respond.

“The Trump Card”

The bottom line is that for most people, anything is preferable to arguing. If your goal is to navigate the shortest distance between contention and drinking an IPA on the couch and laughing about your dumb tiff, nothing beats honesty. “I love you and want to enjoy our time together” tends to throw folks for a loop. That’s okay. So long as you stay levelheaded (see “The Mind Buck”) the relationship world is your oyster.

Romantic Gestures, Do They Pair With Sushi?

Freshman year of high school, I had a crush on a girl that we’ll call Julie. Julie and I had gotten to talking a lot on a choir class trip and we had flirted a bit, although I was 15 and dorky, so by flirting I really just mean she was willing to talk to me.  But we had this joke, the kind of cute inside joke that had me convinced that Julie and I would definitely be together.  At the time there was this weird rumor that green M&Ms were an aphrodisiac.  I barely understood what that meant, but we had joked together on that choir trip about it and shared our green M&Ms with each other and laughed and laughed.

So, come Valentine’s Day, Julie and I had a date planned, and I wanted to get her something special to give her as a valentine at school.  I bought one of those little plastic M&Ms dispensers, and sat down one evening with about a dozen big bags of M&Ms, spending careful amounts of time picking out each and every green one I could find, and re-filling the dispenser with just them.  Let me make it perfectly clear that I did not think that this would make Julie suddenly go into heat and have sex with me right in the cafeteria.  I knew it was a joke.  I thought she would laugh, that was the goal.  But it turned out she laughed not with me, but at me.  She thought it was totally lame and not long after that she decided she wanted to date my best friend Andy instead of me.

I can’t really say that course of events has every really changed in my life.  While I’ve landed pretty firmly in the cynical camp when it comes to romance now, I was for decades a card-carrying Hopeless Romantic. I was prone to wild, random, quirky romantic gestures that I can say never ended well.  Some of them were relatively minor, driving across town to bring ibuprofen to a woman who was stuck at work with a major headache, only to have her barely muster up a thank you.  Hunting down an ‘80s Transformers lunchbox on eBay for an obsessed fan who dumped me the day before I gave it to her.

My very last romantic act which I thought was fairly simple, somehow became the most complicated and convoluted, and likely expedited the breakup that happened less than a week later.  In August 2012 I was dating Katie. She had started a new, stressful job that was demanding far more of her time than she thought it would.  One of the complaints she often shared with me was that she could never get away from her desk long enough for a real lunch and was living off of granola bars and such.  So I decided one day when she’d seemed extra stressed that it would be a really good day to go online and order her some sushi sent to her office.  I picked out her favorite rolls, I tipped the driver in the purchase, and I left a note for the restaurant explaining what was going on.

Here’s the problem: the restaurant didn’t get the note that I gave to the online ordering company.  They then sent a delivery driver who only spoke Japanese.  I had put her name on the order but my phone number, and hadn’t told her it was coming because it was supposed to be a surprise (Note to anyone reading: surprises are almost always a bad idea.)  This leads to me getting a phone call from the driver saying “Food is here,” with him then not understanding me when I explained, “Oh, it’s not for me, it’s a gift.” He responded with a very unsure “Okay,” and then continued to wait in the lobby of her building assuming that what I had said to him was some variation of “I’ll be right down.” 

Speak Your Truth and Build Happiness Together

After years of emotionally abusive relationships, I currently have a loving and supportive partner, but it hasn’t come easy.  Most of my past relationships fell apart due to miscommunication and feeling unheard.  I had to learn from my missteps and change my approach to communicating effectively, and although this is a difficult and ongoing process, proper communication skills are key to a relationship’s sustainability.

Here are some useful communication tools that I’ve acquired over the years after learning from past mistakes.

1)  It’s okay to ask for what you want.

It was never easy for me to request anything from my ex-partners because I was deathly afraid that they would either think less of me or leave me.  More importantly, I didn’t feel like I deserved to be treated well.

One of my ex-girlfriends would tease me about my weight constantly and I never let her know how much it hurt my feelings.  Instead of having a potentially uncomfortable conversation, I built up resentment towards her over time.  The main reason I never confronted her was because I had such low self-esteem that I thought she was doing me a favor by being with me.

By treating myself like a charity case, I didn’t put any value in myself which made it harder for us to put any value in our relationship.  I still think it was unkind of her to constantly shame me for being overweight, but it’s also possible that she didn’t mean any harm, and I’ll never know how she would’ve felt if I communicated that she genuinely hurt my feelings.

Over the years, I’ve learned to value myself more, which means that I have to occasionally request that my emotional needs are met.  I try my best to bring up the conversation gently and reassure her that my words are not meant as a personal attack.

These conversations generally aren’t comfortable and can get contentious, but I would much rather cope with some discomfort than to let years of resentment build up.  It’s better for your relationship–and for you personally–to realize that you are valuable enough to ask for what you want.  You owe it to yourself to let your voice be heard.

2)  Don’t demand to have your needs met.

Asking for what you want is different from demanding to get what you want.  When you become forceful in conveying your needs, you are selfishly disregarding your partner feelings.

I became incensed in a past relationship when my ex-girlfriend would take too long responding to texts.  Instead of simply letting her know that this was bothering me and discussing this issue like adults, I told her that she needed to text me more often, and I accused her of not caring about me if she didn’t comply.  Needless to say, we didn’t last.  Coercion is an unhealthy way of connecting with someone.

The mistake I made was conflating her actions with my self-worth. I thought that her lack of texting meant that I was an unlovable person. When you expect your partner to do whatever you ask, you are neglecting your partner’s needs and not taking ownership of your own feelings, meaning that you are deflecting responsibility onto someone else.  This hinders your own growth as well as the growth of your relationship.

Communicating your needs is not about getting your partner to comply by any means necessary (this would be considered emotional manipulation bordering on emotional abuse).  The purpose of asking for what you want is to assert yourself and let your voice be heard, not to get anything and everything you want. Remember that speaking up for yourself is its own reward, and remember that your partner has feelings, too.

3)  Don’t take criticism personally.

There will be times when your partner will request that his/her emotional needs are met, and when this happens, it’s very easy to react defensively and harshly which isn’t helpful to either party.

My natural impulse when my partner criticizes one of my behaviors is to defend myself angrily because I generally view criticism as a personal attack against my character.  I have to remind myself every day that this is not the case.

I was once told that I should lift my knees slightly higher when I run in order to improve my technique and burn more calories.  I automatically began making implications that weren’t there.  “So she thinks I’m bad at running, meaning she thinks I’m lazy, and lazy people aren’t desirable, so she thinks that I’m a lazy undesirable person?”

It took many years for me to realize that my self-worth is not wrapped up in any behavior.  Behaviors are something that can be fixed, improved, or even ignored, but none of that has anything to do with my worth as a person.

Once I learned to depersonalize criticisms, I became more able to hear my partner’s needs and assess whether her criticisms are valid or invalid, and either way, I’m thankful that she trusts me enough to communicate her needs to me.

Although criticism can oftentimes feel initially unpleasant, it never has to be negative.  You can either take your partner’s advice, or you can respectfully disagree, but either way, your self-worth will always stay intact.

4)  Take yourself out of the situation when tempers are flaring.

When you’re in a relationship, it’s inevitable that you and your partner will eventually have tempers.  When this happens, it’s hard–if not impossible–for logic to seep into your brain.  In these instances, it’s okay to temporarily take yourself out of the situation until anger subsides.

The good news is, anger has a time limit and cannot sustain itself forever.  When I feel like I’m about to lose control, I’ll leave my apartment for a few minutes to clear my head.  This gives me time to calm down which minimizes the possibility of saying something I’ll later regret in the heat of the moment.

It also gives me a chance to consider why the initial argument made me so angry in the first place, and when I can analyze my thoughts in a calmer manner, I can re-enter the conversation after I’ve calmed down.  In my experience, if the argument is resolved by the time you have calmed down, it’s okay to let it go and never bring it back up again.  But if there is still lingering resentment, it’s important to resolve the issue and not sweep the problem under the rug because it will always resurface down the road.

5)  Use positive reinforcement instead of negative reinforcement.

I was raised on negative reinforcement where my parents would shame me for any type of indiscretion.  They thought this would force me to behave well in order to save face.  What they didn’t realize was the irreparable damage this has done for my self-esteem.

I’ve found that many people were raised the same way, so they use similar tactics in communicating with their friends and spouses.  When you shame people for making a mistake (or what you deem as a mistake), they are actually more likely to repeat the behavior because shaming increases the likelihood of lower self-esteem, self-sabotage, and self-fulfilling prophecies.

Since I was used to being treated this way, I gravitated towards women who would treat me in a similar fashion and thought that constant shaming was the only way to get my point across, too.  It wasn’t until my current relationship when I realized that this is a toxic and inefficient way of communicating with your partner.

Instead of shaming me whenever I make a mistake, she congratulates me whenever I make her happy or when I achieve something.  Not only has this increased my overall self-esteem, it has also incentivized me to continue positive behavioral traits knowing that it makes both my partner and me happy.  My life feels less stressful as a result.  I don’t feel a sense of constant impending doom.  Positive reinforcement has allowed me to forgive myself whenever I make a mistake instead of feeling ashamed.

Conversely, you can return the favor and let your partner know whenever he/she makes you happy, and it’s a wonderful feeling to share your happiness together.  The only drawback of positive reinforcement is how difficult it is to break a bad habit, but otherwise, there is no discernible downside.  It is better for your relationship in every way.

Is it Time to Talk or Walk?

Its the 3 month checkpoint of dating a new partner! Is it time to commit? Or are you ready to leave?

Question: When should you broach the subject of where the relationship is going? I have been seeing a guy for two months and we are having another date this weekend. I know it’s kind of early but I want to know if he is dating other people. I’m also curious why he’s listed as active on the online site we met at and why we really only talk through text. What’s the best way yo handle this?

Answer: After 2-3 months of dating, it’s a good time to make a commitment. Ask yourself: Do his actions say that he’s ready to make a commitment? His actions show more about his intent.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Breaking My Heart Open Through Heartbreak

Heartbreak is the biggest cliche conceivable, but somehow always feels uniquely painful through the scope of our own experience. Contrary to the belief that heartache gets easier as we shed our awkward teen cocoons, the pain felt familiarly sharp with each of my “Big Three.” As I embark upon what I like to call the “Age of the Great Drought of Fucks to Give, While Simultaneously Getting One’s Business Together;” otherwise known as turning 30, I present the Saga of Three Heartbreaks.

Heartbreak #1 Gillam. My Puppy Love. Age 14.

I saw him in my step-sister’s school play and my adolescent loins that burned for Ryan Gosling twinged for him. I called him in advance of our first date from a payphone when I discovered I had won tickets to go see a very cool-by-teenage-standards rock band. Putting the cart squarely before the horse, on our first date, we sat on the edge of a slab of wood resembling a dock with no water, and he wrote me a note explaining to me that he “fell for [me] like a blind roofer” and if I ever doubted his feelings I should read the phrase “Isle of View” aloud. Pretty smooth for a gangly 16 year old. Gillam lived a half hour drive away in an entirely different province (that’s Canadian for “state”). This was my first taste of long distance romance, but certainly not my last. I visited his family and bonded with his younger sister. It was she who had to eventually break it off with me over the phone; when out of nowhere he changed his mind about the whole thing. Everything is so intense at that age, that the serotonin from a rock concert or new love was like a hit of MDMA and sent me into heavy withdrawal for a day or two afterward. When we broke up, I had lost the will to go on, like a real damsel in old days. I went catatonic and watched the portable phone spin on the floor for what felt like an eternity.

Heartbreak #2 Sam. My Delayed High School Sweetheart. Age 20.

Sam was from the same suburb as mine, but we met at a bar in the city, while he was hosting an open mic night, and I had taken a job putting up posters promoting their events. When he confided in me that his parents were going through a divorce (something that I was an old pro at dealing with by now), I felt compelled to offer support even though we barely knew one another. We met at the library in between our houses and talked until the sun came up. We eventually had to be rescued by his father when his parents’ car battery died after we had jointly decided it was a great idea to climb into the trunk and get our awkward flirt on.

As we continued to see one another, it began to feel as though were in a boat, just the two of us. Whenever we saw one another, the rest of the world would disappear, and we were alone on the water together. After several months, Sam went away for a school trip. He had been nervous about a presentation and didn’t have an outfit he felt confident enough to present in, so before dawn on the day he left, I slid my way across frozen tundra that lined the path to his house that winter, and presented a care package that I had meticulously put together of his favorite colors and prints in an outfit for his presentation. His father drove us to his pickup point where we shared a sweet goodbye and then, rather than introduce me to his group of classmates, Sam awkwardly pointed me toward the bus stop (inconveniently, 2 minutes after his father had left for our neighborhood) and then scurried over to join them.

I would later learn he was leaving me for one of the classmates he had avoided introducing me to. I was okay, I had convinced myself; until I curled up in my mother’s lap like an infant, and wept a heavy sob that squeezed every drop of moisture out of my body.

He moved across the country with his new girlfriend from school, and then eventually came back home after she cheated on him. We both happened to be back in our hometown, and ran into one another at the bar where we had both met. As we embraced for the first time in years, I felt the familiar comfort of our boat. This time, however, it was as if he had a dark cloud looming above him. He had become embittered, and I felt compelled to stay as far away as possible. Our mutual friend relayed snidely to me that Sam thought I wanted to marry him and was afraid of seeing him, lest I lose all composure. I responded matter-of-factly that I didn’t mind if I never saw him again. This felt like I was saying it as much to him as I was to myself. Somehow, the universe caught the message and seven years later, we haven’t seen each other in person since.

Heartbreak #3 Jonathan. My Rock Bottom. Age 27.

Truthfully, it was by now that I thought I had aged out of feeling this devastated. Jonathan knocked the wind right out of me. I was empowered and in my element while pursuing a life I loved and taking everything by storm; so when I met Jonathan and discovered our shared feelings, I took the bull by the horns, throwing both caution and boundaries to the wind. As I seized what felt like destiny, it occurred to me how fully engaged and attracted to him I was physically, emotionally and intellectually in an as yet undiscovered way that formed a perfect storm of vulnerability. At first, I felt charming, understood and cherished as we celebrated the prize we had both won in finding each other. A small voice inside me knew it was trouble, but I was a warrior and this felt powerful. I could handle it if things went sour, I convinced myself. This wasn’t my first rodeo and love is worth risks, I bargained. I walked a razor’s edge with Jonathan; he was every bit what you would consider to be the human equivalent of the purest, most deadly addictive drug. Even as I type this, I feel like crumbs of scar tissue are still working their way through my emotional lymphatic system.

Recovery and the Slow Burn.

After a great deal of personal reflection and time alone, I started slowly seeing a stoic man who possesses a quiet calm. He is a sleeping angel in the bed we share as I type this on our nearby couch. I never really felt any fireworks, I didn’t feel like I was in a boat. He didn’t create riddles to explain how he felt (Except for this week, when he compared the evolution of his feelings to a speedometer). When we met, I was still pulling shards out of my fragile psyche. I was not ready for anything serious, I thought. It wasn’t until several months into our relationship that it occurred to me that he was someone I had grown to cherish. I would pick fights and shut down emotionally and start exhibiting all of the traits that had hurt me and had nothing to do with him. He remained sweetly quiet, stoic and unaffected. He just wanted to get us dinner, watch movies and hang out together. He occasionally voiced some concern, but did not think much of my emotionally stunted behavior. I thought he must not really care, so I acted out— until I learned not to. Mostly. As time passed, my fuse grew longer and my sanity began to restore itself. As my head poked out of the sand, there he was, watching movies and hanging out. Without much fanfare, I grew to find myself loving, and eventually (this is an important distinction) in love with him. Little things, mostly silly mannerisms, how he laughs in his sleep, or personal reflections on life that should be a book which straddles self help and unintentional satire. What we share has developed into a cherished depth of connection I haven’t felt with anyone else before. I call it the slow burn.

I probably would not have ever seen Walker (the name I imagine he’d like me to use for him) as a potential partner even a couple of years ago, because I craved the drama, the high stakes, the boat. I needed the excitement. Relationships had to make me high otherwise they didn’t feel real. I wanted to feel the impact, even if it hurt. I couldn’t manage anything between euphoria and total collapse. As I depart the emotional roller coaster of my 20s, I’ve learned to enjoy the nuances in between.

Communication Guide to Booty Calls

Getting clear on your needs in a relationship are very important. Being sure you are honest and on the same page with a booty call requires some finesse too! 


Most people don’t talk about booty calls. That’s part of their appeal: “We don’t have to endlessly com-mu-ni-cate because we’re not in a serious relationship.” People rely on a tacit understanding when it comes to casual sex with their friends and neighbors, and especially their exes. But it’s silly to assume that everyone “understands” the exact same set of personal guidelines. The implicit, unlegislated booty call is a complicated procedure, due to varying agendas, the likelihood of miscommunication, and the chance of emotional intimacy. The smart people know that without rules, there are expectations, and those, by definition, make things messy. Even if you don’t think you have any expectations, that in itself is an expectation: That you not expect anything of me, that you not sleep over, that you not get mad if I don’t text you back. So let’s once and for all manage those expectations with The 25 Rules of the Modern Booty Caller:

1. Separate sex from love.

2. You don’t need to have anything in common. The ability and/or desire to converse with each other is only necessary if one party requires that as foreplay.

3. Both parties must be either single or in open relationships.

4. Exes you are currently friends with make ideal booty call partners. However, if one party broke the other’s heart, pursuing a booty-call arrangement is a no-no (at least for 24 months).

5. Unless otherwise agreed upon, after midnight on a school night is too late to text/call. On weekends, all outreach should be done at least five minutes before closing time.

6. If you don’t want an overnight guest, then make the booty call before sundown. After the sun sets, you’ve got to resign yourself to the possibility of entertaining all night long–unless you have express rules to the contrary, it is the only polite thing to do.

7. It’s best to store your booty call’s number in your phone and NOT memorize it, should you someday wish to delete the number (and the person) from your sex life.

8.Booty calls are best made via text — the most civilized (i.e safest, i.e. cowardly) form of booty call communication. Texting (usually) helps instigators feel and appear less vulnerable, awkward and desperate.

9. If the receiver is not prepared to say yes, he or she can simply not respond — but be warned, too many cold shoulders and you run the risk of getting dumped by your booty call (which is almost more embarrassing than getting dumped by a significant other). Best to come up with a short, sweet and believable excuse as to why it’s a no go right now (e.g. “Sorry, watching ‘Project Runway All Stars’” is NOT a good one).

10. Though it’s understood that most booty calls are made after hours, the world would do well to remember that calls may also be made sober and in the light of day.

11. Ideally, booty callers should alternate who texts whom so that mutual interest is constantly re-established. If you have been the initiator more than three times without reciprocation, it is safe to assume they’d almost rather watch “Project Runway All Stars” than have sex with you. And if you’d rather watch reality TV, then it’s okay to simply stop texting (or stop responding)–especially if it was not a monogamous set-up.

12. You probably shouldn’t draw on one booty source more than once a week. Two weeks is ideal. Any more often and you risk drifting into a common-law relationship.

How Do You Feel about Tinder?

With so much of today’s millennials connecting with friends online in there daily life, its no surprise dating apps like Tinder are popular. Tinder and other online dating apps have changed the way dates and relationships are formed, but would you say it has caused a “dating apocalypse.”


Tinder has thrown a Twitter tantrum over a Vanity Fair article all about today’s hookup app generation, mobile dating apps and the “dating apocalypse”.

Written by journalist and author Nancy Jo Sales, who wrote The Bling Ring, the article was published last week on Vanity Fair.

Titled “Tinder and the Dawn of the “Dating Apocalypse””, Sales gives a glimpse into today’s hookup app generation, told through the eyes of young men and women who recount their often shocking experiences in the modern dating landscape.

The article really focuses on how today’s daters are using apps like Tinder, the kind of throwaway hookup behaviour both sexes are accustomed to, and how dating apps could be changing their attitudes towards sex, love and relationships.

Here are some sample excerpts:

“With these dating apps, he says, “you’re always sort of prowling. You could talk to two or three girls at a bar and pick the best one, or you can swipe a couple hundred people a day—the sample size is so much larger. It’s setting up two or three Tinder dates a week and, chances are, sleeping with all of them, so you could rack up 100 girls you’ve slept with in a year.””

“But others lament the way the extreme casualness of sex in the age of Tinder leaves many women feeling de-valued.”

“So where is this all going to go? What happens after you’ve come of age in the age of Tinder? Will people ever be satisfied with a sexual or even emotional commitment to one person? And does that matter? Can men and women ever find true intimacy in a world where communication is mediated by screens; or trust, when they know their partner has an array of other, easily accessible options?”

Although the article was posted last Tuesday, Tinder only embarked on the 30-tweet rant yesterday, after journalist Nancy Jo Sales posted a link to an article which said 30% of Tinder users are married.

Tinder repeated their position that this survey was “preposterous”, which sparked a flood of tweets explaining why Tinder is so much more than just a hookup app, helping singles across the world create meaningful connections, relationships and friendships.

Tinder has insisted for years that the app is about more than just hookups, and this Twitter storm almost feels like that particular pot boiling over after simmering for a long time.

And the company has subsequently stood by the rant, which has received national press and lots of attention on Twitter, with an official statement.

Check out the full rant below, and read the Vanity Fair article here.

 

 

Capture his Heart and Go Deeper in Love

Are you longing to go deeper in your dating relationship but not sure how to connect and take your relationship to the next level? Eric Charles gives a man’s point of view on what your beau is looking for. 


What does it take to get a man to truly commit and want only you? It’s a question I’ve been asked more times than I could ever quantify.

What men desire most is a woman who inspires them to be their best self. Being that woman is a much different mindset than what most women typically do these days.

So what’s the major error that trips women up? It’s their focus. Instead of focusing on the feelings and experience they create for the man, the woman fixates on her own wants, her own worries, her own fears. And amidst this completely self-absorbed mindset consumed by what she wants, it’s no wonder that she’s unable to hook a man’s interest in a significant way, one that goes beyond just hooking up.

Sure, that woman might cook him dinners, perform in bed, and tell him how much she likes him, but none of that stuff penetrates a man’s psychology on a deep and meaningful level. Forget about just getting commitment. When you really understand and master the art of tapping into the deep parts of a man’s psyche, he will want to move mountains to possess you.

Men don’t start out there when they first meet a woman, though. She needs to reach him at that level by recognizing his ambitions, his fears, his motivations, his “mission” in life and where he ultimately wants to “win.”

Here are four ways to reach a man deeply and make him want to commit and devote himself fully to you.

1. Understand: Choice is Everything

I have a confession to make, when I was revising this article to get it ready for publishing, it was three ways to make him commit… not 4.

The original article came off cold, harsh, and even depressing because I had left out the most important element of all.  So in this revised version, I made sure to convey the most important piece of the puzzle right at the beginning.

Who you choose is by far the most important factor in all relationships.  So one of the most important ways to make a guy commit is to get really good at understanding the reality of relationships, love, and your specific guy.

In my personal life, I meet all sorts of people.  Some people are easy and fun to be around… I can spend hours with them, talking about things, laughing about things, and just genuinely enjoying their company.  Being around them doesn’t require effort and I don’t want anything from them.  I would have just as much fun driving in the car with them and chatting as I would doing something “exciting.”

On the other hand, there are people who I meet that immediately make me feel uncomfortable and defensive.  I feel like I have to constantly be  on my toes, choose my words carefully, and being around them is far from pleasurable.

Between those two extremes, there are all sorts of people who fall somewhere in the middle.

As a writer who talks about dating and relationships, what has always amazed me when it comes to relationships is how people completely disregard compatibility.  They describe what it’s like to be with their guy and it almost sounds like they’re talking about their arch-enemy… there is no comfort, no trust, no compatibility.

Sometimes the relationship started out well and then over time disintegrated into something that resembles resentment and abuse rather than love or respect.  Sometimes the relationship was never good to begin with, but the woman wants me to show her “relationship magic” to “make it work.”  This is what I equate to trying to shove a square peg through a round hole.

Personally, I needed to date around and experience several relationships before I had a good understanding of what I really wanted, valued, and resonated with in a relationship.  In my late teens and early twenties, for example, I knew that I wanted a girl that had a hot, fit body and a beautiful face.

Now, in my thirties, I realize how much I value having a woman who really “gets” me… a woman that I can talk to for hours every day and never feel bored… a woman who I can laugh with for hours and hours on end… a woman that I know how to be there for and who knows how to be there for me.

It took me a while to figure that out. When I realized it, I mentally revisited my past relationships and realized something very important that I want to pass along to you…

When I think of relationships that didn’t work out for me in the past (ones where I wanted things to work out and I got dumped), I realize that the woman I was with at the time was never going to be that woman with me.  Even if she wanted it to work.

I can clearly see now, years later after all the emotion and attachment is completely gone, we never would have reached that level of intimacy that is ultimately valuable to me in a relationship.

I couldn’t see past my attachment to those relationships, though, or past my blind desire to make things work because I didn’t want to fail, I didn’t want to be rejected, and I didn’t want to lose someone.

All those emotions have nothing to do with love or compatibility.  They’re just fear, ego, and a false sense of identifying with relationship success.

Real relationship success is not about making a relationship with someone work when, at your core, you and him are ultimately incompatible.  It can be hard to see if you’re blinded by fears of loss, self-doubt and relationship fantasies that you want to come true…

The thing to realize is that people with great relationships don’t have the great relationships because they know great relationship secrets or psychological loopholes of the male mind.  Fundamentally, people in the best relationships all have one thing in common: they don’t have relationships with people who are not a good match for them.  They don’t let them into their life.

And what’s the easiest way to know if they’re a good match or not?  Plain and simple – how do you feel about yourself when you’re with that person? Do you feel better about yourself?  About life? About the things that upset you?

Or… do you feel insecure?  Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells?  Do you feel like you’re suffocating… holding your breath in anticipation of a relationship that you desperately want to come into existence but always seems just out of reach?  Helpless, powerless, and afraid they’ll do something to hurt you?

How you feel with the person you’re with is the best indication of whether you’re with someone who’s compatible or not. How much you want it to work is the worst indicator of a good relationship (in fact, usually the people who tell me how desperately they want something to work are highlighting how incompatible they really are from their partner)

2. Attraction:

The guy you’re into has to be sexually attracted to you. This is not a radical claim, it’s just fact. If he doesn’t feel a sense of biological, physical attraction to you, then nothing else I say will matter. His physical attraction isn’t the end-all be-all of his desire to be with you, but it is a required foundation.

That’s the bad news… if you want to call it that. The good news is that some of the most powerful seductresses the world has ever known were not the most beautiful.

My advice is to strive to be as attractive as you possibly can, and fortunately, this is largely in your control. And for the things you can’t control…. own it.

Too many women kill their attractiveness by walking around with insecurities and no self-esteem because they feel that something about their appearance is flawed and they’ll never be good enough to attract the man they really want.

Whatever your supposed fault is, I can guarantee that your self-doubt is far more unattractive. Nobody is perfect and no man demands or expects perfection. But those who own their imperfections are massively more attractive than those who do not or cannot.

There is definitely something attractive about a woman who owns her imperfections and is totally OK with them. Conversely, being insecure is a massive energy drain to you and the people around you. Insecurity stinks of desperation and desperation kills attraction.

So change what you can to be sexier and more physically alluring and appealing. Spend more time at the gym, eat healthier, learn how to apply makeup to enhance your best features, train your voice to be pleasant and seductive (tape recording yourself works wonders), master attractive body language and facial expressions, dress to flatter your figure, you get the point.  And that which you can’t change… own it.

3. Reach Him Deeply


What makes you irreplaceable in the eyes of your man? Your ability to reach deep into the depths of who he is and inspire him. To put it more bluntly, you must offer something that is much more rare and valuable than sex if you want him to treat you as something important in his life. I mean… duh, right?  And yet this obvious truth gets distorted and overlooked.

Ask yourself: what are you bringing to the table besides a physical hookup that he values deeply?

Sex is readily available. Having it isn’t enough to make a relationship and withholding it isn’t enough to cast some kind of “love spell” on a guy (maybe it worked 100 years ago, but withholding sex till X date is just plain obsolete now….he’ll just go somewhere else).

Men have a deep unconscious fear that their life, their contribution to the world and their existence is pointless, meaningless, and insignificant. At the same time, every man has hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

And here’s the major lesson: In order for a man to feel truly alive and truly fulfilled, he needs to be pursuing his deepest aspiration and his “mission” in life.  Your ultimate gift as a woman is to inspire him to do that, to realize his ultimate potential as a man.

4. Put Energy Into the Right Places

Creating the foundation for a strong, healthy relationship comes down tot putting energy into the right places. Worrying and stressing is not putting energy into the right places.

If you’re still stuck in feeling needy and out of control, you’re not going to see the necessity of bringing that value to the relationship because you’ll still be fixated on your own worries, your fears, your insecurities. And with that fixation, you won’t be able to put energy into the relationship, you’ll have wasted all your energy needlessly worrying about stuff.

I understand that after you’ve been continually hurt and disappointed by men using you, you may have formed some insecurities and frustration around relationships. But in the end, those emotions do nobody a favor – they repel men, they waste your energy, and they make everyone miserable.

The only way to get out of that cycle and move towards building a firm foundation that leads to a good relationship is to find your own self-love and fulfillment independent of a relationship.

Remember: a relationship will never fill an emotional void, complete you, or “make you” happy. You have to show up to a relationship “whole” and happy already. If you show up “broken,” the guy will either leave or you’ll attract the type of guy who will take advantage of you… then leave.

The energy you put into the relationship is the only thing that matters. Putting energy doesn’t come from a self-absorbed place, it isn’t attached to feelings of anxiety, fear, worry, anger, rage, resentment. You are outside of yourself and putting energy into giving him that “extra something” that makes you valuable, rare, and inspirational to the guy.

I don’t care if you like it.  I don’t care if you think it’s fair or unfair. It is a simple truth that people value those who bring a unique, special, meaningful value to the table.   If you honestly think that you can have a man want to choose you and only you forever without bringing something deeply valuable to him… then you’re either choosing very low quality men or you just haven’t thought through reality yet.

Sex is not enough. And loving him the way you want to be loved is not enough either. When it comes to him choosing you, you have to love him in the way that’s deeply meaningful to him. Your energy would be better spent figuring out what this is rather than worrying about him leaving you.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Recipes for Making Up, Shacking Up and Getting It On

It is a cliche for a reason, the idea that the way to our hearts is through our stomachs. When someone cooks for you, it is a sign of nurturing that indicates we care.

The first boyfriend I ever lived with had a fridge was stocked with a stale half eaten box of pastries, and half a bottle of old wine when we met. As it turned out, his parents had fixated so much on directing his focus to his studies, that he never learned to care for himself at all. No laundry, no meals. At 28, he had a pile of laundry the size of king kong and ordered from restaurants for literally every meal that wasn’t prepared by his mother.

When I accidentally burned his eggs doused in maple syrup, he raved with incredulity that you “couldn’t get this in any restaurant,” scarfing it down in seconds. His favorite meal happened to be the first I ever learned to cook that my parents fell in love over and had dueling recipes for; spaghetti bolognese. He delighted in learning each step and insisted on preparing all the ingredients as he watched them all come together in the pot. He covered all of the chopping, dicing, ralphing from eating raw onion skin… the works. In gratitude, he would even graciously insist on doing the dishes; resulting in a lovingly chipped collection of dishware that we shared together. It was one of my favorite parts of our entire relationship.

happy couple have a romantic date in a fine dining restaurant th

Years later, I found myself travelling across the continent in a heroic attempt to save a relationship. When I arrived, I presented my White Bean Dream, a recipe I had been given from a food blogger when I had been tasked with writing about food for a lifestyle website. It included hand pressed white bean patties with diced jalapeno pepper and home-made pico de gallo; it had been his favorite meal that I once nearly lost a finger preparing. He thought the gesture of kicking him out of his kitchen and bleeding on his chopping blocks to be endearing. So naturally it was my go-to joint for a love-saving mission. I followed it with his favorite chocolate pretzels and sliced fruit in Greek yogurt in mugs covered in whipped cream.

Enchant Your Partner with Ease

How are your flirting skills? Have you ever tried to lure your partner in with enchantment?


The enchantresses in the legends of King Arthur brought balance to a society ruled by male domination. Through their seductive, female magic they magnetized the men of Camelot– the King’s warriors set aside their brutish behavior and broke their backs to court these women. They acted with chivalry in the hopes of earning a smidgen of feminine admiration and tender, female affection.

You, too, can be a modern-day enchantress and inspire a man to honor the laws of chivalry in your relationship. You can magnetize and hypnotize the men you are dating by embracing the power a woman has when creating intimacy with a man!

By having the right energy around a man and using the right words and body language when interacting with him, you can ignite long-lasting flames of passion in his susceptible heart!

Here are 3 ways you can be a more seductively intimate woman and effortlessly enchant men:

1. MAGNETIZE HIM WITH YOUR SOFT SIDE

When a modern enchantress is with a man, she no longer is the power-playing professional or the multi-tasking, in-charge mother of three children—she is a leaf on the river.

To be a leaf on the river, you slow down, set aside all strategies and ideas you have about how to ‘hook a man’, and just go with the flow of the moment when with men. You take deep breaths, sit back, feel soft inside, warm in your heart and just enjoy the memories created by chemistry and romantic connection.

An enchantress is a master at ‘just being’. She knows how to feel feminine and vulnerable around a man and can relax into that vulnerability. She doesn’t try to improve upon the relationship or scramble to seal the bond. She doesn’t fill in all the awkward silences when with him or struggle to make his experiences, when around her, more enjoyable.

She just lets the moments unfold as they will. She allows a man to come forward at his own pace, and she lets him nurture her with HIS attention and affection.

An enchantress knows that her soft side is ALWAYS open to receiving. See, many of us women can’t receive. We complain about our loneliness and unmet needs and we desperately want areal man to come in and sweep us off our feet, but we have to do our part to achieve this. We have to have feminine energy to attract masculine energy.

Many of us have a hard time doing absolutely nothing but being available to a man’s advances. We want to do what we do best: bring the woman we are at our job and our mothering energy into the room so that we can fix, control, and manage the relationship at the pace we want and in the amount of time we want.

An enchantress is sexy because she never attempts this.  She knows that desperately wrapping herself into a pretzel to get what she wants when she wants it from a man actually gives a man too much power over her heart and life force.

She is a goddess who has an unwavering, tranquil, slow-paced energy about her that invites calm, love, sensuality, cuddles, tenderness and soft, sweet connection.

2. LISTEN WELL TO HOOK HIM

An enchantress can draw out a man’s vulnerability within minutes. She knows how to make him feel nervous and safe, at the same time.   She can make him feel so honored to be in her presence that he feels unnerved, while at the same time, she can make him feel so emotionally safe that he will open up entirely with her about his life.

The best way to make a man feel unnerved yet safe enough to expose his secrets is to listen to him at the right moments! This is so important.

When you are with a man, try to really hear what he says to you. Don’t speak over him, don’t glance down at your phone, don’t let your thoughts drift, don’t promise him you are listening when you are doing two other things at the same time, etc.

There are so many ways in which our minds keep us from connecting with other people. An enchantress uses her female energy to be in the moment and not a victim of her mental energy.

Ever go to a psychologist? Know how they sit calmly in front of you, looking at you and waiting for you to speak? They are inviting your feelings and thoughts out into the open. They are acting like vessels into which you can place your feelings and thoughts.

An enchantress does the same thing with a man— she draws a man toward her through her capacity to hear and HOLD his feelings and thoughts. She LISTENS to his soul as his mouth speaks.

You must clear your thoughts and open your heart to do this. You have to drop what you are doing and fully listen with your ears, heart, mind, and body.

3. SEDUCE HIM WITH TOUCH

If you gently touch a man when you feel extra connected to him– in moments when he has touched your heart with wonderful laughter or deep empathy– it can show him that his feelings matter to you and that his intentions have landed with your heart.

Don’t touch him too often and don’t use touch to force a connection. Just touch him in key moments, and make your touch a gift to him to show him that you are available to the connection.

When you can use your touch to show him that you both are “on the same page” and are “in tune” physically, spiritually and emotionally, love will start to brew in his heart and he won’t understand why but he will know it’s real.

Love is about deep intimacy that’s created in the space between two lovers. A highly intimate woman is always going to know the best way to use her caresses to bridge that space and fill it with understanding, desire and compassion.

Enchantresses of old were masters at using their feminine energy to magnetize men. They understood that men wanted desperately to feel brave, honored, respected and supported.  These knights also wanted to feel soothed and calmed inside through the power of a woman’s serene and sensuous love. Enchantresses were able to use all this knowledge about a man’s needs to hypnotize and magentize them during intimate moments.

Enchantresses are able to get strong, pridefilled men to step up and honor them.  They got these knights in shing armor to respect and tend to their female feelings and needs without doing much more than just sitting back and channeling their soft, seductive, connected sexy side.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Love Advice You Can Ignore

Do you seek a lot of advice from friends and family about your relationship? Naij shares 7 common love phrases you can throw out of your vocabulary and stop listening to!


Everybody has one thing or another to share when it comes to love and relationship but not all advice are meant to be followed. People give advice according to their experience but it will not necessarily work for you the way it worked for them.

Let us take a look at seven love advice that you should think twice about:

1. Forgive and forget: Yes, forgiveness is a very important aspect of every relationship, but this is usually easier said than done, especially the part about forgetting. When you have been hurt, letting-go takes time and you never forget.

If you try to rush this process, you will end up finding that all you did was sweep everything under the carpet and soon after, things will only blow up in your face. Take your time, talk it out with your partner and do not rush so that when you do forgive, you forgive for real.

2. Love conquers all: Love conquers a lot of things, no doubt, but it does not conquer every single thing you will face in your relationship. With some issues, only patience, time and maturity or even a breakup will help you solve it.

A lot of people are in relationships that are not working out simply because they stubbornly believe that just because they are in love, everything should be okay. You need to recognize the things that love is incapable of dealing with and work on them with what is needed.

Marriage couple marital problems in bed. Sex problem or other. W

3. Never go to bed angry: This advice is basically saying you must solve all problems and deal with every argument all within the day. Frankly, this is just impossible. Sometimes, some problems need time to be solved.

Sometimes, all you need is a break, to sleep on your argument and get some much needed space for things to get better. If you have a time limit on all your fights, a lot of things will not be tackled and at the end of the day, you will say good night when you know you are not really at peace with yourself and your relationship.

Build Your Relationship on Communication

Building a strong relationship takes time and mutual effort. The Cornerstone of success starts witht he way you connect and communicate.


You likely don’t need to be convinced that communication is foundational to a great marriage. If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know how hard it can be to understand that person to whom you’ve pledged your life. You’ve seen molehills transformed into mountains because of miscommunication and misunderstood. You’ve experienced the frustration of feeling like you’re not being heard.

If a couple knows how to talk to and listen to one another with understanding and respect, there are few problems that can’t be overcome. On the flip side, when the communication skills are lacking, it doesn’t take much to break a marriage.As you evaluate your own relationship, here are some things to focus on.

Communication Begins with Listening

If you’ve ever tried to talk to someone who just wouldn’t listen, you know it doesn’t work too well. Instead of creating understanding and connection, it produces frustration and isolation.

All of us, men and women, have got to learn to listen patiently. It isn’t easy though. Sometimes we assume we understand what our mate is saying, and instead of really listening to them when they are talking, we spend the whole time plotting our response. We mentally shoot down points that they may not even be making, and we miss their point entirely.

My spouse deserves to be heard. I need to fight the temptation to “know what she is going to say.” I must be quiet, stop and listen to her – and I don’t just mean physical quietness, either. I need to refrain from mentally rehearsing my argument and really give her my full attention and focus. My undivided attention validates who she is and conveys my respect for her feelings. It gives her a sense of value, and it fosters co-operation, rather than competition, between us.

In many couples there is one person who is more verbal than the other. Two thirds of the time the woman is more verbal than the man, but sometimes it is the man who talks more. It is especially important for the talker to learn good listening skills and to give your mate the time to talk. If you feel like your spouse isn’t communicative enough, make sure you’re giving them a chance to open up. If you are filling the air with words, your spouse won’t be able to share unless they are willing to fight for “air time”. That isn’t likely to happen, and instead it drives them deeper into privacy.

If you want to improve the communication in your marriage, start here. Invite your spouse to share what’s going on in their heart. Shut everything else out – the TV, the computer, the phone – and focus on them, resisting the urge to pass judgment or argue. Keep an open mind and hear out their perspective.

Make the Effort to Truly Understand

How many times have you and your spouse had an argument, only to discover that the fight could have been avoided if you had truly taken the time to understand one another? My wife and I have had times where, as we worked through an area of disagreement, we discovered that we didn’t really disagree at all…we only thought we disagreed because we were too impatient to fully understand one another.

Too often we’re just listening to the words and not really to the heart. We have to listen to the whole message. There needs to be a clear commitment to listening to what my spouse is trying to say, and to be a safe environment in which they can share their deepest feelings.

The key word here is empathy – where I’m trying to see what it‘s like to look at life through their eyes. Sure, my viewpoint is so clear to me and my position seems so right, and I’ve got my points that I want to make in this discussion. But winning the argument can’t be what it’s about. As it says in Phil. 2:3-4, “look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” We’ve got to work hard to empathize; to see life from our spouse’s perspective. And when we do that, we can connect so much better because we’re stepping into their world. It feels so good to be understood.

We need to listen with more than just with our ears; we really need to go below the surface. Researchers estimate that 65% or more of our communication is non-verbal. Paying attention to body language and your spouse’s actions will help you grasp what they mean by the words they say. And the more our spouse senses that we are truly hearing them, the more secure they will feel to continue sharing at deeper levels.

The deeper we go, the more intimate the relationship becomes. A good marriage is one in which the couple is continuously growing in transparent disclosure. We need to seek to understand our spouse to their core. Rather than growing complacent or trying to fit them into your own mould, put in the effort to get to their heart. Just listen and let them express who they are. As you get to know their heart, you’ll likely grow in your desire to be with them.

Authenticity and Sensitivity

If we want to grow in our marital intimacy, it requires that we be authentic with one another. There is no place for deceit or dishonesty within marriage. The intimacy we are pursuing is one in which we are fully known, and yet fully loved.

Full transparency is risky, because it requires us to lay our heart bare for another to see. We fear sharing at this depth because there is a chance we will be rejected when the person sees us for who we really are. And that’s why it’s so critical to foster a sense of safety. My spouse needs to know that if she shares what’s really going on inside, I’m not going to reject her or drop the hammer on her. She also needs to know that she can take my words at face value and believe what I’m saying to her. If that trust doesn’t exist, then we have no communication.

Of course, if we are really being honest with one another, there are going to be times when we have to share our disappointments and frustrations towards one another. The key in these instances is to do it in a sensitive, positive way: to speak the truth in love. Truth should never be used to bash the other person, with the defence that “I’m just being truthful.” Truth need not be conveyed harshly; there is always a way to say things kindly. Ephesians 4:29 puts it like this: “Do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it might benefit all who listen.” We need to be gentle and use words that encourage one another, and remain open to working things through in an honest but positive way.

Forgiveness

Some couples are not on the same page because they haven’t worked through issues of forgiveness. It is impossible to develop meaningful communication in a marriage apart from a willingness to freely forgive one another. Every marriage goes through tough times, and if we are going to pull through those things we have to cut each other some slack and be willing to put things behind us.

Someone put it this way: If friendship is like the bricks in the wall of your marriage, understand that the mortar is forgiveness. Forgiveness is what holds the friendship together. I tell couples when I have the privilege to marry them, “There should be nobody in this world that you will be more patient with than the one whose hand you’re holding now at the altar.” But the funny thing is, I can be the most impatient and the most unforgiving with my spouse. I’ll be gracious to other people and everyone thinks that Dave’s such a nice guy. Meantime, I don’t cut my wife and kids the slack that they deserve and they’re the ones I love the most. It needs to be the opposite.

If you are reading this and you know there are issues between you and your spouse, look each other in the eye and say “You know, we want to move on from here. We want to work things out. We want to have a great marriage.” And to forgive feely is the real secret to that. Forgive as the Lord forgave you – completely and unconditionally. As you release your spouse, you’ll discover that it is a gift to yourself as much as it is to them.

Learning to communicate with your spouse is a lifelong process. There will be ups and downs – times when you’re clicking on all cylinders, and times when you feel worlds apart. But if you commit yourselves to working to understand one another, sharing yourselves transparently and forgiving through the hard times, you will have a strong foundation upon which to build a marriage that you love being a part of.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article