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Choosing a Woman Instead of a Man

by zfortadminin LOVE

Insightful of how one woman, Tatum O’Neal, crossed the bridge to finding pleasure and fulfillment in the intimate company of a woman.

Love and life are a continuum, ever expanding our knowledge, experiences and discovery of who we feel we truly are.

I went on my first date with a woman in the ’90s, after I got divorced from my husband. I was in my 30s then and knew that I was interested in women, but I was a little uncomfortable with it—I just couldn’t manage it. I remember there was one very boyish girl who liked me a lot, and she was so aggressive that it was too much for me. I experimented with women a lot during that time, but that was when I was in my drug phase, so I don’t really count it. I wasn’t clean, so I wasn’t really clear on what I was doing or what I wanted.

Now I’ve had a number of years of being present and clear, and that has changed everything in my life. It’s changed my relationships with my children, my relationship with work, my relationships with people, my relationship with myself. Now I’m clean and aware and alive and interested in the world, saying, “Dating women is exciting to me, and this is turning me on.”

I dated in the heterosexual world up until about four years ago, when I started thinking about dating women—just thinking about it. I was talking to my best friend Tracey Cunningham, the great hair colorist, and there were a couple of pretty girls working in her salon. I was looking at one of them, and I said, “I want to go on a date with her!”

I finally decided to pursue it last year. I went to a Super Bowl party hosted by Wallis Annenberg, right down the street from where I live in L.A., and I saw this hot, beautiful woman in her mid-30s serving drinks. She was kind of tough and sassy. I got her number and I think she called me, or I called her—I can’t remember—and we went on a date. We wound up dating for a couple of months, until she wanted it to be serious, but it was too soon for me. Then there was this actress I flirted with for a little bit, but I think she was with somebody else at the time. More recently I met this adorable girl through another acquaintance, and she and I were talking, FaceTiming and stuff, but she’s a little young for me. I’m not going to date so many 30-year-olds because there’s not enough life experience. I’m not just interested in sex, you know? There needs to be a little bit more to the relationship. But it’s still a whole new world for me. It’s exhilarating.

When you start dating women, people try to make it about choice, like you have to decide if you’re gay or not. People ask me, “Do you think it’s because men were hard on you when you were younger?” Or “Do you think you’ll never date another man?” I can’t really say for sure, because I haven’t been dating women for that long. It’s been a while since I dated a man, about two and a half years. In the physical sense, I’m not attracted to men right now at all. I had experiences with women prior to my marriage, and I had experiences after the divorce. But because I was raised in such a tough, masculine, male-oriented environment, it just didn’t even seem possible to date women seriously until I hit the determining age of half a century, which is when you figure out what you like and what you don’t—or at least I did. I’m not making a decision one way or the other, but I think that there is a softer, more gentle quality about women, and that’s what I’m attracted to.

I’m very private and I don’t go out much, so dating can be difficult. I don’t have one-night stands at all anymore, so unless somebody is meaningful to me, no one comes into my house, nor do I go into theirs. I imagine dating is going to be a bit easier for me now that I’ve said I like women, though—I’ve been getting a lot of messages on Instagram and Facebook from so many pretty girls. Which is awesome!

When I started dating women, my children never gave it a second thought. I think my having a man around would probably have been weird for them, having such a strong father. Their father was enough man for them, for all of us. I don’t mean that in a bad way; he’s just very macho, you know? My son Kevin, who recently wrote an amazing book, has been really supportive, as has my beautiful daughter, Emily, who’s an actress. We’re very open with each other. Emily and I were recently at an event in New York that was full of very straitlaced people, and she pointed to this photographer and said, “Mom, is that girl your type?” It just made me laugh. I said, “No, no, she’s a straight girl, honey.”

I’m not sure that I have a type. I don’t want to be so superficial to say that I’m looking for someone beautiful, but beauty is inside and out, it really is. She could be a brilliant scientist or a gorgeous model. It could be that my brain is just attracted to her brain. Sometimes I’m attracted to a woman who’s tall and skinny because that’s what I want to look like. I like women with a sense of self, a sense of strength. A good personality, good perfume. I would say that great style would be a factor. I’m a big believer that style is important, and I have been in love with fashion my entire life. What you wear is who you are, I’m afraid, and I’ve believed that from the time I wore a tuxedo to the Oscars at age 10. I am very feminine, at the end of the day. I have more girly stuff and more products than anyone else. And I definitely can’t be with anybody who’s after me for any kind of superficial reason. I’ve got a keen eye for those types.

Even though I’ve really dated only three women in my life, all of them have been important to me, and meaningful. They’ve made me realize that I can be strong enough to pursue what I want without worrying about what people will think. Part of this is about standing up to the structure that men have created in our country. I grew up in a household where my dad’s favorite sport was boxing, and I went to a ton of boxing matches where men pummeled each other for money and then ended up with MS or brain damage. There wasn’t a lot of women’s empowerment in my childhood. Hollywood, just like politics, is still very male-dominated. It’s getting better, but we’re not there yet—for action heroes, there’s one Sandra Bullock to 10 Will Smiths, you know? Women choosing whom they want to sleep with is just a piece of it. I want women to have the best of it—to have bigger voices and run studios and be able to do whatever they want. I want my daughter to have a world where her word is as valid and as meaningful and as important as any man’s.

I’ve never really had any gay women icons—maybe I’ll be the next gay icon! What’s new for me is figuring out how beautiful and honest women can be with each other and how there’s a different closeness than you’ll have with any man. I hope I’ll inspire women to experiment more and try dating women if they want to. If I can help a little girl who feels trapped to come out—oh, my gosh, that would mean the world to me. There are a lot of people who might be interested in dating someone outside of what is expected for their gender, but there’s so much judgment around it from family and friends. Society gives younger women—and men, for that matter—so little choice.

Curated by Timothy
Original Article

How Millennials View Sex

by zfortadminin Sex

Willing to reject labels altogether?

We live in a new era and new ways of discovering ourselves and our world around sex.
Do you feel comfortable with this or do you feel like a fish learning how to swim in new waters.

Here is a perspective of how millennials view sex.

Bisexual, pansexual, demiromantic, aromantic — the sexual identities with which people label themselves continue to become more diverse and more mainstream. But think back to the days long, long ago, when conversations about sexuality were typically limited to gay or straight and maybe, once in a while, bisexual. (Yawn, am I right?)

So what is it about millennials, who are both open to sexual fluidity and willing to reject labels altogether?

Curated by Timothy
Original Article

I Didn’t Die: How Love Might Finally Find You

by Alexandra Norrisin LOVE

For once, I had been completely honest on a date, put myself out there and hold on for this revelation: I DIDN’T DIE!

Fear is an interesting instinct. The best description I have heard has compared fear to an alarm clock. When it goes off, we have the choice to wake up and deal with what’s next, or to hit the snooze button and ignore it, especially when it comes to fear felt on a date. Let’s talk about it.

It is 2012. I am moving and shaking and feeling life, like really feelin’ it. I had good friends I would visit in Montreal every other weekend, I was living in my favorite neighborhood in Toronto I had grown up wishing to one day live in, and I was finally in what felt like the right lane with my ambitions. I think the key factor to make note of is that I was present. I woke up and felt life and interacted with it.

I had recently got up the gumption to confront a peer that I’d had a crush on. We had a fleeting connection that I had become consumed by. At a work conference, we formed a unit of colleagues that would hold court while others came and went about their days and stopped in to say hello. While waiting on the friend who I’d been staying with, I was caught off guard with an offer to stay with the object of my “Are-you-kidding-me? Never-going-to-happen-in-your-teenage-loins’-dreams” affection in his hotel room above the bar we’d been ruling.

The phrase “C’mon, you wanna get out of here?” was uttered. I stammered out something about how the hotel has trundle bed style cots you can have delivered to the room.

“It’s ok, I have a really big bed, you can just stay with me” he responded, kindly, without assumption. I must have been having an out of body experience. You must understand, this is the equivalent to a Backstreet Boy, the middle Hanson brother and/or Steven Tyler of Aerosmith asking me to the prom. Why yes, I did grow up in the 90s with some questionable musical influences. How could you tell?

Back at the conference; I bargain that we should check at the front desk for the trundle bed option. He complies in a most gentlemanly fashion, and meanders around the elevators while I inquire. After a brief interaction with the receptionist, I pivot around to see him, rather nonchalantly, asking for the outcome.

“They say they’re out of cots” I report, trying to mask the re-awakening of my adolescence. He nods and turns for the elevators. I almost blacked out on the way to his room. Then with trepidation crawled onto the very edge of the bed, fully clothed, with the TV on; and fell asleep as frigid as a flagpole in January. I wanted something more than whatever a confusing end of night rendezvous could provide. The next morning, he graciously offered to have me stay with him any other night. I returned two nights later, but it was even less eventful, if even a bit awkward. I felt myself losing my window.

Following this encounter, I would be out of town for several weeks. I would try to create work opportunities to keep in touch while I was away. My crush only grew stronger as the time away pressed on. When I returned, we made plans that later evolved into a party and it was increasingly apparent that the window of opportunity I had mentioned, was now in another building altogether by now. Still, that fear-based alarm clock was now on it’s fifth cycle and I couldn’t keep hitting snooze.

Finally, we shared a cab ride home. In a way, what I was working up to, was making up for every crush I’d stowed away for the last 20 years. Throw in as far back as my summer camp counselor crush, Neal; who liked Vanilla Ice. When of course I learned every word to ‘Ice, Ice, Baby’ (still permanently imprinted on my memory); and negged him (is this mooned or danced naked??) from a swimming pool. From Neal until now, there was a boatload of suppressed hormones to contend with so this became my moment to unburden myself.

“I have to confess something to you.” I blurted out.

I steeled myself and poured my heart out with my confession of the crush I’d been holding onto since he had me, before we had met, to be perfectly truthful. I could feel him bracing himself, which was obviously not a great sign. I poured my heart out. My crush very politely collected my heart in an imaginary glass bowl and handed it back to me. I had clearly colored the back the cab in a particular shade of awkward. He acknowledged that there was perhaps a moment between us, but for all I know, he was just being kind. He insisted on paying for the whole cab fare and dropped me off on the way to his apartment.

As I stepped out of the cab and walked up to my place, I had a slight sense of being embarrassed and crestfallen; however that was quickly overshadowed by a feeling of being ALIVE. I could feel myself vibrating with the electricity. For once, I had been completely honest, put myself out there and hold on for this revelation: I DIDN’T DIE!

Soon thereafter, one of the cool people who passed by us as we were holding court back at that first conference ended up being one of the people on my list of exciting new friends to visit on my next trip out of town. With this electric sense of self-confidence, I thought nothing of it when we made plans to meet up, other than sheer excitement to see a newly familiar and warm face. As the clock ticked away into well-past turning-into-a-pumpkin o’clock it began to occur to me that this was someone I had chemistry with. The window opened.

“Would you like me to kiss you?” He asked. I shut the window immediately with a fumble, clumsy yes-but-no. I managed to keep it open a crack, setting up plans together to meet again soon. By the next time I saw him, I wedged the window up and leaned out. I stuck my head out and opened my eyes wide and he stared right back. “Hi!” We both clicked.

I am confident I never would have fully made that connection and been open for it in such a complete way had I not woken myself up in the back of that cab.  It lifted a cloak of bleak, grey fear that held me down from making any real choices in my relationships. Until then, I just went with the flow of what made me feel least rejected and safest. It was terrifying, and invigorating. It was perhaps the first time I felt the raw truth with someone. I stopped hitting snooze.

Build Your Relationship on Communication

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Building a strong relationship takes time and mutual effort. The Cornerstone of success starts witht he way you connect and communicate.

You likely don’t need to be convinced that communication is foundational to a great marriage. If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know how hard it can be to understand that person to whom you’ve pledged your life. You’ve seen molehills transformed into mountains because of miscommunication and misunderstood. You’ve experienced the frustration of feeling like you’re not being heard.

If a couple knows how to talk to and listen to one another with understanding and respect, there are few problems that can’t be overcome. On the flip side, when the communication skills are lacking, it doesn’t take much to break a marriage.As you evaluate your own relationship, here are some things to focus on.

Communication Begins with Listening

If you’ve ever tried to talk to someone who just wouldn’t listen, you know it doesn’t work too well. Instead of creating understanding and connection, it produces frustration and isolation.

All of us, men and women, have got to learn to listen patiently. It isn’t easy though. Sometimes we assume we understand what our mate is saying, and instead of really listening to them when they are talking, we spend the whole time plotting our response. We mentally shoot down points that they may not even be making, and we miss their point entirely.

My spouse deserves to be heard. I need to fight the temptation to “know what she is going to say.” I must be quiet, stop and listen to her – and I don’t just mean physical quietness, either. I need to refrain from mentally rehearsing my argument and really give her my full attention and focus. My undivided attention validates who she is and conveys my respect for her feelings. It gives her a sense of value, and it fosters co-operation, rather than competition, between us.

In many couples there is one person who is more verbal than the other. Two thirds of the time the woman is more verbal than the man, but sometimes it is the man who talks more. It is especially important for the talker to learn good listening skills and to give your mate the time to talk. If you feel like your spouse isn’t communicative enough, make sure you’re giving them a chance to open up. If you are filling the air with words, your spouse won’t be able to share unless they are willing to fight for “air time”. That isn’t likely to happen, and instead it drives them deeper into privacy.

If you want to improve the communication in your marriage, start here. Invite your spouse to share what’s going on in their heart. Shut everything else out – the TV, the computer, the phone – and focus on them, resisting the urge to pass judgment or argue. Keep an open mind and hear out their perspective.

Make the Effort to Truly Understand

How many times have you and your spouse had an argument, only to discover that the fight could have been avoided if you had truly taken the time to understand one another? My wife and I have had times where, as we worked through an area of disagreement, we discovered that we didn’t really disagree at all…we only thought we disagreed because we were too impatient to fully understand one another.

Too often we’re just listening to the words and not really to the heart. We have to listen to the whole message. There needs to be a clear commitment to listening to what my spouse is trying to say, and to be a safe environment in which they can share their deepest feelings.

The key word here is empathy – where I’m trying to see what it‘s like to look at life through their eyes. Sure, my viewpoint is so clear to me and my position seems so right, and I’ve got my points that I want to make in this discussion. But winning the argument can’t be what it’s about. As it says in Phil. 2:3-4, “look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” We’ve got to work hard to empathize; to see life from our spouse’s perspective. And when we do that, we can connect so much better because we’re stepping into their world. It feels so good to be understood.

We need to listen with more than just with our ears; we really need to go below the surface. Researchers estimate that 65% or more of our communication is non-verbal. Paying attention to body language and your spouse’s actions will help you grasp what they mean by the words they say. And the more our spouse senses that we are truly hearing them, the more secure they will feel to continue sharing at deeper levels.

The deeper we go, the more intimate the relationship becomes. A good marriage is one in which the couple is continuously growing in transparent disclosure. We need to seek to understand our spouse to their core. Rather than growing complacent or trying to fit them into your own mould, put in the effort to get to their heart. Just listen and let them express who they are. As you get to know their heart, you’ll likely grow in your desire to be with them.

Authenticity and Sensitivity

If we want to grow in our marital intimacy, it requires that we be authentic with one another. There is no place for deceit or dishonesty within marriage. The intimacy we are pursuing is one in which we are fully known, and yet fully loved.

Full transparency is risky, because it requires us to lay our heart bare for another to see. We fear sharing at this depth because there is a chance we will be rejected when the person sees us for who we really are. And that’s why it’s so critical to foster a sense of safety. My spouse needs to know that if she shares what’s really going on inside, I’m not going to reject her or drop the hammer on her. She also needs to know that she can take my words at face value and believe what I’m saying to her. If that trust doesn’t exist, then we have no communication.

Of course, if we are really being honest with one another, there are going to be times when we have to share our disappointments and frustrations towards one another. The key in these instances is to do it in a sensitive, positive way: to speak the truth in love. Truth should never be used to bash the other person, with the defence that “I’m just being truthful.” Truth need not be conveyed harshly; there is always a way to say things kindly. Ephesians 4:29 puts it like this: “Do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it might benefit all who listen.” We need to be gentle and use words that encourage one another, and remain open to working things through in an honest but positive way.

Forgiveness

Some couples are not on the same page because they haven’t worked through issues of forgiveness. It is impossible to develop meaningful communication in a marriage apart from a willingness to freely forgive one another. Every marriage goes through tough times, and if we are going to pull through those things we have to cut each other some slack and be willing to put things behind us.

Someone put it this way: If friendship is like the bricks in the wall of your marriage, understand that the mortar is forgiveness. Forgiveness is what holds the friendship together. I tell couples when I have the privilege to marry them, “There should be nobody in this world that you will be more patient with than the one whose hand you’re holding now at the altar.” But the funny thing is, I can be the most impatient and the most unforgiving with my spouse. I’ll be gracious to other people and everyone thinks that Dave’s such a nice guy. Meantime, I don’t cut my wife and kids the slack that they deserve and they’re the ones I love the most. It needs to be the opposite.

If you are reading this and you know there are issues between you and your spouse, look each other in the eye and say “You know, we want to move on from here. We want to work things out. We want to have a great marriage.” And to forgive feely is the real secret to that. Forgive as the Lord forgave you – completely and unconditionally. As you release your spouse, you’ll discover that it is a gift to yourself as much as it is to them.

Learning to communicate with your spouse is a lifelong process. There will be ups and downs – times when you’re clicking on all cylinders, and times when you feel worlds apart. But if you commit yourselves to working to understand one another, sharing yourselves transparently and forgiving through the hard times, you will have a strong foundation upon which to build a marriage that you love being a part of.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Single Ladies Bucket List

by zfortadminin LOVE

Loving yourself and being close to your true desires is important before being in a committed relationship. What have you dreamed of doing?

All the single ladies! All the single ladies! You’ve got it as good as Queen Bey’s dance moves and, in the midst of all my wedding planning madness, I can’t help but be a little nostalgic for that time gone by. So, allow me to channel my inner Tony Robbins and preach for a minute on what every girl should do before letting someone put a ring on it… Should you decide that you would actually like someone to eventually put a ring on it.

1. Fall head over heels in love with the wrong guy.

As my grandma and Kelly Clarkson always say, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

2. Teach yourself to cook one thing really, really well.

My delicacy is microwaving a bowl of chocolate chips and peanut butter for the perfect length of time to make “Dessert Soup.” I don’t care what yours is, as long as you indulge your inner cavewoman and figure out how to put food on your own table (the Taco Bell drive-through does not count.)

3. Determine which clothes you can just plain wash, which go on the delicate cycle, and which have to be dry cleaned.

It will save you loads of heartache and money. #RIPGoldBikiniIPutInTheDryer

4. Chase your dream job.

You might feel like a puppy chasing its tail, but that’s better than simply chasing a man.

summer holidays, technology and beach concept - girls making self portrait on the beach

5. Travel with your girlfriends.

Spring break doesn’t count. Learn to say “kiss me” and “I have pepper spray” in a foreign language, and don’t be afraid to shout either.

6. Hang out with your mom.

Go through her closet instead of going shopping; her vintage hand-me-downs will be just as glam as any trend on Gilt, and a whole lot cheaper.

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Dakini Revealing the Wild Untamed Feminine Soul

by Kalistain Wellness

My passion is creating sacred sensual and erotic avant-garde art that honors the depth, “duende”, and shamanic power the feminine soul and beloved union. Deep hearted sensuous feminine creativity is an expression of Dakini wisdom. It’s not a logical linear way to awakening, evolution, or change, but instead opens and liberates the personal and cultural ‘mind/body’ through wild, untamed love, beauty, and mystery in every undulation.

This piece is called “Red Love”. Usually when I film, I’m expressing an embodiment that allows my individual persona to dissolve, and the embodiment to emerge and merge. This video however, is more personal. I’m looking deeply into the witness, revealing hidden secrets that now wants to be seen. Interestingly, as personal as this was, the finished art once again transcends me, into an feminine archetype of liberation.

Creative expression, especially empowered sensual feminine expression, is a powerful symbol of liberation. Not only of equal rights on a sociological scale, but of liberation on the Divine scale- to truly be our fullest potential. To have the freedom as a woman, psychologically, emotionally, and culturally to artistically and sensually express what is deepest and truest of her soul, without being shamed, beaten, or in some countries killed, is a torch of liberation. I feel every women, who has the freedom to express her light, and does so, illuminates the dark corners of our cultural psyche, as well as a path for others to express their sensuous hearts.

“Red Love”

Videography, Embodiment, Music and Editing: Kalista

 

Love Advice You Can Ignore

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Do you seek a lot of advice from friends and family about your relationship? Naij shares 7 common love phrases you can throw out of your vocabulary and stop listening to!

Everybody has one thing or another to share when it comes to love and relationship but not all advice are meant to be followed. People give advice according to their experience but it will not necessarily work for you the way it worked for them.

Let us take a look at seven love advice that you should think twice about:

1. Forgive and forget: Yes, forgiveness is a very important aspect of every relationship, but this is usually easier said than done, especially the part about forgetting. When you have been hurt, letting-go takes time and you never forget.

If you try to rush this process, you will end up finding that all you did was sweep everything under the carpet and soon after, things will only blow up in your face. Take your time, talk it out with your partner and do not rush so that when you do forgive, you forgive for real.

2. Love conquers all: Love conquers a lot of things, no doubt, but it does not conquer every single thing you will face in your relationship. With some issues, only patience, time and maturity or even a breakup will help you solve it.

A lot of people are in relationships that are not working out simply because they stubbornly believe that just because they are in love, everything should be okay. You need to recognize the things that love is incapable of dealing with and work on them with what is needed.

Marriage couple marital problems in bed. Sex problem or other. W

3. Never go to bed angry: This advice is basically saying you must solve all problems and deal with every argument all within the day. Frankly, this is just impossible. Sometimes, some problems need time to be solved.

Sometimes, all you need is a break, to sleep on your argument and get some much needed space for things to get better. If you have a time limit on all your fights, a lot of things will not be tackled and at the end of the day, you will say good night when you know you are not really at peace with yourself and your relationship.

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Enchant Your Partner with Ease

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

How are your flirting skills? Have you ever tried to lure your partner in with enchantment?

The enchantresses in the legends of King Arthur brought balance to a society ruled by male domination. Through their seductive, female magic they magnetized the men of Camelot– the King’s warriors set aside their brutish behavior and broke their backs to court these women. They acted with chivalry in the hopes of earning a smidgen of feminine admiration and tender, female affection.

You, too, can be a modern-day enchantress and inspire a man to honor the laws of chivalry in your relationship. You can magnetize and hypnotize the men you are dating by embracing the power a woman has when creating intimacy with a man!

By having the right energy around a man and using the right words and body language when interacting with him, you can ignite long-lasting flames of passion in his susceptible heart!

Here are 3 ways you can be a more seductively intimate woman and effortlessly enchant men:

1. MAGNETIZE HIM WITH YOUR SOFT SIDE

When a modern enchantress is with a man, she no longer is the power-playing professional or the multi-tasking, in-charge mother of three children—she is a leaf on the river.

To be a leaf on the river, you slow down, set aside all strategies and ideas you have about how to ‘hook a man’, and just go with the flow of the moment when with men. You take deep breaths, sit back, feel soft inside, warm in your heart and just enjoy the memories created by chemistry and romantic connection.

An enchantress is a master at ‘just being’. She knows how to feel feminine and vulnerable around a man and can relax into that vulnerability. She doesn’t try to improve upon the relationship or scramble to seal the bond. She doesn’t fill in all the awkward silences when with him or struggle to make his experiences, when around her, more enjoyable.

She just lets the moments unfold as they will. She allows a man to come forward at his own pace, and she lets him nurture her with HIS attention and affection.

An enchantress knows that her soft side is ALWAYS open to receiving. See, many of us women can’t receive. We complain about our loneliness and unmet needs and we desperately want areal man to come in and sweep us off our feet, but we have to do our part to achieve this. We have to have feminine energy to attract masculine energy.

Many of us have a hard time doing absolutely nothing but being available to a man’s advances. We want to do what we do best: bring the woman we are at our job and our mothering energy into the room so that we can fix, control, and manage the relationship at the pace we want and in the amount of time we want.

An enchantress is sexy because she never attempts this.  She knows that desperately wrapping herself into a pretzel to get what she wants when she wants it from a man actually gives a man too much power over her heart and life force.

She is a goddess who has an unwavering, tranquil, slow-paced energy about her that invites calm, love, sensuality, cuddles, tenderness and soft, sweet connection.

2. LISTEN WELL TO HOOK HIM

An enchantress can draw out a man’s vulnerability within minutes. She knows how to make him feel nervous and safe, at the same time.   She can make him feel so honored to be in her presence that he feels unnerved, while at the same time, she can make him feel so emotionally safe that he will open up entirely with her about his life.

The best way to make a man feel unnerved yet safe enough to expose his secrets is to listen to him at the right moments! This is so important.

When you are with a man, try to really hear what he says to you. Don’t speak over him, don’t glance down at your phone, don’t let your thoughts drift, don’t promise him you are listening when you are doing two other things at the same time, etc.

There are so many ways in which our minds keep us from connecting with other people. An enchantress uses her female energy to be in the moment and not a victim of her mental energy.

Ever go to a psychologist? Know how they sit calmly in front of you, looking at you and waiting for you to speak? They are inviting your feelings and thoughts out into the open. They are acting like vessels into which you can place your feelings and thoughts.

An enchantress does the same thing with a man— she draws a man toward her through her capacity to hear and HOLD his feelings and thoughts. She LISTENS to his soul as his mouth speaks.

You must clear your thoughts and open your heart to do this. You have to drop what you are doing and fully listen with your ears, heart, mind, and body.

3. SEDUCE HIM WITH TOUCH

If you gently touch a man when you feel extra connected to him– in moments when he has touched your heart with wonderful laughter or deep empathy– it can show him that his feelings matter to you and that his intentions have landed with your heart.

Don’t touch him too often and don’t use touch to force a connection. Just touch him in key moments, and make your touch a gift to him to show him that you are available to the connection.

When you can use your touch to show him that you both are “on the same page” and are “in tune” physically, spiritually and emotionally, love will start to brew in his heart and he won’t understand why but he will know it’s real.

Love is about deep intimacy that’s created in the space between two lovers. A highly intimate woman is always going to know the best way to use her caresses to bridge that space and fill it with understanding, desire and compassion.

Enchantresses of old were masters at using their feminine energy to magnetize men. They understood that men wanted desperately to feel brave, honored, respected and supported.  These knights also wanted to feel soothed and calmed inside through the power of a woman’s serene and sensuous love. Enchantresses were able to use all this knowledge about a man’s needs to hypnotize and magentize them during intimate moments.

Enchantresses are able to get strong, pridefilled men to step up and honor them.  They got these knights in shing armor to respect and tend to their female feelings and needs without doing much more than just sitting back and channeling their soft, seductive, connected sexy side.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Creating a Lasting Love

by zfortadminin LOVE

The Huffington Post takes a close look at creating a lasting, committed relationship last with 5 simple steps.

We don’t get to see what comes next.

We don’t see how they cope with the realities of life. We don’t see how they adjust to living together or what happens after the wedding and the honeymoon. Most of all, we don’t see how couples stay together, year after year, through raising kids, job losses, ill health, in-laws and all the other daily things that make up a life.

My first marriage lasted nine years and I ended up with three gorgeous boys. That first marriage taught me a lot, mostly what I didn’t want in a relationship. Then I was incredibly lucky to meet my current husband and we have been together happily defying the statistics for the past 23 years.

Second marriages often fail. Part of that is what Oprah calls “showing up wearing another pair of pants”. You haven’t worked through all your issues so you attract the same kind of person over and over until you finally get the lesson. The other part of that is the strain of blending two families together — it doesn’t always look like “The Brady Bunch.”

Our family kind of did look a bit like that as I had three sons and my partner had four daughters but that was where the similarity ended. It wasn’t all smiling faces and there was no “Alice, the housekeeper,” although I could have really used one of those!

What I learned was this — staying together takes work and commitment, which doesn’t sound very sexy but it’s the truth. What that looked like for us were these simple steps:

1. Be committed.

When the going gets tough (and it will get tough at times) be there for each other. It is easy to fall into blaming or pitching a fit but the best thing you can do is to talk it out.

I wasn’t good at this in the beginning. I figured that I had walked out on one marriage and I could do it again, I would survive (Cue Gloria Gaynor’s song “I will Survive” as the theme song for my life.) I slowly figured out that hanging on together was a much better option and talking things through made everyone feel happier.

2. Take time as a couple.

Making time to reconnect with each other every day, without the kids is the number one priority. Taking just half an hour to share what’s going on for each of you at the end of the day is a key strategy to a lasting relationship. The kids will take up all available time if you let them.

When we had five of them living with us, it would have been easy to focus just on them and we did give them all lots of attention. We also made it a point to spend time as a couple, especially at the end of the day and it is something we still do now that all the kids have left home.

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Unleashing your inner Wild W.O.M.A.N.

by Gina Cloudin Body, Mind, Wellness

I’ve promised to explore each of the letters in W.O.M.A.N, and so I want to begin with the “W,” wild.  When I speak of wild in all that I write, I am not speaking of the Girls Gone Wild, MTV version or the kind that emulates male promiscuity.  I speak of a primal wildness borne of the soul and rooted in our bodies.  It is a most crucial aspect of who we are as women, and sadly a place most never visit within themselves or share with another.  That other is the truly wild man (speaking as a heterosexual woman), and I’ll get to him a little bit later, but let’s focus on the Wild Woman for now.

As I often share from my life, I can speak about the Wild Woman from a place of deep personal knowing.  She is the creature that feeds and renews my soul, and always has been, even before I knew her name.  So often in my life people refer to me as a “creature,” and it always makes me smile, because it means that they can “see” that wildness in me, front and center.  There is a duality in us as women – a tenderness of heart and this wild creature.  We are socialized to love and treasure that heart, and burned at the stake when we celebrate the wildness.  As you read this, see if you can call up a memory, a time in your life that you felt truly free, alive and instinctual.  If you can, then you have known your Wild Woman.  But don’t despair if you haven’t.  She is and always has been with you.

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Of late, I’ve found myself ruminating on past relationships and realized that I have almost always let my heart, and not my Wild Woman choose my partners.  With the exception of one man, who was truly wild, they were not.  What I also realized is that because my Wild Woman was not part of that decision making process, but such a huge part of who Gina is, she ultimately was the one who made me move on.  I had not integrated her in my relationships, but she was fully present in my aloneness.  And so after what was usually several years, she would whisper or yell loudly, depending on my level of disconnect from her at the time, that she was bored and unfulfilled and would ultimately lead me out of every relationship of which she had not been a part from the beginning.  And then I would languish with her for a very long time in my aloneness.  This is part of the duality of which I speak.  Somehow we end up needing to be alone to feed her, and she will not go hungry, let me tell you!!!!!!  But having known one wild man, I know there are more.

Some women are afraid of their Wild Woman.  Many women experience her for the first time in dancing or in their sexuality.  Since society has tended to label us as promiscuous for enjoying our bodies and our sexuality (or witches!), most women subscribe to that in large or small part, and just send her packing.  But she will not be silenced for long.  For some reason in my own life, she has always been the voice I hear most clearly, and is the reason I crave freedom beyond all else.  I was never a woman who daydreamed about a wedding, and in actuality saw marriage as a prison for women.  I feel my wildness in my very core, and would rather be alone than to be with a man who is not truly wild.

So what is true wildness versus the idea that wildness equals naked bodies acting crazy?  We have all seen nature programs on TV.  When you watch wild cats or wolves stalk, hunt and devour their prey, you don’t judge them or call them bad.  You recognize that this is nature; natural, wild and pure,  that those animals are acting instinctually.  They don’t judge themselves or their actions.  They are simply free and true to what they are.  They live as their nature instructs them, through all of their senses.  They eat when hungry, sleep when moved to, have sex when it feels natural to.  They are naked and wild.  To live in harmony with our instincts and our senses, animated by our souls is what I speak of as wildness.
Does it make your heart race to see wild animals hunting one another?  Yes, but it is survival and it is part of being wild.

I love not knowing what I’m going to do next.  That might sound peculiar, but it’s the truth.  Living in total harmony with my Wild Woman means I don’t know what’s next.  I am a slave to the drives and hungers of my body most of the time, and what those are vary from day to day. Needless to say, being this way can scare people – men specifically.  My daughter also tells me that I scare her sometimes because I am unpredictable, though  not in a bad way.  What I have learned is that in honoring her, my Wild Woman, I can live, really live free.  Whenever I feel imprisoned in my life, it is because I have not fed and cared for Her.  And when I do, I am electric, fearless and attract-ive.

One of my favorite books is “Women Who Run With the Wolves,” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.  It is filled with stories about the various aspects of our instinctual natures as women.  She speaks of the duality of woman in this way: “Anyone close to a wildish woman is in fact in the presence of two women; an outer being and an interior criatura(creature), one who lives in the topside world, one who lives in the world not so easily seeable.  The outer being lives by the light of day and is easily observed.  She is often pragmatic, acculturated, and very human.  The criatura, however often travels to the surfaces from far away, often appearing and then as quickly disappearing, yet always leaving behind a feeling: something surprising, original, and knowing.”

She is the part of you that is inspired and unpredictable.  She is the part that draws people to you in an inexplicable and compulsive way.  They don’t know what it is about you, but they can’t take their eyes off of you.  She is the part that makes you feel comfortable in your own skin, especially when you are naked.  If you feel at all afraid of this part of yourself, please don’t!!  You must simply remember that she is YOU.  You can begin to get to know her at any time.  How?  It’s really very simple, as she requires little to feel fed.  Sensuality is a very big part of the Wild Woman, as it is in the animal kingdom.  Pay attention to how you move through space, what you smell, what you see, how things taste and feel, what you hear, and what you sense.  That sixth sense is so present in animals, and it is in woman as well.  Simply begin to explore it.  I suggest picking one sense a day and zeroing in on it as much as you can throughout the day, until you can begin to integrate all of them at once.  Eat with your hands.  There is something very sensual and primal about using your hands to put food into the mouth – yours or someone else’s. Let your hair down!  Seriously, if you tend to wear it up or control it with clips and bands, let it be free.  Try to stay as close to your natural state of beauty as possible.  For example, I have very curly hair, thanks to my ancestral gumbo.  When I have occasionally decided to wear my hair straight, I’ve found that I can’t take it.  It makes me feel contained and restrained!  I end up washing it by day’s end to get back my curls.  They are how I was born and they are a part of my integral wildness.  Find yours!  This may sound cliched, but take off your clothes and walk around naked.  Love your body as a woman’s shape, and let go of self-judgment about that size and shape.  Find some music that is dripping in percussion and dance to it until you are dripping in sweat. Move your hips, move your hips, move your hips!!!  They are the seat of a woman’s soul.   There is nothing like drums to bring you to your wildness and your primal truth.  And make sounds from your throat, especially when you are having sex, but when you are dancing, too.  When your hips are moving, let the sound move from your throat and past your lips.  Hips and lips are intimately connected.  A woman’s whose hips are free, can also express herself freely verbally.  There is an esoteric connection between the throat and the vagina.  To open them both is to achieve ecstacy – and to share it with your partner.  Estes offers this in her book: “The way to maintain one’s connection to the wild is to ask yourself what is it that YOU want.  This is the sorting of the seed from the dirt.  One of the most important discriminations we can make in this matter is the difference between things that beckon to us and things that call from our souls.”

There could not be a discussion about wildness in its true, primal sense, without sex being part of that.  To really express it, we must free ourselves in our sexual expression.  That means that we need to have a partner that respects and understands our sexuality.  If you are wild and free and he is not, then you will not be able to go where you would like to.  If your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries, or where you are  with your current sexual expression, it will not work.  Respect and trust in bed is primordial.  Be sure that you enforce your own boundaries, so that you can attempt to arrive at a place of no boundaries together.  Love and sex are unquestionably the best of all, as long as both lovers are free.  I really believe that love is a free spirit, and one must be free to embrace it, for the spirit of love dies in captivity.

And finally a few words about the Wild Man.  Not the promiscuous dog we all hear about.  Not the man addicted to pornography.  He is the Wild Woman’s mate, truly, and a very rare find.  I believe that men are looking for and long for him as much as we long to love and connect with our Wild Woman.  I just think they are lost and confused for the most part, as they are trapped in society’s imprisoning ideas of masculinity.  Here is what Clarissa Pinkola Estes says about the Wild Man: “We know that the creature, Wild Man, is seeking his own earthy woman.  Afeared or not, it is an act of deepest love to allow oneself to be stirred by the wildish soul of another.  In a world where humans are so afraid of “losing,” there are far too many protective walls against being dissolved in the numinosity of another human soul.  The mate for the wildish woman is the one who has a soulful tenacity and endurance, one who can send his own instinctual nature to peek under the tent of a woman’s soul-life and comprehend what he sees and hears there… so, the wildish task of the man is to find her true names, and not to misuse that knowledge to seize power over her, but rather to apprehend and comprehend the numinous substance from which she is made, to let it wash over him, amaze him, shock him, even spook him.  And to stay with it.  It will make her eyes shine.  It will make his eyes shine.”

We all know the expression that men are dogs.  Well, they are, but on a soul level, it’s a compliment.  Wild Man’s dog nature is his instinctual nature, that which allows him access to the Wild Woman.  Estes says, “It is the dog-self that learns to overcome superficial seductions and retain the most important knowings…the dog is one entire side of man’s dualistic nature.  He is the woods nature, the one who can track, who knows by sensing what is what”    (about Wild Woman.)

I’ve had these dreams lately about dogs.  I’m not much of a dreamer by night.  I think Carlos Casteneda would call me a stalker.  Usually I just crash.  My mind is so active by day, and so when I dream, I pay attention.  I’ve seen the dog nature of man in these dreams, and it’s not the colloquial slur.  They represented a deep love from the heart, a love that flows easily and long, forgives effortlessly and can fight to the death to protect you.  These are qualities that, to me, are very appealing in a man.

So find your Wild Woman.  Make regular dates with her.  Integrate her into the fullness of your life.  Let her scare you, but don’t walk away from her.   You can’t.  When we choose not to know Her, our lives fall apart and we lose touch with what it means to be a W.O.M.A.N.  Love her and let her love you.  She is pure, wild beauty.

If you’d like to take the first step to awakening your wild W.O.M.A.N., please join me for a 2-hour interactive webinar that will change your relationship to how you feel in your body, ELEVEN TOOLS TO HELP YOU LOVE THE BODY YOU LIVE IN.

And please share this post if it moved you…or made you feel like getting on all fours…

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With fierce, wild love,

Gina Cloud

Improve Your Love by Avoiding these Dating Pitfalls

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships are filled with twists and turns. But there are some common pitfalls you can avoid to be sure your relationship is strong and deepens. 

Millions of couples endure the nightmare of relationship breakdown every year and the divorce rate shows no sign of slowing. It seems that many people find it very difficult to form lasting, happy relationships and here are 5 common mistakes that kill relationships. Get rid of them from your relationship and you’ll enjoy a happier love life.

1. Without doubt, the single worst way to spoil your relationship is to be argumentative because you need to be right. This is DEADLY. Argumentative people will argue to the nth degree until they “win” about everything and anything. They will not listen and consider their partner’s viewpoints and will rarely if ever compromise. Any criticism, even if fair and justified will be met with defensive and sometimes angry responses as the need to be right overrides the need to compromise and improve the relationship. Try not to get into silly, futile arguments and remember that winning arguments isn’t the objective, but what is best for your relationship – if you want it to last.

2. Respect for each is absolutely fundamental. This means accepting and loving your partner for the wonderful, unique human being they are. However, many people actually believe they “own” their partner, and expect them to conform in ways they deem appropriate. This is more like slavery than love! Your partner is not your private property, they certainly aren’t your slave and it isn’t conducive to a happy relationship to restrict their freedoms by treating them this way. Your partner may want to grow in ways you may not like or even feel comfortable with but preventing their growth not only stifles them but you as well. Because your partner will treat you in the same way. Instead of restricting each other’s freedoms, it is far better encourage your partner to grow and become the person they want to be. Indeed, this is the only way true love can flourish.

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Elevate Your Sex Life with Meditation

by zfortadminin Mind, Sex

Are you craving a deeper connection to your lover?  Mind Body Green shows you 4 ways to take your sex life to the next level with meditation. 

Life is indeed like a box of chocolates. But here’s the question: are you fully appreciating what’s inside the box?

In other words, do you pop any of the chocolates into your mouth and finish in seconds? Or, do you take the time to look at the chocolates, figure out which flavor appeals to you most, and then experience eating it completely, activating all of your senses?

The automatic response is to go through life somewhat mindlessly. But when we take the time to look, listen, touch, smell and taste what’s available to us in this life, things get a whole lot better.

Sure, many of us incorporate superfoods like acai berries, maca, and even chocolate into our diets to healthily fuel us, I’ll argue that the most fun super-fuel is sex. Frequent great sex will boost your physical and emotional vitality, mental clarity and spiritual well-being.

The better quality the sex, the more empowered you will feel in all areas of your life. The best kind of sex makes us present, in touch with ourselves, and lets us be vulnerably, fully seen — both physically and emotionally “stripped down.” This is where meditation comes into play — literally!

Whether you’re a novice or expert in meditation, incorporating the practice into your sex life can put the “OM” into your “OMG!” Here’s why:

1. Meditation makes you realize the power of your mind.

And that recognition gives you sexual power. So why have the fast food version of sex when you can have decadent, transformative and energizing sex through your mindfulness practice? An intimate relationship allows us to rest and remove our daily armor and recharge, but too often we get in and out of the zone as if in a race to beat the commercials before resuming Game of Thrones.

When we make the effort to become more present with our sensory experiences, we realize the power of sexual energy. In fact, it’s one of the most readily available, internal forces that human beings have to harness their qi (life force).

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Sexual vs Sensual

by Mike Lousadain Sex

Sex is such a variety of activities, that the only thing they have in common is the energy that arises in us; the felt experience. As suggested, this energy can move from not being felt at all to a highly charged state.  How does his happen?  How do we create the flow of desire that allows us to experience sex as a process, happening over time? The clue is to look at the difference between sensual and sexual energy.

Sensual energy refers to the experience arising from our senses; from smell, touch, taste, sound and a felt sense.  Sensuality is a whole body experience in the sense that all body parts and all senses are able to experience pleasure, and a sensual experience is defined by creating a general sense of wellbeing.  Because sensuality arises from the senses it is experienced in the moment, and it is an experience with no urge to ‘go anywhere’.  This is why we can be sensual, ‘cuddly’ with our friends, pets and children, where sexual energy would be inappropriate.  In relation to others, sensual energy is therefore first and foremost a connective energy. It brings us into embodied presence with the other, which creates a sense of wellbeing. Neurologically, our parasympathetic nervous system is activated, which makes us feel relaxed, loving and open.

Sexual energy is different. Although sexual energy can be felt in the whole body, it has a specific focal point that gives it a particular quality.  This focal point is mainly felt and experienced in the genitals, and even though other body parts can be stimulated, the main focus keeps returning to the genitals.  Also, it is innately charged with an increasing intensity.  Sexual energy gives us the feeling that it wants to “go somewhere”; it wants to peak in the orgasm and discharge the energy. Compared to sensual energy as embodied presence, sexual energy therefore feels much more goal oriented.  In essence it is a drive.  It is the life force energy that wants to express itself.  Connection and pleasure of the moment thus becomes secondary to this urge for the ultimate pleasure.  It can feel like something, the energy itself, is taking over.  We surrender, ultimately, to the orgasm; and in that we surrender to something greater than ourselves.

Fulfilling sex consists of an interplay between sensual and sexual energies.  It is embodied presence with the other as well as life force energy wanting to express itself in the ultimate surrender.  If we think that sex is about genital contact until we orgasm, we get trapped in a reductive idea of sex.  This is very much the reductive focus of pornography.  Ultimately this deprives us from the pleasure and energetic connection that is authentically experienced in the moment.  By consisting of sensual and sexual energies, sex can be a full body, connective experience of flow.  For this to happen we need to allow both sensual and sexual energies to arise and be expressed.  Sensuality gives us the connectivity, and sexuality gives us the urge to surrender.

In understanding our desire, thus, we need to understand that sensual and sexual energies are both part of our sexual expression.  Which one do we feel comfortable with, and which one would we like to express more fully?

8 Steps to Having the Best Sex Conversation Ever

by zfortadminin SEX TIPS

Do you have a healthy sex conversation with your partner? Discuss them under the sheets for more excitement.

It goes without saying that you’d like to enjoy making love to your partner; yet, nearly every other aspect of sex calls for a chat. Here’s why: Couples who discuss tricky topics effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who ignore difficult subjects, according to a study by Joseph Grenny, co-author of Crucial Conversations. “A handful of conversations make the biggest difference in the strength and duration of a relationship,” says Grenny. “Talking about sexual intimacy tops that small list.” Read on for eight issues to broach and how to approach them so you can move on to more interesting things.

1. Limits. Unless you want to end up in a “50 Shades of OMG what are you doing?” situation, discuss boundaries. “While it’s possible to have a good experience trying something new with no communication, it’s also possible to have a big fail,” says Carol Queen, PhD, Staff Sexologist for Good Vibrations, an online sex toy shop. Determine what kinds of play you’re OK with before someone pulls out handcuffs. Also, choose a safe word, one unrelated to sex either of you can say to halt what’s happening. To start the limits conversation, exchange one idea each about something you’d like to experience. “Worst case: Your move stays a fantasy. Best case: There are two new options on your sexual menu,” says Dr. Queen.

2. Ruts. It can be easy to move into patterns in a sexual relationship, “especially if a couple starts out with little sex information or strong opinions about what ‘normal’ sex is, leading them to reject many erotic options,” says Dr. Queen. If your sexual playbook becomes staid, she suggests talking to a sex therapist or coach—or doing some reading. “Some books, like Hot Sex! Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight, are made to be browsed together, giving you spicy ideas and info to boot,” says Dr. Queen.

3. Dysfunction. Failure to launch and premature party ending are touchy subjects. “Most guys don’t want to talk about it while in bed,” says Joel D. Block, PhD, author of Do It My Way. So instead, “ask him to pleasure you—it takes the tension away from his difficulty.” If you have the issue, say, dryness, Dr. Block suggests saying, “I love when you go more slowly” or “I need more foreplay to get me started.” If dysfunction happens repeatedly, acknowledge the problem outside of the bedroom. “You could say, ‘If I’m feeling pressured it works against me, but know that I’m OK. We’ll get past this.” If he elaborates, cool. If not, drop the issue knowing you’ve at least mentioned it in a sensitive, supportive manner.

4. Safety. “It doesn’t matter how many sex partners each of you has had,” points out Dr. Queen. “HPV and other bugs hitch a ride on human genitals, just as the common cold goes for your nose and throat.” It’s best to talk about this matter-of-factly before you have sex for the first time. Try: “This is what I do for birth control” and “These are my standards for safe sex.” “It’s your body, and some conditions are forever—including unplanned offspring,” adds Dr. Queen.

5. Exclusivity. Don’t assume. “If you don’t come to a clear verbal agreement and think, ‘he couldn’t be with someone else,’ you’re lying to yourself,” says Laurie Puhn, couples mediator, author and creator of the nationwide course Fight Less, Love More. “Many women prefer to assume exclusivity because they’re afraid the guy won’t agree to it.” In that case, you should know and make an informed decision about whether to have sex. How do you get into that topic gracefully? “You should both feel comfortable, perhaps in one of your homes or in a dimly lit lounge,” says Puhn. “Just don’t talk about it when either of you has had more than one drink.”

6. Timing. Are you in the mood now? What about now? “If one person is raring to go and the other gives compliance sex,’ it will not only fail to be physically gratifying but also to produce emotional connection,” says Grenny. It’s better to talk about not wanting sex, but how do you say “no” without it sounding like “never”? “Touch your mate, smile and suggest another time,” says Puhn. “This says I love you and want to be intimate, but not tonight.” Be sure to follow through on the follow-up appointment.

7. Feedback. Discuss what turns you on—and what doesn’t—as unnatural as it may feel. “Our partners aren’t mind readers,” explains Dr. Queen, who suggests starting with, “There are things I think about, sexually, that I never mention.” From there, a general “Can we talk about this more?” usually does the trick. During the act, “maneuver into position and make sounds of pleasure to encourage your partner toward a certain behavior,” says Dr. Block. “Men appreciate these nonverbal prompts.” They also respond well to comments that are about you, rather than about him. So instead of “do this,” try, “When you do this, it’s hot for me.”

8. Planning. This may sound utterly unromantic, but couples should talk about how to fit sex into their busy schedules. “Americans have intercourse an average of a bit more than once a week,” says Dr. Block. “But it’s quality, not quantity that counts.” Dr. Block suggests deciding how much is mutually acceptable, and whether that includes quiet sex while visiting relatives and unexpected quickies.If one of you is a morning sex person and the other an evening sex person, “calendar a compromise: a weekend afternoon delight or an after-work assignation,” says Dr. Queen.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Find True Love Through Meeting You

by zfortadminin LOVE

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman

The moon was shining brightly that balmy summer’s night in the park. He’d arranged a meeting to “sort things out.” Little did he know I’d finally built the courage to walk away. And that’s exactly what I did.

I was devastated but mostly relieved. Finally I was free.

For the longest time I’d craved his love. I needed his approval. I wanted the happy ending so badly.

Why? I meant something when I was with him. I felt worthy and kind of secure.

But I wasn’t. I’d given away all of my power. I was dependent on him to feel love.

And he knew it so he treated me however he wanted. For him it was a game, and every problem in our relationship somehow always came back to me.

I was needy, insecure, and completely out of touch with who I was and what I really wanted. I’d sacrificed everything about me in an effort to try and please another being.

He told me I wasn’t sexy enough, so I read book after book about how to be more feminine and alluring. He told me I was too quiet, so went out of my way to be outgoing, happy, and bubbly. He told me I took up too much time, so I made other plans and disappeared for a while.

He could have told me anything and I would have accepted it. There wasn’t an ounce of self-respect in my bones. My misery was born from this very fact.

I’d let this happen for so long. It wasn’t entirely his fault. My neediness and lack of self-worth had created and perpetuated our problems. But for some reason that I can’t explain, that evening a spark had been ignited and I’d finally had enough.

I’d reached my pain threshold. I was completely done with feeling miserable, doubting myself, and feeling disrespected. I was so over letting someone else control my decisions, emotions, and self-worth.

I’d begun to love myself a little more than I loved him. A butterfly was emerging from the cold, dark cocoon I’d been hiding in my whole life. It felt new and scary but ridiculously empowering and liberating.

In a moment of clarity a string of epiphanies melted my confusion:

  • Deep love comes from within.
  • I choose how I want to feel.
  • I’ll never be satisfied just with love from someone else.
  • If I don’t authentically love myself, I can’t expect anyone else to truly love me.
  • The way I treat myself shows others how I expect to be treated.

That evening I vowed to put myself first and to be kind, loving, and generous with myself. This is the way I wanted to be treated. Out of self-respect and needing a fresh start, I walked away. From that point on it was my intention to live my life on my terms.

It might sound selfish but it was completely the opposite. And it eventually led me to the life-long relationship of my dreams.

What’s The Real Impact Of Neediness On Relationships?

I wholeheartedly believe that sharing the joys and wonder of life with another being who lights up your world is absolutely priceless. There’s nothing like it. It’s one of the greatest joys on Earth, and something every human being deserves to experience.

But it’s extremely hard to find this happiness with another if you’re in a relationship with a need to be filled up by someone else.

Being needy, insecure, and trying to gain approval and a sense of self-worth from your partner puts a huge amount of pressure on them, and it’s a major turn-off.

It’s an unachievable task because feeling inherently loved and worthy comes from within. Not from your partner.

Creating an outstanding love doesn’t come from two half-fulfilled people coming together to make one whole, complete life. Outstanding love comes from two whole people coming together to share and enhance their already full and beautiful lives.

An amazing relationship comes about when we own and appreciate who we are and completely accept the other person for who they are.

So loving and putting you first is not selfish, it’s necessary. It’s imperative to creating the wonderful love and life we all desire. And let’s get something straight—loving yourself doesn’t deplete the love tank; it actually fills it up so we have even more to give.

What Does Self-Love Really Look Like?

It’s prioritizing your dreams and making an effort to do things that inspire and light you up.

It’s saying “no” to things you don’t agree with or that don’t fit in with your plans.

It’s deciding to spend time with people who support, encourage, and motivate you to be the best version of you.

It’s owning your thoughts and opinions and refusing to be swayed in order to please others.

It’s being gentle with and talking kindly and sweetly to yourself.

It’s having the courage to try new things that you’ve always wanted to experience.

It’s taking time out to nourish your mind, body, and soul—exercise, eating well, alone time.

It’s trusting your intuition and honoring your own truth.

It’s spending money on things that make you feel amazing while investing in your future.

It’s daring to believe that you’re capable of achieving and creating the life you visualize.

It’s choosing to see the good and refusing to let others bring you down.

It’s gifting yourself forgiveness and accepting yourself for all of your beautiful and not-so-cool quirks and qualities.

How Does Self-Love Create A Great Relationship?

When we truly love and respect ourselves, we’re free from doubt and endless worry, so we trust our feelings and decisions. It allows us to be courageous and authentic.

We begin to live from the heart and play a bigger, kinder, more generous version of life. We forget our self-imposed boundaries and dare to dream larger and wilder.

We stop focusing on negativity and become present to the beauty and possibilities within and outside of ourselves. We realize how great our lives are and open the doors for gratitude to flow in abundance.

We start to emanate happiness, confidence, playfulness, peace, and positivity.

It’s electric and like a powerful magnet to others. Your ideal partner will be drawn to you like a bear fresh out of hibernation looking for his first meal.

And once you find that special one, love will be easy.

It’ll be natural. It’ll flow freely without judgment or pretense. It’ll inspire and nourish you. Your lives will be even richer, happier, and more vibrant than ever.

And you’ll wonder why you didn’t take the time to fall radically in love with you just a little bit sooner.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article