Author: zfortadmin

LOVE Lessons to Know from Top Achievers

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Business owners can offer insightful — and inspiring — love advice.

There’s something pretty damn inspiring about CEOs. Not only because they were able to master their field and rise to the top, with many coming from very little, but also because of the sheer amount of passion, dedication and well, faith, that comes with the job title. When you consider your professional goals, you might have ‘run your own company’ somewhere toward the top, and for good reason: the benefit of being in charge of your professional future (and of the team reporting to you) is exciting and liberating. But what about being in control of your love life, too?

While having a successful resume and love life aren’t quite the same, they do require those same qualities: passion, dedication, and faith. That’s why business owners can offer insightful — and inspiring — love advice. They’ve not only had to learn how to manage that unattainable work/life balance, but they’ve discovered how to start, run, and flourish in something they love.

Here, nine CEOs share their best piece of dating advice. Who knows, it might just be the pro tip that helps you rise to the top of your latest match’s Tinder feed (or take your existing relationship to a new level):

1. When You’re With Someone You Love, Be Present

“I log over 150,000 miles a year traveling the world for ARIIX. The best piece of advice I have learned from running ARIIX is to make my husband and children my number one priority. In order for me to maintain a proper work/life balance I specifically carve out time between trips to be with my husband and children, after all they are the ones that keep me going. Whenever I am at home with them, I make it a point to be present — usually we have at least one meal together with a ‘no shop-talk’ rule, and I keep my phone upstairs.” -Deanna Latson, founder and chief product officer of ARIIX

2. Try Not to Rush Toward The Finish Line

“As a married mom and an entrepreneur, I try to remember that what I’m signed up for is a marathon not a sprint. In both life and work, I’m trying to build something really solid that will last. Some Saturdays, I’m not at home because I’ve prioritized work — but I often walk out of the offices earlier than other team members in order to make bath time and bedtime (and my husband does as well).” -Jennie Ripps, CEO and founder of The Owl’s Brew

3. Be With Someone Who Loves What You Love

“I’ve been in two serious relationships since starting my company nearly 20 years ago. There is a stark contrast between the two, and the biggest differing factor was an interest in what my company does. Find someone who has a genuine interest in what you do.

In my past relationship, the woman I was with had zero interest. She could not understand my frustrations, my wins and my losses. She didn’t care. The problem with this sort of relationship is that the company is the CEO’s baby. It’s as if she had no interest in my son.

I am now married to my best friend, who understands my company inside and out. She is a partner in so many different ways and constantly has good advice and completely understands every challenge, every win, and every loss.

This is so important because there is only one person in the world who has no ulterior motives and has only my best interests at heart. I’ve heard CEOs say their employees are like family, but I believe that’s only because their family doesn’t get what they do. Nothing can replace a true partner in life.” -Jeremy Shepard, founder of Pearl Paradise, Inc.

4. Find A Routine That Lets You Play

“Managing my love life and my business has always been a challenge for me but I’ve gotten better at it over the years. My best advice is to get on a routine and stick with it. Set boundaries for yourself around your business and make dedicated time per week for your love life that will not hamper your chances of success with building your company.

What works for me is working late every night and getting home at 9:30 p.m. That being said, Friday afternoons and Sunday afternoons are set aside for making deposits into my relationship.

This way nobody is surprised or caught off guard and you and your significant other can fall into a rhythm and not feel cheated. The reality is to make it in today’s tough business world your business is probably going to have to be your priority or at least tied for top priority along with your relationship.” -Bryan Clayton, CEO of GreenPal

5. Get Out Of Your Head And Talk To Strangers!

“While running your daily errands, at a cafe or on your morning commute (whether it be on a train platform, parking your car or even waiting to cross the street), force yourself to smile at the intriguing stranger next you and simply utter the word, ‘Hi.’ You really have absolutely nothing to lose except an opportunity.” -Lori Cheek, CEO and founder of Cheekd

6. Don’t Treat Your Partner Like A Business Partner

“Through the years of running various companies, I’ve realized that you cannot treat your significant other like you would someone in your business life. What do I mean by this? If you send your significant other a Google Calendar invite, or otherwise directly schedule them into your day in your calendar even if it’s an 8 p.m. dinner date, the reaction you get back will not be pleasant!

Your significant other wants to know that they are special to you and you will not treat scheduling time with them in the same way that you treat your business meetings. Let’s face it — we all do it just to stay organized, especially as our days get more packed. But, perhaps think of another way of remembering those date nights!” -Keith Shields, CEO of Designli

7. Try Your Best To Remain Flexible

“There are a lot of parallels between marriage and running a company. The best advice for both is to be flexible. The only certainty in marriage and business is change and those who can adjust, change and constantly improve will be happy at home and successful in business. Don’t be afraid of change or obstacles, embrace them and you will grow and prosper!” -Nick Braun, Founder & CEO, PetInsuranceQuotes.com

8. Listen To Your Partner And Celebrate The Little Things

“Running a business and love are very similar. The number one key to doing either successfully is mastering the art of communication. Listening to the other person, repeat what you heard for clarification, removing ego, understanding what the end result looks like, and willing to be wrong to achieve that end result.

It’s also important to celebrate the little wins. In business, we sometimes forget to celebrate our victories, and in relationships we forget to appreciate the small things.” -Austin Iuliano, CEO of Snapchatmastery.com

9. Remember You Don’t Have To Do It Alone

Maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend has been very difficult, but has ultimately strengthened our bond. As a business owner and also entrepreneur I have gone through some crazy highs (receiving funding to grow the business) to some very difficult lows such as getting unjust lawsuits filed against the business. This has ultimately affected our relationship and really made us go through really difficult times in a very short period of time.

My best advice though came from when I realized that I wasn’t the only one feeling this struggle of the lowest lows. As a business owner, I felt like I was the one feeling all of the burden and stress that came from owning a business, but I wasn’t. My number one fan was right there alongside me feeling every pain that I was feeling. Both of us didn’t try to fake putting on a strong face and be the one who said ‘it will all be OK.’ We went through the most difficult times and we did it together — she’s got my back and I’ve got hers!” -Ryan Chan, CEO and Founder at UpKeep

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Developing Your LOVE Muscles = Quality LOVE

by zfortadminin LOVE

When it comes to finding long-lasting love, people are looking for someone they can spend the rest of their life with — or at least the foreseeable future.

When two people first meet it’s all about chemistry and passion. You don’t question if they have a savings account or a good relationship with their family — it’s all about initial attraction. However, if you’re looking for a life partner or are in the midst of a long-term relationship, this attraction, while important, may wane in comparison to a person’s bigger qualities and traits. When it comes to finding long-lasting love, people are looking for someone they can spend the rest of their life with — or at least the foreseeable future. With this outlook, a different set of qualities matter. These are some of the qualities and traits that can make you a more desirable partner.

1. You’re quick to move on

This is a big one. Fights will happen and when they do, it’s important to be quick to apologize and quick to forgive. If you always point the finger of blame and never take responsibility for your mistakes, your fights will drag on, leading to an unhappy partner. Likewise, if after every disagreement you spend hours being angry or pouty, even after apologies have been said, you’ll exhaust the relationship and the fight will only grow in size. Make an effort to apologize quickly and forgive easily. These two qualities will do wonders for a relationship.

It can be tempting to throw yourself into a relationship and lose yourself. Unfortunately when you do, you’ll lose the individuality and confidence that may have attracted your partner to you in the first place. Give your significant other plenty of love, but always love yourself first. Nurture your passions — even if your partner has no interest in them — and spend time alone.

3. You’re honest

If trust is the foundation in a relationship then honesty is the trait that builds that trust. Being honest with your partner on all things allows them to be honest and vulnerable with you. Very little is more detrimental to a close relationship than dishonesty and deception. When you enter into a new relationship start with complete honesty and maintain that level of truth throughout your partnership. A commitment to honesty, from both people, will make for a longer-lasting, happier relationship.

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PanRomantic, ARomantic and the New Glossary of Intimate Identification

by zfortadminin Mind

In this new, orderly dystopia, all human emotion has been “switched off” through fetal inhibitors that basically turn people into robots, productive and compliant servants of the greater good.

Let’s get the exposition dump out of the way first: In Drake Doremus’ leaden sci-fi/romance Equals, an apocalyptic Great War has eradicated nearly all mankind and rendered 99.6% of the land uninhabitable. The surviving humans have colonized under the governing body called “The Collective,” which has taken drastic steps to repopulate the species and eliminate the threat of another conflict wiping them out again. In this new, orderly dystopia, all human emotion has been “switched off” through fetal inhibitors that basically turn people into robots, productive and compliant servants of the greater good. (Forget sex, too. Conception is regulated through artificial insemination.)

So what about the folks who come down with an acute case of the feels? Those poor souls are diagnosed with “Switched On Syndrome” (SOS, if you’re looking for clunky acronyms), an incurable condition that eventually lands them in “the den,” where they’re permanently confined and prodded. Constant surveillance makes it hard for anyone to get out of line, but there are a handful of people called “hiders” who can experience emotion, but are skilled enough at acting like dull automatons to pass themselves off as normal. In this seemingly infertile future-world, their tremulous emotions are like green shoots through cracks in the pavement.

There’s plenty of sci-fi precedent for the Orwellian chill of Equals, but many of the particulara — the all-white color scheme, the emotional inhibitors, the outlawed sez — bring it in line with George Lucas’ 1971 debut feature THX-1138. No matter. Doremus does not take the speculative elements of his film seriously, which is a relief, because they don’t make any sense and they would have no thematic resonance even if they did. Doremus isn’t making a statement about totalitarian governance or the surveillance state or anything else that might have some connection to the modern world or insight into the human condition.

What he’s made is an old-fashioned love story dressed up as speculative science fiction, as if the future could conform to the strictures of turn-of-the-20th-century high society. Set in a time when emotions are suppressed and physical contact is forbidden, Equals is engineered to give a touch of the hand an erotic charge, to say nothing of more advanced forms of hanky-panky. And yet its own conceit works stubbornly against it: When two would-be lovers are required to behave like automatons every waking moment, it’s not easy to stop being boring when no one is looking.

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Why Millennial Sex Drive Could Be Shrinking

by zfortadminin Sex

Why more millennials are avoiding sex.

I spent most of yesterday morning mulling over Tara Bahrampour’s article in the Washington Post headlined “‘There isn’t really anything magical about it’: Why more millennials are avoiding sex.” The crux of her argument relates to a new study in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior that finds younger millennials (i.e. those born in the 1990s) more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive in their early 20s as Gen Xers were. Compared with baby boomers, millennials’ low sex drive makes them look like nuns and priests.

The proffered reasons for millennial abstinence? A culture of overwork and an obsession with career status, a fear of becoming emotionally involved and losing control, an online-dating milieu that privileges physical appearance above all, anxieties surrounding consent, and an uptick in the use of libido-busting antidepressants.

I generally jump to the defense of millennials, not just because I am one, but because I even know some. It too often feels as though we’re reported on as an alien species: “I saw this strange person at the supermarket buying organic milk. He was ungrateful, stupid and has never worked a day in his life, if my personal inference from watching him hold the carton may be used as a categorical analysis of an entire generation, as it will be throughout this piece, and then again in the comments section.”

But if (and this is a big “if”) this is indeed how many millennials think about sex, relationships and other people — as productivity inhibitors — we’re screwed, in all ways but the fun one.

“Research-based trend pieces are useful in the same way polemics are useful — to the extent they provoke further discussion.”

OK, a couple of disclaimers before you pillory the argument: I’m not a “younger millennial.” If millennials are defined as those who are 19 to 35 years old in 2016, then at 29 I clock in on the “What are the young people up to these days?” end of the millennial spectrum. So, younger young people, weigh in in the comments please and tell me what I’m missing; I’m all ears.

Second disclaimer: I believe that everyone should have exactly as much sex as they do or don’t want to have, with whomever they do or don’t want to have it, in whatever fashion they do or don’t want to have it. So long as consent is present in any resultant exchange, one need not justify their choices. Some are not physically able to have sexual relationships, some have religious or cultural reservations about premarital sex, others do not desire sex; none are less human, none are more correct. I also don’t suggest that my choices are particularly enlightened; indeed, several sources familiar with the matter can confirm they’ve often not been. My interest in this rise in abstention has to do with motivation and meaning rather than the (lack of) action itself.

Final disclaimer: Many trend pieces are hot garbage. See: the New York Times article on“the explosion” of women who dye their armpit hair. The trend piece is a form that’s plagued by the “To a hammer, everything looks like a nail” problem. If you begin with any premise and set out to prove it, you can generally find a handful of folks in this world of 7.4 billion to confirm your suspicion.

That said, research-based trend pieces are useful in the same way polemics are useful — to the extent they provoke further discussion. And this research is based on a nationally representative sample of more than 25,000 American adults. So here are my thoughts in brief on points made in the Washington Post article (edited here for clarity). You’ll have others.

“It’s a highly motivated, ambitious generation,” says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and chief scientific adviser to the dating site Match.com. “A lot of them are afraid that they’ll get into something they can’t get out of and they won’t be able to get back to their desk and keep studying.”

As Michael Cunningham wrote, “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” Sure, any attempt to have a life outside of work will keep you away from your desk. And it’s true that we live in fraught times, with massive student loan debt and decreased job security. But overwork, with all else perceived as a distraction, is no tool to cultivate joy.

The sense of caution sometimes manifests itself as a heightened awareness of emotional pitfalls. For example, many young people speak disparagingly of the messy emotional state love and lust can engender, referring to it as “catching feelings.”

Humans have feelings. Fairly unavoidable. See: brain chemistry.

Noah Patterson, 18, has never had sex. “I’d rather be watching YouTube videos and making money.” Sex, he said, is “not going to be something people ask you for on your résumé.”

Lots of miserable people with cool resumes out there.

Online life “ends up putting a lot of importance on physical appearance, and that, I think, is leaving out a large section of the population,” said Twenge, who teaches psychology at San Diego State University. Unlike in face-to-face meetings where “you can seduce someone with your charm,” she said, dating apps are “leaving some people with fewer choices and they might be more reluctant to search for partners at all.”

What’s even sexier than an avatar? A flesh-and-blood human with flaws and personality.

That is Patterson’s takeaway. “Third-wave feminists seem to be crazy, saying that all men are participating in this rape culture.” He opts for porn instead. “It’s quicker. It’s more accessible. What you see is what you get.”

Flesh-and-blood humans carry traumas born of their experiences on a complicated and oft-cruel planet. Some of these traumas are sexual. Rather than pathologizing humans who’ve survived sexual trauma, perhaps you could recognize that they did not create the environment that harmed them, and work to be a source of understanding and support.

Abstinence may not be such a considered choice for everyone, though; there can also be environmental factors. For example, the use of antidepressants, which doubled between 1999 and 2012, can reduce sex drive.

This is real. Those who take antidepressants: Good on you for getting the help you need. Those who don’t: Find a way to understand and support flesh-and-blood humans dealing with depression.

“The decision to indefinitely avoid sexual relationships from a place of fear is deeply understandable.”

Why is sex a necessary or good thing, given all these concerns?

It isn’t an absolute good. It’s only good if it’s a thing you want to do, if it’s an act that brings you fun or connection or pleasure. The problem isn’t that millennials are having less sex, but that many of their reasons reveal warped values and a fear-based approach to existence. Here’s a generation swearing off a life-affirming and life-creating act in record numbers, simply because they don’t know what to do with it.

Most people are rational actors, in so far as their fears are connected to their experiences. There are many anecdotal and quantitative indications that sex among millennials is a real landmine for hurt and misunderstanding. In some ways, this hurt is heightened by the advent of distancing technologies like Tinder and texting. But the challenge of navigating closeness with and care for others has always been a central human story.

Rather than forgoing sex, we can be strive to be more creative and generous in our interpersonal relationships, whether they be sexual or otherwise. That starts by thinking deeply about what we want so that we can articulate it to another person. It continues by finding a receptive and respectful person or people to have sex with. It continues by being a receptive and respectful person. It ends never.

The emotional work that sex asks us to do is the same emotional work a life of growth requires. The decision to indefinitely avoid sexual relationships from a place of fear is deeply understandable. But it is also a decision to constrict the edges of one’s experience; it is a decision to disengage from that which induces greater vulnerability, and greater tenderness.

Curated by Timothy
Original Article

Sex and Meditation… Here is the Relationship

by zfortadminin Mind, Sex

Mindfulness improves your sex life. Oh, I know meditation probably doesn’t excite you in that way. On the other hand, mindfulness is about being more in your physical body, enjoying and experiencing the present moment. And that, dear readers, is what great sex is all about.

What I’ve found over the years is that people have their priorities confused. Think about it. When we engage in our phobias, our worries, our nagging self-doubts, we do so in a way that easily becomes a full-body experience. For instance, someone afraid of flying probably makes big movies in their mind about a plane crashing. We place ourselves smack dab in the middle of the terrible action until adrenaline slams through our veins, making our hearts race and our palms sweat.

Yet, when it comes to lovemaking, so many of the problems that clients complain about – erectile dysfunction, low libido, boredom, etc – occur because of an inability to stay in the body. Instead, the mind wanders and for many people the mood is lost or diminished.

There are two approaches to using mindfulness as a method of enhancing physical pleasure. First, meditate daily to discipline yourself to remain physically grounded in the here and now. This lays the groundwork and, as you probably know, offers a host of benefits. Specifically, when it comes to sex, practising mindfulness helps to unplug from emotions such as shame and embarrassment. It will help you turn off any thoughts of inadequacy which may contribute to low libido or impotence.

The second way is to remain mindfully present during the act itself. This is difficult. In a sense, it’s easier to remain conscious of a sore back during a sitting meditation practice because discomfort tends to increase. Pain forces us to pay attention, while intense pleasure is fleeting and tends to cause the mind to lose itself amid the good feelings.

Nevertheless, I hope you’ll persevere because making love mindfully also increases intimacy and is fun. Just imagine how motivated you’ll be next time your significant other says, “Honey, do you want to meditate tonight?”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

An Inner Dialogue on Sex Challenges in a New Relationship

by zfortadminin Sex

New York’s Sex Diaries series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. This week, a 30-year-old painter with a job in online marketing who’s trying to sort everything out inside. Straight, in a relationship, Crown Heights.

DAY ONE

3:15 a.m. I’ve been waking up between two and four every morning for months now, usually just to pee, but sometimes from nightmares. It’s kind of both this time. As I stumble out of bed, I try to remember anything from this dream other than merely the image of my pussy-less body: my mons pubis curved down into a Barbie crotch, but made of my skin and pubic hair. No folds, no holes.

9:00 a.m. My phone vibrates on top of a pile of printed spreadsheets. I cancel the alarm because I’ve already taken my pill, dutifully, with my sad desk breakfast.

Venlafaxine is an SNRI, which means it increases the activity of both serotonin and norepinephrine in my brain. It’s used to treat a variety of anxiety and depressive disorders as well as certain kinds of nerve pain. I take it for both issues and often wonder if it’s dulling my sensitivity at the same time. A decrease in libido, as with other antidepressants, is to be expected, but less so with venlafaxine than others, which is why my psychiatrist prescribed it.

I wouldn’t mind that much if I weren’t in the most committed relationship I’ve ever been in. One I’m always worried I’ll fuck up. It’s been one and a half years; we met on OkCupid. I like his parents, he likes mine, everything seems right. But the medication is nonnegotiable. It’s been two months, and although I don’t feel not-depressed, I feel boosted enough to prove I’ve needed it all along.

DAY TWO

12:30 p.m. Tuesday I have therapy, which means I get to leave work midday and battle through downtown traffic on my rusty old bike. Today, as with most sessions, we’re discussing boundaries. How can I explain to my partner that I’m scared of him initiating sex? That kissing is fine, but when his hands travel over my ass I start to panic? That sometimes, even though I’ve gotten naked just fine, when he goes down on me, it somehow hurts all over?

He and I have been through this before, after a triggering event that stopped all sex for us for months. From a television show, of all things. I had fallen asleep watching Netflix and half-awoke to a character being acquaintance-raped — like I was.

4:30 p.m. Coming home from work can be a thrill. These days, I’m dripping sweat from the ride home and we’re really overdoing the A/C; the sensation is a blessed shock on my skin. The dog greets me with urgent excitement, and we head right back out the door. He’s not my dog, really; he belongs to my partner, but I’m happy to do the afternoon walk — for both of them.

At home again, I lie down on the couch and the dog follows, leaning its weight on me. We trust each other, and I’m glad of it. My partner comes home, and when the dog gets up to greet him, he takes its place atop me on the couch. He kisses me sweetly, all over my face, and asks how my day was.

10:15 p.m. I’m very tired, so I shut my book and settle onto my pillow, nudging my ass up against my partner as conciliation for turning away from him. He reads for a while longer, and when he puts his book down, he rolls over to spoon me, to prod me with his erection.

“Are you trying to sex me?” I laugh a little.

“I’m always trying to sex you.”

“It’s too late, I’m so tired.” I wonder why I don’t bring up what was carefully discussed in therapy, but I’m also tired of hearing myself talk about What Was Carefully Discussed in Therapy.

DAY THREE

6:45 a.m. Nothing seems wrong with this relationship; in fact, we’ve been sleeping in later and later just to cuddle longer. We have so much physical chemistry. I never thought I’d be so comfortable with someone else’s body.

11:00 a.m. Again, it’s easy for me to think of him when he’s not here. My therapist says this is because I have the utmost control when it’s just thoughts. I wish I could go home to him right now, and I pre-regret how I won’t have this desire by the end of the day.

9:45 p.m. He has a class today, and it is usually the one day I can depend on a sexless evening. I try to paint, I try to apply to some jobs, but having this freedom from sex worries just leaves me stuck thinking about how to fix this. I smoke a little weed and masturbate in the shower.

I’m thinking about a kinky friend of mine who’s told me she’s thought of sleeping with me before. I always masturbate thinking about women, no matter who I’m sleeping with in reality. I wonder if that’s not also related to control.

DAY FOUR

8:30 p.m. Thursdays I get as stoned as I can and go to yin yoga. It’s a slow bedtime stretching class, heated, in the dark, and taught by a small woman who has one of those dreamy instructor voices that usually drives me insane, feeding us meditation thoughts when I’d prefer silence, but I don’t mind it from her. I am, in fact, attracted to her in every way. She is petite, which I also never thought would be my type, with a muscular ass and tiny tits. Her face is round and happy, a glowing moon in this darkened room.

I am happy when I’m in this class, high. I sit in the warmest corner of the room and stare at myself in the mirror. The truth is, I like everything about the way I look only right now. I look very tanned, my thighs look very muscular. I look athletic. I look like I could be six feet tall, like a giantess, a thought that usually terrifies me. Another thought floats into my mind: that maybe my partner and I are it for each other. I text him: “I want to kiss you when I get home,” before turning off my phone and lying back on my mat.

The class starts child’s pose. This instructor always comes to me first: My back is very stiff, and she runs her fingers firmly from my shoulders to my hips, coaxing my body to submit to the floor. I think about touching her in the same way, think of us alone in this hot, dark room, and what sounds she would make. At the end of class, sobering up, I always wonder whether I’ve made those sounds aloud.

9:30 p.m. I ride home determined to have sex with him; I prime myself with calming thoughts about his face, his voice, reminding myself that I love him and that he is not the enemy. I feel happy about my body, stimulated and calmed from the instructor’s touch.

He’s cleaning the kitchen when I get home. I kiss him as significantly as I can and tell him to come take a shower with me. He enters after I’ve already rinsed, and runs his hands over my back. I pull him toward me and he smiles. I’m happy, too. I kneel down and put my mouth on him for the first time in months; it’s a huge relief to both of us. I twitch when I hear him breathe in deeply, my nipples get hard when he gingerly places his hand on my head. He’s so gentle with me, and I like the way his dick feels in my mouth—it doesn’t make sense why I can’t just do this more often.

“We’re wasting water,” he says. I towel off my hair and we lie down on the bed, touching each other like children, our lips meeting haltingly, until he rolls me onto my back and enters me. God, it is a relief. I won’t come, but it’s a relief.

DAY FIVE

8:00 a.m.  We’re working from home today. I think of kissing him, and so I peek at the door to the office to ask if he’s on a call, wrap my arms around him where he’s sitting. He turns and kisses me and says, “What?”

“I just wanted to kiss you, is all.”

Maybe five minutes later, I call to him from my makeshift desk to ask him a question.

“What,” he snaps back.

I don’t remember the last time I’ve ever said “I’m sorry” with such sarcasm. It instantly slayed me, the tone he used. The part of me that is historically easily rejected hasn’t learned much, and I shut down for a little while.

2:00 p.m. We get neighborhood ramen for lunch; I’m in a happy place. He tells me he’s having a bad day, he’s too busy. I ask him why, but his answers are short. He’s not much for feelings.

DAY SIX

8:00 a.m. Saturdays are wonderful in this house. The permission to sleep in means that the day half-starts in half-sleep; we’re pulling each other closer and kissing arms, backs, necks, whatever’s there to kiss. We ask each other about what we dreamt and we fall asleep again.

9:30 a.m. I make coffee and he walks the dog. We start improvising breakfast from the remainder of the week’s groceries. He puts on a record and sneaks up to hug me from behind and peck me on the neck. This is perfect, until he slides his hands up my shirt.

“I’m cooking!” I try to say as playfully as possible. I know he’s hurt: His response is similarly pained.

1:40 p.m. We’ve had a good day. He has some homework to do, and I go out to the patio to paint. This is another of my uses for marijuana. The dog comes and sits beside me, but my partner won’t. Our apartment is too small for me to have an art space, and maybe he’s internalized how badly I need time for me. I invite him to come out, but he says he doesn’t want to bother me. I smoke and smoke and hum along to Bill Evans, and I feel like this piece is really coming along.

3:15 p.m. I am in such a peaceful place. The air outside is still and hot, the sounds of the neighborhood are happy, the dog nudges my free hand every so often for a head pat. I think to myself how happy I am here, to have moved in with this man and his dog. I wish he were sitting beside me now, playing his guitar. I miss him, though he’s just on the other side of the door.

I go inside, where he’s lying on the couch, reading. I straddle him and kiss his face. He has two kinds of kisses: Firmness leads to nothing, but if I can make his lips soft, he’ll give in. He puts down his book and smiles at me.

“What’s up?”

“I missed you, and I thought I’d come tell you.”

We undress as much as we can without changing positions, and he’s inside me almost instantly. I ride him there, on the couch. He laughs when he comes, and so do I.

6:30 p.m. We have a lot of errands this evening, and he orders in some Thai to make up for it. I feel very close to him when we’re being domestic.

10:30 p.m. … And blissful to find I’ve fallen asleep in his arms while watching TV.

DAY SEVEN

10:00 a.m. I go to church up the block, a very austere Episcopal service, in a building made of cold gray stone. I don’t think anymore about whether how I live my life is pleasing to God or not, but I do still cry whenever I take communion.

11:30 a.m. He’s made breakfast and been to the farmers’ market while I was away. We’re both in a pretty good mood, and he tries to capitalize on it, but I have work in our community garden that I promised I’d get done today. He tries to get me to do it later. Maybe he hasn’t caught on that making me procrastinate is not what I’m into.

3:00 p.m. He came to the garden with me, and we both worked up a heavy sweat. We got a lot of work done, as we always do together, and now we’re exhausted, showered, and back to our respective places of yesterday, he reading on the couch and I painting on the front porch.

6:00 p.m. I have dinner with a friend and speak kindly about my situation. I’ve been reading Come As You Are, which this friend had recommended, but I can’t get my partner to believe it’s not a joke book. My friend and I bond over this and drink and smoke and watch some anime because we’ve exhausted our emotional reserves.

10:30 p.m. I come home intoxicated, and he’s reading in bed. I feel good enough that I’m not worried about losing sleep time, and I cuddle into him aggressively.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Simple Wisdom about Bad Behavior

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

My mother imparted her most valuable relationship wisdom in seven words.

When I was a little girl growing up in Brooklyn, I learned a lesson of great value from my mother. If someone said or did something unkind (a nasty person at the supermarket checkout counter, for example) my mother would say, “She must be a very unhappy person.”

She didn’t say this to make excuses; it was simply a calm observation that I translated into this advice:  “Don’t take things quite so personally; unhappiness or insecurity can make people say stupid things.  When other people act badly, it has to do with them, not with you.”

My mother’s words helped me to be less reactive, to pass on less intensity than I receive, to see people as more complex than their worst behaviors, to develop empathy, and be curious about why people do what they do.

It’s a perspective that serves me well in my work as a psychotherapist. Away from my consulting room, however, I do not always operate at this high level of maturity. It remains something to aim for.

My mother’s words are so important because we do tend to take things personally.  We also misread people’s motives all the time (We think it’s snobbery or disinterest when it’s shyness).

In the absence of facts, we are left with our fantasies (“I’m boring,” or “He doesn’t think I’m important enough to say hello to me.”)  We engage in mind-reading which, in contrast to intuition, humans have no talent for.

Remember this: Often the other person’s bad, insensitive, or hurtful behavior boils down to what my mother would say: “She must be a very unhappy person.“

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

If Your Dad Wanted to Pay a Man to Marry You…

by zfortadminin LOVE

What would you do?

Fathers can be so embarrassing right? How they’re always making hokey dad jokes to the waitresses at dinner, dancing like idiots at weddings, and making public offers to pay a guy millions of dollars to marry you. Uh, come again?

Dads, am I right?

Going way beyond the usual “Oh Dad” groaner, a property developer in Hong Kong with way too much money on his hands has offered the equivalent of $64 million to any man who will marry his daughter, Gigi Chao. And I thought the time my grandma offered my boyfriend a diamond ring to give me was bad! Sheesh.

To be fair, Cecil Chao Sze-tsung did say that his only requirement for potential suitors is that he “loves my daughter, and she loves him,” so maybe his heart is sort of in the right place?

Or maybe not exactly. Adding to the drama, there are reports that the marriage offer is timed to a significant development in Chao’s life. Last week, she may have eloped via civil ceremony in France with her longtime female companion, Sean Eav (a union which would not be recognized in Hong Kong). Ouch. Chao has tactfully declined to talk about her personal life, saying “I’m not afraid to admit anything. But I do want to respect my parents.” She says his proposal to the men of the world is “quite entertaining.”

Well, she sounds like a classy lady who deserves love from any man or woman she chooses, without a multi-million dollar incentive. I’ll choose to follow her dignified path and refrain from any comments except to say how thankful I am for my own dad for never trying to interfere in my love life.

Do you find this dad’s move to marry off his daughter to a man totally horrifying? Or is he just looking out for her happiness? Has your dad ever done anything to interfere in your love life?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Freeing the Nipple and Intimate Trends

by zfortadminin Sex

Something has got to be pretty awesome when it is considered trendy in the world of sex.

It doesn’t take a psychic to predict that plaid will be in for fall and that florals will be hot in spring. But what’s the latest in popular sex trends? “Sex trends?” you may ask. “Is that a thing that exists?” Is it possible that the seven billion people inhabiting our planet might agree that, sexually, some things are just way cooler than others? Imagine getting together with a few billion of your closest friends and deciding exactly which positions were the most awkward to try to do IRL. Of course, everyone has their sexual preferences, their favorite kinks, and their go-to positions, but you know something has got to be pretty awesome when it is considered trendy in the world of sex.

Now, just because some things are trending for the time being doesn’t mean they’re only temporary obsessions. I’m hoping the whole body positivity thing and respecting how people identify are here to stay, because that is how things ought to be. As for trendier concepts, like rocking orange bodysuits and roleplaying OITNB? I can’t really say how long that one will last. Probably until Netflix launches its next show filled with gorgeous women. Which is totally OK with me.

1. The (Almost) Free Nipple

When you search #FreeTheNipple on Instagram, the content generally “isn’t available,” and that’s because women’s nipples still aren’t entirely free. From laws limiting reproductive rights to some states having no penalties for revenge porn, there are still many hurdles to overcome on behalf of women’s rights — in particular, their rights in regard to their bodies. However, one way women have been taking ownership over their bodies has been through social media. It has become more commonplace for women to post sexy, even nude, photos on their social media accounts, just to share with the world how fabulous they are. With celebrities posting cheeky topless pics left and right, and the public following suit (especially on Twitter!), we’re embracing the female form in a very open way. One in five American adults has received a nude photo in their life, and in the name of being #bodyposi, that can be considered an empowering thing — because having the confidence to send one is awesome.

2. Gender-Neutral Sex Toys

It’s a bird … a plane … no, it’s a sex toy for everyone! Amazingly progressive sex toys are all the rage (freaking finally), and toys that accommodate genders of all kinds are at the forefront. The Picobong Transformer acts as a clitoral massager, G-spot stimulator, cock ring, prostate massager, and various other sex toys — all in one! I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen an image of such perfection. Even if it looks a little like an alien’s finger, it’s a surefire way make everyone’s orgasm on point.

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Why We Fail in Today’s Relationships

by zfortadminin LOVE

Why are relationships so hard today? Why do we fail at love every time, despite trying so hard?

Why have humans suddenly become so inept at making relationships last? Have we forgotten how to love? Or worse, forgotten what love is?

We’re not prepared. We’re not prepared for the sacrifices, for the compromises, for the unconditional love. We’re not ready to invest all that it takes to make a relationship work. We want everything easy. We’re quitters. All it takes is a single hurdle to make us crumble to our feet. We don’t let our love grow, we let go before time.

It’s not love we’re looking for, only excitement and thrill in life. We want someone to watch movies and party with, not someone who understands us even in our deepest silences. We spend time together, we don’t make memories. We don’t want the boring life. We don’t want a partner for life, just someone who can make us feel alive right now, this very instant. When the excitement fades, we discover nobody ever prepared us for the mundane. We don’t believe in the beauty of predictability because we’re too blinded by the thrill of adventure.

We immerse ourselves in the inconsequentials of the city life, leaving no space for love. We don’t have time to love, we don’t have the patience to deal with relationships. We’re busy people chasing materialistic dreams and there’s no scope to love. Relationships are nothing more than convenience.

We look for instant gratification in everything we do – the things we post online, the careers we choose, and the people we fall in love with. We want the maturity in a relationship that comes with time, the emotional connect that develops over years, that sense of belonging when we barely even know the other person. Apparently, nothing’s worth our time and patience – not even love.

We’d rather spend an hour each with a hundred people than spending a day with one. We believe in having ‘options’. We’re ‘social’ people. We believe more in meeting people than getting to know them. We’re greedy. We want to have everything. We get into relationships at the slightest attraction and step out, the moment we find someone better. We don’t want to bring out the best in that one person. We want them to be perfect. We date a lot of people but rarely give any of them a real chance. We’re disappointed in everyone.

Technology has brought us closer, so close that it’s impossible to breathe. Our physical presence has been replaced by texts, voice messages, snapchats and video calls. We don’t feel the need to spend time together anymore. We have too much of each other already. There’s nothing left to talk about.

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Is Your First Date a Success? Here is How to Tell.

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

When you’re in the thick of a date (whether it’s the first, second, or fifth), there are so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings running through each person’s head, it can be hard to judge how well the actual date itself is going.

How many times have you caught yourself leaving a date wondering, “Was that good?” “I had a good time. I wonder if they did, too?” Here’s a list of five tell-tale signs that will help you know if you’re date is going well:

1. You both laugh, a lot.

A connection via sense of humor is powerful. If you and your date spent the majority of your time together cracking up, chances are it went even better than you think it did! If you can laugh together, the possibilities are endless.

2. You keep jumping from one subject to another.

One of the best signs that you and someone else have really hit it off is if neither of you are able to stay on one topic very long. You both just have too much to say; one line of conversation reminds you of something else you just have to share with them right away! Fast-paced, exciting conversation like this is a great sign.

3. You didn’t even realize what time it was.

If the date flies by before you even realize what time it is, you can rest assured both of you are having a great time. It’s very telling when a date goes on much longer than either of you had planned. If just drinks turned into hours of talking then into dinner then into a nightcap, you just had yourself a great date!

4. Quiet moments are few and far between.

When you’re first getting to know someone, lag time between conversation topics should be pretty much non-existent. It’s natural for the fervor of new conversation to temper itself over time, but the very beginning should be filled with non-stop get-to-know-you exchanges. If you’re already experiencing painful, awkward silences on the first few dates, someone could either be extremely shy or just not the right match.

5. Your initial feeling when you get home is positive.

We all fall into the trap of over-analyzing a good situation. Don’t do that! When you walk in the door after your date, and the first feeling your gut gives you is “YAY!” then go with it. Don’t muddle your good feelings with pangs of nervousness or second-guessing. Chances are, if you truly believe the date went well, it did. Now relax, pour yourself a glass of wine, and get ready to divulge all the details to your friends.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Women Approach Men That Are This Many Points More Attractive

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

OkCupid, a popular online dating site, said women who take the initiative to reach out to men are rewarded with higher response rates and more desirable men.

Hey.

So, how’s your week going? Have any fun plans for the weekend?

You seem pretty cool. You free now?

You wanna read an article about women and online dating apps?

If you’ve never used the apps or websites like OkCupid, Tinder and Bumble, the opening lines above might sound horrible. If you have used the apps, and you are a woman, those lines most likely sound horribly familiar.

The boring conversations — if you can call them that — tend to be started by men, owing to centuries of Western courtship convention that have remained mostly consistent in the digital age. But in data published Monday, OkCupid, a popular online dating site, said women who take the initiative to reach out to men are rewarded with higher response rates and more desirable men.

“There are women on the site that are reaching out, and they’re getting all of the benefits,” said Jimena Almendares, the chief product officer at OkCupid.

The company studied a random sample of 70,000 users who had logged in at least three times within the same month. It found that women who sent the first message were 2.5 times more likely to receive a response than men who did the same. And the men the women contacted were more “attractive,” as determined by how other users rate the men’s profiles for both looks and content.

OkCupid, which said it has 1.5 men for every woman on the site, said both men and women are aspirational in whom they approach — men send messages to women 17 percentage points more “attractive” than themselves, while women send messages to men 10 percentage points higher. So a woman who simply sifts through her inbox is most likely fielding entreaties from men less attractive than she is, while she’s most likely to get a response if she contacts a more attractive man.

About 12 percent of first messages men send turn into a date, while 30 percent of women’s first messages end up in a date, the site said. And yet, men send 3.5 times as many first messages on OkCupid as women do.

“Women have very much been trained to sit back and let men come to them,” said Whitney Wolfe, the founder of Bumble, a separate dating app.

Bumble requires women to flip the presumption that men are the dating aggressors. After a man and a woman indicate mutual interest in each other’s profiles, they’re both notified that there has been a match — but only women can send the first message. That makes women more confident and empowered, while the men are more flattered and relaxed, Ms. Wolfe said.

“It makes for a healthier and more enjoyable all-around experience,” she said. “It puts the women in the driver’s seat, and typically women aren’t in the driver’s seat.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

You Fail in Relationships: Why?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Why are relationships so hard today? Why do we fail at love every time, despite trying so hard?

Why have humans suddenly become so inept at making relationships last? Have we forgotten how to love? Or worse, forgotten what love is?

We’re not prepared. We’re not prepared for the sacrifices, for the compromises, for the unconditional love. We’re not ready to invest all that it takes to make a relationship work. We want everything easy. We’re quitters. All it takes is a single hurdle to make us crumble to our feet. We don’t let our love grow, we let go before time.

It’s not love we’re looking for, only excitement and thrill in life. We want someone to watch movies and party with, not someone who understands us even in our deepest silences. We spend time together, we don’t make memories. We don’t want the boring life. We don’t want a partner for life, just someone who can make us feel alive right now, this very instant. When the excitement fades, we discover nobody ever prepared us for the mundane. We don’t believe in the beauty of predictability because we’re too blinded by the thrill of adventure.

We immerse ourselves in the inconsequentials of the city life, leaving no space for love. We don’t have time to love, we don’t have the patience to deal with relationships. We’re busy people chasing materialistic dreams and there’s no scope to love. Relationships are nothing more than convenience.

We look for instant gratification in everything we do – the things we post online, the careers we choose, and the people we fall in love with. We want the maturity in a relationship that comes with time, the emotional connect that develops over years, that sense of belonging when we barely even know the other person. Apparently, nothing’s worth our time and patience – not even love.

We’d rather spend an hour each with a hundred people than spending a day with one. We believe in having ‘options’. We’re ‘social’ people. We believe more in meeting people than getting to know them. We’re greedy. We want to have everything. We get into relationships at the slightest attraction and step out, the moment we find someone better. We don’t want to bring out the best in that one person. We want them to be perfect. We date a lot of people but rarely give any of them a real chance. We’re disappointed in everyone.

Technology has brought us closer, so close that it’s impossible to breathe. Our physical presence has been replaced by texts, voice messages, snapchats and video calls. We don’t feel the need to spend time together anymore. We have too much of each other already. There’s nothing left to talk about.

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Glamour’s, Twenty-First-Century Feminism …from the President of the United States

by zfortadminin LOVE

There are a lot of tough aspects to being President. But there are some perks too. Meeting extraordinary people across the country. Holding an office where you get to make a difference in the life of our nation. Air Force One.

But perhaps the greatest unexpected gift of this job has been living above the store. For many years my life was consumed by long commutes­—from my home in Chicago to Springfield, Illinois, as a state senator, and then to Washington, D.C., as a United States senator. It’s often meant I had to work even harder to be the kind of husband and father I want to be.

But for the past seven and a half years, that commute has been reduced to 45 seconds—the time it takes to walk from my living room to the Oval Office. As a result, I’ve been able to spend a lot more time watching my daughters grow up into smart, funny, kind, wonderful young women.

That isn’t always easy, either—watching them prepare to leave the nest. But one thing that makes me optimistic for them is that this is an extraordinary time to be a woman. The progress we’ve made in the past 100 years, 50 years, and, yes, even the past eight years has made life significantly better for my daughters than it was for my grandmothers. And I say that not just as President but also as a feminist.

In my lifetime we’ve gone from a job market that basically confined women to a handful of often poorly paid positions to a moment when women not only make up roughly half the workforce but are leading in every sector, from sports to space, from Hollywood to the Supreme Court. I’ve witnessed how women have won the freedom to make your own choices about how you’ll live your lives—about your bodies, your educations, your careers, your finances. Gone are the days when you needed a husband to get a credit card. In fact, more women than ever, married or single, are financially independent.

So we shouldn’t downplay how far we’ve come. That would do a disservice to all those who spent their lives fighting for justice. At the same time, there’s still a lot of work we need to do to improve the prospects of women and girls here and around the world. And while I’ll keep working on good policies—from equal pay for equal work to protecting reproductive rights—there are some changes that have nothing to do with passing new laws.

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Creative, Playful Dates…Try One a Week

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

You have a first date coming up and you want to make a great first impression.

Sure, you could do the traditional coffee date or the cliche dinner, but that isn’t going to impress anyone. If you want to impress the shit out of your date, it’s time to get creative.

Have An Art Picnic

Bring some colored pencils and those adult coloring books with you on a picnic. You’ll get points for coming up with a unique twist to a picnic, as well as your food choices. Speaking of which, don’t choose anything messy. Finger foods are best.

Take A Cooking Class

Not only does a cooking class give you something fun to do, it also shows your date that you’re good at following directions. That means you’ll follow directions elsewhere, like the bedroom.

Go Shopping For A Relative

Nothing melts a woman’s heart like showing how much you care about your family. Make a point to stop and buy something for your mom or sister. Ask for her help picking it out. You don’t need to have the entire date be centered around this, but if you’re walking through downtown, stop in a shop along the way “spontaneously.”

Play Games

If your date is on the nerdier or nostalgic side, head to the arcade. It gives you something fun to do. Plus, you’ll impress your date by showing that you can be a good sport if you lose at air hockey.

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