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You Fail in Relationships: Why?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Why are relationships so hard today? Why do we fail at love every time, despite trying so hard?

Why have humans suddenly become so inept at making relationships last? Have we forgotten how to love? Or worse, forgotten what love is?

We’re not prepared. We’re not prepared for the sacrifices, for the compromises, for the unconditional love. We’re not ready to invest all that it takes to make a relationship work. We want everything easy. We’re quitters. All it takes is a single hurdle to make us crumble to our feet. We don’t let our love grow, we let go before time.

It’s not love we’re looking for, only excitement and thrill in life. We want someone to watch movies and party with, not someone who understands us even in our deepest silences. We spend time together, we don’t make memories. We don’t want the boring life. We don’t want a partner for life, just someone who can make us feel alive right now, this very instant. When the excitement fades, we discover nobody ever prepared us for the mundane. We don’t believe in the beauty of predictability because we’re too blinded by the thrill of adventure.

We immerse ourselves in the inconsequentials of the city life, leaving no space for love. We don’t have time to love, we don’t have the patience to deal with relationships. We’re busy people chasing materialistic dreams and there’s no scope to love. Relationships are nothing more than convenience.

We look for instant gratification in everything we do – the things we post online, the careers we choose, and the people we fall in love with. We want the maturity in a relationship that comes with time, the emotional connect that develops over years, that sense of belonging when we barely even know the other person. Apparently, nothing’s worth our time and patience – not even love.

We’d rather spend an hour each with a hundred people than spending a day with one. We believe in having ‘options’. We’re ‘social’ people. We believe more in meeting people than getting to know them. We’re greedy. We want to have everything. We get into relationships at the slightest attraction and step out, the moment we find someone better. We don’t want to bring out the best in that one person. We want them to be perfect. We date a lot of people but rarely give any of them a real chance. We’re disappointed in everyone.

Technology has brought us closer, so close that it’s impossible to breathe. Our physical presence has been replaced by texts, voice messages, snapchats and video calls. We don’t feel the need to spend time together anymore. We have too much of each other already. There’s nothing left to talk about.

We’re a generation of ‘wanderers’ who wouldn’t stay at one place for too long. Everyone is commitment phobic. We believe we’re not meant for relationships. We don’t want to settle down. Even the thought of it is scary. We cannot imagine being with one person for the rest of our lives. We walk away. We despise permanence like it’s some social evil. We like to believe we’re ‘different’ than the rest. We like to believe we don’t conform to social norms.

We’re a generation that calls itself ‘sexually liberated’. We can tell sex apart from love, or so we think. We’re the hook-up-break-up generation. We have sex first and then decide if we want to love someone. Sex comes easy, loyalty doesn’t. Getting laid has become the new getting drunk. You do it not because you love the other person, but because you want to feel good. It’s all the temporary fulfillment we need. Sex outside relationships isn’t a taboo anymore. Relationships aren’t that simple anymore. There are open relationships, friends with benefits, casual flings, one-night stands, no strings attached – we’ve left very little exclusivity for love in our lives.

We’re the practical generation who runs by logic alone. We don’t know how to love madly anymore. We wouldn’t take a flight to a far-off land just to see someone we love. We’d break up because, long distance. We’re too sensible for love. Too sensible for our own good.

We’re a scared generation – scared to fall in love, scared to commit, scared to fall, scared to get hurt, scared to get our hearts broken. We don’t allow anyone in, nor do we step out and love anyone unconditionally. We lurk from behind walls we’ve created ourselves, looking for love and running away the moment we really find it. We suddenly ‘cannot handle it’. We don’t want to be vulnerable. We don’t want to bare our soul to anyone. We’re too guarded.

We don’t even value relationships anymore. We let go of the most wonderful people for ‘the other fishes in the sea.’ We don’t consider them sacred anymore.

There’s nothing we couldn’t conquer in this world, and yet, here we are ham-fisted at the game of love – the most basic of human instincts. Evolution, they call it.

Curated by Jeremy
Original Article

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Q: Can you be friends with your ex?

There are two schools of thought on this.

One is of course you can! You’re two mature people who care about each other and your lives are richer for having the other person in them, and the time you shared together in the past is a precious touchstone that you want to share!

The second is of course you can’t, because men only want to be your friend in case they can sleep with you again, and that women only want to be your friend in case they need a backup plan for their current relationship, or need someone to make a new guy jealous, or to take to a wedding. This is the one that has a dimmer view of human nature. However, this is the one that seems to be more consistently true.

My experience was, when I got married, I lost all of my male friends. Either they backed off out of a desire to be respectful of my spouse and my marriage, or else they were a bunch of dudes who were hanging out in case I wanted to have sex with them at some point. Sometimes, “let’s be friends” is code for “Let’s see if I can get in your good graces through funtimes and beers.”
This is sad and unpleasant to think about. Are people of the opposite sex only worthwhile as romantic partners? Am I not fun to hang out with in public? Are women friends inferior to guy friends?

It might come down to, it’s a busy world. We’re all working, we’re pursuing our dreams, and we have limited free time for the friends we already have, so am I really going to make time to grab lunch with a sysadmin with a foot fetish that I didn’t click with? I’d rather spend that time with old friends or with potential new partners. If you’re not the right one for me, then let’s both move on.
When I’m friends with exes: I find that they have way more time for me if they’re single, and if they’re not single, I wind up being better friends with their girlfriends or wives, and they kind of recede into the background.

I think there are mitigating factors like, how long did you date? If you went on three tinder dates with someone, “Let’s be friends” is my favorite code for “Let’s never see each other again!”

Q: Can you be friends with your ex when you’re seeing someone else?

That depends. Is your ex a mature person?

If they’re not, they might be jealous or weird around your new guy.

Alternately, if you are committed to a new relationship, it might be better not to keep an ex around. Try to take a breath and look at your motivations. Are you still interested in your ex? Are you putting your best foot forward with your current? Keeping a string of old guys around smacks of commitment problems. Again, if your ex is from high school and you’ve known him almost as long as your siblings, that’s different- but if you’re getting brats and beers with your last serious relationship, it might give your current guy pause.  In the past, I always pursued friendships with my exes because I thought that was a mark of adulthood- but it might be even more grown up to let them move on with their lives.

Q: Can your friend be friends with your ex?

This is even subtler. If we’re assuming that friendship is code for “maybe bang”, I’d rather not. Friends dating our exes can be more hurtful than the breakup was in the first place. If you’d like to stay friends with a good girlfriend’s ex, proceed with caution and ask her beforehand. She might have important information that you weren’t privy to, that the guy in question was abusive, was a drunk, or was untrustworthy. Talking to her could save both of you a lot of trouble.

If you’re wondering, “Am I good enough friends with this woman that it should keep me from hanging out with Chad?” just ask yourself “would I be comfortable if she never spoke to me again?” If you are, it’s fine to be friends with her ex!

How Size Doesn’t Matter: Take Napoleon for Instance

by Eric Lampaertin Sex

Every French man knows that like all good wines, women mature with age, in both beauty and brains.

There’s a general consensus that women love tall men, or at the very least taller than them. I am not sure what the benefits of being lanky are; my legs hurt in economy, the game limbo where people judge how low I can go is 15% harder and my career as a professional jockey is not where I’d like it to be. And yet, that hasn’t held us gargantuan men back from conquering the hearts of the opposite sex.

Conquering may be an inappropriate word, but it leads me nicely onto one of the most famous short men, Napoleon Bonaparte. Although listed as 5 feet 2 inches, those were the old French units which in the modern equivalent would make him 5’7”. (Same height as Tom Cruise. Coincidence? Yes.)

Napoleon not only wanted to conquer land for Lady Liberty of France, but also needed to conquer the heart of a potential empress to have by his side. Young Napoleon was in charge of older men who loomed over him and the only way he thought he’d have the respect of his men was by marrying a cougar. Meeeow. How’d you get this total babe? Oh you know, just invading multiple countries. No biggie.

Napoleon fell head over heels for Marie-Joseph-Rose de Meauharnais, later renamed Josephine because Napoleon didn’t like her name. We all give our lovers nicknames after all. The only problem with the relationship? She despised Napoleon. He was too much of a nerd.

Every French man knows that like all good wines, women mature with age, in both beauty and brains. (Cheese is also great the more mature it is, but not the best comparison for a lady). Josephine may have been a desirable decanter of Dom Perignon when it came to motherhood, but a Two Buck Chuck chardonnay with a crazy straw when it came to ROMANCE with Napoleon. She had no desire whatsoever to marry Napoleon, but was informed by a friend the only way for her to keep her lavish lifestyle and keep her two children safe was to marry Napoleon, whom was oblivious to her hatred for him.

They married and a few days later, it was a romantic honeymoon to Italy, without her. Alas, he had to go to work, and every day, the besotted general would write his wife love letters, while she was back home in Paris, Netflix and chilling with other men.
She made many excuses as to why she could not join him in Italy, and went as far as telling him she was pregnant and thus could not travel. She was not with child of course, which is surprising considering the amount of Parisian baguette she gobbled. She just wasn’t interested in giving the general a chance to show her he was worthy of her heart.

When the cuckolded Napoleon found out, angered by the betrayal, he decided to come back to France in a mission to cherish her. Napoleon’s attempt to win her heart lasted too briefly when she arrived and told him the reason she was no longer pregnant was due to a miscarriage. This devastated Napoleon. (I bet you didn’t know all this about the tiny man we mock).

After she cheated on him a few more times, he no longer loved her, but in a twist of fate, she now was falling in love with him. The story goes that Josephine was forever in love with Napoleon from the moment he parted ways with her. As she was dying of diphteria, her last word was ‘Napoleon’. He later re-married the Archduchess of Austria Maria-Louisa, later renamed Marie Louise because Napoleon didn’t like her name.

Tall men don’t necessarily make better men. Neither do ‘bad boys’. Ladies, give the not so tall nerds a chance, they might surprise you and go above and beyond to swoon you off your feet. And if they seem to try hard like Napoleon, it might just be because they’re really besotted by you. My wife told me she wasn’t sure about getting with me because I was too weird, but luckily one of her friends convinced her to give me a chance, and now we’re happily married. Give the nerds a chance.

Is Cheating Ever OK?

by Virginia Jonesin RELATIONSHIPS

Would you tell your friend if you saw their significant other on a dinner date with another?

Q: Is cheating ever OK?

At the very least, cheating means you don’t value the relationship you’re in. If you cheat once, think about what this means about your relationship with your partner- you have taken a risk that they could get hurt, they could get an STD, they could be embarrassed- so that you could have a short-term positive experience. If you continue cheating, consider ending your relationship, because you are clearly not committed or fulfilled.  Instead of taking that as an excuse to cheat, be honest with your partner and stop seeing them.

If you think you’re “just the cheating kind”, consider not having relationships.

If your partner has cheated on you, it will hurt, but you should ask if they’re interested in staying with you or if they’re shopping for other partners. Try to be honest about what you expect from them. Almost everyone cheats during their lifetime- it doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship but it must be addressed.

If you accept a partner’s continued cheating even though it hurts you- this lets the partner know that you don’t value yourself and that anything goes. This is not a good place to be for your emotional health.

Cheating hurts people in a very deep, sometimes irrational way.  Think about a relationship of yours that ended without infidelity, and about one that ended with it.  Do you feel differently about them?  Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.  If you are cheating “on your way out” of a relationship- consider ending your relationship first. You and your partner will have a better experience and nicer memories of each other if infidelity doesn’t color the end of your time together.

Q: Would you tell your friend if you saw their significant other on a dinner date with another?

I would not. I would tell my friend if their significant other was sending out pictures of his dick to other people. Even then, it doesn’t change anything. Usually, it just makes my friend upset.  It’s very difficult to give someone information that they don’t want, even if months later they recognize it was probably true.

Q: How do you feel about infidelity in celebrity relationships, like the rumors about Brad, Marion Cotillard, and Angelina?

If we assume that the thing that ended Brangelina was, in fact, cheating: I think that a mature relationship could have survived infidelity- so I suspect that this is not the first time, but the last that Angelina could deal with.

When infidelity is public, I think that changes things. It’s one thing to work on issues at home, see a therapist, try to communicate- it’s another when everyone on the street and everyone you see knows that your partner betrayed you and hurt you. Think about being at Ralph’s (or, let’s face it, Whole Foods or Gelson’s) and seeing people’s faces full of pity for you, when all you wanted was an organic wheatgrass juice.

That being said- I don’t think a marriage is a failure just because it ends. Because our society has changed to value the individual over the couple- everything is stacked against long marriages. You can learn a lot from marriage and grow as a person, even though that union didn’t last until death did you part.

All in all, the reason we call it cheating is that it’s a betrayal of what you have agreed on in your relationship.  If you don’t want to be monogamous, don’t be.  Cheating on your current partner as a trial for a potential relationship is a poor use of everyone’s trust.  If all of your relationships end in infidelity, consider doing the brave thing and ending the relationship before stepping out.

Unrequited Love: Falling for Someone Who Prefers the Opposite Sex

by Clementine Francesin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Unrequited love: am I like the girls I feel sad for?

So, one time, I fell hard for a guy. Relationships were only a concept that existed in fairy tales as far as I was concerned.  But, one day I met a guy who I thought was interested in me, and I decided if he asked me out I would say yes. We were always excited to see each other. We always spoke whenever the opportunity came, and I thought maybe something would happen.  But then he would say let’s hang and then not follow through. Or he would go days without texting, and I thought to myself: am I like the girls I feel sad for? The ones who settle for crap boys who don’t treat them well just because I wanted something to happen so badly?

It turned out he was gay!

He was attentive and interested in me as a friend! He cooked for me, invited me to things, said kind things about me. And I thought this was the behavior of a man interested, but it was the behavior of someone who liked me as a person, albeit semi sucky friend (cuz you don’t keep flaking on people!) That was strange, and devastating. Here I was, ready to believe that romance was not something that only belonged in books, movies, and songs and I fell for the wrong person.

I wanted him so badly to be bisexual before the idea of dating a bisexual guy was a stretch for me. It showed me that I was willing to give up anything I stood for just to try love. And I felt sad for myself. As a serial single person I thought I was strong in who I was. The minute someone showed genuine interest I wasn’t who I believed I was. It’s amazing how feelings can change your convictions.

Convictions, perhaps, are circumstantial.

Back to the safety of unrequited love: if you fall for a gay guy your friends don’t have to know, and you can feel like an idiot privately. Now, I’m afraid that if a guy shows interest in me it’s because he’s gay. There are three guys I call friends and I assumed they were all gay. Just found out one wasn’t, at least that’s what he has us believe, and now I’m curious if I’ve just assumed that about the other two. The way I’ve seen these boys is who I’ve decided them to be. The one that I am currently interested in could easily be gay. But, I have no idea if it’s just my preconceived notions. Now I feel bad that I could fall for a gay guy twice.

I should be able to tell the difference between a guy who is kind and a guy who is gay. My toxic experience with men in my life have eclipsed my ability to trust.  I FIND THEM ALL SUSPICIOUS!

Pros and cons of unrequited love when it comes to a man whose sexuality you’re not sure about?

Pros:

  • You have a great, kind man in your life
  • No one has to know you fell for a guy who could never fall for you

Cons:

  • If you ask him sooner than you don’t have to waste your time falling for him
  • You don’t have to live in uncertainty
  • You could sleep better at night
  • You could move on with your life
  • You could stop beating yourself up
  • You could stop being a victim

The cons outweigh the pros! Perhaps, unrequited love is not safe at all. It’s very dangerous to the psyche, the soul, the heart. What if I lived my life open and honestly? What if I loved freely? Maybe I’d be happier. Maybe I wouldn’t be hiding pieces of who I am. I believe living partially in secrecy affects one wholly.

I don’t believe in the safety of unrequited love anymore.  I’m about to quote John Green so please forgive me, but “It hurt, because it mattered.” Love or feeling anything comes with vulnerability and it can hurt because it matters.

I have not taken my advice yet, “ I give very good advice, but I seldom follow it.” Bit of Alice in Wonderland there for ya, but I digress. It might take me two years, but I’ll get there. I hope in 2017 you and I could live our lives out loud! No more hiding!

Finding Your Ho, Ho, Ho this Holiday, When You’re Single

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Happy Holidays, Fellow Single Folks!

Ho, ho, ho …. you’re alone!!! Do you ever feel like the holidays put a great, big, exclamation point on the sad fact that you currently aren’t with anyone? Does all that mistletoe, tinsel, and Christmas cheer make you feel all kinds of lonely? Yeah. Me too. Whether you are divorced, single, nursing a broken heart, or even widowed, like me – the holiday season can really do a number on your ability to feel joy. In fact, it can be downright depressing.

But it doesn’t have to be. Sure, singing Christmas carols and harmonizing by yourself, or making a gingerbread house for one, doesn’t sound like loads of fun – but there are ways that you can turn the holidays from a time of “woe is me” to a time of something special and meaningful. And perhaps even have some fun and do something a bit different in the process. Really. All it takes is thinking a bit outside the box. Here are a few ways to have a purposeful, meaningful, joyful holiday – while being single:

Get Outside: 

Maybe in past years, you have done the same tired thing, over and over and over again. Perhaps its time to change it up, do something new. If you’re single, guess what? You don’t have to answer to anyone, so if you feel like spending Christmas week in a casino, seeing a Broadway show, or on a beach in Florida, who says you can’t? Sure, you’ll still be alone and single, but suddenly that doesn’t seem so awful with a coconut rum drink in your hand while floating along in a pool. Also, when you do something completely different and new with your holiday, think of all the stories you’ll have for the rest of your friends and family. They might even end up being jealous, and that’s always fun.

Start New Traditions:

So you watch “A Christmas Story” on a loop, every Christmas Eve, every single year, for your entire life. That doesn’t mean you have to keep doing that until the end of time. If you want to do that, then great. But sometimes all it takes to feel new joy is a little bit of change. If you normally have hot cocoa with marshmallows, be a rebel and switch to whipped cream! Perhaps you could even gather together with other single friends, and together, create a lovely holiday dinner or evening, complete with your own brand new traditions. The good thing about new traditions, is that they feel very personal, because YOU created them. And now, you already have something to look forward to next year!

Help Out:

It is very easy to get caught up in all the ways that your own life kind of sucks during the holidays. One good way to help take the focus off of that for awhile, is to find ways to give to other people whose lives probably suck a lot more than yours does.The Thanksgiving after my husband’s death, I volunteered at a women’s shelter serving food for the holiday. The people there were so nice and so appreciative of everything, it took my mind off my own stuff for awhile, and it also helped me to engage in something that was far outside my own life circle. I actually had fun, and ended up doing more things like that going forward.

Be a Kid, Play with Kids:

Just because you’re officially an adult, that doesn’t mean you have to be serious all the time. Children love the holidays, because they get to be kids and just have fun! Who says you can’t do the same? If you have kids in your family, play with them. Build a snowman together. Build a fort. Make Christmas cookies. Make silly videos on Instagram and make each other laugh. If there are no kids in your life (I have a niece and nephew, so it’s always fun to be silly with them), bring back the kid in YOU, and have some fun this time of year. Go sledding, or snowmobiling. If you’re in a warm climate place, take a swim or a stroll.

Whatever you decide to do this holiday season, being single isn’t the end of the world. Yes, it can be sad and it can certainly be frustrating when everyone around you seems to be part of a couple. But, if you can focus on the celebration of love in all it’s forms – the holidays will start to become much more enjoyable.

So Happy Holidays, Fellow Single Folks! Here’s a toast to you, in all your awesomeness!

True Love Lessons with Sierra

by Sierra Mercierin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Are you struggling to find LOVE?

sierra wedding

Watch as Sierra Mercier:

  1. Shares her wedding (The First Winner of ‘the Knot’ Dream Wedding).
  2. Discusses tips on how to be successful in finding LOVE.
  3. Shares the ‘True LOVE Lessons’.

Why Women Love Dating in a Different Age Bracket

by zfortadminin LOVE

10 women tell their stories of how their relationships with older or younger partner make them happy

He Was Ready to Become a Dad

Despite an age gap of more than a decade, Colleen Smith and her husband Damian cite many factors that make their marriage work, including her role as the oldest child in her family and their common interests. But it was his dad potential that really won her over. “My husband is 13 years older than I am. The age difference has been good for us because I have a daughter from a previous relationship and Damian was more mature and able to navigate the delicacy of becoming a stepfather,” she says.

He’s an Old-Fashioned Gentleman

“My fiance is 30 years older than me,” says Tirzah Allen. While she waits for people to pick their jaws up off the floor, she explains the benefits of marrying someone old enough to be her dad. “The best thing about the age difference being so dramatic is that we both teach each other so many things about our generations,” she says. Ted is a big fan of old-fashioned chivalry, making sure to open doors for her, pulling out her chair and bringing her little gifts. “I love that he is such a gentleman. I always feel like a lady because he always treats me like one,” she says.

He Makes Me Feel Young

When Marianne Bright first met Christopher Farquhar, she didn’t know that she was graduating high school when he was just starting it. “He has such an old soul,” she exclaims. But she says the age difference, however small it is, is good for their relationship. “He appreciates my point of view and values my opinion as much as I do his. Plus, his boyish personality helps me be more relaxed and better enjoy the funnier things in life. I also tease him about being younger than my youngest sibling. That’s always fun at family gatherings!”

He Balances Me Out

Suzi Pugh says her marriage works because of the 14-year age gap between her and her husband, not in spite of it. “There certainly are some tricky aspects to our age difference but his responsibility and no-BS attitude balance me out. He’s the ying to my yang and all that jazz!” she says.

He Has an Ageless Soul

When it comes to true love, two decades don’t matter as much as you’d think, says Caitlin Constantine. “My husband’s got 18 years on me, but honestly, it’s one of those things that rarely comes up in our relationship unless we’re talking about specific cultural touchstones. But those things are really just cosmetic,” she explains. “The important parts—the parts of us that are most compatible—are without age!” The couple is passionate about endurance sports and takes every opportunity to train together for their next race. Their racing team even earned them a Couple of the Year award.

Caitlin says they share an outlook on life too. “We both tend to prize intangibles like ideas, experiences and relationships over the pursuit of materialistic things like fancy cars or big houses,” she says, adding they’re both “total do-gooders.”  She explains, “Brian once said that one of his main goals in life is to be useful and that’s something I feel strongly about too.”

He Keeps Me Calm

“I love the fact that he’s older and has a different perspective on things than I do,” says Tammy Macias, of her husband, who’s 19 years her senior. She adds that all his life experience comes in handy for her as well. “He’s much calmer in stressful situations than I am!”

He’s Not Afraid of My Success

Meghan McCann has always been an overachiever, but all her hard work has paid off—she has an established career in a field she loves, a house, and spends a lot of time traveling. The only problem was she felt like she was running laps around guys her age. So when she met her fiance Dave and found out he was nearly a decade older, she saw the age gap as an advantage, placing them on equal footing. “Because of where I am in my life and career—what some men would consider ‘ahead’—we connected better than I did with men my age I had previously dated.”

He Loves Being My “Boy Toy”

When Cathy Shipp met her would-be husband Kevin, it was love at first sight, despite the fact that she is significantly older. “We have a lot of fun with the older woman stereotype! He calls me ‘cougar,’ ‘cradle robber,’ ‘old lady,’ and stuff like that. And I call him my ‘boy toy!'” she says. “He’s just plain great.”

He’s Older But Acts Younger

Heather Gannoe may be 12 years younger than her husband Jeff, but she often feels like the responsible adult in the relationship. His playful nature and energy make her laugh, but she says he does know how to be a grown-up (when he has to be). “Sometimes he acts younger than me, but he has a good head on his shoulders, takes things seriously when necessary, but doesn’t get uptight over things. Something I think that kind of wisdom really does come with age!” she says.

She Takes Care of Me

“I scored with our 8-year age difference!” Jan Graham says of marrying Robin Wright. Not only is the age gap not an impediment but she says Robin’s stability has allowed her to do the things she’s most passionate about, like running her fitness blog and starting a life coaching business. “My wife is further along in her career and brings home most of the bacon, not to mention she has all that great experience and wisdom stuff too,” Jan says. “Yet she’s young enough at heart to join me on adventures and boogie down on the dance floor and just be a crazy silly goofball sometimes!” The age gap has had another unexpected benefit: Jan points out it has spared them for going through menopause at the same time. (Way to find the silver lining of hormonal havoc, ladies!)

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Love or Drugs: Do You Have an Addict Lover that Can’t Choose?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Love or Drugs?

A Hopeless Ultimatum: ‘It’s Me or the Drugs’.

When you love an addict, you spend a lot of time and energy hoping he or she will change. You probably put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior. The addict may steal from you, lie to you and make promises that he doesn’t keep. He or she may disappear for days on end and neglect you or other family members, including children. The person you fell in love with doesn’t seem to be there anymore.

You may reach a point that you feel you can’t take it anymore and you threaten to leave. You issue the ultimate threat:

It’s drugs or me.

You hope he’ll choose you. You expect him to choose you. Anyone who really loved you would choose you, wouldn’t he?

It’s not that simple.

The Nature of Addiction

The nature of addiction is that the addict is obsessed with using drugs. He chases the effect provided by drugs compulsively and on a level that is far beyond his control. No matter how much he wants to choose you, he can’t.

If he could simply choose to stop, he wouldn’t be an addict.

The urge to continue to use drugs is both psychological and physical. Attempts to discontinue use result in extremely unpleasant, even dangerous, side effects. If he tries to stop, he may experience shaking, sweating or a sense of extreme panic. In some cases, discontinuing drug use abruptly can lead to seizures or death.

When an addict uses drugs over a long period of time, he experiences changes to his brain. Levels of chemicals in the brain known as neurotransmitters are altered. Not only is the pleasure center of the brain affected, but there are also changes in the way the addict learns and makes decisions.

Experiencing life under the influence of chemicals is his new normal, and life without mind-altering drugs feels terribly abnormal to him. At this point, his relationship with drugs has become the most important relationship in his life. Anything that threatens that relationship is likely to be discarded, not because he wants to choose drugs over you, but because he has to. He truly doesn’t have a choice.

He will choose drugs over everything, not just his relationship with you. Drugs will come before his job, his friends, his other family members, his church, his goals, his dreams and even his basic survival tools such as food and water. He may forget to eat and may neglect personal hygiene.

Your Role in Breaking the Cycle of Addiction

Loving an addict is painful. You stand by helplessly watching your loved one destroy himself and you may feel hopeless. The more you scream, yell or threaten, the more he turns to drugs and tries to blame you. You may try to set limits and ultimatums to no avail and eventually you may decide to end the relationship if the addict won’t give up the drugs.

You are truly powerless over his addiction.

You can’t control or cure his addiction, but you may have some influence over him. Family members may join together for an intervention. If you follow through on ultimatums and threats and learn to stop enabling addictive behavior, there is a chance the addict will be willing to take steps to get help.

The most important thing you need to focus on is taking care of yourself. Put energy into focusing on your own life instead of trying to control him. Join a support group such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Learn as much as you can about the disease of addiction, and about your own codependence.

Although it is painful, remind yourself that if the addict chooses drugs over you, it’s not personal. If addicts could choose not to use drugs, they wouldn’t be addicts.

Choosing to stay in the relationship is a personal decision. As long as you live with an active addict, you need to get help and support for yourself. Offer as much love and support to yourself as you offer to the addict. Learn to set boundaries to protect yourself, and know that his rejection of you is caused by addiction, not absence of love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

True Love Lessons with Sierra: When You Know, You Know

by Sierra Mercierin LOVE

How do you “know” if someone is the right person for you?

sierra

Watch as Sierra Mercier:

  1. Shares her wedding (The First Winner of ‘the Knot’ Dream Wedding).
  2. Discusses, ‘When you know, you know.’ How do you “know” if someone is the right person for you?
  3. Shares the ‘True LOVE Lessons’.

Love On the Brain? Here is Why You Feel That Way…

by zfortadminin LOVE

Love is an inevitable part of the human experience, and ironically, the least understood.

Love on the brain? Ever since the beginning of time, we have been trying to understand what this all-consuming, life-changing feeling is all about. But we haven’t reached satisfactory answers, or a definition of love that everyone can agree on. One thing we all agree on, though, is that love comes from the heart, right? Think again, because this tenet has been proven wrong.

Dr. Helen Fischer, an anthropologist and expert on romantic love, conducted thousands of fMRIs, and found that when one is in love, it is the hypothalamus that gets activated. The hypothalamus is the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions, sleep, hormones and physical expression of emotions. So, that urge you feel to hug, kiss and make love to your partner comes from here. Every time you cuddle or have sex with your partner, your body also releases oxytocin, which is the hormone responsible for attachment. This is how someone comes to be “special” to you.

The hypothalamus is also the pleasure-and-reward centre of the brain. When you’re in love, a large amount of the happy hormone called dopamine is released. This is registered in the hypothalamus as a reward, which kicks off a mechanism similar to addiction. In the presence of the object of your desire, happy hormones are released and you feel great. In their absence, the level of these hormones dips … and you feel like shit. All you want then, is for your lover to come back. Sounds like addiction, right?

According to Dr. Helen Fisher, love has the three characteristics of addiction: tolerance, withdrawal and relapse:

Tolerance means that you want to see more and more of your partner to feel the same level of happiness and satisfaction. You want to go from dinner dates every weekend to mid-week lunches, to nights over, to moving in together.

Withdrawal means that when your partner is not around, you don’t feel good. You feel low, unhappy and crave them.

Relapse is extremely common. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as actually getting back with your partner, but even when you’re reminded of them, you are relapsing.

Have you ever wondered why you feel more energetic and generally healthier when you’re in love? That sparkle in the eyes of those in love isn’t mythical or just a fancy twist of words. Love is a visceral experience, and your body chemistry changes because of it. It is an antidote to illnesses and actually increases one’s lifespan. It makes sense that the pain of losing a loved one is so extreme, and hard to bounce back from. Because just like love, breaking up is also biological.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Time for a Paint Job? What Bedroom Color is Best for Getting Turned On

by zfortadminin SEX TIPS

Look to surprising revelations about bedroom wall colors to get more of what you want

More sleep and more sex? Yes, please! A new survey involving 2,000 Brits shows a strong correlation between the color of your bedroom walls and decor with how much sleep and sex you’re having. The takeaway: People with blue rooms appear to be getting the best night’s sleep, while people with caramel-colored walls are having the most sex. Let the mad dash to invent caramel-blue paint begin!

Here’s how the survey breaks it down.

Of course, you don’t see much color with your eyes closed and the lights off, but the color of your walls and decor affects how you sleep before you close your eyes, the survey found.

On average, the survey respondents sleeping in a blue bedroom get seven hours and 52 minutes of sleep, the most in the survey, which was conducted by Travelodge, a budget-friendly hotel chain in the U.K. Builders, teachers and civil servants tend to choose blue most often for their bedrooms, according to the survey.

The study surmises that since blue has long been associated with feelings of calmness — water, blue sky etc. — the color helps us chill out before sleep.

In fact, blue also is said to help reduce blood pressure and heart rate, for more sound sleep.

“This is an amazing result, as there are specialized receptors called ganglion cells in the retina part of our eyes, which are most sensitive to the color blue,” says Chris Idzikowski, a sleep expert at the Edinburgh Sleep Centre, in a press release about the study. “These receptors feed information into an area deep in our brain that controls 24-hour rhythms, and affects how we perform and feel during the day. That interaction between light, sleep and wakefulness is supremely important.”

An amazing 58 percent of Brits in the survey who sleep in blue rooms say they regularly wake up feeling happy. Cheerio!

Certain shades of yellow come in second in promoting the best night’s sleep: seven hours and 40 minutes on average per night.

Warm yellow relaxes the body by stimulating the nervous system and calming the nerves.

Green also creates a calm and soothing vibe, which is why it appears to be the third best color for getting sleep. People with green rooms get an average of seven hours and 30 minutes of sleep per night, and 22 percent of those surveyed say they wake up “feeling upbeat and positive.”

The survey suggests that a soothing silver bedroom mimics moonlight, which cues the brain to know that it’s nighttime and time for sleep.

People with silver bedrooms get an average of seven hours and 33 minutes of sleep, while 21 percent surveyed say they are more motivated to exercise in their bedroom.

Orange, surprisingly, is close behind, with people getting an average of seven hours and 28 minutes of sleep. The warm color also creates a “stable and reassuring atmosphere and can even help digestion too — especially if you have eaten a large or late-evening meal,” according to the survey.

The color has also been found to relax muscles, so you fall asleep more quickly.

Bankers and estate agents tend to choose gold decor, the study found.

Though similar to silver, gray, an incredibly popular house paint color, didn’t perform well in the study; people in gray rooms get an average of only six hours and 12 minutes of sleep per night.

It’s thought that brown and gray can be “dreary and depressing, especially in the bedroom, and make occupants feel emotionally isolated and uncomfortable — resulting in a restless sleep,” the study says.

What’s more, the survey found that Brits with gray rooms spend the most time shopping online in bed.

Those with a brown, cream or white bedroom are most likely workaholics who take their work to bed with them at least three times per week. Shop workers are most likely to have these colors in their bedrooms.

Purple bedrooms performed the worst for sleep. On average, people in purple bedrooms get five hours and 56 minutes per night.

While elegant and artistic, the color is thought to be overly mentally stimulating. Coupled with a busy day, purple walls can make it difficult to turn off a racing mind and switch into sleep mode. (I’m guessing the color has a different affect on chipper dinosaurs named Barney.)

Most interesting, to me anyway, is that the study found that couples in bedrooms with a caramel decor scheme have sex, on average, three times per week.

Unfortunately, the study doesn’t offer any possible reasons. Is the color tricking people into thinking about Milky Way candy bars and chocolate, making them more excited? Or is that just the case in my house?

Not much magic apparently happens in red bedrooms, where couples make love once a week on average. Maybe Roxanne should have put on a caramel-colored light?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

7 Rules for Tapping Your Intuition in Love

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

From mind-reading on a date to tuning into psychic alarm bells, how you can use your sixth sense to find the perfect man…

Are you fed up looking for love in all the wrong places? It might be time to tune in to your intuition. As a psychic consultant, I believe the real reason we struggle to find the perfect partner is because we ignore our instincts.

We turn our back on our inner wisdom and listen to what people tell us rather than using our sixth sense. The results are confusion and heartbreak. You might think love is complicated, but when you use your instincts you’ll see it’s simple.

Follow my steps for getting in touch with your intuition and you’ll be able to mind-read your dates and suss out the Mr Rights and Mr Wrongs — and find a partner who is perfect for you…

YOUR SECRET POWERS

Did you know you can read minds?

We all have intuitive power. All of us have had feelings about people that have been correct, yet we can’t put our finger on why we felt the way we did.

We often know when a partner is lying to us, even if every logical sign is to the contrary. The problem arises when we choose to ignore these feelings.

‘I knew something wasn’t right from the start,’ my client will tell me, a month after her date has run off with her best friend. ‘But I hoped for the best.’ If only she’d listened to her inner wisdom.

How to tap into that intuition

Often, our minds are filled with daily chores, worries and problems. When our mind is full like this, we’re far away from our intuition and, as a result, we make bad decisions — particularly when it comes to relationships.

So set aside half an hour a day to clear your mind. Turn off the radio, TV and your mobile phone, close your eyes and let go of your thoughts and worries.

Intuitive thought comes from a calm place, but it also comes from taking notice of the signs the world is giving you . . .

SEVEN RULES OF INTUITION

Rule One: Believe In Yourself

The minute you begin to doubt yourself, your intuition stops talking to you.

Rule Two: Relax

The mind must be calm to let the right energy come through.

Rule Three: Listen to your dreams

Intuitive thoughts often come to us in dreams. So when you wake up, jot down as many details as you can remember, which will help make clearer the messages your dreams are trying to give you.

Rule Four: Notice coincidences

If you bump into an old friend, keep in touch. The universe is trying to send you a message — let your intuition be your guide.

Rule Five: Don’t ignore your feelings

Don’t try to suppress negative feelings with a chocolate bar. Instead of snacking to make yourself feel better, face up to what is making you unhappy.

Rule Six: Pay attention to your body

How often have you heard people say such things as ‘He makes me sick to my stomach’? Take time to listen to what your body is saying.

Rule Seven: Practice

No one would take an exam without study. It’s the same with intuition — use it every day to build up your powers.

UNDERSTAND YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIPS

Love cycles

Do you understand why past relationships ended? I’ve counselled many clients who have lived out the same bad relationship over and over again. Their partners change, but the relationship is the same.

Here are the five negative love cycles I see clients repeat over and over again:

You never get past the first few dates;
He leaves you for his ex;
He stops calling you;
He cheats on you;
He’s never good enough for you.

Don’t ignore psychic alarm bells

Now that we’ve identified the cycles, it’s time to take responsibility for your past relationships. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck with negative feelings. What warning signs did you ignore in the relationship?

Have you ever replayed a situation in your head after a relationship has ended and said to yourself ‘I knew something wasn’t right when he said that’? That’s a psychic alarm bell.

Look at your past two relationships or dating experiences and see if you can identify the alarm bells.

Write out three or four pages about each one, from how you met to how it all ended. Now, take a good look at what you’ve written and work out which warning signs you chose to ignore.

Did he ever talk about his former girlfriend and, if so, how did you feel at the time? Were there any unexplained date cancellations? What were the situations that gave you cause for alarm, but you brushed over?

You will see there was at least one alarm bell, and most likely four or five. Here is the important part: Learn from them. Look out for them in your next relationship.

Asking painful questions

Ask your intuition why you seek out these kinds of relationship. It might be painful, but it’s only in taking responsibility that you can move on.

If you never get past a few dates, is it because you are picking partners you aren’t suited to? If so, why?

If you keep going for men with former girlfriends in the wings, is it because you don’t think you really deserve a man with a clean slate?

And if no man is ever good enough for you, is it really because a bad relationship or complicated family background left you terrified of being hurt?

The biggest block to finding true love is self-esteem. Tune in to your higher self to access the confident, happy, loving you.

‘SEE’ YOUR SOULMATE

Now that you’ve reconciled your past, it’s time to look to the future.

I’m always amazed by how few people have taken the time to consider who is their perfect partner — Mr Right.

The Power of 100

This is a psychic tool to imagine your perfect mate. Take a piece of paper and write out at least 100 things you would like in your future partner.

You could include ‘qualities’ such as ‘loves watching EastEnders’ and ‘can ride a bike with no hands’. Write only positive statements.

Once you’ve noted the qualities you would like, you will have a picture of the person with whom you want to spend your life.

Believe it or not, that person exists and is on his way. Your soulmate might be a new person or an old friend who drifts back into your life at exactly the right moment.

DATING

Mind-reading when you meet

Feelings are the messengers of the intuition. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re spending time with a new love interest. Most people have a few nerves when they’re dating, especially if they’re really interested in someone, and this is fine. But do you feel anything else? Happiness? Comfort or discomfort? Unusual levels of anxiety? Take note.

How to spot Mr Wrong

You might meet people who aren’t good relationship material — you’ll need your intuition to be on the alert for men who aren’t what they seem to be.

There are three types of Mr Wrong: Married Men, Players and Commitment-phobes. Each comes with his own early warning system. If he pays only with cash and can’t see you at weekends — is he married? If he says charming things, but his actions say he couldn’t care less — is he a game player?

Listen to those psychic alarm bells.

How to spot Mr Right

Once you’ve got past the first few dates, how do you know love is long-term? Your intuition has a special way of showing you that a man genuinely cares.

There are many psychic love signs — he might choose dates that match your taste — but mostly it is just a feeling. Finding Mr Right will make you feel warm, contented, special and safe.

By tuning in to your powers of intuition you will find this true love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Love and Obsession: How to Tell Them Apart and Leave One Behind

by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

I’ve been the target and I’ve been the obsessed and neither of them feel great.

Scenario One: You can’t stop thinking about him.  You go to sleep thinking about him and wake up wondering what he’s doing.  When you wake up, you already have a message from him saying that he can’t stop thinking about you either.

You’re in new love!

Scenario Two: You can’t stop thinking about him.  You go to sleep thinking about him and wake up wondering what he’s doing, and hope you’ll see him soon.  You feel like your connection is so strong, you’ve just got to be together.  You think you’re in love.

You’re not.  You’re obsessed.

Obsession and unrequited love can seem extremely romantic, and are frequently romanticized in works of fiction.  Love stories like The Princess Bride, Pretty in Pink, Edward Scissorhands and The Notebook all have love stories that originate in one-sided obsession. In many films, this single-minded pursuit is rewarded by the return of that love.  In real life, that could happen, but more frequently it does not.

Music is rife with obsession- in Late Night, Maudlin Street, Morrissey (the OG romantic obsessive) says “I could list the detail of everything you ever wore or said or how you stood”- Stevin Merritt’s The Magnetic Fields lets a girl know that he’s just a fan who remembers every dress she ever wore.  Pretty much all Evanescence songs are about obsession or stalking.  Look out for fans of that band.

If you’re not loved back, obsession can lead to unhealthy attachment, stalking, or just profound unhappiness as the obsessed person refuses to let go of the object of attachment, perhaps believing that they have no power to do so, and missing out on other possible partners while they are blinded by their pursuit of one.  In the circular logic of obsession, the obsessed person will sabotage new relationships to self-fulfill their belief that they can only be happy with the object of their obsession.  “SEE, THERE IS NOBODY FOR ME BUT CARLA!”

Real love is much more practical than people think- attraction is magical and capricious, chemical in many ways, but in the day to day, love is something two people make together with words and deeds, because they are attracted to each other and care for each other, and it’s not something you can do with yourself.  Like the tango, it takes two.  If you say to yourself, “If only they knew how much I loved them…” you can stop right there.  You’re not in love, you’re obsessed.

I’m Not Really Obsessed, Am I?

Sometimes the slide from normal crush to unhealthy obsession feels gradual, and you might not even notice- but if you’ve been interested in a person for a while, you’ve made your interest known, and it’s not returned- it’s time to back off and try to leave that idea behind.  You’re not in love, because you don’t really know this person.  You’re imprinting on some traits you like and filling in everything else with information of your own making.  You’re in love with an idea of them, and that person you think you love likely doesn’t exist.

I’ve been the target and I’ve been the obsessed and neither of them feel good.  If you know someone cares for you and you don’t feel the same way, you feel pity and guilt and can feel like a failure for not feeling the same way.  If you’re obsessed with someone who doesn’t care for you, it feels like you’ll never care for anyone else.

A friend of mine was telling me about going to a wedding of a woman he was obsessed with, and how he thought it was important that he go and support the bride, even though it made him want to collapse as he stood in a room of happy people watching her pledge her eternal love for another man.  He spoke about his feelings for her, the length and depth and passion of those feelings, and it would be easy to assume that she was an ex lover, but they had never been anything more than friends.  This didn’t keep him from feeling betrayed, from being miserable, and from cutting other dating pursuits short because they failed to measure up to her, his impossible goal.

OK, I’m Obsessed.  How Do I Get Out?

You might think that you’re stuck obsessing over someone, because they’re perfect for you and WHY DON’T THEY SEE THAT?, but you control your own mind and thoughts and feelings.  You do!  You can let go of obsessive thoughts and feelings and make healthier choices.  Try the following:

  1. Distance yourself from the object of your obsession, don’t go to places you know they are, don’t stop by their coffeeshop, etc. etc. If you’ve been stalking them on Facebook (which is sort of like an obsession machine in of itself), consider hiding or blocking them until you feel more clarity.
  2. Don’t feed your obsessive thoughts.

Humans love being sad, or feeling sorry for ourselves- it is pleasurable to scratch that itch that makes us miserable.  We also love being in love, and sometimes obsessive thoughts can feel like that, you can get a little shot of endorphin thinking about them. What if you see them today? Will they pursue you?  Etc.  But you do control your thoughts.  Your thoughts are made by you.  When you start thinking about the object of your obsession, try to let it go.  Replace it.  Have a thought or phrase handy ready to replace it, like a mantra.  It can be something or nothing, it can be a nonsense phrase- just have something ready to reset your unhealthy thought cycle.

  1. Distract yourself- with a new hobby, book, or activity.  Go to the gym and concentrate on yourself.  Don’t let idle thoughts go to the person.

Think of this as practicing good mental hygiene, keeping your brain clear- you’ll be amazed at how quickly you retrain your brain to stop dwelling on one person- and one day you’ll see them at the Trader Joe’s and be surprised at how ordinary and non-magical they seem!  You’ll be more open to meeting people who like you back, and whom you can find something real with.

Relationship Games and How to Break the Cycle: True Love Lessons with Sierra

by Sierra Mercierin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Watch as Sierra Mercier and her husband Andre give us ‘True Love Lessons’…

sierra and andre

Sierra and Andre discuss:

  1. Relationship or dating games and some examples.
  2. Tips on how to break the cycle.
  3. Starting a long-term relationship with your partner.

Do you believe true love exist? I do.

I’m Sierra. My husband Andre and I were the first couple to win the Knot Dream Wedding.

Follow me as I share how I attracted True Love into my life.

I’ll share tips and stories that will help open your heart to all of love’s possibilities.

We’re going to share lots of love stories…

Don’t play games!

Sierra: Well, for a chance…

We’ve all been there before. Trying to play the games of relationships…

I am not going to call for three days. Otherwise, I can come too eager… No! Stop playing games.

Are you looking for a real, solid relationship? Let the person you’re interested in know right upfront. Examine what you want.

Scare someone away? They’re not the right person for you.

Here’s an example… For most of my dating life, I’m used to ‘go with the flow’ type. I’d start to like someone and think to myself, we’ll just see what happens. Go with the flow. Wrong!

After several instances, of these leading to disappointment, I decided: First, I was ready for a long-term relationship and second, I was going to let the next person I date know right upfront.

When I met Andre, the very first time he kissed me, I told him I was ready for a relationship. And if he wasn’t, that’s okay. We’ve make great friends.

Andre: That caught me a little off guard but I appreciated her honesty and I had a really good feeling about it. So, I said – alright, I’m ready for a relationship too.

Sierra: We were officially boyfriend and girlfriend one week later.

Saying what you want right from the get go will save you precious time, painful heartache and will lead out toads from the prince charmings.

Tune in next time for more True Love Lessons with Sierra…

Andre: …and Andre

Sierra: Love you.

Andre: Love you.