Intimacy Archives - Page 8 of 11 - Love TV

Tag: Intimacy

Sleeping in Separate Rooms. Could It Make Your Love Life Better?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

We’ve both reached the point where neither of us feels rejected.

Why do two people who love each other — and have a normal, healthy relationship otherwise — sleep apart? There are a number of reasons, but our big theme is respect: We both respect each other and know how important sleep is to our lives. It is irrational to think that two professionals in their 40s would have identical schedules. We have reached a point that we are grateful that neither of us feels rejected if we don’t sleep together.

My partner and I had both been married prior to our relationship, and so I believe we have different expectations and less insecurities than we had or most people have in a first marriage. We are able to sleep together comfortably (and we do on vacations and weekends), but on your average weeknight, we sleep in different beds.

Now in our 40s, he and I have known each other for 30 years. Romantic notions about sleeping peacefully intertwined don’t exist, at least not for us. Instead, we’re lucky to have a nice guest/spare room with a queen-sized bed that works well for my partner. He is still always welcome in our master bedroom and bed. Before we go to sleep at night, we watch television or a movie together, and even sometimes fall asleep. But inevitably, he will be gone if I wake up during the night, and always when I get up in the morning.

I am a writer by trade, mostly freelance. I write for others while also working on my own projects. I’m what you call a “creative type.” My work, my schedule, and my brain don’t work in a 9 to 5 world. I sometimes get an idea and write late or in the middle of the night. I can imagine this would be really annoying if you needed to get up at 5 a.m. to do consulting work in DC. He works in a Brooks Brothers suit. I work in sweats — on a dressy day.

We also both have children from our first marriages. Mine are older and very independent. They both drive, work, and have traveled without me or their father. My partner has young children who need help with their homework and still have a bedtime. His youngest still gets up in the middle of the night, and our guest room is next to his room. It is very convenient for my partner to lie in bed with his son until he falls back to sleep.

The last big reason (that my kind better half would never mention) is the elephant in the room: I snore. And not a cute little snore, but a snore you would image coming out of an 80-year-old man. I have allergies, and even with a septum repair following a nose broken during a lacrosse game, I still snore. Loudly. We went on vacation to London, and I suddenly had no need for my allergy medication. The snoring stopped, and I slept better than I had in years. I value sleep enough that I would move to England now if I could.

Those who know that we sleep in different beds (our kids mostly) would originally ask if we had an argument. We assured them that this wasn’t the case, and depending on that particular day, we would tell them the truth, that one of us was up late working, and the other needed to get up early. It also allows up to spend time with our respective kids and watch a late night movie and hang out.

Years into our relationship, it is still special when we spend the night in the same bed. We don’t take for granted how nice it is to roll over, reach out, and touch your partner!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Watch Out! What One Behavior Spells the End

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal..

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are “pending” divorce after 10 years of marriage.

On the way home from work you have every intention of greeting your partner with a friendly “Hi, how are you? How was your day?” and listening attentively while he or she tells you all about it.

But the minute you open the door and drop your keys on the counter, you find yourself knee-deep in an argument about how he or she bought the wrong type of pepper.

Don’t worry: It’s perfectly normal to get into arguments like these with your significant other every once in a while, John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and founder of the Gottman Institute, told Business Insider.

It’s what happens next that you need to watch out for, he says.

When you express your frustration over the pepper mix-up, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn’t ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he’s right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, “What kind of an idiot doesn’t know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?”

If you find yourself in the second situation, you’re likely displaying contempt for your partner, and it could be putting your relationship in jeopardy.

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal..

Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson found this single behavior is so powerful that they can use it — along with the negative behaviors of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling — to predict divorce with 93% accuracy.

“Contempt,” says Gottman, “is the kiss of death.”

The striking 93% figure comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period) published in 2002. Since then, decades of research into marriage and divorce have lent further support to the idea linking divorce with specific negative behaviors.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or simply began to disengage from conflict within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce, even as far as 16 years down the road.

Why are couples who exhibit this one behavior more likely to split up?

It comes down to a superiority complex.

Feeling smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other means you’re not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more importantly, you’re far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.

Picture a resonance chamber, suggests Gottman, with each person in the relationship a source of his or her own musical (or emotional) vibrations. If each partner is closed off to the other person’s vibes (or emotions) and more interested in unleashing their own feelings of disgust and superiority, these negative vibrations will resound against one another, escalating a bad situation “until something breaks,” Gottman says.

If you’ve noticed yourself or your partner exhibiting this type of behavior, don’t despair — it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Being aware that you’re doing something that could negatively affect your partner is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you’ll likely greatly improve the relationship — and increase your chances of staying together for longer.

Curated by Timothy
Original Article  

Loving Better Through Physical Touch

by zfortadminin LOVE

How do we keep love alive after the “in-love” emotions have evaporated?

Keeping emotional love alive in a marriage makes life much more enjoyable. How do we keep love alive after the “in-love” emotions have evaporated? I believe it is by learning to speak each other’s “love language.” This week we will focus on physical touch.

For some husbands, when they hear the words physical touch, they immediately think of sex. But sexual intercourse is only one of the dialects of this love language. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, back rubs, or an arm around the shoulder are all ways of expressing love by physical touch.

Physical touch can make or break a marital relationship. Do you know how to speak this love language? To the spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than your tender touches. You may give them words of affirmation or gifts, but nothing communicates love like physical touch.

Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return. Remember, you are learning to speak a new language.

When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.

Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? During these times, we need to feel loved more than anything. All marriages will experience crises. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your wife in a time of crisis is to love her. If her primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care. In a time of crisis, a hug is worth more than a thousand words. Physical touch is a powerful love language.

Have you ever had a time when you were in need of a hug? What do you do to let others know that you need a gesture of physical touch? What do you do if your spouse’s love language is physical touch, but you’re not “touchy-feely”?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Do Priests Need Intimacy?

by zfortadminin Sex

I was 16 when I watched The Thorn Birds. Riveted hardly describes it. Rachel Ward’s softly beckoning breasts, Richard Chamberlain’s torturous conundrum between God and girl. To my teenage hormones, the romance was captivating and the sexual tension thrilling.

If the Catholic Church is to survive its sexual assault scourge, it needs to cease denying intimacy and insisting on celibacy as a prerequisite for ministry.

But after four episodes and a speed read through Colleen McCulloch’s 692 breathless pages, I came to a single blinding conclusion: How dumb is it that priests can’t have sex?

I raised it with my maths teacher. How can you concentrate on trigonometry when there’s a nonsensical rule called celibacy preventing the lovely Rachel from getting it on with gorgeous Richard? (Somewhat concerning was the priest being called Ralph, but I digress).

Mr Thomas, as well as teaching Grade 11 maths, also headed up the school’s Christian Fellowship club. Poor man. Imagine having your benign little lesson in tangents hijacked by 20 teens pouring scorn on a central tenet of your faith. From memory, Mr T had a crack at convincing us of the merit of abstention but, as I say, we were 16 and throbbing to the beat of Culture Club. Not having sex for your whole life seemed utterly illogical.

What a validation it is to fledgling adolescent instinct to therefore learn that the Pope at the time was enjoying, if not a sexual relationship, then certainly an intimate one.

Pope John Paul II had a close relationship with a married woman lasting 30 years according to letters unearthed by BBC documentary makers. “I would say they were more than friends but less than lovers,” says Edward Stourton, the journalist who has pored over more 350 letters between the Pope and Polish-born philosopher and writer Anna-Teresa Tymieniecka.

There’s no need to go into what the relationship was or wasn’t. What matters is that it was something. That this man of greatness, the revered mouthpiece of God, needed something that we all need: intimacy. And if we can acknowledge that, we can acknowledge so much more.

At a time when our nation is broken and angered by the Catholic Church, when a cardinal so many upheld stands quivering on the other side of the world, this insight into the church’s humanity should serve as a guiding star to the faith and all who follow it.

Because it’s one of the great mysteries that we have chosen and anointed as our moral and spiritual shepherds men who have half the emotional experience of your average 22-year-old university student.

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The Married Millennial – Are We Too Young?

by RJ Newellin LOVE

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different.

I got married at 21. By today’s standards, that makes me a unicorn.

When I show up with a new tattoo, nobody bats an eye. But the second I say I’m married? I might as well have joined a cult.

“How old are you, again?” my yoga teacher asked.

I answered honestly. “I’m 21.”

Her face must have gone through fifty shades of pity. “Are you sure?”

In our early twenties, we are expected to make adult decisions. Finishing college, choosing our careers, voting in elections – these are not tasks for children. As an adult, I’m allowed to make choices for myself. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

If we can smoke cigarettes in our twenties (risking cancer), own a credit card (and a lifetime of student loan debt), or joining the military (at 18, mind you) – why is marriage such a scary concept to us?

Traditional marriage goes against what many of us have come to know.

“How long have you been together? Because when I was in my twenties…”

This is a trick question. It doesn’t matter how long we have been together – her mind is made up that I am too young. Her conclusion is probably drawn from her own experiences at 21 – and that’s not a bad thing.

A year before, I would have agreed with her. I’ve had every reason to not believe in marriage. My experiences with long-term relationships began much younger than most, and nearly all of them ended in heartbreak. I know what it’s like to think you’ll spend forever with someone, only to leave – or be left. My own parents divorced. My friends’ parents divorced. I’ve been to more divorce dinners than actual weddings…and that’s because I don’t like weddings.

Before my husband came along, I swore off the possibility of long-term relationships completely. Monogamy was a lie. Marriage was an outdated system. Why would a strong, career-minded feminist like myself willingly give herself legally to another person?

I argued this point whenever marriage was mentioned. I questioning my friends’ life choices and cut my own relationships short when things got too serious. I was content to spend the rest of my life as a happily single woman. Now, here I am, with a ring on my finger.

Is it scary? Yes. Do I question my decision? No.

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different. I can’t predict the next ten, twenty, thirty years. But no matter how my life turns out, I will be grateful for having shared it with him.

Nobody can predict the future, and that’s what makes marriage so huge.

I know a couple that dated for ten years before getting married. They divorced after one year. I also know a couple that got married six months after they met. They’ve been married for thirty years, and counting.

There is no guarantee that any relationship will survive. Our generation has been raised to value reward over risk. We want results, now. To many of us, marriage just sounds like a really expensive mistake. It’s easier to live together and have children together, without the hassle of expensive paperwork.

“Why invest in a marriage when you can have all the perks without it?” asked basically everyone.

As soon as our engagement announcement went live on social media, my inbox overflowed with congratulations…and concern.

“Have you been with him long enough to be sure?”

“Does this mean you giving up your career?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“I know it’s not my business, but…”

Sixty years ago, getting married in your twenties was totally normal. But then again, more of us had stable jobs in those days. People weren’t as afraid of the future then as we are now.

Nobody knows where – or who – we’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years. For many, this is why being “tied down” to any one person is terrifying. But for some, this is all the more reason to commit to something – or someone.

We’ve now been married for one year. So far, so good. We know that marriage is hard work. And it’s more than likely that we won’t be the same people in ten years. That’s not a bad thing. It means we’re growing – and hopefully, we’ll grow together.

Maybe you are also in your twenties, and you were hoping this article might help you decide whether to get married or not. My question for you, is – why?

Do your life choices reflect what you want, or what other people want? This applies to everything, not just marriage. Self-sabotage occurs by comparing ourselves to others and waiting for outer validation.

When my lover got down on one knee, he didn’t say, “Hey, friends and family, should she marry me?”

And I didn’t say, “Hold on a second,” and then get out my phone to Google national divorce statistics.

He simply asked, “Will you marry me?”

And I said, “Yes.”

Marriage is a choice between two people, to be made every day for the rest of life. I feel ready, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Love is all that matters. Embrace the way it lives for you.

Are we TOO young?

Want to Create Intimacy At Bedtime?…These Rituals Work for Every Couple

by zfortadminin Sex

The bedroom is a sacred space for a relationship, but it’s about more than just a good mattress, tranquil wall color and comfortable sheets.

You need also to keep consistent bedtime habits with your partner–the kind that almost dare you not to go to bed in total bliss.

Here are four bedtime rules & rituals that happy couples swear by:

They Go to Bed at the Same Time

Going to bed together is a sacred time, and a great opportunity for couples to connect and download their days. If one of you goes to sleep much earlier than the other, try to still make some time around whenever the earlier person goes to bed–even if you need to get up after they’ve gone to sleep.

They Kick Kids & Pets Out of the Bedroom

Bedtime is an intimate hour. Be vigilant about bedtime for the little ones, and make sure your pets have another comfortable place to sleep besides your bed.

They Cuddle Each Other

Physical touch is so important to a good relationship, and cuddling in bed is like a shortcut to intimacy. It’s science: According to The Telegraph, partners who sleep less than an inch apart are more likely to be happy in their relationship.

They Power Down Phones and Turn Off the TV

It’s better for your health and it’s better for your relationship. Without digital distractions, you’re leaving more of an opportunity to start meaningful conversations or, well, whatever else two adults might do in bed together.

What are your (PG-13) bedroom rules?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Fixing Competitive Attitude in Your Relationship

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage. Many marriages could be saved if spouses improved the ways they communicate with each other.

It’s often the simplest bad habits that get couples into trouble. Once a marriage gets on a rough track, negativity grows. Problems escalate as both spouses repeat their mistakes again and again. Take a look at the following communication mistakes and learn how they can be resolved.

1. Yelling at your spouse.

When you feel angry, you probably start raising your voice. Anger creates tension. As tension builds, you look for a way to release or express it. Yelling at your spouse becomes a quick and easy option, although it often causes more trouble than relief.

It may feel good to unleash your tension on your spouse when they upset you, but the sense of satisfaction is often short-lived. Whatever you say in your angry state is likely to add fuel to the fire.

Yelling unleashes lots of strong, negative emotion. No matter what you are trying to communicate at that point, the emotion is going to take center stage. That’s what captures the listener’s attention most. Unfortunately, your spoken message will be diminished or even misunderstood, because you set up your partner to be defensive and frustrated rather than responsive and understanding.

It’s not that you can’t express some strong emotion when you speak – you’re not a robot, after all. But yelling goes well beyond the line. It sets the stage for an exchange of heated emotions rather than clearly communicated words. Even if your emotion is the message you need to share, a purely emotional exchange can easily transform into an exhausting, destructive habit. At some point, emotions need to be communicated in a way that allows you to move past them, not fuel them.

Let Your Words Speak Volumes To Your Spouse

When you can keep your emotion in check, your message can really shine through. This doesn’t mean you should try to shove your emotions out of the way. They may be a very important part of your situation. But remember – the whole point of communicating is to be clearly understood. To do that, your channel of communication must go two ways. Excessive emotion interferes with that. Take a little time alone to help you ride the wave of feelings and let them settle on their own.

Another option is to take a quick exercise break before you continue the conversation. Exercise is a terrific stress reducer and it can easily distract you from your intense feelings. It’s pretty tough to focus on your troubles when you are nearly out of breath … You may also find it helpful to write out the things you want to say so you take care to deliver your message more clearly.

It’s OK to take your time talking about something that makes you really emotional. You’ll get through the problem more easily if you can keep your spouse on your side instead of pushing them away.

2. Having a Competitive Attitude.

Some competition is OK, but anything that isn’t mutual and playful could build a wall.

Competition is all around us. Football games on TV, soccer games at the high school, getting ahead at work, Christmas displays in the neighborhood — you name it and someone will try to win it. You may have to stay ahead of the game in some areas of your life, but your marriage is not one of them. When one person is always the winner, both spouses lose.

Maybe a little competition between the two of you at the racquetball court is OK. And perhaps you can rib each other with your basketball tournament predictions. But that’s about it. Anything that isn’t mutual and playful could build a wall between you.

If you find yourself building a “case” in the back of your mind with supporting bullet points for every disagreement, you may win the argument nearly every time. However, you may do more to exhaust and demoralize your spouse than anything else.

Think about Why You Need To Win

A person with emotional insecurities may overcompensate by trying to look superior to his or her spouse. When they stay on top, they feel stronger and more confident. They may have trouble being vulnerable, even with their spouse. To do so would expose their insecurities. This would clash with their belief that they are successful.

Does this sound like you? Does your spouse tire of your victory dance and your need to always have the upper hand? Maybe they just want you to come back to earth a little. They are probably far happier to be around you when you show some imperfections. You may not be used to your spouse showing tenderness toward you. If you married a great person, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You don’t have to win to feel satisfied.

3. Making Marriage about Me Instead of We.

Have you ever stopped to listen to the chatter going on in your mind? Most likely, it’s focused on you — what you look like, how you just messed something up, what you have on your schedule later, what you are looking forward to, etc.

Naturally, this chatter is somewhat biased because it’s from your perspective. But how about the chatter that relates to your spouse? Is it all about how much fun you will have later, what you expect from your husband or wife, and what kind of mood you are in?

Take Your Spouse’s Viewpoint and Make Their Day Better

Generosity and considerate behaviors can go a long way toward nurturing a great marriage. Instead of wondering if they’ll ever load the dishwasher right, do something you know your spouse will appreciate. Be forewarned: they may not throw you a ticker-tape parade because you did it. Don’t get caught up in the “what’s in it for me” trap again.

If you continue a pattern of being more generous and thoughtful toward your spouse, they’ll eventually say or do something as a response. They might hold their comments back at first because they don’t know if this trend will stick. They may be waiting to see if this generosity is a gimmick or a set of new, positive habits. When they see that you are genuine and consistent with your efforts over time, your message will be clear. Let those selfish thoughts pass by and keep doing loving things for your spouse.

Here’s another secret about making an effort like this: Feelings follow actions. In other words, you may not feel loving at first when you do these generous acts. If they don’t say anything at first, you may really wonder why you are bothering at all. Keep going anyway. The more you act with generosity, the more you’ll naturally feel generous and loving toward your spouse.

Change Marriage Communication Mistakes by Changing Habits

It takes some practice to change old marriage communication mistakes. It’s amazing how the energy between spouses can change so much with just a few changes. When you understand how it all fits together, you can make real progress in your relationship right away.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Sexless Relationship. Is It Ok?

by zfortadminin Sex

As many as 40 million Americans in romantic relationships scant on sex — and some of them are perfectly happy with it. Here’s how to tell if your sexless marriage is healthy, or in need of some sizzle.

Tune into any TV show, the radio, or your Twitter feed, and the message is clear: If you’re in a relationship, you should be having hot, mind-blowing, on-top-of-the-table sex … all the time.

Yet research shows that 10 to 20 percent of romantic relationships in the United States are “sexless,” according to Robert Epstein, PhD, a San Diego-based research psychologist and founder and director emeritus of the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies in Beverly, Mass. That accounts for about 40 million people in the United States.

And that may be an underestimate, because people are reluctant to ‘fess up about no-sex relationships. Because of society’s obsession with sex, some couples feel ashamed to admit that they’re not experiencing a certain level of sexual frequency or satisfaction.

In fact, one survey found that 30 percent of male participants in their 40s and 34 percent in their 50s who were in a relationship hadn’t had sex the previous year. For women in their 40s and 50s, about 21 percent reported no sex with their partner in the previous year.

So what’s really going on in America’s bedrooms?

What ‘Sexless’ Really Means

Technically, a sexless relationship is defined as when a couple has sex less than once a month or less than 10 times a year, says Dr. Epstein.

What does that mean for your relationship? One thing is for sure — it doesn’t mean your relationship lacks love, says Jennifer Freed, PhD, marriage and family therapist in private practice in Santa Barbara, Calif. She estimates that about 5 to 7 percent of the couples she sees in her practice are perfectly happy in their sexless marriages.

If you’re in a sexless relationship, the main thing you should ask yourself is: Are you and your partner content about not having sex?

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I Haven’t Lost My Virginity

by RJ Newellin Sex

When one person “loses” while another one “takes,” is it any surprise why so many of us feel shame years after that disappointing first time? 

It’s awkward to think about the first time. Some people are lucky enough to have become sexually active in a pleasurable way, but I didn’t. And I know I’m not alone. Most of us don’t talk about it, and a lot of us try not to think about it, either. But when my mind wanders back in time, why do I feel so ashamed?

It was consensual, I will say that. But saying “yes” to sex often means accepting what comes with it – whether it’s good, or bad.

It’s true that the way you lose your virginity can become the initial blueprint for a lot of sexual experiences afterwards. Emotional scars may resurface years later in the form of shame, blame, and fear. Both men and women blush when recalling that uncomfortable first time. It was the best of times, or (more likely) the worst.

It’s been nearly a decade since my first sexual experience. I’ve matured a lot, since then. You’d think I’d have moved on by now, and I thought I had. But sometimes, in vulnerable moments, I find myself still mourning that younger version of me.

  1. Did I “give it up” too soon?
  2. Have I truly lost my innocence?
  3. Or am I subscribing to an outdated rule that keeps women (and men) from owning themselves?

….I’m going with number 3. Here’s why.

“Virgin,” is a word usually used to describe someone who has not yet had sex. But according to the dictionary, virgin also means “not yet touched, used, or exploited.” As a young girl, I was told to “save it” for marriage. I was led to believe that if I had sex, I would be losing my innocence. As a girl, I was supposed to be a delicate flower, whose value diminished with the opening of her petals.

To “lose my virginity,” (in this old way of thinking) meant that I was giving my body to a man solely for his pleasure. “Losing it” meant that I would be used up, damaged, and degraded. My partner would be “taking” my virginity, and in essence, stealing my worth.

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Do You Love Holding Hands? Here is Why

by zfortadminin Sex

There are scientific and psychological reasons behind the reasons humans hold hands (and why so many artists write songs about it).

I can’t count how many people I’ve held hands with over the years — friends, my mom, a guy I genuinely liked, or some random boy I happened to be standing next to at a party.

I have always maintained holding hands is one of the more casual, yet simultaneously intimate physical acts. The way your fingers intertwine with another person’s is both innocent and special.

It isn’t always romantic, and it certainly doesn’t always mean something. But, it’s both pleasing and human nature to take the hand of someone else.

Maybe the last person you held hands with was your best friend when you reunited after months apart.

You wanted to be as close as possible before your real world jobs and lives in different cities separated you once again. Or maybe it was your mom, right before you boarded a plane to a new country.

Whoever it was, the reason that person held your hand wasn’t unusual or unique.

And although I might be one of the only people who prefers holding someone’s hand to going home with someone for the night, it isn’t just an odd aspect of my personality.

There are scientific and psychological reasons behind the reasons humans hold hands (and why so many artists write songs about it).

It provides comfort.

As humans, we are not only creatures of habit, we’re also creatures of comfort. We gravitate toward situations and people who make us feel as content and secure as possible.

In the scientific study, “Lending A Hand,” neuroscientists from the University of Virginia and the University of Wisconsin studied the effect the simple act of a human touch has on people in stressful situations.

In this case, the participants underwent the threat of electric shock. The researchers came to the conclusion a “loving touch reassures.”

Dr. James Coan, one of the researchers, said,

We found that holding the hand of really anyone, it made your brain work a little less hard in coping.

So whether you’re mourning a loss, had a bad day at work or you’re just feeling a little down, find a hand to hold. Because, in the wise words of the philosopher Akon,

Things will get better if you just hold my hand.

It’s natural.

Sea otters do it. Penguins do it. Even elephants do it, albeit they have to use their trunks.

 

We like to feel connected.

There’s a reason your mom was probably the first person who held your little hand. She’s the one who birthed you, the person who provided you with nourishment, warmth and a safe place to rest your head.

From day one, we are automatically connected with our mothers. Her hands led us safely across the street and grabbed our little palms before they touched the hot stove.

Her soft, now a little wrinkled, hands first taught us the meaning of a physical connection and will always remind us of the importance of a close bond.

On the other hand, holding hands can purvey a non-maternal connection. You could be with your relatively new significant other, standing in a room full of people you don’t know, each engaging in small talk with separate people.

But, the person you’re holding hands with is there. You can physically feel it. There’s no doubt in your mind that person will be there for you and will be there when the small talk dwindles to awkward silence.

Holding hands provides warmth.

Skin to skin contact is the best way to release and absorb heat — whether you forget your gloves on a brisk winter walk through the park or your apartment building decided you didn’t need heat for the month of February.

Pressure relieves pain.

Whose hand did you hold when your 8-year-old self got her ears pierced? Was your dad in the delivery room bravely holding your mom’s hand as she brought you into the world?

Did you hold your middle school boyfriend’s hand while you struggled to make it through the entirety of “The Hills Have Eyes”? (Or were you too busy being a teenager and making out in the back row?)

You automatically reach for your face if you accidentally walk into a door and try to release the stress in your shoulders after a long day hunched over your computer at work.

We’ve been programmed to see pressure as a slight, sometimes temporary, relief from pain.

And, when you think about it, someone holding your hand provides a very light form of pressure. Scientists at Johns Hopkins University found when you place pressure on the “fleshy area between the thumb and forefinger,” headaches, dental pain and anxiety can decrease.

So, when your hand is wrapped in someone else’s, his or her palm provides a similar pressure, potentially providing relief from any minor physical or mental pain you might be feeling.

 

It can serve as a powerful statement.

For instance, if a celebrity is spotted holding hands with someone, society automatically assumes the pair is together.

While simple, holding someone’s hand in public, soberly, makes a declaration. It either says you’re together, you have a close relationship or you support what the other person is doing. And humans like to make statements.

We wear graphic t-shirts, post Facebook statuses and tweet our point-of-views. It makes our existence known, and therefore relevant.

It’s convenient and easy.

When we’re walking next to someone, our hands automatically fall to our sides, parallel with the person matching our stride.

No muscle is strained. And you don’t have to worry if your hand placement is weird or if you’re doing it correctly.

It can be sexy.

If you’ve been MIA for the past three years and haven’t heard about the “Fifty Shades Of Grey” phenomenon, then you should know that, sometimes, people like to feel dominated.

Some people like when others are in charge and making decisions. Although handholding is nowhere close to handcuffing, the person with his or her hand on top, the dominant hand, usually has control.

Whether he or she means to or not, in that moment, his or her body language demonstrates a physical control of you. Which, hey, for some people, that’s kind of hot.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Prehistoric Humans May have Started Favoring Monogamy Because of This

by zfortadminin LOVE

It’s nice to think that monogamy is something that came about because people were just that into each other, but new research is here to crush that dream.

A study from the University of Waterloo found that prehistoric humans may have started favoring monogamy (and looking down at polygamy) thanks to sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and peer pressure. Clearly, the stuff of prehistoric romance.

For their research, scientists used computer-modeling techniques to simulate the evolution of different mating behaviors in human populations based on demographics and disease transmission. They discovered that, as hunter-gatherers started settling in one place and living in larger populations, STIs like gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia were more likely to spread. The price of civilization is high.

When the STIs infiltrated the population, it decreased fertility rates among men with multiple sex partners. Unfortunately, there was no medication or Planned Parenthood to come to the rescue back in the day. Since dudes weren’t down with making less babies, they changed their mating behavior to allow them to produce more offspring and act in a way that was better for the group. This was also probably the origin of the phrase “taking one for the team.”

Groups that practiced monogamy ended up becoming bigger than those that didn’t and, since there’s power in numbers, they could overpower those that were still polygamous. And there you have it.

Researchers point out that this probably isn’t the only reason we shifted toward a more monogamous society, since, hello, female choice also played a role, but it’s an interesting model.

So next time you get misty-eyed over a friend’s wedding, just know what’s really behind the union: The deep-seeded fear of STIs.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Easy Ideas to Create More Connected Intimacy

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.” ~John Bulwer

If there’s one thing we all want, it’s intimacy.

We want to feel deeply connected to other people, fully seen and appreciated by them, and secure in those relationships.

We can have a million and one acquaintances online, but if none of our connections feel intimate and meaningful, we will ultimately feel alone.

There’s actually some interesting research that shows we tend to value physical possessions less when we feel loved and accepted by others, because relationships can provide a sense of comfort, insurance, and protection. They truly are the most valuable things in our lives.

I remember when I completed my last promotional tour. It’s something I used to do for work—travel around the country promoting products at sporting events, concerts, and retail locations. I chose this career partly because it seemed adventurous, and partly because it allowed me to distract myself with constant change and motion.

Although there were more than 20 people on the tour, I frequently stayed in separate hotels because my responsibility was to care for the tour dog, and the group often stayed in places that didn’t allow pets.

I’d just decided to leave NYC shortly before this job, after slowly climbing out of years of self-loathing, depression, and isolation. I wanted nothing more than to make real friendships, but I simply didn’t know how.

I saw it happening all around me. I saw women forming bonds that I knew would last for years, while I frequently felt awkward and insecure. I saw romantic relationships blossoming, while I had a superficial fling with someone I hardly knew, who hardly knew me back.

Though I was trying to open up to people and create space for them to open up as well, I still felt alone, love-deprived, and terrified that these feelings would endure. As a consequence, I frequently sabotaged myself and potential connections.

I assumed there was something wrong with me for struggling in relationships, when it was actually my thinking that manifested everything that felt wrong.

I’m sure there are countless other people who’ve been in that place before: feeling isolated, disconnected, and confused about how to change it.

Others still experience something different but related: They have meaningful friendships, but still feel there’s something lacking—like there could be more love coming their way, romantically or otherwise.

I’ve learned a lot about giving and receiving love over these last several years, and I’ve dramatically transformed my thinking and sense of connection as a result. If you’ve ever wanted to feel more loved, you may find these tips helpful:

Open Your Heart

1. Initiate meaningful conversations.

The first step to feeling more loved is creating close relationships, and that starts with meaningful, engaged conversations. These don’t necessarily need to be deep and spiritual in nature. They just need to be honest, authentic, and reciprocal.

You can initiate this type of exchange with anyone at almost any time simply by asking about the other person, fully listening to what they have to say, and then finding common ground. Naturally some people will stay shut down, but it’s worth the risk of feeling vulnerable to find the ones who won’t.

2. Give the gift of your presence.

Often when we converse with people, we’re not fully listening; we’re formulating our response in our heads and waiting for our turn to talk. We’re not only doing the other person a disservice when we do this; we’re also shortchanging ourselves.

Think about the last time you really opened up to someone. It likely required you to feel a level of comfort and trust, even if you didn’t yet know that person very well. The act of opening up is itself an offering of love. It’s an invitation to let someone in.

In recognizing this and welcoming it by fully hearing other people, we are, in fact, receiving love.

3. Open up your love valve.

Just like a heart valve prevents blood from flowing backwards, our love valve might block the flow of energy in our interactions. This generally happens when we get too caught up in our head, thinking, analyzing, and wanting more, instead of being present and allowing a natural give and take.

Come into the moment, take the pressure off the situation, and avoid the urge to fill silences with chatter. Instead, picture the interaction as something cyclical in nature, where there’s a balance of sharing and listening, giving and receiving.

When we clear the mental clutter and allow this type of flow, we are in essence choosing to be love.

Open Your Mind

4. Change your beliefs about the world and love.

When we tell ourselves the same things over and over again, we end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you tell yourself that people don’t care, you’ll put that energy into the world and then easily find evidence to back it up. If you tell yourself you’ll never experience love, you’ll create mental barriers and then subconsciously repel it.

Tell yourself a different story: There’s a lot of love in the world, there’s plenty to go around, you deserve it, and it’s coming to you every day.

5. Consider that love might look different than you visualized it.

In telling yourself that love is coming to you every day, you’re not merely lying to yourself; you’re taking responsibility for recognizing the love around you.

It might not be from the person you want to be with romantically. It might not meet the standards and criteria you defined in your head. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

When a friend pushes you to reach your potential, it’s an act of love. When a family member takes the time to listen to you, helping you form insights about your life, it’s an act of love.

See and appreciate the love all around you and it will surely multiply because you’ll come to potential new relationships with a sense of wholeness instead of lack.

6. Give love when you’re tempted to judge.

Ultimately, this is how we all want to be loved: without judgment, pity, or condescension. Commit to giving this kind of love, both in your existing relationships and in new ones you might be tempted to avoid.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow your instincts when you feel like unsafe around someone. It just means you look below the surface, give people a chance, and in doing so create the potential for more meaningful, mutually supportive relationships.

Make the conscious choice to be understanding and compassionate. While getting isn’t the intention of giving, this will likely set the stage for you to receive the same consideration in return.

Open Your Eyes

7. Value the people who are there.

Sometimes we get so caught up looking for romantic love that we forget to appreciate the friends and family who are always there, offering their support. At least I did. Despite my chronic fear of being seen and judged, and my instinct to self-sabotage, I spent a long time believing that I was incomplete.

I know you might be thinking that friendships aren’t the same as romantic affection, and I understand. I felt this way too. But we don’t attract romantic love into our lives by focusing on what’s missing. We attract potential partners by radiating love.

Take an inventory of all the people who care. There are likely far more than you realize.

8. Recognize the love you’re not giving.

It’s far easier to pinpoint what we’re not getting than it is to be honest with ourselves about what we’re not giving. Perhaps you want people to check in with your more frequently. Are you checking in with them? Maybe you want people to ask more about your personal life. Are you asking them about theirs?

Give the type of love you want to receive. Give praise. Notice the little things. Offer help without it being asked of you.

I’m not suggesting you should always be the one giving. If it feels like a constant one-way street, then it might be time to reevaluate that relationship. But in most healthy ones, giving more freely creates an environment of consideration and generosity.

And then of course there’s the other side of this coin: Ask for what you need! There’s one relationship in my life that’s often felt unbalanced. Recently I asked this friend if she’d call me sometimes just to talk, as opposed to calling for advice. I asked, and now she does.

9. Look deeply at your needs and intentions.

Sometimes when we go out looking for love, we’re really trying to avoid giving ourselves what we need. There’s pain in our past we don’t want to acknowledge; or there’s an emptiness inside that we don’t want to fill on our own.

If you’re feeling a hole somewhere inside, take a close look at what might have caused it. Be strong enough to acknowledge what you need to do for you, whether it’s having a long overdue conversation with a family member, working on your self-esteem, or finding a sense of purpose in life.

We all deserve to feel loved by the people in our lives, but first need to be willing and able to love ourselves. That’s what it takes to feel deeply connected: to feel deeply connected to ourselves and confident in what we can give.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Flirting as Naturally as Possible

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

” You have to make the guy think he’s making the first move when you’re the one really doing it…”

Lately, I’ve been getting pitches from so-called flirting and dating experts to write about them. While their bios are always interesting, I have to wonder how gifted they are in the romance department. What qualifies someone as a dating expert anyway? Someone who goes on a lot of dates?

If that’s the main criteria, then I already have insider access to one of the greatest dating experts out there. And she happens to be my best friend: P.

P isn’t a supermodel, but she is a beautiful girl—the type of person that turns heads when she walks down the street. She is a smooth cocktail composed of confidence, sex appeal, looks and sweetness. And she gets more guys than anyone I know.

While taking the train home from work one day, I chat with her about the art of flirting. We’ve both read countless articles about the basic Dos and Don’ts of the courtship game—as you probably have too.

The rules, which are pretty standard and obvious, sound something like this:

  • Lock eyes for several seconds, then, look away
  • Smile and act happy
  • Mimic the other person’s body language
  • Show off your neck (for the ladies)
  • Wear red lipstick (for the ladies)

Having been in a relationship for the last year and a half, I feel a little rusty in my flirting aptitude. Still, I have always recalled these rules of attraction dutifully.

But P, the resident expert and boy magnet, tells me she has improved on the old school dogma. Attracting someone should be a little more subtle, she says. In other words, don’t make it seem like you’re flirting.

And this is when our simple conversation turns into a life lesson.

“Jen,” she says, ” You have to make the guy think he’s making the first move when you’re the one really doing it…”

Give me an example, I ask her. She provides two. (Of course she does.)

Pages: 1 2 3 4

Who is Using Who for Sex?

by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

We’ve all been there, or known someone who has.

Why do smart, compassionate, beautiful women find themselves pining after emotionally unavailable men?

For a while, I was the one my girlfriends always went to when they needed to vent about that one guy who never called them back. I’ve been texted at all hours with excited declarations like “he wants me to come over to watch a movie. It’s 2 am, but still!” And then, there’s the inevitable anguish when “he” doesn’t want a relationship. 

I’ve heard all the stories. I know all the details. Year after year, it’s the same. And it’s heartbreaking. I know too many women who are being used for sex – and none of them are willing to admit it, until it’s too late.

It’s been said to ‘never take advice from some you wouldn’t want to trade places with.’ I’m not an expert, by any means. I am not some magical relationship fairy, who’s never made a bad decision. I have been in this situation myself, but it took me years after the fact to finally look back and admit it. If you want advice on learning how to see through manipulation before it’s too late, read on. The tips I’m about to share with you came from years of my own mistakes, and from watching my friends fall into the same traps year after year.

If a woman is looking for a relationship, why would anyone think it’s okay to manipulate her? Why do one-sided relationships drag on for months and months, until someone’s self-worth has been suffocated? 

The honest answer: We may walk into these bad situations on accident, but we stay there on purpose.

Look, we live in the 21st Century. Mutual, no-strings attached, casual intercourse is totally okay. It’s also just fine for two people to start out on the same page, and change their minds later. You are entitled to end a relationship how and when you wish, and so is he. Everyone has the right to choose. But it is wrong to make the conscious decision to manipulate, coerce, or string someone along just for sex.

Men are not the only guilty parties here. Women use men for sex, as well. But for the purposes of this article, I’m taking aim at the most common scenario. Whether you are male or female, it is important to protect your heart and recognize your needs. Here’s how.

  1. Ask yourself: What are my needs?

    An emotionally healthy relationship requires having conversations that don’t always lead to sex. It requires two people who are there for each other, whether sex is a factor or not. Do you wish he’d take you out on dates? Are you hoping he’ll introduce you to his friends and family? Would you be happier if he shared more with you than just his body? All of us have needs, and you should take the time to define them for yourself.

  2. Make your needs clear before sex is even brought up in conversation.

    Millennials live in a social media-driven culture where we almost “compete” to see who is less attached and more “chill.” I’d go into the reasons behind this, but that’s a topic for another day. My point here is this: Once upon a time, it was completely normal to say “I’m interested in a relationship with you, and would love to take you out on a date.” Now, the boundaries between friendship, casual sex, and dating are a lot less clear. While it’s totally fine to want a casual relationship for sex, it’s not okay to pursue one with someone who wants more than that. If you’ve been burned in the past, recognize that every day is a new opportunity to change the pattern. You’re the captain of your own ship. Your well-being should not be left up to another person. Avoiding manipulation requires YOU making your intentions clear from the start.

  3. Recognize red flags.

    If he’s always unavailable on weekends, but he’ll call you at 11 pm on a Wednesday night to “hang out,” that’s a red flag. If you’ve made it clear you want a relationship, but he keeps ignoring the issue, that’s a red flag. If you’ve never meet his friends (or you’re introduced as merely his ‘friend’ if you do), that’s a red flag. If he goes days without answering your texts (unless it’s to set up a cozy Netflix and chill session), that’s a red flag. If he tells you that he’s not looking for anything serious…that’s THE sign it’s not happening.

…Do you see where I’m going with this?

  1. Be honest with yourself.

    All too often, we diminish our feelings to suit the person we’re hoping to impress. I know it can be difficult to assess the situation amid the endless butterflies and infatuated thoughts. But if you really examine the situation, it’s often pretty obvious when a guy is not down for commitment.

  2. The only person you can change is you. 

    At this point, you may be thinking, “I’ll be the one to change his mind!” But I am here to tell you that it doesn’t work that way. If he changes his mind for you, it won’t be because you let him sleep with you, allowed him to repeatedly ignore you, and pretended that you don’t have needs. You deserve love and respect. And this requires loving and respecting yourself. If you want a relationship, and it’s clear that he doesn’t… your friend should find a new sex buddy and you should look for commitment elsewhere.

So – are you setting yourself up for heartbreak? Most of us already have the answers, we’re just too afraid to see them. No amount of calling your girlfriends, reading advice articles, or scrolling through his Instagram will give you the validation you need. You deserve to be honest with yourself, and to find a partner who is honest, too.

This Secret Ingredient Creates Genuine Sex Appeal

by zfortadminin Sex

That is the kind of sexy that lingers on in the mind, inviting curiosity and interest.

Selling sex appeal is a billion dollar industry. Everywhere we turn, we are bombarded with sensory stimulation that insists how buying a certain outfit, a pair of shoes, a brand name perfume, handbags, prohibitively expensive cars, underwear, accessories even a certain pair of socks will make us ooze sex appeal.  Just the thing we need to spruce up our otherwise banal existences.

Billboards are getting exceedingly edgier, not to mention television advertisements in which models adorn high-end luxury cars, sending subliminal messages suggesting that the man who purchases this car will now be armed with the adequate sex appeal to attract copious leggy models. Recently I came across an advertisement doing the rounds on the internet, of a model biting hungrily into a juicy burger as mayonnaise drips down the corners of her mouth. It makes you think, who needs the hassle of a relationship when you can have a burger that apparently provides all the sexiness, without the drama?

Have we not become overburdened with such images? Everything guarantees sex appeal and lots of attention, even a dishwasher! So pervasive are these images that once too often we have noticed the poor dear on the street that donned the latest ‘sexy trend’ only to do him or herself the gravest injustice. Sexy is neither the fabric nor the tailoring, if you don’t’ have what it takes to carry it. But the persuasive advertisements will have you convinced otherwise. They will direct you to what ‘they’ think, (“they’ who have no clue of your individuality) what you should wear and how you should look. The dirty secret ‘they’ don’t tell you is how sex appeal, like many other qualities cannot be bought at the mall because it is not sewn into the fabric of the merchandise they are trying to sell you.

It is not such a rare occurrence to come across a uniquely attractive face, that does not hold up to the standard, air-brushed images splashed across magazine covers, and yet has a certain je ne sais quoi? We know it wasn’t the clothes or the shoes, it was unmistakably a deeper element ensconced within the personality, which ever so casually oozed out of every pore of that person’s being. You look carefully and see the facial features are not quite the standard idea of beauty, despite that, the whole persona is redolent with sex appeal.
When you don’t have to buy the hottest trends, the most expensive clothing or jewellery and get your hair and make up done by a professional each time you want to be ‘seen’, and yet, you exude an appeal that makes one hunger for just another look; that is what is sexy in the truest sense. We have all too often spotted women baring it (almost) all and looked on with dismissive amusement, while none can deny being totally taken by the vision of a confident woman who’s engaging and beautiful smile had our eyes follow her halfway across the block. There is an allure, a certain mystery that sets her apart. Baring it all will attract attention, for a definitive period of time and not always the kind one seeks, whereas floating with that inner confidence and feminine presence will always invoke lasting admiration.

Sex appeal is not a product that can be purchased over-the-counter, it is a state of mind, an inner state of being. It has nothing to do with the act of sex itself. It is not to be found in your closet, in what you wear, it is inside your head. Some women and men can look incredulously sexy hailing a cab, or stirring coffee in the kitchen or watering plants.

That is because sex appeal has more to do with self-esteem and confidence than with low necklines and high skirts. Not the kind of self-assuredness that comes across as hubris, but the kind that is at peace with its strengths and its flaws.

This holds true for men too — not all men who have toiled in the gym for the buffest body will ooze it. They may warrant a head turn or two; but we have also seen men who have a certain presence, an inner confidence as they walk into a room, again, that certain je ne sais quoi. That is the kind of sexy that lingers on in the mind, inviting curiosity and interest.

Confidence and self-esteem are qualities one is hard pressed to find in abundance in both genders. So when we see it, we instantly recognize it, it always makes the individual stand apart. It’s hard to put one’s finger on what it is exactly, but suffice to say people who have worked to conquer their inadequacies and made peace with themselves are the one’s who have that evanescent appeal.

Sex appeal comes from having the confidence to not just play up one’s qualities and revel in them, but to embrace one’s imperfections too. So its not as simple as putting on a sexy outfit, because on closer look anyone will notice that there is little else beyond the outfit. It is being sexy in whatever you’re wearing or doing.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article