LOVE Archives - Page 7 of 36 - Love TV

Category: LOVE

Getting to the Heart of Love

by zfortadminin LOVE

Let’s talk about love. It’s at the heart (ha!) of so many human interactions, yet its mystery is endless. Worthy of a listicle, we think…

1) You can fall in love with anyone

It may sound unlikely but research by the US psychologist Arthur Aron suggests falling in love is a pretty simple – and scientifically predictable – occurrence. Back in 1997, he tested his theory that two people will likely fall for each other if they exchange their innermost thoughts and experiences. Aron got over 50 pairs of strangers to answer 36 questions together, ranging from ‘Would you like to be famous?’ to ‘Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing and why?’. In the last part of the experiment, the two participants have to stare into each others eyes for four minutes.

Not all of the pairs fell in love with each other, but one couple did end up getting married six months later. And almost 20 years later, writer Mandy Len Catron tried out the technique herself – and swiftly fell in love with her interlocutor. Curious?! So are we.

2) We don’t all kiss the same way

If you remember smooching at a school disco, don’t take it for granted that everyone else locks lips only to show their crush affection, or even that they do it in the same way. In fact, the gesture that most people identify as either sexual or affectionate is purely a practical one in some cultures. In parts of Papua New Guinea, for instance, parents chew up food for their baby and feed it to them by the mouth. Before the age of baby food being pre-mashed and sold on supermarket shelves, kiss-feeding was pretty common in human history. Many animals, like apes, still do it.

For other cultures, a kiss has less to do with the mouth and more to do with the nose – Inuits rub their noses together as a sign of affection, for instance. Research suggests this is what the rest of the world’s kisses used to be like – Sanskrit texts from thousands of years ago refer to a ‘kiss’ as a sniff, or a smell.

3) You can die from a broken heart

Heartache and heartbreak aren’t just empty phrases – anyone who has gone through them knows how real they can feel. Losing someone you love can make you feel physically sick, experience chest pain, have a sense of being numb all over. In some cases, it does literally take a physical toll on your organs: ‘broken heart syndrome’ – also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy or takotsubo cardiomyopathy – is a temporary heart condition which can be brought on by some sort of shock or trauma. Usually, patients recover within a week, but there are instances of fatalities in people who are old or already have a heart condition.

4) Men fall in love faster than women do

This might be a hard one to believe, but men apparently fall for a partner faster than women do. According to a study carried out in the U.S. last year by the dating website match.com, men tend to get that loving feeling around three months after starting a relationship, while for women, it takes five. Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher says that’s because women have to create and evaluate a “memory trail” of the man’s behaviour – like remembering what he promised to do – before they let themselves fall in love with them.

5) The power of aphrodisiacs may be all in the mind

Warning: do not attempt to slurp down an oyster as you read this. The food that is said to turn on our ‘I’m ready for love’ switch has not been scientifically proven to have a chemical effect on our sex organs. But there’s no need to go and demand your money back just yet – aphrodisiacs’ arousal powers aren’t entirely made up. People say the oyster’s reputation has come about because of its appearance – take a look and you might notice a slight resemblance to a certain part of the female anatomy – which is believed to get one’s subconscious thinking about sex. Our ancestors used to believe that the wonderful, tear-inducing ONION had similar powers – because it draws the mind to a certain part of the maleanatomy (we had fun in the office trying to decide what part that might be!)

6) We’re not the only ones

Scientists are divided on whether animals experience romantic love like humans do. But they seem to agree that our furry and feathered friends do form strong attachments with each other – like the longtime mate of a female gorilla at a zoo in Boston, Massachusetts. When his love, Babs, died, he is said to have ‘howled and banged his chest (…) picked up a piece of celery, put it in her hand, and tried to get her to wake up’. Animals even form strong bonds across species: a lion and a coyote, a dog and a cheetah, and a tortoise and goose are just some of the inseparable couples of the animal kingdom.

7) Kissing is more important than sex

For those cultures that do see kisses as an erotic gesture (and it’s by far the majority of the world’s population), they are said to play an important role in the long term health of a relationship. The more kissing, the better the level of satisfaction with the relationship – a correlation that apparently isn’t seen with sex. Kissing is also known to lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol. So pucker up.

8) Origins of the word love

Love, love, love. Where does it come from? Well, the modern-day English term apparently dates back to the Latin verb “lubere” which means ‘to please’. It’s also got links to the word “libere”, which can be translated as ‘freely, openly, frankly’. Makes sense…sometimes.

9) We see love in different ways

Love seems like such an established concept that you might expect it to mean the same thing for humans across the world. But research suggests that some cultures define love differently. One study found that Chinese people associate pain with love more than Americans do – a phenomenon that psychologist Arthur Aron thinks may be because of China’s traditional culture of arranged marriages. He conducted studies in both countries and says that people in China “tend to pick more negative traits, words like anxious, scary and depressing,” than American people when they talk about love. Brain scans show that brain patterns of loved-up people are universally the same across cultures – suggesting one’s definition of love really is a cultural construct.

10) Love is literally like an addiction

Scientists say being in love looks the same as being addicted to something in terms of brain patterns – and that’s also the effect it has on us, argues biological anthropologist Helen Fisher. “Around the world, men and women pine for love, live for love, kill for love, and die for love,” she writes. “Moreover, love-besotted men and women show all the basic symptoms of addiction.” Characterizing the addiction impassioned lovers feel, is a ‘stiletto-focus’ on one’s loved one and a tendency to change one’s priorities to accommodate their needs. You might also experience withdrawal symptoms when separated from your love – exactly like an addict parted from a drug.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Convincing Your Heart to Love Your Body

by zfortadminin LOVE

Embracing yourself for who you are is very important for your overall confidence and sensuality!

You and I both know that it’s important to learn to love our bodies. But it’s one thing to know know it, and quite another thing to convince our hearts to actually do it. For most women, making that transition is very, very difficult. Learning to really love our bodies is often a long process that includes lots of stops and starts along the way.

But I’m confident that you and I both can make that transition, if we take it one step at a time. If you’re ready to give it a try, here are 11 ideas to help you get started:

  • Avoid television shows, magazines and other media that feature perfect women.  Recognize that those women are media creations, and understand that they don’t actually exist. They are images, not people, that result from professional makeup, professional hair styling, professional photography, perfect lighting, and Photoshop.
  • Treat your body well. Most women devote time and effort to caring for others, but little to caring for themselves. So take the time and make the effort needed to   eat healthy food, exercise regularly, sleep at least 7 hours each night, keep stress under control, and take some time to do things you enjoy.
  • Get up and move.  Regular exercise/physical activity makes you feel great and helps you look great. Make time to move your body – walk, bike, dance, work out – every day.
  • Stop thinking and saying negative things about yourself.  Whenever you catch yourself thinking or saying something negative about your body, stop and rewind.  Replace those words with positive ones that focus on your strengths.
  • Focus less on your appearance and more on the things your body allows you to do. The body God gave you is awesome. It allows you to live, to breathe, to work, to walk, to dance, to sing, to create, to care for your children, to make love with your husband. Focus your energy and attention on those things.
  • Don’t zero in on your “flaws.” Women are infamous for focusing like a laser on things they don’t like about their bodies. We look in the mirror and see pimples or wrinkles or gray hair or an extra 20 pounds. But most people don’t look at us that way. They see the “big picture” – the way we look, the way we act, and the way we make them feel. They don’t zero in on our flaws, and we shouldn’t either.
  • Disconnect from people who make you feel bad about yourself. A few people in our lives, however, might focus on our “flaws.” Some of those people gain energy by making other people feel bad, some of them are mean, and some are just thoughtless.  Avoid all of those types of people as much as possible. Give them very little of your time and energy, and no space inside your head.
  • Stand up straight and walk with confidence.  Look people in the eye and speak with confidence.  Try it as an experiment, even if you don’t feel it.  People perceive confidence as attractive, and acting confident (even if you’re faking it!) can help you feel more attractive.
  • Wear clothes that make you feel good. They don’t have to be expensive. They don’t have to be fancy. They don’t have to be the latest styles. They just need to make you feel good in your own skin.
  • Work on something you really want to improve.  Almost every woman wants to improve some aspect of her appearance, which is fine. Pick a change that’s reasonable and go for it. For many women, losing some weight falls into this category; few things make women feel as bad about their bodies as extra weight. If that’s an issue for you, focus on eating well and becoming a physically active person. Ditch the foods you know you don’t need and allow yourself time to exercise or just move your body every day.
  • Don’t use food as “medicine.” Some women eat when they’re stressed, tired, bored or lonely. If you’re tempted to reach for food when those feelings strike, try substituting exercise, companionship, or productive activity for food. Exercise can actually alleviate some of those negative feelings, by boosting hormones and chemicals that help you feel good, while food just provides a temporary fix, one you’ll probably regret later.

Learning to love your body is a process, and it will take time. But you are worth it, and you can do it.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Is it Time to Talk or Walk?

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, Watch

Its the 3 month checkpoint of dating a new partner! Is it time to commit? Or are you ready to leave?

Question: When should you broach the subject of where the relationship is going? I have been seeing a guy for two months and we are having another date this weekend. I know it’s kind of early but I want to know if he is dating other people. I’m also curious why he’s listed as active on the online site we met at and why we really only talk through text. What’s the best way yo handle this?

Answer: After 2-3 months of dating, it’s a good time to make a commitment. Ask yourself: Do his actions say that he’s ready to make a commitment? His actions show more about his intent.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Trusting Your Instinct

by Susanna Leein LOVE

I’ve never been one to trust my gut, follow my instinct, or listen to that little voice inside, and that’s how I found myself, at 26, saying “I do” in front of an official justice of the peace, the greatest Elvis impersonator I’ve ever seen, and a man I’d known for 3 months.  I didn’t marry an Elvis impersonator, I married a man I’d known for only 3 months, total.  I thought I was being romantic and carefree, disregarding societal norms and traditions.  As someone who’d had a million one-night/few-night stands, but only a couple adult relationships, I thought that the hardest part of being married was finding someone to marry me.  So when the opportunity came up, I grabbed it and ran, forcing solutions to any possible roadblock between me being alone, and me having legal proof that I was loveable.

At the time we started dating/got engaged, he hadn’t paid his rent for several months, so I insisted that he move in with me, rent free.  It’s not like having him there would raise the rent I was already covering, so what did it matter?  It was a small price to pay for the validation of being an integral part of someone’s basic needs being met.  He was unemployed, and couldn’t afford the rings, so I bought them.  Did you catch that?  I BOUGHT MY OWN WEDDING RING.  I also used my accumulated airline miles to cover our flights to/from Vegas, where I also paid for the actual wedding.  If that’s not romance, what is?

You’re probably thinking “Damn, the sex must’ve been mind-blowing, to turn you out like that!”, and I regret to tell you that the sex was nothing more than garden-variety.  It was fine, just fine.  Not great, not OMG, just fine sex, nothing to write home about.  But he was willing to only have it with me, and I thought that his lack of quantity of partners meant more than quality.

Now I wasn’t a total pushover, I did require him to get a job before we took our vows, which he kept until we’d been married for 2 weeks.  After that, he was unemployed for quite a while, long enough for me to max out my credit cards taking care of us, including keeping our social life active, because I really enjoyed spending time with our friends.  His and mine, they all got along, and we had great nights hanging out at our apartment with everyone, big spontaneous parties that were fun, truly fun.  I guess I was drunk so much that I didn’t realize that those were really the only fun times.  My marriage was like the boat ride in Willy Wonka: it started off exciting, but quickly became a seemingly inescapable nightmare.

Here’s the thing: I could’ve avoided the whole mess you’re about to read, if only I’d listened to my gut.  See, the night before the wedding, we got into a huge argument.  We were in our hotel, about to go gambling, something set him off, and all of a sudden, we were screaming at each other.  Right there in the hotel suite, in front of our wedding clothes and everything.  I left the room, heading down to the snack bar to catch my breath, to get some air that wasn’t hanging heavy with anger.  I was sitting alone at a big, round table, when I heard a voice say “Don’t do this, don’t marry him.”  It was a voice inside my head, but so calm and clear that it sounded like someone else.  I indulged in considering that option, and felt a wave of peace wash over me that was quickly chased away by worries and but-thens.   “But then I’ll have to admit that everyone who questioned us was right.”,  “But then I’ll have to give back the wedding gifts, and we’ve already opened them, and I don’t have the money to pay people back.” One friend had given us a bedding set from our wedding registry, and we’d already had sex on it, making it unreturnable, I assumed.  I chose ease over instinct, and here’s what happened:

After he quit his job, he very, very leisurely searched for another one.  By “leisurely”, I mean that he mostly spent his days playing video games, and circling a few want-ads in the paper.  I had to find another part-time job to cover our expenses, because what I brought in as a touring comedian and part-time artist’s model wasn’t enough to cover the living expenses for two.  I could easily take care of myself, but now I was married, and responsible for the welfare of another adult as well.  After several months, he landed another temp job.  Then lost it.  Then got another, keeping it for nearly 4 months before declaring it BS, and walking off mid-shift.  He then decided that he had burned bridges with all the temp agencies in our town, and since I was insistent that he financially contribute, our only real option was to move to a remote town in Oregon, where he would apprentice for his uncle as a cabinet maker until he had the skills to support us wherever we wanted to live.

We sold our cars, and I gave up my dream apartment to go live in a truckstop-town full of secrets, a Mayberry on meth.  His uncle was “sober”, meaning that he smoked a lot of weed, but only occasionally had a beer or 6.  I’m not blaming the weed or booze for his laziness, but the cabinets never got made, and our situation did not improve. There were no jobs for him to get, after he failed the drug test for the one supermarket in town that had an opening. I guess I’d never known actual misery before, and being aware of that, and the impossibility of getting out of it all only made it worse.  After having my life threatened by a confused and angry tweeker who wandered into the porn store where I was a cashier for $20 a day, 3 days a week (our only source of income, btw) we moved to a bigger city. My husband quickly got an actual full-time job, but our relationship never flourished, or even recovered to the level of previous discontent.  I tried several times to end it, but, not wanting to repeat what he saw as the mistakes of his 5-times married father, he refused divorce.  Whenever I’d suggest it, he’d pull out the dramatics, one time actually throwing himself on the ground and repeatedly punching himself in the head.

I was afraid of his rage, his yelling, I remember being on the phone with him while I was on the road working, him loudly shouting accusations about why I hadn’t called him sooner after the show, and being scared to move, scared to sit up in my hotel room bed for fear he would somehow know, and it would somehow make him yell more, even though he was hundreds of miles away, not actually physically present.

After a few years of taking my vows seriously, and respecting the sanctity of our marriage, I resigned myself to the idea that it was just easier to stay married, but spend as much time as possible away from home pretending I wasn’t, than it was to get out of it.

Eventually we broke up, while I was out of town.  I cried all the time during my marriage, but not once over the death of it, never regretting the end at all.  To this day, the only thing I do regret was not listening to the voice I heard in Vegas, that of my small but clear instinct, which could’ve saved me 4 years and 4 million tears.

 

Monogamy = Monotony?—Why Couples Go Rogue

by zfortadminin LOVE, Sex

Can an open relationship be the key to happiness in your relationship? Challenging societal norms on monogamy may unlock hidden desires or reveal a level a honesty you’ve never experienced with a partner.

For many of us, the urge to couple up is a strong one. It might even be programmed into our DNA. But does love mean never dating or having sex with other people?

Several years ago, I decided to challenge the idea that the only way to a loving, committed relationship was to be monogamous. My then-boyfriend and I decided to try an open relationship. We were committed to each other, referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, and were both allowed to date and be physically intimate with other people. We eventually broke up (for various reasons, most of which weren’t related to our openness), but since then I’ve remained interested in rethinking relationships—and it turns out I’m not alone.

Nonmonoga-me—Current Trends

Estimates suggest there are more than half a million openly polyamorous families in the U.S., and in 2010, an estimated eight million couples were practicing some form of nonmonogamy. Even among married couples, open relationships can be successful; some studies suggest they’re common in gay marriages.

For today’s 20- and 30-somethings, these trends are meaningful. More than 40 percent of millenials think marriage is “becoming obsolete” (compared to 43 percent of Gen Xers, 35 percent of baby boomers, and 32 percent of people aged 65-plus). And almost half of millenials say they view changes in family structures positively, compared to only a quarter of elderly respondents. In other words, monogamy—though a perfectly viable choice—doesn’t work for everyone.

It certainly wasn’t working for me. Blame it on a couple unhealthy relationships in my youth: For whatever reason, in my mind “monogamy” had come to be associated with possessiveness, jealousy, and claustrophobia—not quite what one desires from everlasting love. I wanted to care about someone without feeling owned by them, and I wanted that someone to feel the same way. Add to that the fact that I’d been single for a while (after having been in a monogamous relationship for even longer) and—I’m woman enough to admit it—wasn’t ready to give up the freedom to flirt with strangers. Beyond that, I wasn’t sure what I wanted, exactly, but I knew I didn’t want to feel suffocated by a partner. So when I started dating…let’s call him ‘Bryce,’ I geared myself up for hurt feelings, got over my own awkwardness, and broached it: Have you ever thought about having an open relationship?

Open relationships tend to fall into two general categories, says Greatist Expert and sex counselor Ian Kerner: Couples might negotiate a nonmonogamous arrangement like the one I had with Bryce, in which each individual has the freedom to date and/or have sex with people outside the relationship. Or couples will choose to swing, adventuring outside their monogamous relationship as a unit (having sex with other people together, as in a three-or-more-some). But these categories are pretty fluid, and they shift depending on a given couple’s needs and boundaries.

Monogamy = Monotony?—Why Couples Go Rogue

The tricky thing about relationships is they’re all different, so there’s no “one reason” why people decide to explore alternative relationship models. Still, there are a wide range of theories about why monogamy hasn’t proved universally satisfying. Some experts say it has roots in genetics: About 80 percent of primates are polygamous, and similar estimates apply to human hunter-gatherer societies. (Still, it’s not useful to get caught up in the “is it natural” argument, says Kerner: Variation is what’s natural, more so than monogamy or nonmonogamy.)

Other research suggests different people have different needs for a satisfying relationship. In The Monogamy Gap, Eric Anderson suggests open relationships allow partners to meet their respective needs without demanding more than one partner can give. There’s also a cultural component: Fidelity stats vary widely among cultures, and evidence suggests countries with more permissive attitudes toward sex also have longer-lasting marriages. In Nordic countries, many married couples openly discuss “parallel relationships”—ranging from drawn-out affairs to holiday flings—with their partners, yet marriage remains a respected institution. Then again, sex advice columnist Dan Savage says nonmonogamy might just come down to plain old boredom.

In short, there are as many reasons to be nonmonogamous as there are nonmonogamous people—and therein lies a bit of a problem. Even if a couple agrees to be nonmonogamous, their reasons for doing so might be in conflict. In my case, I wanted to be in a nonmonogamous relationship because I wanted to challenge social assumptions about love; Bryce wanted to be in a nonmonogamous relationship because I wanted to be in one, and he wanted to be with me. Perhaps not surprisingly, this stirred up conflict between us when I actually started seeing other people. While I was fine when Bryce made out with a mutual friend, he couldn’t stomach the thought of me doing the same. This eventually led to resentment on both sides and jealousy on his—and suddenly I found myself back in a claustrophobic relationship, arguing about who belonged to whom.

Should You Put a Ring on It? — New Directions

Not surprisingly, the green-eyed monster is a common challenge for nonmonogamous partners across the board, regardless of gender or sexuality. The best way to deal? Honesty. In numerous studies, open communication is the prime driver of relationship satisfaction (this is true in any relationship), and the best coping mechanism for jealousy. For couples venturing into opendom, it’s important for partners to communicate their needs and work out an agreement in advance of any rendezvous.

In retrospect, I should have been more honest with myself, and acknowledged that (regardless of what he said) Bryce didn’t really want to be nonmonogamous; it would have spared us both some heartache. It’s easy to be attracted to nonmonogamy’s sexier side, but it actually requires incredibly high levels of trust, communication, openness, and intimacy with your primary partner—meaning that just like monogamy, open relationships can be pretty stressful, and they’re certainly not for everyone. In other words, nonmonogamy is by no means a ticket out of relationship problems, and it might actually be a source of them. It can also be thrilling, rewarding, and enlightening.

No matter what, say experts, whether a couple decides to be open or monogamous should be a matter of choice. “When there is no stigma to having an open sexual relationship,”writes Anderson, “men and women will begin to be more honest about what they want…and how they desire to achieve it.”

As for me, these days I’m a one-man kinda gal—which I learned by being open.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Catching the Love Bug

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Falling in love can be a magical feeling. Did you know there are lots of natural side effects and exciting uncontrollable changes that happen?

We sing about it, write about it and watch movies about it, but when you think about it, falling in love is crazy and maybe even weird.

It makes us feel and do things we usually wouldn’t under any other circumstances.

First of all, it physically affects our hormones and brain. In fact, scientists have shown that love affects the brain in a way similar to cocaine addiction. Not only that, it also affects us psychologically and behaviorally.

Here are 10 crazy, weird symptoms you may experience when falling in love:

1. Your hormones go wild.

When you fall in love, your cheeks flush, your heart beats faster, your palms are sweaty and your head starts spinning. This is all thanks to a rush of chemicals and hormones that flood your brain and body when you fall in love.

This leaves you with feelings of euphoria similar to an endorphin-induced “runner’s high.”

There’s nothing you can do about this; love physically makes you crazy.

2. You wake up and go to sleep thinking of someone other than yourself.

From the moment you wake up in the morning to the moment you go to sleep at night, the person you love occupies at least some part of your mind. How does your brain even know to think of that person first thing in the morning? Doesn’t it have other more important things to worry about?

The truth is this phenomenon is usually subconscious and automatic, almost like your mind is programmed to do so. Even throughout the day, that person stays staunchly in the back of your mind.

As crazy as it may be, it is nice to think of someone beside you every once in a while.

3. You smile when you’re alone.

We’ve all seen them: the smile texters. Smile texting is the perfect example of what happens when you’re falling in love. You experience weird, giddy feelings of happiness, even when you’re not physically with that special person.

You might smile when he or she texts you, when you hear a certain song, see a picture on Facebook or when you just think of that person.

In general, little things like that will make you smile more than usual because you are just so blissfully in love (and because of all those happy hormones flowing through your bloodstream).

People may look at you funny and wonder why you’re so happy, but you don’t even mind.

4. You become a little obsessive.

I wonder what she’s doing right now. I wonder if she’s watching the game. She loves football, which is cool for a girl. But I forget what her favorite team is … I need to ask again. Or maybe I should ask now. I’ll mention it if she texts me later.

Oh look, a bag of chips. She loves chips. But only the BBQ kind.

People in love, love to think about each other. They somehow manage to relate even the smallest things to the person they love. If your life is the universe, then chances are, your love is the sun, and everything revolves around that.

5. You do embarrassing things.

Ever heard those sappy stories of boys in the olden days throwing rocks at a girl’s window, and playing her songs on their guitar? That was then, but today, there are videos all over YouTube of men proposing to their fiancés with elaborate flash mobs that take place in front of hundreds of people.

Love will make you do embarrassing things because when you’re falling in love with someone, you will do almost anything to make him or her happy, no matter what other people may think.

6. You do things outside of your comfort zone.

Along the same lines, falling in love will make you do things you never even considered doing before. Boys, that may mean taking a yoga class or going to get a pedicure with your girlfriend (they feel really good, it’s okay to admit it).

Girls, that may mean watching “SportsCenter” for two hours or playing a couple games of FIFA. Of course, doing these things can open your mind to new activities you might enjoy. Doing them with the one you love is a great bonding experience, too.

7. You suddenly care more about your appearance.

Before, you may have rolled out of bed and thrown on some athletic shorts and a t-shirt, but you now have a reason to try to look good.

You might comb your hair more often, double check to make sure you didn’t forget deodorant, shave more meticulously and go to the gym, instead of falling asleep on your couch after work.

8. You sing.

When you’re falling in love, you feel so happy and carefree, you can’t always keep it inside. Whether you sound like William Hung or Ariana Grande, sometimes, you just have to sing at the top of your lungs to let it all out.

9. You go out of your way.

You may find yourself driving out of the way to pick up your love’s favorite dinner, or calling in sick to work just to hang out with him or her.

The crazy part is that even though these things may inconvenience you, you’re happy and excited to do them. You actually take joy in making that extra effort to please your SO and show him or her how much you care.

10. You go blind.

As the old adage goes, love is blind. When you’re falling in love, everything your love does and says is interesting and amazing. Every word uttered from his or her mouth, and every move he or she makes, is magical.

Love blinds you to faults and screw ups, and even when you do notice them, you’re quick to forgive because your love can do no wrong. As it turns out, Ke$ha might be right about this one: Love is a drug.

It makes us crazy, but it also makes us happy. Love is exciting; it’s addicting, it’s confusing and it’s weird.

So, cheers to love: both our worst nightmare and our best friend.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Breaking My Heart Open Through Heartbreak

by Alexandra Norrisin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Heartbreak is the biggest cliche conceivable, but somehow always feels uniquely painful through the scope of our own experience. Contrary to the belief that heartache gets easier as we shed our awkward teen cocoons, the pain felt familiarly sharp with each of my “Big Three.” As I embark upon what I like to call the “Age of the Great Drought of Fucks to Give, While Simultaneously Getting One’s Business Together;” otherwise known as turning 30, I present the Saga of Three Heartbreaks.

Heartbreak #1 Gillam. My Puppy Love. Age 14.

I saw him in my step-sister’s school play and my adolescent loins that burned for Ryan Gosling twinged for him. I called him in advance of our first date from a payphone when I discovered I had won tickets to go see a very cool-by-teenage-standards rock band. Putting the cart squarely before the horse, on our first date, we sat on the edge of a slab of wood resembling a dock with no water, and he wrote me a note explaining to me that he “fell for [me] like a blind roofer” and if I ever doubted his feelings I should read the phrase “Isle of View” aloud. Pretty smooth for a gangly 16 year old. Gillam lived a half hour drive away in an entirely different province (that’s Canadian for “state”). This was my first taste of long distance romance, but certainly not my last. I visited his family and bonded with his younger sister. It was she who had to eventually break it off with me over the phone; when out of nowhere he changed his mind about the whole thing. Everything is so intense at that age, that the serotonin from a rock concert or new love was like a hit of MDMA and sent me into heavy withdrawal for a day or two afterward. When we broke up, I had lost the will to go on, like a real damsel in old days. I went catatonic and watched the portable phone spin on the floor for what felt like an eternity.

Heartbreak #2 Sam. My Delayed High School Sweetheart. Age 20.

Sam was from the same suburb as mine, but we met at a bar in the city, while he was hosting an open mic night, and I had taken a job putting up posters promoting their events. When he confided in me that his parents were going through a divorce (something that I was an old pro at dealing with by now), I felt compelled to offer support even though we barely knew one another. We met at the library in between our houses and talked until the sun came up. We eventually had to be rescued by his father when his parents’ car battery died after we had jointly decided it was a great idea to climb into the trunk and get our awkward flirt on.

As we continued to see one another, it began to feel as though were in a boat, just the two of us. Whenever we saw one another, the rest of the world would disappear, and we were alone on the water together. After several months, Sam went away for a school trip. He had been nervous about a presentation and didn’t have an outfit he felt confident enough to present in, so before dawn on the day he left, I slid my way across frozen tundra that lined the path to his house that winter, and presented a care package that I had meticulously put together of his favorite colors and prints in an outfit for his presentation. His father drove us to his pickup point where we shared a sweet goodbye and then, rather than introduce me to his group of classmates, Sam awkwardly pointed me toward the bus stop (inconveniently, 2 minutes after his father had left for our neighborhood) and then scurried over to join them.

I would later learn he was leaving me for one of the classmates he had avoided introducing me to. I was okay, I had convinced myself; until I curled up in my mother’s lap like an infant, and wept a heavy sob that squeezed every drop of moisture out of my body.

He moved across the country with his new girlfriend from school, and then eventually came back home after she cheated on him. We both happened to be back in our hometown, and ran into one another at the bar where we had both met. As we embraced for the first time in years, I felt the familiar comfort of our boat. This time, however, it was as if he had a dark cloud looming above him. He had become embittered, and I felt compelled to stay as far away as possible. Our mutual friend relayed snidely to me that Sam thought I wanted to marry him and was afraid of seeing him, lest I lose all composure. I responded matter-of-factly that I didn’t mind if I never saw him again. This felt like I was saying it as much to him as I was to myself. Somehow, the universe caught the message and seven years later, we haven’t seen each other in person since.

Heartbreak #3 Jonathan. My Rock Bottom. Age 27.

Truthfully, it was by now that I thought I had aged out of feeling this devastated. Jonathan knocked the wind right out of me. I was empowered and in my element while pursuing a life I loved and taking everything by storm; so when I met Jonathan and discovered our shared feelings, I took the bull by the horns, throwing both caution and boundaries to the wind. As I seized what felt like destiny, it occurred to me how fully engaged and attracted to him I was physically, emotionally and intellectually in an as yet undiscovered way that formed a perfect storm of vulnerability. At first, I felt charming, understood and cherished as we celebrated the prize we had both won in finding each other. A small voice inside me knew it was trouble, but I was a warrior and this felt powerful. I could handle it if things went sour, I convinced myself. This wasn’t my first rodeo and love is worth risks, I bargained. I walked a razor’s edge with Jonathan; he was every bit what you would consider to be the human equivalent of the purest, most deadly addictive drug. Even as I type this, I feel like crumbs of scar tissue are still working their way through my emotional lymphatic system.

Recovery and the Slow Burn.

After a great deal of personal reflection and time alone, I started slowly seeing a stoic man who possesses a quiet calm. He is a sleeping angel in the bed we share as I type this on our nearby couch. I never really felt any fireworks, I didn’t feel like I was in a boat. He didn’t create riddles to explain how he felt (Except for this week, when he compared the evolution of his feelings to a speedometer). When we met, I was still pulling shards out of my fragile psyche. I was not ready for anything serious, I thought. It wasn’t until several months into our relationship that it occurred to me that he was someone I had grown to cherish. I would pick fights and shut down emotionally and start exhibiting all of the traits that had hurt me and had nothing to do with him. He remained sweetly quiet, stoic and unaffected. He just wanted to get us dinner, watch movies and hang out together. He occasionally voiced some concern, but did not think much of my emotionally stunted behavior. I thought he must not really care, so I acted out— until I learned not to. Mostly. As time passed, my fuse grew longer and my sanity began to restore itself. As my head poked out of the sand, there he was, watching movies and hanging out. Without much fanfare, I grew to find myself loving, and eventually (this is an important distinction) in love with him. Little things, mostly silly mannerisms, how he laughs in his sleep, or personal reflections on life that should be a book which straddles self help and unintentional satire. What we share has developed into a cherished depth of connection I haven’t felt with anyone else before. I call it the slow burn.

I probably would not have ever seen Walker (the name I imagine he’d like me to use for him) as a potential partner even a couple of years ago, because I craved the drama, the high stakes, the boat. I needed the excitement. Relationships had to make me high otherwise they didn’t feel real. I wanted to feel the impact, even if it hurt. I couldn’t manage anything between euphoria and total collapse. As I depart the emotional roller coaster of my 20s, I’ve learned to enjoy the nuances in between.

Be a Man Magnet Everyday

by zfortadminin LOVE

Learn flirting techniques from a professional wingwoman. Men paid her to help them make a move, apply her tips close the deal the next time you lock eyes with that sexy man at the bar. 

Do you ever go out sometimes and feel like guys aren’t giving you the attention you deserve, and you can’t figure out why? That used to happen to me too. Then I became a part-time “wingwoman” — a girl who helps guys meet chicks in bars by posing as the guys’ platonic female friend. (Wingwoman services are available in many cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, Miami, and Saint Louis.) While earning my wings, I learned lots of little tricks every single girl can use to improve her success with guys. Warning: Once you perfect these moves, you might find that you’re such a powerful man-magnet, you attract guys everywhere. I used to date a guy who asked me out at the ATM!

Wingtip #1: Go out in groups of no bigger than three.

Larger groups of girls are supertough (read: intimidating) to approach. Three is a good number because your two friends can keep each other company when a guy walks up to chat with you.

Group of friends toasting with cocktails in the bar

Wingtip #2: Hold a drink in your hand.

Guys don’t want to be used. Meaning: They don’t want to buy you a drink right off the bat. My clients and I used to look for the girl with half a cocktail. That way, if she finishes her beverage while chatting with my guy, he could offer to buy her another to keep things moving.

Wingtip #3: Smile genuinely.

So obvious, right? But I can’t stress it enough — and I can’t believe I ever acted aloof in an attempt to seem sexier. Now I know that women smile all the time naturally (when we’re nervous, when we’re trying to be polite, etc.), so if you don’t do it at all, you look like an unapproachable bitch.

Wingtip #4: Work the eye contact.

To reel him in from across the room, tilt your chin down a bit and flash him a couple of sultry glances. (Guys love it when you look up at them — it makes them feel manly.) If the guy across the room is so gorgeous you have a hard time looking straight at him and are simply too nervous, fake it by focusing on the tiny area right between his eyes. He won’t be able to tell the difference.

Wingtip #5: Don’t immediately ask him what he does.

Some men think all women are gold diggers. A lot of my clients hated being asked what their job is. It’s that fear-of-being-used thing again.

Wingtip #6 Make positive small talk.

Once I started studying other women, I couldn’t believe how negative some of us appear. When you’re out on the town, you’re supposed to be having fun, and any complaint (“It’s hot in here!”), pessimism (“There will definitely be another terrorist attack”), or snarky quip (“Look at that chick’s belt — so 2002!”) pretty much pokes a hole in the fun-girl aura you should be projecting. Some better small-talk topics: recent vacations, favorite bands, hilarious movies. You can hit him with your deep, dark world-view some other time.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Should Relationships End?

by Riley Silvermanin LOVE

Not too long ago I had to listen to a lecture for work reasons that was about the topic of whether or not it was a good idea for a couple to live together before they got married.  The lecture was skewed towards people of faith, so the natural conclusion was that it wasn’t better.  Rather than fall back on the old standard of living in sin, however, the speaker backed his position up with actual numbers, citing evidence that the divorce rates for people who got married after living together were significantly higher for those who “shacked up” versus those who didn’t make Jesus cry. Thus, those who wait till marriage are more likely to have a successful marriage.

These numbers, I should point out, are fiercely debated and a quick Google search on them yields hundreds of different articles questioning what other factors, like age, economics, etc., could have a stronger correlation to the divorce rates than the shacking up does.  I would also argue that a factor to consider is that the very people who would wait till marriage to live together out of fear of their parents or God or both, are the same people who probably aren’t too likely to consider getting a divorce as a really viable option either.  So of course those people have lower divorce rates. But do they necessarily have happier marriages, or are they just more likely to stay in a bad marriage because they won’t consider a divorce?

What if, and just come with me on this, what if we completely threw out the idea that the single greatest marker of a successful marriage, or any relationship, is that it doesn’t end? It seems crazy, I know, but just think about it.  Each and every one of us probably has at least one great relationship in our past with someone who we ultimately didn’t end up staying with.  What if that wasn’t a failed relationship, but was actually a resounding success? …a resounding success that just happened to end at some point.

Maybe, just maybe, the very real possibility exists that great successful but ultimately short-term relationships are not only possible, but in many, many cases they are so by design.  I could think of the amazing, five month long relationship I had with a woman named Hilary that started in 2009 and ended in 2010 when I moved to Los Angeles as a failure I suppose but I don’t see it that way.  I think the two of us helped each other through a strange transitional moment in both of our lives. It was beautiful while it lasted and then it came to an end when it had to.  I can think of the fact that my parents’ marriage, which is going on forty years’ strong, is not my father’s first marriage, and the fact that I wouldn’t exist if he and his first wife had felt they had to make it work.

So often we let the culture teach us that ending a relationship is the result of a personal failure on our part.  We didn’t work hard enough, we didn’t make the right effort, we were too selfish, etc.  And maybe that’s true sometimes.  But I think the reality is that humans are complicated beings with more and more complicated lives and sometimes we’re so complicated that what is best for us one year might not be the next, or five, ten, fifty years down the road.  Sometimes no amount of work, no amount of attention, will make a relationship last.  Sometimes separating from your partner is the most loving thing you can do.

Romantic Comedies: Love Inspiration or The Dark Side?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Are you a fan of romantic comedies? How much do the elaborate plot lines and character triumphs do you apply to your own dream of romance? 

They’re both really attractive, in a cutesy kind of way. They’re meant to be together. We, mere strangers in a movie theatre, chomping popcorn like witless cud-chewing bovines, know they’re meant to be together. So why in the name of all things Jennifer Aniston don’t they know they’re meant to be together!

Misunderstandings roll, cute things happen, zany best friends glide in and out, you check your watch, no CGI explosions occur (there might be the odd “humorous” fist fight) and finally these two lovable bright-toothed dimwits realize they were always meant to be together. What a relief for all of us. Now we can go home. The Rom Com is over, thank you very much and goodnight. But is that the end of it for you?

Romantic Comedies: The Dark Side!
Personally I feel all rom-coms should carry health warnings because of the testosterone-depleting effects they can have on men. Okay here’s a secret; I admit it. I have enjoyed the odd rom-com begrudgingly. Is that wrong? But it seems these movies really could damage your relationships. Research has found that viewing a rom-com can make people feel less appreciative of their partner and less loving toward them (1). Expectations get unrealistically raised and reality bites and it isn’t sexy. But is this new?

Popular media has always moulded notions of how romance and relationships “should” be. Traditional fairy tales, read literally, seem to propagate an idealized version of romance. On cue with a little understanding from the beautiful girl our frog turns into a handsome prince with a private trust fund. Or the situation seems hopeless, all is chaos with wicked step sisters and the like, but somehow, through destiny, the prince finds his bride, the slipper fits, and everybody gets the “happily ever after” we all knew was coming.

But in real life the “princess” wonders why the “magic” so often happens in reverse. Kiss Prince Charming (plus a little more) and miraculously he’s transmuted into an uncommunicative, belching, couch-hogging frog. “Cinderella” takes to stalking “Prince Charming”, finds he’s married or as faithful as a rooster on heat and it all ends in tears. I don’t remember that fairy tale! So, unrealistic expectations aside where, if at all, is true romance in all of this?

Romance-the forgotten art
Genuine romance, as opposed to paid for at the movie theatre, shouldn’t be about holding perfectionist standards for our loved one or expecting smooth glamor now and always. Romantic feelings should be resilient and override the normal demands of life, up to a point at least.

What is romance? You can have wonderful sex and friendship in your relationship but little or no romance. I think men fall for a woman romantically when she captures his imagination as well as his…err loins. And she will capture his imagination (as long as he has one) by responding to his romance. So romance may be more likely to spark and burn alongside sex and friendship but somehow it’s more than those two things. A meal can be sustaining and satisfying but the “romance” of the meal is in its unique flavours.

It’s often said by women that men, most men, just aren’t romantic. But I wonder whether this is really true. I suspect men feel just as romantic but don’t always know how to communicate their romantic feelings. The flavor needs to be unlocked.

Men will just as often speak of love when honestly discussing their relationships. The idea that men only care about the lust part but not the deeper feelings associated with love is just not true. Romance is a feeling, a sense of unique connection with someone – a merging of spirits, but it is also a behaviour – a way of communicating. So you can feel loving and romantic but not necessarily know how to communicate that.

It’s about the gesture
I know a woman whose ex-boyfriend bought her an electric drill for her first birthday they were together. He’d assumed this would have more utilitarian value than a surprise weekend break or a painting and flowers. And he was right – an electric drill is more useful and will last longer. But romance is about:

    • The gesture
    • The unique symbolic meaning behind the gesture.

So what is the gesture, the meaning behind buying your loved one an electric drill? That you feel neighborly towards her? That you are a post feminist male? That the floorboards need aligning? We men might find it hard to comprehend that the less practical application a gift has the more romantic it can be.

In one survey nearly all the women sampled agreed that flowers meant more to them when they were given for no particular reason at all (2). Go figure! Or rather go buy some flowers! What makes it romantic is precisely that it doesn’t “do” anything, it represents something. It has symbolic meaning.

Here’s an important point. The guy who bought his woman an electric drill may have felt romantic toward her, so it wasn’t that he wasn’t romantic at heart it’s just that a central aspect of what romance really means to many women wasn’t on his radar.

Romance can be learned
Men may not stand around in locker rooms discussing the “lovely romantic gesture” their hot date made last night and guys don’t generally discuss Rom Coms when they get together for a beer. But the fact that men, okay some men cherish their women, love them passionately and actually like them too shows that romance is genuinely part of who they are and how they feel. Many men are amazed how behaving more, just a bit more, romantically with a woman has such powerful affects. Romantic gestures and even words show:

      • That you take the trouble to think about her and the two of you.
      • That you are considerate and feel uniquely toward her.
      • That however tough, manly, macho up-to-the-plate-stepping you are, you are able to be nurturing too.
      • That you are able to think creatively.

Sure some men will learn to counterfeit romance in order to manipulate women, just as some women will counterfeit sexual interest in a man in order to manipulate him. Romance, to be genuine, needs to be congruent, a genuine sentiment. There are and always will be those non transforming toads and the wicked witches of fairy tale lore. But most people, women and men can feel true romantic sentiments and develop ways to genuinely communicate them outside of Rom Com land.

 

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Romance, Cat photos and Emojis

by Virginia Jonesin LOVE1 Comment on Romance, Cat photos and Emojis

“I go out walkin’ after midnight
Out in the moonlight
Just like we used to do
I’m always walkin’ after midnight, searchin’ for you”
– As sung by Patsy Cline, written by Alan Block and Donn Hecht

In Walkin’ after Midnight, Patsy Cline sings about walking around her neighborhood, thinking about her ex lover and wishing to be with him.  She seems to be hoping that the energy of her desire will draw him out of his house and bring them together.  This song is so sad and full of longing, and it couldn’t happen today.

She’d just send him a text: ‘sup?  And if he was up, he’d write “u up?” and they’d start sexting and eventually hook up at her place, or behind a P.F. Chang’s.

Going back even further, you may not know that the legendary lantern signal one if by land, two if by sea was actually the way that colonist Paul Revere let his mistress know if his wife had gone to bed and she could come over.

Now he’d just Instagram a picture of two lanterns and caption it “Hey ladies”.

Classic romance films An Affair to Remember and Sleepless in Seattle both had a scene where a man waits atop the Empire State Building for a woman to meet him, his heart filled with hope and anxiety and longing, but not today.  He’d wait five minutes and send her an emoji of a clock and an angry face, and she’d text him back with an eggplant and a thumbs up, or something.   The main twist to all romantic films from here forward will always have to include a broken phone, or losing battery and not being able to find an outlet to charge.

Technology has completely changed the way we communicate, and late night communication in particular.  If Lord Byron wanted to send a secret missive, he had to wake a servant up to hand deliver a handwritten note, and that servant had to wake up her servant, and what if your servants are sleepy, or, worse, you don’t have any?  You’re limited to throwing rocks at a window or moaning out on your balcony, “Romeo!  Wherefore art thou?”

Now, it’s almost too easy.  Once you’ve had a couple drinks and watched Magic Mike XXL, you might reach out to a friend or ex or acquaintance in a more direct way than you would at lunchtime on a Tuesday.  That’s ok, or at least, it’s normal- but if you do find that you’re embarrassed by your late night phone behavior, use my friend’s policy:  he doesn’t write anyone between midnight and 7am, less it be construed as a sext.  “Anything I want to say can wait until it’s daylight,” he says.

young couple in kitchen drinking coffee and using smart mobile phone

We communicate via text much more than in any other method.  It’s easier than ever to use messaging to reduce physical distance between people- but be careful once you start dating, because it can make you feel more distant.

In a study published this year, Pew Research found that 25 percent of cellphone users in a relationship believed that their partner was distracted by that person’s cellphone when they were together, and 45% of internet users ages 18-29 in serious relationships say the internet and phones have had an impact on their relationship.

What do we take from all this?  It’s great to get in touch on your phone, it’s great to stay in touch, but try to prioritize the people you’re actually with and have a better connection with them.  Try the following:

Treat your date or outing like a job interview, and keep your phone in your purse or pocket until you’re leaving.  Try leaving it in your car’s glove compartment.  That’s right.  Turn it off and put it in a box.  It’s not your friend.

Try logging out of Facebook, so when you do decide to check it, you have to log back in to see how many people liked your cat picture.  It’ll make you more aware of how often you just check in, and are able to consider how often is really necessary.

At the very least, pop into Airplane Mode to silence the delicious little buzzes and bells that let you know someone somewhere has done something.  Try to live in the moment, and pay attention to the person you like doing that with.

How Do You Feel about Tinder?

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

With so much of today’s millennials connecting with friends online in there daily life, its no surprise dating apps like Tinder are popular. Tinder and other online dating apps have changed the way dates and relationships are formed, but would you say it has caused a “dating apocalypse.”

Tinder has thrown a Twitter tantrum over a Vanity Fair article all about today’s hookup app generation, mobile dating apps and the “dating apocalypse”.

Written by journalist and author Nancy Jo Sales, who wrote The Bling Ring, the article was published last week on Vanity Fair.

Titled “Tinder and the Dawn of the “Dating Apocalypse””, Sales gives a glimpse into today’s hookup app generation, told through the eyes of young men and women who recount their often shocking experiences in the modern dating landscape.

The article really focuses on how today’s daters are using apps like Tinder, the kind of throwaway hookup behaviour both sexes are accustomed to, and how dating apps could be changing their attitudes towards sex, love and relationships.

Here are some sample excerpts:

“With these dating apps, he says, “you’re always sort of prowling. You could talk to two or three girls at a bar and pick the best one, or you can swipe a couple hundred people a day—the sample size is so much larger. It’s setting up two or three Tinder dates a week and, chances are, sleeping with all of them, so you could rack up 100 girls you’ve slept with in a year.””

“But others lament the way the extreme casualness of sex in the age of Tinder leaves many women feeling de-valued.”

“So where is this all going to go? What happens after you’ve come of age in the age of Tinder? Will people ever be satisfied with a sexual or even emotional commitment to one person? And does that matter? Can men and women ever find true intimacy in a world where communication is mediated by screens; or trust, when they know their partner has an array of other, easily accessible options?”

Although the article was posted last Tuesday, Tinder only embarked on the 30-tweet rant yesterday, after journalist Nancy Jo Sales posted a link to an article which said 30% of Tinder users are married.

Tinder repeated their position that this survey was “preposterous”, which sparked a flood of tweets explaining why Tinder is so much more than just a hookup app, helping singles across the world create meaningful connections, relationships and friendships.

Tinder has insisted for years that the app is about more than just hookups, and this Twitter storm almost feels like that particular pot boiling over after simmering for a long time.

And the company has subsequently stood by the rant, which has received national press and lots of attention on Twitter, with an official statement.

Check out the full rant below, and read the Vanity Fair article here.

 

 

Pages: 1 2

Recipes for Making Up, Shacking Up and Getting It On

by Alexandra Norrisin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

It is a cliche for a reason, the idea that the way to our hearts is through our stomachs. When someone cooks for you, it is a sign of nurturing that indicates we care.

The first boyfriend I ever lived with had a fridge was stocked with a stale half eaten box of pastries, and half a bottle of old wine when we met. As it turned out, his parents had fixated so much on directing his focus to his studies, that he never learned to care for himself at all. No laundry, no meals. At 28, he had a pile of laundry the size of king kong and ordered from restaurants for literally every meal that wasn’t prepared by his mother.

When I accidentally burned his eggs doused in maple syrup, he raved with incredulity that you “couldn’t get this in any restaurant,” scarfing it down in seconds. His favorite meal happened to be the first I ever learned to cook that my parents fell in love over and had dueling recipes for; spaghetti bolognese. He delighted in learning each step and insisted on preparing all the ingredients as he watched them all come together in the pot. He covered all of the chopping, dicing, ralphing from eating raw onion skin… the works. In gratitude, he would even graciously insist on doing the dishes; resulting in a lovingly chipped collection of dishware that we shared together. It was one of my favorite parts of our entire relationship.

happy couple have a romantic date in a fine dining restaurant th

Years later, I found myself travelling across the continent in a heroic attempt to save a relationship. When I arrived, I presented my White Bean Dream, a recipe I had been given from a food blogger when I had been tasked with writing about food for a lifestyle website. It included hand pressed white bean patties with diced jalapeno pepper and home-made pico de gallo; it had been his favorite meal that I once nearly lost a finger preparing. He thought the gesture of kicking him out of his kitchen and bleeding on his chopping blocks to be endearing. So naturally it was my go-to joint for a love-saving mission. I followed it with his favorite chocolate pretzels and sliced fruit in Greek yogurt in mugs covered in whipped cream.

Pages: 1 2

How to Find True Love Through Meeting You

by zfortadminin LOVE

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman

The moon was shining brightly that balmy summer’s night in the park. He’d arranged a meeting to “sort things out.” Little did he know I’d finally built the courage to walk away. And that’s exactly what I did.

I was devastated but mostly relieved. Finally I was free.

For the longest time I’d craved his love. I needed his approval. I wanted the happy ending so badly.

Why? I meant something when I was with him. I felt worthy and kind of secure.

But I wasn’t. I’d given away all of my power. I was dependent on him to feel love.

And he knew it so he treated me however he wanted. For him it was a game, and every problem in our relationship somehow always came back to me.

I was needy, insecure, and completely out of touch with who I was and what I really wanted. I’d sacrificed everything about me in an effort to try and please another being.

He told me I wasn’t sexy enough, so I read book after book about how to be more feminine and alluring. He told me I was too quiet, so went out of my way to be outgoing, happy, and bubbly. He told me I took up too much time, so I made other plans and disappeared for a while.

He could have told me anything and I would have accepted it. There wasn’t an ounce of self-respect in my bones. My misery was born from this very fact.

I’d let this happen for so long. It wasn’t entirely his fault. My neediness and lack of self-worth had created and perpetuated our problems. But for some reason that I can’t explain, that evening a spark had been ignited and I’d finally had enough.

I’d reached my pain threshold. I was completely done with feeling miserable, doubting myself, and feeling disrespected. I was so over letting someone else control my decisions, emotions, and self-worth.

I’d begun to love myself a little more than I loved him. A butterfly was emerging from the cold, dark cocoon I’d been hiding in my whole life. It felt new and scary but ridiculously empowering and liberating.

In a moment of clarity a string of epiphanies melted my confusion:

  • Deep love comes from within.
  • I choose how I want to feel.
  • I’ll never be satisfied just with love from someone else.
  • If I don’t authentically love myself, I can’t expect anyone else to truly love me.
  • The way I treat myself shows others how I expect to be treated.

That evening I vowed to put myself first and to be kind, loving, and generous with myself. This is the way I wanted to be treated. Out of self-respect and needing a fresh start, I walked away. From that point on it was my intention to live my life on my terms.

It might sound selfish but it was completely the opposite. And it eventually led me to the life-long relationship of my dreams.

What’s The Real Impact Of Neediness On Relationships?

I wholeheartedly believe that sharing the joys and wonder of life with another being who lights up your world is absolutely priceless. There’s nothing like it. It’s one of the greatest joys on Earth, and something every human being deserves to experience.

But it’s extremely hard to find this happiness with another if you’re in a relationship with a need to be filled up by someone else.

Being needy, insecure, and trying to gain approval and a sense of self-worth from your partner puts a huge amount of pressure on them, and it’s a major turn-off.

It’s an unachievable task because feeling inherently loved and worthy comes from within. Not from your partner.

Creating an outstanding love doesn’t come from two half-fulfilled people coming together to make one whole, complete life. Outstanding love comes from two whole people coming together to share and enhance their already full and beautiful lives.

An amazing relationship comes about when we own and appreciate who we are and completely accept the other person for who they are.

So loving and putting you first is not selfish, it’s necessary. It’s imperative to creating the wonderful love and life we all desire. And let’s get something straight—loving yourself doesn’t deplete the love tank; it actually fills it up so we have even more to give.

What Does Self-Love Really Look Like?

It’s prioritizing your dreams and making an effort to do things that inspire and light you up.

It’s saying “no” to things you don’t agree with or that don’t fit in with your plans.

It’s deciding to spend time with people who support, encourage, and motivate you to be the best version of you.

It’s owning your thoughts and opinions and refusing to be swayed in order to please others.

It’s being gentle with and talking kindly and sweetly to yourself.

It’s having the courage to try new things that you’ve always wanted to experience.

It’s taking time out to nourish your mind, body, and soul—exercise, eating well, alone time.

It’s trusting your intuition and honoring your own truth.

It’s spending money on things that make you feel amazing while investing in your future.

It’s daring to believe that you’re capable of achieving and creating the life you visualize.

It’s choosing to see the good and refusing to let others bring you down.

It’s gifting yourself forgiveness and accepting yourself for all of your beautiful and not-so-cool quirks and qualities.

How Does Self-Love Create A Great Relationship?

When we truly love and respect ourselves, we’re free from doubt and endless worry, so we trust our feelings and decisions. It allows us to be courageous and authentic.

We begin to live from the heart and play a bigger, kinder, more generous version of life. We forget our self-imposed boundaries and dare to dream larger and wilder.

We stop focusing on negativity and become present to the beauty and possibilities within and outside of ourselves. We realize how great our lives are and open the doors for gratitude to flow in abundance.

We start to emanate happiness, confidence, playfulness, peace, and positivity.

It’s electric and like a powerful magnet to others. Your ideal partner will be drawn to you like a bear fresh out of hibernation looking for his first meal.

And once you find that special one, love will be easy.

It’ll be natural. It’ll flow freely without judgment or pretense. It’ll inspire and nourish you. Your lives will be even richer, happier, and more vibrant than ever.

And you’ll wonder why you didn’t take the time to fall radically in love with you just a little bit sooner.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Creating a Lasting Love

by zfortadminin LOVE

The Huffington Post takes a close look at creating a lasting, committed relationship last with 5 simple steps.

We don’t get to see what comes next.

We don’t see how they cope with the realities of life. We don’t see how they adjust to living together or what happens after the wedding and the honeymoon. Most of all, we don’t see how couples stay together, year after year, through raising kids, job losses, ill health, in-laws and all the other daily things that make up a life.

My first marriage lasted nine years and I ended up with three gorgeous boys. That first marriage taught me a lot, mostly what I didn’t want in a relationship. Then I was incredibly lucky to meet my current husband and we have been together happily defying the statistics for the past 23 years.

Second marriages often fail. Part of that is what Oprah calls “showing up wearing another pair of pants”. You haven’t worked through all your issues so you attract the same kind of person over and over until you finally get the lesson. The other part of that is the strain of blending two families together — it doesn’t always look like “The Brady Bunch.”

Our family kind of did look a bit like that as I had three sons and my partner had four daughters but that was where the similarity ended. It wasn’t all smiling faces and there was no “Alice, the housekeeper,” although I could have really used one of those!

What I learned was this — staying together takes work and commitment, which doesn’t sound very sexy but it’s the truth. What that looked like for us were these simple steps:

1. Be committed.

When the going gets tough (and it will get tough at times) be there for each other. It is easy to fall into blaming or pitching a fit but the best thing you can do is to talk it out.

I wasn’t good at this in the beginning. I figured that I had walked out on one marriage and I could do it again, I would survive (Cue Gloria Gaynor’s song “I will Survive” as the theme song for my life.) I slowly figured out that hanging on together was a much better option and talking things through made everyone feel happier.

2. Take time as a couple.

Making time to reconnect with each other every day, without the kids is the number one priority. Taking just half an hour to share what’s going on for each of you at the end of the day is a key strategy to a lasting relationship. The kids will take up all available time if you let them.

When we had five of them living with us, it would have been easy to focus just on them and we did give them all lots of attention. We also made it a point to spend time as a couple, especially at the end of the day and it is something we still do now that all the kids have left home.

Pages: 1 2