LOVE Archives - Page 15 of 36

How Your Brain Falls in Love

January 19, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

They don’t call love a drug for nothing. When we fall for someone, our brains release a cocktail of chemicals, creating feelings of euphoria and pleasure and (if all goes well) closeness and comfort.

That complex organ inside our head is hardwired to want love and keep love at all costs—a response that has been crucial to the survival of our species.

Curious what that hardwiring looks like? Here’s what happens in your brain at six stages of romantic love.

1. First attraction: Call me maybe*

Say you develop a crush on your neighbor. Every time you think about this person, you feel giddy—you feel really good. What’s happening? The neurons in your brain are releasing dopamine, a feel-good hormone and neurotransmitter associated with euphoria (as well as gambling and drug addiction). And because your brain wants you to keep pursuing this feeling, like a little love-carrot, it fires off more dopamine every time you think about the crush.

2. Early courtship: You really got me

Notice how whenever you really like someone you get nervous before a date? Your palms sweat, your heart races, and you can practically feel the adrenaline surging through your body? Well, that’s because it is. In the early throes of a romantic relationship, your brain sends a signal to the adrenal gland (located on top of the kidneys) to pump out the chemicals adrenaline, epinephrine, and norepinephrine, giving you a rush of excitement.

Norepinephrine is especially key. Like dopamine, it makes us feel good—but it also makes us feel infatuated and obsessed. It’s our brain’s way of saying: keep going.

3. The fall: Addicted to love

Now you’re hooked. Suddenly you want to be around this person every minute of every day. Why? Studies (particularly the work of anthropologist Helen Fisher) have shown that the same part of your brain that activates when you’re addicted to cocaine activates when you’re in love. It’s called the limbic reward system.

Basically, your brain has decided that love is essential and wants more. From an evolutionary standpoint, this response developed to help us procreate, then raise offspring together. Did you know the love drive is stronger than the sex drive?

During this phase, the limbic system continues to release dopamine, which acts as a feel-good electrical current and keeps you craving the person you love. When the object of your desire is not around, you may feel like you’re in withdrawal, motivating you to see him or her again. As with any drug, however, the high has diminishing returns—which is why, after a few months, the rush can weaken and people fall out of love. Unless, of course, they’ve become attached.

4. The rose-colored glasses: You are so beautiful

What flaws? While falling in love, we often ignore red flags that our friends see loud and clear. That’s because—while other parts of the limbic reward system are lighting up like a Christmas tree—the amygdala decides to shut down, according to brain scans, taking our good judgment with it.

The amygdala, a set of neurons located in the temporal lobe, plays a big role in how we react to stimuli. It’s key to making judgment calls, recognizing fearful situations, and can even decipher when someone is lying to us. When people are in love, however, the amygdala takes a little nap—which clouds judgment and causes the enamored to see his or her beloved through rose-colored glasses.

5. Attachment: Only wanna be with you

You’ve bonded. As we spend time with the object of our affection, our brains start to release oxytocin, nicknamed “the love hormone.” This neuropeptide is produced in the hypothalamus and released into our brains during times of intimacy—when mothers breastfeed their babies, for example, or when we orgasm. Studies have shown that oxytocin is key to fostering trust and commitment. Unlike the quick high of dopamine, oxytocin is subtler and sticks around longer, leading to a deeper attachment.

6. Deep attachment: Never gonna give you up

Over time love can, of course, develop into deep companionship. When two people have been committed to each other for years, their brains show increased activity in the ventral pallidum.

This region of the brain is rich with oxytocin and vasopressin receptors—two chemicals associated with monogamy and deep attachment—which, according to work by Helen Fisher, explains why it lights up when people experience long-term attachment. It’s the same region of the brain that activates in monogamous prairie voles, who mate for life.

Brain scans show that the limbic reward system remains active during deep attachment as well—meaning couples in this stage experience the rush of early courtship along with deep attachment. Love is great.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Communication and the Science of How We Bond

January 19, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

My mentor Professor Garth Fletcher has a new book out, co-written with three of the other smartest minds in relationships research. It’s called The Science of Intimate Relationships, and is an essential read for budding relationships experts.

As a preview of what’s in the book, I sat down with Garth to ask him six big questions about relationships science.

Alice: How big a deal is good communication in relationships?

Professor Fletcher: A very big deal indeed. That said, unpacking the nature of “good” communication is a major scientific challenge. What do you do, for example, if your partner, yet again, treats the floor as a closet or fails to pick up the bath mat. One popular model – the honest communication model – suggests that you should openly express your negative feelings, otherwise the problem will continue to simmer and corrode the relationship. Conversely, the equally popular good management model posits that regularly expressing your negative feelings and thoughts has corrosive effects on the relationship and you should perhaps stifle your negative feelings and learn to live with the problem, or drop some diplomatic hints.

After a lot of research, the general answer emerging – too messy and complex to sell many self-help books – is that the worst thing to do is to adopt one approach as an automatic default option. Instead the best communicators flexibly and intelligently alter their strategies depending on the context, the nature of the problem, their partner’s peccadilloes, and so forth.

For example, research by Nickola Overall at Auckland University suggests that being honest and direct (without indulging in character assignation) is effective in getting your partner to change his or her ways, whereas adopting a soft approach (dropping diplomatic hints about the bathmat) is likely to leave your partner blithely unaware of the problem or dismiss its importance.

Alice: Just how different are men and women when it comes to relationships?

Professor Fletcher: Arguments about sex differences often involve debates about evolutionary psychology. First, a tremendous amount of evidence has shown that men and women are different in some basic ways in relationships. Take three examples.

1. Men are more interested in casual sex than women.

2. Men are less focused on status and resources in selecting mates than women, and

3. Women are more expert and motivated relationship managers than men.

All these sex differences (found around the world) can be explained as a function of the differing levels of investment the sexes contribute to bearing and raising children (a theory developed by Robert Trivers in 1972 – termed parental investment theory – based on sexual selection theory proposed by Darwin).

However, two major caveats apply. First, I am talking about mean differences between the sexes; it turns out that the differences with each sex are almost always considerably greater than the differences between sexes.

Second, the behavior and attitudes of both men and women (and the magnitude of the associated sex differences) can change substantially as a function of the culture and the context. I will give two examples.

(a) When the number of men in a culture substantially exceeds the number of women, men become keener on long-term commitment.

(b) In speed dating studies, women are generally choosier than men – a lot choosier! However, women who are less attractive are less choosy (they decide to make further contact more often), especially when there are more attractive women in their speed-dating group.

Alice: Do we know what causes relationships to break-up?

Professor Fletcher: The short answer is yes.

For both dating and marital relationships, a bunch of socio-demographic factors are linked to higher levels of dissolution (e.g., low income, low religiosity, unemployment), some personality factors (e.g., being neurotic, attachment avoidance), and a slew of factors linked to the nature of the relationship (e.g.,infidelity, violence, poor communication, negative attitudes to the partner, poor support).

If you enter a relationship with a deck already stacked for or against you, is the fate of your relationship already sealed? No.

Relationship interaction and communication have large effects over and above what individuals bring with them into a relationship. The figure bandied round the zeitgeist for the odds of marriages ending in divorce is 50%. Actually, the only countries that even approach this figure are Belgium and the USA, and the divorce rate in the US seems to have been coming down lately.

In other western countries like New Zealand, Australia, Canada, and the UK, the divorce rate is closer to 35%. I am constantly struck by the high proportion of marriages that go the course in modern, western settings, given the relatively recent introduction of no-fault legislation, the more relaxed norms concerning divorce, and the increasing economic independence of women. Humans are truly a pair-bonding species.

Alice: Attachment theory and ideas developed by John Bowlby have had a huge impact on relationship therapy and our understanding of romantic relationships. But do our childhood experiences really determine what happens in our adult relationships?

Professor Fletcher: Bowlby has had a huge impact on the field for sure, and it shows no signs of dissipating. I think one major reason is that Bowlby developed his theory by trolling though the scientific literature across many fields including computer science, ethology, evolutionary biology, and developmental psychology.

He was able to combine this with his own clinical experience to nail down some of the crucial features of the attachment system, with the help of Mary Ainsworth, (a student of Bowlby’s) who developed the famous lab-strange situation. In this set-up infants were left by their mothers briefly (in one condition with a stranger present) and their behavior was observed both in this situation and when their mother returned.

The big bang of adult attachment work was provided by Cindy Hazan and Phil Shaver in 1987, who reported that the percentages of people reporting being secure (56%) avoidant (25%) or anxious (19%) in their romantic relationships were similar those reported by Ainsworth in her observations of infants in the lab strange situation. Well over 1500 studies on adult attachment have been reported since 1987, so I won’t attempt a review here. However, let me give two bottom-line conclusions.

First, attachment styles formed in the first 2 years of life continue to have a life-long impact. Second, attachment styles are relatively stable, but are also exquisitely sensitive to relationship experiences. As a child or as an adult, relationship experiences (good or bad) can slowly shift people from secure to insecure attachment styles, and vice versa.

Alice: There is a lot of controversy about the role of evolution in the way romance and relationships work. What is your take on this?”

Professor Fletcher: Well, the controversy is probably played up in the media, but it is true that some if not many psychologists remain skeptical about the value of an evolutionary approach to intimate relationships. However, humans are the products of evolution, and the fulcrum of Darwinian evolution is sexual reproduction. Thus, it is hardly surprising that there is a tight connection between human nature and human mating and family life.

There is considerable evidence, for example, that romantic love between adults is an evolved device for producing the kind of powerful commitment required for parents to stay together for many years, thus facilitating the enormous investment required for the care, provisioning, teaching, and protection of offspring across the relatively stretched childhood and adolescence of modern humans. However, as I said before, an evolutionary approach only goes so far.

The powerful roles of culture and the interpersonal context also need to be taken into account. But these forces do not operate in some either/or fashion. Humans have evolved as cultural animals, born to be shaped and to learn from our cultural heritage. Moreover, the fact that culture and context bend behavior around does not negate the power of our evolutionary heritage. Indeed, there is considerable evidence that evolution builds in behavioral flexibility to many species, probably reaching its zenith in modern humans.

Alice: Where is the scientific study of romantic relationships going?

Professor Fletcher: The scientific study of romance and love really got going from about 1980 onwards. Evolutionary psychologists picked up from where Darwin left off, and started investigating mate selection in humans. Social and clinical psychologists started to intensely study interaction in intimate relationships, and adapted John Bowlby’s influential work on childhood attachment to study adult attachment in romantic relationships. Anthropologists increasingly began studying love, mating, and family life around the world. Neuroscientists began using brain imaging to study love and the brain. And, the study of human sexuality started to go well beyond Alfred Kinsey’s landmark studies in the 1950’s.

The problem is that scientists in these disciplines in the past pretty much worked in independent silos, publishing in their specialist journals and talking to one another at their own conferences. Fortunately this is now changing, with interdisciplinary work across scientific fields becoming more common. Our recent textbook (The Science of Intimate Relationships (link is external)) exemplifies this trend, by integrating research and theories across scientific domains. One bottom line emerging from this book is that adopting an interdisciplinary approach to understanding how intimate relationships work provides a wonderfully unique window into our understanding of human nature.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Similar Are Your Dating Habits to Korean Daters?

January 20, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Are your dating habits similar to Korean daters?

Every culture has its unique dating customs, and Korea is definitely no exception. In Korea, dating is all about showing your affection for each other – couple menus, shirts, and sneakers are everywhere, and every month has at least one special, albeit incredibly commercial, day for couples to celebrate. There’s just so much to do and experience if you’re a couple, or at least going on dates, and that’s why everyone is always looking for someone! Naturally, each and every relationship is special and unique, and there’s no guidebook to mastering the “Korean dating style.” But, if you ever find yourself getting ready for a date in Korea, nervous and clueless about what to expect, our list should give you an idea of how dating here works.

1. It’s common for your friend to set you up with someone

When in need of a date, look no further than your Korean friends. It is all about connections, and people commonly set their single friends up with each other. You’re technically going on a blind date, but at least you know (s)he’s not a creep (always a plus) and you should have something in common. In Korea, people rarely meet anyone outside their personal school or work circle unless they’re introduced by a mutual friend. Approaching people on the streets is not as common as in the West, for example, but young adults are generally more open to strangers than their parents’ generation, especially if they have had a drink or two.

2. There are two options: one for everyone, one for couples

Couple rings, shirts, sneakers, pillows, caps, underwear… You name it, Korea probably has it, and people make them look stylish, not tacky. Couples pretty much live in a fascinating parallel world of coupleness, and everyone wants to experience what it’s like to be in it. Most restaurants and cafés have menus designed specifically for couples, major attractions have romantic date packages for two, and movie theaters even offer private couches for an intimate date. For those that are not used to such couple-centric culture, this might all sound puke-inducingly sweet, but once you try everything out yourself, you realize that the couple activities are actually fun and meaningful.

3. Be prepared, and willing, to pay

It can be pretty awkward to decide who’s going to get the bill, especially if it’s your first date. While the status quo used to be that men pay for the first couple of dates (or even all of them), that is quickly changing, and women are no longer afraid to swipe their cards at the cashier. Korean couples rarely split the bill, and it’s usually the guy who gets the movie tickets, and the girl who pays for dinner afterwards. In the end, you end up paying around 50-50 or 60-40, which is what most people feel comfortable with. Some couples use money from their joint bank account for dating costs (like Hong Jong Hyun and Yura on “We Got Married”), which just makes everything a tad bit more fair and convenient.

4. Keep your phone with you at all times

Forget everything you ever learned about the ‘three day rule.’ Koreans love their smartphones with instant messaging apps and adorable emoticons, and couples will spend hours glued to their phones, chatting with their other half. Don’t be surprised if you get a text from your crush every two hours, asking what you’re doing, eating, or thinking. And remember to text back instantly, or (s)he might understand your silence as a rejection. If you like someone, don’t be afraid to send a message even if you have nothing special to say – it’s just to show that you care.

5. Anniversaries and holidays are a really big deal

Another distinctive characteristic of dating in Korea is the celebration of anniversaries, which take place every hundred days, and not just on an yearly basis. You might have seen K-pop groups and “We Got Married” couples bring out decorative cakes and gifts whenever it’s their 100th, 200th, or 1000th day together, and this is an accurate depiction of what happens in real life as well. Additionally, couples have a unique romantic holiday to celebrate on the 14th of every month. You have the traditional Valentine’s Day and White Day, but also ones like Rose Day, Wine Day, and Kiss Day. Commercial? Undoubtedly, but if you love planning romantic dinners and wrapping gifts in the cutest way possible, then you’re going to enjoy dating in Korea.

6. Hold back on the PDA

Overall, Koreans are not afraid to get touchy with close friends or family, but when it comes to public intimacy between couples, you might want to hide from judging grandmas. It’s totally acceptable to hold hands, hug, and give a gentle kiss on the lips, but try to have your passionate makeout sessions in private. While contemporary Koreans are not exactly conservative, there are still unwritten rules regarding acceptable public display of affection, and anything beyond cute pecks tends to cross the invisible line, especially in bright daylight.

7. There can be a difference between someone you date and someone you marry

It’s not uncommon for Koreans to have two “ideal types”: one you’d like to date, and one you’d like to marry. You might date a pretty girl with a wonderful personality, but if she can’t cook for her life or comes from a financially unstable family, marriage might be ruled out. Similarly, many Koreans are open to dating foreigners, but tend to be much more hesitant about interracial marriage. Naturally, there are numerous couples who unexpectedly fall in love and end up tying the knot, so don’t automatically rule out marriage with your Korean partner. Just remember that traditionally, Koreans see marriage as a union between families – not just two individuals – which means that marriage will eventually require the approval of the Korean family, and not everyone considers this when they jump into a relationship.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Managing Your Money Together as a Millennial Couple

January 21, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Love is grand. Love and money — eh, that’s a little less grand. Hell, most of the time it’s super complicated.

Talking about your finances with your partner — whether you’re quibbling over who paid for dinner last or deciding to make a big purchase — can be super stressful. And things get even more complicated when you start living together. When, how, and why you choose to combine your money is a tough decision, and every couple handles it differently.

While your friends and family will offer you plenty of dating advice, we tend to be less forthcoming with information about money management. And it’s not so simple as just copying our parents. We’re coming of age in a very different time: We’re the first group in the modern era to have higher levels of student loan debt, poverty and unemployment, and lower levels of wealth and personal income than our parents and grandparents had at the same stage of their lives. But it’s not all bad news. With more women working than ever before, 80% of millennials report being part of a dual-income couple. And we’ve found new ways to cobble together a living wage, with 38% of people under 35 relying on freelance work to contribute to their income.

So if you’re not using your parents model for managing money, and you probably shouldn’t demand to see your friends’ bank statements or 401(k) contributions, where do you go for real info? Well, we did the legwork for you, rounding up four young couples* — all somewhere between marriage and kids — who were willing to share the details of how they make their money work, individually, and as a unit. To help make the conversation as educational as possible, we asked Priya Malani, a financial planner and founder of Stash Wealth, to provide advice for each pair that’s also widely applicable.

Peter & Kelly

Peter, 30, works as an editor for a major sports website, and he does some freelance sports writing for other high profile sites. Kelly, 29, is a full-time bath designer, who also does some kitchen and bedroom design on the side. She has aspirations of starting her own company one day. Kelly and Peter recently married and own a condo in Jersey City, NJ. Together, they make about $80,000 annually.

The couple moved in together after a year of dating, immediately opened a joint checking account, and got a shared credit card. From the beginning, they have contributed the majority of their paychecks to the joint account — putting about 60% of their individual incomes into the joint account and keeping 40% separate.

Peter is the nervous one about their finances, admitting money was tight when they first started dating. “I was probably over-anxious, he says. “But we didn’t spend outside our means in the early days, and we both made a conscious effort to not fight over finances.”

Living within their means worked well for them, and they’ve managed to put down financial roots, even in New York’s insane real estate market. In February 2014, Peter and Kelly bought a condo in Jersey City. It’s a long-term investment they hope to rent one day, to help offset the cost of a home large enough to accommodate a growing family.

Peter and Kelly don’t have too many immediate money concerns. “The only thing that would worry me is if one of us died, because we don’t have life insurance,” Kelly says. “Otherwise, we have health insurance, we have savings, and we’re okay.”

As their careers have evolved, so have their money management skills. Although a majority of their income still goes to the shared account, they’ve also opened individual credit cards. This allows Kelly to cover business expenses like design materials, without bogging down their joint credit limit. They’ve also been able to grow their side gigs: Peter’s freelance writing and Kelly’s interior design work. In the future, they’d like to be able to focus even more on these professional pursuits, but both are concerned about financial security.

“At the end of the day, we want to do what is best for ourselves — as that will lead us to what is best for our family,” Peter says. “Kelly has thought about trying to build her own business, but the stress of an uncertain financial future, particularly when we are preparing for a bigger space and kids, is enough to keep us doing what we are doing.”

Financial Feedback:

Priya Malani was super impressed that Peter and Kelly are able to live within their means in such an expensive city. But, she urged them to open a Roth IRA as soon as possible.

“Saving for retirement when you’re young is much easier than when you’re older — each dollar counts a lot more,” she says.

Regarding Kelly’s concern about not having life insurance, Malani recommends looking into a term policy versus a whole life policy.

“As long as you keep up with your savings goals, you will do much better in the long run not to invest in a whole life policy,” Malani says.

For more information of the difference between term and whole life insurance, check out this story on Stash Wealth.

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Have Scientists Found a Formula for LOVE?

January 22, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Love in the Age of Big Data

Scientists believe they’ve discovered a simple formula for happy relationships. Reader, I tried it.

The Science Of Love In The 21st Century

Once upon a time, in the Pony Expresso cafe in Seattle, a man and a woman began to experience the long-mysterious but increasingly scientifically investigated thing we call love. The first stage is called “limerence.” This is the spine-tingling, heart-twisting, can’t-stop-staring feeling, when it seems as though the world stops whirling and time itself bows down and pauses before the force of your longing. The man, a then-44-year-old University of Washington research psychologist named John Gottman, was drawn to the woman’s wild mane of black curly hair and her creativity: She was an amateur musician and painter as well as a psychologist like himself. The woman, a then-35-year-old named Julie Schwartz, who’d placed a personal ad in the Seattle Weekly that John had answered, was turned on by John’s humble little car—voted the ugliest vehicle in the University of Washington faculty parking lot—and his expansive curiosity. He read physics and math and history and kept a little spiral-bound notebook in his pocket that he used to jot down things his companions said that captivated him.

They talked avidly; it felt as if they’d known each other forever. Over the following months they drew closer and closer, proceeding through subsequent stages of building a fulfilling love relationship. John learned about the unhappy home life growing up in Michigan that had driven Julie to spend so much time in the forest by herself, and Julie learned about John’s desire to understand deeply earth’s biggest mysteries, like the nature of time. Although they were afraid—they’d both been divorced before—they confided their admiration for each other, John’s for the courage Julie showed in her therapy practice by helping the “sickest of the sickest,” schizophrenics and Vietnam veterans on Skid Row, and Julie’s for John’s absurdist sense of humor. They kayaked together. They joined a synagogue. They married and had a daughter, fulfilling one of John’s longtime dreams, and bought a house on a forested island three hours north of Seattle, fulfilling a dream of Julie’s. They fought. They attended couples therapy. Through their conflict they came to love each other more.

Twenty-nine years after that first date, John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman stood on a black stage in a ballroom of the Seattle Sheraton in front of about 250 other couples, young and old, straight and gay. The intense intimacy of their relationship was on full display: They finished each other’s sentences, bantered with each other and talked candidly about how their struggles had made them stronger. Julie wept. John held Julie, caressing her hair. The rest of us, seated in chairs that had been hooked together in sets of twos, watched them with yearning.

We’d come to see the Gottmans because the pair has spent the last 20 years refining a science-based method to build a beautiful love partnership yourself. They reveal it over a two-day, $750-per-pair workshop called “The Art and Science of Love.” “It turns out Tolstoy was wrong,” John told the crowd in an opening lecture. “All happy relationships are similar and all unhappy relationships are also similar. … Is there a secret? It turns out, empirically, yes, there is a secret.”

Over decades, John has observed more than 3,000 couples longitudinally, discovering patterns of argument and subtle behaviors that can predict whether a couple would be happily partnered years later or unhappy or divorced. He has won awards from the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Council of Family Relations and has become the subject of increasing public fascination. He went on Oprah and the “Today” show. A book he co-authored that summarizes his findings, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is a New York Times best-seller.

His work took off because the consistency of his predictions is astonishing. One 1992 experiment found that certain indicators in how couples talked about their relationship could forecast–with 94 percent accuracy–which pairs would stay together. This was magic–a virtually foolproof way of distinguishing toxic partnerships from healthy ones even before the couples knew themselves–but it was also science, so it appealed to our contemporary desire to use empirical data to better our lives. Walk by any newsstand, or trawl the Internet for three minutes, and you’ll find data-driven methods to improve everything we do. “Is This the Ultimate Healthy Meal?” “The Best Workout Ever, According to Science.”

You might expect love to be the last frontier breached by data. It is the Antarctic of the human experience, richly feeding the oceans of our emotions, yet somehow remaining elusive and unknown. Philosophers have argued over it for millennia without arriving at a satisfactory definition. Poets like Erich Fried capture its strange mix of pleasure and pain, the sense of its essential ungovernability: “It is foolish, says caution / It is impossible, says experience / It is what it is, says love.”

I first encountered Gottman’s research last year in an Atlantic article called “Masters of Love.” It went viral; my own friends posted it on Facebook saying, “This is what it comes down to.” Finally, love had been harnessed in the laboratory, seen, understood and broken into building blocks we could all apply to our lives.

The article proposes a recipe for becoming a love “master” instead of a love “disaster” by responding the right way to what Gottman calls your partner’s “bids for connection.” A “bid” is when your lover points out your kitchen window and marvels, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” You could go “Wow!” and get binoculars (an active “turn-towards”); mumble “Huh,” and keep reading your newspaper (a passive reaction, less good); or say, “I’m sick of your fucking birds. What about the broken garage door?” Gottman found that masters turn towards their partners’ bids 87 percent of the time. Love, he concluded, comes down to “a habit of mind.”

And habits of mind take work to instill. Everyone at the workshop was given a kit in a box with a handle. Inside were decks of cards proposing questions to help us learn about our partners (“how are you feeling now about being a mother?”) or offering ways to connect erotically (“when you return home tonight, greet each other with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds”). A manual provided us with a vocabulary to demystify and contain some of the scary things that go on in love: fights are “regrettable incidents,” the things that make us feel good together are our “rituals of connection,” the dark inner chasms that regrettable incidents seem to reveal are our “enduring vulnerabilities.”

One of the Gottmans’ employees, Kendra Han, estimated that a quarter of the couples in attendance were the kind of ickily self-aware duos who try this kind of thing for “fun and enrichment” while the majority were in some state of “relational distress.” The prevailing mood was a mix of hope and fragility. “This is already not going well,” I overheard one woman say, laughing a little. “My husband’s late.”

As I watched the Gottmans from my own seat two rows from the stage, I felt anxious, too. I had come with my own love problem to solve.

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Maori Ritual for Modern Wedding Reception

January 25, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Would you sign up for this emotional haka?

An emotional haka performed at a wedding reception in Auckland last weekend is taking the internet by storm.

In the video clip the newlyweds, Benjamin and Aaliyah Armstrong, stand and watch their family members and friends with tears in their eyes.

Benjamin shared the clip on his Facebook page on Wednesday morning and it was quickly picked up by various pages and shared around the world.

Ben and Aaliyah Armstrong were married in Auckland over the weekend. Photo: Facebook/Aaliyah Armstrong

Meet a Great Catch… Here Are 10 Places

January 26, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

It seems like meeting people these days has become virtually non-existent. People just don’t seem to want to make connections anymore, particularly those that are single.

Whatever happened to meeting someone out and about at the local neighborhood café, or at a get-together hosted by one of your friends? It seems as if we leave school and forget how to speak to people. We become like kids at a high school dance, with boys on one side of the room and the girls on the other.

One thing I’ve observed is that singles tend to look in the wrong places for a quality mate. If you’re looking for a quality mate, bars, clubs, and happy hours are (probably) not for you. It’s not to say you can’t meet someone there, but your chances are slim to none that he or she will be the one you take home to meet the parents.

The truth is that many people who go to these places, particularly men, aren’t really looking for long term mates; rather, to “hang out,” and if they’re lucky, have a one night stand with an unsuspecting woman.

While we’re on the subject of questionable places to meet men, let’s talk about the most obvious, including online dating, churches and the gym. These places are a hit or miss when it comes to finding someone. Of course, by now everyone knows someone who met on match.com or eHarmony.com, yet they also know plenty of others who haven’t met anyone significant online and have yet to find that person.

Churches and gyms are decent places to meet someone, but you need to develop consistency because the singles that frequent these places tend to spot the ones that drop in on special occasions, like Christmas or New Year’s, and then you never see them again.

So, you may wonder, “if I can’t meet him or her in a bar, and my chances are slim with dating online, then which places do you suggest would increase my chances of meeting the right person”? Great question.

There are actually plenty of great places to meet people. I’ve listed a few below, but please keep in mind this list is not an all-inclusive list. Based on some of the ideas on this list, you may come up with some of your own to add as well. This list is just to get you started thinking in the right direction.

Top 5 Quality Places to Meet Men

1. Volunteer Activities

An example is an Usher or a greeter. This is a great way to meet men because they’re at your mercy to help them. No matter how you look (although you should still look polished and professional), they need your help. If you maintain a warm and friendly presence while answering their questions or giving them instructions, they will remember that and hopefully chat with you later after your shift is over. You may not have been someone they would normally speak to, but because you’ve helped them get where they’re going, you have earned a star in their eyes.

2. Sports/Fitness Events

Okay, this is obvious, but it bears repeating. There is no better way to meet men than through sports and fitness events. Men love games and anything that has competition in it is a winner in their eyes. It’s not just athletes who can involved in these type of events, just someone who loves to watch a game periodically and/or stay healthy and fit.

3. Business Networking/Entrepreneurial Events

Whenever there is financial opportunities, men will be there. Any type of networking event can lead to future business deals and eventually money, which attracts men to these types of events in the first place. This can also be business/entrepreneurial classes or seminars where there is a potential to make money.

4. Political Events

Men love power, plain and simple. Wherever there is a chance to gain more power and respect, men are sure to follow. There is no better way to earn more power and respect than politics. Whoever controls or influences business, and eventually the money flow, is usually holding power. Politics offer these opportunities, which is why men like it .. like bees to honey.

5. Financial Wealth-Building Events

As I’ve noted before, whenever money is a promise, you will find lots of men. Very rarely do I find lots of women at a financial type seminar, unless of course it’s aimed primarily at women. Usually, these types of seminars attract men from every age and income bracket. Women tend to shy away from these events, but if you do decide to attend them, there is always the potential that the man sitting next to you could be the next Donald Trump (without the hair, of course).

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Dating When You Have Children–10 Do’s and Don’ts

January 28, 2016January 22, 2024 by Lorraine Rockin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Re-entering the dating pool after a relationship break up is not always easy, we are often emotionally bruised and battered, it is hard to trust again when you have lost faith in someone you once loved.

Nonetheless hope does spring eternal, man is a pair-bonding animal …….. yada, yada, yada! ……..

Doing this with a child or two (or more!) in tow is even more fraught, both emotionally and parentally. I’ve been there – twice! Once with a 3 year-old and a six-year-old, and a second time when they were young teenagers.

After discussing the subject with all sorts of single parents, male and female, I have developed a list of do’s and do nots, from their experiences and my own.

1. Take it slowly, you may be delighted that you can feel something again, and excited to step out and have fun. You are most likely out of practice, try going out with a friend and exposing yourself to the new dating scene. In fact take it slowly all around, many counsellors suggest not dating for a full year after your separation/divorce or death of a spouse.

2. Date away from your own house; do not expose the children, no matter what their age, to a parade of one-night stands. (This should be obvious, but I’ve seen it done!) They will be confused, it sets a bad example, and they will lose respect for you in the process.

3. Make sure that the relationship is a “keeper” before even mentioning the new person to the kids. Either date on nights when they are at the other parent’s house, or get a sitter, and say you are meeting a new friend, which is true!

4. If you are fortunate and find a relationship which starts to develop into something serious, talk to the kids about what is happening, they are probably still hurt and confused, and no matter what needs you may have, theirs come first!

5. Introduce the new person as just a friend, keep it light and casual. Before you get too deep into the relationship watch how your date interacts with your kids. Trust your instincts, if something seems “off”, listen to it, and try to find out what is causing you discomfort. My “research subjects” told me that they had ignored this at their peril. Some said that years down the road they discovered that a seeming insignificant behaviour that they had noticed and discounted, became one of the reasons the relationship eventually failed.

6. When you have decided that this is a relationship you want to maintain, introduce the topic to the child(ren), but test the waters as you go, and keep it fairly casual. Perhaps go on a day-time date away from the house, and do something the younger generation would enjoy. If the other person has kids you might want to take both sets of kids to a museum, or amusement park as a first exposure. Tailor the activity to the kids’ ages, see how everyone interacts, and no PDA’s!

7. Never leave your children with a new date until the relationship is firmly established, and you would trust this person with your most precious possessions. Do not expect this new person in your life to be a baby-sitter, no matter how much they seem to get along with your kids. You are their parent and they are you’re This was mentioned many times by the guys especially, but unless it is an emergency don’t fall into the trap. Apart from the obvious danger of leaving your kid(s) with a relative stranger, it is an imposition unless it’s a mature relationship.

8. As in Rule number one, no sleepovers when the kids are around. This can be a problem, especially if your former spouse has already gone that route. It’s tough, but if you break up, even after months of dating you run the risk of inadvertently falling into rule #1 territory. In addition the kids may have developed some attachment to your new friend, and will be hurt if they suddenly disappear

9. Listen to your children, no matter how young they are. I cannot emphasise this too much. All my subject matter experts were clear. Verbal and non-verbal cues are there if you listen to them. I don’t want to scare anyone, but more than one parent has come to regret not listening to their kids, and having something awful happen.

10. Make sure from the beginning that your new other half understands that you are a package deal. If the relationship become serious this may be your baby’s new Step-parent. Make sure they know that you will probably always put your kid’s needs before the adult’s needs. This is tough for any new romance, but particularly if they have never had kids. You know the old adage, Love me – love my dog? Well this goes triple for kids. If you suspect that your new love (or their child) resents your children – RUN! This is almost always a recipe for disaster. It may be painful at the time, but you will be saving everyone a bucketful of pain down the road.

Of course you may have wonderful luck, and find your new “happily ever after”; you become just like the Brady Bunch, and everyone loves each other. Most people are great human beings, but we all come with baggage, and second marriages have a MUCH higher incidence of divorce than first ones. Our children are precious to us, and even though a parent should not become a recluse, and should expect to have a life of their own, if the kids aren’t happy – NO-ONE is happy!

Date with your kids in mind.

What Does Your Credit Score Say About Your LOVE Life?

February 1, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Over at the U.S. central bank, the jury’s still out on whether inflation’s set to trend back toward policymakers’ 2 percent target.

But a new working paper published at the Federal Reserve Board draws some conclusions that might help prevent your heart from deflating.

Let’s just say you’ll never look at “credit unions” the same way again.

Economists Jane Dokko, Geng Li, and Jessica Hayes presented their findings about the role that credit scores have in predicting the stability and potential longevity of a relationship that’s starting to get serious.

The trio scoured quarterly data from the Federal Reserve Bank of New York’s Consumer Credit Panel, based on information provided by Equifax that includes a “risk score” similar to the more commonly known FICO measure of an individual’s probability of failing to meet their credit obligations in the not-too-distant future. Because personal identifiers are stripped from the data by Equifax prior to delivery, the researchers are agnostic as to whether the couples they identify are married or merely cohabiting.

“In light of the growing prominence of credit scores in households’ economic and financial opportunities, we are interested in their role in household formation and dissolution,” they write, noting that their analysis centers on the initial match in credit scores and quality at the time a committed relationship begins.

The start of a committed relationship is marked by the quarter in which two individuals who did not share an address begin to do so, and, for the purposes of this study, requires that they live together for a minimum of one year. Other filters are applied to the data in an attempt to minimize false positives.

Here’s a summary of their findings:

People with higher credit scores are more likely to be in a committed relationship and stay together
People tend to form relationships with others who have a similar credit score as them
The strength of the match, both in the headline credit score and its details, is predictive of whether or not a couple is more likely to break up for observable reasons pertaining to finance and household spending; and
Credit scores are indicative of trustworthiness in general, and couples with a mismatch in credit scores are more likely to see their relationships end for reasons not directly related to their use of credit.
Those are some pretty bold conclusions to draw. But the proof, the economists say, is in the numbers — and, although correlation doesn’t equal causation, in some instances their results also have both practical and intuitive underpinnings.

Controlling for other factors, individuals whose credit scores are one standard deviation above the mean are 14 percent more likely to enter into a committed relationship over the next year than average, according to the economists. In other words, if you’ve had trouble meeting your financial obligations, your wherewithal to stay current with someone else’s life is also probably suspect.

The results indicate that these partnerships are more likely to endure.

“Among the relationships that survive the first two years, a one standard deviation increase in the initial average credit score implies a 37 percent lower chance of separation during the third and the fourth years of the relationship,” wrote the economists.

Major imbalances between people in committed relationships — when one person is considerably more physically appealing than the other or earns significantly more — tend to be a potential source of conflict that bubbles not too far below the surface. And a wide gap in credit scores between people in a committed relationship is just another manifestation of such a powder keg.

“[T]he initial score differentials are strongly predictive of the stability of the relationship,” reads the report. “The odds ratios show that, for example, a one standard deviation increase of initial score differential (66 score points) implies a 24 percent higher likelihood of separation during the second year and during the third or fourth year, and 12 percent higher during the fifth or the sixth year.”

Moreover, the similarities between individuals when it comes to the components that go into generating a credit score (negative events, usage of lines of credit, length of credit history) also have “a statistically and economically significant bearing with the likelihood of separation in the third or fourth year,” the researchers wrote.

Credit scores, the economists reason, have a real impact on how financially intertwined two individuals will become.

Couples that have similar credit histories are more likely to take on joint ownership of a mortgage, the researchers discovered. Taking on this burden together could therefore be perceived as a pair of financial handcuffs, or something that raises the transaction cost in the event of a breakup.

On the other hand, a chasm between credit scores suggests that a couple’s access to financing, or good terms on those funds, could be impeded and blamed upon one individual. That’s a recipe for tension.

The probability of an adverse credit event is also something that increases as the credit score differential between partners widens. According to the report, “a one standard deviation increase of the initial credit score differential is associated with a 19 percent higher chance of filing for bankruptcy during the first two years of the relationship, while the odds are 10 and 15 percent higher for foreclosures and having more of derogatory records, respectively.”

The findings on the strength of partnerships with similar credit scores also speaks to the phenomenon known as assortative matching; the notion that, in relationships, “opposites attract” does not always apply.

This is true in the animal kingdom, often for practical purposes: Individuals within a species and of a similar size find the copulating process easier. For homo sapiens, this can also hold for nonphysical attributes, like religious affiliation, level of education, or, apparently, credit scores.

In a sense, this revelation also serves to amplify the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. The star-crossed lovers came from “two households alike in dignity” — and, presumably, creditworthiness, making their compatibility self-evident. Default, to adapt a line from another of the Bard’s plays, was not in their stars.

But there is also a residual correlation between credit score differentials and conscious uncouplings — that is, the two tend to trend together for factors beyond the aforementioned observable financial channels.

This leads the economists to hypothesize that there is something about credit scores that is indicative of an individual’s “underlying trustworthiness,” and that such a trait is essential for a healthy relationship.

By introducing a pair of equations to this effect, they manage to strip out any remaining vestige of romance from human relationships:

We begin with setting forth the following stylized, conceptual framework

Pr(default) = f(trustworthiness) + η,

and

credit score = g(Pr(default)) + µ

In sum, the equations contend that an individual’s “underlying trustworthiness” — however subjective that term may be — is positively correlated with his or her credit score.

The researchers note that credit reporting agencies and lenders used to collect color on a person’s reliability and moral character, and these survey-based assessments of trustworthiness and credit scores also tend to have a large amount of overlap.

As such, the economists find support for the notion that “credit scores matter for committed relationships because they reveal information about general trustworthiness.”

So the next time your significant other asks, “What’s your number?” you might want to make sure you’re on the same wavelength before answering.

Curated by Timothy
Source: bloomberg.com

Cuban Love …And Where Are the Babies?

February 1, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

…they will be waiting a long time.

HAVANA — A magnetic energy courses between Claudia Rodriguez and Alejandro Padilla, binding the couple in clichés of intimacy: the tendency to finish each other’s sentences; hands that naturally gravitate toward one another; a shared laughter that forms the soundtrack of their romance.

What their love will not bear, for the moment, is a family. Though they plan to marry and have children, they will wait — until they are no longer sharing a small apartment with a half-dozen others, or perhaps until obtaining diapers and formula is no longer a gamble.

In short, they will be waiting a long time.

“You have to take into consideration the world we live in,” said Ms. Rodriguez, 24, who says she has had two abortions to avoid having children too soon. Clutching Mr. Padilla’s hand, she said, “It would be so much harder with a child.”

By almost any metric, Cuba’s demographics are in dire straits. Since the 1970s, the birthrate has been in free fall, tilting population figures into decline, a problem much more common in rich, industrialized nations, not poor ones.

Claudia Rodriguez and Alejandro Padilla are planning to marry, but they are not certain when they will be able to afford to raise a child. Ms. Rodriguez, 24, said she has had two abortions to avoid having children too soon. Credit Daniel Berehulak for The New York Times
Cuba already has the oldest population in all of Latin America. Experts predict that 50 years from now, Cuba’s population will have fallen by a third. More than 40 percent of the country will be older than 60.

The demographic crisis is both an economic and a political one. The aging population will require a vast health care system, the likes of which the state cannot afford. And without a viable work force, the cycle of flight and wariness about Cuba’s future is even harder to break, despite the country’s halting steps to open itself up to the outside world.

“We are all so excited about the trade and travel that we have overlooked the demographics problem,” said Hazel Denton, a former World Bank economist who has studied Cuban demographics. “This is a significant issue.”

Young people are fleeing the island in big numbers, fearful that warming relations with America will signal the end of a policy that allows Cubans who make it to the United States to naturalize. Until recently, a law prohibited Cubans from taking children out of the country, further discouraging many from having children to avoid the painful choice of leaving them behind.

Those who remain in Cuba say they are also reluctant to have children, citing the strain of raising an infant in a country where the average state salary is just $20 a month.

“At the end of the day, we don’t want to make things more difficult for ourselves,” said Laura Rivera Gonzalez, an architecture student, standing with her husband in central Havana. “Just graduating doesn’t mean that things are resolved. That won’t sustain us.”

Ms. Gonzalez embodies a common feature of the Cuban demographic crisis: As the government educated its people after the revolution, achieving one of the highest literacy rates in the world, its citizens became more cautious about bearing children. Scant job opportunities, a shortage of available goods and a dearth of sufficient housing encouraged Cubans to wait to start a family, sometimes indefinitely.

“Education for women is the button you press when you want to change fertility preferences in developing countries,” said Dr. Denton, who now teaches at Georgetown University. “You educate the woman, then she has choices — she stays longer in school, marries at an older age, has the number of children she wants and uses contraception in a more healthy manner.”

There is another factor that alters the equation in Cuba: Abortion is legal, free and commonly practiced. There is no stigma attached to the procedure, helping to make Cuba’s reported abortion rates among the highest in the world. In many respects, abortion is viewed as another manner of birth control.

In Cuba, women are free to choose as they wish, another legacy of the revolution, which prioritized women’s rights. They speak openly about abortions, and lines at clinics often wrap around the building.

By the numbers, the country exhibits a rate of nearly 30 abortions for every 1,000 women of childbearing age, according to 2010 data compiled by the United Nations. Among countries that permit abortion, only Russia had a higher rate. In the United States, 2011 figures show a rate of about 17.

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Who Really Is Teaching You About LOVE Everyday?

February 5, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Self love forms the foundation of your single, most important relationship – that with yourself.

The strength of all your other relationships is exactly equal to the strength of that foundation. To love yourself is not just a self-esteem boosting piece of advice. It is the prerequisite to truly loving others. The Golden Rule tells us to “love your neighbour as you love yourself”. You are likely to have heard it many times, expressed in different ways, thinking it is about loving others. Look a little closer though, and you will find that at its very centre is the command to love yourself.

The Mistaken Identity of Self Love: First, let us dispel some myths about what it means to love yourself. Self love is not about being arrogant or egotistical. It is not about comparing yourself to others to determine if you are good enough. It is not about always putting yourself first at the expense of others. It is not about always getting your way. It is not about always winning. It is not about “only looking after number one”.

Will the Real Self Love Please Stand Up?

To love yourself is to be in awe of the miracle of your existence. It is to accept yourself as you are – the “light” parts and the “dark”, the “good” and the “bad” – while knowing that the real you is above the perceived dualities of the physical realm. It is to be willing to receive as much as you are willing to give and do both equally. It is about knowing your values and your boundaries and honouring them. It is about teaching others how to treat you by showing them how you treat yourself. It is about being kind to yourself. It is about looking after your mind, your body and your spirit; all three. It is about knowing you are worth it, not because of what you have achieved or what you look like or what others think of you, but because love is your birthright no matter what.

What Do You Most Need to Hear? Take a moment to think of those things you most need to hear from others. Whether it be that they love you, admire you, accept you just as you are, appreciate you, forgive you or anything else. Take a piece of paper and write them down. Make sure to exhaust your list. You will find that what you most want to hear from others is what you most need to tell yourself. You should now have a list of positive affirmations tailor made for you. Repeat them every day, morning and night and include them in your creative visualization sessions. You will soon enjoy a sense of self love and inner peace that you never had before.

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Do You Hate Valentine’s? Here’s Why Some Couples Do.

February 8, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Valentine’s Day haters do not just include those who find themselves without a valentine.

There are plenty of reasons couples hate Valentine’s Day too, and they are not necessarily just because the “holiday” can all too often feel hollow, or capitalistic, or otherwise forced. So I asked six relationship experts to reveal why they think some couples hate Valentine’s Day so much. After all, these psychologists, therapists, and other experts know a thing or two about the dynamics of couples. I figured they could shed light on such a widespread feeling of dislike.

Shed they did. And one expert reminded that it’s possible that even the grinches of Valentine’s Day can be won over, if they just change their mindset. “For people that hate V-Day, I would suggest they find amazing ways to show love that buck the commercial aspects,” Rob Alex, who created Sexy Challenges and Mission Date Night with his wife, tells Bustle. The options are endless, but the only rule is that you eschew traditional tropes of the day for things that are more personal and special.

“Make your own card, cook a fabulous meal together and just spend that valuable time with your partner, just being together and talking,” Alex says. “Love is the most valuable thing on the planet, and yet it doesn’t cost a dime.” Truth. Here are 10 reasons some couples hate Valentine’s Day so much, from a psychological standpoint:

1. Disappointment Is Too Easy

If there’s smoke, there’s fire — and if there are expectations, disappointment is bound to be not too far behind. “Couples learn to dislike Valentine’s because of the pressure to be romantic, to do something special, and the disappointment when it doesn’t go right,” Tina B. Tessina, aka Dr. Romance, psychotherapist and author of Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, tells Bustle. “That’s why keeping it simple is a good idea.” If you keep the whole thing low-key, as she suggests, your expectations will stay at a reasonable level, and you won’t set yourself up for disappointment.

2. It’s Commercial

“Many people hate V-Day from the commercial standpoint,” Alex tells Bustle. Basing the day on “how much you spend on your partner” will never make anyone feel fulfilled, he says. “Getting away from the commercial aspect of Valentine’s Day could help these people heal from their hatred of V-Day,” says Alex, aka the Guru of Getting It On.

3. Some People Think It’s A Fake Holiday

Similarly, psychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle that “some people believe that it is a ‘Hallmark holiday’ — something made up to sell cards and candy.” Though the origins of the day are anything but commercial — in fact, the traditions associated with Valentine’s Day started out rather dark — the day has evolved to be just that, but only if you let it be.

4. It Can Feel Obligatory

“Valentine’s Day can feel like obligatory love,” Carlyle Jansen, author of Author, Sex Yourself: Woman’s Guide to Mastering Masturbation and Achieving Powerful Orgasms, tells Bustle. “I have told my partner never to do anything for me on the 14th of February. Any of the other 364 days of the year is wide open for indulgence, and I am happy to receive any other time.” She just doesn’t want her partner to do something special just because “it feels like you are ‘supposed to,'” she says. “Of course, my partner always thinks that this is a trick and will get into trouble if nothing happens.”

5. You’re Forced To Perform

“I believe couples can come to hate V-Day, because of all the commercialization of this holiday with the emphasis on spending too much money,” relationship coach and psychic medium Cindi Sansone-Braff, author of Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships, tells Bustle. “Restaurants can be overcrowded and over-charging, and yet the pressure to do something special can make couples do things they really rather not be doing.” Rather than forcing yourself to shell out for a prix fixe menu you’d rather not eat, feel free to stay home and watch a movie — you can always get dolled up and go out another night.

6. It Can Feel Superficial

“People hate rejection, and if a focus is on a romantic love, which is fleeting, then almost any love that is not superficial could feel to some as if they are experiencing something ‘less than,'” psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva tells Bustle. In other words, the superficial starts to feel real — and real, from-the-heart gestures can feel like they are not enough, even though they are authentic, if they don’t involve red roses or candy. “It is so important to understand that what is celebrated and what is real might be very different,” Paiva says. “We put expectations on ourselves, partners and relationships that are unrealistic.”

7. Too Much Is Crowded Into One Day

“Many believe that there should not be a day to show the other person how you feel about them, but this should be a regular occurrence throughout the year,” says Martinez. By jamming it all into one day, pressure and expectations can be too high — and you can lose out on exchanging little gifts and performing acts of kindness throughout the year.

8. You And Your Partner Can Be On Two Different Pages

“There’s always this unspoken need to meet your mate’s expectation, and frankly, two people who are otherwise very compatible, might just not be on the same page about the whole ‘Hallmark card and everything is coming up roses, candy hearts and chocolate kisses thing,'” says Sansone-Braff. A real, heart-to-heart discussion with your partner is in order. “The solution to this problem is to talk about what this holiday means or doesn’t mean to you, and come to some kind of compromise on how to spend this day together,” says Sansone-Braff. “Whatever you do, don’t start a War of the Roses over Valentine’s Day.”

9. It Can Be Re-Traumatizing

“Some have simply had terrible prior experiences in the past, and this has made them unable to move past it and learn to enjoy it and the company of their partner for a special celebration,” says Martinez. If you’ve had a horrible Valentine’s Day — or multiple awful V-Days past — you can skip the day, or make new memories by doing something completely different.

10. Everything Is Packed

And sometimes you want to share your googly eyes with no one but your partner. On Valentine’s Day, everywhere you go will be extra packed, often requiring reservations months in advance. Even worse: You’ll be surrounded by other couples, and it’s hard to ignore what everyone around you is doing/wearing/saying to each other. If you really, truly hate V-Day, and your partner does too, you can always opt out. But if you just dislike the day because of one or more of these underlying reasons, you can always alter your choices, so you can still celebrate love — without the icky parts.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

5 Special Tips to Create a Meaningful Valentine’s

February 9, 2016January 22, 2024 by Christian Cintronin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

For couples this can be a relationship-defining holiday.

I’ve spent more Valentine’s days painfully single than I’d like to admit. When you’re single, it’s easy to get distracted by all the flowers and candy you’re not getting. The holiday is about celebrating love not candy hearts and having someone to share a meal with. When I have had a Valentine I’ve been sure to make it special because we’re celebrating intimacy and romance. They’re more important than wasting time and money going through the motions. Here are a few ways to make your Valentine’s Day extra special:

Get an Original Gift – Valentine’s Day isn’t exactly Christmas. But for new couples it can be a relationship-defining holiday. For longtime couples, it can be a chance to reaffirm your connection. Why not show your love by showing your partner exactly how much you know about them? Does your partner like art? You can get them art supplies or a book of paintings by their favorite artist. How about sports? Get them a small piece of swag with their favorite sports team. Does your partner collect anything, have a unique hobby, or is a hardcore fan of something? You’ve got your gift idea right there. The old adage is it’s the thought that counts. A little thoughtfulness and effort can go a long way in getting the perfect gift. Intimate doesn’t always mean sexual. I’ve found my best luck getting gifts that truly represent the person they’re for.

Happy With Handmade – Establishing you have the same values is an important part of a long lasting relationship. Does your partner actually like a big spectacle? You could just as easily invest time and effort rather than cold hard cash. A really great mix-tape can show your partner your favorite music and songs you think are romantic. Bare in mind this mixed tape might look more like a CD or a playlist on a mp3 player or iPod. You could give your partner an hour-long massage with oil and candlelight. This has served me in having a really special evening. There’s also something to be said for making them a unique piece of jewelry, painting, or even a love poem. Just make sure you’re doing it inspired by your love and not by the prospect of saving a few bucks. I like to make handmade cards and share how I’m feeling. It’s a way more valuable keepsake than a store bought card.

Sexy Gifts – Tis the season for some sex toys. There are rarely gift-giving occasions where toys or lingerie are appropriate. But Valentine’s is that day. You may not be married but you can still invest in marital aids. Sex is a very important part of any relationship. But, these should be gifts that your partner wants not something that you’ve been dying to try. Either way, Valentine’s is a great time to invest in that special toy or outfit you’ve had your eyes on. We all strive for sex to happen on Valentine’s Day. A little spice can go a long way.

Plan an Outing – It’s easy to get sucked into the con of spending twice as much on a prix fix menu to eat at a restaurant you wouldn’t choose otherwise. Why not try a trip to a museum, a well-planned hike turned picnic, or even a weekend away. Hotel prices may be at their peak but a well-timed surprise weekend can be transformative both for your relationship and day-to-day life. My friend won major points a couple of Valentine’s ago by surprising his lady with a trip to San Francisco. It was a pretty major coup for him in their relationship.

Collaborate – A surprise can be a really great part of any gift. But this holiday is about celebrating your relationship. Why not show your couple pride by collaborating? Talk to your partner and get a feel for what they want. Talk about ideas and plan your special day together. After all there are two parts to any couple and both should get to enjoy the day. It may be the luxury of being queer but I find that it’s best when my guy and I discuss our plans for the holiday. It’s not fair to put all your expectations on the holiday on one person, regardless of their gender. A relationship is rarely one-sided so why should a holiday about relationships be?

Valentine’s Day is a simple holiday but when you’re in a relationship it does take on a whole new meaning. I know I’ve spent many of them alone so I know my partner may need a little extra special attention. But there are also some people who are super low maintenance and may not want to make a big fuss. The trick to making the most of the holiday is to show your partner you really care. Buck the system of expectations and an overreliance on pink hearts and remind yourself to celebrate your partner. The most important tip to surviving Valentine’s Day is to show you know your partner and honor their feelings. Have a very Happy Valentine’s Day!

A Valentine’s Day Rebirth

February 10, 2016January 22, 2024 by Laura Manninoin LOVE

It turned out Valentine’s Day ended up being pretty special and terrifying.

I like Valentine’s Day. There. I said it. It doesn’t bother me. I get why it bugs other people. It’s a marketing scheme invented by Hallmark that either puts pressure on people to buy overpriced cards, dinner, jewelry, and stuffed animals, (for those who buy other adults stuffed animals), or it makes you feel bad that you don’t have anyone to buy you all that stuff. Like One Direction and Anne Hathaway, I don’t mind that Valentine’s Day exists and it has its place in the marketplace. I know that’s a very easy position to take when you have someone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with, but even if I didn’t, I would like to think I’d use it as a great excuse to eat too much chocolate, get drunk with my friends and hate-watch that Anne Hathaway movie. Also, what else are you going to do in February? The holidays are over. That Super Bowl commercial that everyone tweeted about has lost its luster and is now just another commercial in heavy rotation. The weather sucks and it’s only going to get worse in March. What else do you have to look forward to? A President’s Day mattress sale? Just order off the pre-fixe menu and rest assure you’re going to get laid.

My husband, Alex and I have been together for a really long time. When I tell a twenty-something how long we’ve been together, I can see her do math in her head and search for a nice way to tell me that I look great for a corpse. Our first Valentine’s Day was February 2001 during our senior year in college. THE TOWERS WERE STILL UP FOR SEVEN MORE MONTHS! That’s how long we’ve been together.

So for fourteen straight Valentine’s Days during this century, Alex and I would mark the occasion somehow with some combination of dinner, gifts, something that involved planning, primping and thinking of each other. And then we had a baby last year. Cue screeching car brake sound effect. We spent last Valentine’s Day the same way we spent everyday those previous two weeks: sitting in a hospital NICU tending to our baby son, Harrison, who decided to join us six weeks earlier than expected.

For the first time in our relationship, we forgot about Valentine’s Day. It’s a thing other people living in the outside world get to do. Valentine’s Day no longer applied to us. We were completely unaware of anything that wasn’t about our son’s current bilirubin levels and weight. We would have no idea that ISIS invaded Los Angeles as long as the route between our house and the hospital remained terror-free. It turned out Valentine’s Day ended up being pretty special and terrifying. We found out that day would be our son’s last in the NICU and that night would be our first with him in a room at the hospital. It hit us that we will now be for reals parents, totally on our own without a team of nurses and doctors, no backsies. “Okay. So what do we do in the meantime? Wanna get food? It’s Valentine’s Day. I guess.”

We found ourselves sitting at the only restaurant that’s walking distance from the hospital, the Pacific Dining Car. The Pacific Dining Car is a historic Los Angeles institution that time forgot. If you’re not familiar with it, you may recognize it from that scene from “Training Day” when Denzel meets up with three corrupt higher-ups smoking cigars and being mean and stern about stuff. Soooo romantic. It’s the old man joint of old man joints: leather banquettes, dark wood, and a menu full of 70’s wedding banquet fare including surf and turf, prime rib, shrimp cocktail, a lot of versions of the baked potato, and something called a “Baseball Steak.” There was no rose on the table, no special Valentine’s menu; actually there was no reference that it was Valentine’s Day. The other patrons didn’t seem romantically involved or to even like each other. Everyone there seemed to be negotiating a hit for hire. It was the restaurant manifestation of our mindset: Valentine’s Day is a thing that happens to other people somewhere else. We’re dealing with more important things.

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Loving Better Through Physical Touch

February 10, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

How do we keep love alive after the “in-love” emotions have evaporated?

Keeping emotional love alive in a marriage makes life much more enjoyable. How do we keep love alive after the “in-love” emotions have evaporated? I believe it is by learning to speak each other’s “love language.” This week we will focus on physical touch.

For some husbands, when they hear the words physical touch, they immediately think of sex. But sexual intercourse is only one of the dialects of this love language. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, back rubs, or an arm around the shoulder are all ways of expressing love by physical touch.

Physical touch can make or break a marital relationship. Do you know how to speak this love language? To the spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than your tender touches. You may give them words of affirmation or gifts, but nothing communicates love like physical touch.

Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return. Remember, you are learning to speak a new language.

When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.

Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? During these times, we need to feel loved more than anything. All marriages will experience crises. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your wife in a time of crisis is to love her. If her primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care. In a time of crisis, a hug is worth more than a thousand words. Physical touch is a powerful love language.

Have you ever had a time when you were in need of a hug? What do you do to let others know that you need a gesture of physical touch? What do you do if your spouse’s love language is physical touch, but you’re not “touchy-feely”?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article