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5 Honeymoon Tips for Twenty-Somethings

by RJ Newellin LOVE

A lot of young newlyweds feel too broke, too stressed, or too busy to go all-out on their honeymoon. If that’s you, don’t stress! When you’re young and in your twenties, a boring adventure is out of the question.

You can have an amazing time without breaking the bank. And once you’ve reached your destination, there are plenty of creative ways to make the most of it.

Here are five of the most important things I learned during the honeymoon planning process.

  1. Have an open mind.

I like museums, but my husband likes the beach. We made a list of places that had both. My first choice was France; he wanted Fiji. Both were WAY out of our price range. So when we couldn’t make up our minds, we decided to pick an affordable place that we were least likely to visit any other time.

The last place we ever expected to travel (but still really wanted to go) was Bali. So that’s where we went.

To my surprise, it actually ended up being much cheaper than our other options. And because we knew very little about the culture going into it, Bali was an amazing learning experience for both of us. I can’t imagine what would have happened if we had remained stubborn with our first choices. We might never have seen this faraway place!

If all goes well, you two have the rest of your lives to travel together. Don’t stress about the where so much. Talk about your interests, and make it a fun discussion. Draw destinations out of a hat if you must, but make the decision together.

  1. Less is more.

Our trip was three weeks long. For a couple on a budget, this was quite ambitious. And to spend so long in a place we’d never been, well…that took some daring! If trekking around a foreign land for a month seems like your cup of tea, go for it. But if relaxation is what you’re into, don’t underestimate what you can accomplish in a week or two.

Pros of a longer trip: Total cultural immersion, seeing more sights, and adjusting to a new way of life together.

Cons of a longer trip: It’s more expensive and stressful, especially if you’re staying in a lot of different places.

In the end, we were glad we spent three weeks in Bali. But everyone is different, so make sure you know what you’re in for before booking tickets!

  1. Do your research when buying cheaper airfare.

We bought our tickets on the Kayak app, which made our airfare significantly cheaper than anywhere else. But what we didn’t realize was just how long our layovers were. Often, cheap tickets mean longer layovers and no checked bags. It’s definitely something to talk about before you book.

Because we ignored the fine print, my husband and I spent the first three nights of our honeymoon sleeping in airports. If you don’t want this to be you… do your research!

  1. Define your comfort level in advance.

Do you want a luxurious hotel, or does AirBnB sound more fun? If you’re the adventurous type, I highly recommend AirBnB. But if you’re set on luxury, skip the guesswork and book a hotel in advance.

We stayed in several AirBnBs, which had its ups and downs. While staying in private rentals was cheaper and gave us a better understanding of Bali’s culture, we didn’t have hot water for most of our trip. When we finally splurged on a luxury hotel, I nearly cried with joy. Two weeks into our trip, we were finally enjoying bubble baths and drinking wine together. If I had been up front about my comfort level in advance, we might have avoided cold showers altogether!

Having a budget is one thing, but don’t compromise your comfort level on a honeymoon. Know your non-negotiable desire. If it’s romance, make decisions with that in mind. If both of you crave adventure, then that’s where you should splurge.

For a honeymoon, put your money where your needs are. Save the stress for a different trip.

  1. Remember your first priority: each other.

The most important thing on any honeymoon is your partnership. Your trip will only be as fun as you are. So, relax! There will definitely be obstacles during your trip. Things won’t always go as planned, because that’s life. But don’t let the logistics of your trip get in the way of why you’re there.

Look at your honeymoon as an allegory for your marriage: You can’t control the future, but you can love each other as life unfolds. Solve problems together, be considerate of each other’s needs, and have fun like the best friends that you are.

In the grand scheme of things, your honeymoon won’t matter too much. You can travel the world right after your wedding, or save money to go all-out years later. You can enjoy celebrating each other in a foreign country, or fake a weekend getaway with a tent in your backyard and a bottle of wine. Either way, have a blast!

You’ve made the commitment to be adventure buddies for life. Vacation is what you make it. Marriage is what you make it. So make the most of both.

Drinking (Moderately) Helps Men’s Sexual Performance

by Sarah Ewaldin Sex

To a certain extent, we’ve been conditioned by the media to think that having sex after drinking might not be the best thing for me. And that’s true. But moderately imbibing might actually help a man’s sexual performance.

The Keogh Institute for Medical Research at the University of Western Australia in Nedlands surveyed 1.5K+-1.7K+ men (for some reason, I couldn’t find an exact number) about their sexual performance, specifically with respect to sexual dysfunction. The moderate drinkers reported 25%-30% fewer problems than men who didn’t drink at all. This percentage took into account age, smoking habits, and heart disease, all of which affect penile function.

But there is one issue with this study’s results: nobody asked the subjects’ partners if they were satisfied!

How to Up Your Intimacy Game in Your Relationship

by zfortadminin Sex

I’m not going to lie: I often walk down the street and stare at hot power couples in envy, thinking “Boy, I bet they have so much good sex.”

Sure, that might be a little weird and voyeuristic of me, but who doesn’t wonder about the sex lives of others (even perfect strangers)? It’s natural to be curious, and it makes total sense to want to emulate the habits of couples who have lots of sex.

The sad truth about long-term relationships is that, whether you’ve been dating for five months or five years, you can fall into a sexual rut (sometimes more than once). Issues like mismatched libidos, high stress levels, poor communication — all these things can keep you from having the healthy, awesome sex life you deserve. Only by being proactive and making changes to your routine — both individually and as a couple — can you see results.

I spoke to Lauren Brim, a sexual wellness coach and author of The New Rules of Sex, to find out how you and your partner can have the most satisfying (and frequent) sex. After all, sex is vital to relationships.

“Sex is often seen as something we outgrow or can easily go without, but sexuality and intimacy are an expression of our life force, creativity and love, and must be expressed to be fully realized as a people,” Brim tells Bustle. “If our sexuality isn’t being expressed, it will show up as problems in other areas of our body and life. Plus, sex is just too damn good for you to live your life without it!”

Preach, sister. If you’ve fallen off the sex wagon and are looking to get back on track in the bedroom, here are nine habits for you and your SO to adopt ASAP.

1. They Flirt Often

“The most important thing to keep your sex life healthy in a relationship is to keep the sexual energy simmering in-between the act,” Brim says. “This could be commenting when your partner looks extra hot, gently slapping, squeezing or pinching them when you pass them in the kitchen or raising your eyebrows in an ooh-la-la [way] when you see them undressing to jump in the shower. Noticing your partner’s attractiveness will make them feel desired and keep you both wanting each other in bed.”

2. They Communicate Well

I can’t possibly quantify how many times I’ve said that communication is key for healthy relationships (both in and out of the bedroom). Couples who can talk about their emotional issues as well as their sexual wants and needs are more likely to get it on more often, because they know exactly what to do to please their partner.

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What Matters to these Couples and Why We Should Care

by zfortadminin LOVE

Love is love.

Interracial relationships are beautiful.

This country didn’t always think so, however, since it wasn’t until less than 50 years ago that it became legal for mixed race couples to marry.

On June 12, 1967, the Supreme Court struck down state laws which banned individuals of different races from marrying in the Loving v. Virginia decision. Sunday marks the 48th annual celebration of this progressive milestone, aptly named “Loving Day.”

“I see Richard and Mildred Loving as strong yet soft-spoken heroes for me, my family, and generations to come,” Loving Day founder Ken Tanable wrote of the couple who helped make this decision possible. “They simply loved each other and wanted equality for all. This basic notion of celebrating love continues to be just as important today. I strongly encourage everyone to learn more about them and the gift they left us. Through knowledge, shared stories, and support, we can build a community that believes love is love.”

To celebrate Loving Day, HuffPost Black Voices asked its readers who are in interracial marriages and relationships to share their love with us. We received 30 responses from couples echoing Tanable’s sentiments and telling why their love matters. Their love for each other is absolutely heart warming.

Check out these wonderful couples below and if you’re in an interracial relationship, tell us why your love matters in the comments sections below.

TaRaea and Bryan

“My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and together for almost 9 years. Both of our parents are in interracial marriages that have lasted 30+ years.Our parents embodied the freedom to love someone based on who they are, regardless of their skin color. We are immensely thankful for Mr. & Mrs. Loving for fighting for the basic human right of marring whomever you want.” – TaRaea Todtenhoefer

Keosha and Jonathan

“Our interracial relationship matters because love isn’t simple but family is. We are getting married in August of this year, and it each day I see the strength in our love and our family. I have no need to prove our love to people who assume we are not together because the idea of a black woman and a white man being in love is beyond their reality, and quite frankly, confuses them. I cannot stop people who see me holding his son’s (now my son’s) hand in the street from assuming that I am the nanny. Not seeing our love makes things complicated and fuels an ignorance that has plagued our society for generations. I realized that I cannot fix those thoughts in people. I can just love my family. Yes, I am Black and he is White but more importantly, he is the man that loves me. And just as important, I love him.” – Keosha Bond and Jonathan Shank

Franklyn and Niki

“My relationship with my girlfriend Niki matters to me because I can freely love someone who makes me a better person and keeps me happy. She understands that being with me will be a challenge, especially in a world where some people think interracial couples are to be looked down upon. One of the most important things about my relationship is that she loves me being unapologetically Black. 

The amount of love I feel isn’t quantifiable. I’ve been with Niki for less than a year, and we’re already having our first child, but I feel so connected to her in multiple ways. Knowing that less than fifty years ago, she and I could have never been together is a daunting thought. When loving someone becomes a crime, upheld by white supremacy, I think of how fortunate I am to have someone like her.” – Franklyn Brown

David and Karl

“My relationship with my partner, Karl, matters most of all because we support each other, bring joy to each other, and help challenge each other to become our best selves.

But in doing that, we daily commit “personal as political” acts that we believe have an impact, however subtle, on how others perceive both race and sexual orientation.  As an interracial couple, we demonstrate that individuals of different races have more in common than not. This is particularly important in the gay community where race continues to be a polarizing factor in the pursuit of sexual and romantic interactions.  In the hetero-normative world, our presence has a double impact, helping to break down pre-conceived notions regarding racial divisions as well as challenging others regarding how they view same-sex relationships.A recent event serves as an illustration: we attended Karl’s 25th college reunion at Colgate University in early June.  By publicly identifying and acting as a loving couple in a mostly white and heterosexual environment, our presence required his classmates, other attendees, and their families to acknowledge our legitimacy as a gay couple and as an interracial couple.  As we also attended several events for Alumni of Color, we served a similar purpose in those social situations.” – David Pasteelnick

Jasmine and Roope

“My wonderful partner, Roope, was living 4000 miles away in Finland when we met during his first visit to New York City in 2014. We fell in love deeply and quickly soon after that. Our interracial relationship matters because we can live, laugh, and love out in the open and free of ridicule, which is a privilege that I know many still do not have even in 2016. We have both learned a lot about each other’s cultures and how different life is when you’re both a different race and nationality in America. Our relationship has opened both our minds to each other’s worlds and, I think, we’ve become better people because of it.“ – Jasmine Bayron

Sharon and Vincent

“Love transcends racial and cultural differences.  Although we come from very different backgrounds, the two of us share important values.  The silk screen in the background of our wedding picture says it all, ‘One Race-Human-One Love.’” – Sharon Dole

Chima and Laura

“Since youth, I was told that I was only allowed to marry a girl of my own race. I was warned that straying away from my dark brown skin was unethical, and unacceptable. I was informed that a relationship outside of my melanin could never work. Until I met my Laura. She was the first person to ever disprove the warnings I had been given, and helped me realize that I can truly spend my life with someone despite our differences in pigmentation. My relationship matters, because in Laura, I found a best friend, a lover, and a soon to be wife. None of this would have been possible without Loving v. Virginia.” – Chima Odinkemere

Tre and Jamie

“We are not a couple because of, or in spite of, our race or ethnicity. We are with each other because of the individuals we are and the love we share. Race and culture play a big part in our identity and life, but what makes us appreciate one another is how we as individuals integrate our experiences, think about things, and react to situations. We both believe that our relationship is more interesting than any previous, and part of the reason is our differing races. We have learned a lot about diversity from one another. While we have learned more about the cultures each one of us is from, we have also found that our relationship has made us more understanding of how individuals from all different cultures vary in amazing ways. Noticing differences in race and ethnicity does not make us think that people should be separated by their skin tone, but rather, it makes us realize that we should all come together because we have so much to learn from one another. (And we have so much different, delicious food to share among cultures!) We choose to share what we have learned from our interracial relationship with family, friends, and classmates in the hopes of spreading, understanding and promoting acceptance of diversity. The two of us have been open and honest about race and its impacts on our relationship and society as a whole from the beginning and we will continue to do so, even if the conversations get tough. All in all, we know that we are in an awesome relationship and we wouldn’t trade it for anything.” – Jamie Bergmiller

Susanna and Nikia

“My interracial relationship matters because I want our future children to look at us and experience freedom, on so many levels. When kids can see the future of the world in front of them, a reality that has overcome (but continues to fight) racism, homophobia and sexism, then we start to see real change in our lifetime. I want them to live in and celebrate that freedom.” – Susanna Speed

Darrell and Keia

“My interracial relationship matters because it shows what love really is. Two people being brought together to share their life. Skin tone should not be deal breaker for anyone. Loving a person’s heart, mind, and spirit is what’s important. Looks will fade but knowing you are with someone that is your partner in life (and sometimes crime lol) is what matters when my boobs drop and his six pack fades, we will be sitting on the porch talking crazy to another. #loveislove” – Keia Foster

April and Parker

“This is my boyfriend Parker and I. We met as campus counselors in Oklahoma. We met from his sister introducing us and we hit it off right before sophomore year of college! We found out we both went to the same college and from there it was chemistry! I love him so much and wouldn’t change a thing. We have been together for almost two years. Our interracial relationship matters because we love each other beyond our skin color and our cultures. We have to fight everyday basic prejudice from others, but we know we want to have a life together one day.Our families were initially hesitant but are both behind us. We do plan to marry soon. Our relationship matters for other people like us who want to love in the open without being banned from their families and they just want to love who they want freely. #LovingDay” – April Garrett

Olivia and Matt

“There are so many reasons why he is my person, but one reason he’s special is because he is so incredibly woke. I’ve never met a white man that tries so hard to be in tune with the black American experience. He’s been raising his adopted 17 year old African-American brother for the past 5 years since his mom passed. From watching (and re-watching) “Lemonade” or “Girlhood” to attending panels with Janet Mock and Angelica Ross or discussing the PBS Black Panthers documentary, he’s such a gem! I was so nervous to show him my natural hair, but on this day, he said he wanted to get “crown crunk.” It’s not the most flattering picture of us, but I love it. And him ✨” – Olivia Morris

Adia and Benjamin

“My relationship matters because it’s rooted in our shared faith in God and deep respect for who were are as individuals. Our relationship has helped bridge the gap on a small scale; of cultural divides in our social circles. This is my first inter-racial relationship and his and we’ve learned there are differences, but not as many as we both originally believed. Loving Ben is like home to me, a home that has no color or limitations.” – Adia Hamer

Nora and Todd

“Our interracial relationship matters because we prove to the world everyday that love has and should have no boundaries. We have been together for 25 years and have 3 amazing children. We have experienced our share of racism and bigotry from all sides but we remain and will remain steadfast in our conviction that love sees no color, and despite hardships our love is stronger and our bond is unbreakable.“ – Nora Johnson

Altheria and Francisco

“Francisco is as proud of his Mexicanness as I am of my Blackness! Instead of pretending to be blind to our differences, we acknowledge our cultural backgrounds as they have helped shaped us into the individuals we each love and admire. Our distinct cultural traditions make our lives rich and vibrant! We watch Mexican soccer and we watch U.S. football. We celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King and we celebrate Cesar Chavez. We eat tortillas and we eat cornbread. We listen to Maná and we listen to Beyoncé. We speak English, and we speak Spanish.

As individuals of color, we have a shared consciousness of how colonialism and racism and nativism and capitalism continually work together to oppress our folk. Our relationship matters for many reasons, but perhaps most importantly because we are a symbol of resistance. We resist those who want to define interracial love as deviant. Our union is not miscegenation. There is nothing “mis” or “bad” about it. Instead, it is a striking amalgamation of all the richness that our cultures means to us. Our relationship matters because we choose to live and love in a society that is intent and strategic in positioning Mexicans and Blacks at odds with each other. We resist this positioning. Through our friends and family, we are purposeful in bringing members of both ethnicities together. We were married on March 28 last year in Guadalajara, Mexico. Since our first date in 2012, we have visited more than ten countries together, our mere presence attesting to our right to choose the partner who makes our hearts sing and to the beauty of Blexican love!” – Altheria Caldera

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Relieving a Solo Pleasure Pattern

by zfortadminin Sex

Are struggling with orgasms or are you in a sex rut?

Dear Athena,

I’ve always masturbated in the same position (even as a young girl). I’ve tried getting a vibrator, masturbating in other positions, using running water and soliciting advice from my women friends. Nothing gets me off the way my hands in that one position do. Problem is, I have only come half a dozen times since I’ve been sexually active. I’m afraid that my one-position masturbation has affected my ability to experience pleasure in other positions, with other methods of stimulation, etc. I’ve tried approximating it during sex, but it’s not the same. How would you suggest I get out of this self-created rut?

Signed,

Masturbation Rut

Dear M.R.,

In this advice business, I’ve heard from a great many folks who struggle to find their orgasm. Believe it or not, you’re one of the lucky ones! This conundrum has two sides: On the one hand (pun intended), you’ve learned to manually get down with your bad self, with stellar results. On the other hand, you can’t get psyched about it. Big-time bummer. Let’s get some perspective on this.

First, reaching orgasm is spectacular, but it isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex. Sex is about intimacy and connection, pleasure and discovery — the process more than the product, you see. The more you obsess over achieving an orgasm, the less likely it is to happen. And it’s not as much fun! So stop worrying about how you’re going to get there, and enjoy the journey.

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Lovemaking 4 Moves to a High Quality Experience

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

If these four sex moves are present in your relationship, then you are likely to last long as a couple.

Intimacy is an important part of any relationship. Be it physical or emotional, being intimate with your partner means being open and vulnerable to them

With this, it is understood that how your sex life looks will affect your relationship, either positively or adversely.

If these sex moves are present in your relationship, then you are likely to last long as a couple.

Respect

Respect is a very important component in the bedroom. You should show your partner that you respect their body. You should not do things that will make them feel degraded, used or guilty. You should always realise that this body belongs to an actual human being with feelings, so do not treat each other badly. If your partner says he/she is uninterested in sex, or if they do not want to engage in a particular sex act, you should respect their decisions.

Compliment

Everyone likes to feel good, especially in the bedroom. Your partner is completely naked and at his/her most vulnerable during sex, this is one time they truly need your words of approval. Never assume you have been together too long to give them some compliment on their body and their moves. Tell them how sexy you find them and how much they turn you on. This is the best way to have them bond and open up with you.

Experiment

No matter how long you have been with your partner, if you are still interested in trying something new, then your relationship is stronger than you think. You will only work hard towards coming up with new things with a partner who you still want to impress. This shows your relationship is definitely strong. If you never tire of finding new ways to please and love each other, in the bedroom and out, you are in a pretty good relationship.

Communicate

Does your partner tell you what they like in the bedroom? Do they tell you what turns them on? Do you believe that no sex topic is off limits between you and your partner? If your answer is ‘yes,’ then you are on the right track with your relationship. Every couple knows that having a no-holds-barred sex talk with each other is not usually the most comfortable thing to do, but it is very necessary. You need to talk about each other’s fantasies, pleasure, favourite moves, etc. You ought to keep up with their bedroom needs to keep things hot.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Testosterone and Post Coital Conversation

by zfortadminin Sex

Post-coital conversations are driven by emotions, sure, but also a lot of chemicals.

Doris Day and Zayn aside, pillow talk is hard to come by. If sex can be the shortest route between nervousness and comfort, what follows is often the quietest sort of arrival. For humans, this has always been true. Researchers have proven that post-intimacy intimacy is more of a pop-cultural meme than it is a reality for most people. The desire for post-coital conversation is, after all, biological as well as romantic and emotional. And most people aren’t built for it.

Why Harry and Sally from When Harry Met Sally . . . feel differently about how someone should act after sex essentially comes down to difference in their fictional testosterone levels and the fact that Sally is having better sex. These physiological motives were documented in the March 2016 edition of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships by researchers who found people with high testosterone levels were least likely to want to participate in post-sex communication. This was even more true if they failed to climax.

For the study, the researchers recruited 253 participants ranging in age from 18 to 45 years old from two large university campuses. The group was predominantly straight (five identified as bisexual), slightly over three fourths female, and 97 percent unmarried. Some 70 percent of that last group were in a committed relationship while 30 percent were playing the field.

The researchers told the participants that any “below the belt” activity counted for the study — meaning penile-vaginal intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, or hand stimulation. If participants met that criteria, they were told to go to the laboratory and provide saliva samples which would be frozen, stored for three months, then tested for testosterone. The subjects were also asked to keep track of their sexual activity via an online diary, noting if they had participated in pillow talk. If they did have pillow talk, they were asked to assess the levels of how much they disclosed, how much they said, the importance of what was said, and whether the conversation was positive or negative.

After analysis, the researchers found conclusive evidence of a relationship between testosterone levels, orgasm, and a desire for pillow talk.

Lower testosterone levels are associated with negative benefits of pillow talk.

When it came to testosterone levels, they found that increased levels of the hormone caused people to think that there wasn’t much personal benefit to disclose how they felt post-coitus. These individuals also assessed a high risk to sharing how they felt — while high testosterone levels have previously been associated with risk-taking behavior, that is usually correlated to how someone acts in economic or competitive tasks, not when it comes to personal relationships.

“Self-disclosing private information is a different kind of risk — it is a social risk because it can make people emotionally vulnerable and potentially lead to personal and social rejection,” the researchers wrote. “Even though people with higher T levels may be more likely to take risks in other contexts, in terms of intimate relationships, it could leave them feeling vulnerable and intimately close.”

Conversely, individuals with lower testosterone levels were more likely to want to engage in and enjoy pillow talk. The researchers explain that these individuals enjoyed using this time as a way to express nurturance to their partners and disclose the positive things they felt about them. This was men and women — to refresh, yes women do have testosterone but typically at lower levels than men — and in line with what has previously been studied about testosterone. Lower testosterone levels are typically connected to more social and less dominant behavior.

Testosterone is also thought to suppress the effects of the hormone oxytocin, which facilitates positive feelings and connection between sexual partners. So to the researchers it makes sense that people with higher levels of testosterone disclose less positive feelings to their partners, because they’re not getting the “warm, positive effects” of oxytocin.

The researchers also found a significant connection between testosterone levels and if the participant had an orgasm: People who didn’t orgasm had higher testosterone levels. When biological sex was controlled and the researchers conducted separate analysis for women and men, the researchers consistently found that people who did not orgasm — compared to those who did — had more negative feelings about engaging in pillow talk. People who did orgasm felt they would be happier and their relationships would be better if they disclosed their feelings.

Is it important to have pillow talk instead up firing up Netflix? It is if you’re looking to bond and have a deeper relationship with your partner. It also means that you’re being more intuitive with your relationship. A 2014 study found that women who orgasmed had a heightened perceptual ability that allowed them to see that disclosing their feelings would help achieve a “desired outcome” — building a closer relationship.

“Post sex communication may therefore serve an important role in not only sustaining a satisfying sexual relationship between partners,” writes the researchers of this 2016 study, “but may also contribute to more general feelings of relationship satisfaction and closeness.”

So next time your partner wants to snuggle in and chat, let them. And if they don’t want to, at least you know that you have science to blame.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

You Are the Love Affair

by Kalistain LOVE, Mind, Wellness

A journey through the dimensions of your being, from soul to the Infinite Abyss; then forward as consciousness fully embodied into the Infinite. A direct path to authentic being. One can spend years in meditation or stripping layers of emotional wounds and shadows. These are honorable and meaningful practices, however, there is a more direct path. Entering into the Abyss at the core of being, all that is not truly you is dissolved effortlessly. Layers of inauthenticity, “seeking energy”, reaching, pushing, trying… dissolve. What remains, is simply and profoundly your true essence. It is the deep home coming, connecting you directly with your Source, aligning you with the true heart and depth of your unique being and creations.

YOU are the LOVE AFFAIR of the Infinite Abyss and Everything Arising. You are the miracle in between that love. Simultaneously Nothing and Everything, birthing something exquisitely new in every eternal moment.

Here is Why Some Couples Never Cheat

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Wondering how and why some couples never tend to cheat on each other? Here is the answer.

Perceptual downgrading of attractive persons who can turn out to be potential threats may help in sustaining relationships from temptation and keep couples from cheating on one another, finds a new study.

The findings showed that to keep up a steady relationship, couples are likely to use an unconscious ‘turn-off’ mechanism where either partner perceptually downgrades individuals who can act as possible threats to their relationships, as less attractive than they really are.

Couples who are highly satisfied with their current partners are more likely to use this mechanism.

“Committed individuals see other potential partners as less attractive than other people see them, especially if they see the attractive person as a threat to their relationship and even more so if they’re happy with their partner”, said lead author Shana Cole, Assistant Professor at Rutgers University in the US.

Both men and women indulge in this protective bias called ‘perceptual downgrading’ and which helps couples’ maintain their commitment to their current partners.

“When people encounter an enticing temptation, one way to reduce its motivational pull is to devalue the temptation”, Cole added in the paper published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

“This study suggests that there are processes that may occur outside of conscious awareness to make it easier to stay committed to one’s partner”, she noted.

For the study, the team designed two studies. In the first study, the researchers told participants that they would be working with a very attractive person – who is either romantically unavailable or single.

They were shown the imaginary person’s face with its 10 morphed images and asked to pick the image that matched the original. The results shows that they consistently picked images morphed toward unattractiveness.

In the second study, the participants provided more information about their own romantic situations and the team described the imaginary person as single, and therefore, available.

Participants in relationships who thought the person was interested in dating found that person less attractive than individuals who were single.

People who were in relationships and were happy with their partners, perceived the imaginary person as less attractive than any other participant.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

A Consent Uprising and My Own Sexual Assault

by Carlyn Hudsonin Mind

I think about this word often, because I was raped when I was 15. In fact, that’s how I lost my virginity.

A friend of mine recently posted on his Facebook asking what he should teach his young daughter. Immediately, the word that popped into my head was, “consent.” I think about this word often, because I was raped when I was 15. In fact, that’s how I lost my virginity.

It’s not an accident that I’m writing this on the heels of the Stanford rape case. Like so many others, I’ve been incredibly moved by the sharing of the survivor’s letter, the condemnation of his father’s words “a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action,” and by other friends coming forward, waving their hands, and saying “hey, I’m one of those 1 in 5 women who’ve been sexually assaulted, and I don’t want to be silent anymore.” Neither do I.

Here’s my story.

I grew up in a small town in Texas, where our sex “education” was an abstinence-only course called “Your Gift.” We were taught that our virginities were the ultimate gift to our husbands, and if you’ve already given it away, no problem, just wrap it up again!

Two pregnant classmates sat in my row. That year, Texas had the second highest teen birth rate in the nation, and we had the on-campus daycare center to prove it. Point is, kids were having sex in my town, and a lot of it.

At the beginning of sophomore year, I had just turned 15 and was the lead in the school play, Beauty & the Beast. To be more specific, I was the understudy, but I was promoted when the original Belle got (you guessed it!) pregnant.

Every day after rehearsal I sat behind the theatre and watched the soccer guys leave practice before my parents picked me up. I had a massive crush on one of them, and sometimes he would smile at me and say “Hey Carolyn” and pronounce my name incorrectly. He was supposedly some kind of sock model, too, which is crazy that we even had those in Seguin, TX! But I believed it.

At this point, the only boy I’d kissed was the Beast in rehearsals, who was gay and always smelled like hot cheetos. I had braces, hadn’t started my period yet, and generally had a gangly, colt-like figure that didn’t exactly draw all the boys to the yard.

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Picking Up the Bill on a Date

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

A confession to the men I’ve dated: If I ever insisted on paying my half at the end of a first date when you offered to treat, it may have been because I never wanted to see you again.

My persistence to pay was—at best—code for, “Let’s just be friends.” At worst, “Beat it.”

We all carry assumptions surrounding that first date bill and how it ought to be settled. When those expectations aren’t met, the evening could end awkwardly. She might be offended if he doesn’t let her pay; he might be annoyed if she doesn’t at least offer to chip in.

It’s an early stage financial crossroads that could make or break chances for a second date.

So, when in doubt, how should men and women best handle that first date tab? And was I right to offer to split the bill if I didn’t like the guy?

I tapped relationship experts Marni Battista, founder of DatingWithDignity.com and Bernardo Mendez of Your Great Life TV for some guidelines.

Men: Offer to take the lead.

Battista and Mendez both agree that it’s generally best for men to pay on a first date. Yes, even still in 2014—a time in which, as I myself have written, women often outearn men.

But the fact of the matter is that men typically want to pay: In a poll last year conducted by LearnVest and T.D. Ameritrade, 55% of men said they thought the guy should take the check. As Mendez explains, many men feel fulfilled and accomplished when they see an opportunity to provide, even if it’s in simple ways like paying for a drink.

Perhaps more importantly, paying is a way for him to preen. “Even a guy who doesn’t make much money if he really likes you will try to impress you to the utmost that he can,” says Battista

As for women? “In my experience, 90% will be offended if a guy doesn’t offer to pay,” says Battista.

The data seems to support her claim, at least to some extent. That LearnVest poll found that 63% of women expect the guy to pay. And when researchers at Chapman University recently surveyed more than 17,000 people on the topic of first-date finances, they found that 39% of women who offered to pay said they secretly hoped the men would not let them. Meanwhile, 44% of women said they were annoyed when expected to help pay the bill.

So guys, pick up the check. It’s just a first date dance move that—more often than not—leaves each person happy and satisfied.

The exception: If she asks him out and picks the place, the experts say, she ought be prepared to settle the bill.

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Social Butterfly …What to Expect When Dating One

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

The life of the party. A social butterfly. Always on the go. If these expressions describe your partner, then you are dating an extrovert.

Your extrovert partner brings energy and enthusiasm into your life – and the energy can feel invigorating, but it can also be draining. To keep your footing (and your sanity) in the relationship, it can help to have an understanding of how extroverts operate – and what you can expect when you’re paired with one. Here are a few tips:

1. Be prepared for lots of activity and plenty of company.

Extroverts are typically talkative and thrive on being around lots of people. They are gregarious and can be quite engaging.

2. Be attentive to your reactions to your partner’s social nature.

If you are sensitive to rejection, it’s important to keep in mind that their drive to get out and about with others isnot about getting away from you. Extroverts recharge by being with others. And when others are drawn to them, this doesn’t mean that they are being – or will be – unfaithful. So, if their social nature makes you uncomfortable or anxious, make sure to keep the lines of communication open as a way to ease your concerns.

3. You may need to create the opportunity for a deeper connection.

Extroverts can be so busy that they don’t slow down enough to allow for thoughtful communication or mutually savored moments. You may not feel truly heard or have a sense that they are sharing from deep within. So, to deepen your relationship, you might sometimes want to encourage quieter moments – such as a candle-lit dinner – along with discussions that reveal intimate thoughts and feelings.

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You Are Into Him and He’s Not….How to Say Goodbye

by zfortadminin LOVE

We’ve all heard the saying ‘If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.’

We’ve read this quote in countless magazines or books, or heard it in movies. What we didn’t know then, was how utterly painful it is. Those who have been through it and came out in one piece will tell you they feel they’ve been to a war. Hold on girls, it’s not that morbid, really. I can understand your situation; you love him, he loves you, all is well. Then comes that time when he no longer returns the feelings. That’s got to hurt, but making matters worse is the fact that you can’t seem to stop loving him. Well, here’s some good news, you CAN stop loving him. Just follow our guide, where we’ve laid out the top 12 ways you can get over him-for good especially if you are in a open-relationship.

Fall in love again-with yourself

Remember that person who loved the outdoors, but gave it up for the guy who hated it? Oh, and remember that girl who was the most popular in high school but had to drop out of her social circle to make time for the ‘love’ of her life? Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking about you. When we are with someone, we automatically put our single selves up on a shelf, transforming and molding ourselves into a person who’s easier to date & last but not the least, we try to save the relationship even to impossible extents. Now would be the best time to go back and reach out to all the friends you cut off for your guy. All the stuff that made you happy once when you were single is still out there, waiting for you to come back to it. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, get out there and become the amazing person you used to be. Love yourself first; the rest will fall into place.

Get rid of excess baggage

This one might seem exceptionally hard to do, but once done, you’ll feel like a huge chunk of weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It doesn’t matter how many questions you have asked your boyfriend during the relationship. Delete and get rid of all texts, pictures, emails and anything else that is a constant reminder of him. You’ll question yourself whether you should, but believe me, you’ll thank me later. This doesn’t just apply to your cell phone. Go ahead and delete all your pictures together on Facebook, Instagram or anywhere else you can think of. Believe me, if there’s one thing we girls love doing, its torturing ourselves by going down memory lane, and that is exactly what you’re going to avoid. It was nothing but an abusive emotional relationship.

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The Things You Undervalue About Dating

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Cuddling, sharing, and happiness! These are just some of the things we can enjoy about dating someone.

1. By default, you always have someone to do things with.

2. And you can communicate using special eye-code when other people are around.

3. You get honest (read: invested) fashion advice.

4. And like, you finally have someone to make your choreographed dreams come true.

5. Sofa time is accompanied by hi-tech foot-warming technology.

6. There’s also the sweet, sweet relief of a simple hand-holding sesh.

7. You see a SIGNIFICANT improvement in meals…

And finally someone will appreciate your smooth moves in the kitchen.

8. …and twice the manpower for cleaning up (and other boring chores)!

9. Let’s not forget: Joint. Streaming. Accounts.

Guilty pleasures are best shared!

10. In fact, sharing things in general…

11. …and saving $$$ as a result!

(AKA money left over to do even more things together!)

12. Your knowledge improves from adopting their smarts and interests…

13. …and so does your hygiene.

14. Let’s not forget the comfort of sleeping with your S.O.’s shirt while they’re away.

Bonus points if you have a pet — you get all their attention too!

15. Just having someone special to hug and hold is awesome…

…and best of all, even staycations in your sweatpants can be considered sexy.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article