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8 Organic Couples Habits In and Out of the Bedroom

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex, SEX TIPS

There’s no cookie cutter formula for the perfect relationship. But research does show that a combination of both big and little things—from doing yoga together to sharing meals prepared with organic ingredients—helps maintain happier, more satisfying partnerships.

Here are the mindful habits that connected couples rely on.

Young Ethnic Couple On Kitchen Slicing Vegetables1. They Do Yoga Together
You can probably think of more romantic things than sweating it out in a vinyasa class. But making a date to do yoga or go on a hike through the forest with your partner can bring about worthwhile results in a relationship. The buddy system will not only help inspire you, but it will create a feeling of synchronicity between partners, highlighting a shared passion and common goals. Bonus: Working out together has been proven to help you burn more calories and possibly even spice things up in the bedroom.

2. They’re Open About What Goes On Between The (Bamboo) Sheets
It’s not just about the monkey business that happens in the bedroom. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships concluded that young, monogamous couples—especially the males of these couples—reported both more sexual satisfaction and overall satisfaction with their relationship when they talked openly about bedroom preferences with their partners—right down to what kind of natural linens they like. Getting over fears or anxieties related to sexual disclosure and revealing more may lead couples to a higher level of intimacy.

3. They Stress Less
According to UC Berkeley researchers who tracked conversations between 154 married couples, those who used the words “we,” “our,” and “us” more than “I,” “me,” and “you” reported being more satisfied and showed fewer signs of stress. Strike a healthy balance between individuality and togetherness—whether that be spending an afternoon harvesting backyard tomatoes or engaging with neighbors while volunteering together at the community garden—and you’re one step closer to a strong, lasting bond.

4. They Understand The Value Of Sharing Homemade Meals At The Table
It may sound silly, but get this: A survey of newlyweds conducted by a mattress retailer found that a partner eating in bed tied with snoring as the number one pet peeve distracting couples from bedded bliss. It turns out that conflicting meal etiquette and discord over whether or not to use organic, GMO-free ingredients can lead to a crummy night’s sleep. A UC Berkeley study found that poor sleep can turn lovers into fighters. Even one rough night of sleep can have a negative impact on spouse interactions, causing more discord between couples, poorer conflict resolution, and decreased ability to gauge one another’s emotions the next day.

Mixed Ethnicity Gay Couple Kitchen5. They Give Constructive Feedback About Each Other’s Healthy Habits
Experts have theorized that, in the most contented pairs, the magic ratio may be five positive feelings, efforts, or exchanges for every one negative, such as complaints or criticisms. For example, share what organic habits you like (the new all-natural soap in the bathroom) when telling your partner that leaving the compost bin out with the lid off drives you nuts (it attracts fruit flies!). Think of the former as an antidote to the latter and make efforts to be a good listener, stay calm and non-defensive, and have empathy in times of disagreement. The power of positive thinking (and expressing) is especially potent in partnerships.

6. They Connect Over Nature
Relationship experts at The Gottman Institute (which helps couples achieve lasting, loving relationships through research) studied couples’ reactions to random small talk, like “Wow, look at the sunset.” Researchers categorize this as small but important requests for connection. They found that couples who regularly engaged each other in this kind of nature-loving small talk were the ones who ultimately stayed together.

7. They Share A Netflix Account With Animal Documentaries
You’ve heard that life imitates art, right? A study in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology—in which couples watched one movie each week for a month—documents an interesting finding. It turns out that watching films featuring an intimate relationship as the main plotline (in this case, maybe it’s the monogamous mating habits of penguins) inadvertently sensitized these couples to issues in their own partnerships and triggered the desire to work through their own problems. The films acted as gateways for couples to reflect on their own relationships in a safe, nonthreatening environment.

8. They Emphasize Digital Detox
If your faces are constantly buried in your smartphones, you may be digging your way to a problem. It may seem dramatic, but a trio of researchers at Boston University’s Department of Emerging Media Studies found evidence that frequent use of social media in the presence of your partner—which can feel antisocial—negatively impacts overall relationship happiness and quality. Another analysis even found a correlation between heavy use of Facebook among partners and spikes in divorce rates. Try leaving your digital life to your daily commute and focus on inclusive activities with your spouse—like camping together or taking evening walks around the lake.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Modern Romance With Today’s Technology

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

How is technology shaping romance today?

Love is often called the supreme emotion, with romantic love considered a peak experience. But in today’s world of Internet dating and social media, the path to finding romantic love may be more difficult to navigate than ever, according to Aziz Ansari, author of the new book, Modern Romance.

Ansari, a comic best known for his performance on the TV show Parks and Recreation, may be an odd choice to author a serious book on this subject. But, by teaming up New York University sociologist Eric Klinenberg, he’s written a fascinating, substantial, and humorous book exploring how technology has evolved along with the search for love and how it has shaped our romantic relationships.

Ansari spent over a year interviewing hundreds people from around the world about their dating experiences and love lives. He also combed through research and interviewed experts in the field—like happiness expert Jonathan Haidt, marriage and family historian Stephanie Coontz, and psychologist Barry Schwartz, who studies the science of choice, to name a few. The results of this search convinced Ansari that, while the immediacy of the Internet and the ubiquity of mobile phones have made some aspects of relationship-building easier, they’ve also made other aspects much more complicated.

love button showing concept for online dating

In the past, single people may have met potential dates mostly through family, friends, or colleagues. These days, people can increase their dating choices exponentially via online dating services like OKCupid, Match.com or Tinder, to name a few, all with relative ease. The benefits are pretty obvious: your chance of meeting someone that you click with increases with the more people you meet. But, the downside of this wealth of opportunity is that it makes people tend to rush to judgment based on superficial information and to constantly second-guess themselves about whether, by dating someone, they may be settling too soon, before finding that the elusive Mr. or Ms. Right.

“The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress,” writes Ansari. “Younger generations face immense pressure to find the ‘perfect person’ that simply didn’t exist in the past when ‘good enough’ was good enough.”

Other seeming benefits of technology can also go inadvertently wrong. For example, while many people enter the dating scene insecure about their attractiveness and fearful of making the first move, technology now allows them to test the waters a bit without jumping in—by Googling potential dates, checking out their Match.com profiles, or sending innocuous texts. Yet this may be less than ideal, especially since it’s hard to get a sense of someone via a highly choreographed online presence or to accurately gauge interest through texting alone, where miscommunication is rampant. As the anthropologist Helen Fisher argues: “There’s not a dating service on this planet that can do what the human brain can do in terms of finding the right person.” In other words, meeting face to face is important.

Ansari is all too familiar with the ways texting can be fraught. He humorously recounts his angst around texting potential dates, like having to decide how soon to respond to someone’s text—too soon, you seem overeager; too long, you seem disinterested—or spending hours crafting texts that are devoid of clear intentions. Because this can lead to insecurity and confusion, he suggests that texting should be used minimally, to communicate real interest and to set up a future dates.

“The key is to get off the screen and meet these people. Don’t spend your night in endless exchanges with strangers,” he writes.

Too often people text inappropriate things they might never say in person—e.g, “You’re hot!”—or text when they really should communicate in person, like when they’re ending a relationship. Though some of the stories Ansari shares on this front are entertaining for their absurdity, he is also quick to point out the sadder aspects of this phenomenon.

“For me the takeaway of these stories is that, no matter how many options we seem to have on our screens, we should be careful not to lose track of the human beings behind them,” he writes.

Though dating challenges may not be directly relevant to me as a married person, Ansari’s book also touches on the ways technology has affected ongoing relationships. For example, “sexting”—the sending of intimate photographs to other people’s phones—is an online tool that Ansari claims can have a positive as well negative impact on relationships. Which is funny, because I’ve always associated sexting with the downfall of politician Anthony Weiner or with stories of girls who sent sexts to boyfriends only to be humiliated later on Facebook. But Ansari has found that many people use sexting to add spark to an ongoing relationship, boost their body image, or make a long distance relationship more bearable—in other words, to encourage intimacy. The frequency with which people sext and their varied reasons for doing so just goes to show that, as Ansari writes, “What seems insane to one generation often ends up being the norm of the next.”

It’s also true that technology has put a “new spin” on the challenges of trust and betrayal in relationships. Research shows that most Americans—84 percent, according to the book—feel that adultery is morally wrong; yet a large percentage of Americans—somewhere between 20-40 percent of married men and around 25 percent of married women—have been involved in extra-marital affairs, possibly enabled by technology. Ansari questions the future of monogamy, plus the cost/benefit of having easy access to extra-marital affairs, not to mention your partner’s emails and texts, which could indicate infidelity. His insights into these issues are thought-provoking, if not always comfortable, which makes the book an enlightening read.

And, there’s another reason to pick up this book: I may not be looking for a date, but my teenage sons soon will be. Understanding what their search for love may look like in this new age of technology helps me to have more empathy for them, as well as, potentially, to give them some good advice. As Ansari reports, a full third of all new couples that married between 2005 and 2012 met through an online dating site. That means that it’s likely my sons may do the same—and be subject to the same ups and downs of that process. It behooves me to learn as much as I can about this new world. And it doesn’t hurt that Ansari presents this information with a fair amount of science reporting as well as humor.

Readers benefit from Ansari’s wry observations as well as from the knowledge of psychologists and other experts. We learn from Jonathan Haidt about the most difficult points in a typical relationship cycle; from Sherry Turkle about how technology is killing the art of conversation; and from Paul Eastwick and Lucy Hunt about why it’s so important to have sustained interactions with someone when you are choosing whether or not to date them. It’s probably this last observation that made Ansari realize he sometimes discounted potential dates very early on—sometimes after only one interaction—and that this was probably a mistake.

“There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it,” he writes.

Despite starting the book with confessions of his own personal foibles, Ansari eventually does chronicle the success he’s had in creating a stable, loving relationship in his early 30’s. While he seems happy now, he still extols the virtues of playing the field when you’re young, if only to better appreciate how tiring and lonely the single life can be over time. While perhaps technology has played a role in extending the age at which he found love, it’s clear he realizes that the search for a soul-mate is an important part of the human experience that technology can affect but not dim.

“Culture and technology have always shaken romance,” writes Ansari. But, “History shows that we’ve continually adapted to these changes. No matter the obstacle, we keep finding love and romance.”

And that is no laughing matter.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Have We Forgotten Old-Style Romance?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Have men forgotten how to impress?

My husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary at the weekend. Traditionalists insist the appropriate gift for such a landmark is something made of paper but, veering wildly off-theme, I bought him a smart and frankly not inexpensive pair of trainers. These I presented the day before our anniversary, privately calculating it would give him 24 hours to realise (a) what the date was, and (b) he should bestow on me something of approximately equal value.

So the next day, imagine my surprise (and by surprise I mean bewilderment and distress) when he proffered his own token of affection: a piece of cardboard, shiny black on one side. Formerly part of the very shoebox his new trainers had come in, it now lay on the restaurant table between us like a death notice. On the reverse side was scrawled: “Happy anniversary. I know you like the colour black so thought you’d like this”, followed by another line, one of actual heartfelt sentiment that I won’t reproduce here.

“You really shouldn’t have,” I said, entirely literally, crushing disappointment clouding my face. Not a flicker of remorse crossed his.

But why should it have? According to a survey published this week, modern man has a very different concept of what constitutes romance to the rest of the species.

red rosesOne in four men, it turns out, is labouring under the illusion that simply refraining from using Facebook while watching television together is today’s equivalent of a candlelit dinner or a bunch of red roses. Others apparently see themselves recast as latter-day Don Juans if they go to the trouble of telling their inamorata they love her more than their football team. Which is fine, if the art of damning by faint praise is all you look for in a man.

But according to the same survey, some 55 per cent of women wish their partner was more romantic. So there is something of a mismatch between the sexes when it comes to how we feel romance is best expressed.

No one has made this clearer to me than my own dear spouse. But I have only myself to blame for his devastatingly literal interpretation of the “paper” wedding anniversary. I received plenty of warning this might happen years before we married. When his birthday rolled round for the first time after we got together, I thought I had better set a precedent: a surprise breakfast, tickets to an art exhibition, dinner in a pricey Soho restaurant. Then my birthday came around. He offered up two options for the celebrations: a frozen pizza or some leftover couscous salad that “really needs using up”. I burst into tears – but, amazingly, our relationship survived.

Despite how it sounds, I’m not materialistic. I am, besides, a diehard feminist who would sooner eat leftover couscous all year than take my husband’s name, perish the thought. But I will not watch dumbly as modern man does his darndest to kill off old-fashioned romance. It doesn’t make us feel more emancipated, chaps, it just makes us think you’re not trying hard enough.

It’s not about the amount of money you spend (although anything under pounds 1 doesn’t really scream everlasting love). It’s not about how grand the gesture. It’s more about the thought that goes into it, as the adage goes. It is hard to underestimate the time it takes to tear off a piece of cardboard on your way out of the house and scrawl a message on it; it takes me longer to write the weekly shopping list, and more love goes into that.

Similarly, staying off Facebook while watching television is not an adequate way of showing your feelings – although not checking it on your phone while eating dinner is a good start.

We are now more connected than ever to almost everyone we have ever met. Yet we find ourselves all the more disconnected from those closest to us, for precisely the same reason: the possibility of meaningful “real world” interaction when the family living space is invaded by a proliferation of screens linking us up to countless other people, images and activities is naturally diminished.

So what to do about this? Give in and accept the depressing downgrading of romance? Or, from time to time, maybe just on special occasions, an uninterrupted dinner a deux? A bunch of flowers that says “I still think you’re worth it”? A trip to the shops to choose a personal anniversary card? I can’t imagine too many women turning those down.

Curated by Erbe

Top Reasons Why You Should Be Thankful For Your Significant Other

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

On Thanksgiving, it’s customary to be appreciative of the many things we all have to be thankful for.

But it can be easy to take the person who’s always there for granted, even though he or she actually means everything to you.

I asked friends and family of all ages and genders to tell me why they were so thankful for their significant other.

Here are 20 of their answers, which made me smile, laugh, and occasionally tear up:

“I’m thankful because although I may physically be alone I’m never mentally alone. The dude has got my back. And he always knows which beer at the microbrewery I’ll like.” —Andrea

“I am thankful that instead of emphasizing my faults, my husband uses them as an opportunity to help me be at my best. I missed my alarm this morning and got up a half hour before I was supposed to be at work. Instead of telling me I should have set two alarms, he asked “is there anything I can do to help?” Who has two thumbs and is beyond blessed? This girl.” —Alicia

“Poptart, my feline boyfriend, because he never judges my crazy hair, ugly sweats or when I cry during sappy commercials.” —Erin

“I’m thankful for my wife for standing by me in very difficult times in my life, difficult financial times and stressful times in my life.” —Rick

“Because he is hilarious, silly, and always keeps me laughing. Even when he sometimes threatens to not be funny anymore and talks for 10 minutes in monotone, it is hard not to laugh at such a ridiculous statement and behavior. And I’m thankful he has red hair, because I can find him anywhere—especially in foreign countries (except the U.K.—that’s a little tougher)!” —Erin

“He pays my bills.” —Joel

“He is always there for me and always has been there for his kids, a family man at heart, and he loves to cook!! A great plus for turkey day.” —Debbie

“He tolerates and appreciates my family…which has proven to be very difficult for previous men in my life! He makes the holidays enjoyable for me again!! Love him!!!” —Joanna

“Because we are a true TEAM in every way—we couldn’t have the wonderful life we have if we weren’t. I am also grateful and happily surprised that he can put things together and fix things around the house—a talent I didn’t know I was getting when I said ‘I do.’ You know, before we actually owned anything, we had to put together or fix…” —Addie

“Ben takes his role as the spiritual leader of our household seriously, and he is really good at lightening the mood at home when the kids are starting to drive me crazy.” —Brianna

“Because he truly is my best friend! He is a wonderful husband and father, putting our needs before his own. He can also take care of most everything in our house. So nice to have a competent DIY-er always on call.” —Monica

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Romance… Science Approves

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Weddings… When hopeful couples walk down the aisle, clasp hands and exchange vows to love and cherish till death do they part.

But in today’s world—full of distractions and choices—when whole websites are devoted to finding clandestine sexual partners, how realistic are those dreams of lifelong commitment?

As it turns out, science may be coming to the rescue of romance. A recent paper, co-authored by University of Minnesota psychology professor Jeffry Simpson, along with Garth Fletcher of Victoria University, Lorne Campbell of the University of Western Ontario, and Nickola Overall of the University of Auckland, gets at the very nature of romantic love and contends that romance is not only an ancient and widely cross-cultural phenomenon, but that it—as well as monogamy—played an important part to our evolution as a species.

The paper defines romantic love as, “a commitment device, composed of passion, intimacy, and caregiving,” and goes on to explain that romantic love was a key factor that, in domino-like fashion, resulted in humans’ complex brains, survival strategies, and social behaviors. The chain effect goes something like this: the need for two parents to raise children was facilitated by romantic love, leading our ancestors to have fairly monogamous relationships that resulted in greater paternal investment and higher infancy survival rates. That, in turn, cemented familial bonds and created close, complex, kin-based communities that helped humans survive—and thrive. In short, you could say that if it were not for romance, we might not be “human” at all.Published in February in Perspectives on Psychological Science, the paper, Pair-Bonding, Romantic Love, and Evolution: The Curious Case of Homo sapiens, synthesizes previously published studies to examine romantic love from a multi-disciplinary perspective: from the chemical and biological, to the evolutionary, cultural, and social.

Cynics may balk at such a seemingly sentimental and overarching statement, and indeed, there are crucial questions that are raised—what about polygyny, for example? The paper addresses many of these questions and finds that regardless of the situation, “love and pair-bonding remain powerful forces that must be controlled and managed.” For example, evidence suggests that polygamous families have more conflict and violence than monogamous families, perhaps because their very nature challenges the notion of monogamous, romantic love.

But what about divorce? Infidelity? Here’s where the picture gets a little murkier for those impending brides and grooms.

Stone Age Monogamy?

While the paper makes a strong case for the importance of romantic love, it also explains why today’s long-term commitments may be more difficult to maintain. First, it is important to emphasize that the paper addresses romantic love and pair-bonding, not marriage.

Marriage as a social construct is a very recent phenomenon compared to thousands of years of evolution. Our ancestors had much shorter lifespans and in lived in small familial groups of 50 – 150 people that met other groups only occasionally. “We have a Stone Age brain that’s dealing with a modern environment to which we are not fully adapted,” says Simpson.

“You turn on the television, you open up a magazine, and you see all kinds of attractive people. How many would you have seen if you lived 40,000 years ago? Maybe 10 in your life. So you go from 10 options to theoretically—in terms of the images—to thousands. What does that do to you? What does it do to your relationships?”

Simpson says that there is a good amount of evidence that we as a species evolved to be serially monogamous. “What I mean by that,” he clarifies, “is most of our ancestors probably were fairly monogamous with a single partner until they moved onto the next relationship.”

And just how often were people changing partners? The paper states that passionate romantic love usually lasts for a short period of time when a child could be weaned and become less dependent. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the peak periods for divorce in most cultures and ethnic groups today is four years.

So are those hopeful couples doomed? Is it delusional to walk down that aisle? Are lifelong commitments ill-advised?

Definitely not says Simpson. “You don’t want to suggest that just because something evolved in a certain way it’s good in relation to our current values and practices. We evolved to fear outgroups, and that’s causing all kinds of problems in the world right now.”

Indeed, the paper suggests that, “across cultures, the probability of divorce sharply declines across time as a function of increasing investment in relationships and the weeding out of unsatisfactory marriages. This pattern is precisely what would be expected if pair-bonding in humans was ‘designed’ to produce successful long-term relationships.”

So what would Simpson say to those folks about to take the plunge?

“Love changes as relationships grow and develop. It transforms into different kinds of love as one moves across different life stages. You have to be committed to maintaining that love, even though it doesn’t feel like it did in the early passion stage. The people who are more likely to stay together are the ones who can learn to appreciate the different meanings of love through new, changing life experiences. You oftentimes think of love as an automatic process, but it requires a lot of work, forethought, and commitment to last.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

5 Special Tips to Create a Meaningful Valentine’s

by Christian Cintronin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

For couples this can be a relationship-defining holiday. 

I’ve spent more Valentine’s days painfully single than I’d like to admit. When you’re single, it’s easy to get distracted by all the flowers and candy you’re not getting.  The holiday is about celebrating love not candy hearts and having someone to share a meal with.  When I have had a Valentine I’ve been sure to make it special because we’re celebrating intimacy and romance. They’re more important than wasting time and money going through the motions. Here are a few ways to make your Valentine’s Day extra special:

  • Get an Original Gift – Valentine’s Day isn’t exactly Christmas. But for new couples it can be a relationship-defining holiday. For longtime couples, it can be a chance to reaffirm your connection. Why not show your love by showing your partner exactly how much you know about them? Does your partner like art? You can get them art supplies or a book of paintings by their favorite artist. How about sports? Get them a small piece of swag with their favorite sports team. Does your partner collect anything, have a unique hobby, or is a hardcore fan of something? You’ve got your gift idea right there. The old adage is it’s the thought that counts. A little thoughtfulness and effort can go a long way in getting the perfect gift. Intimate doesn’t always mean sexual. I’ve found my best luck getting gifts that truly represent the person they’re for.
  • Happy With Handmade – Establishing you have the same values is an important part of a long lasting relationship. Does your partner actually like a big spectacle? You could just as easily invest time and effort rather than cold hard cash. A really great mix-tape can show your partner your favorite music and songs you think are romantic. Bare in mind this mixed tape might look more like a CD or a playlist on a mp3 player or iPod. You could give your partner an hour-long massage with oil and candlelight. This has served me in having a really special evening. There’s also something to be said for making them a unique piece of jewelry, painting, or even a love poem. Just make sure you’re doing it inspired by your love and not by the prospect of saving a few bucks. I like to make handmade cards and share how I’m feeling. It’s a way more valuable keepsake than a store bought card.
  • Sexy Gifts – Tis the season for some sex toys. There are rarely gift-giving occasions where toys or lingerie are appropriate. But Valentine’s is that day. You may not be married but you can still invest in marital aids. Sex is a very important part of any relationship. But, these should be gifts that your partner wants not something that you’ve been dying to try. Either way, Valentine’s is a great time to invest in that special toy or outfit you’ve had your eyes on. We all strive for sex to happen on Valentine’s Day. A little spice can go a long way.
  • Plan an Outing – It’s easy to get sucked into the con of spending twice as much on a prix fix menu to eat at a restaurant you wouldn’t choose otherwise. Why not try a trip to a museum, a well-planned hike turned picnic, or even a weekend away. Hotel prices may be at their peak but a well-timed surprise weekend can be transformative both for your relationship and day-to-day life.  My friend won major points a couple of Valentine’s ago by surprising his lady with a trip to San Francisco. It was a pretty major coup for him in their relationship.
  • Collaborate – A surprise can be a really great part of any gift. But this holiday is about celebrating your relationship. Why not show your couple pride by collaborating? Talk to your partner and get a feel for what they want. Talk about ideas and plan your special day together. After all there are two parts to any couple and both should get to enjoy the day. It may be the luxury of being queer but I find that it’s best when my guy and I discuss our plans for the holiday. It’s not fair to put all your expectations on the holiday on one person, regardless of their gender. A relationship is rarely one-sided so why should a holiday about relationships be?

Valentine’s Day is a simple holiday but when you’re in a relationship it does take on a whole new meaning. I know I’ve spent many of them alone so I know my partner may need a little extra special attention. But there are also some people who are super low maintenance and may not want to make a big fuss. The trick to making the most of the holiday is to show your partner you really care. Buck the system of expectations and an overreliance on pink hearts and remind yourself to celebrate your partner. The most important tip to surviving Valentine’s Day is to show you know your partner and honor their feelings. Have a very Happy Valentine’s Day!

San Francisco Rules for Your Romance and Sex Life

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

In the last month we asked couples what are their favorite romantic things to do in San Francisco or just at their own home… We got many creative and unique responses! Therefore, we collected 15 of the best ideas and summarized them for you. Most of the information we provide below is published online, please check the details when you plan the activities.

Cozy, romantic and fun in your own living room

1. Home picnic

Too cold to go out? Surprise your partner with organizing a picnic… in your home (or plan it together with them).

Preparation: Put a log in the fireplace, or heat up the place, set up a blanket on the floor, throw on some pillows. Place some candles all around your picnic area.

Food ideas:  A loaf of crusty bread, crackers, fresh butter, a sharp cheddar cheese and a soft brie, strawberries and a bowl of whipped cream, an antipasto platter with cured meats such as rolled up salami, large pepperonis, prosciutto and  bowl of olives.

Drinks: A bottle of wine or a good cocktail, also make sure you have a bottle of water ready.

Make it sensual:  Cover your partner eyes with a tie and begin feeding him/her the picnic’s foods ever so slowly with your fingers. Ask them to guess what they are eating. When they had enough, it’s your partner’s turn to feed you.

2. Play a childhood game…

Be cozy in your living room couch, order pizza, uncork a bottle of wine, and teach your partner how to play your favorite old-school card game or board game. Breaking out the old board games or dipping into your child’s stash can actually make you two feel closer.

3. Play sexy….

Ready for some sexy, intimate time? If you want to spice things up here are nine different sexy games…So don’t think too much, be playful. Before you start, make sure you light a candle!

Be playful in your environment

4. Play strangers in your own town

Have you noticed that when you live in a certain place you forget to actually enjoy it? Pretend you are tourists in San Francisco, spend an afternoon exploring the city or your own town, having lunch/dinner at a cool bistro you’ve never been to (because it’s full of tourists) take a tour in one of the neighborhoods or have your picture taken together by a town landmark. If you want to make it more interesting – meet at a certain location and pretend that you are two strangers meeting each other for the first time (be curious and ask all the first date questions, and…be creative). It will be like going back to the beginning.

5. Visit Lands End

Lands End is the best hike in San Francisco, with great views of the bay and Marin headlands. It’s hard to believe you are in the City. Right in the beginning of the trail there is a magnificent view of the Golden Gate Bridge. The main trail is about 1.5 miles and it deviates in some parts -some go up to the golf course and some down to the beach area, so give yourself time to explore…

The Labyrinth is located at the bottom of the stairs out of the main path, so look out for that because you do NOT want to walk past it. It also leads to a ledge that looks out over the pacific and has an incredible unobstructed view of the bridge.

Seal Rock Dr & El Camino Del Mar, San Francisco, CA 94101

6. A Romantic outlook: Grand View Park

Grand view park has stunning views stretching from downtown San Francisco and Golden Gate Park to Pt. Reyes and around to Lake Mercer, where you get a majestic view of the north and west side of San Francisco.

Home of the prettiest staircase in SF; the Funston and Moraga mosaic stairs feature bits of glass and ceramic fish, flowers, bats, squirrels, and birds. Each set of stairs leads to another and you can’t help but stop to admire the view in between. At last your trek brings you to the top of the hill, your eyes wide with delight as you take in the view. Once you climb to the top, you will find benches that are perfectly placed. It gets very windy up there, so don’t forget to take a warm jacket and maybe cuddle.

Moraga St & 14th Ave, San Francisco, CA 94122

7. Cruise the love boat – Visit Stow Lake Boathouse

Is there anything better than spending time on a romantic boat ride with your beloved partner? For an hour you can leisurely make the way around Stow Lake, taking in the scenery…the waterfall, Japanese pagoda, cobblestone bridges, and hundreds of sea turtles, ducks and seagulls. It is highly recommended to bring snacks, drinks and chocolate or go to The café at Stow Lake Boathouse. On the boat ride you can enjoy a cool beer, and discover tons of interesting creatures. It’s also beautiful and relaxing to walk on the hill in the middle of the lake.

Hours Daily 10 am – 5 pm, Boats Rentals stop 1 hour before closing. 50 Stow Lake Dr, San Francisco, CA 94118

8. Get a new perspective – Sailing in San Francisco

Sailing at day time or night is an unforgettable romantic experience. There are many companies in San Francisco that offer sailing services, which you can choose from. Tip: sometimes Goldstar offers great deals for sailing.

9. Rolling together – Golden Gate Part Segway Tours

The Segway tour is a great cool way to explore Golden Gate part, discover new areas that you wouldn’t get to by just walking. This is a fun and active thing to do together. If you are more of the cautious type, don’t worry – the Segway maxes out at 10 mph.  The tour itself didn’t feel rushed and you get loads of time to get comfortable on the Segways, check out different parts of the park, and enjoy the atmosphere. At the end of the tour you can have a romantic picnic AND enjoy each other presence…

Tip: you may found some discounts in Groupon. 70 Hagiwara Tea Garden Dr, San Francisco, CA 94118

10. Trust your partner – Indoor rock climbing

When was the last time you trusted your partner with your life? Rock climbing is a great way to practice trust and communication, some of relationship’s most important skills. Asides from that it’s a fun and exciting activity, so sharing that with you partner is bound to make you feel closer. If you are new to rock climbing you can take a class together and then practice on your own. Here are two locations in San Francisco or beyond Mission Cliffs and Planet Granite.

Indulge your senses 

11. Soak up some advanced sex-ed

Unlike in the past, sex toy stores are becoming a more regular part of the neighborhood scene and plenty offer classes for couples. Don’t worry, you won’t get naked and extra points aren’t awarded for participation; instead, there are lectures on everything from oral sex tips to sexy massage techniques. Good Vibration is well known for its workshops and have few locations around the city but you can call any of your local sex store to check if it offers classes.

12. Romantic and creative evenings with Wine and Canvas

Perfect for couple who never painted! This is your chance to let your artistic skills shine. It’s all about fun, wine, and togetherness! This is not about technique, although you will get some ideas if you ask the instructors you will learn some. And the bonus: you will take home something you’ve made! With a bottle of wine, some cheese and crackers you will have the best evening date.

Here are some possible venues: Art social, Wine and Canvas, Paint nite, Beyond canvas.

13. Eat, love, cook – cooking class

Bring your ideal date for an evening of courtship in the kitchen. Working alongside your special someone, you’ll discover together how fun and romantic it is to prepare a… San Francisco offer many cooking classes. Most of them provides all the ingredients and equipment, and after you finish cooking, you invite to eat enjoy your own creation. Here are some places to check out – Sur La Table, First class cooking, The city kitchen.

14. Open your senses – Wine class

Wine, love, wine. Do we need to say more? A wine class is a wonderful way to spend an evening together with your dear one. Learn more in depth about making wine, tasting, smelling and sensing. Comfortable environment for wine lovers at all levels.

Classes are usually limited to a little over a dozen at a large dining table.

15. Sexy, hot, and fun!  Salsa / Tango Lessons

Dancing together is another way for the two of you to connect with each other. As you dance together, your eyes meet, your bodies are close together, you can feel one another breathing. Don’t think twice, be sensual! Feel it, move it, love it… Here are some options: Salsa by the bay, Cafe Cocomo, Dance SF, Salsa by Ricardo.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Do You Love Holding Hands? Here is Why

by zfortadminin Sex

There are scientific and psychological reasons behind the reasons humans hold hands (and why so many artists write songs about it).

I can’t count how many people I’ve held hands with over the years — friends, my mom, a guy I genuinely liked, or some random boy I happened to be standing next to at a party.

I have always maintained holding hands is one of the more casual, yet simultaneously intimate physical acts. The way your fingers intertwine with another person’s is both innocent and special.

It isn’t always romantic, and it certainly doesn’t always mean something. But, it’s both pleasing and human nature to take the hand of someone else.

Maybe the last person you held hands with was your best friend when you reunited after months apart.

You wanted to be as close as possible before your real world jobs and lives in different cities separated you once again. Or maybe it was your mom, right before you boarded a plane to a new country.

Whoever it was, the reason that person held your hand wasn’t unusual or unique.

And although I might be one of the only people who prefers holding someone’s hand to going home with someone for the night, it isn’t just an odd aspect of my personality.

There are scientific and psychological reasons behind the reasons humans hold hands (and why so many artists write songs about it).

It provides comfort.

As humans, we are not only creatures of habit, we’re also creatures of comfort. We gravitate toward situations and people who make us feel as content and secure as possible.

In the scientific study, “Lending A Hand,” neuroscientists from the University of Virginia and the University of Wisconsin studied the effect the simple act of a human touch has on people in stressful situations.

In this case, the participants underwent the threat of electric shock. The researchers came to the conclusion a “loving touch reassures.”

Dr. James Coan, one of the researchers, said,

We found that holding the hand of really anyone, it made your brain work a little less hard in coping.

So whether you’re mourning a loss, had a bad day at work or you’re just feeling a little down, find a hand to hold. Because, in the wise words of the philosopher Akon,

Things will get better if you just hold my hand.

It’s natural.

Sea otters do it. Penguins do it. Even elephants do it, albeit they have to use their trunks.

 

We like to feel connected.

There’s a reason your mom was probably the first person who held your little hand. She’s the one who birthed you, the person who provided you with nourishment, warmth and a safe place to rest your head.

From day one, we are automatically connected with our mothers. Her hands led us safely across the street and grabbed our little palms before they touched the hot stove.

Her soft, now a little wrinkled, hands first taught us the meaning of a physical connection and will always remind us of the importance of a close bond.

On the other hand, holding hands can purvey a non-maternal connection. You could be with your relatively new significant other, standing in a room full of people you don’t know, each engaging in small talk with separate people.

But, the person you’re holding hands with is there. You can physically feel it. There’s no doubt in your mind that person will be there for you and will be there when the small talk dwindles to awkward silence.

Holding hands provides warmth.

Skin to skin contact is the best way to release and absorb heat — whether you forget your gloves on a brisk winter walk through the park or your apartment building decided you didn’t need heat for the month of February.

Pressure relieves pain.

Whose hand did you hold when your 8-year-old self got her ears pierced? Was your dad in the delivery room bravely holding your mom’s hand as she brought you into the world?

Did you hold your middle school boyfriend’s hand while you struggled to make it through the entirety of “The Hills Have Eyes”? (Or were you too busy being a teenager and making out in the back row?)

You automatically reach for your face if you accidentally walk into a door and try to release the stress in your shoulders after a long day hunched over your computer at work.

We’ve been programmed to see pressure as a slight, sometimes temporary, relief from pain.

And, when you think about it, someone holding your hand provides a very light form of pressure. Scientists at Johns Hopkins University found when you place pressure on the “fleshy area between the thumb and forefinger,” headaches, dental pain and anxiety can decrease.

So, when your hand is wrapped in someone else’s, his or her palm provides a similar pressure, potentially providing relief from any minor physical or mental pain you might be feeling.

 

It can serve as a powerful statement.

For instance, if a celebrity is spotted holding hands with someone, society automatically assumes the pair is together.

While simple, holding someone’s hand in public, soberly, makes a declaration. It either says you’re together, you have a close relationship or you support what the other person is doing. And humans like to make statements.

We wear graphic t-shirts, post Facebook statuses and tweet our point-of-views. It makes our existence known, and therefore relevant.

It’s convenient and easy.

When we’re walking next to someone, our hands automatically fall to our sides, parallel with the person matching our stride.

No muscle is strained. And you don’t have to worry if your hand placement is weird or if you’re doing it correctly.

It can be sexy.

If you’ve been MIA for the past three years and haven’t heard about the “Fifty Shades Of Grey” phenomenon, then you should know that, sometimes, people like to feel dominated.

Some people like when others are in charge and making decisions. Although handholding is nowhere close to handcuffing, the person with his or her hand on top, the dominant hand, usually has control.

Whether he or she means to or not, in that moment, his or her body language demonstrates a physical control of you. Which, hey, for some people, that’s kind of hot.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Decoding When He Touches Your Leg

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Biologically, we are hardwired for communication – our fingertips have a huge number of nerve endings and are one of the most sensitive parts of the human body.

Sense of touch also plays a very important part in our romantic and emotional relationships. Men and women exchange body contact all the time, in many situations. But sometimes, it’s hard for women to differentiate between contact that may have a sexual meaning, and that which doesn’t.

So, what does it mean if a guy is touching you? Here are some answers to this question:

Face

We judge beauty by the symmetry and other facial features. Lips and kissing, on the other hand, are two of the most important aspects of our sexuality.

The importance of the face is obvious, and that’s why we rarely let anyone touch it. A stranger on the subway can touch our hand, but we won’t let him touch our face, and everybody instinctively knows this.

If a man touches you on your cheeks or any other part of your face, it’s a sign he desires to be closer to you, even if he is masking it in a neutral gesture like removing an eyelash. If he wasn’t interested in you, he would probably point it out verbally, and not go ahead and touch you.

Hair

The hair carries a big statement about our personality. It is seen by all and at the same time, it’s a way we send a message to the world. If a guy is touching your hair he is responding to your statement, most likely in a positive way. This doesn’t always involve a romantic motive, but it easily can. If he continues touching you, the probable answer is – yes.

Hands

Hands are the part of your body designed for touching. A lot of social gestures like handshakes or high-fives are common place in many cultures. Mostly, these gestures are devoid of any emotion. Yet, the duration of hand-to-hand touch can say a lot about its meaning.

If a guy holds your hand longer every time you great each other, there might be something there. Be aware of this the next time he touches your hand in any way.

Maybe he is trying to tell you something.

Legs

For the majority of men, women’s legs are a big turn-on. A light touch on your thighs, especially if you’re sitting down and facing the man you’re talking to, is always a way to become more intimate. Sometimes men will act as if they touched you accidentally.

This is probably a way of testing your reaction. Usually, if they conclude you’re into them, the next touch will be a longer, but equally light, caress across the length of your leg.

Back

Touching someone’s back carries a message of support and reassurance. It probably originated in ancient history, when people literally needed someone to “have their back”. But this is true for your upper back, and the area just beneath the shoulder bones.

If his touch gets lower, it carries a more intimate meaning. The area of the lower back is really sensitive and the longer a guy leaves his hand on this part of your body, the more you can be sure he is attracted to you.

Shoulders

In our culture, tapping on the shoulders is seen as a universal gesture of compliment. A boss will pat his subordinate on the shoulder after a successful project, and a sports coach will do the same to his players.

If a man touches you like this, he is either doing the same, or maybe using the opportunity to get close to you. This is even more likely if that guy is normally shy and introverted.

Sides and Hips

A woman’s sides, waist and hips have a strong sexual symbolism. In one sense, they represent the woman’s ability to bear children (remember those caveman figurines that represent women with enormous hips). If a guy is touching you in this area and you’re standing face-to-face, this is a clear indication that he wants to pull you closer.

Don’t be surprised if he tries to kiss after this particular touch, especially if it lasts for more than a second.

As you can see, touching can mean a lot of things in a lot of situations. Have faith in your knowledge about different touches as well as your gut feelings about them.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Romantic Characters to Watch Out for In Real Life

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Petticoats and title inheritance might no longer carry relevance in the modern dating scene, but if I won the chance to share a drink and discuss the idiosyncrasies of romance with anyone—dead or alive—I’d choose Jane Austen.

Even though our boy-meets-girl encounters barely resemble those of the regency era, I promise you, Mr. Collins and Mr. Darcy types walk among us still. Ranked from most dangerous to the most heartwarming men deserving of a green light, here are six Austen archetypes you’ll surely come across IRL.

THE WILY WICKHAM — JANE GRADE: RED ALERT!

While maybe not the most conniving of Austen’s antagonists (that award goes to Persuasion’s Mr. Elliot, in my opinion), Pride and Prejudice’s George Wickham is downright dangerous. He’s a mix of good looks, charm, and heartless Machiavellian tendencies—yikes! Aside from being a perpetual weaver of lies, he not once, but twice lured 15-year-old girls into running away with him. Horrible, and now, very much illegal, sir.

What to watch out for: Maybe men today aren’t eloping with minors, but they have no qualms about using others for their own gain—in romantic relationships or even their friendships. Men like Wickham will go to great lengths to get what they want, and unfortunately, he’s not particularly concerned with morality.

Identifying 21st Century Wickhams isn’t easy—which makes them the most dangerous. One early sign? In your modern man, watch out for evasiveness and secrecy when talking about important things. If his stories aren’t adding up, and he gets touchy when you point this out, it might be a sign he isn’t entirely who he says he is.

THE SPINELESS WILLOUGHBY — JANE GRADE: RED ALERT!

When John Willoughby arrives on the scene in Sense and Sensibility, he sweeps Marianne off her feet—literally. Before she knows who he truly is, she has already declared her heart to him. Lo and behold, he recently fathered an illegitimate child and is fully prepared to abandon Marianne in a heartbeat, if it means big money. The promises! Oh, the promises! While Willoughby might be dashing and in love with the idea of love, he’s caught up in a rush of emotion and “plans” for the future without follow through.

What to watch out for: The world is full of men who love the chase and the early sparks of romance (I mean, who doesn’t?). But you’ve heard the phrase “too good to be true,” and Willoughbys are just that. Ultimately they lack commitment and are reckless with heart. In your modern man, watch for a pattern of over-promising and consistently under-delivering. Early signs might be flakiness—and later signs might be the classic Houdini act.

THE FLIRTATIOUS FRANK — JANE GRADE: FLASHING YELLOW

When Frank Churchill walks into Emma’s world in Austen’s Emma, he makes a concerted effort to woo her. And as the novel unfolds, he succeeds—at least a little bit. To the onlooker, it he seems like he’s smitten, considering all the time he seemingly wants to spend with her and all the banter they exchange. Yet, as the plot thickens, it turns out Frank was only flirting with Emma to hide his love for another.

Fortunately for our heroine Emma, her attachment to Frank Churchill doesn’t run deep. Still, the way her friends reacted upon hearing how he toyed with her emotions illustrates how selfish his actions were. He led on a woman for months, fully aware he could be hurting her and others along the way.

What to watch out for: Flirting is fun. But there’s a hard line between flirting and purposely manipulating feelings. People, even those as self-absorbed as Emma was early in the novel, aren’t puppets to be played with. While Frank Churchill has less sinister intentions than Mr. Wickham, flirting with Emma is merely a means to an end, clearly violating the dating commandment: Flirt unto others as you would have them flirt unto you.

While there’s no need to overthink casual flirting, if your real-life Frank is coming on pretty strong yet never wades into conversation of any real depth, it might be a sign he’s just having fun. Go ahead, enjoy the banter, but don’t expect much beyond that.

THE FORGIVABLE FERRARS — JANE GRADE: GREEN, BUT SLOW

Romance doesn’t come easily to everyone, especially if you are Elinor Dashwood and Edward Ferrars from Sense and Sensibility. When Ferrars meets Elinor, their connection is strong. It’s clear they’re into each other, but no advances are made. Edward fades into the background, never to be heard from. Later, it’s revealed that he’s engaged to another. Hmm…odd that it never came up during their multitude of heart-to-hearts.

Admittedly, if your target of affection is as emotionally reserved as Elinor Dashwood you’re not exactly set up for success—especially if you’re on the humbler side of things. But even though Edward Ferrars wins our hearts (and the heart of Elinor) by the end, the fact that he failed in the transparency department on such a huge scale was a big blunder. Really, Edward?

What to watch out for: Today’s man can be found making many lesser and more forgivable blunders than Edward. For instance trying to play it cool without saying how he feels (“wanna hangout” vs. “let’s go out on a date”), mentioning ex-girlfriends on dates, or accidentally drinking too much and saying something weird or awkward. While you should definitely take note of these kinds of actions, keep in mind that he’s human. Don’t be like Elinor though; feel free to call him out if he says or does something that bothers you! If you’re hanging out and it feels like a date, tell him that.

THE DETERMINED DARCY — JANE GRADE: GREEN, BUT SLOW

If you’re unfamiliar with this classic tale, in the beginning of Pride and Prejudice our hunky hero, Fitzwilliam Darcy, readily snubs his eventual object of affection, Elizabeth. Talk about a rocky start. But as their paths continue to cross, he finds himself more and more enchanted with her—and after one botched proposal and several miscommunications, by the end, he goes to great lengths (and expense) to prove to her that he’s for real. It’s his humility and determination that sets him apart as the inimitable Austen man.

What to watch out for: Today we should take note of the determined Darcys out there. Once these men have committed, there’s no ambiguity as to where they stand. This can be pretty refreshing in a dating world full of flaky Frank types. But you must remember: Darcy didn’t become the man we know and love entirely on his own. It wasn’t until Lizzie challenged his prideful arrogance, and made it clear that they were on an even playing field, that he was able to become a better, more humble man.

THE DEPENDABLE KNIGHTLEY — JANE GRADE: GREEN, GREEN, GREEN!

George Knightley and Emma begin as great friends, neighbors, and technically in-laws (her sister is married to his brother). They’re close, but over the course of the story, Emma’s actions frustrate Knightley, and he can be a bit obnoxious in correcting her.

Knightley might not be as dashing as Darcy, but the established friendship that he builds with Emma is really what functional, happy relationships are all about. At the base of any romance, there needs to be a strong foundation of friendship.

What to watch out for: What I particularly love about Emma’s Knightley is that, oddly, his way of dating is surprisingly the most modern. Knightley and Emma actually know each other before he professes his love—which is something we might take for granted in the 21st century. These days, we’re not as bound by social mandates of rank and circumstance in our courting; we’re given time—often even years—to think through if someone is right for us.

Still, it can be hard open our minds and give that guy who’s a friend a real chance. If you find your “friend” wants to be taken out of the friend zone, it is definitely worth giving him a shot. He might just be your white knight.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Romance Has Been at a Standstill in My Life, Not This Summer.

by Clementine Francesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

ACCEPT THE INVITATION

One time I was totally having a wonderful conversation with a guy and near the end of our time at work he asked me what I would be doing at the end of the shift. I took that as an indication that he was no longer interested in having a conversation with me, so I told him I had to go pay rent money to my roommate which was true, but it wasn’t until after, that I realized that he was probably going to invite me to hang with him.  I totally misread the situation. If someone asks you what your plans after the thing you’re doing are, don’t assume that it’s because they are just curious. It is their way of gauging you’re availability so they can ask you to hang out. If only I could go back to this day. I would have answered it like this: “Umm…nothing really. Why?” This could have totally shifted the course of things. I haven’t seen him in several months, or has it been a year, after our gig ended and now I am without this friend, possible potential boyfriend.

I also did this years ago when a guy I was totally into asked me to hang out, and me being the developmentally arrested girl I was, still drinking from her mother’s teat, said “Sorry can’t. Mom won’t let me.” I was like early 20s! And what if he met me in 2017? What if he asked me that question today? I am a totally different person now.

Sometimes, I mourn for the boys I crushed on because they met me at a more sheltered time in my life. Me, today, sheltered, but not in the way I once was, would be up for adventure. I could be in Shanghai right now on a weeklong adventure with him!

It’s so sad when things happen to you before you’re ready for them!

STOP USING YOUR LACK OF FUNDS AS AN EXCUSE NOT TO DO THINGS!

I am queen of “I have no money. I’m too broke. Sorry, can’t socialize.” But, you can’t live your life like this.  I recently spent way too much money on a steak meal because I never do. Because I’ve conditioned myself to believe that money is only to be saved and when used should only be used for practical things and only frugally. But, no if he invites you to his $15 concert go! Just go.  Say no to Starbucks or cigarettes for a week and save that money and go see his band play. We have to show people we are interested. Our fears can’t be the driving force in our lives. By saying I don’t have the money I’m choosing to be scared of living life. No one’s saying you gotta go see every show ever, but at least once or twice. Go to a movie even. Movies are totally overpriced, but if you go to one or two in a month the world will still turn. Maybe I’ll go see that $39 Broadway show with the guy I have the hots for should he ask. Or should I ask!

AGE AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT A NUMBER!

Within reason. Let’s be legal please. But, I have this huge hang up about dating guys younger than me. Like four years younger than me. Five years younger than me. I consider them to be children and the idea of dating them makes me sick, but that’s my own personal hang-up. It’s not like I’m dating an 18 year old. If I’m 30 and he’s 25 or if I’m 27 and he’s 23, it’s not the end of the world if we go out to eat. Sure, younger guys can be immature and lame, but we’re not talking marriage here. Just, “Hey he’s attractive, let’s go to a party!” The president of France’s has step children born in the same decade as him. He’s doing alright.  You’ll be alright too.

This summer I don’t want to be closed off. Romance has been at a standstill in my life since the beginning of time. The last time I attempted to give it a shot, was a summer, and it went horribly wrong and it took me a long time to recover. But, New Year, new me! I don’t want to live in the shadows. You don’t either. Let’s not be complacent in hiding.

I Took a Relationship Hiatus for 18 Months

by Jessica Gablein LOVE

What abstaining from romantic love taught me about myself.

A while ago, I ended an unhealthy relationship and decided to give dating a wide berth for the foreseeable future. That turned out to be 18 months. I made the decision not out of bitterness or because I didn’t want to love again, and not even because my heart had received a sucker punch. It definitely had (multiple times).

But I realized that after my last relationship, I didn’t recognize myself. I felt so far removed from the person I wanted to be. I knew I needed to get to know myself, not a man.

Women spend so much time learning who we’re supposed to be that we forget to pay attention to who we actually are. The fear of being alone drives us towards men with whom we are ultimately (and sometimes glaringly) incompatible.

And one day it occurred to me that I was unfit to be anyone’s partner until I could stand to be myself.

Step 1: Face down my own emotions

I took some time to feel what I hadn’t let myself feel: all of the pain, abandonment, insecurity, etc. that had accumulated throughout my adult life. It socked me in the jaw. But I faced it down and began dealing with it. At first, I was terrified. I felt the suffocating loneliness of dating withdrawals. I panicked when, with no one else around, I stood face to face with my own demons.

But here’s the incredible thing: it didn’t last forever. After a few months, I learned new, healthier ways to deal with loneliness. The negative voices gradually softened. Like exercising a new muscle, my confidence and sense of self-worth strengthened.

Step 2: Date myself

It started with simply learning to be with myself. I took long walks and I thought. I took time to do exactly what I wanted to do. I wrote a novel. I read my favorite authors and watched my favorite films. I realized that while I love company, I don’t necessarily need it to be happy. Everything I need is already contained within me. Self-soothing is a wonderful skill we somehow acquire as babies and promptly forget once we reach adulthood. I’m proud to say I rediscovered it.

Step 3: Rekindle platonic love

Then I focused on my platonic relationships. I received so much more love than I could ever have anticipated. My friend recently told me I’m much easier to be around now than I was a year and a half ago. Taking this time to clear my own head opened up myriad possibilities — I cultivated friendships and relationships with family that I had neglected, began a new career path that I had dreamed of but never had the courage to pursue, and above all, in committing my love to those dear to me, I learned how to love myself.

Step 4: Set new #relationshipgoals

Affirming my choice not to date was liberating. I know now that if and when I do enter into a new relationship, I will do so as a more capable and compassionate partner. I also learned that I’m fine being alone. I faced my demons and came out alive.

There were times when I miss being kissed. I miss holding a man’s hand or the back-and-forth repartee that accompanies a first date. But I also recognize that it’s worth waiting for. I refuse to accept anything less than exactly what I want.

If it’s not out there, so be it. I’ll be ok. I have friends and family who love and support me. I have a new career that constantly challenges and rewards me. I’m enough.

Loved this? Discover more stories about finding yourself while single on Love TV.