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Does Age Really Matter in a Relationship?

by Lorraine Rockin LOVE

Statistically speaking most people form relationships with people close to their own age.

If you look around you, you will most likely find that your friends, neighbours and relatives are in relationships with people between two to 7 years older or younger than they themselves are.

Women have traditionally married men a couple of years older. There are a few rational reasons for this. In the past a woman wanted someone who was a bit more established than she was, and anecdotally men want to wait longer before they have families.

In my own life I have dated men up to 16 years older than I am, and also men up to 9 years younger. The younger I was it seemed, the older my partner was!

When I was 18 I had a 2 year relationship with a man of 34. He was just 10 years younger than my Dad, and was actually friends with him. I benefitted from his maturity, but eventually found the relationship a bit stifling. We were both volunteers for St. John’s Ambulance, and that was the only thing we really had in common.

During the time I was dating the older guy, I met a man of 22, and we had an on-off relationship for a couple of years. In many ways I was the more mature of the two of us, he was a musician and a bit of a skirt-chaser. The advantage of the relationship was that we had so much in common. We both enjoyed the same kind of music, and with that as a background would talk into the wee hours of the morning over endless cups of coffee, with our gang of mutual friends. My first really long term relationship was also with someone virtually my own age. We had similar backgrounds, similar interests, and in most ways were a perfect fit.

When that relationship broke down, I played the field for a few years and dated both younger and older men. Each age group seemed to have some advantages, younger men were mostly energetic, adorable and a tad insecure, awed by your profound knowledge! but had a totally different frame of reference. Older men were more likely to nurture and want to protect little old you, but tended to want to be “in charge”!

I remember telling one of my younger dates (He was 21, I was 30.) that I had gone to see the World’s Fair with friends, he replied that his parents had taken him – he had been 9, I had been 18, literally double his age! His tastes in music were vastly different, and his idea of a good time was dancing the night away at a party, my taste was maturing into an appreciation of Wine and Fine Dining!

My affection for him was almost condescending, and I did not like that he brought that out in me. I also found that men of my own age, despite the natural differences in personality, at least understood the same social and political references, and had seen the same movies that I had seen!

I had noticed that in many May/September romances of any kind, it is the power imbalance that strains the relationship, so if that is evened out in some way, by money, prestige, or even just personality, then relative power is not an issue.

In my opinion, similarity in tastes and experience is more important than age; but you are much more likely to find those similarities in someone fairly close to your own age. As you age, the gap can actually widen a bit. A 50 year old woman and a 40 year old man (or vice versa) probably have much experience in common, and, in North America at least, maturity is a great leveller.

Each relationship is unique, of course, what works for one is not necessarily good for another.

Problems due to different tastes can be worked through if both parties are willing to compromise. There are mature 20 year-olds, and immature 40 year-olds. As with any aspect of a relationship it works if you both really want it to. Just look at Madonna! – or maybe that’s not a good example.

Age may be just a number, and we are all as old as we feel, or as young as we look,  Right now I am married to a man who is 6 months my junior, but looks and acts his age, whereas I look and act 10 years younger! The older I get it seems that age becomes just demographic information, and inside my head I can remember being 19, which makes me younger than my children!

Relationship Experts’ Crash Course in Sustaining an Amazing Relationship

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

If binge-watching Gilmore Girls,Scandal, or The Good Wife has taught us anything, it’s that relationships are messy. Personal experience proves it too: From our eighth-grade romance to our most recent breakup drama, “love isn’t easy” is a life lesson we know all too well.

No matter your status—single, dating, engaged, or married—relationships take work. And whether they end with tears and empty Ben & Jerry’s or last until forever may depend upon countless factors, but your own actions, words, and thoughts undoubtedly play a role.

One thing that’ll give you an advantage in the game of love? Soaking up all the wisdom you can from relationship therapists, researchers, matchmakers, and more. Here, we’ve distilled it down to the very best advice 15 experts have learned. Regardless of your personal situation, their words may help you uncover the key to long-lasting happiness.

1. Do or say something daily to show your appreciation.

“Saying and doing small, simple expressions of gratitude every day yields big rewards. When people feel recognized as special and appreciated, they’re happier in that relationship and more motivated to make the relationship better and stronger. And when I say simple, I really mean it. Make small gestures that show you’re paying attention: Hug, kiss, hold hands, buy a small gift, send a card, fix a favorite dessert, put gas in the car, or tell your partner, ‘You’re sexy,’ ‘You’re the best dad,’ or simply say ‘Thank you for being so wonderful.'”

— Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., professor at Oakland University and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great

2. Realize every relationship has value, regardless of how long it lasts.

“There’s no such thing as a failed romance. Relationships simply evolve into what they were always meant to be. It’s best not to try to make something that is meant to be seasonal or temporary into a lifelong relationship. Let go and enjoy the journey.”

— April Beyer, matchmaker and dating and relationship expert

3. Never take your partner for granted.

“This may sound obvious, but you can’t imagine how many people come to couples therapy too late, when their partner is done with a relationship and wants to end it. It is very important to realize that everyone potentially has a breaking point, and if their needs are not met or they don’t feel seen by the other, they will more than likely find it somewhere else. Many people assume that just because they are OK without things they want so is their partner. ‘No relationship is perfect’ shouldn’t be used as a rationalization for complacency.”

— Irina Firstein, LCSW, individual and couples therapist

4. Remember to take breaks.

“A friend taught me that no matter how in love you are or how long you’ve been together, it’s important to take an exhale from your partnership. Hang out with girlfriends until late in the evening, take a weekend trip to visit family, or just spend time ‘doing you’ for a while. Then when you go home to Yours Truly, you’ll both be recharged and ready to come together even stronger.”

— Amy Baglan, CEO of MeetMindful, a dating site for people into healthy living, well-being, and mindfulness

5. It’s not what you fight about—it’s how you fight.

“Researchers have found that four conflict messages are able to predict whether couples remain together or get divorced: contempt, criticism, stonewalling (or withdrawal), and defensiveness. Together, they’re known as the ‘Four Horsemen of Divorce.’ Instead of resorting to these negative tactics, fight fairly: Look for places where each partner’s goal overlaps into a shared common goal and build from that. Also, focus on using ‘I’ vs. ‘you’ language.”

— Sean M. Horan, Ph.D., assistant professor of communication, Texas State University

 

6. Stop trying to be each other’s “everything.”

“‘You are my everything’ is a lousy pop-song lyric and an even worse relationship plan. No one can be ‘everything’ to anyone. Create relationships outside The Relationship, or The Relationship isn’t going to work anymore.”

— Matt Lundquist, LCSW, couples therapist

7. Don’t just go for the big O.

“Sex isn’t just about orgasms. It’s about sensation, emotional intimacy, stress relief, improved health (improved immune and cardiovascular system), and increased emotional bonding with your partner, thanks to the wonderful release of hormones due to physical touch. There are many more reasons to have sex than just getting off.”

— Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D., licensed marriage and sex therapist, expert at Adam and Eve, and Greatist expert

8. Look for someone with similar values.

“For long-lasting love, the more similarity (e.g., age, education, values, personality, hobbies), the better. Partners should be especially sure that their values match before getting into marriage. Although other differences can be accommodated and tolerated, a difference in values is particularly problematic if the goal is long-lasting love. Another secret for a long marriage: Both partners need to commit to making it work, no matter what. The only thing that can break up a relationship are the partners themselves.”

— Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at California State University, San Bernardino

9. Try a nicer approach.

“Research has shown that the way a problem is brought up determines both how the rest of that conversation will go and how the rest of the relationship will go. Many times an issue is brought up by attacking or blaming one’s partner, also known as criticism, and one of the killers of a relationship. So start gently. Instead of saying, ‘You always leave your dishes all over the place! Why can’t you pick anything up?’ try a more gentle approach, focusing on your ownemotional reaction and a positive request. For example: ‘I get annoyed when I see dishes in the living room. Would you please put them back in the kitchen when you’re finished?'”

— Carrie Cole, M.Ed., LPC-S, a certified Gottman therapist and master trainer for The Gottman Institute

10. Make sure you’re meeting your partner’s needs.

“The number one thing I have learned about love is that it is a trade and a social exchange, not just a feeling. Loving relationships are a process by which we get our needs met and meet the needs of our partners too. When that exchange is mutually satisfying, then good feelings continue to flow. When it is not, then things turn sour, and the relationship ends. That is why it is important to pay attention to what you and your partner actually do for each other as expressions of love… not just how you feel about each other in the moment.”

— Jeremy Nicholson, Ph.D., psychologist and dating expert

 

11. Take care of yourself.

“There is one major cause of relationship problems: self-abandonment. We can ‘abandon’ ourselves in many areas: emotional (judging or ignoring our feelings), financial (spending irresponsibly), organizational (being late or messy), physical (eating badly, not exercising), relational (creating conflict in a relationship), or spiritual (depending too much on your partner for love). When you decide to learn to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself, you will discover how to create a loving relationship with your partner.”

— Margaret Paul, Ph.D., relationship expert and co-creator of Inner Bonding

12. Don’t forget to keep things hot.

“Many times people become increasingly shy with the person they love the more as time goes by. Partners begin to take their love for granted and forget to keep themselves turned on and to continue to seduce their partner. Keep your ‘sex esteem’ alive by keeping up certain practices on a regular basis. This allows you to remain vibrant, sexy, and engaged in your love life.”

— Sari Cooper, LCSW, licensed individual, couples, and sex therapist

13. Remove the pressure on performance.

“The penis-vagina model of sex comes with pressures, such as having an orgasm at the same time or the idea that an orgasm should happen with penetration. With these strict expectations come a pressure on performance that ultimately leads many to feel a sense of failure and frustration. Instead, try to expand your concept of sex to include anything that involves close, intimate connection with your partner, such as sensual massages, taking a nice shower or bath together, reading an erotic story together, playing with some fun toys… the possibilities are endless. And if orgasm happens, great, and if not, that’s OK too. When you expand your definition of sex and lower the pressure on orgasm and penetration, the anxiety around performance dissipates and your satisfaction can escalate.”

— Chelsea Holland, DHS, MS, sex and relationship therapist at The Intimacy Institute

14. Create a fulfilling life for yourself.

“Like many people, I grew up believing that marriage required self-sacrifice. Lots of it. My wife, Linda, helped me see that I didn’t have to become a martyr and sacrifice my own happiness in order to make our marriage work. She showed me that my responsibility in creating a fulfilling and joyful life for myself was as important as anything else that I could do for her or the kids. Over the years, it’s become increasingly clear to me that my responsibility to provide for my own well-being is as important as my responsibility to others. This is easier said than done, but it is perhaps the single most important thing we can do to ensure that our relationship will be mutually satisfying.”

— Charlie Bloom, MSW, relationship expert and author of Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love

15. Identify your “good conflicts,” and work on them together.

“Every couple has what I call a ‘good conflict.’ In long-term relationships, we often feel that the thing you most need from your partner is the very thing he or she is least capable of giving you. This isn’t the end of love—it’s the beginning of deeper love! Don’t run from that conflict. It’s supposed to be there. In fact, it’s your key to happiness as a couple—if you both can name it and commit to working on it together as a couple. If you approach your ‘good conflicts’ with bitterness, blame, and contempt, your relationship will turn toxic.”

— Ken Page, LCSW, a psychotherapist and author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Do You Really Want in a Relationship?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Many have actually gone through this step already. Which is writing down what you think you want in a relationship.

How to know what you want in a relationship

Everyone has different psychological needs that must be identified and met. The thing is, if we don’t meet our needs, we won’t be satisfied and happy in a relationship.

Even though it’s critical to identifying our needs, it can sometimes be a little puzzling to do. Sometimes we’re not very sure what we want exactly.
This article will help show you how you can discover and identify them confidently.

What do you really want

Many have actually gone through this step already.
Which is writing down what you think you want in a relationship.
If you haven’t yet, you must know that it’s an essential thing to start with in order to understand what you want.

While you write your list, it’s important that you make sure you separate between what is vital for you to have (what you can’t go without) from the rest of the list. Maybe you would want to have this in a different color as you them write down.

The reason for this is that this way you at least know what you absolutely shouldn’t go without in a relationship. Many people don’t do this step of taking the time to specify in details because it could be a bit of an effort to them, and as a result, understanding themselves and the relationship becomes very confusing.

Make sure your list includes the following categories:

-Characteristics that you want in a partner.
-Certain physical appearance that you want.
-Certain behaviors that you wish were existent in the relationship. (Example: spend time with you, respectful communication, talk things through to find solutions, etc…)
-Social standard or background
-Values that he/she should have

If you absolutely don’t know what to write, one way to do it is to think of what you absolutely don’t want and write the opposite. By finding out what you don’t want, you figure out what you need in a relationship to avoid it.

Let your list evolve

Now that you’ve done this list, is that it?
No. Think how we’ve advanced with transportation over time, now we have planes and it takes us a few hours to travel from one continent to another.

So my point here is, after you have created your list keep adjusting it from what you see happening around you and from what you personally experience.

Sometimes you watch a couple that you like and see something that they do that you would definitely want in your relationship as well, add that. Sometimes you would watch other people do things to each other that you dislike, or even experience something that happens to you and you realize you should avoid, write that as well.

Never stop tweaking your list. It’s exactly like finding out what your favorite color is. You see many colors and suddenly at some point you see one color and realize how much you like it. The primary list that you have created in step 1 will be an infrastructure that you should continue to build on and fine-tune.

Match the choices with the needs

How do you use this list once you find a person that you like?
Well, if you are very lucky, and hope you will be, you will find someone who you can achieve with all the things you both want in a relationship.

But what if this person doesn’t have exactly what you want, do you let this person go?
No, but depends. Remember in step 1 when I told you to separate your vital needs from your wants in a different color?

Now, this will come in handy. You need to make sure that these things you wrote in color are met, because if they are not and you are not meeting your needs, you won’t be satisfied in the relationship later on.

Never compromise your needs. You can compromise your wants for a wonderful person, but never your needs. If you need to work on yourself a bit more to attract this sort of person, start now. Otherwise follow your list, especially the ones in color.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Look for the Right Partner Right Now

by zfortadminin LOVE

Remember that a relationship consists of two people. Both you and your partner should have equal say and should never be afraid to express how you feel.

Nice eyes? A great smile? A quirky sense of humor? There are a lot of different things that might make you attracted to someone. But having a healthy relationship with your partner is about more than attraction; it requires respect, trust and open communication. Whether you’re looking for a relationship or are already in one, make sure you and your partner agree on what makes a relationship healthy. It’s not always easy, but you can build a healthy relationship. Look for someone who:

  • Treats you with respect.
  • Doesn’t make fun of things you like or want to do.
  • Never puts you down.
  • Doesn’t get angry if you spend time with your friends or family.
  • Listens to your ideas and compromise sometimes.
  • Isn’t excessively negative.
  • Shares some of your interests such as movies, sports, reading, dancing or music.
  • Isn’t afraid to share their thoughts and feelings.
  • Is comfortable around your friends and family.
  • Is proud of your accomplishments and successes.
  • Respects your boundaries and does not abuse technology.
  • Doesn’t require you to “check in” or need to know where you are all the time.
  • Is caring and honest.
  • Doesn’t pressure you to do things that you don’t want to do.
  • Doesn’t constantly accuse you of cheating or being unfaithful.
  • Encourages you to do well in school or at work.
  • Doesn’t threaten you or make you feel scared.
  • Understands the importance of healthy relationships.

Remember that a relationship consists of two people. Both you and your partner should have equal say and should never be afraid to express how you feel. It’s not just about speaking up for yourself — you should also listen and seriously consider what your partner says.

Every relationship has arguments and disagreements sometimes — this is normal. How you choose to deal with your disagreements is what really counts. Both people should work hard to communicate effectively.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Do You Deserve in Love in 2016?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

I recently left a relationship that I was not happy in. Although my ex was definitely an unconditional lover, it painfully bothered me that the man I loved was not taking care of his responsibilities.

Since I’ve entered my twenties, I’ve been looking for more than just a good time; I need a stable partner who will be able to meet our shared expenses and obligations in the future. So, I was faced with the crucial, inevitable decision of calling it quits.

I cried the first few nights, but every night after was a learning experience. I realized that no matter how much he loved me, I needed more from the relationship than he could give.

While I was still in it, he kept telling me that I made the entire relationship about me, saying, “You are only worried about your happiness. What about mine?”

Although he was right about his happiness being important, I realized something: my happiness is just as important, and I cannot—and should not have to—sacrifice mine for his.

Half of a couple can’t be happy while the other half is miserable. If neither is happy, then the relationship is already over.

A few weeks after the big break, I began asking myself what I wanted out of a relationship. Who am I? What do I need?

I wrote down a list of my nice-to-haves and my non-negotiables. This allowed me to see my past relationship for what it was: not what I really wanted. And thus, I experienced little pain and was able to move on gracefully.

Don’t get me wrong, I felt incredibly terrible for breaking his heart. I have always been the one to break things off, but I wasn’t so sure if I ever broke a guy’s heart until the day I broke his.

But I had to learn to forgive myself because I knew the relationship wouldn’t last. And it was better to break his heart now than to stay in it for far too long and inescapably break it later.

He eventually told me I was his only source of happiness, but just as you shouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness, you shouldn’t be responsible for another’s happiness either.

Happiness should come from within. If you have it before you enter the relationship, once ties are severed and the mourning phase is over, you will surely have it again.

The greatest lesson I learned is that you have to know what you want before the relationship starts.

When people say, “I don’t know what I want, but when I see it, I’ll know,” they are usually the ones who stick around in a relationship longer than necessary because they weren’t sure of what they wanted from the beginning. This causes unnecessary trial and error and a lot more pain.

It doesn’t take long to ask yourself what it is you desire and write it down. You may not know for certain right away, but you should at least have a rough idea. Getting to know yourself better can help with this.

Dating can also help refine your list, but making a serious commitment before really understanding your requirements in a relationship can be detrimental.

Typically when we go into a relationship without truly understanding our requirements, we end up trying to change our partner, which never ends well.

A loving relationship is meant to be the reward of knowing what you wanted and receiving it. Getting into a relationship in order to figure out what you want is backwards.

Ask yourself what it is you appreciate in a partner. What will cause you to write off a potential partner (perhaps not having the same goals and dreams)? This is important because if we don’t determine what we will and will not accept, we end up accepting anything.

But even more importantly, don’t forget about yourself. Get to know your own personal likes and dislikes. This is the one time where everything can be about what you want.

When we’re in a relationship, we’re always so busy trying to learn about another person’s wants, needs, goals, and aspirations that we oftentimes forget about our own.

During this time you don’t have to ask anyone for affirmation. All of your decisions are your own. No one can tell you who to be.

And while in a relationship, you still have to remember that you complete yourself. The man or woman you’re with does not define who you are, and you do not need him or her to be complete. Your self-esteem should not begin or end with how that person feels about you.

Be willing to give the person you love the shirt off your back, but your self-worth? Never give them that.

You have to honestly know that you will be happy with or without them. This little piece of knowledge makes it easier for you to leave a relationship that causes you anguish, and find one that better serves you.

That’s not to say that relationships are perfect and no one will ever hurt you; that’s certainly not the case. Every person will come with his or her own flaws, and every relationship will require a little work. You just have to know what you’re willing to work through and what you’re not.

Some words of advice my wise mother once gave me: you are the prize. How big of a prize you’re worth winning is defined by how much you love and respect yourself. You determine how much you are worth. Nobody else.

Sometimes love can turn into a battle that we want to win but can’t. Many relationships aren’t meant to be. That doesn’t make it your fault, and it doesn’t make it the other person’s fault; it just makes it life.

Whatever the case, you should never sacrifice your dignity at the expense of a futile relationship.

As for me, I couldn’t wait for him to be who I needed him to be. And I couldn’t change him either. I had to do what was best for me and for him as well.

If it were meant to be, it would’ve been right from the beginning.

I just have to go out into the world and find someone who better suits me. In the meantime, I am discovering a lot about myself, things I would’ve probably never known otherwise.

You must never get so caught up in your other half’s happiness that you forget about your own, and what matters most to you.

By the time I get into my next relationship, I will have better clarity of what I want and what I need.

But for right now, I am the love of my life. I am hoping that eventually I can share my love and happiness with another being, and he can share his with me.

Romance does not only consist of loving another, but also finding it easy to love oneself in the process. And I have to remind myself to never lose sight of that self-love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Want to Fall Deeper in Love? Take Up These Sex Habits

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

Sex can be, and can be used for, so many different things. But early in a relationship, once you get through a couple of awkward rounds, sex can play a big role in building intimacy and even falling in love.

There is sex that is straight up sex for sex’s sake— passionate, charged, carnal. There’s awkward, first-time with someone you really like sex. There’s random hookup sex. There’s long-term couple trying to spice it up sex. The list goes on—but building intimacy during sex is one we rarely talk about.

Warning: The following sex acts may lead to the awkward “Oh crap one of us said “I love you” during sex— does it count!?” dilemma. Don’t worry. It happens to the best of us. It’s no need to be embarrassed, even if it is really awkward. Just remember you’re not alone. (And the generally consensus seems to be that it doesn’t really count.) Between a really intimate act that you’re doing, heart racing, hormones all over the place, it’s so easy to let it slip out in the moment.

But what are the more intimate sex acts? The ones that can make you feel so connected to your partner and overwhelmed with emotions? Here are 6 sex acts that help build intimacy.

1. Kissing

I know it may seem basic, but don’t discount kissing as a very important sex act. And maybe the most intimate one. Along with cuddling, a lot of people avoid kissing during one-night stands because of this. It’s something we do all the time, but sometimes we can get distracted during sex and not do it as much as we should. But if you stick to positions where kissing is an option, you’ll really feel connected to your partner.

2. Missionary

Maybe because it’s sort of the classic go-to position, there’s definitely something romantic about it. Your faces and your entire bodies are very, very close, and the weight of whoever is on top keeps you in constant contact. And it’s not just for hetero sex. So whoever you are, there can be all the eye contact, kissing, and intimacy you can handle.

3. Oral Sex

Oral sex is intimate no matter what, because you’re getting up close in personal with parts of the body we’re normally taught should be kept hidden. But while every man I’ve ever met unselfconsciously loves a blow job, a lot of women find someone going down on them incredibly intimate— almost intimidatingly so. Maybe it’s because you end up with someone’s tongue basically, or definitely, inside you, or maybe it’s just that we’re taught to be even more ashamed of our vulva and that people don’t like going down on it. (Both of which are ridiculous.) In any case, for a lot of women getting to a point where you’re completely comfortable with oral sex means a whole lot of trust.

4. Undressing

When you’re new in a relationship it’s probably all about tearing each other’s clothes off, but then it slows down. I’m not saying you need some kind of big cheesy striptease, or to make a whole event out of it, but there’s something really sexy and romantic about building up from just a bit of kissing, to heavy kissing, to feeling each other, and then slowly going beneath the clothing and removing them completely. All of that combined with making out can be a really connect you to your partner.

5. Side-By-Side

Similarly to missionary, having sex facing each other, both of you on your side, has the benefit of all over contact and your faces being close for kissing, or just some sickly-sweet staring into each other eyes. But while in missionary, one person is definitely dominant within the position, when you have sex side-by-side there’s a more even playing field. Especially if you’re having lesbian sex and mutually fingering each other, it’s a really leveling, connecting position.

6. Post-Sex Cuddle

If you are a better person than me and lay there without making a horrible awkward joke, it’s when you kind of bask in a little love halo (if you’re having sex with someone you have romantic feelings for). Taking some time to relax into that and just enjoy it is a sure way to build intimacy.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

In Denial About Your Relationship?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

A relationship is a lot like a car. When it’s new, we treat it like the most precious and exciting thing in the world.

We would never dream of leaving garbage lying around inside or neglecting it in any way. We wash it frequently and make sure to keep up on the maintenance.

However, over time complacency sets in and the car/relationship does not bring as much excitement as it did in the beginning. We begin caring less about the cleanliness and may slack on the care we once diligently showed the car.

When brand new, a car (and relationship for that matter) is unlikely to show signs of problems. You don’t often hear of a new car having the check engine light come on unless the car has more miles on it. How many of us groan when we see that light on? If the car is still running and sounds OK, it is easy to avoid getting it into a mechanic to check it out.

It comes down to this: Sometimes it seems easier to avoid problems if things seem “fine” rather than tackling them and dealing with them right away.

This may seem like the easier option in the beginning; however, what happens when we avoid that check engine light? If there is a serious problem and we keep driving the car, we can make it worse. The same goes for relationships. The longer we avoid issues, the more likely it is that the damage is going to be worse over time — sometimes to the point that things are irreparable.

Often by the time a couple gets into therapy, their relationship is already at the point of practically falling apart. For the couple that has avoided their problems for years, by the time they get to the couch in my office, one or both has already given up on the relationship. The relationship is ready to crumble and is hanging by a thread. It takes a great deal of effort from each party in order to repair the damage. Sometimes the damage is too much, and in spite of their best efforts, relationships fall apart.

Please know I am not trying to suggest that there is zero chance for a couple who has experienced avoidance over a long period of time to save their marriage. Yes, it is possible and I’ve seen it happen, but only through very hard work from both parties, as well as a willingness for each person to take a good, hard look at him or herself. But wouldn’t it be nice to be aware of the pitfalls of avoidance so you can prevent the damage in the first place?

Acknowledge the check engine light

To tackle this issue of avoidance, we must first understand denial. Denial is tricky. It can be a friend or a foe. Denial is the brain’s way of defending itself. This is helpful and adaptive for situations in which we need to titrate information because taking it all at once would overwhelm the system. For example, a person who experiences a significant loss may need to be in denial for a while until the brain is ready to process what has happened. When denial is adaptive, the brain eventually processes all the pieces of an overwhelming incident (in fragments) and is able, at some point, to acknowledge what has happened.

However, sometimes we get a little too comfortable with denial, particularly in relationships. This presents in various ways. Sometimes they present in subtle ways and some are more difficult and emotionally charged. Some common issues people avoid bringing up include:

  • Finding yourself bored in your relationship.
  • Losing touch with your partner emotionally, sexually and mentally.
  • Changing over time and feeling that you and your partner are no longer on the same wavelength.
  • Not wanting to cause conflict.
  • No longer finding your partner attractive.
  • Thinking “the grass may be greener” somewhere else.
  • No longer having as much energy for the relationship.

It’s never comfortable to acknowledge that these issues are going on, but the only way to prevent further damage from occurring is to face them.

Be prepared for feedback and practice listening

If you want your relationship to be happy and healthy, it’s going to take work. Yes, relationships can be fun and exciting, particularly in the beginning “honeymoon phase.” But even the most compatible people are going to find that they have to work to help their relationship grow over time and to survive the long haul.

Too often, there is an ideal that we are supposed to meet someone, fall in love, and all pieces are supposed to fall together like some sort of fairytale. This is definitely not reality. Your partner is going to bother you from time to time and you are going to bother them. You may find that you get bored at times with the monotony of day-to-day life. Each of you may be tired and just trying to make it through the daily grind. These are all normal issues and all can be worked through.

But be prepared to listen to each other, and own your part in each issue. Work on not being defensive by tracking yourself closely. Pay attention to your urges and try to keep your breathing even and consistent before you respond. It’s OK to take breaks during this process. Not everything is going to be solved in one sitting.

Be consistent

Doing this once and then falling back into the same old habits is just not going to cut it. If you want a relationship that is strong and can stand the test of time, both parties must commit to consistently taking inventory of the relationship, their part in all issues, and working through them. The good news: The more you do this, the less uncomfortable it gets.

Just like a car, the better you care for your relationship, the better it will be to you and the happier you will both be in the long run.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Do You Hate Valentine’s? Here’s Why Some Couples Do.

by zfortadminin LOVE

Valentine’s Day haters do not just include those who find themselves without a valentine.

There are plenty of reasons couples hate Valentine’s Day too, and they are not necessarily just because the “holiday” can all too often feel hollow, or capitalistic, or otherwise forced. So I asked six relationship experts to reveal why they think some couples hate Valentine’s Day so much. After all, these psychologists, therapists, and other experts know a thing or two about the dynamics of couples. I figured they could shed light on such a widespread feeling of dislike.

Shed they did. And one expert reminded that it’s possible that even the grinches of Valentine’s Day can be won over, if they just change their mindset. “For people that hate V-Day, I would suggest they find amazing ways to show love that buck the commercial aspects,” Rob Alex, who created Sexy Challenges and Mission Date Night with his wife, tells Bustle. The options are endless, but the only rule is that you eschew traditional tropes of the day for things that are more personal and special.

“Make your own card, cook a fabulous meal together and just spend that valuable time with your partner, just being together and talking,” Alex says. “Love is the most valuable thing on the planet, and yet it doesn’t cost a dime.” Truth. Here are 10 reasons some couples hate Valentine’s Day so much, from a psychological standpoint:

1. Disappointment Is Too Easy

If there’s smoke, there’s fire — and if there are expectations, disappointment is bound to be not too far behind. “Couples learn to dislike Valentine’s because of the pressure to be romantic, to do something special, and the disappointment when it doesn’t go right,” Tina B. Tessina, aka Dr. Romance, psychotherapist and author of Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, tells Bustle. “That’s why keeping it simple is a good idea.” If you keep the whole thing low-key, as she suggests, your expectations will stay at a reasonable level, and you won’t set yourself up for disappointment.

2. It’s Commercial

“Many people hate V-Day from the commercial standpoint,” Alex tells Bustle. Basing the day on “how much you spend on your partner” will never make anyone feel fulfilled, he says. “Getting away from the commercial aspect of Valentine’s Day could help these people heal from their hatred of V-Day,” says Alex, aka the Guru of Getting It On.

3. Some People Think It’s A Fake Holiday

Similarly, psychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle that “some people believe that it is a ‘Hallmark holiday’ — something made up to sell cards and candy.” Though the origins of the day are anything but commercial — in fact, the traditions associated with Valentine’s Day started out rather dark — the day has evolved to be just that, but only if you let it be.

4. It Can Feel Obligatory

“Valentine’s Day can feel like obligatory love,” Carlyle Jansen, author of Author, Sex Yourself: Woman’s Guide to Mastering Masturbation and Achieving Powerful Orgasms, tells Bustle. “I have told my partner never to do anything for me on the 14th of February. Any of the other 364 days of the year is wide open for indulgence, and I am happy to receive any other time.” She just doesn’t want her partner to do something special just because “it feels like you are ‘supposed to,'” she says. “Of course, my partner always thinks that this is a trick and will get into trouble if nothing happens.”

5. You’re Forced To Perform

“I believe couples can come to hate V-Day, because of all the commercialization of this holiday with the emphasis on spending too much money,” relationship coach and psychic medium Cindi Sansone-Braff, author of Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships, tells Bustle. “Restaurants can be overcrowded and over-charging, and yet the pressure to do something special can make couples do things they really rather not be doing.” Rather than forcing yourself to shell out for a prix fixe menu you’d rather not eat, feel free to stay home and watch a movie — you can always get dolled up and go out another night.

6. It Can Feel Superficial

“People hate rejection, and if a focus is on a romantic love, which is fleeting, then almost any love that is not superficial could feel to some as if they are experiencing something ‘less than,'” psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva tells Bustle. In other words, the superficial starts to feel real — and real, from-the-heart gestures can feel like they are not enough, even though they are authentic, if they don’t involve red roses or candy. “It is so important to understand that what is celebrated and what is real might be very different,” Paiva says. “We put expectations on ourselves, partners and relationships that are unrealistic.”

7. Too Much Is Crowded Into One Day

“Many believe that there should not be a day to show the other person how you feel about them, but this should be a regular occurrence throughout the year,” says Martinez. By jamming it all into one day, pressure and expectations can be too high — and you can lose out on exchanging little gifts and performing acts of kindness throughout the year.

8. You And Your Partner Can Be On Two Different Pages

“There’s always this unspoken need to meet your mate’s expectation, and frankly, two people who are otherwise very compatible, might just not be on the same page about the whole ‘Hallmark card and everything is coming up roses, candy hearts and chocolate kisses thing,'” says Sansone-Braff. A real, heart-to-heart discussion with your partner is in order. “The solution to this problem is to talk about what this holiday means or doesn’t mean to you, and come to some kind of compromise on how to spend this day together,” says Sansone-Braff. “Whatever you do, don’t start a War of the Roses over Valentine’s Day.”

9. It Can Be Re-Traumatizing

“Some have simply had terrible prior experiences in the past, and this has made them unable to move past it and learn to enjoy it and the company of their partner for a special celebration,” says Martinez. If you’ve had a horrible Valentine’s Day — or multiple awful V-Days past — you can skip the day, or make new memories by doing something completely different.

10. Everything Is Packed

And sometimes you want to share your googly eyes with no one but your partner. On Valentine’s Day, everywhere you go will be extra packed, often requiring reservations months in advance. Even worse: You’ll be surrounded by other couples, and it’s hard to ignore what everyone around you is doing/wearing/saying to each other. If you really, truly hate V-Day, and your partner does too, you can always opt out. But if you just dislike the day because of one or more of these underlying reasons, you can always alter your choices, so you can still celebrate love — without the icky parts.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The Sex Addict

by RJ Newellin Sex

I realize now that all I wanted was a connection.

My name is Amanda, and I am a sex addict.

Or I was, until I had sex with a famous-dude-I-can’t-name-but-let’s-call-him Dustin Shmieber. Millions of girls all over the world would kill to be where I was. You actually don’t have to kill anybody, but there are certain steps you have to take. Legally. It’s for his safety. Or whatever.

Step 1 – You must say “yes, Dustin Shmieber, I will have sex with you,” out loud, in front of a witness, usually his entire crew of security guys.

Step 2 – You must wait until Dustin Shmieber gets in his vehicle and drives away to wherever it is, you guys will be meeting up later.

Step 3 – You must relinquish your cell phone, your wallet, and your ID, and allow a bunch of giant men to search you for any recording devices or weapons.

Step 4 – You are then blindfolded and put in a different car, and driven to an undisclosed and mysterious location. No one tells you where you’re going, or how you’re getting back. And naturally, you, the young, innocent Shmelieber that you are, don’t think this is weird at all.

Step 5 – You’re taken, blindfolded, into the building where Dustin sits and waits somewhere…it’s kind of funny, I just imagine him crouching like Gollum and waiting… and you are told to sign a legally binding contract saying that – if you have an STD, he is not responsible, and if you get pregnant, he is not responsible, and it is your duty to find treatment and/or an abortion at your own expense, he is not responsible, and you cannot contact him in any way whatsoever, because he is not responsible. It gets better. You cannot tell anyone, in public or private, what happened in that room with him, or you will be the responsible one who is sued to death. You have to sign. Then, and ONLY THEN, are you allowed into a room alone with the Shmiebs.

Even I, the frantic sex maniac that I am, should find this a little bizarre.

But this was different. This was Dustin Shmeiber. Adored by millions. Girls wanted him. Boys wanted to be him. I just wanted to be on him. But when I finally got in that room…I saw only that this creature was more alone than me.

My name is Amanda. I don’t like sex as much as I used to.

I realize now that all I wanted was a connection. As fucked up as that situation was, I got what I was searching for. That night, when I looked into his face, I found myself there… and it was heartbreaking. It doesn’t matter who you are. A million adoring fans is worth nothing, if you do not love yourself. Loneliness does not discriminate. In any relationship, sexual or otherwise, you are the one you need most. It’s never too late. Love is power, and it’s all in your hands.

The Married Millennial – Are We Too Young?

by RJ Newellin LOVE

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different.

I got married at 21. By today’s standards, that makes me a unicorn.

When I show up with a new tattoo, nobody bats an eye. But the second I say I’m married? I might as well have joined a cult.

“How old are you, again?” my yoga teacher asked.

I answered honestly. “I’m 21.”

Her face must have gone through fifty shades of pity. “Are you sure?”

In our early twenties, we are expected to make adult decisions. Finishing college, choosing our careers, voting in elections – these are not tasks for children. As an adult, I’m allowed to make choices for myself. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

If we can smoke cigarettes in our twenties (risking cancer), own a credit card (and a lifetime of student loan debt), or joining the military (at 18, mind you) – why is marriage such a scary concept to us?

Traditional marriage goes against what many of us have come to know.

“How long have you been together? Because when I was in my twenties…”

This is a trick question. It doesn’t matter how long we have been together – her mind is made up that I am too young. Her conclusion is probably drawn from her own experiences at 21 – and that’s not a bad thing.

A year before, I would have agreed with her. I’ve had every reason to not believe in marriage. My experiences with long-term relationships began much younger than most, and nearly all of them ended in heartbreak. I know what it’s like to think you’ll spend forever with someone, only to leave – or be left. My own parents divorced. My friends’ parents divorced. I’ve been to more divorce dinners than actual weddings…and that’s because I don’t like weddings.

Before my husband came along, I swore off the possibility of long-term relationships completely. Monogamy was a lie. Marriage was an outdated system. Why would a strong, career-minded feminist like myself willingly give herself legally to another person?

I argued this point whenever marriage was mentioned. I questioning my friends’ life choices and cut my own relationships short when things got too serious. I was content to spend the rest of my life as a happily single woman. Now, here I am, with a ring on my finger.

Is it scary? Yes. Do I question my decision? No.

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different. I can’t predict the next ten, twenty, thirty years. But no matter how my life turns out, I will be grateful for having shared it with him.

Nobody can predict the future, and that’s what makes marriage so huge.

I know a couple that dated for ten years before getting married. They divorced after one year. I also know a couple that got married six months after they met. They’ve been married for thirty years, and counting.

There is no guarantee that any relationship will survive. Our generation has been raised to value reward over risk. We want results, now. To many of us, marriage just sounds like a really expensive mistake. It’s easier to live together and have children together, without the hassle of expensive paperwork.

“Why invest in a marriage when you can have all the perks without it?” asked basically everyone.

As soon as our engagement announcement went live on social media, my inbox overflowed with congratulations…and concern.

“Have you been with him long enough to be sure?”

“Does this mean you giving up your career?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“I know it’s not my business, but…”

Sixty years ago, getting married in your twenties was totally normal. But then again, more of us had stable jobs in those days. People weren’t as afraid of the future then as we are now.

Nobody knows where – or who – we’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years. For many, this is why being “tied down” to any one person is terrifying. But for some, this is all the more reason to commit to something – or someone.

We’ve now been married for one year. So far, so good. We know that marriage is hard work. And it’s more than likely that we won’t be the same people in ten years. That’s not a bad thing. It means we’re growing – and hopefully, we’ll grow together.

Maybe you are also in your twenties, and you were hoping this article might help you decide whether to get married or not. My question for you, is – why?

Do your life choices reflect what you want, or what other people want? This applies to everything, not just marriage. Self-sabotage occurs by comparing ourselves to others and waiting for outer validation.

When my lover got down on one knee, he didn’t say, “Hey, friends and family, should she marry me?”

And I didn’t say, “Hold on a second,” and then get out my phone to Google national divorce statistics.

He simply asked, “Will you marry me?”

And I said, “Yes.”

Marriage is a choice between two people, to be made every day for the rest of life. I feel ready, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Love is all that matters. Embrace the way it lives for you.

Are we TOO young?

Sabotaging a Relationship Before It Even Starts

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

…And then something changes, as he either starts to pull away or seem less engaged or the worst one of all, begin to ignore her…

Every girl loves the feeling of meeting someone new; feeling that inevitable spark; exchanging numbers; talking to him everyday as the excitement buds. She connects with him; she feels the proverbial connection; she has fun with him; tells all her friends he might just be ‘the one’… And then something changes, as he either starts to pull away or seem less engaged or the worst one of all, begin to ignore her…

Naturally, the way that men and women go about experiencing and processing relationships is very different. Whereas men tend to live much more in the moment and require more time, women tend to get stuck and wrapped in the tiny details and want to jump right into a relationship.

The truth of the matter is that relationships in fact are really quite simple, but sometimes a girl can drive herself insane trying to figure it all out- often losing sight of what’s really important: the actual relationship in actual time, causing a budding relationship to turn into a non-existing one.

1. Focusing on a “fantasy future”

It always starts off so perfect; the first couple of dates go smoothly and you just can’t help but get excited for the future possibilities this new guy has to offer. We begin to think of where this relationship might go and we create a whole fantasy future. As soon as a girl starts to create this fantasy future, her mind begins to focus on the possibilities making it a problem because they lose sight of the here and now. Girls become obsessed and attached to this fantasy and they can’t help but stress and worry about losing this new man, even though he isn’t something they really had to begin with! And men can sense this overzealous vibe coming off a woman and that is when the push and pull between the two begins. As he senses a girl begin to create this fantasy, the pressure ensues and he begins to back off, causing the women to panic and cling on even tighter. This sort of pressure can be a really big turn off for a man and can turn a promising relationship into a nonexistent one real quick.

So girls, don’t try to plan a wedding when the guy is still only just trying to plan the next date! Give him time to continue to get to know you and for the both of you to develop a stronger bond.

2. Questioning everything

No one likes to waste their time and risk getting their heart broken. Most women fear getting too emotionally invested in a man that will eventually break things off so they begin to wonder where the relationship is going; whereas on the other hand, men like to take it one day at a time, leaving women in a state of wonder and questioning. In these situations, sometimes women think it is best to have the “where are we” conversation only to protect their feelings, leaving the man feeling pressured and in the end, scaring him off. People also often associate pressure with desperation, insecurity and a need for control- all qualities no one is into, right?

So girls, even though it is tempting to ask a man “where are we?” for the sake of our emotional safety from the potential pain of a broken heart and because opening up to someone new is being completely vulnerable and scary, we need to realize that these are only fears and insecurities that can throw off our men. Life is full of risks and a new relationship is only part of the journey so it’s okay to be fearful. It only means that you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in the pursuit of something that will hopefully end up good. Allow the relationship to naturally unfold before you let your fear ruin it!

3. Overanalyzing everything

A lot of women tend to let the thoughts in their head take over and begin to over analyze the man in front of them. Who he is, what his real intentions are, what he’s really about—women look at his behaviours and the things he says and use that as a means to measure how he feels about them. Picking apart text messages, questioning why he’s not responding, questioning what he’s up to, debating what to reply to him, replaying every little detail over and over again, turning nothing into something, and the list goes on. The most attractive woman to a guy is the one who is drama-free, the one who just goes with the flow and the one who doesn’t put so much pressure in the relationship.

The first few stages of a budding romance are the most exciting, and if you’re too wrapped up in playing emotional detective, then you won’t get to actually enjoy it! Just stay confident in yourself and trust that he does like you. And if he doesn’t, then you will find someone better who will! The more you over think and invest your time in worrying about him, the more hurt you will be if the relationship fails for whatever reason.

4. Assuming you’re “official” before actually being official

Sometimes it is very difficult for girls to keep their options open when they find Mr. Nice Guy and can’t picture themselves meeting anyone better. They think that just because they hit it off after a couple of dates, that this guy has every quality they want, and so they begin to act like his girlfriend, when in reality, they are not. Just because things are going great and he talks for hours, does not give a relationship any exclusivity! Truth of the matter is that NO man is going to ever willingly make it official and commit to a girl unless he is absolutely sure of it and wanting it. It is in a man’s natural genetics to not want to be tied down and will only commit himself to that special woman when the time is right.

So stop being over dramatic and paranoid that he’s not into you just because he likes other girl’s Instagram pictures or Snapchats with other girls. Do not make nothing into something! If he’s really into you, he will not have to ever put a doubt in your mind and the budding relationship will eventually flourish into a prosperous one!

5. Acting like your life revolves around him

One last turn-off for men is when a woman starts to spend more and more time with him, but feels as if all of a sudden he is the one and only thing going on in her life. When girls begin to abandon their friends, their hobbies and their other life priorities, men begin to see this as an obsession and again, it places too much pressure on them.

Girls need to remember that the reason this guy felt drawn to them in the first place was probably because of the great life they lived. If she abandons that then that attraction and intrigue fades as well. And giving up all these things for him and expecting him to do the same will only end up in him resenting them for reigning in on his freedom.

Do not ever let a man be the sole source of your happiness and fulfillment. Do not ever stop being the girl you were before you met him. When your man sees that you can balance both him and your other sources of happiness, he will feel that his importance is reduced, and therefore start making YOU more important.

A girl should always allow for things to just happen naturally and embrace the uncertainty. When she just enjoys being with him and makes nothing of it, her vibe will be enjoyable to be around, making him want to continue hanging out with her. But as soon as he feels you’re trying to get something out of him too soon, he will want nothing to do.

Although it is healthy to be transparent in any relationship, especially in the first stages, the true winning strategy is to just always bring your best self into the relationship and not stress over it. As soon as you start, remember that if he is truly the one, then it will work out; and if he’s not, then you’ll be free to move on toward someone that is!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Do I Not Screw Up This Relationship!

by Carlyn Hudsonin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.” 

I spent a lot of time in my early to mid-20s being single. I hung out with my girlfriends like it was my job, focused like crazy on my career, and generally, was selfish AF. I also did a bang-up job of dating people that were far from being right for me (an ex pro skateboarder turned corn maze owner, a divorced father of four, a Jimmy John’s bicycle delivery man and a gaggle of musicians come to mind). Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.”

But something has changed in me in the past year. I shudder to admit this, as I used to be cool and detached (I promise!),  but I finally feel ready for something more. I want to know someone, deeply, and I want to fall so hard that I may not know how to pick up the pieces at the end.

Does that make you want to vomit a little? Okay good, me too.

Here’s the scariest part: I may have actually found a person worth all of that. The first few months of my new relationship have been nothing short of incredible, and for the first time in a really long while I can’t blame any issues on “he’s not right for me,” because I kind of think he is. So now, the biggest question is, how the hell do I not screw this up?

Every single day I’m afraid that I already am, because I always have in the past. I have an aching feeling that it’s too good to be true, that he’ll figure out I’m not as great as he thinks I am, the “real” (aka “bad”) me will come out and run him off, that he’ll realize I’m inherently bad at relationships, or worse, that I’m unlovable.

With that in mind, I did a pretty cool thing last night; I created a problem from nothing. I don’t mean to brag, but, this is an area in which I excel in relationships. I’m kind of amazing at it.

It went down like this. We were drifting off to sleep when I realized we were about to go to bed without having sex, a first for us, and instead of rationalizing that it was a long day, we were exhausted, and ya know, we’re humans and not rabbits, my mind went straight to “He thinks I’m ugly and terrible in bed and he’s already bored of me and OH GOD we’re doomed.”

Naturally, I said something passive agressive, he sensed something was wrong, and I completely shut down. I turned my back to him. I played the “nothing’s wrong, I’m fine” game and pouted quietly until all of sudden I realized what I was doing, and I felt terrible.

Then, a miracle happened. Instead of quietly wallowing in self-loathing, I opened up, and I talked to him. I told him how in past relationships I’d felt rejected in this way and was nervous it’d happen again. I said out loud all of the crazy things in my head, like how I push people away when they get too close, or shut people out when I feel vulnerable, and finally the big one: I’m frightened that I inevitably will or already have screwed this amazing relationship up.

But guess what? Another amazing thing happened. I didn’t scare him away. In fact, he said he felt the same and that he was terrified of ruining everything too.

I hugged him, giddily, and realized in that moment that we’re in this together, and that THIS is how you communicate with a partner. My Goddess! Why had no one told me this before?! You talk these things through *in* the moment, before you’re already distant, or breaking up, and it’s too late.

I know that we still have a long way to go. I have a great deal to learn about being a partner, and communicating, and some long-term relationship veterans may be thinking “But you’re still in the honeymoon phase! Of course it’s going well!” To which I’d say, “That’s right, suckers! It’s awesome.” Trust me, over the course of writing this I’ve already thought of 10 new and innovative ways to push him away, or convince him to run far, far away from me. But there’s one thing I’ve promised this man, and that I’ve made him promise me: If we’re going to screw this up, let it be over something real, and not from being scared.

I’ve spent so much of my adult life building up walls and protecting my heart, and for what? So that I can feel in control? So that I won’t get hurt? Sadly, the only person I’ve hurt in that process is me. I don’t want to hide behind my own bullshit anymore. I want to fall, hard. I want to love, and allow myself to be loved by this person so deeply that no matter what happens, I’ll be forever changed. And you know what? I’m ready.

Long Distance Relationships: Do They Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

…being in a long distance relationship, at least for some amount of time, has become a hallmark of modern dating.

Technology has had a huge impact on how we interact and participate in relationships. This goes double for long distance relationships.

The whole concept of LDRs has taken on new meaning thanks to Skype, FaceTime, and iMessage. To say that these types of relationships are “not what they used to be” would be a major understatement. Being in a long distance relationship for some period of time has become a hallmark of modern dating.

When it comes to long distance dating, there are two prevailing opinions that everyone seems to accept. However, they directly contradict each other.

Opinion 1. Are LDRs risky and destined to fail? Most friends and family will likely tell you this before you ignore them and decide to give it a try anyway.

Opinion 2. Or is there actually some truth behind the old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder?

What does the research say?

As it turns out, recent research is on the side of LDR believers. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Communication set out to challenge the notion that long distance relationships are inherently less fulfilling and less sustainable than their geographically-close counterpart. The authors of the study, Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock, found that this type of partnership can actually form stronger bonds, promote deeper communication, and produce greater intimacy than traditional relationships. The reason for this is that long distance couples work harder to communicate affection and intimacy. They generally appreciate each other’s behaviors and actions more.

If this doesn’t convince you, another, more recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy last year found that there were no major differences in outcome predictors of long distance relationships and regular ones. This study, which asked participants to assess and measure the levels of intimacy, commitment, communication, and sexual satisfaction in their relationship, among other things, concluded that LDRs are not actually at a disadvantage.

There is no denying that dating long distance can be stressful, challenging, and oftentimes lonely. This doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s not worth trying. With the help of modern technology, it seems that LDR couples are finding more ways than ever to feel close to each other The extra effort and planning this requires actually brings greater rewards. Additionally, may people find that they are more independent and have more time to themselves. At the same time, they still enjoy the emotional benefits of being in a relationship.

However, there is a caveat…

One caveat to these studies is translating the extra effort and newfound emotional satisfaction back to a short-distance relationship. For a long-distance relationship to really work, the “long distance” part must come to an end at some point. When this happens, it may require some serious readjustment. And, unfortunately, more couples break up within the first three months living back in the same place than they do while living apart.

According to Jiang, long distance couples “tended to idealize their partners’ behaviors, perceiving them as more likely to share personal thoughts and feelings and more responsive to their own thoughts.” While this is beneficial during the time apart, the enhancement of positive feelings about the relationship might actually create false expectations about how things will be when the couple reunites. As Jiang explains, “[t]he positive illusion goes away when they spend more time together.”

While LDRs can foster healthy behaviors in each individual and promote optimistic feelings about the strength and value of the relationship, these things ultimately need to exist in the relationship whether it’s long distance or not. As Andrew Merolla, an associate professor of communication theory, sees it, the strength of a long distance relationship depends on the strength of the relationship itself. As such, the outcome of either is likely going to depend on the couple’s ability to find a balance — whether that means creating a little more space when there isn’t enough, or working to make every interaction count when there’s too much.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Doing Relationships Right Based on Watching My Parents Do It All Wrong

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

I learned that when you remained calm, you could actually have an intelligent conversation and come to an agreement without ever raising your voice. It was groundbreaking.

When I was 5 years old, my dad was using hard drugs and my mom was cheating on him. I don’t know who earned the title of chicken and who of egg, or which came first, but the end result was the same. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional household where everyone was walking on eggshells. It was clearly an environment ill-suited to the healthy development of young kids.

Thankfully, I was too young to remember a lot of it or I blocked it out. Relatives tell me that I didn’t talk for months at a time as a kid (something that’s hard to believe, since my verbosity has more than made up for it since).

My parents eventually had a reckoning, pledged to clean up their act, and decided to try to save their marriage. While they did, in fact, stay together — and as far as I know, got sober and honest — they continued to fight like cats and dogs. The water under the bridge was at constant high tide, sloshing with resentment and distrust. And my brother and I were the innocent fish caught in the fury. I remember having to put on my headphones and blast Gloria Estefan cassette tapes on my boom box just to stay sane and drown out my parents’ constant bickering.

Growing up, there was not a night that went by in my house without raised voices, tear-stained cheeks, and all-around bad feelings. In fact, after more than three decades of nearly constant battling, it’s almost a miracle that my parents are still together. I say “almost,” because it’s possible it would have been better for everyone if they had split.

I know my story isn’t unique. In fact, I personally don’t know anyone who had a “normal” household growing up. Regardless, like many of my peers who survived dysfunctional childhoods, I made a conscious decision the moment I set foot into the adult world at age 18 that I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes my parents made. Of course, like many others, I also went on to make a lot of the same mistakes my parents made. I watched the patterns of dysfunction play out in my dating life throughout my late teens and early 20s, as I picked partners who familiarly reeked of high drama. I set myself up for failure without even realizing I had a choice in the matter.

When I reached my mid-20s and narrowly squeezed out of yet another relationship earmarked by substance abuse and infidelity, I finally caught my breath long enough to realize that I could take control of the situation and shape my own future. I think a part of me knew I had to get these bad experiences under my belt before I could clear the cobwebs enough to realize functionality and happiness were my actual desires for long-term commitment.

Then, I met my now-wife.

I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I WITNESSED WITH MY PARENTS AND REALIZED I HAD BEEN ACTING AS IF I WERE THEM OR SOMEHOW STILL UNDER THEIR SPELL.

From day one, my wife has been a true beacon of normalcy. My love and respect for her was so pure that I knew I had no choice but to get in line and become the partner I was meant to be. Before this relationship, every time tension arose, my default was to erupt in a pile of stinky dysfunction filled with finger-pointing and epithets. But with my wife, I completely changed my conflict patterns and started doing something amazing, instead.

I stopped and allowed myself time to process.

I thought about what I witnessed time and again with my parents and realized I had been acting as if I were them or somehow still under their spell. I told myself that I was my own person. I could rise above this and choose to be the adult in the relationship that I had never observed, but knew in my heart I had always wanted.

So, I did the exact opposite of what I saw my parents do.

I pretended that instead of winning an argument (whatever “winning” means, because there’s really no such thing), my goal was to preserve the sanctity of peace and love between me and this woman I respected the hell out of. I learned that when you remained calm, you could actually have an intelligent conversation and come to an agreement without ever raising your voice. It was groundbreaking.

Every time we resolved a dispute using actual listening and polite words, I felt like I had won the lottery. I could sense myself drifting further and further away from the paradigm that was my parents and the way I thought things had to be.

Over the seven years my wife and I have been together, we’ve raised our voices fewer times than I can count on my hand. That doesn’t mean we’ve repressed issues of importance or ignored problems. It doesn’t mean we’re saints who never face the same problems as every other couple. It just means we make a conscious effort to uphold compassion and respect as our pillars. The rest sort of melts away as less important and we’re able to just talk.

Am I mad at my parents for creating a hostile environment? No. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m grateful my parents showed me exactly what not to do so I could grow up to create the home I had only dreamt of under the drowned sound of yelling and the thump of Gloria Estefan blasting in my ears.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The Married Millennial: What Marriage Isn’t

by RJ Newellin LOVE

The Wedding industry in the United States has an estimated worth of nearly $60 Billion. That may be no surprise, but did you know that the Divorce industry is booming, too?

Recent findings suggest that the Divorce industry’s total worth in the U.S. is $50 Billion or more. It makes sense, then, that most lifestyle websites will have a “Weddings” section and a “Divorce” section, with little to say about the marriage in between.

Marriage isn’t cool, these days. Stable relationships simply don’t make headlines. Hollywood magazines are constantly on the lookout for wedding announcements and breakup scandals. Paparazzi follow newly married celebrity couples, denying them privacy. When the whole world is waiting for them to screw up, is it any wonder that most famous marriages fail?

If our famous role models are divorcing, our parents have been separated, and our newly engaged friends are over-sharing ring selfies left and right, it’s understandable that we have warped ideas of marriage.

To define what marriage actually is, let’s consider what it isn’t.

Marriage is not a blissful horseback ride into the sunset.

Most people do not have their lives figured out, their hearts fully mended, or their finances in perfect shape before tying the knot.

Before I met my husband, I said I would never marry unless I: (1) had become wildly successful, (2) conquered my anxiety, (3) made a million dollars, and (4) owned my own home. But then, I met him…and there went all my plans.

On the other hand – marriage is not a bummer. At all.

Our relationships reflect our inner states – and how you value your partner shouldn’t change just because you’re married. Happy unions are not as rare as you’d think. People who are genuinely happy with their partners are actually less likely to talk about it on social media, or in public. Unhappy people, on the other hand, are much louder about their dissatisfaction. Marriage, by itself, does not make people unhappy. Life does. It’s been said to “Never take advice from someone you wouldn’t trade places with.” This applies to marriage tips, too.

Marriage is not about “settling” or compromising on your dreams.

Sure, my checklist didn’t happen in the order in which I planned it, but since being with my husband, I’ve accomplished more than ever before. He encourages me – and because we have similar goals, we work well as a team. You don’t have to be alone in order to achieve your dreams, as long as your partner is truly supportive.

If you expect your partner to set aside their goals in order to make the relationship work, this is a problem. If you’re thinking that marriage will change your partner (or you), it won’t.

Marriage is not about you.

It’s not your partner’s job to make you happy – it’s yours. We all have problems, but your spouse can only do so much. There’s a reason why people say the first year is the hardest: our personal expectations almost never match the reality of a lifelong partnership. Nobody “fixes” us.

When we date, we often present the perfect package. We offer the best versions of ourselves – and this is not a bad thing. Unfortunately, there are two sides to every coin, and you need to be willing to work on your issues. Marriage brings only one guarantee, and that’s vulnerability. It is a commitment to working on yourself, while encouraging your partner in their journey.

Marriage is not the end of freedom – not anymore.

I can’t tell you how many people asked me “why?” when I said I was getting married in my early twenties. There’s an outdated image of a 1940’s housewife begrudging her chores, and a 1940’s husband who’s dying to cheat on her.

It’s 2016, people! Marriage has changed as much as we have. My partner has a career, and so do I. He has friends, and I have mine. We do fun things together, and have no qualms about going places on our own. Nowadays, people can get married because we want to. Not because we have to.

Marriage is not the end of sex, or dating.

The longer you’re together, the more opportunities there are to be creative. Being married is not an excuse for complacency. You may not sweep your partner off their feet every day, but don’t forget to make them feel valued. Intimacy is only as important as you make it…So make it important.

Marriage is not everything.

My relationship with my husband is number one to me. But if I don’t have a life outside of our marriage, it’s unhealthy. Maybe that’s why marriage doesn’t make headlines: we’re all just people living our lives. It’s not as glamorous as a wedding, or as dramatic as a divorce, but I like this better. Much better.

In the end, Marriage is what you make it.

It’s like any other thing, except it involves another person who is equally important and committed. Marriage might have changed in meaning, but love itself has not. Commitment relies on communication in order to thrive.

Marriage looks different on everyone. Choose your own adventure.

There are countless variations to the traditional marriage model. In the Western World, gender roles don’t matter the way they used to. Women can choose to have careers, or stay at home – and so can men. These days, most of us get married for love, and having children is optional. Some couples live together, and some live apart. Monogamy is a choice between two people, and some marriages skip it altogether. Regardless of gender, religion, race, sexual orientation, married or unmarried, we all deserve to love – and be loved – in the way that’s right for us.