Tag: relationship

30 Sexy Fantasies To Turn Into Reality

by zfortadminin Sex

Make your own fireworks with these steamy fantasies!

Because a sex life filled with imagination is a better one.

Whether you’ve been together for two years or sixteen, you know how important passion is in your relationship. But did you know how key fantasies are in having a happy relationship? Being able to communicate your desires to your partner, keep things new and add imagination to sex will do wonders for you—both in the bedroom and outside.

And you’re not alone: About 95 percent of people report that they have sexual fantasies. According to a study conducted at the University of Granada, “women have pleasant romantic fantasies more frequently than men—a few times a month. Men, however, fantasize more frequently about sexcapades involving “being promiscuous”, “being a swinger”,”participating in an orgy.”

But don’t let these preferences hold you back, there are tons of fantasies to try with your significant other. Shares your desires, experiment and discover out what works best for you both as a couple.

You may surprise yourself—and get closer to your partner in the process.

1. Boss & Employee Fantasy
Just a few months ago, we told you that 56 percent of women and 61 percent of men have sexual fantasies about getting it on with coworkers in their office. So why not dress up in your work attire, get behind the desk and re-create the hot new hookup scenario that’s been on your mind? The allure of having sex with a coworker, especially your boss has to do with power—gaining it.

2. Ravishment Fantasy
According to a study from UCLA, 64 percent of women fantasize about this passionate and forceful kind of love. Why? Researchers felt that by imagining the man telling her what to do, the woman is able to give herself “permission to do the raunchy, hot sex stuff she feels a little embarrassed about, but deep down really does want to try.”

Now does the Fifty Shades Of Grey frenzy make more sense to you? YourTango expert Tammy Nelson explains that being ravished makes sense on an anatomical level for women, too. “A woman has to physically let go in order to orgasm.”

3. Storybook Lover Fantasy
This fantasy is more based on love that can be found in romance novels than the kind that takes place in the Victorian era. See how one woman’s sex dream came true when she told her boyfriend about her Clark Kent fantasy.

4. Be An Exhibitionist 
In his study of sexual fantasy, Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?, Brett Kahr found 19 percent of people fantasize about being watched during sex — and another 5 percent fantasize about taking it off in public. In for the risk? Put on a show. Get it on near the windows in your home or hotel room.

5. Be Voyeuristic
Does watching the show from the sidelines turn you on? Whether you’re spying on the neighbors or the couple getting it on at the beach, this fantasy is a common one. One easy way to make it happen? Go to nude beach or a sex show with your partner.

6. Watch Each Other Masturbate
Put a twist on your voyeuristic fantasy by watching your partner masturbate — or let them watch you. It will help them understand more of what you desire, and of course, it’s an instant turn on.

7. The Stranger Fantasy
Sharing a fantasy for the very first time? Here’s an easy one both men and women enjoy. There’s something sexy and mysterious about anonymity. In fact, the LELO Global Sex Survey discovered that having sex with a stranger is on the rise this year. Easy way to get in on the trend? Turn yourselves into strangers. For as long as you’ve known your partner, pretend you don’t. Different clothes, new hairstyles, different personalities, different names. Start by meeting at the bar and then take your new friend home — keep in character the entire time.

8. Make A Sex Video
Listen up, fellas, while you may be the more visual sex, women are interested in porn, too. A Stanford University study found that women reach peak arousal after just two minutes into an erotic flick. According to Men’s Health, it’s not just celebrities who want to make sex tapes — 40 percent of women want to made a homemade flick with their partners. In 2012, 28 percent of women made a sex video with their guy and in 2014, that number is expected to climb to 52 percent. So get on it while it’s hot. After you watch it make sure to hide it safely or quickly delete it.

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His 9 Pleasure Triggers to Sexual Bliss

by zfortadminin Sex

Have you explored these zones? 

As you know, the male body is definitely a hotbed of feel-good zones. But now experts are saying there are nine special, cream-of-the-crop spots that do double duty when it comes to sexual gratification. We’re talking about passion points hiding in plain sight that even he may not be clued in to. Touching and teasing them the right way will turn on all of his senses and make him feel so good, he’ll think he’s gone to pleasure heaven. “These are places on his body that are literal hot spots, loaded with supersensitive nerve endings that instantly rev him up when stimulated,” explains Patti Britton, PhD, Los Angeles-based clinical sexologist and author of the The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sensual Massage. Here, check out our guide to those nine naughty triggers, as well as the specific lick, squeeze and stroke technique for each that will send him into orgasmic overdrive.

The Outside of His Lower Lip

The male mouth is an obvious moan zone. But zeroing in on that slope between his outside lower lip and chin will bring ultraintense bliss to his kisser. We’ve discovered that this tiny, delicate curve is packed with extrasensitive nerve receptors, says Lou Paget, author of The Big O and a certified sex educator.

Manhandle-him move: While making out, suck his lower lip into your mouth. Use the tip of your tongue to stroke up and down mere millimeters below it. “That motion stimulates the whole erogenous zone in a teasing way, which will put him on the erotic edge,” says Paget. “And by keeping his lower lip inside yours, you magnify the sensation. It’ll feel as if electric currents are shooting from his mouth straight to his member.”
Topless couple indulging in foreplay with woman licking man's th

The Front of His Neck

Women tend to pay oral attention to the sides of his neck between his ear and his collar — but it turns out they’re missing the major stimulation spot: just below his Adam’s apple. “The thyroid, a butterfly-shaped gland about halfway down the front of his neck, is closely linked to the sex organs, according to ancient Chinese medicine,” says reflexologist Master Mantak Chia, author of Sexual Reflexology.

Manhandle-him move: Have your guy lie on his back with a pillow plumped behind his head so his neck is exposed and slightly arched forward. Warm him up by brushing your wet lips against the hollow of his throat. Next, run the soft flat of your tongue straight up until you’re licking his Adam’s apple. The thyroid is just beneath it; dip down and pause here and massage the area in wide circular motions with your tongue. “Teasing him in circles ensures that you excite the entire thyroid, so he gets maximum pleasure,” says Chia. He’ll be so hot and bothered, he’ll gurgle your name in gratitude.

His Nipples

You know that your nipples are a carnal command center. Yet experts found your guy’s headlights might be even more sensitive, since most men aren’t used to having these sexy switches lavished with attention. “For a lot of men, their nipples are uncharted territory — an erogenous zone they haven’t experimented with,” explains Britton. Touch them, however, and you’ll send shock waves of pleasure radiating through him, she adds.

Manhandle-him move: Our ultimate manipulation trick is called the ice cream swirl. While he’s stretched out on his back, “slowly lick in a circle starting outside his areola, circling closer toward the nipple as you would an ice cream cone,” says Britton. Keep tantalizing him by zeroing in closer with your tongue. Finally, quickly flick the nipple, then very gently bite it. “Men love when you slowly build up the pressure like that,” she says. So don’t be afraid to nip him harder than you would like to be.

To up the erotic ante, suck on an ice cube before you begin. Your cold tongue will supercharge the concentrated cluster of nipple nerve endings.

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Unleash Your Sexual Goddess, Regain Your Confidence

by zfortadminin Sex

There are many ways to connect to sexiness that don’t require sex!

Married women can rediscover their sexual confidence via their bodies and brains.

Let’s talk about sex and marriage—they do go together, don’t they? Not if you ask many of my clients. In fact, it seems like the number of marriages with little or no sex is increasing.

Sexless marriage is not a new phenomenon. In a 2005 Family Circle national survey, 21 percent of married women said their sex lives were boring and routine, 21 percent reported having no sex life at all, and almost 50 percent said they had no desire to have sex with their partner.

Where are all of the sexually confident women, and why have they disappeared? Many of my female clients considered themselves sexual goddesses in their single lives. What makes a woman go from a spirited, sexual single woman to a bored, frustrated married one? The Truth About Sexless Marriage

Top View Of Playful Young Couple Enjoying In Bed

Here’s the answer: These former sexual goddesses are sleeping next to the same partner night after night, wondering where their desire has gone and if it will ever return. Their partners are no longer pursuing them like they did when they were dating, and they feel ugly from childbirth and aging. After a while they decide that their unsatisfying sex life is normal, and is the price you pay for a stable relationship and strong family. Little by little their sexual lives become as dry and tasteless as an old piece of toast. Where’s the butter?
There are many reasons married women lose their sexual confidence. Let’s explore two of the main issues: the body and the mind.

beautiful plus size woman diving in pool

First, your body. It’s hard to feel beautiful with a postpartum body, complete with stretch marks, flabby tummies and a chest that has gone south. Add to that the fact that many women use food to medicate emotional pain while comparing themselves to air-brushed models, and it’s no wonder that married women feel inadequate.

Let me tell you something I’ve learned from working with hundreds of couples, and from hearing husbands talk frankly about their wives: Men do not care about your postpartum body. They DO care about your sexual expression.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Rekindle Your Relationship And Fall In Love Again

by zfortadminin LOVE

Great way to get sparks flying!

Stop reading for a moment, and think back to the first few weeks after you met your spouse or love partner.

Actually try to visualize an early date where you were cuckoo for CoCo Puffs about this amazing person. And they felt the same about you.

Remember how it felt falling in love, how happily distracted you were, how you couldn’t wait to see her — how everything he said was interesting and funny.

Remember how you felt the two of you were special? Meant for each other. Destined to be together.

And now . . . not so much.

Now you’ve been together for a while — maybe years. And the bloom is off the rose. What was once endearing or funny now gets under your skin like a bad rash. The differences you found so appealing now divide you like a knife. It’s past time to rekindle your relationship.

Frustration, resentments, hurt feelings, and unmet needs are always simmering just below the surface. One wrong word, one sideways glance, one exasperated sigh is all it will take to cause the lid to blow. And blow it has — many times. Too many times to count.

Bickering is a daily sport and full-blown fights dot the landscape of your marriage like bleeding soldiers on a battlefield. Whether your particular fighting style is a head-spinning screaming match or a silent treatment freeze-out, both of you are exhausted, hurting, and so tired of living this way.

How did it come to this? What happened to the joy, the fun times together, the great sex, the intimate talks? Where are those two people who fell so head-over-heels in love?

If you spend more time in your love life fighting or feeling angry, hurt, or resentful than you do enjoying the connection, then it’s past time to take action. Right now you must do something about it if you want to save the relationship.

Here are some ideas on how to rekindle your relationship and fall in love again:

Do you really want to stay?

Before you begin working the relationship, be very, very honest with yourself.

Do you really want this marriage to work?

Are you invested in it enough that you’re willing to make some changes?

Do you truly want to have a happy, healthy, intimate connection with this particular person?

If the answer is no, and you’ve been with this person a long time, go to counseling anyway to be absolutely sure it’s not just your anger clouding your judgment. Get professional support to help you navigate this huge decision whether to end the marriage or not.

However, if the answer is yes, and you know with certainty you want the relationship to work, then read on.

Remember the foundational premise

Both  you and your spouse or partner must embrace this foundational premise: your relationship together takes priority over everything else in your life.

That includes your children, your parents, your friends, your work, your hobbies, your chores, your television, your computer, and your egos.

The relationship itself must be viewed as a separate living, breathing force that the two of you are charged with care taking. I’m not suggesting you lose your individuality. But as two individuals, you are jointly responsible for nurturing your connection as you would your child.

If your relationship isn’t solid, everything else in your life will be negatively impacted. Your happiness as a couple is essential to the security and happiness of your children, your job performance, and your mental health.

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Should Relationships End?

by Riley Silvermanin LOVE

Not too long ago I had to listen to a lecture for work reasons that was about the topic of whether or not it was a good idea for a couple to live together before they got married.  The lecture was skewed towards people of faith, so the natural conclusion was that it wasn’t better.  Rather than fall back on the old standard of living in sin, however, the speaker backed his position up with actual numbers, citing evidence that the divorce rates for people who got married after living together were significantly higher for those who “shacked up” versus those who didn’t make Jesus cry. Thus, those who wait till marriage are more likely to have a successful marriage.

These numbers, I should point out, are fiercely debated and a quick Google search on them yields hundreds of different articles questioning what other factors, like age, economics, etc., could have a stronger correlation to the divorce rates than the shacking up does.  I would also argue that a factor to consider is that the very people who would wait till marriage to live together out of fear of their parents or God or both, are the same people who probably aren’t too likely to consider getting a divorce as a really viable option either.  So of course those people have lower divorce rates. But do they necessarily have happier marriages, or are they just more likely to stay in a bad marriage because they won’t consider a divorce?

What if, and just come with me on this, what if we completely threw out the idea that the single greatest marker of a successful marriage, or any relationship, is that it doesn’t end? It seems crazy, I know, but just think about it.  Each and every one of us probably has at least one great relationship in our past with someone who we ultimately didn’t end up staying with.  What if that wasn’t a failed relationship, but was actually a resounding success? …a resounding success that just happened to end at some point.

Maybe, just maybe, the very real possibility exists that great successful but ultimately short-term relationships are not only possible, but in many, many cases they are so by design.  I could think of the amazing, five month long relationship I had with a woman named Hilary that started in 2009 and ended in 2010 when I moved to Los Angeles as a failure I suppose but I don’t see it that way.  I think the two of us helped each other through a strange transitional moment in both of our lives. It was beautiful while it lasted and then it came to an end when it had to.  I can think of the fact that my parents’ marriage, which is going on forty years’ strong, is not my father’s first marriage, and the fact that I wouldn’t exist if he and his first wife had felt they had to make it work.

So often we let the culture teach us that ending a relationship is the result of a personal failure on our part.  We didn’t work hard enough, we didn’t make the right effort, we were too selfish, etc.  And maybe that’s true sometimes.  But I think the reality is that humans are complicated beings with more and more complicated lives and sometimes we’re so complicated that what is best for us one year might not be the next, or five, ten, fifty years down the road.  Sometimes no amount of work, no amount of attention, will make a relationship last.  Sometimes separating from your partner is the most loving thing you can do.

Doctor Who Taught Me 6 Things About Love

by Riley Silvermanin LOVE

I live as the intersection of a hopeless romantic and die hard geek.  So as obsessed as I am with Doctor Who and as much as I tune into the long running British sci-fi series to watch an anachronistic man fight off salt shakers armed with plungers and egg beaters, sometimes I learn a thing or two.

Here’s just a few things I’ve learned about relationships from the travels of my favorite Time Lord.

  • You can survive your partner’s “regeneration.”

So just about fifty years ago, the partners that be at the BBC concocted a strategy to continue the massively successful series without William Hartnell, the actor portraying him.  His health had begun to interfere with his performance, and they were left with the issue of having to replace the main character.  Their genius move, later dubbed “regeneration,” was to give the character the ability to regenerate, taking on a completely different face and personality.  This move gave the show the ability to grow and change with eras, and is directly responsible for its longevity.

Now, there’s no scientific evidence that human beings can regenerate, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t change.  We grow, we evolve, we discover different things about the world.  We go through profound experiences that alter our personalities.  On the show, companions who witness the Doctor they knew change faces have difficulty adjusting to the new Doctor, unsure if he’s the man they once knew.  This is a pretty relatable sensation for anyone who has known or loved someone for a long time.  How many times have you heard the phrase “He’s not the man I married.”? But just like the characters on the show, we can actually survive the changes in our partner.  When we love and care for someone, we learn to love the way they grow as a person.  If we plan to enter a long term relationship, this is exactly what we’re signing up for, to grow together on a shared journey through time and space.

  • Bow ties are cool.

Every Doctor has his wardrobe eccentricities, and the Eleventh Doctor, portrayed by Matt Smith, had his bow tie. He felt they were cool and he made great effort to make sure we knew that at every opportunity. It was a silly little embellishment that may or may not have been well received by his companions.  Or his wife. Like the Doctor and his bow tie, we all have some little quirks, interests, and hobbies that drive our significant other absolutely bonkers. And our partner has some that do the same to us. But love isn’t about having someone who fits the absolute perfect package and hits every mark on some cosmic checklist. Love is about finding someone who may have a thing or two that doesn’t quite click with you and loving them anyway, or even because of those quirks.

  • The past isn’t always great but the future is in flux.

Anyone who has gone back and tried to watch the classic episodes of Doctor Who prior to the 2005 reboot may discover something: a lot of them are really, really hard to sit through. It can be tough talking to someone who grew up watching the series, because their memories are painted by the nostalgia of their childhood, while my viewing is hard to always reconcile with the modern show that I love. When we meet someone new and develop a relationship with them, sometimes we learn a thing or two about their past that gives us pause.  There may be some things about their history that they aren’t proud of or even regret.  It’s important to remember though that the past is exactly that.  We don’t have a time traveling police box that will let us change history. What’s important instead is to see the person you love now as a result of those old growing pains, and maybe eventually love them as the building blocks they are for who that person is today, and for the future you’ll have together.

  • I just want a mate.

All talk of friendzones aside, sometimes it actually is better to be friends with someone than to have a romantic relationship with them.  Doctor Who returned in 2005 with the early seeds of a romantic subplot between the Doctor and the first new companion, Rose.  As epic as that love story became, and as much as it tied back into the 50th Anniversary special that aired years later, there’s something to be said for the power of a great friendship.  Rose has her place in Doctor Who history, as does the unrequited pining Martha who replaced her, but when things got too dark for the Doctor, what he needed was “a mate,” and he got it in Donna Noble, the brash temp from Chiswick played by Catherine Tate.  The next few companions all moved along the same lines, Amy Pond flirted occasionally but her heart belonged to Rory, and Clara Oswald was shakily written as a romantic interest for Matt Smith’s Eleventh Doctor, not truly shining until she bonded as the closest trusted ally of Peter Capaldi’s Twelfth.  Romantic love is amazing, but sometimes what we need is a friend who we can trust, and have unwavering faith in.

  • The Girl Who Waited and The Last Centurion, aka Patience, Patience, Patience.

“Okay kid, this is where it gets complicated.” Amy Pond was a little girl who met a mad man with a box called the Doctor, who she didn’t see again until she was an adult, making her “The Girl Who Waited.”  Adult Amy has a boyfriend, later husband, who was turned into a plastic double of himself and then also waited outside a box for her for over a thousand years dressed as a Roman Centurion, aka “The Last Centurion.”  What does all this mean? Simple: Patience.

Sometimes we feel an immediate need to rush into something or feel the intense desire for instant gratification.  But I know speaking from personal experience, I’ve ruined many a good thing by being too eager, or by being unable to wait patiently.  Love can’t be rushed.  Even if you had an actual time machine, you couldn’t skip right to the end because the journey, the anticipation, that’s all part of.

  • “The name you choose, it’s like a promise you make.”

The Doctor’s real name is not The Doctor.  The line above is what he tells his companion Clara during the season 7 finale episode “The Name of the Doctor.”  He talks about his name like it’s an ideal, a reminder of the person he’s supposed to be.  Many of the other things on this list have to do with external expectations and actions.  This one is all about ourselves.  For years when I was younger, I wanted a girlfriend.  I wanted to be in a relationship because the concept of that appealed to me.  But I was young, foolish and someone who was silly enough to let her ideas of romance be influenced by the movies and TV shows she watched.

Now I’m 33, probably still a bit foolish, but I know that love is not about having something.  Love is about being something.  It isn’t that I should want to have a girlfriend or a wife, it’s that I want to *be* a girlfriend or wife.  That I want to be the kind of person worthy of someone’s love, that I want to take on the responsibility of sharing their life, of joining it with mine. Being someone’s partner is a promise you make to them, but just as importantly, it’s a promise you make to yourself.

Tips for Couples to Achieve a Long-Lasting Intimate Relationship

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” -~Sam Keen

Before I married my wonderful husband, I dated a lot of men. For most of my 20s (and even my early 30s) I had a perfect fairy-ideal of what romantic love was, probably because I was an actress and loved drama back then.

It took years for me to realize a relationship is not a romance movie.

At some point in our lives, we may believe that love should be like the kind of romance we see portrayed in films, television, and novels.

For some reason, I always thought my romantic relationships were less if I did not experience this kind of fairy-tale relationship. Maybe this is why I kept meeting frogs.

At times, I bought into the belief that if I had a relationship with the perfect prince, then all would be well in my life. I thought, Now, I will be safe forever.

In truth, I did marry a prince—but a prince who is also human, who has faults and issues just like every person, no matter how wonderful he is.

At some point I grew up and learned to let go of the crazy metaphor of romantic love in order to find true happiness. Yes, I was disappointed to realize that the knight riding through the night to save the damsel in distress is a fallacy. It’s a bummer.

But, let’s look at it in this light: We all saw Romeo and Juliet and Titanic. Why stories like these make our hearts sing is that the love is unrequited. Unavailability fuels the romantic expression.

This kind of romantic story can only work when there is an absence of the lover. Sometimes, they have to die in the end in order for their love to fit into this romantic view. Or, we eat handfuls of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after, and we rarely find out if they really do.

The romantic love fantasy is really a substitute for intimacy—real, connected, vulnerable intimacy.

So then, how do we make relationships work and stay happy?

We begin with the understanding of what pure love is, and then redefine and update the romantic fairytale into a healthier type of love.

Here are 10 ways to create true intimacy, find pure love, and be truly happy in your relationship:

1. Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within.

Relationships aren’t about having another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and becoming “one,” you learn as Rainer Maria Rilke says, to love the distances in relationship as much as the togetherness.

2. See your partner for who he or she really is.

The romantic tragedy occurs when you view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent, the idea of them. When you realize that more often than not you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how they change and evolve.

3. Be willing to learn from each other.

The key is to see the other as a mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to what has yet to be healed in yourself.

4. Get comfortable being alone.

In order to accept that love can’t rescue you from being alone, learn to spend time being with yourself. By feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship, you will feel more complete, happy, and whole.

5. Look closely at why a fight may begin.

Some couples create separateness by fighting and then making up over and over again. This allows you to continue the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you become aware of what you fear about intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and likely will fight far less.

6. Own who you are.

We generally grasp at romantic love because we’re yearning for something that is out of reach, something in another person that we don’t think we possess in ourselves. Unfortunately, when we finally get love, we discover that we didn’t get what we were looking for.

True love only exists by loving yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.

7. Embrace ordinariness.

After the fairy-dust start of a relationship ends, we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ordinariness can become the real “juice” of intimacy. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and does, become extraordinary.

8. Expand your heart.

One thing that unites us is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way. To create real intimacy, get in touch with the spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you.

It’s easier to recognize the good in your partner when you’re connected to the good in yourself.

9. Focus on giving love.

Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves because other people love us; it’s more about how well we have loved ourselves and others. The unintentional outcome of loving others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.

10. Let go of expectations.

You may look to things such as romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself, you put your sense of security in someone else.

Draw upon your own inner-resources to offer love, attention, and nurturance to yourself when you need it. Then you can let love come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like.

These are only a few ways to explore real intimacy. How do you create a loving connection in your relationship?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Does Age Really Matter in a Relationship?

by Lorraine Rockin LOVE

Statistically speaking most people form relationships with people close to their own age.

If you look around you, you will most likely find that your friends, neighbours and relatives are in relationships with people between two to 7 years older or younger than they themselves are.

Women have traditionally married men a couple of years older. There are a few rational reasons for this. In the past a woman wanted someone who was a bit more established than she was, and anecdotally men want to wait longer before they have families.

In my own life I have dated men up to 16 years older than I am, and also men up to 9 years younger. The younger I was it seemed, the older my partner was!

When I was 18 I had a 2 year relationship with a man of 34. He was just 10 years younger than my Dad, and was actually friends with him. I benefitted from his maturity, but eventually found the relationship a bit stifling. We were both volunteers for St. John’s Ambulance, and that was the only thing we really had in common.

During the time I was dating the older guy, I met a man of 22, and we had an on-off relationship for a couple of years. In many ways I was the more mature of the two of us, he was a musician and a bit of a skirt-chaser. The advantage of the relationship was that we had so much in common. We both enjoyed the same kind of music, and with that as a background would talk into the wee hours of the morning over endless cups of coffee, with our gang of mutual friends. My first really long term relationship was also with someone virtually my own age. We had similar backgrounds, similar interests, and in most ways were a perfect fit.

When that relationship broke down, I played the field for a few years and dated both younger and older men. Each age group seemed to have some advantages, younger men were mostly energetic, adorable and a tad insecure, awed by your profound knowledge! but had a totally different frame of reference. Older men were more likely to nurture and want to protect little old you, but tended to want to be “in charge”!

I remember telling one of my younger dates (He was 21, I was 30.) that I had gone to see the World’s Fair with friends, he replied that his parents had taken him – he had been 9, I had been 18, literally double his age! His tastes in music were vastly different, and his idea of a good time was dancing the night away at a party, my taste was maturing into an appreciation of Wine and Fine Dining!

My affection for him was almost condescending, and I did not like that he brought that out in me. I also found that men of my own age, despite the natural differences in personality, at least understood the same social and political references, and had seen the same movies that I had seen!

I had noticed that in many May/September romances of any kind, it is the power imbalance that strains the relationship, so if that is evened out in some way, by money, prestige, or even just personality, then relative power is not an issue.

In my opinion, similarity in tastes and experience is more important than age; but you are much more likely to find those similarities in someone fairly close to your own age. As you age, the gap can actually widen a bit. A 50 year old woman and a 40 year old man (or vice versa) probably have much experience in common, and, in North America at least, maturity is a great leveller.

Each relationship is unique, of course, what works for one is not necessarily good for another.

Problems due to different tastes can be worked through if both parties are willing to compromise. There are mature 20 year-olds, and immature 40 year-olds. As with any aspect of a relationship it works if you both really want it to. Just look at Madonna! – or maybe that’s not a good example.

Age may be just a number, and we are all as old as we feel, or as young as we look,  Right now I am married to a man who is 6 months my junior, but looks and acts his age, whereas I look and act 10 years younger! The older I get it seems that age becomes just demographic information, and inside my head I can remember being 19, which makes me younger than my children!

Our Guilt and How It Can Ruin Relationships

by Sunah Bilstedin RELATIONSHIPS

guilt

noun \ˈgilt\

: Responsibility for a crime or for doing something bad or wrong

: A bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong

Full Definition of GUILT

1

:  The fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly :  guilty conduct

2

a :  the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously

b :  feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy:  self-reproach

3

:  a feeling of culpability for offenses

Guilt. Above is Merriam Webster’s definition of this complex emotion but no dictionary can truly encapsulate how the guilt experience affects our lives or relationships. Psychologists have been picking it apart for decades, with our old pal Sigmund Freud leading the pack. Guilt can create immense internal conflict, whether it’s the result of repressed childhood sexual desire for your parents (thanks Freud, you lunatic), religion (thanks God, you judgmental mystery), or a strongly disciplined childhood (thanks parents, you fear mongers). Triggered by a real event, an imagined event, the fear of a possible event, the event of an event, WHATEVER, I think that all this guilt we’re feeling is actually making us selfish. The bad kind of selfish, not the new and improved healthy sage burning self-love kinda selfish.

One of the more popular of human emotions, the high school quarterback of cognitive experiences, we’ve been taught to rely on guilt to serve as our conscience, our barometer of goodness as a person. In its purest form, it’s credited for things like stopping us from murdering people in traffic all day long. In a less pure form, we credit it for preventing us from doing things like cheat on your sweetheart, or your math test, or your taxes.

But I have an issue with what I perceive as the religion of guilt and here’s why; because rather than it being something that you let hold you accountable for actual mistakes or inspires communication around perceived mistakes, guilt tends to topple you instead with an even worse thing. Self-absorption.

Because your guilt is about you, you and oh, also more you. It breeds a climate of self-loathing, and when you’re floating in that dirty bathwater, you’re unlikely to get out in time to focus on the reality of the other person’s experience before drowning in your own feelings of inadequacy. Much more fun to poor-me yourself right out of taking personal responsibility and directly into an enclave of selfishness.

So often guilt doesn’t do what it should, like force you reach out to apologize, or take action to fix a situation you created. Instead, it tends to shut us down or worse, lash out and blame them for “making you” feel guilty. Is this a side effect of our gruesome quest towards perfection? Do you think you’re perfect? Why else would you think you’re not entitled to make mistakes?

Recently a friend was going through a really hard time. I’m a proud member of the procrastination party, so I kept pushing off the phone call that I genuinely wanted to make. The more days that passed, the guiltier I felt. Then more days. More guilt. More me feeling shitty. Less her feeling special. I was too busy worrying about my guilt that my friend’s needs melted into my personal narrative. I finally called. When she asked me why I had waited so long, I told her that I was sorry, that I had felt guilty for two weeks. I don’t understand, she said. If you felt so guilty, why didn’t you call?? Because guilt MAKES ME A SELFISH JERKFACE DON’T YOU GET IT WEIRDO?

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Gratitude: Can It Save Your Relationship?

by zfortadminin Mind

One of the first life lessons little kids are taught is to always say, “thank you.”

When someone does something nice for you, you thank them. It’s a concept that is drummed into our heads starting at the age of about two. But you’ll notice that saying thanks doesn’t come easy. Very rarely does a kid remember to say it – it usually follows a prompt by a parent…now what do you say? And it never gets easier.

Gratitude doesn’t come easily or naturally to most of us; rather, it’s a skill that needs to be honed and crafted. But when you get it down, it can literally change your life. Countless studies have demonstrated that expressing gratitude can vastly increase our physical and emotional well-being.
Gratitude can also have enormous implications for your relationship…and your ability to find love if you aren’t currently in a relationship. When both partners see the good in one another and feel appreciative, the relationship is filled with love, connection, and harmony. When both partners focus on what the other isn’t doing and take each other for granted, the relationship is filled with resentment, frustration, and bitterness.

The truth is, a good relationship starts with you. When you bring positivity and happiness into the relationship, your partner will rise up to match and then your relationship will flourish. I’m not saying the responsibility is on the woman – it goes both ways. But the only person you can control is yourself.

If you want your life and your relationship to improve, you can’t blame circumstances or your partner. Instead, you need to take responsibility and make internal changes that lead to external ones. And the most important lesson is that of giving thanks.

Read on to find out how it’s done and why it’s so important.

Why Is It So Hard?

Life can tear a lot of us down. As the years go by, bitter experiences pile up and our hearts become shrouded with hurt and pain. The more jaded we become, the harder it is to see beyond the darkness and feel thankful for anything. A lot of us become the victims of our own lives and we feel justified in it. We blame our parents, our upbringing, the boy who broke our heart, the bad economy. I’m not saying none of it is valid, but when you dwell on all the bad hands you’ve been dealt, you fuel the fire of anger and resentment and this only makes for an even more miserable experience.

When it comes to relationships, expressing gratitude can be even more challenging because the stakes are so much higher. Romantic relationships can cause many emotions to rise to the surface…some are good and exhilarating, and some are bad and rooted in pain from the past. All of us look at life through a lens that is colored by our own experiences and we form certain expectations as a result. When you measure a guy against this code of expected behavior, he will always fall short and you will always feel disappointed. The reason he’ll fall short is because no one can get it right every single time. He isn’t a mind reader and he has been shaped by a whole different set of experiences.

When you think a guy should do something, and if he doesn’t it means he doesn’t care, then you ignore all the things he does that show he does care and get all riled up because of a few things that you (or rather, your unconscious mind) think a man should do when he loves a woman. You feel hurt and unloved and might start blaming him for “making” you feel a certain way. When you’re in this head space, you will not be able to appreciate anything he does and will silently resent him for not doing more. He can text you back promptly every single time and you will still get upset the one time he takes a little longer to get back to you.

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You May Need Relationship Therapy and Here’s Why

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

In early 2015, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard opened up to the media about the key to their happy marriage: couples therapy. Their advice? You shouldn’t wait until there are signs you need couple’s therapy. You should start from the beginning.

“You do better in the gym with a trainer; you don’t figure out how to cook without reading a recipe. Therapy is not something to be embarrassed about,” Bell said, according to US Weekly.

You don’t have to have the insight at the very beginning of your relationship to benefit from couple’s therapy. There’s never a bad time to learn better ways to communicate and deal with conflict.

As a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate and Planned Parenthood Certified Responsible Sexuality Educator, I’ve counseled couples who have run the gamut from mostly happy to inches from fleeing to different countries. Many of the problems they thought were insurmountable really weren’t. They just didn’t have the tools they needed to tackle their problems or the courage to be truly honest.

Here are some of the most common reasons couples sought out counseling, in case you’re on the fence. And if you are on the fence, there’s no rule that says you have to keep going back.

1. Your Or Your Partner Is Pregnant

 

There’s arguably nothing that will change your relationship more than having children. You need to share love and attention, live with no sleep, quadruple your responsibilities, and keep another living being alive. The fatigue alone is enough to make you less-than-pleasant, to say the least. Plus, you have to deal with changing bodies, a new budget… the list goes on. Having someone else to talk it out with can make your transition much smoother.

2. There’s A Lack Of Sex

 

If you’re having a lack of sex that’s more than the common occasional dry spell, you could be feeling disconnected from your partner. Talking to a therapist can help you reconnect, or explore other contributing problems, like lack of self-esteem, poor time-management, or boredom. And if your low sex drive is medical, your therapist can help point you to the medical resources you need.

3. For That One Lingering Problem

 

All couples have problems and disagreements, and sometimes they have to agree to disagree. Some problems, however, aren’t as simple as being willing to look the other way. If one of you wants children and the other doesn’t, for example, you may need help navigating that issue. If you can’t agree on anything, your therapist can teach you how to compromise and make sure you’re making decisions fairly.

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Relationship Experts’ Crash Course in Sustaining an Amazing Relationship

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

If binge-watching Gilmore Girls,Scandal, or The Good Wife has taught us anything, it’s that relationships are messy. Personal experience proves it too: From our eighth-grade romance to our most recent breakup drama, “love isn’t easy” is a life lesson we know all too well.

No matter your status—single, dating, engaged, or married—relationships take work. And whether they end with tears and empty Ben & Jerry’s or last until forever may depend upon countless factors, but your own actions, words, and thoughts undoubtedly play a role.

One thing that’ll give you an advantage in the game of love? Soaking up all the wisdom you can from relationship therapists, researchers, matchmakers, and more. Here, we’ve distilled it down to the very best advice 15 experts have learned. Regardless of your personal situation, their words may help you uncover the key to long-lasting happiness.

1. Do or say something daily to show your appreciation.

“Saying and doing small, simple expressions of gratitude every day yields big rewards. When people feel recognized as special and appreciated, they’re happier in that relationship and more motivated to make the relationship better and stronger. And when I say simple, I really mean it. Make small gestures that show you’re paying attention: Hug, kiss, hold hands, buy a small gift, send a card, fix a favorite dessert, put gas in the car, or tell your partner, ‘You’re sexy,’ ‘You’re the best dad,’ or simply say ‘Thank you for being so wonderful.'”

— Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., professor at Oakland University and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great

2. Realize every relationship has value, regardless of how long it lasts.

“There’s no such thing as a failed romance. Relationships simply evolve into what they were always meant to be. It’s best not to try to make something that is meant to be seasonal or temporary into a lifelong relationship. Let go and enjoy the journey.”

— April Beyer, matchmaker and dating and relationship expert

3. Never take your partner for granted.

“This may sound obvious, but you can’t imagine how many people come to couples therapy too late, when their partner is done with a relationship and wants to end it. It is very important to realize that everyone potentially has a breaking point, and if their needs are not met or they don’t feel seen by the other, they will more than likely find it somewhere else. Many people assume that just because they are OK without things they want so is their partner. ‘No relationship is perfect’ shouldn’t be used as a rationalization for complacency.”

— Irina Firstein, LCSW, individual and couples therapist

4. Remember to take breaks.

“A friend taught me that no matter how in love you are or how long you’ve been together, it’s important to take an exhale from your partnership. Hang out with girlfriends until late in the evening, take a weekend trip to visit family, or just spend time ‘doing you’ for a while. Then when you go home to Yours Truly, you’ll both be recharged and ready to come together even stronger.”

— Amy Baglan, CEO of MeetMindful, a dating site for people into healthy living, well-being, and mindfulness

5. It’s not what you fight about—it’s how you fight.

“Researchers have found that four conflict messages are able to predict whether couples remain together or get divorced: contempt, criticism, stonewalling (or withdrawal), and defensiveness. Together, they’re known as the ‘Four Horsemen of Divorce.’ Instead of resorting to these negative tactics, fight fairly: Look for places where each partner’s goal overlaps into a shared common goal and build from that. Also, focus on using ‘I’ vs. ‘you’ language.”

— Sean M. Horan, Ph.D., assistant professor of communication, Texas State University

 

6. Stop trying to be each other’s “everything.”

“‘You are my everything’ is a lousy pop-song lyric and an even worse relationship plan. No one can be ‘everything’ to anyone. Create relationships outside The Relationship, or The Relationship isn’t going to work anymore.”

— Matt Lundquist, LCSW, couples therapist

7. Don’t just go for the big O.

“Sex isn’t just about orgasms. It’s about sensation, emotional intimacy, stress relief, improved health (improved immune and cardiovascular system), and increased emotional bonding with your partner, thanks to the wonderful release of hormones due to physical touch. There are many more reasons to have sex than just getting off.”

— Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D., licensed marriage and sex therapist, expert at Adam and Eve, and Greatist expert

8. Look for someone with similar values.

“For long-lasting love, the more similarity (e.g., age, education, values, personality, hobbies), the better. Partners should be especially sure that their values match before getting into marriage. Although other differences can be accommodated and tolerated, a difference in values is particularly problematic if the goal is long-lasting love. Another secret for a long marriage: Both partners need to commit to making it work, no matter what. The only thing that can break up a relationship are the partners themselves.”

— Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at California State University, San Bernardino

9. Try a nicer approach.

“Research has shown that the way a problem is brought up determines both how the rest of that conversation will go and how the rest of the relationship will go. Many times an issue is brought up by attacking or blaming one’s partner, also known as criticism, and one of the killers of a relationship. So start gently. Instead of saying, ‘You always leave your dishes all over the place! Why can’t you pick anything up?’ try a more gentle approach, focusing on your ownemotional reaction and a positive request. For example: ‘I get annoyed when I see dishes in the living room. Would you please put them back in the kitchen when you’re finished?'”

— Carrie Cole, M.Ed., LPC-S, a certified Gottman therapist and master trainer for The Gottman Institute

10. Make sure you’re meeting your partner’s needs.

“The number one thing I have learned about love is that it is a trade and a social exchange, not just a feeling. Loving relationships are a process by which we get our needs met and meet the needs of our partners too. When that exchange is mutually satisfying, then good feelings continue to flow. When it is not, then things turn sour, and the relationship ends. That is why it is important to pay attention to what you and your partner actually do for each other as expressions of love… not just how you feel about each other in the moment.”

— Jeremy Nicholson, Ph.D., psychologist and dating expert

 

11. Take care of yourself.

“There is one major cause of relationship problems: self-abandonment. We can ‘abandon’ ourselves in many areas: emotional (judging or ignoring our feelings), financial (spending irresponsibly), organizational (being late or messy), physical (eating badly, not exercising), relational (creating conflict in a relationship), or spiritual (depending too much on your partner for love). When you decide to learn to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself, you will discover how to create a loving relationship with your partner.”

— Margaret Paul, Ph.D., relationship expert and co-creator of Inner Bonding

12. Don’t forget to keep things hot.

“Many times people become increasingly shy with the person they love the more as time goes by. Partners begin to take their love for granted and forget to keep themselves turned on and to continue to seduce their partner. Keep your ‘sex esteem’ alive by keeping up certain practices on a regular basis. This allows you to remain vibrant, sexy, and engaged in your love life.”

— Sari Cooper, LCSW, licensed individual, couples, and sex therapist

13. Remove the pressure on performance.

“The penis-vagina model of sex comes with pressures, such as having an orgasm at the same time or the idea that an orgasm should happen with penetration. With these strict expectations come a pressure on performance that ultimately leads many to feel a sense of failure and frustration. Instead, try to expand your concept of sex to include anything that involves close, intimate connection with your partner, such as sensual massages, taking a nice shower or bath together, reading an erotic story together, playing with some fun toys… the possibilities are endless. And if orgasm happens, great, and if not, that’s OK too. When you expand your definition of sex and lower the pressure on orgasm and penetration, the anxiety around performance dissipates and your satisfaction can escalate.”

— Chelsea Holland, DHS, MS, sex and relationship therapist at The Intimacy Institute

14. Create a fulfilling life for yourself.

“Like many people, I grew up believing that marriage required self-sacrifice. Lots of it. My wife, Linda, helped me see that I didn’t have to become a martyr and sacrifice my own happiness in order to make our marriage work. She showed me that my responsibility in creating a fulfilling and joyful life for myself was as important as anything else that I could do for her or the kids. Over the years, it’s become increasingly clear to me that my responsibility to provide for my own well-being is as important as my responsibility to others. This is easier said than done, but it is perhaps the single most important thing we can do to ensure that our relationship will be mutually satisfying.”

— Charlie Bloom, MSW, relationship expert and author of Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love

15. Identify your “good conflicts,” and work on them together.

“Every couple has what I call a ‘good conflict.’ In long-term relationships, we often feel that the thing you most need from your partner is the very thing he or she is least capable of giving you. This isn’t the end of love—it’s the beginning of deeper love! Don’t run from that conflict. It’s supposed to be there. In fact, it’s your key to happiness as a couple—if you both can name it and commit to working on it together as a couple. If you approach your ‘good conflicts’ with bitterness, blame, and contempt, your relationship will turn toxic.”

— Ken Page, LCSW, a psychotherapist and author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Do You Really Want in a Relationship?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Many have actually gone through this step already. Which is writing down what you think you want in a relationship.

How to know what you want in a relationship

Everyone has different psychological needs that must be identified and met. The thing is, if we don’t meet our needs, we won’t be satisfied and happy in a relationship.

Even though it’s critical to identifying our needs, it can sometimes be a little puzzling to do. Sometimes we’re not very sure what we want exactly.
This article will help show you how you can discover and identify them confidently.

What do you really want

Many have actually gone through this step already.
Which is writing down what you think you want in a relationship.
If you haven’t yet, you must know that it’s an essential thing to start with in order to understand what you want.

While you write your list, it’s important that you make sure you separate between what is vital for you to have (what you can’t go without) from the rest of the list. Maybe you would want to have this in a different color as you them write down.

The reason for this is that this way you at least know what you absolutely shouldn’t go without in a relationship. Many people don’t do this step of taking the time to specify in details because it could be a bit of an effort to them, and as a result, understanding themselves and the relationship becomes very confusing.

Make sure your list includes the following categories:

-Characteristics that you want in a partner.
-Certain physical appearance that you want.
-Certain behaviors that you wish were existent in the relationship. (Example: spend time with you, respectful communication, talk things through to find solutions, etc…)
-Social standard or background
-Values that he/she should have

If you absolutely don’t know what to write, one way to do it is to think of what you absolutely don’t want and write the opposite. By finding out what you don’t want, you figure out what you need in a relationship to avoid it.

Let your list evolve

Now that you’ve done this list, is that it?
No. Think how we’ve advanced with transportation over time, now we have planes and it takes us a few hours to travel from one continent to another.

So my point here is, after you have created your list keep adjusting it from what you see happening around you and from what you personally experience.

Sometimes you watch a couple that you like and see something that they do that you would definitely want in your relationship as well, add that. Sometimes you would watch other people do things to each other that you dislike, or even experience something that happens to you and you realize you should avoid, write that as well.

Never stop tweaking your list. It’s exactly like finding out what your favorite color is. You see many colors and suddenly at some point you see one color and realize how much you like it. The primary list that you have created in step 1 will be an infrastructure that you should continue to build on and fine-tune.

Match the choices with the needs

How do you use this list once you find a person that you like?
Well, if you are very lucky, and hope you will be, you will find someone who you can achieve with all the things you both want in a relationship.

But what if this person doesn’t have exactly what you want, do you let this person go?
No, but depends. Remember in step 1 when I told you to separate your vital needs from your wants in a different color?

Now, this will come in handy. You need to make sure that these things you wrote in color are met, because if they are not and you are not meeting your needs, you won’t be satisfied in the relationship later on.

Never compromise your needs. You can compromise your wants for a wonderful person, but never your needs. If you need to work on yourself a bit more to attract this sort of person, start now. Otherwise follow your list, especially the ones in color.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Look for the Right Partner Right Now

by zfortadminin LOVE

Remember that a relationship consists of two people. Both you and your partner should have equal say and should never be afraid to express how you feel.

Nice eyes? A great smile? A quirky sense of humor? There are a lot of different things that might make you attracted to someone. But having a healthy relationship with your partner is about more than attraction; it requires respect, trust and open communication. Whether you’re looking for a relationship or are already in one, make sure you and your partner agree on what makes a relationship healthy. It’s not always easy, but you can build a healthy relationship. Look for someone who:

  • Treats you with respect.
  • Doesn’t make fun of things you like or want to do.
  • Never puts you down.
  • Doesn’t get angry if you spend time with your friends or family.
  • Listens to your ideas and compromise sometimes.
  • Isn’t excessively negative.
  • Shares some of your interests such as movies, sports, reading, dancing or music.
  • Isn’t afraid to share their thoughts and feelings.
  • Is comfortable around your friends and family.
  • Is proud of your accomplishments and successes.
  • Respects your boundaries and does not abuse technology.
  • Doesn’t require you to “check in” or need to know where you are all the time.
  • Is caring and honest.
  • Doesn’t pressure you to do things that you don’t want to do.
  • Doesn’t constantly accuse you of cheating or being unfaithful.
  • Encourages you to do well in school or at work.
  • Doesn’t threaten you or make you feel scared.
  • Understands the importance of healthy relationships.

Remember that a relationship consists of two people. Both you and your partner should have equal say and should never be afraid to express how you feel. It’s not just about speaking up for yourself — you should also listen and seriously consider what your partner says.

Every relationship has arguments and disagreements sometimes — this is normal. How you choose to deal with your disagreements is what really counts. Both people should work hard to communicate effectively.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Do You Deserve in Love in 2016?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

I recently left a relationship that I was not happy in. Although my ex was definitely an unconditional lover, it painfully bothered me that the man I loved was not taking care of his responsibilities.

Since I’ve entered my twenties, I’ve been looking for more than just a good time; I need a stable partner who will be able to meet our shared expenses and obligations in the future. So, I was faced with the crucial, inevitable decision of calling it quits.

I cried the first few nights, but every night after was a learning experience. I realized that no matter how much he loved me, I needed more from the relationship than he could give.

While I was still in it, he kept telling me that I made the entire relationship about me, saying, “You are only worried about your happiness. What about mine?”

Although he was right about his happiness being important, I realized something: my happiness is just as important, and I cannot—and should not have to—sacrifice mine for his.

Half of a couple can’t be happy while the other half is miserable. If neither is happy, then the relationship is already over.

A few weeks after the big break, I began asking myself what I wanted out of a relationship. Who am I? What do I need?

I wrote down a list of my nice-to-haves and my non-negotiables. This allowed me to see my past relationship for what it was: not what I really wanted. And thus, I experienced little pain and was able to move on gracefully.

Don’t get me wrong, I felt incredibly terrible for breaking his heart. I have always been the one to break things off, but I wasn’t so sure if I ever broke a guy’s heart until the day I broke his.

But I had to learn to forgive myself because I knew the relationship wouldn’t last. And it was better to break his heart now than to stay in it for far too long and inescapably break it later.

He eventually told me I was his only source of happiness, but just as you shouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness, you shouldn’t be responsible for another’s happiness either.

Happiness should come from within. If you have it before you enter the relationship, once ties are severed and the mourning phase is over, you will surely have it again.

The greatest lesson I learned is that you have to know what you want before the relationship starts.

When people say, “I don’t know what I want, but when I see it, I’ll know,” they are usually the ones who stick around in a relationship longer than necessary because they weren’t sure of what they wanted from the beginning. This causes unnecessary trial and error and a lot more pain.

It doesn’t take long to ask yourself what it is you desire and write it down. You may not know for certain right away, but you should at least have a rough idea. Getting to know yourself better can help with this.

Dating can also help refine your list, but making a serious commitment before really understanding your requirements in a relationship can be detrimental.

Typically when we go into a relationship without truly understanding our requirements, we end up trying to change our partner, which never ends well.

A loving relationship is meant to be the reward of knowing what you wanted and receiving it. Getting into a relationship in order to figure out what you want is backwards.

Ask yourself what it is you appreciate in a partner. What will cause you to write off a potential partner (perhaps not having the same goals and dreams)? This is important because if we don’t determine what we will and will not accept, we end up accepting anything.

But even more importantly, don’t forget about yourself. Get to know your own personal likes and dislikes. This is the one time where everything can be about what you want.

When we’re in a relationship, we’re always so busy trying to learn about another person’s wants, needs, goals, and aspirations that we oftentimes forget about our own.

During this time you don’t have to ask anyone for affirmation. All of your decisions are your own. No one can tell you who to be.

And while in a relationship, you still have to remember that you complete yourself. The man or woman you’re with does not define who you are, and you do not need him or her to be complete. Your self-esteem should not begin or end with how that person feels about you.

Be willing to give the person you love the shirt off your back, but your self-worth? Never give them that.

You have to honestly know that you will be happy with or without them. This little piece of knowledge makes it easier for you to leave a relationship that causes you anguish, and find one that better serves you.

That’s not to say that relationships are perfect and no one will ever hurt you; that’s certainly not the case. Every person will come with his or her own flaws, and every relationship will require a little work. You just have to know what you’re willing to work through and what you’re not.

Some words of advice my wise mother once gave me: you are the prize. How big of a prize you’re worth winning is defined by how much you love and respect yourself. You determine how much you are worth. Nobody else.

Sometimes love can turn into a battle that we want to win but can’t. Many relationships aren’t meant to be. That doesn’t make it your fault, and it doesn’t make it the other person’s fault; it just makes it life.

Whatever the case, you should never sacrifice your dignity at the expense of a futile relationship.

As for me, I couldn’t wait for him to be who I needed him to be. And I couldn’t change him either. I had to do what was best for me and for him as well.

If it were meant to be, it would’ve been right from the beginning.

I just have to go out into the world and find someone who better suits me. In the meantime, I am discovering a lot about myself, things I would’ve probably never known otherwise.

You must never get so caught up in your other half’s happiness that you forget about your own, and what matters most to you.

By the time I get into my next relationship, I will have better clarity of what I want and what I need.

But for right now, I am the love of my life. I am hoping that eventually I can share my love and happiness with another being, and he can share his with me.

Romance does not only consist of loving another, but also finding it easy to love oneself in the process. And I have to remind myself to never lose sight of that self-love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article