relationship Archives - Page 6 of 6

12 Telling Signs That You Should Let Your Relationship Go

January 22, 2019January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes letting go is easier than hanging on to someone that no longer serves you.

I’m a relationship person through and through. I will always root for relationships because I know I am much happier when I am sharing my life with someone, but that doesn’t always mean the person you’re with is the right person for you or that it works.

Letting go of a relationship and a life with someone is an extremely challenging thing to do but staying in that relationship when you’re more often than not having thoughts of doubt about it can be equally as challenging. The decision and thought process of knowing when it’s time to let go of your relationship is different for everyone, but here are some signs it might be time to let go.

You keep trying to go back to the way things were. You more often than not find yourself looking back at the beginning of the relationship instead of looking forward to the future together. You find yourself talking about the way things used to be and you fear you can never get back to that. You avoid questions about engagements, weddings and kids like they’re the plague.
One of you is always trying to change the other. I’ve struggled with this with nearly every partner I’ve had, I go for people who I think I can fix or change, and I can’t. One partner even called me out for it and said, “why can’t you just accept me for who I am? Maybe I have something to offer you.” He was right. Trying to change someone or project your point of views onto them isn’t fair. Having the urge to constantly change someone will leave you with disappointment and them with resentment toward you. You have to accept your partner for who they are and if you can’t you have to let them go. You can’t change people, it’s as simple as that.
The fighting has become constant. You feel like you’re arguing more than you’re talking. You’re always super cautious and filter your thoughts and feelings because you don’t want to set them off. You’re essentially walking on eggshells around your partner, and that’s not healthy. Filtering your thoughts and emotions to keep them from exploding it not ok.
You feel your needs aren’t being met. You no longer feel fulfilled in your relationship and you’ve tried explaining to your partner what you need but it doesn’t seem to affect anything, at least not for more than a few days or weeks at a time. Then things go back to the way they were and you’re finding yourself bringing it up again. Some people aren’t capable of loving you the way you need and it’s not their fault. We all have different needs and love languages, and sometimes you fall in love with someone who can’t meet those needs. It sucks but you have to accept that they can’t give you what you need, and that has to be ok.
You don’t listen to each other. I’ve dated a couple of people where all we do is circle the drain. We have the same conversations which lead to the same fights and the same feelings of disappointment because we can’t get on the same page. We each have different expectations and wants of the relationship, and we simply can’t communicate effectively enough to come to an understanding. It’s like, you hear what each other is saying but you’re not actively listening or at least understanding the information your partner is explaining. You feel like you’re constantly repeating yourself and explaining the same things to them but it just doesn’t get through. This builds more frustration in the relationship which often leads to more fighting or built up resentment.
You make excuses for their behavior. This is always a red flag. I dated a guy once who I realized had a drinking problem. Every time we did anything we drank, even at the dog park he would bring beer, and I’d make excuses for him in front of my friends. I dated another guy who would get angry and make a scene, I’d find myself always making excuses for his behavior, too. If you’re finding yourself constantly trying to make your partner out to be better than they are to your friends and family then it’s a good idea to sit down and reflect on why you’re doing this. If everyone in your life has cautioned you about the relationship then you should reflect on what’s really going on and consider if they’re seeing something you’re pretending isn’t there.
You feel embarrassed by them. You feel like you can’t bring them to work events or family dinners because you’re excessively worried about what they might do. Whether that be to say something wildly inappropriate or get too drunk, you feel like you have to babysit them instead of just knowing things will be ok and that’s not a good feeling to have.
You keep them around because you feel like having someone is better than having no one. I dated someone years ago and the relationship should have ended a few months in. Even though I knew it should have ended I kept it going for another year and a half because the thought of going through the breakup process and being alone again terrified me. Was I happy? No, absolutely not. But I kept him around for the rare good moments and because I thought having someone was better than having no one, which is a terrible reason to stay with someone.
You feel there’s something more for you out there. You keep thinking there’s someone better for you than the person you’re currently with whether it’s because they don’t challenge you or fulfill you the way you need. You’re scared this is all it’s ever going to be with them, and you’re probably right. People get comfortable and the romance can die out, if you’re not feeling hopeful that you can spark it again or you’re constantly wondering if there’s something better for you, that’s a chance you might have to take.
The trust is gone. One of you did something to affect the trust in your relationship and it doesn’t feel like you can do anything to mend it back together. The other person keeps bringing it up and holding it over the other’s head. If you feel there’s no coming back from the broken trust then all you can do is leave, instead of constantly begging and trying to prove yourself time and time again.
You’re not being respected. The foundation of a relationship should be mutual respect because without respect you have nothing. If you’re feeling like your partner doesn’t respect you, or they belittle you, or don’t think you work as hard as them, or don’t appreciate when you do things for them than chances are they don’t respect you and they’re never going to start.
You’re not able to depend on them. You should be able to rely and depend on your partner when they say something to you. If they promise you they’ll be somewhere or do something at a certain time and they never follow through you can’t depend on them. You can have conversation after conversation about how it hurts your feelings but if they don’t respect you then they won’t make it a priority to be there when you need them. It’s as simple as their actions don’t match their words, and as much as they apologize they keep leaving you with the same lousy feeling over and over.

If you see your relationship in a lot of these bullets then it’s probably time to really consider letting go. Ending a relationship with someone you love, despite these points, will still be painful and heartbreaking, but if your gut is telling you it’s the right thing to do, it’s time to listen.

Next article: 11 Relationship Problems That Might Be Sabotaging Your Love Life

7 Ways My Boyfriend and I Built a Relationship Living Apart in a Big City

August 30, 2019January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, we lived in separate places about 20 minutes from each other.

Washington, D.C. is a pretty big city. My boyfriend and I were excited when we met that we actually lived closer than some—often some couples we knew would have one half in Virginia the other in Maryland.

Before we moved in together, we had to cultivate our relationship to know each other. Here are seven ways my significant other and I built a relationship living apart in a big city.

1. Cooking for Each Other

One of the first things we did for each other was cook. In fact, our second date was me inviting my boyfriend over for baked ziti, garlic bread and salad. Later, he would invite me for chicken with his signature barbecue sauce. We had a failed attempt at chicken pot pie and a perfect attempt at our own spaghetti sauce.

We bonded through making our favorite recipes for each other. Now, years later, I learned how to make that from-scratch barbecue sauce and my partner has learned that baked ziti will be on the dinner menu at least a few times each month!

2. Spending equal time at each other’s apartments

Sometimes it’s hard to figure out a routine that works. My apartment was right off a Metro stop, so it was a lot easier to spend more time there. However, it was studio compared to my boyfriend’s more spacious one-bedroom.

After dating a few weeks, we found a schedule that worked for us. My boyfriend would often stop after work for dinner at my place on weeknights. Weekends we’d spend at his place as it was bigger and allowed for more room to hang out for longer periods of time.

The important thing to remember is that everyone’s different—what may work for your best friend and his or her partner may not work for your boyfriend and you.

3. Lots and lots of texts and phone calls

We kept in touch a lot in the first year. From the text after the first three weeks that said “I’m lucky I have such a great girlfriend,” a cute nod to asking him to be my boyfriend, to phone calls at the end of a work day, we always made an effort to contact each other.

Some of the sweetest phone calls where we got to learn a lot about each other were falling asleep at night. Good thing cell phones hang up automatically when someone says goodbye, because I can’t tell you how many times one of us accidentally fell asleep!

4. Well executed date nights

When we were living apart, date nights had to be very well planned out. Given that we both didn’t have a car, most of the dates involved my boyfriend Ubering to me then us both heading out on the Metro from my place.

When we took the Metro home, we would settle into my bed, but if we took an Uber home, we often ended up at my significant other’s place.

No matter where you end up at the end of a date night, definitely discuss the question before you head out. No one wants to deal with debating where to crash for the night if you’re headed home from a fun and romantic evening.

5. Sweet and thoughtful gifts

The sweet and thoughtful gifts I’m referencing in this one aren’t particularly expensive or showy, but they were very considerate. The gifts also helped our relationship grow. For example, once on his way home from a business trip, my boyfriend met me at my place with six red roses from a flower cart at Union Station. It was so meaningful to know he thought of me on his trip.

I would sometimes do things like bake chocolate chip cookies and wrap them up, head over to his place while he was working from home and leave them at his door. Once I was back at my apartment, I would text my boyfriend to say check outside your door. These little surprises were just enough to keep us thinking about each other while also cultivating the romance.

6. Showing each other our mutual interests

As a native Pittsburgher, I loved football growing up (go Steelers!). I wasn’t all that into hockey, unlike many Pittsburghers who love the Penguins and Steelers equally. It wasn’t until I met my boyfriend and we went to a few hockey games together that I became a huge fan. Now, dates to the local arena to see the Pens vs. the Washington Capitals are some of our favorite nights out.

While I got into hockey, I expressed to my boyfriend how much I loved movies and TV. We both realized we loved a good HBO show. The show The Newsroom ran from 2012 through 2014, when we first started dating, so it ended up being the perfect show to get into together.

By sharing our personal interests, we got to know each other more and were able to have our relationship evolve. We found mutual interests that we love to share with each other now.

7. When the relationship got serious enough, discussing moving in together

About a year into our relationship, my boyfriend and I knew that things were pretty serious. We thought about how much money we were blowing on bus and cab/Uber fare to see each other. We ended up having a serious discussion about moving in together.

After touring places around the area, we eventually ended up where we are now. It was tough to explain with our both equally traditional parents but in the end I’m glad it happened. We’ve been living here since June 2013 with no plans to move anytime soon. I credit the steps we took in our relationship while living apart for a smooth transition to living together.

Want to read more on relationships? Check out this piece about fun ideas for a couple photoshoot.

Redefining Relationships in a Pandemic

June 29, 2020January 22, 2024 by Jennifer Ashley Greenein LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Day 98 of COVID-19 quarantine with my boyfriend…and my parents.

I live in an apartment in Manhattan with my boyfriend and our dog. Fourteen weeks ago, as NYC was rapidly rising to become the epicenter of the Coronavirus, we packed an overnight bag and headed upstate to hunker down with my parents in their house in the country. It meant not only more space for the three of us, but way less possible social interactions than we would have had in NYC.

Note to reader: a single overnight bag for two people does not last 3.5 months.

I prefer to think of myself as an optimist; though admittedly I identify more with the word “realist”, (which the more you say aloud and try your damndest to dress up with positivity, you eventually surrender to the fact that you’re really just a pessimist living in disguise).

Optimism is a hard find these days for many of us. Envisioning life post Covid-19 seems like a daunting task. Hell, remembering life pre-pandemic doesn’t really ring a bell for me right now tbh.

I fluctuate daily on my grasp of this whole quarantine situation.

Some days I wake up and do a mental scan while I lie in bed, running through a list of things I’m grateful for in my head before my feet even hit the floor. These are the days I meditate, work out, take a long walk around the neighborhood, call a friend or two, make 3 healthy meals and probably listen to some country music. I’m the best version of myself on these days.

Other days I wake up with a slightly different mentality. My first thought here is AGHHHHHHHHHH ANOTHER DAY OF THIS CRAP? WHAT THE HELL! I tend to speed right past my gratitude list on these mornings, heading instead directly for the mental list of things I hate about quarantine. Wearing masks and gloves, the lack of any kind of structure whatsoever, sleeping in my parents’ guest room with my boyfriend while we pay an arm and a leg for an apartment in Manhattan that we haven’t lived in for three and a half months, and I could continue but I’m having one of the other days so I’ll pause here for your sake. Days like this are a struggle, and I know I’m not alone in experiencing them.

Relationships of all sorts are being challenged right now.

We’re spending a LOT of time with some people and barely any time with others. The relationships we have with ourselves, our romantic partners, parents, kids, friends, and pets are all being redefined and we’re all simply trying to manage and figure out how to do life under this new normal. I for one, never thought I’d be living with my boyfriend and my parents simultaneously, but here we are. It’s not easy to take four adults and put them under one roof for an extended period of time, you can take my word on that. We’ve all had to make adjustments to our normal routines to make cohabitating work, and for the most part, we’ve adjusted pretty well. There have been some bumps along the way; trying to give each other space can be challenging, add in the fact that we’re all working from home and that’s downright difficult.

Luckily, my parents have a finished basement with two bathrooms, otherwise I’m sure by now we would have all gone totally insane. There have been silver linings to quarantining with my boyfriend and parents, believe it or not. For instance, we all love to play games. There have been many fun game nights over the last few months, and I’ve learned that I get my competitive gene entirely from my mom.

Suddenly we’ve been given all this time and we’re all trying to decide what to do with it.

It’s sort of ironic. If you’re anything like me, you frequently have thoughts like (pre-quarantine at least) “there’s never enough time”. Now that we have more than enough time, we’re at a loss for how to fill our days. Much of this is attributed to the fact that restrictions are in place, so our options are limited, but there are still ways to cope under quarantine. What I’ve found helpful is to create a “bucket” list (a small bucket, more of a jar than anything really) of things I want to do during quarantine. Think less skydiving and more learning a new language, but I think Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson would still dig it.

In making my list (and it’s an ever growing one as restrictions stay in place and getting creative is of the utmost importance) I considered the important relationships in my life. I have things on my list that I want to do for myself: write more, speak spanish and practice yoga. I want to read new books to my 2.5 year old niece (thanks to Zoom, this is very doable). I want to get more creative in the kitchen with my mom. We really enjoy making plant based meals together and I get to expand my recipe repertoire while doing so. I have fun ideas for dates with my boyfriend; we’ve done movie nights with popcorn and wine, we did a wine and paint date where we drank wine, listened to Frank Sinatra, and attempted to draw an orchid. This was equally romantic and hilarious. We also recently did a virtual escape room. Look it up. You’re welcome.

We will get through this.

No it’s not ideal, but we can choose to make the most of this time. There will come a time in the future when we wish we had the time that we have now. We just have to get a little creative, stay positive and pick each other up when we are struggling. I’m trying to remember to find the joy in spending this time with my boyfriend and my parents. It’s making me appreciate the relationships I have with them even more than I used to.