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Tag: Intimacy

The Worst Relationship Betrayal… Not What You Think

by zfortadminin Mind

3 patterns that form a slow, steady drip of betrayal that might signal the end more surely than another lover.

Pretty much everyone who is in a committed relationship agrees that if they found out their partner had sex, even once, with someone else it would be a challenge to move past it and stay together. That’s the big one-event shake up that most people assume is the beginning of the end if not the mile marker for the end itself.

Everyone needs to withdraw and unplug but don’t retreat in order to get even. Hurting someone emotionally always leaves a mark.

While both of us would be nonplussed if the other had an affair or one-night-stand, there are three patterns that we’ve even fallen prey to that we know could be (almost) silent killers for us and probably any other couple.

Withholding Attention

You’ve heard about “ghosting” right? Pretty extreme and most people wouldn’t dream of doing it to the love of their life, and most of us would notice pretty quickly if we were being ghosted.

But there are so many ways of withholding attention that aren’t even intentional. Preoccupation – you know, like with your phone, or the television (we don’t have one of those, but the internet is a close runner up.) Or maybe just preoccupation with your own thoughts – we’re both prone to getting lost in our heads, in the clouds, or in time. Or shutting down – crawling into the shell of self to process, to stew, to ponder, or just to hang out and relax.

Even if it’s not intended to hurt, when you withhold your attention from your partner, your lover, that person who is in your life because they get off on being with you, you’re committing a “micro-aggression” toward that thing that keeps you together.

And if you are withholding attention as a way to prove a point, or strike back, stop that right now. Everyone needs to withdraw and unplug but don’t retreat in order to get even. Hurting someone emotionally always leaves a mark.

Withholding Trust

Everyone brings past relationships into the current dynamic. Whether those relationships were with spouses, lovers, friends, siblings, parents, authority figures, or the Grinch next door, they create patterns of trust, and lack of it.

Deciding to withhold trust is one of the deepest betrayals you can inflict on a partner.

None of those patterns are about your partner, but they certainly affect your partner. We’ve navigated land mines and dungeons of trigger wires and green-eyed monsters until we can guess when something is a “this is about me not you” kind of thing, but when either of us senses a lack of trust it can still range all the way from a minor road bump to a steep hill.

But if you’re withholding your trust for a reason, justified or not, a shifting of boundaries or treating a partner with suspicion is always going to result in tension. Deciding to withhold trust is one of the deepest betrayals you can inflict on a partner. It puts up a wall, and reflects their worst traits back at them. No relationship, however loving, can survive that for very long.

Withholding Intimacy

Intimacy isn’t going through the motions. And it isn’t (always) a romantic performance or expectation. Intimacy is meeting on the same, shared plane of experience. On purpose.

Physical intimacy is important to a romantic partnership. Actually, for us anyway, it’s vital. It’s not just about sex, that’s only one of many ways we physically demonstrate our love for each other. But there is nothing wrong with saying that sexual intimacy is a cornerstone of our physical intimacy.  But emotional intimacy is even more important. Without that the physical or sexual intimacy is just “off.” We’re not really in it together if there is an emotional barrier between us.

… if either of us ever withheld intimacy … or if we ever displaced that intimacy usually reserved for each other onto another person, it’s likely that we would cause wounds that would take a long time to heal …

It’s perfectly natural that there are times one or both of us will just need to be left alone. For one thing, we’re both introverts (highly social, but definitely introverts.) For another thing, we’re human. So it’s going to happen.

But if either of us ever withheld intimacy — of any kind — not from our own need for personal time and space, but as a tactic or punishment, or if we ever displaced that intimacy usually reserved for each other onto another person, it’s likely that we would cause wounds that would take a long time to heal – if they ever did. We both have intimate friends, but those friends never come first for either us. First is always reserved just for each other.

◊♦◊

None of these patterns are the instant end game that a sexual fling might be, but they are all slow, steady drips of betrayal that eventually erode even the strongest relationship.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

China Opens Up to Families This Year

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

The new two-child policy, approved by the national legislature in December, allows couples to have two children from January 1.

Couples in China are now allowed to have two children as the new family planning law came into effect from Friday.

Couples in China are now allowed to have two children as the new family planning law came into effect from Friday, ending the world’s most populous country’s controversial one-child policy amid concerns over an ageing population and shrinking workforce.

The new two-child policy, which was announced by the ruling Communist Party in October and approved by the national legislature in late December, allows couples to have two children from January 1.

“It is worth noting how people’s lives will be affected,” state-run Xinhua news agency said in its report.

The one-child policy, which was implemented from 1978 and restricted most couples to only a single child through a system of fines for violators and even forced abortions, was credited to have prevented over 400 million births restricting the population to over 1.357 billion as per census held in 2013.

The three-decade-old policy was changed as demographic crisis deepened with sharp rise in population of old-age people and shrinking workforce in the world’s second largest economy.

According to latest figures, the number of people aged 60 or over in China has reached 212 million at the end of 2014, accounting for 15.5 per cent of the country’s population, with the number of disabled elderly people approaching 40 million.

The United Nations has predicted that people over age 65 will account for 18 per cent of China’s population by 2030, double the number in 2011 which will have a negative bearing on China’s labour availability.

By 2050, China is expected to have nearly 500 million people over 60, exceeding the population of the US.

However, recent official surveys said that despite massive publicity to the lifting of the one-child policy, the two children rule has evoked less enthusiasm among 100 million couples who are eligible to have second child as they are not keen due to heavy costs involved in bringing up another baby.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Technology …Can It Make Intimacy Better or Not?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Sure, a haptic sex toy-facilitated romp with a long-distance lover might keep a relationship alive, but technology can create forms of intimacy beyond simulated sex.

The most groundbreaking user interfaces developed over the next several decades will likely provide us with new opportunities to interact with each other in artificially immediate ways. Access to each other’s bodies may pale in comparison to access to each other’s memories, emotions, and experiences.

Shared thoughts will never replace shared fluids, but these emerging technologies just might provide something more shockingly visceral.

The Mind Reader

Is there anything more intimate than getting into someone’s head? Sure, mind reading could be intrusive to a fault — Kylo Ren’s use of the Force is borderline rapey — but relationships are all about making those deep mental connections with consent. And there are new technologies being developed that could soon make mental communication a lot easier. Take BrainGate, a system that can translate brain waves directly into actions without having to be translated through language or the body — mediums that, more often than not, just introduce noise. Could transmission of pure thought between partners be next?

The Mind-Gasms

The future of brain-based intimacy largely rests on the fact that sex is a mental exercise. Orgasms manifest in the brain through a release of oxytocin in the hypothalamus and the activation of the nucleus accumbens, the brain’s pleasure center. Rolling with this idea, futurist Scott O’Brien has suggested that we could someday stimulate those brain areas directly using neural-based headsets, producing orgasms without the burden of bodies. It isn’t a new idea — remember that infamously uncomfortable brain-sex session in Demolition Man? We’re getting closer to making than an uncomfortable reality.

The Long-Distance Heartbeat

A lot of work has gone into simulating sex, but little has been done about recreating the comforts of the afterglow. A device called Pillow Talk might be the first step: Through pulse-monitoring wristbands and pillow-embedded speakers, the device lets long-distance lovers fall asleep to the sound of their partner’s heartbeat. “By sharing something so intimate with each other,” as the project developers describe on their Kickstarter campaign page, “you can feel connected in a unique and special way.”

The Sounds of Love

A Japanese sound artist known as Rory Viner has attempted to recreate the sensation of sex aurally by turning bodies into instruments. By tracking his and his partner’s movements during sex using piezoelectric sensors then channeling the data through an interface that translated motion into music, he composed his coital opus, “Sex, Sensors, and Sound.” While it’s never really comfortable to hear the sounds of someone else’s lovemaking (though the 42,000 hits his experiment has racked up would suggest otherwise), creating — and replaying — those you make with your own partner could foster a new kind of art-based intimacy.

The WhisperA

The autonomous sensory meridian response has turned into a YouTube phenomenon, thanks to the millions of viewers who tune in to intimate videos of people doing and saying mundane things — like folding towels or wiping glass — to trigger a pleasant tingling at the back of the head, scalp, or neck. The phenomenon isn’t well understood (or universally accepted as a scientific reality), but its effects are known as “brain orgasms” for a reason: It triggers a sense of pleasure that has little to do with physical sex and everything to do with hacking the brain. (Of course, this hasn’t stopped ASMR from making the controversial crossover into erotica, giving viewers a sensational double-whammy.)

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Hormones Affect Your Intimate Life

by zfortadminin Mind

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and love is in the air. We all love the feeling of being in love and the excitement that goes along with new relationships and new beginnings.

The real question is ‘how do we find ways to keep the warm fuzzies alive 10 years down the road or even 20 years or longer?’

When we first meet someone that we really like, our brain first produces those hormones that make us feel what we could call lust. The levels of Testosterone for men and Estradiol for women are greatly increased. This is a primitive physical reaction to assist us in procreating but not what leads to longer term connections.

If we really like someone and we move to being in the attraction phase (and not just in the sexual sense), a huge amount of a neurochemical called Dopamine is produced in the brain as well as adrenaline. Adrenaline is responsible for the classic racing heart rate and sweaty palms that occurs when you see that person that you are newly enamored with. Dopamine is the other hormone that is released during this phase and it is a hormone that causes intense happiness. Dopamine causes increased energy, less need for sleep or food, intense focus and incredible delight at the smallest details of this new and exciting relationship. Sound familiar? This is the fun stuff we all love when we first meet someone and wish we could maintain forever.

The next phase of our relationships is called attachment and this is the part where we want to get married and have babies and form long lasting bonds. The hormone that creates the desire to bond and nurture is mainly oxytocin. This hormone is mainly known for its link to nursing mothers and maternal child bonding, but it is also released after orgasm in both men and women. This is one reason that we often feel closer to our partner after sex and this helps to strengthen the bond.

Now we are back to the question of how to maintain healthy intimacy and closeness in a long-term relationship. We need to look at these different phases and try to keep them alive. Our hormones need to be balanced and normal for us to continue having healthy sexual feelings toward our lover. We need to keep the spark alive by creating newness and time for romance if we want to have that happy dopamine release. Lastly, we need to maintain intimacy on both a physical and emotional level to create lasting bonds and lots of oxytocin. Talking and sharing deep personal thoughts has been shown to deepen the bonds we feel to our partners and create more feelings of love. Maybe we just need to remember to make our relationships more of a priority and less of an afterthought and maybe we need to change our ideas of what love and relationships should be. That initial rush is great, but it is great to feel that deep bond with someone after you have shared children, heartache and all of life’s ups and downs. That is what real love feels like.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Sleeping in Separate Rooms. Could It Make Your Love Life Better?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

We’ve both reached the point where neither of us feels rejected.

Why do two people who love each other — and have a normal, healthy relationship otherwise — sleep apart? There are a number of reasons, but our big theme is respect: We both respect each other and know how important sleep is to our lives. It is irrational to think that two professionals in their 40s would have identical schedules. We have reached a point that we are grateful that neither of us feels rejected if we don’t sleep together.

My partner and I had both been married prior to our relationship, and so I believe we have different expectations and less insecurities than we had or most people have in a first marriage. We are able to sleep together comfortably (and we do on vacations and weekends), but on your average weeknight, we sleep in different beds.

Now in our 40s, he and I have known each other for 30 years. Romantic notions about sleeping peacefully intertwined don’t exist, at least not for us. Instead, we’re lucky to have a nice guest/spare room with a queen-sized bed that works well for my partner. He is still always welcome in our master bedroom and bed. Before we go to sleep at night, we watch television or a movie together, and even sometimes fall asleep. But inevitably, he will be gone if I wake up during the night, and always when I get up in the morning.

I am a writer by trade, mostly freelance. I write for others while also working on my own projects. I’m what you call a “creative type.” My work, my schedule, and my brain don’t work in a 9 to 5 world. I sometimes get an idea and write late or in the middle of the night. I can imagine this would be really annoying if you needed to get up at 5 a.m. to do consulting work in DC. He works in a Brooks Brothers suit. I work in sweats — on a dressy day.

We also both have children from our first marriages. Mine are older and very independent. They both drive, work, and have traveled without me or their father. My partner has young children who need help with their homework and still have a bedtime. His youngest still gets up in the middle of the night, and our guest room is next to his room. It is very convenient for my partner to lie in bed with his son until he falls back to sleep.

The last big reason (that my kind better half would never mention) is the elephant in the room: I snore. And not a cute little snore, but a snore you would image coming out of an 80-year-old man. I have allergies, and even with a septum repair following a nose broken during a lacrosse game, I still snore. Loudly. We went on vacation to London, and I suddenly had no need for my allergy medication. The snoring stopped, and I slept better than I had in years. I value sleep enough that I would move to England now if I could.

Those who know that we sleep in different beds (our kids mostly) would originally ask if we had an argument. We assured them that this wasn’t the case, and depending on that particular day, we would tell them the truth, that one of us was up late working, and the other needed to get up early. It also allows up to spend time with our respective kids and watch a late night movie and hang out.

Years into our relationship, it is still special when we spend the night in the same bed. We don’t take for granted how nice it is to roll over, reach out, and touch your partner!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Watch Out! What One Behavior Spells the End

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal..

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are “pending” divorce after 10 years of marriage.

On the way home from work you have every intention of greeting your partner with a friendly “Hi, how are you? How was your day?” and listening attentively while he or she tells you all about it.

But the minute you open the door and drop your keys on the counter, you find yourself knee-deep in an argument about how he or she bought the wrong type of pepper.

Don’t worry: It’s perfectly normal to get into arguments like these with your significant other every once in a while, John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and founder of the Gottman Institute, told Business Insider.

It’s what happens next that you need to watch out for, he says.

When you express your frustration over the pepper mix-up, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn’t ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he’s right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, “What kind of an idiot doesn’t know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?”

If you find yourself in the second situation, you’re likely displaying contempt for your partner, and it could be putting your relationship in jeopardy.

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal..

Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson found this single behavior is so powerful that they can use it — along with the negative behaviors of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling — to predict divorce with 93% accuracy.

“Contempt,” says Gottman, “is the kiss of death.”

The striking 93% figure comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period) published in 2002. Since then, decades of research into marriage and divorce have lent further support to the idea linking divorce with specific negative behaviors.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or simply began to disengage from conflict within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce, even as far as 16 years down the road.

Why are couples who exhibit this one behavior more likely to split up?

It comes down to a superiority complex.

Feeling smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other means you’re not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more importantly, you’re far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.

Picture a resonance chamber, suggests Gottman, with each person in the relationship a source of his or her own musical (or emotional) vibrations. If each partner is closed off to the other person’s vibes (or emotions) and more interested in unleashing their own feelings of disgust and superiority, these negative vibrations will resound against one another, escalating a bad situation “until something breaks,” Gottman says.

If you’ve noticed yourself or your partner exhibiting this type of behavior, don’t despair — it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Being aware that you’re doing something that could negatively affect your partner is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you’ll likely greatly improve the relationship — and increase your chances of staying together for longer.

Curated by Timothy
Original Article  

The Married Millennial – Are We Too Young?

by RJ Newellin LOVE

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different.

I got married at 21. By today’s standards, that makes me a unicorn.

When I show up with a new tattoo, nobody bats an eye. But the second I say I’m married? I might as well have joined a cult.

“How old are you, again?” my yoga teacher asked.

I answered honestly. “I’m 21.”

Her face must have gone through fifty shades of pity. “Are you sure?”

In our early twenties, we are expected to make adult decisions. Finishing college, choosing our careers, voting in elections – these are not tasks for children. As an adult, I’m allowed to make choices for myself. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

If we can smoke cigarettes in our twenties (risking cancer), own a credit card (and a lifetime of student loan debt), or joining the military (at 18, mind you) – why is marriage such a scary concept to us?

Traditional marriage goes against what many of us have come to know.

“How long have you been together? Because when I was in my twenties…”

This is a trick question. It doesn’t matter how long we have been together – her mind is made up that I am too young. Her conclusion is probably drawn from her own experiences at 21 – and that’s not a bad thing.

A year before, I would have agreed with her. I’ve had every reason to not believe in marriage. My experiences with long-term relationships began much younger than most, and nearly all of them ended in heartbreak. I know what it’s like to think you’ll spend forever with someone, only to leave – or be left. My own parents divorced. My friends’ parents divorced. I’ve been to more divorce dinners than actual weddings…and that’s because I don’t like weddings.

Before my husband came along, I swore off the possibility of long-term relationships completely. Monogamy was a lie. Marriage was an outdated system. Why would a strong, career-minded feminist like myself willingly give herself legally to another person?

I argued this point whenever marriage was mentioned. I questioning my friends’ life choices and cut my own relationships short when things got too serious. I was content to spend the rest of my life as a happily single woman. Now, here I am, with a ring on my finger.

Is it scary? Yes. Do I question my decision? No.

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different. I can’t predict the next ten, twenty, thirty years. But no matter how my life turns out, I will be grateful for having shared it with him.

Nobody can predict the future, and that’s what makes marriage so huge.

I know a couple that dated for ten years before getting married. They divorced after one year. I also know a couple that got married six months after they met. They’ve been married for thirty years, and counting.

There is no guarantee that any relationship will survive. Our generation has been raised to value reward over risk. We want results, now. To many of us, marriage just sounds like a really expensive mistake. It’s easier to live together and have children together, without the hassle of expensive paperwork.

“Why invest in a marriage when you can have all the perks without it?” asked basically everyone.

As soon as our engagement announcement went live on social media, my inbox overflowed with congratulations…and concern.

“Have you been with him long enough to be sure?”

“Does this mean you giving up your career?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“I know it’s not my business, but…”

Sixty years ago, getting married in your twenties was totally normal. But then again, more of us had stable jobs in those days. People weren’t as afraid of the future then as we are now.

Nobody knows where – or who – we’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years. For many, this is why being “tied down” to any one person is terrifying. But for some, this is all the more reason to commit to something – or someone.

We’ve now been married for one year. So far, so good. We know that marriage is hard work. And it’s more than likely that we won’t be the same people in ten years. That’s not a bad thing. It means we’re growing – and hopefully, we’ll grow together.

Maybe you are also in your twenties, and you were hoping this article might help you decide whether to get married or not. My question for you, is – why?

Do your life choices reflect what you want, or what other people want? This applies to everything, not just marriage. Self-sabotage occurs by comparing ourselves to others and waiting for outer validation.

When my lover got down on one knee, he didn’t say, “Hey, friends and family, should she marry me?”

And I didn’t say, “Hold on a second,” and then get out my phone to Google national divorce statistics.

He simply asked, “Will you marry me?”

And I said, “Yes.”

Marriage is a choice between two people, to be made every day for the rest of life. I feel ready, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Love is all that matters. Embrace the way it lives for you.

Are we TOO young?

Fixing Competitive Attitude in Your Relationship

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage. Many marriages could be saved if spouses improved the ways they communicate with each other.

It’s often the simplest bad habits that get couples into trouble. Once a marriage gets on a rough track, negativity grows. Problems escalate as both spouses repeat their mistakes again and again. Take a look at the following communication mistakes and learn how they can be resolved.

1. Yelling at your spouse.

When you feel angry, you probably start raising your voice. Anger creates tension. As tension builds, you look for a way to release or express it. Yelling at your spouse becomes a quick and easy option, although it often causes more trouble than relief.

It may feel good to unleash your tension on your spouse when they upset you, but the sense of satisfaction is often short-lived. Whatever you say in your angry state is likely to add fuel to the fire.

Yelling unleashes lots of strong, negative emotion. No matter what you are trying to communicate at that point, the emotion is going to take center stage. That’s what captures the listener’s attention most. Unfortunately, your spoken message will be diminished or even misunderstood, because you set up your partner to be defensive and frustrated rather than responsive and understanding.

It’s not that you can’t express some strong emotion when you speak – you’re not a robot, after all. But yelling goes well beyond the line. It sets the stage for an exchange of heated emotions rather than clearly communicated words. Even if your emotion is the message you need to share, a purely emotional exchange can easily transform into an exhausting, destructive habit. At some point, emotions need to be communicated in a way that allows you to move past them, not fuel them.

Let Your Words Speak Volumes To Your Spouse

When you can keep your emotion in check, your message can really shine through. This doesn’t mean you should try to shove your emotions out of the way. They may be a very important part of your situation. But remember – the whole point of communicating is to be clearly understood. To do that, your channel of communication must go two ways. Excessive emotion interferes with that. Take a little time alone to help you ride the wave of feelings and let them settle on their own.

Another option is to take a quick exercise break before you continue the conversation. Exercise is a terrific stress reducer and it can easily distract you from your intense feelings. It’s pretty tough to focus on your troubles when you are nearly out of breath … You may also find it helpful to write out the things you want to say so you take care to deliver your message more clearly.

It’s OK to take your time talking about something that makes you really emotional. You’ll get through the problem more easily if you can keep your spouse on your side instead of pushing them away.

2. Having a Competitive Attitude.

Some competition is OK, but anything that isn’t mutual and playful could build a wall.

Competition is all around us. Football games on TV, soccer games at the high school, getting ahead at work, Christmas displays in the neighborhood — you name it and someone will try to win it. You may have to stay ahead of the game in some areas of your life, but your marriage is not one of them. When one person is always the winner, both spouses lose.

Maybe a little competition between the two of you at the racquetball court is OK. And perhaps you can rib each other with your basketball tournament predictions. But that’s about it. Anything that isn’t mutual and playful could build a wall between you.

If you find yourself building a “case” in the back of your mind with supporting bullet points for every disagreement, you may win the argument nearly every time. However, you may do more to exhaust and demoralize your spouse than anything else.

Think about Why You Need To Win

A person with emotional insecurities may overcompensate by trying to look superior to his or her spouse. When they stay on top, they feel stronger and more confident. They may have trouble being vulnerable, even with their spouse. To do so would expose their insecurities. This would clash with their belief that they are successful.

Does this sound like you? Does your spouse tire of your victory dance and your need to always have the upper hand? Maybe they just want you to come back to earth a little. They are probably far happier to be around you when you show some imperfections. You may not be used to your spouse showing tenderness toward you. If you married a great person, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You don’t have to win to feel satisfied.

3. Making Marriage about Me Instead of We.

Have you ever stopped to listen to the chatter going on in your mind? Most likely, it’s focused on you — what you look like, how you just messed something up, what you have on your schedule later, what you are looking forward to, etc.

Naturally, this chatter is somewhat biased because it’s from your perspective. But how about the chatter that relates to your spouse? Is it all about how much fun you will have later, what you expect from your husband or wife, and what kind of mood you are in?

Take Your Spouse’s Viewpoint and Make Their Day Better

Generosity and considerate behaviors can go a long way toward nurturing a great marriage. Instead of wondering if they’ll ever load the dishwasher right, do something you know your spouse will appreciate. Be forewarned: they may not throw you a ticker-tape parade because you did it. Don’t get caught up in the “what’s in it for me” trap again.

If you continue a pattern of being more generous and thoughtful toward your spouse, they’ll eventually say or do something as a response. They might hold their comments back at first because they don’t know if this trend will stick. They may be waiting to see if this generosity is a gimmick or a set of new, positive habits. When they see that you are genuine and consistent with your efforts over time, your message will be clear. Let those selfish thoughts pass by and keep doing loving things for your spouse.

Here’s another secret about making an effort like this: Feelings follow actions. In other words, you may not feel loving at first when you do these generous acts. If they don’t say anything at first, you may really wonder why you are bothering at all. Keep going anyway. The more you act with generosity, the more you’ll naturally feel generous and loving toward your spouse.

Change Marriage Communication Mistakes by Changing Habits

It takes some practice to change old marriage communication mistakes. It’s amazing how the energy between spouses can change so much with just a few changes. When you understand how it all fits together, you can make real progress in your relationship right away.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Do You Love Holding Hands? Here is Why

by zfortadminin Sex

There are scientific and psychological reasons behind the reasons humans hold hands (and why so many artists write songs about it).

I can’t count how many people I’ve held hands with over the years — friends, my mom, a guy I genuinely liked, or some random boy I happened to be standing next to at a party.

I have always maintained holding hands is one of the more casual, yet simultaneously intimate physical acts. The way your fingers intertwine with another person’s is both innocent and special.

It isn’t always romantic, and it certainly doesn’t always mean something. But, it’s both pleasing and human nature to take the hand of someone else.

Maybe the last person you held hands with was your best friend when you reunited after months apart.

You wanted to be as close as possible before your real world jobs and lives in different cities separated you once again. Or maybe it was your mom, right before you boarded a plane to a new country.

Whoever it was, the reason that person held your hand wasn’t unusual or unique.

And although I might be one of the only people who prefers holding someone’s hand to going home with someone for the night, it isn’t just an odd aspect of my personality.

There are scientific and psychological reasons behind the reasons humans hold hands (and why so many artists write songs about it).

It provides comfort.

As humans, we are not only creatures of habit, we’re also creatures of comfort. We gravitate toward situations and people who make us feel as content and secure as possible.

In the scientific study, “Lending A Hand,” neuroscientists from the University of Virginia and the University of Wisconsin studied the effect the simple act of a human touch has on people in stressful situations.

In this case, the participants underwent the threat of electric shock. The researchers came to the conclusion a “loving touch reassures.”

Dr. James Coan, one of the researchers, said,

We found that holding the hand of really anyone, it made your brain work a little less hard in coping.

So whether you’re mourning a loss, had a bad day at work or you’re just feeling a little down, find a hand to hold. Because, in the wise words of the philosopher Akon,

Things will get better if you just hold my hand.

It’s natural.

Sea otters do it. Penguins do it. Even elephants do it, albeit they have to use their trunks.

 

We like to feel connected.

There’s a reason your mom was probably the first person who held your little hand. She’s the one who birthed you, the person who provided you with nourishment, warmth and a safe place to rest your head.

From day one, we are automatically connected with our mothers. Her hands led us safely across the street and grabbed our little palms before they touched the hot stove.

Her soft, now a little wrinkled, hands first taught us the meaning of a physical connection and will always remind us of the importance of a close bond.

On the other hand, holding hands can purvey a non-maternal connection. You could be with your relatively new significant other, standing in a room full of people you don’t know, each engaging in small talk with separate people.

But, the person you’re holding hands with is there. You can physically feel it. There’s no doubt in your mind that person will be there for you and will be there when the small talk dwindles to awkward silence.

Holding hands provides warmth.

Skin to skin contact is the best way to release and absorb heat — whether you forget your gloves on a brisk winter walk through the park or your apartment building decided you didn’t need heat for the month of February.

Pressure relieves pain.

Whose hand did you hold when your 8-year-old self got her ears pierced? Was your dad in the delivery room bravely holding your mom’s hand as she brought you into the world?

Did you hold your middle school boyfriend’s hand while you struggled to make it through the entirety of “The Hills Have Eyes”? (Or were you too busy being a teenager and making out in the back row?)

You automatically reach for your face if you accidentally walk into a door and try to release the stress in your shoulders after a long day hunched over your computer at work.

We’ve been programmed to see pressure as a slight, sometimes temporary, relief from pain.

And, when you think about it, someone holding your hand provides a very light form of pressure. Scientists at Johns Hopkins University found when you place pressure on the “fleshy area between the thumb and forefinger,” headaches, dental pain and anxiety can decrease.

So, when your hand is wrapped in someone else’s, his or her palm provides a similar pressure, potentially providing relief from any minor physical or mental pain you might be feeling.

 

It can serve as a powerful statement.

For instance, if a celebrity is spotted holding hands with someone, society automatically assumes the pair is together.

While simple, holding someone’s hand in public, soberly, makes a declaration. It either says you’re together, you have a close relationship or you support what the other person is doing. And humans like to make statements.

We wear graphic t-shirts, post Facebook statuses and tweet our point-of-views. It makes our existence known, and therefore relevant.

It’s convenient and easy.

When we’re walking next to someone, our hands automatically fall to our sides, parallel with the person matching our stride.

No muscle is strained. And you don’t have to worry if your hand placement is weird or if you’re doing it correctly.

It can be sexy.

If you’ve been MIA for the past three years and haven’t heard about the “Fifty Shades Of Grey” phenomenon, then you should know that, sometimes, people like to feel dominated.

Some people like when others are in charge and making decisions. Although handholding is nowhere close to handcuffing, the person with his or her hand on top, the dominant hand, usually has control.

Whether he or she means to or not, in that moment, his or her body language demonstrates a physical control of you. Which, hey, for some people, that’s kind of hot.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Prehistoric Humans May have Started Favoring Monogamy Because of This

by zfortadminin LOVE

It’s nice to think that monogamy is something that came about because people were just that into each other, but new research is here to crush that dream.

A study from the University of Waterloo found that prehistoric humans may have started favoring monogamy (and looking down at polygamy) thanks to sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and peer pressure. Clearly, the stuff of prehistoric romance.

For their research, scientists used computer-modeling techniques to simulate the evolution of different mating behaviors in human populations based on demographics and disease transmission. They discovered that, as hunter-gatherers started settling in one place and living in larger populations, STIs like gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia were more likely to spread. The price of civilization is high.

When the STIs infiltrated the population, it decreased fertility rates among men with multiple sex partners. Unfortunately, there was no medication or Planned Parenthood to come to the rescue back in the day. Since dudes weren’t down with making less babies, they changed their mating behavior to allow them to produce more offspring and act in a way that was better for the group. This was also probably the origin of the phrase “taking one for the team.”

Groups that practiced monogamy ended up becoming bigger than those that didn’t and, since there’s power in numbers, they could overpower those that were still polygamous. And there you have it.

Researchers point out that this probably isn’t the only reason we shifted toward a more monogamous society, since, hello, female choice also played a role, but it’s an interesting model.

So next time you get misty-eyed over a friend’s wedding, just know what’s really behind the union: The deep-seeded fear of STIs.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Easy Ideas to Create More Connected Intimacy

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.” ~John Bulwer

If there’s one thing we all want, it’s intimacy.

We want to feel deeply connected to other people, fully seen and appreciated by them, and secure in those relationships.

We can have a million and one acquaintances online, but if none of our connections feel intimate and meaningful, we will ultimately feel alone.

There’s actually some interesting research that shows we tend to value physical possessions less when we feel loved and accepted by others, because relationships can provide a sense of comfort, insurance, and protection. They truly are the most valuable things in our lives.

I remember when I completed my last promotional tour. It’s something I used to do for work—travel around the country promoting products at sporting events, concerts, and retail locations. I chose this career partly because it seemed adventurous, and partly because it allowed me to distract myself with constant change and motion.

Although there were more than 20 people on the tour, I frequently stayed in separate hotels because my responsibility was to care for the tour dog, and the group often stayed in places that didn’t allow pets.

I’d just decided to leave NYC shortly before this job, after slowly climbing out of years of self-loathing, depression, and isolation. I wanted nothing more than to make real friendships, but I simply didn’t know how.

I saw it happening all around me. I saw women forming bonds that I knew would last for years, while I frequently felt awkward and insecure. I saw romantic relationships blossoming, while I had a superficial fling with someone I hardly knew, who hardly knew me back.

Though I was trying to open up to people and create space for them to open up as well, I still felt alone, love-deprived, and terrified that these feelings would endure. As a consequence, I frequently sabotaged myself and potential connections.

I assumed there was something wrong with me for struggling in relationships, when it was actually my thinking that manifested everything that felt wrong.

I’m sure there are countless other people who’ve been in that place before: feeling isolated, disconnected, and confused about how to change it.

Others still experience something different but related: They have meaningful friendships, but still feel there’s something lacking—like there could be more love coming their way, romantically or otherwise.

I’ve learned a lot about giving and receiving love over these last several years, and I’ve dramatically transformed my thinking and sense of connection as a result. If you’ve ever wanted to feel more loved, you may find these tips helpful:

Open Your Heart

1. Initiate meaningful conversations.

The first step to feeling more loved is creating close relationships, and that starts with meaningful, engaged conversations. These don’t necessarily need to be deep and spiritual in nature. They just need to be honest, authentic, and reciprocal.

You can initiate this type of exchange with anyone at almost any time simply by asking about the other person, fully listening to what they have to say, and then finding common ground. Naturally some people will stay shut down, but it’s worth the risk of feeling vulnerable to find the ones who won’t.

2. Give the gift of your presence.

Often when we converse with people, we’re not fully listening; we’re formulating our response in our heads and waiting for our turn to talk. We’re not only doing the other person a disservice when we do this; we’re also shortchanging ourselves.

Think about the last time you really opened up to someone. It likely required you to feel a level of comfort and trust, even if you didn’t yet know that person very well. The act of opening up is itself an offering of love. It’s an invitation to let someone in.

In recognizing this and welcoming it by fully hearing other people, we are, in fact, receiving love.

3. Open up your love valve.

Just like a heart valve prevents blood from flowing backwards, our love valve might block the flow of energy in our interactions. This generally happens when we get too caught up in our head, thinking, analyzing, and wanting more, instead of being present and allowing a natural give and take.

Come into the moment, take the pressure off the situation, and avoid the urge to fill silences with chatter. Instead, picture the interaction as something cyclical in nature, where there’s a balance of sharing and listening, giving and receiving.

When we clear the mental clutter and allow this type of flow, we are in essence choosing to be love.

Open Your Mind

4. Change your beliefs about the world and love.

When we tell ourselves the same things over and over again, we end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you tell yourself that people don’t care, you’ll put that energy into the world and then easily find evidence to back it up. If you tell yourself you’ll never experience love, you’ll create mental barriers and then subconsciously repel it.

Tell yourself a different story: There’s a lot of love in the world, there’s plenty to go around, you deserve it, and it’s coming to you every day.

5. Consider that love might look different than you visualized it.

In telling yourself that love is coming to you every day, you’re not merely lying to yourself; you’re taking responsibility for recognizing the love around you.

It might not be from the person you want to be with romantically. It might not meet the standards and criteria you defined in your head. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

When a friend pushes you to reach your potential, it’s an act of love. When a family member takes the time to listen to you, helping you form insights about your life, it’s an act of love.

See and appreciate the love all around you and it will surely multiply because you’ll come to potential new relationships with a sense of wholeness instead of lack.

6. Give love when you’re tempted to judge.

Ultimately, this is how we all want to be loved: without judgment, pity, or condescension. Commit to giving this kind of love, both in your existing relationships and in new ones you might be tempted to avoid.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow your instincts when you feel like unsafe around someone. It just means you look below the surface, give people a chance, and in doing so create the potential for more meaningful, mutually supportive relationships.

Make the conscious choice to be understanding and compassionate. While getting isn’t the intention of giving, this will likely set the stage for you to receive the same consideration in return.

Open Your Eyes

7. Value the people who are there.

Sometimes we get so caught up looking for romantic love that we forget to appreciate the friends and family who are always there, offering their support. At least I did. Despite my chronic fear of being seen and judged, and my instinct to self-sabotage, I spent a long time believing that I was incomplete.

I know you might be thinking that friendships aren’t the same as romantic affection, and I understand. I felt this way too. But we don’t attract romantic love into our lives by focusing on what’s missing. We attract potential partners by radiating love.

Take an inventory of all the people who care. There are likely far more than you realize.

8. Recognize the love you’re not giving.

It’s far easier to pinpoint what we’re not getting than it is to be honest with ourselves about what we’re not giving. Perhaps you want people to check in with your more frequently. Are you checking in with them? Maybe you want people to ask more about your personal life. Are you asking them about theirs?

Give the type of love you want to receive. Give praise. Notice the little things. Offer help without it being asked of you.

I’m not suggesting you should always be the one giving. If it feels like a constant one-way street, then it might be time to reevaluate that relationship. But in most healthy ones, giving more freely creates an environment of consideration and generosity.

And then of course there’s the other side of this coin: Ask for what you need! There’s one relationship in my life that’s often felt unbalanced. Recently I asked this friend if she’d call me sometimes just to talk, as opposed to calling for advice. I asked, and now she does.

9. Look deeply at your needs and intentions.

Sometimes when we go out looking for love, we’re really trying to avoid giving ourselves what we need. There’s pain in our past we don’t want to acknowledge; or there’s an emptiness inside that we don’t want to fill on our own.

If you’re feeling a hole somewhere inside, take a close look at what might have caused it. Be strong enough to acknowledge what you need to do for you, whether it’s having a long overdue conversation with a family member, working on your self-esteem, or finding a sense of purpose in life.

We all deserve to feel loved by the people in our lives, but first need to be willing and able to love ourselves. That’s what it takes to feel deeply connected: to feel deeply connected to ourselves and confident in what we can give.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Who is Using Who for Sex?

by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

We’ve all been there, or known someone who has.

Why do smart, compassionate, beautiful women find themselves pining after emotionally unavailable men?

For a while, I was the one my girlfriends always went to when they needed to vent about that one guy who never called them back. I’ve been texted at all hours with excited declarations like “he wants me to come over to watch a movie. It’s 2 am, but still!” And then, there’s the inevitable anguish when “he” doesn’t want a relationship. 

I’ve heard all the stories. I know all the details. Year after year, it’s the same. And it’s heartbreaking. I know too many women who are being used for sex – and none of them are willing to admit it, until it’s too late.

It’s been said to ‘never take advice from some you wouldn’t want to trade places with.’ I’m not an expert, by any means. I am not some magical relationship fairy, who’s never made a bad decision. I have been in this situation myself, but it took me years after the fact to finally look back and admit it. If you want advice on learning how to see through manipulation before it’s too late, read on. The tips I’m about to share with you came from years of my own mistakes, and from watching my friends fall into the same traps year after year.

If a woman is looking for a relationship, why would anyone think it’s okay to manipulate her? Why do one-sided relationships drag on for months and months, until someone’s self-worth has been suffocated? 

The honest answer: We may walk into these bad situations on accident, but we stay there on purpose.

Look, we live in the 21st Century. Mutual, no-strings attached, casual intercourse is totally okay. It’s also just fine for two people to start out on the same page, and change their minds later. You are entitled to end a relationship how and when you wish, and so is he. Everyone has the right to choose. But it is wrong to make the conscious decision to manipulate, coerce, or string someone along just for sex.

Men are not the only guilty parties here. Women use men for sex, as well. But for the purposes of this article, I’m taking aim at the most common scenario. Whether you are male or female, it is important to protect your heart and recognize your needs. Here’s how.

  1. Ask yourself: What are my needs?

    An emotionally healthy relationship requires having conversations that don’t always lead to sex. It requires two people who are there for each other, whether sex is a factor or not. Do you wish he’d take you out on dates? Are you hoping he’ll introduce you to his friends and family? Would you be happier if he shared more with you than just his body? All of us have needs, and you should take the time to define them for yourself.

  2. Make your needs clear before sex is even brought up in conversation.

    Millennials live in a social media-driven culture where we almost “compete” to see who is less attached and more “chill.” I’d go into the reasons behind this, but that’s a topic for another day. My point here is this: Once upon a time, it was completely normal to say “I’m interested in a relationship with you, and would love to take you out on a date.” Now, the boundaries between friendship, casual sex, and dating are a lot less clear. While it’s totally fine to want a casual relationship for sex, it’s not okay to pursue one with someone who wants more than that. If you’ve been burned in the past, recognize that every day is a new opportunity to change the pattern. You’re the captain of your own ship. Your well-being should not be left up to another person. Avoiding manipulation requires YOU making your intentions clear from the start.

  3. Recognize red flags.

    If he’s always unavailable on weekends, but he’ll call you at 11 pm on a Wednesday night to “hang out,” that’s a red flag. If you’ve made it clear you want a relationship, but he keeps ignoring the issue, that’s a red flag. If you’ve never meet his friends (or you’re introduced as merely his ‘friend’ if you do), that’s a red flag. If he goes days without answering your texts (unless it’s to set up a cozy Netflix and chill session), that’s a red flag. If he tells you that he’s not looking for anything serious…that’s THE sign it’s not happening.

…Do you see where I’m going with this?

  1. Be honest with yourself.

    All too often, we diminish our feelings to suit the person we’re hoping to impress. I know it can be difficult to assess the situation amid the endless butterflies and infatuated thoughts. But if you really examine the situation, it’s often pretty obvious when a guy is not down for commitment.

  2. The only person you can change is you. 

    At this point, you may be thinking, “I’ll be the one to change his mind!” But I am here to tell you that it doesn’t work that way. If he changes his mind for you, it won’t be because you let him sleep with you, allowed him to repeatedly ignore you, and pretended that you don’t have needs. You deserve love and respect. And this requires loving and respecting yourself. If you want a relationship, and it’s clear that he doesn’t… your friend should find a new sex buddy and you should look for commitment elsewhere.

So – are you setting yourself up for heartbreak? Most of us already have the answers, we’re just too afraid to see them. No amount of calling your girlfriends, reading advice articles, or scrolling through his Instagram will give you the validation you need. You deserve to be honest with yourself, and to find a partner who is honest, too.

This Secret Ingredient Creates Genuine Sex Appeal

by zfortadminin Sex

That is the kind of sexy that lingers on in the mind, inviting curiosity and interest.

Selling sex appeal is a billion dollar industry. Everywhere we turn, we are bombarded with sensory stimulation that insists how buying a certain outfit, a pair of shoes, a brand name perfume, handbags, prohibitively expensive cars, underwear, accessories even a certain pair of socks will make us ooze sex appeal.  Just the thing we need to spruce up our otherwise banal existences.

Billboards are getting exceedingly edgier, not to mention television advertisements in which models adorn high-end luxury cars, sending subliminal messages suggesting that the man who purchases this car will now be armed with the adequate sex appeal to attract copious leggy models. Recently I came across an advertisement doing the rounds on the internet, of a model biting hungrily into a juicy burger as mayonnaise drips down the corners of her mouth. It makes you think, who needs the hassle of a relationship when you can have a burger that apparently provides all the sexiness, without the drama?

Have we not become overburdened with such images? Everything guarantees sex appeal and lots of attention, even a dishwasher! So pervasive are these images that once too often we have noticed the poor dear on the street that donned the latest ‘sexy trend’ only to do him or herself the gravest injustice. Sexy is neither the fabric nor the tailoring, if you don’t’ have what it takes to carry it. But the persuasive advertisements will have you convinced otherwise. They will direct you to what ‘they’ think, (“they’ who have no clue of your individuality) what you should wear and how you should look. The dirty secret ‘they’ don’t tell you is how sex appeal, like many other qualities cannot be bought at the mall because it is not sewn into the fabric of the merchandise they are trying to sell you.

It is not such a rare occurrence to come across a uniquely attractive face, that does not hold up to the standard, air-brushed images splashed across magazine covers, and yet has a certain je ne sais quoi? We know it wasn’t the clothes or the shoes, it was unmistakably a deeper element ensconced within the personality, which ever so casually oozed out of every pore of that person’s being. You look carefully and see the facial features are not quite the standard idea of beauty, despite that, the whole persona is redolent with sex appeal.
When you don’t have to buy the hottest trends, the most expensive clothing or jewellery and get your hair and make up done by a professional each time you want to be ‘seen’, and yet, you exude an appeal that makes one hunger for just another look; that is what is sexy in the truest sense. We have all too often spotted women baring it (almost) all and looked on with dismissive amusement, while none can deny being totally taken by the vision of a confident woman who’s engaging and beautiful smile had our eyes follow her halfway across the block. There is an allure, a certain mystery that sets her apart. Baring it all will attract attention, for a definitive period of time and not always the kind one seeks, whereas floating with that inner confidence and feminine presence will always invoke lasting admiration.

Sex appeal is not a product that can be purchased over-the-counter, it is a state of mind, an inner state of being. It has nothing to do with the act of sex itself. It is not to be found in your closet, in what you wear, it is inside your head. Some women and men can look incredulously sexy hailing a cab, or stirring coffee in the kitchen or watering plants.

That is because sex appeal has more to do with self-esteem and confidence than with low necklines and high skirts. Not the kind of self-assuredness that comes across as hubris, but the kind that is at peace with its strengths and its flaws.

This holds true for men too — not all men who have toiled in the gym for the buffest body will ooze it. They may warrant a head turn or two; but we have also seen men who have a certain presence, an inner confidence as they walk into a room, again, that certain je ne sais quoi. That is the kind of sexy that lingers on in the mind, inviting curiosity and interest.

Confidence and self-esteem are qualities one is hard pressed to find in abundance in both genders. So when we see it, we instantly recognize it, it always makes the individual stand apart. It’s hard to put one’s finger on what it is exactly, but suffice to say people who have worked to conquer their inadequacies and made peace with themselves are the one’s who have that evanescent appeal.

Sex appeal comes from having the confidence to not just play up one’s qualities and revel in them, but to embrace one’s imperfections too. So its not as simple as putting on a sexy outfit, because on closer look anyone will notice that there is little else beyond the outfit. It is being sexy in whatever you’re wearing or doing.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Craving Intimacy or is it Sex?

by zfortadminin Sex

Hi,

After coming off a long-term relationship (think nearly a decade) I need to stay single for a while and rediscover myself. That said, good sex is something that I very much enjoy and am looking for. While I am looking for casual sex or friends with benefits right now, advertising this seems to degrade conversations to focus on just sex and I tend to be more attracted to personalities. So either I meet people who are just looking to get laid and the sex is mediocre because the emotional connection isn’t there or have a great connection and break hearts when I no longer want to hook up. I have also been in a wonderful relationship with an amazing woman in this time but I was struggling to find the space I needed for myself. And despite how good everything else was, I needed the space to find myself more.

Ultimately, I’m just frustrated. I’m learning a lot about myself and what I want. I have tried to be as upfront with everyone as possible about where I am and what I am looking for, but I only seem to disappoint and hurt people. Maybe I can stop caring so much about the people I meet and their feelings toward me, but everyone I have met so far has been wonderful and worthy of some respect.

Thanks,

Frustrated

Hey Frustrated,

A long time ago I had a voice coach who I saw once a week. This guy was incredible. He had a big wide grin and a gap between his front teeth and a voice that could hit notes I didn’t even know existed. He also had a rare ability to make me believe in myself. More than that even — he could make me believe in my voice. And while all this coaching and singing was going on, there was also sometimes a little chatting. I’d tell him about what was going on in my life and he’d give me some advice. The thing about his advice was that it was better than advice I’d ever gotten from anyone else, and to be fair, better than most advice I’ve gotten since.

Anyway, one time we were talking sex and dating. Now, this guy was cool as hell. So it struck me when he said, “One of the problems with having sex super early in a relationship is that it can create a false sense of intimacy between two people getting to know one another. Like, sex is a form of intimacy but it’s a kind of intimacy that, when you don’t really know each other, can serve as shorthand or escape when the emotional intimacy rears its head.” He interlaced his fingers and touched the tips of his thumbs together, and he held up his hands so I could see the hole in the center. “That physical intimacy connects you, and it’s a pretty strong glue. That glue can keep you together even when you shouldn’t be together, even if you don’t fill in the center with something solid that keeps your connection from slowly collapsing over time.”

I’ve been thinking about that advice for a very long time. Somehow it never quite stuck, as much as I wanted it to, and as much as I wanted to wait and get to know people. I ended up stuck to at least one person for a long time because the sex was so good, and I ended up feeling connected to plenty more based on what amounted to very little closeness.

PHYSICAL INTIMACY CAN KEEP YOU TOGETHER — EVEN WHEN YOU SHOULDN’T BE.

When I read your letter I feel the same sort of tension my coach was talking about, even though what you’re experiencing is from another angle. You feel like leading with your interest in “just sex” means you can’t find someone you have good sex with. Right, that makes sense! I mean, yes, sex with a total stranger can be great. Some people prefer to have sex with people with whom they don’t have an emotional attachment or don’t even know. Maybe, like you, they don’t want the entanglement. Some people think the emotional aspect can make sex too heavy or less hot or comfortable in the boring way. Some people find a lot of pleasure in the purely physical, or at least the physical as heavily privileged over the emotional.

Similarly, I bet you’ve met some strangers with good personalities and still had mediocre sex with them. But what I think you’re experiencing is that “leading with sex” doesn’t “degrade” the conversation so much as it allows sex to stand in for intimacy in general. You prefer to connect with people emotionally as well as physically. And that’s okay! Being close to and comfortable with someone brings in trust and allows you to relax in very special ways. You can perform a lot less, be a lot more honest, and (hopefully) learn how to please one another. It’s partly why sometimes (but not always) the first with a new person are fumbly and awkward, because you’re nervous and unsure and still learning each other’s bodies, desires, languages.

IT’S OKAY IF YOU PREFER TO CONNECT WITH PEOPLE EMOTIONALLY AS WELL AS PHYSICALLY

And hey, I’ve had what I thought were strong cerebral and / or emotional connections that resulted in some of the worst sex of my life! In those cases what I found was that selfishness plays a big role, and in fact, a role that I hadn’t previously considered. It’s okay if both (or all, depending how many folks you’ve got) people are equally selfish in sex — and maybe this is why a lot of stranger sex can be hot, because that desire to please the self is pretty strong on both sides. But maybe this is why it’s frustrating for many, because a lot of people want sex to be a thing both people enjoy. Also many people (especially heterosexual women) don’t know how to be selfish during sex, or are unsure how to communicate what they want and stop what they don’t enjoy. (Note: here I mean consensual sex, as stopping non-consensual sex is a different topic.)

So yeah, there’s a lot of tangling and disentangling, a lot of being unsure of how to mesh those fingers without either side getting stuck. But there’s another tension I hear in your letter, and I’m wondering if you hear it, too, now that it’s been a little while since you wrote it.

You’re a person who likes emotional connection. I think you are trying to be honest with your partners, but I also think part of the problem is that you’re not being entirely honest with yourself. It’s not simply personalities that turn you on, it’s personalities in people with whom you are able to feel comfortable and intimate and close. But that’s scary because that’s relationship territory. You want to be out there discovering who you are as a non-relationshipped person — which I totally encourage. But you still want to be close to people, to be intimate and caring.

What I think is happening is your partners are picking up on this desire. You’re saying “I don’t want anything serious!” but you’re investing in them emotionally and allowing them to invest in return, because that intimacy makes sex wonderful for you and them. Maybe you’re not going the full “we’re in a relationship” distance with your intimacy, but you might be going farther than you realize. So a partner hears “I don’t want anything serious” and then isn’t sure how to interpret your emotional intimacy as something other than “more than casual.” It can be confusing. Compounding that is the fact that people — all of us! — have a bad habit of ignoring when someone says, “Hey this is who I am and where I am.” Instead we focus on the cues and behaviors that play into what we want.

WE CAN NEVER FULLY AVOID HURTING PEOPLE WITH WHOM WE ARE INTIMATE, NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY

Look, I can’t think of anyone who actively wants to have bad sex, although there’s a fetish for everything so who I am to say. And most of us don’t want to have mediocre sex either. I guess some people would be okay with mediocre or bad sex rather than no sex, but I am not one of them. You don’t seem to be either! I also get that you don’t want to be celibate either while you’re out finding who you are as a person not defined by that last relationship. But I think what you need to be is honest and up front with yourself as much as with your partners. You like emotional intimacy. You like closeness. Maybe you really like being in a relationship, even if you don’t feel ready. It’s okay to be nervous or scared because of a recent breakup, or because you don’t want to rush back into something and not give yourself time to breathe. I applaud everyone and anyone who doesn’t hop from relationship to relationship because they are scared to be single. But I also want to encourage you to think about what it is you’re really telling people when you’re with them, not with your words but with your actions and behaviors. I want to encourage you to think about what you’re possibly afraid of, and what it is you might want — besides a lot of hot sex. I want you to explore what kinds of honest relationships you can have besides “friends with benefits” vs. “monogamous, long-term relationship.”

We can never fully avoid hurting people with whom we are intimate, no matter how hard we try. But I believe we can mitigate the hurt a little bit by moving through the world with a stronger, deeper self-awareness, especially in terms of how our actions and behaviors affect and impact those around us. Other people are going to interpret what we say and do in ways we can’t anticipate or control. So get honest with yourself. Observe yourself. Listen to your own voice. Get a better sense of what you ask for and what you give, and of what deeper desires are really driving you. That will help guide you. I think it might even help guide you to relationships with people who want the kinds of intimacy you want right now, with the boundaries and constraints that allow you to explore who you are while exploring who they are, too.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Matters to these Couples and Why We Should Care

by zfortadminin LOVE

Love is love.

Interracial relationships are beautiful.

This country didn’t always think so, however, since it wasn’t until less than 50 years ago that it became legal for mixed race couples to marry.

On June 12, 1967, the Supreme Court struck down state laws which banned individuals of different races from marrying in the Loving v. Virginia decision. Sunday marks the 48th annual celebration of this progressive milestone, aptly named “Loving Day.”

“I see Richard and Mildred Loving as strong yet soft-spoken heroes for me, my family, and generations to come,” Loving Day founder Ken Tanable wrote of the couple who helped make this decision possible. “They simply loved each other and wanted equality for all. This basic notion of celebrating love continues to be just as important today. I strongly encourage everyone to learn more about them and the gift they left us. Through knowledge, shared stories, and support, we can build a community that believes love is love.”

To celebrate Loving Day, HuffPost Black Voices asked its readers who are in interracial marriages and relationships to share their love with us. We received 30 responses from couples echoing Tanable’s sentiments and telling why their love matters. Their love for each other is absolutely heart warming.

Check out these wonderful couples below and if you’re in an interracial relationship, tell us why your love matters in the comments sections below.

TaRaea and Bryan

“My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and together for almost 9 years. Both of our parents are in interracial marriages that have lasted 30+ years.Our parents embodied the freedom to love someone based on who they are, regardless of their skin color. We are immensely thankful for Mr. & Mrs. Loving for fighting for the basic human right of marring whomever you want.” – TaRaea Todtenhoefer

Keosha and Jonathan

“Our interracial relationship matters because love isn’t simple but family is. We are getting married in August of this year, and it each day I see the strength in our love and our family. I have no need to prove our love to people who assume we are not together because the idea of a black woman and a white man being in love is beyond their reality, and quite frankly, confuses them. I cannot stop people who see me holding his son’s (now my son’s) hand in the street from assuming that I am the nanny. Not seeing our love makes things complicated and fuels an ignorance that has plagued our society for generations. I realized that I cannot fix those thoughts in people. I can just love my family. Yes, I am Black and he is White but more importantly, he is the man that loves me. And just as important, I love him.” – Keosha Bond and Jonathan Shank

Franklyn and Niki

“My relationship with my girlfriend Niki matters to me because I can freely love someone who makes me a better person and keeps me happy. She understands that being with me will be a challenge, especially in a world where some people think interracial couples are to be looked down upon. One of the most important things about my relationship is that she loves me being unapologetically Black. 

The amount of love I feel isn’t quantifiable. I’ve been with Niki for less than a year, and we’re already having our first child, but I feel so connected to her in multiple ways. Knowing that less than fifty years ago, she and I could have never been together is a daunting thought. When loving someone becomes a crime, upheld by white supremacy, I think of how fortunate I am to have someone like her.” – Franklyn Brown

David and Karl

“My relationship with my partner, Karl, matters most of all because we support each other, bring joy to each other, and help challenge each other to become our best selves.

But in doing that, we daily commit “personal as political” acts that we believe have an impact, however subtle, on how others perceive both race and sexual orientation.  As an interracial couple, we demonstrate that individuals of different races have more in common than not. This is particularly important in the gay community where race continues to be a polarizing factor in the pursuit of sexual and romantic interactions.  In the hetero-normative world, our presence has a double impact, helping to break down pre-conceived notions regarding racial divisions as well as challenging others regarding how they view same-sex relationships.A recent event serves as an illustration: we attended Karl’s 25th college reunion at Colgate University in early June.  By publicly identifying and acting as a loving couple in a mostly white and heterosexual environment, our presence required his classmates, other attendees, and their families to acknowledge our legitimacy as a gay couple and as an interracial couple.  As we also attended several events for Alumni of Color, we served a similar purpose in those social situations.” – David Pasteelnick

Jasmine and Roope

“My wonderful partner, Roope, was living 4000 miles away in Finland when we met during his first visit to New York City in 2014. We fell in love deeply and quickly soon after that. Our interracial relationship matters because we can live, laugh, and love out in the open and free of ridicule, which is a privilege that I know many still do not have even in 2016. We have both learned a lot about each other’s cultures and how different life is when you’re both a different race and nationality in America. Our relationship has opened both our minds to each other’s worlds and, I think, we’ve become better people because of it.“ – Jasmine Bayron

Sharon and Vincent

“Love transcends racial and cultural differences.  Although we come from very different backgrounds, the two of us share important values.  The silk screen in the background of our wedding picture says it all, ‘One Race-Human-One Love.’” – Sharon Dole

Chima and Laura

“Since youth, I was told that I was only allowed to marry a girl of my own race. I was warned that straying away from my dark brown skin was unethical, and unacceptable. I was informed that a relationship outside of my melanin could never work. Until I met my Laura. She was the first person to ever disprove the warnings I had been given, and helped me realize that I can truly spend my life with someone despite our differences in pigmentation. My relationship matters, because in Laura, I found a best friend, a lover, and a soon to be wife. None of this would have been possible without Loving v. Virginia.” – Chima Odinkemere

Tre and Jamie

“We are not a couple because of, or in spite of, our race or ethnicity. We are with each other because of the individuals we are and the love we share. Race and culture play a big part in our identity and life, but what makes us appreciate one another is how we as individuals integrate our experiences, think about things, and react to situations. We both believe that our relationship is more interesting than any previous, and part of the reason is our differing races. We have learned a lot about diversity from one another. While we have learned more about the cultures each one of us is from, we have also found that our relationship has made us more understanding of how individuals from all different cultures vary in amazing ways. Noticing differences in race and ethnicity does not make us think that people should be separated by their skin tone, but rather, it makes us realize that we should all come together because we have so much to learn from one another. (And we have so much different, delicious food to share among cultures!) We choose to share what we have learned from our interracial relationship with family, friends, and classmates in the hopes of spreading, understanding and promoting acceptance of diversity. The two of us have been open and honest about race and its impacts on our relationship and society as a whole from the beginning and we will continue to do so, even if the conversations get tough. All in all, we know that we are in an awesome relationship and we wouldn’t trade it for anything.” – Jamie Bergmiller

Susanna and Nikia

“My interracial relationship matters because I want our future children to look at us and experience freedom, on so many levels. When kids can see the future of the world in front of them, a reality that has overcome (but continues to fight) racism, homophobia and sexism, then we start to see real change in our lifetime. I want them to live in and celebrate that freedom.” – Susanna Speed

Darrell and Keia

“My interracial relationship matters because it shows what love really is. Two people being brought together to share their life. Skin tone should not be deal breaker for anyone. Loving a person’s heart, mind, and spirit is what’s important. Looks will fade but knowing you are with someone that is your partner in life (and sometimes crime lol) is what matters when my boobs drop and his six pack fades, we will be sitting on the porch talking crazy to another. #loveislove” – Keia Foster

April and Parker

“This is my boyfriend Parker and I. We met as campus counselors in Oklahoma. We met from his sister introducing us and we hit it off right before sophomore year of college! We found out we both went to the same college and from there it was chemistry! I love him so much and wouldn’t change a thing. We have been together for almost two years. Our interracial relationship matters because we love each other beyond our skin color and our cultures. We have to fight everyday basic prejudice from others, but we know we want to have a life together one day.Our families were initially hesitant but are both behind us. We do plan to marry soon. Our relationship matters for other people like us who want to love in the open without being banned from their families and they just want to love who they want freely. #LovingDay” – April Garrett

Olivia and Matt

“There are so many reasons why he is my person, but one reason he’s special is because he is so incredibly woke. I’ve never met a white man that tries so hard to be in tune with the black American experience. He’s been raising his adopted 17 year old African-American brother for the past 5 years since his mom passed. From watching (and re-watching) “Lemonade” or “Girlhood” to attending panels with Janet Mock and Angelica Ross or discussing the PBS Black Panthers documentary, he’s such a gem! I was so nervous to show him my natural hair, but on this day, he said he wanted to get “crown crunk.” It’s not the most flattering picture of us, but I love it. And him ✨” – Olivia Morris

Adia and Benjamin

“My relationship matters because it’s rooted in our shared faith in God and deep respect for who were are as individuals. Our relationship has helped bridge the gap on a small scale; of cultural divides in our social circles. This is my first inter-racial relationship and his and we’ve learned there are differences, but not as many as we both originally believed. Loving Ben is like home to me, a home that has no color or limitations.” – Adia Hamer

Nora and Todd

“Our interracial relationship matters because we prove to the world everyday that love has and should have no boundaries. We have been together for 25 years and have 3 amazing children. We have experienced our share of racism and bigotry from all sides but we remain and will remain steadfast in our conviction that love sees no color, and despite hardships our love is stronger and our bond is unbreakable.“ – Nora Johnson

Altheria and Francisco

“Francisco is as proud of his Mexicanness as I am of my Blackness! Instead of pretending to be blind to our differences, we acknowledge our cultural backgrounds as they have helped shaped us into the individuals we each love and admire. Our distinct cultural traditions make our lives rich and vibrant! We watch Mexican soccer and we watch U.S. football. We celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King and we celebrate Cesar Chavez. We eat tortillas and we eat cornbread. We listen to Maná and we listen to Beyoncé. We speak English, and we speak Spanish.

As individuals of color, we have a shared consciousness of how colonialism and racism and nativism and capitalism continually work together to oppress our folk. Our relationship matters for many reasons, but perhaps most importantly because we are a symbol of resistance. We resist those who want to define interracial love as deviant. Our union is not miscegenation. There is nothing “mis” or “bad” about it. Instead, it is a striking amalgamation of all the richness that our cultures means to us. Our relationship matters because we choose to live and love in a society that is intent and strategic in positioning Mexicans and Blacks at odds with each other. We resist this positioning. Through our friends and family, we are purposeful in bringing members of both ethnicities together. We were married on March 28 last year in Guadalajara, Mexico. Since our first date in 2012, we have visited more than ten countries together, our mere presence attesting to our right to choose the partner who makes our hearts sing and to the beauty of Blexican love!” – Altheria Caldera

Curated by Erbe
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