How to Spot Sexual Attraction in Eyes

Out of all the different non-verbal behaviors, I think that spotting attraction is without a doubt the easiest. We are very emotional creatures and when we’re attracted to somebody, it’s very, very difficult to hide. People think they’re hiding it, but things always slip.

One of the ways they slip are essentially the eyes. There are a lot of different ways you can use the eyes to determine whether or not someone’s attracted to you. The first thing is essentially eye contact. For the most part, usually we make eye contact with people that we’re interested in or people that we’re attracted to. Right? But this is not entirely true. Some people are shy or anxious and they’re not going to make eye contact. So what you’re looking for essentially is a deviation in eye contact.

So one of the ways you can use eye contact and there’s a little trick that’s very, very reliable. So what you’re going to do is if you look at somebody in a bar or restaurant or on the street and they break eye contact vertically, so they look down. So you make eye contact with them and they break eye contact vertically and then within 20-30 seconds they reestablish eye contact, approach them. They like you. It’s a very, very reliable thing.

Essentially what they’re doing. You stare at them. They’re submitting to you and then they take a little second glance to see who you are. It’s very, very, very reliable. The opposite of that would be if you look at somebody and they look at you and they immediately go and break eye contact. Nope, not interested. But what is reliable is they break eye contact and they come back. Break eye contact and then come back. Break eye contact and then come back. It’s very interesting.

And don’t let it wait. If you see that, go right away because the more and more you wait. The more and more eye contact becomes very, very awkward. One of the things that I do in one of my classes is I have people stare each other in the eyes for three minutes without saying anything. They just stare each other in the eyes like this. Try that. Go out and try to stare somebody in the eyes for even 90 seconds. I guarantee you can’t do it. It’s awkward. It’s so awkward because humans are not really at a level intimacy. When you stare somebody in the eyes is so awkward when you’re doing it with a stranger.

Studies will show that if you stare somebody in the eyes for 90 seconds to three minutes, all of a sudden you’re going to like that person a lot better than everybody else in the room because you kind of shared this emotional connection. So eye contact is important in that respect.

The second thing you can look for essentially is blink rate. Now, this is really cool. So blink rate correlate with emotional excitement. When we are emotionally excited, our blink rates tend to increase. Right? Average blink rates tend to be below 20 blinks per minute. For most people it really depends on where you are, but it’s really hard to nail down what the average blink rate is. But in my experience, it seems to be around 10 blinks per minute. Right? So you see, whenever you see a sudden spike or a bunch of sudden spikes in somebody’s blink rate in can be an indication of attraction. In my dating studies you see blink rates through the roof because the person across the table from you has an emotional response. You’re attracted to them.

The third way of kind of using the eyes to determine attraction is dilation. It’s very interesting. Our eyes dilate when we’re attracted to something. Right? Go out and find a Maxim magazine or a Playboy magazine or any cover that’s predominately men focusing. Every single woman will have her eyes dilated. You never, ever see them constricted. The reason why is because men perceive women with dilated eyes more attractive than women with more constricted eyes. To the point of back in the day prostitutes used to put a specific toxin in their eyes to make them dilate.

Intelligent Men… Reasons Why They Are Sexually Attractive to You

Do you find intelligent men attractive? Why?

1. When a woman is intelligent, she wants a man who can engage her intelligence.

2. Intelligent men don’t always talk about sex, they have much to talk about. A woman gets wowed by depth.

3. Women get attracted to a man who they can admire. An intelligent mind is admirable.

4. Deep sexual attraction starts in the mind, an intelligent man will get to the mind of an intelligent woman.

5. Intelligent men have proven they explore for knowledge, that is the same hunger and passion they will use in exploring the woman, her core and her body. She wants to be studied.

6. A woman is more than a sexual being; she is an intellectual, spiritual, social, creative and complicated being. An intelligent man taps into all that she is.

7. An intelligent man inspires growth. Women love being with a man who they can learn from or experience growth with. She will find herself drowning in the presence of such a man, with him as her man, she will melt in desire and the longing for adventure.

8. An intelligent man who is not full of pride is easy to work with, easy to hold conversations with. Women get turned on by intimate talks. Give her quality conversations and sexual intimacy will be heightened.

9. An intelligent man has grown himself to a point where his face, eyes and demeanour alone can speak. All he needs to do sometimes is give his woman a strong look and she will feel his intensely guarded sexual control and energy.

10. An intelligent man has a strong micro-climate around him. He walks in the room, the bedroom with confidence, his presence is felt, he is a strong spirit with a deep mind. He leans by his woman and she wants his chemistry surrounding her.

11. An intelligent and loving man describes her body in a mature way, he calls out her body. How he talks about her breasts, behind, thighs, smile, eyes and essence in such a sophisticated and studious way makes her blood boil. She surrenders to him because of his intense love that is expressed in such an intelligent and creative way.

Intelligence is about being grown mentally, whether or not you have a University Degree, Masters or PhD. It is about being wise, thinking higher thoughts, respecting all women, and elevating and valuing the one and only woman you love.

A woman finds a smart, grown, deep, knowledgeable, attentive and faithful man so sexy.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Ask Him Out! Here’s How.

The tables have turned. Women are in charge, there are now even dating apps that immediately put the ball in our court to open the conversation with a man of interest. So why not do it on the street?

I was 24 years old. One morning, I went to breakfast with a friend. I noticed a man with olive skin, and slightly longer hair that took my breath away. My friend said that I should say something, but I was too timid. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t eat anything; there was just something about this guy. My friend finally decided that she was going to say something. She walked over to his table and told him that her friend was interested in him. He asked “What friend?” She turned around and I had jumped the fence of the restaurant and was hiding in a clothing store next door. “Uh, she was just here, anyway, here’s her number…”

He called. We arranged to meet that night. He ended up coming to a Comedy Show I was performing at. He joined to grab a bite with all the comics afterwards and ended up picking up the entire bill. Thus began the passionate affair with a serious gentleman that lasted for the next three years. (I know this would be better if I said “ …and now we’ve been married for x years,” but it was a significant relationship and an experience that I learned a lot from.) He totally Pretty Woman’d me (except I wasn’t a prostitute, just a young, nerdy kid). Regardless, the relationship helped me bloom into the woman I am today.

That is an example of what can happen when you say something (albeit it, my friend spoke on my behalf). This was in 2006, it is now 2015, and fewer and fewer men have the gumption to approach a woman in public. The tables have turned. Women are in charge, there are now even dating apps that immediately put the ball in our court to open the conversation with a man of interest. So why not do it on the street?

How many times do you see someone in public that you find cute but are too shy to do anything about it? The next time you are on the elevator with someone that peaks your interest, or see someone at a coffee shop, just walk up to the guy and introduce yourself. What do you have to lose? It’s so easy to hide behind your computer screen or be glued to your phone that you could in fact miss an opportunity right in front of your face. Look up folks! There are men everywhere; who says we can’t speak to them? I know, it might seem super creepy and weird at first, but it’s actually not that bad. Turns out, guys are really easy to approach. THEY LOVE WOMEN and don’t mind talking to us!

I have since been helping friends have the confidence to approach men and have two relationships under my belt. Most guys think it’s sexy and a turn-on, very few feel “intimidated” by it and come on, who wants a guy that feels intimidated by a woman anyway? Confidence is always attractive regardless of gender. It shows that you aren’t afraid of failure, and that is a great quality to have in life.

How about you? Do you make the first move?

How Your Brain Falls in Love

They don’t call love a drug for nothing. When we fall for someone, our brains release a cocktail of chemicals, creating feelings of euphoria and pleasure and (if all goes well) closeness and comfort.

That complex organ inside our head is hardwired to want love and keep love at all costs—a response that has been crucial to the survival of our species.

Curious what that hardwiring looks like? Here’s what happens in your brain at six stages of romantic love.

1. First attraction: Call me maybe*

Say you develop a crush on your neighbor. Every time you think about this person, you feel giddy—you feel really good. What’s happening? The neurons in your brain are releasing dopamine, a feel-good hormone and neurotransmitter associated with euphoria (as well as gambling and drug addiction). And because your brain wants you to keep pursuing this feeling, like a little love-carrot, it fires off more dopamine every time you think about the crush.

2. Early courtship: You really got me

Notice how whenever you really like someone you get nervous before a date? Your palms sweat, your heart races, and you can practically feel the adrenaline surging through your body? Well, that’s because it is. In the early throes of a romantic relationship, your brain sends a signal to the adrenal gland (located on top of the kidneys) to pump out the chemicals adrenaline, epinephrine, and norepinephrine, giving you a rush of excitement.

Norepinephrine is especially key. Like dopamine, it makes us feel good—but it also makes us feel infatuated and obsessed. It’s our brain’s way of saying: keep going.

3. The fall: Addicted to love

Now you’re hooked. Suddenly you want to be around this person every minute of every day. Why? Studies (particularly the work of anthropologist Helen Fisher) have shown that the same part of your brain that activates when you’re addicted to cocaine activates when you’re in love. It’s called the limbic reward system.

Basically, your brain has decided that love is essential and wants more. From an evolutionary standpoint, this response developed to help us procreate, then raise offspring together. Did you know the love drive is stronger than the sex drive?

During this phase, the limbic system continues to release dopamine, which acts as a feel-good electrical current and keeps you craving the person you love. When the object of your desire is not around, you may feel like you’re in withdrawal, motivating you to see him or her again. As with any drug, however, the high has diminishing returns—which is why, after a few months, the rush can weaken and people fall out of love. Unless, of course, they’ve become attached.

4. The rose-colored glasses: You are so beautiful

What flaws? While falling in love, we often ignore red flags that our friends see loud and clear. That’s because—while other parts of the limbic reward system are lighting up like a Christmas tree—the amygdala decides to shut down, according to brain scans, taking our good judgment with it.

The amygdala, a set of neurons located in the temporal lobe, plays a big role in how we react to stimuli. It’s key to making judgment calls, recognizing fearful situations, and can even decipher when someone is lying to us. When people are in love, however, the amygdala takes a little nap—which clouds judgment and causes the enamored to see his or her beloved through rose-colored glasses.

5. Attachment: Only wanna be with you

You’ve bonded. As we spend time with the object of our affection, our brains start to release oxytocin, nicknamed “the love hormone.” This neuropeptide is produced in the hypothalamus and released into our brains during times of intimacy—when mothers breastfeed their babies, for example, or when we orgasm. Studies have shown that oxytocin is key to fostering trust and commitment. Unlike the quick high of dopamine, oxytocin is subtler and sticks around longer, leading to a deeper attachment.

6. Deep attachment: Never gonna give you up

Over time love can, of course, develop into deep companionship. When two people have been committed to each other for years, their brains show increased activity in the ventral pallidum.

This region of the brain is rich with oxytocin and vasopressin receptors—two chemicals associated with monogamy and deep attachment—which, according to work by Helen Fisher, explains why it lights up when people experience long-term attachment. It’s the same region of the brain that activates in monogamous prairie voles, who mate for life.

Brain scans show that the limbic reward system remains active during deep attachment as well—meaning couples in this stage experience the rush of early courtship along with deep attachment. Love is great.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Are Your Genetics Effecting Who You Are Attracted to?

…the researchers set out to determine whether genes or the environment was a bigger influence on how people perceived attractiveness.

Is that guy sexy? Is that woman beautiful? If you ask these questions to a group of people, they may have different answers, and a new study hints at why: Your perception of other people’s attractiveness is mainly the result of your own experiences.

In the study of twins, researchers found that a person’s environment plays a bigger role than genes in shaping whom they find attractive.

The idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder has been around for a long time, said Laura Germine, a psychiatric researcher at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston and lead author of the new study. But the scientific study of this idea has been limited, she said. [Seeing Double: 8 Fascinating Facts About Twins]

Most research on perceptions of attractiveness has focused on finding which characteristics people generally find attractive in others’ faces, Germine told Live Science. For example, researchers have found that faces that are more symmetrical are generally more attractive, she said.

In the new study, published on Oct. 1 in the journal Current Biology, the researchers looked at 547 sets of identical twins (who have identical DNA) and 214 sets of fraternal twins (who share half their DNA) in the Australian Twin Registry. The participants looked at 98 male faces and 102 female faces, and gave them a rating based on how attractive they thought the faces were. The researchers then used these ratings to come up with what they called “individual preference scores,” which were a measure of how much each participant’s ratings differed from the ratings of the average of all people in the study, according to the study.

In the first part of the study, the researchers found that if they selected two participants at random, the participants agreed on the attractiveness of a face 48 percent of the time on average, and disagreed 52 percent of the time.

That’s consistent with a previous study that found that, on the one hand, fashion models can “make a fortune with their good looks” but friends can still “endlessly debate about who is attractive and who is not,” the researchers wrote in the study, quoting an earlier study of the topic.

Is it Love or Something Else?

Ever wondered if you were truly in love, or truly in lust?

Did you know that falling in love actually happens over time, and the journey from initial attraction to deep romantic love is a predictable course that depends on many different factors?

Love is an intense feeling of affection toward another person. It’s a profound and caring attraction that forms emotional attachment.

On the flip side, lust is a strong desire of a sexual nature that is based on physical attraction. Lust can transform into deep romantic love, but it usually takes time.

Two individuals will transform their lust into love when they get to see the whole individual (their strengths and weaknesses) and get past the “fantasy level.

Dr. Helen Fisher, a well-known researcher on the topic of romantic love, has identified three stages to falling in love in her excellent book Why Him? Why Her?: How to Find and Keep Lasting Love and I’ve been inspired by her research in writing this post.

Which stage are you at?

Stage 1: Lust

Lust is the first stage of falling in love. It’s driven by desire. The sex hormones play an important role in this stage. According to experts, this stage may begin immediately and can last up to two years.

Signs that you’re in lust:

  • You’re focused on the physical appearance of the object of your desire.
  • There is a strong desire to have sex, but not deep emotional conversations.
  • You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
  • You are lovers, but not necessarily friends.

Stage 2: Attraction

This is the “love-struck” phase. When you spend hours daydreaming about your lover; when you lose sleep or your appetite, you know you’re in this phase. The neurohormones that play an important role in the attraction or infatuation phase are dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. These are the hormones that send our heart racing, and might actually make us feel like we are going insane.

Attract the Right Person for You

If I told you that I had the secret for finding your soul mate, your dream guy, your Ryan Gosling, would you give it a try?

Using crystals is a way to place good vibes out into the universe and attract the type of partner you find attractive. You can keep them in your purse, on your bedside table, or on your desk so their magnetic energy is always on hand.

Here are some crystal cocktails to enchant different types of guys. They have potent attraction energy behind them, so be careful what you wish for, crystal lovers…

The Creative

Want an über-inspired, creatively charged crystal to hook, line, and sinker yourself a creative soul mate? Then you need one or all of these:

Carnelian helps you connect to your creative side by revitalizing your body, mind, and soul and heightening your joyful energy and motivation. You’ll feel inspired, and he’ll be inspired to spend more time around you.

Labradorite is a stone that supports your visions, dreams, and goals, helping you visualize your future creative partner.

Crystal cocktail poured, shaken, and served for one creative!

The Romantic

Hopelessly addicted to all things The Notebook and Dirty Dancing? Well, your Prince Charming is out there, and he’s probably looking for you right now. Help him connect with your romantic vibrations by keeping these Cupid crystals on hand:

Consider rose quartz the mack daddy of romantic crystals—it connects with all things heart.

Amber stones bring a sense of calm, purity, and romance.

Aventurine—the ladies’ luck rock—is just what you need to manifest some good fortune in the love department.

The Yogi

Seeking an asana soul brother? If you haven’t come across any boyfriend material at your local yoga studio yet, here’s a yogi-inspired crystal cocktail to connect to your chakras…and his:

Malachite will help you connect to his love of transformation, energy, and balance.

Celestite is a calming, gentle, positive stone that promotes harmony, alignment, and connection to the angelic realm.

Clear quartz helps to clean up your energy and aura so your newfound yogi can have an unobstructed view of your positive soul.

Namaste, brother!

The Hipster

You seek a stylish guy who loves all things beards, man buns, and plaids. Crystals that energetically vibe with the hipster guy include:

Moonstone taps into his sensitive, intuitive, New Agey side.

The perfect crystal for daydreamers, fluorite opens up your energy to clear unbiased reasoning and help focus the mind.

The Jock

Want a bro? A simple, sporty, straight-up man? Here are some crystal recipe options to find him:

Agate is connected with all things strength and bravery.

Tiger’s-eye is the crystal of confidence, courage, and protection.

High-five, bro!

The Businessman

Attracted to the successful, driven, passionate, hardworking type? These crystals can help you catch the busy businessman’s attention:

Selenite can inspire clarity of mind and concentration, and it can promote stimulating conversation while supporting your nerves.

Jade is the stone of good luck, good fortune, and abundance.

Citrine is all about focus and discipline. Heck, it’s even nicknamed the successful stone.

The Prankster

Have a soft spot for the class clown? Is a solid sense of humor one of your prerequisites for a soul mate? You don’t have to set up a crystal trail between the local comedy club and your front door. Instead, just keep these lighthearted crystals with you to help your heart connect to someone playful:

As the sunstone‘s name suggests, it’s full of good vibes and will leave you feeling uplifted and positive, ready to tackle a prankster’s wit.

Rose quartz is packed with joyous, fun-loving vibes.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Developing Your LOVE Muscles = Quality LOVE

When it comes to finding long-lasting love, people are looking for someone they can spend the rest of their life with — or at least the foreseeable future.

When two people first meet it’s all about chemistry and passion. You don’t question if they have a savings account or a good relationship with their family — it’s all about initial attraction. However, if you’re looking for a life partner or are in the midst of a long-term relationship, this attraction, while important, may wane in comparison to a person’s bigger qualities and traits. When it comes to finding long-lasting love, people are looking for someone they can spend the rest of their life with — or at least the foreseeable future. With this outlook, a different set of qualities matter. These are some of the qualities and traits that can make you a more desirable partner.

1. You’re quick to move on

This is a big one. Fights will happen and when they do, it’s important to be quick to apologize and quick to forgive. If you always point the finger of blame and never take responsibility for your mistakes, your fights will drag on, leading to an unhappy partner. Likewise, if after every disagreement you spend hours being angry or pouty, even after apologies have been said, you’ll exhaust the relationship and the fight will only grow in size. Make an effort to apologize quickly and forgive easily. These two qualities will do wonders for a relationship.

It can be tempting to throw yourself into a relationship and lose yourself. Unfortunately when you do, you’ll lose the individuality and confidence that may have attracted your partner to you in the first place. Give your significant other plenty of love, but always love yourself first. Nurture your passions — even if your partner has no interest in them — and spend time alone.

3. You’re honest

If trust is the foundation in a relationship then honesty is the trait that builds that trust. Being honest with your partner on all things allows them to be honest and vulnerable with you. Very little is more detrimental to a close relationship than dishonesty and deception. When you enter into a new relationship start with complete honesty and maintain that level of truth throughout your partnership. A commitment to honesty, from both people, will make for a longer-lasting, happier relationship.

You’re Hot When… You Believe in Yourself


‘Sexuality is based on attraction.  And attraction is based on what you put out in the world which means, in order to be hot, sometimes you gotta go deep and look at numero uno, yep, that’s YOU

‘In this episode, A’s dead mom comes to her in a dream and tells her the #1 disempowering thing she’s doing to herself… which you may be doing too!’

Play Together, Stay Together

gettyWhen kids get bored, they can easily get into trouble. That’s why “go outside and play” is one of the more common phrases parents use. For kids, play is an opportunity to get centered, learn new things, and have fun in a constructive way. But for adults, the word “play” has come to mean something entirely different.

“I don’t play games,” says the woman trying to appear drama-free. 

“I’m not a player,” says the man who wants to earn her trust. 

“Play” for grown-ups sounds like the opposite of fun. But what if I told you that play can actually save your relationship? What if “acting like a child” made your grown-up problems easier to cope with?

Playing together might be the most mature decision you’ve make all day!

Too often, long-term couples smother themselves (and each other) by falling into boring routines. We work, we go home, eat dinner and watch the news, go to sleep, repeat. There’s simply no time for anything else. So we worry we aren’t having sex enough, or talking about our feelings enough. We talk ourselves out of intimacy, and it’s exhausting.


My favorite antidote for worry is play. Once play becomes a priority, sex and conversation might actually come easier. We all want less frustration and more intimacy. We’d all be happier with fewer wasted moments and more time together. You don’t have to wait for vacation. You can play where you are, right now.

Play is easy, it’s quick, and it’s free. There are a million ways to do it.

When you wake up in the morning, take 5 minutes for a cuddle party. Laugh at your puffy faces and messy hair. Race each other to the bathroom, and have a toothbrush karaoke party. Just be ridiculous. You might feel stupid at first, but that’s what play is: being goofy together, on purpose.

A serious relationship doesn’t actually have to be “serious” 24/7. Happiness doesn’t always appear on its own, so we play to manifest joy.

Challenge each other to do celebrity impressions in the shower. Try making something weird for breakfast. Do ten minutes of Kundalini yoga together – if you don’t know what that is, find a video on Youtube. Those breathing exercises can be pretty hilarious.

Embrace your childlike sense of humor. We may all be adults here, but none of us have to be old.

In the evening, make dinner together and pretend you’re on a cooking show. While you’re eating, ask each other to share embarrassing stories. And if you must watch something, make a game of that, too. My husband and I sometimes take turns picking Youtube videos, and it’s actually super fun! Any cool music you’ve heard, lately? How about the latest viral cat videos? Share the things that make you feel young, goofy, and alive together.

A silly game we like to play is something I call Mystery Records. You know those bins of $1 old records in thrift shops? I like to pick a few artists I’ve never heard of (cheesy matching sweaters on the album cover are definitely a plus), and then play them at home. This makes for some really random dance parties in our living room.

Feel free to create your own silly games. Maybe you could try inventing bizarre recipes using only what you have in your kitchen. Or you could assemble some ugly, dorky outfits and recreate some ‘awkward family photos’ in your dining room. Being weird together is infinitely more fun than being bored or stressed together.

Play doesn’t always require energy. Don’t feel pressure to be ‘fun’ all the time. Sometimes, we’re tired – and that’s okay.

At night, try putting your phones down and talk about things that make you happy. If you’re feeling passionate about a new project, say so! If your partner is doing a great job at work, congratulate them. Share the dumbest jokes you’ve heard all week. Talk yourselves to sleep about the things that make you smile.

Today, if you find yourselves talking in circles about whatever’s bothering you, take a pause for play. This doesn’t mean ignoring your problems; it’s just making them easier to approach later. There are a multitude of possibilities for play in the time you spend together. Trying just one of these things can lead you to even more ideas for creating joy.

When kids get bored or frustrated, we tell them to go play. Deep down, you’re just two kids in love, aren’t you? So go outside, get out of your heads, and play.

Is Your Sexual Attraction to Someone Too Much?

Intense sexual attraction can be more than some can handle.

What makes a person sexually attracted to another will likely remain a mystery forever. I have studied psychology for 25 years, and neither my doctorate nor my years of experience working with clients has sufficiently answered the question.

What makes you sexually attracted to another person? While we have theories, we don’t entirely know. We can infer that the object of one’s sexual attraction is stirred by a mix of biology and past experiences, but that somehow doesn’t feel sufficient. Studies of pheromones, too, don’t explain it.

But when it comes to attraction, is it possible that a person can be too sexually attracted to another person? The answer, in short, is yes.

While I learned a lot from my undergraduate and graduate psychology training, I learned even more from my clients. But the person who taught me the most about human motivations and behaviors? My own therapist, who provided psychoanalytic therapy to me for over five years in my 20s. One nugget of wisdom he gave me when I was 25: “When you feel extremely sexually attracted to someone in the very beginning, walk the other way.” Of course, he had to spend a few more sessions drilling that concept down, because, at first, it made absolutely no sense to me. Now, I understand.

You can be too sexually attracted to someone. You can meet someone who unleashes the most elaborate sexual desire, but that person is probably not someone you should pursue, because the intensity of your sexual feelings likely comes from a primitive — and dysfunctional — set of feelings and beliefs. Most important, meeting someone and feeling too sexually attracted often indicates underlying idealization. Sexual attraction that is too intense from the very start often indicates a distorted belief that this new person will provide a sense of emotional completion, fulfilling long-simmering emotional needs that have previously gone unmet.

People who feel extreme, I-need-to-have-them-now sexual attraction often have a history of psychological trauma or neglect.

What is psychological trauma? It could be a specific incident — a horrific incident with a family member or stranger. Or it could be an ongoing pattern of extreme dysfunction — for instance, a parent, peer, or another adult luring you into an ongoing relationship that is unhealthy or even physically or emotionally dangerous. Neglect is more straightforward — a parent or caregiver who isn’t there when you need them and who doesn’t make you feel like your thoughts and feelings are noticed or important.

Based on my anecdotal experience of seeing hundreds of clients, I can say with assurance that someone who feels extremely sexually attracted to a new person should be very careful, especially if they have experienced neglect or psychological trauma in their past. These individuals have gone without for so long that they may have started to develop a fantasy life, imagining someone “out there” who could rescue them or take away the emotional hurts they’ve suffered in the past.

People who feel extreme sexual attraction also often have addictive tendencies.

Intense sexual attraction can be so intense that the new person serves as a sort of drug or stimulant, and it is typically impossible to reach a sense of true satiation when such feelings get triggered. In other words, it never feels like enough. Men and women who struggle with addictive tendencies must be careful to see that these tendencies also extend to the way we seek out and relate to romantic partners in the beginning.

What’s the ultimate goal in finding a romantic partner?

The real goal in relationships is to find someone who quenches your sexual and emotional desires on a consistent basis. Sure, sexual attraction changes over the course of a long-term relationship, but relationships that are successful include two people who feel that their partner is emotionally available. When you feel attraction that is too intense, it often means that you are responding to the sense that you need to consume that person entirely now, because they may slip through your fingers at a moment’s notice.

If you have addictive tendencies or have any kind of psychological trauma or neglect in your history, beware sexual attraction that is extremely intense in the beginning. Go back to the basics, and focus on finding a person who is consistent and reliable, and who shares similar values to yours. Remember, every step you take away from someone who isn’t good for you brings you one step closer to someone who is.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article