Category: RELATIONSHIPS

Modern Romance With Today’s Technology

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

How is technology shaping romance today?

Love is often called the supreme emotion, with romantic love considered a peak experience. But in today’s world of Internet dating and social media, the path to finding romantic love may be more difficult to navigate than ever, according to Aziz Ansari, author of the new book, Modern Romance.

Ansari, a comic best known for his performance on the TV show Parks and Recreation, may be an odd choice to author a serious book on this subject. But, by teaming up New York University sociologist Eric Klinenberg, he’s written a fascinating, substantial, and humorous book exploring how technology has evolved along with the search for love and how it has shaped our romantic relationships.

Ansari spent over a year interviewing hundreds people from around the world about their dating experiences and love lives. He also combed through research and interviewed experts in the field—like happiness expert Jonathan Haidt, marriage and family historian Stephanie Coontz, and psychologist Barry Schwartz, who studies the science of choice, to name a few. The results of this search convinced Ansari that, while the immediacy of the Internet and the ubiquity of mobile phones have made some aspects of relationship-building easier, they’ve also made other aspects much more complicated.

love button showing concept for online dating

In the past, single people may have met potential dates mostly through family, friends, or colleagues. These days, people can increase their dating choices exponentially via online dating services like OKCupid, Match.com or Tinder, to name a few, all with relative ease. The benefits are pretty obvious: your chance of meeting someone that you click with increases with the more people you meet. But, the downside of this wealth of opportunity is that it makes people tend to rush to judgment based on superficial information and to constantly second-guess themselves about whether, by dating someone, they may be settling too soon, before finding that the elusive Mr. or Ms. Right.

“The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress,” writes Ansari. “Younger generations face immense pressure to find the ‘perfect person’ that simply didn’t exist in the past when ‘good enough’ was good enough.”

Other seeming benefits of technology can also go inadvertently wrong. For example, while many people enter the dating scene insecure about their attractiveness and fearful of making the first move, technology now allows them to test the waters a bit without jumping in—by Googling potential dates, checking out their Match.com profiles, or sending innocuous texts. Yet this may be less than ideal, especially since it’s hard to get a sense of someone via a highly choreographed online presence or to accurately gauge interest through texting alone, where miscommunication is rampant. As the anthropologist Helen Fisher argues: “There’s not a dating service on this planet that can do what the human brain can do in terms of finding the right person.” In other words, meeting face to face is important.

Ansari is all too familiar with the ways texting can be fraught. He humorously recounts his angst around texting potential dates, like having to decide how soon to respond to someone’s text—too soon, you seem overeager; too long, you seem disinterested—or spending hours crafting texts that are devoid of clear intentions. Because this can lead to insecurity and confusion, he suggests that texting should be used minimally, to communicate real interest and to set up a future dates.

“The key is to get off the screen and meet these people. Don’t spend your night in endless exchanges with strangers,” he writes.

Too often people text inappropriate things they might never say in person—e.g, “You’re hot!”—or text when they really should communicate in person, like when they’re ending a relationship. Though some of the stories Ansari shares on this front are entertaining for their absurdity, he is also quick to point out the sadder aspects of this phenomenon.

“For me the takeaway of these stories is that, no matter how many options we seem to have on our screens, we should be careful not to lose track of the human beings behind them,” he writes.

Though dating challenges may not be directly relevant to me as a married person, Ansari’s book also touches on the ways technology has affected ongoing relationships. For example, “sexting”—the sending of intimate photographs to other people’s phones—is an online tool that Ansari claims can have a positive as well negative impact on relationships. Which is funny, because I’ve always associated sexting with the downfall of politician Anthony Weiner or with stories of girls who sent sexts to boyfriends only to be humiliated later on Facebook. But Ansari has found that many people use sexting to add spark to an ongoing relationship, boost their body image, or make a long distance relationship more bearable—in other words, to encourage intimacy. The frequency with which people sext and their varied reasons for doing so just goes to show that, as Ansari writes, “What seems insane to one generation often ends up being the norm of the next.”

It’s also true that technology has put a “new spin” on the challenges of trust and betrayal in relationships. Research shows that most Americans—84 percent, according to the book—feel that adultery is morally wrong; yet a large percentage of Americans—somewhere between 20-40 percent of married men and around 25 percent of married women—have been involved in extra-marital affairs, possibly enabled by technology. Ansari questions the future of monogamy, plus the cost/benefit of having easy access to extra-marital affairs, not to mention your partner’s emails and texts, which could indicate infidelity. His insights into these issues are thought-provoking, if not always comfortable, which makes the book an enlightening read.

And, there’s another reason to pick up this book: I may not be looking for a date, but my teenage sons soon will be. Understanding what their search for love may look like in this new age of technology helps me to have more empathy for them, as well as, potentially, to give them some good advice. As Ansari reports, a full third of all new couples that married between 2005 and 2012 met through an online dating site. That means that it’s likely my sons may do the same—and be subject to the same ups and downs of that process. It behooves me to learn as much as I can about this new world. And it doesn’t hurt that Ansari presents this information with a fair amount of science reporting as well as humor.

Readers benefit from Ansari’s wry observations as well as from the knowledge of psychologists and other experts. We learn from Jonathan Haidt about the most difficult points in a typical relationship cycle; from Sherry Turkle about how technology is killing the art of conversation; and from Paul Eastwick and Lucy Hunt about why it’s so important to have sustained interactions with someone when you are choosing whether or not to date them. It’s probably this last observation that made Ansari realize he sometimes discounted potential dates very early on—sometimes after only one interaction—and that this was probably a mistake.

“There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it,” he writes.

Despite starting the book with confessions of his own personal foibles, Ansari eventually does chronicle the success he’s had in creating a stable, loving relationship in his early 30’s. While he seems happy now, he still extols the virtues of playing the field when you’re young, if only to better appreciate how tiring and lonely the single life can be over time. While perhaps technology has played a role in extending the age at which he found love, it’s clear he realizes that the search for a soul-mate is an important part of the human experience that technology can affect but not dim.

“Culture and technology have always shaken romance,” writes Ansari. But, “History shows that we’ve continually adapted to these changes. No matter the obstacle, we keep finding love and romance.”

And that is no laughing matter.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The Reasons Why Men Suffer More After a Breakup

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Throw the old stereotypes of men out the window.

Men get a bad rap in the romance department. Society has painted them as the unfeeling and detached sex — which is why lots of ears perked up when a new study about men and breakups emerged from Binghamton University and University College London this summer.

For the study, researchers surveyed 5,707 men and women, with an average age of just under 27 years old, from 96 different countries. The findings: Women experience more emotional anguish in the aftermath of a breakup, but it takes men longer to recover.

In fact, the researchers note, men never fully get over their breakups. Instead, they tend to eventually just “move on” to the next partner without resolving the issue of what went wrong in the previous relationship. Since the study explained the results from an evolutionary perspective, the researchers guessed it was because women tend to invest more in their relationships than men — because each relationship a woman enters could lead to a nine-month pregnancy and many more years raising a child. In this line of thinking, since women are wired to be choosier, the loss is more profound with the departure of a high-quality match. On the other hand, since men historically have had to compete for the attention of women, it may take them longer to realize what they’ve lost, that they aren’t finding a woman who compares to their ex, and that she’s perhaps irreplaceable.

That’s one theory, anyway. But there’s definitely more to breakups than the ancestral explanation, according to research and experts in the field. And while today’s man is still biologically wired to be the hunter-provider type, the male sex has adapted to take on a more complex role, says psychologist Karla Ivankovich, an adjunct professor at the University of Illinois, Springfield.

“In the past, emotion did not serve a purpose in providing for the family,” she tells Yahoo Health. “It was not beneficial to getting things done. But today, men are likely to be involved in all facets of a family, engaged in their relationships, nurturing, and rearing.”

How Do We Recover From Breakups?

A lot of factors that generally influence the impact of a breakup of heterosexual couples (on which we have the most research) are not sex-specific. There is no cookie-cutter approach for how men and women each handle breakups, says Art Markman, professor of psychology and marketing at the University of Texas at Austin. “Many factors have less to do with gender than with other behavioral tendencies that are correlatedwith gender,” he tells Yahoo Health.

Take rebounding as a coping mechanism after a breakup. The success of rebounding has to do with resources and options available, says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, the chief scientific officer at Match. “A man who is young, incredibly good-looking, with money, is going to have a lot of options and will probably recover a lot quicker than someone who doesn’t,” she tells Yahoo Health. The same concept applies to women.

Also factors: How invested you were in the relationship and how important that relationship was to other aspects of your life (say, if you really wanted children and you were hoping for that partner to be the mother or father of your child). “If a person knows they were just in it for the short term, the breakup will not be as difficult,“ notes Marisa T. Cohen, an assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at St. Francis College and co-founder of the Self-Awareness and Bonding Lab.

So there’s no question about it — there are many variables at play for how someone will take a breakup, regardless of gender. But there are a few reasons a man might take a split harder in the long term compared with a woman, experts say. Let’s explore the theories.

Theory No. 1: Women Initiate Most Breakups

The question of who takes it harder may be less “man versus woman” and more “dumper versus dumpee.” According to the Binghamton study, the rejected parties experienced more “post-relationship grief” (though grief was still severe for both halves).

Here’s why that matters: More often than not, women are the initiators of a breakup. This was true in the current study, and Fisher says she’s also found this to be the case in her own research. Why, exactly, is tough to say — especially since the Binghamton study notes “other” was frequently selected as the cause of a split, showing that there is no single, common reason for breaking up.

“If women are the ones doing the breaking up, then they are already taking the time they need to emotionally divest from the relationship while they’re in it,” Ivankovich tells Yahoo Health. “So it may be that men are caught off guard by breakups — and then, loss is loss. Whether it’s death or dying, the loss of a job or relationship, you still go through the stages.”

And privately coming to terms with a relationship’s inevitable end is decidedly easier when your partner is still around, something both parties don’t usually have the luxury of experiencing. “Breakups are rarely mutual,” Cohen says. “Based on Diane Vaughan’s research on the process of uncoupling, the initiator is the first person to express displeasure with the relationship and want out. He or she goes through the process of experiencing single life, and potentially finding another partner, from the secure base of the relationship.”

When the partner is finally clued in to the fact that the relationship is ending (or over), this person is forced to move on abruptly and alone. “This makes the healing process much more difficult for the partner,” says Cohen. “The initiator can enact preemptive strategies while in the current relationship to ease the transition from one partner to another, but the partner can’t.”

Cohen says there’s a good chance the initiator has already taken a look at the relationship market long before they put themselves back on it.

Theory No. 2: Men Are Wired to Handle Breakups Differently Than Women (and May Lack a Solid Support System Postsplit)

The Binghamton study took a look at breakups from the evolutionary perspective, so let’s do the same now — because men and women arewired differently. They have long had different goals for relationships and different ways of dealing with the aftermath. Some of those strategies are more or less ingrained in our psyches.

From an evolutionary perspective, Ivankovich says, the emotive woman often looks at a breakup as a problem to be solved, whereas the logic-oriented man looks at the same breakup as a problem that has already beensolved. As such, the emotional process for each is different. For men, the breakup is the end. For women, the breakup is the beginning of a larger psychological dilemma.

“If a male has no option, because she has broken up with him, the way he adapts to the situation is to move on,” Ivankovich says. “Men are not relationship analyzers, so the next relationship is seen as a do-over. Because women are emotionally tied to relationships as nurturers, any time things go awry, a woman will analyze the situation to determine what she ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’ done differently, to be able to move on.”

Which brings us to the value in rehashing the relationship postsplit: It’s effective in the short term to realize personal lessons and resolve what led to the relationship’s demise, Fisher says. (Though, there will eventually come a time when talking about what went wrong in a relationship will just prevent you from moving on, Fisher adds.)

But while a common problem for women is dwelling more than they should after a split, men have the opposite problem. “Vulnerability isn’t an adaptive thing for men,” Fisher says. “They are naturally predisposed to suffer in private. Women talk too much, men probably don’t talk enough.”

Historically, men just aren’t encouraged to express their emotions to male friends like women are with their female friends. “If a man was to call his friends up, crying about the end of a relationship, he would be treated very differently than a woman,” says Cohen.

On top of that, after breaking up, men may look around for their “guy squad” and realize it doesn’t exist. Interestingly, Markman says women often have more close friends than men and are more likely to keep their friends when they are in a relationship. Men often spend less time with their pals, which could ultimately put guys, who are already less likely to communicate with their peers than women, in an even worse position.

“The stronger a person’s social network, the better that person is able to deal with the fallout of a breakup,” Markman says. “So, a big reason why men often have more difficulty recovering from a breakup than women is that it takes them longer to re-establish social ties that will allow them to deal with the emotional difficulty of the breakup.”

Breaking Up, Millennially

Millennial-age men are more emotionally intelligent than their forefathers, Ivankovich says. “They ‘feel’ like no generation before them.”

Finally acknowledging that men actually have post-relationship needs, and encouraging them to access those deep emotions rather than brush them off, is only a positive thing. “People who have trouble talking about emotional topics will have trouble really understanding what happened and what went wrong,” Markman says. “In addition to being able to ‘get over’ a particular relationship, it is important for people to learn from breakups so that their next relationships are better and stronger. Anyone who does not deal with a past relationship is likely to make the same mistakes again in a future relationship.”

Transformation of Jealousy into Deep Trust & Love

by John Winelandin RELATIONSHIPS, Watch

“I love to use jealousy as a way to create intimacy and turn on in the moment it’s happening.”

jealousy
John Wineland on jealousy

“A common problem I run into with men is that they don’t know what to do with their jealousy.  Its such a primal, volatile and vulnerable emotion.  Most of us react one of two ways, we either get angry and accusatory, or we hide it and pretend we are cool…..Neither works!!  I love to use jealousy as a way to create intimacy and turn on in the moment it’s happening.”   ~ John Wineland

“Ethical Cheating”: What Is It?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

There is a growing movement of people who are able to be honest with their mate that the traditional model isn’t working.

When the news broke recently that hackers had breached Ashley Madison, the dating website that helps married people find out-of-wedlock romance, the Internet responded with a lot of snark and not much sympathy.

We read Twitter so you don’t have to, and the take-away is this: If you cheat and get caught, you are getting what you deserve; and, if you cheat and get caught because you entered your personal information into a cheaters’ dating website whose marketing tagline is “Life is short. Have an affair,” you really are getting what you deserve.

But married daters looking for someone to defend their honor have at last found a spokesman: Brandon Wade, 45, the founder of the new website OpenMinded.com, which caters to individuals and couples looking for others with whom to engage in what Mr. Wade calls “ethical cheating.” This involves telling a spouse that you are going to be unfaithful, or including the spouse in new, outside-the-marriage relationships, he said.

OpenMinded.com started in May and, Mr. Wade said, now has 150,000 users, with more than half of the members identifying as couples who are in open relationships. The site’s members are more likely to be men than women, 68 percent of members have earned a bachelor’s degree, 40 percent are 18 to 35.

To get started on a journey toward polyamorous partnering, OpenMinded.com users fill out a form with questions that reflect, it must be said, a certain open-mindedness. The “Orientation” section asks users to define themselves by “romantic orientation” (“biromantic” and “sapiomantic” are among the options) and other attributes, while the “Life Choices” section dives into issues like tolerance to marijuana-smoking (“420 friendly nonconsumer,” “recreational heavy consumer”).

Under the “Looking to Meet” heading, users designate the type of relationship they are seeking (“monogamish,” “poly dating,” “swinging”) and the identity of those they would like to meet (there are dozens of different options, including “pangender,” “two-spirit,” “woman” and “intersex”).

Also provided are primers to help newbies, including an essay entitled, “How to Cheat on Your Wife.” It advises that men disclose their intent to their wives before they begin to date.

Mr. Wade said he was raised in Singapore with what he deemed a “Tiger Mom type of upbringing.” He studied electrical engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and then, he said, earned an M.B.A. at the Sloan School of Management at M.I.T. in 1995. He worked at Booz Allen and General Electric, he added. But corporate life wasn’t a good match for him.

He decided to take an entrepreneurial route. In 2006, he introduced SeekingArrangement.com, which is, according to promotional material, “the leading sugar daddy dating website.” In 2011, he unveiled WhatsYourPrice.com, a site on which users can auction off dates.

“Most of my dating websites have been created out of personal need,” he said. “OpenMinded is my next evolution in my relationships.”

Before marrying his current wife, he said, she and he discussed his progressive views about monogamy. “I told my wife, ‘If this relationship doesn’t work out, I’m never going to get married again,’ ” he said.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Tips for Couples to Achieve a Long-Lasting Intimate Relationship

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” -~Sam Keen

Before I married my wonderful husband, I dated a lot of men. For most of my 20s (and even my early 30s) I had a perfect fairy-ideal of what romantic love was, probably because I was an actress and loved drama back then.

It took years for me to realize a relationship is not a romance movie.

At some point in our lives, we may believe that love should be like the kind of romance we see portrayed in films, television, and novels.

For some reason, I always thought my romantic relationships were less if I did not experience this kind of fairy-tale relationship. Maybe this is why I kept meeting frogs.

At times, I bought into the belief that if I had a relationship with the perfect prince, then all would be well in my life. I thought, Now, I will be safe forever.

In truth, I did marry a prince—but a prince who is also human, who has faults and issues just like every person, no matter how wonderful he is.

At some point I grew up and learned to let go of the crazy metaphor of romantic love in order to find true happiness. Yes, I was disappointed to realize that the knight riding through the night to save the damsel in distress is a fallacy. It’s a bummer.

But, let’s look at it in this light: We all saw Romeo and Juliet and Titanic. Why stories like these make our hearts sing is that the love is unrequited. Unavailability fuels the romantic expression.

This kind of romantic story can only work when there is an absence of the lover. Sometimes, they have to die in the end in order for their love to fit into this romantic view. Or, we eat handfuls of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after, and we rarely find out if they really do.

The romantic love fantasy is really a substitute for intimacy—real, connected, vulnerable intimacy.

So then, how do we make relationships work and stay happy?

We begin with the understanding of what pure love is, and then redefine and update the romantic fairytale into a healthier type of love.

Here are 10 ways to create true intimacy, find pure love, and be truly happy in your relationship:

1. Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within.

Relationships aren’t about having another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and becoming “one,” you learn as Rainer Maria Rilke says, to love the distances in relationship as much as the togetherness.

2. See your partner for who he or she really is.

The romantic tragedy occurs when you view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent, the idea of them. When you realize that more often than not you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how they change and evolve.

3. Be willing to learn from each other.

The key is to see the other as a mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to what has yet to be healed in yourself.

4. Get comfortable being alone.

In order to accept that love can’t rescue you from being alone, learn to spend time being with yourself. By feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship, you will feel more complete, happy, and whole.

5. Look closely at why a fight may begin.

Some couples create separateness by fighting and then making up over and over again. This allows you to continue the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you become aware of what you fear about intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and likely will fight far less.

6. Own who you are.

We generally grasp at romantic love because we’re yearning for something that is out of reach, something in another person that we don’t think we possess in ourselves. Unfortunately, when we finally get love, we discover that we didn’t get what we were looking for.

True love only exists by loving yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.

7. Embrace ordinariness.

After the fairy-dust start of a relationship ends, we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ordinariness can become the real “juice” of intimacy. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and does, become extraordinary.

8. Expand your heart.

One thing that unites us is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way. To create real intimacy, get in touch with the spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you.

It’s easier to recognize the good in your partner when you’re connected to the good in yourself.

9. Focus on giving love.

Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves because other people love us; it’s more about how well we have loved ourselves and others. The unintentional outcome of loving others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.

10. Let go of expectations.

You may look to things such as romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself, you put your sense of security in someone else.

Draw upon your own inner-resources to offer love, attention, and nurturance to yourself when you need it. Then you can let love come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like.

These are only a few ways to explore real intimacy. How do you create a loving connection in your relationship?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Do You Want This More Than Sex?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

The majority of women have told me that they want more intimacy in their relationships. Women want to feel connected with their partner and genuinely loved.

When referring to the complex area of sex, making blanket statements such as men want………..and women want………… is difficult to do because it oversimplifies an extremely personal and individualistic issue.

Clearly there is a wide variety of kinds of sexual relationships and experiences that people can share and enjoy.

To be more precise, what men and women each want in the area of sex needs to be defined on an individual basis. Thus, whatever a person is missing or longs for with regards to the subject of sex is simply what that person needs at that time in their life. For example, some women enjoy having a lot of tenderness and affection but crave a little intensity in the bedroom. Other women may experience their share of intense, physical sex but desire more affection, consideration, and gentleness for balance.

Yet when looking at the population as a whole and talking with a great number of people, some conclusions can be drawn based upon the majority.

Over the years what women have told me they want spans quite a diverse range. Yet the majority of women have told me that they want more intimacy in their relationships. Women want to feel connected with their partner and genuinely loved. They usually want to be told why their man loves them, and what it is about her that he recognizes as special. Women have often said they want to be held more, kissed more, caressed more, touched more, and talked to more. If they were to have more sex, they want it to be more passionate love-making. They want more intimacy in and out of the bedroom.

Women also need to be acknowledged for what they contribute to the family and their man’s life. They need to be respected as intelligent and capable, and appreciated for all of their wonderful attributes and special features. The average woman wants more hugs, more affection, more intimacy regularly. They want to be told often that they are beautiful, that their partner enjoys them, and that their man wants to be with them.

Often men can get along without reinforcement and intimacy for long periods of time, and so they assume the same is true for women. Unfortunately quite a few men still think they can sustain a woman with occasional bursts of intimacy, such as a nice gift, or a rare verbal acknowledgment. But most women need and want more than just sporadic maintenance intimacy. They need daily attentionto keep them running smoothly and happily.

After couples marry, many men only put forth the effort to show what they think is the necessary amount of romance. They sometimes base their conclusions on how much they need, and then give just a little more.

It’s not the flowers, chocolates, poems or gifts that women really want. What they really want are the gestures that show that their partner loves them and cares enough to expend some energy showing it!

Women typically expect and appreciate much more involvement from their relationships. They usually want more consistant and enthusiastic expressions of love and affection. They want to know, regularly, that they aren’t being taken for granted.

Many marriages eventually end because men never really take their partner’s needs seriously.

Many of the married women that I’ve talked with who have had extramarital affairs said they fell for men who were interested in them, who talked with and listened to them. The men they were drawn to were enthused about them and showed it. The feelings of respect, appreciation, and passion were missing in their marriage. It is my belief that missing those feelings of intimacy has led more women to have affairs than a mere sexual attraction.

Women who have high self-esteem and believe in equality aren’t satisfied with just being a sexual object. They want to be seen as much more than that, and rightfully resent some men’s attempts to have them be just a sex toy. Many women resent a man’s ability to, or interest in having uninvolved sex. Many expect more from their partner than just sex.

Most women aren’t satisfied if the physical sex is all they have. Even if they regularly experience orgasms, most women will get bored if that’s all their sex life consists of. They must feel love and connection with their partner as well. While this may not be news to women, quite a few men either don’t know this or don’t really take it seriously.

For many women, even though they may enjoy orgasms and the physical sensations, sex is more of a vehicle for making love and sharing affection and intimacy with their partner. The more a man understands and respects this the better off he’ll be in the long run. Since women often say they need to feel more loved, if they did, they may feel more inclined to have more sex, which is what many men say they would like.

Thankfully, for both genders, an increasing number of women today feel free to take more initiative and allow themselves to experience sex for pleasure and intimacy. Today more women are able to ask for more of what they want and need from their partner. Successful relationships usually include a man who respects this quality in his female counterpart.

Curated Article
Original Article

Why a Scary Date May Be the One You’re Looking For

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

“If she doesn’t scare the hell out of you a little, she’s not the one”

At first glance, this meme might seem to be implying that you need to only date emotionally unstable people. But if you sit with it for a moment, it takes on a whole other (and more important) layer of meaning.

As much as mainstream media would prefer you to think otherwise, the best relationships are not all sunshine and roses.

Relationships are the ultimate vehicle for self-growth… and the best kind of love that you can engage in is the confronting kind. The kind where your partner acts as a mirror to you and they lovingly help pull all of your demons out of you over time. They act as a catalyst for positive growth.

They’ll point a flashlight into every corner of your dark mental attic, and illuminate all of the things that you try to hide from the world. And they will illuminate it with love, patience, and compassion.

Just when you expect them to run away (after having found out about your deepest, darkest secrets), they’ll tell you that they love you even more now that they know more about you.

Intimacy is about truly letting someone see you. It’s also anxiety producing for the vast majority of people. Letting someone really know you, and really see you, can be terrifying. You are laying your heart in their hands and saying to them “Please be gentle with this.” And if they’re the right one for you, they will reply back (verbally or non-verbally) “I wouldn’t dream of ever being anything else to you.”

When I first started dating again after an emotionally traumatic breakup, I was hesitant to let anyone get close to me. I engaged in surface level relationships because I feared the anxiety that intimacy produced for me. Even ‘admitting’ that I’d had a difficult day was enough to make my heart race.

In my emotional closure I didn’t think I would ever be able to open up to someone ever again.

Until one fateful day when I met someone who shook up my world entirely.

Her eyes penetrated through me. There was no hiding around her. She never had to say it out loud, but I knew that she saw me.

My ego’s first self-protective instinct was to run away and revert back to my old unproductive habits. Run away before she finds out all of the messy things about your past. Push her away before she has a chance to see past your self-deceptions. Avoid any contact with her in case she might make you feel big, scary emotions again.

My ego resisted her every step of the way. I told myself she wasn’t my usual type. I tried to hide behind things like “She’s too young/inexperienced/small town/etc. for me.” But it was all bullshit. Every thought that tried to keep me away from her was just my ego’s sad excuse to stay closed down emotionally. It was a defense mechanism and I knew it.

When I really started to show up and tell her how I was feeling (namely, scared shitless to even be around her) she received it with grace and compassion. Because even before I had verbalized it, she knew. She already saw me.

As terrifying as intimacy can be, the process of holding up our demons in the light is deeply therapeutic. Shame cannot continue to exist or thrive in the loving context of a close intimate relationship.

Was I fixed forever for having her met her? No. It’s a process like everything else. I had to repeatedly breathe into the deeper layers of anxiety as I let myself be seen more and more by her.

But I’ll be eternally grateful that I did meet her. Because her scaring the hell out of me was my ticket to a positive transformation that I never could have anticipated.

So if you’re at a place in your life where you are starting to see someone who challenges you, confronts you, and scares you on some level, take stock of whether or not you think they might be a force for positive change in your life.

Don’t date someone who scares you because they are controlling, angry, violent, or abusive in any way. That’s the bad kind of fear and it’s an unhealthy relationship to engage in. But date someone who scares you because they encourage you to face all of the things you’ve tried to suppress for so long. Date someone who lovingly pushes you to become more who you are at your core as a person. Date someone who nudges you outside of your comfort zone regularly and helps you level up in life.

It might just be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Our Guilt and How It Can Ruin Relationships

by Sunah Bilstedin RELATIONSHIPS

guilt

noun \ˈgilt\

: Responsibility for a crime or for doing something bad or wrong

: A bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong

Full Definition of GUILT

1

:  The fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly :  guilty conduct

2

a :  the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously

b :  feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy:  self-reproach

3

:  a feeling of culpability for offenses

Guilt. Above is Merriam Webster’s definition of this complex emotion but no dictionary can truly encapsulate how the guilt experience affects our lives or relationships. Psychologists have been picking it apart for decades, with our old pal Sigmund Freud leading the pack. Guilt can create immense internal conflict, whether it’s the result of repressed childhood sexual desire for your parents (thanks Freud, you lunatic), religion (thanks God, you judgmental mystery), or a strongly disciplined childhood (thanks parents, you fear mongers). Triggered by a real event, an imagined event, the fear of a possible event, the event of an event, WHATEVER, I think that all this guilt we’re feeling is actually making us selfish. The bad kind of selfish, not the new and improved healthy sage burning self-love kinda selfish.

One of the more popular of human emotions, the high school quarterback of cognitive experiences, we’ve been taught to rely on guilt to serve as our conscience, our barometer of goodness as a person. In its purest form, it’s credited for things like stopping us from murdering people in traffic all day long. In a less pure form, we credit it for preventing us from doing things like cheat on your sweetheart, or your math test, or your taxes.

But I have an issue with what I perceive as the religion of guilt and here’s why; because rather than it being something that you let hold you accountable for actual mistakes or inspires communication around perceived mistakes, guilt tends to topple you instead with an even worse thing. Self-absorption.

Because your guilt is about you, you and oh, also more you. It breeds a climate of self-loathing, and when you’re floating in that dirty bathwater, you’re unlikely to get out in time to focus on the reality of the other person’s experience before drowning in your own feelings of inadequacy. Much more fun to poor-me yourself right out of taking personal responsibility and directly into an enclave of selfishness.

So often guilt doesn’t do what it should, like force you reach out to apologize, or take action to fix a situation you created. Instead, it tends to shut us down or worse, lash out and blame them for “making you” feel guilty. Is this a side effect of our gruesome quest towards perfection? Do you think you’re perfect? Why else would you think you’re not entitled to make mistakes?

Recently a friend was going through a really hard time. I’m a proud member of the procrastination party, so I kept pushing off the phone call that I genuinely wanted to make. The more days that passed, the guiltier I felt. Then more days. More guilt. More me feeling shitty. Less her feeling special. I was too busy worrying about my guilt that my friend’s needs melted into my personal narrative. I finally called. When she asked me why I had waited so long, I told her that I was sorry, that I had felt guilty for two weeks. I don’t understand, she said. If you felt so guilty, why didn’t you call?? Because guilt MAKES ME A SELFISH JERKFACE DON’T YOU GET IT WEIRDO?

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10 Ways to Make Your Significant Other Feel Like They’re the Only One

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

“I had an opportunity to have a long discussion with her fiance the day before he proposed”

My daughter recently became engaged, and I had an opportunity to have a long discussion with her fiance the day before he proposed about her, marriage, and living life together. The topic of how hard he wants to work to make his fiancee, and soon to be wife, feel special and loved came up repeatedly in our conversation.

What can a husband do to help his wife feel special and know that she is loved?

This list, built after years of observation and experience, will help stimulate ideas of your own for helping your wife feel special.

Send her a love note

Handwriting notes and letters is becoming a lost art in an era of instant communications and technology. A love note, written by hand, is an expression that communicates love, caring, and giving of one’s time and self.

A short note sharing your love, your admiration of her, your appreciation of her special traits, and your commitment to her speaks volumes about how special she is.

Learn to speak her love language

Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages has been a true revelation in many relationships. Chapman makes the case that most people receive messages of love in one (or more) of five different ways. The way we receive love is our “love language.” The five languages are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch
  • Receiving gifts
  • Acts of service

My primary love language is words of affirmation; my wife’s is quality time. So hearing from her how wonderful I am communicates love to me, but that love language doesn’t work for her.

I need to give her undivided attention and lots of it for her to feel love. Take time to determine which love language works for your wife or partner, and then speak love in her love language.

Get ‘er done

Do you have a “honey-do” list a mile long? I know that with my hectic schedule, my list never seems to end.

Doing things that are on her list is a good way to show how special she is to you. If she sees you doing the things that are important to her, she will feel love and devotion. Painting the family room, cleaning up the garage, or following through on a commitment to the kids will make a big difference in how she feels about you and about her worth to you.

Call her on the phone

A phone call in the middle of the day lets her know that you are thinking about her. Consider calling at a random time, when she will least expect it, and just tell her that you are thinking about her, wanting to know how her day is going and to communicate love. It is easy to get caught up in all the business of the day, and she knows it. So taking time to call and let hew know she is important will make a big positive difference in her day.

Send sweet text messages

If you have the ability to communicate via text message, consider sending texts that communicate love, and maybe even flirt occasionally. Here are a few suggestions to get your ideas flowing about what might work for your partner.

  • If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together!
  • Thinking of you makes me smile.
  • Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
  • I just moved you up to the top of my TO DO list

Plan a romantic getaway

Find someone responsible to take the kids and make plans for a weekend away. Plan everything out, choosing things that she likes to do. For example, make dinner reservations and get tickets for a play, a movie or an event she would enjoy. Reserve a hotel room, pack her bags, and make sure her calendar is clear. Some quality time with things she loves to do is an awesome way to communicate how special your wife is to you.

Make it physical

Lots of dads will read this and think sex. But remember, our partners want to be touched in more ways than we like to be touched. Consider an extra long hug in the morning, or a kiss hello or goodbye that lasts about 15 seconds. A back rub, foot rub, or a tender massage communicates worlds about your feelings for her. Physical touch is important in a relationship, and while it often leads to sexual touching, your wife will love the extra attention and the feeling of being touched without it having to lead to something else.

Listen fully engaged

With our busy and demanding world where work tends to invade every moment of life, it is easy to be distracted at home. Even the kids can create significant distractions from meaningful communication. One habit my partner and I picked up long ago is setting aside 30 minutes each evening to just talk. No television, no kids, no telephone or computer, no friends. Having half and hour for just us has really helped with our communications patterns and allows me to be fully engaged in the conversation.Active listening, where you listen with all your senses for intent and feeling, is a big communicator of love and affection.

Cook for her

There is something a bit romantic and something that communicates love and caring when a man cooks for his woman. Plan ahead for a meal she likes. Find a recipe, get the ingredients, and the follow the recipe to create a great meal for her. A little pampering like being able to eat a meal that she didn’t have to plan for or prepare goes a long way in letting her know how much you care.

Give her a break

One things our partners don’t usually get at home is a break. From the time she gets up until the time she crashes into bed, it is usually one very long day with more demands on her time that she can fill. This is especially true if she is a stay-at-home mom where she is likely starved for adult human contact. And moms who work outside the home also tend to carry with them all day their responsibility as a mother. Giving her a break from the stresses of the day can really communicate love. A hot bath with some music she enjoys while you clean up, go through the bedtime routine with the kids and get things ready for the next day will really help her feel your love and your specific concern for her and her needs.

Whatever you do, make sure that you regularly communicate how special your wife is to you. Little things are big things, and it is important to identify how she receives your communication of love and to make time to make these little expressions happen.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Transforming Anger into Trust, Love and Turn-on

by John Winelandin Mind, RELATIONSHIPS

I work with a number of men who struggle with their woman’s anger. I am certainly not immune :-). My girl can be downright nasty when she feels I am “misbehaving” and I have found over the years, the need to develop a special set of skills and a whole new attitude to her anger. The primary problem is that men tend to want to avoid anger and resentment like the plague. So when our partners are in a mood, the general response is either attack or avoid. Neither create much love or trust. Sound familiar?

There is another way…well….two ways I have found that work beautifully and can actually create intimacy and relaxation where there was rancor only moments ago. The most artful approach is to use humor, physicality, play and sexual energy to overcome her mood. That might look like kissing her madly until she giggles, to saying “God damn you are hot when you are furious at me” to throwing her over your shoulder and saying, I love it when you are so bratty. The concept is to lean in to her anger with love, like you are encountering a tropical rainstorm. Breath it in. Enjoy it! Allow it to nourish you.

The second method involves a beautiful dialogue techniques that requires more skills and patience. The most important element in this work is the commitment that you will not make her wrong for whatever she is feeling. Her feelings, all of them, are welcome and even appreciated. This is a massive difference to what most women experience in the world and it opens a whole new realm of deep relating possibilities, including better sex, when it is embraced. Let’s face it. Your lover is suffering when she is angry most of the time and creating a container where anything she feels is safe is incredibly liberating and healing for her.

3 STEPS TO TRANSFORMING A WOMAN’S ANGER INTO DEEP TRUST AND LOVE!

Again, most men have the knee jerk reaction of resisting anger and will go to great lengths to do so. But if you go with the flow you can actually, instantly turn your interaction into a playful, passionate moment where you maintain your masculinity while she can own her emotions and really trust she can’t do anything you can’t handle. I dive into this practice Transforming Anger into Deep Trust and Love explaining this entire concept. Here are the three basic steps:

1. Get aware (this requires a certain level of courage, generosity, meditative concentration…. And frankly, just the ability to feel into your partner) when something is brewing under the surface, and instead of avoiding it, let it happen.

2. Then allow your partner free rein to say what they need to say. Periodically you are going to stop them and repeat back, word for word, what you are hearing as much as possible. And then when she is done and you say, “Is there any more?” she’ll say, “No.” And the very first thing you want to say is, “That makes sense. I understand why that would bother you. I understand why you would be mad. It makes sense that you are mad.” The words: That makes sense, are key to whole process… those three words validate her entire experience and make her feel seen, accepted and loved!

3. And finally, the third piece (which is the hardest piece for a lot of men, a lot of people in general in fact) is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and empathize with what she is feeling. I know, this is especially hard if they are mad at you! It’s important to know you do not have to agree with her, all you have to do is be able to see how it makes sense from her perspective given her history and shared experience. As you learn to really try your best to put yourself in your partner’s shoes you will actually start to feel like their experience is more important than yours. It’s a really deep and beautiful spiritual practice when you can say, “All right, how you are feeling about this is more important to me now than whether I agree with it or not.”

How to Have a Quality Relationship When You Work All the Time

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Working can be intense!

It’s not easy to switch off, is it?

How often do you come home at the end of the day and you’re still feeling the weight of it from earlier?

Sunday blues ahead of Monday – do you recognise those in yourself or your partner?

Have you ever thought to yourself, “They just don’t understand,” when you’re feeling your work pressures and your partner isn’t “getting it”?

At the Champion Academy we teach you how to communicate with yourself and others so that you and your partner can support one another through each day more effectively, resulting in a better work and home environment, and all the benefits that those bring.

1. Learn empathy and compassion

In a relationship, empathy and compassion are key.

Empathy is being able to share and understand someone else’s emotions. Compassion is being able to see the suffering of others, combined with the natural desire to help.

These are the best gifts we can offer to those closest to us, or to anyone for that matter: compassion and empathy.

To practice compassion and empathy, try this: ask yourself how you would feel in your partner’s shoes after their day.

2. Recognise the challenges

Whether you want to admit it or not, we can all be needy. We often come home emotionally drained from a long day at work.

Both you and your partner should recognise the difficulties of each other’s working days.

We often see our own job as being the hardest job in the world. Remember that your partner’s job can be difficult and time-consuming too. Share together.

3. Be supportive

We all, at times, have a tendency to bottle things up when we are at work and then when we are at home. To a degree, this is a lack of an appropriate emotional response to our situation – we internalise our feelings, and this often gives them more negative meanings.

It requires awareness to notice that you or your partner are overly harsh with yourselves. Why hold yourselves up to an impossibly high standard that no one can meet?

We are often expected to be perfect at work, and we expect the same from ourselves all the time. However, mistakes can and do happen.

When mistakes do happen, be compassionate. Recognise that one of you is in pain and simply be there for the other.

Finally, celebrate one another’s victories and successes at work. We are often motivated by the stick rather than the carrot. When something good happens, like closing a sale or completing a deal, give the “victor” a carrot and celebrate these wins. Tell them they did a great job. Offer genuine words of praise and support.

4. Looking after yourself is your responsibility

Of course, these tips must be mutual – but you can only look after others as well as you are able to look after yourself.

Examples of looking after yourself obviously include exercise, mindfulness, sleep, nutrition, rest and holidays. However, the key component to looking after yourself is setting boundaries between work and home.

Treat yourself to the small things that bring you pleasure, and schedule time each day for you.

Remember that looking after yourself is something that only you can do for yourself.

Absolutely encourage one another by doing things as a couple that help each of you. However, you can’t force your partner to exercise, eat right or get enough sleep.

I remember reading once, “Work can be a possessive mistress.”

Our careers are fulfilling and financially important, but we are replaceable at work. We’re not replaceable at home.

It’s about priorities.

Ultimately, if there are difficulties in your relationship, approach them with curiosity and gentleness.

Recognise the problems that you bring to the relationship, and when things get tough, remind yourself that these moments will pass.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Get Closer by Mixing It Up in and Out of the Bedroom

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

If you feel that daily sex will make you both happier, read on. According to fascinating research, the action between the sheets once a week is enough to reignite and keep the passion and love alive between the two souls.

Although more frequent sex is associated with greater happiness, this link was no longer significant at a frequency of more than once a week, the team revealed.

“Our findings suggest that it’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you do not need to have sex everyday as long as you are maintaining that connection,” said lead researcher Amy Muise, social psychologist and postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto-Mississauga.

The results, based on surveys of more than 30,000 Americans collected over four decades, reveal that happiness quotient is not there after couples report having sex more than once a week on average.

In one study, researchers analysed survey responses conducted by the University of Chicago about sexual frequency and general happiness from more than 25,000 Americans (11,285 men, 14,225 women).

For couples, happiness tended to increase with more frequent sex but this is no longer true after couples report engaging in sex more than once a week.

Despite common stereotypes that men want more sex and older people have less sex, there was no difference in the findings based on gender, age or length of relationship.

“Our findings were consistent for men and women, younger and older people, and couples who had been married for a few years or decades,” Muise noted.

Sex may be more strongly associated with happiness than is money. To find this, the researchers also conducted an online survey with 335 people (138 men, 197 women) who were in long-term relationships and found similar results as the first study.

These participants were also asked about their annual income, and there was a larger difference in happiness between people who had sex less than once a month compared to people who had sex once a week than between people who had an income of $15,000-$25,000 compared to people who had an income of $50,000-$75,000 per year.

“People often think that more money and more sex equal more happiness, but this is only true up to a point,” Muise pointed out.

The findings don’t necessarily mean that couples should engage in more or less sex to reach the weekly average but partners should discuss whether their sexual needs are being met.

“It’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner without putting too much pressure on engaging in sex as frequently as possible,” Muise advised.

However, the findings were specific to people in romantic relationships and there was no association between sexual frequency and well being for single people.

The findings were published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Top Reasons Why You Should Be Thankful For Your Significant Other

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

On Thanksgiving, it’s customary to be appreciative of the many things we all have to be thankful for.

But it can be easy to take the person who’s always there for granted, even though he or she actually means everything to you.

I asked friends and family of all ages and genders to tell me why they were so thankful for their significant other.

Here are 20 of their answers, which made me smile, laugh, and occasionally tear up:

“I’m thankful because although I may physically be alone I’m never mentally alone. The dude has got my back. And he always knows which beer at the microbrewery I’ll like.” —Andrea

“I am thankful that instead of emphasizing my faults, my husband uses them as an opportunity to help me be at my best. I missed my alarm this morning and got up a half hour before I was supposed to be at work. Instead of telling me I should have set two alarms, he asked “is there anything I can do to help?” Who has two thumbs and is beyond blessed? This girl.” —Alicia

“Poptart, my feline boyfriend, because he never judges my crazy hair, ugly sweats or when I cry during sappy commercials.” —Erin

“I’m thankful for my wife for standing by me in very difficult times in my life, difficult financial times and stressful times in my life.” —Rick

“Because he is hilarious, silly, and always keeps me laughing. Even when he sometimes threatens to not be funny anymore and talks for 10 minutes in monotone, it is hard not to laugh at such a ridiculous statement and behavior. And I’m thankful he has red hair, because I can find him anywhere—especially in foreign countries (except the U.K.—that’s a little tougher)!” —Erin

“He pays my bills.” —Joel

“He is always there for me and always has been there for his kids, a family man at heart, and he loves to cook!! A great plus for turkey day.” —Debbie

“He tolerates and appreciates my family…which has proven to be very difficult for previous men in my life! He makes the holidays enjoyable for me again!! Love him!!!” —Joanna

“Because we are a true TEAM in every way—we couldn’t have the wonderful life we have if we weren’t. I am also grateful and happily surprised that he can put things together and fix things around the house—a talent I didn’t know I was getting when I said ‘I do.’ You know, before we actually owned anything, we had to put together or fix…” —Addie

“Ben takes his role as the spiritual leader of our household seriously, and he is really good at lightening the mood at home when the kids are starting to drive me crazy.” —Brianna

“Because he truly is my best friend! He is a wonderful husband and father, putting our needs before his own. He can also take care of most everything in our house. So nice to have a competent DIY-er always on call.” —Monica

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Are You Stuck in a Toxic Relationship? Say Goodbye Now

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

You deserve healthy, meaningful, loving and mutually beneficial relationships. Say goodbye to a toxic relationship now!

I’m not entirely sure why I felt compelled to write a post about toxic relationships today.

I don’t feel particularly strongly about any past toxic relationship (of which I’ve had many) right now, and I certainly don’t feel like I’m in any presently.

However, I’ve learned throughout my life that one of the biggest regrets one can have is not going with their “gut”, which in my experience has never led me astray. That being said, I’m assuming that at some point, someone will read this and feel that it was meant for them, to which I say, yes, it very probably was.

What is a toxic relationship?

I dated someone in my younger years who was incredibly unhealthy for me. I was head over heels (or what I misunderstood as head over heels) for this person, and had no idea that our relationship was completely toxic. Part of the issue was that I was a naive teenager and had nothing to compare it to, but the other part was that I was terrified of admitting the truth.

The truth was that I knew deep down something wasn’t “normal”. I knew that I was being manipulated, lied to, controlled, deceived, coerced and belittled. I just didn’t know that I’d be okay without it.

If it sounds crazy, it’s because it is.

Back then, I didn’t understand co-dependency. I didn’t have an ounce of self-esteem, and I didn’t know who I was.

I was the perfect candidate for someone to take advantage of.

So, how did I not see that my relationship was so toxic? What does a toxic relationship look like?

This article, 5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship, outlines some of the biggest clues that you’re in a relationship that’s less than healthy.

  1. Your partner brings out your worst qualities.
  2. There is a constant power struggle.
  3. You have contrasting communication styles.
  4. Your partner is prone to irrational and frequent displays of jealousy.
  5. You feel bad about yourself when you’re around your partner.

When I read a list like this, I think, “yeah, I remember feeling all of those things.” He was so controlling/jealous that he isolated me away from my friends as much as possible. Claiming, “I just want to be with you all the time.” Which is so lame, but to a young teenage girl with no backbone, no confidence and no self-esteem, that was all I needed to hear to feel wanted and loved.

I remember never feeling good. I never liked myself, never liked my life, never had a “good” day, never had “fun”. I felt trapped, never realizing that I was the one holding the key to the lock.

Why would anyone stay in a relationship like this, if it makes them so unhappy?

It seems insane that anyone would willingly stay in a toxic relationship, but it happens all the time. If you’ve never been in one, you have friends or family members who have. In this article on Psych Central, it explains that the reasons people stay are similar to those I mentioned about my own toxic relationship. Low self-esteem, believing it’s normal, hoping the other person will change, the fear of being alone.

Kris Carr writes about her own experiences with unhealthy relationships on her site, www.kriscarr.com. She explains that this spills over into all types of relationships, not just romantic/intimate ones.

How do you know if you have toxic friendships?

I hate having to admit this as well, but I’ve had a few toxic relationships with friends. Real Simple published this article on 7 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship, and I couldn’t help but wholeheartedly identify with it.

You may have had a few friendships like this in your past, or maybe you do right now. You dread seeing their name come up on your phone; your stomach knots up, and you’re not entirely sure why, but your subconscious knows that it’s probably because they’re about to use you. Again.

The relationship is all take and no give. Favors are never repaid. They waltz into your life, sucking you dry, and you constantly make excuses for them.

I’ve also had a few toxic friends in my past who were always doling out advice. Not so much advice I guess, but more like, “this is what you’re going to do.” And even against my better judgment, my gut feelings, my personal preferences or my opinion, I would most often just do what they thought I should.

I could kick myself in the shins just thinking about it.

How do you end a toxic relationship?

If you’ve read this far, I’m sure you’re not looking to me for advice on how to end a toxic relationship, (although at this stage in my life, I’ve finally learned how). For expert advice, this piece on Psychology Today is a great reference.

One of my favorite nuggets of wisdom is to build yourself up. Surround yourself with healthy people and practice self-care. If I could go back to my teenage self, I would tell her that she is so okay without this person in her life. That she’s okay on her own. That she’s got a lot more to offer than she can see. That she’s worth so much more than she’s settling for. Now that I’m older, I forgive that girl for not seeing things as they really were.

The idea of giving up a friendship with someone toxic is different, it’s not the same dynamic as breaking up with a romantic partner. However, I have heard of people doing almost that – explaining that they’re taking a “break” from the friendship, and the reasons why they feel they need to take time and space away from that person.

More important than actually ending the friendship, though, is figuring out how you won’t go down that path again. What was that relationship offering you that you can find a healthier way to satisfy? What unhealthy or negative patterns do you need to identify and heal from?

I know that leaving these relationships, or ending these friendships, can be scary. Especially when you’re terrified of not knowing who you are without this person, or of simply being alone. Please know that you deserve healthy, meaningful, loving and mutually beneficial relationships.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Millennials and Dating…Hook Up Generation Debrief

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

Did you hear? Dating is dead.

No, really. It’s been officially declared dead millions of times (according to Google).

And after reading some of these declarations, published in outlets like Vanity Fair and the New York Post, you might be tempted to agree.

People like to blame the demise of “real romance” on this thing called “hook-up culture” — you know, lots of sexy time with no strings attached.

There are just so many possibilities out there for instant hook-up gratification: Tinder, OKCupid, Grindr, Hinge … and probably hundreds of other sites and phone apps.

Seems like everybody’s doin’ it. So New York magazine decided to investigate. They made a video that takes a closer look at the phenomenon.

At first, it seems like it might be true: We’re getting married later, which means many of us are having more lifetime sexual partners than before.

But the folks at NYMag drilled below that trend to get down and dirty with the facts. And guess what they found? Hook-up culture — kind of a myth.

The General Social Survey (GSS) has been used since 1972 to track the experiences and attitudes of Americans every year. And based on their stats, it turns out that…

…millennials are actually less promiscuous than folks used to be.

So if the data shows that technology didn’t make us into a society full of bunny rabbits, why do people keep saying it?
Drumroll, please:

1. We tend to look at the past with rose-colored glasses.

Sort of like how every generation loves to talk about “the good old days.” (You know, when everyone only had deeply emotionally connected sexual encounters. Erm, no.) The official term for this phenomenon is “rosy retrospection.”

2. Young folks assume (incorrectly) that everyone is doing it, probably a lot more than them.

Listen, I’ve been there. Between overhearing all the late-night gossip about who’s hooking up with whom to watching “Undressed” marathons on MTV, I thought college was all sex all the time for everyone who was not me. Buying into this idea creates a vicious cycle where even more people think that everyone is hooking up, and the myth continues.

3. The people who aren’t the norm — like those outliers who have a whole lot of sex — get a lot more attention in the media.

Think about it: How boring would it be to read about Average Annie’s sex life (or lack thereof?). That wouldn’t exactly rake in the clicks. That’s why articles like the one in Vanity Fair spread so quickly: It’s more interesting to read about the Wall Street bro bragging about having four hookups in a night than the single Jersey girl swiping alone on the couch with her bunny.

Yep. Turns out that the phrase “hook-up culture” is probably getting a lot more play than millennials actually are.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article