Here’s what I learned about gratitude and pain during the worst variety of heartache…
Pain + Gratitude = Less Pain. Less Pain + Gratitude = A Thirst For More Gratitude.
I like to think that gratitude is the currency of the Cosmos. The more I spend the richer I become. Like everything else, being thankful is a choice, just as in choosing love over fear, or happiness over crappiness. Consciously choosing to dwell in gratitude simply makes me feel I’m closer to the source of the Universal gift dispensary.
This perspective sounds totally do-able when the road is paved with sunshine and smiles, but when the Darth Vader of heartache pays you a visit and bad things happen to good people, suddenly the “do-able” seems bloody impossible. Here’s what I learned about gratitude and pain during the worst variety of heartache; Divorce.
Rather than fight the sadness, the fear, the resentment, the embarrassment with a fake smile and my genetic British upper lip bravado, I chose to commit to my grieving seriously. I fully belly flopped into my feelings and gave myself permission to fall apart like a total pro. Intuitively I knew that unleashing the hounds of pain, anger, disappointment, ridicule, and mountains of crap-ola I had put up with, was the massive exhale that my soul was starving for, after all those years of holding it’s breath.
Thank you for failing.
When you’re faced with good, bad, and ugly, it’s often tricky focusing on the good. We get so tempted to dwell in the darkness, the pity, the punishing shoulda, coulda woulda’s that we forget to simply congratulate ourselves on being human and that “failing” is actually critical to succeeding. My bad and ugly were frightening and painful, but my good was the prize that made it all worthwhile. My own happiness was not the only one at stake. I had a child and we both deserved gold.
Thank you “Golden Boy”.
During much of my marriage, I often felt like the passenger in the movie “Speed”, with the work of a madman at the gas pedal. Even though you may not be in control of your breakup, you are in complete control of how to proceed from here on out. Knowing that you can get off the bus without knowing what is going to happen next is both terrifying and spectacularly thrilling.
One of the first life lessons little kids are taught is to always say, “thank you.”
When someone does something nice for you, you thank them. It’s a concept that is drummed into our heads starting at the age of about two. But you’ll notice that saying thanks doesn’t come easy. Very rarely does a kid remember to say it – it usually follows a prompt by a parent…now what do you say? And it never gets easier.
Gratitude doesn’t come easily or naturally to most of us; rather, it’s a skill that needs to be honed and crafted. But when you get it down, it can literally change your life. Countless studies have demonstrated that expressing gratitude can vastly increase our physical and emotional well-being.
Gratitude can also have enormous implications for your relationship…and your ability to find love if you aren’t currently in a relationship. When both partners see the good in one another and feel appreciative, the relationship is filled with love, connection, and harmony. When both partners focus on what the other isn’t doing and take each other for granted, the relationship is filled with resentment, frustration, and bitterness.
The truth is, a good relationship starts with you. When you bring positivity and happiness into the relationship, your partner will rise up to match and then your relationship will flourish. I’m not saying the responsibility is on the woman – it goes both ways. But the only person you can control is yourself.
If you want your life and your relationship to improve, you can’t blame circumstances or your partner. Instead, you need to take responsibility and make internal changes that lead to external ones. And the most important lesson is that of giving thanks.
Read on to find out how it’s done and why it’s so important.
Why Is It So Hard?
Life can tear a lot of us down. As the years go by, bitter experiences pile up and our hearts become shrouded with hurt and pain. The more jaded we become, the harder it is to see beyond the darkness and feel thankful for anything. A lot of us become the victims of our own lives and we feel justified in it. We blame our parents, our upbringing, the boy who broke our heart, the bad economy. I’m not saying none of it is valid, but when you dwell on all the bad hands you’ve been dealt, you fuel the fire of anger and resentment and this only makes for an even more miserable experience.
When it comes to relationships, expressing gratitude can be even more challenging because the stakes are so much higher. Romantic relationships can cause many emotions to rise to the surface…some are good and exhilarating, and some are bad and rooted in pain from the past. All of us look at life through a lens that is colored by our own experiences and we form certain expectations as a result. When you measure a guy against this code of expected behavior, he will always fall short and you will always feel disappointed. The reason he’ll fall short is because no one can get it right every single time. He isn’t a mind reader and he has been shaped by a whole different set of experiences.
When you think a guy should do something, and if he doesn’t it means he doesn’t care, then you ignore all the things he does that show he does care and get all riled up because of a few things that you (or rather, your unconscious mind) think a man should do when he loves a woman. You feel hurt and unloved and might start blaming him for “making” you feel a certain way. When you’re in this head space, you will not be able to appreciate anything he does and will silently resent him for not doing more. He can text you back promptly every single time and you will still get upset the one time he takes a little longer to get back to you.
One of the first life lessons little kids are taught is to always say, “thank you.”
When someone does something nice for you, you thank them. It’s a concept that is drummed into our heads starting at the age of about two. But you’ll notice that saying thanks doesn’t come easy. Very rarely does a kid remember to say it – it usually follows a prompt by a parent…now what do you say? And it never gets easier.
Gratitude doesn’t come easily or naturally to most of us; rather, it’s a skill that needs to be honed and crafted. But when you get it down, it can literally change your life. Countless studies have demonstrated that expressing gratitude can vastly increase our physical and emotional well-being.
Gratitude can also have enormous implications for your relationship…and your ability to find love if you aren’t currently in a relationship. When both partners see the good in one another and feel appreciative, the relationship is filled with love, connection, and harmony. When both partners focus on what the other isn’t doing and take each other for granted, the relationship is filled with resentment, frustration, and bitterness.
The truth is, a good relationship starts with you. When you bring positivity and happiness into the relationship, your partner will rise up to match and then your relationship will flourish. I’m not saying the responsibility is on the woman – it goes both ways. But the only person you can control is yourself.
If you want your life and your relationship to improve, you can’t blame circumstances or your partner. Instead, you need to take responsibility and make internal changes that lead to external ones. And the most important lesson is that of giving thanks.
Read on to find out how it’s done and why it’s so important.
Why Is It So Hard?
Life can tear a lot of us down. As the years go by, bitter experiences pile up and our hearts become shrouded with hurt and pain. The more jaded we become, the harder it is to see beyond the darkness and feel thankful for anything. A lot of us become the victims of our own lives and we feel justified in it. We blame our parents, our upbringing, the boy who broke our heart, the bad economy. I’m not saying none of it is valid, but when you dwell on all the bad hands you’ve been dealt, you fuel the fire of anger and resentment and this only makes for an even more miserable experience.
When it comes to relationships, expressing gratitude can be even more challenging because the stakes are so much higher. Romantic relationships can cause many emotions to rise to the surface…some are good and exhilarating, and some are bad and rooted in pain from the past. All of us look at life through a lens that is colored by our own experiences and we form certain expectations as a result. When you measure a guy against this code of expected behavior, he will always fall short and you will always feel disappointed. The reason he’ll fall short is because no one can get it right every single time. He isn’t a mind reader and he has been shaped by a whole different set of experiences.
When you think a guy should do something, and if he doesn’t it means he doesn’t care, then you ignore all the things he does that show he does care and get all riled up because of a few things that you (or rather, your unconscious mind) think a man should do when he loves a woman. You feel hurt and unloved and might start blaming him for “making” you feel a certain way. When you’re in this head space, you will not be able to appreciate anything he does and will silently resent him for not doing more. He can text you back promptly every single time and you will still get upset the one time he takes a little longer to get back to you.
When You Appreciate A Man…
Everyone likes appreciation; we all want to be seen and acknowledged for what we do. But appreciation hits different notes for men and women. Typically, women want to feel adored and cherished above anything else in order to feel happy in a relationship. Men need to feel appreciated and acknowledged. If a man doesn’t feel that, he will either leave the relationship or will stay in it and feel miserable.
When a man feels like a woman appreciates him, he will go above and beyond to make her happy. It’s not just about appreciating what he does, it’s about appreciating who he is. What men want more than anything is a woman who is happy with him. That’s really it. And a woman who expresses gratitude and is happy with who he is and what he does is the woman he wants to commit himself to.
The more gratitude you feel for him, the more connected he will feel to you and the more he will come to appreciate you. I’m not saying you’re never allowed to be disappointed or upset with him, but there is a difference between disapproving of an action and disapproving of a person. You can express your discontent in a loving way that still conveys an appreciation for his character as opposed to a punishing and blaming way that makes him feel bad or guilty.
If you want more love from your man, you need to make him feel loved and the way to do this is to show genuine appreciation for the things he does. Look at the intention, not the action. He’s not going to get it right every single time – that just isn’t possible. But the majority of the time, his intentions are good. He set out to make you happy and that deserves to be appreciated. You don’t need to give him anything in return – just you being happy with who he is and what he does is all he needs from you.
How to Train Yourself to Be More Grateful
Now that we’ve covered why it’s important to be grateful, let’s talk about tangible ways to do it.
I think the most powerful way to re-train your mind to be more grateful is to keep a gratitude journal. A teacher of mine gave me this suggestion many years ago and I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. I considered myself a very grateful person and did not see how this would benefit me at all. But then I gave it a try and wow…it was not as easy as I expected. My teacher told me to write down three things I was grateful for every day. Easy enough. The catch was that they always had to be different, as in no reruns.
As the days passed and the exercise got a little more difficult, I noticed myself changing. I started to live every day actively looking for things to be grateful for. Usually this was because I wanted to come up with three things and just be done with it, like getting in an early morning workout. I thought it would only continue to get harder but a funny thing happened after a few weeks…it actually got easier. And soon, I was finding way more than just three new things to be grateful for each day. I kept going with this for months and can affirm that it is absolutely life- changing. I felt so calm and so at ease and just happier all around.
If you are having trouble in your relationship, I highly suggest you think of two or three things every day that you love and appreciate about your partner. You don’t even need to tell him you’re doing this or what the things are. Just think about it every day and write it down. And like I did in my exercise, think of new things every day. It can be things he did for you or things about him. Focus on everything he does right and see how that impacts your relationship. (Mark my words, you’ll start seeing major changes within about a week or two.)
Even if you aren’t having major issues in your relationship, anytime your partner does something that annoys or frustrates you, just think about a few reasons why you care about him and why you’re grateful to have him in your life.
I just want to add that this does not apply to relationships where there is physical or emotional abuse. I’m talking about healthy, functioning relationships that just get rocky from time to time…as most relationships do.
If you’re single, think about what you love about your life right now. Think about what you’re appreciative for and good things that have happened throughout the day. I think writing it out is best because it makes it more real, but if that feels like too much of a commitment then just spend time every day reflecting on it.
Practicing gratitude on a daily basis can literally re-wire you. It can transform the way you think which will change the way you feel and the vibe you transmit. People can naturally pick up on the vibes someone is sending out. When you feel bitter or angry or jaded on the inside, it will come across on the outside no matter how you try to hide it. There is no faking being in a good place. You have to work on it, and if you do, suddenly everything will change and you’ll notice enormous improvements in all areas of your life.
I had one goal when I started graduate school five years ago—to understand why some romantic relationships thrive while others fail.
I also had one primary hypothesis—that relationships fail when partners begin to take each other for granted. And I thought: If taking each other for granted is the poison, then gratitude might be the antidote.
Back when I started, few people were talking about gratitude. Today it is everywhere, and for good reason. More and more research has highlighted the myriad benefits of gratitude for physical and mental well-being. We’ve found that gratitude is good in large part because it helps us create and hold onto our close relationships.
In research by Sara Algoe and colleagues, grateful couples were more satisfied in their relationships and felt closer to each other. And in our research, we found that participants’ reported feelings of gratitude towards a romantic partner predicted who would stay in their relationships and who would break up nine months later. The more grateful participants were, the more likely they were to still be in their relationship.
When I examine the role of gratitude in relationships, I’m not just looking at what happens when people say “thanks” after their partners take out the trash. My definition of gratitude includes appreciating not just what your partner does, but who they are as a person. You’re not just thankful that your partner took out the trash—you’re thankful that you have a partner who is thoughtful enough to know you hate taking out the trash. Gratitude means thinking about all of your partner’s best traits and remembering why you got into a relationship with them in the first place.
But how does gratitude help couples? Along with several colleagues, I recently published a series of studies exploring this question. We found that gratitude can help relationships thrive by promoting a cycle of generosity. That is, one partner’s gratitude can prompt both partners to think and act in ways that convey gratitude to each other and promote commitment to their relationship. How does this cycle work? Read on.
Step One: Feel more grateful –> Want to hold onto your relationship
This part of the process is very simple: Moments of gratitude help people recognize the value in their partners—and a valuable partner is worth holding onto, of course. We found this to be true in a number of studies—i.e., when people feel more appreciative than usual of their partners, they also report more feelings of commitment.
And this benefit of gratitude has long-term consequences: The more grateful people were at the beginning of the study, the more committed they were nine months later. So it seems that feelings of gratitude are tied to the motivation to maintain one’s relationship.
Step Two: Feel more grateful –> Work to keep your relationship
But being motivated to stay in a relationship is only part of the story. We also need to act on that motivation. And gratitude is valuable here as well: Experiencing gratitude also seems to promote behaviors that help people hold onto their relationships.
In one study, we found that people reported being more thoughtful and responsive to their partners’ needs on days when they felt more grateful for them.
In another study, we brought couples into the lab and had them talk about important topics in their relationships. Participants who were more grateful for their partners were observed as being more caring and attentive listeners during these discussions—a key for promoting intimacy in relationships. These findings suggest that gratitude might help people gain and maintain that intimacy.
Step Three: Work to keep relationship –> Partner feels appreciated
This is where the good stuff happens. Recognizing you have a valuable partner and acting accordingly can help your partner feel more valued.
In our study of couples in a lab, we found that when people feel more grateful for their partner, they signal those feelings through more caring and attentive behavior—for instance, by asking clarifying questions of their partner when he or she is discussing a problem. These gestures can have profound effects: Participants who were better listeners during those conversations in the lab had partners who reported feeling more appreciated by them.
Step Four: Partner feels appreciated –> Partner more grateful
Now we complete the cycle: In our research we find that an appreciated partner is a grateful partner. On days when people report feeling more appreciated by their partners, they experience increases in their own feelings of gratitude for their partners. And this makes sense: What partner is more valuable than one who clearly values you?
And this is where the benefits of gratitude really take off. Going back to the initial steps in this cycle, we remember that a grateful partner is a partner who will think and act in ways that help him hold onto the relationship. So now, both partners are focused on maintaining the relationship. In this way, that first moment of gratitude can spark an ongoing cycle of gratitude and generosity (until one of you is too tired, stressed, or anxious, but that is a story for another essay).
When is gratitude good?
It’s important to say that gratitude isn’t always the answer—and it can sometimes hurt you.
Our research tries to identify the factors that sustain healthy relationships that may be experiencing a bump in the road. Gratitude is good if the relationship is good.
There are, however, some relationships that people should not try to hold onto, as when there is physical or emotional abuse. Looking for moments of gratitude in unhealthy relationships may encourage people to stay in relationships they should be ending.
But for normal, healthy, everyday dissatisfaction, this research suggests that you don’t have to sit idly by and grow resentful when you are feeling neglected.
Instead, take some time to reflect on your relationship and promote your own feelings of gratitude. These feelings can help you focus on boosting your own positive feelings about your relationship—and down the line, you may find yourself feeling more appreciated in turn.
It seems like every other day, another study comes out promising to give us the key to a successful marriage.
Why not? After all, those of us who want to be married want to stay married. In fact, a 2011 Pew Research survey found that 36 percent of adults believe that having a successful marriage is “one of the most important things” in life. While I don’t really believe that relationship success is dependent on one major “key,” and that it’s more of the right combination of the little things, a new study shows saying two small words can actually strengthen your marriage. Ready for them?
“Thank you.”
According to a new study published in the journal Personal Relationships, the key to improving a marriage is to show a little gratitude. Researchers from the University of Georgia conducted a telephone survey of 468 married individuals and asked them questions about their finances, their communication tactics, and how they express gratitude to their spouses. As the study found, expressions of spousal gratitude were a significant predictor of marital quality.
“It goes to show the power of ‘thank you,’” said Allen Barton, a postdoctoral research associate at UGA’s Center for Family Research and lead author of the study. “Even if a couple is experiencing distress and difficulty in other areas, gratitude in the relationship can help promote positive marital outcomes.”
The study also found that couples who showed higher levels of spousal gratitude were less prone to seek divorce. When couples express gratitude or show appreciation for each other, it can counteract or buffer the negative effects of conflicts. According to researchers, feeling appreciated and believing that your partner values you have a great impact on how you feel about your marriage and your commitment to making it last.
“All couples have disagreements and argue,” the study’s co-author Ted Futris said. “What distinguishes the marriages that last from those that don’t is not how often they argue, but how they argue and how they treat each other on a daily basis.”
In short, it’s the little things that matter.
Saying those two small words can do your relationship a bunch of good. But sometimes, expressing gratitude can go beyond a simple “Thank you.” Because of that, I talked to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, on how you can express gratitude to your partner each and every day.
1. Reach Out
Set aside time each day to reach out to your partner and listen to them talk about their day. As Dr. Ramani tells Bustle, “They may not be able to respond, but it becomes a touchstone, and lets them feel heard.”
2. Take Initiative
“Do something for them that they do not like to do without asking,” Dr. Ramani says. “But do it without making lots of noise about it. For example, take the car in for an oil change, clean the toilets, or weed the garden.”
3. Surprise Them
“This does not need to be big. It can be dinner on the table, making the plans and just whisking them away to something you know they like. Even try giving them a small gift that shows up in a briefcase at work,” Dr. Ramani says.
4. Compliment Them
“I know it seems small, and likely should be happening every day. But we often forget that those little words about your partner’s work, a new dress, or their smile put a swing in our step when we get them from strangers,” Dr. Ramani says. “But they can be profoundly impactful from our partners.”
5. Ask About Stuff
Don’t just listen, but engage in conversation. If your partner tells you something that happened at work, ask a follow up question the next day (i.e. “Whatever happened with that guy at work you told me about yesterday?”).
As Dr. Ramani says, “It shows not only that you were listening initially but that it is sustained. Few of us are heard any more in such a distracted world. To hear someone listening to us is a fantastic way to show gratitude.”
6. Again, The Little Things Count
Don’t be afraid to say “Thank you” or “I’m grateful” or “I noticed what you did.” According to Dr. Ramani, while those words are simple enough, they show that we notice the effort that our partner puts into the relationship and that we’re grateful for them.
In case you haven’t heard, thousands of activists have assembled in Standing Rock, North Dakota.
[Image: @OcetiCampNews]People from all over the world have joined in solidarity to stop disaster from occurring. Police brutality, illegal arrests and harsh weather have caused extensive damage and heartbreak. In spite of all their obstacles, the people of Standing Rock are more determined than ever to save their water. It’s inspiring, and heartbreaking.
I wanted to help. So, I went. I expected, at the very least, to be depressed by what I found there. But I was very wrong. The circumstances that brought this community together were certainly unfortunate, but the love I found there was unprecedented. Standing Rock has changed my life, in nearly every aspect. The way I organize and lead, how I approach my relationships, and how I see myself – it’s all shifted in a better direction. My goal in going was to give, but in doing so, I received some truly wonderful gifts.
“I’ve rarely seen so much love, gratitude, determination, resilience,” Jane Fonda said after a recent visit. I agree, wholeheartedly.
Standing Rock taught me more about love than anywhere else I’ve been on Earth. It is with deep gratitude that I share these things with the LoveTV community, and I hope that readers take them to heart.
Here are a few concepts I learned from the elders and community of Standing Rock, that apply directly to love. You can use these ideas to improve your own life, wherever you are – and trust me, the positive effects will be contagious. Feel free to try out one (or all!) of the challenges I’ve shared here. Let us know what happens in the comments, below.
Community is everything. Seek it out.
To “commune” is to participate in intimate communication with another person or group. At Standing Rock, a group of thousands collaborated in creating a conscious community. Coming from Los Angeles, I was initially uncomfortable with trusting a total stranger to help me pitch a tent. In less than a day, however, I was the stranger offering help to countless others.
The difference between isolation and community is simply showing up. At Standing Rock, thousands united with a common goal. This manifested in prayer, discussion, action and co-creation. It’s easier to love yourself when you’re part of something bigger, and community is available wherever you are.
Community challenge:
Find your tribe. Go on a walk with friends once a week. Call your out of state relatives and offer support. Allow yourself to be needed. You’ll be impressed by the results.
Gratitude is love’s strongest muscle. Use it.
At Standing Rock, we were on sacred ground. Prayer was happening everywhere, whether it was chanting around a sacred fire, dancing beneath the stars, meditating in silence, or simply putting in a day’s work. An atmosphere of gratitude penetrated every aspect of life at camp.
Prayer is gratitude, expressed. That’s it! Whether you’re thankful to a higher power, or you’re just glad the world is spinning – express it. Gratitude is as much for your benefit as it is theirs.
For me, saying “thank you” is the quickest shortcut to deeper connection. By looking a friend, partner, or stranger in the eye and offering the gift of gratitude, you’re consciously saying ‘I’m here.’ That’s love, in the purest sense.
Gratitude challenge:
Offer gratitude to someone in your life. Whether it’s a quick text, email, or delivered face-to-face, tell them why you appreciate them. Did a friend send you a note that made your day? Did your doctor give you excellent care a few months back? Tell them! Pay attention to how it makes you feel, and how they respond. Repeat this the next day, and the next – until gratitude comes easily. Notice how your world improves.
The goal of debate should be finding agreement. Argue with this in mind.
Standing Rock is a resistance camp, but their goal is peaceful resolution. At one demonstration, activists thanked the police for their presence, even after some of us had been maced and beaten. This gratitude was genuine, because police had honored us by being present. Even if neither side “won” that day, conflict was diminished by searching for agreement. That, in itself, is a win.
At another gathering, #NoDAPL activists were peacefully protesting with signs in hand. Across the street, an angry mob of #ProDAPL protestors began screaming at the indigenous people gathered there. I approached them, peacefully. It took some time to get them to stop yelling, but once they did, I asked them why they were protesting. Surprisingly, our opposition wanted a lot of the same things we did. If this were a talking circle, where we all tried to find agreement, there would be no need for signs, pepper spray or riot gear.
The truth is, conflict doesn’t always have two sides. People often fight over different versions of the same basic needs. The Standing Rock Sioux (and their Native American allies) have made agreement a priority in resolving conflict. This same tactic can be applied to domestic arguments, family disagreements, and diffusing hostility from opposing views.
Agreement Challenge:
Think of an unresolved conflict in your life. Do you and your partner disagree on a specific issue? Is your family politically split? Try removing your need to be “right” from the equation, and entertain perspectives on both sides. Exploring why people feel the way they do often says more than the feelings themselves. Is there one thing that you can all agree on? That thing might be your one-way ticket to resolving the conflict, once and for all.
Love is more important than anything else in your life. Take good care of it.
At Standing Rock, everyone had one goal in mind: save the water. This goal was aligned with each person’s core values and their love for the planet, themselves, and each other. It was love! That’s what was most important.
In this extreme environment, nobody cared what my day job was. Nobody asked how much money I had. Love required my heart, my focus, and a pair of helping hands. That’s it.
Relationships are as important as you make them. Prioritizing love (for yourself, others, and the world) is more crucial to your mental and spiritual well being than all the money in the world.
Love challenge:
Perform some acts of love today, whenever opportunities present themselves. Open a door for someone, write a thoughtful note, offer a compliment or a thank you. You have no idea how big the impact will be until you try it.
Standing Rock is everywhere. It lives in every act of love, every grateful thought, and every positive action. I will carry these truths with me always.
Sometimes we don’t have love like in the movies and it gets us down. You know?
Big sweeping, ring on fingers, declarations of happy ever after, or even someone to come home to each night. It’s natural to want something that you have been told you should have and something so many people around you have, but not having it does not mean there isn’t an abundance of love in your life.
For a very long time I could not see the love in my life, and I felt very alone. But, over time my brain started to clear up and I looked around and saw that I am surrounded by people who want me in their life. In accepting that there are people who love you, it opens you up to BE love to those around you.
Love doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. Here’s how to see the love you already have in your life.
Invitations
Your roommate who invites you to their game night. Sometimes we are annoyed by people who invite us to things we aren’t interested in instead of realizing that there is someone who wants our company. I’ve definitely made every effort to disconnect from people who want me to engage with them because sometimes it’s draining, but the overwhelming sense of despair that comes with the thought that no one cares about you is also draining!
So, say yes to game night.
Of course, you do not have to go to every game night you’re invited to, but what if you did just this once? Maybe it’ll be the most fun night or maybe it’ll be an okayish night but maybe it won’t hurt. I’ve made every effort to decline Dungeons and Dragons invites, but next time my roommate asks me I’m going to say yes!
Road Trips
Your co worker who you’ve known for years and are pretty friendly says they are going to Maine and they ask you if you want to come.
Now, you’ve never been to Maine. Heck, you’ve never been to The Bronx.
Your first instinct is to say no, because that is always your first instinct, but you’ve known this person for a while and you actually trust them enough and they’re sort of like your family.
Stephen King books are set in Maine and you love Stephen King. You tell yourself you don’t have enough money but maybe you do for a two day trip because you never spend the money doing anything else anyway!
The friend who invites you to Maine is saying to you, “I value your company and I value you enough to go on an adventure with you.”
Embrace Friend Fans
You’re a talented artist. You have an art exhibit coming up. Actually, you’ve had several art things over the years and your peers say they want to come see. You tell them no because “your work is not that good”, or “it’s uncomfortable having people you know judging your work” not realizing that ultimately they just want to support you.
Since you have art shows all around town maybe you’re actually quite good and your friends just want to be a part of something that matters to you. Even if you aren’t good it’s nice that people want to be apart of something that matters to you because they want to know what you care about and care about it too.
Let friends celebrate you.
Receive the Gift of a Playlist
Your sister keeps recommending artists she likes to you, but you really hate Jazz music. But, it’s kind of cool that someone says here are somethings I like I want you to like it too. Of course, you may never like Jazz, but maybe the sound may not be your forte but could the lyrics be? Maybe you can recommend your K-pop faves to your sister? She doesn’t like K-pop? That’s fine. You don’t like Jazz. But maybe knowing what each other loves is a step closer to bonding. Perhaps, you find that music is not where you click, but your both big fans of crochet and voila you’ve found a friend in your sister!
What I’m saying is love comes to us in many ways through many people and even if we don’t have romantic love, we can find good love in our lives: if we see it, if we accept it, if we engage.
![[Image: @OcetiCampNews]](https://www.lovetv.co/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/oceti.jpg)
Your co worker who you’ve known for years and are pretty friendly says they are going to Maine and they ask you if you want to come. 
You’re a talented artist. You have an art exhibit coming up. Actually, you’ve had several art things over the years and your peers say they want to come see. You tell them no because “your work is not that good”, or “it’s uncomfortable having people you know judging your work” not realizing that ultimately they just want to support you.