Casual Sex Archives

When Casual Sex Becomes Less… Casual

June 10, 2015January 22, 2024 by Jess Beaulieuin LOVE

Sex is emotional. It’s an emotional activity that us humans enjoy participating in and for me it’s hella emotional. I personally wish occasionally that I could turn off my emotion faucet. It would save me a lot of trouble and a lot of regret filled text messages and a lot of crying in the bathroom at work situations. It seems that without me even trying, I often, with the help of oxytocin, hormones, and having apes as my ancestors, become attached to the naked person beside me, and that is never not complicated. Attachment and complication are basically synonyms.

See, we’re animals and being an animal includes sometimes not choosing who our heart wants to hook up with for a long while and that sucks. It sucks the big one, and not in a good way. ‘Cause not choosing who we want to hook up with for a long while can result in feelings being hurt/torn apart/shattered into a million pieces that cannot be put back together even if you block everyone on instagram. You sleep with another person in hopes that the previous person will be lobotomized but your stupid, idiot brain won’t delete the memories of them. In fact, your brain keeps rerunning those blissful moments like they’re a goddamn episode of Seinfeld.

And you’re like “Hey, brain, can you find something else to focus your energy on for a bit?” and your brain is like “Sure! How about I focus it on your taxes and remember that time he told you that your skin was soft? Let’s think about that for three hours”. This attachment is only made more complicated when you have agreed with the naked person that there would not be any form of attachment. That your hooking up would remain at a hooking up level and Christmases would not be spent at each other’s houses ever. Yet, regardless of that iron clad agreement, your stupid, idiot brain is all “Check out this image of you rubbing his head in your bed on your birthday! WASN’T THAT FUN/ ISN’T THIS CRUEL?”

And you can always sense this unwanted attachments arrival. Suddenly, you’re waiting for them to text you every single day. Suddenly, you’re willing to lose a ton of sleep just to have a conversation with them about dinosaurs. Suddenly, you get upset thinking about how holding their hand in public will continue to be an unfulfilled desire. Suddenly, when they mention seeing other naked people, it stings. It didn’t for two months, but now, you can’t bear hearing about it. You’re attached and you don’t want to be, but there is no going back at this point. You’ve shared too many childhood experiences. You’ve romantically spooned for too many hours. You’ve gotten late morning cheap brunch together too many times.

I didn’t comprehend this idea of unwanted attachment until recently when I began doing the casual thing for the first time. Before two years ago, I didn’t know what “casual” was or why it existed or how it smelled. I was in three long-term relationships back to back and even if I thought my first intercoursing with each boyfriend could possibly only be one night of awkward passion, the oral sex always seemed to lead to them meeting my mother a few weeks later. My process of coitus was: ask out a man/be asked out, go on said date with man who asked/was asked, fornicate with above mentioned man, and repeat for two years straight.

This resulted in me only having three copulation partners at 26-years-old, thus I was curious. I was curious about boinking random strangers I met at dive bars and/or friends of mine who I had a consistent flirt-on with and/or anyone on my “crushing hard on these peens” list. I was curious about fearing that I was impregnated by a generic dude named Mike who I couldn’t communicate with because he only checked Facebook once a year. I was curious about getting tested at the doctor and wondering “BUT WHAT IF??!?!” I was curious about the stand of the one night.

It all sounded daring and delicious and dangerous. So, after my last BF and I decided to call it mutual quits, I promised myself to remain single for at least 6 months, which turned into 12 months which turned into 24 months. And while I was pursuing singledom, I wanted to make sure I banged as many butts as I could and boy did I ever! I banged them butts like banging butts was going out of style and the world was about to end by butt explosion and my butt banging coupons were going to expire any day now.

There have been fun times. There have been not-fun times. There have been fun then not-fun then fun again then definitely not-fun at all times. I am happy that I did it and proud of myself that I delved into the scary world of non-committed horizontal tangoing. But, it has come with its problems, the major one being unwanted attachment. My attached to naked persons was guaranteed wanted before two years ago. I didn’t worry about saying “I like you” or having a texting limit or PDAs. I mean, the oral sex led to them meeting my mother every single time.

But, suddenly, I was late for work ‘cause I was up until 4 am conversing about dinosaurs with a body that was not my boyfriend’s. They weren’t necessarily my friend but they weren’t more than my friend either. They were just… a guy I slept with regularly. I haven’t wanted “more” with a bunch of guys I have slept with. In fact, I’ve wanted less. I’ve wanted the sleeping with them to not exist in history. But, then, with others, I’ve desired for them to hold my hand. I’ve hoped that they weren’t seeing other naked people, or at the very least, they didn’t enjoy seeing them naked as much as they enjoyed seeing me naked. I’ve hoped that I could eat turkey with their family at Christmas.

I’ve often wondered, “What does one do in such a situation? Do they end it? Do they continue on and pretend as if they’re totally cool with it? Do they ask for something deeper?” And I still don’t have an answer. Two years later. It seems that timing is a big factor in the “more” decision. Two people can both be attached but those attachments are unwanted due to circumstances out of their control. Or the circumstances are in their control but they, like me 24 months ago, made a promise to themselves and they want to keep it. Or their attachment to another naked person is greater than their attachment to you.

Whatever the reason, it stings. It never doesn’t sting and the stinging does not go, disappear quickly or easily.

What I have learned is that sex is hella emotional and I can’t change that. I can’t turn off my emotion faucet. If I hook up with someone and my heart chooses them, so be it. If I want them to hold my hand or text me dinosaur images in the middle of the night or meet my mom that’s okay. I don’t have to pretend that I’m totally cool with it being casual. I’m not ashamed of becoming attached. I’m actually starting to wish it happened more often. ‘Cause I’m realizing how special that attachment is, especially when it’s wanted by everyone.

Everything I Learned About Having A Successful ‘Friends With Benefits’ Relationship From My Mistakes

December 29, 2017January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Not everyone is cut out for a friends with benefits relationship, and here’s why…

Having a ‘Friends With Benefits’ relationship sounds great from the start but having sex without any strings attached is never as easy as it sounds, at least not for me.

The first time I tried to have a FWB relationship I was young. I was also very naive. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted or how to stand up for myself. All I did know was that I really, really liked the dude and he didn’t reciprocate those feelings but I thought, ‘hey, he liked me enough to hook up with me and if I hook up with him then at least I’d get to spend time with him. Which is the worst possible mindset to have.

For years (yes, years) I hooked up with him, hoping that someday it would turn into more. I wished that one day he’d realize he needed me in his life in other ways. But, no surprise there, that never happened, even after all those years. I held onto false hopes of words I dissected that he let slip out while we were in bed.

It never turned into more. I was disappointed for years but I kept doing it because I didn’t respect myself enough to walk away. I wanted to stay because for the hour or so we’d spend together it would seem worth it at the time.

After all I put myself through with him, I still didn’t learn.

I thought I could be the girl who could just sleep with men and not get attached. I convinced myself that I didn’t need a relationship or another heartbreak. So I tried again.

I pretended to be the ‘cool girl’ that doesn’t actually exist. I tried to convince myself and everyone else that I didn’t care that I wouldn’t go over to Tom’s until at 11 P.M. and leave early in the morning because when the sun came up we didn’t have anything to talk about. I liked to pretend it didn’t hurt.

I told myself I didn’t care that Josh only called when he was drunk and didn’t want to go home alone. I told myself that I was fine, that I could just sleep with these dudes and that nothing would hurt me because I didn’t want to be the “crazy” girl who needed commitment and want someone to actually stick around in the morning.

But I was. I’ve always been that girl and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to be a FWB person, because most people aren’t cut out for it, myself included and that’s okay.

I learned that you should never – under any circumstances – start a FWB relationship with someone you have feelings for, even if they’re just ‘crush-status’ feelings. They’re still feelings and the more time you spend with this person, especially in bed, will cause those feelings to grow immensely and that will only lead to you getting hurt.

Something I convinced myself of a lot was that if the guy spent more time with me that maybe I could convince him to like me and want more, but the thing is you can’t convince people to like you and you shouldn’t have to.

Sex won’t make someone stay or love you.

Another thing I learned about FWB is that sex won’t make him stay. He will come, have sex with you and he will still leave because he got what he came for. And having him stay the night with you will only make you feel a deeper connection to him. That will get you overthinking and ultimately cause more damage when things blow up because they will blow up if you’re not on the same page.

Communication is the most important thing.

You have to make sure you’re both on the same page from the start and have open communication. Sometimes it’s hard — usually it’s hard, but it’s so important. Without communication nothing works and someone is bound to get hurt.

In my experiences, I’ve always been afraid to bring up what is going on because I didn’t want to scare away the guy. I’ve always felt like guys are terrified of hearing the words, “can we talk about what’s going on here?” And that if I say those words it’s immediately over, but if you’re just sleeping together it’s important to be on the same page. It’s even important to be on the same page when you’re dating, in a relationship, and married. You have to have that open line of communication, because when you don’t things become messy.

Avoid starting a friends with benefits arrangement with someone you’re close to.

You also shouldn’t start a FWB relationship with someone who is important to you or is a big part of your life, like your roommates best friend or someone in your friend circle. If things go south it will become extremely awkward and in a way it will feel like a break up, even though you were never dating. It’s important to be mindful of who you start this relationship with.

If FWB is something you truly want, you have to keep it as focused on hooking up as possible and try to avoid keeping it personal because it’s too easy to become attached or fall for someone when you’re sleeping together and start becoming involved in their personal life. Like I said, FWB relationships aren’t for everyone, they aren’t for most people, honestly and that’s okay.

It’s important to know who you are and what you can actually handle. FWB can be fun, but you have to make sure you’re on the same page, that’s the most important part of the relationship. If you start to develop feelings you have to know it’s time to walk away before you get really attached and hurt. You can’t hold onto the hope you’ve created in your mind that things will work out and he will fall for you. When guys tell you they don’t want a relationship, they mean it and you have to listen.

FWB relationships aren’t for everyone but if you go into them with respect for each other and clear communication then they are doable.

For more ways to please women, check out 16 Women On The One Thing They Appreciate Most From A Man In Bed.

The Joys of a Sexless First Date Are a lot Better Than You Might Think

March 4, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

There’s nothing wrong with setting out to get laid on the first date, but there’s fun in going on a date that leads to no sex, or even not kissing.

I’ve been in a total “dating sucks” state of mind lately. Maybe it’s the winter weather that makes me want to bog down in a sea of fleece blankets, warm tea mug in hand. I’ve been apathetic, because all I can think about is how much work it is to make plans, get dressed, go somewhere, and keep up the effort even with someone who isn’t the one. I started thinking, there’s got to be more.

People who are hyper-focused on being in a relationship will approach dates with tunnel vision. The same can be said for folks who are hyper-focused on only dating for sex, too. But there’s so much more!

I had to remind myself of all the fun times I’ve had on first dates that didn’t “go anywhere.” No sex, not even a kiss, and not even a second date. What ever happened to the joy of meeting people for the sake of meeting people?

1. A sexless first date can make you see a friend in a new light or build a foundation of intimacy.

The first time I went on a date with a friend was kind of odd, which, I guess, is to be expected. I saw it coming. He’d hint at his interest with suggestive comments about my outfits, my smile, not-so-overt innuendos, etc.

But it’s fun to see the different side of someone you’ve always viewed platonically. He held open doors and looked nicer than usual and gave me puppy dog eyes a lot. The charm was turned all the way on, and I thought “okay, I can see why someone would date you.”

It was cute! We didn’t work out romantically for a number of reasons, but it’s good to remember why you’re friends with people to begin with, and it’s good to see someone turn on the charm for you.

At the same time, if your date goes horribly that can be a sign that your friendship isn’t as solid as you think it is.

2. There are no post-sex regrets.

I’m lucky to say (and it’s sad that I feel lucky in this) that I haven’t had too many sexual encounters I’ve regretted. It helps that I generally don’t have sex if I’m really intoxicated.

When you want sex you want it, and I tend to listen to my carnal desires if I don’t think they’ll have unpleasant repercussions. That being said, there have definitely been underwhelming coital encounters that left me thinking, “I could have had a V8.”

I believe that no sex is better than bad sex. At least with a sexless first date, the worst you get out of it is an hour wasted. There’s no lamenting over how you could have gone home and just pulled out your vibrator.

3. You can focus better on who you’re with.

I know what it’s like to go on a date with only the end goal of smashing in mind. You entertain the person you’re with, have amiable-enough conversation, lest they say something that turns you off completely and ruins any chance of you getting naked for them. No amount of friendly laughter and offhand jokes will hide what you want at the end of the night.

And hey, I’m not knocking this at all. If you’re being safe and smart about casual sex, get your groove on.

But what would it be like to go into a date with no expectations at all?

I heard some good advice once about dating and “meeting people”: focus on friendship first.

Think of a first date as a potential friend. Find out their interests, see if they’re fun to hang out with at a museum, or if they like 90s sitcoms, or what they do outside of their day job.

We don’t go around sleeping with our friends when we first meet them – or at least I certainly don’t. If you do, you might have some things to work on. (Don’t we all?)

The key to an enjoyable first date is the “no expectations” part. I live in a big city with so many interesting, weird, wacky and beautiful people – I wouldn’t do them (or myself) justice if I were only focused on sleeping with them, or making them my significant other.

Wow, I think I’ve actually convinced myself to go on some more dates! After all, the snow is melting, the days are getting longer, the sun is showing itself a bit more. Anything goes in Chicago though – we know it doesn’t really get nice until Memorial Day.

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