Why There’s No Such Thing as Casual Sex

There’s no such thing as casual sex.

I was reflecting on this idea of what people commonly call casual sex, which is pretty much most sex these days it seems,  and it occurred to me when someone sticks their most intimate part of their body into my most intimate part of my body, that’s not casual on any level. Not for either person. Just because so many times people hardly know each other before they decide to get naked and explore each other’s genitals in one form or another, doesn’t mean that it isn’t something that  affects us profoundly, and on layers and levels of our psyches and souls that we can’t fathom consciously.

I recently wrote a blog post about the wisdom and vulnerability of the vagina that has been making the rounds and many of you may have read it. If you haven’t, when you finish this one you should check it out in the archives here.   It speaks in great detail to this idea for women in particular, so go check it out after you read this post.

So let’s explore how it is even conceivably possible that genital contact is casual. We can extend it to oral sex but the place where I find it most compelling to examine is of course in intercourse.

How could the merging of these two anatomical components of human existence that create new human existence be called casual in any sense? Seriously, stop and think about this. Ladies, any time you sleep with a man, any time you allow him to enter you, you have just had an intimate experience. If this man is a stranger, you basically have just participated in your own home invasion, LOL.

Guys, when you don’t know this woman, you really are using her as a receptacle, as a vehicle for your own pleasure, not saying that a woman may not be doing the exact same thing because that, after all, is the general intention in casual sex but, guys, come on, you protect your precious family jewels and then you just willy-nilly, (I really didn’t intend that pun, but let’s go with it), you find yourself inside  a stranger with your most vulnerable asset aside from your heart. You’re literally inside a woman’s body, one with her for all intents and purposes, and you’re going to tell me that’s casual? And why don’t you have enough self-respect to think with the head on your shoulders instead of the one in your pants?

16 Women On The One Thing They Appreciate Most From A Man In Bed

Your sex life might be good, but here’s how you’ll make it better for her.

Last night I was sitting at a bar with a friend getting drinks. I saw a hot guy across the bar drinking a Coors Banquet, eating chips and salsa, watching the game on TV. He looked completely uninterested in everything going on around him, as he sat there alone, never looking away from what was right in front of him.

“The man in the baseball hat across from us is so hot,” I said to my friend.

“Yeah, he really is. Just by the looks of him though, I bet he wouldn’t go down on a girl in bed, he’d just expect you to do all the work,” she said.

She probably wasn’t wrong, but we’ll never know if the man at the bar drinking a Coors Banquet could please a woman the way she wants to be pleased.

The conversation inspired me to ask 16 women from my life and the Internet what they appreciate most from a man in bed, here are their answers:

1.  “I appreciate a guy that tends to my needs first before he *expects* me to put his dick in my mouth. It shows he cares a little more for me than just the sex and that he also cares about making me feel good in bed.” – Jess, 24

2.  “When the guy actually wants me to orgasm and is turned on by it rather than just focusing on himself getting off. That is not enjoyable and it doesn’t make me want to continue to have sex with him when he’s only focused on himself.” – Lacey, 23

3.  “When you can openly say what you like and they actually listen to you, instead just assuming I like what they’re doing, especially when it’s in the moment. It makes the connection better and it’s way more fun for both of us.” – Sara, 28

4.  ‘“I appreciate when a man communicates in bed. Silent sex is boring and awkward. I want to know that your world is being rocked, what you want more or less of, how good it all feels or asking me to ride you harder or who my pussy belongs to. That’s the kind of stuff that turns me on and makes it WAY more enjoyable.” – Catrina, 27

5.  “Open, honest, raw and real communication about wants, needs and desires without judgement.” – Julia, 36

6.  “The warmth that radiates from their body.” – Macy, 26

7.  “His voice when he cherishes me.” – Emily, 30

romantic couple

8.  “I appreciate when a man acknowledges other parts of my body than just my tits and ass. I know he’s enjoying my ass when he’s grabbing it but it would be nice to be reminded that he also thinks I’m beautiful or that he likes my eyes. It makes me feel like less of a just a body for him to fuck and more like he appreciates me.” – Kaitlyn, 33

9.  “FOREPLAY! I get that he can go from 0 to 100 real quick, but like, I don’t. I appreciate when a man is gentle and slow, instead of just trying to do it quickly (unless that is what we’re going for). I want foreplay, it makes everything feel better and makes me so much more into the sex.” – Bella, 26

10.  “I appreciate when a man takes control. I am strong and independent as hell, but the bedroom is the one and only place I want to be dominated by a man. I want him to be rough, to a healthy extent, and take control. That is so hot to me and such a turn on.” – Nicole, 34

11.  “A man who makes sure I also cum! I’m sick of dudes cumming then just flopping down beside me all out of breath. Like that’s awesome he just got a load off, but he better not think he’s done without making sure I’m taken care of. Not how it works, buddy.” – Rachel, 23

12.  “I appreciate a man who is willing to try new things with me in bed. Routine is boring, even in the bedroom. Doing missionary then finishing doggy style gets old REAL quick. I want some excitement and I appreciate a man who is also into switching things up and experimenting in the bedroom.” – Cheryl, 41

13.  “His praise telling me he likes what I’m doing. I enjoy giving him head but only when he communicates to me that he likes what I’m doing. It makes me feel really good and I appreciate his words of affirmation.” – Kylie, 25

14.  “When a man is aggressive with me, but only after we’ve communicated what we’d like to do to each other and are on the same page. It allows me to feel more comfortable with him and myself in bed.” – Michaela, 29

15.  “A guy who takes things slow and makes me feel special, when he kisses down my neck, whispers in my ear, tells me that I’m beautiful. Those things all make me feel so appreciated and confirms that I’m not just someone he wants to fuck but actually cares about. Sometimes it’s so easy to feel worthless in bed and like I don’t matter so when he does little things like that it shows me he really cares.” – Brooke, 24

16.  “When he stays and cuddles after! There is no worse feeling than when a guy comes over, has sex with you and leaves. When he stays and I know he enjoys spending time with me after it makes me feel so loved and cared for.”  – Suzy, 23

May this information empower you to new and exciting adventures!

For more ways to please women, check out: Tongue-Tied During Sex? Here’s the Sexy Talk Women Want to Hear.

Everything I Learned About Having A Successful ‘Friends With Benefits’ Relationship From My Mistakes

  • Not everyone is cut out for a friends with benefits relationship, and here’s why…

Having a ‘Friends With Benefits’ relationship sounds great from the start but having sex without any strings attached is never as easy as it sounds, at least not for me.

The first time I tried to have a FWB relationship I was young. I was also very naive. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted or how to stand up for myself. All I did know was that I really, really liked the dude and he didn’t reciprocate those feelings but I thought, ‘hey, he liked me enough to hook up with me and if I hook up with him then at least I’d get to spend time with him. Which is the worst possible mindset to have.

For years (yes, years) I hooked up with him, hoping that someday it would turn into more. I wished that one day he’d realize he needed me in his life in other ways. But, no surprise there, that never happened, even after all those years. I held onto false hopes of words I dissected that he let slip out while we were in bed.

It never turned into more. I was disappointed for years but I kept doing it because I didn’t respect myself enough to walk away. I wanted to stay because for the hour or so we’d spend together it would seem worth it at the time.

After all I put myself through with him, I still didn’t learn.

passionate romantic couple

I thought I could be the girl who could just sleep with men and not get attached. I convinced myself that I didn’t need a relationship or another heartbreak. So I tried again.

I pretended to be the ‘cool girl’ that doesn’t actually exist. I tried to convince myself and everyone else that I didn’t care that I wouldn’t go over to Tom’s until at 11 P.M. and leave early in the morning because when the sun came up we didn’t have anything to talk about. I liked to pretend it didn’t hurt.

I told myself I didn’t care that Josh only called when he was drunk and didn’t want to go home alone. I told myself that I was fine, that I could just sleep with these dudes and that nothing would hurt me because I didn’t want to be the “crazy” girl who needed commitment and want someone to actually stick around in the morning.

But I was. I’ve always been that girl and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to be a FWB person, because most people aren’t cut out for it, myself included and that’s okay.

I learned that you should never – under any circumstances – start a FWB relationship with someone you have feelings for, even if they’re just ‘crush-status’ feelings. They’re still feelings and the more time you spend with this person, especially in bed, will cause those feelings to grow immensely and that will only lead to you getting hurt.

Something I convinced myself of a lot was that if the guy spent more time with me that maybe I could convince him to like me and want more, but the thing is you can’t convince people to like you and you shouldn’t have to.

Sex won’t make someone stay or love you.

Another thing I learned about FWB is that sex won’t make him stay. He will come, have sex with you and he will still leave because he got what he came for. And having him stay the night with you will only make you feel a deeper connection to him. That will get you overthinking and ultimately cause more damage when things blow up because they will blow up if you’re not on the same page.

Communication is the most important thing.

sensual young couple

You have to make sure you’re both on the same page from the start and have open communication. Sometimes it’s hard — usually it’s hard, but it’s so important. Without communication nothing works and someone is bound to get hurt.

In my experiences, I’ve always been afraid to bring up what is going on because I didn’t want to scare away the guy. I’ve always felt like guys are terrified of hearing the words, “can we talk about what’s going on here?” And that if I say those words it’s immediately over, but if you’re just sleeping together it’s important to be on the same page. It’s even important to be on the same page when you’re dating, in a relationship, and married. You have to have that open line of communication, because when you don’t things become messy.

Avoid starting a friends with benefits arrangement with someone you’re close to.

You also shouldn’t start a FWB relationship with someone who is important to you or is a big part of your life, like your roommates best friend or someone in your friend circle. If things go south it will become extremely awkward and in a way it will feel like a break up, even though you were never dating. It’s important to be mindful of who you start this relationship with.

If FWB is something you truly want, you have to keep it as focused on hooking up as possible and try to avoid keeping it personal because it’s too easy to become attached or fall for someone when you’re sleeping together and start becoming involved in their personal life. Like I said, FWB relationships aren’t for everyone, they aren’t for most people, honestly and that’s okay.

It’s important to know who you are and what you can actually handle. FWB can be fun, but you have to make sure you’re on the same page, that’s the most important part of the relationship. If you start to develop feelings you have to know it’s time to walk away before you get really attached and hurt. You can’t hold onto the hope you’ve created in your mind that things will work out and he will fall for you. When guys tell you they don’t want a relationship, they mean it and you have to listen.

FWB relationships aren’t for everyone but if you go into them with respect for each other and clear communication then they are doable.

For more ways to please women, check out 16 Women On The One Thing They Appreciate Most From A Man In Bed.

17 Ways to Spice Up Your Valentine’s Day if You’re Tired of Flowers and Candy

Tired of the same old flowers and candy? Here are 17 ways to make your V-Day memorable.

Many have a love-hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. Sometimes, the same old roses and chocolates routine year after year can get boring.

Personally, I love doing something different every Valentine’s Day, even if it’s just a simple movie and making dinner at home. My favorite romantic meal to make is steak, veggies and popovers, but the options are limitless.

For couples who want to spice up their Valentine’s Day, here are 17 ways to make it a great one.

1. Book a boudoir photography session.

This will take a bit of planning before the big day. Find a local photographer and book a sexy boudoir session with them. Sometimes there are even Groupons.

Boudoirs are reminiscent of pin-up girls and are often intimate and romantic. Be sure to pose in your significant other’s favorite lingerie of yours for an erotic touch. Gift the photos to your partner on Valentine’s Day to get them in the mood. Then get ready for a night of bedroom fun.

2. Start the day off with some shower sex.

Even if you don’t have any plans, given that Valentine’s Day is on a Wednesday, start your work day off right and surprise your loved one with some good old-fashioned shower sex. Chances are, it will leave them wanting more post-work fun.

3. Consider adding some edible accessories to the mix.

If you’ve always wanted to try adding some flavor to sex, consider the ever ubiquitous whipped cream or some flavored lube. Some flavors are actually really tasty! You could even buy a few different flavors an do a taste test.

4. Volunteer together.

Valentine’s Day is all about love, right? Show some love to others and change up your Valentine’s routine with a volunteer session. VolunteerMatch.org pairs you with the best option for you.

5. 50 Shades it.

Get seriously sexy and take a page from the popular 50 Shades of Grey books and movies. There’s nothing like a little BDSM to spice up the most romantic day of the year. You don’t have to be a billionaire to tie your partner up and most floggers are available for under $50.

6. Get home from work before your partner and transform your place.

Leave work early on Valentine’s Day and transform your home into a romantic wonderland. Light candles, turn on a playlist of your favorite love-making music and lock the door so you have to answer it wearing just a little babydoll chemise.

loving married couple

7. Go hands free.

Post dinner when things get sexy, instead of touching each other with your hands, use every other part of your body—breasts, thighs, hair, tongue—the possibilities are endless.

You have incredibly soft parts of your body you don’t even think about. You might be surprised how great it feels to have a soft nose tracing up your neck or little sucking kisses on different places like the back of your knees or inside of your elbow.

8. Play middle school games.

It might sound silly, but there’s something fun and cute about remembering when you were first learning about falling in love or dating.

Make some cocktails then play a game of Truth or Dare (the sexier dares the better!). Later, you can even make some room in your closet for a little Seven Minutes in Heaven.

9. Send some naughty flowers.

Send a bouquet to your partner’s work. This seems innocent enough right? Make the note extra dirty with a fun message about what you plan to do to them when work’s over. Last year my boyfriend went the sweet route and surprised me with a bouquet of roses. He was traveling over Valentine’s Day and I didn’t expect anything at all!

Romantic young African couple

10. Breakfast in bed.

A simple and sweet gesture like breakfast in bed can be an incredibly romantic way to start your Valentine’s Day. My boyfriend and I started this tradition and every Sunday we have breakfast in bed.

11. Take a couple’s massage class—then try out what you learned on each other.

Research and find a reputable local couple’s massage class. When you’re home and cozy, practice on each other.

The best part about this is that it’s the gift that keeps on giving. It’s great to get a sexy massage on your anniversary or Valentine’s Day, but when my love gives me a relaxing massage it always leads to something else.

12. Get naughty at dinnertime.

If you’re heading out to dinner, get a little naughty under the table in between courses. Use your hands or your feet to make him feel a little extra excited for what comes after dessert.

13. Make dessert—and eat it off each other.

Some of my favorites are whipped cream, sprinkles, a scoop of ice cream, chocolate dipped fruit—the possibilities are endless.

14. Have sex before dinner.

There’s nothing more surprising than initiating a steamy love-making session before you leave for dinner. It’s enough to make you burn with passion over your appetizers and melt your dessert with lust.

15. Role play.

Even Modern Family’s Phil and Claire like to get a little role play going on Valentine’s Day. If you’re clueless on how to even start role playing, start simple—think of everyday scenarios between two people.

You could be teacher and student, doctor and patient, or repairman and homeowner.

blindfolded woman

16. Use a toy in front of your partner.

There’s just something I find utterly arousing about turning myself on while a significant other watches. Right before you finish, have a little romp together.

17. Take a staycation.

Book a hotel room or Airbnb together and enjoy fresh surroundings. Sometimes that’s all you need to rekindle the romance.

There are so many beautiful places that are different or creative. Boutique hotels or a bed and breakfast are all great options. One thing I love to do is find an Airbnb with a hot tub.

Enjoy fun and easy ways to spice up your Valentine’s Day.

Sometimes, this time of year can be downright depressing. Days are shorter and winter can be long and cold. Make your Valentine’s Day memorable this year with these suggestions. Hopefully it will be all you need to kick start your romance during the coldest time of the year.

Single this Valentine’s Day? Check out this guide to owning Valentine’s Day this year.