Tag: relationship advice

Top Reasons Why You Should Be Thankful For Your Significant Other

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

On Thanksgiving, it’s customary to be appreciative of the many things we all have to be thankful for.

But it can be easy to take the person who’s always there for granted, even though he or she actually means everything to you.

I asked friends and family of all ages and genders to tell me why they were so thankful for their significant other.

Here are 20 of their answers, which made me smile, laugh, and occasionally tear up:

“I’m thankful because although I may physically be alone I’m never mentally alone. The dude has got my back. And he always knows which beer at the microbrewery I’ll like.” —Andrea

“I am thankful that instead of emphasizing my faults, my husband uses them as an opportunity to help me be at my best. I missed my alarm this morning and got up a half hour before I was supposed to be at work. Instead of telling me I should have set two alarms, he asked “is there anything I can do to help?” Who has two thumbs and is beyond blessed? This girl.” —Alicia

“Poptart, my feline boyfriend, because he never judges my crazy hair, ugly sweats or when I cry during sappy commercials.” —Erin

“I’m thankful for my wife for standing by me in very difficult times in my life, difficult financial times and stressful times in my life.” —Rick

“Because he is hilarious, silly, and always keeps me laughing. Even when he sometimes threatens to not be funny anymore and talks for 10 minutes in monotone, it is hard not to laugh at such a ridiculous statement and behavior. And I’m thankful he has red hair, because I can find him anywhere—especially in foreign countries (except the U.K.—that’s a little tougher)!” —Erin

“He pays my bills.” —Joel

“He is always there for me and always has been there for his kids, a family man at heart, and he loves to cook!! A great plus for turkey day.” —Debbie

“He tolerates and appreciates my family…which has proven to be very difficult for previous men in my life! He makes the holidays enjoyable for me again!! Love him!!!” —Joanna

“Because we are a true TEAM in every way—we couldn’t have the wonderful life we have if we weren’t. I am also grateful and happily surprised that he can put things together and fix things around the house—a talent I didn’t know I was getting when I said ‘I do.’ You know, before we actually owned anything, we had to put together or fix…” —Addie

“Ben takes his role as the spiritual leader of our household seriously, and he is really good at lightening the mood at home when the kids are starting to drive me crazy.” —Brianna

“Because he truly is my best friend! He is a wonderful husband and father, putting our needs before his own. He can also take care of most everything in our house. So nice to have a competent DIY-er always on call.” —Monica

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Are You Stuck in a Toxic Relationship? Say Goodbye Now

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

You deserve healthy, meaningful, loving and mutually beneficial relationships. Say goodbye to a toxic relationship now!

I’m not entirely sure why I felt compelled to write a post about toxic relationships today.

I don’t feel particularly strongly about any past toxic relationship (of which I’ve had many) right now, and I certainly don’t feel like I’m in any presently.

However, I’ve learned throughout my life that one of the biggest regrets one can have is not going with their “gut”, which in my experience has never led me astray. That being said, I’m assuming that at some point, someone will read this and feel that it was meant for them, to which I say, yes, it very probably was.

What is a toxic relationship?

I dated someone in my younger years who was incredibly unhealthy for me. I was head over heels (or what I misunderstood as head over heels) for this person, and had no idea that our relationship was completely toxic. Part of the issue was that I was a naive teenager and had nothing to compare it to, but the other part was that I was terrified of admitting the truth.

The truth was that I knew deep down something wasn’t “normal”. I knew that I was being manipulated, lied to, controlled, deceived, coerced and belittled. I just didn’t know that I’d be okay without it.

If it sounds crazy, it’s because it is.

Back then, I didn’t understand co-dependency. I didn’t have an ounce of self-esteem, and I didn’t know who I was.

I was the perfect candidate for someone to take advantage of.

So, how did I not see that my relationship was so toxic? What does a toxic relationship look like?

This article, 5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship, outlines some of the biggest clues that you’re in a relationship that’s less than healthy.

  1. Your partner brings out your worst qualities.
  2. There is a constant power struggle.
  3. You have contrasting communication styles.
  4. Your partner is prone to irrational and frequent displays of jealousy.
  5. You feel bad about yourself when you’re around your partner.

When I read a list like this, I think, “yeah, I remember feeling all of those things.” He was so controlling/jealous that he isolated me away from my friends as much as possible. Claiming, “I just want to be with you all the time.” Which is so lame, but to a young teenage girl with no backbone, no confidence and no self-esteem, that was all I needed to hear to feel wanted and loved.

I remember never feeling good. I never liked myself, never liked my life, never had a “good” day, never had “fun”. I felt trapped, never realizing that I was the one holding the key to the lock.

Why would anyone stay in a relationship like this, if it makes them so unhappy?

It seems insane that anyone would willingly stay in a toxic relationship, but it happens all the time. If you’ve never been in one, you have friends or family members who have. In this article on Psych Central, it explains that the reasons people stay are similar to those I mentioned about my own toxic relationship. Low self-esteem, believing it’s normal, hoping the other person will change, the fear of being alone.

Kris Carr writes about her own experiences with unhealthy relationships on her site, www.kriscarr.com. She explains that this spills over into all types of relationships, not just romantic/intimate ones.

How do you know if you have toxic friendships?

I hate having to admit this as well, but I’ve had a few toxic relationships with friends. Real Simple published this article on 7 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship, and I couldn’t help but wholeheartedly identify with it.

You may have had a few friendships like this in your past, or maybe you do right now. You dread seeing their name come up on your phone; your stomach knots up, and you’re not entirely sure why, but your subconscious knows that it’s probably because they’re about to use you. Again.

The relationship is all take and no give. Favors are never repaid. They waltz into your life, sucking you dry, and you constantly make excuses for them.

I’ve also had a few toxic friends in my past who were always doling out advice. Not so much advice I guess, but more like, “this is what you’re going to do.” And even against my better judgment, my gut feelings, my personal preferences or my opinion, I would most often just do what they thought I should.

I could kick myself in the shins just thinking about it.

How do you end a toxic relationship?

If you’ve read this far, I’m sure you’re not looking to me for advice on how to end a toxic relationship, (although at this stage in my life, I’ve finally learned how). For expert advice, this piece on Psychology Today is a great reference.

One of my favorite nuggets of wisdom is to build yourself up. Surround yourself with healthy people and practice self-care. If I could go back to my teenage self, I would tell her that she is so okay without this person in her life. That she’s okay on her own. That she’s got a lot more to offer than she can see. That she’s worth so much more than she’s settling for. Now that I’m older, I forgive that girl for not seeing things as they really were.

The idea of giving up a friendship with someone toxic is different, it’s not the same dynamic as breaking up with a romantic partner. However, I have heard of people doing almost that – explaining that they’re taking a “break” from the friendship, and the reasons why they feel they need to take time and space away from that person.

More important than actually ending the friendship, though, is figuring out how you won’t go down that path again. What was that relationship offering you that you can find a healthier way to satisfy? What unhealthy or negative patterns do you need to identify and heal from?

I know that leaving these relationships, or ending these friendships, can be scary. Especially when you’re terrified of not knowing who you are without this person, or of simply being alone. Please know that you deserve healthy, meaningful, loving and mutually beneficial relationships.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Make Your Long Distance Love Work

by zfortadminin LOVE

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

“Right place, right time,” people always told me about my quest to find love.

I found out recently that’s only partly true; you can also find love at right swipe. Two years ago I met my boyfriend on the dating app, Tinder. We both “swiped right,” which meant we at least shared some superficial physical attraction. After texting for a few weeks, we realized on our first date that a colleague of his had tried to set us up years prior. Yet back then it wasn’t the right time or place for either of us.

After six months of dating in New York, we broke up and I moved to Los Angeles. Shortly thereafter, you guessed it — we got back together — and have been in a long-distance relationship ever since.

Though it hasn’t always been easy, we’ve made it work, and you can, too. The following tips will not only help make your long-distance relationship work, they’ll make it thrive:

1. Don’t listen to naysayers

People will tell you that long-distance relationships are everything from hard to impossible. More often than not, those folks were in long-distance relationships that did not work. Just because it didn’t work for them, doesn’t mean it isn’t going to work for you.

“People who spend too much time together get sick of each other. When you have that chemistry and connection, and something to look forward to, it keeps it alive, fresh, mysterious, it’s all good,” said Siggy Flicker, relationship expert and author of “Write Your Own Fairy Tale”.

Jason and the author, posing for a photo with fashion designer Betsey Johnson in Philadelphia (Photo: Frank Wong)

2. Focus on the mutual interests that bind you

When I’m not reporting the news, I work as a host for fashion events all over the country and Jason is a women’s apparel designer. So, you could say we both have a “passion for fashion.” Throughout the day, we send each other e-mails, texts and social media posts about fashion news.

Traveling is also important to both of us so we spend a lot of time daydreaming up our next adventures. Since I am the technology-savvy one in our relationship, I’ve created a private, shared document where we post pictures, links, and travel tips from friends.

On vacation in Tulum, Mexico at the Be Tulum Hotel. (Photo: Micah Jesse)

3. Use as much modern technology as possible

Do you remember the days when a letter used to take a week to deliver? Probably not. I’ll get to writing love letters later on, but between texts, emails, phone calls, FaceTime, Skype, Snapchat, and Instagram staying in constant contact with your loved one nowadays is a breeze. “Do things ‘together,’ like watching TV or folding laundry. Even if you’re not in the same room, it’ll bring you closer knowing you’re having a shared experience,” says Erika Ettin, JDate dating expert and founder of A Little Nudge.

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Holiday Couple’s Issues and How to Deal

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

It’s not unusual for us to fall in love with people who are quite different from us.

Once the initial infatuation evaporates, those differences will not only become annoying and difficult — they won’t go away. When this happens, “Why aren’t you me?” is the question that underlies our annoyance. “You don’t see things the way I do; therefore, you’re wrong. You don’t like the people I like or value the experiences I care about. Even worse, you fall asleep at football games or at concerts.”

Add holiday stresses to that tension, and the situation can play out dramatically. The way we feel outside the relationship will affect the way we feel within it, and vice versa. Whether you’ve been together since last year or for decades, high-stress periods can cause you to be more reactive and defensive. We give our partner less of a break at just the time when we really need to cut them some slack.

Generosity is key here — that, and a willingness to find ways to tolerate our differences. These efforts are what will fortify a relationship, and keep yours from falling victim to holiday anxieties. Here are a few of the major points of conflict couples face this time of year, and my strategies to handle them healthily:

1. Problem: Money and Gifts

Say you’re the type of person who wants to show your love to everyone in your family by buying thoughtful and beautiful gifts. Your partner, however, thinks Christmas is a marketing scam and is already stressed out about next year’s taxes. You want two parties: one for friends and colleagues, then a festive dinner for the extended family. He, on the other hand, wants one small potluck.

Or maybe he sees gifts as objects of love, while you see them as an unnecessary strain on an already tight budget, or a surrender to commercialism. He plans on getting you a MacBook Air, while you ask, “Do you really want a present this year? You just got some new fishing equipment this summer.”

Solution: No Surprises

That’s the first essential here. Plan in advance and come up with a budget you both can agree on. Factor in gifts, travel, and entertaining, and come up with a sum that lands in the middle: It might be more than one of you wants to spend but still less than the other would like.

Your spending limit will be a difficult decision, but it will be the only one you face on this topic. Once you settle on a dollar amount, you’re done. Agree not to complain, blame, or bring up the issue again.

One of the most common reasons people don’t like giving gifts is that they don’t feel they’re good at choosing something their partner will like. Let’s not view a gift as a measure of our partner’s love. Gift giving is an art. Some people are good at it; some aren’t. Or else they’ve developed so much anxiety about perfecting the selection process, they seldom get it right.

Reminder: Gifts Can Mean Everything to One Partner and Nothing to the Other

The solution is not to try to make your partner see it your way. It’s to see beyond your different points of view to the source of the pleasures that brought you together in the first place.

2. Problem: Family — His, Hers, Ours

A client of mine loves to invite over his big, expressive extended family, with five cousins and four siblings, for a New Year’s Eve spread. His wife tells me she feels like hiding under the table when they start telling bad jokes and seeing who can burp the loudest. For one partner, the happiest moment in the holiday season is when the doorbell rings and family and friends come in to make merry. For another, it’s when the last person leaves, and she can finally breathe.

Solution: Alternate Your Preferences

This is a fair way to accommodate your conflicting desires. When the calendar calls for “the more the merrier,” the more introverted of the two of you should feel free to take breaks, walk the dog, or spend a few minutes outside looking at the stars. At some point during the festivities, the two of you should meet alone for a five-minute connection, just to check in with each other on how it’s going. The one-on-one connection, even if it’s a hug and not a conversation, can give the quieter partner a morale boost as he or she copes with the social whirlwind.

Then alternate the following year and host only a small family gathering. This time the extroverted mate should be encouraged to go out and enjoy other social events during the season with friends or other family members.

Reminder: Nobody Is Wrong

To have these kinds of temperamental differences is fine and normal. The challenge is to make the effort to accommodate each other’s feelings and needs.

3. Problem: Traditions

Let’s say you want to keep the traditions of your family, or of your religious or cultural history, which are meaningful to you at this time of year. Your partner, however, would rather watch movies all day or play games with the kids. You love the music of the season and a big tree dressed with ornaments — the kind you decorated throughout your childhood. He remembers holidays as miserable and just wants to get through them with as little acknowledgement as possible. Or maybe he loves Christmas carols, Solstice parties, or Hanukkah candles, while you find these customs all a pointless hassle.

Solution: Take the Time to Hear Each Other

Then ask yourself this question: “What could I do to make my partner happy?” Empathy and kindness are important here, because this is the way to make room for both of you.

Reminder: Your Differences Are an Opportunity to Create New Traditions

You can combine the things you love to build memories designed by and for the two of you. You might even agree to adopt some elements from the season’s varied festivities to build a holiday celebration of your own. Take a walk in the snow, visit the zoo, have a candlelit dinner, just the two of you, and exchange cards.

Every couple has intractable differences. Most couples face conflict on a host of universal issues: money, sex, holidays, gifts, families, housework, etc. The most effective response is to decide that your partner isn’t wrong simply because he or she is different from you. Instead, look for ways to collaborate. Care more about meeting their needs than your own.

This attitude of goodwill is guaranteed to put you far along the road toward a deeply happy marriage and partnership. The holidays are an opportunity to practice strategies and skills that will help your relationship thrive all year. The difference between couples who fail and those who succeed is less about the quality or number of conflicts they face and more about how they respond to them.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

You May Need Relationship Therapy and Here’s Why

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

In early 2015, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard opened up to the media about the key to their happy marriage: couples therapy. Their advice? You shouldn’t wait until there are signs you need couple’s therapy. You should start from the beginning.

“You do better in the gym with a trainer; you don’t figure out how to cook without reading a recipe. Therapy is not something to be embarrassed about,” Bell said, according to US Weekly.

You don’t have to have the insight at the very beginning of your relationship to benefit from couple’s therapy. There’s never a bad time to learn better ways to communicate and deal with conflict.

As a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate and Planned Parenthood Certified Responsible Sexuality Educator, I’ve counseled couples who have run the gamut from mostly happy to inches from fleeing to different countries. Many of the problems they thought were insurmountable really weren’t. They just didn’t have the tools they needed to tackle their problems or the courage to be truly honest.

Here are some of the most common reasons couples sought out counseling, in case you’re on the fence. And if you are on the fence, there’s no rule that says you have to keep going back.

1. Your Or Your Partner Is Pregnant

 

There’s arguably nothing that will change your relationship more than having children. You need to share love and attention, live with no sleep, quadruple your responsibilities, and keep another living being alive. The fatigue alone is enough to make you less-than-pleasant, to say the least. Plus, you have to deal with changing bodies, a new budget… the list goes on. Having someone else to talk it out with can make your transition much smoother.

2. There’s A Lack Of Sex

 

If you’re having a lack of sex that’s more than the common occasional dry spell, you could be feeling disconnected from your partner. Talking to a therapist can help you reconnect, or explore other contributing problems, like lack of self-esteem, poor time-management, or boredom. And if your low sex drive is medical, your therapist can help point you to the medical resources you need.

3. For That One Lingering Problem

 

All couples have problems and disagreements, and sometimes they have to agree to disagree. Some problems, however, aren’t as simple as being willing to look the other way. If one of you wants children and the other doesn’t, for example, you may need help navigating that issue. If you can’t agree on anything, your therapist can teach you how to compromise and make sure you’re making decisions fairly.

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Relationship Experts’ Crash Course in Sustaining an Amazing Relationship

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

If binge-watching Gilmore Girls,Scandal, or The Good Wife has taught us anything, it’s that relationships are messy. Personal experience proves it too: From our eighth-grade romance to our most recent breakup drama, “love isn’t easy” is a life lesson we know all too well.

No matter your status—single, dating, engaged, or married—relationships take work. And whether they end with tears and empty Ben & Jerry’s or last until forever may depend upon countless factors, but your own actions, words, and thoughts undoubtedly play a role.

One thing that’ll give you an advantage in the game of love? Soaking up all the wisdom you can from relationship therapists, researchers, matchmakers, and more. Here, we’ve distilled it down to the very best advice 15 experts have learned. Regardless of your personal situation, their words may help you uncover the key to long-lasting happiness.

1. Do or say something daily to show your appreciation.

“Saying and doing small, simple expressions of gratitude every day yields big rewards. When people feel recognized as special and appreciated, they’re happier in that relationship and more motivated to make the relationship better and stronger. And when I say simple, I really mean it. Make small gestures that show you’re paying attention: Hug, kiss, hold hands, buy a small gift, send a card, fix a favorite dessert, put gas in the car, or tell your partner, ‘You’re sexy,’ ‘You’re the best dad,’ or simply say ‘Thank you for being so wonderful.'”

— Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., professor at Oakland University and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great

2. Realize every relationship has value, regardless of how long it lasts.

“There’s no such thing as a failed romance. Relationships simply evolve into what they were always meant to be. It’s best not to try to make something that is meant to be seasonal or temporary into a lifelong relationship. Let go and enjoy the journey.”

— April Beyer, matchmaker and dating and relationship expert

3. Never take your partner for granted.

“This may sound obvious, but you can’t imagine how many people come to couples therapy too late, when their partner is done with a relationship and wants to end it. It is very important to realize that everyone potentially has a breaking point, and if their needs are not met or they don’t feel seen by the other, they will more than likely find it somewhere else. Many people assume that just because they are OK without things they want so is their partner. ‘No relationship is perfect’ shouldn’t be used as a rationalization for complacency.”

— Irina Firstein, LCSW, individual and couples therapist

4. Remember to take breaks.

“A friend taught me that no matter how in love you are or how long you’ve been together, it’s important to take an exhale from your partnership. Hang out with girlfriends until late in the evening, take a weekend trip to visit family, or just spend time ‘doing you’ for a while. Then when you go home to Yours Truly, you’ll both be recharged and ready to come together even stronger.”

— Amy Baglan, CEO of MeetMindful, a dating site for people into healthy living, well-being, and mindfulness

5. It’s not what you fight about—it’s how you fight.

“Researchers have found that four conflict messages are able to predict whether couples remain together or get divorced: contempt, criticism, stonewalling (or withdrawal), and defensiveness. Together, they’re known as the ‘Four Horsemen of Divorce.’ Instead of resorting to these negative tactics, fight fairly: Look for places where each partner’s goal overlaps into a shared common goal and build from that. Also, focus on using ‘I’ vs. ‘you’ language.”

— Sean M. Horan, Ph.D., assistant professor of communication, Texas State University

 

6. Stop trying to be each other’s “everything.”

“‘You are my everything’ is a lousy pop-song lyric and an even worse relationship plan. No one can be ‘everything’ to anyone. Create relationships outside The Relationship, or The Relationship isn’t going to work anymore.”

— Matt Lundquist, LCSW, couples therapist

7. Don’t just go for the big O.

“Sex isn’t just about orgasms. It’s about sensation, emotional intimacy, stress relief, improved health (improved immune and cardiovascular system), and increased emotional bonding with your partner, thanks to the wonderful release of hormones due to physical touch. There are many more reasons to have sex than just getting off.”

— Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D., licensed marriage and sex therapist, expert at Adam and Eve, and Greatist expert

8. Look for someone with similar values.

“For long-lasting love, the more similarity (e.g., age, education, values, personality, hobbies), the better. Partners should be especially sure that their values match before getting into marriage. Although other differences can be accommodated and tolerated, a difference in values is particularly problematic if the goal is long-lasting love. Another secret for a long marriage: Both partners need to commit to making it work, no matter what. The only thing that can break up a relationship are the partners themselves.”

— Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at California State University, San Bernardino

9. Try a nicer approach.

“Research has shown that the way a problem is brought up determines both how the rest of that conversation will go and how the rest of the relationship will go. Many times an issue is brought up by attacking or blaming one’s partner, also known as criticism, and one of the killers of a relationship. So start gently. Instead of saying, ‘You always leave your dishes all over the place! Why can’t you pick anything up?’ try a more gentle approach, focusing on your ownemotional reaction and a positive request. For example: ‘I get annoyed when I see dishes in the living room. Would you please put them back in the kitchen when you’re finished?'”

— Carrie Cole, M.Ed., LPC-S, a certified Gottman therapist and master trainer for The Gottman Institute

10. Make sure you’re meeting your partner’s needs.

“The number one thing I have learned about love is that it is a trade and a social exchange, not just a feeling. Loving relationships are a process by which we get our needs met and meet the needs of our partners too. When that exchange is mutually satisfying, then good feelings continue to flow. When it is not, then things turn sour, and the relationship ends. That is why it is important to pay attention to what you and your partner actually do for each other as expressions of love… not just how you feel about each other in the moment.”

— Jeremy Nicholson, Ph.D., psychologist and dating expert

 

11. Take care of yourself.

“There is one major cause of relationship problems: self-abandonment. We can ‘abandon’ ourselves in many areas: emotional (judging or ignoring our feelings), financial (spending irresponsibly), organizational (being late or messy), physical (eating badly, not exercising), relational (creating conflict in a relationship), or spiritual (depending too much on your partner for love). When you decide to learn to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself, you will discover how to create a loving relationship with your partner.”

— Margaret Paul, Ph.D., relationship expert and co-creator of Inner Bonding

12. Don’t forget to keep things hot.

“Many times people become increasingly shy with the person they love the more as time goes by. Partners begin to take their love for granted and forget to keep themselves turned on and to continue to seduce their partner. Keep your ‘sex esteem’ alive by keeping up certain practices on a regular basis. This allows you to remain vibrant, sexy, and engaged in your love life.”

— Sari Cooper, LCSW, licensed individual, couples, and sex therapist

13. Remove the pressure on performance.

“The penis-vagina model of sex comes with pressures, such as having an orgasm at the same time or the idea that an orgasm should happen with penetration. With these strict expectations come a pressure on performance that ultimately leads many to feel a sense of failure and frustration. Instead, try to expand your concept of sex to include anything that involves close, intimate connection with your partner, such as sensual massages, taking a nice shower or bath together, reading an erotic story together, playing with some fun toys… the possibilities are endless. And if orgasm happens, great, and if not, that’s OK too. When you expand your definition of sex and lower the pressure on orgasm and penetration, the anxiety around performance dissipates and your satisfaction can escalate.”

— Chelsea Holland, DHS, MS, sex and relationship therapist at The Intimacy Institute

14. Create a fulfilling life for yourself.

“Like many people, I grew up believing that marriage required self-sacrifice. Lots of it. My wife, Linda, helped me see that I didn’t have to become a martyr and sacrifice my own happiness in order to make our marriage work. She showed me that my responsibility in creating a fulfilling and joyful life for myself was as important as anything else that I could do for her or the kids. Over the years, it’s become increasingly clear to me that my responsibility to provide for my own well-being is as important as my responsibility to others. This is easier said than done, but it is perhaps the single most important thing we can do to ensure that our relationship will be mutually satisfying.”

— Charlie Bloom, MSW, relationship expert and author of Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love

15. Identify your “good conflicts,” and work on them together.

“Every couple has what I call a ‘good conflict.’ In long-term relationships, we often feel that the thing you most need from your partner is the very thing he or she is least capable of giving you. This isn’t the end of love—it’s the beginning of deeper love! Don’t run from that conflict. It’s supposed to be there. In fact, it’s your key to happiness as a couple—if you both can name it and commit to working on it together as a couple. If you approach your ‘good conflicts’ with bitterness, blame, and contempt, your relationship will turn toxic.”

— Ken Page, LCSW, a psychotherapist and author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Do You Really Want in a Relationship?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Many have actually gone through this step already. Which is writing down what you think you want in a relationship.

How to know what you want in a relationship

Everyone has different psychological needs that must be identified and met. The thing is, if we don’t meet our needs, we won’t be satisfied and happy in a relationship.

Even though it’s critical to identifying our needs, it can sometimes be a little puzzling to do. Sometimes we’re not very sure what we want exactly.
This article will help show you how you can discover and identify them confidently.

What do you really want

Many have actually gone through this step already.
Which is writing down what you think you want in a relationship.
If you haven’t yet, you must know that it’s an essential thing to start with in order to understand what you want.

While you write your list, it’s important that you make sure you separate between what is vital for you to have (what you can’t go without) from the rest of the list. Maybe you would want to have this in a different color as you them write down.

The reason for this is that this way you at least know what you absolutely shouldn’t go without in a relationship. Many people don’t do this step of taking the time to specify in details because it could be a bit of an effort to them, and as a result, understanding themselves and the relationship becomes very confusing.

Make sure your list includes the following categories:

-Characteristics that you want in a partner.
-Certain physical appearance that you want.
-Certain behaviors that you wish were existent in the relationship. (Example: spend time with you, respectful communication, talk things through to find solutions, etc…)
-Social standard or background
-Values that he/she should have

If you absolutely don’t know what to write, one way to do it is to think of what you absolutely don’t want and write the opposite. By finding out what you don’t want, you figure out what you need in a relationship to avoid it.

Let your list evolve

Now that you’ve done this list, is that it?
No. Think how we’ve advanced with transportation over time, now we have planes and it takes us a few hours to travel from one continent to another.

So my point here is, after you have created your list keep adjusting it from what you see happening around you and from what you personally experience.

Sometimes you watch a couple that you like and see something that they do that you would definitely want in your relationship as well, add that. Sometimes you would watch other people do things to each other that you dislike, or even experience something that happens to you and you realize you should avoid, write that as well.

Never stop tweaking your list. It’s exactly like finding out what your favorite color is. You see many colors and suddenly at some point you see one color and realize how much you like it. The primary list that you have created in step 1 will be an infrastructure that you should continue to build on and fine-tune.

Match the choices with the needs

How do you use this list once you find a person that you like?
Well, if you are very lucky, and hope you will be, you will find someone who you can achieve with all the things you both want in a relationship.

But what if this person doesn’t have exactly what you want, do you let this person go?
No, but depends. Remember in step 1 when I told you to separate your vital needs from your wants in a different color?

Now, this will come in handy. You need to make sure that these things you wrote in color are met, because if they are not and you are not meeting your needs, you won’t be satisfied in the relationship later on.

Never compromise your needs. You can compromise your wants for a wonderful person, but never your needs. If you need to work on yourself a bit more to attract this sort of person, start now. Otherwise follow your list, especially the ones in color.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Look for the Right Partner Right Now

by zfortadminin LOVE

Remember that a relationship consists of two people. Both you and your partner should have equal say and should never be afraid to express how you feel.

Nice eyes? A great smile? A quirky sense of humor? There are a lot of different things that might make you attracted to someone. But having a healthy relationship with your partner is about more than attraction; it requires respect, trust and open communication. Whether you’re looking for a relationship or are already in one, make sure you and your partner agree on what makes a relationship healthy. It’s not always easy, but you can build a healthy relationship. Look for someone who:

  • Treats you with respect.
  • Doesn’t make fun of things you like or want to do.
  • Never puts you down.
  • Doesn’t get angry if you spend time with your friends or family.
  • Listens to your ideas and compromise sometimes.
  • Isn’t excessively negative.
  • Shares some of your interests such as movies, sports, reading, dancing or music.
  • Isn’t afraid to share their thoughts and feelings.
  • Is comfortable around your friends and family.
  • Is proud of your accomplishments and successes.
  • Respects your boundaries and does not abuse technology.
  • Doesn’t require you to “check in” or need to know where you are all the time.
  • Is caring and honest.
  • Doesn’t pressure you to do things that you don’t want to do.
  • Doesn’t constantly accuse you of cheating or being unfaithful.
  • Encourages you to do well in school or at work.
  • Doesn’t threaten you or make you feel scared.
  • Understands the importance of healthy relationships.

Remember that a relationship consists of two people. Both you and your partner should have equal say and should never be afraid to express how you feel. It’s not just about speaking up for yourself — you should also listen and seriously consider what your partner says.

Every relationship has arguments and disagreements sometimes — this is normal. How you choose to deal with your disagreements is what really counts. Both people should work hard to communicate effectively.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Do You Deserve in Love in 2016?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

I recently left a relationship that I was not happy in. Although my ex was definitely an unconditional lover, it painfully bothered me that the man I loved was not taking care of his responsibilities.

Since I’ve entered my twenties, I’ve been looking for more than just a good time; I need a stable partner who will be able to meet our shared expenses and obligations in the future. So, I was faced with the crucial, inevitable decision of calling it quits.

I cried the first few nights, but every night after was a learning experience. I realized that no matter how much he loved me, I needed more from the relationship than he could give.

While I was still in it, he kept telling me that I made the entire relationship about me, saying, “You are only worried about your happiness. What about mine?”

Although he was right about his happiness being important, I realized something: my happiness is just as important, and I cannot—and should not have to—sacrifice mine for his.

Half of a couple can’t be happy while the other half is miserable. If neither is happy, then the relationship is already over.

A few weeks after the big break, I began asking myself what I wanted out of a relationship. Who am I? What do I need?

I wrote down a list of my nice-to-haves and my non-negotiables. This allowed me to see my past relationship for what it was: not what I really wanted. And thus, I experienced little pain and was able to move on gracefully.

Don’t get me wrong, I felt incredibly terrible for breaking his heart. I have always been the one to break things off, but I wasn’t so sure if I ever broke a guy’s heart until the day I broke his.

But I had to learn to forgive myself because I knew the relationship wouldn’t last. And it was better to break his heart now than to stay in it for far too long and inescapably break it later.

He eventually told me I was his only source of happiness, but just as you shouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness, you shouldn’t be responsible for another’s happiness either.

Happiness should come from within. If you have it before you enter the relationship, once ties are severed and the mourning phase is over, you will surely have it again.

The greatest lesson I learned is that you have to know what you want before the relationship starts.

When people say, “I don’t know what I want, but when I see it, I’ll know,” they are usually the ones who stick around in a relationship longer than necessary because they weren’t sure of what they wanted from the beginning. This causes unnecessary trial and error and a lot more pain.

It doesn’t take long to ask yourself what it is you desire and write it down. You may not know for certain right away, but you should at least have a rough idea. Getting to know yourself better can help with this.

Dating can also help refine your list, but making a serious commitment before really understanding your requirements in a relationship can be detrimental.

Typically when we go into a relationship without truly understanding our requirements, we end up trying to change our partner, which never ends well.

A loving relationship is meant to be the reward of knowing what you wanted and receiving it. Getting into a relationship in order to figure out what you want is backwards.

Ask yourself what it is you appreciate in a partner. What will cause you to write off a potential partner (perhaps not having the same goals and dreams)? This is important because if we don’t determine what we will and will not accept, we end up accepting anything.

But even more importantly, don’t forget about yourself. Get to know your own personal likes and dislikes. This is the one time where everything can be about what you want.

When we’re in a relationship, we’re always so busy trying to learn about another person’s wants, needs, goals, and aspirations that we oftentimes forget about our own.

During this time you don’t have to ask anyone for affirmation. All of your decisions are your own. No one can tell you who to be.

And while in a relationship, you still have to remember that you complete yourself. The man or woman you’re with does not define who you are, and you do not need him or her to be complete. Your self-esteem should not begin or end with how that person feels about you.

Be willing to give the person you love the shirt off your back, but your self-worth? Never give them that.

You have to honestly know that you will be happy with or without them. This little piece of knowledge makes it easier for you to leave a relationship that causes you anguish, and find one that better serves you.

That’s not to say that relationships are perfect and no one will ever hurt you; that’s certainly not the case. Every person will come with his or her own flaws, and every relationship will require a little work. You just have to know what you’re willing to work through and what you’re not.

Some words of advice my wise mother once gave me: you are the prize. How big of a prize you’re worth winning is defined by how much you love and respect yourself. You determine how much you are worth. Nobody else.

Sometimes love can turn into a battle that we want to win but can’t. Many relationships aren’t meant to be. That doesn’t make it your fault, and it doesn’t make it the other person’s fault; it just makes it life.

Whatever the case, you should never sacrifice your dignity at the expense of a futile relationship.

As for me, I couldn’t wait for him to be who I needed him to be. And I couldn’t change him either. I had to do what was best for me and for him as well.

If it were meant to be, it would’ve been right from the beginning.

I just have to go out into the world and find someone who better suits me. In the meantime, I am discovering a lot about myself, things I would’ve probably never known otherwise.

You must never get so caught up in your other half’s happiness that you forget about your own, and what matters most to you.

By the time I get into my next relationship, I will have better clarity of what I want and what I need.

But for right now, I am the love of my life. I am hoping that eventually I can share my love and happiness with another being, and he can share his with me.

Romance does not only consist of loving another, but also finding it easy to love oneself in the process. And I have to remind myself to never lose sight of that self-love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Healthy Relationship, Healthy New Year… Here is How

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

As badly as most of us want a healthy relationship, we’re simply not ready for one. I liken it to wanting to hop into a career before getting a degree.

And I am reminded of a story I read recently in the news where a woman was arrested for practicing law without her law degree. She had taken a few classes at law school, but dropped out because she couldn’t afford it anymore. Instead, she lied on her resume, got a job as a law clerk at a courthouse and then opened her own practice. Eventually, she was found and arrested. And while I’m not sure if her clients were pleased with her work her not, she was still a fraud. She operated through layers of deception and deceit and in the end, she had nothing to show for herself.

We often make this kind of misstep in our love life. We are not out of one relationship before diving into another. Or, we don’t have a decent model of a loving relationship, and so, we grab whatever comes our way.

Here are a few examples of not being “ready” for a healthy relationship and what you can do about it.

No model of a healthy relationship:

If you witnessed your parents fighting all the time, or your dad ignored your mom, or your mom was an alcoholic, these are not the best models to follow. And yet, we go out into the world and find mates based on how we learned to love as a child. As an adult, however, you can learn to follow a new healthier model. I wrote a blog about it here.

No proper grieving period:

When a relationship is over, whether you called it or not, you need to grieve. Period. You need to spend a decent amount of alone-time trying to put your life back together, figuring out who you are and finding your center. Without this period of coming to terms with the end of that relationship and self-centering, you risk choosing a new relationship based on flimsy things like loneliness, neediness and sadness. A mate is not supposed to “fill the void” in your life, he or she is supposed to compliment your own awesomeness. Not grieving is also a sign that you were not exactly in the last relationship for intimacy with the person, per se, but rather, for the intensity of any relationship. This relates closely to the next point…

Jumping into a new relationship before the old one is officially over:

Like I said above, when you do not have a healthy amount of alone-time in between relationships, it tends to be a sign that you were not exactly in the last relationship for intimacy with the person, per se, but rather, for the intensity of the relationship. Almost anyone with chemistry can create that intensity, so replacing him or her is relatively easy. The healthier option, is to spend some serious time looking back at the person you broke up with to see where YOU might have gone wrong. What you might want in a new partner and what you might want to avoid.

Choosing the same unhealthy person over and over:

My mother used to say “God will give you the same problem until you learn to fix it.” If you’re dating the same “type” over and over (especially one who tends to hurt you, frustrate you or create suffering) you have not learned to “fix” this problem. Read more about love addiction, build your self-esteem, learn what your values are. Learn what it takes to change. These are all ways in which you can grow out of repeat patterns that hold you down.

Not being a healthy person yourself:

How do you expect to attract a healthy partner if you, yourself are manipulating, lying, cheating, acting out, abusive, angry, miserable and so on? You can’t do it. Well, you might be able to attract a healthy partner, but you will not be able to sustain a relationship with a healthy partner if you possess these qualities. Why? Because, forget what you were told about “opposites attract.” Not in this situation. In this situation, like attracts like. Water seeks its own level. You need to be the healthy person you want to connect with. And that means building self-esteem, being able to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, financially and physically, and be able to enter into a relationship as an equal partner, not someone who is looking for a fix or a hole to fill.

Expecting too much from dating:

I’ve added this in because let’s be honest, dating is something you need to learn. It’s not exactly something that we all inherently know how to do. And for love addicts, who tend to set expectations way too high when it comes to dating, a book or two on how to date, what to expect and what not to expect is helpful. You can read my “Tips on Dating for the Love Addict” as well as Judith Sills “A Fine Romance,” which will really put dating into perspective.

Bottom line: A healthy relationship is a fantasy, unless you put lots of hard work into yourself and into your “career” as a healthy person!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Change Your Context for Love in 2016

by zfortadminin LOVE

Here are just three things you can do that will have an immediate impact on the quality and depth of your relationship…

2016 – a brand new year filled with hope and possibilities. And, resolutions resulting in a rather pronounced uptick in gym memberships, healthy diets, exercise goals and so on. But what about the most important relationship in your life, the one you share with your significant other? It is so interesting that at the beginning of each new year we tend to focus so much on our health and looks, yet you rarely hear about couples resolving to have an even deeper, more fulfilling relationship. I suspect it’s because most don’t know exactly what to “do” to achieve those clearly desirable results.

Well, unlike the exercise and dieting regimes you have to stick to for quite some time before seeing any effects, here are just three things you can do that will have an *immediate* positive impact on the quality and depth of your relationship – sans the sweat and kale…

#1: Change Your Context

How many times have you heard the expression: “She broke my heart!” or something similar? As if the heart can actually be “broken” –think about that for a moment. This is simply a context or belief system that only serves to put fear of abandonment and rejection into the best of relationships. And when you avoid a fear, you are much more likely to experience its manifestation and all the drama that comes with it.

The great thing about contexts is that *none* of them are true. They are merely a lens in which we see our world.

For 2016 consider another, much more empowering context where it is our ego that is fearful of being hurt or broken. And our Heart, as our true essence, can never be hurt or broken, is never needy and loves unconditionally. Within this context your only concern is a trashed ego, rather than the complete decimation of your very soul.

The great thing about contexts is that *none* of them are true. They are merely a lens in which we see our world. However, some contexts are inherently much more empowering than others. Not too long ago I had a 30-something female friend ask me for relationship advice and the conversation went something like this:

HER: “I’m afraid to tell my boyfriend how I really feel about him. What should I do?”

ME: “What are you afraid might happen?”

HER: “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

ME: “What would happen if he didn’t?”

HER: “I’m afraid it might break my heart.”

ME: “If your boyfriend doesn’t feel the same way, what would end up being hurt and devastated – your Heart… or your ego?”

HER: “Huh?”

ME: “What if the true essence of who you are, your Heart, cannot be hurt or broken? What if it is your ego that experiences all the pain and suffering? Within this context, the worst that could happen is that he trashes your ego, but he cannot, in any way, hurt your Heart? The next time you experience hurt or pain in your relationship imagine your Heart watching it serenely from a distance as a slow-motion train wreck that mangles your ego. If you did that, how would you feel?”

HER: “That does take away much of the fear.” she responded.

The next day she called me to say that shift in context made all the difference in the world as she was now able to be vulnerable with him without the fear of devastating pain.

Remember, a context is simply a world view –one that can be adopted *instantly* if you choose. And in so doing with an empowering one, remove much of the fear of loss and drama from your relationship.

#2: Communicate Authentically

Not too long ago I was interviewed on the radio by a female host who happened to be a relationship coach. While waiting to go live we chatted for a bit where she shared how she just entered into a new relationship and started to experience regular orgasms with her new love –something she rarely, if ever had with her previous relationships.

Once we were on the air for a while I decided to turn the interview tables around. So I asked her the following question: “What would happen if you shared with your partner what you really wanted from him in the bedroom?”

And this is where it got interesting. The initial dead-air was palpable as she struggled with her own visceral reaction to that possibility. She then blurted out: “Oh my God! That put me right back into the ‘cave’ with the ‘kids’ thinking he would be so hurt or angry that he may leave us!” Talk about genetic imprinting. Essentially, she was terrified of abandonment if she risked really sharing what worked for her sexually speaking.

And, she’s not along. A British University study shows that about 87% of women vocalize (i.e. “moan”) during intercourse primarily to: a) hurry their man up so he just gets it over with sooner rather than later, and b) to boost his self-esteem.

The problem is that when either party is not being fully authentic in expressing their feelings and desires it will inevitably lead to diminished fulfillment or even breakup.

Ladies, men aren’t mind readers. And when they get hard, their brain stops functioning as all the blood goes to their penis. From their perspective (thanks to porn), hard pounding is what you want and any false encouragement from you will not help matters.

Ladies, men aren’t mind readers. And when they get hard, their brain stops functioning as all the blood goes to their penis.

So for this new year resolve to be authentic with your man about what really works for you (and if necessary, what doesn’t). Of course this goes for men too, however I find that if a man pleases his woman in the way she wants, that becomes his ultimate sensual reward.

Now here’s a tip on how to position this to your man so he doesn’t feel like a loser in bed. You might consider saying something like this (you may want to include subtle batting of eyelashes, a purr in your voice and a smile that melts his heart):

“Sweetheart, I cannot begin to tell you how much I love you and our lovemaking. And I’ve been thinking, how would you like to explore some other ways of pleasing each other that may take us to whole new places?”

Trust me on this one, his eyes will glaze over and his tongue will be hanging out like a happy puppy dog before you even finish the last word. Then be ready to gently coach him so you both experience new heights of pleasure and fulfillment that neither of you ever thought possible.

#3: Insist on Presence Over Performance

Put a sign on your bedroom door that says “Presence”. For 2016 resolve to remove the word “performance” from your lexicon and replace it with “Presence”. Presence is simply being in the moment with full attention, no distractions, goals or agendas. Presence automatically creates a space where you both can fully flourish and share a profoundly deep, fulfilling experience with each other without the stress of trying to “perform”. Both men and women experience sexual performance anxiety, insisting on Presence instantly eliminates it for both.

Establishing Presence in the bedroom is really not that hard and here’s what my partner and I do almost every time we make love. First, you schedule a time when there will be *no* distractions whatsoever for at least an hour or so. You might want to start out by taking a shower together and gently scrubbing each other down (I recommend ladies receive first), but avoid overt sexual contact. Then you might consider giving each other a massage in the areas each of you indicate will relieve most of the stress of the day – again, avoid overt sexual stimulation.

Once you are both fully “warmed up” (especially important for the woman), the man starts to please his woman in the way she wants while holding off his own sexual release. Remember, there are no goals or agendas here –so even if she doesn’t (or chooses not to) experience a climax, respect that and take great pleasure in giving to her selflessly. Then, she will be likely ready to enthusiastically reciprocate in the way you want.

This kind of Presence-based lovemaking can last literally for hours and leave you both more energized when done than when you started.

Instant Rewards

The problem with most resolutions is that they typically take a great deal of effort and time before you realize any noticeable benefits –which is the primary reason why so many give up after only a month or two.

Not so with the ones I shared above. Each one by itself will provide an immediate positive shift in your relationship experience which only reinforces the habit. Do all three and 2016 will be the year that your relationship transformed into one beyond your most cherished dreams.

And that makes for a very Happy New Year…

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Why More Women Are Having Same Sex Relationships

by zfortadminin LOVE

Shedding new light on sexuality in U.S. adults under age 45, new research reveals women are almost three times as likely to report same-sex intimacy as men. And almost 7 percent say they’re gay or bisexual compared to 4 percent of men.

Although these numbers have inched up in recent years, researchers have long noted that women exhibit more flexibility in their sexual preferences than men.

The findings, based on surveys completed from 2011 to 2013, provide an up-to-date look at how this is playing out in younger people.

Stephanie Sanders, an associate director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University, said the findings point to another trend: more women describing themselves as bisexual.

Almost 6 percent of women surveyed voiced bisexual tendencies, compared to slightly more than 1 percent who said they were lesbian.

“As bisexuality is becoming more visible, it appears more women with bisexual behavior and attractions are embracing that label over a lesbian one,” said Sanders, who was not involved in the research.

The new report, released Jan. 7, was conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics.

Researchers analyzed survey responses of nearly 9,200 women and men ages 18 to 44. This included people from Generation X, and Generation Y, or millennials.

By tracking sexual behavior, researchers say they can better comprehend risks for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV.

Some key findings in the report:

  • Among women, 17 percent reported having intimate same-sex contact in their lives, compared to 6 percent of men.
  • Slightly more men than women described themselves as gay — almost 2 percent versus 1.3 percent.
  • Six percent of women and 2 percent of men said they were bisexual. In a 2006-2010 survey, less than 4 percent of women and just over 1 percent of men identified as bisexual.

“The visibility and recognition of bisexuality as a sexual orientation has been growing recently, particularly among younger people,” Sanders said. “Research suggests that the women may have been more likely to label themselves as lesbians in the past and are more likely to use the bisexual label now.”

She praised the study but cautioned that the statistics may be somewhat misleading. For women, for example, the report defines same-sex intimacy as “any sexual experience of any kind with another female,” but same-sex intimacy for men was only defined as oral or anal sex.

“My research and that of others shows that people vary in what behaviors they count as sex,” she said.

Sanders also hinted that the report may hide the truth about male sexuality. “Male same-sex behavior has been more taboo, regulated and stigmatized than has that of women,” she said. “Men may be more reluctant than women to report same-sex behavior.”

Biology, of course, plays a role in sexuality. Studies of sexual arousal suggest that women tend to be turned on by more varied stimuli than men, said Brian Mustanski, an associate professor with the department of medical social sciences at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago.

“Surveys show that women tend to be more accepting of being gay and bisexual, and we certainly live in a culture that tends to eroticize the idea of sex between women,” said Mustanski, who had no role in the new study. “When you couple these factors with biological tendencies, it’s not surprising we see more bisexuality in women.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Technology …Can It Make Intimacy Better or Not?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Sure, a haptic sex toy-facilitated romp with a long-distance lover might keep a relationship alive, but technology can create forms of intimacy beyond simulated sex.

The most groundbreaking user interfaces developed over the next several decades will likely provide us with new opportunities to interact with each other in artificially immediate ways. Access to each other’s bodies may pale in comparison to access to each other’s memories, emotions, and experiences.

Shared thoughts will never replace shared fluids, but these emerging technologies just might provide something more shockingly visceral.

The Mind Reader

Is there anything more intimate than getting into someone’s head? Sure, mind reading could be intrusive to a fault — Kylo Ren’s use of the Force is borderline rapey — but relationships are all about making those deep mental connections with consent. And there are new technologies being developed that could soon make mental communication a lot easier. Take BrainGate, a system that can translate brain waves directly into actions without having to be translated through language or the body — mediums that, more often than not, just introduce noise. Could transmission of pure thought between partners be next?

The Mind-Gasms

The future of brain-based intimacy largely rests on the fact that sex is a mental exercise. Orgasms manifest in the brain through a release of oxytocin in the hypothalamus and the activation of the nucleus accumbens, the brain’s pleasure center. Rolling with this idea, futurist Scott O’Brien has suggested that we could someday stimulate those brain areas directly using neural-based headsets, producing orgasms without the burden of bodies. It isn’t a new idea — remember that infamously uncomfortable brain-sex session in Demolition Man? We’re getting closer to making than an uncomfortable reality.

The Long-Distance Heartbeat

A lot of work has gone into simulating sex, but little has been done about recreating the comforts of the afterglow. A device called Pillow Talk might be the first step: Through pulse-monitoring wristbands and pillow-embedded speakers, the device lets long-distance lovers fall asleep to the sound of their partner’s heartbeat. “By sharing something so intimate with each other,” as the project developers describe on their Kickstarter campaign page, “you can feel connected in a unique and special way.”

The Sounds of Love

A Japanese sound artist known as Rory Viner has attempted to recreate the sensation of sex aurally by turning bodies into instruments. By tracking his and his partner’s movements during sex using piezoelectric sensors then channeling the data through an interface that translated motion into music, he composed his coital opus, “Sex, Sensors, and Sound.” While it’s never really comfortable to hear the sounds of someone else’s lovemaking (though the 42,000 hits his experiment has racked up would suggest otherwise), creating — and replaying — those you make with your own partner could foster a new kind of art-based intimacy.

The WhisperA

The autonomous sensory meridian response has turned into a YouTube phenomenon, thanks to the millions of viewers who tune in to intimate videos of people doing and saying mundane things — like folding towels or wiping glass — to trigger a pleasant tingling at the back of the head, scalp, or neck. The phenomenon isn’t well understood (or universally accepted as a scientific reality), but its effects are known as “brain orgasms” for a reason: It triggers a sense of pleasure that has little to do with physical sex and everything to do with hacking the brain. (Of course, this hasn’t stopped ASMR from making the controversial crossover into erotica, giving viewers a sensational double-whammy.)

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Why I Swipe Right for Divorced

by Lisa Lauretain RELATIONSHIPS

Divorcées may not all know exactly what they want, but they have a much better idea of what they don’t want.

“Never married,” two of my least favorite words, whether they’re apart or together. And yet, they can be found at the top of probably over half of the profiles I come across when I’m online dating. Why is “never married” such a selling point? Am I supposed to take this statement to mean you’re unscathed, that you have no baggage? Well, I’m not buying it, and for me, it’s less a selling point and more a reason for me to swipe left.

The first thing I did after getting out of my three year monogamous relationship was hop on all the dating sites and apps, making myself a bunch of clever, witty profiles with WAY more written words than any interested party would ever desire to read. And it worked! I went on date after date. It became my new favorite hobby. I started telling people I was a professional dater. Men, women, couples, and everyone in between, I was dating them all and having a blast! I think the only reason I was able to have so much fun going on terrible date after terrible date was because I wasn’t looking for love or anything remotely resembling it. This is also the reason I considered everyone as an option, even those with “divorced” in their profiles. Since beginning this open-policy dating journey, I’ve found one common thread that surprised even me: the only single people I really enjoy in the dating world have gone through a divorce.

I realize that this sounds at the very least a bit strange, and to some completely off the mark. The way most see it, a divorced person who is dating is trying to jump into something that they failed so miserably at that courts had to get involved. This is true, but here’s the kicker, everyone who is good at anything has failed at it. Think about it, athletes practice endlessly for years and years before becoming professionals. A stand up comedian has to bomb a joke to realize how to rewrite it into something people laugh at. And how many times do babies fall on their faces before taking more than two steps in a row? A lot, and if you don’t trust me on that one, there’s plenty of evidence on Youtube. My point is practice makes perfect. And a divorced person is basically ready for Carnegie Hall.

I’m honestly more excited to hear someone has divorced than I am to hear someone has gotten married. This isn’t because of some sick fetish of enjoying people’s pain, although those baby falling vids can be hilarious. It’s because I know that someone who’s divorced has typically learned a lot about who they are and who they want to be. Divorcées are not only people who are intelligent enough to recognize that something needed to end, but were also brave enough to have let, or even make, that end happen. But there are more aspects to a divorcées personality besides bravery and intelligence that make them ideal candidates.

The recently divorced typically have more insight and better communication skills. This is because many who have called it quits went through counseling before doing so. Believe it or not, even when counseling doesn’t help the current relationship, it can really help future ones. Therapy can teach a lot about how someone is communicating, or not communicating. By seeing a relationship through someone else’s eyes, a person can realize they have needs that aren’t being met, and can also discover that their partner has needs they haven’t been meeting. What’s more, a lot of people discover that this is why they’re arguing, rather than leaving their nail clippings on the floor. Counseling can provide clues into how to be better in the future, whether it’s with their current partner or future ones.

Divorcées may not all know exactly what they want, but they have a much better idea of what they don’t want. I’ve dated a lot of people who were on a seemingly endless path to nowhere, perhaps because in the past I’ve dated a lot of comics. But there are a lot of people out there, besides comics, who have no idea what they truly desire out of a partner, a career, or even life. Divorced people don’t necessarily all have a clear answer when asked what they want, but they know at least one thing that didn’t work for them in the past, and many recognize how to avoid this in the future. This means that if they’re dating you, it’s probably because you do things differently than their ex (unless, of course, they’re a masochist who loves repeating negative patterns).

There’s also a maturity that comes from someone who was once legally bound to another. Chances are they shared finances, maybe even purchased a home with someone else. No matter how entwined their assets became, they’ve at the very least had some experience with “what’s mine is yours.” This is a huge step up from the eternally single dudes and gals I was used to dating, the type who haven’t committed to anything more than how much ketchup to put on a burger.

And finally, divorce can be quite humbling. There’s a certain cockiness to the single person that a divorced person often loses along the way. They know they’re imperfect. In fact, many of them have had these imperfections pointed out a bit too much so go easy on ‘em, huh? Even those who honestly believe their relationship failed solely because of the other person involved still know it failed, and live with the knowledge that even they couldn’t save it.

So I suggest the next time you see “divorced” in a profile, you give them a chance. And if you’re divorced, be proud that you made a choice that you’re probably happier and healthier for! Wear it like a badge of honor, because there are people out there, including myself, who will always pass up the “never married” for the more seasoned divorcées.