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Healthy Relationship, Healthy New Year… Here is How

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

As badly as most of us want a healthy relationship, we’re simply not ready for one. I liken it to wanting to hop into a career before getting a degree.

And I am reminded of a story I read recently in the news where a woman was arrested for practicing law without her law degree. She had taken a few classes at law school, but dropped out because she couldn’t afford it anymore. Instead, she lied on her resume, got a job as a law clerk at a courthouse and then opened her own practice. Eventually, she was found and arrested. And while I’m not sure if her clients were pleased with her work her not, she was still a fraud. She operated through layers of deception and deceit and in the end, she had nothing to show for herself.

We often make this kind of misstep in our love life. We are not out of one relationship before diving into another. Or, we don’t have a decent model of a loving relationship, and so, we grab whatever comes our way.

Here are a few examples of not being “ready” for a healthy relationship and what you can do about it.

No model of a healthy relationship:

If you witnessed your parents fighting all the time, or your dad ignored your mom, or your mom was an alcoholic, these are not the best models to follow. And yet, we go out into the world and find mates based on how we learned to love as a child. As an adult, however, you can learn to follow a new healthier model. I wrote a blog about it here.

No proper grieving period:

When a relationship is over, whether you called it or not, you need to grieve. Period. You need to spend a decent amount of alone-time trying to put your life back together, figuring out who you are and finding your center. Without this period of coming to terms with the end of that relationship and self-centering, you risk choosing a new relationship based on flimsy things like loneliness, neediness and sadness. A mate is not supposed to “fill the void” in your life, he or she is supposed to compliment your own awesomeness. Not grieving is also a sign that you were not exactly in the last relationship for intimacy with the person, per se, but rather, for the intensity of any relationship. This relates closely to the next point…

Jumping into a new relationship before the old one is officially over:

Like I said above, when you do not have a healthy amount of alone-time in between relationships, it tends to be a sign that you were not exactly in the last relationship for intimacy with the person, per se, but rather, for the intensity of the relationship. Almost anyone with chemistry can create that intensity, so replacing him or her is relatively easy. The healthier option, is to spend some serious time looking back at the person you broke up with to see where YOU might have gone wrong. What you might want in a new partner and what you might want to avoid.

Choosing the same unhealthy person over and over:

My mother used to say “God will give you the same problem until you learn to fix it.” If you’re dating the same “type” over and over (especially one who tends to hurt you, frustrate you or create suffering) you have not learned to “fix” this problem. Read more about love addiction, build your self-esteem, learn what your values are. Learn what it takes to change. These are all ways in which you can grow out of repeat patterns that hold you down.

Not being a healthy person yourself:

How do you expect to attract a healthy partner if you, yourself are manipulating, lying, cheating, acting out, abusive, angry, miserable and so on? You can’t do it. Well, you might be able to attract a healthy partner, but you will not be able to sustain a relationship with a healthy partner if you possess these qualities. Why? Because, forget what you were told about “opposites attract.” Not in this situation. In this situation, like attracts like. Water seeks its own level. You need to be the healthy person you want to connect with. And that means building self-esteem, being able to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, financially and physically, and be able to enter into a relationship as an equal partner, not someone who is looking for a fix or a hole to fill.

Expecting too much from dating:

I’ve added this in because let’s be honest, dating is something you need to learn. It’s not exactly something that we all inherently know how to do. And for love addicts, who tend to set expectations way too high when it comes to dating, a book or two on how to date, what to expect and what not to expect is helpful. You can read my “Tips on Dating for the Love Addict” as well as Judith Sills “A Fine Romance,” which will really put dating into perspective.

Bottom line: A healthy relationship is a fantasy, unless you put lots of hard work into yourself and into your “career” as a healthy person!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Change Your Context for Love in 2016

by zfortadminin LOVE

Here are just three things you can do that will have an immediate impact on the quality and depth of your relationship…

2016 – a brand new year filled with hope and possibilities. And, resolutions resulting in a rather pronounced uptick in gym memberships, healthy diets, exercise goals and so on. But what about the most important relationship in your life, the one you share with your significant other? It is so interesting that at the beginning of each new year we tend to focus so much on our health and looks, yet you rarely hear about couples resolving to have an even deeper, more fulfilling relationship. I suspect it’s because most don’t know exactly what to “do” to achieve those clearly desirable results.

Well, unlike the exercise and dieting regimes you have to stick to for quite some time before seeing any effects, here are just three things you can do that will have an *immediate* positive impact on the quality and depth of your relationship – sans the sweat and kale…

#1: Change Your Context

How many times have you heard the expression: “She broke my heart!” or something similar? As if the heart can actually be “broken” –think about that for a moment. This is simply a context or belief system that only serves to put fear of abandonment and rejection into the best of relationships. And when you avoid a fear, you are much more likely to experience its manifestation and all the drama that comes with it.

The great thing about contexts is that *none* of them are true. They are merely a lens in which we see our world.

For 2016 consider another, much more empowering context where it is our ego that is fearful of being hurt or broken. And our Heart, as our true essence, can never be hurt or broken, is never needy and loves unconditionally. Within this context your only concern is a trashed ego, rather than the complete decimation of your very soul.

The great thing about contexts is that *none* of them are true. They are merely a lens in which we see our world. However, some contexts are inherently much more empowering than others. Not too long ago I had a 30-something female friend ask me for relationship advice and the conversation went something like this:

HER: “I’m afraid to tell my boyfriend how I really feel about him. What should I do?”

ME: “What are you afraid might happen?”

HER: “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

ME: “What would happen if he didn’t?”

HER: “I’m afraid it might break my heart.”

ME: “If your boyfriend doesn’t feel the same way, what would end up being hurt and devastated – your Heart… or your ego?”

HER: “Huh?”

ME: “What if the true essence of who you are, your Heart, cannot be hurt or broken? What if it is your ego that experiences all the pain and suffering? Within this context, the worst that could happen is that he trashes your ego, but he cannot, in any way, hurt your Heart? The next time you experience hurt or pain in your relationship imagine your Heart watching it serenely from a distance as a slow-motion train wreck that mangles your ego. If you did that, how would you feel?”

HER: “That does take away much of the fear.” she responded.

The next day she called me to say that shift in context made all the difference in the world as she was now able to be vulnerable with him without the fear of devastating pain.

Remember, a context is simply a world view –one that can be adopted *instantly* if you choose. And in so doing with an empowering one, remove much of the fear of loss and drama from your relationship.

#2: Communicate Authentically

Not too long ago I was interviewed on the radio by a female host who happened to be a relationship coach. While waiting to go live we chatted for a bit where she shared how she just entered into a new relationship and started to experience regular orgasms with her new love –something she rarely, if ever had with her previous relationships.

Once we were on the air for a while I decided to turn the interview tables around. So I asked her the following question: “What would happen if you shared with your partner what you really wanted from him in the bedroom?”

And this is where it got interesting. The initial dead-air was palpable as she struggled with her own visceral reaction to that possibility. She then blurted out: “Oh my God! That put me right back into the ‘cave’ with the ‘kids’ thinking he would be so hurt or angry that he may leave us!” Talk about genetic imprinting. Essentially, she was terrified of abandonment if she risked really sharing what worked for her sexually speaking.

And, she’s not along. A British University study shows that about 87% of women vocalize (i.e. “moan”) during intercourse primarily to: a) hurry their man up so he just gets it over with sooner rather than later, and b) to boost his self-esteem.

The problem is that when either party is not being fully authentic in expressing their feelings and desires it will inevitably lead to diminished fulfillment or even breakup.

Ladies, men aren’t mind readers. And when they get hard, their brain stops functioning as all the blood goes to their penis. From their perspective (thanks to porn), hard pounding is what you want and any false encouragement from you will not help matters.

Ladies, men aren’t mind readers. And when they get hard, their brain stops functioning as all the blood goes to their penis.

So for this new year resolve to be authentic with your man about what really works for you (and if necessary, what doesn’t). Of course this goes for men too, however I find that if a man pleases his woman in the way she wants, that becomes his ultimate sensual reward.

Now here’s a tip on how to position this to your man so he doesn’t feel like a loser in bed. You might consider saying something like this (you may want to include subtle batting of eyelashes, a purr in your voice and a smile that melts his heart):

“Sweetheart, I cannot begin to tell you how much I love you and our lovemaking. And I’ve been thinking, how would you like to explore some other ways of pleasing each other that may take us to whole new places?”

Trust me on this one, his eyes will glaze over and his tongue will be hanging out like a happy puppy dog before you even finish the last word. Then be ready to gently coach him so you both experience new heights of pleasure and fulfillment that neither of you ever thought possible.

#3: Insist on Presence Over Performance

Put a sign on your bedroom door that says “Presence”. For 2016 resolve to remove the word “performance” from your lexicon and replace it with “Presence”. Presence is simply being in the moment with full attention, no distractions, goals or agendas. Presence automatically creates a space where you both can fully flourish and share a profoundly deep, fulfilling experience with each other without the stress of trying to “perform”. Both men and women experience sexual performance anxiety, insisting on Presence instantly eliminates it for both.

Establishing Presence in the bedroom is really not that hard and here’s what my partner and I do almost every time we make love. First, you schedule a time when there will be *no* distractions whatsoever for at least an hour or so. You might want to start out by taking a shower together and gently scrubbing each other down (I recommend ladies receive first), but avoid overt sexual contact. Then you might consider giving each other a massage in the areas each of you indicate will relieve most of the stress of the day – again, avoid overt sexual stimulation.

Once you are both fully “warmed up” (especially important for the woman), the man starts to please his woman in the way she wants while holding off his own sexual release. Remember, there are no goals or agendas here –so even if she doesn’t (or chooses not to) experience a climax, respect that and take great pleasure in giving to her selflessly. Then, she will be likely ready to enthusiastically reciprocate in the way you want.

This kind of Presence-based lovemaking can last literally for hours and leave you both more energized when done than when you started.

Instant Rewards

The problem with most resolutions is that they typically take a great deal of effort and time before you realize any noticeable benefits –which is the primary reason why so many give up after only a month or two.

Not so with the ones I shared above. Each one by itself will provide an immediate positive shift in your relationship experience which only reinforces the habit. Do all three and 2016 will be the year that your relationship transformed into one beyond your most cherished dreams.

And that makes for a very Happy New Year…

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Why More Women Are Having Same Sex Relationships

by zfortadminin LOVE

Shedding new light on sexuality in U.S. adults under age 45, new research reveals women are almost three times as likely to report same-sex intimacy as men. And almost 7 percent say they’re gay or bisexual compared to 4 percent of men.

Although these numbers have inched up in recent years, researchers have long noted that women exhibit more flexibility in their sexual preferences than men.

The findings, based on surveys completed from 2011 to 2013, provide an up-to-date look at how this is playing out in younger people.

Stephanie Sanders, an associate director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University, said the findings point to another trend: more women describing themselves as bisexual.

Almost 6 percent of women surveyed voiced bisexual tendencies, compared to slightly more than 1 percent who said they were lesbian.

“As bisexuality is becoming more visible, it appears more women with bisexual behavior and attractions are embracing that label over a lesbian one,” said Sanders, who was not involved in the research.

The new report, released Jan. 7, was conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics.

Researchers analyzed survey responses of nearly 9,200 women and men ages 18 to 44. This included people from Generation X, and Generation Y, or millennials.

By tracking sexual behavior, researchers say they can better comprehend risks for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV.

Some key findings in the report:

  • Among women, 17 percent reported having intimate same-sex contact in their lives, compared to 6 percent of men.
  • Slightly more men than women described themselves as gay — almost 2 percent versus 1.3 percent.
  • Six percent of women and 2 percent of men said they were bisexual. In a 2006-2010 survey, less than 4 percent of women and just over 1 percent of men identified as bisexual.

“The visibility and recognition of bisexuality as a sexual orientation has been growing recently, particularly among younger people,” Sanders said. “Research suggests that the women may have been more likely to label themselves as lesbians in the past and are more likely to use the bisexual label now.”

She praised the study but cautioned that the statistics may be somewhat misleading. For women, for example, the report defines same-sex intimacy as “any sexual experience of any kind with another female,” but same-sex intimacy for men was only defined as oral or anal sex.

“My research and that of others shows that people vary in what behaviors they count as sex,” she said.

Sanders also hinted that the report may hide the truth about male sexuality. “Male same-sex behavior has been more taboo, regulated and stigmatized than has that of women,” she said. “Men may be more reluctant than women to report same-sex behavior.”

Biology, of course, plays a role in sexuality. Studies of sexual arousal suggest that women tend to be turned on by more varied stimuli than men, said Brian Mustanski, an associate professor with the department of medical social sciences at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago.

“Surveys show that women tend to be more accepting of being gay and bisexual, and we certainly live in a culture that tends to eroticize the idea of sex between women,” said Mustanski, who had no role in the new study. “When you couple these factors with biological tendencies, it’s not surprising we see more bisexuality in women.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Technology …Can It Make Intimacy Better or Not?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Sure, a haptic sex toy-facilitated romp with a long-distance lover might keep a relationship alive, but technology can create forms of intimacy beyond simulated sex.

The most groundbreaking user interfaces developed over the next several decades will likely provide us with new opportunities to interact with each other in artificially immediate ways. Access to each other’s bodies may pale in comparison to access to each other’s memories, emotions, and experiences.

Shared thoughts will never replace shared fluids, but these emerging technologies just might provide something more shockingly visceral.

The Mind Reader

Is there anything more intimate than getting into someone’s head? Sure, mind reading could be intrusive to a fault — Kylo Ren’s use of the Force is borderline rapey — but relationships are all about making those deep mental connections with consent. And there are new technologies being developed that could soon make mental communication a lot easier. Take BrainGate, a system that can translate brain waves directly into actions without having to be translated through language or the body — mediums that, more often than not, just introduce noise. Could transmission of pure thought between partners be next?

The Mind-Gasms

The future of brain-based intimacy largely rests on the fact that sex is a mental exercise. Orgasms manifest in the brain through a release of oxytocin in the hypothalamus and the activation of the nucleus accumbens, the brain’s pleasure center. Rolling with this idea, futurist Scott O’Brien has suggested that we could someday stimulate those brain areas directly using neural-based headsets, producing orgasms without the burden of bodies. It isn’t a new idea — remember that infamously uncomfortable brain-sex session in Demolition Man? We’re getting closer to making than an uncomfortable reality.

The Long-Distance Heartbeat

A lot of work has gone into simulating sex, but little has been done about recreating the comforts of the afterglow. A device called Pillow Talk might be the first step: Through pulse-monitoring wristbands and pillow-embedded speakers, the device lets long-distance lovers fall asleep to the sound of their partner’s heartbeat. “By sharing something so intimate with each other,” as the project developers describe on their Kickstarter campaign page, “you can feel connected in a unique and special way.”

The Sounds of Love

A Japanese sound artist known as Rory Viner has attempted to recreate the sensation of sex aurally by turning bodies into instruments. By tracking his and his partner’s movements during sex using piezoelectric sensors then channeling the data through an interface that translated motion into music, he composed his coital opus, “Sex, Sensors, and Sound.” While it’s never really comfortable to hear the sounds of someone else’s lovemaking (though the 42,000 hits his experiment has racked up would suggest otherwise), creating — and replaying — those you make with your own partner could foster a new kind of art-based intimacy.

The WhisperA

The autonomous sensory meridian response has turned into a YouTube phenomenon, thanks to the millions of viewers who tune in to intimate videos of people doing and saying mundane things — like folding towels or wiping glass — to trigger a pleasant tingling at the back of the head, scalp, or neck. The phenomenon isn’t well understood (or universally accepted as a scientific reality), but its effects are known as “brain orgasms” for a reason: It triggers a sense of pleasure that has little to do with physical sex and everything to do with hacking the brain. (Of course, this hasn’t stopped ASMR from making the controversial crossover into erotica, giving viewers a sensational double-whammy.)

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Why I Swipe Right for Divorced

by Lisa Lauretain RELATIONSHIPS

Divorcées may not all know exactly what they want, but they have a much better idea of what they don’t want.

“Never married,” two of my least favorite words, whether they’re apart or together. And yet, they can be found at the top of probably over half of the profiles I come across when I’m online dating. Why is “never married” such a selling point? Am I supposed to take this statement to mean you’re unscathed, that you have no baggage? Well, I’m not buying it, and for me, it’s less a selling point and more a reason for me to swipe left.

The first thing I did after getting out of my three year monogamous relationship was hop on all the dating sites and apps, making myself a bunch of clever, witty profiles with WAY more written words than any interested party would ever desire to read. And it worked! I went on date after date. It became my new favorite hobby. I started telling people I was a professional dater. Men, women, couples, and everyone in between, I was dating them all and having a blast! I think the only reason I was able to have so much fun going on terrible date after terrible date was because I wasn’t looking for love or anything remotely resembling it. This is also the reason I considered everyone as an option, even those with “divorced” in their profiles. Since beginning this open-policy dating journey, I’ve found one common thread that surprised even me: the only single people I really enjoy in the dating world have gone through a divorce.

I realize that this sounds at the very least a bit strange, and to some completely off the mark. The way most see it, a divorced person who is dating is trying to jump into something that they failed so miserably at that courts had to get involved. This is true, but here’s the kicker, everyone who is good at anything has failed at it. Think about it, athletes practice endlessly for years and years before becoming professionals. A stand up comedian has to bomb a joke to realize how to rewrite it into something people laugh at. And how many times do babies fall on their faces before taking more than two steps in a row? A lot, and if you don’t trust me on that one, there’s plenty of evidence on Youtube. My point is practice makes perfect. And a divorced person is basically ready for Carnegie Hall.

I’m honestly more excited to hear someone has divorced than I am to hear someone has gotten married. This isn’t because of some sick fetish of enjoying people’s pain, although those baby falling vids can be hilarious. It’s because I know that someone who’s divorced has typically learned a lot about who they are and who they want to be. Divorcées are not only people who are intelligent enough to recognize that something needed to end, but were also brave enough to have let, or even make, that end happen. But there are more aspects to a divorcées personality besides bravery and intelligence that make them ideal candidates.

The recently divorced typically have more insight and better communication skills. This is because many who have called it quits went through counseling before doing so. Believe it or not, even when counseling doesn’t help the current relationship, it can really help future ones. Therapy can teach a lot about how someone is communicating, or not communicating. By seeing a relationship through someone else’s eyes, a person can realize they have needs that aren’t being met, and can also discover that their partner has needs they haven’t been meeting. What’s more, a lot of people discover that this is why they’re arguing, rather than leaving their nail clippings on the floor. Counseling can provide clues into how to be better in the future, whether it’s with their current partner or future ones.

Divorcées may not all know exactly what they want, but they have a much better idea of what they don’t want. I’ve dated a lot of people who were on a seemingly endless path to nowhere, perhaps because in the past I’ve dated a lot of comics. But there are a lot of people out there, besides comics, who have no idea what they truly desire out of a partner, a career, or even life. Divorced people don’t necessarily all have a clear answer when asked what they want, but they know at least one thing that didn’t work for them in the past, and many recognize how to avoid this in the future. This means that if they’re dating you, it’s probably because you do things differently than their ex (unless, of course, they’re a masochist who loves repeating negative patterns).

There’s also a maturity that comes from someone who was once legally bound to another. Chances are they shared finances, maybe even purchased a home with someone else. No matter how entwined their assets became, they’ve at the very least had some experience with “what’s mine is yours.” This is a huge step up from the eternally single dudes and gals I was used to dating, the type who haven’t committed to anything more than how much ketchup to put on a burger.

And finally, divorce can be quite humbling. There’s a certain cockiness to the single person that a divorced person often loses along the way. They know they’re imperfect. In fact, many of them have had these imperfections pointed out a bit too much so go easy on ‘em, huh? Even those who honestly believe their relationship failed solely because of the other person involved still know it failed, and live with the knowledge that even they couldn’t save it.

So I suggest the next time you see “divorced” in a profile, you give them a chance. And if you’re divorced, be proud that you made a choice that you’re probably happier and healthier for! Wear it like a badge of honor, because there are people out there, including myself, who will always pass up the “never married” for the more seasoned divorcées.

How to Fight and Stay Together

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

When you’re in a long-term relationship, fighting with your partner is inevitable. Whether it’s a small one about laundry or big, reoccurring one about money, every couple fights.

relationship difficulties: young couple having a fightBut there are healthy ways to argue with your partner that may actually lead to stronger bonds. Then, there are also unhealthy ways to argue that will damage the relationship and may lead to the end.

After all is said and done after a fight with your partner, it’s hard to not think about the words you should’ve said, or worse, the words you shouldn’t have said. But what makes some couples survive after blowout arguments and some break up? A new study found, the key to fighting with your partner is not in what you said or should not have said, but how you approach the conflict.

In a 14-year study of 79 married couples from the Midwest, John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and University of California, Berkeley psychologist, Robert Levensen explored the predictability of divorce in early and later marriages. While 21 couples ended up divorcing over the course of their study, Gottman and Levensen noticed some key behaviors among couples who fought but managed to stay together in the end. Here’s what they found:

They Tackled Their Problems Immediately

Couples who ended up splitting took a lot longer to address arguments than couples who stayed together. In fact, those who separated let their partners “stew” for hours or days post-fight, while those who stayed together addressed their conflict immediately. As Gotten told Business Insider, think of it like you and your partner are in a boat. The emotions and feelings from your fight represent the sea. While a small argument “stirs the waters a bit and gets the boat rocking,” quickly stabilizing the boat via an open discussion can easily bring you back to smooth sailing. Furthermore, stalling can only strengthen the waves, thus causing bigger problems.
This actually keeps in line with a study published last year in the Journal of Counseling Psychology. In a study of 145 couples who received conflict management training, those who immediately addressed their conflict felt happier in their relationships in the long run than those who didn’t receive any sort of training.

They Allowed Each Other To Be Heard

Young woman crying while husband soothing her.Among those couples who got divorced, it was found that frequently cutting each other off during arguments were a common occurrence. In many cases, partners would throw out unhelpful or insensitive comments, which only served to make matters worse. Couples who were identified as “strong” on the other hand, approached the situation with an open mind. Most importantly, they took responsibility for their actions and listened to their partners.

n a 16-year study of 373 married couples published in 2010 in the Journal of Marriage and Family, it was found that when both partners “engaged positively during an argument” they were less likely to divorce than couples who didn’t have positive engagement or only had one partner put in any effort.

Generally, fights can be hard on a couple. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to do what you can to minimize damage. If you want to successfully come out of a fight stronger than ever, do what the couples in the study did. Tackle your problems immediately, keep an open mind, and make sure to listen to what they have to say. Don’t try to make yourself the “winner.” Because, let’s face it, when you’re fighting with your partner, there are no winners.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

In Denial About Your Relationship?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

A relationship is a lot like a car. When it’s new, we treat it like the most precious and exciting thing in the world.

We would never dream of leaving garbage lying around inside or neglecting it in any way. We wash it frequently and make sure to keep up on the maintenance.

However, over time complacency sets in and the car/relationship does not bring as much excitement as it did in the beginning. We begin caring less about the cleanliness and may slack on the care we once diligently showed the car.

When brand new, a car (and relationship for that matter) is unlikely to show signs of problems. You don’t often hear of a new car having the check engine light come on unless the car has more miles on it. How many of us groan when we see that light on? If the car is still running and sounds OK, it is easy to avoid getting it into a mechanic to check it out.

It comes down to this: Sometimes it seems easier to avoid problems if things seem “fine” rather than tackling them and dealing with them right away.

This may seem like the easier option in the beginning; however, what happens when we avoid that check engine light? If there is a serious problem and we keep driving the car, we can make it worse. The same goes for relationships. The longer we avoid issues, the more likely it is that the damage is going to be worse over time — sometimes to the point that things are irreparable.

Often by the time a couple gets into therapy, their relationship is already at the point of practically falling apart. For the couple that has avoided their problems for years, by the time they get to the couch in my office, one or both has already given up on the relationship. The relationship is ready to crumble and is hanging by a thread. It takes a great deal of effort from each party in order to repair the damage. Sometimes the damage is too much, and in spite of their best efforts, relationships fall apart.

Please know I am not trying to suggest that there is zero chance for a couple who has experienced avoidance over a long period of time to save their marriage. Yes, it is possible and I’ve seen it happen, but only through very hard work from both parties, as well as a willingness for each person to take a good, hard look at him or herself. But wouldn’t it be nice to be aware of the pitfalls of avoidance so you can prevent the damage in the first place?

Acknowledge the check engine light

To tackle this issue of avoidance, we must first understand denial. Denial is tricky. It can be a friend or a foe. Denial is the brain’s way of defending itself. This is helpful and adaptive for situations in which we need to titrate information because taking it all at once would overwhelm the system. For example, a person who experiences a significant loss may need to be in denial for a while until the brain is ready to process what has happened. When denial is adaptive, the brain eventually processes all the pieces of an overwhelming incident (in fragments) and is able, at some point, to acknowledge what has happened.

However, sometimes we get a little too comfortable with denial, particularly in relationships. This presents in various ways. Sometimes they present in subtle ways and some are more difficult and emotionally charged. Some common issues people avoid bringing up include:

  • Finding yourself bored in your relationship.
  • Losing touch with your partner emotionally, sexually and mentally.
  • Changing over time and feeling that you and your partner are no longer on the same wavelength.
  • Not wanting to cause conflict.
  • No longer finding your partner attractive.
  • Thinking “the grass may be greener” somewhere else.
  • No longer having as much energy for the relationship.

It’s never comfortable to acknowledge that these issues are going on, but the only way to prevent further damage from occurring is to face them.

Be prepared for feedback and practice listening

If you want your relationship to be happy and healthy, it’s going to take work. Yes, relationships can be fun and exciting, particularly in the beginning “honeymoon phase.” But even the most compatible people are going to find that they have to work to help their relationship grow over time and to survive the long haul.

Too often, there is an ideal that we are supposed to meet someone, fall in love, and all pieces are supposed to fall together like some sort of fairytale. This is definitely not reality. Your partner is going to bother you from time to time and you are going to bother them. You may find that you get bored at times with the monotony of day-to-day life. Each of you may be tired and just trying to make it through the daily grind. These are all normal issues and all can be worked through.

But be prepared to listen to each other, and own your part in each issue. Work on not being defensive by tracking yourself closely. Pay attention to your urges and try to keep your breathing even and consistent before you respond. It’s OK to take breaks during this process. Not everything is going to be solved in one sitting.

Be consistent

Doing this once and then falling back into the same old habits is just not going to cut it. If you want a relationship that is strong and can stand the test of time, both parties must commit to consistently taking inventory of the relationship, their part in all issues, and working through them. The good news: The more you do this, the less uncomfortable it gets.

Just like a car, the better you care for your relationship, the better it will be to you and the happier you will both be in the long run.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Have a Sex Talk During Sex. Could You Do It?

by zfortadminin SEX TIPS

Getting comfortable with communicating about sex may translate to benefits in the bedroom — especially if the lines of communication are open during the act.

New research finds that comfort with sexual communication is directly linked to sexual satisfaction. People who are more comfortable talking about sex are also more likely to do so while having sex, the researchers found. Nonetheless, that difference doesn’t fully explain why the sexually chatty are happier with their erotic lives.

“Even if you just have a little bit of anxiety about the communication, that affects whether you’re communicating or not, but it also directly affected their satisfaction,” said study researcher Elizabeth Babin, an expert on health communication at Cleveland State University in Ohio.

The anxiety “might be kind of taking them out of the moment and therefore reducing the overall satisfaction they experience during their encounters,” Babin told LiveScience.

Talking about sex

How people talk about sex is an important topic for public health researchers. After all, people who are uncomfortable asking their partners to wear a condom may be at higher risk of having unprotected sex and exposing themselves to sexually transmitted infections. Communication is also key to having enjoyable sexual encounters, Babin said.

But little research has delved into what keeps people from talking about their likes and dislikes while in bed, she said.

“In order to increase communication quality, we need to figure out why people are communicating and why they’re not communicating,” Babin said.

To do so, Babin recruited 207 people, 88 from undergraduate classes and 119 from online sites, to complete surveys about their apprehension about sexual communication, their sexual satisfaction and the amount of non-verbal and verbal communication they felt they enacted during sex. For example, participants were asked how much they agreed with statements such as, “I feel nervous when I think about talking with my partner about the sexual aspects of our relationship,” and “I feel anxious when I think about telling my partner what I dislike during sex.”

The participants, whose average age was 29, also responded to questions about their sexual self-esteem, such as how good a partner they felt they were and how confident they were in their sexual skills.

Communication without words

The surveys revealed that apprehension in talking about sex can spoil one’s sexual enjoyment, with that anxiety linked both to less communication in bed and less satisfaction overall. Unsurprisingly, less sexual communication apprehension and higher sexual self-esteem were both associated with more communication during sex.

Communication during sex, in turn, was linked to more sexual satisfaction. Nonverbal communication was more closely linked to satisfaction than verbal communication, Babin reported online in August in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Nonverbal cues may seem safer, Babin said.

“It could be perceived as being less threatening, so it might be easier to moan or to move in a certain way to communicate that I’m enjoying the sexual encounter than to say, ‘Hey, this feels really good, I like that,'” Babin said. “That might seem too direct for some people.”

Babin next plans to research couples to get both sides of the story and to find out how couples’ communication styles mesh with their sexual satisfaction. The end goal, she said, is to give therapists and sex educators tools to help them teach people how to talk about sex more openly with their partners.

Sexual communication “is a skill,” Babin said. “And we’re not all well-trained in that skill.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The Exclusive Talk… How and When to Have It

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

But it all took a turn when me and my friends went to the bathroom to fix our faces and they started getting in my ear about how strange it was that he and I weren’t official yet, and what a bad sign that was.

The first time I had “the talk” turned into more of a ridiculous display of exactly what not to do. I was in college and had been seeing this guy for a little over a month and had never felt so strongly for someone else, ever. We spent a ton of time together and I figured we were heading toward being “official” but it wasn’t a pressing matter on my mind, it just lingered in the depths.

That all changed one night when I introduced him to my friends for the first time. The night started out great, we had some drinks and went to a bar with some of his friends. But it all took a turn when me and my friends went to the bathroom to fix our faces and they started getting in my ear about how strange it was that he and I weren’t official yet, and what a bad sign that was. In addition to a fresh coat of powder and gloss, I left the bathroom with a giant chip on my shoulder.

Later that night, fueled by tequila and insecurity, I absolutely needed to know the status of our relationship, like right this second. As soon as he and I were alone back at his place, the tsunami brewing in my head all night came rushing forth, catching my guy completely off guard. In the end, I had no title and a severe lacking in dignity (those got washed away by a flood of drunk tears…the absolute worst kind of tears).

The relationship trudged on for some time, but the dynamic had completely changed. From then on he always felt out of my reach. I wanted to be official and he wasn’t ready. The terms of the relationship became entirely his to dictate and I anxiously waited for him to pick me, while I tried to prove that I was good enough and worthy of being his girlfriend.

Okay, so now that you’ve seen an illustration of what not to do, let’s get concrete and talk about the right way to have the relationship-defining talk.

1. Try not to have it.

That’s right, the best way to have the talk is to not! Relationships work best when you can just live in the moment and let things unfold naturally, without pressure or an agenda.

If it’s a good relationship, if you connect and genuinely get and appreciate each other, then it will just happen. And you won’t even feel that anxiety that comes from not knowing. When a guy likes you and wants to be with you, he’ll make sure you know it!

At the same time, be mindful to not act too much like his girlfriend before you actually are (this is one major mistake I made) and continue being a confident, independent woman who loves her life and doesn’t need a relationship to fill some sort of void.

2. Give it some time.

I would say wait about two to three months before getting into the title talk.

Relationships take time to develop. At first you’re just getting to know each other and seeing how well you work as a unit. The relationship I described was moving at warped speed, but even still, a month isn’t all that long.

Don’t let other people tell you how your relationship should or shouldn’t be. Every relationship is a unique experience and moves at a different rate. However, I’d say three months is a pretty universal expiration date for feeling things out. By that point, you should have an idea of where things are headed.

3. Be clear on what you want before you go in.

In my case, I wanted a committed relationship and instead settled for something that made me feel inadequate and kind of pathetic. And because I wasn’t fully clear on what I wanted, and what I would and would not settle for, I convinced myself that this non-relationship would suffice.

Before having the talk, or even getting serious with a guy you’re dating, decide what it is you really, truly want. When you recognize and admit what it is you want, you will be better able to move towards it. It is only when you’re confused and unsure that you settle for things you don’t want.
The truth is, most of the time you know what you want, you’re just afraid to admit it. Remember, you deserve to have the relationship you want and do not need to settle for the scraps someone else is willing to spare.

If what you want is a monogamous, committed relationship then there’s no shame it admitting that! Take a few days or even weeks to get clear on exactly what you want from a relationship. Let this information penetrate your being and embolden you. When you are solid in your convictions you will be able to come from a place of confidence and high self-worth, which ultimately sets the foundation for you to get what it is you want.

4. Don’t do it when you’re drunk or in an overly emotional state.

I think my story attests to this one pretty well! The fact is, men typically do not respond well when a woman is coming at them from a place of emotion. They are much more logical and pragmatic in how they approach life and problems and are much more receptive when a woman comes to them from a place of strength and reason, as opposed to a crumbling emotional mess.

If you approach him when you’re feeling especially upset or unsettled about the situation, he won’t take what you say as seriously. Instead, he might dismiss you as a typical woman being overly emotional (or worse, ask you if you’re PMS-ing).

So if you must have the talk, make sure to do it when you are strong, clear-headed, and know exactly what it is you want. Don’t let your emotions consume you; be logical and straightforward. I’m not saying emotions are a bad thing, we’re women and our capacity to feel and express our emotions is also our greatest strength, but it’s just important to remember that men aren’t wired the same way and in some instances, coming from a place to strong emotion can cause your message to get lost in translation so it’s better to speak in a language he is better equipped to understand.

You should also mentally prepare yourself if you don’t get the response you want. If he says he doesn’t want to be official what will you do? Will you stay and wait it out? Walk away? Spend some time really considering the answers to these questions.

5. Do it casually.

Do not open with the dreaded “we need to talk” line. Nothing sends chills up a guy’s spine faster than those four little words and he might immediately go on the defensive, or just shut down and withdraw.

Instead, just casually say something like, “You know, for the past few months I feel like you’ve been acting like my boyfriend, is that fair to assume?” Or ask if you could introduce him to your friends as your boyfriend. When it comes to these things, it’s best to just take a casual, light-hearted approach. If he really likes you, he will happily put a label on it. If he’s iffy or on the fence, he’ll stall or come up with excuses. Again, just make sure you don’t come at him from a needy or desperate place. Be a confident woman who knows she deserves an amazing, fulfilling relationship and isn’t afraid to pursue that…or walk away if a situation isn’t what she wants.

Also, this talk can only be had in person. Don’t do it via text, G-chat, or even over the phone.

6. Hear him out.

So you’ve done everything mentioned above. You approached him in a confident, direct manner and conveyed to him in your own way that you want the relationship to be official. Now it’s his turn. Let him speak and express what’s on his mind and be open to hearing his point of view, even if it’s counter to your own or isn’t what you were hoping to hear.

Don’t blame or attack him for feeling the way he does, just acknowledge what he’s saying and tell him you understand where he’s coming from (and try to do this genuinely). If you start arguing or debating the matter it means you’re pushing him farther than he’s willing to go in the relationship at this point. And if he starts to feel attacked or blamed, he’ll shut down and will be even less likely to want to make it official.

In my situation, I heard what my guy was saying and his reasoning (basically it was that he had been burned by the girl he dated right before me and needed to go slow), but I didn’t take the time to really understand where he was coming from. Instead, I came from a selfish place and let my ego get way too involved. I didn’t consider his hurt or his pain, only my own and what it said about me that he didn’t want to be my official boyfriend.

I’m not saying you should agree with what your guy’s reasons for not wanting to be official, but it is important to at least try to understand it and have an open mind.
—

There you have it, the top tips for having the talk and getting the relationship you want. I know it’s scary, but think of it this way, either you’ll get what you want or you won’t, which isn’t as fun but at least it will free you up for a guy who is on the same page.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The Married Millennial – Are We Too Young?

by RJ Newellin LOVE

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different.

I got married at 21. By today’s standards, that makes me a unicorn.

When I show up with a new tattoo, nobody bats an eye. But the second I say I’m married? I might as well have joined a cult.

“How old are you, again?” my yoga teacher asked.

I answered honestly. “I’m 21.”

Her face must have gone through fifty shades of pity. “Are you sure?”

In our early twenties, we are expected to make adult decisions. Finishing college, choosing our careers, voting in elections – these are not tasks for children. As an adult, I’m allowed to make choices for myself. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

If we can smoke cigarettes in our twenties (risking cancer), own a credit card (and a lifetime of student loan debt), or joining the military (at 18, mind you) – why is marriage such a scary concept to us?

Traditional marriage goes against what many of us have come to know.

“How long have you been together? Because when I was in my twenties…”

This is a trick question. It doesn’t matter how long we have been together – her mind is made up that I am too young. Her conclusion is probably drawn from her own experiences at 21 – and that’s not a bad thing.

A year before, I would have agreed with her. I’ve had every reason to not believe in marriage. My experiences with long-term relationships began much younger than most, and nearly all of them ended in heartbreak. I know what it’s like to think you’ll spend forever with someone, only to leave – or be left. My own parents divorced. My friends’ parents divorced. I’ve been to more divorce dinners than actual weddings…and that’s because I don’t like weddings.

Before my husband came along, I swore off the possibility of long-term relationships completely. Monogamy was a lie. Marriage was an outdated system. Why would a strong, career-minded feminist like myself willingly give herself legally to another person?

I argued this point whenever marriage was mentioned. I questioning my friends’ life choices and cut my own relationships short when things got too serious. I was content to spend the rest of my life as a happily single woman. Now, here I am, with a ring on my finger.

Is it scary? Yes. Do I question my decision? No.

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different. I can’t predict the next ten, twenty, thirty years. But no matter how my life turns out, I will be grateful for having shared it with him.

Nobody can predict the future, and that’s what makes marriage so huge.

I know a couple that dated for ten years before getting married. They divorced after one year. I also know a couple that got married six months after they met. They’ve been married for thirty years, and counting.

There is no guarantee that any relationship will survive. Our generation has been raised to value reward over risk. We want results, now. To many of us, marriage just sounds like a really expensive mistake. It’s easier to live together and have children together, without the hassle of expensive paperwork.

“Why invest in a marriage when you can have all the perks without it?” asked basically everyone.

As soon as our engagement announcement went live on social media, my inbox overflowed with congratulations…and concern.

“Have you been with him long enough to be sure?”

“Does this mean you giving up your career?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“I know it’s not my business, but…”

Sixty years ago, getting married in your twenties was totally normal. But then again, more of us had stable jobs in those days. People weren’t as afraid of the future then as we are now.

Nobody knows where – or who – we’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years. For many, this is why being “tied down” to any one person is terrifying. But for some, this is all the more reason to commit to something – or someone.

We’ve now been married for one year. So far, so good. We know that marriage is hard work. And it’s more than likely that we won’t be the same people in ten years. That’s not a bad thing. It means we’re growing – and hopefully, we’ll grow together.

Maybe you are also in your twenties, and you were hoping this article might help you decide whether to get married or not. My question for you, is – why?

Do your life choices reflect what you want, or what other people want? This applies to everything, not just marriage. Self-sabotage occurs by comparing ourselves to others and waiting for outer validation.

When my lover got down on one knee, he didn’t say, “Hey, friends and family, should she marry me?”

And I didn’t say, “Hold on a second,” and then get out my phone to Google national divorce statistics.

He simply asked, “Will you marry me?”

And I said, “Yes.”

Marriage is a choice between two people, to be made every day for the rest of life. I feel ready, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Love is all that matters. Embrace the way it lives for you.

Are we TOO young?

Sabotaging a Relationship Before It Even Starts

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

…And then something changes, as he either starts to pull away or seem less engaged or the worst one of all, begin to ignore her…

Every girl loves the feeling of meeting someone new; feeling that inevitable spark; exchanging numbers; talking to him everyday as the excitement buds. She connects with him; she feels the proverbial connection; she has fun with him; tells all her friends he might just be ‘the one’… And then something changes, as he either starts to pull away or seem less engaged or the worst one of all, begin to ignore her…

Naturally, the way that men and women go about experiencing and processing relationships is very different. Whereas men tend to live much more in the moment and require more time, women tend to get stuck and wrapped in the tiny details and want to jump right into a relationship.

The truth of the matter is that relationships in fact are really quite simple, but sometimes a girl can drive herself insane trying to figure it all out- often losing sight of what’s really important: the actual relationship in actual time, causing a budding relationship to turn into a non-existing one.

1. Focusing on a “fantasy future”

It always starts off so perfect; the first couple of dates go smoothly and you just can’t help but get excited for the future possibilities this new guy has to offer. We begin to think of where this relationship might go and we create a whole fantasy future. As soon as a girl starts to create this fantasy future, her mind begins to focus on the possibilities making it a problem because they lose sight of the here and now. Girls become obsessed and attached to this fantasy and they can’t help but stress and worry about losing this new man, even though he isn’t something they really had to begin with! And men can sense this overzealous vibe coming off a woman and that is when the push and pull between the two begins. As he senses a girl begin to create this fantasy, the pressure ensues and he begins to back off, causing the women to panic and cling on even tighter. This sort of pressure can be a really big turn off for a man and can turn a promising relationship into a nonexistent one real quick.

So girls, don’t try to plan a wedding when the guy is still only just trying to plan the next date! Give him time to continue to get to know you and for the both of you to develop a stronger bond.

2. Questioning everything

No one likes to waste their time and risk getting their heart broken. Most women fear getting too emotionally invested in a man that will eventually break things off so they begin to wonder where the relationship is going; whereas on the other hand, men like to take it one day at a time, leaving women in a state of wonder and questioning. In these situations, sometimes women think it is best to have the “where are we” conversation only to protect their feelings, leaving the man feeling pressured and in the end, scaring him off. People also often associate pressure with desperation, insecurity and a need for control- all qualities no one is into, right?

So girls, even though it is tempting to ask a man “where are we?” for the sake of our emotional safety from the potential pain of a broken heart and because opening up to someone new is being completely vulnerable and scary, we need to realize that these are only fears and insecurities that can throw off our men. Life is full of risks and a new relationship is only part of the journey so it’s okay to be fearful. It only means that you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in the pursuit of something that will hopefully end up good. Allow the relationship to naturally unfold before you let your fear ruin it!

3. Overanalyzing everything

A lot of women tend to let the thoughts in their head take over and begin to over analyze the man in front of them. Who he is, what his real intentions are, what he’s really about—women look at his behaviours and the things he says and use that as a means to measure how he feels about them. Picking apart text messages, questioning why he’s not responding, questioning what he’s up to, debating what to reply to him, replaying every little detail over and over again, turning nothing into something, and the list goes on. The most attractive woman to a guy is the one who is drama-free, the one who just goes with the flow and the one who doesn’t put so much pressure in the relationship.

The first few stages of a budding romance are the most exciting, and if you’re too wrapped up in playing emotional detective, then you won’t get to actually enjoy it! Just stay confident in yourself and trust that he does like you. And if he doesn’t, then you will find someone better who will! The more you over think and invest your time in worrying about him, the more hurt you will be if the relationship fails for whatever reason.

4. Assuming you’re “official” before actually being official

Sometimes it is very difficult for girls to keep their options open when they find Mr. Nice Guy and can’t picture themselves meeting anyone better. They think that just because they hit it off after a couple of dates, that this guy has every quality they want, and so they begin to act like his girlfriend, when in reality, they are not. Just because things are going great and he talks for hours, does not give a relationship any exclusivity! Truth of the matter is that NO man is going to ever willingly make it official and commit to a girl unless he is absolutely sure of it and wanting it. It is in a man’s natural genetics to not want to be tied down and will only commit himself to that special woman when the time is right.

So stop being over dramatic and paranoid that he’s not into you just because he likes other girl’s Instagram pictures or Snapchats with other girls. Do not make nothing into something! If he’s really into you, he will not have to ever put a doubt in your mind and the budding relationship will eventually flourish into a prosperous one!

5. Acting like your life revolves around him

One last turn-off for men is when a woman starts to spend more and more time with him, but feels as if all of a sudden he is the one and only thing going on in her life. When girls begin to abandon their friends, their hobbies and their other life priorities, men begin to see this as an obsession and again, it places too much pressure on them.

Girls need to remember that the reason this guy felt drawn to them in the first place was probably because of the great life they lived. If she abandons that then that attraction and intrigue fades as well. And giving up all these things for him and expecting him to do the same will only end up in him resenting them for reigning in on his freedom.

Do not ever let a man be the sole source of your happiness and fulfillment. Do not ever stop being the girl you were before you met him. When your man sees that you can balance both him and your other sources of happiness, he will feel that his importance is reduced, and therefore start making YOU more important.

A girl should always allow for things to just happen naturally and embrace the uncertainty. When she just enjoys being with him and makes nothing of it, her vibe will be enjoyable to be around, making him want to continue hanging out with her. But as soon as he feels you’re trying to get something out of him too soon, he will want nothing to do.

Although it is healthy to be transparent in any relationship, especially in the first stages, the true winning strategy is to just always bring your best self into the relationship and not stress over it. As soon as you start, remember that if he is truly the one, then it will work out; and if he’s not, then you’ll be free to move on toward someone that is!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Do I Not Screw Up This Relationship!

by Carlyn Hudsonin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.” 

I spent a lot of time in my early to mid-20s being single. I hung out with my girlfriends like it was my job, focused like crazy on my career, and generally, was selfish AF. I also did a bang-up job of dating people that were far from being right for me (an ex pro skateboarder turned corn maze owner, a divorced father of four, a Jimmy John’s bicycle delivery man and a gaggle of musicians come to mind). Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.”

But something has changed in me in the past year. I shudder to admit this, as I used to be cool and detached (I promise!),  but I finally feel ready for something more. I want to know someone, deeply, and I want to fall so hard that I may not know how to pick up the pieces at the end.

Does that make you want to vomit a little? Okay good, me too.

Here’s the scariest part: I may have actually found a person worth all of that. The first few months of my new relationship have been nothing short of incredible, and for the first time in a really long while I can’t blame any issues on “he’s not right for me,” because I kind of think he is. So now, the biggest question is, how the hell do I not screw this up?

Every single day I’m afraid that I already am, because I always have in the past. I have an aching feeling that it’s too good to be true, that he’ll figure out I’m not as great as he thinks I am, the “real” (aka “bad”) me will come out and run him off, that he’ll realize I’m inherently bad at relationships, or worse, that I’m unlovable.

With that in mind, I did a pretty cool thing last night; I created a problem from nothing. I don’t mean to brag, but, this is an area in which I excel in relationships. I’m kind of amazing at it.

It went down like this. We were drifting off to sleep when I realized we were about to go to bed without having sex, a first for us, and instead of rationalizing that it was a long day, we were exhausted, and ya know, we’re humans and not rabbits, my mind went straight to “He thinks I’m ugly and terrible in bed and he’s already bored of me and OH GOD we’re doomed.”

Naturally, I said something passive agressive, he sensed something was wrong, and I completely shut down. I turned my back to him. I played the “nothing’s wrong, I’m fine” game and pouted quietly until all of sudden I realized what I was doing, and I felt terrible.

Then, a miracle happened. Instead of quietly wallowing in self-loathing, I opened up, and I talked to him. I told him how in past relationships I’d felt rejected in this way and was nervous it’d happen again. I said out loud all of the crazy things in my head, like how I push people away when they get too close, or shut people out when I feel vulnerable, and finally the big one: I’m frightened that I inevitably will or already have screwed this amazing relationship up.

But guess what? Another amazing thing happened. I didn’t scare him away. In fact, he said he felt the same and that he was terrified of ruining everything too.

I hugged him, giddily, and realized in that moment that we’re in this together, and that THIS is how you communicate with a partner. My Goddess! Why had no one told me this before?! You talk these things through *in* the moment, before you’re already distant, or breaking up, and it’s too late.

I know that we still have a long way to go. I have a great deal to learn about being a partner, and communicating, and some long-term relationship veterans may be thinking “But you’re still in the honeymoon phase! Of course it’s going well!” To which I’d say, “That’s right, suckers! It’s awesome.” Trust me, over the course of writing this I’ve already thought of 10 new and innovative ways to push him away, or convince him to run far, far away from me. But there’s one thing I’ve promised this man, and that I’ve made him promise me: If we’re going to screw this up, let it be over something real, and not from being scared.

I’ve spent so much of my adult life building up walls and protecting my heart, and for what? So that I can feel in control? So that I won’t get hurt? Sadly, the only person I’ve hurt in that process is me. I don’t want to hide behind my own bullshit anymore. I want to fall, hard. I want to love, and allow myself to be loved by this person so deeply that no matter what happens, I’ll be forever changed. And you know what? I’m ready.

Long Distance Relationships: Do They Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

…being in a long distance relationship, at least for some amount of time, has become a hallmark of modern dating.

Technology has had a huge impact on how we interact and participate in relationships. This goes double for long distance relationships.

The whole concept of LDRs has taken on new meaning thanks to Skype, FaceTime, and iMessage. To say that these types of relationships are “not what they used to be” would be a major understatement. Being in a long distance relationship for some period of time has become a hallmark of modern dating.

When it comes to long distance dating, there are two prevailing opinions that everyone seems to accept. However, they directly contradict each other.

Opinion 1. Are LDRs risky and destined to fail? Most friends and family will likely tell you this before you ignore them and decide to give it a try anyway.

Opinion 2. Or is there actually some truth behind the old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder?

What does the research say?

As it turns out, recent research is on the side of LDR believers. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Communication set out to challenge the notion that long distance relationships are inherently less fulfilling and less sustainable than their geographically-close counterpart. The authors of the study, Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock, found that this type of partnership can actually form stronger bonds, promote deeper communication, and produce greater intimacy than traditional relationships. The reason for this is that long distance couples work harder to communicate affection and intimacy. They generally appreciate each other’s behaviors and actions more.

If this doesn’t convince you, another, more recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy last year found that there were no major differences in outcome predictors of long distance relationships and regular ones. This study, which asked participants to assess and measure the levels of intimacy, commitment, communication, and sexual satisfaction in their relationship, among other things, concluded that LDRs are not actually at a disadvantage.

There is no denying that dating long distance can be stressful, challenging, and oftentimes lonely. This doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s not worth trying. With the help of modern technology, it seems that LDR couples are finding more ways than ever to feel close to each other The extra effort and planning this requires actually brings greater rewards. Additionally, may people find that they are more independent and have more time to themselves. At the same time, they still enjoy the emotional benefits of being in a relationship.

However, there is a caveat…

One caveat to these studies is translating the extra effort and newfound emotional satisfaction back to a short-distance relationship. For a long-distance relationship to really work, the “long distance” part must come to an end at some point. When this happens, it may require some serious readjustment. And, unfortunately, more couples break up within the first three months living back in the same place than they do while living apart.

According to Jiang, long distance couples “tended to idealize their partners’ behaviors, perceiving them as more likely to share personal thoughts and feelings and more responsive to their own thoughts.” While this is beneficial during the time apart, the enhancement of positive feelings about the relationship might actually create false expectations about how things will be when the couple reunites. As Jiang explains, “[t]he positive illusion goes away when they spend more time together.”

While LDRs can foster healthy behaviors in each individual and promote optimistic feelings about the strength and value of the relationship, these things ultimately need to exist in the relationship whether it’s long distance or not. As Andrew Merolla, an associate professor of communication theory, sees it, the strength of a long distance relationship depends on the strength of the relationship itself. As such, the outcome of either is likely going to depend on the couple’s ability to find a balance — whether that means creating a little more space when there isn’t enough, or working to make every interaction count when there’s too much.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Doing Relationships Right Based on Watching My Parents Do It All Wrong

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

I learned that when you remained calm, you could actually have an intelligent conversation and come to an agreement without ever raising your voice. It was groundbreaking.

When I was 5 years old, my dad was using hard drugs and my mom was cheating on him. I don’t know who earned the title of chicken and who of egg, or which came first, but the end result was the same. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional household where everyone was walking on eggshells. It was clearly an environment ill-suited to the healthy development of young kids.

Thankfully, I was too young to remember a lot of it or I blocked it out. Relatives tell me that I didn’t talk for months at a time as a kid (something that’s hard to believe, since my verbosity has more than made up for it since).

My parents eventually had a reckoning, pledged to clean up their act, and decided to try to save their marriage. While they did, in fact, stay together — and as far as I know, got sober and honest — they continued to fight like cats and dogs. The water under the bridge was at constant high tide, sloshing with resentment and distrust. And my brother and I were the innocent fish caught in the fury. I remember having to put on my headphones and blast Gloria Estefan cassette tapes on my boom box just to stay sane and drown out my parents’ constant bickering.

Growing up, there was not a night that went by in my house without raised voices, tear-stained cheeks, and all-around bad feelings. In fact, after more than three decades of nearly constant battling, it’s almost a miracle that my parents are still together. I say “almost,” because it’s possible it would have been better for everyone if they had split.

I know my story isn’t unique. In fact, I personally don’t know anyone who had a “normal” household growing up. Regardless, like many of my peers who survived dysfunctional childhoods, I made a conscious decision the moment I set foot into the adult world at age 18 that I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes my parents made. Of course, like many others, I also went on to make a lot of the same mistakes my parents made. I watched the patterns of dysfunction play out in my dating life throughout my late teens and early 20s, as I picked partners who familiarly reeked of high drama. I set myself up for failure without even realizing I had a choice in the matter.

When I reached my mid-20s and narrowly squeezed out of yet another relationship earmarked by substance abuse and infidelity, I finally caught my breath long enough to realize that I could take control of the situation and shape my own future. I think a part of me knew I had to get these bad experiences under my belt before I could clear the cobwebs enough to realize functionality and happiness were my actual desires for long-term commitment.

Then, I met my now-wife.

I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I WITNESSED WITH MY PARENTS AND REALIZED I HAD BEEN ACTING AS IF I WERE THEM OR SOMEHOW STILL UNDER THEIR SPELL.

From day one, my wife has been a true beacon of normalcy. My love and respect for her was so pure that I knew I had no choice but to get in line and become the partner I was meant to be. Before this relationship, every time tension arose, my default was to erupt in a pile of stinky dysfunction filled with finger-pointing and epithets. But with my wife, I completely changed my conflict patterns and started doing something amazing, instead.

I stopped and allowed myself time to process.

I thought about what I witnessed time and again with my parents and realized I had been acting as if I were them or somehow still under their spell. I told myself that I was my own person. I could rise above this and choose to be the adult in the relationship that I had never observed, but knew in my heart I had always wanted.

So, I did the exact opposite of what I saw my parents do.

I pretended that instead of winning an argument (whatever “winning” means, because there’s really no such thing), my goal was to preserve the sanctity of peace and love between me and this woman I respected the hell out of. I learned that when you remained calm, you could actually have an intelligent conversation and come to an agreement without ever raising your voice. It was groundbreaking.

Every time we resolved a dispute using actual listening and polite words, I felt like I had won the lottery. I could sense myself drifting further and further away from the paradigm that was my parents and the way I thought things had to be.

Over the seven years my wife and I have been together, we’ve raised our voices fewer times than I can count on my hand. That doesn’t mean we’ve repressed issues of importance or ignored problems. It doesn’t mean we’re saints who never face the same problems as every other couple. It just means we make a conscious effort to uphold compassion and respect as our pillars. The rest sort of melts away as less important and we’re able to just talk.

Am I mad at my parents for creating a hostile environment? No. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m grateful my parents showed me exactly what not to do so I could grow up to create the home I had only dreamt of under the drowned sound of yelling and the thump of Gloria Estefan blasting in my ears.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Working Long Hours Really Effects Your Relationship Life

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Apparently, being “married” to your job isn’t actually detrimental to your real marriage — or any romantic relationship for that matter.

No one wants to be working long hours all the time, so when you have to, you might feel a little guilty — for sitting too long, not getting any exercise, and, of course, not spending time with the person you love.

Well, there are ways to minimize the impact of sitting (so it doesn’t kill you — duh), and exercises you can do at your desk, but is there a way to repair the damage caused by long hours to your relationship?

The movies have created a picture in our minds of the hardworking man or woman mesmerized by the glow of the computer screen late at night juxtaposed next to an image of the partner anxiously waiting for that him or her to pull into the driveway.

But a new study published in the journal Human Relations contradicts that trope completely. Apparently, being “married” to your job isn’t actually detrimental to your real marriage — or any romantic relationship for that matter.

A team of researchers out of Switzerland and Germany gave 285 couples online surveys to test the “conventional wisdom [that] long hours at work dry up employees’ romantic relationships at home,” where they answered questions about their relationship and career goals, working hours, and relationship satisfaction.

Their main hypothesis was that “optimization” of one’s personal life — deliberately investing time, attention, and energy into the relationship — is linked to relationship satisfaction.

However, what they actually found was that couples who spent more time apart due to work obligations actually made more of the time they did have together to compensate for the time apart, creating a good balance in the relationship. They also found that career-focused people were more realistic about what they should expect from their personal lives.

When you really think about it, it’s not a huge surprise: When you spend a lot of time with your partner, it becomes much easier to fall into a comfortable routine and more difficult to make the effort to carve out actual quality time. Who needs a real date night when you just Netflix and chill every night anyway?

Regardless, it’s probably still important to not kill yourself with overtime at the office. After all, many past reports have shown that employees who take time for themselves to recharge — even taking a vacation! — wind up drastically outperforming those who live at their desks.

So find out if you’ve been overworking yourself and take a breather if you need to. But if you’re still set on getting all your work done, and you’re conscious about your relationship (as Shelly Bullard would put it), you can have a little faith that your significant other will still be there for you when you get home.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article