What Losing 14 Pounds In 8 Weeks Taught Me About Self-Love

I didn’t have a problem with food, I had a problem with myself.

A few months ago I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw.

I tugged and pulled at my skin. I found new stretch marks emerging in new places. I cried a lot and more than anything because I started hating myself. I started hating my body, hating who I became, hating everything in my life. I became miserable and I let it completely consume and destroy me.

I had gained 14 pounds in under a year. In that year I stopped exercising and I stopped caring about what I was eating, and that lead me to stop caring about most things in general.

I became the unhappiest I’ve ever been and I knew I couldn’t keep living like this. I decided it was time to drastically change my life.

It became an obsession.

I signed up for an eight-week challenge and I started spending an hour and a half to two hours in the gym each day. I started turning down foods and going to eat with my friends.

I started getting excited every time I saw the number on the scale drop and I started standing on that scale several times each day. It became an obsession. In eight weeks I lost all the weight I gained and was back down to where I usually was.

Then I quit.

I wasn’t me.

I quit because I still wasn’t happy. I was saying no to things I wanted to say yes to. I was cranky and miserable. I didn’t go out with my friends, I’d turn down going to eat because I didn’t want to be faced with temptations.

I started weighing my chicken and drinking protein shakes religiously.  I started counting calories like it was no one’s business.

I wasn’t me.

I wasn’t happy, even when those 14 pounds were gone.

I went from one extreme to the other. I went from eating everything to eating restrictively. I went from miserable to a new form of miserable.

And that’s when it hit me. I spent all that time hating myself and for what?

Losing those 14 pounds didn’t make me happier.

Sure, I felt good every time I stepped on the scale, but I felt bad every time I mentally fought with myself over what to eat for dinner because nothing sounded good.

It felt good when I saw my rolls shrink, but it didn’t feel good when all my friends went out and I stayed home because I didn’t want to risk consuming extra calories.

I can’t hate myself into someone I love.

At the end of those eight weeks plus or minus those 14 pounds the same people still loved me.

No one loved me any more or less because the weight I gained or lost. They loved me and enjoyed me no matter how much the number on the scale reads.

They love me for who I am beneath my skin, my fat and my muscle.

It was important for me to realize that the only love I could change with my habits was my love for my own body.

I couldn’t hate myself into someone I loved – it doesn’t work that way.

I am still the same person I always have been. I am still me, and weight gain and loss doesn’t change that.

But finding a happy medium changes that. I stopped counting calories and started living. I stay active but not restrictive and now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

Life is all about balance and that balance is key to help you live your best life, whatever that means for you.

If you liked this piece, we think you’ll also enjoy this story about loving yourself after extreme weight loss.

My Journey Toward Loving Myself at Any Weight

The highest weight I’ve ever been is something I never care to revisit—however, I’ve learned to love my body image no matter what the number is on the scale.

I’ve been just over 300 pounds and just under 200 pounds and everything in between. As I’ve journeyed in between those 100 pounds, I’ve learned a lot about myself.

Most importantly, I’ve learned to love myself no matter what the number says on the scale. There are days I struggle (and I mean truly struggle!) with appreciating me for me, but I know as long as I’m healthy that’s all that matters.

Here is just a brief glimpse into my journey with the scale.

I spent my childhood getting stuck in Lane Bryant dresses. In grade school, the boys in my class used to make fun of me that my butt wouldn’t fit on the small, child-sized seats. My seventh grade bathing suit consisted of a leopard print one-piece with a bust minimizer purchased from the Macy’s plus-sized women’s department—not exactly something a 12-year-old would be happy about.

I vividly remember one particularly snowy October my soccer team was losing by one goal. My coach chose to put me in as goalie and the other team’s girls were teasing me relentlessly saying “You’re putting HER in goal?” Thank God that time, my uncoordinated self blocked a kick and we made it downfield to win.

However, there was still high school when I wore size 30 tapered khakis for our school uniform instead of the flared versions most of my friends had. I rocked gold lamé pants and red velvet ones too. Both were from Lane Bryant before they started selling trendier clothes.

My freshman year of college, I decided not to walk about a mile to the grocery store with this guy I had a crush on. Every time we all took a trip to the mall, I longed to try out a Victoria’s Secret bra. Too bad most clothing manufacturers don’t understand that while you may have a large band size, cup size isn’t necessarily always large!

Years later, you know those little pictures that pop up on the side of your Facebook page? I used to hate them. I never used to like those pictures because people would see them and immediately say, “Wow you lost so much weight! How did you do it?”

curvy woman working out

Anyway, the whole weight loss thing started off as sort of an accident then grew to something a little more inspiring. When I started my freshman year of college, I automatically began walking more and the weight began to slowly come off. However, I still prided myself on never setting foot in my university’s fitness center. I was stubborn and always told my friends I was fine with being the biggest among us, or perhaps dating a guy who weighed less than me.

My senior year when the girls I lived with were giving me trouble, I began taking long walks to clear my head. Pounds began shedding a little more easily and I was hooked on the results.

This brings me into all my fat girl neuroses. I had always had a thing about going to gyms. I used to think everyone would be staring at the fat girl walking into the gym, wondering why she was there. That’s why I invested in two DVDs by the great Richard Simmons.

I kept this a secret for many weeks from my friends, but they found out quite easily. Let’s just say being friends with two boys really gives you a thick skin. It became such an ongoing joke that one of them sent me an “I party with Richard Simmons” t-shirt.

All that chorus line kicking and self-loving Richard professed in Sweatin’ to the Oldies did have its advantages though. I got down to a size 20 without even setting foot in my apartment building’s tiny overcrowded gym. This was accompanied with getting off the bus earlier and walking a few extra blocks to work and taking the stairs to my seventh floor apartment.

The other neurosis I had (and still have occasionally) involves going out to eat with friends. I would freak out if one male friend preferred a salad to French fries with his burger and constantly worried I’d be seen as “fry girl”—you know, the stereotypical fat girl munching on fries to no avail.

At one point, I only ate half of a cheeseburger I was so scared I looked bad. Now, I realize how incredibly ridiculous I was and I now know one cupcake here and there won’t hurt.  Sometimes, you just have to give in to your cravings.

Then one night, I did it. I couldn’t believe I worked up the nerve to walk downstairs. My old building had a gym in the basement and I don’t know what possessed me to go downstairs but I did. I sat on the exercise bike and made it all of 20 minutes before stopping. I cranked up my iPod and tried my darnedest not to let even one thought about the other people in the gym get to me.

As much as I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue, I knew I had to do it. Pretty soon, I was not only walking on the treadmill but navigating the elliptical and Stairmaster too. I moved apartments the following winter and I soon became a regular at my new building’s downstairs fitness center.

curvy woman running

My lunches I packed for work got lighter and I became a fan of things I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be eating—Greek yogurt, fresh fruit, granola. The crazy thing is, I found that I actually liked those foods. You also won’t believe it but it’s not that hard to not want to go back to greasy foods like pizza (although I definitely splurge a lot of weekends).

The first spring I was at my new building, I began jogging outside. My friends were shocked that I was exerting myself while on display to the thousands of people on my busy street.

You know what’s the crazy part? How all the women’s magazines I’m obsessed with, all the trainers and athletes, they’re all actually right about something—jogging is a huge stress reliever for me. The most I’ve ever jogged at once is about four miles but the decisions I’ve made, anger I’ve lessened and happiness I’ve achieved while pounding the pavement is countless.

I’ve always been a big lover of holidays and celebrations so naturally I had mini-celebrations with myself during all my weight loss milestones. When I lost 50 lbs, I celebrated with a slice of Cheesecake Factory cheesecake. When my size hit the teens, it was a shopping spree at the nearby Gap.

But story didn’t end here either.

Crunch Gym opened up a franchise near my apartment and I became intrigued and instantly had to join.

There was this one class, “The Athlete’s Workout,” that I took one evening. It was a warm and humid day outside and the instructor chose to take the class outdoors. My instinct told me to run far away from the situation but I told myself no.

An hour later, I’d run suicides, did Army crawls and did enough lunges that my legs felt like Jello. With dirt on my cheeks and my messy ponytail becoming undone, I practically skipped the three blocks home.

I remember wishing my grade school and high school teachers could see me now. Decades ago, I was the kid who walked the mile run, or continually moved to the back of the kickball line so I didn’t have to take a turn. Occasionally, I’d hide behind the church convent to avoid running.

Just over 10 years later, I’ve gained back some of the weight I’ve lost. I’m still proud to say I’m 60 pounds lighter than I was in high school. As a freelance writer and piano teacher to 22 kids and two adults and caring for a very needy English bulldog, life is busier than it was when I was working at a newspaper. I still try to get to my apartment’s gym three or four days per week and we have a gorgeous trail right near our apartment that I love to walk and jog on in the spring and summer.

My food choices have their good and bad days, but I know that it’s important that I am healthy. I know my “numbers” as the doctors say, and while I’ll always have to be careful, I know that I am doing okay. I’ll never be a size 2. Honestly, at 5’11” that wouldn’t look all that natural anyway!

My relationship with my weight will always be a struggle. I still think about most food that goes into my mouth and weigh myself often, if only to keep myself in line. It’s absolutely pivotal to remember that I am still the same person inside as I always was, no matter what the scale says. I’m still obsessed with chick lit novels and romantic comedies. I love entertaining friends at my apartment and hosting parties that revolve around the holidays.

I’ve finally realized what’s five or 10 lbs. gained or lost here and there? As long as I am healthy and happy that’s all that matters. Writing about my weight loss so personally for the first time has definitely opened up my eyes to what I’ve accomplished and the fact that I should be excited about what I’ve done. If anything I’ve become so much more active than I was at 16 and 17, even 21. Why hide something that I should be proud of, right? Oh and those gold lamé pants? I can fit my whole self in one pant leg now.

Interested in reading more about self love? Check out this piece from 2016 on how you can achieve self love faster than you think. If you want to join us in more positive and affirming wellness information, join LOVE TV

How Goals For My Best Wedding Body Happily Didn’t Go As Planned

I struggled with the pressure of getting in shape with a “bride body” for my wedding, eventually I shifted my focus.

When I first got engaged, I was determined to get in great shape. I was all about “sweating for the wedding” and was ready to “squat before tying the knot.”

I’m already a regular gym-goer, but I thought my wedding was a good excuse to tone up my arms, get some abs, and lose a few pounds. Plus, I really wanted those beautiful, magical, perfect wedding photos where I would look toned, fit, and like I just stepped out of a magical fantasy land of unicorns and glitter.

I mean, that’s “the dream,” right?

But as time passed and I got busy with wedding planning, something weird started happening. I found that lots of people were asking me about whether or not I was doing a new workout regimen before the wedding.

Now, these weren’t friends who I’d talked to about my plan to get in shape. These were mostly acquaintances, distant family members, and Uber drivers. I would mention that I’d just gotten engaged and they’d ask questions like whether I had colors picked out, where we were honeymooning, and if I was on a special diet in preparation for the big day.

Then I started seeing the ads. Pop-ups for weight loss tips showed up on wedding websites and ads to get a “bride body” snuck into my Instagram feed. I suddenly felt a lot of pressure to have a wedding weight loss plan, and that took the fun right out of my goal.

I mean, I’m all for brides supporting brides, sharing tips and comparing notes, but this was different. It seemed like I was expected to lose weight for the wedding, or better yet, like I was expected to want to lose weight.

Then a personal challenge became a personal hell.

bridal body bride body bridal workout

A fun personal challenge to get healthier and score some great pics quickly turned into a stressful situation that made me question my body and even feel a little self-conscious. I was having none of it.

So, I tried to ignore the dieting and weight loss voices in the wedding world for a while and I focused on the aspects of wedding planning that I really liked.

So far, one of my favorite parts of being engaged has been collecting old pictures of my fiancé and I for framed decorations at the wedding. Because my future husband and I have been together for nearly a decade, there’s a lot of photos to go through and it’s been a lot of fun.

I’ll look back and fondly remember that summer I got pink streaks in my hair or laugh at the time I was so sunburnt that my arms were red for a month. I’ll smile when I find pics of my fiancé wearing his old favorite jacket and my heart will melt when I find silly photo booth pictures we took during college. I love seeing us at different points in our lives, literally a snapshot of that time in our relationship.

This made me think of the photos that will be taken at our wedding: capturing our faces as we say our vows during the ceremony and forever immortalizing our awesome dance moves at the reception. Those photos will document us as we are now, on the year we’re getting married. And I really like that.

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered why I even wanted to lose weight for the wedding in the first place. I mean, sure, it’s a big event and I wanted to look good, but I couldn’t help wondering if my size really mattered.

Why do we need to be that skinny?

beautiful bride kissing tenderly handsome man

I’ve seen so many friends get married in the past few years (it’s that time in my mid-twenties where I’m going to weddings every other weekend) and I’ve seen a lot of brides get really thin for their weddings. I want to celebrate women who accomplish their goals, but there’s so much pressure to be skinny that some women I know ended up going on crash diets right before the big day, which isn’t healthy.

Or, even when my friends have lost weight the right way, they ended up getting discouraged when they gained it back. A big part a new regimen is keeping up the lifestyle, and if your goal is to look good for a wedding, when the day is over, it’s easy to go back to old habits.

While seeing a higher number on the scale shouldn’t be that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, gaining weight back after working really hard at the gym can be really disheartening, and I didn’t want to go through that.

At first, I told myself that I wouldn’t make those mistakes. I’d lose weight the right way, get super healthy, work out every day, and forever look like I just got off the set of a NordicTrack commercial. Hashtag: new marriage, new me.

But honestly… that doesn’t sound like something I’d do. It’s not like I have really unhealthy habits right now that need to be changed. I’m realistic with my lifestyle, I have a good balance when it comes to nutrition and exercise, and I like the way I live.

Of course, I think that brides and grooms should be able to do whatever they need to do in order to feel confident and happy on their wedding. If that includes dropping a few pounds, I say: more power to ya. But there’s so much pressure (especially on brides) to look great on their wedding day and to have those amazing pictures, and I can’t help but think that maybe I didn’t need that.

hipster wedding

For most of those old photos of my fiancé and I, I didn’t try to look extra beautiful and I wasn’t on a special diet. I was just being me, and I think that’s part of why I like them.

Some of my favorite photos are the ones where we’re screaming on a roller coaster or wiping ice cream on each others’ faces. I like the ones where we’re just being us, maybe not even knowing (or caring) that a photo is being taken.

Some of the best pictures are ones where I don’t even look good, maybe it was taken at a weird angle or I’m making a funny face, but it’s a photo of us laughing and having fun, and that’s what makes it special.

And sure, maybe without the awesome workouts and dieting I won’t look truly “perfect” on my wedding day. Maybe I won’t look like I just stepped out of a magical fantasy land with unicorns, but I want to look back on my wedding pictures and see the people my fiancé and I are today. Not perfect, not glamorous, but definitely “us.”

I’ll show off what I have, extra few pounds and all, and be excited to look back on all those imperfect, but wonderful, photos.

If you liked this story then we would love to have you as a member of LOVE TV. Join here!