Falling in Love Archives - Page 2 of 2

Love On the Brain? Here is Why You Feel That Way…

April 10, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Love is an inevitable part of the human experience, and ironically, the least understood.

Love on the brain? Ever since the beginning of time, we have been trying to understand what this all-consuming, life-changing feeling is all about. But we haven’t reached satisfactory answers, or a definition of love that everyone can agree on. One thing we all agree on, though, is that love comes from the heart, right? Think again, because this tenet has been proven wrong.

Dr. Helen Fischer, an anthropologist and expert on romantic love, conducted thousands of fMRIs, and found that when one is in love, it is the hypothalamus that gets activated. The hypothalamus is the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions, sleep, hormones and physical expression of emotions. So, that urge you feel to hug, kiss and make love to your partner comes from here. Every time you cuddle or have sex with your partner, your body also releases oxytocin, which is the hormone responsible for attachment. This is how someone comes to be “special” to you.

The hypothalamus is also the pleasure-and-reward centre of the brain. When you’re in love, a large amount of the happy hormone called dopamine is released. This is registered in the hypothalamus as a reward, which kicks off a mechanism similar to addiction. In the presence of the object of your desire, happy hormones are released and you feel great. In their absence, the level of these hormones dips … and you feel like shit. All you want then, is for your lover to come back. Sounds like addiction, right?

According to Dr. Helen Fisher, love has the three characteristics of addiction: tolerance, withdrawal and relapse:

Tolerance means that you want to see more and more of your partner to feel the same level of happiness and satisfaction. You want to go from dinner dates every weekend to mid-week lunches, to nights over, to moving in together.

Withdrawal means that when your partner is not around, you don’t feel good. You feel low, unhappy and crave them.

Relapse is extremely common. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as actually getting back with your partner, but even when you’re reminded of them, you are relapsing.

Have you ever wondered why you feel more energetic and generally healthier when you’re in love? That sparkle in the eyes of those in love isn’t mythical or just a fancy twist of words. Love is a visceral experience, and your body chemistry changes because of it. It is an antidote to illnesses and actually increases one’s lifespan. It makes sense that the pain of losing a loved one is so extreme, and hard to bounce back from. Because just like love, breaking up is also biological.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

I Don’t Know How to Love Men

April 17, 2017January 22, 2024 by Clementine Francesin LOVE

I don’t know how to love men. There. I said it.

I didn’t grow up with a positive male figure. The constant male presence in my life was toxic. So the only men that looked good to me were in the books and the movies and the songs. Now, that I am an adult, well I’ve been for quite some time, I’m still romantically developmentally arrested. I don’t know what to do with men. I don’t think I trust them. They kind of scare me; the ones with conditioning to be dishonest, to abuse, to entitlement, the disposal of women, but not in like a murder-y way, but in “on to the next one” kind of way. But also murder! Rape!

Feminism is a response to the patriarchy aka oppression.

Look, I don’t want to be used. I’m fragile! I can’t keep breaking. I spend every day trying to build myself up. It’s exhausting.

Am I a Lesbian?

Sometimes I think I have no attraction to men. Maybe I’m a lesbian in denial. But, I can’t say that I really like women either. But that could be denial talking. But, sometimes any man that shows me any kindness I think I could love. I have this exterior of “I love no one.” But, any bit of kindness a male shows me I think could be love. But, since it screws with my, “no love for me, please” narrative I shut it down. I was never taught how to love. I didn’t see it growing up. What I saw was poison and I think I’ve been spending my life avoiding poison.

I really do believe I could live the rest of my life without ever being in any kind of relationship. But, it’s tough because I do find people attractive. For nearly a decade I was incredibly infatuated (read: http://www.lovetv.co/the-safety-of-my-unrequited-love/) with a celebrity. I’ve been head over heels for teachers, for co-workers, but no one’s ever reciprocated. But, in hindsight, I’ve noticed I’ve been my own cock blocker. If a guy shows interest I immediately see his shady or charming ways and it turns me off. Or I make sure we stay “just friends” because I’m not into him and I don’t want to be, but I could probably fall for anyone who shows me any kindness, if they’re persistent enough. And that makes me think I’m weak.

Romance, is it Weakness?

I guess to engage in romance equals weakness to me. Or should I say vulnerability? Vulnerability makes one susceptible to pain and if there’s anything in life I want to avoid it’s pain. I’m always in pain. I live between no emotion and a ball of emotions and that is as a lonely woman alone. Loneliness is easier. But is it? The idea of handing my feelings to someone and giving them power to affect me is so daunting. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of girl who could just go through guys, whatever that means, but I also want to hide.

Work In Progress

Maybe I’m like the boys who assume that any woman who gives them attention must want to bang them. But, also I believe no one is interested in me, and that maybe I’m highly unattractive and maybe I’m too mean. They say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else which I don’t think anyone actually follows, but I want it to be true for me. But maybe that’s my way of holding off from moving forward. If I stay in the “work in progress” phase I’ll never have to face anything.

I think if someone I was intensely attracted to asked me out I would say yes. But maybe that’s not true. Sometimes, I want love so much that I think I won’t be able to stand not having it at this very moment, but some days I quiet the want, bury it enough so it doesn’t ruin my day.

I could spend two years, twelve years, or twenty years not doing the love thing in order to avoid discomfort. But, it’s comparable to staying on the bench forever because I’m afraid to get in the game.

Are you in the game? I’m ready to get my head in the game.

Love and Obsession: How to Tell Them Apart and Leave One Behind

May 22, 2017January 22, 2024 by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

I’ve been the target and I’ve been the obsessed and neither of them feel great.

Scenario One: You can’t stop thinking about him. You go to sleep thinking about him and wake up wondering what he’s doing. When you wake up, you already have a message from him saying that he can’t stop thinking about you either.

You’re in new love!

Scenario Two: You can’t stop thinking about him. You go to sleep thinking about him and wake up wondering what he’s doing, and hope you’ll see him soon. You feel like your connection is so strong, you’ve just got to be together. You think you’re in love.

You’re not. You’re obsessed.

Obsession and unrequited love can seem extremely romantic, and are frequently romanticized in works of fiction. Love stories like The Princess Bride, Pretty in Pink, Edward Scissorhands and The Notebook all have love stories that originate in one-sided obsession. In many films, this single-minded pursuit is rewarded by the return of that love. In real life, that could happen, but more frequently it does not.

Music is rife with obsession- in Late Night, Maudlin Street, Morrissey (the OG romantic obsessive) says “I could list the detail of everything you ever wore or said or how you stood”- Stevin Merritt’s The Magnetic Fields lets a girl know that he’s just a fan who remembers every dress she ever wore. Pretty much all Evanescence songs are about obsession or stalking. Look out for fans of that band.

If you’re not loved back, obsession can lead to unhealthy attachment, stalking, or just profound unhappiness as the obsessed person refuses to let go of the object of attachment, perhaps believing that they have no power to do so, and missing out on other possible partners while they are blinded by their pursuit of one. In the circular logic of obsession, the obsessed person will sabotage new relationships to self-fulfill their belief that they can only be happy with the object of their obsession. “SEE, THERE IS NOBODY FOR ME BUT CARLA!”

Real love is much more practical than people think- attraction is magical and capricious, chemical in many ways, but in the day to day, love is something two people make together with words and deeds, because they are attracted to each other and care for each other, and it’s not something you can do with yourself. Like the tango, it takes two. If you say to yourself, “If only they knew how much I loved them…” you can stop right there. You’re not in love, you’re obsessed.

I’m Not Really Obsessed, Am I?

Sometimes the slide from normal crush to unhealthy obsession feels gradual, and you might not even notice- but if you’ve been interested in a person for a while, you’ve made your interest known, and it’s not returned- it’s time to back off and try to leave that idea behind. You’re not in love, because you don’t really know this person. You’re imprinting on some traits you like and filling in everything else with information of your own making. You’re in love with an idea of them, and that person you think you love likely doesn’t exist.

I’ve been the target and I’ve been the obsessed and neither of them feel good. If you know someone cares for you and you don’t feel the same way, you feel pity and guilt and can feel like a failure for not feeling the same way. If you’re obsessed with someone who doesn’t care for you, it feels like you’ll never care for anyone else.

A friend of mine was telling me about going to a wedding of a woman he was obsessed with, and how he thought it was important that he go and support the bride, even though it made him want to collapse as he stood in a room of happy people watching her pledge her eternal love for another man. He spoke about his feelings for her, the length and depth and passion of those feelings, and it would be easy to assume that she was an ex lover, but they had never been anything more than friends. This didn’t keep him from feeling betrayed, from being miserable, and from cutting other dating pursuits short because they failed to measure up to her, his impossible goal.

OK, I’m Obsessed. How Do I Get Out?

You might think that you’re stuck obsessing over someone, because they’re perfect for you and WHY DON’T THEY SEE THAT?, but you control your own mind and thoughts and feelings. You do! You can let go of obsessive thoughts and feelings and make healthier choices. Try the following:

Distance yourself from the object of your obsession, don’t go to places you know they are, don’t stop by their coffeeshop, etc. etc. If you’ve been stalking them on Facebook (which is sort of like an obsession machine in of itself), consider hiding or blocking them until you feel more clarity.
Don’t feed your obsessive thoughts.

Humans love being sad, or feeling sorry for ourselves- it is pleasurable to scratch that itch that makes us miserable. We also love being in love, and sometimes obsessive thoughts can feel like that, you can get a little shot of endorphin thinking about them. What if you see them today? Will they pursue you? Etc. But you do control your thoughts. Your thoughts are made by you. When you start thinking about the object of your obsession, try to let it go. Replace it. Have a thought or phrase handy ready to replace it, like a mantra. It can be something or nothing, it can be a nonsense phrase- just have something ready to reset your unhealthy thought cycle.

Distract yourself- with a new hobby, book, or activity. Go to the gym and concentrate on yourself. Don’t let idle thoughts go to the person.

Think of this as practicing good mental hygiene, keeping your brain clear- you’ll be amazed at how quickly you retrain your brain to stop dwelling on one person- and one day you’ll see them at the Trader Joe’s and be surprised at how ordinary and non-magical they seem! You’ll be more open to meeting people who like you back, and whom you can find something real with.

Falling in Love Onstage: Finding My Lover Through the Magic of Theatre

March 30, 2018January 22, 2024 by Rae Meghanin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I’ve been a performer for my entire life. Now, I’ve met my love thanks to the theatre.

A majority of my friends are involved in the theatre scene, which isn’t especially surprising since I was part of a theatre troupe in high school and studied theatre in New York City. It also isn’t especially surprising that the only people I’ve really dated have been involved in the entertainment world as well.

High school and college was filled with romantic drama surrounding my theatre crushes. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of falling for people that have played my onstage love interests a few times. Onstage chemistry is very important to me, and sometimes those feelings bleed into real life.

Do I always act on it? No. That would be unprofessional. But I have slipped up once or twice.

However, there was one time where it was actually successful. I met my dream man through my “Rocky Horror” shadowcast. Which was, in all honesty, something that I expected would happen since I was a kid. Rocky is incredibly important to me, and there’s no way I could have ever dated someone that didn’t like it.

I met Chris a little after I joined Rocky around last year. We had known of each other in passing at cons and such, but didn’t become friends at first. One of the few times we did talk was via Facebook message, where he gave me advice about how to construct a costume piece. I didn’t think anything of it.

Around the time I joined his cast was when we really became friends. I had a falling out with a few friends, so I turned to him for help getting through the tough time. We ended up quickly becoming best friends, with me staying at his house often and going on adventures constantly. He treated me well, but again, I didn’t think anything of it in a romantic sense.

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Then the on-stage romance began.

A few months into our friendship, I started playing Columbia. He plays Eddie, so it made perfect sense that he would be performing with me in my first show. I was so nervous about the performance, and I couldn’t put my finger on why. Something just felt weird about playing my best friend’s girlfriend. Maybe it was a subconscious thing, who knows.

Cut to a month later, and we’re dating. After a three-show day in late October (our prime season), we realized we had something more to our relationship and took it to the next level.

Now, Chris and I have performed together as Eddie and Columbia with three different casts, traveling as far as Toronto.

It’s an interesting life we have, being two performers who date, not to mention live together. Our life consists of making costume pieces, constantly practicing at home in front of the TV, and me reminding him which days he’s performing (I’ve become almost his Rocky secretary in that sense).

Before every show, we usually get ready at home, me sitting in front of a mirror for an hour trying to cover my eyebrows with a glue stick, and him making sure his beloved leather vest is good to go.

Doing Rocky on tour feels akin to being in a traveling circus, and it can be a very high-strung and energetic environment. For that, I am grateful for Chris. He keeps me grounded through all of the stress of performing, and it’s comforting to know that whenever I feel insecure or nervous on stage, he’s right up there with me.

Even when one of us isn’t performing, the other is usually in the audience showing support. The amount of pride I feel when I’m in the crowd watching him emcee a show is like nothing else, in fact, I usually tend to turn to the person next to me and say something along the lines of “He’s so weird. I’m so proud of him.”

Once the show’s over, and after we’ve had a traditional late night breakfast with our castmates, we usually go home and immediately pass out. We tend to spend the rest of the next day at home, doing chores and watching “Friday the 13th” movies like the homebodies we truly are. It’s important to find balance.

I’m eternally grateful for the life I currently live. I get to write all day, perform all night, and get to do it alongside the love of my life. It honestly everything I could have asked for, and it’s only the beginning. We have plans to travel all around the world to perform, and we hope to continue doing for as long as we possibly can.