Tag: couples advice

Do You Need Couples Therapy or Just a Rest?

by Mike Lousadain RELATIONSHIPS

What is your realization from the past year?

By any standards, 2016 was one hell of a year for most people. Horrors from Syria, the continued threat of terrorism and the geo-political upheavals that we saw have made most of us more on-edge than usual.  I had my own personal battles with professional and personal challenges and issues coming up left, right and centre it seemed.  In the second half of the year I felt more or less constantly bombarded by painful reflections back from others, difficult situations or things demanding that I grow.

It’s not surprising that this took a toll on my relationship with my beloved.  Our stress turned in on ourselves and at some point on one another.  We got into a pattern of criticizing and blaming far more than we would normally do.  Was there something wrong in our relationship?  Had the magic left us?  Are we falling out of connection?  All these things worried us until I had one of those life changing a-ha moments.

I realized that no matter how much we tried to find each other, no matter how conscious we were about our feelings, our stories, our projections, we still ended up going round in self-destructive patterns or creating separation from the other.  It seemed like no amount of conscious relating was going to change the pattern.

And then I got it.  I realized that there wasn’t anything fundamentally wrong in our relationship.  There was something going on at a cellular level in my body.  My nervous system had been under pressure for so long that it was constantly looking for what it perceived might be a threat.  And of course when we start looking, we find something!

I realized that the Fight-Flight part of my nervous system (the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system for those neuro-geeks out there) was over-firing.  That part of our nervous system is designed to keep us safe by looking out for danger.  It’s part of why we’re so successful as a species, because we have this innate radar for danger hard-wired into us.

But the system can go wrong.  Part of what happens when the Fight-Flight is activated is that our perception of people’s emotional expressions changes; we see friendly faces as neutral or even hostile.  In effect it creates an altered state of reality.  In this place, allowing intimacy is very difficult – because my beloved’s caring face was being perceived by my nervous system as a threat – even though it wasn’t one.

Since both our nervous systems had been more activated than usual we were both at a raised level of alert – much closer than normal to the level where our brain tells us “watch out, this is dangerous”.  So the smallest thing would set us off into a defensive pattern of behavior – basically we went into Fight or Flight at every perceived mis-step from the other.

The moment I realized this, things began to shift.  We didn’t need couples therapy or counseling or time apart – it was some down time, a period to allow our nervous systems to recalibrate and calm down.

Fortunately the Christmas holidays were just around the corner and this allowed us both to have some time away from the stresses of work, have some lie-ins and duvet days and just calm ourselves down.

Our culture puts so much pressure on us to be “on” all the time, to work longer hours, to be more social or to always be “doing” something.  Even the background hum of noise in a city creates a raised level of nervous system response, activating our Fight-Flight reaction more easily than is healthy for us.  All these things make our nervous system shift into a lower gear, watching more closely for danger.  In this place it’s much harder to be loving, to not be defensive or critical (of yourself or others).

What most of us need is to recalibrate our nervous systems so that we bring down our base-level of activation to allow more ease and calm in our lives.  I’m happy to say that since this realization we’ve quickly got back to our old loving selves, we’ve reconnected and intimacy is flowing between us once more – it’s a relief for us both.

If you’re in a similar position, maybe there’s nothing wrong with your relationship at all, maybe you don’t need a break or even therapy for this.  Maybe you just need a good rest.

So how can you calm your nervous system?  Here are a few ways to help you.

  • Make sure you get enough undisturbed sleep: Disrupted sleep makes people grumpy and more alert to danger. If you can, take short “power-naps” of 15-20 minutes in the daytime.
  • Slow down: Eat slowly, don’t rush late to appointments and give yourself time. The more we rush the more our nervous system gets activated.  Slowing down helps calm your body and mind.
  • Breath: Deep breathes with an emphasis on the out breath, slightly extending the exhalation activate the opposite of your Fight-Fight reaction, helping change your body chemistry and calm you.

Enjoy a higher quality experience of love this year. Become a LOVE TV Member today.

Time for a Paint Job? What Bedroom Color is Best for Getting Turned On

by zfortadminin SEX TIPS

Look to surprising revelations about bedroom wall colors to get more of what you want

More sleep and more sex? Yes, please! A new survey involving 2,000 Brits shows a strong correlation between the color of your bedroom walls and decor with how much sleep and sex you’re having. The takeaway: People with blue rooms appear to be getting the best night’s sleep, while people with caramel-colored walls are having the most sex. Let the mad dash to invent caramel-blue paint begin!

Here’s how the survey breaks it down.

Of course, you don’t see much color with your eyes closed and the lights off, but the color of your walls and decor affects how you sleep before you close your eyes, the survey found.

On average, the survey respondents sleeping in a blue bedroom get seven hours and 52 minutes of sleep, the most in the survey, which was conducted by Travelodge, a budget-friendly hotel chain in the U.K. Builders, teachers and civil servants tend to choose blue most often for their bedrooms, according to the survey.

The study surmises that since blue has long been associated with feelings of calmness — water, blue sky etc. — the color helps us chill out before sleep.

In fact, blue also is said to help reduce blood pressure and heart rate, for more sound sleep.

“This is an amazing result, as there are specialized receptors called ganglion cells in the retina part of our eyes, which are most sensitive to the color blue,” says Chris Idzikowski, a sleep expert at the Edinburgh Sleep Centre, in a press release about the study. “These receptors feed information into an area deep in our brain that controls 24-hour rhythms, and affects how we perform and feel during the day. That interaction between light, sleep and wakefulness is supremely important.”

An amazing 58 percent of Brits in the survey who sleep in blue rooms say they regularly wake up feeling happy. Cheerio!

Certain shades of yellow come in second in promoting the best night’s sleep: seven hours and 40 minutes on average per night.

Warm yellow relaxes the body by stimulating the nervous system and calming the nerves.

Green also creates a calm and soothing vibe, which is why it appears to be the third best color for getting sleep. People with green rooms get an average of seven hours and 30 minutes of sleep per night, and 22 percent of those surveyed say they wake up “feeling upbeat and positive.”

The survey suggests that a soothing silver bedroom mimics moonlight, which cues the brain to know that it’s nighttime and time for sleep.

People with silver bedrooms get an average of seven hours and 33 minutes of sleep, while 21 percent surveyed say they are more motivated to exercise in their bedroom.

Orange, surprisingly, is close behind, with people getting an average of seven hours and 28 minutes of sleep. The warm color also creates a “stable and reassuring atmosphere and can even help digestion too — especially if you have eaten a large or late-evening meal,” according to the survey.

The color has also been found to relax muscles, so you fall asleep more quickly.

Bankers and estate agents tend to choose gold decor, the study found.

Though similar to silver, gray, an incredibly popular house paint color, didn’t perform well in the study; people in gray rooms get an average of only six hours and 12 minutes of sleep per night.

It’s thought that brown and gray can be “dreary and depressing, especially in the bedroom, and make occupants feel emotionally isolated and uncomfortable — resulting in a restless sleep,” the study says.

What’s more, the survey found that Brits with gray rooms spend the most time shopping online in bed.

Those with a brown, cream or white bedroom are most likely workaholics who take their work to bed with them at least three times per week. Shop workers are most likely to have these colors in their bedrooms.

Purple bedrooms performed the worst for sleep. On average, people in purple bedrooms get five hours and 56 minutes per night.

While elegant and artistic, the color is thought to be overly mentally stimulating. Coupled with a busy day, purple walls can make it difficult to turn off a racing mind and switch into sleep mode. (I’m guessing the color has a different affect on chipper dinosaurs named Barney.)

Most interesting, to me anyway, is that the study found that couples in bedrooms with a caramel decor scheme have sex, on average, three times per week.

Unfortunately, the study doesn’t offer any possible reasons. Is the color tricking people into thinking about Milky Way candy bars and chocolate, making them more excited? Or is that just the case in my house?

Not much magic apparently happens in red bedrooms, where couples make love once a week on average. Maybe Roxanne should have put on a caramel-colored light?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

15 Things People with Anxiety Want Their Partners to Know

by Kate Oczypokin Mind, Wellness

I, like many other people in this world, have anxiety.

My generalized anxiety disorder can get super frustrating at times. I imagine it can be even more frustrating for my boyfriend.

Here are 15 things people with anxiety want their partners to know.

1. You don’t need to understand—just respect what we have.

My boyfriend has a retinal disease. When I occasionally find myself getting annoyed at him being slow while we’re out walking somewhere, I stop and think about what it must be like to have his disease. I’m not ever going to understand it completely, but I have to remember to respect it. That is exactly how I feel about my anxiety. I don’t need my boyfriend to understand it at all, he just needs to respect why I might be feeling a certain way.

2. We miss you more than ever during your business trips and we call often because we worry.

My partner travels fairly often. I can’t tell you how often I miss him during his business trips. Our dog passed away a few months ago too, so when he’s away it’s even harder without anyone here to keep me company! Granted, the alone time is nice for a bit but then I start getting anxious and wondering how he’s doing. I call him often because I worry about whether or not he’s enjoying the trip, getting dinner okay or occasionally, (in the darkest corners of my mind) if any woman is hitting on him.

3. Sometimes all we really need it just a hug—nothing more, nothing less.

There’s nothing better than a hug from my boyfriend when I’m feeling anxious. Sometimes having the person we love just simply hold us is all we need to feel calmer.

4. We’re so grateful for what we have, particularly our significant others.

Being an anxious person, I am so grateful for my boyfriend. He is someone I can always ask for reassurance when I’m making big decisions, or even little decisions. Sometimes, all the reassurance we need is just a simple hug, as I mentioned before.

5. We know we shouldn’t be scared of our fears but part of us still is.

Sometimes, a lot of people with anxiety have irrational fears or phobias. There’s lots more information about this here, but in the meantime, I know that my boyfriend understands my fears and phobias are mostly illogical. We know they are illogical, but part of us, that irrational part, is still frightened beyond belief.

6. Anxiety is a part of us but isn’t all of us.

Anxiety is a part of who we are yes, but it isn’t all of us. We don’t let it define us nor do we let it hold us back in any way (if we can help it!). I know that I am a writer, a teacher, a good friend, former dog mom, movie lover, magazine devourer, book lover, dog lover, sunshine lover and more. Anxiety is just a small part of the bigger picture of me.

telling him your anxiety

7. We often worry about anxiety being a burden.

A lot of times when I have panic attacks, the first thing I always do is apologize to the person I’m with (which is almost always my boyfriend or a family member). We often worry about our anxiety being a burden on our loved ones. Apologizing for me helps me feel just a little less worried about being an annoyance to my loved ones.

8. Anxiety, and many other mental illnesses all depend on the individual.

Anxiety can be helped through medication and therapy, as well as meditation and trauma therapy (for those with trauma-related anxiety, the book The Body Keeps the Score could be an interesting read). Exercise and yoga are also great stress and anxiety relievers. Perhaps going to a yoga class or for a walk or run with your partner could be a great way to spend some time together and lessen some of life’s stresses. The bottom line is, mental health problems are very individualized. You wouldn’t treat someone the same way for other physical health issues, why should mental health be any different?

9. Sometimes we may not experience anxiety and other times have full-blown panic attacks on the daily.

This piggybacks off of number eight. Just like life’s ups and downs, anxiety has its terrible times and not-so-bad instances. It all depends on what’s going on in our lives at the moment. For me, the months of June and December are always just a bit worse because those are transitional in terms of a lot of my students leaving for the summer (I teach piano as well) and then the December holiday break where as a freelancer, I don’t get paid.

10. We absolutely need you to communicate with us.

My boyfriend and I are still working on this, seven years later! Where I love to express my emotions every time I have them, my boyfriend tends to guard his. I am working on gently reminding him that I need to sometimes be reminded that things are all good between us. Sometimes I also need him to express why he’s being quiet a certain day. He may be tired but as an anxious person, my mind tends to wander if it’s other reasons involving me.

11. Change is really hard for us.

I’ll never forget the day I moved in with my boyfriend. He was downstairs with the movers and I just slumped against the wall in the empty living room and cried. I was so unsure if I was doing the right thing and was absolutely terrified of the change. Now, no matter what happens with the two of us, I’m glad I did. Partners just need to remember that change can be really hard for us, no matter how big or small.

12. We know we’re not being logical, and it’s hard for us.

Our worries and neuroses are not logical most of the time and we know that. The thing is, anxiety defies logic and we are always constantly trying to overcome that. Partners who have a spouse or significant other with anxiety should never yell at them for “not thinking straight.” We’re trying to!

13. Remember anxiety can give us physical symptoms.

I am just recently discovering this. I grind my teeth at night and have TMJ. I have suffered from IBS throughout most of my life. These physical symptoms are manifestations of my anxiety. I am starting to recognize and acknowledge this, because when my anxiety is controlled, my TMJ and IBS are a lot more controlled as well.

14. You can’t fix us, but therapy might be able to help.

Sadly, mental health still is somewhat treated poorly in our country. We don’t have adequate access to mental health professionals in our country. Many see those in therapy as weak. If your partner seeks out help for their anxiety that’s a good thing! If you can make it work, even if it means less dinners out or you maybe taking on a bit more of the rent for awhile, it’s be worth it in the long run, trust me.

15. We always welcome lots of questions, if you promise to be patient with us.

We love helping you learn about our anxiety! We just ask that you promise to be patient with us. Sometimes it can take a bit of time for us to open up about our issues. We’re just grateful you want to listen.