Wondering how and why some couples never tend to cheat on each other? Here is the answer.

Perceptual downgrading of attractive persons who can turn out to be potential threats may help in sustaining relationships from temptation and keep couples from cheating on one another, finds a new study.

The findings showed that to keep up a steady relationship, couples are likely to use an unconscious ‘turn-off’ mechanism where either partner perceptually downgrades individuals who can act as possible threats to their relationships, as less attractive than they really are.

Couples who are highly satisfied with their current partners are more likely to use this mechanism.

“Committed individuals see other potential partners as less attractive than other people see them, especially if they see the attractive person as a threat to their relationship and even more so if they’re happy with their partner”, said lead author Shana Cole, Assistant Professor at Rutgers University in the US.

Both men and women indulge in this protective bias called ‘perceptual downgrading’ and which helps couples’ maintain their commitment to their current partners.

“When people encounter an enticing temptation, one way to reduce its motivational pull is to devalue the temptation”, Cole added in the paper published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

“This study suggests that there are processes that may occur outside of conscious awareness to make it easier to stay committed to one’s partner”, she noted.

For the study, the team designed two studies. In the first study, the researchers told participants that they would be working with a very attractive person – who is either romantically unavailable or single.

They were shown the imaginary person’s face with its 10 morphed images and asked to pick the image that matched the original. The results shows that they consistently picked images morphed toward unattractiveness.

In the second study, the participants provided more information about their own romantic situations and the team described the imaginary person as single, and therefore, available.

Participants in relationships who thought the person was interested in dating found that person less attractive than individuals who were single.

People who were in relationships and were happy with their partners, perceived the imaginary person as less attractive than any other participant.

The ways we perceive the actions of others reflect how we see ourselves. I knew I had a problem with shame because of how I’d been treating my partner.

It began innocently enough.

“Are you really going to eat all of that?” I’d ask playfully, as if monitoring his eating would negate my own cravings.

“You did what in high school?” I’d gasp, appalled at whatever crazy anecdote came up. As if I were Mother Theresa.

I was looking at his past under the same negative microscope with which I judged my own. This served to confirm my belief that my mistakes made me a bad person.

Shame was deeply rooted in my relationship history, but I covered it with false bravado, impulsiveness and deflection. Subconsciously, I kept focus away from my own negative qualities by looking for them in others. Even in those I loved.

At the time, I saw this as a positive behavior. I would point to something I saw as a fault in my lover, then actively assert myself in “helping” him fix it. I thought that this made me a good partner. But in truth, I was anything but.

I didn’t know how to love someone without trying to improve him or her somehow – even if my words said otherwise, and even if I didn’t really want to change them. I couldn’t help myself. Judgment, blame and shame were all that I knew, even when life was good.

“Blame is [a] defensive cover-up for shame. Blame maintains the balance in a dysfunctional system when control has broken down.” – John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

I could say that I developed these habits because of my religious upbringing, where love came with conditions. Or I could blame my actions on past relationships, because they all seemed to have been dysfunctional in this way. But to actually solve the problem, I would have to look at the common denominator in these factors: me.

I didn’t know how to love myself without pretense or perfectionism. And because I didn’t take the time to admit this before I entered the relationship, it took a big toll on my partner. I was ruining my life, without even realizing it.

At the time, I was convinced that I was in the right. I believed that caring for people in spite of their shortcomings was the same as unconditional love. The very foundation of my relationships had been poisoned by shame. I acted defensively by default, manifesting of my own deepest fears. I truly loved my partner, but I was doing it wrong.

It took a great deal of therapy, self-reflection and rock bottom moments for me to finally have the guts to look in the mirror and acknowledge the fearful person staring back at me.

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Tag: committed

Here is Why Some Couples Never Cheat

Wondering how and why some couples never tend to cheat on each other? Here is the answer.

Relationship 911: Unpacking Shame

The ways we perceive the actions of others reflect how we see ourselves. I knew I had a problem with shame because of how I’d been treating my partner.