I am always on a mission to become a real woman. I know some women that are extremely strong in this area. They do speak their mind, don’t get me wrong, but they also do so in a kind, non-passive aggressive way.
The best thing you can do to start eliminating arguments is to really try to see where he or she is coming from. Chances are the person standing across from you is not a bad person right? Are they just speaking from a different perspective than you? Have you actually tried listening to them? Americans have bad tempers. We are emotional children for the most part. Go to an airport or an amusement park and listen to the way we treat each other, it’s so sad.
We need to watch our words as if they were the most precious thing in the world. We can build people up with them and break people down. It hurts us to hurt others verbally and it should be considered a form of abuse to insult someone.
Words can create lasting effects on a person’s self-worth which can lead to all sorts of other issues. We have word vomit syndrome in our culture. Words mean nothing to most people, and people don’t use them carefully and thoughtfully. Often enough, they just talk without thinking and no one really listens because the talking is so invaluable.
There are exceptions to this rule though, and some people have not lost the art of communication of course. I recommend being careful with your words so people know that when you speak, it’s important and helpful.
When we take responsibility for our actions, we become empowered in our relationships. We are not controlled by our emotions and have ways to see them separately from who we are. I often set an intention before an important conversation with my partner.
This helps me be aware that I am bringing in either poisonous angry energy, or kind and compassionate loving energy. This does actually make a big difference in the outcome of arguments. I take some deep breaths to calm my nervous system and think about coming from a caring place, not a defensive place. I remind myself that I may become defensive and to try to let it go.
Whether to break up or not
The biggest question you probably have is whether to break up or not. If you can get your emotional intelligence up to par, you are halfway to solving your problem. I suggest journaling, meditating, and reading uplifting books on the subject like The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Give yourself better emotional coping tools before giving up on your relationship. You will only attract the same thing next time if you don’t work on yourself this time.
Once you become calm, non-passive aggressive, patient, and truly caring, maybe things will change and your relationship will be all love no hate. If you feel undermined, sometimes it’s best to bring this up in a kind manner.
A lot of men are not aware of how things they are saying might be undermining you, and I’ve found that when I just bring it up instead of letting it make me mad, they feel bad and explain what they really meant by what they were saying.
When we are honest in a non-reactive way (which means we speak after thinking about what we are going to say and not when we are highly emotional) we can overcome many communication mishaps that most arguments stem from.
What I’ve found is that many arguments are not even based on something real. A lot of times they are about the future, something that hasn’t even happened. People argue about what they want to do in the future but are not even sure it will happen because life is unpredictable.
Try to take yourself less seriously and realize a little relaxation can go a long way. Say you’re sorry and show the other person you appreciate them. Stop looking for someone to show you their affection and just start giving it all the time. When you move out of a place of energy sucking and into a place of energy producing, your focus shifts from a victim mentality to a showering of love mentality which is more fun, more empowering and way more healthy.
If you have done the work to be in control of your words, reactiveness and emotions and still feel like you’re being attacked, consider therapy. The last resort is breaking up, but of course, if there are serious issues where you feel unsafe, and the relationship is extremely toxic, I suggest removing yourself from it immediately.
Sometimes it’s best to take some time away from each other and let things cool down so you both can gain perspective. Consider if you need to spend some time with other friends so you don’t smother each other and can appreciate your time together more.
If you can connect to my experience and find this article useful, please share it with your girlfriends…I’d love to hear your thoughts as we are all growing together. Don’t forget to check on the relationship column regularly for more useful and empowering advice.
Curated by Erbe