Are You Dissatisfied With Sex? That’s Good!

When they come to me, often they feel there is something wrong WITH THEM… what I am seeing over and over is fear and disconnection, brought about by a woman’s own body wisdom.

Whenever I sit down to write these posts, I truly never have any idea how long they will be.  A title comes to me and, like a midwife, I sit down and allow myself to be used as a channel.  So before you read this, scroll down and see how long it is and if you have the 5-10 minutes to read it.  This one feels important, even before I begin to write the meat of it.

Lately I’ve had quite a few women come to me and express dissatisfaction with their sexuality/sex life.  When they come to me, often they feel there is something wrong WITH THEM because they aren’t feeling sexual, and as I begin to work with them to help them unfurl the petals of this vital part of their feminine nature, what I am seeing over and over is fear and disconnection, brought about by a woman’s own body wisdom.

Throughout my life I have always said that the most important things I’ve ever learned I have learned through my body.  Living in a world that from a very early age teaches women and girls NOT to listen to their innate body wisdom has caused a massive shut down in our ability to discern what is healthy from what may be dysfunction. We trust more what we hear outside of us, instead of what we hear from within.  So many women who feel disconnected sexually are actually in a place of awakening, as their body wisdom has taken over where the mind has failed them.  In their deepest heart, they KNOW that this version of sex they are being sold is all wrong for them, but because there is no body trust for most women, it becomes depression and a subscription to the mainstream mindset that there must be something wrong with you.

Sexuality in our culture has become a lot like fast food, and just as devoid of nutrition and satisfaction.  We are hungry for something that we know we are supposed to get via sex, both women and men, yet after living on junk food, we are physically sick and more in need of nutrition than ever.  That nutrition is the energetic component of sex that is all but lost in the way we do sex now, and yet women’s bodies are rebelling against this, even as women’s minds subscribe to the BS that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t want sex or aren’t having it.

You see the words “women’s sexual dysfunction” all over the place these days.  Women are being led to believe we are broken in our sexuality as we have been led to believe we are broken in our bodies because we get periods, have babies and go through menopause.  The more we are bombarded with these negative concepts via media messages, personal exchanges, and personal beliefs, the more “depressed” we become.  But that depression is your soul calling you to awaken and take ownership of your powerful sexuality as you reject the mainstream models.  We are in a hook up/porn culture, where sex is just something you do, for stress relief, recreation, or procreation, but there’s a whole other universe, literally, when two people who are REALLY connected merge their flesh.  Like all of what I share/teach/speak and write about, I live these truths, and my sexuality has been a FORCE in my life that has taught me so much, and I know that if I had been listening to the mainstream spewing of crap, I wouldn’t have had the powerful experiences I’ve always had.

How to Achieve the 12 Varieties of Orgasm

Are you satisfied with your sex life?

As a sex-positive, intersectional feminist and sexologist, I hate hearing that people aren’t having great sex or aren’t experiencing enough full-bodied pleasure in the act. We deserve to have regular orgasms. Although many of us are still learning, debating, and practicing (the best part), what’s essential is understanding that we are all capable of experiencing orgasm in a variety of different ways.

Cue Nicki Minaj. Her Minajesty recently announced that “[she] demand(s) that [she] climaxes” and that every woman should demand the same. She goes on to say that giving and receiving pleasure should be 50/50. Whatever 50/50 looks like to you in any given sexual encounter or experience, that’s up to you and your partner to negotiate before, during, and after.

Seriously friends: Your body is capable of some of the most intense, satisfying, and healing energy-producing force. An admirable sex expert Lou Paget says that vagina-bearers can experience 10 different types of orgasms, while penis-bearers can have eight. But, I think there are 12.

Betty Dodson, the Godmother of Orgasms, has some of the best tips and advice about climaxing. Dodson speaks to the experience of the orgasm via the lens of what it feels like — not just the mechanics of what makes it happen. She says “clitoral and penile orgasms result from stimulation of the pudendal pathway, while orgasms that result from G spot, vaginal, and rectal stimulation often involve the pelvic nerve. Stimulating the pelvic nerve, via the rectum, can also lead to pleasure in some surprising ways.”

From healing migraines and relieving stress to soothing pain, boosting your immune system, and giving your body an effective workout, orgasms really are a cure-all.

So, let’s take a look at 12 types of orgasms — and how you can achieve them.


Some experts say this small, spongy area above the front vaginal wall is a myth. Otherwise known as the Graffenberg spot, it is, according to Lelo, “the most mysterious of erogenous zones. For some, it’s downright mythical, with the big G’s mere existence still subject to ongoing debate. Try telling that to the estimated 30% of women reporting that they achieve their orgasms through penetration alone.”

Exactly. It doesn’t really matter if you believe it or not — what matters is this: If applying pressure to this mysterious area in your body feels fantastic, then go for it.

How to have one? Use a circular “come hither” motion and with applied pressure, and massage the area slowly. Don’t be afraid to get your hands a little wet and maximize orgasmic potential by gently having the labia kissed at the same time.


According to a study reported on Science of Relationships, “researchers discovered that stimulation of the nipple activated an area of the brain known as the genital sensory cortex. This is the same brain region activated by stimulation of the clitoris, vagina, and cervix. What this means is that women’s brains seem to process nipple and genital stimulation in the same way.”

So, it IS possible! Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that our brains are actually the biggest sex organ that we have — and their influence on how we experience pleasure on the whole is huge.


Your lips are packed with closely set nerve endings, classified as a mucocutaneous region of the body similar to the outer vulva, nipples, and clitoris. This means that they have the power to get you aroused.

This type of orgasm requires some time commitment. Slow lip synching, tongue rolling, and teasing are all part of building up your arousal and should, in my opinion, be a part of foreplay all the time, anyway. Achieving orgasm this way requires deep focus, but it can happen.


Yes, your butt. For many women, anal intercourse feels fantastic.

If you want to try it, use a healthy dose of lube and slowly work your way in and around the anal area, while preparing for penetration. Anal penetration should at first be a slow process, especially if you’re new to the sensation. The tight muscles and thin epithelial cell layer within are subject to tearing, but they are also able to provide you with sensational pleasure. Graduated bead strands are a good starter toy to add to your sex toolbox.


The urethra. Yes, the pee hole. Surprised? Well, as Lou Paget states in her educational interviews, the urethra is actually surrounded on three sides by the clitoris. This is because your clitoris is actually a lot bigger than you think it is — it goes three to five inches deep inside you. When your U-spot is stimulated, the erectile tissue surrounding the opening engorges with blood, thus triggering the Skene’s Glands to produce prostatic fluid (the stuff of squirting) and you to become aroused.

Why a 4th of French Women Are Faking Their Orgasms

They found that French ladies (49 percent) were on top … in terms of struggling to reach climax, that is…“once their partner has climaxed, sex is considered ‘over.’ ”

“She tipped back her head, her white throat swelled with a sigh; and weakened … with a long tremor she gave herself up to him,” wrote Gustave Flaubert about Emma Bovary’s surrender to Rodolphe. French novelists have been teasing us with heavy breathing and heaving bosoms for centuries. But from Flaubert and Stendhal to Marguerite Duras, none ever hinted at the fact that women in the City of Lights, and the rest of France, struggle to have their buttons properly pushed in bed. Yet …

A whopping


of French women admit to regularly faking orgasms.

That’s the anticlimactic news from French polling institute IFOP, which conducted a study on behalf of the adult website CAM4. Its researchers questioned 8,000 women online — roughly 1,000 each from France, Spain, Italy, the U.K., Germany, the Netherlands, the U.S. and Canada. They found that French ladies (49 percent) were on top … in terms of struggling to reach climax, that is.

But this is the land of Duras and Flaubert, where women feel no shame in discussing their sex lives, or lack thereof, says Pierre-Yves Anglès, a research assistant at IFOP. Outspoken American women, 29 percent of whom said they fake it regularly and 44 percent of whom complained of struggling to climax, aren’t doing much better, but they too may just be speaking up more than Italians or Germans. Fakers elsewhere included 22 percent in Canada, 25 percent in Italy and the U.K. and 24 percent in Germany. Spain and the Netherlands can bask in the warm glow of knowing that only 19 and 18 percent of their women, respectively, are fakers.

Chicago-based psychotherapist and social worker Kelley Kitley says that for many women, “once their partner has climaxed, sex is considered ‘over.’ ” Anglès and his colleague François Kraus, IFOP’s director of research and a well-known sexual-health expert, also point to gender relations. “In countries where women tend to be more respected and where gender relations are more equal, women tend to have more orgasms,” says Anglès. Dutch women are happier in bed, he explains, because this equality encourages them to enjoy more diverse sexual practices.

But sex is still very much the realm of the man in many countries. “Globally, sexual intimacy is more oriented toward male pleasure,” Anglès says, noting that this begins with foreplay, during which “most men pay little attention” to the clitoris. And that inequality, he says, filters down into the sexual positions couples practice, which often don’t cater to women’s pleasure. Kitley agrees, noting how sex is “more normalized for men and shamed for women.” Lesbian couples, by contrast, declare that they have much more sexual satisfaction than women in straight couples, Anglès says.

This isn’t only unfair; it also means straight women are often being cheated out of the psychological health benefits associated with the ultimate release. Climaxing, says Kitley, helps lift mood and fight stress while enabling better sleep. So how can women be as fulfilled as literary heroines? By writing their own destiny, which includes demanding equality in bed, giving in to sensation and, says Kitley, granting themselves “permission to reach orgasm.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Relieving a Solo Pleasure Pattern

Are struggling with orgasms or are you in a sex rut?

Dear Athena,

I’ve always masturbated in the same position (even as a young girl). I’ve tried getting a vibrator, masturbating in other positions, using running water and soliciting advice from my women friends. Nothing gets me off the way my hands in that one position do. Problem is, I have only come half a dozen times since I’ve been sexually active. I’m afraid that my one-position masturbation has affected my ability to experience pleasure in other positions, with other methods of stimulation, etc. I’ve tried approximating it during sex, but it’s not the same. How would you suggest I get out of this self-created rut?


Masturbation Rut

Dear M.R.,

In this advice business, I’ve heard from a great many folks who struggle to find their orgasm. Believe it or not, you’re one of the lucky ones! This conundrum has two sides: On the one hand (pun intended), you’ve learned to manually get down with your bad self, with stellar results. On the other hand, you can’t get psyched about it. Big-time bummer. Let’s get some perspective on this.

First, reaching orgasm is spectacular, but it isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex. Sex is about intimacy and connection, pleasure and discovery — the process more than the product, you see. The more you obsess over achieving an orgasm, the less likely it is to happen. And it’s not as much fun! So stop worrying about how you’re going to get there, and enjoy the journey.

Stress Relief and Self Pleasure …How to Reap the Benefits

Personally, I’m not particular about when I masturbate, but I would say it’s most often at night, just before I go to bed.

Everyone has a different masturbation routine. Some do it daily, some weekly, some in the morning, some in public bathrooms … the list goes on. No matter when, where, or how you do it, there are so many positive effects of masturbating — and it’s fun! It can help you stay in touch with yourself and your sexuality, and is also an extremely satisfying way to pass the time. Whether you’re horny, frustrated, stressed, or just plain bored, masturbation will always be there for you.

Personally, I’m not particular about when I masturbate, but I would say it’s most often at night, just before I go to bed. This is partially out of convenience; I sleep naked, so of course it’s easy to make that transition to sexy-time when I’m already lying in bed sans clothes. There’s almost nothing more exciting after a long day than the thought of crawling into my giant, comfy bed, where my vibrator is patiently waiting for me.

Even if you’re typically a morning orgasm kind of person, consider switching to a nighttime routine to reap some of these awesome benefits. The worst thing that can happen is more orgasms; and come on, how bad can that be?

1. Better Sleep

Releasing endorphins is a well-known way to help you relax, which is why working out regularly helps you sleep better and more deeply. Sure, sex is physically exhausting in and of itself, but the act of having an orgasm can also cause sleepiness. If you’re anticipating a toss-and-turn kind of night, it might behoove you to consider having an O before you start counting sheep. Bonus: If you have long-term issues with sleeping, masturbation may also help with insomnia!

2. Stress Relief

Is there anything worse than going to bed with your head full of negative, stress-filled thoughts? For a quick fix, treating yourself to some me-time before bed will release chemicals like endorphins (mentioned above), as well as dopamine. The combination of the two can make for some seriously stress-free slumber. That feeling of euphoric pleasure is sure to wipe away any nasty residual stress from your day.

3. Sexy Dreams

This may be a long shot, but if you spend some quality time concentrating hard on a sexy scenario, you may be fortunate enough to have that situation, person, or feeling reflected in your dreams. Just lay back, relax, and think about Ryan Gosling (or whoever, I guess) while you pleasure yourself. If you’re #blessed, you’ll see him again in your dreams all night long. Who wouldn’t want to wake up with those memories fresh in mind? Talk about waking up on the right side of the bed!

4. Treat Yo’ Self

What more reason do you need? If it’s been an especially long, grueling day at work or school, think of a late-night pre-zzz’s masturbation session as the perfect reward for all your hard work. At the end of the day, masturbation is all about self-love. If you’re feeling down, who’s to say that you can’t offer yourself a sexy pick-me-up? You do you, girl.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Lesbians Report More Orgasms Than Straight Women

That headline got your attention, didn’t it?

Yes, it’s true: Women with same-sex partners orgasm more than women in heterosexual partnerships and also bisexual women.

A 2014 study by Garcia, Lloyd, Wallen and Fisher examined the orgasm frequency of 6K+ women and men. (No word on how it broke down via gender and orientation identifications.) Participants self-selected to take the 2011 survey. Data was used from 1.4K+ men and 1.3K+ women who’d had sex within the past year.

The study found that heterosexual women experienced an orgasm 61%+ of the time, bisexual women had an orgasm 58% of the time, and lesbian women had an orgasm 74%+ of the time. Needless to say, those are some very large gaps to attribute to orientation.

But why is this? There are a few reasons: First, a woman would theoretically be able to get her female partner off more easily, because she’s working with the same equipment (so to speak). She would also be more comfortable with her own body, allowing her to orgasm more. Another reason mentioned is a bit more about social conditioning in terms of sexual etiquette: A 2013 study reveals that women in heterosexual partnerships don’t expect to have an orgasm during a sexual encounter, whereas women in homosexual partnerships do have that expectation.