loving Archives

7 Steps for Loving Someone With a Mental Illness

June 8, 2016January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin LOVE

Are you constantly worried about your partner’s mental illness? Are you afraid that things will never get better?

The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness this year. 1 in 17 people continue to live with chronic mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression. The chances are pretty high that you will fall in love with someone who suffers from a mental illness or mood disorder. It’s also extremely likely that you’ll both find unexpected obstacles on the road to happy endings. No love story is complete without a few bumps in the road, but mental illnesses can throw a lot of unexpected hurdles into the mix.

That said, I’m here to deliver good news.

Your relationship is not doomed. The very fact that you’re reading this article is a sign that you care deeply about your partner, and that is immensely valuable. You are taking time to do your research. That’s important. The more you know about mental illness, the better off you’ll be in overcoming it together.

More good news:

If your partner suffers from a mood disorder or mental illness, this does not make them weak. Behind every “I’m fine” lives a special kind of strength that’s not common for the average person. That said, If your partner is not aware of their own mental illness, or you feel they are endangering you or themselves, stop reading and help them find professional help immediately. If your partner is emotionally, mentally or physically abusive toward you, get as far away as possible.

This article is not meant to diagnose or treat mental illness. It’s about loving someone in active recovery. I’m going to assume, for the sake of this article, that your partner loves you and wants to make you happy. Your partner wants to overcome their illness. And they’re trying.

I’m trying.

The morning after a difficult night, my brain sounds a little like this: I feel so ashamed of my [meltdown/episode/panic attack/etc]. I wish he didn’t have to see that. I want to be better. I want to make my partner as happy as he makes me. I would love to go the rest of my life without this happening again…but what if it does? What if I never get better?

And then my partner wakes up and says he loves me. And I find strength. My mind discards my toxic thoughts and decides: I will keep fighting – for both of us. Opening my heart to my partner and committing to making him happy was the biggest decision I ever made. I worried my issues would make me unlovable, that it would become too much for him. I still deal with those fears. But time and time again, my partner proves me wrong. He reminds me that he’s in this, with me.

Mental illness has not made us weaker than the average couple. I think it’s made us stronger.

Now, you may be wondering –If your partner struggles being happy, how can you be happy together? If your lover is afraid to leave the house, how will you go on adventures? If they suffer panic attacks when you feel everything is going well, what’s going to happen when life throws in new challenges?

It’s a learning process. My partner didn’t always know how to cope, and in many ways we’re still learning. But in spite of the struggles we’ve faced, our relationship has been overwhelmingly happy.

Many people confuse need with neediness. Know the difference: If a person has an asthma attack, you give them an inhaler. If a person has a panic attack, the antidote is equally important. This may be my battle, but I’m not the only one fighting. And that has made all the difference.

As the partner of a person with a mental illness, you are also at war. Here are your weapons.

Step 1: Know your enemy.

Understand your partner’s illness – causes, symptoms, and recommended treatments. Most mental illnesses can be overcome. Your partner most likely isn’t “crazy” – they’re a regular person who needs help overcoming trauma or negative childhood programming. Understanding this can be the difference between alienating your partner and growing closer with them. If they go to therapy, show your support by encouraging them. Talk with them about what they’re going through. And if you both go to therapy, that’s even better. For your partner, knowing that you’ve got their back is a huge deal. And the more you know about the monster, the better equipped you’ll be to fight it. This means becoming familiar with your partners emotional triggers, coping strategies, and what they need in moments of crisis.

Step 2: Don’t leave your partner in the battlefield – but make some distance if you need to.

If you’ve graduated Step 1, you know what they’re dealing with. You understand the monumental effort it takes for them to cope with their pain, and you know that support from you is critical for their recovery. So if (or when) the battle gets too intense and you’re suddenly unable to cope, make it clear that you love them and that you’re not leaving. Then step away. Why? Read step 3.

Step 3: Take care of you.

To play on a team, all players need to develop their strength individually in order to work well as a unit. This is ultimately their battle. They know this. On airplanes, when the oxygen masks come down, you’re told to put yours on before helping anyone else. Here’s why: you can’t help anyone if you’re suffocating. Once you’re able to breathe again, you’re strong enough to assist your partner.

Step 4: Reassure them. A lot.

With anxiety and trauma-induced disorders especially, we worry. A lot. If you told your partner you loved them this morning, by the afternoon and they might be falling into a spiral of doubt. They may believe you when you say you love them, but certain mental illnesses can make it difficult to retain the feeling. It might feel ridiculous to reassure them so much, but it’s better to say ‘I love you’ too much than too little. Think of your relationship as an hourglass. Flip it over with reminders every once in a while, so the love keeps flowing.

Step 5: Don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay to give them space.

It’s important to separate yourself from their illness. If they’re unhappy because of you, you’ll know. But if they’re dealing with the symptoms of their mental illness, it’s not your job to feel responsible for it. I love my partner, but when I’m unhappy as a result of my illness, it actually makes it worse if he blames himself. Guilt and fear go hand in hand – one exacerbates the other. Your only job is to be supportive and understanding. Relationships are a two-way street, and you can’t do all the work, all the time. Just like drinkers at the pub like to say: know your limit, play within it. It’s not always your fault. Sometimes they need space to recover, just like you do. If you’re struggling with guilt, go back to Step 3 and repeat.

Step 6: Let your partner love you.

Your partner is not helpless. They can take care of you, too. Let them! Spend quality time together and see each other for what you are – two people in love. Mental illness is like having a physical ailment – if you spend every waking moment worrying about it, you miss out on life.

Step 7: L-I-V-E.

Mental illness thrives on fear. It eats fear for breakfast, it drinks fear at night. Lucky for us…Love is stronger than fear. In my favorite film, Harold and Maude, Maude says: “Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go!” All you can do is your best. Do that, and let love take care of the rest.

*Source: National Alliance on Mental Illness

Marriage 101: Expectations Vs. Reality

May 24, 2017January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin LOVE

Once upon a time, two newlywed lovers rode off into the sunset.

It was a perfect end to a perfect day: The Bride (wearing an off-beat vintage dress that totally said “I’m not like other brides”) took a celebratory swig from a flask in the passenger seat. Her Groom squinted like a sultry James Dean, driving toward the horizon with wind in his hair. The sexy beats of Arctic Monkeys accompanied them as they drove; they thought of the red-hot road trips they took when they had first been dating. This new beginning was just a continuation of a love that was already good.

The couple held hands and agreed: this was perfect, they were perfect, and the future was going to be perfect.

Being married wouldn’t change a thing, they swore. This was the happy ending they’d always wanted. Two lifetimes of buildup and anticipation, all those years of searching…everything led up to this moment.

Soooo…what now? Neither one knew for sure.

The Bride kept drinking her whiskey and the Groom kept playing the same songs on repeat and they tried to do the same things they did before the ceremony, before the proposal, before moving in.

It worked, for a while. But the sunset had to end sometime. What would they do in the morning?

Clouds moved in to cover the stars. The Bride and Groom were now Wife and Husband, and they tried their best not to mess things up.

“What do married people do?” they asked themselves. Both came up with their own answer, based on what they’d seen their parents, friends and TV couples do.

Wife made a nice dinner and set the table for Husband, because she heard she should prioritize quality time. Meanwhile, Husband picked up an extra evening shift at his job, because he heard he should save to buy nice things for Wife.

All it took was a phone call to disappoint them both. Gone were the days of long drives and free flying and throwing bouquets out the window. Now, he was a husband who worked long hours and she was a wife who ate pot roast alone.

“Why does he make me so sad?” She sighed. “This doesn’t seem like us.”

“Why does she make me so angry?” He groaned. “I thought that we would be different.”

She expected a date night; he chose a night with the boys. He expected they’d spend their day off at the beach; she preferred couples’ counseling. On and on and on it went.

One year later, this perfect pairing was dissatisfied in every way. Why?

Things weren’t really that bad, were they? He didn’t cheat, she didn’t lie, and neither one spent all their money. Plus, they were trying so hard! It didn’t make sense that they’d be so unhappy. Was marriage itself to blame?

True story: When my husband and I were married, we were convinced we’d never be like “other” couples. We felt like two single people who just happened to be getting married. “Nothing would change!” we vowed.

In five years, we imagined that of course we’d have romantic evenings of punk records and bourbon on the rocks. And in ten years, naturally we’d have the same careers and wear the same styles of clothing. And in twenty years, obviously we’d be the coolest parents/best friends/partners on Earth. Everyone would envy how non-traditional and happy and open we were. “Traditional” marriage was for the birds, we said!

These weren’t bad intentions at all. But eventually, our unconscious expectations of what should be threatened our conscious dreams of what could be. It took a great deal of listening on both sides to dissect the reasons why we expected the things that we did. And it was hard to admit that people weren’t lying when they warned us that marriage would change things.

Here’s where we went wrong: My expectations and his expectations did not match our collaborative goals. And the higher our expectations, the greater our potential for disappointment.

As much as we denied it, that piece of paper became more than ‘just a piece of paper’ the second we went beyond “I do” and claimed our “supposed tos” and “should.” And it’s okay. I believe that most couples go through this, at some point.

The first few years of committed cohabitation are specifically primed for chaos. The people you both were when you met will have changed by the time you walk down the aisle. And it’s often not until the glow wears off that you notice that anything’s changed. When that happens, it’s not necessarily bad. Just hang on. It takes love, patience and a sense of adventure to navigate what happens next.

I’d thought marriage would be just like dating, just with both of our names on a contract. I imagined we’d be the same people, forever. But that’s like saying “if I win millions in the lottery, I’ll still act like I do making $20,000 a year!” How silly.

When an event or person changes your life, your identity must be affected somehow. If this didn’t happen, no one would grow or evolve. We’d all still be raging toddlers, learning nothing and accomplishing nothing. But while change is a good thing, it’s stressful.

Sometimes opportunity feels like a crisis. Even something as wonderful as finding your soul mate can spark a personal breakdown. But the difference between a breakdown and breakthrough is the way you go about handling it. Change works in your favor, if you let it.

Expansion requires letting go of old limits, and this includes unrealistic expectations. And it’s not as scary as you might think. You can lower your expectations without compromising your standards.

It’s common for couples to articulate the same vision for their marriage, but display conflicting expectations through their actions down the road.

Nobody’s immune to unrealistic expectations, even the most non-traditional of couples. Overcoming this pattern is a challenge that can only make you better, together.

I’m grateful for all of it, now. Good and bad. We’ve been through a lot, and we’re stronger for it. We’re clear on what our relationship is and have chosen to accept and love it for what it is now, not what it “could” or “should” be down the road. At first, I thought letting go would mean accepting failure. But the results proved me wrong in the best way.

Now that we’ve stopped judging ourselves by old rules that don’t work, we’re free to meet the ideals we’d envisioned at the start! Our worst fears were never realized, once we learned to let go of them.

Love is not a perpetual ride into the sunset. Sometimes it’s two flat tires in a blizzard. And that’s fine! At least it’s not boring.

When that sunset ride ends and you run out of gas, get out of the car and push. Hold on to each other through the next morning, the next sunset, the next disaster and dream come true. Have faith in your future beginnings, because there will always be more.

P.S…Laugh, if you can. It helps.

The Happiest Moment of My Life (So Far) Was With Those I’ll Love Forever

March 2, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

No, it’s not what you think. The happiest moment of my life so far was a day I felt unequivocally carefree with friends I love.

The happiest moment of my life so far wasn’t the day my boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend. Sure, that was a very happy time, but the one I’m about to tell you about was a different kind of love.

It wasn’t the day we got my dog Moe either. That too was a wonderful moment I’ll always remember. This day happened on vacation in Europe with my two best friends when I was in my mid-20s.

Here is a snippet of a time in my life I felt truly, utterly happy.

Many would probably expect me to answer this question as the day I met my boyfriend, or the day I got my dog, or perhaps something involving my family. Sure, those days are all joyful ones in my life of course, but there’s one moment in one day that I remember feeling truly and incredibly happy. I’ve always considered myself a happy person but this particular moment stood out for me for the past six years as my happiest.

It was the summer I turned 26 and I was on my first trip across the world, to Munich, Germany, Brussels, Belgium and Paris, France. A self-described hopeless romantic, I was so excited to be in Paris. I was on this trip of a lifetime with my two best friends, both males.

The three of us had become a The Hangover-like trio, even nicknaming ourselves after characters in the movie. We were constantly on all kinds of adventures. I felt safe and secure with the two, and had been in love with both of them (and very briefly dated one) at some point over the eight years previous. I was dating another man at the time and was eager to get away for a bit as I wasn’t sure exactly if I was all that excited about him (we ended up breaking up later that fall).

We gallivanted all around Paris for three glorious days. It was the time before ISIS threatened in the shadows and we could safely walk the streets without any worry. I remember seeing Versailles, Notre Dame and the Moulin Rouge. One evening, the three of us were sitting outside one of the quintessential Parisian cafés, sipping beers while taking a break from sightseeing. We were laughing hysterically at excerpts from my diary, which I had brought along to chronicle my European travels.

After some loud stomach rumbling, we all agreed it was time to find somewhere to eat dinner. We stumbled upon a small and cozy-looking restaurant tucked into a corner of Paris, near the Sainte-Chapelle. From the outside, there’s nothing all that special about L’Auberge Café. Its brown and beige exterior is elegant but not too fancy.

Either way, we were excited about finally getting some food and the menu posted outside looked good. When we sat down, we took in the rustic atmosphere at the quiet restaurant. It was intimate and homey, a completely perfect surprise to us.

The dinner we had that night was for lack of a better term, incredible. There wasn’t anything too fancy about it either but it hands down was one of the most delicious meals I’ve ever had in my almost 33 years.

I had a beef tenderloin, potatoes, peas and onions in a dark, savory sauce. My one friend dined on duck, a signature entrée of the restaurant and the other chose a fish fillet. We sampled fresh prawns, spicy gazpacho and an absolutely to die for molten chocolate dome dessert with the most decadent of melted French dark chocolate inside. With a bottle of the house wine, we made sure to make it a truly incredible night.

I know what you’re thinking—this doesn’t seem like it deserves the title “happiest moment of your life.” The funny thing is, despite how brief that dinner was in the hindsight of things, while I was sitting there I felt truly completely happy. It was a moment of my life I will remember forever. It was young enough not to have to worry too much about the future but old enough to truly appreciate that moment in time.

Now, whenever I am feeling anxious or just need to take a moment to close my eyes and relax, I always recall that dinner with my two best friends in one of my favorite cities in the world—remembering what it feels like to be completely, unapologetically happy.

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