Why do we crave love so much, even to the point that we would die for it? To learn more about our very real, very physical need for romantic love, Helen Fisher and her research team took MRIs of people in love — and people who had just been dumped.
Tag: couples
Getting My Needs Met Under the Covers
I write this article knowing it is likely to be my most divisive to date. For it contains the following shocking truth: my boyfriend and I sleep with two single duvets. And we are not yet in our 70s (at which point, apparently, this kind of behavior becomes acceptable). No, we are just two 30-somethings who really like our sleep. So when we realized that we hated – truly hated – sleeping in the same bed, we put our heads together and thought our way out of the box and into our current sleeping arrangement. This process marked a transformative and empowering moment in our relationship. For it was one of the first times that we bothered to fly in the face of convention and find a solution that really worked for us.
Picture this: once upon a time, my partner and I shared a duvet. Throughout the night, we would wake up at least once an hour, sometimes too hot, often too cold. Resentment grew, minor disagreements morphed into physical spats, knees found their way into backs, humans found their way onto floors. It was an intolerable situation that could not go on. And yet, many couples continue like this their whole lives.
You might think I’m exaggerating the significance of our single duvets, but they really do seem to offend some people. A few friends have reacted to the news of them as though we have just revealed we like to take small mammals to bed with us; others see them as deeply unromantic; a sign that we are inherently divided, and probably never touch each other, let alone have sex.
In fact, this change marked an improvement in our sex life. Because, let us be clear on this, tiredness is not sexy. Sleep deprivation has been used throughout history as a method of torture; there is a reason for this.
And not all our friends disapprove of our decision to sleep with separate duvets. For those who have suffered similarly miserable nights at the hands of their loved ones, our sleep solution is akin to the secret of alchemy. When these same friends learn that the Swedes do it (and make it look really rather stylish) they are often officially sold.
These days, however, we generally sleep the whole night through completely oblivious to the other’s presence. It is marvelous. In the morning we wake up after eight hours’ uninterrupted sleep and get to discover each other all over again. One of us will usually slip under the other’s duvet for a toasty morning cuddle. If anything, we now enjoy more physically intimacy, because we like each other the whole night through.
I’m not saying single duvets are for everyone, but this issue reminds us of the importance of making choices in our relationships that are right for us. Marriage is for some people, but not for everyone; children, date nights, swinging likewise. If we want to be happy in love, we need to question our decisions, so that we can be sure they are motivated by what we truly want, and not simply by the fact that ‘everyone else is doing it’. Others will always judge our choices, but this matters not one jot if we are able to wear them with pride.
Modern Love: Beyond Years
Tim and Sarah McEown never saw their 22-year age difference as an obstacle in their relationship, until Tim had a heart attack.
Curated by Erbe
Original Source
Why We Love, Why We Cheat
Anthropologist Helen Fisher takes on a tricky topic – love – and explains its evolution, its biochemical foundations and its social importance. She closes with a warning about the potential disaster inherent in antidepressant abuse.
When a Gentleman’s Love Language is Giving
When the love of my life and I decided to get engaged, we went on an extensive search for the perfect wedding ring. What my bride to be didn’t know was that I wanted to learn what shapes, colors and designs she liked best so I could design “the perfect ring” myself.
Sometimes, she would put on a ring and take it off immediately other times she would say, “…that’s kind of nice” and then finally, at what seemed an eternity, she said, “Wow.”. That’s when we stopped looking and I started designing a ring that incorporated all of the things that she liked in individual pieces.
When the design was completed, it required 32 Marquis cut diamonds. Try as I might to find perfect stones, I could not get 32 that matched in size, color and clarity. A bit of research found a diamond cutter in Brussels and off I went to have him cut 32 Marquis diamonds in the exact size, color and clarity that I wanted. Then, I found a wonderful jeweler, outside San Francisco, who my gut told me was the right person to build this ring. The ring itself is an open design with white gold and yellow gold interwoven and diamonds all the way around. After a wax was prepared, it was shipped to me for approval. Shipped because I live in Atlanta. We tweaked the ring just a bit and I saw a final casting before the ring was completed; when it was, it was simply spectacular.
Perhaps you can see, I have been called a hopeless romantic (more than once) who enjoys giving gifts. That is how I express my love.
Of course, the entire design, acquisition and building of this ring was unknown to my bride-to-be. When it was finished, over a romantic dinner, I showed it to her for the first time. Much to my chagrin, she looked at it and said, “It’s a beautiful ring but when would I wear it? I am a ceramic artist whose hands are in clay all day.”
To her our earlier search was simply a fun exercise while to me it was much more serious. My beloved had told me long ago that she didn’t really like diamonds. I took it upon myself to show her something beautiful in anticipation that she would change her mind. While I heard her words, I did not listen. That was several years ago. To this day, that ring sits in a safe and sadly we did not marry.
Not to be dissuaded, the one thing my fiancée complained about the most was the studio in which she worked. It was a warehouse with no heat or air conditioning and no windows. During the four months out of the year where one can be perfectly comfortable with windows and doors wide open in Atlanta, she would work feverishly while the rest of the year she either was much too hot or far too cold.
This time, when I suggested that I build her the studio of her dreams, I listened carefully as she told me what would make that studio ideal. I then added a few touches of my own, like floor to ceiling windows, a 20 foot cathedral ceiling, and, of course, heat and air-conditioning.
Each day for a month, I would be so excited to show her the progress. This was a 1,500 sq.ft.studio and I was the general contractor and assisted in the construction. Again to my dismay, my beloved showed no interest in the process.
When the studio was completed, she stepped inside and said, “…this is beautiful. Thank you.” With that, I then moved all of her equipment from the warehouse into the new studio where she quickly unpacked everything and organized the space.
She received my gift and my passion in the love language of giving.
Written by Barry
What All Successful Couples Have In Common
Do you have these traits in your relationship?
Want an iron-clad marriage? Take note of these universal relationship techniques.
Marriage is hard work, whether you’ve been together for just two months or 20 years. No couple jumps the broom, breaks the glass or ties the knot without genuine hopes for happily ever after, right? But every couple inevitably has issues beneath the surface—it’s how they handle these obstacles that are the telltale signs of success. We tapped a few top marriage therapists to help us identify the common denominators among couples with healthy, enduring relationships. After all, what are the ingredients for long-lasting love?
They argue.
Occasional disagreements and “fighting fair” are not necessarily signs that a relationship is falling apart. “There is good data showing arguments are OK,” says psychologist Kristen Carpenter, PhD, Director of Women’s Behavioral Health at Ohio State’s Wexner Medical Center. “As long as you have positive interactions to offset them, you’re fine. These might include good discussions, date nights, affection or gratitude. Every couple is different, but arguments are definitely OK.”
In fact, arguments can actually be effective if they’re productive. By simply bottling up feelings, you’re creating a recipe for resentment and hostility, which can destroy a marriage.
So, how do you fight right? “Couples need to be able to identify and communicate their needs,” Dr. Carpenter says. “The minute one thinks, ‘He should know what I need,’ you’re setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.” No. One. Reads. Minds. Don’t lose sight of that.
They listen.
Just as much as you want to vocalize your own wants and needs, it’s imperative to hear the other person out, says marriage therapist Carin Goldstein, LMFT. “One of the biggest things that gets in the way of problem-solving is when a couple does not want to listen to each other,” she explains. “They do not hear each other, and they do not want to understand.”
If you’re struggling with this, Goldstein says the following re-framing exercise will help. “You effectively listen by repeating back what you’re taking away,” she says. “So, say to your partner, ‘What I’m hearing you say is that, when I do X, Y or Z, you feel attacked.‘” That way, you get temperature checks along the way, rather than barreling down a course of misunderstanding. If you want to be heard, you have to listen to your partner’s needs as well.
They absorb emotions without negativity.
If two partners are both negative nellies, Goldstein admits she wonders if they’ll be able to make it through the tough times. “Successful couples use positive language; couples that I really struggle with generally have a lot of criticism [in conversation],” says Goldstein. “It comes from such a deep place of contempt, where the other person does not feel valued or heard.”
To counter negativity, Goldstein has these couples consistently practice using positive language. “I have them start a conversation by saying what they genuinely appreciate about each other,” she says. “They also need to learn to listen to their spouse’s feelings without getting defensive. Emotions aren’t necessarily there to be rationalized. Sometimes, they just need to be expressed without interruption.”
They compromise.
Goldstein says, ultimately, the couples that succeed long-term are extremely adaptable. “I’ll have couples come into my office, and they are unwilling to compromise,” she says. “Sometimes I’ll tell them, if they’re not willing to compromise, they shouldn’t come back. It is impossible to be in any relationship without the ability to change and accommodate your partner.”
Remember, no one person is right or wrong, Goldstein says. It’s never black and white; there’s always a middle ground, and lasting couples put in the time to find that place where both can coexist comfortably.
They savor their time together (and apart).
Relationships take work—and more importantly, perhaps, they take time, says Carpenter. “This means staying in touch and protecting your time together,” she explains. “It looks different for every couple. For some, it’s texting throughout the day; for others, it’s a quick phone call at lunch. It might be a week-long getaway once a year, one movie night a week, a date night every so often or just 15 minutes of cuddling a day.”
No doubt you’re being pulled in a hundred different directions, thanks to work, family and friends. But value your time with your partner by making sure your time together doesn’t keep slipping down the totem pole.
Carpenter adds that you need to find what works for you—and “if you’re feeling off, maybe it’s not enough time together and you should address it,” she says. “Or maybe you’re not taking enough time for you. It’s impossible to be your best self in a relationship if you’re not your best self on your own. Sometimes, it makes sense to take a step back and look inward.”
So if it’s getting a little too close for comfort: take that solo spa trip, or make dates to decompress with your girls. Your marriage will probably be a whole lot healthier (and you’ll both be happier) when you rejoin forces.
By Jenna Birch
Curated by Timothy
Original Article
Love Rules – Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Marriage Equality
This affirms healthy and committed relationships for all couples!
I am overjoyed at today’s Supreme Court decision in Obergefell v. Hodges. As I’ve said many times over the last several years, marriage equality had the stamp of inevitability on it — it is not a matter or “if,” but “when.” Today, we know the answer: Marriage equality is here.
This is an enormous victory for the LGBT community, and for all of us who believe that everyone deserves to be treated equally under the law. Whether loving same-sex couples live in Illinois or anywhere else in the nation, they will now be able to join in marriage. As a founding member of the LGBT Equality Caucus, I have been on this side of the fight for equal rights all along. I want to congratulate all of my friends and colleagues who have worked so hard to make this a reality — whether pushing for changes to federal law, challenging unfair policies, marching in the streets or talking to their families and friends about the need for equality.
This is truly a day to celebrate how far our country has come and I am positive that there will be more victories to come. We will enact the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) to stop discrimination in the workplace and Student Non-Discrimination Act (SNDA) to end discrimination in our schools. Today’s decision shows how far our country and we will keep marching on until we establish equal rights for all.
Curated by Tatiana
Original Article
5 Surefire Tips for a Successful Marriage from Real-Life Couples
Marriage can be both a source of joy and sorrows. Through ups and downs, couples can bolster their happiness by following these five tips that real life couples find work for them.
Share the housework
Research finds that couples that split household duties, including cooking, cleaning and child rearing, enjoy more sex and are happier than couples where the woman tackles “feminine” tasks and the man tackles “manly” tasks.
Lamar and Ronnie agree.
“We do everything as a team. We’re a team at work but also at home, you know with raising the kids. So teamwork has been instrumental in our marriage,” says Ronnie.
All you need is love
A majority of couples say love makes their marriages successful. Saying it to each other and remembering it can help strengthen relationships. Joel and Michael realize the importance that love plays in their marriage and celebrate it.
“I really don’t think there’s any difference between gay and straight marriage. It’s just two people who love each other and are going through life together. Marriage is marriage. Love is love,” says Joel.
Pack your bags, but not the kids
While parenting feels fulfilling, sometimes taking a break from the kids and focusing on the each other is greatly needed. It helps couples re-join and allows kids to gain some independence. Trina and George knew they needed some kid-free time away.
“We decided to start taking vacations without the kids because we knew almost immediately that it was important for us to stay connected,” George said.
Trina says the couple goes away mostly for weekend trips and the location doesn’t matter much.
“It really is about being together being exclusively together,” she says.
I want to hold your hand
Couples who hold hands with their spouses show the world that they love each other. They also provide strength, comfort, and affection to each other.
“It’s very much a sign of or a silent way of saying I love you,” says Lee, who has been married to Harry for 67 years.
Have fun together
Laugh together. Go on adventures. Play games. Share new experiences and have fun together to boost your marriage.
“I think the secret to our marriage is to be honest and open and laugh whenever we can and spend time with each other,” says Michael, who has been married to Joel for two years.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
How to Fight and Stay Together
When you’re in a long-term relationship, fighting with your partner is inevitable. Whether it’s a small one about laundry or big, reoccurring one about money, every couple fights.
But there are healthy ways to argue with your partner that may actually lead to stronger bonds. Then, there are also unhealthy ways to argue that will damage the relationship and may lead to the end.
After all is said and done after a fight with your partner, it’s hard to not think about the words you should’ve said, or worse, the words you shouldn’t have said. But what makes some couples survive after blowout arguments and some break up? A new study found, the key to fighting with your partner is not in what you said or should not have said, but how you approach the conflict.
In a 14-year study of 79 married couples from the Midwest, John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and University of California, Berkeley psychologist, Robert Levensen explored the predictability of divorce in early and later marriages. While 21 couples ended up divorcing over the course of their study, Gottman and Levensen noticed some key behaviors among couples who fought but managed to stay together in the end. Here’s what they found:
They Tackled Their Problems Immediately
Couples who ended up splitting took a lot longer to address arguments than couples who stayed together. In fact, those who separated let their partners “stew” for hours or days post-fight, while those who stayed together addressed their conflict immediately. As Gotten told Business Insider, think of it like you and your partner are in a boat. The emotions and feelings from your fight represent the sea. While a small argument “stirs the waters a bit and gets the boat rocking,” quickly stabilizing the boat via an open discussion can easily bring you back to smooth sailing. Furthermore, stalling can only strengthen the waves, thus causing bigger problems.
This actually keeps in line with a study published last year in the Journal of Counseling Psychology. In a study of 145 couples who received conflict management training, those who immediately addressed their conflict felt happier in their relationships in the long run than those who didn’t receive any sort of training.
They Allowed Each Other To Be Heard
Among those couples who got divorced, it was found that frequently cutting each other off during arguments were a common occurrence. In many cases, partners would throw out unhelpful or insensitive comments, which only served to make matters worse. Couples who were identified as “strong” on the other hand, approached the situation with an open mind. Most importantly, they took responsibility for their actions and listened to their partners.
n a 16-year study of 373 married couples published in 2010 in the Journal of Marriage and Family, it was found that when both partners “engaged positively during an argument” they were less likely to divorce than couples who didn’t have positive engagement or only had one partner put in any effort.
Generally, fights can be hard on a couple. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to do what you can to minimize damage. If you want to successfully come out of a fight stronger than ever, do what the couples in the study did. Tackle your problems immediately, keep an open mind, and make sure to listen to what they have to say. Don’t try to make yourself the “winner.” Because, let’s face it, when you’re fighting with your partner, there are no winners.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Watch Out! What One Behavior Spells the End
Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal..
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are “pending” divorce after 10 years of marriage.
On the way home from work you have every intention of greeting your partner with a friendly “Hi, how are you? How was your day?” and listening attentively while he or she tells you all about it.
But the minute you open the door and drop your keys on the counter, you find yourself knee-deep in an argument about how he or she bought the wrong type of pepper.
Don’t worry: It’s perfectly normal to get into arguments like these with your significant other every once in a while, John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and founder of the Gottman Institute, told Business Insider.
It’s what happens next that you need to watch out for, he says.
When you express your frustration over the pepper mix-up, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn’t ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he’s right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, “What kind of an idiot doesn’t know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?”
If you find yourself in the second situation, you’re likely displaying contempt for your partner, and it could be putting your relationship in jeopardy.
Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal..
Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson found this single behavior is so powerful that they can use it — along with the negative behaviors of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling — to predict divorce with 93% accuracy.
“Contempt,” says Gottman, “is the kiss of death.”
The striking 93% figure comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period) published in 2002. Since then, decades of research into marriage and divorce have lent further support to the idea linking divorce with specific negative behaviors.
One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or simply began to disengage from conflict within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce, even as far as 16 years down the road.
Why are couples who exhibit this one behavior more likely to split up?
It comes down to a superiority complex.
Feeling smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other means you’re not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more importantly, you’re far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.
Picture a resonance chamber, suggests Gottman, with each person in the relationship a source of his or her own musical (or emotional) vibrations. If each partner is closed off to the other person’s vibes (or emotions) and more interested in unleashing their own feelings of disgust and superiority, these negative vibrations will resound against one another, escalating a bad situation “until something breaks,” Gottman says.
If you’ve noticed yourself or your partner exhibiting this type of behavior, don’t despair — it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.
Being aware that you’re doing something that could negatively affect your partner is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you’ll likely greatly improve the relationship — and increase your chances of staying together for longer.
Curated by Timothy
Original Article
Do You Hate Valentine’s? Here’s Why Some Couples Do.
Valentine’s Day haters do not just include those who find themselves without a valentine.
There are plenty of reasons couples hate Valentine’s Day too, and they are not necessarily just because the “holiday” can all too often feel hollow, or capitalistic, or otherwise forced. So I asked six relationship experts to reveal why they think some couples hate Valentine’s Day so much. After all, these psychologists, therapists, and other experts know a thing or two about the dynamics of couples. I figured they could shed light on such a widespread feeling of dislike.
Shed they did. And one expert reminded that it’s possible that even the grinches of Valentine’s Day can be won over, if they just change their mindset. “For people that hate V-Day, I would suggest they find amazing ways to show love that buck the commercial aspects,” Rob Alex, who created Sexy Challenges and Mission Date Night with his wife, tells Bustle. The options are endless, but the only rule is that you eschew traditional tropes of the day for things that are more personal and special.
“Make your own card, cook a fabulous meal together and just spend that valuable time with your partner, just being together and talking,” Alex says. “Love is the most valuable thing on the planet, and yet it doesn’t cost a dime.” Truth. Here are 10 reasons some couples hate Valentine’s Day so much, from a psychological standpoint:
1. Disappointment Is Too Easy
If there’s smoke, there’s fire — and if there are expectations, disappointment is bound to be not too far behind. “Couples learn to dislike Valentine’s because of the pressure to be romantic, to do something special, and the disappointment when it doesn’t go right,” Tina B. Tessina, aka Dr. Romance, psychotherapist and author of Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, tells Bustle. “That’s why keeping it simple is a good idea.” If you keep the whole thing low-key, as she suggests, your expectations will stay at a reasonable level, and you won’t set yourself up for disappointment.
2. It’s Commercial
“Many people hate V-Day from the commercial standpoint,” Alex tells Bustle. Basing the day on “how much you spend on your partner” will never make anyone feel fulfilled, he says. “Getting away from the commercial aspect of Valentine’s Day could help these people heal from their hatred of V-Day,” says Alex, aka the Guru of Getting It On.
3. Some People Think It’s A Fake Holiday
Similarly, psychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle that “some people believe that it is a ‘Hallmark holiday’ — something made up to sell cards and candy.” Though the origins of the day are anything but commercial — in fact, the traditions associated with Valentine’s Day started out rather dark — the day has evolved to be just that, but only if you let it be.
4. It Can Feel Obligatory
“Valentine’s Day can feel like obligatory love,” Carlyle Jansen, author of Author, Sex Yourself: Woman’s Guide to Mastering Masturbation and Achieving Powerful Orgasms, tells Bustle. “I have told my partner never to do anything for me on the 14th of February. Any of the other 364 days of the year is wide open for indulgence, and I am happy to receive any other time.” She just doesn’t want her partner to do something special just because “it feels like you are ‘supposed to,'” she says. “Of course, my partner always thinks that this is a trick and will get into trouble if nothing happens.”
5. You’re Forced To Perform
“I believe couples can come to hate V-Day, because of all the commercialization of this holiday with the emphasis on spending too much money,” relationship coach and psychic medium Cindi Sansone-Braff, author of Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships, tells Bustle. “Restaurants can be overcrowded and over-charging, and yet the pressure to do something special can make couples do things they really rather not be doing.” Rather than forcing yourself to shell out for a prix fixe menu you’d rather not eat, feel free to stay home and watch a movie — you can always get dolled up and go out another night.
6. It Can Feel Superficial
“People hate rejection, and if a focus is on a romantic love, which is fleeting, then almost any love that is not superficial could feel to some as if they are experiencing something ‘less than,'” psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva tells Bustle. In other words, the superficial starts to feel real — and real, from-the-heart gestures can feel like they are not enough, even though they are authentic, if they don’t involve red roses or candy. “It is so important to understand that what is celebrated and what is real might be very different,” Paiva says. “We put expectations on ourselves, partners and relationships that are unrealistic.”
7. Too Much Is Crowded Into One Day
“Many believe that there should not be a day to show the other person how you feel about them, but this should be a regular occurrence throughout the year,” says Martinez. By jamming it all into one day, pressure and expectations can be too high — and you can lose out on exchanging little gifts and performing acts of kindness throughout the year.
8. You And Your Partner Can Be On Two Different Pages
“There’s always this unspoken need to meet your mate’s expectation, and frankly, two people who are otherwise very compatible, might just not be on the same page about the whole ‘Hallmark card and everything is coming up roses, candy hearts and chocolate kisses thing,'” says Sansone-Braff. A real, heart-to-heart discussion with your partner is in order. “The solution to this problem is to talk about what this holiday means or doesn’t mean to you, and come to some kind of compromise on how to spend this day together,” says Sansone-Braff. “Whatever you do, don’t start a War of the Roses over Valentine’s Day.”
9. It Can Be Re-Traumatizing
“Some have simply had terrible prior experiences in the past, and this has made them unable to move past it and learn to enjoy it and the company of their partner for a special celebration,” says Martinez. If you’ve had a horrible Valentine’s Day — or multiple awful V-Days past — you can skip the day, or make new memories by doing something completely different.
10. Everything Is Packed
And sometimes you want to share your googly eyes with no one but your partner. On Valentine’s Day, everywhere you go will be extra packed, often requiring reservations months in advance. Even worse: You’ll be surrounded by other couples, and it’s hard to ignore what everyone around you is doing/wearing/saying to each other. If you really, truly hate V-Day, and your partner does too, you can always opt out. But if you just dislike the day because of one or more of these underlying reasons, you can always alter your choices, so you can still celebrate love — without the icky parts.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
The Married Millennial – Are We Too Young?
A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different.
I got married at 21. By today’s standards, that makes me a unicorn.
When I show up with a new tattoo, nobody bats an eye. But the second I say I’m married? I might as well have joined a cult.
“How old are you, again?” my yoga teacher asked.
I answered honestly. “I’m 21.”
Her face must have gone through fifty shades of pity. “Are you sure?”
In our early twenties, we are expected to make adult decisions. Finishing college, choosing our careers, voting in elections – these are not tasks for children. As an adult, I’m allowed to make choices for myself. I’m allowed to make mistakes.
If we can smoke cigarettes in our twenties (risking cancer), own a credit card (and a lifetime of student loan debt), or joining the military (at 18, mind you) – why is marriage such a scary concept to us?
Traditional marriage goes against what many of us have come to know.
“How long have you been together? Because when I was in my twenties…”
This is a trick question. It doesn’t matter how long we have been together – her mind is made up that I am too young. Her conclusion is probably drawn from her own experiences at 21 – and that’s not a bad thing.
A year before, I would have agreed with her. I’ve had every reason to not believe in marriage. My experiences with long-term relationships began much younger than most, and nearly all of them ended in heartbreak. I know what it’s like to think you’ll spend forever with someone, only to leave – or be left. My own parents divorced. My friends’ parents divorced. I’ve been to more divorce dinners than actual weddings…and that’s because I don’t like weddings.
Before my husband came along, I swore off the possibility of long-term relationships completely. Monogamy was a lie. Marriage was an outdated system. Why would a strong, career-minded feminist like myself willingly give herself legally to another person?
I argued this point whenever marriage was mentioned. I questioning my friends’ life choices and cut my own relationships short when things got too serious. I was content to spend the rest of my life as a happily single woman. Now, here I am, with a ring on my finger.
Is it scary? Yes. Do I question my decision? No.
A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different. I can’t predict the next ten, twenty, thirty years. But no matter how my life turns out, I will be grateful for having shared it with him.
Nobody can predict the future, and that’s what makes marriage so huge.
I know a couple that dated for ten years before getting married. They divorced after one year. I also know a couple that got married six months after they met. They’ve been married for thirty years, and counting.
There is no guarantee that any relationship will survive. Our generation has been raised to value reward over risk. We want results, now. To many of us, marriage just sounds like a really expensive mistake. It’s easier to live together and have children together, without the hassle of expensive paperwork.
“Why invest in a marriage when you can have all the perks without it?” asked basically everyone.
As soon as our engagement announcement went live on social media, my inbox overflowed with congratulations…and concern.
“Have you been with him long enough to be sure?”
“Does this mean you giving up your career?”
“Are you pregnant?”
“I know it’s not my business, but…”
Sixty years ago, getting married in your twenties was totally normal. But then again, more of us had stable jobs in those days. People weren’t as afraid of the future then as we are now.
Nobody knows where – or who – we’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years. For many, this is why being “tied down” to any one person is terrifying. But for some, this is all the more reason to commit to something – or someone.
We’ve now been married for one year. So far, so good. We know that marriage is hard work. And it’s more than likely that we won’t be the same people in ten years. That’s not a bad thing. It means we’re growing – and hopefully, we’ll grow together.
Maybe you are also in your twenties, and you were hoping this article might help you decide whether to get married or not. My question for you, is – why?
Do your life choices reflect what you want, or what other people want? This applies to everything, not just marriage. Self-sabotage occurs by comparing ourselves to others and waiting for outer validation.
When my lover got down on one knee, he didn’t say, “Hey, friends and family, should she marry me?”
And I didn’t say, “Hold on a second,” and then get out my phone to Google national divorce statistics.
He simply asked, “Will you marry me?”
And I said, “Yes.”
Marriage is a choice between two people, to be made every day for the rest of life. I feel ready, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Love is all that matters. Embrace the way it lives for you.
Are we TOO young?
7 Steps for Loving Someone With a Mental Illness
Are you constantly worried about your partner’s mental illness? Are you afraid that things will never get better?
The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness this year. 1 in 17 people continue to live with chronic mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression. The chances are pretty high that you will fall in love with someone who suffers from a mental illness or mood disorder. It’s also extremely likely that you’ll both find unexpected obstacles on the road to happy endings. No love story is complete without a few bumps in the road, but mental illnesses can throw a lot of unexpected hurdles into the mix.
That said, I’m here to deliver good news.
Your relationship is not doomed. The very fact that you’re reading this article is a sign that you care deeply about your partner, and that is immensely valuable. You are taking time to do your research. That’s important. The more you know about mental illness, the better off you’ll be in overcoming it together.
More good news:
If your partner suffers from a mood disorder or mental illness, this does not make them weak. Behind every “I’m fine” lives a special kind of strength that’s not common for the average person. That said, If your partner is not aware of their own mental illness, or you feel they are endangering you or themselves, stop reading and help them find professional help immediately. If your partner is emotionally, mentally or physically abusive toward you, get as far away as possible.
This article is not meant to diagnose or treat mental illness. It’s about loving someone in active recovery. I’m going to assume, for the sake of this article, that your partner loves you and wants to make you happy. Your partner wants to overcome their illness. And they’re trying.
I’m trying.
The morning after a difficult night, my brain sounds a little like this: I feel so ashamed of my [meltdown/episode/panic attack/etc]. I wish he didn’t have to see that. I want to be better. I want to make my partner as happy as he makes me. I would love to go the rest of my life without this happening again…but what if it does? What if I never get better?
And then my partner wakes up and says he loves me. And I find strength. My mind discards my toxic thoughts and decides: I will keep fighting – for both of us. Opening my heart to my partner and committing to making him happy was the biggest decision I ever made. I worried my issues would make me unlovable, that it would become too much for him. I still deal with those fears. But time and time again, my partner proves me wrong. He reminds me that he’s in this, with me.
Mental illness has not made us weaker than the average couple. I think it’s made us stronger.
Now, you may be wondering –If your partner struggles being happy, how can you be happy together? If your lover is afraid to leave the house, how will you go on adventures? If they suffer panic attacks when you feel everything is going well, what’s going to happen when life throws in new challenges?
It’s a learning process. My partner didn’t always know how to cope, and in many ways we’re still learning. But in spite of the struggles we’ve faced, our relationship has been overwhelmingly happy.
Many people confuse need with neediness. Know the difference: If a person has an asthma attack, you give them an inhaler. If a person has a panic attack, the antidote is equally important. This may be my battle, but I’m not the only one fighting. And that has made all the difference.
As the partner of a person with a mental illness, you are also at war. Here are your weapons.
Step 1: Know your enemy.
Understand your partner’s illness – causes, symptoms, and recommended treatments. Most mental illnesses can be overcome. Your partner most likely isn’t “crazy” – they’re a regular person who needs help overcoming trauma or negative childhood programming. Understanding this can be the difference between alienating your partner and growing closer with them. If they go to therapy, show your support by encouraging them. Talk with them about what they’re going through. And if you both go to therapy, that’s even better. For your partner, knowing that you’ve got their back is a huge deal. And the more you know about the monster, the better equipped you’ll be to fight it. This means becoming familiar with your partners emotional triggers, coping strategies, and what they need in moments of crisis.
Step 2: Don’t leave your partner in the battlefield – but make some distance if you need to.
If you’ve graduated Step 1, you know what they’re dealing with. You understand the monumental effort it takes for them to cope with their pain, and you know that support from you is critical for their recovery. So if (or when) the battle gets too intense and you’re suddenly unable to cope, make it clear that you love them and that you’re not leaving. Then step away. Why? Read step 3.
Step 3: Take care of you.
To play on a team, all players need to develop their strength individually in order to work well as a unit. This is ultimately their battle. They know this. On airplanes, when the oxygen masks come down, you’re told to put yours on before helping anyone else. Here’s why: you can’t help anyone if you’re suffocating. Once you’re able to breathe again, you’re strong enough to assist your partner.
Step 4: Reassure them. A lot.
With anxiety and trauma-induced disorders especially, we worry. A lot. If you told your partner you loved them this morning, by the afternoon and they might be falling into a spiral of doubt. They may believe you when you say you love them, but certain mental illnesses can make it difficult to retain the feeling. It might feel ridiculous to reassure them so much, but it’s better to say ‘I love you’ too much than too little. Think of your relationship as an hourglass. Flip it over with reminders every once in a while, so the love keeps flowing.
Step 5: Don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay to give them space.
It’s important to separate yourself from their illness. If they’re unhappy because of you, you’ll know. But if they’re dealing with the symptoms of their mental illness, it’s not your job to feel responsible for it. I love my partner, but when I’m unhappy as a result of my illness, it actually makes it worse if he blames himself. Guilt and fear go hand in hand – one exacerbates the other. Your only job is to be supportive and understanding. Relationships are a two-way street, and you can’t do all the work, all the time. Just like drinkers at the pub like to say: know your limit, play within it. It’s not always your fault. Sometimes they need space to recover, just like you do. If you’re struggling with guilt, go back to Step 3 and repeat.
Step 6: Let your partner love you.
Your partner is not helpless. They can take care of you, too. Let them! Spend quality time together and see each other for what you are – two people in love. Mental illness is like having a physical ailment – if you spend every waking moment worrying about it, you miss out on life.
Step 7: L-I-V-E.
Mental illness thrives on fear. It eats fear for breakfast, it drinks fear at night. Lucky for us…Love is stronger than fear. In my favorite film, Harold and Maude, Maude says: “Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go!” All you can do is your best. Do that, and let love take care of the rest.
*Source: National Alliance on Mental Illness
Here is Why Some Couples Never Cheat
Wondering how and why some couples never tend to cheat on each other? Here is the answer.
Perceptual downgrading of attractive persons who can turn out to be potential threats may help in sustaining relationships from temptation and keep couples from cheating on one another, finds a new study.
The findings showed that to keep up a steady relationship, couples are likely to use an unconscious ‘turn-off’ mechanism where either partner perceptually downgrades individuals who can act as possible threats to their relationships, as less attractive than they really are.
Couples who are highly satisfied with their current partners are more likely to use this mechanism.
“Committed individuals see other potential partners as less attractive than other people see them, especially if they see the attractive person as a threat to their relationship and even more so if they’re happy with their partner”, said lead author Shana Cole, Assistant Professor at Rutgers University in the US.
Both men and women indulge in this protective bias called ‘perceptual downgrading’ and which helps couples’ maintain their commitment to their current partners.
“When people encounter an enticing temptation, one way to reduce its motivational pull is to devalue the temptation”, Cole added in the paper published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
“This study suggests that there are processes that may occur outside of conscious awareness to make it easier to stay committed to one’s partner”, she noted.
For the study, the team designed two studies. In the first study, the researchers told participants that they would be working with a very attractive person – who is either romantically unavailable or single.
They were shown the imaginary person’s face with its 10 morphed images and asked to pick the image that matched the original. The results shows that they consistently picked images morphed toward unattractiveness.
In the second study, the participants provided more information about their own romantic situations and the team described the imaginary person as single, and therefore, available.
Participants in relationships who thought the person was interested in dating found that person less attractive than individuals who were single.
People who were in relationships and were happy with their partners, perceived the imaginary person as less attractive than any other participant.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Play Together, Stay Together
When kids get bored, they can easily get into trouble. That’s why “go outside and play” is one of the more common phrases parents use. For kids, play is an opportunity to get centered, learn new things, and have fun in a constructive way. But for adults, the word “play” has come to mean something entirely different.
“I don’t play games,” says the woman trying to appear drama-free.
“I’m not a player,” says the man who wants to earn her trust.
“Play” for grown-ups sounds like the opposite of fun. But what if I told you that play can actually save your relationship? What if “acting like a child” made your grown-up problems easier to cope with?
Playing together might be the most mature decision you’ve make all day!
Too often, long-term couples smother themselves (and each other) by falling into boring routines. We work, we go home, eat dinner and watch the news, go to sleep, repeat. There’s simply no time for anything else. So we worry we aren’t having sex enough, or talking about our feelings enough. We talk ourselves out of intimacy, and it’s exhausting.
My favorite antidote for worry is play. Once play becomes a priority, sex and conversation might actually come easier. We all want less frustration and more intimacy. We’d all be happier with fewer wasted moments and more time together. You don’t have to wait for vacation. You can play where you are, right now.
Play is easy, it’s quick, and it’s free. There are a million ways to do it.
When you wake up in the morning, take 5 minutes for a cuddle party. Laugh at your puffy faces and messy hair. Race each other to the bathroom, and have a toothbrush karaoke party. Just be ridiculous. You might feel stupid at first, but that’s what play is: being goofy together, on purpose.
A serious relationship doesn’t actually have to be “serious” 24/7. Happiness doesn’t always appear on its own, so we play to manifest joy.
Challenge each other to do celebrity impressions in the shower. Try making something weird for breakfast. Do ten minutes of Kundalini yoga together – if you don’t know what that is, find a video on Youtube. Those breathing exercises can be pretty hilarious.
Embrace your childlike sense of humor. We may all be adults here, but none of us have to be old.
In the evening, make dinner together and pretend you’re on a cooking show. While you’re eating, ask each other to share embarrassing stories. And if you must watch something, make a game of that, too. My husband and I sometimes take turns picking Youtube videos, and it’s actually super fun! Any cool music you’ve heard, lately? How about the latest viral cat videos? Share the things that make you feel young, goofy, and alive together.
A silly game we like to play is something I call Mystery Records. You know those bins of $1 old records in thrift shops? I like to pick a few artists I’ve never heard of (cheesy matching sweaters on the album cover are definitely a plus), and then play them at home. This makes for some really random dance parties in our living room.
Feel free to create your own silly games. Maybe you could try inventing bizarre recipes using only what you have in your kitchen. Or you could assemble some ugly, dorky outfits and recreate some ‘awkward family photos’ in your dining room. Being weird together is infinitely more fun than being bored or stressed together.
Play doesn’t always require energy. Don’t feel pressure to be ‘fun’ all the time. Sometimes, we’re tired – and that’s okay.
At night, try putting your phones down and talk about things that make you happy. If you’re feeling passionate about a new project, say so! If your partner is doing a great job at work, congratulate them. Share the dumbest jokes you’ve heard all week. Talk yourselves to sleep about the things that make you smile.
Today, if you find yourselves talking in circles about whatever’s bothering you, take a pause for play. This doesn’t mean ignoring your problems; it’s just making them easier to approach later. There are a multitude of possibilities for play in the time you spend together. Trying just one of these things can lead you to even more ideas for creating joy.
When kids get bored or frustrated, we tell them to go play. Deep down, you’re just two kids in love, aren’t you? So go outside, get out of your heads, and play.