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How Much Sex is Healthy?

April 8, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Sex

Dancing the Horizontal Mambo

As a sexual addiction and intimacy disorders specialist, I am often asked about the frequency of sex. Couples want to know what is “healthy.” Usually, they’re afraid they’re either having way too much sex or not nearly enough. Either way, it’s a legitimate concern that can easily lead to stress, anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues and even the end of an otherwise successful relationship. A quick online search will bring up a huge volume of statistics — most of them not scientifically generated — regarding the frequency of sex among long-term, committed couples. The numbers presented in these “studies” vary widely, depending on the source and what the author is trying to promote. So in this instance, Google, Yahoo, Bing and similar search engines are somewhat useless.

Probably the best source for scientifically reliable data on this topic comes fromGeneral Social Survey, which has tracked American sexual behaviors since the 1970s. According to the GSS, married couples have sex an average of 58 times per year. However, this number lumps 25-year-old newlyweds into the same pool as senior citizens who’ve celebrated their golden anniversary, and it does not include unmarried long-term couples. There may or may not be much difference in the sexual behaviors of married and unmarried committed couples, but there is almost certainly a difference between young newlyweds and their grandparents, which means the 58 times per year number is not overly-meaningful. Recent GSS surveys support this assertion, showing that couples in their 20s have sex 111 times per year on average, with frequency dropping steadily, about 20 percent per decade, as couples age. In other words, young couples have sex slightly more than twice per week on average, with the number declining steadily over time.

OMG! My Numbers Are Off!

If you just read the statistics provided above and thought, “Uh-oh, there is something wrong with me/us,” you’re not alone. Maybe you and your partner have done it 10 times this week and it’s only Tuesday, or maybe you’ve not been physically intimate since your neighbor’s last Fourth of July party. Either way, there is no need to freak out. You’re not necessarily hyper-sexed if you’re well above the norm, nor are you automatically under-sexed if you’re far below the norm. Human sexual arousal patterns cut a very wide swath in terms of what people like to do and how often they like to do it. And frequency of sexual arousal and behavior can be influenced by any number of factors, including:
• Age
• Life circumstances
• Physical and emotional health
• Medications
• Having children at home
• Hormonal imbalance
• Recent losses and grief
• Substance use and abuse
• Workload and stress
• Relationship status
• A history of previous trauma or abuse
• Diminished physical attraction and a corresponding lack of intimacy
• Secrets and lack of relationship trust

The simple truth is that everyone is different and there is not a “norm” for sexual behavior. Some people are heterosexual; others are homosexual or bisexual. Some people are into a fetish or kink; others are relatively “vanilla.” Some people like to get it on a lot; others can take it or leave it. That’s the way it is, that’s who we are and there is nothing inherently right or wrong with any of it. As long as your sexual behavior (or lack of it) isn’t illegal, affecting your self-esteem, troubling to your relationship or leading to negative life consequences, why worry?

Sexless and Happy? Really? Sure. Maybe.

People who are having a lot of sex are usually pretty OK with that. Typically, they only worry about things if they are sexually addicted and their carnal compulsivity is causing problems. Frankly, most couples who worry about frequency of sex tend to fear their frequency is significantly below the curve, so to speak. This is especially true for couples who qualify as “sexless.”

Generally speaking, a sexless marriage is one in which a committed couple has sex less than 10 times per year. About 15 to 20 percent of long-term couples fall into this category. This may or may not be an issue, depending on the couple. Some couples, especially older pairs who’ve been together a long time, are perfectly fine with once or twice a year or even not at all, thank you very much. Not having sex doesn’t mean these couples aren’t deeply in love, monogamously committed and happy together. It just means that sex isn’t as high a priority for them as it is for some of their friends, neighbors or people they see on TV and in the movies.

That said, many couples do find infrequent sex to be an issue. In fact, numerousstudies have shown that lack of sex corresponds directly with marital instability and thoughts of leaving a relationship. Sometimes one person’s sex drive just doesn’t match his or her partner’s sex drive. This issue often arises in couples counseling. Sometimes both partners want to be sexual, but one (or both) is not interested in sex with his or her spouse. This can be caused by any number of factors, including lingering resentments, lack of emotional intimacy, diminished physical attraction, differing sexual interests, etc. Lack of sexual interest may also be the result of an underlying psychological condition such as depression, anxiety, drug or alcohol addiction, a behavioral addiction, low self-esteem, unresolved childhood trauma, an attachment deficit disorder, etc. And there is always the possibility that one partner may be having an affair. Let’s face it: If a person is getting his or her sexual needs met on the side (with regular porn use or in-vivo), he or she is likely to be less interested in sex at home.

Should You Be Worried?

Happily, less sex does not automatically equate to less love, happiness and fulfillment. For most couples, especially those who’ve been together for a number of years, companionship, reliability and a sense of mutual trust are far more meaningful than a lot of hot, sweaty sex. Sure, there are couples out there who’ve been married for 30 years who’re still hot for each other, and good for them. For the rest of us, our libidos tend to droop in tandem with our aging body parts. Diminishing hormone levels, the aging process
and the distractions of life tend to lower our sex drives (and our ability to perform), and there’s not a whole lot we can do about it.

Of course, if you and your partner have gone several weeks or even months without sex and the lack of activity is troubling you, you may want to consider some changes. Usually a little bit of effort is enough to revive a flagging sex life, especially if the emotional connection between you and your partner remains strong. Often in such cases the real issue is that things have gone a little stale. If you find that to be the case in your relationship, try one or more of the following tips:

• Schedule it. Sure, this sounds horribly unromantic, but really it’s quite the opposite. Setting aside and committing to a time to be emotionally and physically intimate gives you and your partner something to look forward to. Plan a relaxing shower and mutual massage as part of foreplay. After all, who doesn’t look forward to a massage? Couples who search together for the right scent of massage oil are off to a great start.
• Mix it up. Perhaps you’ve always had that special secret fantasy, but you’ve never mentioned it or acted on it. Now is the time to talk about it with your partner. Who knows, maybe he or she is willing to try it. And be sure to ask about his or her secret fantasy. It might be a turn-on for you, too. Just make sure that if you both say yes, you really mean to say yes. No regrets, please.
• Go away. If you’ve always done it in the bedroom, try the kitchen, or a hotel, or a cruise ship, or a cabin in the woods. It’s amazing what a little change of venue can do for a stale sex life. Many couples take frequent weekends or holidays just for this purpose.
• Be romantic. Give your partner a gift “just because.” Write a list of things you love about your partner and give it to him or her. Plan a surprise date that involves an activity you know your partner enjoys (even if it’s not your favorite thing to do). Take your art-lover wife to a museum, your sports-junkie husband to a pro football game.

It is also important to recognize that you and your partner can be physically intimate without actually having sex. Holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, cuddling, spooning, massage and just taking the time to listen to your loved one’s feelings can all serve to build emotional closeness. Plus, all of the above are terrific forms of sexual foreplay should you wish to go all the way.

Still Striking Out?

If you’ve tried the above tips and things still aren’t happening, you may want to seek the assistance of a medical doctor and/or a couple’s counselor. It is wise to rule out any potential physical or medical problems before considering relationship-based or psychological issues. If the problem is physical- – erectile dysfunction, for instance — medication may help. If it turns out the problem is not medical/physical, trained sex therapists can talk you through the emotional and psychological issues that may be holding you back. These caring professionals can be found via websites likewww.aasect.org.

The most important thing to remember here is that sex is not the be-all, end-all in relationships. Yes, it is a healthy way for couples to bond emotionally. As such, a regular sex life can be an important contributor to overall health and happiness. That said, non-genital touch, massage, hugs, holding, talking and emotional intimacy are every bit as effective as sex in terms of developing closeness and relationship trust. They just come without any fireworks at the end. As long as both partners in a relationship are open about their feelings and physical needs and both are satisfied with the frequency and quality of their sexuality, the couple can not only survive, but thrive.

Curated by Erbe

Original Article

Reasons to Have More Sex

April 9, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Sex

Ok, you don’t really need reasons, but we’ve got a few anyway! Sex isn’t just pleasurable, there are numerous physical and mental health benefits that come with it. So what are you waiting for? Follow these instructions and get busy!

Why Foreplay is So Important

April 9, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Sex

You and your partner are relaxing together on a Saturday night. One person gets horny, and suddenly things start to heat up.

Once the clothes come off, don’t just have sex right away. You have to be intimate with your partner and let it happen naturally. Enjoy the buildup to sex; engage in foreplay.

Foreplay not only helps you get more intimate with your partner, but also makes things lively in bed. It’s something both you and your partner should have fun with. Whether it’s cuddling, touching, or kissing, foreplay is important because it makes sex more enjoyable.

Foreplay is about building an emotional connection and getting the excitement going, according to Everyday Health.

Being emotionally connected to your partner can give you some of the best feelings ever, and the intimacy will bring you both closer to one another once you’re done. If you and your partner never discussed what you both like and don’t like sexually, then talking about it will make things easier. When you establish what you want, then foreplay should become fun for both you and your partner.

Once you both talk about what you specifically want from each other, go all the way with it. Kiss your partner all over their body. Touch the spots of their body that make them tingle inside. Experiment with each other.

What would sex be without foreplay? I’m pretty sure it would be boring. If you and your partner neglect to engage in foreplay, then you should consider getting into it if the sex isn’t that good.

Before sex, you want to make sure that you are really aroused.You and your partner should probably do everything sexual to keep the excitement going. However, you don’t have to do this for hours (unless you really need it). A few minutes or more is all it should take to get both of you aroused.

Without foreplay, it would just be a “quickie” instead of long-lasting, amazing sex. If you skip out on foreplay, then you’re missing out on the “warmup” to good sex. Foreplay is like the buildup to the finale in a good movie. It makes the climax better. Not to say that your expectations of foreplay should be similar to my analogy, but it should feel special to everyone in some way.

So don’t be afraid to do sexual things with your partner. If you both know what you want, then engage in foreplay before sex. If you don’t, you’re missing out on what could be really exciting for both you and your partner. Sex should be great for both of you and foreplay is just the beginning of what could turn out amazingly.

Curated by Erbe

Original Article

The Way You Understand Your Sex Drive Is Wrong

April 10, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Sex

Most people fundamentally misunderstand sexual desire, Emily Nagoski writes in her new book, Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, mistakenly thinking that spontaneous desire — an urge for sex that comes seemingly out of nowhere — is the default mode of arousal.

But for many people, and perhaps especially (though not exclusively!) for women, it just doesn’t work that way.

Nagoski elaborated in a recent interview with New Scientist:

If sex is a drive then desire should be spontaneous, like a hunger. When you see a sexy person or have a stray sexy thought, it activates an internal craving or urge for sex. That’s called “spontaneous desire”. It feels like it comes out of the blue. But there is another way of experiencing desire which is also healthy and normal, called “responsive desire”, where your interest only emerges in response to arousal. So, your partner comes over and starts kissing your neck and you’re like, “oh, right, sex, that’s a good idea”.

Nagoski further explains, “A drive is a motivational system to deal with life-or-death issues, like hunger or being too cold. You’re not going to die if you don’t have sex.”

And the distinction is important, Nagoski said, because those who don’t often experience spontaneous desire may secretly worry that something is wrong with them, a mode of thinking that does not exactly help to put one in the mood. “Spontaneous desire is totally fun,” Nagoski said to New Scientist. “But you’re not broken just because you’re not experiencing it.”

Curated by Michael

Original Article

5 Minute Sex Therapy for the Busy Woman

April 10, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Sex

We’ve all, at some point, gone through a rough patch in our sex lives.

You may have confessed your struggles to your girlfriends over brunch (à la “Sex and the City”), or you may have kept this to yourself. Even if you were brave enough to ask your friends for advice, they are not licensed professionals in this area.

I sat down with Dr. Teesha Morgan, Vancouver-based Sex Therapist and Couples Counselor, armed with questions from the busy women that I connect with throughSecondhand Therapy. I was determined to nab some insights that would help everybody out.

What is the most common issue in sex therapy for couples that are in long-term relationships?

Dr. Teesha revealed that the number one struggle for couples who come to her with intimacy issues is that one person has a higher libido that the other. Couples come to her wanting to know that there is hope down the road for resolving this.

At the beginning of the relationship, Dr. Teesha explains, there is a honeymoon stage. It can feel devastating to couples when they have moved past this initial stage, but Dr. Teesha helps them to see that there are many other stages of intimacy that they will go through within their relationship. Some couples require a professional to help guide them through the next stages of physical intimacy.

How do you start to address differences in sex drive?

“Intimacy is a broad spectrum,” Dr. Teesha stated. This spectrum extends both inside and outside of the bedroom.

Having goals and expectations for ourselves in the bedroom can set us up for failure. Approaching physical intimacy with the mindset of, “What can we create today?” has been liberating for many couples that she works with.

She also explains that women tend to need foreplay before they start to feel desire or drive. Masters & Johnson created the linear framework of the Sexual Response Cycle, but it was a model based mainly on the male sex drive. It turns out that for most women, desire/drive comes AFTER foreplay (based on research by Rosemary Basson). This means that most women need our partner to initiate foreplay in order for the desire to have sex kicks in. It is therefore crucial to communicate with our partners what we consider foreplay.

If couples are really struggling to re-connect, she will walk them through a series ofsensate focus exercises, which encourage couples to focus on various sensations. These exercises progress through G-rated to the R-rated sense-based experiences. Couples pause to re-evaluate their feelings and reactions at each stage.

How do you get past seeing sex as one more obligation that you have to fulfill?

Dr. Teesha tackled this question from a few different angles.

First, she referred to Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and explained that if our “love tank” is empty, sex can start to feel like an obligation. This requires that our partner understands our primary love language: acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, physical affection or quality time.

Second, women tend to “view sex as something that they are doing for someone else.” If we are able to shift our mindset to view sex (or physical intimacy) as something pleasurable we are doing for ourselves, this can shift the power dynamic for couples. Sex becomes less about the giving and more about experiencing pleasure for ourselves.

Why are vibrators for women and porn for men such a big deal for so many straight, monogamous couples?

There can be a lot of shame attached, according to Dr. Teesha, especially stemming from family, culture and religion. Once we work past the shame, there are some considerations about the impact on the relationship.

Dr. Teesha encourages couples to consider if they are using it as a substitute. If so, why and what is the intention? Has this become a problem in the relationship?

If there is a major dissonance between what we are using to get turned on in private and what is happening in the bedroom, there is opportunity for a wedge to be created within the relationship.

Is there one major indicator that determines if a couple will make it?

I wasn’t sure if Dr. Teesha would point to a sex-related indicator, but I figured she would have a lot of insight after working with so many couples.

It turns out that she would want to see the couple fight. She explains, it’s not if we are fighting, it’s how we fight that determines the success of the relationship.

She refers to the book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver, and their concept of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Gottman and Silver teach that if an argument is escalated using one of the four horseman (criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling), this can introduce a toxicity to a relationship that will make it difficult for it to survive long-term.

What if we have tried everything and are still struggling?

Some couples get caught in a cycle and need professional intervention to move past an issue. A licensed professional can help to mediate and also help to determine if this is something to be worked through individually or as a couple. According to Dr. Teesha, 25% of the couples that come in to see her, a red flag comes up during their initial interview and she ends of doing a series of one-on-one sessions with an individual.

A sex therapist has specific and tangible tools to deal with certain things that a regular family counsellor would not necessarily have. For example, most family therapists would not be trained in specific techniques to deal with something like premature ejaculation.

A call to action!

If any of this information has challenged your perspective or assumptions, make sure you discuss this with your significant other. If you are having trouble communicating, consider working with a licensed professional to help you navigate these delicate conversations.

Curated by Erbe

Original Article

9 Wordless Ways Someone Says, “I Love You”

April 13, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

Longing to hear, “I love you” from someone special? Try watching his or her body language instead. Some 60 to 90 percent of the meaning of our communication is delivered nonverbally — and in romantic situations, this jumps to 99 percent, says anthropologist David Givens, director of the Center for Nonverbal Studies in Spokane, Washington, and author of Love Signals.

“When it comes to emotions, our bodies do the talking more than words,” Givens says.

Here are nine surprising (and wordless) ways the body telegraphs, “I love you.”

Love sign #1: Shoulder rolls or shrugs

Who knew the shoulders were one of the more expressive parts of the body? Thanks to their rounded shape, smooth skin, and ability to move — shrugging, lifting, rolling — the shoulders are able to convey emotional nuances remarkably well, Givens says. Rolling a shoulder, in particular, reads as a gesture of affection or flirtatiousness.

Unlike some other large muscles, the upper trapezius has special “gut reactive” visceral nerves that are sensitive to your emotions. (Think about how your shoulders sag in defeat and shake when you cry.) The biceps, as a contrasting example, rely on somatic nerves, which help those muscles do intentional tasks, like lift weights. “The biceps aren’t very emotionally expressive,” Givens notes.

(Ladies, try a sleeveless top on that big date to help your shoulders do the talking.)

Love sign #2: Mirroring your actions

You splay your right fingers around your coffee cup; so does he. You take a sip; he takes a sip. Anthropologists call this synchrony of actions “isopraxism” (iso being Greek for “same” andpraxism meaning “behavior”). Couples tend to do this unconsciously as they fall in love; their bodies can’t help themselves.

Mirroring behaviors are a strong element in the courtship rituals of all animals that use courtship, Givens says. A female mallard hen, for example, swims close to her male target and bobs her heads in the water until he copies her, and they do this back and forth until they mate. The behavior demonstrates that neither is threatening to the other, allowing them to get closer.

“The more alike you are, the more you like each other,” Givens says. “It strengthens your bond.”

Love sign #3: Locked eyes

If an object of attraction gazes deep into your eyes, your heart just may skip a beat. Eye contact is a potent emotional link — in ordinary circumstances, both parties feel a strong urge to break a gaze after three seconds. (People make less eye contact when they dislike each other, feel intimidated, or disagree.)

But if you like someone, you tend to hold the gaze for an extra few beats without even being aware of it. This says, “I’m really, really interested in you.”

Like most of the nonverbal communications that express love to other adults, the tendency to gaze long and hard at a beloved is rooted in the caring ways that parents treat children, Givens says. Mothers tend to gaze longer at babies than adults because they’re so interested in them and need to be attentive to them; in this way we grow up associating a long gaze with love.

Love sign #4: Sitting close by

Does your loved one move in close to you — maybe your hips touch when you sit side by side, or your knees knock into his or hers when you sit across from each other?

“Reducing the distance between you and the other person is a strong way our bodies send a message of love,” says Jamie Comstock, a professor of communication at Butler University in Indianapolis.

Someone in love almost can’t help the urge to be physically near his or her object of affection. When you’re drawn to someone, it’s almost literal: Often the body knows the attraction before any words of love have been exchanged, Comstock says.

Love sign #5: Head tilts

When you’re talking, watch your listener. Does he or she cock his or her head, either to the left or right? In a friendship, a tilted head fosters rapport. In courtship, it reads as flirtatiousness.

Leaning the head toward the shoulder connotes harmlessness and submissiveness, the Center for Nonverbal Studies’ David Givens says, which makes the relationship “softer.” As with the shoulder muscles, the muscles involved in tilting the head are controlled by visceral nerves, which are equipped to reflect emotion. A tilted head is a gesture that adds warmth and immediacy to the dialogue between you. Subtle? Yes. But like many aspects of body language, these cues speak volumes about the relationship.

Love sign #6: A fingertip caress

Being lightly, casually touched — on your shoulder, your forearm, the back of your neck, a little side hug — instantly registers in the brain as warmth and reassurance.

The emotional centers of the brain register touch more quickly than messages that come through the language center, Givens says. The touch doesn’t have to be long to register as warm and reassuring. (This kind of touch is different from having breasts or genitals touched in a nonsexual situation, which sends a confusing message rather than a simple “I love you.”)

“The presence of touch is a sign of affection because it sends a message of inclusion: I want to be closer to you,” says Butler University’s Jamie Comstock. “You can say, ‘I love you’ 30 times a day, but if you only touch the person minimally — rarely hug, kiss, or show appropriate physical affection — that ‘I love you’ will ring pretty hollow to him or her,” she says.

Best of all, touching is a shared message: “The fingertips are extremely sensitive to touch, so you get a good message right back,” Givens says.

Love sign #7: Rapid eye blinking

Is she batting her eyelashes at you? Does he look especially vulnerable and cute — because he’s blinking? The normal rate of eye blinking in humans is 20 times a minute. Faster blinking indicates emotional stress — such as when the person is attracted.

“We blink faster when excited because eyelid movements reflect bodily arousal levels established by the brain stem’s reticular activating system (RAS),” Givens says. The result: a chain reaction. Emotions from the limbic system stimulate the RAS to act on the brain to release the chemical dopamine in a part of the midbrain connected to the eyes.

A warning about reading the right message into this signal, though: A faster blink rate is also triggered when the speaker is lying.

Love sign #8: A warm smile

Smiles warm our hearts — but not any old smile is a sign of affection. What to look for: a genuine smile (called a “zygomatic smile”), the kind that can’t easily be faked because it’s produced not on demand but by pure emotion. In heartfelt smiles, the zygomaticus muscles are strongly contracted, so that corners of the mouth curve upward and the outer corners of the eyes wrinkle into crow’s feet. Pay attention to the eyes: In a genuine smile, they tend to be crinkled more tightly.

The face is more expressive than any other part of the body because all facial muscles are controlled by visceral nerves, which are connected to emotions. Some people say they can see their dog or cat smile, but these animals have little facial flexibility compared with our evolutionary kin the primates, who developed this ability in order to communicate. Reptiles, in comparison, can’t move their features at all, save to open their mouths.

Love sign #9: A higher-pitched and softer voice than usual

Notice how a parent talks to a child: The voice takes on a slightly higher, warmer tone — not loud, no edge to it. This same love-infused relationship is the model for the tone that people in love use. It’s a softer pitch than usual. “It’s innately friendly,” Given says, “and suggests a nonaggressive, nonhostile pose.”

That doesn’t mean that if your crush isn’t speaking to you in baby talk or falsetto, he or she doesn’t love you. The tone of a voice in love isn’t that exaggerated. It’s simply more loving.

The tone of voice is so important — and so revealing — because we “hear” the way words are delivered separately from how we process the words themselves. Tone of voice carries both emotion (love, hate, anger) and social information (sarcasm, superiority).

In fact, humans are so good at reading voices that you should probably trust what you hear in the tone more than the words themselves — especially when that “I love you” rolls off the tongue of the object of your affection. Comstock says, “When there’s a discrepancy between the words and the tone” — whether it’s detached, monotonal, defensive, sarcastic — “people believe the nonverbal.”

Curated by Erbe

Original Article

How Sex Can Help You Live Longer

April 15, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin Sex

Sex feels fabulous at any age. But what’s not as well known is that a regular roll in the hay can also add up to eight years to your life expectancy. Yes! You heard right. By burning some calories in the bedroom, you can add some more years to live.

Studies show that having sexual intercourse regularly improves hormone levels, heart health and brain power and revs up your immune system, so you can hold on to your youth while you enjoy yourself. Research shows that the more orgasms you have, the longer you can expect to live. Being bad was never so good, right?

Aim for orgasm

It’s not just the amount of sex you’re having that counts when it comes to adding years to your life – it is the quality, too. A study discovered that a powerful orgasm is equivalent to a shot of Valium, a drug that relieves bodily stress, and works as a good relaxant. Added to that, it can also increase the body’s infection-fighting cells by up to 20%

Several studies have shown that happily married couples are likely to live longer than singles or those who are in negative relationships. Even more impressive is the fact that having regular orgasms make men twice as likely to live into old age as those who don’t have sex, and women to live up to eight years longer.

Also women who have two orgasms a week are up to 30% less likely to develop heart diseases.

So, make the most of it and boost your orgasm potential by investing in a good sexual intercourse.

Years added +08

intimate young couple during foreplay in bed

Time to cuddle up

Cuddling up to your partner isn’t just an enjoyable aspect of good sex – it also helps to release the ‘bonding hormone’ Oxytocin, which has been linked to life expectancy.

Research has found that Oxytocin can dramatically boost longevity. So, people who are in good relationships are less vulnerable to chronic diseases and even depression.

So, make the most of it by cuddling up with your lover after sex. This will also add intimacy to your relationship. A sensual massage, lots of stroking and intimate touches will help you go a long way in keeping your relationship alive. Also, studies show that Oxytocin is produced in greater quantities with a familiar partner.

Years added +07

Cook up a storm

To enjoy good sex, it helps if you’re in the mood — which is why brain chemicals are so important. A lack of desire is the result of a reduction in one of the four brain chemicals – Dopamine, Acetylcholine, GABA and Serotonin. To get them up to speed again, certain herbs and spices can also help.

For Dopamine, which enhances mood and confidence, try basil, black pepper, chillies, cumin, garlic, ginger and turmeric. Acetylcholine helps improve alertness and focus so try all-spice, basil, peppermint, sage and thyme. GABA, a natural anti-depressant, is found in alcohol, so just one or two glasses of red wine will do the trick. Serotonin boosts happiness and relaxation, so try turkey, bananas and chocolate.

So, make the most of it by cooking up a light vegetable curry served with saffron rice to get you in the mood.

Years added +10

Work up a sweat

Exercise helps keep you fit. It also improves circulation and muscle tone and staves off the ageing process. Good news is that sex provides almost all the same benefits as regular exercise, without having to hit the treadmill. It increases circulation and metabolism and burns about 30 calories for 20 minutes of reasonably active sex. That means in an hour you’ve burnt off a glass of wine or a couple of biscuits.

Middle-aged women who have weekly sex have been found to have twice the bone-protecting Oestrogen levels of those who don’t.

So, make the most of it by keeping sex fun by trying new positions. If you always do it in missionary, speed up your heart rate by going on top for a change.

Years added +10

More, more, more!

It really is a case of use it or lose it. And having sex at least once a week will keep your hormones, heart and brain in top condition. And the more you have, the better the benefits. Men who have sex three or more times a week reduce their risk of heart attack or stroke by 50%. It’s largely a myth that sex can trigger heart attacks, but if you’re worried, don’t overdo the aerobics and you’ll still get the benefit of powerful relaxation hormones. Regular sex releases ‘feel good’ Endorphins at any age, as well as easing stress.

Years added +2

6 Practices to Awaken Your Inner Tantric Lover

April 16, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin Mind, Sex

We are all born Tantric lovers, because we are all born as divine, loving pure presence.

When most people think of Tantra, they think of the Kama Sutra and a host of awkward sex positions that seem unattainable even to the well-practiced yogi. Many think Tantra is all about sex.

Yes sexuality is a part of Tantra, because Tantra is Love; Tantra is Life. So sexuality obviously falls under this broad category.

Tantra is love. Tantra is connection, presence and conscious relating to one’s self and to another. Tantra combines spirituality and sexuality as a platform to deepen into self-understanding and empowerment, and is a sacred path walked by many.

Living a Tantric life unveils gateways to balancing and integrating our masculine and feminine energies, in order to feel whole again. To feel connected to our truth and infused with copious amounts of love and acceptance. A Tantric life allows one to see the divine and sacred in every living being and experience.

Exploring Tantra also creates space to shine light and heal shame, guilt and suppression — embedded in our society around our sexuality, where the seat of our personal power and creative gifts lie.

So how does one become a Tantric lover?

Bringing Tantra into your life means inviting in more love and presence. And yes, this includes your sex life as well.

Below are six tips on how to infuse the sacred in the bedroom and awaken the Tantric Lover within:

1. Think of love making as a sacred ritual.

Shift your perception from “having sex” to “making love and co-creating with the divine.” Set up your bedroom as a sacred space; a temple. Create an altar in your bedroom with things that are special to you both; things that support the growth of each other and the highest good of all. Add special photos of the two of you, sacred books or other objects for manifestation purposes. Light candles and burn incense. Create a beautiful, nurturing and sensual space.

2. Meditate and set intentions before love making.

Before engaging in love making, take time to sit in meditation together while facing each other. Call forth your highest selves and offer your bodies up to a higher power. Imagine energy forming around the two of you individually, as well as around the both of you. Envision a third co-creative field being created.

Set intentions for the journey together and ask yourselves what you want to offer up to the divine through this act of love making between your bodies. Set clear intentions — individually and collectively — for the relationship.

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How To Be Dominant In The Bedroom

April 17, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin Sex

Chances are, your man likes a woman in charge.

Learning how to be dominant in the bedroom is something that I think everyone should learn. While it’s not one of the usual techniques that I teach in the Bad Girl’s Bible, it can help to expand your horizons in the bedroom and help to give you more ideas as to what’s possible with your man. (If you want to learn my best dirty talking tips and techniques for building sexual tension and turning him on, you’ll find them in this powerful video) With this in mind, I want to give you 4 tips on how to be more dominant in the bedroom with your man. I’m going to start easy and then progress to tips that take a bit more effort and courage to try.

There Is Both A Physical & Mental Aspect
The first thing that comes to most people’s minds when they think about being dominant in the bedroom is usually whips and chains. This is certainly a whole lot of fun when dominating your partner, but it’s not always necessary and is on the extreme side of domination. There are much more subtle and sometimes more powerful ways to be dominant over your partner. These range from simply saying something subtle to him like, “I really like it when you do things for me,” to being a bit more aggressive by saying something like, “I’m going to decide when you get to orgasm.”

Beautiful Lesbian Flirting Couple On The Sofa.

But that’s just the verbal aspect of being dominant. There is also the physical aspect. This can be something small like giving him some soft, subtle spanks during sex or it can be on the more extreme end, like insisting on woman-on-top sex positions only or even giving him some very dominant oral sex. Speaking of which, if you are looking for my best advice on how to give your man great oral sex, then you should check out this very detailed video tutorial.

Start With A Dominant Sexual Position
Probably the easiest way to introduce being more dominant into the bedroom is through what positions you use during sex. Instead of the usual positions like missionary and doggystyle, where your man is on top and the one in control, try switching to positions where you’re on top and calling the shots.

The obvious position that comes to mind for this is cowgirl, where your man is on his back and you are on top of him, straddling him, but there are other great positions for dominating your man too. These include positions like sofa surprise, where your man is sitting down on a sofa, couch or chair and you straddle him. In this position it’s very hard for him to go anywhere and again, you are the one that’s in control. Now that we have covered some of the physical things, it’s time to learn some of the verbal aspects of dominating your man.

Start To Command
One of the biggest hurdles to dominating your man is that he may start to feel emasculated. If this is the case, then he may try to rebel to try and regain control. The best way to prevent this is to takes things slowly and build up to being more and more dominating. I give you lots of examples of this in this instructional presentation here. So start with giving him small verbal commands and asking him to do favors for you, “Would you mind taking out the trash?” or “Can you go and warm up the bed for me?” or “I want you to make me come first, before you do, okay?” All of these commands are things that are very hard for your man to object to, but they are perfect for laying the groundwork of being more dominant over him.

Once you have mastered using these subtle dominant commands over him, then it’s time to start slowly taking it up a gear and being more demanding of him, “I want to spend the weekend with you, don’t make any plans, okay?” or “I don’t want you wearing that football shirt anymore” or “From now on, you need to ask me for permission to come when we’re having sex.” If you find that it’s hard to get your man to comply with these more intense commands, then it’s best to reel them back a bit, before trying again.

Domination Games
Some of the example commands that I just gave you are quite intense and can be further than you may want to take it with your man. If you are someone who really only wants to dominate your man in the bedroom, then these domination games may very well be up your alley.

Not A Sound: The next time you are having sex with your man, tell him that you want to play a game. Tell him that you want to try to make him groan with pleasure, but that he isn’t allowed to make a sound. It’s an incredibly simple game to play, but a perfect way to start introducing the idea to him that you are the one in control.
Pin Him Down: Physically restraining your man can be very hot. Now, I’m not actually talking about pinning his arms over his head with your arms, I’m talking about taking it a little further than that, tying his arms above his head. The best way to introduce this is to simply ask him if he would be interested in trying it out and then getting whatever restraints you need.

Surprising him with some rope and restraints is not such a good idea and can unnerve him, so remember that it’s always better to talk to him about it first.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Improve Your Sex Life

April 17, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin Sex

Wondering what foods can actually make for better sex? Then look no further. We have all the dishes that can crank up the heat in bed and can provide the spark to your lackluster sexual appetite and increase your libido. Take a look.

4 Keys to Sexual Mastery

April 22, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin Sex

How much sex will make you a master?

It can be a long, hard, slow, exquisite road to sexual mastery. One that, according to Malcolm Gladwell’s ideas on developing expertise in anything, takes 10,000 hours to travel.

If you are adhering to my weekly sex date rule, and Dr. Oz’s 200 orgasms a year prescription—even better if they are 4-hour orgasms—and you throw in a monthly sex weekend, you will be well on your way.

Self-pleasuring counts. As does reading, discussion, fantasy-sharing, phone sex, webcam adventures and the like.

Even still, you may need to up your commitment to sexual mastery. Given that the study is such a rewarding one, leading to genius, immortality, radiant health and spiritual ascension, it is time very well spent.

Here are some suggestions to hone your talents and release what lies within:

1) Study.

Their lips. Their eyes. Their breath. The shape, texture, taste and scent of every inch of them.

“I never knew I wanted to be a geographer until I saw your body.” ~ Autumn Sonnichshen

As you pause and linger over every nuance of your lover, you truly see them. That level of nakedness and vulnerability is the key to the hottest and most life-changing sex possible.

When you focus your attention so that you are present to every energetic fluctuation in between you, you slow down time. Your lovemaking becomes an intuitive dance rather than a pre-choreographed strategy.

2) Absorb their wisdom.

Yes. Every ounce of it.

Sexual fluids are potent elixirs. They are infused with your concentrated yin and yang essences. Ingesting them has a profoundly balancing and nourishing effect.

Ancient cultures collected male and female ejaculate to imbibe after an encounter: a power drink, if you will. Ditch the Red Bull and save a ton of money on those superfoods you love so much: you can harvest your own! Bottoms up, kids.

The act of devouring all aspects of your lover: literally drinking them in, is healing and bonds you more deeply.

3) Mentor under someone you admire.

The quality of admiration is overlooked in relationship. If I look back at the people I have been with, the degree to which I admired them—truly respected who they were and their contributions to the world—is the degree to which I have utterly succumbed.

Use admiration as your barometer for desire.

When you are with such a person, mentor under, on top of, on your knees and prostate with them.

I could go on and on: the possibilities are truly endless. It’s up to you to discover them.

4) Getting in The Zone.

You’ve probably had the experience of getting into “The Zone” in some part of your life. It’s that area where everything flows naturally, often found in sports, physical activity (like yoga!) or a creative act. We tap into a space where we are uncensored, natural and preternaturally gifted, even genius, at what we are engaged with.

Aim for this in your sex life: both in your emotional connection with your partner and physically.

Keep going until you get there. If you approach every conversation and sexual act as an experience that can bring you transcendence, then you will breakthrough to the other side into “The Zone.” It is here that what you’ve created takes on a life of its own.

Think of it like going running when you haven’t been out in a while. The first fifteen minutes can be grueling and feel like every lift of your leg is work. After a while, the run begins to carry you. (That, and the endorphins—much like sex).

It can be like this with sticky conversations that need to be had. At first, it feels awkward and clunky. Then you get some momentum going and you slide into a beautiful, intimate, raw space with each other. This is the golden zone.

It happens in physical sex too—you may take 15 or 30 minutes to truly find your rhythm with each other, but when you do, aim to stay there as long as possible.

This is where you learn from the act: it becomes your teacher. You begin to channel a flow and internal wisdom (your body knows) that comes from the deepest parts of you.

The best lovers aren’t made through a series of books and classes (though they don’t hurt). They are grown through the deepening of awareness, fearlessness and the ability to stay present in each moment.

Uncover. Get naked. Explore. Follow the flow.

And those 10,000 hours will pass by in the blink of an eye.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

5 Sex Positions Women Love

April 23, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin Sex

Positions that feel great and ease back pain? Let’s go!

When it comes to sex, positioning is key — and the more sex positions you have in your arsenal, the better.

Of course, your sexual positions have to ensure that your girl enjoys herself, so comfort is key, especially if she suffers from regular back pain. Besides, who wants to get a cramp or feel like their kneecap’s breaking all in the name of an orgasm?

A recent study (the first of its kind) carried out at Waterloo University focused on how the spine moves during sex and tried to find the best positions that will please your partner and ease her back pain.

Basically, if your lady experiences pain after sitting for a long time, she’s flexion-intolerant, and side-by-side or doggy-style are the way to go. If, on the other hand, she feels pain when she arches her back or is down on her stomach, she’s extension-intolerant, and missionary is what you’ll want to play around with.

That said, it’s time to check out five awesome sex positions that encourage slow rhythm and a highly penetrative tempo!

Bronco Buster

This is a female superior position AKA the kind of position most guys like best.

Get into it: Whether it’s a coffee table or a lounge chair, find a place where you can lie down and let your legs hang off the edge, while your girl gets to place her legs on either side, and stand on her feet to maneuver on top of you. Place your hands on her hips while she moves up and down, side to side, or even in a figure-eight swivel.

Raising The Mast

This is a male superior position that you’re guaranteed to enjoy immensely.

Get into it: While you kneel, rest your woman’s heels against your shoulders. This position allows you to enjoy different levels of penetration. For an added bonus, place a pillow under her butt and give her an orgasm that’ll make her knees weak. Luckily, she’s lying down.

Continue to the Bamboo Split, the Puppet Master and, of course, the Lock and Pose…

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How Your Lover Can Enhance Your Orgasm

April 23, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin Sex

Need help achieving an orgasm with your lover?

These six tips increase your likelihood of happy endings.

Don’t expect orgasm to take place during intercourse. 3/4 of women need direct stimulation of the clitoris to achieve an orgasm.
You must be touched all over, not just those places! Think of sex as a whole body massage.
Foreplay helps women have orgasms. When making love, do everything at half speed. Incorporate 30 minutes of kissing, cuddling, and whole-body sensual caressing.
Use a Lubricant. Lube makes women’s genitals more erotically sensitive.
Break out of routines. Try something different. Ever notice that sex in hotels feels more arousing?
Take a vibrator to bed. Some women need the intense stimulation that only vibrators can provide.

Curated by Erbe
Original Source

10 Things Men Wish Women Knew about Sex and Love

April 29, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE, Sex

Get an inside look in to a Guy’s mind.

When the issue on sex and love comes up in relationships, many women think that men know everything there is to know about it.

But most men say women absolutely have no clue about the things they know and don’t know.

Krystle Crossman of Healthy Black Woman lists 10 things men wish women knew and how they feel about certain things in the bedroom.

Men are highly responsive to praise. They are self-conscious and have insecurities just like women about their bodies and about their skills. Compliment your man about what he does well and when he looks good.
Men are afraid of intimacy, but only because it is so taboo for men! Until they reach school age they are very affectionate, but then societal pressure rears its ugly head and they feel that being intimate is something that only girls should be doing. They are also afraid of it because they want intimacy so much.
They really do appreciate sex for what it is. Every now and then try to let him have a little fun and have his way with you. Let yourself be ravished. He will thank you for it.
Men have many different erogenous zones, not just the penis. Touch his chest, or inside of his thighs. Kiss his neck. Explore…don’t just focus on one body part.
They enjoy fantasies but are often afraid that they are going to be judged or scorned for theirs. Try one out with him to show him you have a wild side too.
They enjoy dirty talk. This one should be no surprise!
Honesty is the best policy. They don’t want you to lie and say it was the best you ever had if it wasn’t. They want to know how to make things better so that you are satisfied.
Men enjoy the chase before making it to the bedroom. Let them take you out for a night on the town. Let them be romantic. This will make things more intimate when you finally get down to it.
Them watching pornography does not mean that they are a sex addict. Try discussing it with them seriously to find out what it is about porno that turns them on or off.
Men do tend to want sex all the time, but not for the reason you may think. Being intimate with a partner is a way to connect and escape the pressures of life.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The 9 Best Times to Have Sex

April 29, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin Sex

Have better orgasms, make love for longer and more with some smart scheduling

Your Sensual Schedule

Timing is important for, say, landing a dream job or catching a sale. But here’s some intimate info: It’s also crucial when it comes to sex! You’ve probably heard that the ideal time of the month to get pregnant is when you’re ovulating (usually in the middle of your menstrual cycle,between day 11 and 21, depending on the person), but you may not realize that certain times of the day, month and year are best for other sexual goals. For a more satisfying sex life, here’s when to get busy if you…

1. …want an amazing orgasm.

This may sound counterintuitive, but the day you’re most likely to experience a mind-bending orgasm is actually the day before you get your period, according to Laurie Watson, a sex therapist and couples counselor in Raleigh, NC, and author of Wanting Sex Again. “When blood accumulation makes your uterus heavy, contractions are more perceptible during orgasm, and your labial and clitoral tissue tends to be more sensitive when you retain fluids,” says Watson. “Convince yourself to give sex a shot, even if you’re feeling grouchy and uncomfortable, because it may cheer you right up,” she suggests.

2. …want sex to last longer.

The top time is between Christmas and New Year’s Day, when you and your husband are likely out of the office. “When you have no work pressures and are spending many hours with your mate, it’s easier to have luxurious, unhurried sex that lasts and lasts,” says Terence Watts, a psychotherapist based in the U.K. who specializes in psychosexual problems. “A slow build-up is key. Flirt with your husband in the morning by whispering in his ear, and then make lots of eye contact with him during meals.”

3. …want to drive your guy wild.

As you’ve likely noticed, men often wake up with erections, says Amy Levine, a sexologist based in New York City and the founder of IgniteYourPleasure.com. So instead of making him wait all day, set your alarm for 10 minutes earlier on a work day and have a quickie first thing in the morning. You might enjoy it more, too. “As women age, they tend to get more tired at night, so evening sex is less desirable,” says Watson. In other words, you have more energy for a crack-of-dawn romp than a late-night one.

4. …want to relieve pain.

If you can get past the ick factor, making love while you’re on your period can actually reduce uncomfortable cramps, says Levine. “It may be because an orgasm causes uterine contractions, which ease pain, and your body releases the hormone oxytocin and the neurotransmitter dopamine, which make you feel happy and relaxed.” If you can expect sex when Aunt Flo shows, you just may look forward to your time of month!

5. …want to feel confident in bed.

Get it on after you’ve broken a sweat. A study from the University of Florida found that people who exercise without losing fat or gaining strength or endurance feel just as much body confidence as those who get fitter. So even if you don’t look different from your workout, you think you do, according to the research. That improved self-esteemcould make you freer between the sheets. Maybe you’ll even leave the lights on!

6. …want to have crazy, no-holds-barred sex.

Plan an unforgettable evening during a steamy time of year, like July or August in most parts of the country, because you’ll have more opportunities to get it on discreetly outside, like in your yard or on your roof, says Levine. Being outdoors means you’ve already left your comfort zone, so you may be more likely to think outside the box. “Plus, sunshine boosts serotonin in the brain, which improves your mood, so you may enjoy yourself more,” says Tammy Nelson, PhD, a sex and relationship expert in New Haven, CT, and author of Getting the Sex You Want.

7. …are too busy.

Schedule a weekend date night when you don’t have a work commitment and are less exhausted. You don’t even have to leave the house! Put on some mellow music, order in and take a breather together from the hectic week to enjoy each other’s company. Consider asking a friend or relative to take the kids out—the more romantic and relaxed the environment, the more you set the stage for amazing sex. “Focus on quality over quantity,” recommends Watts.

8. …want to get out of a sexual rut.

The longer you’ve been with your partner, the harder it is to be creative in the bedroom. And missionary style every Saturday night can get a little boring. To mix things up, set an alarm for 3 A.M. and straddle your spouse in the middle of the night, recommends Levine. We’re pretty sure he won’t mind being woken up.

9. …want to survive wedding season.

Summertime means party time—especially with weddings. These six-hour affairs are romantic and fun, but also draining. “By the time a wedding’s over, couples come home feeling too full, too drunk or too tired, and those factors can sabotage sex,” says Watson. If your calendar’s chock full of nuptials, it may be tough to get action. Why wait until midnight? Fool around before you leave for the event, and you’ll be glowing on the dance floor all night.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article