To avoid this type of awkwardness, I’ve turned to dating sites and apps. I know, I know, these apps and sites are dreaded by many and have a terrible reputation, but I personally love them. They’re a great way to know whether or not everyone is on the same page and to get it right out there in the open. I met a couple from Portland once using OK Cupid. While he was barely tolerable when not on my bed, she was super hot and he was great while actually doing the deed so it worked out perfectly. The best part about it was that they left right after and I had the place to myself! In addition to OKCupid, which is a site actually attempting to make it easier for couples as well as others in the “LGBTQ” community to date, I’ve also used apps like Tinder and 3inder. 3inder is like Tinder but with an ability to make a true couple’s profile. It also allows for more than one other person to be brought into the messages. The only downfall is that it’s incredibly glitchy, so it’s best to have a messaging app like KIK that people can just directly message you on if they like what they see once they’ve come across your profile. Quick word to the wise: it’s best to have your rules right there on your profile. Mine reads: “Couples and single females only. NO SINGLE MEN.” I know this sounds unkind and discriminatory, but you have no idea how many unsolicited dick pics I received before putting that in my profile, and how often I used to get men asking me to call one of my “fun girlfriends” to play with some single guy and myself. No thanks dude, not my job to make your fantasy come true. I’m busy fulfilling my own! There’s also Craigslist, which, if you can get past all of the horror stories and rumors of horror stories, can also be quite fun. No matter which of these methods I use, I always play it safe by meeting in public first. That way, not only can I rule out a murdery vibe, but I also get an idea if that person is going to be as fun in between the sheets as they were in text. In lieu of apps and sites, you can also frequent swingers clubs and sex parties. If you’re a single guy, this can be tricky because you’re often not allowed or have to pay higher prices. Sorry. I have no answer for you. I’m lucky. I’m a Unicorn, so I get in FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!! This is just another one of many benefits to being such a rare beast.

Another tricky part of couple dating is figuring out whether or not the other member of the couple is just as into it. I like to call myself a sexual socialist, meaning that everyone must have equal fun otherwise, I just can’t have a good time. It’s typically the guys who reach out most often, so sometimes I’ll ask the guy I’m messaging something along the lines of, “what kind of things is your girlfriend/wife into?” and often he replies with something like, “Well, I’ve been wanting to add a girl into the mix and I think she’d be cool with it. She might even have fun…” WARNING!!! Do not proceed with this one. This is the guy who’s trying, at anyone’s expense, to fulfill his fantasy. This will end in tears, punches, smeared mascara, or extreme awkwardness, and if you’re lucky that’ll be it. However, often times the answer is something more along the lines of, “Well, she’s super bi but has a tough time meeting women…” etc, in which case, I proceed. The best way to tell if all parties are equally excited by adding a third is to simply ask for the other member of the couple to be brought into the conversation. I’ve done this before and have had varying results, the most prevalent of which being a complete end to the convo. Fine, then she wasn’t into it and you just proved it. Thank you for making my job easier. Now none of us has to waste any more time!