“Everyone gets their heart broken on the road to love – and they should, because that’s the only way they develop any grit and strength,” she said during her presentation at the Limmud FSU conference.
Seidler-Feller’s second tenet is that both men and women need to be honest with themselves about what they want out of a relationship. Women especially, she says, shouldn’t be ashamed of their desire for someone to lean on.
“One’s capacity to say ‘I need help’ or ‘I feel vulnerable, I need you to be strong so I can let go,’ creates so much breathing room for a woman,” she said. “I think it’s important that women don’t lose contact with that side of themselves.”
While looking for dependency may not be politically correct, Seidler-Feller says it’s definitely not anti-feminist.
“Dependency is not the same as weakness,” she said. “It’s an interdependent recognition of complementary limitations that each of us have as humans.”
Seidler-Feller’s third tenet is that couples should confide in each other. Opening yourself up and sharing your deepest secrets, fears and desires with your partner creates loyalty and satisfaction, she says.
“If you want to be in a good relationship, you have to engage in deep conversation,” she said.
With a foundation of trust and reliability, partners are less likely to look for that elsewhere.
“This is an inoculation against intrusion of third parties, affairs,” Seidler-Feller said. “How deep is your conversation? What do you demand of the other person? What do you demand of yourself?
“If you can do that and avoid the easy way of blaming the other person and looking outside yourself instead of looking inside yourself, I think you’re on the road to a lasting relationship.”
Curated by Erbe