3.  Learn empathetic listening.

Unlike sympathy which is purely an emotion, empathy is a skill where you look at life through someone else’s perspective.  I did a self-help exercise where I wrote an essay from the point-of-view of someone I resented, and after I finished, I had a better understanding of where this person came from.  My resentment began waning because through empathy, I finally realized this was a real person and not just an extension of my ego.  I was finally able to think outside of myself.

The more empathy you practice, the easier it is to have a conversation with someone.  Genuinely caring about what someone has to say means having to stop thinking about yourself, and that’s where “empathetic listening” comes in.  People generally get too hung up on how they look to others.  “What do I say?”  “How do I look?”  “Am I being boring?”  “Does this person think I’m funny?”

It’s an extremely narcissistic way to have a conversation whether you’re self-deprecating or not, because either way, you’re still only looking at the conversation from your perspective without regard for another person’s feelings or thoughts.

Use empathetic listening so that you can determine whether or not your feelings can blossom into something more.  Listen closely and pick up on what they find interesting.  Once you do, engage more with that topic, and have it matter to you because it matters to them. Start asking questions that you would want people to ask you if you showed interest in the same thing.  If there’s chemistry, they’ll become excited about the topic and appreciate that you were so observant and attentive, and their excitement will hopefully excite you because you’re seeing someone you like so happy about something.

By actually listening to someone else’s wants, needs, and dreams, you’ll develop a warmer and more honest interaction.  Guide them into talking about what they want to talk about and learn to genuinely care about what they have to say.  It goes a long way.

4.  Learn not to take rejection personally.

This person might still reject you, and the fear of rejection will make many people avoid even seeking a partner because the prospect of rejection seems too painful, like it’s a personal affront to your entire identity.

But rejection is not personal.  Most people aren’t compatible and that isn’t your fault.  Everybody gets rejected.  Everybody.

There is no quality about you that is universally disliked.  Preferences and standards of beauty vary person-to-person.  What one person may find undesirable about you, another person may find extremely attractive.  When someone rejects you, it is because that particular person did not feel that you two were a good match.  Although it may be painful, this is nothing to take personally.

In your own life, you’ve probably had friends that you connected with more than others.  Say there’s a friend you don’t like as much but you feel is a decent person.  There’s no real reason why you don’t connect as much with this person, so you likely aren’t sentencing him/her to a life of loneliness and solitude.  Even though you personally don’t connect with this person as much as your other friends, you still feel like he/she deserves love and deserves to be happy.

Treat yourself like that friend.  Just because someone rejects you doesn’t mean you don’t deserve happiness, and it doesn’t make you any less worthy.  Relationships are about finding someone that you feel is a good match for you, and it’s about loving yourself enough to know that you deserve someone who will love you for you. Someone will absolutely find that attractive.

There is no shortcut to self-betterment, and developing feelings for someone is oftentimes difficult and scary.  But when you have the right tools, it will make those emotions manageable, and you’ll be well-equipped with self-confidence and self-love.